Hello From The Magic Tavern - 82 - Chunt for Red October 2: Clear and Present Badger

Episode Date: October 10, 2016

It's time again for Chunt's annual blood drive for local vampires. Usidore is unusually excited.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt/Thorn: Adal RifaiUsidore/Vlad/Chad/Brad/Tad: Matt YoungSimon Lemmington Bartholomew: Shad KunkleMysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzEpisode Art: Tyler SchmidtYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The following podcast is faker than that butter product that inspires so many crises of faith amongst human life forms. But it continues to be sponsored by our benevolent corporate overlords at Cards Against Humanity. If you'd like to saw off a body part and send it to the show, mail it to Cards Against Humanity 1917 North-Eelston, Chicago, Illinois, 60642. Care of, fat shaggy, vrmilion, minotaur, town of Hogsface, land of foun. Yes, the care of is normally at the top

and now it's at the bottom. There are other dimensions, but that's the hill you're going to die on. G's Louise. And now enjoy the Show. Hello from the Magic Cavern! A weekly podcast on the magical land of foun, I'm your host Arne E. Kemp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, I am now going to explain the premise of the show.

About a year and a half ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king into the magical, fantastical land of foun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from that burger king through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast that I record every week, here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of Phoon, and it's a very special night here at the Vermilion Minotaur. It's a special event. People have been looking forward to this for weeks and weeks.

My and my co-host Chant the King of the Banders, can probably explain it better than I can. Bloodbong. Bloodbong. Yes, right. It's decided between bloodbong and being blood. Oh, being blood. I kind of like being blood. Okay, can you introduce me again?

Okay. And I'm joined as always by my co-host. Being blood. Being blood. Yeah, welcome. It's another Chump for the React over. Yeah, Chump for the React over. This is a charity event that you run every year.

Yep, this is we collect blood from around food for people who want to donate it. And sometimes, you know, we smashed your nose in last year. Yeah, I sort of participated on willing last year. And we collect blood for vampires and other creatures who drink blood, but either can't get it themselves. They can't. Or are just letting it themselves. Or they're just maybe they don't want to go after it.

You know, like my friends Chippen Bippy from Lampen Bippy who we talk to last year. I haven't seen Chippen Bippy tonight. Yeah, I haven't seen him around either. Yeah, I'm not sure what's going on with them. Yeah, who knows? But I does seem like there are some people skulking around the tavern that might be vampires.

Yeah, this night we'll definitely bring them out. And I actually had, I had about 30, 33, 33, 33, around 30 or 33, pints of blood, jars of blood around here. And I am missing about half of them. So I don't know, I don't know who is grabbing those or if people are just helping themselves, but I'm supposed to dull them out.

So, oh, I see, I see. You see somebody grab them. Don't just help yourself with the blood. No, no, no, yeah, it's not a buffet. So if you see something grabbing a jar, let me know okay. I will Cuz I need to stop yeah absolutely well, and I'm also joined by my other co-host I am used to the wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesious master of light and shadow manipulator of magical lights to the aura of chaos Chambian of the great holes of Trockis, the elves to be a sly.

Oh, yeah, that's right. The dwarves know me as Zordon in Extangies, and I am no to the North East, as Gassamanias Wastar. Blah! You said are, you all right? Do you have a cold? Yes, a cold.

Yeah, you sound so different. Very, very nasal. Great, can I ask, I don't know if I've ever asked this question. Can you count how many names you say? I say One name two names Three Three names and then about a more huh?

Are you something's going on? Useless or he's been acting weird for a while now. What do you mean? You've just been I mean look, you always act strange, but you've been extra-strained. Wow, are you? Are you wearing lipstick? What is that? Oh, shh. What? Look, Yusador, this is a very important night for chun.

I'm sorry, sorry. This is chun for the red act. You're embarrassing me. Sorry, ignore my cold, ignore my cold, get back to the air. So, chun, what makes this chun for a October different from any of the other, from like last year's Chant for a October? This year we, I went around the whole tavern and I removed any iron, so there's no iron, which is why there's a lot more vampires around.

Sure. A lot of vampires don't like iron, so yeah, that's about it. That's how, you're like, you know what, this year, fuck the iron, I'm going to get rid of all the iron. I try to do need any help collecting the blood or- Uh, yeah, if you don't mind, thank you so much. Sure, I'll go hit some people in the face of the book. Okay.

He's walking around with that Kubla Ross book that people sent in, and heading him in the face with it. He's aggressive tonight. He sums up with Yusador. I don't know what the deal is with you. You know what? Uh-oh. I feel like an idiot.

It's all coming together. You know what I think? What? I think Yusador. I don't know what the deal is with you. You know what? Uh-oh. I feel like an idiot. It's all coming together. You know what I think? What? I think Yusador is in love. Oh, yeah. That's what happens. You know what? You have a friend.

They act normally. Then they fall in love and all of a sudden they're talking in a weird Romanian accent. Classic. It's always the same story over and over. There's lips already. He's trying to put on it. You know, it's all look nice.

Hitting people in the face with books. Yeah, trying to get out that sexual aggression. Yeah. Yeah. I think people of Hogs face. I am Simon Lemmington Bartholomew and I am here as a master monster hunter. Whoa, hey, sir. Someone just kicked in the fucking doors, dude. That's what I do. I'm Simon Lemmington Botholomew I don't have a want to make an entrance that isn't noticed. Oh wow. Hey, I'm sorry. We're doing a I'm sure on this world you don't know what a podcast is but I host a podcast every week at this table I was on explaining it to him the only pods that I'm familiar with are the ones that grow into humans that are just like the other People and then cast spells.

Those are the kind of pods and casting that you're referring to. Yeah, have we told you about the pod people? No, but I also would like to hear about the other people. There are special plants that grow people who look identical to people that you already know. And then they must go back and kill the person that they remain identical looking like. So there's only one left. Check's out. So Simon, did you say? Yes, Simon Lemmington Bartholomew.

Well, you know, I was going to dedicate this episode to talking to vampires and stuff, but if... Vampire, is that what you said? Yeah. Yes, I am here on a mission brought to me by the Stone of Israel. The Stone of Israel? Yes, it's what dictates the next monster that I kill. It glows as I walk by rare towns,

and then I follow the stone, and it has brought me to this tavern. I bet you saw it would be interested in seeing an actual magical stone. So you said you're a monster hunter? Yes, I hunt all sorts of monsters all over the land of fune. Basically, it's not a regulated job. It's just that if someone takes out a contract on a particular monster uh... anyone can

really do it it's not it's not tough it's just it's very hard to survive we actually get the right to pursue monsters without any sort of criminal offense uh... brought upon us uh... more so than like say an officer of the law we're not we're outside of the law we actually get away and do anything we want yes uh... just simply by saying i'm a monster hunter people go oh well that's very neat Yeah, yes, and then and then we're allowed to go and do whatever sort of monster hunting we want to but I am guided by the Stone of Israel and it dictates what monsters I search out So you've got like pushing the stones really into a Stout. Yeah, I found some blood. Yeah, only nice use it or this is a this is a monster hunter

It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Oosidor You said the blue wizard. Of course you recognize me. I'm a master of light and shadow Although tonight is mostly shadow. Yeah, mostly like a shite hiding in the dark You know you have to mix it up from time to time. Yeah, oscillate between the two. What was the, Simon was it? Yes, Simon Lemmington Bartholomew. What was the last monster you killed

that this, the Stone of Azeroth dictated you killed? Yeah, I'd love to hear some good monster killing stories. So would I. The Wendigo. Ooh. Yes, yes, it is an abominable creature in the north made of wind and snow. Yes, I went up there with my iron weaponry and slashed it.

I'm not quite sure if I killed it, but I know that the snow stopped. Wow, crap. Did you bring any iron weapons tonight? Well, I'm covered in iron weapons, and of course, wooden stakes all across the front. I'm trying to keep iron out of the tavern just because it scares off the vent Yeah, you are really just Covered in weapons right now like it seems a little like it would be hard awkward to move around I mean that hat looks ridiculous. Well, what's wrong with my hat? It's there's a crossbow on the top of it. It seems dangerous. Well in case I get attacked from above

The thing about monsters is that some of them fly and some of them seep through walls. Seap? Well, of course. Oos? Teleporters? Yeah. Perhaps walls themselves that are mimics that decide to hide as walls.

And then as you walk by, they try to grab you. That's why I have crossbows pointed and ready to go at any direction from my body. This is maybe a weird question. Are some monsters just kind of sexier than others? Like, you know, if you're telling a story like, let me tell you about the time that I killed the wall. Yes, there are some that are rather boring monsters.

And I, but it's of course, once again, it's in the retelling of the monster slaying that one is a trick. Can I get the rope here from a moment and just say I take a shield with the continued use of the word monster? Sure You know there are certain creatures that are more evil than others Certainly orcs my hated enemies of course. I would categorize them as monsters But some of the things you're talking about just creatures of the land

Yeah, what's the difference between just a magical creature and a monster? Well, I'm glad you asked, what's the difference between just a magical creature and a monster? Well, I'm glad you asked, and it's very unique, because the stone of Ezreal is what dictates what is a monster and what is not. My own personal preference can be anything that consumes any part of humans, anyone who were to do anything that is abominable, abominable being of not of this plane of fune, any sort of creature that has more appendages than human. So would Arnie be classified as a monster? I think why would I be classified as a monster?

Well, there's only one way to find out, Sandrite here, while I bring out the stone of Ezreal. Okay. It's a bomb on a roll. Oh, it appears that he is not. Although it would be sexy to tell the story of slaying this Arnie. I don't think so. Does this stone talk to you or does he have a beep or glow? Yeah, it's kind of like a beep system. It takes a while to figure out, because sure. At first, there were a couple times where I got some random beeps, and I thought, oh, monster!

Yeah, and that was of course terrible. I killed an old man, fishing. Oh. At first, you know, there were a couple times where I got some random beeps and I thought, oh, monster! And that was of course terrible. I killed an old man, fishing. Oh. It turned out he was fishing for monsters. These things sort of happen and sometimes it's really hard to read. Like for instance, when an evil specter came and killed my wife and child and carried them into the abyss, I was really upset that the stone didn't do anything.

Oh. But I hadn't charged it. I see. Yeah. How do you charge the stone? Well, you leave it out in the sun. Oh. And how long does the stone battery last?

Is that like a third of the day or when? What depends. It depends how much you use it. Yeah. For instance, if you run across five monsters on a day, you're burning through. And if it's tracking's going the whole time, if it's tracking monsters in the area the whole time, then that's gonna eat a whole lot of them. Well, on is that a monster? You must be on your way. Ha ha ha, goodbye. Well, I have to find out what monster. Wait, do that again. Put this stone by

Yusador. Oh, it gave a little, was that a... Let's see here. Okay, well, it's, you know, it's It gave a little was that a let's see here. Okay. Well, it's you know, it's uncharged. Oh, okay. I This is so frustrating. I Maybe Arnie is a monster. No, I just need to do you have any like intense candle light? It's actually works if I can just put it by a candle for about like a good Wow, there you go. That is impressive. I'm going to go to here, we'll just put it on top of these candles for a while, they'll charge up and we'll give another try. It's great how it just stands on top of those candles.

It others. I mean it is a magical item, I do. Sure. It has to have some properties that are cool. Yeah. Well you know what, let's say a quick break and I'm love to hear more about how you got into Monster hunting. So Simon, you just came in here and you didn't realize that there are

there are a number of vampires in this room right now. What are you talking about? This is this is this is this is having this holding an event for vampires. It's the chance for a October. Yeah, why don't we interview Winnerville? I must tell you though, if you do bring in someone to the interview, I am compelled by the stone of Azriel to immediately kill them.

Oh, wow, that would be bad. I mean, we've had people be killed on the podcast before, but... I would also prefer that you didn't tell them it was coming. Oh, is there an ethical obligation here? I mean, I think so. I would prefer you didn't kill anybody. Can you really Oh, is there an ethical obligation here? I mean, I think so. I would prefer you didn't kill anybody. Can you really want this to be a safe place today?

This is the end. This is charitable of it. I understand what you're saying, but I'm signing in Lemmington Botolomew. I'm a monster hunter. I'm here to hunt monsters, man. No, no, no, yeah, and I hear that, and I get that, and I understand and appreciate that.

Yeah, it's like, I'm throwing something here. I'm doing a chump for the red October My name's attached to it. Of course if a vampire dies like I mean, I guess maybe kill like a kid vampire Like no more than that Simon in chun's defense this very event makes it possible for vampires to survive without killing people That's the whole reason to exist. Yes, but that is an abomination It's it's quite simple. If there is a child vampire, they are forced to never grow up,

never hit puberty. That existence is, of course, an abomination, and it must be taken out. If a child comes in here and that is a vampire, as just a personal courtesy, I would do a quick death, yes. Well, why don't we try this semantic trick? Maybe this will help us to have a vampire in the body. Well, why don't we try this semantic trick? Maybe this will help us have a vampire in the bottom.

You just can't. We'll just call this a semantic. Let's try this semantic, where we'll have a vampire on, but they're not a monster. Here, let's just try it. I'm sure this will go fine. Here, let's call over one of the vampires over by the bar and have them on.

Hey, would you mind being interviewed on the podcast for a moment? Yeah, sure. Hey, um, do you know, have you met Vlad? Hey, Vlad. Hey, what's going on? This is Vlad, the inhaler. He's got some breathing problems. I think it's a mold. There's a lot of mold in this tab. I had respiratory problems even when I was a five. Oh, look at this guy. How did you want? How could you want to harm this guy? Look at this man. This man is forced to live in this state forever because of this vampiric thing that has happened to him. Flann, did you have this breathing problem before you were turned into a vampire?

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, when I feed him, I'll feed him blood, but I have to mix it in with bread and rice. Oh, I will partake of your Samantrick Okay, can I ask this person a question? Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah And what was his name again? My name's blah, okay, Vlad. I have a quick question for you. Yeah, yeah, how would you like to die? That was rude. Oh my god. You killed it, guessed it, all very table on.

Oh, I have news for you. You have been sitting with a vampire this entire time. Yes, and I just had a vampire to kill him. No, I have no, no. No, Yusudor is a vampire now. What? What? Yes.

How could you be a vampire? I've been seeing you using a time. I know you identify with these vampires. There's special night There's no symmetric to it. You have been sitting next to a vampire all evening Vampirism is not a choice. It is something that you have in you now Are you sure you're not making a choice because it's a popular thing because what's going on in the room right now? No, I crave blood all the time. I thought you're not making a choice because it's the popular thing because what's going on in the room right now? No, I crave blood all the time. I thought you were just in love. I love. Also, that is terrible.

What a terrible way to view the world. What are you talking about? That I just would buy a choice to become this thing that I am compelled to be. I am who I am. Are you sure you're not under vampire pressure? Oh, there is no such thing. There is no such thing. I will need to check your teeth because the stone of Israel is not going off.

Of course, it's not charged. Well, I should have noticed that. Well, let's bring another vampire in and see what they seem like. Vampire next to vampire. Well, fine. Bring another one over. Oh, hey, vampire, come on. Would you mind coming over? Yeah, what's up? Hey, this is a very tough vampire. This is Thorn. I know Thorn.

Thorn. Yeah, my name's Thorn. Hey, Thorn. Ooh. This is Thorne. I know Thorne. Thorne. Yes, my name's Thorne. Hey Thorne. Ooh, this is one of those vampires that sparkles. Wow. I'm a bit of a prick. Really? Yeah, I self-identify as a prick. Are you becoming a prick because of all the prick pressure

in the room? I'm making fun of you. I guess I'm a prick because I'm so torn inside. Because I'm this thing. Oh, a torn, torn. But I don't kill, I've never killed, you know, I suppose to kill. We never kill.

I've never killed. That doesn't necessarily mean that he's not going to listen. I'm willing to open up my heart to this person. You seem like you're struggling with internalism. I am, I really am. What I would like you to do is, I would just like you to take a look at yourself.

Okay, I can't see, there's nothing. Yes, I know. That's because it's direct sunlight being bit your friend. Now he's blown in. Yes, we're two for two. What a good day for Simon. We got to get this guy out of here. Simon, you've killed two vampires. I am. You've killed two guests of her program.

But they are now eternal guests of your program. That's a nice way to think about this. Yes, they'll be here forever. You know when you're here. It's a stuck in the tavern. Oh, come on, I've... Simon, why did you get into Monster Hunting in the first place? Well, I'm glad you asked.

When I was a child, my father kept saying there weren't any monsters on the internet. Of course, I said father Having a lot of time sleeping. I'm a child and I'm terrified that this monster Something that's yeah, please I love that's that way you talked to your father well at the time I was a quick learner My father finally said look I will prove to you that there are no monsters underneath the bed I will put my head underneath the bed and I will tell you and show you that there's no monsters

Well, he puts head underneath the bed and I will put my head underneath the bed, and I will tell you and show you that there's no monsters. Well, he puts head underneath the bed, and it was immediately torn off by a basilisk. Underneath my bed. What is a basilisk? A basilisk is a creature that turns people into stone. What is it was doing in my bed? And just the mix things up and decided to dare set up. Yes, it could have used the stone as a tool.

Yet still chose to chew my father's head off. And I thought the audacity of such a choice. Monsters are more than just creatures who harm us. They are there to shame us and to make us feel lesser than people. What a disgusting creature. It could have easily just turned my father to stone, which, of course, through a restoration spell. I could have gotten back, but instead, of of course it ate my father's head off.

Yeah. High-vowed right then and there that I would kill all abominations on this world. But then did you at least still have your mother to raise you? Well, yes, of course, I had my mother for quite a long time, and she would take me to school every day. And of course, we would go in the buggy, and that was quite the- I remember riding with my mother in the buggy, she would always go, yeah, let's get those horses going. Sure. Of course, then a winged hoppy came and flew very low

and chopped off her head. It was we were at maximum speeds. And I was left on the buggy with my headless mother as we coast through towards town. Now, remind me, if a heart, if you look at a heartbeat, it turns you to stone, right? I'm not talking to you. No.

That would be the Basilisk. Oh, oh, oh. I'm making a score, God. A cockatrice as well, which is of course the only thing that the cockatrice has going for it. I'm realizing now that I've read your book, My Two Heads. You've read my book? Yes, My Two Heads.

That's my book. And I have it right here. No! Ouch! Oh, this is blood. You, why are you licking my face? And I have it right here. No! Ouch! Oh, it's delicious blood. You... Why are you licking my face? But I love blood.

I love blood. I love empire. Don't want to turn it to a bad... Oh, he did turn it to a bad... I'm a person again. Well, you are quite the wizard. You've been able to mimic all the actions of a better wizard. I am a wizard, but I am also a vampire.

This is what wizards must do on the festival of monsters of the month of October, right? Damn it, I'm a vampire! Look, I would know if you were a vampire, the Stone of Israel we go off, and as soon as it gets done charging, I'll know exactly what it is. I'm sorry, I need to put my hand into the flame to capture back the Stone of Israel. I'm surprised all those little crossbows on your fingers didn't go off. I would like you to hold this for a second, wouldn't you? Oh, I love match goals. Yes, thank you.

Thank you. Because it is slowly sucking your soul into it, you demon vampire. Well, you are the essence of Wethas Stone of Asriel. We'll go into it and I have come here and taken my challenge. Yusseldor is gone. Oh my god. Now we have to have Asriel to his name take in my challenge. Yusudar's gone! Oh my god, now we have to have Asriel to his name. How do we get Yusudar back? What are you talking about?

How do we get Yusudar back out of the stone? You can't get anything out of the stone of Asriel. Give him back. You can't ask me to do that. I'm a monster hunter. I have hunted for my monster, and I've killed him. Killed him? Well, yes.

I've taken his soul and I've trapped it inside of the stone and the stone of course processes that and uses it for energy. There's this, this beast is gone. Oh my gosh, Ken's prophecy was right about you. I was supposed to die first, but we got out of it. Uh, and the new sword was supposed to die. If you guys seem flat, I'm his brother Chad. Chad!

Chad get out of your run, Chad, run! Chad, run! Chad! Chad, I just have a simple question. Are you a vampire? Yeah, absolutely. Would you come over here and give me a hug? No, no, no, no, no, no! God!

No, okay, all right. Oh, for four! What a night! Oh, I blocked the door. No, Jesus, this is criminal. This is really disturbing. Oh, one's to party. I've owned those stuff before you. Yes, I am six for six.

Oh, no. I feel like this is bad. Usually, you should or gets it a sat of it. Finger crossbows. Wow, that is good. That's dead code. Are you okay? Yeah, I mean, these locals are very kind of arrows. I mean, it is good. That's dead cold. Are you okay? Yeah, I mean, these locals are very, some arrows.

I mean, it really hurts. Oh no. Two on the side. Cuff into smoke. Do something. I don't know. I was weird to cut some. Just try tackling him.

Ah! Ow! Ow! You've pushed one of my steaks back into my own chest. Oh, that hurts! How dare you! Look, I'm sorry, Simon. It's very rare that I kick anyone off of this podcast, you're out of the chat. Get out.

Why would you get out? You have another spot open, and I could easily stay here and help you interview other vampires. Simon, what? Don't make me kill you. That'd be impossible. Don't make me have one more murderer on this podcast. Good morning, tell him. Oh, tell him.

Simon, you killed my friend. You said, or wizard of the 12th round, my fesiest, you'll devine. Master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Turok as the elves know him as fiann yelling. He loves hell. The doors know him as Zona, who obsanges.

And he is known in the Northeast as guest, maness, guess, that's the hard one. That's the hardest. Guest, winiest, nice start. Guest, maness, may start. No, I'm as zoning who's saying these and he is known in Northeast as guest main is guest That's the hard one that's the most I'm guess manius may start. I guess my anus Dude who's this I'm Brad How about a high five? No, yes Simon leave Leave now and never come back. All right, but I'm taking the stone of Asriel with me. Come back!

Fuck. What's up, Dane? I don't know. I guess I don't. Is this a podcast, though? I don't want to do the podcast anymore. Like, ever? None of us have used it or it's gone.

Look, Chuck, use the word, want us to keep doing the podcast without it. I don't think that's right. I don't think you used to want us to keep doing the podcast without it. I don't think that's right. I don't think you used to do the podcast without it. You're right. He might not want us. I feel like you'd want to do the podcast without you. Wait, if I died, would you keep doing the podcast without me? I don't know. Let's not. I would. Let's not. I would. Let's not. Let's not. You're my best friend. You're my best friend.

And I'm sorry that I sometimes make fun of you and I'm sorry I didn't go to chance night a bunch of times and I take for granted your friendship and if you were gone I would be really sad. I just that's the exact same switch. I was gonna give to you But I went to apologize. No, no, give me a minute already, but I want to apologize for For calling you fast shaggy even though you said it. I did say it first But you said I felt like I ran with it because I felt like you were okay with it It was like all these emails with people like you're being awful to Arnie You're such a like chunks such a bastard, and I feel I feel terrible. You're a good friend I mean that's sincerely not a way of like it's couched in like I wish people heard all the nice things that you said to me when

We're not on the podcast. Yeah, no, you're super nice You're saying Arnie your gray. Yeah, you're such a good good friend. I just, I think you're so handsome and you're smart. And you're, yes, you're always complementing what I was saying. But no one knows how I walk. I'm just sorry for everything. I'm sorry for everything. Is there a secret here for Ted?

Ted, what are you doing here? Get out of use to doors, Terry. Move one chair over, please. Ted, no one can take the place of use of door. So please leave. I just wanted to sit down. Ted, I have some bad news for you. Yeah.

Brad, Chad, and... Vlad, Vlad, are all dead. What? No, no, he grabbed his stake and staked himself in the heart. No, god, damn it! Man, I think there are literally no vampires left in here. I think he has one more brother named Ryan, and we have to make sure that Ryan makes it home alive. We have to.

Okay, Arnie, let's leave the podcast, and let's just make sure that we save Vampire Ryan. Let's save... Private Ryan. Who? Vampire Ryan. No, never mind. Well, Ryan... Ryan's a very... like shy guy, and he doesn't... he doesn't like to share personal things about himself. No, never mind. Well, Ryan's a very shy guy, and he doesn't like to share

personal things about himself. He's very private. Well, why would he want to share when his brother's name's all rhyme? Yeah. It's like, why didn't they give me a rhyming name? Yeah, like, mad or something. Also, I do have a lot of questions

about how they're all vampire brothers. Like, were they brothers that got turned into vampires? Yusididor is dead. That's neat. And this is the bullshit that you- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And Ryan is very withholding with her.

I'm sorry. He's not gonna tell us how that happened. I love you, buddy. I love you. And let's do this again next week. In memory of Yusidor. RMP. Have I told you what that means in the film?

No, what does that mean in the film? Really ignorant people. R-I-P. Have I told you what that means in a minute, Tim? Really ignorant people. Really ignorant people kill vampires. Although I have seen... Simon is not R-I-P. Yeah, although to be fair, I have seen Vlad and Chad. Not so much Brad, I've seen them kill a lot of people.

Really? Yeah, and they're probably, some of them deserve to die, maybe. I wish Thorn did die, he's in cool cell. Not much better. I feel like Thorn is my new favorite character. Hahaha. Do you know how you get something that you've wanted for a very long time and it's not as satisfying as you had hoped? Well, that's how I feel about this sandwich.

Craig is this from the vending machine or from under it. Meanwhile, Usador is dead. That's what happens when you invite improvisers on your show who don't know how to listen or surrender status. Regulars end up getting killed. Usador, the vampire wizard, was played seemingly for the last time by Matt Young. Chant the King of the Badgers was played by Abel Rafai. Hey, Adel, good luck with the increased workload.

I think we're about to find out why Andy Richter doesn't have his own talk show. Shad, Kunkel played. Ugh, I'm sure he had a name, but let's just call him yet another low-energy high-status master of relentless fantastical information. And we had another special guest, that would be the letter D that Shad wedged in the middle of the word Weaponry. Go back and listen. Hmm, normally now I would drift away and let Craig finish all the boring parts, but

he's still in the privacy chamber working on his theme song, whatever that means. That's okay, I'm up for the minutia. You know, I've been here for a while now, and I don't know why you let Craig do so much of the outro read, and I don't get to do anything. Trisha 8050! Of course you can! You can have the special job of sitting on that titanium sphere and listening to me do some outro stuff Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie knee camp Ryan to Georgie and Evan Jacober

This episode edited by Chris Rathchin. Oh, hey Chris Congratulations on your recent wedding and good luck on a long and happy marriage Yes, an editor getting married. That's just the kind of mundane detail that will really sell the idea that this podcast is not real. Production assistance by Garrett Schultz. As always, thanks to Ear Wolf and the Chicago podcast co-op. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes or wherever else you'll reach your free entertainment off of the internet. And write a review for the show. Maybe I'll have this Trisha read off some of the names again. Anything to spice up this unending march towards the void. Hmm, I really feel like a great light has

gone out in the universe today. What I'm saying Craig is an illumination sphere burned out in the living pod last night, and that bulbs not gonna change itself friend. to change itself, friend.