Hello From The Magic Tavern - 85 - Unicorn (w/ Peter Sagal)

Episode Date: October 31, 2016

We have something extra magical in the tavern this week, a unicorn named Windsprinkle.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungWindsprinkle: Peter SagalMysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia: Kate JamesCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzEpisode Art: Ellie Martin"Gas Wayne Yes My Star" Written and performed by: Mike DoughtyYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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What's up, Cognitive Dissonance? Enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arne Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this was going on. About a year and a half ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from that Burger King through the dimensional portal, and I use it to upload a podcast that I record every week, here in the tavern,

the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of FUN. And I'm so excited, I'm so lucky to be joined by both of my co-hosts, you should all You sir. I am Yusador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of a fesiest master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical delights, the Oro of Chaos, Champion of the Great, holds the Trockus, the elves know me as fying y'all a cang, the elves know me as shunnin' in hook stangies, and I am nood in the northeast, as Gassamwinius Mastar. And do not fear, but there are other names that if they did find their way to creep into your ear,

while like a very earworm they would dig down so deep in fact thy brain until its blood did boil and your very head did explode! And so good to have you back, Yusador. Well, thank you. So, Yusador, I want to really quickly ask you about your sort of near... Not even a near-death experience, your death experience. Yes, so do I now refer to you as Yusador the Light Blue?

No, I just cleaned my robe. Oh, I see. Okay, so I can just still call you whatever I want. They do exactly Yusador. Wizard of the Twilf Realm of Ephesians. Master of light and shadow Minipulator of magical the lights The hour of chaos champion of the great holes of Tarakas the elves nobius fying y'all check the dwarves nobius zone in who

Stangies and I am no one all these disgasmaniacist me star and there are other secret names names of such great power There are other secret names, names of such great power and portent, that if you didn't even see these names writ upon a piece of paper, why they would come to life and affect your eyes, like very thorns from a rose, dig down into thine cornyas, down through thy eye-sockets, all the way into thy gullet, and rip thee apart from my esophagus out. I hate when a thorn infects my eyes. That's the worst thing.

Don't read those names. I've got to remember you said or never to introduce you first. I'm also joined by my co-host, Chunk, the King of the Badgers. Hey now. How you doing, buddy? Pretty good, how you doing? I'm doing all right. I, uh, this is a little heavy to talk about up front. As we all know, I, struggling a little bit with red potion addiction. Yes, yes.

That's very brave of you to talk about. Thank you for that. Yeah, red potion, which just sort of gives me vitality. And I was excited to have my, sort of my, my HP always maxed out, but I think I got a little out of control with it. Yeah, so I mean, as much as, you know, we love seeing you with vitality. You don't wanna see Arnie being a dick, well.

You know, no, no, no, no. Yeah, this is a problem. Yes. Well, I started getting more dick vitality. I started getting help. I started getting help. I went to the learning onyx. It's this big onyx structure.

They have all kinds of gatherings to kind of help people out. Oh, wow. Yeah, the wedding planner recommended the meetings that they're having there for people who struggle with need, but they also had stuff for me as well. That's wonderful, good for you. Congratulations, that's very big of you. Yeah, we got one.

Actually, Arnold and I talked about this before the podcast stunt, who I heard that he was attending the Learning Onyx, and we wanted to speak to you about your... ...dealings and dark magic. It's true, you started getting into dark magic? Maybe you wanna? Listen, I picked up a few things here there. I'm not gonna, you know, go down this path. And I know that you did it. Out of love for me, and wishing to resurrect your fallen Yusador, but I am back now.

And you can put this dark chapter of your life behind you I never got to show you any of the dark magic I learned though. Oh, I don't want to just don't encourage him I do want to see it. I do want to see it. Okay, so here you see this you see this gold coin. Yes, right? Yeah, all right Now I'm gonna swallow it. Yeah Ta-da! You just ate a coin. Yeah, that's not gonna be good for your digestion. Well, we'll see.

Mom. What's this behind your ear? Oh! It's the coin that I ate seconds ago. What evil is this? It's clearly a different coin. Come on, man. Chuck, there's...

It's not even the same amount- it's not even the same- That's not even the same amount. It's not even the same size coin. That's not even more nefarious. He ate a coin, transformed its amount and then pulled it out from behind-line-ear. Chuck, how many coins have you been eating? I don't know, man, like... Two hundred?

You look! Oh, that can't be good. I make a noise when I walk down. It's true. It's terrible. I feel awful. Oh, you look awful. Put my nose piercing. Oh, it looks good.

Hey guys, I'm very excited about our guests and I kind of want to just get right to it. You know, we've never had a unicorn on before. We've had a unicorn dentist, but I'm very excited. We have a wind sprinkle, the unicorn. Yeah. Hi. Hi, it's so nice to meet you. It's, it would be, I would say it'd be a pleasure to be here.

If I had a little room to get up to this table, I am a horse, could we clear some space here? Yeah. Everybody, yeah. Can people move away from the unicorn? I mean, everybody focuses on the horn. Oh, he's got a horn, he's a magical creature. This is behind the horn, a horse's body, I need some space. He's a magical creature. This is behind the horn a horse's body

I need some space. Oh, thank you. One of the unwed mothers is on top of him right go. Let's get down Sorry, I'm so sorry. I thought I had a rider Actually, it was a rider that specifically said no right. No, right. It's my non rider rider Did you get us right a rider? There's no rider right in my story. Here's your bowl of all green apples. We did read the right or right or off of shit. And yeah, you're a coach is looking wider and wider. Yes, thank you. Can we get on with this, please?

Yes, of course, wind spring climb. So I'm so excited to learn about unicorn. Yes, everybody is. Everybody is. Does everybody love unicorns? Yeah, well, everybody thinks they love unicorns. I mean, here's the problem. You come into the world as a particular kind of animal,

then you walk out into the world and people just have certain assumptions about you. Yes, that you're a beautiful magical creature. Yeah, yeah, can I touch you? With a wonderful horn. Yes, you're right. You know, I just want to say to everybody that's culturally insensitive. I don't want to walk around. Let me touch your horn, just relax.

You, whoa! Just look. No, it's just, it's all I, to ask. You walk up and ask you if I can pet your weirdly protruding tummy, what's in there? Oh, it's about 200 coins. Yeah, I mean, I think that there's a little thing called personal space, which as we've established,

I'm sorry, I need a little bit more of. I'm very sorry, it's just my hair doesn't grow like that. I assume, yeah, it's like, it's just, it's a cultural thing, it's how we are. There was a period of time in which a lot of unicorns were going for die jobs. Oh, yeah, trying to go back to the more natural white or chestnut colors associated with

the horse as opposed to the more rainbow-like colors, which we naturally are in. And I should mention for listeners that you are just a lot of colors. You have a very rainbow-y. Very well, not exactly in the same order as the rainbow, that's very annoying to me when people say that I'm rainbow-colored because because as you know rainbow goes in a certain direction of a violet toward red while I am a more different ray of colors from my fat locks to my horn. Your fat locks? I'm sorry I don't know. I guess I don't know all the horse slash unicorn turn. It's well we have the standard as you can see from my enormous equine body, the standard horse body. Yeah.

The thing that makes us different, of course, is the horn on the head. And of course, that brings, that brings, I mean, look, I walk into the room, the horn precedes me. Sure. But so do the cultural expectations. Sure. It's something that we all live with. Yeah. I frankly, I think we've reached a certain time in FUN where you have to understand that yes,

we're mystical, near-imortal, magical creatures, but in the end, we're just people. Wow, that's amazing. I feel terrible now, because I mean, a lot of times, and I don't like to admit this, a lot of times, I'll tell unicorn jokes. Really? Like there's no unicorns around.

I'd be like, and I'm just, I've heard them all. I've heard them all. I just had to tell one. I can have, I mean look, I don't approve of this, but I do wanna hear at least one. A unicorn walks into the bar, and the bartender says, beautiful horn. Yeah.

That's another problem. Yeah. They're not very funny. Yeah, but it seems like, no, me and this unicorn, we see I don't have. For example, what do you call a unicorn who really wants to have sex with his mayor? I love this one.

What do you call that? Naturally expressing his affection for his mayor you son of a bitch. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm a big-aid unicorn walking into a bar. I think that has just happened. And yet there is no drinking front.

That's true. Yeah, let's get, what would you like to have? I would like a big bucket of water Oh, okay, oh Trouble water please and sorry just looking at wind sprinkle. I'm gonna have a rainbow bowl I need to talk to you for a moment. Okay, sure. Yeah, you sir What's that need you to distract this you don't quite like extract a hair from its tail? No, you said are not why would you do that? Yeah, because I need it for a matchable spell

I'm working on. Probably. Probably? I'm just thinking I might use it. Mimi, can you just add a shot of yourself around to the back? Oh god. So wait a minute. Is it that guy?

Yeah. It's that guy. It is. It's you. Yeah. Yeah. This guy is known among the unicorns as that guy. That guy.

That guy. Known to the unicorns as that guy. That guy. That guy. Known to the unicorns as that guy. Yeah, well. He's constantly trying to like sneak up behind us. What? Well known. What?

I don't think so. Yeah. It's somewhat just just just watch yourself. Right, guys. I'll just sit here. So Win's bring cool. While we wait for your big tub of water. Like, can I get some oats?

We also get some oats over here, please. Yo! Oh, the oats. The oats are out in the hall, I'll go grab a cup. Thank you. So wind-spring cold, what makes a unicorn a unicorn? Besides having a horn. Obviously we have the power of speech I need not.

Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure. But certainly what makes us, I I think unique among the creatures of food with both our burdens and our advantages. For example, I cannot tell you how many pre-pubescent girls are coming up and trying to stroke my main. Very distressing, I understand why they're doing it, I put nothing against them. They believe that virgins have power over unicorns that somehow we will become their pet or their companion.

But what's interesting is none of these girls have really thought it out. They come up, they pet me, they expect then something to happen. Sure. And I mean, I've got my own business to attend. I'm a very busy unicorn. I cannot stand around and fulfill whatever strange fantasy

of companionship or friendship being magic that these young girls want. And besides friendship is magic. I mean, they're right about it. Oh no, friendship, I think, is a much more transactional thing based on gives and take, I mean, you know, correctly. Fair enough, sure. But you know what, it's also, it's just got to be weird for anybody, let alone like a

tween to come up to you and think that they have a power over you when they don't. It's gotta be very awkward if they're like, you are now my little pony. It's very strange, especially, and again, I have some sympathy for these girls. They've been misled their entire life. It's based on a translation error. Oh, ancient scrolls, there's a word,

often interpreted as virgin, actually it's a raisin. So, the fact of the matter is raisins have immense power over us unicorns. Oh not virgins Yeah, what's interesting is that there was one young girl. Oh, this was oh, I don't know how many era ago But there was she actually came up to me thinking that she had a virgin She actually had some raisins in her pocket Oh, and of course I was under the actually had some raisins in her pocket. And of course, I was under the spell of the raisins for a good period of time. She did not know that.

I was unable because I was under the spell of the raisins to articulate that problem. So therefore, I had to go home with her. We had a number of tea parties. I was introduced to her friend. Sure. Finally, as she went to bed, I nuzzled her, ate the raisins, fulfilled my need and was able to scamper off. I have to admit this. I nuzzled her, ate the raisins, fulfilled my need and was able to scamper off. I have to admit this, I did poop on her floor first.

Oh, I heard her. You're a little mad, you're a mad. I am mad, and again, I refer you to the enormous body that I am a horse. And then, and then actually reminds me of a question I ask almost all of our guests. What does your poop look like? Really?

Yeah. Do you ask this of all of your guests? I try to. I mean, it doesn't always make the final part. And yet guests continue to show up. They still show up. Well, keep in mind that my poop is, of course, falling behind me. So I rarely turn to look.

Sure. We unicorns have a mission. We're on our path. We're not going to stop around and smell our own poop. Unicorns, the shock of the mystical force. Uh, uh, wind sprinkles. Here's your oats. I'm actually going to go get a, uh, uh, raisin decorate. Does anybody want anything? I'm fine. I'm fine. Are you, uh, wind sprinkles? Are you cool with that?

If he gets a raisin deck, I'm fine. Okay. Yes. That's, okay. Did you say raisins? Mm-hmm. I'll be right back. Okay. Um,, he's gone. If it's awkward for him to have any raisin stuff. Well, you can just say. I mean, it's all right. I wanted to come here, talk to you about unicorns, but under the effect of raisins, I become somewhat helpless.

So, I mean, that's a thing. It's not something that I can control. What we do, those of us who have real problems with raisins, is we go through the 12 steps, which is basically a technique of taking 12 steps away from the raisins. That's once about 12 steps with my long stride, being a horse. You're far enough, that's pretty far, from the raisin. The task no effect on you anymore. No, no, no, that's the benefit of the 12 step. Long grab.

Back, you're just going to put this down here on the table. You know, I've been meaning to ask you, Win Sprinkle aren't your fans, the girl fans, aren't they called goonies? Because they're girls who love unicorns. They short unicorns, they're you. Oh, he is. He's frothing at the mouth.

He's feeling like a brazen backer. I think maybe you shouldn't have that here, Johnson. Yeah. What What he really wants I've used the 12 step program. Why do you just walk 12 steps away? He's he's look and it seemed like that first step was the hardest for sure We are very proud of you very proud. Yes. Well, I have to get something from the other side of the bar We're very proud of you. Very proud. Yes. Well, I have to get something from the other side of the bar.

Oh, wait, you guys are staying away from this tail. Look, Chuck, here, I'm just gonna throw this drink away. What the hell? That guy. That was the oats from the haul. I had to, yeah, that was the oats from the haul and I had to cough up two gold coins for that drink. Look, let's say a quick break,

let's clean some of this stuff up and then I'm excited to, let's say a quick break, let's clean some of this stuff up, and then I'm excited to, without the influence of raisins, talk a little bit more to our unicorn gas. It's a box face. My name is Mike Doty, the vertiginous son of Mike Doty, the inscrutable, and I got the song for you. Well, chance been a dude, chance been a bee. I'll make love and sheltered in the need

Nothing gas-wain is my store Gas-wain is my store Gas-wain is my store Gas-wain is my store Gas-wain is my store Gas-w yes, my store Gas Wayne, yes, my store Gas Wayne, yes, my store Showing his heart his nails and soft gas flan He's 35,000 but whole man

I said, gas, swing, yes, monster Gas, swing, yes, monster Gas, swing, yes, monster Gas, swing, yes, monster Gas, swing, yes my star Gas Wayne, yes my star Gas Wayne, yes my star Gas Wayne, yes my star We're drinking rainbow bowls by the firelight And everybody in the food is gonna get down tonight Gas when yes my star, gas when yes my star Gas when yes my star, and I said gas when yes my star Gas when yes my star, gas when yes my star

Gas when yes my star, gas when yes, master. Gas when yes, master. Gas when yes, master. Thank you very much. Good night. So, WinSprinkle, now that we have all this other stuff cleared out, I do want to hear a little bit more about these goonies. John, you mentioned that the... Yeah, it's a girl's love unicorns. G. Space.

UNI. Oh, I see. Goonie. Goonie. They never quit. You never quit? They never say die never say die for many years We unicorns put up with the goonies as sort of you know just the friction of being in the world, but then

Oh, I would say Thousand years ago we came up with a way to monetize their interest. Oh, yeah, basically You realize of course that Oh, yeah, basically you realize of course that once you've got the girl standing, talking to you, stroking your main, whispering things into you, asking them to be there forever friend, that you have their attention and there's a sales opportunity. So what we came up with is the notion of something we call assurance. Yeah. So what we do is we say to the young girl, young girl, you're very young now, but what would happen to you and your family

if your father say we're to break a leg and have to be killed? So what we do is, I'm sorry, I don't mean interrupt. So if a human breaks their leg and has to be killed, well, yeah, yeah, that's true. I mean, having your leg broken is a death sentence. Yeah, but a lot of time to be fair a lot of times, if a father has his leg broken, the mom will take the father around back and be like, oh, your father won't even say it.

Don't even say it. Don't want up, you know, up country and then hold it. So obviously having legs broken and then having to be killed is a terrible problem and We decided that because we live so long we can offer The young women and their families the opportunity to make small monthly payments to the unicorns and in the event of leg being broken and the provider for the family the farmer the minor the Magician having to be killed because of the broken leg we can make a payment for the family, the farmer, the miner, the magician, having to be killed because of the broken leg, we can make a payment

to the family so as to be able to provide for them. And that's been our business for a while. Wow. Yeah. So the unicorns main business is assurance. Assurance, yes. We consider ourselves the good hooves. The good hooves.

You're in the good hooves. Yes. Yeah. With unicorns. Now as we discovered, there initially wasn't a tremendous desire among the young girls to bring this message of financial safety back to their families. And so what we decided to do was to go ahead and break a few likes. Oh. Which it turns out is not that hard because you humans seem very fragile.

Oh yeah, relatively tall. Oh yeah, just turn around and just, peer backwards a little bit, the horn by the way. Very useful for aiming. Yes, that's why we have it. And just give it a nice little sharp wrap to the upper part of your fetlock. And well, they fall to the ground screaming

and then have to be killed. Well, that is wonderful. For you've taken something that was a burden fall to the ground screaming and then have to be killed. Well, that is wonderful. For you've taken something that was a burden on city and made it into something positive. Boy, you are being annoyed by these girls and now you've made it into a business. I think that's the most wonderful story I've... I'm... it's been very successful.

Wonderful. For us, however, after a while, the young girls stopped coming around. So we would move on to other places, and where girls had still under the understanding that virgins had this power of us. That ended, so basically now we sort of come to a town, sort of heard of unicorns, a very impressive site.

I have to say, just all sort of galloping. And we also have the power, I don't know if you knew this, but we are magical creatures, to gallop in such a way so that it looks as if we're moving very, very slowly. I have seen this for not long. And our mains fly in the air, and we sort of seem to levitate as our feet, all four of them go in the ground.

It's a thing we do, it's an effect. And the people gather and then we, you know, describe to them our business offer, we make our pitch, if you will, and meanwhile we break a few legs. Are you here in Hogsface now to do such a pitch to the folk here? I was sent here to see if there would be a good market for us if if there were people who might be interested in our particular brand of Financial security already. I think with all the red potion you've been drinking You should try and see if you can get health assured. Yeah, you know what I already had just like this company of Guys came over and I already pay them. Oh, right. I'm sorry

Couldn't help it over here. Who might that be? Yeah, just this company of guys, they called that another called Geico, and I gave them some guy co. Yeah, a guy, a bunch of guys. Just a bunch of guys, I mean, I would rather get my assurance from unicorns. They're not even magical horses. There's no guys.

My associates will want to know this. Let me send this to them if I may, so I'll send a message using Weefe. Yeah. Oh, Weefe. Yes. What's well? We unicorns have a system of communicating.

It's very quick. We have something we call workflow. And so what we use is we use a system we call Weefe. This is Weefe. Oh. See a small cult here. And what I do is I simply tell Weefe what I want the other unicorns know and He runs off go Weefe

Let them know we have competition. Oh That's strong that is strong Weefe. Yeah, I hate to admit this one time I caught Weefe Who's running errands? I'm so sorry to do this I caught Weefe and I tried to get him to send me a message Oh, you were trying to steal Wee-Fee. But he was like, nae, nae, and I was like, well, let me try and guess your, you know, your mom's, you know, made a name. Sure.

There's this whole series of questions that you have to get through in order for Wee-Fee to accept your mission. Wee-Fee is coming back. Yes, Wee-Fee? Oh, excellent. We have this well in hand. Oh, okay.

Yes, apparently some of my associates know about Geico and they'll be visited sometime this evening. Oh no. So the company, you guys, I hope they've assured themselves. It's possible. What we do, actually, before moving in force against a competitive company is we offer them as a courtesy, the chance to buy a sure and some us.

Before we break through. Very nice. Oh boy. Don't hurt them too bad. I think they're all athletes. They've done really well. They're all state. I know I do with that, man.

Yes. Media, really. Be a good, be a good neighbor, huh? I heard that you offered assurance to the loathsome creatures that snake farm before you put them out of business. Oh yes. Snakes were difficult for us. Yes.

Because they have no legs. Right. And that of course was a disruption to our business model. Uh-huh. However, we got together, put our horns together as we like to share. Oh, can you use that phrase? I feel like when I use that phrase, I get looks.

Oh no, you have to be a unicorn to be able to say that. Yeah, but you say, let's get our horns together. We're like, well, we're the same. Just the other day when we were on the bathroom, like let's get our horns together. It's the same reason I can make jokes about shoes. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, so what we did in regard to the Snake Farm assurance company is once we realized that they had no legs, which we could break, is we really stomped on them. Yeah. Yeah. So obvious once you... Yeah. It took a them. Yeah, so obvious, once you... Yeah, it took a while. Yeah, it was pictures wrapped around forever.

We had a all night brain storming session. Yeah, you know, just generally rule, just, you know, throw it up on the board, doesn't matter. Yeah. No bad ideas here. Sure. And then it was one of my associates, Sparkle Joy. Sparkle Joy?

Who said, let's just stomp on the sons of bitches. Yeah. And we all, hey, Sparkle Joy. Sparkle Joy? Who said, just let's just stomp on the sons of bitches. Yeah, and We all want, hey, that's great and we all sort of circle that and we decided to go ahead and do that. Quick question. Does someone hold the the piece of chalk or the quill in their mouth? Oh, no, no, no, no. How do you circle it? Do you circle it with magic? No, no, no, we put a piece of coal on our horn. I mean, how do you do? Duh. Well, I pierce it. I have to use these... That's a nice thing. I have to use these clumsy, many, digit-ed hands that I have in this human form.

Yes. They do seem so fragile. Yes. Oh, how I wish I was a wizard in the form of a unicorn. Hey, that guy. How are you set for assurance? I... I'd be happy to step outside of a unicorn. Hey that guy, how are you set for assurance? Because I'd be happy to step outside at some time and discuss your assurance needs. I've got to be pretty honest. I don't think anything bad's going to happen to me. I was just dead and now I'm fine. Yeah, you don't really need life assurance.

Yes, yes. Are you sure? I don't know. I mean, I'm just saying, and if I may, just move myself around here, those are, oh, could you lift up your robe a little bit? Just go to the negative. Just a little bit.

No, I'll just pull it up all the way. Don't worry. That's fine, I'm not interested in your human, oh, that was impressive. No, those are very nice legs, and I can only say it would be a terrible shame if anything would happen to either of them. He could break your leg. It's not just your life at your legs. Well, someone might break your leg and of course you'll have to be killed. That would be terrible.

Also, don't forget that before King Belar died, he made a decree that everyone must have health assurance. No, yeah, he didn't want to do that. Thanks, Belaroth. He very much didn't want to do that. Thanks, Bill, Aroth. He very much didn't want to do that. But he managed to do it right before he died. Well, I, uh, I, I, I, I, I, moments before he pay you. How much gold do I owe you here? I'll get into my pouch.

Oh no, let me. Ugh. Is ten gold coins enough? That will be adequate for a down payment on your plan. Oh, wonderful. Wifi, would you pick those up please? Thank you, Wifi. That was perhaps the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

In all of my friends, constantly you're shitting on the floor. Wifi, come here, Wifi feet. Wee feet. Leave wee feet alone. Oh, I will. If you tell me the making model of your first carriage, I will leave wee feet alone. I don't think horses have characters. We don't pull carriages. That's that's rude. I just figured one of the questions to Wee feet might be the making model of his first car. It's a good question. Don't put it. Don't put your carriage question before the horse. Which reminds me, the annual composition, we're gonna crown a miscarriage sometime later this year. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. So when, Sprinkle, it's been so exciting to meet you. I feel like I still have like a million questions about unicorns, but we'll just have to have you on another time. Oh, that'll be my pleasure. I mean, I do put on, you know, if I did have pants, I presumably would put them on one leg at a time. Oh, that would be my pleasure. I mean, I do put on, you know, if I did have pants, I presumably would put them on one leg at a time. Sure. Except, of course, that's impossible

because I have no hands. Yeah, but I think somebody else, somebody who were to help me get into pants would help me put them on one of my four legs at a time before I kicked them to death because unicorns don't like pants. You know what I think you said my truth. But it's a classic unicorn pants question. Should a unicorn pants have two legs or four? Okay. You know what's not a thing, but if it were, would you rather have all four legs in pants? I think that there's an issue of symmetry.

I see. Yeah. I mean, you wouldn't want the... Because you have to understand that for me, I have front legs and back legs, but they're all legs. Yeah. I mean you wouldn't want the because you have to understand that for me I have front legs and back legs But they're all legs. Yeah, however, however, challenge you yes But how do you know you don't like pants if you've never worn them? Well, that is of course because in the cold months We unicorns do enjoy putting on kind of cylinders of fabric onto our legs. We call them leg warm. Leg warmers, yes of course, yes.

So from that perspective, it's easy to imagine if these went up further, yes. Yes, yes. Now I think that would be terrible. Yeah, yes. Arnie, you're being rude to asking what his poop looks like. I've already asked him what his poop looks like. Oh, you did?

Oh, were you not here last time for that? That's my favorite segment of every show. I know. I know. I know. Although speaking of segments, I feel like we should be doing more segments, you know, podcasts on Earth. They do like regular segments that get listeners excited

to kind of come back to the podcast. You know, we did tavern takeaways for a while. I was thinking maybe we should do a segment sort of inspired by another podcast. I like we should do a segment called I-I-Nay where I just throw out something weird. Is that rude to say I-I-N-A where I just throw out something weird. Is that rude to say I-I-N-A with a horse here? It's, first of all, he's not a horse, he's a unicorn.

Thank you. I just want to offer that I don't know much about this podcast of which you speak. Sure. Yet it seems to me that if there were some podcast, some regular entertainment, sure. Which had the very same segment in the same

sequence, week after week after week after week after week after week after week, that would be the worst thing imaginable. What a drudgery. What I mean, that would be horrific, you'd hear the first segment and you'd know that the second segment was coming up and boy, how boring would that be. I think it would be much more interesting to do different things every week as opposed to the same you know let's assume that you have a segment that is a particular kind of game. Sure. And you play to this game every week I mean

presumably that would get dull. TDS. Well what if you brought in like interesting people to play the game with you like I don't know like I'm just hypothesizing like what if you brought in like celebrities or something to play the game with you, like, I don't know, like I'm just hypothesizing, like, what if you brought in like celebrities or something to play the game with you? What is a celebrity? Just like a person of note, like a person that everyone's just like a royalty, more or less. Royalty, but royalty that doesn't really do anything for your life. Well that's sound, that's sort of the set of all royalty you just described.

I suppose that's true. I don't know, it's still strikes me. Wait, wait, wait, don't tell me you're talking about me Role T who does nothing? True. You are a royalty that does nothing. He told I'd rather watch a sunset or my enemies die Sounds good to me. Yeah, also the reality of getting decent royals week after week after week is pretty low I mean eventually you're gonna have to make some compromises and get some, you know, B-level royalty.

That's true. B, I mean after a while, like you're just praying for B-level royalty. That's very true. Yes, I imagine you could get entirely desperate in your search for indolent royalty and invite just anybody at all to show up on your, what is it called, a podcast? Podcasts, yeah. So as to somehow try to provide just the slightest tinge, the smallest whisp of novelty for your —worshull of entertainments. —Right, for your increasingly bored and depressed listeners.

That strikes me as a nightmarish scenario, which I would never want anything to do with. —That's true. —How do we play INA? Forget about it. Let's open these packages. Yeah, I got a package here. This is from Amber Huey in San Francisco. What does that have to be? What do you put it out? This says, hey boys, love the show. Here are a few things that you might find interesting or useful. Keep up the good work from Amber.

PS, please come to SF Sketchfest. SF Sketchfest. What is Sketchfest? It's a giant drawing of a fist. And people from all around the world come to San Francisco to see the giant sketched fist. Here's what is in my package here this is says to chunt. It says the Reynolds pamphlets. Have you read this? I don't I've never seen this before. Yeah, I don't know

what is it. Tell me how to say no to this. I don't know. I suppose there. This is some sort of thing called the Reynolds pamphlet. I'm in the team. I'm gonna read this over. It seems scandalous. Yeah. My package came wrapped in beautiful blue tissue paper. And as I unwrap it here, I see, oh, my favorite rocks. Oh, beautiful rocks, so magical rocks. Oh, and a little note. Oh, oh. Here are two owl pellets

From the great horned owl fledglings. They are full of earth cricket legs and other earth cricket bits I'm sure you can do some kind of wizardry shit with them and I know how you feel about birds I collected these myself from a tiny island in the center of the lake of a stair in the park of the Golden Gate in the land of San Francisco. Oh, but shit turned into rocks, even better. What is this place San Francisco and why do people from there send you shit? That's a good question, because frankly, I have shit,

but I'm not throwing away my shit. Well, you know, the San Francisco isn't like all that valuable. They just call it San Francisco values. It's not that big of a deal. All right, real quick, the different San Francisco isn't like all that valuable. They just call it San Francisco values. It's not that big of a deal. All right, real quick, one email. You can always email me at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies. My new husband and I have been listening to your podcast on our honeymoon and it's amazing. Thank you for being amazing Skyler Star.

Congratulations Skyler Star. Yeah, congratulations on the new husband. Did she say on her honeymoon? Yeah. Honeymoon will be completely enraged by this. Honeymoon A belongs to no one. And also, just like all of us unicorns, Honeymoon hates to be ridden.

That's true. I'm going to send him a note via Wi-Fi. Oh, goodbye Wi-Fi. And also, I feel like if you were to climb on top of Honeymoon, there would be any number of things you would rather do than listen to the show. Agreed. Like, get busy on top of Honeymoon.

Oh, we hate that in particular. Oh, okay, we're out of time, but next time you're on, I'm gonna have a lot of questions about people. Probably people try to crawl on top of you and have sex. There's nothing worse. And what's the name of the pet that you had as a child? Why do you keep asking me these odd questions you distended, bellied badger? Me no no.

Some day I hope to fall in love, travel to an exotic land, and binge listen to an Indie Darling podcast. We all have our own version of Autumn in New York. Usador the Lighter Blue was played by Matt Young with all the refined sensibility of a white hot media right crashing into a garbage planet. Chant the King of the Badgers was played by Adel Raffaie. How to achieve the same lukewarm level of investment week after week? Me no no.

Wind Sprinkle the Unicorn was played by special guest Peter Segal. You may recognize his voice from the popular NPR news quiz. Don't volunteer information. I'm busy. Which, as always, been much higher on the podcast charts than this dust-deal chestnut. And the song, Gas Wayne Yes My Star, was written and performed by Mike Douty. Yes, that Mike Douty. Go by his new album The Hard Watches, while the Brain Burns,

and support him on Patreon at patreon.com slash Douty. And now the script I'm holding literally says, manufacturer reason to toss the episode to Craig. So let's assume I just did. You know, I've been here for a while. I don't know why you let Craig do so much of the outro read, and I don't get to do anything. Yes, Tricia, that must be very frustrating, but I believe Mike DAUTI said it best. It is album title. The heart keeps its secrets while the brain plans revenge. Something like that.

Anyway, take it away, Craig. I hate when you guys fight. Hello from The Magic Tavern was produced by Arne and Ecamp, Evan Chicover, and Ryan D. Georgie, this one edited by Garrett Schultz, music by Andy Paulland, logo by Aller LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistant, by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at hellofromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and thanks to Eurowulf. Do not forget about the Chicago podcast festival show

in Chicago, November 19th, with special guest, Scott Atsid from 30 Rock, and many other awesome things. You can go to Chicagopodcastfestival.org for more details and to get tickets. Seriously, this is gonna be a really good show. If you can make it to Chicago, November 19th, get some tickets.

Just think, Craig. If Peter Segal was the gateway NPR personality, it's only a matter of time before we've got Terry Gross on here playing a Nasgoole. I like car talk. you