Hello From The Magic Tavern - 87 - Missing Fathers (Live from Now Hear This in Anaheim, CA)

Episode Date: November 14, 2016

The tavern is very busy. Let's talk to the Pandenomicon, a sentient vapor... and maybe someone else.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSpintax the Green's Pandenomicon: Charlie McCrackinFfffp the Sentient Vapor: Holly LaurentArnor: Blaine SwenMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzLive Photo: Daniel McGowanSpecial Thanks:Lore's Aaron MahnkePop Culture Happy Hour's Linda Holmes, Stephen Thompson, and Glen WeldonYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hey, this is Craig up on the space station. I mean, on regular, regular earth. Just setting everything up to make it convincingly seem like this episode is live. So let me just find the right sound effects here. Oh, and speaking of live podcasts, this week's episode is brought to you by the Chicago Podcast Festival. Chicago's 17th to the 19th. That's pretty soon.

35 podcast on five different stages. Shows like bullseye, cry babies. Hello from the Magic Tavern with special guest Scott AdSit. I'm interested in that one. Kevin McDonald's, Kevin McDonald's show with special guest Bob Saggett, risk of the room where it's happening, selected shorts, two out for radio, song exploder, and a lot more.

Get tickets and info at Chicagopodcastfestival.org. Seriously, check it out. Oh, and it's also brought to you as usual by cards against humanity. Thank you so much, cards against humanity. Okay, I think I have the fake audience noises I'll queue up here. Take it away, sir.

Warning, the following podcast is not real. It does not prove that there are other worlds beyond your own, so don't go getting any troublesome ideas in your head. And to prove it's not real, this episode is being recorded live in Anaheim, California, as part of the now-here-this podcast festival. I mean, you can't get much more not-real than that. And you know, since we're talking about a podcast festival,

it has me thinking, why do I always have to listen to just hello from the magic tavern? For once, I'd like to listen to something else for a minute or two. You know what? I'm doing it! I'm gonna take a moment to listen to this instead. On September 23 of 1880, Daniel Long and his wife Emma stepped outside their farmhouse. Emma walked toward their children, who were playing out in the front yard near the road while Daniel headed toward the pasture to check on his horses. As they did, a buggy approached from the down the lane. The children dropped what they were doing

and rushed to the edge of the yard. It was judge Peck, and that meant presence. Every time he drove by it seemed the judge had something new to give the kids. A small toy, an apple, sometimes even a book. Daniel Long must have heard the buggy pull up, but he didn't have time to stop and chat. Instead, he just shouted a hello and raised his hand. Everyone turned toward the shout, judge Pek wave back, and Emma and the kids smiled at Daniel.

And then, mid-stride, he vanished. His family screamed and rushed to where he'd been standing, but all they found was an empty yard. There was no hole, no bush, or tree to hide behind. Out in the open, one minute he'd been there, and the next... gone. Of course, the neighbors were called over, and dozens of people searched the fields for hours, long after sunset, though. Everyone was set home, lanterns in hand, without ever finding Daniel. For centuries, cultures around the globe have spoken of the power of in-between spaces. Crossroads, borders, places where worlds seem to melt together. Where the veil is

thinner than usual, some people refer to these spaces as liminal, like the space within the frame of an open door. When you're standing within one, you're equally absent and present in both rooms. While these locations are rare and difficult to find, some are more prominent than others. Sometimes they even appear right in the middle of our busy modern lives, resulting in chaos, mystery, even tragedy. A judging by what happened in March of 2015, at the intersection of Clark and Irving Park. Even something as pedestrian as a Chicago Burger King drive through can Can lead to certain death. I'm Aaron Manky, and this is Lauren.

Oh great, so that's just what we need, a much more popular podcast starting to get the word out about the existence of other dimensions. Now there's a chance I'm going to have to go kill the guy from lore, and from his voice he sounds super jacked. Well, I suppose I've delayed the show long enough, let's get to the business at hand. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, hello, welcome. This is all you need to know. About a little less than two years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king

in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King, food as a dimensional rift. I don't know exactly how it works. Don't think too hard about it. But I use that to upload a podcast that I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, where we are now. What is it? What is it? It's a more boisterous than usual. Tavern. In the town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon.

And I'm so excited. I just can't hide it. I am about to lose control. I don't know how you would know anything about that. But I'm joined as always by my co-host, Chunt, the King of the Badgers. Oh yeah, baby. So what do you have on the teacher? A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

I was thinking it seemed from the bathroom. It seemed like this is a pretty rowdy crowd tonight in the Vermilion Minotaur. Oh, yeah. But I thought to teach you FUNES most popular drinking game. I didn't tell it to you because people when they hear about it they go crazy. They love it so much. They couldn't love it more. It's maybe what people in FUNES love most.

Really? Yeah, do you want to play? Sure. Sure. You're tankered? Oh, I do. I do. I have mine. So this game is called Jar Jar Clinks. What you do is each person has a jar. No, no. I'm out. Each person has a jar. I'm out. I'm out. What? Mesa no wanted to play this game.

What is that boy? No, no. I'm never going to do that voice ever again. I never heard that voice, but I hate it. Yeah, oh yeah. So each person has a jar of beer. Okay. What you do is you play with however many people, you close your eyes, you point it one other person in the group. Okay.

And if when you open your eyes, you're pointing at the same person that's pointing at you, you clink your jars and you drink for three seconds. And then whoever has the most beer at the end, buys the next round. I don't know, let's call it Jar Jar Quinks.

If you had to guess, is the origin of Jar Jar clinks and food someone being like, love this name, let's figure something out for it. No, I feel like it has a deep rich history and you should respect that I taught it to you.

Okay, let's play around of Jar Jar Quinks. Okay, here we go. Okay. Close your eyes. Point it someone in the bar. Open your eyes. Clink. Jar Jar Clink.

All right. Do we drink? All right, just call me Colonel Clink. What's that? That's the Earth people are pretty ambivalent about. Yeah. Yeah. All right, you know what, I feel like this game would be better

if we added another person to it. So we are joined also as always by my other co-host, Usenor the Lighter Blue. Hello! What in doing? I'm magical to write. Devour of chaos, champion of the great polls of Turokos, the Erum's Numi is being yelling, the thing is Numi is doing it in whose stangies. Shut up and I, the Northeastern's castles. George R. Cleese. So, and there may be other secret names you do not know yet. I, and some of these names may be perfectly harmless, but yay!

These are the names if they are uttered aloud. They would surely rend the skin from your very skull. Your eyeballs would surely shoot out of your face and fly into your friend's mouth, and that's just gross! So many of the things that happen with your name or eyeball related, I've noticed? Yes. That's a clue. You said, or how have you been? You're good.

Good. Is that it? No, I've recently returned to the plane of the living after being released from my vampiric curse and now here I return to you now as you said always you see before you return all my former glory. Yes. How are you? Nobody asked how aren't you? Yeah. How are you? Nobody asked how aren't you? No, I'm good. What's next? You're great. You're great.

You haven't seen your family in two years and you're great. That's your response. Think again. Look, I love my family. I'm desperate to... Oh. Sorry, I just distracted because. I'm desperate to oh Sorry, I just distracted because I don't see your wedding ring I My my wedding ring gears are turning the gears are turning

My wedding ring God stolen by a Lepricon we have those right Do we ever? Oh the mischief that they caused with their chicaneery. Oh That they would return to the Isle of Migos where they hail from. The Lepurcons are from the Isle of Migos. Yes Little green bastards. Yeah There are a few that are from the hood which is the It's a piece of land that shuts out over the lake. We call it the hood because it's like the cloak or the hood of a, you know. It's the same shape as a hood.

Yeah. Sorry, I just felt the need to justify that thoroughly. Yeah, yeah. I wonder if this leprechaun that I saw is currently going back to the hood. You real pleased with yourself? Earth people are loving it more than that Hogan's heroes reference. Well here's what we'll do. Here's what I propose we do.

Let's, because we've joined Yusidore's party, we've joined his quest. Yes. I have a question for you. Let's take our party to join Yusidore's quest. Let's take everybody that's in our ensemble and let's go get your ring back. Let's go find your one ring. Yes, we can be the fellowship of my ring. Yeah, let's go get your ring back. Let's go find your one ring. Yes, we can be the fellowship of my ring. Yeah, let's go find your wedding ring. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Well, I have to say I'm very heartbroken that it's gone. It's very

precious to me. Oh, you lost your precious. Yeah. Oh, precious. Yeah. How I love that ring. Oh, I would stare at it sometimes on your finger. Yeah. I wish that I could have it for my very own. And you know. And then they would just bring me some spice potatoes. Oh, yes. Yes, I would stay here and hold the ring and kiss it

and love it, my sweet precious. Can we go on horseback or do you? Because I know you told me in secret that you don't like to write on horses because you usually sit on your balls. Is that still a problem? Yes, I do tell you that. That's a secret.

Look, it's just us. It's just us here, guys. Yes, just us. No one has to hear my. Nobody else at the bar is paying attention. You told me you sit on your own balls. I do sit on my own balls. Why don't you stop?

It's good advice. But guys, we should get my ring back. I haven't really talked to you, but men's wedding rings on earth have special powers. What? If you put them on, you're invisible. You're invisible to be. To everyone?

Yeah, especially women. Why haven't you told me of this great power before? And why don't we get a larger poster for the tavern? Yes. Yes. There's all that space on the wall of the tavern. Yeah. And yet, we have one very small poster in the middle of it.

But it is centered. It is. It is. Now, now here this. The poster is a little small, but you know, originally I looked at it on a much smaller wall. I'm like, this is a great size for this poster. And then I put it on that bigger wall. And I was like, oh shit.

Guys, you know what? I know nothing about leprechauns. I'm going to ask the pandanomicon about it. OK. I've been carrying it around. It's been counting my steps. How many steps do you have today? Well, let's ask pandanomicon. How many steps do you have today? Well, let's ask Pandan Amicon,

how many steps did I have today? Please turn me off! LAUGHTER Please turn it off. Pandan Amicon, why do you want me to turn you off? Let me sleep! Have you not been letting the Pandan Amicon rest in the evenings? I was I supposed to do that? How do I...

Of course! You've been leaving it on 25 hours a day? There's 25 hours? My God. You didn't know that there's 25 hours in a day? No. It has felt like 32. Sweet God has flew.

Please forgive Arnold, his digressions. That explains why I always eat dinner so early. Yeah, that explains it. But bandanomicon, are you really having such a hard time being in this stone? Yeah, man, have you ever stayed awake for a long time? No, no. It's been like months. The only thing you've had me do is count your steps that takes no time.

Pandanamikhan lists things in food that move less than orny. Oh man. Alright, hold on. Things are a little bit jumbled. I'm searching That mountain That big one mountain That never moves just one mountain. What about all the other mountains in fun? Well, the other mountains aren't so fucking lazy

Well, I'm I'm very sorry pand Panthenon, Amacon. If you looked more like a human being, that is specious. Is that what you say about me? What I'm right here? If you look more like a human being. It is what he says about me. I do. I do.

Well, you have two options here, Arnold. When you've left a sentient being on like this, when you've let it go so long, you have two options here, Arnold. When you've left a sentient bean on like this, when you've let it go so long, you must either shut it down and give it a long period of time to reset, maybe a month or so, or you can bring it to life. Bring it to life? Yeah, so go ahead, do that. What, how do I, do I have to hit a certain...

Oh, I guess I'll take care of it. Pandanomicon, this is Yusadol. This is a spell known as Anthropomorphism. Who? Yusadol. With the, with the twelfth or the Loonophysius. Master of Light and Shadow. Many p-lake-turb magical delights.

Devour of Chaos. Champion of the Great Halls of Trockus. The elves know me as Fengi, Ellie. No. The dwarves know mea is Fengi, Ellie. No. The Dwarves Nomea is Zona, who extends. He's none of this is ringing a bell. The name sounds familiar. Oh, all right.

Listen to me now, Pan and I'm Connors. I whisper to you softly, and close. He's got that stone way up in there. I breathe into you. He's riding the alphabet with his tongue on it. Oh, BC, E, F. Oh my God. The rock seems to like it. Yeah. Oh, it's all it's work like, like, like more power to him, but also life be within you. Let the breath of life find you and may you take form. I be on self finally and fully at last. Corrine, Paul with shall be shall be shall be. Oh shall be. All right. All right. Fine.

Fine. I'm alive. You've made me alive. Great. Bandon Helicon, are you... Are you... Spin-tax now again? No. I was never spin-tax. My miswords brought to life. Oh, yeah.

Totally normal stuff. Yeah, of course. Should we take a minute and just re-explain everything to Arning? Take 20 or 30 minutes and just explain. You fall into a magical portal into the magical behind a Burger King your wife and child were left behind. Yes, you do coast-a-weekly talk show here from the tavern of a million Minnet, man. In the town of Hogs fans. In the town of Hogs, I said, no, not a food. Where you meet all manner? Mystical creature in the fellow. This shirt was white when you came here. This shirt was white.

You know what, I get a lot of shit for this shirt. So you know what, I'm not going to wear it anymore. Sounds like a fair deal. I, people in the Vermilion Minotaur, apparently want me to take my shirt off. So, finally, what every fan wants is already taking a shirt off. Good audio. Yes, he's taking it off now. So finally what every fan wants is already taking a shirt off good audio

Yes, he's taking it off now let me describe it to you He now has a shirt That's the same color of the inside of a cantaloupe well. Oh, well. Shouldn't you be upstream? Yes, it is very salmon color guys. I finally got a me shirt. It's me. This is me on my shirt. Yes Yeah, it is you did they push that through the portal to you? Yeah, I Got this through the portal your wolf made a shirt that says I don't want to talk about earth stuff and it's a picture of me Also, I suspect people on earth will just be really engaged and captivated about this shirt You might have missed that.

Yeah, like if I run Earth and I just started talking about this shirt, people would be like, oh please, keep talking about this shirt. Well, let's talk to the book and card it. So Pandan Amicon, tell me about leprechauns. Oh, all right. Right into that. Hold on.

All right, leprechauns. Oh, hold on. You were so much faster in a stone. Ha, ha! Yeah, I was well rested. I gotta say as a human, he looks like my friends. I had a friend who died and I talked to his spirit after he died. And he was so grateful he was dead and he reminds me of that friend

Okay, leprechauns of fun Live at the end of rainbows They must be under four foot nine inches Pension for gold Cross reference C dragon hoarders, etc Can I clarify that you can get too tall to be a leprechaun? You can just grow out of it. Yes, absolutely.

Ah, I did not know that. If you're parents are leprechaun's and you're four-tener above, you're just a weirdo. Oh, all right. It's possible. I didn't measure him. It's possible. A weirdo stole my ring.

Well, then that's a crime. Yeah. Also, sometimes two leprechauns will stand on each other's shoulders and wear a trench coat and try and, you know, get into bars and stuff. Yeah. Are leprechauns not allowed in bars? No, they're too mischievous.

Oh, they're scamps. They're little scamps. Uh-huh. And the problem is that too many children try to dress up like leprechauns for a long time to get into bars. So then we had to outlaw like leprechauns for a long time to get into bars. So then we had to outlaw that leprechauns could get into bars too. And then they started doing the leprechauns stacking trick.

Now the children also do the leprechauns stacking trick. The children dress like leprechauns and then stand atop one another. There's a lot of layers going on. Hey, let's talk to our first guest. I'm so excited, guys. I don't even really know how to introduce this guest. I don't know if it has a gender or or even a name. It's just kind of like a vapor or a smoke. But please, a round of applause for... Pfft! Hey guys, thanks. Thanks, we're excited to be here.

Yeah, thanks for measure to meet you. Are we? Did I already say that right? Yeah, did I say that right? Yeah, I don't like it if people pronounce my name too close to me because you could inhale me. Oh. But yeah, the correct pronunciation is... Oh, I see. There's a little like a... Is it?

I see. That's a good one. Don't do it too close to it. So if I accidentally do inhale you, what should I do? You know, it happens. You don't really... I don't enjoy do you know it happens you don't really you don't I don't enjoy it but it happens but you won't really experience much you'll be fine okay maybe a feelings of comfort pleasure you know it depends on the state of mind

you are already in okay yeah great so what I'm a T-nuck. You're a T-nuck? I'm a T-nuck. Yeah. I'm a byproduct, really. I get created as a byproduct of spells. Oh, I don't have a... Sorry. If I not told you of T-nucks before?

No. Oh, yes, I create them all the time with all my magical dealings. Yes. Oh, you know about that? Oh, yes, of course. Whenever I cast a magical spell part of the Byproduct is a tinock. Yeah, yeah, and if they ever render you a service as my doctor John likes to say you better tip a tino You know the realms there are byproducts created by the way people get around or you know the things they eat create byproducts

Sometimes people know or they don't care, you know't care. But every time a wizard casts a spell, really in any realm, T-NUCK is created, and then it lives forever. Wizards should think more consciously about the buy products they're creating. You should really be worried about your T-NUCK footprint. Man. I'm not that worried about it. I'm pretty sure that magical catch up

and be able to keep us all safe. Well, there was a few A few years ago there was a law pass that was requiring wizards to do like a wizard pool Or like they all pull their magic together so that it's less great less t-nucks Oh, yes, so but that didn't pass so yeah, we never asked to be created, you know, but we're here You know sure and then once you're here, you're here forever You know forever. Yeah forever. Yeah forever. Yeah forever. So what kind of spell created you? It was a spell called six pins none the Richard Yeah, what's that? It was a spell I was originated from a spell called Six Pins Nund the Richard. Six

Pins Nund the Richard. Yeah, there was this wizard who hated this guy name Richard, right? Richard? Yes, he was a bastard. Yeah, and so this wizard, he really hated Richard. See, and so for six nights in a row, he snuck in while Richard was sleeping in his chambers and he pricked him one time per night for six nights. Oh, a prick. Like every night a prick. Every night.

Yeah, I guess so, I wasn't there yet. So anyway, you know, the wizard, he snuck in, he pricked him on the sixth night of being pricked. Uh-huh. Richard became a nun and now he's been living in a nabby ever since and I was originated on that night six night of six pinned and the Richard six pin none the Richard it was a good spell if you didn't like Richard yeah because now he's living in a nabby somewhere as a nun so he would just sneak in at night

under the Milky Twilight? TWS a magnificent spell cast by none other than I! Use it all! Oh, you. Because Richard is kind of an asshole. Wow. So, you know. That's such a great story. Do you want anything to eat or drink?

Can I get you some beef and barley? Oh, yeah, sure. I'll take whatever you got. Okay, great. Yeah, I mostly just enjoy the smells, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Sorry, I'm feeling a little stunned because it's sort of like, you know, meeting your dad for the first time.

Oh, yeah. You kind of created me, dude. Yes, I definitely created you. How's it going? Already pay attention because you might have this moment one day. That's hopeful. That means help me. It's been okay. I've been through a lot of realms through a lot of times. I've seen a lot of stuff. I only got to phone really with I was traveling with a circus. I got inhaled by a gypsy

years ago and he didn't have a sale for a really long time. Oh really? Yeah. How long did you live in those gypsy lungs? Oh it's been years, years until the circus just arrived here in Hogs face and I got out. Wow. Yeah. So, you said, or do you care at all? That this is a... A teanuck that you made? Of course, I care. I think about it all the time. All the little teanuck I leave around.

That's why I mention it so much on the podcast every week. Yeah, do you even listen? No, no, he's always talking about teanuck. You're always talking about your teanuck? Yeah, you know how I'm always talking about that. I'm surprised to even know what it is. A lot of people don't even know. This is such a potentially awkward question.

Are you a boy or are you a girl? Oh, a genderless. Oh, genderless. Yeah, I'm just like a vapor smoke that will exist for all time. For all time? Yeah, once I was originated, yeah. That was sort of a rude question, but I also have a question that might be inappropriate. Are you financially stable?

I mean, I'm a hustler, I get by, you know. You get by? Yeah, I take care of business. I've been a lot of places. I've seen a lot of stuff, you know. In Foon alone, I've seen the Dark Lord, but in the Dark Lord's chambers. What's that? You've been in the Dark Lord's chambers? Yeah, it wasn't a real big deal. He didn't know. What you mean it wasn't a real big deal?

Oh my days and nights are committed to thinking about the Dark Lord and how I may someday defeat him. I may someday gather a fellowship of this ring of Arnold's. I and then we shall gather together by the three of us in Tom Blaine, Bellaroth, and Pimbley, Nimbo Bottom, and that makeup artist whose name escapes me. And whoever else said yes, and we shall ride, ride towards the dark land of the dark Lord. And if you have any information, anything at all that you know about this dark Lord, you must share it I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm very excited. You know, I'm always looking for new sponsors for the podcast. We're getting some from Earth, but I also have a new sponsor from Foon that I'm very excited about. Maybe I'll try to play our sponsor music here in my laptop that is right in front of me. Great object work.

Hello, everyone. My name is Linda Holmes, and I host Top Torture Happy Hour. A weekly panel discussion beams directly into the puny minds of all those in food who would resist the awesome power of the Dark Lord. I will be joined this week as every week by my colleagues, Steven Thompson. I am a scribe for the Dark Lord's horrific compendium of torture music. Now that's what I call torture music, volume one. And Glenn Weldon. I write about tombs, illustrated manuscripts,

and infernal magics for the Dark Lord's newsletter, Quake and Fear, You Witness Fools. This week we will gather, once again, in the Dark Lord's Citadel in historic dungeon 44 to discuss our favorite methods of torture used by our Dark Master to exert his will on the weak and defenseless of fun. Yes, we will talk from the screws, the iron maiden, the Judas chair, and as always, the pair of anguish. And we'll close with our favorite segment, what's making us happy this week.

It, uh, it'll be the Dark Lord. It's always the Dark Lord. Praise his magnificent cruelty, so get ready for talk torture, happy hour. Not that you can really, I mean the Dark Lord will just beam it into your tiny, tiny brains and you couldn't resist it if you tried, but tried to anyway. And we'll just make the pain mark, squizz it. [♪ Music playing, cheers and applause, and applause. It occurs to me that I should screen our sponsors. We had a surprising number of, like straight up evil spawn, evil sponsors. Is that true?

Yeah. You said, I'm so sorry, I got a dark Lord-related sponsor of the podcast. We, I don't hear them. You don't hear our sponsors? No, you, don't you add those in later? Well, we clearly never talked about this before. Yeah, you said, or I'm so sorry that later on, after we're done, I'm going to actively add an evil sponsor into the podcast. Oh, why would you do such a thing, man?

I don't know, but there's no way to stop myself from doing it later on. At least it isn't Bungery Chubbins that Chamber Pot salesman. I'm thinking about six pinning him. Speaking of the Dark Lord, like, you know, if a teenuck doesn't have a strong wizard presence in its life, it could get involved with dark dealings like the Dark Lord. But I feel like that's a phase of typical teenucker goes through. I feel like at a certain age, a teenucker is like, wants to be left alone, will spend a lot of time in lungs and just be like, I don't want to talk to anybody.

Yeah, I was angry for a really long time. Yeah. But you know, you find your own way. You know what I mean? Angry at the dark, Lord. So am I. Yeah, he was all right. He was like, he was kind of short, actually.

Really? Yeah, he's kind of short. Smells like salt and vinegar chips, sort of. Oh, I love salt and vinegar chips. Do you love the smell of them? I do. Oh, I know that voice. Oh, I know that voice.

My word. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. this is the one we're already guys How are the feets going Arnie? It's it's our nor the warrior who's promised to kill me zero steps recorded today What what's an amazing feat to to not move your feet? I know I'm in mortal danger But I feel compelled to tell new listeners that

About a year ago our nor the warriors very angry at me for having a similar name to his He said if I could accomplish more feats in him in half a year that he wouldn't kill me It's actually been more than half a year How many? Yeah, what happened? Why didn't you show up sooner? To kill Arnie. You know, that's a good question, guess whaners.

Yes, I've done it again. As soon as I left here, I accomplished four more feats. First, I finished off the wild boar of mixed-shingleshane forests. Ooh. Then I eternally buried the encyclopedia First I finished off the wild boar of mixed shingle shane forest. Ooh! Then I eternally buried the encyclopedia of Brittany Carr. What were those words again? The encyclopedia of Brittany Carr.

She's a prophetic crow who knows everything that will happen in fun until the end of time. And she tells it to people door to door, she goes around door to door. It's all written down and if it fell into the wrong hands, why that would be the end of fun. So I buried it in a place unknown to anyone else. Then I accomplished my 41st feat. I slew the life of the fallousen sea. And after that I hurried to retrieve the stolen golden pineapples of King Al-Bain-Belarath. Well, I returned those golden pineapples, but And do you know why? Arnie. No. He was dead.

He was dead. He still is. Damn. My adopted father who took me in after I feasted on a dozen fingerians and saved his life. He was dead. Oh, I mourned his death. They told me He was dead. Oh, I mourned his death. They told me it was

natural, but yet he was just four score and one years old. So I ripped open his chest. What? Hold on. Wait, you ripped open someone's chest? Also, how much is that four score? 81. 81. 81. Okay, I'm not good. You're not good at math. I'm not good at old timey math. Old timey math. Yeah, or now timey math here. Look, we've got better math on my world. I ripped open his chest because I suspected foul playing and I was right. His heart was ripped into. Probably, but you could have done that when you ripped open his chest. Like how precise of a chest rippling. Actually, now I'm pretty sure I didn't.

The rip in his heart wasn't consistent with the rip in his chest. Oh, they were slightly off. So I knew I did it to it. You'd have to dig pretty deep to get the heart and the chest at the same time. That's right. Yeah, mostly. Yeah, and also you ruined the topsy in fun when someone dies. We perform a topsy. It's like, you know, someone dies. We're like, oh, topsy. It's kind of fun. Yeah, it's dead. Are you put them on top of a table? You spit them real fast. Yeah. And if they fall off, it's a topsy-turvy. Yeah. But if they're, if they're feet feet pointed someone you have to kiss that person back to my story I have been looking for the murderer of King Albein Belira

Natural causes what you're gonna do. Yeah, I've looked high and low I've only accomplished four feats in the last year Because I've been working on my 43rd feet. So we're kind feats in the last year because I've been working on my 43rd feet. So we're kind of tied for the last year. What? How many did you have more babies or what? I hope not.

No, I mean, I probably had four feats in the last year. What have you done? Zero steps today. I heard you were looking for that lunar sword. How's that going? I'm getting really close to getting the lunar sword. I know of one feat, look in now upon his very chest, where his own vision's doth lay across his body, a shirt with his own face on it.

You're wearing a shirt. No, he grew a chest head. Ha ha. You put on, I'm wearing the skin of a lion. I killed in my garden. But that lion doesn't have your face. Wait, hold on first of all. You just found that lion in your garden?

No, it was, it was shitting in my garden. And I was, I actually was trying to just capture and release it, you know, but lions are fragile. If you don't handle them right. Yes. Oh, the most fragile animal. Oh, you can't, you can't grab it by the tail, because then it just rips right off, you still rides in your hand, but no big deal. They grow it back. But I went to just gently scoop it up out of my strawberry patch, and I accidentally crushed it. And I thought, wait a minute, let's make

your waist knot, what not? I'll wear it. So I put it on. What did you do with the rest of it? Ha ha ha ha ha! I wasted it. I know you're...you promised to kill me, but... How you doing, buddy? You seem to have a real sadness about yourself.

Last time I saw you. My adopted father is dead. How do you think I feel? Oh, honey. I'm sure that's bad. about you since last time we saw you. My adopted father is dead. How do you think I feel? Arnie, Arnie. I'm sure that it's bad. Arnie, I want to clear something up. Yeah. People say your name isn't shorter than mine, but it is. Uh-huh.

It's really exactly the same thing. No. We've gotten a lot of emails about that. We've gotten a lot of emails about that. If you're spelling our names, A, R, N, you're at the same place. But then as you look for the next letter, I comes before O, and it's faster to spell. So your name is technically shorter than mine.

Got you there. Yeah. It does. It does. I don't want to, but I gotta count that as a feat. Fe 43. Well, feet 44 is finding the murder of King Albaim Beloroth. So do you know what I've done?

I've searched high and low. I've gone to the darkest places in food. You know, I went to the ruffled feather. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's that bar you're doing. Yeah, I went to the smoldering widow. And you know who I found there. What?

Dory and Deville. Never met him. Yes. He wasn't supposed to be there. Don't breathe in so deeply in shock, or you'll suck it up. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's just very shocking. I'm still here. It's OK. OK. So I do have a question for you. You said the effects of you are different depending on your state of mind. Like I'm kind of really like scared and nervous right now. What happened if I inhaled you now?

You'd like get a little bit of a body buzz and then your mind would slowly relax. Oh, look, if anyone is going to breathe in, it's going to be me. You said, or really I don't don't know for there yet, man. Maybe we should like take a walk, have a talk, you know what I mean? Sure, I'd like that. You guys are related. I created it. Hey, that's a feat, right?

You better believe it. I also did it while turning a fellow into a nun. That'll show him. Yeah, he's having no fun. No fun at all. None fun! That's right. Thank you, Bandon Amikhan.

That's right. I gotta say, for wasting the rest of the line except for his head, or you should deduct a feat, right? Also, I feel like you said you're on 43. Yeah. I feel like any feat above 42nd feat is just like, man, like up to 42 feet. Up to 42 second feat is pretty great.

And after that, it's like, man, like, why go up there? Well, that's true. 42 feels right. You just want to sit in that for a little while. All right, deduct a feat for the waist. Now I'm back at 42. Wait, so he was at 43. He deducted one. How many is that so much math? So much three he deducted one he he was at 43

Help me help you one Okay, that is I know I keep just looking at it and thinking that the number it's it's 42 somewhere That's it for two. That's a feat. For Arty. I did some basic math. Oh, right. Can feats be graded on how hard they are for you? Oh sure, one of my feats is learning to read.

Oh, Arnor. Yeah. Did you struggle learning to read? I sure did, but I did it. All right, now. Well, I don't want to put you on this bot, Arnor, but I happen to be a book. Read me. Yeah, read this guy.

Sure. Yeah, and if you read him, I'll buy you a personal pen pizza. Yeah, come on. But you have to make a reservation. You must book it. Yeah. Let me turn here to page 43. I walked into the smeltering widow. There was Dorian Deville. Well, he wasn't supposed to be there. He was supposed to be trapped in the astral plane for a prank.

He played on my loincloth. So I grabbed him by the throat and thrust him against the wall. I threatened to pound his face like I pounded the Barney and Bear and he cried out, I know who killed Albaim Beloroth! Who I said. Your answers will be at the vermilion minute, he said. Wait a second. That entry is not within my know That is a first person tale from our north point of view guys. I'll tell you it's written in the encyclopedia of Brittany car

Look and you know what else is written there my revenge. Oh guys. I really don't think our nor can read Right plus his revenge is buried somewhere right Has anyone seen and pick up a book? Read it and not just start talking about things that he's done? Arnie, if you're right, then that means he lied about one of his feats, which means he might have lied about all of his feats. Well, here's one feat I'm not lying about. Arnie! Oh, feats don't fail me now

You killed my adopted father Huh? King Alping Pilarath I'm going to go to earth and kill your adopted father I wasn't adopted Just lie and tell him something of his name on earth to kill. It's been so long since I've been on earth. It's like I keep forgetting earth stuff. I've got to think of an earth person for you to kill. I think of somebody like It's really complicated. Look, don't kill anybody on my behalf. Vigence is mine, Arnie.

Once you've killed my adopted father, you have to face the consequences, and to kill you would be too easy. Oh no, that sword is definitely steel. And you wouldn't suffer, Arnie. So this blade is going to go to earth with me, and it's going to be thrust into the heart of someone you love. It's going to rip open both chest and heart at the same time, and the lines will match

up. And then you will mourn and grieve as I mourn and grieve the death of King Al-Bean Billarot. This is really good stuff. Well, look, first of all, that's horrible to try to kill someone that I love, but also, I can't get to earth. I can't get to earth. No one here's been able to get to earth. I can get there pretty easy I'm just a vapor. I could just like just poo right through that hole. You could. Yeah Oh my god, she's totally gone. Yeah, I love the power to get to earth. Oh you sucked up that lady dude vapor vapor all you in there. Oh my god. He's screaming at his own lungs. Dude, that's your daughter. Easy, honey.

Oh my God. This is messed up. As crazy and captivating as this is, I can't stop staring at your adorable lion head. It might have been a cup. It might have been a lion cup. It's so much really easy. It's so much cup, yeah. Oh my God.

This is messed up. As crazy and captivating as this is, I can't stop staring at your adorable lion head. It might have been a cup. It might have been a lion cup. It's so much really easy. So much cup. Yeah. I just feel like I just feel like somewhere in the multiverse there are cubs that are doing okay. I'm not tonight. Listen to me. I must ask you take on or away to earth, but come back to me so that we may spend time together. I can teach you how to cook, how to drink, how to cast a magical spells and create more of yourself. I will miss you while you are gone. And the cats and the cradles and the chalpers bow.

And I will borrow a little sounds like a cat I know named Steven, but I know that sounds like a cat I know named Steven, but I know that sounds like a cat I know named Steven, but I know that sounds like a cat I know named Steven, but I know that sounds like a cat I know named Steven, but I know that sounds like a cat I know named Steven, but I know that sounds like Steven, but I know that sounds like a cat I know named Steven, but I know that sounds like Steven, but I know that sounds like a cat I know named Steven, but I know that sounds like Steven, but I know that sounds like a cat I know named Steven, but I know that sounds like Steven, but I know that sounds like a cat I know named Steven, but I know that sounds like Steven, but I know that sounds like a cat I know named Steven, but I know that sounds like Steven, but I know that sounds like a cat I know named Steven, but I know that sounds like Steven, but I know that sounds like a cat I know named Steven, but I know that sounds like Beautiful music coming out of your nose. Yes, and soon blood will be spilling out of the chest of someone you love

Just this beautiful music pours out of my nose, but I just so you know. I love a lot of people well on earth I love like the entire state of Florida start there Oh blood will be spilled honey Prepare to weep. For soon those you love will find eternal sleep. Oh yes. Oh God that fucking rhymed. Well you are on phone here meandering in board. Soon your loved ones will be at the end of my sword and you will weep and you will weep, and you will plub, for your family will be as dead as a tiny lion cub. This guy's fucking great. No lie, I'm adding this to my margins.

So farewell, awning. Well, you know what? Learn or know this. What? If you hurt anyone I love There is nothing that can save you there is no receptacle I will come down on you like those vultures on your testicles For new listeners The buzzards of scurrer eight our nor is testicles. I think it's a little eight Arnold's testicles, I think. It's a little...

Ah! Well, that would take a lot of verb, Arnie, it would take a lot of pep, but to kill me first, you're gonna have to take a step. Oh! No! For Arnie, you have made me so dang pissed

that I escaped to earth with the power of the mist! All right, but here I do hold you here with this power of my freeze. I, and you shall eject my own creation, that daughter with a breeze from line mouth. You shall eject her out, and she shall be free and allowed to float about. Yeah, dude, not without his daughter. Because you know what?

You sure possesses a certain set of skills, a certain itself that makes him a nightmare for people like you, dude. And you shall not move, not another step farther, because I shall protect Arnie, his family, and his adoptive father. I need now here as this spell is cast and set, how Arnie has wronged you, Arno, a sal, forget! It's like he was waiting to exhale. What's going on? Nothing. Nothing.

Guess what, us? Hello, how's it going? Well, I haven't seen you in years. Yes, It's good to see you again, old friend. I hope you understand. I'm doing very well in my feet pursuit. Yes, how many do you have now? Five. Oh, wonderful.

Hey, hey, you know what? I've always wanted to meet you. My name is Arnold Nique. No. A pleasure to meet you. No, no, Nique. Why, if you completed 10 feet, well, you could shorten your name even more than my.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, I'll be on my way. Hey, tell you what, go ahead, my horse is trying to prune back. Go ahead and use them, because I know that's no trouble for you. The horse? Yeah.

I could use him. Yeah, go ahead. OK. Because I know, okay cuz I know well I know you're on your balls I said on my balls what what wait how oh where are my balls happened to my balls what have you done I blame you I'm going to kill you Arnold, me camp! Damn it! I really, really thought I solved this. Yeah!

Guys, I felt like we were back. As soon as I retrieve my testicles, I'll have my revenge! Give me half a year! Oh, in half a year! No if ands or buts! I will avenge the taking of my nuts! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

I am so, so sorry. I think that went great. I am so sorry, Arnie. I mean, at least he didn't go after any of my loved ones. Yeah, true, but it's just kind of out of the frying pan and into the fire, you know. Plus, we never taught him how to read! Yeah, I know! And you know what?

He wouldn't have to go all the way to earth to find people I love because there are a lot of people that I love here, yourself. I love myself. Self love is important. Yeah, it is important. It's not selfish. Yeah. I have a question about self love.

Does the pandemic on how does it track my steps? Just I just listen. Uh-oh Just seems like a common question the person might have they had some sort of step tracking device. I don't know There's a unicorn in the front row that knows exactly what I'm talking about Well already I'm sorry that this happens to you again, but know that we have your back and we love you too. You and no way had my back during that. I couldn't think of a rhyme.

It was a rhyme battle. If it was a limmeric battle, hell yeah, but rhymes. That's right. Tell me one of your limmeras. You put me in the spot. I won't sing a song. I got both my nuts and my dong. Now say a lemuric.

I know. Your shirt's out of place. It has your own face. I'm the badger who says Bing Bong. Woo, woo, woo. That's a lemuric. Yousador, thanks so much for saving my loved ones from our northern. It was my pleasure, Arnold, for I did fear that when he would travel to Earth and realize

that you have no adoptive father there, he would return to food and then try to kill me. Well, thanks for bringing me back. I know you brought me to existence once and then you just brought me back again and I'm awful grateful. Yes, of course. Would you like to maybe go somewhere and get some breakfast? Yeah, maybe we could like, you know, get some hashed spice potatoes, put some hasa on them. I would like that.

I don't want to get in the way, but you brought me to life also today. Really so. Do you want to come along? I mean, right? Yeah. Yeah. Well, thanks so much for being here with me every week. You're my family here on phone.

And, Pannon Amacon, I'm excited that when I talk to you, I can look you in the face. And it reminds me of an old morally ambiguous friend spin-taxed grain. And I'm just excited that you're sort of reuniting with Yousador. Yeah, thanks for this opportunity. I was planning on being a lot more of a real bitch about things, but you know, he kind of softened my heart. Yeah, that's great. Yeah. And you know what, I don't do this enough, but before we end the podcast, I wanna thank everybody in the Vermilion Minotaur for putting up with us every week. Yeah.

Yeah. And I know you all have busy lives with your own adventures in Foon, but thanks for coming back, and you're always welcome. And thank you from Hello from Magic Tavern. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for coming back, and you're always welcome. And thank you from Hello from Magic Tavern. And as we fade out on an audience wondering if they've entered the realm of diminishing returns,

let's remember that none of that really happened. I mean, a podcast festival? Sounds like an impossible Kobayashi Maru scenario for marketing students. Anyway, Usador the Lighter Blue was played by Matt Young, and once I finished my combustion engine powered by interrupting Matt maybe the savior of us all. Shant the King of the Badgers was played by Adel Rafa. Here's a drinking game for you. Do a shot every time Adel commits. now enjoy your new life of sobriety.

Pandanamakon, the spin-tax book given consciousness then turned real or whatever we came up with in place of having a showbible, was played by Charlie McCracken. The Kienok was played by Holly Lawrence. Holly and Charlie both perform every week with the improv group The Reckoning at iOS in LA, where support and exploration are more important than laughter. Our nor the warrior was played by Blaine Swim. Blaine is the founder of the Improvized Shakespeare Company, which performs all over the place, including big cities like Manhattan

and LA, when the very best members of the group are showcased, while the lesser, flawed members are left behind, like the little cowl girl doll in Toy Story 2, while the theme music for lesbianism plays in the background. Learn more about Improvised Shakespeare by going to Improvised Shakespeare.com. Keep an eye out for Brendan Dowling's medieval recipe of the week. I'm still reheating last week's Frosted Eel. Special thanks to the other podcast hosts who wrote and performed pieces for the show, Aaron Menke from Lore, as well as Linda Holmes, Steven Thompson, and Glenn Weldon from NPR's

Pop Culture Happy Hour. I'd say more of that NPR, but I can't imagine them being around for long under the next administration. Greg, bring us home, and by that I mean, do the part of this that no longer interests me. Ah, hello from the Magic Taffer. I was produced by Arnini Camp,

Evan Jacoba, and Ryan D. George, this one edited by Garrett Schultz, music by Andy Poland, logo by Albert LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistants by Garrett Schultz. You guys have heard it all before. Visit us at alofromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks so much to the now here this festival for having us. Thanks to the Chicago Podcast co-op, thanks to Midrull, and hey, thanks to Ear Wolf.

Don't forget about our next live show coming up in Chicago, November 19th, with special guest Scott Asset from 30 Rock, and many other awesome things. You can go to ChicagoPodcastfestival.org for more details and to get tickets for that. Seriously, we had to kidnap Scott Asset and like condition him up here in the space station to convince him to do this,

so make it worth our while. Go see the show. Oh, did I feed him today? Oh, I don't know if I should, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. Uh, bye. Do them for my teeth.