Hello From The Magic Tavern - 90 - Dwarf (w/ Jon Gabrus)

Episode Date: December 5, 2016

Let's have a few drinks and talk about the adventures of the dwarf, Lager Brewerhead.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungLager Brewerhead: Jon GabrusMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Attention! The following podcast may seem like an unlikely recording transmitted from a distant magical dimension, but it's just three poster children for chronic Peter Pan syndrome in a recording studio here on Earth, along with whatever guests they've begged to lower their standards for an hour, in exchange for the coveted FUN Bump. Enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arnanie Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this was going on.

About a year and a half and some change ago I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon, and I'm joined as always by my buddies, my good friends, my boon companions, Chuck the King of the Badgers. Bingbong. How you doing bud?

You know what I'm doing okay just okay Just okay, I feel like you know I am a sheep shifter you are a shape shifter and we don't talk about that much anymore Yeah, well I haven't shifted shape and you have not shifted shape. It's been a it's been a dry spell I think some I think a wizard could put a spell on me a tricep You think oh there's bells and food where know, if they are cast upon you, your sexual fluids dry up and you are unable to, I'm sorry. So, oh, so you have a dry spell.

I have a dry spell. Can I be counteracted with a wet spell? What? That sounds so gross. Coming from your mouth, that sounds so gross. Wet spell. No, I don't see it like that. Hey, anybody out there?

Clip this piece of audio out? Mega ringtone. I said I'm, I said't see it like that. Hey, anybody out there clipped this piece of audio out? Mega ringtone. I said I'm spelt. I said I'm doing okay, and you really turned this around to Make it about you. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Well, I'm sorry. So are you Is it that you you want to get a little action and you just can't it's not even that it's that I've throughout my life I've Shipped it, shaved so many times chipped it, shaved that I purposely said that That I feel like I don't have a sense of identity. So I'm trying to find out what's, what's chun?

Like when people see me like classic chun, like do I put like a cool behind my ear or put like a thistle in my mouth? Or like, you know, walk a certain way. The eternal question. Yeah. Yeah, what's chun? You know, a chun.

The answer isn't gonna be some adornment that you put on yourself. Sure it is. Like who you, you gotta find yourself inside yourself. But you have your thing, lazy Arnie, that's what everyone says. Lazy, you know, the big guy that sits there, old big no movie, they call you big no movie.

Big no movie? Yeah. Cause you don't move at all. I move. I walk, I walk around, I walked over to the bar before and back I feel like you just you lay down on the ground from your chair and roll to the bar I did grab your drink and roll back usually crushing your drink underneath you. That's a heart. It is hard I'm you have so many cuts you have I have yeah, well, but it's better than walking. You're gonna get ging green

It's true. I'm also joined by my other co-host, Yusidor. I am Yusidor, a wizard of the twelfth rail of a fecesiest master of light and shadow. Minipulator of magical delights, the valor of chaos, trepion of the great holes of Tirokus. The elves know me as fying, y'all. Thank you.

The dwarves know me as Zonin and Hugs Stangies, and I am known in the North East as gasmwayneous meh star. Oh, and you believe me when I say this, that some of the names that I have that are so hidden, so private, so secreted that I dare not utter them aloud, shall ne'er escape my lips for if they did, they would raise entire towns and set children's hair aflame Yeah, she tells us okay, you know, I had the piercings. You know, I had that my dark magic phase Yeah, I just don't know what sent to me apart. Are you having like a a mid-life crisis?

Like how old are you along the spectrum of how long your life should be? I'd say about midway about midway. Yeah seems right. Yeah Do I talk to you? There's well it you can't really tell how you are in in food and in food it's hard to gauge your age so what you have to do is everyone goes up this mountain top and on the top of the spot and there's this air this hair rabbit and they call him oh hair and he'll let you know how old you are and oh hair set us about midway through my mind wow I just say wow what a regionally specific thing. What do you mean? You know, just that mountain must be very regionally specific.

I feel like that mountain gets a lot of traffic. Yeah. Probably, probably one of the biggest mountains in Fune. Yeah. You could also cut him open and count his rings. Yeah, let's not do that. But I have a question. So about your lifespan,

Lincoln, do you have a badger's lifespan because you're a badger or do you have a shape shifter's lifespan? I really don't know. I assume I have the lifespan of whatever I am currently. So I don't know if I want to change into like an elephant or like a tortoise or something. Yeah, don't be like a sand dollar or something. Maybe a sand dollar. Do those things die? Don't fuck a sand dollar. I feel like if I fuck a sand dollar, I'm stuck. Like there's no- Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Say it. Sintillating. Oh, I have tried to add us. I really tried to make all of those letters. I know. I know. How are you talking about the sex act? Skin tilating. Oh, what? When you fillate skin. You've never skinned. Why? What? You've never skin-sconcelated someone? How do you pinch their skin and then you

uh, orally plush your- Sounds terrible. You've never skin-sculated. Yes, but it's Sounds terrible. The sound it makes. I feel like if you're not skin-sulating then youulating then you're not it's just like a really it sounds a lot of hikis Yeah, I can it can produce a hiki. Okay, or an orgasm. I am so glad that I took this detour before introducing our guest anyway I'm so excited. Oh guys, you know what we haven't had enough dwarves on the show I'm so excited our our guest is Logger brew head and he's a dwarf. Yeah, yeah, that's correct. I'm a dwarf May I get you an ail or a meat or I'll take a you know, I'll do a

Well do a ten and ten, you know, I'll take a meat with a ale floater Mead with an ale floater, please Christ Kill me. Oh, you know Christ No, yeah. Oh, Christ. My legs are killing me. Oh, you know Christ? No. Who's Christ? Christ.

Christ. Christ is my hell of a dumper of a wife. And she was... That's her wife? Yeah, my wife's the... Oh, why do you know someone named Christ as well? No, I just know the woman Christ. Oh, yeah.

Christ is my wife. She wanted to be ex-wife if all goes according to plan, but... I can't get out of... I'm from underneath her, literally and figuratively. She fucking rode me like a tired mountain goat yesterday. A storm's ride goats. Oh wow. That makes sense there, closer to the ground. You seem to perk up when you heard Christ.

What's is Christ on, is there someone named Christ on her? Well, there was someone named Christ on earth. It's a real long. It's a real long story I don't know if I want to talk about earth religious earth stuff, okay, but I'm I'm very excited I was saying you all know Christ is that because her scroll made it around here that drawing someone made of it Oh, yeah, they're very lured drawing. Oh, yeah, it's borderline clinical. Oh, oh my yes I do believe I saw this picture and I immediately destroyed it on your behalf. Why are you, but why are you so anti-Christ?

Ah, you would be anti-Christ too if you had to deal with this woman I tell you. She is an insatiable beast of the most brutal degree. Uh-huh. She's usually pretty cross. She is cross and, uh, look, I'll fuck her once. She'll pass out three days later. She comes back, and she's looking to fuck again. Wow. Three days!

My promise put his whole hand inside of me. Look, I know that. You're Frank Thomas? Frank Thomas. Oh, that'd be a big hurt for that hand of me inside of me. Oh, yeah. Three days. I mean, I'm married, and I for that hand of you inside of your head. Oh, yeah. Three days. I mean, I'm married and I know that it's crazy to have sex every three days.

Two, two frequent. I would, she would make me have sex more if she didn't die temporarily upon every climax. So what's everybody's name here? Oh, I'm Arnie. All right, Arnie, love it. I'm a human, I'm from another dimension, but it's not all you know about me. I'm boring. Sure.

I'm Chant. I'm a shape shifter. Try to find my thing. All right. What's up, Chantin? I am Zoonan and who's Stangies to your people. Ah, yes. Zoonan and Blue Wizard.

That's right. Well, that's right. The dwarfs know you as Zoonan and who? Stangies. Who's Stangies? It's who Stangies. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Finally, someone's listening.

Well, it rolls off the door of the tongue a little easier, you know? Sure. So longer, what do you do? Like, what do you have like a dwarf job? Well, I have a dwarf lineage. My father's father before him and my father's father before his father are all Elbrewers of the highest degree and

saw names Brewhead. Yeah. We are of the Brewhead clan from Mount Brewhead. Mount Brewhead. Where the where the Ember yeast flows and the hops are barley as we like to see hops are barley. The hops are barley, the barley's hops, get it well, it's hops is what we say. And Mambrugat is also known for its, it has ice formulations that are very natural, very natural ice. Yeah, we have natural ice formations. And you can tell when it's time that when the ice is cold, because it turns blue.

Wow. Yeah. So when the ice is blue is when you better start drinking, baby. Absolutely. It's cold activated. And we, of course, give beer to babies. Oh, not going to babies. Wait, is that safe? Oh, no, that's why so many babies die. They become alcoholics or liver fail and they die. So much child. It's how we wean out the weak ones

in our clan is just a right sip up baby, you know. To be fair though, a pint of ale or a pitcher of lager is way less alcoholic than a dwarven woman's breast milk. Oh really? Yeah. You don't want to bring, you know, like they say, breastfeed a dwarf, you best not be driving away again later that day. Yeah. That's very true. That's a good say. It is a good say. It's Mowley and Warty and I almost always forget it. But milk from a start woman. So then what brings you a hog's face? Well, it's,'m an adventurer, a questie of sorts, and I haven't yet a questie.

A questie, yes. Have you been a quester? I was a quester for a brief period of time, and when I was in Duof School, and I was just sort of dabbling with questing. Have you ever been in a quest room? Unfortunately, no, I'm more of a good questrian, as I've previously stated.

Horses are too too high and scare me But of course, so I came to the Vermillion Minotaur is this the name of this hole? Yeah, yes, exactly. Yes, and I've had thank you for calling it a hole You're quite welcome. I've noticed it's a hole and I enjoy that about it So I came here to taste some of the finer adventures in life You know see if there's any damsels that need saving, any Armories that need recovering, treasure that needs some

Pilfering, awesome! Ale that needs to be drunk. Then you are in luck by Fred. Oh, for Lager hear me now. I need you to join my quest. I propose that we all work together to defeat the Dark Lord of Foon. I, we shall ride against his stronghold. You upon your goat and me upon Grimhuf, the fifth fastest horse and Foon, and we shall have our blades and our axes raised high above our heads as we fold down upon him bringing hell and fire and destruction Will you join me What was was the last part? I was just wondering if you wanted to maybe join my quest to defeat the dog

We just picked up a barrel with one hand and drink it Oh, yeah, dwarves are surprisingly strong for our size, much like bugs. Yeah, you're like an ant, you're able to lift a barrel. It's like five times your size. I am like an ant, I was drinking some wine of the white variety this weekend. Just like my ant.

When do you wanna leave on this quest tomorrow? Yeah, you're welcome. Is that okay for you? Yeah, do you wanna for you tomorrow tomorrow. Yeah, let's go tomorrow building up to this quest for a long time I know let's try to get it on the road. It's only a day away. We want to do five or six hours after sunrise Yeah, that sounds good to me. Yes. Yes. I Takes me well. I mean, I'm moving my foot down in my calendar Five or six hours after sunrise. What do I have anything going on? No, you don't.

Each square just says sit and drink. All right, well, I can scratch out, sitting and drinking. Well, you do that. Lager, I don't want to be presumptuous, because when you do that, you make a pre-ed resume. Are you someone who fights with an axe? Is that... Yes, I use an axe in one hand and a drinking skin in the other.

Oh, and... I like my action on fire, but pre-battle, and then I feel free to breathe spirits over my axe, mid-battle for show, and sometimes just to really catch an Orch or a goblin aflame and lighten that smell. So, that's amazing. Double-edged, and then you also made like a homemade flamethrower oh yes it is but the weapon that ends up throwing flames so I guess that is what you would say homemade flames or we they used to call me the pyro mancer of la Bruhead mountain and I and it made sense and I but upon getting my you know upon people learning more about me I got my second nickname which was boot and rally

Who didn't rally I've been known for being passed out drunk waking up vomiting and continuing to both drink and battle I know your brother Pukin rally Pukin rally is my brother They named me boot and rally because the first time I puked it was on my own boots and I didn't know and I tracked it all through my cave and fucking Christ, my almighty was all over me, baby. She was pissed. Well, maybe my new thing will be that I give everyone a nickname because because of your,

the way you're shaped, which is like a cannonball. Maybe I'll call you Fireball. Is that cool? I love it. I love it. The young people will eat that up. I feel like. Finally, I can The young people will eat that up. I feel like Finally, I can have a little attraction with the youngins. Youngins don't drink the meat as much as they used to they prefer the strength of their mother's Teet smell. Oh, yeah, yes. I have you ever had I like to I like to imagine you just seeing a child still like nursing being like

Week this young generation. In the dwarven culture, we nurse up until 50th year. Until you're 50th year? Yes, oh my cow. Yes, it's awkward at times, because we often get married at 30. And then for the next 20 years, you a woman is forced to watch your husband

suckle at her mother's teeth. No, that's skin-fulating. Oh my God, I overheard that. Whatever, bullshit you guys were doing, I'm sorry, gochit, you guys were doing upon arrival. And it is truly that skin-ful-ating, I guess. Literally, yeah. Except instead of a fold of skin, it's a dwoven nipple, which is, you know, like iron. What?

Like, higher? Oh, a dwoven woman's nipple can cut glass and it's not an expression. Oh, a 12-in-woman's nipple can cut glass, and it's not an expression. Oh, boy. They're very strong and sturdy species. They live under the mountains, carving away mining precious gems and minerals. So naturally, they, er, have over time, developed certain qualities that assist them in this lifestyle. And when a woman is desperate and alone, she's a super hard nipples to keep on minding.

Well, I'm so excited to learn more about Dwarven culture, but let's take a quick break, let's refresh our drinks. Good idea. Yeah, logger drink, everybody's drinks, sorry, I'm parched from a day of adventuring. Well, we'll learn a lot more about that, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back. So longer Brewerhead, I wanna learn more about like what it's like on Brewerhead Mountain. Oh, it's the use, you know, as we say, in dwarven culture, it's, we are mining for gems.

Yeah, of course, using our wives, nipples and the tips of our stone-like penises to Oh, I mean you got that going for the guys Oh, you have to if you want a dwarven woman to ride you you need to have quite the stone in there as we say That's what he says got stones. He's got two large stone penises Is the right I heard that a dwarven penis is like as hard as coal and then when the pressure is on that turns into like diamond heart. Oh yeah. A woman, a dwarven woman's downstairs area as we say can really turn, can really turn something into as hard as a diamond.

Well, now that I hear kind of how dangerous seeming your penis is I kind of get the whole three day thing. Right. It is a true violence of the highest form when two dwarves get together. It's like two boulders smashing each other. It's been called tectonic by people. So was it weird growing up like getting into the family business? Well, from a lot of dwarves, there's us, you know, some people are blacksmiths in their family. Some people are goat hoofers, if you will, naming goat hoofs.

And then I mean goat shoes. I got guys who make simulated goat hoofs as well, because a lot of people like to just do little goat prints around outside the house and say like, I think the goat is loose and it's a prank that we play. There's a whole industry around that prank. In dwarven culture, there's a lot of what was called costume play. Oh.

Yeah, we dress. Yeah, because we're little, a lot of people find it comical for us to dress up as other little things. Like, I was, I was a sunflower for nine years running as part of what we call costume play day. Custume play day. He should shorten it to like, tomb play. should shorten that to like tomb play tomb play Sometimes dwarves dress up with stilts and like I'm a human and then sometimes I

I will have gone to my dwarven friends and I've put a Listen to this I've put a little pair of shoes in front of my needs Hmm, and then I sit on my knees and I act like I'm very short like a dwarf and my robes hide the back part of my legs. It works good. He comes over, he does some fishing like that, he does some golf and like that. That's right. Do you worry about...

Jorfgo's fishing is the funniest thing. You should see dwarf on golf. Yeah. Oh, I've never seen that. And Kevin Dwarf is one of my favorite characters he plays, Kevin Dwarf. I don't also around this time of year. I don't know what it is, something in the air, or I don't know if it's Phyramon's,

but the sexiest fucking cats come out out to play. Oh, really? Just from the woods like these sexy cats. Like sexy cats. Cats who walk on two legs and they're just like, given babs. Maybe you should have sex with a sexy cat. Let's see.

If I ever get a wet penis again You're gonna a wet spell is gonna go long you fall under a dry spell Yeah, some I don't know if it's blorth the brown or or someone gave me a gentle leave you a cast of what that dries up I mean my eyes No now that you cannot resist the power of you Sadoa. Why do you try to get him wet with your voice? 10 GraphQL. Oh, no. Oh, I'm fine. Oh, fuck.

Oh, you too? Oh, something happened. Oh, I'm fine. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get him in there. Come on, brothers. Oh, brother. I never thought it would happen, but I'm glad it did happen. Good God.

I'll say this one out. So, as always, here's nine pieces of ivory. Oh, no. Not sure if you knew this about 12, So now so as always here's nine pieces of ivory Not sure if you knew this about to us, but we are such a hard-earned culture. We come Lisedive valuable very valuable I would let it cool off a little bit before you grabbed any of it Don't let Christ find out about this crisis very against what I just will now that you're off Adventuring all the time. I you ever get back to the mountain to continue brewing and mining?

I get back every once in a while. As I've gotten a little older and age, I no longer need to do the mining. I leave that to the women and the children. And I'll just get up there and get in the brew house and start fucking around back there. Hops barley, a little bit of this, a little dash of this, you know, and I kind of want to say any of my secret ingredients but we're working up some guffness wine. Okay, so there's this little town called India and they have some of the most pale hops you could ever find, but their bitterness is through the roof. We're calling it I be use at this point.

Oh, it sounds wonderful. I can't wait to partake of it myself. Oh, you'll get the first batch, senor jeez. Yeah, sorry, I'm starting to get a little bit in the drink. Exactly, is your dwarven. Sonan and who extends cheese. Who extends cheese? Speaking of heavy head anymore Zen or G's? I haven't recently. Yeah. I find that the inner piece that comes from the Zen mindset amixed with coupling with multiple partners at the same time

is a difficult balance to achieve. Yeah, it goes against everything crisis. I would never be allowed to do that. So longer, I'm excited to hear more about some of your adventures that you've been on. Oh, yeah, but of course, have I told you the time I outwitted and out-battleed a goblin grade? No, we just, we haven't heard it at all. Oh, okay, well, maybe someone else was telling it around.

I know my wife's labias were here on display for everyone, so I thought maybe you are a historian too, about her husband, but nope. Apparently we know everyone's focus lies. So the goblin brigade had surrounded the gestures head tavern. And I was inside the gestures head tavern and they had some of the finest honey Dale that I didn't ever had. So I had two or three barrels went up to my room and about four days later came down and the goblins

had moved on. The women and children had been brutally murdered by the goblins. But I escaped unscathed like Laga Brueh had only kept. Wow. Okay. That's a quite the adventure. What in the wrong tail? Can't you have another, another, maybe another?

Ah, yes, I was accompanying some merchants on a ride across the Valley of Steam, you know, the Valley of Steam. The Valley of Steam is terrifying. It's very terrifying. I don't know if you like some of the best games happening, Steam. Oh, really? There's a lot of gameplay in the Valley of Steam. Oh, yes.

Across many platforms, you can play over here on this game You can play on that platform. It's a delight. Oh wow, but there's a risk But of course, so we're traveling some merchants these merchants of course are bringing blast powder with them and I'm of course on nine or ten Tenth bottle of wine at this one. I'm trying out a barley wine if you will. It's a high we're calling it a high Octane barley wine. It's up. Yeah, it's quite delicious. It's quite delicious. It's quite expensive and I think we're gonna really corner the white human market with those drinks and so we're dry. I'm

Three sheets to the wind. I'm nine boots to the storm as they say and I'm fall asleep at the rains and drift off the road, wagon full of glass powder. Slide all the way down, pass out, fall out of the wagon completely. The wagon continues on, lands in the middle of a campfire surrounded by brigands and bandits blows up kills all the brigands and bandits and I got a 5,000 gold piece for a warrant. I woke up the next morning to the sheriff anointing me as a crusader and hero of the steam valley. How did you avoid getting a CUI at Carding Under the Influos? Well it turns out once you have been considered a crusader of the day down in the valley of steam you are allowed to absolve one crime

Yeah, so that was the time I out I wiped out an entire brigand of bandits. It was quite a delight very impressive Very present. Can you pardon me for when I need to talk to our own? It seems like he's mostly drunk. I think so, too. It's lucky a lot of the time. A lot of just like... Drunken luck. Who's that all going? Oh, no.

Oh, my God. Glad it comes right out. Lager, I know we were talking about leaving at five or six after sunrise tomorrow, but uh, uh, something's come up and I'm afraid that, uh, I'm afraid that we'll have to delay the quest for a short time. But I'll be. Well, you might need me to have for like a late breakfast in early lunch. Oh, that's wonderful. Yeah, yeah. That's good. You know what we, but, oh, God. Good God. I'm sorry. Holy shit. I had a big,

bareless fish heads on the cart right over so I apologize I wanted to give the bodies to the other people because you know dwarven taste buds are hot garbage They usually get fit fish heads from mr. Mento. Oh really? Yeah, is he I I've met Mr. Minto, isn't he like a medicine man? Yeah, he's considered a doctor in parts. Yeah. Ah, yes. I know. I know who you speak of. So, took me a second there. It must be the drink and not the complicated. And the nomenclature. Yeah, what we were saying was very straightforward. So, longer, maybe you should consider, you know, I think the best thing you could do for our quest would be to go and camp out

At the smoldering widow. I think the best thing to do for our questions for you if I could go to the small Well you say I How do you feel about this huh? What is fucking stone cock? Yeah, you did that off the table. Oh, he lit his cock on fire. I don't know. It doesn't hurt at all. I feel that. Put it out.

Put it out. All right. Please, please. Oh, it smells like burned hair. Thank you, Laga. Thank you, Laga. For calming down, Arnold says stupid and cruel things all the time.

You must forgive him. He's not of our world. I'm sorry. I'm a little wound up from adventuring. And, you know, I've got, I'm all hopped up on fish heads. It smells like someone blew up the ocean in here. Oh, God. The ocean, someday I'll see you, you filthy beast.

You'll never see the ocean. You'll never see the ocean. Dwarves are not one for water. Except, you know, we bathe, but we bathe in a shardonnay blend. Oh, lovely. Yes, we use the white grapes that don't make it into the annual varietal, and that's what we use for a quick bath. Little dab under the arms and a little slap on the old stone

pernium down there, and you're ready to rock. A little dwarves bath. Little dwarves bath. We don't like that term. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry let him fire again. Oh, fuck, that was an accident that time.

Oh shit, no, fuck. But you know what, you know what I've noticed, whenever he gets really drunk, he lights his dick on fire, and it kind of sobers him up for a minute, which I suppose it would. Yeah, it really does bring you, it's a good way to get you back down the earth pretty fast.

You know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna take this little action. Yeah, I'm just gonna move it way over here. Wait, wait, wait, wait. He said it's a good way to bring it back down there. Earth. Do you know about Earth? Oh, I mean the land the Earth beneath our feet. Oh, of course, I'm saying. Yeah, but of course, yes, listen to this for a moment. You know how the ground we call Earth. Yes, they named their whole

planet Earth. What is it, Dut? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. You fucking do very hard. No no no no no. Sorry sorry sorry sorry. So Lager Brewer had thank you so much for joining us. I know you're sort of,

I don't know if you're gonna remember me talking to you at this point. Oh I'll remember you fucking be gay. Well, that was easy. Oh remember you fucking He's just turns badly you got my back. I have you hold back What do you mean by that I have your back like you'll help fight logger for me? Oh Okay, hey, I'll help too. Oh great. Well now by the human. He's a wizard. Yeah, you're just like a depressed badger But honestly, this guy is three fluids to the wind Do you have that expression under three three fluids to the wind? Yeah, what does that mean?

Just means he's drunk. Oh, okay. Why why three fluids? What? Never mind. You try and be a big man trying to be an alpha king. He's just three fluids. No, don't hey. Don't logger me. Okay Anyway, hey No, no, sorry I was out for a minute. Oh, it's alright, what? No, no. Sorry. You're gonna say I was out for a minute. Oh, it's alright. Just. Don't, don't follow the same thing.

How was his dick on fire again? What is going on? That's, uh, that's a way to help a dwarf go to sleep as well. Oh, wow. Uh, I go through a lot of liquor. Alright, sorry. Do your thing, Arnie. Oh, you fucking tall piece of shit.

He has a tall piece of shit. I never thought about it. Uh, try to, if you got any emails this week. Yes. Oh, he's fucking all pieces shit. He has a tall piece of shit. I never thought about it. Uh, Choney, have you got any emails this week? Yes. This is, uh, from Ginny Hogland. Uh, this is to chun a Gmail.com that's chun with 6Ts. Hi chun, since a Pananomicon contains the knowledge of Spintax, would it be able to finish telling you how to change shape at will?

As you have now officially joined Yusudor's quest, being able to shape shift at will would be useful for your adventures. Best wishes, Ginny from Seattle. I suppose it might. Yes, we should check. Yeah, although I haven't seen it since we brought it to life. Yeah. Like the Pandanama kind of like ran off into a mechanical chain forest and I haven't.

I haven't shown it. I haven't shown it might be way more exciting if I could just change it will. Yes, I agree. Absolutely. I agree. We should, you know what? Right after this, let's run Absolutely. I agree. You know what? Right after this, let's run out of the forest. Let's find that book that we turned into a person.

Ask it about how to make you change a wheel and then make that happen. Yeah, you know what? Let's, for once, let's just get on top of solving something. Let's get it done instead of just- Just be proactive. Leaving our half a dozen loose ends just dangling for half a year at a time. Oh, PS, did you find the lunar sword? Not yet. I agree

Laying on the table. I don't know why the fuck you guys are talking about but I agree I don't know so I get the book person I also have an email here from a lot of fishboats Beno says hey, baby. this question goes to all presents. Where's the place you'd most love to be? Yours, Bino Smash. Oh, well, I would love to be back in Chicago with my wife and family. I'd say...

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Wife and family, yeah right! What kind of wife can climb that tall drink of garbage that you are? A better woman than me. Wait, does that make sense? No, she better be.

Longer than mine being. We've heard a lot about your wife, but do you have any children? Oh yeah, Christen, I have four boys, Matthew Mark. Luke and John, Bruhend. They're not in the family business until when they do, they'll be granted their brew names, but for now, that's just MMLJ.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful. Yeah, I miss those little motherfuckers, but, oh, that's a, I don't know about that. That's, I don't know about that. All right, yeah, it's probably best that I know about that. Let's just say sometimes, no, I thought that was gonna get to it. Hey, you know, you can also always email me at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies. That's right. Let's just say sometimes. No, I thought it was gonna get to it. Yeah.

Hey, you know, you can also always email me at Magic Tavern, at puppies that supplies. It's a real email address. I know it doesn't seem like it is. Here's an email I got this week. Is Yusun or the blue a common name? I mean, is there any chance that somebody, okay, never mind. That answers your question, Tom Morrison, from Israel.

He's from Oyer. It's a country. There are so many different countries on Earth. And it's called, is it real? It's called Israel. Oh, it is real. It is real. That's a real place.

Yeah, we gotta give a mad. Come on, don't take that away. Uh, I am so much controversy over this one country. No, no, you know what? Why is everyone fighting over Israel? We're gonna agree over this. Hey, No, you know what? Why is everyone fighting over a real? I'm gonna agree over this. Hey, hey, hey, I believe it's real, okay? But I want to raise a Stein with my pal.

Pal, it's racist, Stein. All right. Me and my pal are going to raise a Stein to Israel. This seems like trouble. And it was a long kiss. Where is it in the end, of course. This might be the episode we get the most emails in response to, so please, any complaints,

send them to Ira Glass at thisamericanlife.com. And of course, if you want to reach Brewer Lager, Lager Brewer, you wanna meet Lager, meet Raghel Brewer, to throw a big' stone down a well at the bottom of Boo Head Mountain. Yeah, there's a little meachin' breach. And don't get a meachin' breach, you know,

a grouchin' boach, baby. Well, logger, really? Well, logger, it's been delight to meet you. No, it's been great to meet you guys here. I was just tanning tan from, well, well, from Varkinsertubis over here, and everybody, Ernie Chanto. I like that, Chanto Chanto, yeah.

That might make my personality pop. Well, Logger, I think I highly advise you go to the Smoldering Widow, which is another tavern in town. Or the Ruffled Feather. Or the Ruffled Feather, if you make sure you share it for us. Oh, and that's where the fucking personify Bug would, right? That's right, exactly, sure. Oh, and that's where the fucking personified book went, right? That's right. Exactly, yes.

I'm trying to keep up with what the only facts I know about this book are police, you know? Oh, Christ. Oh, she's coming. Christ, you said your wife's name a lot. Come, brothers. No, that's your guys' thing. I'll think of this as the episode where we almost took on religion until Arnie panicked. Also none of that really happened.

Usador the Lighter Blue was played by Matt Young. Matt, those moments where you couldn't get a word in, that's how everyone else feels all the time. Shunt the shapeshifter was played by Adel Raffaie. Yeah, saddle, your dry spell is because of a wizard, that's definitely what's going on. Brewer Loggerhead The Dwarf was played by special guest John Gabris. Check out John on his own podcast, High and Mighty with John Gabris.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Evan Jacover, Ryan DeGeorgie, and Arnie Neacamp. This episode edited by Ryan DeGeorgie, audio assistance by Garrett Schultz. Like many Earth Americans, do you think buying things will momentarily distract you from the crushing pain of this world? Well, the special Hello from the Magic Tavern show poster, designed by Kevin Butnick, is finally available on Hello from theTavern.com slash shop. You won't find me on it, and that's why Kevin's not included on my homemade poster of my favorite

poster designers. It's not available anywhere because it's just for me. And there continue to be any number of Magic Tavern shirts for sale at store.irwolf.com. Craig, now that I know Edge Dancer is an all-new Stormlight Archive novella, can I still in good conscience refer to the lower third of my genitalia as Edge Dancer? Oh, don't tell me, tell Edge Dancer. Look at it. Look at it. you