Hello From The Magic Tavern - 91 - Magic Turkey (w/ Scott Adsit, Live from Chicago Podcast Festival)

Episode Date: December 12, 2016

It seems like a good time of year to interview a magical turkey.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungCharles the Turkey: Scott AdsitSpurt the Elder: Andy CareyShan Gammador: Shannon CasonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzLive Photo: John H. AbbotSpecial ThanksThe Chicago Podcast FestivalJonathan PittsTyler GreeneThe Athenaeum TheatreRecording Engineer: Mikel PickettLive Engineer: Andrew DallasBread and RosesYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hey, this is Craig up in the space station. Not in the space station and my house, just my regular house. My regular house, the following podcast is not real, but it is really brought to you by cards against humanity. They've been sponsoring us for so long. I wonder if they set up auto-sponsor and then forgot about it. You know, just in case, don't bring it up to them. Anyway, I think we're about ready to start the show, so take it away.

Attention citizens of Earth! The following podcast is not real, and does not constitute proof of alternate dimensions. No matter how attractive their existence may currently seem. Not only is this not real, but it's being performed live as part of the Chicago Podcast Festival at the historic Athenaeum Theatre across from the historic Golden Apple, serving coffee that many would describe as historic. Now, switch off your deductive reasoning and enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. If you've never heard the podcast before, uh-oh. But it's gonna be okay. I'll be here to guide you through the entire experience. I know what it's like to be a stranger in a strange land. This is pretty much everything you need to know. About a year and eight or nine months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago. And I fell through that

dimensional portal into the magical, fantastical land of food. It's sort of like Narnia or Middle Earth or Predain if you need a deeper cut and I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal through that portal From the Burger King into my computer and I use that to upload a podcast I record every week in the tavern the Vermilion Minotaur where we are now In the town of hogs's face, in the land of Foon. And I am joined as always, Bumma co-host, Mabuddi, Mabun companion, Chunt, the King of the Badgers. Oh Yeah, baby Hey, how you doing buddy, I'm doing pretty good pretty good you look great good. Oh good. Yeah Do I look different and all or do I look good you there's something about your face? Yeah, you look I

Yeah, somebody said I look like my friend Simmons and other friends say I look like my friend Jean So I don't know. Uh-huh. Yeah, something there's something about my fur today that people are being complimentary about Yeah, I'm gonna ask this. This is an embarrassing question. No, please. That's all you ask so That's true. That's true. Sean, are you wearing makeup? I am. I went down to the riverbed, and I got some water

and just kind of accentuated my fur and put a little makeup in. Got my hair a little wet, put some makeup on, feeling like a real pretty lady. It works. It works for you. Oh, thank you so much, thank you. So how is it being king of the badgers? It's pretty good, it's pretty good.

You know, there's something new I'm doing where I'm trying to be a better listener because I feel like you always ask the same bullshit questions. And you know, spout the same platitudes and I'm trying to be a better listener. So tonight especially I'm going to do that. I'm going to be actively present. I'm not going to just wait. I'm going to listen. And not just listen, but here, because in every conversation, there's really three conversations going on. There's a conversation here. There's a conversation in my brain. There's a conversation in your brain. And sometimes

a fourth conversation, which is used to door muttering to himself. That's true. That is absolutely. So at every conversation going on, there's really four conversations. Yeah. So I'm going to try and be more authentically present, more in the moment, listen to you, give you what you need, and not roll my eyes when you say, you know, what's up, bud? How's it to be king?

What's next? Any of those bullshit, you know? Does that make sense? I want to make sure that you heard me. Yeah, they didn't just listen to that but that you heard me. Yeah, here's my question. Why are we friends again? Uh, come on, you are adorable. That's the thing. I'm sort of realizing like the things a normal friend would say to you and you'd be like, that guy's a dick, he's not my friend anymore. When an adorable talking badger says them, you're just like soft as a blow. I love that badger.

Plus, I mean, you never leave the tavern, so who else are you going to be friends with? That's true. Convenience. Yeah, let's say it's convenient. Yeah. Honestly, whoever sits at this table regularly is going to be my best. Yes, absolutely Absolutely. Yeah speaking of people that are usually sitting at this table Know that once you introduce him the volume in this bar, I know. John, what?

What if we didn't? Not introduce usador? What if we just didn't introduce usador like ever? No one in this tavern would care. He's right behind me. Yes, he's right behind you. All right, I'm also joined by my second favorite Boone companion. Oh, wait, no!

Boone Companion. Oh wait no! He's very sadly dragging his expensive looking crystal wand behind him. I am joined by the most powerful wizard in Foon, Yucidor, the lighter blue. Wizard of the 12th realm of Hzeus, Master of Light and Shadow, Minipulator of Magical the Lights, Devaluor of Chaos, to be an acclaimed hall of the prophets, and to be seen in hell of the dead, the ghost of the ascetic, and I am known in the Northeast as guest-winningest maize style. It's got a real rocky horror vibe in the tavern, too. And that may be other secret. What it means is there are a lot of virgins in the tavern tonight.

What's a vibe do I have? There's a sort of a rocky horror vibe. I also used to, I love love we should do this more often We should have you travel across all the different microphones Like doing part of your name and one microphone part of it in another so people who listen to podcasts like at home in surround sound It's like you're you're you're a helicopter circling. All of your magical microphone devices surely captured my voice in the same way. Do they not?

Yeah, I don't want to talk about our stuff. Well, I'm sorry if I'm doing it wrong. You know, there's a rocky here in Foon. Have you told you about rocky? No. OK. Well, he's this weird guy who lives up on top of a hill You know there's a rocky here in Foon. Have you told you about rocky? No. Okay. Well he's this weird guy who lives up on top of a hill and anytime wizards fight, he comes running down

and he wants to see wizards fighting and he yells and fucking and sucking. He's a real weird dude, but he does, that's what he does. Oh wow. I don't think it's weird. If you see two wizards fighting, what do you want to see them do next? Think about it.

So you see a wizard fight and you're like, this fight's exciting, but I want to see some fucking insect. Yes, yes, you see two wizards fighting you think, what an amazing spectacle of magical power. How incredible that they use the very forces of nature to control the air and the wind and the earth beneath them. But what if one of them sucked the other one off? That would be something. Well, just looking around the tavern tonight, I know there's at least one ten-year-old that wants to know more about that. It's a tavern. It's not a place for children.

Is it tavern? I can't help what the people want. Well, I would be happy to just engage in a wizard fight, like normal. But last time I'm with an ice spell, shatter their arm off since it's all ice now. Watch it grow back due to the powers of nature. Set their face aflame. You know stuff like that. And then, uh, and then sometimes I kick him when they're down.

Oh, of course. Yeah. It's not typical wizard battle fight, but I like to get in there, get messy. Do any wizards fight fair? No, not a single one. We're all fight dirty. Lots of hair pulling.

It looks like someone pulled your... I don't know what you're talking about. It looks like someone pulled your mustache mostly. No, I've got a real rough right now. I think you're wrong. Your mustache looks like, like, orthodontial headgear right now. I know that doesn't mean anything to you, and I will not answer any follow-up questions about it.

How are you doing, Arnie? I feel like we don't ask that enough. How are you doing? I'm doing okay. You know, I'm feeling good that I'm newly motivated to join Yusidor's quest to defeat the door. Yes, now that Yusidor has honoured and chanted, joining his quest, I've set out to find new information that will help us defeat the Dark Lord. I this very week I did spend time in gratax, looking through ancient scrolls and texts, looking for bits of information that may give us an upper hand against that evil tyrant. Is there something we could do that's like some sort of like, you know, go back in time and defeat the dark lord like some sort of work back in time? We could try to do the time warp again I suppose, yes. Yeah, what that word?

Let's do the time warp again. Is there like I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, let me just take, I just need to take a step to my left. Yeah. Oh, I'm gonna take a step to my right. You put your hands on your hips. Yeah. Just like that. No, we're saying a lot of times you put your hands

on your hips. Oh, I do, yeah. And also bring it in tight. What? What does that mean? I mean, I bring that tight. This is the way I'm saying to say. People are always like, oh, that Arnie,

he's always just bringing it in tight. Nobody says that. I I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do.

I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do.

I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I'm just like, I do. I cosplay ghost of yourself right now. You look like the grudge. Two, the grudge two goes to a child Halloween dress-up party. Oh, I was just numbering you. Also, you're a good friend.

You're a good friend. You're a good friend. Enough of this riff, Raf. Do we have a guest? Yeah, I'm so excited to talk to our guest. I'm so lucky to be joined by Charles the Magic Turkey. Good evening. Hey Charles, I'm always excited to talk to talking animals. Well, I'm excited to be a talking animal myself. I love birds. Could I sit farther away from him?

Yeah, you, Sonora, could you move over? Sure. He's been staring at me since I arrived. I don't mean to be forward or rude. Are you red-breasted? Well, I'll just let me take my vest off. Oh, you don't need to check. I just saw your... Oh, yes, you are. Wow. That's stunning. Wow, that is stunning. Thank you. Well, it'll just let me take my vest off. Oh, you don't need to check. I just saw your oh, yes, you are Wow

That's stunning. Wow, that is stunning. Well, it's in it's inherited. Okay. It's hereditary. Oh wow So I take no credit for it. Sure. Yeah, that is beautiful plumage. I mean, good. Oh, yeah Sean are you are you looking to become a turkey? No, I mean I Mean, you know, what happens happens, you know, but, no, I just, I just wanted to be complimentary, I'm trying to be, again, more authentically present, and I feel like you were just in a very attractive... What I respect you if you wanted to, if you identified as a Turkey, I would understand that.

Oh, thank you. Well, I could identify as a Turkey. You don't need to be in transition right now. Yeah. Between Badger and I'm thinking skunk. A lot of people say that. A lot of people say that. You'd be surprised how hard it is to look like a Badger. A lot of times people are just like, you know, oh, you should look like a Badger. It's like, have you tried this? Like, just be a Badger. You are a Badger. Be a Badger. That's how people will know

you're a Badger. If you're just yourself. That's how I feel. I'm like, I'm just gonna be myself. I don't need to be a wizard or a badger. I'm gonna be Arnie Neckamp from Chicago, Illinois. And people are gonna fucking love that. I'm keeping it tight. I'm so happy. So it's very sad to be in town.

Yeah, Charles, what brings you to Hogsface? Well, I'm here to bury my father. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear you. Oh, well, thank you very much. Do you mind if I ask? He was killed in a hunting accident. Oh. Well, they say it was an accident, I. Terrible. I think it was murder.

Mm-hmm. Who was he? Well, I wasn't there, but I hear the only thing I've heard so far is that a man ran down for the mountain, shot him, ran in over to him, as he lay dying. He got in his face and said, you're dying! And fucking and sucking for somebody, so he said that as well.

I think it's catching on, I think that phrase is catching on. Yeah. So... So it'll just be... he was... I believe it was murder because he was shot, and then he was prepped and eaten. Oh. So I'm here to bury the bones.

Yeah. And maybe I can talk to you later about reanimating them. I would love to try that. I mean, for the birds are what brought me to life. I, the very conspiracy of air and wind and rain and birds that did say, Fungahthnida champion, I strike forth you sonore, for you shall be our leader and our great savior. So I'd like to help if I can.

Thank you very much. There's a brief period of time where I dabbled slightly in black magic and I hate to bring this up, but it is knowledge I have. So I feel like I should share it with you. There is a way I know to reanimate a dead turkey, but it involves... Yes, this is a no cliché.

You're talking about the wishbone. Yes, you each grab a part of it It's really I'm a turkey. I know all about it. It's if that's insensitive. I'm sorry. It's a bit insensitive Okay, I'm so sorry. We could try burying him in the parents cemetery What's a parent cemetery? Oh you bury your parents in there and they come back But they come back, but they come back changed. So Charles, I've got a question for you. You're a magic turkey.

Yes. In what way are you, like what is your magical ability? Well, I'm talking. Oh, yeah. Very good at it. By the way. Oh, thanks very much. Oh, yeah. Very good at it. By the way. Oh, thank you very much. You're welcome.

I've clearly been here a year and eight or nine months because I just 100% took that for granted. For two years, you've called me a fucking talking badger. And now all of a sudden it's commonplace? Come on, dude. It's true. It's true. I mean, I don't consider myself

magic. Oh I see. I grew up in a talking turkey family. A talking turkey family? It wasn't odd to me. Yeah. So your whole family talked? Yes. And we weren't fancy about it, you know? We didn't hold it over anyone else. Sure. That's bullshit. What's that? I'm sorry. Was that your voice? You said that's bullshit? Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Ignore that. It seemed like another voice came out of your mouth. Someone just said that's bullshit. Guys, guys, guys. Was it me? This is a very important question. Is there ventriloquism in food? No, there's no ventriloquism.

What's what? Nothing at all. Don't worry about it. I'm down here. Who is that? Yeah, that's me, I'm down here. It's sort of coming from his beak, but it seems to be coming a little lower. I'm down the esophagus.

All right. but it seems to be coming a little lower. I'm down the esophagus. I, all right. Yes, I have a duck that is stuffed and living inside of me. LAUGHTER So, you're, so what you're telling us is you want a magic turkey at all, but you're some sort of turduck. No? I would say a turkey. I, I, I definitely would not say that. I'd say if he's part duck, part turkey, he'd say a turkey. I definitely would not say that.

I'd say if he's parked duck, parked turkey, he'd be a turkey. No. I am a turkey with a duck inside. Yeah. That's all. Yeah. Seems like you could say it faster, that's all. You know what?

One of the things I love about Foon is compared to my world is that, you know, it's not fast-paced. Like, you can explain fully what a thing is. You don't have to shorten all the words. Oh, how true that is, Honnold. For if you wish to explain something, here he goes again. Oh, you need to, is use all the words in your vocabulary. So that is explained mostfully, and all to understand what thou has said.

I, A, you use every bit of nuance and capability in your power so that you may take a concept fully laid out before those in front of you and have them fully comprehended. Now I can't see anything out there, but what's ever just spoke has like a dairy queen hat on, right? Yeah. Oh, do you know about the queen of dairy? Oh, what is the queen of dairy in food? Female cow and food who reigns over all the milk production. Oh, wow.

She's got a curly-cute crown. She has a curly-cute crown. She's got a beautiful curly-cute crown. Yes. Wow. All know her. Also, Arnie, just because you sit at this tavern all day and don't do anything, doesn't mean food isn't fast-paced.

There's plenty to do out there, you know. There's hunting. Oh. Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry, Charles. I'm sorry you brought that up. He's a crybaby. He does it to himself.

He wants sympathy. Oh, it's not what is your name. Yeah, duck, what is your name? Um, um, I don't think anybody's ever asked him that. No, I just don't, you know, no one really gets involved because they can't see me and then they, you know, they're not really interested. My name is Puddle Hump.

Puddle Hump? That's a beautiful name. There's, there's gotta be a classic duck name. Classic duck name? Oh, Puddle hump. Yes Guys, I don't know if I'm an outlier, but I fucking love Puddle hump Huh, thanks. Thanks. Who's that? Who's talking? My name is Chunch. You can't see me, but I'm a I'm a badger I'm a I'm a badger. Very good. Oh, thank you, Charles Absolutely, and you can't see me, but I am Yusufador

Wizard of the 12th realm of Ezeus master of light and shadow Minipulator of magical the lights devour of chaos champion of the great halls of Trockus the elves Noomi is fear and yolk the dwarves Noomi is sonan and H no-no-no-the-northeast as Gassamwayneus Maystar, and puddle-ump, beg all you may. There are other secret names that you shall ne'er here escape my lips. Oh, come on, give us one. All right. LAUGHTER CHEERING

The poultry of Foon actually know me as stinkle feather whizzle beard. What do you don't have to tell me? Of course not. Yes. Oh, I also know, and I'll share one, actually speaking of Derrick Wien, the cows know you should or as hoppitude. Hoppitude? Hoppitude, bless your soul.

Yes, that is a true thing. Well, you know what? We try to avoid wizards. Oh, turkeys or... No, no, the two of us. Oh. We've had some bad times with magical people. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, it's not your fault. We grew up in a farm yard and there was a chicken there who had been used as a witch's familiar. Oh wow. And it could steal the soul from someone. And so when the witch died, the chicken maintained that power. And to keep everyone safe. They stuff the chicken inside of me. Oh, so there's a chicken inside of me. And there's a duck inside of me. Oh. Wait.

Puddle hump, you have a chicken stuffed inside of you? Yeah, I got a chicken in me down my throat. And then I'm down here inside Charles. I hate to ask, but can we talk to you, chicken? Uh, all right. Yeah, he's in the hang. It's very tight in here, you know. We can't really move around.

It's not like we're getting the apartment, you know. It's just stuck inside Nassaufagus. Uh, I'll try to, hey, you awake. Mm. That's pretty much all we ever get out of here. Oh, huh. Man, just a whimper. Yeah, he's not in a good way.

He's inside a duck inside a turkey. Turkey, it's a turkey. I'm a turkey. I can't see you. What am I know? It must be hard to go on dates. It must be hard to go on dates. Are you asking me or all three of you? Well, let's let the chicken out.

It seems lonely down there. Oh, he's not happy. I would imagine not if he got really angry he could he could take your soul And swap it with anyone else here Well, then I shall not anger him. That's terrible. I do not want my soul swapped and plus I love birds You're you are really freaking me out. You are three birds Three birds. Three birds. Three birds.

That's a very scary power that that chicken has. But I'm sure we don't have to worry about that. I'm sure this isn't like a check-offs chicken situation. What? Well, I don't want to talk to a to-do list thing. I don't want to talk about earth stuff that I just barely understand. Like there's literally two words about the extent

of my knowledge of that. You've never met a chidurky? Oh, what? A chidurky. This, I mean, it's first time I'm meeting one, but a chidurky, a chicken duck turkey. A chicken duck turkey. A chicken that lives in a duck that lives in a turkey.

Classic. Can't I just be Charles? Yeah. I just want to be Charles. I'm sorry. You're right. That was very rude. No way.

He can't be just Charles because puttle-humps inside of him. Well, now the chicken is getting angry. Oh, no. Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait. You know what? Let's take a moment. Let's try to all sort of settle ourselves,

not let anything that live inside ourselves get angry. Guys, if I know, I'll let you finish. I'm gonna let you finish. I just wanna let you know, I know chickens very well. I used to be a chicken and everyone needs to be a little bit still because if you start to move, it's the pelvic thrust that will drive you insane. I'm insane.

Yeah. Who pelvic thrusted? Let's try to soothe our inner chicken. That's not a euphemism. But we actually need to take a moment and hear from one of our sponsors and we have a new one, so please give a listen to this new sponsor. My name is Shane Gamador, father of the nation of casins, son of Momma and them, and bad-ass mother fucker. I'm from the forgotten land of D12. I'll be

organizing the rally at the outpost of the forgotten land of D12 on the fortnight before the annual blood fest Feel free to stay around for the blood fest always delicious We're organizing a challenge to challenge the challenge another unchallenge in a boat We had to challenge the challenge of the unchallenge of a boat together Last time I tried to organize this, no one showed up, but this time, come on, guys. If we are getting on board with this,

we're more fun to the challenge of a bowl ourselves. And then the former challenge of a bowl will have the challenge just. And that's the way it should be thank you. That's a great new sponsor. How have you been to D-Twell? No. Oh boy, let me think of all the references. There's Grant who lives at the top of the hill.

There's a lot of birds with red wings. Scary banders, listen. He's one of the fastest people in Fune. Wow. Yeah, that's about it. That's about it. It's where the play, Automaton Constable, is set. It's a story of a constable who loses his life. And is brought back to life as a mechanical

automaton. And he doles out justice with engraved seriousness. It's actually a very funny play. People don't pick up on that a lot. Well Charles, I'm still curious to learn more about like, are there more poultry like you? Like, are there other, like, is this a common happenstance? For, I think I'm unique because it's a protection

to keep the chicken from wreaking havoc on everyone's souls. Wow. So there's not like a duck who has like a duck shoved down his throat, who has like a duck shoved down his throat, who has like a goose. Oh, if you know anybody, tell me, I'd love a support group.

Oh, sure. Yeah, you should get together with duck duck goose. Why do you look so fucking pleased with yourself? What are you talking about? Just keep it it tight. So Charles, I don't mean, you know, I don't want to, if this is something you want to talk about, but if not, you know, you're here to bury your father. Yes. Did you have a good relationship with him?

Well, yes, we got along as well as Turkey's do, you know. We just kind of wandered around each other. Petal hump. Petal hump, how did you feel about Charles' father? I only met him once, and I was not happy with him until the chicken changed his soul. The chicken changed his soul? Yeah. He swapped his soul with... it's funny to say, as you'll hear in just a second,

with bowl of soup. Oh, with a bowl of soup. The soul of a bowl of soup. It was a haunted bowl of soup. Do you remember when I was trying to put soup in my butt for a while? Oh yeah, that was weird. That was.

Arnold, isn't your favorite food soup? My favorite food in food is soup. It's possible that you ate Charles's father. Oh. Or at least his soul. Oh, my gosh. I don't mind that at all, but that makes me very upset. Yeah, that would make me upset as well. Do you think perhaps I could try to talk to my father

if he's still inside you? I mean, I have it. It seems crazy, but I have had a lot of soup. Sheriff Kennel and Shane Kara Thang Kai. Chiai Keen Thee. Son. Father. Chi Chi Keen Thee Son Father Son there's so many things I was never able to tell you. Oh give me a few. I think six will be flunty. Don't worry, we'll keep track by counting them. Number one.

I... The head sex with your ant. My pet ant? Yes. He's so tiny. Yes. He's so tiny. Yes. I'm so glad this has Charles' father talking and not Arnold. I'm just listening.

I'm just listening to the soups, though. Arnie shut up. This is Charles' father's time. Yes, I had sex with your pet aunt. I hope it was consensual. It was. Oh, thank you. Thank whoever I would thank here.

You're welcome. Also... Number two. I'm not really your father. What's... You buried the lead on that! You'd look just like me before you were soup? Yes, I know. I'm a trickster turkey.

Do tell. Well, I go from Fomya to Fomya, murdering turkeys, taking their identity, raising their children as my own, and then having sex with their pet. What's that? You still have four more after this. I know. This soup had better speed it up. All right, all right. Soup dad, soup dad, three. Yeah, let's let that one go. I don't really care about number two. Oh, well, also I sold all of your toys.

My toys? Yes. You know what? I'm a real asshole. I wish I had some nice secrets. Tell me about mother. Well, my mother was... Not my mother.

Oh, your mother. Your mother loved you very much. I thought so. And you know what? She's still alive. What? What? Yes. Your mother?

Your mother's before she died, her soul was swapped with a stool. Let me clarify what kind of stool you mean. The kind of stool that would touch your butt. Well, I'm a turkey, so there's pretty much stool on my butt all the time. Sean, what's going on over there? There's a lot going on between this soup and this turkey. No, I just didn't know if I was sitting on this guy's mom. Oh. The two over here are okay. They have no souls in them. Oh yeah, this one's got a soul in it

for sure. Here, here, there you go. Oh, let's hear from the mom. Let's hear a few things from the mom. Mom? Mom? Mom? Hello, mom. Oh, I'm so excited to know you're alive in a way. Oh, son, there are so many things I wish I could have told you. Tell me ten of them, mother. Ten! Ten things! I think ten will be enough. Well, one. I helped murder your father, then I shacked up with a trickster turkey.

I pretended that I was being tricked, but I wasn't. Oh, okay. Also, his mom sounds like a dad dressing up like a woman trying to win his kids' back. Yes. Also, if they're a ten, maybe they should be simpler. All right, let me speed through these. I dyed my feathers. Let me speed through these. I dyed my feathers.

I lied about what I did during the day. You don't need to know what. Also, I did not like the play Farts. You didn't like Farts mother? I did not like the play Farts wow you didn't like thoughts. I did not I did not like maybe you did not like the play for it Maybe you just didn't get it. I know oh I got it It's very subtle thoughts look all right. Maybe I should see thoughts again and give it a chance Imagine if we could actually see thoughts

thoughts again and give it a chance. Imagine if we could actually see thoughts. Imagine if we could. Imagine if we could. Imagine if we could. Imagine if we could. What a world. Imagine if we could. Imagine if we could.

Imagine that. If thoughts were visible and we could see them floating before us. In all their magnificent and horrid glory, our very methane that doth exoent from Nine Anus would take form in a green or brown or blackish state eye in their egg-y and artichoke smells, would be visible to the vine naked eye. And you know, we have another guest that we should check in with. vine, Nick and I. And you know we have another guest

that we should check in with. Yes, yes. Who actually may, he's a poet, and maybe he'll be able to do maybe a poem from the famous play Farts. I'd love to learn more about the play Farts. But anyway, please welcome the poet, Laurie DeFoonune spurt the elder

Thank you I'm sorry. I almost I almost instinctively sat you are obligated to stand for the rest of the show. Oh This is hard for me Hello spurt. Hello you said all wonderful to see you again. Wonderful to see you Good mr. Turkey. Hello. I could not but help to eavesdrop all your conversation. And I might have some lines of verses to help deal with the various personalities within you.

And you too, Arnie. Oh, really? That's right, I have soup in me. It is quite the coincidence that I myself have been in some dark times of doubt and something inside of me that I did not expect was there and then it is there and the great bomb of poetry is what helps one get through such times and may have perhaps some haps. Mr. Charles, Chant Arnie in Houston or this might help you. Our troubles are actually physical. You're talking metaphor right now.

Good point, Puddle Hump. Like we literally have things inside us. It's not as if poetry is useful. But maybe we can pretend it is. Okay, let's go. Okay. This latest verse is called Diffident Dreams of a mysterious muse wherein spurt gains wisdom. Each night as I lay my quill to rest and think on verses written, wondering which one was the best, though all have left me smitten. But Vistosh, quick, my pride is reversed, and I fear now my talent is but

a gimmick, my inner echo chamber suddenly cursed by the sound of some inner critic, a disembodied voice, no sympathy evident, which sharper than the claws of a griffin, with nose upturned to insecurities sent through some alternate universe sniffing. I recoil and disdain from what I did think, a perfect pot of poetic nomenclature, but no policy perfume could mask the stink. And now I hold a shattered mirror up to nature. Pride becomes shame and self wrath, as the barbs now come unbidden, exhausted as Arnie attempting math. From failing to keep my flaws hidden, and yet I count myself lucky and rejoice. In retrospect, I know that I needed it. I'll admit that sometimes that bitchy, stuck-up voice is funnier than the work that preceded it.

That helps me get through the night. Excellent. That was great. I feel a lot better, actually. Thank you. Because you, physically, in reality, have a corporeal voice within you and within that voice. No, I got it. I got it. Okay, okay. I won't go on. Thank you. High fault is was lovely. So much better than that horrible play, Farts. Oh, Farts. You don't like Farts?

I don't like the Play Farts. It's a, it's a foolish masterpiece! Well, if you think it's so good, why don't you do that ridiculous poem that ends the Play Farts? The, the final, the final, Fart poem. You know the one that is so profound? Yes, I will give you the final poem from the magnificent farts, the grand opus of food. Gentles, we thank you for coming here for sure As we did let forth our air from this humble aperture Please clap put your hands together do not shame us

Though our words come not from our mouth, but our anus And think not our egos are some little bit swole And think not our egos are some little bit swole, though our words come from our collective casts gaping shit hole. You can dodge the sharp points of insecurities, darts. Now that you have enjoyed this play we call Farts. Wow, nice game. Oh, but it gets me a much harder. Mother, that must have changed your mind.

I like it. I don't know what's wrong with your mother, but I think it's... Mother, what could you have against that? Well, it's just weird that they don't talk about thoughts so much into the very last poem of the whole play. Well, it's a lot of metaphor within that play. And by the end of it, you say, no, the farts you thought were real or images are actual farts. I love saying that word over and over again.

Can I divulge a secret that I've been holding on? Onto? Sure. Holding in and holding on to. Yeah. I happen to know some information. Chicken. I don't know if you know your mother had another child.

Your mother's other child. Their soul was swapped with a mug. Oh. And now chicken, your sibling wants to talk to you. Bing! Go, go, go, blue. Go, go, blue. Go, go, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good say this is good tape.

Well now all three of you have closure. The chicken would like to say something, although he can't. Yeah, but he's, he lets me know with kind of like a code. He taps out with a stomach. Oh, I'm a stomach. Um, he's gonna swap souls. He's gonna swap the wizard with the badger. Here he goes. Yeah, baby. I am Yucidor. Wizard of the Twelve Realm of Ephesians, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devour of Chaos. The elves know me as- Do I really have to go through all this? Yes, if you can.

Oh fuck you, aren't you? The elves know me as being Elic. Fangie, elves. The elves know me as Donan Hume Sanjee's, and I am known in the Northeast as Gaspemweini The Elz Nomies being Eric. Thank you. The Elz Nomies don't include Sanchez, and I am known in the Northeast as guest, Muehnius Mesa. And there are other secret names you may not know, like Biscuit, but Niscus.

Just to let you know, this curse does last for a good two weeks. Oh, wow. Oh, boy. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm OK with that. Seems like a fun time to me. John, just fall. John, just fall. See what's going on under these robes.

I'm going to be busy for a while. Guys, just, I know you've swapped souls for a little bit, but like, just know to respect each other's bodies, you know? You're, you're temporary. Oh, chunks, no, chunks. Come on. I'm sorry, I used to do. I can't believe this is happening at the end of the week.

This is one of the freakyest Fridays I've ever seen. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't believe this is happening at the end of the week. This is one of the freakyest Fridays I've ever seen. Yeah, it's weird that they switch bodies and vice versa. Less popular.

It's like we're all 18 again. Yeah. It makes me feel young, it makes me feel, I feel like I'm 13 going on 30. Well, Charles, there's been so much for you to process. Like, it's been quite a day for me, yes. Yeah. I found out that my father, who was not my father,

was then switched souls with a bowl of soup, and then drunk by a human being who Turns out to be sitting on my mother. Yeah It's a tale as old as time Well Charles, I hope you'll come back to the tavern sometime if you ever want to visit your mother I guess you could there's no reason you couldn't take this stool with you. Well, I don't have thumbs Oh That's true. I don't have thumbs.

Oh, that's true. That's true. I'm gonna have to remember that excuse when my mother comes to visit. Bro, we would love for your mother to come visit. Bro, bro, bro. I am not looking forward to next week's episode. And I would like to say that you come back and visit your father, but I mean, I don't know that this soup is going to be in my stomach forever. Well, maybe...

I mean, I may be stacking things up too much on myself, but maybe if you vomit into my mouth, I can take my father with me. Arnie, that's the least you could do. That's the least you could do. If the playfarts has taught us nothing. Do I get to say in this? No, I think you're out of this right now. This is a family thing.

All right, well, that's fair, because you don't need two stool parents. Let's go... Yes! Pukin' to his mouth, drink from that mug there, and it'll be three birds in one cup. Oh, yes, we'd get the chicken on to, and here's what? Just give it up to Chuck. Just up Chuck. Who's Chuck? Charles, Charles.

Oh, me on Chuck. We're on our way. We're on our way, Chuck. I call him Chuck. Down Chuck more like. All right, Charles. Hmm. I want to give your father to you.

He's not my father. Sorry, sorry, puddle, hum. There's got to be a better ways to phrase that. Here, here, I'm gonna orally deposit your father. Yes, in the name of the father. Is this in fact how my mother used to feed me? Oh, I'm sure, yeah. Okay, let me think of various things in this last hour that's made me want to throw up

What about when the wizard was hiking up his dress? Oh, yeah Beautiful And so natural oh God, oh my God I swallow some of your father. That's all right. I just hold within me. I think we're all good now. That's great. Is there anything you want to say to your father? Welcome home. Yeah, oh fuck I just sat on your mom. I'm so sorry. I am never, I am never going to forget how I met your mother.

Try as I might. Well, Charles, okay, I'm, I'm want to say goodbye. It's just going to take a while. I feel like Charles has done such a spectacular job tonight that maybe he should take over hosting perhaps Charles should be in charge Of our days and our nights. No, just the podcast. Okay. He has some very upsetting political views. I will admit though Listen, Charles is just in charge of a me. Oh, okay. Hey, Spur, did you have another poem that we can maybe go out on? I do, in response to the insecurities of the previous poem, Diffident Dreams of Mysterious

News, Where In Spurth Gains Wisdom, my latest poem is called, Fuck My Haters. Fuck these haters, imitators, to each of us haters. Have you heard the latest, spurtest the greatest, something for the laureates to yell about. Elder shall to spell the doubt, spurt about to spell the doubt, and stutut the p to the URT down with you, Siddore Chant, and you are neep, e to the o to the URT down with you, Sador Chant and you are Neap, E to the O to the DER, P you sell to the Vermillion Minotaur. Thank you so much. We are Hello from the Magetave.

Yavéé. Well, sometimes improv echelons overlap. Sometimes the rapid delusional dog catches the car. And of course, none of that really happened. Chant the King of the Badgers was played by Abel Raffai and eventually by Mat Young. Usador the Lighter Blue was played by Mat Young and subsequently by Adel Rafaie. Charles the Turkey was played by special guest Scott Adesit, who also played Puddlehump the Duck and the unnamed chicken with soul-swapping powers. You might know Scott Adesit from 30 Rock where he played Peter Hornberger. In the new year, look for him on Veepe, Gura Boss, and Kimmy Schmidt.

Sean Gabbador, the rally organizer, was played by Shannon Kason. Check out his storytelling podcast, Homemade Stories on iTunes. You know what's fun? Being the improviser who has to follow Scott Adcett. Spurt the Elder was played by Andy Carey. Andy performs with the Improvise Shakespeare Company and Lil Tudy's at Chicago's Iotheater. I think we all can agree, his first poem was a masterpiece. The Haunted Soup and Haunted Stool were played by, ready for a reveal that makes the usual

suspects look like blues clues, Arnie Neacamp. I know, go back and listen again, you'll hear the nuances. The Haunted M mug was played by, no, let's just say Joseph Fine. Yes, Shakespeare in love, the enemy at the gates, and a haunted mug. That's a body of work to feel good about. Hey, factcheck.org, come at me, bro. Hey Craig, what's got two thumbs and wants you to finish the credits?

What I'm saying is the two human thumbs I grafted onto a piece of banana bread last night when I was bored are gesturing for you to finish the credits Either that or begging for death. Just please stop spreading butter on that Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie Neacamp, Evan Jacober and Ryan D. Georgie This one edited by Garrett Schultz music by Andy Poland logo by Aller Laban additional audio effects by Jason Knox Production assistance by Garrett Schultz visit us at at alofromthematictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks for the Chicago Podcast co-op and Ear Wolf.

Special thanks for the Chicago Podcast Festival and especially Jonathan Pitts and Tyler Green. Also the F&A and Theater, as well as Recording Engineer, Michael Pickett, Live Engineer Andrew Dallas and the whole bread and roses team. And if you wanna see alo from the Magic Tavern live, you really, really should.

The next live show is at SF Sketchfest, Sunday, January 29th, at the Eureka Theater in San Francisco. Guests include Michael Hitchcock, who's been in like a million things, including all the Christopher Guests movies, and Rhea Butcher, who is just amazing and funny. Awesome, right?

Get more info and tickets at sfsketchfest.com. If you just want more Magic Tavern to download and listen to, aren't you, and you, Sor, all appeared on a recent episode of Comedy Bang Bang, episode 461. Yes, it is a comedy crossover. I cannot believe we got to do that. Boy, there's a lot of stuff to talk about at the end of this episode. Finally, if you want to buy Magic Tavern stuff for the holidays,

or you know, just for the hell of it, you can get shirts at store.earwolf.com and a really cool Magic Tavern poster, at allotfromthemagictavern.com slash shop. You have no excuse not to point a web browser at somethingmagic tavern related today. So you know, go for it. Okay banana bread, I'll end your hellish existence after one more thumbs up.

There we go. Oh, I'm going to keep you around for one more day. I'll just take it away. Please take it away. No go.