Hello From The Magic Tavern - 93 - Goblin General

Episode Date: January 2, 2017

Seems like about time to check back in with the goblins and see how their plan to rise up and take over all of Foon is going.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungGeneral Leebad Fellatio: Atra AsdouMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The following podcast is not real, but what it lacks in veracity it makes up for an unpredictable production value. And now enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the Magic Land of Foon. I'm your host Arne Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, here's what you need to know about... Wait, wait, wait, let me grab a pen. Yeah, okay, great.

Yeah, I'm ready. Do we have pens in this world? Sorry. Yes, I grabbed the pen. You know the place you put a pig. Oh, you grabbed the whole pen? Yeah, I want to slop around the mud while you list whatever you're going to list.

Okay, what were you talking about? I was talking about a writing instrument from my world. Oh, we have those. Oh, are they full of ink? Mm-hmm. Anyway, if you've never listened to the podcast before, you were kind of pleased with what's that. What's that?

You were kind of flipping about that? I was a little bit flipping about that. I'm sorry, Chen. No, it's okay. I'm not gonna grab a pen. Okay. I'm not that invested in the pen. Well, I'm not an invested in you

recounting what's going on in the podcast. How are you doing, buddy? I'm all right. Are you okay? I'm okay. What's up? You really came out of the gate hard.ing what's going on in the pocket. How are you doing, buddy? I'm all right. Are you okay? I'm okay. What's... You really came out of the gate hard. I didn't come out of the gate.

I didn't grab the pen. Oh, that's right. I'm doing okay. Oh, you're doing okay? Yeah. I'm a little thrown, like a little, uh... Just a little, little King's thrown. A little King's thrown.

The badgers got me a gift recently. What did they get you? They got me, it's like this weird. It's like, it's like a, it's like a pay box. It's like a ghostly pay box. Uh-huh. And I opened it up and inside there's a dog that had a clock in it Oh, I don't want to talk about it. You know what I'm talking about I don't want to talk about King's stuff. Oh, Sean. I'm sorry. I know the other badgers really seem to hate you now that you're a can of the badgers Yeah, I think I'm finally coming around to realizing that I mean, it's been a while we've talked about it

So I should have been, you know, but the world's been over my eyes, so. Yeah, well, now you see, they're gonna kill you. Those badges are gonna kill you. I need help. You do need help. Anyway, if you've never listened to podcasts before, anyway, we're in the middle of a conversation.

Let's just introduce Yusidor. Let me get down to my thing, little love God. Do you consider that your thing? My thing? Like I say, oh yeah, baby. You should or says his full name, and your thing is just recounting, summarizing the podcast.

You start just pop in here. I'm over at the bar, I'm waiting till some time to say my name. Yeah, I look. I was gonna do a clever spin on how I do what the podcast is about. Instead of saying a year and a half ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king into the fantastical land of Phuna.

I was gonna say that, you know, a couple days shy of 41 years ago, I was born in a little town called Lima, Ohio, and you're 41. I am a couple days away from being 41. I was gonna talk about how my birthday's coming up. Oh, but now we don't have to talk about it. So the one time I interrupt you? 41 years.

41 years. You said I'd just come over here. You're 41 years old. I am, I am not quite 41 years old. I could have sworn you were much older. Really? Yes. Yeah.

Well, also the one time you've interrupted me. Yeah. Looking at the condition of your skin, I looking at you. Also, the one time you've interrupted me. Yeah. Looking at the condition of your skin, I'd say 41. 41? Anyway, I feel great about turning 41. Thanks guys. W-O-N is what I meant. Like 41.

41, yeah. Each got to you. Yeah, not one of your more complex puns. I'm not trying. No, not at all. Chad, what happened to us? I don't know. Happy birthday to you. Happy complex puns. I'm not trying. No, not at all. Shawn, what happened to us? I don't know. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you. I'd like to read that. No, I don't know why I said that. No, it is my birthday. On my, it is. Wait, what? Today's my birthday. Today is your birthday.

Yep. Well, I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I'm a changeling, you know. I'm a shapeshifter. Yeah. Shapeshifters birthdays also, birthdays, also bounce around. They shift. They shift.

They shift. So today happens to be for this current iteration of what I am and my age, this is my birthday today. When you have sex with someone and then take on their shape, do you then take on their birthday? Yep. Holy cow. Oh, but fear not, chunt.

For I have planned a fabulous birthday for you. What? Bring out the cake. Oh my gosh. Bring out the dancers and the fire eaters. Oh my gosh, this is the coolest thing I've ever seen. Whoa! There's, the cake is so big that the fire dancers

and fire eaters are on the cake. The fire dancers. Yes. Everyone celebrates. Oh my gosh, this is amazing. And instead of candles, there's little horses with their hats on fire. Can I blow them out? Can I blow them out? They're low at a candle. There's little horses with their hats on fire. Can I blow them out?

Can I blow them out? There's an unsafe amount of fire. Oh my gosh, this is the best thing ever. Thank you so much. You said over your well-cooked. This was a incredible birthday. Well, what did you get him? What? What did I get you, chunt? I didn't know it was your birthday. Not a good friend. No, it was your birthday. Not a good friend. But you know what, you know what I got you? I know I also got all of us this for Winter Solstice, but I got us a spin-off podcast, offices and bosses,

that is going to be on the house service very soon. Remember, we spent the whole week recording a bunch of games of offices. Oh yeah, no, I recall. So exciting. Yeah, on January 11th, that's gonna drop. You definitely gonna wanna go to how that- Why would people drop it?

The series itself will drop. And it could break, don't do that. Why is it that we need to- People are here me now. It is imperative that you hold up officers and bosses and do not let it drop for if it does drop and shatter into a thousand pieces than fear for the future of humanity.

For this very game, I'd be the thing that saves your very soul. I turn in and look at yourself, pretend to be in this game with us, and then learn to adventure in your own life, and then travel the food and join Usano's quest, which is starting in a few weeks. Sure. Are you both on Red Potion? Like, I'm literally incapable of explaining anything.

I'm on Green Potion. I'd speak for a moment for all. Okay. Wait, you're on green potion? Yeah, it just makes you apathetic. Oh. How long have you been on that? Couple decades.

Couple of decades. Seems right. Anyway, definitely subscribe to Howl. If you haven't already, go to Howl.fm-slashmagic for a great introductory offer to Howl. And you'll be able to hear offices and bosses when it comes out. And some of that money goes to us. We get money, we get money.

I haven't been paid. Happy birthday, Chant. Thank you, happy birthday to you. You were born in Ohio. I was born in a little, in like a medium-sized town in Ohio called Lyma, Ohio. And I was born from a dark day when the birds did see that evil was a foot and it speak to the wind and the wind it speak to fire and fire and it speak to the river

and they say, come forth, let there be a wizard that can save us all and I stood up fully uncluded and erected and I did say I am used to the wizard of the twelfth realm of a fecesiest master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical lights, the power of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarakas. The elves nomi is fying out like thang nomi. The dwarves nomi is doing in huk stang jis, and I am noon in the north east as gasmwayneus me star. Oh, and there may be other secret names you do not know yet.

Names of such great power that if you were to speak them aloud, your very throat would ope. Ope? Your very throat would ope, and fire would spew forth, and then your tongue would be swallowed back into your mouth and come out through the front of your throat. It's nasty. Are we going to eat all this cake?

I mean, there's at least a ton of it, so I would say yes. Okay. Yum, yum, yum. Hey guys, I feel bad. We haven't introduced our guest yet. You know, there's been so much upheaval in Foon. I kind of wanted to learn a little bit more about it, but what's going on with the goblins.

And so we have on a goblin general, Leabad, I don't know if I'm pronouncing this correctly, Leabad, Philatio? Leabad, Philatio, yes. And you're a goblin general. I sure am. Oh, that's nothing worse than bad Philadio. I go by many names. Oh wait, general Leabad, general Leabad? Yes, that's my name, general Leabad, Philadio. Hmm. What? Is somebody laughing? No. I can't see out of one eye. Who is this? Hey, that's Chante. That's Chante. Chante? On Chante? So what does a general in the Goblin Army do?

Everything. I'm generally a general for the Queen's army. Queen Fiber of my Algem, is she ever reigned in horror? Yeah. And I am specifically an executioner. Oh. Yes, perhaps you've heard me by my other names, Corpse Comptroller. Corpse Comptroller. Masked out of murder. Yeah. Baby Grindr. Baby Grindr. Are you going to list all of your names? That could be a worse thing, I guess. How many more

names do you have? Aren't you done yet? Just one more. Maybe two if you don't watch yourself excuse me. Whoa are we having a name off name night Careful who you threaten goblin. Oh, I am a dangerous wizard of the 12th realm of a fesious call me not goblin But call me ash plunderer. Damn What was your name I couldn't hear? My name which one? The last one, the last one. Ash plunderer. We plunder the fat ash of the elves. And we steal it and we take it to the natural kings of coal so that they can give us information. Oh, the natural controls, I love. I love the neck and controls. They are very classic, classic food. And their daughter's pretty good too.

Yeah, sure. Oh, it's better. Almost. Yeah, they are unforgettable. Yeah. We take it and we trade that ash for some information. So I know things. Do they ever reject the ash?

And you just got to back that ash up. Sometimes, yes, we have to back that ash up. Sure. Sometimes we just let it go to back that ash up. Sure. Sometimes we just let it go and clap it out into the wind, make that ash clap. Yeah. Sometimes we just drop the ash. Sure, oh, absolutely.

Yeah. You said, or, you just seem upset. I've been threatened by a goblin general although I do not take such a thing lightly. Oh. Especially since your recent incursions upon the kingdom of the bell are off have been quite Terrible and terrifying Also apothecaries often only will be paid in ash cash or gas

You have to get them a cash of chemicals some ash. Yeah, or you know trapped gases like yeah Yeah. Or, you know, trapped gasses like Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But we've hunted so much ash from the citizens that do not know. Allow that as a form of currency to be paid

to the apothecary. Yeah, it's like there's no ash left. You just tap that ash. We tap the ash completely. No, I must ask you, Lee Bad. Look into my good eye. Oh, there. Oh, I got you.

Are we? We're on. OK, good. Now, what makes you wish to embark on such terrible incursions and battles and create such terror and horror throughout all of Foon? Why not use your power for good and join Yusodor in this fight against the Dark Mord.

Yusodor, my fight is a good fight. I'd say a better fight than yours. We actually get things done, Yusodor. How dare you, that a door. My fight is a good fight. I'd say a better fight than yours. We actually get things done, you see. How dare you! That's fair. What have you done? What have you done to discourage or derail the Dark Lord? I am constantly working to undermine the Dark Lord by sending all the manuals of spies and whispers into different parts of food to bring information back to me in very soon. What? You've never mentioned that before.

Yes, yeah. I've heard you've- Yes, I have. Plow the rack of ribs, but that's about it. Hey, I love that rack of ribs. Now, in very soon, we are about to embark upon our quest proper. Oh. Yes, in just a few weeks' time, all things will be aligned. The moon shall be in the correct orbits, and we shall head out.

General Lee Bad Philatio waits for no moon. Wait for no signs. Then you are fooled! A fool, I say! I make things happen. Already, I have fairies everywhere. You know, your fairies can be bought with a buttercup. Well, everybody loves a buttercup.

Yes, not as much as a fairy, though. You can derail a fairy with a buttercup. With a not as much as a fairy though. You can derail a fairy with a buttercup, with a wink of an eye, good eye. And I have them now spying on everybody. So everybody's got spies. Chump, as king of the badgers, do you have spies? Mm-hmm. I know you're every movement. What? You got spies spying on me?

Yeah, of course. You seem surprised. Why would I not track my best friend to see if they're plotting any machinations against me? Well, Chump, why would I be plotting against you? I don't know that's my question. Oh Unrest in the friendship. Yeah, everybody's trying against each other. Oh, I don't think their friendship was ever all that Restful to be honest. No, no, it seems like there's what between you and me. It seems like there's a lot of tension there Yeah, was it not like that before? I know it's always been like that. I seem like there's a lot of tension there. Yeah. Was it not like that before? I know, it's always been like that.

This seems like there's something... Do you think they get like that's what their thing is and how they're uncomfortable to go any other route? I don't think they know how to open up and just be generous and kind to an unknown area. Yeah, I mean, I'm mostly emotionally stunted. Yeah, you know, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute. I'm just whispering. You were spying on us, were you? Yes, I was. You were very good. Would you like to be recruited into my army? Ooh. Well, here, let's take a step back for a second.

Generally, bad, philodio. What? What is going on with the goblin army? So last we heard, Queen Fiber Myoges, a queen of the goblins. May she ever reign in horror? May she ever reign in horror? Yeah. You said, or accidentally gave her her confidence back with a fake magic rock.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. To accidentally do it. I meant to do it, but then she took a step too far. And now she's trying to take over all of Foon. Step too far is the Goblin Wake. Can I tell you?

You know, I know maybe you can't share like all the secret plans of the Goblin Army, but what are some of the secret plans of the goblin army? Some of the secret plans of the the fun secret plans. Yeah. No, I can't I can't I couldn't I couldn't betray the queen I just won so we're just so we're just so we're just your smile. She has so many teeth. It's like jelly got a flash. You used to do much teeth Thank you now could I I offer you a drink since we are around this table sitting here as friends and companionship I offer you to bring you a drink from the bar. A cider or an ale? What is your pleasure? The bar have leek juice.

Of course we have leek juice. From the land of wik? Yes. I'll go get it right now. A thimble, please. A thimble? Yes, that's all right. Just it, you don't want more than that? Just a thimble of Wicke Leaky. I'll get you a double.

I'll get you a double. Oh, fine, thank you. I don't know. My tolerance has really... Sure, sure. You might as well shrink up. I mean, it has been snowing pretty hard, and I think we're stuck in here.

I'd say we're snowed in. We're snowing. And you know, snow here is actually shards of glass. Oh, you know that? I have not been out. Where you said it is. Sorry, that's why I told you to try and catch a snowflakeards of glass. Oh, did you know that? I have not been out. Where you don't want to be. Sorry, that's why I told you to try and catch a snowflake on your tongue.

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't the friendship. Yeah, I'm John. What's going on between us? Sorry. Have I ever told you about the snowman we've made? There's a story about a snowman in Finn. No.

He's a snowman that we built from the snow from glass. Yeah. And then we put on a magical plate of armor on him and he came to life. Wow. Yeah. He's been killing kids ever since. My kids love that story. Kids love that story. That's my favorite tale. Yeah. Yeah. It seems classy. I was classy. The Killman is what they call him. I was told that story in the birth sack. Oh. Oh. When I was just a dripping wet goblin. Sure. Yeah. That's my favorite. Disgusting story. Thank you. You don't want to hear generally bad sack. Ooh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! And I of course so drink 35 ounces of vinegar What why are you drinking? What's going on? Who are you trying to prove yourself to use it? Oh no one at all. I just want to show how tough I am

That's disgusting and I'm a goblin That was so good That was so good. No. Oh. You're sweating profusely. No, I'm not sweating salt. I feel quite good actually. Oh boy, yeah, you're delicious.

You also stink of vinegar. Let's just take a quick break. Let's sort of err this side of the tavern out a little bit. You are attracting a lot of flies surprisingly. And a charred horse. What is that charred horse? Oh, I said a horse on fire. Oh no. That's one of my candles.

All right, well we'll be right back. So general faladio, what? Well, what are you all right? That was good lake juice. Good lake juice. Yeah. Where's some of the fun secrets of the goblin army? Yeah, secrets are by of the fun secrets of the Goblin Army? Ah, secrets are, the army is full of secrets.

Sure, but there are no secrets between friends and we're all friends here. Yeah, you know I haven't had a friend in years. Oh, now you have three. Oh, yeah. No one is poor. Who has friends? It's very true. It's true.

Wow. Unless your friends are all poor. There's an old food saying that if you are a person, a man or a woman, and you are one of those people who has friends and keeps them around you at all times, that you will always be wealthy, but not in the literal sense that you are rich in spirit and mind instead. That's an old foolish saying. A pithy foolish saying. Yes. You want to know secrets up? Gosh, that was good. She is drunk. I am fast have secrets

Doesn't want you to know nobody wants you to know I don't want you to know by your my friends that I will tell you Yeah, just for fun. I Bribed the tooth fairy. Oh Whoa, I bribed the tooth fairy to bring me back secrets and I have them all. When your spy fairies is the tooth fairy? Mm-hmm. The tooth fairy. Man, what is the tooth fairy in Foon?

When children lose their teeth, their parents take their teeth and they put them underneath a pillow. And then the tooth fairy comes at night and takes the tooth away and replaces it with a chicken wing. And then the next morning, glassy to stumman, kills that child. No, no. And then that child's spirit rises above. Well, if you've bought out the tooth fairy, it does. Uh-huh. Rises above where the sun is just about to set.

Uh-huh. And a prism breaks out and across the prism is delivered a tiny scroll, and on that scroll, which ends up in my hand, because again, bought out to you. On that scroll, it's with all the secrets of that child's family. Have we ever told you about prism break? Prism break. It's only been around for a few seasons. I don't know if it's even around anymore. I think it's still a heart. It'll come back. So I read all the secrets of that family, whether or not they are aligned to our queen, or whether they are for the Dark Lord himself.

What's that now? The Dark Lord. You have secrets about the Dark Lord that you can share with you, Siddor? Yes. I have secrets about the Dark Lord, and wouldn't you like to know that, sorry, I get peptic sometimes when I have a leak. Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, yeah. Drink some of this vinegar. Ugh, you don't have any more.

I don't know. I've never been from one of my old friends. She was a, she's just like a bear naked lady. She used to say, one leak, that's it. Cut yourself off. That vinegar wasn't so bad. Maybe it's the leak talking, but that vinegar was not that bad. Uh-huh. Evened your out.

So are you really that invested in secrets of the Dark Lord? They're really... Absolutely. Here's our number one enemy. Enemy. He's my number one enemy. Is he? Yes! What?

Oh, he has so much in common. Get out. Use the door, Lee. Bad C. You guys have common ground. Here, no, not that much, though, you haven't done much to get to him. I know what he wants. Well, well, I know what he wants. He wants Arnold.

He wants all his secrets of Earth and Earth in culture. But how does he want Arnold? Ugh. I don't know how to answer that question. But generally, bad Philatio does. D-A-D. No! Did she say dead? Yes, in a very weird way.

I got peptic again, so. Oh, that's all right. Don't worry about it. Dead, you want some dead. The dark lord wants me dead? You? Duh, no. Once this Arnold person dead? Arnold, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. This is Arnie, of course. Yes, he wants Arnold dead now I if you guys want to lead in looking to my good eye sure the other ones are cloudyed over I've been staring into that one I thought it was like a crystal ball no no no no no no one's just cataracts I have the answer to why he wants him. What is it?

Every time she pauses between a word, it kinda looks like she's gonna throw up. Yeah. Being peppy close to the ground. Like I'm going to die myself. I should have never had that like juice. He thinks in order to stop the Gremlin queen. The Goblin Queen? Goblin Queen. I've gobbled up too much league juice. I was going to say I think the Gremlin queen went out during the day and I don't think she died. She had a big meal or a little bit after midnight and went out into the sun.

Oh she died. There was a little bit of her entire life. No, no! He wants Arnie in order to overthrow the Goblin Queen. Oh. He thinks that he is the only one to stop. And so the Goblin Queen wants him dead too. Ooh. The Goblin Queen wants Arnie dead? No. What have I said?

No, you mean Arnold. No, no, not me, Arnie. Arnie? No. Arnold. Oh, what's the difference? Hold on. What is that?

Wait, wait, wait, your name is Arnie. My name is Arnie. That's different than Arnold. That is different than Arnold. There's so many different letters in that name. Yes. So the queen wants Arnold dead. Alright.

Because the dark lord thinks that Arnold is the way to overthrow the queen. Oh, ho. Do you see this little twinkle in my cloudy eyes? Yeah, it's terrifying. Do you see my sharp razor teeth? Yeah, it is too much teeth. I am the one to deliver Arnold to her. Well, he haven't seen all of recently. I don't know, it's a tell to you.

Why, just curious, like, what happens when you find this, this Arnold guy? I myself will sit upon his shoulders in the middle of the night and sing sweet melodies to him. Okay, so about so far. As I slowly chew through his head's side, oh, through the head's wide, and then I take a dive down into his neck,

through his body and use it like a puppet, and then I control his body like that. My body inside his body, but my head popping out where his head once was, and I deliver it to the con. One moment there, general. How are you going to sing and chew at the same time? Busted!

Uh, scablins have our ways. Uh. Go ahead, give me a, what is that cake? Yeah, here I am. Give me a piece of cake. I'll show you. She's eating cake. Oh, yeah, it kind of works.

I could see, I could see where that works. I could see I could see where that works Yeah, wait no, I still feel like I don't fully understand No, just a little more I feel like I need more Can I try Can I try can I try that? I'm gonna sing a song right? Goblins are gonna kill you. Goblins are gonna kill you. Goblins are gonna kill you.

You're barely eating when you sing that. Goblins are gonna kill you. Too night. I like that one. Why weren't you singing along? I don't know. Goblins are gonna kill you. Goblins are gonna kill you.

Goblins are gonna kill you. Goblin's not gonna kill you. Come on. Be a sound machine. I'm just really worried about this Arnold guy. I bet he's probably a nice guy. And, you know, he's got a birthday coming up. And he, you know, doesn't wanna die really soon.

Give me more information. Arty, how can you be worried? When there are acrobats here for transbirthday? Wow! Look at that. Is that an acro cat? Oh wow! Yes, all men out of animal are in this acrobatic family. Wow, that is impressive. Gosh, I, um... You look worried.

I am. You know, I think I know where you can find this Arnold Person you do yeah, I think if you go to The smoldering widow it's a bar another tavern in hogs face. I think Arnold is there the smoldering widow Yeah, go to the smoldering widow you might have to wait there a couple days But he usually comes in. Give me a description. That is the one thing I have yet to find out. He's very thin, very athletic, blonde, blue of eye. Pretty short.

He wears it or not anything too close to how I really look. It's pretty short. He wears a different set of clothes every day. He can talk nonstop about anything. He never gets snagged up in conversation. Very, very charming fellow. You want to spend a lot of time with him. He has no wife, no child. He never gets snagged up in conversation. Very, very charming fellow. You want to spend a lot of time with him. He has no wife, no child. We know that for sure.

No wife, no child. Oh, no. What is happening? Oh, I wanted to leave behind a person who would be best for a woman's child to find. Yeah, you wanted to with out. Yeah. On often I script my initials and my full name as well underneath my initials on the backs of the children Oh, don't write that on children. You write on children's backs Using my talons my harpy talons I stole them from the harpy hop from the harpy Home the one who plays the harp you've never met the harpy I have not oh Well the harpy Hop plays every morning

at the crack of dawn in the center square. Wow, that song is, your Hoppy Hop is your chance to do the hop. Yeah, and her nose is big, like a pickle. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Well, I clip her talons every weekend. Sure.

And it's a bit of a symbiotic relationship. Yeah. Sounds nice. She has clip talons for her hop to play beautiful music. And I use the tips to inscribe my name on the backs of children's skin. And there is a rumor going around that I heard once that she got busy in a bathroom,

but I can't remember what, well, where was that at? Somewhere. Somewhere. Some type of bathroom she got busy. I recall that too. Oh well, it doesn't matter. So this athletic, blue-eyed, brown-haired...

Blond, blonde, blonde, blonde. Short, man, who doesn't have a wife or a niche, you know, man? Poop sitting down. Poop sitting down. How strange. Do you have three times? What's that? Nothing. And...

Wait till the smoldering window. I'll sure he'll be there any moment now Happy to see you ready to have his head shoot off and have his body warden like a suit You know, I'm really glad you all had me open up today, you know I don't get to do this often and I've actually never saying the song of the head chewing to anybody While they were still alive, you know, wow, so we're the only living people that have heard that, yeah. Yes, yes. I mean, it's still. You're welcome.

It's such a gift, isn't it? Feel free to come back and join us anytime. Oh, I don't know. I don't have much time, you know. I'm not a friend or an old friend. But if you want to cancel some battles and do less, you know, evil, you know, you just come hang out with us. Evil, we're fighting the Dark Lord.

It's still good. Okay. I also have to say the sack that you brought in with, I just come hang out with us. Evil, we're fighting the Dark Lord, it's still good. Okay. I also have to say the sack that you brought in with, I'm guessing your weapons in there, that's a Qtack. That's a really Qtack. Thank you so much. That's my testicle bag. No, that's where you keep the testicles of your opponents.

No, it's called a testicle bag. Oh, gotcha. I just call it a Qtack. No, it's filled with icicles. Gotcha. It's a test bag. Oh, okay. The icicles. Gotcha. Yeah, so thank you for letting me. No, thanks's filled with icicles. Gotcha. It's a test bag. Oh, okay. Vicycles got you. Yeah, so thank you for letting me know. Thanks for coming by. Well, I think that's all the time we have

This is the time where our guests leave so Oh fine, okay. Yeah, um, okay. I guess why don't you come over to the bar with me for a little bit and I have one more drink me for a little bit and I have one more drink. Well, I cannot wait to kill Arnold just too, I can come back here. As soon as I kill Arnold, my schedule just opens right up. The queen is insured for an eternal reign over this man. I'm a fool and I just want to kill him and eat through his head and sing the song and walk his body to the queen and presented to him get a little closer can't wait to like I want to kill him Oh yeah

John yeah I know there have been a lot of guests on the podcast who want me dead but this this fight seems more imminent than most yeah it did seem pretty sincere like she's gonna chew into the side of my head and sing that song but that was kind of awesome right I don't want that song stuck in my head. We're no quick. I need a ruby. So I'll give you a ruby. A ruby? Why would you? Hey, go take it out of my crown. Here. She said she put a whole fissure mouth for ruby. Wait, you said it was not useful. No, it's a cool trick. I want to see.

Stop being here. Here. Here it goes. That was amazing. Yeah, that was pretty impressive. That's the weirdest thing I've seen on a Tuesday, Jesus. Oh, God, she's got her hand stuck in her mouth, but she's barfing around her hand. It's amazing. It's like when someone's barfing into their hand, but like they're barfing literally around there. Oh my gosh. Happy birthday, John. This is all for you. That was... Wow. Listen, I got your back buddy, okay? So, I know we've had some rows but... I know we fight all the time but if I do get killed, I want you to know

that I consider you a good friend. I consider you a good friend as well. You're my best friend and I'm happy that currently our birthdays are very near to each other. Yeah, I love you, man. I love you too, buddy. What are you talking about? Shut up. So, Sean, did you get any, did you get emails or anything this week? Oh, looks like we got a package for the deport. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, looks like this is from Peter in Birmingham, England. Oh, there's shirts. Yeah, there's some cool shirts. I got one of my face with a little crown on it says King of the badgers, baby Oh, hey look on the back proud owner of 2 2's chow Oh, I got a shirt as well extra extra large for once which is my size put it on a bit of slim But I'm like a slim Exxel put on now and the shirt says I'm questing for the lunar sword. That's so great. Oh look on the back of that one

Tomorrow, oh for the lunar sword, that's so great. Oh, look on the back of that one. Tomorrow. Oh, you got me shirt. You got my number. You can do tomorrow. And there's one for you, sir, it says Magic Rocks. And it's the Pylor Rocks. Oh, that's awesome. Wait, does it say anything on the back? Mm-hmm.

It's his full name. Really? Kind of. That's a lot of text. Oh, it's in initials. That's fantastic. You know what, that actually just kind of made me forget for a second that I'm gonna have

the side of my head chewed off and I'm gonna die. Oh. And I'm not even gonna, and this is the worst week for it. It's like it's my birthday's coming up, and also I don't know if I've mentioned this, my wife Sarah Mahir, her birthday is this week as well. Like is this a special time of year? Why'd you say you're full of nine?

Is that weird? It just reminds me how weird earth names are. Our unique camp. It could be a weird, like we had, I guess, as we generally bad Philasio. Yeah, that's probably the same name. Yeah. Like, what do you think?

Well, Flodio's been around since, I don't know, hundreds of years. Hundreds of years. At least. Well, I'm sure at first the name was passed down mouth to mouth, but I'm sure eventually it was when there was records taken I'm sure oh sure oral tradition oral tradition of audio. Yeah, why are you smiling so hard? Oh boy

I'm sorry. What about an oral tradition of a lot of you makes you smile just makes me smile even if it's generally bad Where did you get these shirts? They were sent to the they were shipped to the portal. Oh, wonderful Oh, it's all my initials on the back there wonderful Wonderful. That way I won't forget the first letters of all of my names. Maybe next time you introduce yourself, you just use the letters. No. What are you talking about? I was having fun over at the bar. I'm talking about how I'm gonna die the week of my birthday. Well, let's hide you. Let's do something. Let's be proactive. Yes. You are integral to my quest, so it is my duty to protect you. Oh, let me focus on my magical powers. I, in order here to keep Arnie safe and well, send him to another dimension and let it not be hell.

I keep Arnie safe within a cloud of kindness and cheer. Let him be safe, but no longer be feared. I, Arnold, now you shall go back to the place where you shall not feel pain, and though it shall be our loss, it shall be your gain. There is no way of knowing. Don't interrupt this spell. Don't interrupt the spell. Whoa! Whoa!

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Arnold messed up the spell. He farted when he left. Oh, Arnie. Roode. Oh, who's that? Who is that? Whoa.

Oh, it's the memory grenade. Arnie? Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Holy shit, are you a badger? Yeah, I'm a shapeshifter.

Oh, I'm a shapeshifter. Why are you talking? Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Quiet, quiet, quiet. I recognize you though you do not recognize me. I realize what has happened here. Did we meet in college? No, you are Sarah Mahor or Sarah Raabh Camp Not recognize me. Oh, no. I realize what has happened here. Did we meet in college? No.

You are Sarah Mahler. Or Sarah Rockamp. Or Sarah Neacamp. No, definitely not Sarah Neacamp. I'm kind of a modern woman. But you are the good lady to this Mary Toa friend, Arnold. Yeah, can I see him? Yes, he's been here in Foon Mini months now.

I think about a year and nine months to be exact. Yeah, about a year and nine months ago, Ornie fell through a dimensional riff behind her Burger King into a magical land called Foon. It's kind of like Narnia or... You may know it as Middle Earth, but we don't call it that. It's called Foon here.

Yeah, and since then, he also fell through with his podcasting equipment. He's been hosting a weekly show. He was still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal through the portal from behind the Burger King, which allows him to upload a podcast. I've never realized how helpful that is to say that. It's really does help.

He's like, he has a 5 out of 10 hundred times before. Just rolled off your tongue. Yeah, I guess it kind of did. This is the Vermillion Minotaur. I'm chunced. And I am Usador. Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius. Master of Light and Shadow. Minipulator of Magical Delights. The power of of Chaos, Champion of the Great Pools of Turokus, the elves' Numi's fiend Yolk, the dwarves' Numi is Zonen in Hukstenges, and I am known in the

North East as Gassamwinius Mastar, and Sarah, believe me when I say, there are other secret names you do not know yet. Want some cake? It's Chant's birthday! Happy birthday, dude. Oh, thank you. You're great. Thanks. This is a lot to take in. The cake? Yeah, I know. It's like about a ton of cake.

Sarah, we got Arnie through it. We'll get you through it. Again, another cross-dimensional event? Yeah, there have been a lot of those lately, right? And we are the centuries between worlds. Our job is to stop them from happening. Right, and do we do something in particular to stop that? Oh, Craig, I have this all laid out in ever note.

Despite my best efforts, we're now presiding over the most fragile cross-dimensional lining in the history of the universe. Our best hope is that most witnesses wandered off after that pen argument for the first three minutes. We are transmitting, by the way. Oh, and scene! Good work, Craig. What a fun improv exercise! That listener is what would have happened if any of that was real, which it's not! Those alarms in the background are just sensors that indicate when fun is happening. Anyway, use it or the lighter blue is placed in the light blue. It's a very good idea to use the light blue. was real, which it's not. Those alarms in the background are just sensors that indicate when fun is happening.

Anyway, use it or the lighter blue was played by Matt Young. Thought we were going to avoid the full name this week then we got it twice. Shame on me for hoping. Chant the King of the Badgers was played by Adolf Refei. The Goblin General was played by special guest Atra Asdu. Atra performs with world news tonight, damn Gina beats a dead horse, and Lil Turtees at Chicago's I-O theater. The nice thing about improv show names is how every word in human language

will eventually be used. Oh, Earth human Saramara was played by Earth human Saramara. It's just a nonstop slip and slide, leading into this dimension. It's the ending of half-blood prints all over again. Speaking of which, I have to analyze the full extent of the damage. Take it away, little two-teas. I like that name.

You think you're making fun of me, but I like that name. A low-from-the-magic tavern was produced by Arnie Neacamp, Evan Chicover, and Ryan D. Georgie, is one edited by Garrett Schultz, music by Andy Poland, logo by Allard LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at aloefromthemagictevern.com or on Facebook or Twitter, thanks for the Chicago podcast co-op, and thanks to Ear Wolf. And yes, the offices and bosses spin-off starts January 11th on Howell. Go to Howell.fm-slashmagic, poke around, seal the awesome stuff, and be ready for offices

and bosses. Oh, I can't wait! Nibbmy character can be a little too.