Hello From The Magic Tavern - 96 - Mic Test

Episode Date: January 23, 2017

Testing out mobile recording for the show. Let's... get out of the tavern...CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungClacks/Clax: TJ JagodowskiOoze: Paul GrondyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Now, swing open the hangar doors of your mind's eye and let that dream zeppelin take wing while I make lunch. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune, I'm your host Arnee Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, it's alright. Here's what you need to know. About a year and nine-ish months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from that Burger King through that dimensional riff, and I use it to upload a podcast that you're listening to right now. Is there a name for the Wi-Fi signal? Is there a name for the Wi-Fi signal? You said sometimes signals have names. Yeah, no, it's called, it says BK maybe with a question mark after it.

Hmm. So I think that's, I'm thinking that's from the Burger King. Maybe. Maybe. Question mark. And I use that to upload this podcast. I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon. And I'm joined as always by my co-hosts, my buddy, Yusidor. Bye, I am Yusidor. We're the 12th realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow. Minipulator of magical lights, the power of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarakas. The elves know me as fiend, Yelok. Thank you, Yelok.

The dwarves know me as Xunin and Xu Xtangies, and I am known in the North East as Gassmoyneus Mastar. Oh, and there may be other names. Names of such portent and power that if I dared utter them aloud, that the very grass would jump out of the ground and run away! What name is that, that does that? The one that the grassy one. Yeah, what's the grassy one?

The grassy one? Yeah, what's the grassy name? Oh, that's the name, the grassy one! Yes. Oh. Grassy one. I'm gonna look out the window. Shh.

Don't say too much. Yes, some of the grassy one. Some of the grassy one, right away. Yes, holy cow. They know who they're dealing with and I'm also joined by Who else did we have chun? Well, well, there's a little asterisk next to that now. Oh, I had a talk with my fellow bachelors, badgers, with my subjects. And we're not happy with you. They're not happy. We came to a mutual agreement that they are going to pack up and leave, so they have left

the kingdom. They're going to start a new kingdom somewhere else in the realm. So I am a king, you know, king, table for one, king them for one. So every other badger left and left you here. They all left. I remain a King because I do have a subject which is myself. So I rule over myself.

So I'm King of the badger. But a King lives to surface people, to protect them and to make sure that they are well and healthy. Yes. Technically yes, but that a great healthy. Yes. Technically, yes. But that's not a great thing. This is Boisier. If we remember this is Boisier.

That's true. Boisier. And we're going to be a little more active. We're going to try and get stuff done. Stop Boisier. So, you know, I decided to, you know, let bygones be bybys and, you know. Yeah. And how far away did they go?

I don't know. I thought you were the king of all the badgers of food. I thought so too, but they made it clear that they are leaving and starting a new kingdom, so I don't know what to tell you. This is a good opportunity to perhaps make a change in your life, Chant. Think about that. Oh, and we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're about- And we're's more helpful on a quest. No, you're right. We're gonna go, we're gonna leave Hogs face and travel to defeat the Dark Lord in four weeks. So what can you do to like up the steps? I feel like I've gotten super comfortable with being a batter, you know, and I've been, I've been a crocodile, I've been a bear, I've been, you know,

a breathy engineer, I've been all these different things and I feel like, you know, I'm just really comfortable with being a batter. Johnny, here's my question. Are you not going to have sex with anything now? Here's my statement. I don't know if I still got it. I think I lost my groove. You lost your groove? Yeah. I don't know. This still got it. I think I lost my groove. You lost your groove? Yeah.

Oh no, this is still worse thing that could have happened. If Chant doesn't have it on the quest, then the quest is doomed! DUMB! Wait, is it that important that he has his crew? DUMB! Use it R! How important to our quest to defeat the Dark Lord is chance ability to give sex with people! Oh, I just thought he meant like it's like Chom and like, no that doesn't matter.

Oh okay, oh a few. Yeah, boys here. Boys here! Well, I have been actually preparing for our quest. I know we're leaving in four weeks I've been thinking like from this point on can we just say a month a month? It's just saying for weeks. I guess I mean a month is technically not always exactly four weeks I mean, maybe it's different on fune is is a month always exactly four weeks You know, I'm just trying to help. I'm trying to find ways I can help on the quest. You're right a month

There's not always four weeks, but I'm trying to find ways I can help because I'm not an alligator or a bear I'm a king of the badger You still have all your commiserate titles what all the titles so the yeah Your honor is the stood on upon you as king. Yeah, and anybody I made an honorary badger or nights in badger service You're still those roles Help out oh I made an honorary badger or Knights and Badger service. You're still those roles. You still have help out. Oh, yeah, right. Help, that's great.

You're a badger and you got a little crown on your head. That's gonna be really helpful. You're great, John. Thank you. You're doing great. You're doing great. And also, I have been working all week to figure out what we're gonna do

when we leave on this quest. You know, we're probably, this podcast is still going to probably be very helpful to the quest. What? We're going to waste our time with this still. Yeah, here's the thing. I've been working on, like, I've been tying these microphones onto ropes that we can tie around our, our necks so that we can, like, it can be kind of mobile.

We can take them with us on the quest and still do the podcast from the road. On our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. Is that why the suite of paper says micro-roaps? Yeah. You're calling a micro-roaps? Micro-roaps. Yeah. It's not very catchy.

But it does describe what we're doing. Here's what I was thinking. We should do a test run. Let's all tie these microphones around our neck. Let's bring a couple extra ones, Justin, Gays, you never know. And here I'll put two around me. Make mine a little tie. We're going to the dungeon. Wait you know how much I love dungeon crawling? How much do you love dungeon? It's my favorite thing to do Let's go. Come on. Let's go. Look. I'm wearing

I'm wearing D-shirt that the one of our fans sent in the one that says Yeah, yeah shut up. Let's go. I'm questing for the lunar sword great. Let's go Okay, I've never worn a t-shirt that says what I'm doing And I still managed to accomplish quite a bit. I'm just saying it'll be extra awesome if I get the lunar sword while I'm wearing this t-shirt That says I'm questing for the lunar sword. I don't know if I've seen you in some time now maybe four weeks of ish I don't know if I've seen you get out of that chair. I thought you were FDR. What? I thought you were FDR What does that mean? Fucking done running True definitely true, but now you're on your feet. Well first of all I didn't say I was we're run there. Oh, let's just let's just walk there Come on. Let's go. Okay. Let's go. All right. All right

Goodbye blemish good Bye blemish. This is blemishes. Don't do anything evil while we're gone. Mundle, you wait here. We're gonna, should we leave Mundle behind? Uh, yeah, Mundle. Sorry, buddy. Now it's right over here. This is the quickest way in. Do you go to the main entrance

or do you go to this little side entrance right near the tavern? Oh, they were. Well, what? There's a side entrance right by the tavern? Yeah, it's behind this tree right here. You can feel the stuff. Okay, this hatch Here we're gone down the hatch before I haven't none down the hatch

Lichten Connor. Oh right little light for us And don't forget down here. I think there's some sort of like little rock or something we have to push every 36 hours or I can't remember what it is. But what if we get lost? Mm-hmm, figured out. Pushing the button and hatches my least fair pot of the dungeon. Oh, sorry gentlemen, you have to wait there for a second. Guys! What?

Ah! Yeah! You're gonna miss it! How do you do that! Yeah! You'll want to miss you. How are you doing? Yeah! Now, we are here to do some dungeon crawling. So, do you want to battle? Nope, but hold on.

Legally, I have to read this, you. Okay, all right. Dear dungeon crawlers, to those of you about to assume this task, once you pass these yellow footprints, what's happening in the dungeon is your responsibility, not the responsibility of the dungeon owner or the responsibility of the staff. Oh.

I need a verbal commitment of affirmative to that. I agree. I agree. Uh, uh, y'all. Okay, great. Thank you guys. Now, how are you man? Is your legally binding?

I don't want to try to get away with something here. Oh, we've been wonderful clacks. It's good to see you. Oh, good to see you too. Oh, hey, if you see a rib bone anywhere It's probably mine. Oh barbarian came through and you're just trucked me last week And I'm still peace in this piece of stuff back together. Yeah, that can be brutal. Oh Oh, so

Dungeon crawling I'm in all we're coming for the Lunar so we're gonna go for it This isn't just like going for brook. We're not just in here like sightseeing We're gonna get the lunar sword today guys. That's big time vingo you realize oh we do know But we finally have a party put together. We're not doing it on our own a wizard a magical creature and a a guy with a t-shirt That says I'm questing for the lunar sword probably like a bard or a jester. I'm not sure how you categorize here. I think the t-shirt says Luna sword, doesn't it? It does.

It does. Only recently realized. I don't know if that was intentional but the person that printed it up. But we are looking for the lunar sword, right? Yes, that's right. I'm questing for the Luna sword. Clax, you know if there's a Luna sword as well?

Oh, yeah. They're just little commemorative ones you can get at the gift shop. Anyone can buy a Luna sword Yeah, I see it takes a little doing I didn't know if it was like the looters or men Luna is for women I didn't know if it's that kind of thing, but it's just it's just like smaller ones at the yeah, yeah It's just yeah, there's no way you know what if this doesn't work out today on them I'll buy you one of those little Luna swords. Oh, you'll love it. Yeah, you'll have no apostrophe in me I'm and there's no way this is an extra extra large, but regardless

Thank you for whoever sent it in I think it's alright You sure yeah, I'm fine. Okay also be careful as you go down the first couple levels will lousy with badgers right now Oh really? Oh, they're fuck they didn't go far to all they're just hiding from you. I think Those They didn't go far at all. They're just hiding from you, I think. Those... Oh, shit. Fucking badgers. I don't want to see him right now. I'm gonna... should I leave? I don't want to... I don't want to see them. No, Sean, this is a quest for all of us.

Ah, fine. Well, they're gonna feel like idiots when you have the linear sword. They're gonna respect you. Leo, can I... can I talk to you straight for a second? Yeah. Now, you can bypass us a few levels in the dungeon, right? We've been friends for a long time. We've been coming back here, or no, or... And perhaps we can just bypass those badges

and what do you say you join the quest place? Me? All I wouldn't stand a chance. Oh, Clax. I wouldn't stand. There's... I wouldn't stand a chance. Oh, guys. I wouldn't stand, there's, I wouldn't stand a chance. Um, guys, I'm, I'm cannon fodder. Uh, you could, I'll go with you, but throw me at something and then keep on going. That is exactly what I planned.

Oh, yeah, I'm game, I'm game. No, yeah, yeah. But I'm serious, if you want to bypass some stuff we can, but there is sort of a logic to the build of it all, you know. Oh, there is, there is kind of a little foreplay to it, a little bit of a form and up a little bit of a free. And this, they're like we won't really understand the full story of the dungeon.

Yeah, you know, if you really want to immerse yourself into it so that you see that the difficulty is ever increasing. If you jump right in at, you know, level 30 or whatever, you're gonna be ratioing the building. You're gonna mix so fast. Yeah, you know, is it all right if we go past the badgers That would be great. Yeah, great. Let's go. Good good good great. Well, I'm gonna for something like that And I think you'll still you know, that's basically just the opening credits. Good. Oh, okay

Excellent. I have you follow me gentlemen. I sleep over there just FYI I sleep over there. Yeah, that's my little spot. Now I just a pile of bones. I thought you didn't sleep anymore. I'll take a load off. I like to get horizontal either way. You know, like, all right. Jump.

Have it's die hot. Do you have any questions? This is mostly granite and shist right here. You can see some dolomite and zinc deposits slittered in. Yeah. A lot of this is old stone. A lot of this is old stone igneous Agnes rock wow

Yeah, we're thinking about punching a hole through that wall there and just making a little kind of wreck area But you know what have we get the funds and stuff like that? It's a natural lighting here. Yeah, wouldn't that be nice? You know what you could do if you knock out that wall And then put an island right here you could have a whole kitchen area That's great open up the open up right into the right you can see your bed from that you can kind of if you know if you're having people over Get a spit open flame the whole deal that would be nice nice thing about nice thing about natural light and a dungeon all Skylights all skylights. Yeah, or moon lights, which you know sure Oh, man. I hope the lunar sword isn't waxing right now

That could be that would be unfortunate. Do you know it waxing it waxes and wanes? No, I didn't yeah Well, you could get down there and find that it's only about this rig oh no or you could get down here and find out about me Yes, that huge yeah, yeah, yeah, it moves That's the thing about it moves with the phases of the moon We don't want to go down there to if on the off chance that it's a new moon tonight, the sword, you won't be able to see it. Oh, boy. Good.

What if it's a half moon, would it just be half a sword? Just the health? Oh, no, it stays in total in form. It just moves in, yeah. Moves in size. Except on the new moon night where it's just absolutely invisible. Anyway, is this velvet rope? Is this where we where we go behind VIP get out of there? Oh? Wait, we're not out in there. It's VIP. What's in the who who are the VIP bottle service? You get the bottle service over there and mucky mucks

Uh, excuse me councilman. Oh, wait Used to do it. We have no idea. We know be air. Oh much Dutch. Get out of there. Get out of there I'm just kidding around I don't know how to go back there. Yeah, there was a major league panty party in there last night Anyway, let's Just come now that if you wouldn't mind pushing on that stone right there that ugly Yeah, you couldn't you tell by the way it stuck out different than all the rest of them. It was a little Weird who just go down these stairs. There you go.

All these colors seem to be forming some sort of pattern. I'm gonna say Blue yellow green yellow red The door open That's mostly storage. Oh, okay. Okay, that's all. Oh, hey, clock. Oh, hey! Could I get that...

Could I get that worker album back that I let you two weeks ago? I don't... Uh... Perth. You didn't drop it around here, loser figure. You said it was for keeps. It was a keep-sease. Oh. You said it was for keeps. It was a keep cease. Oh, or it isn't.

Nothing more important to me than my- She gave me one say, I have buddies here. Oh, no, we, we, we, we know who's. Oh, okay. All right, that is easier. I don't know if it's the same or the same. Yeah, I don't know. Could be a totally different news.

Ordin' where did it? Did you come to speak to us at the Vermilion Minotaur? Hold on for a second. Did you digest the chicken? We all have Vermillion Minotaur? Why are they all wrong for a burger? Did you digest the chicken? We all have. Well, most of us have been digesting browsers. Oh, oh, oh, no. Oh, no.

Noice. Oh, heck, oh, heck. Guys, hi. Joe, a different part of the use just told me about that. All right, this me. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. So that is just came's me. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey I'll put that album on just send somebody else up there to get it. It's, I'm ill find it. I'll go get it later and I swear to God you said it was keeps these but fine I will bring it back back.

Just give my heads up because I haven't been all the way down there to some of the stuff. It gets major, major, major out there. Well you know, geez guys I'm not sure if you're at all prepared for what you're about to crawl into. Oh, I am prepared. I have prepared for centuries. I have learned, Erie, spell, I have learned everything that I need to know to defeat not only the Dark Lord, but any beast, a minion that to throw itself in my path, and I shall destroy it from outside in if necessary. Great man.

Pride goes before the fall, alright? Well, well, why, what's down on it? Certainly, a little hubris there. I don't know. Great, listen. They say you have to dress for the job you want. True, true, true, you all look great. You're not, I'd say, yeah.

But you're not wearing purple. You're not using the other purple. Why would I be using the purple? purple purple's a color of heavers? No, I don't want the job of being Proud I want the job of being an amazing wizard purple's the color grapes, too That's a good point Now who's what what what sort of thing will we go into? Now who's what what what sort of thing are we going to I wasn't I didn't have anything prepared for you guys. Yeah, well like augy the mantocore. He's cool

You're sure sure if you get to the aug dog down there You'll be pretty cool. You just got to tell him you know the clax is still with you The mantocore yeah, I'll dog dog manacore That's my uncle what your uncle. Yeah, my mom's the mantocore? Yeah, dog dog dog mantocore. That's my uncle. What your uncle? Yeah, my mom's a mantocore Oh Christ the boy having me received a dog here before I Lost us with him. I never talked to him. We had family day last month. No sign of you and I'll give you have any family here for family day I get a penalty. He had a wife who I've never seen. Oh a fox too. I like a little fox. No, no Oh a fox too. I like a little fox. No, no. I'll be more careful. No wife a lady man Accord that he's married to but it but she's a look a Foxy-man to cool. Oh, geez. So you're kin. Oh, yeah

You're kin of the dungeon folk. Yep, absolutely All right, man. Well my cousin Kevin came That was nice. Oh, that is I hadn't heard from him in a while. Is he still alive? Oh, he's very much. Very much. Okay. Is that weird for him? Like just to have a skeleton in a nowhere. That's where I'm. Sorry. Yeah. It's not weird for me. Kevin, you cannot be rude. Honestly, yes. We anything you want. Kevin House Martin or like a different last name. Cousin on a different set. No, Kevin. I was not. Yeah. Yeah. Great kid. great take over the business after you passed. No, I don't forget it is no no talent for craft Is a thinker mine. Yeah thinker kid. Oh, yes, good brain. Good brain. Good. That's good

Now now I have to slay chun sunkle. You know, that's a very good question I would Chun if you could once we get down there. He's on levels seven So just a few more sort of passages down you're probably gonna get a whiff of them first. One of his his tells is this terrible terrible odor. So once you start a smell-man't-core and probably familiar with the smell. Oh yeah. No it's safe for the most part it was like the single digits you can talk your way past a lot of these guys you can

sprint past a lot of these guys. Double digits kill first, ask questions later here. Oh yeah, that's true. I just thought of something, Chuck, we should have brought weapons. Like, we're sorry. We didn't shout out to any of you. I have weapons. You have weapons. I have these claws, I have these teeth. I just got a rope with a microphone or I also have a dagger. Oh, oh, oh, I'm gonna have a mace. Oh great Oh, you were keeping those in your fur pockets. Yeah, oh, okay Okay, that's great. You gotta need those. Yeah, I'll take my sword. Oh, you're a sword be careful with this is heavy I'll use my staff and my magical press Okay, and well if you're not gonna use the dagger or the mace I'm gonna leave these here and I'm gonna use my staff and my magical press. Okay, well, if you're not gonna use the dagger or the mace,

I'm gonna leave these here and I'm gonna use my- Oh, girl. Thor hammer. Whoa! Where are you guys? Hardin' all these things. This is just strap to my back. I've never noticed that.

You've never noticed my war hammer? Never! Chant's usually armed to the teeth. I've never noticed in person or in fan art. Don't you notice anytime I order crab, I'm always smackin' it with that thing? Oh no! And if you're gonna throw me to anybody warn me beforehand,

I'll go elbows first. Okay, no, nice. Throw on three bows. Poity, yeah, pointy. I wouldn't suggest leaving any weapons aside. I would take everything that you can possibly carry. Okay. There's a horrible bitch of a hydra down there.

Oh, that's the hydra that you hate, right? It's a horror show. She's not very nice to lose the shape. See what creature in here that he twos. Oh, oh, yeah, stand up for yourself, man. I've tried we talked about She used to work in a mail room You guys get mail? Well, yeah, we're not animals. You get Merrill. Good Lord. Yeah, I mean, we're gonna dungeon. We don't want to get a pit. Yeah, that's true. Good Lord. Oos, I would love to meet this hydrant cut off her head for you. But you know what happens to to grow back here. Trickers to

maybe maybe if there's a chance that you would get enough ooze inside the hydra, then we would be able to do our business before her horrible effective digestion does her business to us. Oh, then I would carve out a hole inside the hydra. I mean you're acidic. I would, you're very difficult to digest. Yes, yes, yes, absolutely yes absolutely absolutely for everything else in this land. Yeah So for her to be fair She used to not be as bad, but she lost a son. Yeah Since then she's just been tough to do now. I feel I have some pathos for her

That's part of game. That's dungeon life guys. That's dungeon life voice that happens Well, not everything you have to kill down here is evil. Somethings you're going to have to kill down here are a delight. Wonderful things. Really? I gotta admit, all the things I've met in the dungeon so far have not been evil. Oh, actually you're not evil. Oof, you're not evil.

Is anything in it? Augie Doggie isn't evil. Those badgers fucking suck. Yeah. There's a 14 year old girl on 36 who, given half a chance, will offer some cutting remarks dog he is a TV. Yeah, those badgers fucking suck. Yeah. Yes. There's a 14 year old girl on 36 who, given half a chance, will offer some cutting remarks your way. Oh, that's anything.

I think they cut to the quick. Oh, she'll hurt your feelings. She's smart and she come up rich. So, you know, that kind of privilege makes it seem like she knows better. Yeah, he knows everything. But isn't that a prison in itself? I guess so. She grew up in the burbs.

Yeah, so it seems like that privilege is given or something, but in a way it's truly limited. If you're told you about the burbs, it's the burbling seas. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Just outside of town. A lot of rich people live there.

Oh, wow. Doesn't sound very pleasant. Oh no, it's beautiful. Oh, yeah. Anyway, let's talk and pleasant. Oh no it's beautiful. Oh yeah. Anyway let's talk and walk. This is a yeah yeah. You don't mind if I drag this sort. It's a little heavy. Give it back. Hey, when I need it I'll ask for maybe. I'll tell your worker, I'm not gonna follow you. I'm just gonna go back inside the wall and I'll see you every once in a while. I'll be following you up, but may not exactly be me. So next time you see me if I don't remember who you are just give me a couple seconds and I'll

get right over that part of the use. Okay. Okay. Oh wait I think I let me grab this torch I'm gonna move over here and like this torch and that open the door oh wow. Oh this torch. Oh, and that opened the door. Oh wow. Oh, God. I didn't know how it was there. Looks like I did. I didn't know that was there.

Oh, the choppy's got something off her. Amazing. Yeah, the one torch wasn't out, so all you had to do is grab that one, like that. There's, you know, I thought there might be like a little sound, but there wasn't like a good look at it. I can't say, there are so many secret passages so far. Any great. it's like every

Writers wow Smash Wait shit, we didn't talk to any of them. We don't know No, I I lit most of them up with a fireball I'm gonna say there's there me there were just regular spiders. That's a lot more scary than you're yelling about Yeah, that that's that's scared That was killing scared. Sorry. Sorry, I Spiders yeah, I wanted to react. They're gonna be a lot of host spiders

Okay, so little ones yeah, you can't kill every bug. No, I'm ready to do what must be dodged But they're just eaten flies. Otherwise you kill all I mean tons of flies down here. Oh Very clock. Hey who's you get to meet that album back? Wait, we just went over this Check with the rest of the ooze cuz someone told me it was keep cease. Oh that's too ridiculous Why would I give you something that someone told me it was keep cease? Yeah, hey guys. Oh hey, who's? Uh, I was going so far.

We haven't really done anything old. Did they have record albums on it? Yeah, we have like, uh, they play music. Oh, wow. Oh really? Yeah. Huh. What are they doing? What are they doing?

Well, it's a large tome. Use for cord your thoughts in it. Oh, some people put scraps of pictures in there. Oh, it's a crap. It's mostly personal stuff. I have no idea why Clacks would think that you would keep it. I've trapped some of my own thoughts in there now. I've made some of my own thoughts at points in the day. Yeah. Well, why don't we just put it on like a spinny diet so that we can all have one of the done.

You can write their thoughts in it. it. That's not a terrible idea Yeah, I think you're gonna you all get to know each other a little bit better It's like a little bit intimate thoughts It's it'd be like the ooze but with everyone So this is 12 oh Yeah, interesting. Yeah, we just uh Not every bug all right, I just creep me out. All right. Okay. Hey look. There's this big a branch here. I'm gonna push it I'm gonna broke Oh wait, I'm gonna go down the screen pipe. I'll be right back

What he just went down a pipe hey Giant we throw waste down there. Oh, no, yeah That's like the plumbing that's just usually capped you might want to come back up I thought there might be some coins or something He's smell like do do do do do do do do do Yeah, there's usually a lid on that that's not that's supposed to keep that from happening Guys heads up do not go down the green pipe. Oh, I shall not yeah, those were gray when they started those Green yeah

those uh... those are just uh... ooo uh... there seems to be a pattern here on this floor here i'm gonna step on that tile okay clacks go step over on that one to your right yep on it

okay uh... a chunt go go to the one right behind me on it okay now everyone step to your left step to your right take a step forward

yeah and another shuffle to the left. Yeah. All right, the door open. Wonderful. Oh, oh. Dungeons a lot of doors. Yeah, it's a lot of doors. It's mostly doors and hallways.

Yeah. What were you guys expecting? I thought we'd be fighting a lot more monsters, honestly. Yeah, yeah. I forgot. What's taking you so long to get through this? I mostly still eggtights. Guys, what day is today?

Flenz day. Oh A lot of people are on vacation Yeah, that actually yeah, that's good for ease, but you're really not gonna get the full dungeon experience Oh, I'm quality, you know, really about resolve. Oh wait wait wait wait Something on the floor here. It says Only the penitent man may pass Oh wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait Open Finally that guy came in handy for something Neil when it says the pen of tan Neil pen of tan. Yeah, you know Neil Pena chant is there a new pen of yeah, there's Neil pen of chant hello chant. It's okey Onki okey okey. Why didn't you come on family day? I

I just I didn't know I haven't talked to you in a while I feel like it would make for just awkward small talk. very ugly. There's an album up on the upper floor that you can sign now. Oh Is it now? Did you hoard all those savory biscuits from family day? Yeah, I did Is that a problem classic? Yeah, cuz there was 200 of them and then all of a sudden we turned around There were like 20 of them left, you know what most of the things in this dungeon don't even eat Do you eat? I eat my feelings? Yeah, right It's just an old habit for you. You don't need food. Huh. I need food. Do you need food? I don't

But I I eat so much, but I don't need to then let me have some food I But I don't need to. Then let me have some food. I hoard it because you guys, you dissolve it, or you chomp it up and it falls down and you have a big laugh about it because it falls through your rib cage, it looks hilarious. Sounds like a lot of food. But you're wasting food. Did you cleanse your tail?

Yeah. We didn't smell it. Well, I was filling in on 18th today I wanted to make a good impression. Wow. I mean, you look at home. I think you you look at home down here Well, thank you. You're gonna have to battle me to the death Oh I'm showing my friends around

No, I'm feeling in today. I want to show off a little bit. I want to show what I'm capable of I want to move down in the world and crew. I'm coming for you Okay, I'm just gonna step around him Oh, yeah I'm gonna move down in the world. I'm queer, I'm coming for you. Okay, I'm just gonna step around him. Yeah, I'm gonna try it. I'm gonna try it. Thank you for the try. I'm gonna try it. I'm not done trying.

I think as he loses focus and he forgets the lever around, I guess step over something constantly. At some point you just kind of lose track where the use is. Don't lose. All right, he's not gonna hurt me look John I'm sorry that it comes down to this but I think you're gonna have to kill me that that's that's what it is Are you one of your friends here? No, okay? I'm not gonna kill you fair not you Just step up and murder this foul you

Must I announce myself to every creature and beast that presents itself? May I sneak up and I destroy them all, but not to your pain attention. I don't think go for it, man. Go for it. What do you got? Bring it. How about a fireball! All right, well, I'm fireproof, so.

Oh wow. The hell with that? You start getting me your sword. And you take the sword. Alright, that's really heavy. Ugh! Oh, your friend can't pick up his sword, chud. Ugh! My friend's a strong word.

Listen, I'll see how you please. Hey, how about next year I come to Family Day? You know, I write more. Obviously, you know, I didn't know you guys received mail, so... That's my bad. You come to Family Day? I'll come to Family Day, please. Keep them talking boys.

Please. Here, John. I'm gonna give you a savory biscuit. Aw, thank you. And you know what, Clacks here, you can have one too. Aw, I'll watch this. This is hilarious. It's not funny.

Don't watch me while I eat. It's funny. Don't watch me while I eat. It's funny. Now I get shy. Don't watch me while I eat. I know what it's gonna do. You know what it's gonna do?

It's gonna fall down my mouth and whack off my pelvic bone and then it ended up on the floor. But hold on. Just for a moment. Fine, you may pass. Not the only catcher's family. Thanks, I got a E. Love you. Yeah, I love you too, by the way.

Is anybody down? Is anybody down, Laura? Oh, yes. Oh, okay, good. Cause I didn't know how many people were off. I'm gonna go down the shoot What the hi-tra is working today? No Well, we defeated one creature. Yeah, mostly we just refused to engage with it. I shot a fireball right at it

That is true. This sword is heavy. Give it back. All right. There you go. But the lunar sword. I bet how heavy is the lunar sword? Oh, it's there's there's a lot of myth attached to it It might be weightless. Oh good. It's fully fully possible that it is Created just from light But still does the damage is though it's made from you know steel or you know, mithral Yes And my my research would lead me to believe that what this skeleton says to you is true We also have a small

Gravitational a forcer on it. Oh, the whole thing's towards it. Oh As kids we were led to believe it was made of cheese Okay, okay, okay here. I'm coming stuff on down the shoot It's a it's a very tight shoot. I'm sorry. Hey, don't you have to kick me. I'm gonna shrink you. What? Sett us the rock, y'all. Ah!

Drunk in, already in the shoot. Drunk in, already in the shoot. Drunk in, already in the shoot. Drunk in, already in the shoot. Drunk in, already in the shoot. Drunk in, already in the shoot. Shut up. Hi, bitches, it's Denise.

How are you, Denise? I'm fine. How are you? It is doing fine. How are you idiots doing? Ugh. Is this this is the 14 year old girl? Oh, hey, that's what you sound like. Um, excuse me, what's I sure? Does that it's an extra extra large? It's a little tight. It can't be a lunasword. What's a lunasword? She doesn't speak for truth. It is a bit tight. Listen to me now Denise. I'm not as fat as people would guess. Listen to this pie. It is time. Even though you're

super tiny right now, I can still tell that that shirt is tight. I'll make you correct, size again. Gratin' and flattin' thank you. Oh fuck. Worse. What's in your bones here? Is this parts of biscuits? That halter tops inappropriate. you eating some of your feelings huh my halter top is inappropriate. Yeah, so you staring for a girl your age That's inappropriate. It is a woman. No, it's not no It's not as a woman. Don't say that You're all wrong. No, don't you are I respect your eldest any swarrow you on break. Why are you here working? Well, I was gonna go home to Okie,

but I just feel like I don't wanna see my family or anything right now. So I just had something to send me some money. Less super sad. Yeah, I guess it is sad. Where are we? Not to have a family that you wanna go see. I mean, why wouldn't you make a special effort?

Is there something wrong? Is there a hole somewhere? I mean, I guess there's... Go around, or force walk around the room, slow. Yeah, because it started when I was six and I... Well, I needed my mother's foundation, but she never really... Aw, cool.

Good job. Wow, that was... Alright, this is 23. All right. Yeah nice job Well done who they all want to talk about themselves until you just kind of let him and give him their space Point good point. What happened to Chumtho? I'm right here. Oh, oh, hey, sorry I started to hold my war hammer in the front and now I feel like I'm hidden behind it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that thing eclipse is you Oh, I suppose you could have smashed her into blitz with the war primer Yeah, I just talked her out of it. Yeah, I've always started the dungeon as a dark place because it was so far underground

It's dark because it's just emotionally tragic. Yeah, that's the real Hell, hey, the people we've met haven't been evil so much as kind of that. But it's like just sad. Really, unhurt. Yeah. I don't know if it's just a work environment that leads to that. I mean, if we were working in a more cherry place, I imagine. We'd be a more cherry-positive type of person.

What if this had a natural light and grass is not liking and flowing water there's pure and delicious no more stinky green waste pipes. Yeah. But you know what that's not on you guys. That's whoever it runs this dungeon right like they set the tone for this workplace. This dungeon's starting to really feel like a dungeon. Oh for the first time I wrote. Come up guys up here up here. Oh, yeah I'm up here. Whoa. I found if you go past the bricks a little bit here or the rock. There's three pipes I'm not going down. I'm not green. I'm not going down. There's numbers above each one Uh-huh. This one says 50 this one says 75 and this one says 100. Let's just try it Should we go do I there's also a flute here, but I don't play that

Yeah, if you guys want to play that. Yeah, if you guys want to give it a shot, I mean, this is, this is basically as far as I've been, you know, usually I'm toasted by now. So I'm going down one. I was gonna say something. Well, China was going to say I'm going down. Well, Clack said I was going to say, I'll show you your drone there. All right, I'm heading back to the front gate. Okay. Well, thanks so much class I bet as much use as I possibly could frankly. I'm surprised that we all made it this far Clacks Why do you feel like you can't go further? Oh?

It's just this is for formidable formidable foes and creatures of great power and strength and I am what I am. I'm the undead remains of an Opulsterer. It's not my place. You know what, Clax, look at me. Rea-pulster! Clax, look at me. I'm not a hero either. I'm just a slightly overweight guy from Chicago who spent a year and nine months hanging out in a tavern not doing anything. Yeah, what are you doing here? It's a good question. It's a good question. But look, fuck heroes. Adventures can't just be for like the chosen heroes.

Why don't we go and have an adventure? Why can't we get the lunar sword? The possible repercussions of me going further are not nearly as bad as they could be for you. I mean, I've been blown apart and pieced back together a hundred times. I hate to see anything happen to you. I really would. I've grown quite fond of you and your buddies. I mean, I got friends now.

I don't know why I see anything happen. He is the lunar sword worth all that. I mean, probably not, but I said I was gonna do it and I said it a really long time ago. And I said it in front of like listeners and I kind of feel like I'm sort of failing if they don't do it. I haven't done anything. I haven't done anything. That's an oath you must uphold. Ah!

Ah! The! Usador! Well, I got it. What the fuck? Oh, that was amazing. That was the most satisfying moment of my life. That's it.

That was a sad thing. That was a very good thing. I was like, oh my gosh, that hard drum blew apart. It was the most beautiful sort of thing. Wait, you think you've given the hard drum booze. I mean, you stepped up to the play, baby. You can put in your ears. For whatever.

To see a full hydra dissolve while sprouting. It was the most incredible. Oh my gosh. I could not tip it to you without you. No, no. I couldn't have been. I would never be in the room without you two guys. That was amazing.

I feel like that is a bond we have formed us three living through that together. I will never forget this night. I will never forget this moment. I will never forget the two of you. moment. I will never forget the two of you I feel I will never forget the two of you Rejuvenate with purpose is there anything else down there? But I can huh is there like a like like a like a like there's crap Just like a knife or something nice. I don't know is there like a magical

Crown here buddy here here. I think a tourist drop is here's a lunasort I found a little lunasort. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, one up this one doesn't Right, so you write this doesn't weigh anything Thank you and actually those have a small gravitational pull so aren't you? I think everyone that comes near you while you're holding this one will be attracted to you in some small way Hey, who's hold on a second. Don't move My red my Red You got some you clearly have some weird thing about clacks just collecting and keeping a stuff My mom would let me get a piercing so I ran away. Oh, I got a piercing and when I came home my dad grounded me because he was like what are you doing to your face?

Sorry, I had to kill some now that's what it's you know, that's what it's used for although she was pretty young. Yes, he's 14 Yeah So much challenge That that would be redeeming but really just kind of work feel good about yourself to kill no no, I don't Well real hero there aren't I You're gonna buy yourself the kill? No! No, I don't! Ugh, wow. Real hero there, Arnie. I guess, yeah, that's what real heroes do. Alright, I'm heading back up. Oh, God, I forgot.

This is supposed to be your crowning move. I know, this is supposed to really turn things around for me. No more angry emails for old Arnie. I'm not dead. I'm just, oh okay it's detached from my body. Okay here. Can I put your head back on as I help? Could you? Yeah. There you go. I'm sorry. Thank you. Yeah, could you? I bet he can't even. You're funny. You can't even... yeah right.

I'm gonna go home to Okie. Okay. Beehive... Lilas. Lilas. Oh sorry German. I'd left without reading Thank you for joining us in the dungeon. We hope you had a great time if you did tell your friends about us Remember that we are legally not bound to anything that may happen to you here. Please come back any old time Thanks again the staff. We don't need to buy any of these etchings that you made of us again the staff. Uh, we don't need to buy any of these etchings that you made of us. Well, you know, I kind of want the one.

The one I didn't know about the etchings, the one through all the trouble. Yeah, I, yeah. Here's us grabbing the lunar sword. They got an etching right when we grabbed the lunar sword. Here's you jumping into poop dOOM. All right, I'll buy that one. My eyes are closed and most of these etchings. I'll take all of them.

Here you go. Here's some gold. Well, I think the equipment test worked well don't you yeah, yeah, I don't know if I'm gonna ever upload this episode I just don't want people know you killed a 14 and go on earth No, then I tried to kill a 14 year old girl. Yeah, that doesn't look great Oh, no, do you made it very far in the dungeon? You should be very proud of yourself. Yeah, the fact that you left the tavern is amazing You should feel so good about yourself. And now you have a weapon that you're capable of wielding.

Yeah. And we can train with it these next four weeks and prepare you... ...for battle against the Dark Lord. You're right. I'm gonna have so many opportunities to do great things and to help out and to defeat the Dark Lord. We're leaving in four weeks. Mm-hmm. That's a month.

Well, looks like someone read Save the Cat. What a ride! I'm sure we can expect lots more roleicking adventures before we return to the magical equivalent of Fresh Air. Use it all the lighter blue was played by Matt Young if shouting were balloons every word from Matt's mouth is New Year's Eve. turned to the magical equivalent of fresh air. Use it all the lighter blue was played by Matt Young, if shouting were balloons every word from Matt's mouth is New Year's Eve.

Chunt, the King of the Badgers, was played by Adel Refy. Where does Chunt's anemic social life end and Adel's begin? Clacks, the skeleton was played by special guest TJ Jagdowski. Fun fact, through Chicago, TJ is known as a mediocre improviser, passable, but he is known as the strongest. TJ once lifted four people over his head, while orchestrating a transaction scene that negated

many of the rules established in earlier beats. The ooze was played by special guest Paul Grande. Paul is currently taking applications for his six-month improv masterclass, seen painting for every occasion. If the devil is in the details, let Grande drag you to hell. Craig finish up here and give some love to the sound designers. This week, they finally started pulling their weight. Hello from The Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie Neacamp,

Evan Jacober, and Ryan D. Georgie. This one edited by Chris Raphgin, music by Andy Poland, logo by Aller LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox and in this episode Just a whole lot of additional audio effects additional sound design additional being awesome by Jason Knox production assistance by Garrett Schultz visit us at hello from the magic tavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter Thanks to Chicago podcast co-op and ear wolf if you've been living under a rock and have not heard about the magic tavern spin-off podcast offices and bosses, go to how.fm slash magic to listen to it. It's already been really great, really funny. I mean, I know I'm sort of biased because I'm always listening to these guys in the space station, but then also I'm sort of an expert because I

listen to them so much, and this is really good stuff. So you're going to want to go listen to it. And in fact, you can listen to it right now. Here's a clip from the second episode with Crom the Finn Gary in playing Off the Sampasses. I was gonna say Crom, as you're at the bar, Aaron approaches you. Aaron, the brown head? Yes, brown head guy Aaron approaches you. And I said, wow, I heard about your, uh, uh, uh, uh, approaches you. And I said, wow, I heard about your buddy, John. That's too bad. Yeah. Terrible. What's the marketing department going to do? It leaves a big gap.

Yeah, it does. I'm sure they'll have to find some way to fill that in. Yeah, it's a shame. If only they could find someone that knew how to speak to the more technical components of the company, you know, who had the language of the technical side, but the marketing skills, the creative mind of a marketing manager. Well, that's, I mean, that really is a core competency, you know, it's nice to hear you say those kinds of things. Maybe we should have a face-to-face sometime. I would love that.

Okay. Can I get something on your calendar? Sure. Yeah. You know what? Here. Here's my phone right here. I'm going to run to the bathroom. Will you watch my calendar? Sure, yeah. You know what, here's my phone right here. I'm gonna run to the bathroom, but you watch my phone. Sure, I'll look after your phone

when you're in the bathroom. If you wanna hear more or figure out what happened in the first episode, all of the episodes are gonna be available on howl. The Ear Wolf app, just go to howl.fm, slash magic, and sign up today. Well, I'm sort of like the pitchman of the show these days, huh?

Do you guys think I could parlay this into a career in advertising? When I get down off the space station, which will happen? It's gonna happen. I'm gonna get home, so I don't...it's gonna happen. Okay, so that's what I'm talking about. you