Hello From The Magic Tavern - 97 - Kobold

Episode Date: January 30, 2017

Time to stock up on supplies for our quest. And we've met a kobold who's selling stuff.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungTraach: James D'AmatoBlemish:Martin WilsonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Fantastic parallel dimensions don't exist. There are five lights. Now enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this was going on. I'm from Earth. I fell through dimensional portal into the magical end of Foon, I was

to podcast in this tavern with a badger and a wizard, also we have a lunar sword. And I'm joined as always by my buddy, my co-host, Chunt, the King of the Badger. Yeah. How you doing bud? I'm doing okay, you know, saying that out loud sounds really sad, the badger, but yeah, that's the reality of it. No, yeah I'm sorry Do you want me just to go back to Kanye talking badger? No because I'm a shapeshifter that's insensitive but regardless I still wear my crown and I'm proud to be King, but yeah, I mean

Ever since we got out of the dungeon. I've been seeing a lot of badgers around town Yeah, they're back in town because they have no place to hide. Yeah, they're look kind of fucked up They're all very badly burned And pissed and they're they're not really they don't talk to me like I'll say hi and they just kind of stare ahead Yeah, more they'll give me stink eye like I'll turn around and catch them give me stink eye But you know what to be fair a lot of them are blind now Like a lot of them like have just like acid burns. of them, like, have just, like, acid burns. Oh, I was gonna say it looks like they're looking through me.

That would make sense. Yeah, a lot of, like, cannot see. Oh, gotcha. I guess that's better. Yeah, that's better. Is it? Yeah. Things aren't so bad. No. Yeah. But, uh, yeah, you know, I'm not sure what lies ahead. But for now, I'm King of the Badger. I may pursue other animal opportunities. But but um, you know, I'm from here. How are you doing? I'm doing great. I mean, congrats on the Lunar Sword. Thank you. I mean, I know I had very little to do with it, but I'm just excited

that our band of adventurers has like one of the most powerful swords in Fune. Oh yeah, and it only took us, I mean, what was it, a couple days? From when we first mentioned the Lunar Sword and then we got it, I feel like like it was time flies it felt like a few days. Yeah, not very long if that yeah, oh barely anytime at all Mm-hmm. I'm being sarcastic. Oh, what's that? Hey, care for buddy. I gotta learn sword. Hey, I'm also joined by the wizard I am using all wisdom I love a busy as master of white and shadow many be later magical of magical lights, the power of Chaos Champion of the Great Halls of Trockus, the host no me is fiend, y'all.

Thank you. The dwarves no me is zoning in, who extinguishes. And I am no, no, no, no, the north east is gasp. Morrhenius me, sir, who, and there may be other names. Names of such great portent power that... the very thought of them would make you quick in your boots. I, if those letters did form into a core lessons in nine mind, and did take some shape, I, in the form of the name that I do keep hidden from the, then surely your brain would begin to rot from the inside out.

Does that happen to you if you think your own name? No, I'm cool. You can think, you can think any of your names. Speaking of does that happen to you, I learned another one of you store secret names. What's that? Mr. Uoggy. What's that again? Mr. Uoggy.

Mr. Uoggy? Where are you learning these names? Yeah. My theory continues to be used or that you have so many names that really any random name that Chant would throw out is probably true. I mean, it's got to be a good chance that it's a good chance for sure. Like Soda Pop and Daddy. But shut up for a moment.

I was just at the bar and I grabbed back these drinks because I was speaking to, there's a playa of goods and weapons and armor here tonight. What's that, Sato Poppandetti? I think that's not my name. There's a supplier of goods and an armor in and weapons here in the bottom line. Can I was just speaking to him at the bar? Oh, is it an armor dillow? It's not an armor dillow. Also, can we just face Arnie and say shut up for a second? Can we do that? Yes. Wow.

Thank you for giving me permission to do that. I didn't know we could do that. Of course, shut up, Shunt. Now, we must invite this gentleman over here. He must help us prepare for our quest because we leave, but in three weeks. I know. We're gonna leave Hogs face and go off to fight the dark Lord Yeah, we got a lunar sword, but we probably need my Well you guys got the lunar sword, but I am currently holding the lunar so because we're letting you hold the You're letting me a couple hours every day you let me hold the lunar sword and I have a battle hammer

Wow, it's true. It's amazing. It's so weird that I never noticed that before. Yeah, I guess you just were looking right. I guess so. But we yeah, let's get more bring bring this then dude over. We need more equipment. That's it. Sir, please come join us all here in the town. Oh, okay. Yeah. Whoa. Hey, speak right into that thing. As you have already started to do. Oh, what's this? It's a microphone. I don't want to talk about have already started to do. Ooh, what's this? It's a microphone.

I don't want to talk about it. It's just a magical speaking device. You should direct all of your comments. Oh man! Oh man! Man, how much does this typically go for? Oh gosh. Yes, how many coins does a voice catcher cost?

Oh, it depends if you want a really high quality one or just like a cheap one. Maybe let's sell these to buy more equipment to fight the Dark Lord. I'm buying. Nice to meet you guys. I'm chun, for nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. I'm trash. No, don't say that by yourself. What's your name? That's the name. Oh, we were all in my community where it granted names by the great dragon tyrant and He gave me this name upon my birth and I I wear it with pride. Oh, yeah. I yes trash This is chunned an Arnold it's Arnie. Hey trash. What are you? You're like a little

You're very tiny. I am what is known as a cobalt. A very crafty race of sentient vermin. And we serve the great dragon tyrant in all of his devious deeds. With his dark will, we spread evil and villainy across the land. Oh, so another evil we got another evil guest. You never met a cobalt before? I've never met a cobalt! I suppose they usually go to the small-drained widow,

it seems like more of their scene. I mean, it was. It was. It was great! We were on top of the world! We were serving the most powerful dragon in all of food! Oh, yes. Well, that's the thing's changed. Everything's changed. Until the thing's changed everything. The Dark Lord came along. Yes. He killed the dragon Tyrant. He killed the great dragon Tyrant.

Right in front of us. All the younglings were there and they watched him bleed out was terrible and now we are selling all of this stuff Oh, oh, so is that how you got into the the supplying? Yes. Yes. Yes. I'm no longer I'm no longer trashed No, Lee now. I am trashed the mercantile. Oh wow Yeah, oh, Tim I like yeah, well, I'm very sorry to hear about your dead dragon, but I'm excited to hear what you got for sale All right, well, what-what-what-what you guys gotta tell me? What are you doing? What-what are you planning to do? I want to make sure that I provide everyone of my customers with a bespoke experience. Come in close trash and list me now.

Okay? We are preparing to embark on the greatest quest of this or any other age. I, for we shall battle and defeat that very dark lord of which you spoke. Your cadence is really doing this for me. Yes. Yes, we shall take a palms, a strong band of men, who have men, strong men, children, that make up artists. We don't have all of those things. Do we have an elf? We have Pimbley Nimble bottom. We have an imp. Yes. Guys, I'm gonna level with you.

The Great Dragon Tyrant has been a hoarder for years. The cave is filthy. Sad. Filthy with magical weapons, strange artifacts. With the cobalt community, we've been testing them out. We've been going through them seeing, you know, what each thing does I only Know what a certain amount of the tyrants hoard Actually did true trash can I ask you a question? Of course you knew this this dragon this great dragon that you worship for a long time

Yeah, what do you think led this dragon to hoarding? It's a slow descent, you know He used to be the reigning terror of food. Oh, sure women and children would would whisper his name in the darkness fearing his is mighty wrath and He got old, you know, huh. Yeah, he also went through a bad divorce. Oh, that would do it Yeah, you're like I can throw this away. This reminds me of when I was married Yes, a lot of a lot of how's my dragon? I'm pressured by the way pretty good. I mean from the dragons I'm pretty really well ready not bad. Yes, the cold balls They tend to forget this because they're so busy washbin the dragon but dragon

He was just in a bad relationship. There's just going nowhere. They didn't have anything to calm anymore Well, that's not exactly true. He used to go on and on about how she was the one that got away Well, yes, I suppose she was but she decided to leave. They were just Sitting there staring at their gold all evening and their comfortable chairs You know, you know, there was no spark there anymore. Sure. I got a I got a pinnit on the comfortable chairs personal They hadn't got such comfortable chairs. He wouldn't have settled in and he would have still been a contender, you know those were amazing huge Chairs trash when I'm going in a battle which is soon. I'm looking to do three things All right, and this might help you with the inventory. Yeah. Yeah. I'm looking to outrun one. I'm looking to outlast too

I'm looking to hit him quick get off fast. Check a block. Sorry. Okay. Okay guys I think I got something for you for any any quest any fellowship any army that you're raising What's more important than anything and I know this for decades? Latreans serving well, yes, Latreans for decades. Latreans. Serving. Well, yes, Latreans. Latreans foremost, so you can write that at the time you're listening.

Sure. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait You know a fan sent me some post it notes that I could write things down on and I wake up every morning We are where where did those posted notes go? I mean with everything going on that's been like the biggest you know Birdon on my shoulders. It's been weighing me down. Where are these people now chance let him speak? I want a chance Shut up for a second Have you checked your basement? Usually that's where stuff ends up, you know in the cave I would have never been in our basement. I've never been in the tavern's basement. We should go down there Oh, I I don't think that's the best idea. That's where um

The boy spends all his time Meads go on blanish needs for everyone Sure, it was much whispering about this table So I thought I would deliver these needs myself we were planning a surprise birthday party on me yes yeah when you're birthday next week what next week oh blemish oh here let me I'm just gonna dangle the string in front of his mouth no this is just looking a string oh I thought I was gonna cut out but he's just Here let me I'm just gonna dingle the string in front of his mouth

Let me look I'm excited about your birthday next week, but I've got to say we've I've told you when we're recording the podcast Please don't come over the table. That's why despite the fact you've been in the tavern every week for the last two years You haven't been on the podcast in a long time. I tried to stay away, but I thought perhaps my birth there was creating such whispers. Oh, yes, you're exactly right. We're always freeing about your birth. They were so excited to. What a careless, you're always freeing about your birth there right now. So you'll spoil the surprise. Needs for all.

Scum the meat. She'll flow. She's got the lofts. Oh! Now that's a nice guy. the surprise needs for all needs shall flow they shall flow off scuffle off Now that's a nice guy that's what a great guy he's alright. I don't know you just put me at ease really so I'm sorry trash you got interrupted so the the main thing the main thing that an army needs is a sense of style right well first is latrines well first is latrines and then a sense of style right well first is Latreans well first is Latreans and then a sense of style And and this magical item is gonna tie right into that because I've got for you a bone see

a Bonesy yes, it appears to be just a normal fragment of bone But when planted in the ground it will grow a tree made of bones. Oh, I've been a float. Yes. What, how would we, what would that do for us? Ha, good question. Good question. What it would do if you planted in a graveyard, there's a one in chance. It seems like it was really vamping for time.

What is there? There's a one in ten chance. It will grow a monkey skull. Uh-oh. And then with the monkey skull, we... If we plant the monkey skull, when we get a monkey skull... I tell you, your mind is already a light with options.

So you plant the bunseed to get a bunseed? To free, to hopefully get a chance to the monkey skull, which you would bury in chance that you might raise a monkey army. At no age range. You raise a bush. Guys, guys, guys! You're going to abstract with this. It's about style. You use the bones to decorate your armor. Yes. It's a great way to do it. I mean unless you guys wanted to just kill a bunch of people and kids and whatnot. But then you have to skin the people and dry the bones So a bone tree would be useful. It's a good way faster. Could we just buy some bone armor? I mean do we have the time? I like grow our own all right our mr. practical over here

That's all right because I've got another great item for you This one we tested this one for months before we figured out what it does. This is a healing rock. Uh oh, I love rocks. Now, this works like most here. Here you want to hold it, use it to do it. You might be the first person to use this.

I can feel the magic aroma on the track now. Yes, yes, you can feel the healing magic in order to activate the healing properties of this rock. All you have to do is bash it very hard against the face of whomever is injured. Oh. And it will hurt them like a normal rock, but also heal them at the same time.

Oh, that seems counterproductive. How do you feel today, Hon? I feel, oh boy. I feel he seems unsure I'm I mean no help. I'm fine. I'm feeling healthy as healthy as I ever have Well if I have to be honest, I'm feeling a bit of the room it is in myself So does it heal any more than it hurts? Ah! And see, look, the wound is causing up! Oh, he's hanging brain, he's hanging brain. Literally. So does it heal any more than it hurts? Yes, slightly more.

I don't think I quite took here. Kwaa! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ah! Wonderful. Huh. Those gruffs. Yes, but well worth it. Now, a trash, I have a question through. Of course! You guys are really inquisitive!

Are you mentioned that, sir? I- there are many things in the... the hoarding pile that you've yet not identified. Can we get like a... like a real sweet deal on some of that stuff you have an identified you? Oh, so you want to want to sort of a mystery grab. Yeah, grab bag. Oh, wow Like put a bunch of mystery stuff in a crate and then just like

Send once a month just send us a crate of stuff and we're like we don't know what we're gonna get We'll open it Great opportunity because it combines my love with random things with the excitement of getting something new every month. Yeah, I've seen the pile that we have. There are so many recognizable foolish brands. Oh, yes, that have put their stuff in that pile. Do it by theme. Sure. Yeah. That'd be right. Or you could do, I don't know if this is something you've thought about, but I just was struck with inspiration. Maybe you go on the road You have this like a like a horde road show and people bring you their treasure and like what is you know

I found this in my grandpa's attic and you're just like well, you know This is a gem worth you know thousands or sometimes it's like this is just a flask. Oh, that's the desiccated corpse of your grandfather That's why it was in his attic. Yeah. Oh, oh that's a great idea we've gotten really good at assessing things maybe that's the direction my people need to take now that that our god is dead trash the mercantil becomes trash the assessor trash is hot garbage oh i like that i like that a! What about in the terms of weapons? Like, you know, because Arnie has a little bit of sword buds, you know, depending on if it's waxing or waning, make sure that we have some back to the back.

Oh, wow! Wait a minute! This sword has been getting smaller! You've reeled the lunar sword! I do! Okay, guys, I- Watch this! Woo! Oh!

Do you have a heliosword by any chance? So I'm looking to make a set. Okay, I don't have anything like that, but I have been sort of pitching you guys. Well, ball stuff, ah, because you know, I don't know you. I don't know who you are, but now that I know you got the lunar sword. You don't know who we are. I am Yusudah, Wizard of the 12th Real Muffeasy, As Master of Light and Shadow, Minipilator of Metal Lights,

Demaur of Chaos, Champion of the Great, Paws of Turakas, the Elves of the Asfying Yalk. The dwarves of the Asfying Yalk, the dwarves of the Asfying Yalk, the dwarves of the Asfying Yalk, and I am known in the North East as Gassamwinius Mastar, and don't bother coming over here, we're just talking about your birthday again.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you go by the name Mr. Oggie? Yes, I go by that's what I know you that's where I know you from yes the Cobos no Yeah, that's where I know you from yes, of course, okay, all right I got a good one for you guys you guys are gonna like this okay this is a bowl of watery dead Okay, this is a bowl of watery death See this is sort more of a subtle weapon I look at a person like you and you struck me as NFD our type

Fucking done running. It's a really common for that. That's what I said. That's a really common phrase here. Yeah, that's fair This is something that you use if you're a craftier sort. This bowl operates as a normal bowl. It's very attractive and decorative. But when filled with water, it will instantly shrink down the person who put water in it to a diminutive size and they will fall into the bowl and drown. Damn! Wow. You know, I wouldn't mind, you know, having a quick bowl before we go in a battle.

I might make me get going where, you know, be a little off my game, but nothing wrong with it. Sure. Okay, guys, what can I say to get you into this ball today? Now, I have a question. Wait, when do we die in this ball? I mean, only if you filled it with water. You would trap. You would trap only if you filled it with water

Trapped in a weapon egg yolks or flower anything like that will be fine But if any water gets in there you're going in the ball Can you give me an example of us like I get walk me through a scenario of someone killing someone with this ball I just need to I just I don't really see it here. I'll grab it. Let's bowl play Okay, dude dude dude do I got a bowl. So I am a bunch of bandits and I have ambushed you. Get on the ground and give us your possession. Here you go. Oh this bowl is so dirty why don't you wash it. Oh he's right I don't want a filthy bowl I'll just fill it with water here. Oh no I'm drowning dead. That's pretty good. Yeah, also I don't know if we told you, Arnie,

when you're in battle with someone, it's customary to talk in very stilted voices. Oh, okay. Like this, you talk like this. Wait, wait a second, I want to know more about the wet bandits. Okay, well I did work out a short back story for the wet bandits while we were ball playing there. The wet bandits left home

originally to become a troop of actors but in order to afford stage materials they had to start stealing. Sure. When they left home do they accidentally unintentionally leave like their child home alone? Oh my god our note get out of my head. It's Arnie, but yeah. They did leave their child home alone and their wives as well. They were insistent on this dream. Somehow alone, I mean, they're alone together. But really, fuck! Let me just throw a pink in at my head. Blamash!

I want this devon painted black for my birthday party. So he's been saying for days, he keeps saying paint it black. And he obviously magicked the door somehow to where the handle is red hot, so be careful on your way out, everyone. Yeah, you really turned this tavern to shit a little bit, Flannish. I feel great here. I don't know. I've received absolutely no comment cards or negative ratings posted to any trees in McChingle Shane's forest

Really because I feel like there's not really a buzz about this place. Yeah, I feel like we keep losing customers of the smoldering Widow the Vibilian miniatives the hub of more than you can imagine great people come through the doors of the Vibilian Miniatar name five Tony one. Oh Tony Tony's been been here on get Tony a number of times. But that I mean, that's peruse. You know, Tony Tony Tony, Tony every time he comes to the door, I feel like we make a big deal. He's nobody. Who else? Also Tony and Tony two, three. So all right, why it with the night? Yes, they've only been used. But to be fair, one of those tonies doesn't count because it's just a goblin that Yusinor roleplayed as.

That's right. I count it. Did you have a good time? Zonen in character as Tony? Yeah, I had the grandest of times. Oh, now I understand the goblin life a little bit better. I did spend but a day walking in their shoes. But back to your list. Wait a second. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know we keep the

I know we're really jumping around a lot here. And you guys are really frenetic. Well, let's take a quick break. We're gonna try and run Blumish off. It will be right back. Alright, I'm excited. I'm so excited to learn more about what other items you've gotten that you're just like your fire sale from the dead, your dead dragon god. I mean, don't bring it up. I'm sorry. It's okay when we- Is it- what is it like to have your god die like definitively? Ha a little bit liberating because he would visit Misery upon my people just sure the flick of his tail. I mean common greetings are made great dragon tyrant

Crusher bones may the great dragon tyrant shower you with suffering may be great dragon tyrant eat you from the legs up. Yeah But on the other hand, you know, it's sad. Yeah, it's really sad. Well, when you realize your dragon god is just like one of us, you know, just a slob, like one of us, just a stranger, you know, on a cart trying to make his way. That's really a good found. Yeah. Oh, thank you. Now, uh, so what sorts of greetings do you have now then or do you are they just part of the vernacular? You used to say ones even though they have no meaning. I mean, sure, it doesn't really mean anything.

Right. You, I can't imagine starting the day without telling my co-worker, may the great dragon tyrant spit upon your grave and burn the memories of your ancestors. I mean, who was the living a world where no one says something like this is to have it now? Yeah, it's like you stub your toe and you just say it even if you don't believe it anymore Right right right And you know he could come back What's that he could come back? Oh, did dragons come back alive? I mean we live in a magical crazy world

I have no idea what the Lord does But you know what excuse me crazy. We live in a magical world. Hey, you make perfect sense to me Use it or his god died. So he sees it as a magical crazy world. It's out of control Those that would be upsetting how upset would you be if I died kind of a parent? I was a little I was medium upset. Oh, yeah You said or died yes, I always forget about you said or you're you're a wizard How would you feel if a conspiracy of birds and wind and air died, you know? Oh, what? Yeah, that's can't happen. I mean you think that now me that now speak not such a thing the birds are eternal

The air cannot be defeated the wind and the fire and the Water and the elements that did conspire to bring me together shall always work together in tandem. I, in any near future, just fall in his quest. I, some other being of great power shall rise in my place, and take on the quest in my place. More means... Oh! Man, what a great guy! Maybe like a chocolate cake.

Yay, chocolate cake for all sliders of chocolate cake. Yeah, chocolate cake for all slices of chocolate cake. Yes, a dark chocolate cake that seems like the thing you would like. Though Otaq Bollyford was not my god but my master. When he died, I did sing a lock. And dance about the midnight moon nude and Michingleshane for it. Were you- were you listening? You're listening just now? What?

No. why? Which is you seem to respond to the thing we had said prior to your arrival. I return to the bakery. And we don't know that Otock is dead. I mean, we should look into that. Maybe we should do that a long way during our quest. A long the way, side quest,

figure out what's going on with Otock. I'll make an up to it. You guys going on a quest, you probably need cell swords, right? People to fight at your side. Yes, just really, absolutely. Okay, this is good. This is gonna make you guys really, really happy. Okay. I recently encountered a group of warriors who have lost their king.

Huh? He was merely greedy and foolish. No. And he led the kingdom to ruin, but they need someone else to lead them. Wonderful. And these guys are good, they're tough. I met them, they're covered in burns. They they they would clearly been battle damage.

It looked like they had been dungeon diving for weeks. They better be tough because I know in the past I've been sold some soft self swords and they just fault. I mean at the first you know Side of a battle they fold no no no no no you you don't mess with these guys these guys are the toughest of guys and You're gonna love this especially you their badgers Just a whole army of badgers Fuck

So wait to mend this bridge here chunch. I don't want to talk to him. All right fan-off Yeah, we're gonna have to pass on the badgers. Oh Okay, okay, okay never get frustrated. That's what that's what they train us never get frustrated Tell you all about your trading Yeah most of the mercantile cobalt Most of the mercantile cobalts go out on the street and we just ask people if they have a minute for magical artifacts. Oh, yes. So we'll be standing on a street corner and somebody will be coming down.

We'll go, hey, do you have a minute for magical artifacts? Just a minute? I always say yes. I just love it when people want to talk to me. Well, we can't buy those sell swords. We have a bit of a history. Okay, okay. This is troubling because I believe that there is a need for an army and I fear those badges may fill that hole. No, I mean, guys, I want to come in. If they go on the quest and I can't go on the quest. No, no, no. I have friends. I have... I don't know if I ever told you about my friend. I have a friend.

His name is... and this son's dumb. His name is Fire-propelled Explosive Raccoon. He can help out. I can give... you know, I can write him a letter. propelled explosive raccoon you can help out I can give you know I can write him a letter I have so many friends who can help out you must understand me chant it is not for my quest that I fear that Badgers may pick up the sword but for that a quest of the goblins that is gone so a rise of late No, you know what the what's going on with the goblins haven't seen it wasn't that one goblin was gonna try to kill me I've been scared for a while and I haven't She never came back user would you put that on the list save Arnie from death by goblin? Yeah, but I haven't seen any goblins in a while. I haven't seen any goblins usually they come in once a week when they're allowed in the tavern

I haven't seen any goblin. I might I might know something What's up you said you had your usually will like is very giving with any information he has like you can't Do you remember when I sort of I cast a dangerous spell that brought you back to food and sent your wife hurtly back to earth? What's this now presumably to find a better mate? That I feel like I remember that already shut up for a minute shut up for minutes on it Now presumably to find a better meat. I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I- And pull you back in place of Sarah and create a direct link between me and her so that I can appear to her is a spectral form and now I fear that in that moment it's possible that most of the god of the army ended up in Chicago. Sorry. Is this not something new with my posted notes? I don't think so. I suspect that Glemmish just took those and is doing something nefarious with it.

Yeah, he's always down in the basement. What's going on with that guy? We can't allow in this big cave. Ah, there he is. Ah. Thank you for the cake, blemish, but it's- Suck the moist just straight out of your body. That doesn't seem pleasant at all. Mmm. But it's been quadruple- ...maked. Well, all right, I'll give it a try.

Blemish, will you go in the back and wash this bowl? Ah, what a delight for bowl. Oh! Really attractive bowl. I can find many a delight for bowl. Oh really attractive bowl. I can find many use for it. I just took it. I'm feeling he's not going to put water in there. You have to pay for that. Yeah we have. You know you have to have that. Now. Let me see. Make me we bring me a A fortification on the shore With my utmost Plesio No, he's gonna come in that drink Well trash, I guess we bought a bowl from from you is there how if we were really into any of the other items Actually, I'll take that the bone seed. I'll take that because if there's a chance if there's like a one and ten chance of getting like a monkey bone like

Who doesn't want a monkey bone? Hmm a lot of people do not like monkey bone disagree. Yeah, trust people consider monkey bones a cult classic item sure Oh, yeah, yeah, how much for the bone seat? Okay Keep calm keep calm To go one go Deal here you go I feel like he are ripped off He's cheering on that really hard I feel like if you I am very impressed by your business prowess here at 10,000 gold pieces

For 1000 of your mystery grab bags No, you said or this all over wait. That's all of our supply money. Yes, when we need supplies Oh, you're not gonna regret this you're not gonna regret this at all. Oh god No, you could have gotten half off if you had a secret code Great well, I just hope that each of those crates at least has one t-shirt in them China, if you got any emails this week or actually I did find a package here Let me this is a pretty hefty package says this is from Jared Kay Anderson Says dear hello from the magic tavern team congratulations. Hello from the magic tavern has been selected as the 2016 winner for best trained Symmensional tavern based podcast in the categories of nonfiction and buttheme programming holy crap

And there's a giant very nice glass award that says oh Present a little from magic tavern nonfiction buttheme categories in appreciation for your outstanding work You are aggressively listenable. Oh wow. How many trans-dimensional tavern-based podcasts are there on earth? I don't know. Well, where the the best. We I guess so. That's amazing. That is very convincing looking. That's very official looking. This looks like it got way too much. Yeah. Uh, genuinely, you're gonna have to put down your Instagram. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you can follow me on Instagram at Chuck Baby. Yeah. And you can follow me on Twitter located in the village of Twatertown at Yusadorador the Blue, or you can sing to a bird.

Tell us your sweetest and finest secrets. Tell it all your heart desires. Then kiss a rock ever so gently upon its lips I look hard and long to find that rock slips Then throw the rock out of a window make sure the bird follows the rock directly into a well And they shall find me to give me all my sige. I know you keep the podcast or not a visual medium But if you're wondering yes, you said or had a huge boner during that whole explanation. Oh that means all the all the blood rushed out of his head Let me grab this rock and heal him There you go. I had a boner through most of the episode While we're saying things that people should do online you should definitely go to howl.fm Slash magic sign up for howl and get offices and bosses our spin-off podcast where we played played the role playing game offices and bosses you guys play Owen B

Oh, we love Owen B. Yes guys. This has been a really transformative experience for me. I want you to know Oh, it's a great glad day art trash. You're not so bad. You're not so bad either. I don't know if I got your name Oh, it's okay. You're just introduced two times to me. My name is Chuck. Oh, Chuck man. It's so much easier to remember his name use the doors yeah And his name Arnie I got it. I got them all wait. He's pointed Lemmish Your fornication on the beach chunt

in this commemorative bowl two cats at once. Oh, terrible. Wait, how's he still alive? Does it have to be water? It's got to be water. It's got to be water. It's fucking bowl.

I feel like it might come in handy. But everything's got water in it. Like I could just dump a bunch of raisins in there. There's so little water over here. Oh, look at Mr. Science over here. There's no water. There's no rais Mr. Science over here. There's no water Raisins. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. That's called grapes dude. The phonication on the beach has no water What so that's now fucking dry for occasion?

That's the worst trash. What a bone dry. What if I spit into the balls? Is that considered activation? Expect our test not water. It was very leisure getting things started. Let's go. Do we have another email to read? Yeah, oh hey, yeah. Here's one. Uh, I'm now on episode 10, but I'm not sure how far I'm going to listen. So riddle me this. Riddle me this. How much sex talk is there in episodes 11 through 92? Does it line up at all? No. Or do we just delve more and more deeply into whatever odd sexual behaviors the inhabitants of Foon Engage in? Thanks. Bill Quattier.

Get many of these email missus. We do, we get a lot. And that's the one that you decided to read. That's the one I decided to read. Okay, because I'm just hoping this person stuck it out. And he said his name was Bill Quattir I mean, that's the best I could guess. I wonder if I should put super in my butt. That reminds me trash. How do you do it? Oh? We've got cloacas.

What's that? No. It's one hole for everything. Oh, like a like a like a chicken. Yeah, sorta. I'd love more detail Oh, I can give you more detail. I always thought it was pronounced cloaca. No, cloaca is for chickens cloaca is for cobalt Oh, I love that old nursery rhyme. Glouacas off a chicken. Cloacas off a cobalt If you like this story, then you a kind of rib-alled That's it. All right. We got one more email. Hi Arnie, I just caught up with the podcast. It's pretty great. Have you checked on your car lately?

A while ago in one of the no Arnie episodes, I forget which, it is mentioned that the Dark Lord may have found and stolen your car and is now using it to traverse FUN. I just wasn't sure if Chunt or Yusidor had mentioned it to you. Thanks a lot. Patrick Bradshaw. Yeah, I don't know. Someone has mentioned that the Dark Lord got a lot. Patrick Bradshaw. Yeah, I don't know. Someone has mentioned that that the Dark Lord got a car from a single-shane forest where my car is, but my car is still there.

So I don't know what that's about. Is anyone listening to the current episodes? I don't think so. Or do people give up at a certain point? I feel like somebody's playing a prank on you because they said, have you checked on the car lately? And I know a few months ago, I got a letter and it said, have you checked on the car lately? And I know a few months ago I got a letter and it said have you checked on the children? And I just kept getting more and more letters Instead of have you checked on the children?

And I looked at the envelope and it was addressed from the tabern. Oh, real letters were coming from inside the tabern. Yeah Someone pull blemish That is a coming from inside the tavern. What do you mean? Have I checked on the children? What are you doing in the basement? I don't know what you're talking about. I I'm not doing anything in the basement What if I go down there and pull up the floorboards. What am I gonna see don't go near Basement what I like about this guy sees direct. He's tells you what's on it. All right, honey I have three or four of your stupid posted notes left take them take them. Thank you. There they are all right You've got the rest of them now! Kaleikas are for chickens, Kolek is for cobalt,

if you like the story, then you sort of rebald. I like that too. It feels like there's more to it. That's it! Isn't it fun listening, knowing now that Arne could be sent home at almost any time? It's like when JK Rowling introduced time travel into a world hinging on one preventable incidents. Usador the Lighter Blue was played by Matt Young, the Chris Cooper of podcasts, supportive

probably not taking home the gold, Chant the King of the badger, was played by Adel Rathai, the adnorten of podcasts, no amount of diminishing return talent as worth this many arguments. Blemish was played by Martin Wilson, who performs with the improvised Shakespeare company, but get this, he only performs like once a month because he has eleven daughters, I think, and he only plays the eight o'clock show because apparently having all the testosterone in your body slowly morph into Rose Petals is exhausting. Trash The Cobold was played by special guest James D'Motto. James is the co-creator and host of the One Shot Podcast, where improvisers play different

role-playing games each month. He also stars on the campaign podcast, all of which can be found at oneshotpodcast.com Ah, the dimensional displacement scan is complete. Reading, reading. Oh, great sweaty black holes. Oh, what now? It's worse than I thought. When Usador spills swapped Arnion's Sarah between dimensions, he sent every goblin in Fune to Earth.

Yeah, Usador just said- Yes, I know Usador just said that in the episode, but now we have science to back it up and what we're learning is that science matters. What I still don't know is what those goblins displaced. What from Earth is now in Foon? There are a lot of them, whatever they are. Greg, I'm going to narrow the classification prism, take the wheel.

Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie Neekamp, Evan Chikovar, and Ryan D. Georgie. This one edited by Ryan D. Georgie, music by Andy Poland, logo by Aller LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistants by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at a lowfromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op, and Ear Wolf. And while he's distracted, I think this is the perfect time for another episode of... Craigcast!

the perfect time for another episode of Craigcast. This is Craigcast, welcome back to the program Robot Arnie. Thanks Craig, yeah, I'm Arnie, a real human, and in no way a robot, D-D-D-Quite, meant to make you think the show isn't real. Great, great, what's that like? I eat and talk and power down at night just like you. Super, now you wanted to talk about offices and bosses, is that right? Yeah, we are really excited about offices and bosses, our Magic Tavern spin-off series on Howell.

It's got a lot of people's favorite characters, Flower, Cromb the Fingarian, the Singing Sword. It's really just more of the Magic Tavern you already know and love. And you brought a clip? Here's a clip from Episode 3 with the Singing Sword. Oh, I'm gonna roll for slowly back away so that they're alone. Uh, seven? Okay, you kick your chair over.

Oh, I'm clanking doors. Classic rolling. Sorry, sorry about them. Yeah, he's awkward. I'm gonna, um, say I have to go to the bathroom. I should actually roll for that. Um, actually go ahead and roll. Let's see how convincingly you have to go to the bathroom, but she

16 she believes you she really she doesn't she doesn't think it's like a thing Sword have you ever to swords go to the bathroom? No, but I've seen Jack do it. Oh You see By Oh, you seem so excited. I am right by where you're in the show. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. You've got a real close up view of it. Oh, yes. What's happening?

Is it exciting for you to be in a world where you yourself can go to the bathroom? It is. I'm enjoying myself immensely. No, great. Although I don't know if you're that was just a story that Gail was telling. I don't know if Gail really had to go to the bathroom or not.

I think Gail, I feel like I can really get in character. And she, a little bit, had to go to the bathroom for real, but maybe was just trying to support her friend, John Sebastian. Great stuff. How do I, a simple Craig, hear more? It's very, very simple. You go to howl.fm-slash-magic. And check out some of the other shows.

There's a wide variety of really funny stuff and also just really interesting, exclusive content. I know I'm a big fan of Comedy Bang Bang, their entire recent, expansive live tour is exclusively on Howell. You can listen to Paul Liftopkins, Scott Ockerman, and Lauren Lapkes descend into insanity, as they have way too many shows in too short a period of time. It's still very funny, but you can also like, just listen to them go crazy. as they have way too many shows in too short a period of time. It's still very funny, but you can also like, just listen to them go crazy.

Also, if you love Game of Thrones, you have to listen to hardcore Game of Thrones. I was on a long drive, and I listened to hours of it. And now I actually finally kind of understand like who are the Andals, and who are the first men, and who the waves coming over From Essos to Westros and there's a bunch of other stuff. It's just like try it out. Thanks robot Arnie your peach. Thanks Craig I'm gonna go eat some real food with my human mouth. Bye That's all the time we have for this week's Cragcast, but look for Cragcast Premium coming

soon to how... maybe. They haven't returned my calls, but I mean, who would turn this down? Right, so that's probably gonna happen. You should email them. Email them if you want more Crag. Anyone? Alright, I'll see you next week. you