Hello From The Magic Tavern - 99 - Push Ups (w/ Michael Hitchcock and Erin Whitehead live from San Francisco Sketchfest)

Episode Date: February 13, 2017

We're leaving on our quest in one week. But first... we talk to a butterfly and a reverse mermaid.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungTabula the Butterfly: Michael HitchcockErin the Reverse-Mermaid: Erin WhiteheadMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzPhoto Credits: Shawn RobbinsSpecial thanks to SF SketchfestYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Warning, people of Earth. The following live podcast is not real. Despite what you see, the characters on stage are only human actors. Thrilled to be visiting a city they could never afford to live in. Rest assured, there are no magical alternate dimensions. Only this live performance in the Urika Theater at the San Francisco Sketch Fest. Enjoy the show, Technocrats! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Thun.

I'm your host, Arie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before. I don't think I believe you. But just in case, this is all you need to know, slash, this is everybody's favorite part of the podcast. About a year and ten months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the fantastical, magical land of fune. Luckily I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King. I think through that dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast

that I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, where we all are right now. Yeah! Yeah! In the town of Hogg's face, in the land of Phoon. Uh, and it's a, it's an especially busy night in the, in the tavern tonight. Uh, I'm so excited we see, we seem to have a unicorn. Uh, we seem to have some kind of royalty. Very sparkly crown. Oh, oh, I see, a couple.

A couple. We have one royalty that was not wearing its crown. Like, I'm an hiding. I am sitting next to my queen. But nobody's gonna guess. sitting next to my queen, but nobody's gonna guess. So, you know what? It's so lonely out here, just me and everybody in the tavern and a tiny horse with what looks to be a new hat.

You know what? I would like to bring out one of my co-hosts, my buddy, my boon companion, I'd chun the didn't think of that. Yeah. I couldn't help it. Here, this is the first time I've ever heard you do crowd work at the table. I know. It's true. Well, the observation of crowd work, which you don't normally do when you're sitting at the table. I know. That's the thing, though. It's like I'm in this tavern all day, every day, all week. So it's a little weird. It's like just one hour out of the week

to be like talking to all the same people who are always here being like, I'm just really on and I'm gonna talk to you and I'm gonna talk to you. Yeah, real ego boost, it seems like. Yes. I find that I need an ego boost right before bringing you No. I get that. Right before my sense of self worth really starts to take a nose dive. Entry, I don't know. I would never say anything that hurts you or disparate you.

I'm switching it up today instead of a meet with little raspberry. I have meet with a little, mmm, blaze and berry. Blaze and berry! Night! Night! We are really sick. I'm also switching it up instead of wearing my pink polo shirt, formerly white polo shirt. I am wearing my, I'm questing for the Luna sword t-shirt that a fan sent in.

Yeah, pretty great. It's a little tight, is it? It's a little tight. I don't want to comment on that. I don't want to take your bait. I don't want to take your bait. Oh, thank you. You're a good friend.

You're a good friend. Yeah. Um, there seems to be a package over, ooh, I see some of the tables. I see a Snickers, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, tables. I see as Snickers, yum yum yum yum. Mmm. I also, I forget how frequently you just scurry on all four. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I guess it doesn't really pick up on the audio, but that's what I do. This seems to be for you, Siddore. Oh, oh! Ungrateful fucks. And this is to Chuck from Alex, a Snickers bar. Oh, hell yeah. Very excited.

Weird near the front is there a present for me. I'm sure. I'm sure I'm just not looking hard enough. It's a... Oh, the hat on the tiny horses for me. Once again, someone gets me a gift that does not fit me. No, no. You know what? I'm joking. Oh, thank you. Let's put this'm joking, I have, oh thank you. Let's put this tiny, jaunty hat on my head.

Look, I don't need gifts. I actually am feeling pretty good for myself about myself. I feel powerful, you know why? Why is that? Because we have the lunar sword. Yeah, baby. Woo! All right, I'm actually lost my hat. I'm gonna quick grab my lunar sword. Yeah, baby. Woo! All right, I'm actually Lost my hat. I'm gonna quick grab my lunar sword

That's one that's the first time I've ever seen Arnie get up from the table, too Just serve you I mean, I don't know I've never said this before But to anybody in the tavern who's listening if you are listening in on our conversation Feel free to send us an email at chuntwith6tz at jima.com that's chuntatjima.com, chuntspeel with the 6Ts and possibly as we're going, we might read your email. Wow! Not as big as I thought it would be. Yeah. It's waning. Okay. You know, that's what they say in food.

We say, you know, if you're in the steam room, we say you're either a wax or a wainer. That's true. That's true. Yeah, it was bigger when it used to be bigger when we first got it. And it's just been slowly waning and I guess it's just gonna get smaller and smaller. And then get bigger and bigger.

Oh good, all right. What do you do with a sword? Like I've been leaving it on the floor. Yeah, well, I mean, yeah, whatever you wanna do with it, so it's your sword. You know what? We should bring out. Yeah, we've run out of things to say

between two of us. You wanna bring out? We should bring out. Yeah, we've run out of things to say before you do a list. You wanna bring out? We should Lucy Yucy? Let's bring out baggled me thingies. Woo! Woo! Let's bring out biscuit meniscus. Yeah.

Let's bring back soda pop and daddy. Yeah. Uh, what else? What? Johnny Two Streams. Bring back soda pop and daddy. Oh. What else? Johnny two streams. Yeah. Wee. There's an assortment of different species in the tavern tonight.

They're all like, I don't know who you're talking about. They're talking about a different name. I know him as wee. Yeah. I sometimes call him a leverly beangelo. What's that? leverly beangelo. leverly beangelo.

Yeah, something I just think they might came up with. Oh, that's just for you. Yeah. Shunt knows him as leverly beangelo. It changes. It also changes. Yeah. Yeah.

Sure. How long could we delay this? We're also joined by my co-host, Usador, the Lighter Blue! The best American child New New New New New New

New New New New New New New New New

New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New and I'm no shut up and I'm no to the northeast as gasmaniac may star.

And there may be other secret names you do not know yet. Names of such great power and portent that if you even seen them writ upon this page, the very lines of that writing would take form, dance about, take the shape of the man and stab you directly in the eye. Read not those names, speak them not allowed if thou wish to live. Oh, a present! Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, it says here, this is from the dimensional portal, you may be able to earn some extra gems to support your quest

by sponsoring this product. Oh boy. Oh! Do you like to take that back. And it says, official use of the or brand extra butthole filler. I am afraid to see what's in that box. Yes, I might open it and then say nothing at all. But again, enjoy Snickers, delicious Snickers. Always satisfies. That's the dildo.

Oh, yeah. Oh, wait! No! Correction. That is a blue dildo. Yes. Oh wait, no, no. No, that's as a blue deal though. Yes. Or it could be a blue unicorn horn. Okay. Let's put it back in the box. Yeah, it's not wrap.

I've got it. If it's not in the original packaging. Oh well, well isn't that okay. Oh but Arnold, now I have to rude person, a terrible person, without a speaker fish does that say, oh look at that school, look at that school where they're that school with their stupid fins. Is that what you say? No. You said that royalty is not wearing their crown.

You call them your majesty or your highness. You are being rude to a king or queen. Right there, I see them now. Your majesty. You honor us with your presence in the tavern this evening. Don't you hate when you go to a tavern and you realize too late that you sat behind royalty? And you're like, ah, God damn it. What do you have a solid five on this?

I'm not gonna- I'm not gonna be able to see around this crown. So, you said, or we are leaving on our quest soon to defeat the Dark Lord. In but one week's time, we shall set out upon the greatest quest of this, or any other age. Man, it took us two years, but we are being active.

Boys here, boys year. Boys year! But it, but they took them far more than two years. I am over 300 years old, and all this time I have been planning and plotting, finding bits of important information that are critical to defeating a dark Lord, laying traps, oh, traps of such great wonder and grandiose nature that you should never even imagine them, traps and secrets of even Arnold and Chant don't know about yet.

It's Arnie. LAUGHTER What are some of the traps that we don't know about yet? Oh. One can stig a hole in the ground. Cover it with leaves. Stand on the other side from the enemy and say, Hey, come and get me. Watch them fall into the hole.

And then they're in a hole. I don't like to think about it now. As hundreds of orcs fall into this hole. I don't like to think about it now. As hundreds of orcs fall into this hole. Hundreds of orcs or 20,000 rowering orcs. Well, the whole I dug would probably only fit about three orcs. Then they'd probably just run over the corpses of those orcs. Remind me to get a shovel before we set out upon the quest.

John, what have you been doing? I shall make this whole much larger yet. John, what have you been doing to prepare for our quest to defeat the Dark Lord? I've been doing a lot of push-ups. Just like build up my arms. You know? Yeah, baby. You know, a lot of crunches. Yeah. Crunch time. Yeah, crunch time Yeah, baby. Um, you know, a lot of crunches. Uh-huh. Yeah. Crunch time. Yeah, crunch time.

Crunch time. Uh, a lot of sex. A lot of sex. Yeah, a lot of sex. How is that helping? When is sex not help? I don't have an answer. What have you been doing, buddy?

Uh, working out as well. Push-ups. I have been doing one to two push-ups a day. Have you done yours for today yet? I have not. All right, you know what? I am going to do. Guys, this is the kind of thing people tune into a podcast for. One to two push up

For all count for anyone not able to see this live Imagine a man six foot six 250 pounds, 75, 275. Take it, he'll take it. Slowly getting down to one knee to pray to God. Give him now. Waden.

He did one push-up. Wow. Fuck me, fuck me, he did one push-up. I did it. I mean, he didn't go all the way down. That's true. Sean, have you done your push-ups for today? I have not.

How many do you generally do? 50. Let's see it. We leave, but in a week's time, we must be prepared. For people listening to the podcast, imagine a furry little creature about three and a half feet tall, who just down half a snickers. Yes.

Pulled it. One, two, three, four, five. Oh. Oh. Another Snickers. What's a miracle this is? Thank you, goddesses. Six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 12,

I do. 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 30, 31, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22. 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 27, 48, 49, 50. We are so fucked on this quest. Oh, no! No! That wasn't yours. Love you. When you drop a snickers in and I'm a dad, what's your super power mug? It does not look good.

Is anyone going to ask me? You store, have you done your pushups today? Hell yes I have. Turns out he's the smartest of us all. Yeah. But guys, there's so much going on, like it's such a full week before we leave to defeat the Dark Lord, like it would be hard to fit it into just one podcast, but let's talk to one of our guests. Yes, of course.

Yeah, because we still want to send information back to my world about the wide assortment of creatures in Foon. So I'm very excited that we're going to talk to a butterfly named tabula tabula the butterfly. Oh no. I'm going to be a little bit more beautiful. Tabia. Welcome, Tabia. It's beautiful. So majestic. Beautiful.

Wow, so majestic. The grace, the grace of the butterfly movement. What a beautiful creature. Wow. So wonderful. Yes. That is, I've ever seen anything more beautiful. This is poetry and emotion. Yes. I've ever seen anything more beautiful. This is poetry and motion.

Yes. Wow, I didn't know better if I said polls. Yes. I'm feeling better about my shirt. Hello, Tabula. Hello, Tabula. Hello, I'm so pleased to be here. Well, we are pleased to have you.

What a beautiful flight in. It was magnificent. What a wonderful time and so many. Hello, Royalty. I'm two and a half days old. I was talking about the king and queen, do you know? Yes, yes, I did a little currency to them. So, Tabula, did you say you're two and a half days old?

Two and a half days old. Wow! I'm cautiously optimistic about the future. Yeah. Yeah. What? So, what have you been doing with your two and a half days? Well, most of the time, I was trying to struggle out of my mother's mouth.

She tried to eat me after I was born. Oh. Luckily, I ate her. That's wonderful. The same thing happened to me. I was brought into the world by a conspiracy of birds and rain and fire and earth and wind, and they tried to consume me and destroy me before I could step forth. And then I said, hey, there must be a champion for all of Foon! You deserve a blue dildo. Yes, well I need you to say that.

Yes, thank God we're just today. Thank you, thank you, Tavital. I hope someday you get it. Yes, yes, I'll be. Also, it sounds like you have a real Tettepis complex. Arnie, I don't know if you know about Tettepis. It's a man who lived a while ago who ate his mom and fucked his dad. Oh, yeah. That didn't happen to me.

My dad fucked me. Oh. Look. Luckily, his wiener is as big as mine. And you're cautiously optimistic? cautiously optimistic. Consciously optimistic. Oh my gosh. This show is turning into a geek trend today.

Now, tabula, tabula, what is the average link of the life of a butterfly? Yeah, I'm afraid I do not know. Five days. Oh. So I have a whole world ahead of me. Yes. Part of the reason I'm here, though though is to give you a warning about your quest. Oh, I have read in the stars Do not

Talk to the owl. Oh not talk beware of the four stars in the sky Okay, purple water is not your friend. We should be writing these down. We should. Go to the path with the least rocks. When you find the fifth rock, throw it. And if you hit a window, make five wishes. So wait, go to the path with the least rocks.

But when you find the fifth rock, throw it. And if you hit a window, you might get five wishes. So the least, the path with the least rocks has at least five. Yes. Did you write that down? No, I remember it all. I have a perfect memory. Good.

I think I've never forgotten anything. Stay away from purple water. The owls are not what they seem. The four-star don't talk to your friend. Don't talk to the owl. They're not your friend. And don't talk to the owl. And you read this in the stars? Yes. Like, how do you learn to read stars? Well, it's sort of just for me a gift. I just learned it when I think about fifth hour. But maybe. Yes.

And I've learned seven languages. I'm a very smart, optimistic, cautiously optimistic butterfly. I know. So you're saying you were kind of like ahead of the curve for butterflies. But normally a butterfly mother would be like, oh, my butterflies is. I'm not a braggart, but yes. Yeah. Sort of a genius.

Sort of a phenom. Wow. Yeah, oh, sort of a genius, sort of a phenom. Wow. Yeah. But you're halfway, you're almost exactly halfway through your life. I know, isn't that exciting? But don't cross me, or I'll turn into a mountain. That's a good advice. Is that a good advice?

No, that's true. That's good advice. Don't cross that butterfly, it will try to into a mountain. Oh shit, Arnie, be careful. These are one of the great mount-tarks. They only live for five days. I'm not trying to be funny. It's a call amount. It's a Montauch butterfly. They live for five days, but they They turn into mountains. I dated one before her name was sugar, baby. She was from crazy town

Sugar, baby was a real handful Sugar Baby was a real handful. She had pierced nipples. And we were dating for a while, but last it was not meant to be. She died on the fifth day before we could go any further. Well, I'm glad that she lived to a ripe old age of five days. Yeah, absolutely. And when I die, I'll come to my baby. Make sense of my head.

This is a whole religion based on that. It's called the Mormons. Wait, are there Mormons in food? No, not more men. It's pronounced more men. Oh, more men. Yeah. You go to a planet with lots of men.

And just when you think that you ran out, there's more of them. There's tons of men. There are not a lot of Mormons. No. Yeah. Not a lot of me, oh, just like, huh. The one problem this planet has is not enough, man. Yeah, absolutely.

Absolutely. Yeah. I'm so sorry. We have been very rude. Have you done your pushups today? I haven't. What you like to see? I would, depending on how you position yourself. So graceful. Oh boy. Oh, Oh Boy one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven eleven

Perfect And handstand I think we're getting wow amazing Wow, amazing Incredible this is amazing I've never seen such a graceful butterfly in all my years Wow, I think that this bunch of lies in the middle of its life I think butterflies. I think the butterfly needs help to help know you know butterflies. All right Now Arnie do it. Now Arnie do it. Oh, no. How you doing?

How you doing, Tabula? Are you okay? That was amazing. That was amazing. I hate to show off. I'm just glad that that went on long enough that someone got an etching of it, I think. Oh, I think the pro row got more than an etching.

Tabula. Well, I think the frow row got more than an etching. Oh, I think the frow row got more than an etching. Tabula, what are your hopes and dreams for the next two and a half days? Well, I'm hoping to meet a beautiful princess. Oh, and if I could have any dream of all, it would be to meet a mermaid. I've heard so much about them. Oh, really? really well you know what you're you're in luck I actually are next guest why maybe let's bring out our next guest what do you tell me her name is Aaron I don't know if she's a reverse mermaid Hi, welcome Aaron. Thank you. It's wonderful to have you on the show Oh my god, it's so wonderful to be at something that other mermaids can't attend. I'm never the first choice

Oh, that's sad. Why do you say that? Um, I guess you could say there's some discrimination due to my genetic abnormality of having a woman on the bottom and fish on top. Some of the other mermaids don't think I'm a real mermaid, but I am. Sure, you get a lot of like, you get a lot of discrimination from the other mermaids. They don't like reverse mermaids. No, they play in front of me with their beautiful breasts. Uh-huh.

And so then I open wide and then they... LAUGHTER Mermaid aren't as into the pus as... as... LAUGHTER Yes, man. That's real men. That to make sense, they just have a fin down there.

Yeah. And Arnie will have their boob guys. Yeah. Arnie, just a chicken. I want to make sure you know the difference between Merman and Merman. Are you good? I mean, I never need Merman.

But I do know what a Merman is. And I think you might have actually gotten a Merman's cock. I don't think that's a dildo. Oh, the blue... Do you think that's a blue Mermance? I recognize that I've had a couple. Oh. Oh, then quick, put it in water.

Yeah. If it's a Mermance cock and you put it in water, it'll swim away and then sing a poem. Oh, wonderful. Well, I'll save that in case we needed it upon the quest. Oh but we should introduce our guest tabula this is air in air and this is tabula. Yeah. Real to meet you. Oh my god. I always wanted to meet a mermaid. Well I guess I'm sorry then. Oh it all works. Do you go by I mean technically

are you called a a made-mer? Are you made-merian? Yeah, that's what they used to call me in school. Oh, made-made-mer, made-mer, made-mer, you're not a mermaid. You know, it wasn't the best rhyme, but I hurt my feelings. Yeah. If that happened to me, I'd turn into a mountain. Ah!

Wow. I hadn't even thought to do that. It really works. It makes life a lot harder for people because in the end, you know, climb over it. Yeah. It's like, oh, dad, did not expect there to be a mountain here right now. Well, very inconvenient. And Aaron, before we forget, have you done your push-ups today? I mean, it's hard with my little fins but I can try.

Or maybe just a squatters. Okay, I'll go through my exercise routine and you guys can follow along. Okay, one of eight. Okay. Okay Bent down oh Just kind of oh Six seven eight nine ten Wow It's a lot of leg it's a lot of leg work.

I feel like from today, I'm gonna walk away from today's episode, kind of having an inkling about how everybody here has sex. You're gonna walk away? The man who did half of push-ups gonna walk away? Well, I did one full one. No, I won't have sex with you just kidding or well. What, like, do you need to go, like, how long can you be out of water? Oh, forever.

It's the same way where mates can breathe underwater. I can breathe on land. It's magic. Oh, I see. Yeah. So then do you have trouble in water? It's not my favorite thingermaids can breathe underwater. I can breathe on land. It's magic. Oh, I see. So then do you have trouble in water? It's not my favorite thing. Not your favorite thing. I just can't really keep up with kicking their tails go so much further. Sure whenever we go on road trips I don't go with I start but then I'm on the tail end but really not because that's what's the scariest thing you've ever seen under the water the scariest thing I guess my own reflection when I realize I wasn't like the others

oh damn sad this is a bully for his own yes yeah this is a safe that's just a safe place for every for you're here for for elves and dwarves everything but orcs are allowed oh how I hate or I did once see an underwater orc. You did. Use my boyfriend. Oh. I kind of have to date other kinds of people, because the merman aren't that into me.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. It's okay. You seem lovely to me. I think anyone would be lucky to take you out of it on a date. Yeah, and I'm sorry. The Bernie really crossed over the fact that you said you'd have sex with him. That was incredibly rude.

Yeah. In Arnold's defense, he is married. I mean, I feel like since I'm a reverse mermaid, you could be a reverse-married. Check it out. That's true. Aaron, orcs under water, they're aquatic orcs, right? But because they're underwater, the egg goes after the orc, right? So they're orcans?

Uh-huh, you're exactly right. I actually might have had a killer whale boyfriend now that I think about it. Oh, that makes a lot of sense to me. Yeah. And you stand by him, even though he's a killer whale? Yeah, I mean, I don't mind killing things. That's what I do for food, you know?

Oh. Yeah, I got crabs one one so I just ate them all Well, you've got that let's all say something nice about Aaron I think you have that beautiful big fish mouth, which is perfect for eating crabs Thank you. You're welcome. I saw your vagina when you worked out Is that a compliment? Yeah, that seems like a statement of something that happened. Tabula was actually just saying earlier how much she wanted to meet him or me. He was very excited to be a princess.

And a princess. Do you happen to be a princess? I mean, technically I would be because all my sisters are, but somehow I just really never get the privileges. Like the crown always slips right off, you know? It has a little comb to go in their luxurious locks, and I don't have that. It stabs my scales, and I bleed.

Then I get those headscaps, but I do like to pick them. Yeah. Well, at least you like it. Yeah. Yeah, it's sort of fun. But you can do so many things that they can't do. Like, you can't wear a crown, but you could wear socks. And walk on land.

And you can walk on land. Yeah. I guess it's weird for me to be the one person to really devalue walking. Yeah. Do you want the approval of the other mermaids, or is it just like, fuck it, I want to be where the people are? Oh.

Oh. I want their approval, but then also I just want them to realize how wrong they were, and then wish they could be my friend But it'll be way too late like probably the way Rudolph was with the reindeer. I bet they didn't hang out after that song Sure who's Rudolph who's Rudolph who's Rudolph? He said oh I've been I've been I've been telling the mermaids about all the stories You told us oh that's right. I spent a lot of time explaining a Rudolph I don't like stacked out movies for us and then I liked ACT out movies for mermaids.

Yeah, also I was, I went with Yusidor, and I was telling the stories about, that you've been telling us about Rudolph and all these other creatures, and I was telling it to this one mermaid in the middle of her wedding ceremony on this boat, and this pastor overheard, and he got a boner. I've got a boner. Oh, I'm so sorry, Tabula.

I feel awful. I haven't asked you one of the most important questions. I asked all our guests, how do you do it? How do we procreate? Yeah, how do you procreate? I guess I'll have to show you. Oh, hey, oh boy. That looks right. Oh, hey.

Oh, thank God your butterfly size. Oh, sooner or later, a little butterfly is gonna pop out of your butt. Oh, no. Oh, boy. That was so cozy. That was the most beautiful thing I've ever been to. I love the way you do. It's beautiful in butterfly land.

Yes. You wiggle around and you held them like a bear. Mm-hmm. I loved it. It was very, it was nice, isn't it? Yeah, it was very nice. Afterwards I'd be happy to do it to any of people that have. Tabby, you're halfway through your life now.

In the second half of your life, are you thinking of still reading the stars, or maybe a new career? Sometimes people get halfway through their life, and they think they reconsider what they've done. I would mind going into castle flipping. Castle flipping? Yes. That's the castles in Fune falling apart. And they're getting a little flipping. Castle flipping? Yes. The castles in Foon are falling apart and they're getting a little dated.

You can pick them up at a song. Literally you can sing a song and the owner of the castle will give it to you. I too have considered flipping castles. You have? I have. Tell me about it. Well, I thought if I could pick up a couple of cheap castles, you know, flip them, make a little bit of money, I could use that money to help me to feed the dark lord of food. Oh, and then with the resources that I have, I would come back by more castles, flip them over,

and then defeat the next dark lord of food, because there's always a dark lord. What? Do you have time to do that before next week? Well, I think it could flip one before next week. It seems like if you get in there and you just, if you work on the foundation, that's it's the foundation's good, you're set. Then you just have to like put some curtains and tapestries up and people don't know the difference.

They're stupid. I mean, maybe it's good to paint, it goes a long way. It's true. And if you went down under the castle and then turned into a mountain, you'd flip that castle right over for sure. I didn't mean literally silly. It's like fourth grade all over again. No.

What are the schools like for mermaids? Well, it's mostly like learning how to, you know, wear your shells in an attractive, yet strong way. A lot of lounging, a lot of siren songs because we kill human men, except me. I don't do that. Thank you. You're welcome. And when you're at school, do you swim or do you walk around on those, what do you call them? Oh, feet? Yeah, I mean flipping your fins you don't have much time, you know.

But I get around, it's really, have you ever tried to walk when you're in a swimming pool or an ocean or something? It's hard. It's like so slow. So sometimes I don't even make it to school at all. If I see something interesting and I look at it, that the whole day is gone. Yeah. What's the most interesting thing you stop to look at? I saw some barnacles having an argument once.

They were stuck to a rock and she was like, I don't want to be in this rock anymore. And he was like, thought you like this rock. She was like, I don't want to be in this rock anymore. And he was like, I like that you like this rock. And she's like, I don't want to be in this rock anymore. Yeah. That's funny because I've been thinking about getting into flipping rocks.

It'd be a sidebar to my castle business. Right, just like, sell new rocks to barnacles. Well, when you find the fifth rock, throw it through a window. Five wishes. We'll be mine. Oh, those five wishes. I'm going to wish for more wishes. LAUGHTER

Aaron, have you, well, what kind of fish head do you have? Like, I'm a sea bass. A sea bass? Yeah. Well, I don't know if you know this. It's not a lot of people do, but so mermaids, they're born because a fish mates with a human. Oh, oh.

Yeah, so we don't have any parents with us. Yeah. A human is going for a swim. Oops. Yeah. And a fish comes up and then a mermaid is born. Wow. What happens when a mermaid has sex with a human?

I don't know. What happens? Oh, I can't. I mean, I don't know, what happens? Oh, I can't. I mean, I don't know. Oh my gosh, how can we find out? I can farty, farty. Should we swim through the sea? I can farty, can't.

I mean, also, what happens if a mermaid has sex with a butterfly or a badger or a wizard? I don't know. How would we find out? Have you ever considered or wizard, I don't know, how would we find out? Yeah. Have you ever considered dating a fish? A fish? Yeah. They not even talk.

Fish or dinner? But barnacles do. You could date one of them. I could date a barnacle. Yeah. I could date a barnacle. But then I feel like it would get stuck on me, and what if it got stuck inside me, and I would hurt. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, those two barnacles are going about wanting to leave. I bet the one was just like you always say that, but you're not leaving. You're a fucking barnacle. A lot of empty threats. They're clinging. Yeah. Now, I've heard a story told once that a fish and a human fell madly in love and they gave birth laid many many eggs gave birth to many many mermaids and that some of those merpeople like yourself were reverse mermaids have you seen others of your kind that are reversed I mean I understand that you are a product of true love. This feels like something that my best girlfriend would say to me when we're drinking wine and make me feel better, but it would be a lie.

Well, if you're looking for a best girlfriend, I'm right here. Is that white wine in there? That's all I drink today. Let's put that dildo and white line and see what happens. I do, I do sincerely want to hear that poem. Well while we put that dildo and some white line, which is a phrase I didn't think I'd say this morning, let's check in with some emails.

This is an email from Kelsey Simmons. My husband, Ted word, Teddy Kins, I don't know what's going on here, it's his 35th birthday, I'm having a stroke. And if you did happen to say happy birthday, don't do that, that's my thing. That would make me the coolest best wife in the whole of Anna San Francisco.

Also my 35th birthday, but you still recovering from those pushups? I was choking on sneakers. 35th birthday was on the 25th of January, so you owe me. Happy birthday. What's a send for Cisco? This one's from Ruben Escobito. Ruben says, Arnie, if you're looking for things to do

with the sword, didn't you already kill a kid with one? Remember when you killed that 14 year old girl? It's really, it's really fine. She's fine, it turns out she's fine. Yeah, yeah. We put her head right back off. Put her head right back off. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. I wish I would have thought about with my mother one aid, her head off. Yeah. If you're still digesting her, I might be able to put her back together. Yeah, I think of it.

I mean, you give it several things. Give me your time. Give me your time. Sure. All right. Let's use this magical wand. Yes. Yes.

Oh, yeah, Ty. Mother here, torn a sunder. Be now here, some magical wonder. Let this butterfly be once again whole and no longer then this butterfly need roll across this floor. Ah! Oh! I'm free! I'm free! I'm free! I don't think it works.

Wait, if we listen, I feel like we can... We can seer his mother. Listen very carefully. I'm free. I forgive you for getting me. Oh. I know that you just... Forgiveness, can you imagine? He is going through the unimaginable.

I have, you've been forgiven by your mother. How do you feel? Oh, thank you mother. You will come. I know you just wanted to be alone with your dad so you could have sex with him. What a beautiful moment. Whoa, whoa, guys look! Whoa! A butterfly just came out of his butt!

Ooh! What a beautiful day. Bye! Bye! Ooh! What a beautiful day! BYE BYE BYE BYE! Great! Bye son! LAUGHTER Three generations of Butterfly here today Let us not forget that love is the most important thing

Look, Tabula, I know we just met, but I think we should stay together for the health of this butterfly. I think I can commit to that. It's just a day and a half more. Yeah. That's reasonable. Yeah. And now I understand the origin of the name of the species. You're a good friend. You're a good friend. Let's put that dildo in some white wine. Yeah, let's do it.

Tabiela Aaron, I have a question I must ask you. We are preparing to leave in a week's time for the greatest quest in the history of food to defeat that dark Lord who was rain down terror upon us all Will you join my quest? Well, you'll be dead. So I guess it doesn't matter. Yeah, I'll be happy to help until then. Okay I'll find some stuff for you to do. Oh, thank you very much. Is there a thing you've wanted to do before you do Have like a bucket list like before you dies or something you want to do Well, I wanted to meet a mermaid and that came true. I just don't like to meet a princess. Hopefully that'll come true.

And then I'd love that just, I'd like to get in a nice hot warm bath. You can come to the lagoon. We have warm ones. Oh, that's a whole new one. This is like my bucket. This has been solved. Yeah, yes. I'd love it.

I only have one more dream. What's this act? I'd like to see all three of you do some more pushups. Oh, that's fair. That's fair. Well, while we do that, why don't we put that dildo in some white wine and maybe we'll hear a poem? Well, you won't hear a poem that the dildo only if it turns out to be a merman's cock, which I'm telling you we think it is because I've had a couple when they felt sorry for me.

Well, let's try it out. Oh, my God. So the Merman's cock is going into, I'm going to officially say this is probably the last time I'm using that mug. Oh, my God. Good bye, goodbye. I wish I could walk, but I can't because I am a mermaids cock.

Here I go on my way. It's been a great time, but now I must get inside something sublime. Sublime. This badger might just throw upon me, but I'm so glad because now I'm coming. Wow. Goodbye. I'm swimming away. Oh! Bye, Doc. Goodbye. Well, goodbye. It flew away and now it's swirling with your-

Stay away from my son with your, your soul. Say, wave to my son. Well, hello there. I'm here. Oh, what's a teeny tiny butterfly doing up on the right? Turn into a mountain. Turn into a mountain. I gotta say Arnie, out of all the days you spent here in Fune, this is the most typical day.

Well, your son just turned into a mountain. Now we have an extra mountain to traverse on the way to our quest. Thanks again for nothing. Hey, that mountain is my son. Do you mind, I don't know if this is uncouth, but would you mind naming the mountain after my aunt Helen and it would be your mount son Helen?

Sure. Yeah. The tavern doesn't seem to be into that, but... Tavern's like, no. But I'm into it. Someone didn't do it. It is, but... No, who was that?

Arnie. Look guys, I feel like I feel like we're almost out of time, but I feel not out of time for push-ups. True. But- Oh, come on, just 20. Just 20? Oh, do one more push-up. You used to do it or is there some kind of spell?

No, I hate no no I want to see want to see you push up. I want to see see you doing push up. I'll help you. I'll help you if you want I'll sit on you What what's this? I'll sit on you while you do your push-ups. Do you want to help? That doesn't make it more appealing. I think they're so different underwater. That would be helpful if we were under water for this. I'll under-wonder push-ups.

And I forgot where I was. Yeah. Arnold, we need to wrap this up. Aaron and I need to go get brunch. There are some of Moses with our name on it just waiting. Have we told you what brunch is? No, what's brunch? It's like in between breakfast and lunch. Oh, okay.

Yeah. You can drink in the morning. And nobody looks at you weird. Oh, yes. But Aaron, Aaron, you seem delightful. And I just worry that you don't appreciate how great you are just because... Oh my gosh gosh tell me how How should I appreciate it which they do?

Yeah, you're a lot of people these days shave a little more Sure, I mean I like to sport a full kelp. Yeah, it's true You just seem you know you seem very comfortable in your own body. Thank you I I mean, I don't know. Do you think I should like, not go back to the lagoon? Kind of like it up here. I mean, I walk faster. Yeah. You gotta go where the, where, you gotta go to the town where the things you have work the best. Yes, you stay here in Hogs face.

We'll find a pair of pants for you. Or not. I mean, I don't feel like that's fair. The other members of the show, their boobs, all the time, free the nipple, free the vulva. I agree. I agree. And I say, I say leave it done in shaving,

especially if you're going back into water, but it could act as a natural coral. Well, thank you. And I needed your men's approval to save it. You're welcome. Yeah. Also, I've noticed all over Hogs face, it's perfectly acceptable for men

to walk around without wearing pants. Thank you. The same should be allowed for women as well. And that's all I'm saying. Yeah. Well, you know what, you either go home or stay here, you do what you want. But I just think if you live somewhere

and you feel like every day it's just hard, you're getting resistance for just doing normal things. And you go someplace else and you feel like every day it's just hard you're getting resistance for just doing normal things and you go someplace else and you're like I move around more easily and more freely maybe this is the place for you. I am so inspired right now and I'm also gonna tell this girl I know who lives in LA exactly that because what the fuck is she doing? I left some resonant stones with the mermaids, so they can talk to people on Earth. What? Recently, there seems to be a lot more easy communication with Earth. I don't know what to tell you, man.

Like, I'm holding an iPhone. Yeah, where do you even get that? This is your phone. No, that is literally a really new iPhone. This isn't yours? No, I thought it was yours. I'm working on some stuff. Well, we're leaving to defeat the Dark Lord in one week's time,

although I'm a little shocked to find out that there will just be a new one if we defeat him. Spin tax told us that age is ago. Anyway. But thank you so much us that ages ago. Anyway. But thank you so much, Tabiel. Thank you. Thank you. And my ghost will be watching.

Oh, a butterfly ghost. The best kind. Well, I just want to let you know that even though you're going to die, you've had a huge effect on us. Yeah, thank you. Every little thing you've had a huge effect on us. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Every little thing you've done, I feel like we'll have larger repercussions. Hmm.

I hope you don't get any STDs from me. Oh, great. That's gonna be the repercussions. Yeah. All right, fine. Thank you guys so, thank you guys so so much. Thank you for having me. And I'm very excited about our quest and thank you to the unicorn and the your majesty and your majesty

Oh you got to meet a princess. Yeah. Oh And um and as we go out, I just want to thank everybody and I am going to do 20 push-ups. Yeah 20 push-ups. Yeah One one two three four five six seven eight nine Hold on hold on 11 11 12 13 Hold on, hold on, hold on. 11. 11.

12. 13. Oh! 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. You know what? He did them all because Yusador isn't a liar! What's your favorite aspect of podcasts? Mine's the sound of people doing push-ups. Use it or the blue was played by Matt Young.

Everyone's favorite, mm, there's a smudge on whatever's written there. Shunt the King of the Badger was played by Adolfie, a master of nope can't make it out. Tabula the Butterfly was played by Michael Hitchcock, who you've probably seen in Best of Show, Bridesmaids, mascots, and other things suggesting such a pristine comedy pedigree that his presence here can only be described as assisted career suicide. He's currently a co-executive producer and writer on Crazy X Girlfriend, and he's very handsome in person. Follow him on Twitter at Hitch Michael.

He also wrote, you don't have to put in the very handsome part, I wrote that because sometimes it's good to give yourself an affirmation. You know what else is good Michael? Throwing back the curtain on Moniacle obsession to control one's own public persona. Erin the reverse mermaid was played by Erin Whitehead. Erin is part of the improv group Wild Horses. You can follow her on Twitter at Girl with a Tale, which is an ironic handle under these circumstances. And if you haven't seen any photo documentation from the live show, yes, Michael wore a tight yellow unitarred,

and Erin was wearing a blue hoodie and flesh-colored tights with elaborate anatomy drawn on them. If you're into seeing that sort of thing, go to HelloFromTheMagicTavron.com and click on the episode link. Because what's a podcast without sections that don't make sense if you're only listening? Greg, I came here to eat pancakes and throw the focus to you. I've got lots of pancakes left and I'm terrible at following through with my own conditional declarations. Some of those pancakes are from me.

Hello from The Magic Tavron was produced by Arnie Neacamp, Evan Jacoba, and Ryan D. George This one edited by Ryan D. George, music by Andy Poland, logo by Aller LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistants by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at aloframeagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter and check out the Ear Wolf store or shopped out aloframeagictavern.com for some cool merchandise. Thanks to San Francisco's sketchfest for inviting us out, thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and thanks to Ear Wolf. The full run of offices and bosses the Magic Tavern spin-off podcast is available on Howl.

Go to Howl.fm-slash-magic. There's other awesome stuff on there too, so it's totally worth it either way. No response yet to getting my show Craigcast onto Howl. I can only assume Scott Ockerman doesn't want to intimidate listeners with too much awesome content at once. That it's got, please call me back. you