Hello From The Magic Tavern - Bonus: Earth Games - Clue!

Episode Date: October 18, 2019

In this bonus episode from Stitcher Premium, the Magic Tavern gang learns to play board games from Earth. This week: Arnie’s least favorite: Clue! CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiEarth Games Logo: Allard LabanRules Theme Music: Stephen DrangerYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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And we're in. Hey guys, it's Craig. Remember me, the lovable, broadly comedic foil to our mysterious bunker overlord? No? That's cool. Been doing my own thing, escaping from space prison and broadcasting my own transmissions over on Stitcher Premium. So I'm doing fine, doing fine. Anyway, I'm hacking into the main feed remotely because we're releasing this episode from Earth Games, our Premium bonus series, to thank you all

for listening to Magic Tavern. Earth Games is where Arnie, Chut and Yusudor play games from Earth. In this one, they play Clue and Spoiler Alert, High Drinks in Sue. If you like this, you can listen to the entire Earth Game series, as well as our new bonus series behind the tavern, where the cast talks about how they create the show, since the show is not real, and they're all just human actors. Those holograms are really paying off.

If you want to check that out along with all the other awesome bonus stuff in the works, go to StitcherPremium.com and sign up for a free premium trial with the promo code Magic. Stay tuned to the end of this episode for the announcement of our next premium series. Now, enjoy this free bonus content. Earth Games! Earth Games!

Hey, I'm Ernie Nekamp. An Earth human trapped in the magical land of Fune. Usually, we're very busy with quests and like accomplishing things, but I thought we'd spend some time playing some earth games. Mmm, earth games, earth night, or no, game night. Game night? Game night? Yes indeed, and I am very excited for you've received a plethora of games from the planet Earth,

and I've decided the first one we shall play, for it shall give me great insight into the method of defeating my great enemy, the Dark Lord of Foon. And that game, quite obviously, is called Clue. Oh, guys, we have a giant box of so many Earth games. Yeah, but this one's gonna give us a hint. It's going to be a clue. Also, Arnie, Arnie, I wanna play this game because it has a brother.

It has a brother? Yeah, it says Hasbro right here. Oh, it says Hasbro. Hasbro. Do you even Hasbro? No, I don't even Hasbro. I don't, I has no bros. You guys know bros?

I have no bros. Well, this game does. I don't even have a Parker brother. Oh, I'm so sorry. You has cheeseburger? I do has cheeseburger. Oh, can I have? No, no. Nope, sorry, I just finished cheeseburger.

That was fast. It was. It was. Hey, real quick, before we dive into these games, just in case some weirdos listening to this and is never listening to him pull up on the magic tavern, I'm going to be playing these games with just in case some weirdos listening to this and is never listening to him pull off from the magic tavern, I'm gonna be playing these games with Chant the Taken Badger.

Bingbong and Eucid are the wizard. Hello. What are you looking at me for? I already had Sponus content, he doesn't have to say his full name. Yes. I am not contractually obligated. Not contractually oblig- I am obligated. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha foot and I need to speak one of those names to send down a fiery rain of hellfire. Okay, that's good enough. Alright, well, doesn't hellfire come up from the ground?

Oh no, you would think it would. Hmm, heavenfire comes from the ground. Hmm, that makes sense. You learn something every day. Well, we got a big, trans-dimensional delivery of a big box of earth games and sense. Chant and Yusur, you've been such good boys lately and you've done all your chores. Thank you I said we could play some earth games and record them and you said if I was a good boy then I'd get a sticker what? Okay, morning. Can I have a sticker? Yeah, but there's a sticker. I bet there's a sticker in one of these games. I too require a sticker

Well, Yusdhor you haven't been as good a good boy as Chant. I too require a sticker. Well, you said or you haven't been as good a good boy as a child. I've been in good good boy. Well, I'll do better. How about this? If by the time we get to the bottom of this box of Earth games, somewhere there will be a sticker for one of you two. It's just a kind of like arc or stakes that like pull people through multiple episodes of a thing. Yeah, tune in next week to see if we find a sticker. Riveting. Who shall receive the sticker?

Maybe it'll be me. Spoiler. That's what I'm thinking it'll be. Let's play Clue. All right, look, if you guys want to play Clue, we can play Clue, but I'm just gonna say that Clue is maybe my least favorite Earth game. Oh. It's because you haven't learned to unlock its secrets. I, as a wizard, looking for great power and weapons and mystical elements will be able to appear between the lines of this game and draw out the clue hidden within Also Arnie any game you play with friends is a fun game. Oh

You know you're still a hard-nosed you've never still a hard-nosed. All right Well, let's open the box and get out the pieces. I will say the cool thing about clue is it's got like A lot of evocative theming. Ooh I love evocative them like. Ooh! I love evocative theming. Like salacious? Like salacious? No, no, not, you're thinking of clue after hours. Oh yeah. Or clue after hours colon, this clue fucks.

In the colon? Is that a game on Earth? Can you fuck someone in the colon? Probably. Probably. Weird games. I have to confess it's been so long since I played Clue. I don't entirely know.

I remember how to play. I guess I'm going to have to look for instructions. I'm shocked. Well, let me pull out the board here. While you look up the rules, I'm going to take a look at the board. I shall go through these other items. Wow. On Earth, you have a room just for your balls.

What? There's a ball room here. Ernie, do you have a room for your balls? Yes, do you have a room just for your balls What there's a ball room here Arnie do you have a room for your balls? Yes, do you have a room for your balls? I do but I keep minding my balls in the billiards room Hmm makes sense. Oh, there's also yeah billiard room. There's a conservatory kitchen dining room Longes sometimes you can take your balls of the study if you need to study them. Yes study hall So on earth every house has Sometimes you can take your balls of the study if you need to study them. Yes, study hall. So on earth every house has about 200 little squares in it. Yeah, so the board game, we're going to be playing this game on this board.

And we're going to be moving around this giant. All right, man, get up on it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Look, just one this little piece. I got on the board first this little wooden piece Is you this little buckluck? Which one am I which one am I this little well? Do you want it? Do you want a good should be the blue? Yes, give me the blue one. I want the blue one. I'll be the green or the blue buck plug and Chant you're the pink here. I shall put my consciousness into this tiny wooden piece no So do we all have to do that because I don't want to do that. Yeah, don't do that You don't know. Can I just pick it up and move it? Yeah, okay? Here's the thing you said or we're gonna just place these on the board and

We're gonna move around this giant mansion and solve a Murder we're gonna solve a murder. There's been a murder Well, it's there's been house come when you say lightning. There's actual lightning How come when you say how come you said house come house come? Does this house come? This house you get enough butt plugs on the house it comes good house let's see can I have two butt plugs please aren't I mean two can I have two two would make sure all right thank you thank you I mean you did to yourself but here I'm gonna move you store around.

Oh, where are these stairs on the board go, Arnie? I don't think they go anywhere. Yeah, maybe it did. You know, I played this game as a little kid, and I don't remember it super well, but maybe a lot of it is seeped into my unconscious. Unconscious, that's how you say it, right? Here. How's it come?

Arnie, read us the rules. Okay, this will be exciting. Hello, welcome to the rules reading portion. Set it up, one, place. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, we have a theme song for reading more rules if it says that again. Yeah, we should.

Set it up. Number one, place all six tokens on their named spaces around the game board. On their named spaces. Oh yeah, over here there's a Miss uh, Scarlet. There's a call me mustard. What else we got here? Mr. Green. Oh that's right, start Mrs. Peacock. So we should actually decide, here's the thing that I guess I didn't say. These little pieces don't just represent you. They don't rip it. They don't.

These pieces, you are picking what person in this mansion you are that is trying to solve this murder. And you yourself may be the murderer. Whoa, I want to be the person that gets murdered. Um, that is not an option. It's always been a fantasy of mine to die Really? Yeah, that's very sad kind of it's sort of surprising, but not surprising at the same time Yeah, why do you want to die, chump? Do you see what it's like?

Don't you ever wonder no what I've got it after? Well, what what happened? I just came back Yeah, what was it like when you were gone? boring Yeah, what was it like when you were gone? Ah, boring. Yeah. You know, dark. Sort of nothing. Mm-hmm. Aren't any of you ever died?

I mean, four or five times a night. What? I don't know. Is that what you wake up screaming? Yeah, I think so. I might be thinking of sleep apnea. I think it's more that like I stop breathing. But I guess that's not really the same as dying.

I mean, you do it long enough. Yeah, that's true. I guess you do anything long enough you can start to die. Like this podcast. Like this episode. All right, so we should all pick who you wanna be. I wanna be call me mustard.

Please give call me mustard. The proper respect, it's kernel mustard. Ooh, oh, like corn. Yeah, exactly. Okay, so I'm the yellow piece over here and I'll get rid of my second piece You know what I'm gonna be professor plumb Way, way, way, way, I Just saw something. There's a character named peacock Yes, I need to be that character. Mrs. Peacock. How dare you? Mrs. Peacock is blue and a bird. Fuck, oh my character. Arnie, we're at a standstill.

Blue represents Yusidor, but blue humor represents Chunt. That's true. And Peacock? Come on. He does love pee and cocks, but I love the look. She might as well be Mrs. Pistick. Come on. I love the birds.

That's right in my wheelhouse. Arnie, you have to decide who gets it. It's true. Plus, you know, you put blue, Peac peacock and then there's something more there probably. Can I pause it something? How about this? Eustor? You and I will both tug on this piece and whoever gets the bigger half gets the piece.

Fine. I accept your offer. Each of you get a hand on this peacock. Oh no. Just you know you're circling it. Alright, you get a hand on this peacock. Just, no, you're circling over. All right, you said I, that was easy. All right, you said or you are Mrs. Peacock. So I'm Professor Plum, chunk your kernel mustard

and you said or you're Mrs. Peacock. All right, we're blazing along. We have read one rule, rule number two of the setup. I should I should clarify we haven't even gotten to the rule Place all of the weapons in separate random room nice here we go This all right, so let me just put this here Here's my We're No, no, see here's a- no, here's a-

Oh, narrowed tons of poison in all these vials, like Harry with me. No, look, look at these tiny weapons. Oh, those are deadly. Well, let's- if you swallow them, they are a choking hazard. If you are someone under the age of four, I like Earth Games so far. There's- there's peacocks and weapons and all sorts of tenable Just what we need another way for kids to die one of the weapons is a knife here, Chuck. You decide what room you want to put that in Don't stop trying to hit it still hurts even though it's a tiny little knife

All right and this I'm gonna put this in the ballroom All right, and this. I'm gonna put this in the ballroom. Is a wrench. Oh, you said, or what? I thought it was the letter F. I'll put the letter F in the kitchen. Here's a candleabra that I'm going to. What?

It's a candlestick, a big fancy candlestick. Just a candlestick. It's not a candelabra. A candelabra holds many candles. Oh, a candlest stick holds a single candle. Right? This mansion. I hate glue.

What does your mansion look like, Arnie? My mansion looks a lot like this. The stairs don't go anywhere. I keep my balls in the building of room. We already covered that. Hey, I'm going to put this pistol in the dining room. And this, I guess, bigger pistol? Musket?

What's a pistol? What's a musket? Are you trying to say muskrat? No, we have those here. I try not to talk about this too much, but on my world, there are these weapons that shoot tiny pieces of metal and kill people. Oh, boner.

The arms of firing. No, it's like a tiny cannon, like a little cannon that you could put in a holster. Or if you wanted to be cool, you'd like put it down the front of your pants, but then you might like shoot your peacock. Oh, and you said holster was a store in the mall where you teased by clothing.

Yeah, i said that and i totally understand it and you said the best place to get um... to buy something is Spencer's gifts oh yeah especially if you work for the FBI what does that stand for? female, laddle, and get involved

alright the bigger gun goes in the lounge now if there's a big gun why would you ever use a small one? Well, if you need to kill something smaller. Okay. Oh, okay. Or if you want to, or you know what, a big gun is very ostentatious. That's why you keep it in the lounge and you put a little gun in the dining room,

so it's not too distracting. Yeah, and you've told us about ostentatious. He's the guy who goes, yeah, baby. Yeah, he makes me horny. He makes you horny. Yeah, that's his power. No, that's how that works. His power is to make you horny.

His power is to make me horny, as I remember it. Pretty good power. Rule number three. As we chug along. Separate the nine clue cards from the other cards. Shuffle the clue card deck and leave it face down by the game board. Did you see the game's board?

Yeah. Can't you feel it? I can kind of sense it. Number four, separate the other cards into three decks, characters, weapons, and rooms. Shuffle each card and place it face down. Take the top card from each deck and slip the card, take the top card from each deck and slip the cards

carefully into the case file envelope. So no one sees. Are you making up these rules? I'm not. Because if they're printed, you shouldn't be struggling this hard. To read? It's hard to read by candlelight.

I am following you instructions and I have separated these cards as you've asked and I begin to shuffle them even now. And I shall take one from each pile, put them inside the envelope. And none shall know what is inside. You know, I think I can read these rules better if we replace this candlestick that we have here at our game table with a candleabra. Oh, okay. Oh, sure, nice.

The envelope now contains three cards that answer the questions, who did it with which weapon and where? But now why? No motive. No motive, really. It seems like the most important part to figure out. Can we create our own motive? Sure.

Okay. Gelicy. Sexual impropriety just to see if you could miss shape and You know when you see someone they're like when I is like like a little bit higher than the other And you're like I just kill him. What you never have that? No Is that the end of symmetry? I have these intrusive thoughts where I'm like what is going on here? That should stop You know, okay, does that make sense? I think so am I crazy? Why everybody back away from the table?

Hey, by the way though remember the beginning of this game Chant will you put all of your weapons in another room? Stop trying to stab me with the tiny little game piece Stop trying to stab me with that butt plug Tiny little game piece Stop trying to stab me with that butt plug six Shuffle the remaining character weapon and room cards together and deal them all out among the players It doesn't matter some players have more cards than others. These are the first cards. I've set aside These are the character

weapons and rooms oh shuffle together. Yes, go ahead and just look at all of those Oh, okay. Yes, go ahead and just look at all of those. I'm trying to remember what they were talking about. Arnie, should I do a little shuffle all the way? Yeah, I'm doing a shuffle. Yeah, you sure? Can you give me a little top hat? Bing! Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, do. Glue, glue, glue, glue, glue, glue, glue, glue, glue, all right, I'm gonna put this envelope with the giant question mark

on top of the stairs at the middle of the board. And I'm gonna pick it up and open it so we can figure out who did what, with what, and what. No, no,'s the whole game. If someone's murdered, we shouldn't waste time, Arnie. Did you know that most murders that aren't solved within 48 years never get solved? Oh, really?

Yeah. It becomes a cold case. Yeah. Well, I mean, a couple times a year gets cold. I think it's warm again. I'm trying to remember from playing this game as a child, I think. John, you may discover that you yourself, Colonel Mustard, are the murderer. Hey, Mr. Mulder.

So you want to just open the envelope in front of everyone and... Are you ready for that realization about yourself? I mean, if we're being honest, I probably did it. Can I just confess right now? Okay, fine. Let me look. It was Colonel Mustard for sexual impropriety It was Mrs. Peacock what oh piss day for sell lounge With the road oh

Kinky yeah, I didn't auto erotic expectations. She killed herself. No, no, no. I didn't do it What is I what do you call auto erotic if it's not auto? Erotic association. Yeah Man, no, I know it's manual manual Or I can fix it. Is that an actual question you were asking? I mean, yeah Huh, I mean I wasn't that intro listen there's two times of erotic Association automatic and manual Now you work one you have to use your foot a little bit more,

and your hands. You wanted to just dropping that prefix and figuring out for yourself what it might be. And you didn't want to know the answers, that what you were saying? You know what, I really like to just think out loud. So almost everything I think I say, so if I'm not talking, you're not thinking.

I'm not thinking. Well, you're seeing good tracks. That tracks. Go back and listen to the love of Magic Tire and with that nugget in mind. I am really interesting in this episode. Well, I must be brought to justice, so I shall set this game board aflame. K-Leave Lichten collar! Wow!

Well, okay. Survey all stud by fire. I guess so. Yeah, you know, I only... Oh, there's a backup board. Oh, I can put all stud by fire. I guess so. Yeah, you know, I only... Oh, there's a backup board. Oh, I can put this one back together. All we have left are... Yes, yes.

All right, I'm sorry. This setup is taking too long. Let me just, it's sense right here how to win. This is the win condition. Games have a win condition, which is how you know it's done. Well, yeah, it's obviously... You have to go ahead.

Solve the murder. I mean, that one says. Move from room to room making suggestions for who, with what and where. Oh, other players show you a card. If they have one, once you think you've solved it, make your own accusation. Peek inside the envelope to see if you're right.

And if you're wrong, you're out of the game. So be sure. Oh, I think it wasation. Peek inside the envelope to see if you're right, and if you're wrong, you're out of the game, so be sure. Oh, I think it was Mrs. Peekock with a rope in the lounge. Well, are you sure? No. I think it was drip fang trying to frame Mrs. Peekock. That's right. Or any what do you think? I'm trying to remember what I saw in that envelope.

Like I literally looked at it and I- Oh. Wait, on the back of the instructions there seems to be our characters. Oh gosh. Okay. Ooh, what is it? Is it a little background story? Colonel Mustard.

Yeah, that's me. Give it to me. Yeah, you read it. No, I mean, okay. Let's see here. Colonel Mustard, to the outside world, he is a hero. And it checks out. Colonel Mustard, oh, I'm sorry.

This is Colonial Mustard. Colonial Mustard, oh, I'm sorry. This is Colonial Mustard. Colonial Mustard? Yeah, Colonel spelled KeR and EL. No. Yeah. Colonial, colon, colon mustard, is a highly decorated, successful. Oh, see, he has like, a lot of decoration on him.

Yeah, he's like, like, plants, like a nice rug and stuff. Yeah, okay. Highly decorated. A clock. Successful and popular officer. However, behind his metals of honor are rumors of black market deals and treason. Rumors he's been paying someone to keep secret for too long. Mustard suspects Bodie body of being his blackmailer and eagerly travels to loader Tudor Tudor mansions. What's a two door mansion two doors mansion with two doors? Yes, I see. Yes. That makes sense

To do I get mansions have more than two doors mm-hmm Like three lots of open loft space Use the door if you all right read about Mrs. Peacock I know it's hard to read we got gotta get a candleabra in here. Her exact age is unknown, and that's just what of Mrs. Peacock's secrets. Peacock rocketed from small town girl. To where it connected socialite. Little is known of her three husbands.

Other than they all died suddenly. Three husbands? I wonder if they all died suddenly. Three husbands and... I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. Possibly.

Sir Hugh met his end just before becoming a fourth. Peacock has called in many favors to get this invitation to Bowdie's party. What's on her mind? Marriage. Of murder. Could be both. And what could be both, I suppose, yes? And I am Professor Plum, fearlessly tracking down desert tombs,

ancient statues, and lost cities. Professor Plum is an archeologist with a thirst for adventure. Sir Hugh financed all his expeditions until a huge disagreement ended their partnership. With no expectations on the horizon, Plum was b- what the fuck? Hey, are you both drunk? A little bit. With no expectations on the horizon, Plum was bored.

Buddy's body's invitation when it came filled him with hope. He was first to arrive at the party. Are they spelling body wrong? Yeah, it's Mr. Body, but it's why are they spelling it with two Ds? Is that some sort of weird earth spelling? Yeah. I don't know, maybe bodies are trademarked on earth? Hmm. your trademarked on earth? Hmm. Well, I think I should be your character then, because I'm far more of an, well, you could say, call it an ecchaeologist.

I, I go through tombs and things looking for secrets. Maybe I'm an archaeologist on your world. No, look, just like that. I think there's one way to check. How do you feel about snakes? I don't, they're terrifying. Hmm, who's an archaeologist? It's the one thing I'm afraid of.

Snake question. Why did I have to be a snake question? Alright look I don't want to my eyes are hurting from trying to read by this one candle. Let's just start rolling the die. Can you move the candle? Because right now it's like flames, flames on the side of my face. Can you move it? I shall roll the die. What happens then? Alright, so eight. Eight. So now, Mrs. Peacock, you get to move eight spaces on the board. Mmm, it is enough. But I want to go into one of the rooms.

Oh, so Mrs. Peacock should teleport. Yes, can I just teleport right into one of the rooms? Are you where are you clenching your fist? Yeah, fine. Fine, you said or if you wanted to teleport in one of the rooms, go ahead. Fine, I teleport into the conservatory. Okay. There you go.

There, I find a candle stick. And I take it. I hide it in my robes, waking for someone to sneak up behind me, so they may smash them over the head with it. Who is that a candle stick here, pocket? Mm-hmm. Hey, Colonel Mustard. Yeah. So let me smash them over the head with it. Who is that a cannellsick here pocket? Hey Colonel mustard. Yeah, I'm starting to worry a little bit about Peacock. Oh, yeah, why so I think I saw him put a candle sticking of robes

And he did not seem happy to see me. Where's your cat? What? Peacock here. I'm beginning to worry a little bit about Colonel Mustard. Me too. Colonial Mustard! I'm a little worried about Colonial Mustard. What do you want to do about it? I mean, just keep an eye on it. I have a wrench and a knife, a dagger here in my hand of cards. Should I stab him with this card?

No, those are the weapons that haven't been used. All right, Brent and the Hive, I just try to remember these wrench. Knife? I guess I could really just try to remember what I saw in the envelope in the middle of the board. I also have the Colonel Mustard card if you want me to do some sort of mine control spell. So then we know that Colonel Mustard is not the killer. Yet. Or at least not of this murder. Speak to me, Colonel Mustard is not the killer yet or at least not of this murder.

Speak to me, Colonel Mustard. Is that what's bringing into the cards? No, mine and thoughts and feelings. As I shall know yours, I control you now and you are mine. I am not the killer. I am colonial mustard. I did not do it. I am confused as to how to play this game. I don't think he did it. I'm gonna teleport to the kitchen. You gotta roll the death.

Yes, get ice first. Yeah, yeah. Wait, how's come? You sort of gets the teleport, but I don't get the teleport. No, you can tell us. How's come? You keep saying how's come. That's just a cool, that's just my fancy way of talking on my world. You get to, you roll the dice and then you can choose to move that many spaces or teleport wherever you want. Alright, eight.

You got eight. I could move eight spaces, but it's a lot easier for me to just teleport to the kitchen. It makes the dice seem sort of irrelevant. Yeah, I'm gonna grab this F and put it in my pocket. In a food we call two fours box carts. Oh really? Yeah. Like the box cart kids.

Oh no. What? Two kids who fell under a box cart got one more. Oh no. They were trying to solve the mystery, died pretty quick. Were they both four? Were they what? They're both four, yeah.

But they're hearty boys. I mean, they were all fed, but the cart was pretty heavy. Hearty, they're hearty boys. Mm-hmm. Nancy drew them once. Oh really? Yeah, hey Nancy Nancy come here Nancy come here Show show our friend Arnie the drawing you may go away. Yeah, this drawing is post cart. Oh No, oh, why should carry that around with her? I don't know Sad about them being dead. Yeah, when did this happen? Yesterday.

Okay, so it's fresh. Yeah, it's fresh. Yeah, yeah, fresh. But we immediately all started calling to the double four as box cards and they're on. Yeah, yeah, it's on fast. It got on them right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like wildfire. Yeah, it's as fast out everywhere. That new slang is moving faster than a box cart I like that. All right, so where'd you teleport? I tell I'm currently in the kitchen. You don't need to know what I'm doing only mustered Here we go What you get? Oh, I got a six and a five. That's no

Do you want to move 11 spaces of teleport whoever you want? I'm gonna teleport to the bar, and I'm gonna grab a drink. There's no bar on the board. There's bar right behind us. Well, we're in a tab. Are you gonna take your little butt plug piece over to the bar? That's root of course I am.

You guys do anything? Yes, I would like the strong ale, a strong dark ale. Okay, strong dark ale. I have a red potion. No, we can't get you that. No, the strong ale. Well, if Ysler's getting a strong dark ale, maybe you get like a tall handsome ale? Okay, yeah.

Is that okay? All right, I'll be right back. I'll look at that something. All right, Ysler. While he's gone, let's look at all of our cards, try to figure out what it is. All right, Dr. Orchid, uh, dining room. Colonel Mustard Hall. Revolver.

Renched. Uh, candlestick. Dagger. Miss Scarlet. Study. Billured room. Mr. Green. I think they all conspired to do it.

These are all the things that aren't involved in the murder. How do you know that? That's how the game works! Yes, but when a murderer put their card in your hand that is supposed to contain the items that are not involved with the murder, it's exactly what a murderer would do. You're saying it's a conspiracy? Exactly.

The murderer knows that you're going to look at these cards and say, well, they obviously didn't, because I have these cards in my hand. That's what I would do if I were the motor, which I'm not, even though I am. Yeah. What? He what? Well, Mrs. Peacock killed him in the study with the rope, right? What?

Yeah, let me just look. Rope? Mrs. Peacock? But not the study. Wait, not the study? Oh, no, sorry. Cock? But not the study. Wait, not the study? Oh, no, sorry. It was the lounge. It was the lounge, I forgot.

It is the lounge. That's right, I said it wrong, but that was my mistake. I apologize. I have the study card right here at my hand, which means it obviously can't be the study. Yeah, that's how this game works. Yes, I know that, but do you know that? And the murderer also knows that. So all of these cards could be part of the conspiracy. All of these places and weapons could have been involved in the murder.

If the murderer was smart enough to put them in a hands. But that's you. Yes, that's you. Right. You know what? Unless the murderer put to their own card in here, and it's not me at all, and I've been free.

You know what, I'm pulling this tiny revolver out of the dining room. And Miss Peacock, I'm killing you. Jokes on you. Oh no! You're dead, alright. Where do I put this piece? Where do I put this Miss Peacock piece? Put it under the...

Yeah, underneath. I'm gonna hide it. Yeah, okay. Wait, you know what? No, I'm gonna put it under... Yeah, I'm gonna put it under the stairs. Okay, but now I have to find the card that says it's me.'m gonna hide it. I'm gonna see. Yeah, okay. Wait, you know what, no, I'm gonna put it under, yeah, I'm gonna put it under the stairs. Okay, but now I have to find the card that says it's me. I gotta hide it. Give me the bigger gun.

Where's, I haven't seen a card that says me anywhere. Give you the bigger gun. Just in case. Just in case. Just in case, I'm shit-go-sale. Oh, I'm sorry, were you looking for this card? I've been back at the table for some time, Professor Plum. Oh, and I saw you kill Miss Peacock with the revolver in the game.

And I've been working with the FBI this entire time. What? That's right. The foolish boob inspection committee. And I've been paying special attention to you as the biggest boob I know. You big old boob? Tits a frame up. So confess, I have you at last.

But how could I have killed Mrs. Peacock? When she's right here. Well, I'm sorry, that's you, right? Well, all the proof I need is right here. My body hidden underneath the stairs. Oh, god. Hey, stand back. I've got an F, and I know how to use it.

Don't make me F-U. Oh, I think he's serious. Use it or back up. All right, everyone relax. Everyone calm down. Don't forget, Colonial Mustard's a goddamn hero. Yuh! No! F, F-U! F-U! F-U! F-U! Wait, wait! Why are we turning on each other? Don't forget colonial musters. It got damn hero

Wait, wait, why are we turning on each other? Look we all have things we want to hide remember we read them in this booklet We're all bad people We don't need to solve Mr. Bodies murder even though we know that he was killed by Mrs. Peacock and the thing with a place. To be fair, if your name is Mr. Body, yeah, of course you're gonna get killed. Yes, and also a dead body, come on. It writes itself. It's almost like it's so obvious that it can't be true. Yeah, it's like if I murdered Frank Kadaver.

Have you met him? No. He died. Wow, trying to save the box cart, kids. Oh, was he also run over by the box cart? No. But how did he die? He saw the bite, threw up so hard he died.

Yep. Thrups so hard he died. And it was, don't make a mistake, the thing that he threw up so much he died. He threw up so hard. He died. It was one throw up. And he's a hardy man. Did his... Yeah, his intestines came out of his mouth.

Is that gonna ask? Oh my stomach, large, small, long, like a heart, kidney, prolapse lips. Yeah, just sort of flipped him inside out. So hard. Nancy. So hot. Nancy, come here. Nancy, Shum, come here. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, We have to put this murder and all the things in this mansion behind us what I'm suggesting is we burn the mansion We did that earlier You should have set the set the board of flame, but there's a backup board

On earth did a put it in a backup board just in case you hate the game so much you ruined it. Yeah Wow This game really does suck. Yeah, what are these other cards, too? We never did look at these other cards. Oh, also, we forgot to hand out these pads of paper where you can keep track of what you've learned. Which would be useful for us, just in general. I found the secret passage. What?

Where? Look at these cards. Is that where the stairs go? Scream! All players rush to the room of your choice. Hey, this actually feels like it would make the game a little more fun Oh, yes, why don't you tell us about those cards? I didn't know that these existed I don't know if I forgot about them or they're a new addition to the game airtight Alibi it couldn't possibly be name one suspect you want revealed if shown leave card face up on the table here

Let me see that screen come okay. I'm gonna play this screen card, which means we're all gonna screen. Here we go. One, you don't say What I'm saying don't don't say what I'm about to tell you you don't say. I'm gonna tell you something Okay, you can't say you don't you don't say you don't say did you know that professor Plum? His penis Looks like a banana. Like a banana? Not like a plum. Sorry? Not like a plum? No.

I mean, because I am Professor Plum. First of all, you're gossiping. Too mean about me. About my dick. Shit, hold on. Let me play this card. AHHHHH! At Chunt? That's all you need.

Did you know that Mr. Green is cheating on his husband? Damn! Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, when he said he was alright with my plum shaped penis. You should have known that. Wait, how does that work? If your penis is shaped like a plum, where do we go from there? Nancy, come over here and draw this. Yeah, she draws still life. It's not still. Oh, it's moving. It's pulsating.

Get out of here, Nancy. Nancy, get up. Yeah, stop, all of us just stop. All right, can't you see that clue is tearing us apart? What? This game, like I said, this is the worst game. It is the game on Earth that has the widest gap between the potential to be fun and how awful it is.

Like, this should be a really fun game. It's a game about murder and finding clues and playing like weird scuzzy people trapped in a mansion, but it's really just fucking mastermind. Which is actually the worst, I'm sorry, mastermind is the worst game and then clue is that way. No. Wink wink. It couldn't possibly be named one location you want revealed. The Dark Lord's layer. No, it's just car look let's do this Let's trash this building and let's just loot the mansion for things we want to keep fine Like if there's a card you really like or

Scream card Those pair well together near tight alibi. It's probably gonna be useful. I'm going to keep this big gun and I'm going to keep, look what I found and under pressure and I'll use these in some of the other games that we play. Yeah, can you carry over pieces from one game to the next? Yes. Well, I don't think you can do that. Well, I'm going to. Well, I'd like to see you try to stop me. I'm gonna take this picture of Miss Scarlett. Just she looks nice

Oh boy. Well, you know, no, no, no way. No, that's not okay. Then why is your plum pop to attention? And I'm gonna keep the study card because it's always a good idea Learning is important. Arnie. I just want to say is As much as you talked about hating this game and we went into it with a negative attitude and a piss-poor disposition, I want to say that since I played this game with friends, I did have fun. This twine isn't big enough to tie up this box. Yeah, Arnie, what about that twine?

Oh, this is supposed to be the rope for the game? Can I see it? I want to manually succeed myself. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're a small adorable badger, but that's too small. You're auto-affixiating, but you're taking out the erotic. Come on, it's just big enough for one part of me.

So auto-affixiating, how is that different from auto- Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe, Axe,, Axe Fix the a what are you saying? I feel like trying to say that word made me feel like a dog trying to eat like something that doesn't right The butter. Yeah, yeah What's the very difference between auto erotic X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X-Fix X- It's this it's cool that clue steal this word from I feel broom What a broom came it's mr. Body it's mind games within mind games He might not even really be dead. Oh shit what

That's how you win this game. How many different endings does this game have? Look let's not do a bunch of endings. Let's just skip to the good one I feel like the last one would be the good one. Okay, what do you think the last ending ends? I don't know, just hang out and talk about how much we like Michael McKean. Who? He's just an earth actor, it's pretty cool. What's he been in?

Oh yes, what's he been in? Yeah, he made three of his movies. He's been in LeVernin surely. Oh, don't tell about his conquest, tell him about three of his movies. Short circuit two, but not one, but not one. You know, Short circuit one had Steve Gutenberg and Ali Shidi and then they traded up for Michael McKean and Fisher Stevens.

I guess Fisher Stevens was in the first one too. Yes, everyone knows Fisher Stevens was in both of the short circuit movies. And do you get paid to be in movies? Yeah, what was Fisher's price? Dun dun dun dun! All players reveal one card from their hand. That's going to come in very useful in some of the other games we play. Ernie, can I put it? All right fine. I've got a Miss Scarlet card. Oh boy. Ernie, can I?

I got an F a Miss Scarlet in a haul. That is a crime. Don't F Miss Scarlett in the hall. Arnie, can I put out a ending for us? Sure, I'm gonna make three cards here. Alright, okay, I have three cards here. It's a who, it's a what, and it's a where. I need you to guess what these three things are, and they're not who died, where, and with what what it's who's most important with me where and So guests like oh yeah like actually guess. Oh, do you want me to guess who's first? Yeah, I'm well, yes, and remember people these days have strange names, okay? And and then I guess the what second?

Well, who first? Who first? Who first? I'm asking you, who first? All right, come on. What's third, I don't know. Clue! Okay, I'll give you a clue.

The who is right and is very rude. Is it the one? It's Arne's trying to guess, so I'm not going to, unless I can, unless I can take a, take a turn here. Ernie again, yes, to Yusur take a turn. I think the who is ony. Okay. I think the where is the Vemilian Minital. Okay.

And I think the what? Yusur love. Yusur door? You got all three correct. Yes! You are the murderer. Million Minotaur and I think the what? He's love You used to do it You got all three correct. Yes, you are the murderer. What is that how that works? What oh, yeah. Oh, no. Well You got it by the drinks. I shall buy the drinks. I'm off to the bar now to bring you more Drinks to and buy what should you like? Take a tall and handsome beard.

Tall and handsome beard? Red potion. Red potion, no way. How do you play Mastermind? Come on Nancy, let me buy you a beard. I don't remember. I don't remember how to play Mastermind. But you hate it? Yeah.

You can put your plumber away. I know I can. Earth Games! If that's not compelling premium content, I don't know what is. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adelre Fine. Earth Games is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Refin. Post-production Coordination by Garrett Schultz, Special Assistance by Rhyndi Georgi. This episode edited by Steffen Drainjur, Earth Games logo by Adel Reban, the rules theme song by Steffen Drainjur.

If you want to check out more Earth Games along with the new miniseries behind the tavern, then go to Stitcher Premium.com and sign up for a free premium trial with the promo code Magic. Stitch your premium dot com and sign up for a free premium trial with the promo code magic. And you want to do that now because our next mini series coming soon is entitled wait for it. I am spin tax. That's right. Go sign up.

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You're gonna do it. You're gonna do it? I feel like you're gonna do it. Okay. you