Hello From The Magic Tavern - Bonus: Masters of Mayhem - Disgraced Villains

Episode Date: March 12, 2020

To honor the 5th anniversary, enjoy this bonus episode from the Stitcher Premium series Masters of Mayhem! Baron Ragoon and Dripfang cross paths with Squibbert as they set out to return to the good (evil?) graces of The Dark Lord.CreditsBaron Ragoon: Chris RathjenDripfang LeDesparé: Kevin ScirettaSquibbert: Sarah ShockeyRodney the Figurehead: Justin McElroyCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Matt Young and Kimmie LucasPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgi, Arnie Niekamp, Kevin Sciretta and Chris RathjenMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. Ugh, I gotta tell you, get your flu shots kids, time flu isn't no joke, and I know you're thinking they never get the right strain anyway, so why bother?

But if I could be time traveling even a little less than I am now, I would take it. Huh, this is weird, I don't recognize this for my past. Wait, I think I'm in my own future. Or maybe my present? I'm not totally sure if time is continuing to move forward for my body, while my consciousness is on a separate journey, it doesn't even matter. All I know is it looks like I'm about to introduce an episode of Masters of Mayhem, a brand new bonus series starring two of Foon's most nofarious villains, Baron Shanglebirth Regune and Chef and Quizzeter Driftfang Latus Bar.

In fact, it's debuting here and on Stitcher Premium at the same time. And that's a paradox. And hey, if you want to hear the rest of this series, plus our other series, and all the other great Stitcher shows, sign up for Stitcher Premium at Stitcher Premium dot com slash magic. With the promo code Magic, you'll get a free month and you'll be supporting your tavern pals. So go to StitcherPremium.com slash magic and sign up for a free month trial with the code Magic. Magic!

All this time stuff is making my head hurt, so other crag you take the wheel. That's you! You're over here. Woo! I'm okay PV3, just a little time flew, but, uh, it's a course. It seemed to have fully recovered after spending about a week, jumping through the history of our fantastic bonus content. The way I get it, it's all the energy. I was only gone a day. Well, that's time travel for you. I guess that means that the me introducing the five years of food retrospective might still be on his journey. Eh, I'm sure it'll all work out.

By the way, the mysterious man is on earth. My thoughts exactly, but we'll deal with that later. Now that we've got bunker epsilon under control, we need to make a full inventory of all its various rooms and chambers and their unexpected and hilarious quantum effects. P.V.3, why don't you head down to the Toe Paz room and see what funky stuff is going on in there? Ah, thank you. Oh, don't be a baby.

I was trapped for eternity in one of those rooms once. You don't see me complaining about it. I have troubling nightmares about it, like an adult. Now go. I guess about it. Meanwhile it's time to kick off our brand new bonus series Masters of Mayhem, in which after their ignominious defeat in Hogsface, two of Foon's most aphorious, Baron Shangleworth Ragon, and chef-inquisitor Dripfang Le Despart, set out to cause havoc and win the favor of the Dark Lord.

That's right, Dripfang and Baron are teaming up for some premium content hijinks, and it starts right now. Enjoy! Hello from the Bewitched Public House. A weekly podcast from the wretched realm of food. I'm your host, Shangle Birth Regume. If you haven't heard the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About 17 and 10 sixth moons ago, I suffered ignominious defeat at the hands of a wizard, a shapeshifter, and a man from another world, who rained down upon me a fiery conflagration. I somehow survived, but awoke to find myself disgraced and exiled from my lands. But with a laptop and somehow getting a Wi-Fi signal,

I now send a weekly podcast or hope I do, from this week the Jagged Dagger, a tavern in the town of Brindmist, in the land of Foon. And I am joined, as always, by my doubts, regrets, and personal recriminations about how far I have fallen. Ah, let's see. This is the part where I talk about what happened this week before I really get to the main

bulk of the episode which will be interrogating one of my personal demons. Let's see, I saw a play this week, there were some traveling players, I did not like it, I did not like it at all and the reason is that I watched this play and none of the players really looked like me at all. Good Andre, Andre over there, over there. Walk over to the entrance. Stay right there, stay right there, I'm gonna hop off of you and you just stay near the... Stay near the front door, why didn't we use the front door, why didn't we jump through the roof of this place? Oh, yes, alright, I'm climbing down you now, don't fidget, just stay still, I need you to go home

Be good, it's straight, good, good, good, alright, here's some dead meat that I found Other than live meat, Don't give me that look Barkeep Alcohol a poor all of it in a one bowl and then mix it and then pour it in a tiny cup Drip drip fang who speaks my name drip fang who speaks my name? It is I a baron, baron, Ragoon Shale birth. Yes, good thing. Shrink of it. You're alive. You're alive. I'm alive. Wait, okay, prove you're not a painting or the other Swing draw if you're a painting I shall slash thee, but if you are a person then I won't I can only Here I know how to do this step sideways. Okay, Do you see how my eyes do not follow you?

You are a person! Yes! Oh, I just got to get to put my sword away. Here you go. Oh, thank you for this alcohol. One second. Oh, more of the same again. And if anybody tries to drink any of this,

that isn't me, kill them all. If you don't specify, they just give you the thinner they use to strip whole pain, whole pain holes. Who's complaining about that? Okay. You would not believe the time that I have had since Hogsface blew up. I would believe it. Tell me. Okay, so wait, can I just ask one quick question?

I would love it. Did you save me? Okay, I'm going to be honest with you. I saw that you were in distress. We were both in a lot of distress and I prioritized my well-being over yours. No, that's fine. So to answer your question long ways but then short-wise, no, I didn't save you. Okay, I'll just, who saved me?

I don't know. I crawled out of rubble and I got on a giant and ran away to plot my revenge. Oh, how can I tell you what happened to me? Please, please, please. I woke up. Thank you. Go, go, go. I woke up in the woods of talent. Someone had dropped me off at a small brownie village there.

Okay. I had no memory at first. I'll be honest. They put me to work. They do. I was a brownie. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, they're an industrious lot. Yeah. But then I came to and they, I mean, my memory returned, but they had no information about who had saved me or what I was doing. And

I don't know what happened. All right. Well, here's what happened with me. Because honestly, I wasn't listening so much as waiting for my turn to speak. I gotcha. I'm working on it. So I crawled out of the rubble and I followed the trail of the three idiots that tried to kill us. The wizard, the little guy who trained

this thing in dumbass and the polo shirt. Be careful how you speak of Carnival Wilson. He's more powerful than we first suspected. Let me tell you about power, Jack, because I saw it up close and personal. I followed them in the shadows all the way to this school called Gisilnab. I know it. Didn't name it. Don't like the name, but here we are.

And I lurked in the shadows, haunting it, collecting items to build a sword. And I did it. I made it. I built a sword. I called it Obsidian Doom, and it was sweet as hell, and it sucked in light, and it was made specifically to kill a sword and I did it, I made it, I built a sword. I called it Obsidian Doom and it was sweet as hell and it sucked in light and it was made specifically to kill a wizard. So I jumped used the door and his friends but he revealed himself in this resplendent power and thought he defeated me and at the last second to get away from him I took the sword and I stabbed the human and then I ran away on my giant. He's dead? Well? He's dead, you killed him? You killed Arnie? You're getting excited and I stabbed the human and then I ran away on my giant. You- He's dead? I- Well?

He's dead? You killed him? I- Okay. You killed Arnie? You're getting excited and I- I don't want to disappoint you. He- I don't know. Oh, he's not. He's not then. I- I ran away.

He was with a wizard, so anything could have happened. But I just- I shagged ass. If I had stuck around, then I- they would have either torn me apart or tried to turn me into a good person or something, but they're always doing that. They're always trying to convert like I see the good within you. Shout out. It's like yeah, I drink pape thinner. Shout out. Oh, this is dripping my insides. Yeah. Oh, we're good. We're fine. We're back. We're alive. Have you spoken to anyone? No. The Dark Lord's surface. Well, I had my book of sight page with me. Oh.

And that was my only communication with the Dark Lord. And it was not going well. Because every day, someone would get added to it. Which means that I think I'm up a creek, and the creek is made of poop. No. Yes. You are indeed up a creek of poop.

What about you? Have you had contact with anyone? I'm too high-ranking. You run the valley. Ah, it's the... No. Once my memory returned to me, I tried to return to the Shrek Valley. But as I got closer and closer, I traveled in Cognito. You know? In Cognito mode, sure.

Yeah, don't need everybody knowing what you're looking at. To understand what had happened while I was away. Self-discovered. And as I got closer, I learned that my twins, Jamie and Sami, have been declared co-barons of the Shrike Valley. Oh, such conflict. And- Because your children are succeeding where you had succeeded,

and yet you're finding yourself out of a job. Yes. And then from the whispers and guttural growls of orcs at bars, I learned that I was considered to be dead. And finally, I began to suspect that the dark Lord had decided that my usefulness had passed. So just to be clear, I wrote a secret letter to one of my most trusted comrades in Castle Regune, my falconer, DeAngelo Capricius, and I received no response. No response from DeAngelo? I have to assume that I am exiled and hated by the Dark Lord.

Oh no, because usually DeAngelo answers with some sort of message where you only see him from the waist up, he's not wearing a shirt, but he's just cut. He's singing and he's cut. I mean, yeah, he's a good-looking guy. It's a great looking guy. That's never been in dispute, but he's bad at getting back to people. Yeah, well, I trusted him. He and I grew very close as we trained Falcons together.

And if he's not responding to me, then he's forgotten me as well. I'm sorry, do you all have smoothies? Or is it just, you know, the usual cocktails and whatnot? Do you hear that voice? I do hear that voice. I think it sounds like a better familiar voice. I guess a peanut colada soda is not the worst thing in the world. Oh, sounds like it.

A peanut colando? Oh, geez. That's squirret. That's, yeah, that's classic. The stain of peanuts and the name colando. I actually think it's a solid. It's not a great name, but it's fine It's fine as far as the names go. Well, well, well Maybe I could join in on the conversation that's about myself

Hey Squibbers, look at this. It's all done week all the all the dark loads favorites back together again We should have known better than to whisper. Are we all favorites? Is that how it is? Where the dark lord's got, you know, the top eight, you know, people or beings in his space that we can rank. Sure.

You know, we're all in there. We're all, you know, top of five. Oh, that's, I mean, I think the three people beings are sitting here that there are, in fact, three of the top five that would be on that particular listicle. I'm just rosin the experience barrels. Yeah, I was going to say what rosin is barons. You might know how our favor stands Better than we do. What I bet you don't know a whole bunch But nobody scooted over that little you know, bowl of stuff that we can eat for me to sit down and be comfortable here. Thank you Sorry, Elf Rines anyone. Oh, yes. Thank you. Sir

My hmm. I just love these little Elf Rines. This place tap us. Does it do small plays? No, they don't do even smoothies I said it costs you almost zero dollars or whatever. What's the currency here? What's the current? I've been traveling so much. I just landed. I came in through the roof on a dead giant. It cost zero, you know, goblin nuts or whatever. Is it goblin nuts?

I think. To have a blender. It'll pay itself off and force me these. I've got to convert my goblin nuts to coppers then. It's three and a half to one right now. Are you kidding? Yeah. That is insane.

I'm just going to steal. If you get the chomp on your little finger, it makes your finger look all busted up, but then it travels everywhere and you just slide it through. Or you just tap it right on. You just tap your little broken finger wherever they accept, you know, chomp. Okay, well, maybe I'll just do that then, yeah. What's going on with the rest of the... Generalist, how the Dark Lord...

What's he said about us? How does he do... What's... He is into communicating in different styles to the point where a lot of us don't really understand if they're Vail metaphors or if they're you know poems or whatnot. I'm not in the business Riddles and secrets. Yeah, I'm not in the business to take in his messages and bring them out to anybody else It's actually almost the reverse of that and currently I. Thank you for asking on vacation in Monsburg to see the beautiful Tor-Taleeves.

They're supposed to come in real nice this time of year. You'll chortle for turtles. That's the campaign they're going with this year. And I guess they're bringing it in a list. So that means you're meeting. So they went with the first draft on that, eh? I guess so. And you know what?

I've never been in charge of a bit management, but I already think I could do it better. Actually, I am. I'm gonna go and say, tourists work as hard. It's hard, but if you just think you want to put yourself in the shoes of other people, I'm telling you, for the minions ball, have you heard of this? Spittake, minions ball. Yeah, they're going with the theme this year,

give me one despicable minion. And it's sort of like a kickoff for the minions. There's parties, they bring in a celebrity to do a speech. Spit take. Minions, bowl? Well, you really don't waste that alcohol from your bowl. Dispicable. Say it as opposed to do it.

Well, yeah, I'm not gonna just spit paint thinner on the floor. They always say, tell, don't show. That's what I try to do. I can't believe we weren't invited to this. that could have been a despicable me there. Well, that it's a contest and the one minion who can keep them all together wins the prize and gets to be top minion for your and it's more, you know, like what your twins are doing. It doesn't mean anything. It's just like, oh, you're the minion, but it's still nice to be recognized by your peers and collaborators. Banana, we gotta go to this. They're gonna have a ballpark that is just a park

that is a big giant circle of various stone balls, various nitrogen balls, balls from the stars. And you can kind of walk around and it and take pictures with them. Rubber balls? No. Ball gowns? No. No. Ball gowns? No.

No. It's not all types of balls. And we're not unlimited budget here. I'm just telling you what I've heard from the party planning which all the Melves are just so mad about. Ever, they're all mad at each other. Balls of fire. Great ones, yeah.

Okay, guys, I like that. Who is getting invited to this? Everybody, I've got a whole list right here which I will just show you so that you can read it yourself. Melissa death ridge is gonna be there. Yeah she's coming to the window and I think gonna climb in that way as a big grand too. How long till my soul gets it right? This is at least this is a great list Oh, if the minions are tied if the minions are bold you make it fine if the weather holds

Fran gardens gonna be there she's saying insensitive But thin sensitive because it was about being thin skinned in fune., that's wow. That goes across a bunch of different lines. It's just Lilith unfair. Lilith unfair. You didn't read it right? Sorry, I was going to say it. Sorry about that. Oh, and so she'll be there.

Yeah. Lilith unfair is going to be cruel. Grool's going to be there. Breakfast last for so long. You know that song? Even after you're gone, I know. You can't see because I cut your eye ball of that it almost sounded like you wanted to sing better and then you sort of switched

into you know a worse singing voice let your true self shine if you want to sing a beautiful song drip thing I say do it I'm the freckle on drain down oh sorry you too talk I've got to stop he's he's getting fussy again Andre Andre stop it Good old shangled birth birth of a man death of a soul I get 35 beers for my uned giant They haven't specifically said they're out to kill us for a fairie What do you mean which one hardly anybody's talking about it? He's a 20 foot zombie at your front anybody's talking about it. Who's a 20-foot zombie at your front door?

35 beers for him. That's a star, I guess. I'm worried he's gonna get me in trouble here. What's the use of getting in trouble or getting rewarded if nobody knows who you are, where you are, if you're live-in-or-dead? I'd said they gave us our itineraries, and your name's just not even on it. Pights! No, he's not a baby,

put it all in a tanker, then give it to him. You and I used to be bros, but then you went to this fast bar, I got a ticket to anywhere, maybe we could make a deal, maybe together we could get somewhere, but I didn't heard from you in years. I think you feel like. Well, it's, I, I will say for a while there, I was a stranger to myself. Oh, now you really know yourself. Now you know all your likes, you're real patient now.

I do know myself. I am a failure. I am a small time lord that never should have been putting in charge of huge armies under the dark lord. Meeting those damn podcasters was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I could be you know Just chilling out in Shrike right now hunting gummy bears, but instead I'm here at the end of there Sorry, I stepped away for a second Andre takes a lot of care And oh, that's interesting because we couldn't hear any of the things that you were saying to your zombie horse

Oh good thanks for enlightening us about everything that happened in front of our eyes I don't have a zombie horse, I have a zombie giant. A zombie horse is eight feet tops. This one's big. You ride him like this. That's the whole point. A horse is a horse, of course, of course. Well, just because you ride something doesn't make it a horse, the property by which we

would identify him as equine does not serve it such. He's bipedal, and he's a giant alcoholic. Maybe this is a good time for us to take a break. Maybe both of those things. I don't know whether you guys I should have mentioned it but I'm actually recording this as a podcast. What do you got to spit dick? I knew that because I've been listening and that's my job. I'm working on it. And nobody has once out of everyone in this bar, but especially you two who know me. Neither one of you mentioned the beautiful yellow

sun hat I have on my head that I have never worn in my life. Well look at that. And on it it says, I'm a bitch. I'm a mother. I'm a child. I'm a lover. I'm a sinner. I'm a saint. I do not feel ashamed. I feel ashamed. They fit it all all the brim. And that is like a tiny, that was the work of a blacksmith who normally works in much larger. You have a blacksmith to make a yellow. This is ash. This is the engraving.

The hat was made by two little glow bugs that are together now after years of like, will they be together? Won't they be? They had a podcast at the beginning. And it was like, is this are they together? And then they were together, but they didn't tell anybody. Anyways, they make these beautiful hats and I have one. It's a real treasure.

So we just kind of moon lighting as hat makers and then they finally decided to act on this actual tension that had been there the whole time. Absolutely. And they were surprised when they found out that everybody else heard it the whole way along. Well, I mean, pretty crazy. Yeah. They gave us something to talk about. Um, yes, a podcast. I'm looking to recapture whatever magic Arnie had that allowed him to win in spite of his obvious incompetencies. This is nothing to that guy.

Right? Except a giant magic sword in his chest right now. Who? That's what I did. I stabbed him with a giant magic sword. Oh chest right now. Oh, that's what I did. I stabbed him with a giant magic sword. Oh, they call that the listener. I'm saying there must be some magic to podcast that we don't understand.

And part of it is taking a quick break. Well, I don't want to wait for our lives to be over. So let's take this break now. Hi, I'm Rodney. I was a wooden figurehead that came to life here in a beautiful brine mist. Yeah, it's been a weird adjustment, but now I'm here to help you make that same adjustment or your own personal adjustment that sort of parallels my own. Maybe you're a man who used to be a seagull or a seagull that used to be a fish or a mermaid

who hates her dad and now walks among the people. I'm here to help you adjust to land life. I've learned all kinds of things. Words, lion, food, interdisciplinary, grief, scoomish, numbers like 1, 2, 7, 3 and the most powerful of all 2 billion. Land tips like drink lots of salt water, don't anger flowers and real estate is always a solid investment unless it kind of adjacent. For just seven gold pieces, I can give you one session of adjusting to land life. That may require more. I don't know.

It depends on how many pieces you got. Don't wait. Act now. Let's get Rodney. That one's out working progress. I'm not settled on that one. Look look look This paint thinner is dynamite you guys should get yourself some I

Can't see there is a puddle forming under your ass Yeah, how exactly do you drink if you don't mind my asking drink thing? Oh, what a question. You are always so insensitive. This is the one thing I don't miss is having to clean up your social snaffos. Well, it's a fact. Here's, but here's how you say it. Okay, great. Tell us about your experience as a drinker. Well, somebody's been in the HR Dark Lord Department. Oh, I've been sitting. I've been planning to give me one despicable minion. So it's a lot

about, you know, sales and joining, getting more people to join the dark lord. Look, all I'm saying, I'm sorry if I offended you there, I'm just saying my understanding of how you know what your deal is implies you would be a problem drinker. Yeah, okay, well you know, and then here we go with the negative language again. Okay, I'm a thousand snakes inside of a skin suit, right? Because I was, that's how I was born. And then I had to downsize. So then I was part of ghost deals. But then I invited all my snakes back to work. Once we separated from the the temporary alliance at the dark lord Arnie and

his dumb friends, did they all come back or did some take another. Yeah, I was going to ask the same thing. I had to make some significant offers to some people vis-a-vis compensation. And by cobrasation. Cobras, thank you. Yeah, well,obra-sation. Cobra, thank you. Yeah, well, that's the health insurance they're all on. They're all on Cobra. And that'll be, they could extend that to their offspring until they're 26. And the rate is usury.

It's garbage, but it's the best they can do. Squiver, how long do snakes live? You know, it varies wildly, especially considering how many more options they have these days. I should have just asked you. I was meant to be a whisper. Again, that's a bit of a, yeah, that's, we'll work on it.

I do have one undead snake. So I have 999 snakes and one undead snake because one did get killed. And I'd raised, Blinda, and I raised her from the dead. And now she's, she works inside me again. So now it's, yeah, we're back up to a full grand. She's nice though, right? She's great! So you have 99 snakes and a bitch ain't one. Hit me. And so, problem with drinking for me is that I formed all the snakes into a basic musculature and then other snakes into a skeletal structure. So there's hardest snakes inside and then

Lucer, more sinewy snakes on the outside. And I just have to get some of the, a soft, a geolipotment in order to get the old good stuff down the gullet. And then they all kind of figure it out from there and various, so it's like playing Taylor phone. They're just tailoring where it goes and they pass it along to which snakes need, you know. Exactly, they put it where it needs to go.

And that makes sense why you'd have such a big old bowl because there's, you know, snummicks to feed. Right, as experienced you said it exactly. Can you imagine if you could go inside the snakes inside your body, then go inside one of those snakes, and then they're made up of snakes, and then they're made up of snakes, and it turns out we're all snakes.

Snakes all the way down? I would love that. You just blew my mind. That would make me way more important than I normally am. The world would be ever clear, and I think it'd be wonderful. Grapeng, I think this minion ball presents for us an opportunity. Give me one despicable reason why.

I'm just joking. We have so much branding going on right now for give me one despicable minion. And it's all just like, we're trying to come up with catch phrases for the different areas and like, what's the, you know, what's our V2 dads that we're doing, you know? Sure. See as long as we're all being ever clear, I want to get to the dark Lord and tell him I am still living with your ghosts. He's only making one appearance and it's going to be at 1115 and dreaming of the West Coast. So we'll be doing like the speeches. And what we're gonna do first is give out a lot of crappetizers, but they will be walking crappetizers.

So there you'll have to find somebody, but the bar will be open. So these are beings that will be eating? The minions will all be eating. But I'm saying are the crappizers walking around they're walking around to their deaths and will be tearing chunks out of the ties. It's meant to be. And this is all part of the plan. Sure. They walk out, you know, the whiter's with the trays. Oh, this is a fancy, you

know, event, everybody's dressed up masks optional. Some prefer it. Mask on, fuck it, mask off. Yes. And you can switch but you know, the mask, like if you're already wearing a mask all the time. You're allowed to choose one status of mask. And then during the mask switch at the mid-point of the evening, you may switch or you may choose not to. But at no other point can you switch because there's a lot of trickery going on. And we have to have it be that the switch all takes place at one spot to, you know, sort of keep our eye on the fuckery. Sure.

Yeah. The monitor of the fuckery is the primary concern. And so everybody switched masks, but we're all wearing masks. Because everyone gets to choose mask on or mask off. But then there's one other point where they may make a choice to change or keep that status. This is so infuriating to me. Because I was the chef inquisitor. And one of my specialities was

Crapatizers. Well, what they're going to do is when they come out with the silver trays, of course, then they'll pull the silver top off and you'll see a big plume of magical pink smoke. And then the Crapatizers are loose. And the waiter's job at that point is to act like, oh no, this isn't going how we planned it. But that's the fun for everyone to try to help, but they're just eating the crap appetizers out the floor. And they're hopping around, honest to God, a lot of them look like little versions of me, but they have mean little faces, say don't feel bad eating them.

You don't think about how they have a family and a soul and dreams and all that. It's like, oh, it's ugly and it's a little shrimpie boy. It just dip it in some, you know, goobly dudes and eat it. You know what's radish goobly dudes and just pop it on down. But we think that'll be a good way to get, you know, the energy up before a forced activity where everyone's going to have to go up to the ice fountain and just chip, chip, chip, chip away at it until it's gone. We have to get to this.

I know we aren't and I know that. You're not on the registration. I will tell you that and I have been working on the badges. It's not my job, but the crew just get so overworked and I just think they could use a little break. So I said, all stuff these badges. They're pretty set on no more helpers, although they do need a couple of carry

around the brand buckets people. Nobody ever wants to do that. It's the worst job on the list. It's the entry level work. It's given to the lowly. And you are not allowed to look at even the employees that are one step above you that are like, you know, trying to keep the crappetizers in one place before the big show. And they'll never see any part of the dinners. You can't look at them.

Yeah, if you're carrying around a brine bucket and you look at anybody, I've enchanted when I was when I was making this food, I would enchant the Brian so that if you made eye contact with anybody that would rise up and strangle you to death. We have to get to this thing. Where is this happening? Okay, so it's gonna be at Clarice Claire's Moon Palace. Clarice Claire. Yes, we secured Clarice Claire's Moon Palace.

Now she will not be there. She will be on to her actual Moon Palace on the moon that she and her family own. But we have a connection with her best friend and it's a little unclear if it's okay that we're doing this, but like come on It's Clarice Claire's moon palace. It's the dream of every vague organization to have their function at Clarice Claire's moon palace. I mean, I didn't even know that was on the table. I mean, do you remember a few years ago, when Simon shares some palace, was where everybody was going,

and then he had that sort of little snafu where everybody found out that he had been sending out weird mind messages to his employees, and then shortly thereafter. Big scandal. Nobody has a problem with Clarice Claire. She's always on point. She has silvery moon hair that's as long as a thousand worlds.

And it's her house. Clarice Claire. She is whether you are evil or good. It is across the board. Clarice Claire, she's always there. She's got a thousand world length hair. We all know the rhyme. We all know the rhyme.

We all know the rhyme. Her marketing is tight. I said get me rhyme. We all know the rhyme. But it's her marketing is tight. I said get me in a room with those marketing people. I'm not even that interested in this stuff. But when I get sort of around it, then I start going, oh, here's what I do. Oh, here's what I do. But I have hopes and dreams bigger than that. It's like when Mittens has their final game of the year and I don't even watch it for the game. I watch it for the atmosphere. The atmosphere. The drip thing you were so fun. I'm losing it up. You know I had a hard road. A couple of your snakes are losing it up to you. Hey, back in here, you're on the

clock. Andre, no notes, you're doing great. So correct me if I'm wrong but she lives on the Funstie River, correct? Down on the Funstie River. Well, that's where the moon palaces. So you could potentially jump in the Funstie River on a tube and just kind of make your way down. And then you'll be coming out right around where the the brine slop circle is. And that's where all the brine comes from. So the water starts getting itchy at first,

then it gets burny, then it gets sandies. Sure does. And then when you pull over, finally, you're right by the brine buckets and but you will need a crisp white suit if you do take the the role of the brine bucket carriers. How do we get invited to this? You're not going to get invited the only way in is back door is the brine bucket carriers. No, I'm not doing that. Not an option. We already have the badges made. We have

lunches planned. I want a badge. I want a lanyard. I want a packet that describes the day's events. I want to see co-workers engaging in conversations that will lead to inappropriate behavior that has to be addressed when we all return to the home office. I want to have a room of my own. I want to have a little gift bag in it. I want to have a room of my own. I want to have a little gift bag in it. I want to have a- Okay, you're only gonna get that if you're a key Nord speaker. Have a little bag of red potion for my hangover the next morning.

I want it all. Now, that's not what you're gonna get as a regular. You have the regular attendee package strip thing. What you're asking for is the Key Nord Speakord package. Key Nord Speakord. And we've already booked Lord the Key Nord Speakord. Lord? This thing is banging! It's a Clarice Clare as the booked Lord. Lord's going to talk about that moment that we all know about when the ship looked like it was going to crack clean

in half and then he put one booted viking foot on one side of the crack and one booted viking foot on the other side and squeezed his thighs and squeezed him and squeezed him until the boat came back together. And then he sort of talks about how you can apply that to like more of a selling the dark Lord's mentality in your everyday life. This is absolutely something that we have to see. I actually don't know that story, but you've never heard, I mean, that was a very specific.

If you were having any time. I don't know what I'll find out about it when I hear the speech. Damn right. That, and you know what? I just am so excited for you to be one over above Lord because you and I are not going to each other like, oh my god, you're going to hear about, you know, the part

where his nipple started leaking. And it looked like everything was going to go to heck. And then the crew pulled together, one team, one dream, one scream, one seam, and sewed it all together. It's an inspirational story of individual achievement inspiring a group to be at its top potential. And it involves nipples bleeding. All right.

And it's going to be one despicable memory. Banana. Crypt-fang, what? How do we get an invite? I know you're saying we can't, but I'm not gonna help you. We're not asking you. Thank you so much. How do we do this?

What is the dark Lord? Respect above all else. Power. Exactly. And how did he get his power? He seized it? Exactly. And seizing involves, I mean, he seized it. We're having seizing involves, I mean, we're having a seizing

salad after the after the appetizers. Every part of this is my dream. So he seized it. He also bewitched it. He also seized it. He teased it and ultimately sneezed it. He did well put. We all know the realm. All know the run. So here's an interesting thing that I've just got a message about. Apparently.

How did you get the message? Well, we are all in a network of fraud, ish, message delivery. Right, sorry. And my little sun hat actually does help me hear and understand more a greater range. So it is for work, but also it's beautiful and I love it. It's like rain on a summer's day. You know, it's a free hat when you're already paid for it. So Lord is apparently supposed to have like the number one pump them up, help everybody out, you know, like hype guy who is travels with them all the time. And I think his name was like Chester,

Chester Chester. He's the bester and he get everybody chanting. Well, it turns out that he has just been sucked into a putting vortex and they don't know ideally he comes out on the other side. Most people do, but you know, it's like so inconvenient. What's up? You can't make plans. You know which vortex you're supposed to go to and then you get down in that one and it takes you all the way up to the stop that skips like 90 other vortex stops. Yep and then you just

fuck out of luck. Exactly. So the problem is this is coming up you know in however many days conveniently for the plot and I think that he needs a hot man and nobody's gonna step up because it's Lord. We all know I mean you know, but maybe if there's someone who didn't know like who wasn't so intimidated by him that could sort of like understand and respect, like he's great, but also pump up the crowd and we do not have, I can't think of anybody. And I just reached out to Clarice Claire's assistant

to the assistant to the assistant but I'm not gonna get a response. What hypes people up more than achievement? The answer is nothing. Oh, alright. This is what we have to do. If we're going to get in, is we- You sound like you really speak that lango, that crapp-r-lango of the Dark Lords, you

know, crick-off. Oh yeah, I buy all the way in. When I joined up with that outfit, I wanted to know everything about it. And I know that one of the things that he respects most is hype and he respects achievement. So if we're going to do, we have to prove that we're supposed to be there. We have to, we have to. Well, you're not gonna get an invite.

Dress up, will you just let us do this? You're engaging in negative speak and I've had enough paint thinner to know. Yeah, who's being negative now? Thank you, you know, I love when you lash out like that. That is always what I tried to get you to do when we partnered up. And I am really starting to see the seeds of the trees that I planted.

You know what, I just, I don't think you need to be angry when you're, you know, condemning somebody's village to burn. It's even creepier if you're calm about it. It's so disturbing. Beautiful. If you're cackling and you're raging and you're barfing all over the place while you're doing it, people expect it. But if you just, if you're just like sort of chill about it, oh my people talk about that forever. So what we're

going to make them talk about forever is the fucked up things that we do on the way to this party. Yeah, yeah, we can, we can make a trail of destruction that would turn everyone's attention, even maybe Claire Clarice from the moon. Oh, could you? Clarice, Claire, I said it backwards because I was looking at the badge. Oh, that's, Claire Clarice from the moon. Clarice Claire, I said it backwards because I was looking at the badge. Oh, that's Claire Clarice is that haunted statue. Oh, the one at cries. Right, and it's translucent. So you cry, does everything. You see that shit, yeah.

So you can cut it tear. Have you ever gone? Because when I went, I was like really expecting something cool, just a little bit of snot. It was a little disappointing when I went to, it was just like. Who sees her shit? Does anyone ever, is that just in the brochures? Well, I mean disappointing when I went to. It was just like, Who sees her shit? Does anyone ever, is that just in the brochures?

Well, I mean, when I went, I didn't see her shit, but I saw the shit in her. I was like, oh, I obviously came a day early. It's coming. And the people who like work there like, oh, you just missed it. They always say you just missed it.

I would love the dirt sheet on the employees there and like the maintenance of clear clear East. I would, oh, I just wanna know. I wanna know how many viewers she gets weekly. I just want once for them to break K-Fave and tell us exactly what's going on behind those scenes. So we on our way to this, we just, we find the most evil of the evil.

We do the most vile of the vile. And when we are rolling deep, in just evil deeds, big-ass deeds, then we are going to show that if it bleeds it leads. I like this rhyming thing. You know, and that's the kind of thing that a hype man does. They can't turn us away. All right.

Hey, could I just dip it? Little, little like if you were hyping up, Lord, because with your knowledge and your newness, I think the two of you could actually maybe get enough clap to be Lord's. Well, I don't know, but I just want to hear what it would be like if you were hyping up a crowd, you know. They all have the same shirts on. What do the shirts look like? They are.

We've designed them. They have pointy spikes that go inconveniently out and then we're gonna see them all in chairs side by side by side by side so there'll be a lot of kind of scooting of spikes out of people's eyes they're a little flexible but they definitely hurt if you hit them at the wrong angle. Alright so it's more of like a road warriors feel while they're wearing these. It's a bit of a road because they are on the road to the dark lord and they're pointing at the sign and it's big black, spikyly dingles and very close quarters and then they all have their long, long lamyards that are just big tongues and they do lick people that they

like to speak to to kind of help people break out of their shell. So they sense that you want to talk to someone, the tongue will reach out and lick their tongue of their land yard. And then they have to make an introduction and at least talk to each other. And if they don't, the tongues link around each other and they sort of make out a new friendship between the landlords that we design for them. They're not done. Oh, and they're not done. They will pull you closer and closer and closer.

We go with the check and then let's. Let's. Let's. Hop on on you. You can get them to stop linking up those tongues is if you touch your own tongue to the partners tongue of which they have. And then basically an evil kiss is the only thing that breaks that introduction. Okay.

And that'll be happening in between the spikes throughout all day, every day of this one evening event. Great, so that's canon. And what we have to do is make sure that it all happens, and we'll get in there, and we'll immediately be like, Who's ready for Florida? Who's on board? I know where the baddest is stored. If you're here, you won't snore. Come on, Baron, you've got this. You can hype too. Just rhyme it.

My spikyly but dangled hordes. I stand before you, victorious. And also, for victorious, what? Could I give you one note? Is for victorious going to be there? For victorious is making an appearance allegedly, but we can't put it on the brochures. Foon sexiest, minute or four torres.

Now, if I could give you one note, Baron, when you're trying to hype up a crowd and you end each line with a deep sigh and just going down, it doesn't really help them to sort of celebrate and, you know, maybe keep in mind they all wearing those spike shirts, maybe get all the way there. There you go, a little up. He's ready. Yeah. You got a point for applause with your voice,

not your desperation. That's one of the seminars. Then that is what we will do. Yes. People will teach seminars based on what we do this day. One slight wrinkle. I love this plan. I am totally about this.

I am not any part of this. I've just been shooting the shit with my friends. You have been too helpful. Well, thank you. I am all about this trail of Mayhem and Misery that we're about to enact. I do have a standing obligation, however. Oh, you know how I mentioned I was found and saved by the brownies. Yeah. So in that same wood, there is in fact a brownie monastery. Oh, I bet they are just working so hard.

They're those industries, little brownies. They are, they really are. Blitz inspiration. And, well, they are the Cooing Monks, and they make this very special beloved ale. And the brownie who had taken me in promised someone that he could transport some of this Cooer's ale. The Cooer's ale. Yes. promised someone that he could transport some of this cures ale the cures ale Oh, that'll be so nice because we've been looking for a way to kind of get a lot a little more variety Oh, we have is the Miller's lights and they're just their millers. Yeah, and the lights don't stay lit

No, they're supposed they're supposed to be lit the whole time you're drinking it But they're supposed to see them inside of you once you drink them They're supposed to burn bioluminescently inside you and they never do. Well- But those little glow bugs who made my hat did. Well, bless their hearts, too. Bless their hearts. I have in this satchel 24 wooden brownie-sized barrels of the Kewers there.

Can I see one? Oh my god, don't go back. It's the Kews, I would never. I would never. Okay, I know the value of a Kewers. That is so adorable. Andre, look. No, no, no. I would never know the value of a cooers. That is so adorable. Andre, look, don't take it, you're too big.

Drink the 65 beers I got for you during the ad break. You know, Andre's skin is a little dry. Don't you have some kind of grease or something or like an oil you could lather them up in? I have a oil cannon that I keep in a bag. Does he like it? He loves it. This has to be transported very quickly, or they'll be troubled. Then that's what we'll do.

With a capital T? And it rhymes with C, and that stands for Cours. They're brownies, so I mean, it's a little T. That's really cute to think about. Thank you for that. With a lowercase T, it rhymes B, and that stands for B. It rhymes with an uppercase T. They're the same letter. It stands for BOO. But you know what?, that rhymes B, and that stands. It rhymes with an upper case T. They're the same letter. It stands for Boo.

But you know what? Nobody's going to comment on that when you're hyping a mumbo. That's right. T. When I blazing in there, town ready to sell them what I got. It doesn't rhyme with J. He's going through the whole day. Alphabet.

He'll start with this one and then go on to other forms of communication. So we have two jobs. We need to transport that, cooers, and we are going to get sued. And also, we need to get to this minion's ball. Yes. I'm sorry. Could you please call it, give me one despicable minion. I'm not really sure I'm going to say the whole title every time.

Give me one. And then everybody chance back despicable. And then I go, Min one. And then I go, min one. And then they hold up the one. We're going to give them all these giant foam claws. And they'll have to raise them up in the sky and then blast off fireworks all at the same time. And this isn't enclosed, obviously.

It's Clarice Claire's moon palace. So we have to be careful. But they're kind of like little sparks. and they might get in the eyes of people. Sure. It's going to be a little chaotic, but I think that's good for a team. You should be able to deal with anything that comes along. It's a free benefit that's set up to be a benefit, but is in fact large inconvenience. If there's anything I've learned about business and corporate culture, it's that.

Sorry, it's dark, Lord, and corporate culture. It's that. Sorry, it's dark, Lord, and evil culture. I think we said the same thing. If something harmful happens, it's a lesson. And if something happens good, it was planned. Absolutely. I think you could be a really great height man for Lord. And you know what, Baron?

Your confidence and your honesty has really impressed me today. And I'm proud of you. And I know that you're going you're gonna act like shove off the compliment I don't want it but I hope you treasure it later. I'm at a really low place I will take that compliment. Cheers, Gooch! To the road! Well I don't know how y'all are gonna get there because it's happening in just one bold night which is what we're calling you know basically a month but we can't really commit to dates because a lot of times if you do the clients kind of expect something and then you want to you know, basically a month, but we can't really commit to dates because a lot of times if you do the clients kind of expect something and then you wanna, you know, over-promise and under-delivered.

Also, so many people have their own calendars, you know, like a month for us, one person is different. I tell you what, those brownies months are about 18 million, I don't know, it's just there's so much more intense over there. I made my own calendar, it just says, fuck off. We'll make it to the minion ball. And on our way, we will use this podcast to prove that we are the sort of villains that

belong at the right hand of the Dark Lord. Then it's going to need a villainous name. Oh yes. Something that describes the two of us, some sort of tag team of terror, some dark duo of dooms Dominion I like this alliteration yeah okay cool cool yeah yeah yeah Romney literacy let's give the villainy the the okay that that was no good that was no good take the off the the sinister squad. That's oh yeah. We will be the mystros of mutilation.

Missed you. Okay, there is too fun. Little too fun orphan boys. Yeah, no, no, no. I am orphan, but I did it. Okay, so. What's master? Master master. Okay, uh, uh, some, okay, so... Ooh. Mmm, what's... Master.

Master, master, master, okay. So that's, that's got some to do. That's in, that's in right there. Yeah, right. That's got some chomp to it. Of mischief. Okay, again, they will ditch that. Mmm, uh, masters of...

What? Yeah. Mayhem. That's it. Master's in Mayhem. Great. That's what we'll call ourselves. Yes. Barkeep, load me up some grotesque.

No, wait, this is a podcast. We need to go out on some outro music. Oh, okay. I have on this magical copy of the Earthman's laptop, I have something called Garage Band. Oh, Garage Band. They're all sorts of beats and tempos that you can create. something called garage band. G-G-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O This is going to sound mean. That's nothing. That is absolutely nothing. Well, I've been working months on that. Okay, well that is time you will never get back.

Or can you do better? I think I can. Watch as I rise spirits from the dimension of the ether realm to sing our praises, celebrate us all spirits. Rise spirits from beyond, to honor the Masters of Mayhaph. I gotta say with enemies like those two, who needs friends, am I right? Well, Masters of Mayhem stars Chris Rathgeon as Baron Shanglebirth Ragon and Kevin Serretta as Drip Fang latest bar, featuring Sarah Shocky as Squibbert.

Masters of Mayhem is produced by Matt Young and Kimmy Lucas, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, special assistance by Ryan D. Georgie, Arnie Neacamp, Kevin Seretta and Chris Rathjan. This episode was edited by Garrett Schultz. The Masters of Mayhem logo was created by Aller LeBond, the Masters of Mayhem theme was created by Eddie Poland. Ah, back from your mission, I see. What did you find the Topaz room? Huh, you look a little under the weather, better run a scan to see what's up.

Hmm, temperature nominal, fragmentation levels within standard operating parameters. Just eating embryo appears healthy. Nothing out of the just eating embryo! PV3, you're pregnant! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM You