Hello From The Magic Tavern - INTERLUDE - Cowboy World

Episode Date: March 6, 2017

Hello from the Dusty Saloon! Let's check in with the town of Hogswood.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChamp the Horse: Adal RifaiUlysses the Cowboy: Matt YoungMiss Quibbert: Sarah ShockeyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Evan JacoverTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzAdditional Music: Aric JacoverYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The following podcast is not real, but not in the way you're used to. And while it may now seem like they're an infinite number of dimensions, like when two mirrors face each other, let's just remember that mostly happens in American apparel dressing rooms, and no one can get behind child labor. I picked up this signal from the cowboy world, are you sure about this? Oh yes! I picked up the signal from the cowboy world. Are you sure about this? Oh, yes. The cowboy world is all sorts of buzzy, future retro, and besides, if we don't use the modern-erring equipment once a week, the whole thing just locks up and the souls of all those children will escape. I mean the batteries will escape. I thought I heard the equipment crying late at night once.. No silly, that was me. Alright, let's have a listen to the podcast that's been happening all this time from the

high budget Think Piece made reel, The Cowboy Dimension. Enjoy the show. Hello from the Dusty Saloon, a weekly podcast from the Wild West world of High Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neckamp, if you've never listened to the podcast before, this was going on. About two years ago I fell through a dimensional portal behind a golden corral in Chicago into the magical, actually a suburb of Chicago. There aren't really a lot of golden corrals in Chicago. But anyway, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a golden corral into the old western

cowboy world of high fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the golden corral. Don't know why they have Wi-Fi now. And I used that to upload a podcast, I record every week in the saloon, the burgundy bronco, in the town of Hogswood, in the land of Haifun. And I'm joined, as always, by my sidekick, my good pal. I'm Yolissi Stila Moore, wildest gunsling in all-all you ever met. Wanted in 12 counties, yet known for my bravery and noble heart by those that ain't

trying what to manipulate me. The native folk know me as dances with lights and shadows. The Spanish know me as my Strode Chaos. And I am known by those dogarm pink chains in the Norris as Magic Jack star. How you doing today, Ernie? Pretty good. I've been thinking about saying Magic Jacker. I do not care much for when you interrupt my name.

Okay, I'm sorry. I am magic jack. And you have... I know that, I'm known by magic jack by those Northeastern them, rotten old pincardons, because they's, they's always trying to throw me in jail. Oh yeah. And I was too slick for a magic jack.

Why do they want you? Why are the pincardons after you? Oh, you see, well, I had it a checkered past, and then one day I looked up and I I I saw a bird flying through the sky Hmm that majestic bird changed my life I went and I spent a whole year with the native peoples of this land and they taught me what was what and now I'm on the straight Narrow Wow, I'm a I'm a helping hand that goes from town to town doing good and doing right deeds. Now you say you're helping hand that goes from town to town but it's the

two years that I have been here in Hogswood. Yeah. You have not seen you really leave very much. Well you know I kind of come from here in Hogswood and you know I am concerned that I'm finally going to have to take on these pancreas, maybe round up a posse and go after them. You know, their leader, Donnie, who has been a thorn in my side. Yeah. Well, I'm also joined by my other co-host. Mmm, howdy partners. It's Champ the Talking Horse.

Hey, Champ the Talking Horse! How's it going? Pretty good. It's so crazy that there's a talking horse in this town. Yeah, I mean, I'm the only one that I know of, but I'm always on the lookout, you know? And this is going to seem like a weird question, and I don't even know why I'm asking it.

You're not like a shape shifter that changes into different animals. I'm a gold sifter, a pan sifter, if you will. A pan sifter? I pan for gold, done by the river. Oh, that's amazing. But you're also, you are just, also you are a horse, a talking horse. What else would be? Well guys, I just you know, it's weird

This is our 100th episode of hello from the Dusty Saloon. We've had so many great guests I've learned so much about this old-timey wild westie world of high-foon and I just want to thank you guys. Thank you for keeping me safe because I'm a stranger in a strange town Well, thank you Arnold not to hereby declare that I will do whatever it takes to make sure you get home to your beautiful Waffenchatz someday. Yeah, I hope that's the case. Oh hey I gotta remember to crank this hand crank generator to keep my computer. Oh yeah I gotta keep the juice flowing.

Luckily I have a basic rudimentary understanding of science. It took me a little work, but I was able to make this thing. Do not ask me to explain how it works. I'm very impressed by all your technical prowess. Yeah. Well guys, I'm very excited to talk to our guest. We are joined by a newcomer in town. She seems to be from...

Who was straight? Out of state at least. We're talking to, and please correct me if I get this name wrong, Miss Squibert? Miss Squibert, yeah, that's my name. Squibert. And I'm so grateful to y'all for just showing me around. I mean, I get into this town.

I says everything's different than what I'm used to. Yeah. I'm not used to any of this. Good evening to you, ma'am. Ma'am, a champ takeoff at. Oh, yep. I'm sorry about that. That's all right.

I never expect a horse to show chivalry. Oh, well, this horse does. Let me take off my bid as well. Oh, shimmy at the bids. Yeah. It is so nice to see you. It's nice to meet you. Yeah, meet you, yes.

And what was your name again? It wasn't Magic Nothing, was it? Magic Jack Star is one of my gnome to plumes that is for show. Interesting. I thought I might have heard about you from I come just way up in that direction that I'm pointing in. Oh wow.

The Northeast. Bad with direction. Ish, I'm so bad with directions. I wish there was some kind of thing where you could like, I don't know, put a rat on your shoulder and it would just say turn left at the, you know, cross, you know, turn right when you see the river, you know, that kind of thing. Oh, you should see the world I come from.

If you could come through the dimensional portal and see the world, the land of Chicago that I can do. What do you think I would do there? Well, you'd be excited because there are rats everywhere. Oh, that sounds so crazy. But Arnold's words also full of sorts. It's all right. Technical wonders, gadgets and do-dads, all sorts of things.

Some things to do with America. My father's a professor. Ooh, I have a gluten. Yeah, actually I come for money. Wow. Yeah, absolutely. Sometimes I should take you to touch-tongues-cavern. What happens there?

Yeah, what happens? I have to touch-tongues-cavern. Why don't you tell me what happens at touch-tongues-cavern? You go with a date to touch-t Tung's Cavern. What happened there? Yeah, what happened? Touch Tung's Cavern. Why don't you tell me what happens at Touch Tung's Tavern? You go with a date to Touch Tung's Cavern. You touch your own tongue. And if you accomplish that, you can leave whenever you like. Wow, champs up with that.

Mm, I like that. I might use that. Yeah, just consider it. Actually, can I ask you guys something? I want you to be totally honest. We've been doing this for a while. Yeah. You know, when I say, um, howdy partners,

and I say clip-clop, it feels like sometimes I'm just punching an unliving version of myself. Does that make sense? It certainly does. It certainly does. Like I'm beating a dead horse. Oh, should I lay off the bits? I don't think so. I think that I think you should put that bit back on and champ at it some more. I say, um, I say you do a feels right. way son. But yeah my father does a lot of that, you know, steam type of, you know, engineering. So every time I go home, there's some kind of hissing in the basement and I just felt like I've been under wraps

for too long and I needed to get out and sort of, you know, test the waters and wear my own boots and walk around with them. Oh, so you're out here in a Western town of Hogswood to kind of so your wild oats is a word. Exactly. If I had any wild oats, I'd be sowing them right now. You sure this talk about oats.

Let me go ahead. I'm going to order a round of oats. Would you guys like a dust bowl? I'll have a sasparilla. Sasparilla? Two fingers of whiskey. Two fingers of whiskey, dust bowl? Just a cream soda.

Alright, I'll be right back. Oh, champ, man. I love that horse. What a great guy Yeah, and that bar made has the biggest hits. I've ever seen in my life I know is that like a requirement if you're gonna work in a place like this I just have to be like yaddle died on clinker however you say it. Oh, that's us now I'm so excited. What's this now? What was clinking for those that just- Yeah, like you clink the glass, but as a side effect, your tips clink together as well. I don't know why she said Yaddle died all to be honest with you.

I reckon in all my days I ain't ever heard a woman's breasts make a clinking sound, but you've never met the woman that my dad makes out of middle and steam. Careful though, that's daffinny. She's got kind of a temper. I will not cause any problems with her. There you go, Sesperrilla, two fingers of whiskey. Here's your, yeah, Sesperrilla, right? Oh, I got a cream soda, but I'll drink.

I'll drink a Sesperrilla, that's fine. I am not one to ever send anything back. All right, let's cheers it. Yeah. Cowboy Knight. Cowboy Knight. Cowboy Knight. Well, you know what, Champ, you were saying you were worried about people Let's cheers it. Yeah cowboy night cowboy night Well, you know what champ you were saying you're worried about people not liking your catch raises and stuff

But all of the thousands of emails we've gotten over the last two years sent to dusty saloon at puppies that supplies They all just really Which is a real email address and you can reach me at champ at gmail.com that's champ with 16 p's and definitely Expect those to go somewhere you can also reach me on Twitter at saddle be the day. Oh, yeah Oh, absolutely, but as I was saying we've gotten so many emails people love your catchphrases And that's a thing that has made you the third most popular character on this long-running podcast. Oh, thank you No problem, buddy Who are the first two? Yeah, I am a, my confused myself.

Well, the first most popular character is me. Already, I'm gonna take issue with this. You reckon you're the most popular character on this podcast? I look, this isn't me saying this. This is the thousands upon thousands of emails we've gotten to Dusty Saloon at puppies.supplies, which is a really male

address and that's why it's so easy for me to remember it. Everyone knows Flowers' Orphan is the most popular character on this podcast. Oh, that orphan. What won't that orphan say? That orphan hates me. As she really does. Oh, probably because I threw her over a cliff. You should not have done that. Yeah, you're a huckleberry.

She climbed out. Now Flowers is number one, I reckon, then, that champ is number two. I would put you at number three, and then myself at number four. For no one seems to have taken much, old, Eulicious De-Lamore. People are, dude, just do not like you. Why do you think that is? I think it's because I'm too noble, and they want their outlaws to be less noble. But I will not change my ways, no sir.

I spent my time in a T.P. taking strange mushrooms, smoking strange things, and learning about the way the world really is. I've seen through the veils of the universes, and there are more things beyond this that we do not understand. I'm a little bit worried about all of your drug use, Elysses. Well, I mean, and also that was the whole theme of your Squarespace website, Elysses Rocks.

Get off the rocks, Elysses! Can I ask, I don't want to be too forward. How are things going with you in Jennifer Lassio? Oh. Oh, boy, oh boy, I tell you. Oh, Jen and I, like two buck and Broncos, and ain't never been broke. Oh.

And I swear, one of us ever manages to break the other. It would be wonderful to settle down with her and set up a little share crop, but there'd be something sloths too. Also, the last time I made love to her to hotel, I snuck out and left behind a loaf of bread. Oh. That's weird.

That is harsh. But food is so rare and bread is a delicacy. I'm sure she was thrilled. Yeah, and I think with all your drug use, didn't your doctor tell you to take a holiday? Yes, in fact, he did, and I'm planning to do that as a matter of fact. But first, before I take a holiday, what I gots to do is I got to get together a posse of the roughest most tumblingist Guns slaying bad ass is the West is air scene and we're gonna ride out. Oh, Arnie's going into the sheriff's state We're gonna ride out into the east and we're gonna show up them piggertons and we're gonna give him what's what? Oh, that wasn't so bad. He should go into like a root and tune this now I think we might have touched on something and brushed right on over it but uh

this quibbit you said you're uh your papa he's he's making ladies out of metal oh yeah my dad's now he's making a scene where I'm saying it's much addiction you said you said that you would never heard a lady's brisk clink together Yes, that's right and I said you've never heard the ladies that my father makes in his basement Yeah, what's that a steam and metal? Yeah, I caught on to that right away But then we just seem to move right on well You know and that's a reaction that I'm very used to because a lot of times you say, oh my dad makes metal women for the town men to fuck. They don't want to hear the half of it. Sure.

But it's actually something that what? I want to hear the whole of it. Oh, thank you so much for having me. That is so nice of you. I see what you did there. There are holes. He spends a lot of time. It is a service that he's provided

because they're men in this town in my town where I come from, Dratlesville, where this... Dratlesville. You ever heard of Dratlesville? Oh no, I have not. All right, wait a second, are there Jews in this world? Yes, of course there's more. Oh, are there Jews in this world?

I don't know, not every world has them. You're okay talking about rusting a nut in a mental woman, but you don't think there's Jews in this world? You are being rude to our guests. There is every race in this world, and it doesn't matter if you're from Dratelsville, or if you're from Whitesmanland, or if you're from Indiana. There is a person inside of each person's shell, except for the ones that my father makes. Those are robot women that he sells for men who have troubles

or settling down. There are, and you may know this, you may not. The population of women here is 33% and then men make up the rest. And I know what percentage of men that would equal because I have a rudimentary understanding of science. That's wonderful because I could not for the life of me think of the number. Let's not say it. 67. I've got a stick.

Correct. I feel like you got a biochip on your shoulder. I just want to stick it in a pile of guac. Arnie I'm gonna take off my top hat to you. No. I just love when you do those hat tricks. I don't even know you don't even have thumbs. How do you keep taking your hand off of me? You should go out. You could make a lot of money doing that. How much money do you think you could make in a night and please count it out for me? How much money can I make in a night? Well, let me tell you. Or

Wow Four or five that's a lot. That's true. Put that in your fireplace and burn it. I'm glad it's not more because it would take a long time for you to express it. Or can it out? Hey, can I ask you something, Mrs. Quibbert? Is that right? Ms.

Ms. Quibbert. I've never been tied down. It feels like you're putting on a feeler there. Do you have any lod them? My dad wouldn't let me take any of his chemicals on the way out, because I said, Daddy, I am done shaving off horse's tails so that these robot women have realistic hair. I said, I am making my own way.

And I will not ever hear the clink of a robot breast again if I can help it. We did not leave on good terms. I have two follow-up questions here. Now, you... I have to understand, these women are... uh... uh... steam powered, correct?

Steam powered, mostly iron. All right. And a second follow-up question is gotta be, why is he using horse hair when he could just use real human hair? I have told you that women are scarce. Have you ever tried to go to a woman and say, hey, can I have your hair for a sex robot? Guess what?

Doesn't go that well. As a matter of fact, I have done that several times. Have you done that? Why have you done that? Well, it was a job I had for a while. I was working from man in another town where I collected women's hair to put on sex robots. I was only eight years old.

How is it that two years in? This is the first time hearing that everyone had some past with sex robots. Well, I was in the up. I slept with a metal woman named Jeannie, okay? And yes, late at night, sometimes I still steam of Jeannie. Good clop. All I'm saying is be careful with these steam-powered sex robots.

These violent delights come to violent ends. What does that mean? Well, no. And why didn't you say that every time? I don't think it means anything because if it said, it would post date me being in this world anyway Are you all right, yeah, yeah, it's just my consumption. Oh, that's right That's right. I've got to get you a new cough rag. It's just covered in blood

I thought that was a burgundy call for it. No, it was white when it went It was white when I first gave it to him when I came into this world What a true bird. It's turned to kind of like I mean it looks like one of those fancy napkins you get down at the five candles It basically is it's a kind of color someone was wearing it on a shirt you'd make fun of it So miss quibbert. Thank you so much for coming by and being our guest. Oh, thank you for having me Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I feel like we've only scratched the surface. Like we didn't really get to know, like who is Miss Quibbert?

I'm a bit of a mystery. I kind of deflect by talking about my dad's sex robots so that nobody has to know my real soul. Oh, I suppose. Common problem. You're with a woman trying to learn more about them. They can't stop talking about their dad's sex robots. What were you supposing? Well, I suppose that just means we'll have to have you back on.

Get to know you a little bit better some other time. If I pass through this town again, maybe. Where do you think you're headed to next little lady? I'm gonna be heading south. I think I'd love to go down to Chinatown. Oh wow. There's a whole town town China south of here. Is that surprise you? No, no every building is made of porcelain It's very breakable. Oh wow. Yeah, very beautiful, but very breakable very beautiful very beautiful Also, we need to get you out of the saloon. I feel like you just you're always at the piano just tinkering away Tankering away. I feel like we always talk about going to the haunted Mind shaft to search for gold. I never do. I made a promise.

I was going to go to that mine shaft and I was going to get that gold. That's swear, the smile just ran away from your face. Yeah, I made that promise a long time ago. Maybe the listeners aren't really invested in me ever getting that gold. You know what? Let's declare it right now. Episode 101, we're going to the haunted mind shaft. Definitely going. We're definitely going. But you know what guys, I would just

lose that gold eventually, I feel like. No. But Miss Quibbert, I know we have to end the podcast, but. What am I about? Yeah, what are you about? It's a good question. Well, my favorite thing to do is to start the day at Twilight. It's very rare for me to be up this hour. I get up at Twilight and I look about and I say, where's the wind taking me tonight? I travel at night you see, because during the day there's too many men trying to marry me. Oh, sure. And then what I do is I creep through the woods, I go barefoot most of the time and I try

to find a good bathing pond. And my dream is, one night I'm going gonna be bathing in that pond and the one correct man that I am supposed to be with. And I know that's not my whole identity and that's not what this is about. I said nothing of the kind. I was pointing at you because I feel like you could tell me like, no, you live your own life and it's like, I've been through that. I know it.

You know, it's like, I can make myself come in the drop of a horse's hat. Wow. No, drop my hat. In the drop of a horse. No, you keep going. But one night I'm going to be bathing in a mysterious wood at midnight. Moon's going to be right above my head and that's when I'm going to find the man that is going to tame me and make me his own and he'll never tell me to stop going out at night and we are going to build an empire and it's not going to be sex robots. It's going to be books and people are going to finally learn something. Wow. I'm impressed.

Miss Quiver, I have the utmost respect for you and I put my hat back on so that I may tip it to you. I'll say you. I'll say you. You seem like a woman that does not want to curve you. I do not want to curve you. What I do want is for that horse to quick-hoff and do a little hat trick. Oh, Shane, sorry.

I'm sorry, sorry. Champ, do you think you'll still be alive by episode 200? I don't know. I would hate to think that my consumption would, you know, make me lose an arm or a tail or something. I was talking to you. I don't know if you know this. I have other animal friends who can talk.

I have a dilly-talking horse I know, but when I go out further west to the coast there is a whale named Josie. I talked to you and he said that there is Medication coming that might cure me one day. I have to trust Josie whale that he's still in the truth, you know the outlaw Josie whale. Oh, you know him. I know him These are just the kind of references that have sustained us for over a hundred episodes They just keep coming there's no end to them Well, let's end the episode the way we always do champ. I'm gonna chip on your back. Wait, wait, wait. I want to read an email Guys you always prematurely

Guys I wanted to read this email from a guy named Flynn He walked into a closet at a Chipotle and fell through a portal into some sort of cowboy world. There might be someone else in this world. And I just realized this was sent in August 2015. Yeah, well, he's probably dead. Yeah, good luck, Flynn, wherever you are. There's a lot of Flynn death in Hyphoon.

So much Flynn death. Hey, didn't you say a couple episodes back that some listener of our podcast had made some sort of wiki wiki Like a wild wild wild wild wild wild wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki of the wild wild west. Yeah Wiki wiki page a wiki page. I'm still in champs back I've said it before and I've said it again, Ulysses, you've got to get off the horse. All right. Can I do one quick plug?

Sure. I know I said that my dad and I are not on speaking terms, but I do know when I left, he was working on his first ever male sex robot. And it's also a new kind of metal that he's using, it's much shinier than iron. And when it comes out, it gonna be called steely-dane We have consumption too Woo laden them baby. No, hey before we go. I just want to show you guys something I caught earlier It's a really tiny little badger with a little crown on his head. Oh, that's weird

Badger with a little crown on his head. Oh, that's weird. Find him down by the river, panning for gold. Badgers are weird, unrelated characters. F*** you. Finally, we know, Matt Young came to a southern accent either. Ulysses the cowboy was played by Matt Young. Champ the talking horse was played by Adel Refy. You could call him a beast of burdening the audience with dead horse wordplay. You know it's nimble comedy when an explanation has to be forced on you because no one even knows a joke just happened. Clip Clop. Miss Quibbert, the mysterious young woman from Out East, was played by special guest Sarah Shaki. Sarah is the co-host of the Marti and Sarah Love Wrestling podcast. Special thanks to Twitter's Adventurous Hero, who reminds me that there are worse things than being trapped

in a recording booth, namely commenting on a made-up podcast, while burning through my disposable income, living in a Taudry studio apartment on the corner of what happened and I know what happened. Craig, we won't be visiting here again. Finish up while I delete these coordinates. Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie Neekamp, Evan J. Cover, and Ryan D. Georgie, this one edited by Evan J. Cover. Music by Andy Poland, Logo by Aller LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox,

production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Additional music this week by Eric Cicover. Visit us at hellofromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter, thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op, and thanks to Earwolf. Craig, if you need me, I'll be in the Waste Evacuation Center

for the rest of the night. All that spicy food gave me a real case of, well, I would say backblaze, but apparently some company took that. you