Hello From The Magic Tavern - INTERLUDE - Scenes from Foon

Episode Date: March 13, 2017

The Mysterious Man and Craig listen in on Arnor the Warrior, Axelrod the Real Estate Agent, Princess Belaroth the Play Producer and more.CreditsArnor: Blaine SwenSoul Walker: Ross BryantAxelrod ReMax: Mark McConvilleCouple Being Shown the Castle: Matt Gourley and Amanda LundPrincess Trachea-Aurelia Belaroth: Megan O’NeillBenedict Whisperbrew: Brendan DowlingMetanoid: Jorin GarguiloMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzEpisode Art: Ross BryantYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Anyway, with that taken care of, enjoy the show. Actually, I'm sorry, this is Craig's art of button. I, we don't still don't have a good signal from Arnie and Foon. I really don't have anything for them to hear. Craig, you have had a full week here in the space bunker to arrange the repair of the equipment. What have you been doing with that time? A week, it felt like it was like three minutes.

I'd never understand how time works up here. Okay, we would never quaze our so I'm not gonna debate time theory with you right now. You've had more than enough to repair the equipment and yet here we are. Well, the only thing I've been able to do is tap into some of the resonant stones. No. These are like stones that I can only assume are in the sort of ground soil. Yes, of course they're scattered throughout food. You're pulling. Yeah. Well, I mean, we could tap into those and listen to just some random people around Foon. I mean, are we trying to fill time? I don't even understand what the goal is. You know, here's the thing.

We've devoted so much energy to preventing these podcasts from making it through, but you know I'm all about patterns. And it seems that this is what we do now. So we have this time on the calendar to try and wrestle with some audio from reaching a listening base. I feel like it's not broken. Okay. Well, I'm picking up a signal from a resonance stone. It looks like it's near our nor the warrior. That's kind of like Arnie. Are there any other options? Really, the strongest signal I'm seeing right now. It's just our nor is sort of one note. Well, I think he forgot who he was or something.

That's right, that's right. He lost a whole big chunk of time. Oh, that should be a wild ride. Oh, he's got here. It looks like he's trying to adventure or something. Well, maybe he'll do a feat. That fits the profile. All right, as far as I can see, we have literally no other options.

Let's check in. Okay. Why? Why, oh why can't I remember? Oh no, dig into your mind and remember. What is happening? The ground is beginning to smoke. The tears of heroism call forth

the soul walker from his twilling in the mist. Where is his voice coming from? Right behind you. Oh no! Gaze into what once were eyes, those like yours now brimming with tears. Who are you? Who we are is not important, but who we serve and why we are here. The sorrow of a hero can be temptation for the Dark One

and we can provide some bone for your sadness. Whoever you are, you shall provide bone for my sadness. For you are about to become my sixth greatest feat. And what are the others, Braytail? I just had five so far.

My first one was killing a fingering and dinner party. My second was learning how to read, which seems sort of a controversial feat, but I still did it. Don't sell yourself short, that's big. The hesitant cyclops, I killed the hesitant cyclops, the howling wolf. I even rebuilt the bridges of great tax in a single day, and I tried to do more and more. But every time I go to do another, someone has already done it before me. I went to try to kill the borny and Bear, and he was already dead, and when I asked one of the locals about it, he pointed at my necklace and laughed. I looked

down and I'm wearing even now the teeth of the Borne and Bear. Who is mocking me? Who indeed there is much you do not know or know, but there are ways to recover the memories that you have lost. What? Like, you can tell me what happened to my testicles. Pardon? I don't know what happened to my balls. I know it has something to do with Arnold, the knee-camp, but I don't know what happened

to my balls. Yes, we know of our knee knee-camp and his minions. We seek him, and if you could serve us, your gifts would be great. The Dark One's power is mashed only by his kindness. Join us, and you will have what you desire. No, no, no, it's not right. I can't do it. Fight me, fight me. You cannot say what is already dead. I am here to inspire you to the potential that you have if you serve the Dark One.

We souls who dwell within this rotting shell communicate together in a unique way, speaking one word at a time, this provides us with a special insight for teams and those who labor in the business of the Dark One, where once we were a messenger, now we mostly run workshops, break out sessions, and inspirational meetings on how to work more effectively as a team. Very often, judgment will kill what is the best idea. You are killing your own best idea by threatening to kill me. Slain of the Soul Walker, rather slain that which truly lies in your path, your own doubt. I've always only worked alone. I've never been part of a team. I... I'm desperate. I need to know what happened to my testicles. I need to defeat this warrior who keeps out doing me with all of his great feats. Alright. I'll do it. I'll join you.

If you can restore my memory and make me a great warrior. There are many things the Dark Lord can restore. Your memory shall return as will your... Fine balls. You'll be. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, just to be clear here. You can give me my nuts back. There are no limits to the gifts the dark one can provide.

Why didn't you just say that out of the gate? Right out of the gate, you could have been like, Hey, you've got no nuts, I'll give them back. And I would have been like, I'm in. Sometimes it is hard to express yourself economically when speaking as so many with one voice. Well, you just come up, you say, no nuts, you want nuts? I say yes, and boom, we're off, baby.

I'm hearing a lot of criticism, but not a lot of support for what I'm offering. Can you accept the offer? Yes, yes, I want it, I want it. Not just boss, better than they were before. Oh, wow. I can't even... I wouldn't like... What are they like? They make fun, like, music or something, I can't... Sure, the sky's the limit!

Oh, that's gonna be great! Yes, I remember. I killed the body and bear. Yes. I... I hid the Encyclopedia of British Ecar. Oh, yeah. I killed the Encyclopedia of British Ecar. Oh, yeah. I killed the Manticore of Megas. And the Wild Moura, a mixed-ingleshane forest. That was me! The buzzards have scurred it.

The buzzards have scurred. That's what took my testicles. Yes. We don't have to dwell on that. Oh, I remember every bite, every pinch, every duck, every excruciating nibble. And yet, I should be grateful to them. For now, I have these beautiful singing testicles. Yes, I told you that you were being improved.

Oh, the mouth. Mark that third of the mouth. Mark that third of the mouth. I mean he's a solid yes. I mean, he's just had a ripple effect throughout the entire land. Although, I mean, I've got to say, I stand corrected. I wasn't that interested in what we would hear through the resonance stone, and this is taking on sort of a greatest hit sort of vibe. It's nice to hear Arnor interact with the Soul Walker.

What a deep cut. Yeah, it's like seeing old friends again, you know, but it's like you're gonna do something on a particular week with a certain group of friends and then they canceled, but you got to hang out with different friends and it was still pretty great. With like a fun mix and match quality to it. Yeah. I thought this is gonna be a real humdrum day and this is turning out to be a lot of fun. Maybe we should do another.

Oh, okay. Um, I have a signal here from some resonance stones. I think in the vicinity of Axelrod remax. Oh, no, no. Is there any other? Oh, uh, I just have some nature sounds. Ugh, no, maybe we should listen to the real estate agent, you know? I was so dead set against the last time. Maybe I should take a little visit to my own sense of doubt and judgment and find out what Axelrod is up to. I think you're really growing and I'm really in support of that. If it's not too much trouble, step here into the Grand Hall.

Oh, wow. You'll see the vaulted ceilings and the balcony here. I'm still back here. It's a lot of trouble for me, actually. I'm 98 years old. Come on, honey, this way. Oh, it's a lot of trouble for me, actually. I'm 98 years old. Come on, honey, this way. Oh, she's bright. Gorgeous light.

As I mentioned, the large banquet table does come with the castle. Is it big enough for a massacre? Of course. There's still blood on it from the last. Ooh. I see that. That's like an iron skillet. You can taste the past meals. I can just imagine little Jimmy running around the corridors. You've already named your unborn child.

Yes, that's right. You noticed I'm with child. Of course I did. Is there a baby keep? Well, there is a keep. Mostly it's from wine. But we could put a baby in it. In my opinion, babies don't know where they are. Most times you could put them in a closet or up in a storage area.

How about in a stew? My lord. Darling, we're not to put the baby in a stew. Apply then. Until Christmas. She's so good to me. You're doings of no concern of mine, of course. Would it be possible for you to traverse these stairs so that we can look at the upstairs quarters?

I'll carry him on my back. I'm very strong. You must be young, lady. Yes, I'm pregnant with Fitlets. Oh, congratulations. I've always wanted a large family but I am, of course, married to my work. We had to hire a sorcerer to extract his seed. He did it with a briar-bramble-gramby wand. We're quite lucky.

Family is important, isn't it? Now, are you prepared to lay eyes upon the Master Chamber? I need to lie to it. I'm not. You're not prepared. I literally can't use my eyes anymore. They've turned to a sort of marble granite. Well, is your nose of any youth's tea?

Oh yes, let's do this. I'm not saying let's not do it. I'm saying I just can't see it. The Master Chamber is the largest room in the upstairs floor with views of the meadow. Can't see it, but gorgeous! Can you smell the meadow? Oh, yes, puppies! My word! Look, I can see the stallions!

Yes, the stables are just down the hill, of course, and there's a small pond for watering the horses. And how many stable boys might it come with? Well, I could arrange something for you. I'd like a dozen, please. Oh honey, I love it. What say you? Well, I say it's perfect. I don't want to pressure the either one of you. You do not have to make a decision today.

We'll take it. We do have to make a decision today because my husband is dying tomorrow. Very well. 3PM is the sun shines. In that case, and please forgive my fourth rightness, I did prepare all of the paperwork for you to take. Possession of the castle. Oh, paperwork, toodle-do, toodle-dee! Where do I sign?

Well, there's a series of signatures and initials you'll have to do. So right here it's signed. First document is here. Just both of you need to sign at the bottom and date. Honey, will you dip my fingernail and ink? Yes, here you go. Shrishy, shrishy, shrishy. Shrishy, shrishy, shrishy. That's a little song she Trishy, trishy, trishy, trishy, trishy, trishy, trishy.

That's a little song she sings whenever I sign something. And a man of your stature must be signing from dawn to dusk. That's what I do. In that case, initial here, you sign here, you date here, initial both of these, I need you to just take one of these. Hold on, I have 78 names, so it does take me a while, even to do the initials. What a lineage! Well my signature is just a lipstick kiss.

Oh, why don't you sign your name on my sweet sweet mouth right now. Alright. I know when it is time for a real estate agent to take his leave. No, please watch. Very well. We need a witness for this to be no-shrized. Mmm, oh, that's it. Thank you, my boy.

It's simply wonderful. I shall look forward to spending my entire last day. Yeah. I shall look forward to spending my entire last day, yeah. Melod, Melody, thank you for going with our agency. It does mean so very much to me that you did not choose Centaur 21. Are you saying that you're not part of the house? No, I'm afraid I have other business to attend to. But I could return for a reasonable price.

I would take a series of coins as payment. Well, sounds good. Perhaps you can come for the housewarming. We'll be serving tickled tenies. I will be there, of course. I'll be dead. Do you think we can learn anything from that? I mean, I didn't. No, there was no greater lesson that I could take away. Okay. The thing I like Craig is it's like visiting with friends where you don't have to interact with them and we can tune out whenever we're bored.

Yeah, like visiting with friends, but looking in through their window from the outside of their house. Do you remember just how different we were when you first were stranded on this station? Look at us now, just two peas in a bunker. Yeah, I mean, I still don't understand. I would say 80% to 90% of what's going on around me here.

But I'm sorry to interrupt. Hey, Trisha. Hi. I finished sorting the push pins from the thumbtacks. Is there anything else you want me to do? Can I go out and stare at the suns? No, you could now marry the push pins in the thumbtacks? Is there anything else you want me to do? Can I go out and stare at the suns? No, you could now marry the push pins in the thumbtacks back into one large container and put it back up onto the highest shelf. Um, forgive my boldness, but what is the purpose

of it? Like, why did I separate them just to put them back together? The manner in which they were joined before was just so chaotic. It was hard to pick out one from the other. And I think it was more of an emotional change than a physical one. We could see that they are fine on their own. And knowing that, we can now allow them to coexist. Sometimes he does this like a character building thing. I would just go with it.

Trisha 8050. What's with the gloomy disposition? I just, you guys are in here and if you don't think like I can hear you guys like laughing and like I keep hearing words like friends and like conversation and you know beach and like I'm out there doing like a menial task and there's only so much of this I can do before I start to wonder what is my purpose. You know, this is the thing, Trisha. Every time we try to let you in, you just lash out at us. This is the Rice Krispy treats all over again. It is.

It's a secret treat. We're mine because I made them. And when I make something, I assume that I don't have to label it in the... I just... It's not the Rice Krispy treats. Those Rice Krispy treats... general lack of trust and respect if I could return for a moment if you're going to introduce the rice crispy treats they were a trap

from the beginning you don't leave something like that in the break room and then just launch into such a tirade when a single corner of one is not off okay it was my birthday and I knew that nobody else was going to do anything about it. So I made myself my favorite treat, okay? And it's one thing that I had to use off brand rice crispies because we're not going

to have those here because you don't enjoy those noises that those three creatures create with their mouth. No, we have enough inhuman creatures scampering around our lives these days. I thought the wheat bubbles that you used for your dessert treat were just as tasty and exciting as whatever brand we could have found for you. Also, the wait time works here. I'm not even entirely sure it was your birthday.

Well, you know what? I had to pick a day. I had to pick a day because a lot of days passed and nobody was celebrating anything, so I thought, you know what? Trisha, you do you. And then you sprung your trap. You picked the day where we had many other activities scheduled and then you unveiled your week bubble treats. So if we had been planning some sort of glorious surprise, we could no longer do it because you shamed us into inactivity with your own self-made masturbatory dessert. What could we do after that Trisha that could possibly gain your approval? Self-okay, self-made masturbatory dessert.

Okay, I am tucking that in the back of my brain and I'm never going to forget if you'll excuse me I have to go marry some pushpins and some thumbtacks. Have fun. See with her it's all tucked away in the little file of her mind. With us it's all just out there Craig that's that's what I like about you and I like how I feel when I'm with you. I do too. Hey speaking of which do I have a birthday? I feel how I feel when I'm with you. I do too. Hey, speaking of which, do I have a birthday? I feel like I should, but I'm forgetting a lot lately. I feel like you just did.

Is that fair to say? Yeah, thank you. He's lying to your Craig. You didn't have a birthday. What did she say? What? Craig, yeah. Thank you. The light that usually comes on when we have to go to commercial is on but we don't

Who's that light on now the time is just flown with you Craig? Okay, well I I don't I mean I don't know why we would have commercials because we don't have a show But I could press the button anyway if you want at this point let's pull the trigger and see what happens okay? Press the button anyway if you want. At this point, let's pull the trigger and see what happens. Okay. And that is why Raven is like a writing desk. Oh! Oh!

Oh! He never got that until now. I still don't, but it's- No, and that's the thing, and you can't. You can't until you're ready, but now you know why. This is such a great day! You know know can I pour you more amber goo? I guess I haven't really finished the last goo, but go ahead. Oh, well, I mean if it's not warm then it's an insult to your mouth Do you know who needs to be here right now?

Trisha 8050 do you want to pull that lever just to sound the claxon? Yeah sure Trisha there you are! Hey, do you have any thumbtacks? We were hanging our best friendship poster. And not pushpins. I have several of both. Would you like me to bring the receptacle in that is containing both of them now? Mixed together. Hoping for just the thumbs out. And I know that of all of us, you're going to be the master of this,

because you separate out the thumbtacks again and bring us only those. How many do you need? You don't need all of them. How many do you need? I feel like there's gonna be a right color for this job, and I don't know what it is until I see all of them. I see what's happening here. I see what's happening here, and I'm delighted if I can be the thing that is gonna bring the two of you together that you can rally behind the thing that's gonna sort of like bond you as the whole like oh Trissichess drag she doesn't let her eat her desserts and she doesn't know how to separate things well then

fine fine if I can be that for you fine how many thumbtacks do you need? I'm gonna say all. Then I have nothing to say. I'll be back. I feel like the only way to crack open this impenetrable silence is maybe with another little visit from one of our friends. Oh yeah, actually let's see what we got on the screen here. Buh, buh, buh, buh. Oh, the resonance stones are picking up Princess Treyuya Aurelia and Benedict Whisperbrew. We could see what they're up to.

No, can we go back to R and R maybe? Yeah, we can... Hey, our testor curly terpies. Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, man.

Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, party down in this statue. That's right Lord, this probably doesn't last. Uh, oh, oh, we don't want to, um, no, we don't want to see this.

Okay, so what was it again, whisper, bro? Yeah, and Princess Trachea, Aralia, of Beloroth fame. Ooh, well, okay, you've picked my interest now that you've said it twice. Let's have a little look, see. Are you off 4 p.m.? Yes, I'm Metanoid's Manghanger. I'm Princess, Tricky Aurelia Belaroth and you're welcome. Your Majesty. And you probably know me from Unix Quarterly. I am Benedict Whisper-Bruh, court-unix. And

I'll be assistant directing and also stage managing and doing a little bit of acting here today. And we're holding auditions for our full play. I'm willing to attach hair to my body. Always a plus. That's an improvement over our last candidate. Indeed. Indeed. I'm looking at your headshot here, Metanoid.

Yes. And it has your age listed as question mark. Well, yeah, because I am part of the eternal spirit of Smaenghanger, the diminished, but also I physically have only been around for a little while ever since he crafted me out of a brew of his own blood, seaman, feces, and urine. Oh, wonderful. And I see that you've taken peg-bought-and-hopper-leaves intro to acting class. Yeah, I've got a lot of free time to wander around and an open channel to all the gold. She is marvelous. I've learned so much from her.

She's helped me to trust myself. There's a lot going on inside me. Well wonderful. Well, we're having your audition for the part of Agnon, and I think you got the sides. Yes, they're right here. Do not improvise, do not ad lib, say our words precisely as written, and if you get them wrong, I will throw a sharp object at you. Okay. And also just feel free to experiment. No, sharp objects. All right, well, that seems pretty straightforward. I'm good with notes. Oh, I guess you're wonderful. And this is a 360 degree audition, so if you ever have notes for us,

which is an open creative space where anything that we say to each other is received in total harmony. Yes, I dare you to give me a note. Feels like it's going great! I'll read the part of... Pill Blop? I suppose, but please do it with a little more conviction this time. Yes. As always, I will say,

seen. You're home early. Yeah, yeah, they... they cut me. They said, we don't need you anymore today. They cut you? They cut you? Well, what am I supposed to do?

I'm 19 months pregnant with your baby. I don't know. Maybe just sit around here more and sleep. Is that what you think I do? Yeah. I'm just stating your quadruplets. Oh, great. I'm going to stop you there.

Yes, was that too far? I'm going to, Metanoid, the scene is that you're coming home. Nothing about your performance leads me to believe that you understand the concept of home I don't know what hollowed out mushroom you typically retreat to oh, but draw from that. What is it like? To ooze yourself back into Whatever says pool you lay your head in at night because I don't believe you okay? Okay, no that's fair I sleep in a basket at the foot of Smangay and there are diminished beds, so, well, I pretend to sleep.

I'm a magical construct, so sleeping is something that I don't typically do. And also, could Mag give you note? Yeah, I would love it. I just want you to think about the moment before. What is this? What is Agnon doing there? Right before he... Maybe he's... maybe he's fumbling for some keys Maybe he's adjusting us. Just give yourself some business. Oh, oh, okay. Yeah great. All right. May I have Something to hold. Yes, take this scepter. Oh, well, this is unwieldy. This is taller than me. Do not give out the scepter

I'm sorry. It's not a prop. It's already not a prop. It's already been done. It's not a prop. There's no turning back I'm gonna poke you with a hot dagger later. Oh, oh, yes. I know from the top. All right, okay, great. You're home early Cut me And what does that leave me? 19 months pregnant with your quadruplets. I don't know Maybe asleep? Oh, is that what you think I do? Yes, just stating your baby so you can just

lullab you smell of her. Oh, sure. I'm going to cut you there. I'm sorry. Benedict, yes. I know that I had my womb removed in a large slab of concrete inserted in its place. Me!

But I'd like you to think more about what it would truly be like to have to push four babies out of your genitals. I know you don't have genitals. Neither do I, I'm smooth. Oh, oh, let's grab a drink later. Okay. Yes, no, no, no, I'm totally... Imagine the searing pain of your genitals birthing into the world for a morphous babies

Thank you. Do you know what this is really opened up the part of Agnon for me? Thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome. And I really loved what you were doing with the scepter Maybe maybe push it a little bit more this time. I wouldn't yeah, but no I wouldn't do anything with that scepter Okay, was it homey enough? Oh, it's? You know what? Let's scare ourselves this time. Ha ha ha! Okay, let's really go for it. Alright, well people tell me I'm some sort of demented nightmare creature already, so I'll go to the depths if I can.

Oh, there's no bottom when you're acting. Well, that is one show that I would like to be in the front row of on opening nightcreg. Oh, can we go? Can we go to phone? Is that can we do that? Well, the option is there. I've just been afraid to exercise it, but with my new bud. Oh. Sorry to interrupt this love fast. Here are your thumbtacks. Ooooooo.

Now that you're showing them to me, I think this is more of like a pushpin kind of job. Is it? It's more of a push pin kind of job. In fact, I think that's what we asked you for, Trisha, push pins. Just what? Push pins and thumbtacks are pretty much the same thing. I won't. They accomplish the same goal.

What? They simply look different, okay? And maybe yes, the push pin is a little bit easier to retract from the cork board or whatever material you're going to insert the man Because God knows why should I assume you're gonna put them in cork board? You're probably gonna put them in skin or feces or two more options Cotton balls or one final one. Don't do this to me You know the the posters do sort of float in the energy field here

We really don't need any push pins. It's just it's nice to have them handy. It's nice to have them Listen to your friend. I will listen to my friend But my friend needs to know that it's good to have them in case they need to be attached to something is that fair to say Craig Absolutely, you know what and I don't actually appreciate my words being twisted in that way Trisha So maybe you should back off a little bit, all right? Really Craig? Okay, great. And I don't really appreciate the two of you ganging up on me for no other reason than your board. We are in the middle of nowhere and your board. So you're creating drama. And if there wasn't HR department in this goddamn place, I would be able to go and

report both of you. First of all, I've told you I will handle any HR complaints. It's been in my power from the beginning. Craig, I can't complain to you as the HR person about yourself. It doesn't work like that, okay? Well, if you have a problem with the HR representative, Craig has also been nominated as our tertiary HR mouthpiece. He is always available. But we can't nominate the same person as the mouthpiece that is the representative. If they are the person I need to complain about, do you know what? I thought the same thing until I really got to know Craig and I invite you to do the same.

He is so multi- I would love to get to know Craig. I am not given the opportunity to get to know Craig because you guys are having your picnic in here listening to all of your Jumpstones while I am in there doing Minile task work and if you don't think that I don't know that this is a power play on your part you are sorely mistaken I have every right and I'm going to just take one of the pods. What if I go? Who's gonna sort your shit then? What if I just take one of the pods and I fly away? What would you do?

Oh, we've got you to this point again. No, don't take one of the pods. I remember this part. What does that mean? What does that mean? What are you talking about? It's a little in joke that would honestly be impossible to explain to you. Oh, so you guys have your in jokes? Oh, fine. That's what friends do. Because you know what I found in the beige room? I found the manual for the pod and you thought I wasn't gonna go back in that room because it's fucking crazy, but I did go back in that room. So guess who knows how to operate the pods now We reach this point quicker and quicker. Don't operate those pods Trisha

I will operate the pods and you know what Craig just because there's two seats I'm not taking you with me. I know you're desperate to get home. Well, well, well I'm Craig. I got here by mistake. Guess what? No, you didn't. You're here for a very specific reason, and if you don't think that it's because this dude needs somebody to play off of, you are even more fuck than I thought. You know what? I'm outta here.

I'm outta here. Try to stop me. You know what, Trisha? I did try to stop you. The last several times that you did this, but this time, I'm not. You should just go. I did wanna leave a while ago,

and yeah, I would kinda love to see my home, on Earth, in Chicago, where I'm a normal person, and everything makes sense again. But at this point, in this moment in time, I'm happy where I am. I'm content, and I'm sorry you don't feel like we've been treating you the way that you deserve air quotes,

but frankly, you're not a real person treating you the way that you deserve air quotes, but frankly, you're not a real person, okay? I can see the air quotes. You're a clone. You don't have to say air quotes. And, it drives me nuts. You can just do the air quotes. You don't have to say it every goddamn time.

I enjoy when he identifies the air quotes. Of course you do. Of course you do. There was one point we were talking about four sets of fish hooks, and they did the exact same gesture, and it's nice to have the clarity. On saying is you air quotes are a clone they're not a real person so I don't feel bad about being that mean to you take the pods we have plenty that's right you're a clone and before we activated you you are hanging in the storage cellar on four fish hooks.

How do I know that that's true? I'm just supposed to believe everything that you tell me. Alright, I never like reaching this point. Trisha, I want you to remove your space pump. Remove? Why? And read what's been etched into the bottom of your left foot. I hate these shoes, by the way. The fact that you make me dress like a woman is unbelievable. It's just appropriate.

It leads to an efficient workplace. Why haven't I ever seen... I've accepted your HR complaint. I haven't gotten to, you know, dealing with it yet. Thanks, Craig. Has this always been here in the bottom of my foot? Go on. Read it.

You are clone number 8050. Any attempt to assume that you would not be a clone is false. Please keep reading for more information. But just, it's very small. I can't read the rest of it. That is bad design on my part. But I had a lot of information to fit on there. And, well, your feet are on the petite side.

So there's a good part of today. That's a compliment. Recognize it. We've said that to each other, even when you weren't around, by the way. That's a genuine compliment. So what does this mean that I am the same person that I was the times before when I wasn't here

and I don't know about it, but you're just gonna tell me and look at me. You're both looking at me like, you're she goes again, this is the part where she give this speech about how she now knows that she's a clone and she's gonna lose it. I remember this like, you're cheating again. This is the part where she give it to speech about how she now knows that she's a clone. She's gonna lose it. I remember this happening. I can confirm it.

I mean, you, I mean, why wouldn't you trust me? I don't know, Craig. Why wouldn't I trust you? I don't know. Go ahead. Do you have anything you want to tell Craig? I have no information for Craig at this moment. Interesting. Why I have no use for the two of you? So if you will excuse me and get out of my way, get out of my way.

I am now going to activate the pod, and you can't stop me. You get out of my way because you have been nothing but unbelievably rude and condescending to me, and everyone you've read the credits for since I have arrived at this location. I don't know when that was. I intend to find out, but I'm not going to stick around

today and take any more of that Craig what? I would you want me to turn off the pod controls? Or do you let her do it? I mean I have the manual I have it right here. There is this one button that says press go to go I'm assuming that that's what I press I can tell you what every other one of your clones has done is gone to this point Oh look decided to give up and just gone into the Bayeserman kill themselves. Lasers, guns, and everything else that can possibly hurt you.

I wonder what this one does. Oh, look, an emotional component as well. That's the one that really hurts when you find that one. I'm not sure you can take another glass like last night. You know what, I am out of here. Are you sure you can get? I get to the next place and I can tell people about what is happening here, I will.

And you mark my words. You will be sorry, the day that you turned me on or activated me or what are you, how do you turn on, what are you, how happens with clones? There's sort of like a bat-shaped item that we just smack you in the head with and you wake up. Fine, you're gonna regret that you did that.

Now out of my way! Oh no, you can't take another blast! No! Greg! You blocked the shot that was headed towards my exoskeleton! Greg! Greg, are you alright? I... want you to that filing. Wait, wait. Craig. Wait, I'm not dead.

Should I be dead? Hang on, Craig. Hang on, there's a reset button. Just in a panel, just lower than your lower back. Hang on, and I can activate it. Oh, hey, I feel, wait, what's reset? What, what? No, no, wait a minute, now let's pee.

Craig, as you can see, most of the flesh is melted off of your left arm. Have a good look at it. Oh, it's like a Terminator 2 situation. Well, the Terminator 2 situation was modeled off of this. Oh my God. So all this time, one of my arms has been a robot? Craig. Oh my God. I'm a robot. Is that what you're telling me? Craig, to be perfectly fair, we've been dropping some pretty heavy clue bombs

over the last few weeks. No, I'm a vending machine salesman from Chicago who got trapped on a saddle. Oh, it sounds really wrote when I say it out loud. Doesn't it, to be honest, I simply haven't, had the best luck being friends with actual things. So yes, you've been carefully designed to resist me at first and then slowly over a natural and very satisfying arc become something of a buddy for me.

Well then why didn't you make me better at it? I feel like every week I'm doing ten things at once, I can't get it under control, I'm having all sorts of stuff happen to me, I don't understand. Do you know I tried that at first, but it't get it under control, I'm having all sorts of stuff happen to me, I don't understand. Do you know I tried that at first, but it just seemed there weren't quite as many satisfying hijinks, which did lead to a lot of bonding, a lot of fun memories we could refer back to. I don't know, now that I have this knowledge, I don't know if anything can ever be the same, I feel like this changes entirely the way I look at you, the way I look at the bunker, you know what? What I feel like Trisha was right you you are just a classic Manipulator using me for your own ends and I don't I don't even care if I'm not really from Chicago Or if I'm not really a vending machine stalker guy or if I don't really

Like the wire do I still like the wire? I really do like the wire. Everyone likes the wire. It doesn't matter how you've been programmed. That show just pierces all preconceptions. I know. But I don't care about that, because now I'm in control of my own destiny. All right, reaching into your cranial cavity.

And twisting and twisting once more. All right, should we do the credits? Sounds good. Remember that everything you've heard is not real, whether it came through a resonance stone or from this very space bunker. I mean, this podcast studio. Is that a thing? Podcast studio do they have those?

Thanks, Craig. Arnold The Warrior was played by Blaine Swen. The Soul Walker was played by Ross Bryant. Blaine and Ross both perform regularly with the improvised Shakespeare company, in LA and everywhere. You can also see Ross in the current season of Wild and Out. Everyone's favorite show about gay people being forced to survive naked in the rain forest for a year.

I think that's right. Axel Rodley, Maxel the real estate agent, was played by Mark McConville. The couple being shown the castle was played by Matt Gourley and Amanda Lund. Mark and Matt's great podcast Pistol Shrimps Radio returns in April. If you've never listened to their classic improv podcast Super Ego, go do that. Amanda's new show Complete Joy is coming soon to Hal.fm, as well as Matt's new show Complete Man. Basically, they've got a lot going on, while Adel spends most mornings picking out today's hoodie. Princess Trekkia Orelia Belaroth was played by Megyn O'Neil. Megan performs regularly in Chicago's world news tonight. Benedict Whisperbrew the Unic was played by Brendan Dowling. Brendan also performs with the improvised Shakespeare company,

and is about to relocate to LA. I mention that mostly as a way of forcing him now to go through with it. Finally, Metanoid the Humunculus was played by Jorin Gargelo. Jorin performs all over Chicago, but the only show he's not ashamed to mention here is Revolver. Well, Craig, now that I've done the work, baking the cake, how's about you wobble over the finish line with the icing? Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie Neacamp, Evan Jacober, and Rindy come along with the finished line with the icing. Thanks to your wolf, you know, call me crazy, but I can't help but feel deep down in my totally human heart that next week We will be able to hear from Arnie and Hogs face again And we can check in on our friends and sort of a new chapter of their lives kind of like a new I don't know season

Like a season two I would say is that weird? That's what I'd call it like a season two will start next week I don't know why I just have a feeling But that doesn't work out we could always do a feature length crit cast right? Everybody would love that. 30 minutes of crit oh well you left. I'm just a serialized lady. I have 42 feet. Read your own mind. What some other people call remembering. I like to call this read your own mind.

Guess Moinus, he was the one who cursed me in this way. Yes, you begin to know the truth. And the dark lord, the dark lord is the one who restored me from the depths and gave me singing testicles. And is he the two coolest balls in all the food? Don't know, don't know, baby. Hey, don't adjust this too much, man. I'm starting to get testy. You're doing me. I love these guys.

Me too. I pledge my sword. Now to the Dark Lord. His enemies shall be snuffed out. Their remains I shall stamp. I shall kill gasmauiness and Arne knee camp. Yes. All you have to give us in return is your soul and your continued liver long after the expiration date of your life. The balls were of course burst out of their native sack.

What, sir? Yes, they'll continue to grow. Right, wait. Could we? It doesn't matter. Oh, you need caps, you'll pay. Your victories will grow even as your balls shall grow, to human size, eventually, bursting out of your much too

constraints, wrote my hand. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Onward glory. Ah, OK. OK, yes. The gifts of the dark one are always a little complicated. Oh. are always a little complicated.

Ooh.