Hello From The Magic Tavern - Offices and Bosses S1E1: Flower from I.T.

Episode Date: April 22, 2019

The game of Offices & Bosses begins! Metamore plays Office Manager guiding Arnie, Usidore, Chunt, and Flower on an adventure to attain the Q4 numbers.CreditsArnie, aka Orlando Bloom: Arnie NiekampChunt, aka Dan Smith: Adal RifaiUsidore, aka John Bastion: Matt YoungMetamore: Bill ArnettFlower, aka Gail Davidson-Durst: Brooke BreitCharles Schumtz: Scott KurtzOodles of Doodles Players: Angela Kurtz, Cory Casoni, and Steve HamakerMysterious Man: Tim SniffenHigh Time Queen: Brooke BreitProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Yeah, that's right, Joker's, I can levitate six inches off the ground now. No one's checking up on me, so I'm going to start releasing season one of the popular Magic Tavern spin-off offices and bosses that until now has only been available on Stitcher Premium. So it's new to you, probably, yet cheap skate. Okay, let me see if I can get this sweet, sweet offices and bosses audio rolling. It's bookended by the original Spacebunker stuff recorded by my predecessor, so that's awkward, but we'll get through it.

I'm just gonna hit play. See you in two weeks! Where to begin? The following is simply an everyday Earth-based podcast about a magical realm pretending to engage in a role-playing game that takes place in an everyday Earth-based world. Hard me while I go choke on my Inception DVD. Also, if you're one of those detailed obsessed types, one, this series takes place around recording number 92 of Hello from the Magic Tavern, and two, say hello to your mother as

she stops by the basement to lay out this week's outfit. And now enjoy the show. Here not marketing manager IT professional sales rep and temp. And Tim. I am Office Manager. Your guide in the realm of offices and bosses! Welcome to offices and bosses! A mini-series spin-off of Hello from the Magic Tavern. If you've never listened to Hello from the Magic Tavern, this is what you need to know. About a year, nine months ago, I've been through this. Why are you doing this? Nobody needs to know the backstory of Magic Tavern.

They're listening to us play a game. Well, I know, look, this is a podcast where we play the game off as a bosses, but I think people maybe need to know some context. About a year and nine months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical, fantastical, and a fune. No, no, we don't need to know that. We're just gonna play a game. Alright, well... GAME NIGHT!

GAME NIGHT! GAME NIGHT! Alright, fine, look, I'm Arnie, I'm a human, I'm from... I'm from Earth. And I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Red Elm of a Fisius Master of Light and Shadow, Minipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Trakis, the Elves Nobius Fieing Yaluk, The leader of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trakis. The elves know me as fying y'allok. The elves know me as zoning in hook stangies, and I am known in the northeast as gasmoneas

meh star, but when I play offices and bosses, I'm known as John Bastion. That's right. And I'm John the shapeshifter, king of the badgers, and when I play offices and bosses, I'm Dan Smith. Wait, let me find the right. How did I sound before? Here's my regular voice. Here's Dan Smith. Wait, let me find the right... How did I sound before? Here's... Here's my regular voice. Here's Dan Smith. Okay, I think I got it. And I'm a temp. I'm a temp, baby!

John, you're a master of voices. Yes, I'm trying to really get into the game. Okay, so apparently on Fune, it's a very popular role-playing game. Well, you know, I don't think I could explain it very well. Why don't we let our... Our leader of the game explain it. Sure I'm the metamorph yeah here a lot not gonna lie here at the bar I'm the tavern all the time and playing this game and whatnot and Well, it's it's

I'd to bring you along. Yeah, Arnie and what not. I'm sorry your character died Yeah, my character Ryan to Georgie the son of the boss died last time we played off. Oh man, how did it die? Well, you know Dan Smith stabbed him in the face. Oh man. As Chun, I apologize for that. As Dan Smith fuck you. I mean those things happen. In the world of offices and bosses, you know,

those things will happen in this fantastical, mysterious world. Oh, wonderful. Buildings over 100 stories. Oh. So we're excited. Do you have a new character you've rolled up a new character, I see. Yeah, well, you know, it's a little... I want to play this game with you guys,

but you know, I want something that's sort of more exciting for me. So, John, I know you're Dan Smith, a temp. A temp? I'm a temp, yes, a temp. So, temporary employees. And you said, or are you're John Sebastian? John Bastion. John Bastion. A marketing manager. A marketing manager. With a Fedora. 10 p.s. the temporary temporary employees and and use it or your john Sebastian john bastion a marketing Managing a marketing manager with a fedora and I will be playing an elf from another world who fell through a

Dimensional portal behind a blacksmith shop here into the mundane Shoppy slide offices and bosses Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi so okay from the choppy. Um, well, you know, we can we'll make that work Maybe we'll see you have a name for your character. Yes, Orlando Bloom At least the name is weird enough aren't you going to ask me what a fedora is It's a kind of hat And we also have a another guest playing with us. My name is Flower and I'm just honestly like,

I don't do a lot of stuff like this and this is very exciting to me. Flower, you're in for a treat. This is a wonderful game that you can really delve into and you lose yourself in this wonderful, fantastical world that Metamorphos is about to take us through. Normally, like, I'm all about, like, pounding nerds, but this is fun. Oh. The flower is in the world of offices and bosses don't actually speak, I know it's strange,

and we don't think they have feelings, but if they don't speak, we don't know. That's why my character is not a flower. My character, my character's name is Gail Davidson Durst. Gail Davidson,ail Davidson Durst. Gail Davidson Durst? Durst? Durst? The URST is hyphenated. Gail Davidson Durst and I am on IT team. Oh great, excellent. Well I'm sure many of your technology skills will come in handy. Yep. Is everybody prepared? Yes. Are we ready?

Oh, very good. You have my bow. OK, you're going to get that whole voice, that whole name, just knocking off. You have my bow. I'm getting into my character. Well, you find yourselves in a conference room in a large office building,

and you have received a message that the Q4 numbers are due. So you must go around the office and find the keepers of the various numbers. So you can compile the statistics for the quarterly report for the all-important fourth quarter. You must find Carl, Steve, Diane, and Kelly. Carl, Steve, Diane, and Kelly.

Yes, yes. What strange names are these? And these Q4 numbers are due by EOB today. So... EOB means end of business order. Oh, oh, okay. Yes. Okay, thanks.

Well, I look around the conference room. Do the voice. Oh, I want to look around the conference room and see if I notice any of the numbers or runes that I need to find for the Q4 report. That's great. And as a marketing manager, you would like to use your keen awareness in... I'm going to use your keen awareness in,

I'm gonna use my dexterity and see if flipping around the room will actually help. Great, great, great, roll of dye there. Okay, there you go. Okay, yes, by the telephone, which is a magical communication device, you notice a company roster listing a phone tree, and on that phone tree, you Carl Steve, Diane, Kelly, and

where their desks are. Oh, excellent. Can I examine this phone tree to decide which one is closest to go to first? It appears Carl is closest. I examine the phone tree for fruit or berries It appears someone has spilled coffee on it, but there are no fruits or berries on the tree one time. Oh really? Yeah, it didn't last very long It's a lot to take in and is this flower talking or gale day was just I'm not good at this game I just like maybe you know gale no get on when you say a lot to take in You know No, get on when you say a lot to take in You are a rude personal

No, I brought it up. I want clearly wanted to talk about it No, get all get all Davis and Durst here and I sent out a company email noticing that there was coffee spilled on the phone tree Dan Smith the temp Realizes I should probably make coffee for everyone so I find a little pod that I put into a machine and I press it and the coffee is made just like that. Okay as a temp you do specialize in random tasks. Oh beautiful. Beautiful. Roll that die roll fast. Of course yes. I said just like that but I should roll for. Here we go. We got a plus four. All right so that's gonna be a

14. 14. Okay it's okay coffee. It's it. Here we go. We got a plus four on the right. So that's going to be a 14. Okay, it's okay, coffee. It's marginal, it's fine. No one's going to complain. Good, I believe Gail wanted to try to send a few ideas. I think you are an IT professional. You are going to be excellent.

You're going to get definitely an advantage on that role. What would you like the content of that email to be? I would like the email to be where the numbers please. Where are the numbers? Great. She said please. Because that's where we want to where the numbers please Where are the numbers great? She said please cuz that's what we want to get the numbers right so it's like she's like straight to the point Get GDD does not fuck around. She's like it straights is a point. She isn't even like use capital letters in her emails and Yeah, they're always people in offices and bosses who just go right to work Sure, you know, they don't want to get involved in the fantasy

They just want to dive right in and start working. That's the genuine way to play though. Yeah, the world is the worst. The work seems like the thing to do. Yes, the segment. Although, don't, would you say the most like long-term offices and bosses players, they get, they start the game, they probably spend a good half hour

to an hour just kind of like easing into the work day, maybe just kind of dickicking around on their computer. Well, they might be some that do that, you know? So, you know, there's, there's some three kinds of people to play offices and bosses. Those who get in it for the fantasy aspect of it, who want to just leave themselves and go to this different world.

Yeah, escape is a, yeah, escape this horrible magical land that you look at. Yeah, it does was so boring. One of my best friends is a skull who's made of pizza. Like, let me sit down and write. Yeah. There are those who wish to have an adventure.

Do something, put themselves. And there are those who want to simulate an alternative reality. How accurately can we get this reality? How accurately this diorole and making coffee, you know? We can't just assume you can make coffee. Yeah, you know, good point. Yeah, most people from my world have a percentage likelihood of successfully making the coffee.

Yeah, yeah. Now would anyone like to venture forth with me? Really, I haven't gotten a chance to do my action yet. Oh, I'm going to... I'm not accustomed to you taking actions. Well, every turn I have to do my action yet. Oh, I'm going to, uh... I'm not accustomed to you taking actions. Well, every turn I have to do something. That's how this game works, right? So is Orlando Bloom just seated the whole game?

No, Orlando Bloom is alive! You can walk around stuff? Oh yeah! Wow, this is fantasy! Alright, go for it! I am going to remember the name of my fathers and say a silent prayer to the goddess of wonderment.

I'll let you do that without rolling. That's fine. Okay, so I just succeeded. Well, that companywide email has gone out and Carl has arrived with his with his numbers. So that I win. So that is good. That's a good one. That's a quarter of the Q4 numbers. Okay. You've already received. So Carl's arrived at Gilday if it's in Durst, that is good. That's a good one. That's a quarter of the Q4 numbers. Okay. You've already received so Carl's arrived And if it's in Durst that is again. GDD says you're welcome with an annoying tone And you're just Carl's got a bunch of papers and all kinds of papers are flying everywhere behind them

And you expose them all on the table and there's just a big mess Oh, no, I'm sorry. I know you want the Q4 numbers that just came down from Counts receivable and these just they told me these I don't know He's more flustered Carl these papers are a mess Well, I mean everyone has their own organizational system. It's just mine is I have him here somewhere I Go to make a Carl coffee, but I pee in it 17 17 Carl does not notice he does not know so you're in in this coffee boom but I pee in it. All right. 17. 17.

Carl does not notice. He does not notice. You're in in this coffee. Boom, baby. And he drinks it and does not notice. He does not notice. The fuck is still taking it. I try to use charisma to get Carl to explain

his organizational system to me. Sure, and as a marketing manager, you probably have some. I'm pretty high-chrismy. You wanna go roll your diving up? It's a 12th. 12th, okay. But I get a plus three buffer because I don't my fedora.

You do, well, with that Carl calms down, he relaxes a little bit and begins finding, narrowing it down the search. Do what, I know it's one of these three pieces of paper are gonna get the numbers you guys need. Phew, excellent. And then I come in and I take the paper and I just do it myself quietly with no recognition.

Sure, I'm gonna roll the die there. Again, IT professionals are very good at working independently. There's a woman in the office that usually just take on the, is that, that's a five. And does she get all of that five or 70% of that five? Of that, of the five-year-old, does she get all of it or 70%? She gets all of it. Oh, okay. She gets all of it. Well, you've narrowed it down. You know you've gotten Carl's numbers.

Excellent. Excellent. And just as he leaves, Steve comes in. Again, the company email has brought everybody in. Classic Steve. So Steve comes in and he's just like, what? Why am I here? What's going on? What's what's the story? I believe Arnold has initiative. It's Orlando or Landau sings a song to the creatures of the woods Is the office near the woods is the office near the office near the office?

The office is not near the woods. It's in a bit of an office park. Yeah, but it's a bit of a misnomer because no one's allowed in the office park. Okay. It's big closed off wooded fieldy area that looks quite beautiful. You'd love to have a picnic there, but you're not allowed to. Okay. Strange.

I guess. You want to roll your die there. 11? 11. Okay, well, the strange nature of your song just kind of confuses Steve and he's like, look, I'm going back to my desk. If you guys don't have anything, need anything from me. I'm just going back to my desk, alright? Oh, well, we do need something from you, Steve.

What's that? What do you need? We need to queue four numbers. Do you guys hate your jobs as much as I do? Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I mean, it's pretty miserably, you're right. Oh, it's the worst. Yeah. It's the Gail Davidson worst. That's right. I mean it's pretty miserably alright. Oh, it's the worst. It's the gale day of its in worst

That's right. I mean like I hate it here. You know what you might like? Oh Chucked yeah, I think he wants you to commiserate. Oh, oh, how much money do you make? Can't be less than me? 32 grand I make 18 grand well you're a 10 man, but I mean like I like salary or I make 32 grand That's bullshit. You're the best man. Steve Steve, you're like, no, no kidding, like, you're here a half hour early every day. You say a half hour late. I've been by your desk, you have a beautiful, wife, three beautiful children.

I mean, thanks, man. Your whole life is amazing, but this job is killing you. I'm just, I'm trying to live by the core values, you know? And I don't get thanks for it. Like, how much money do you make? Job, bastion. Oh, I make only 36,000 a year. It's ridiculous. I mean, how are you, you're a, you're a marketing manager.

While all this is happening, I have snuck off to my computer to create an invite to my child's birthday party and use company paper to do it. I don't roll that die. 20 natural 20. Wow. Wow. You also managed to steal some toner and paper clips that fall into your person. No one seems to even mind that was fantastic. Man, Gail is killing it. We have a rolls for Steve for commiserating there. Again, as a temp, as a low level hourly employee, you have the ability to commiserate better.

That's a 13 plus one. So, uh, next, uh, modified, uh, 16. That's perfect. Great. Steve's like, look, dude, just take this, take my paperwork, take, you want the numbers, boom. Yeah, you got them. Yeah, baby, Nick's, modified, uh, 16. That's perfect. Great, Steve's like, dude, just take this, take my paperwork, take, you want the numbers, boom. Yeah, you got him. Yeah, baby. Let's go out of here.

Classic Steve. I'm also gonna roll two of these four-sided dies to try to read Steve's mind before he leaves the room. Ooh. I only got a two. Steve's mind is easy to read. Oh, that's good. I hate my job.

I hate my job. He just says it, too. I hate my job. He's saying what he thinks. Not particularly useful. Yeah, Steve is all text. No sub that's good. I hate my job. I hate my job. He just says it, dude. He's saying what he's been going to do. Yeah, Steve is all text. No subtexts. No, I hate my job. Well, Steve, I'm going to roll to see if I can take a sneak peek at Gail, David's endurance party invite and see if her husband's name is Fred.

On the invite, you do see it is Fred. Yeah. Absolutely. Diane has not appeared in the conference room. I suggest we sell a fourth and form a party to go to her desk and get the Q4 numbers from her Very well if it's everybody we're gonna go make a visit Diane in person. Yeah, I mean you said or is basically just forming a quest Oh, you sure you got do something different Where we could go we could we could split up two of us could go and two of us could try something else. Two of us could go try to meet Diane and two could try to go meet Kelly. We could try to get everybody in the same room with enticing them. Oh, yes, maybe maybe we should uh oh maybe we should buy a cake for the office. Yeah, I sent there's a

cake in the break room. Is that like everybody's cake or is that like? Is that for anybody is for everybody? Okay, I Already had a little bit of cake Orlando Just I mean I saw it there. I just did you cut into the message? No, not the meant just a corner just a corner I mean there was a flower there was an actual flower that is offensive I know so if you want to try to repurpose the cake or bring it over, you can. I will be a penalty for it, but anybody know that there's cake in the break room. The conference room could bring, could bring

Diane and Kelly there. That's for sure. I still think we should form a quest and just go to them directly. All right, I'm done for the party. Okay. Yeah, let's do it. All the quest. All right. You leave the conference room on your way to Diane's cubicle. You find Diane at a cubicle at a computer. And what is a cubicle? It's, um, we'll find out right after this break. Hello, I'm Charles Schmutz, world famous car-funist and creator of the comic strip No Shoes for Tuesday.

As we all know, car-funists use forbidden magic to take our crew drawings and allow them to move and talk and live. Do you wish you were a car-funist like me? Well now you can be with the new game Uddles of Doodles. For just the price of one mil producing goat in your favorite child's hair, you can own Udels of Doodles, a game for friends and families that let you bring your own car foods to life. Just like a real car foodist, each box of Udels of Doodles contains one fell slate tablet,

one piece of arcane chalk, 200 klucards, and hours and hours of fun. Uh, cabbage? No. Birds. 30 feet of rope. A badger. No. Oh, cabbage? No. Birds. 30 feet of rope? A badger. No. Oh, a wizard.

Birds, birds, a dragon. Clouds. Are you even trying? I said clouds. Uh. Ah! Jesus Christ! What is that?

Guess. I don't want to. You have to. That's the game. What dark magic stuff rocked this horror? Uh, time's up, you idiots. It was a cat. Why is it all squished in on one side? Uh, it's called perspective.

No, uh, hmm, I'm out. Oodles of doodles. Bring your creations to life. Today, whether you should or not. Now, Metamorph. What is a cubicle? Well, a cubicle. Imagine a outhouse got it, where you've cut the walls off. Hunter said, no, I got it at five feet. I moved it indoors. And there's no hole. And you just shit in there?

No, no, there's no hole. He is actually where your workstation is. Gotcha. Now I would like to speak to Diane. What? What are you, what? We are trying to get the Q400s. I gave him the rods, okay.

I gave him the rods. Ooh, oh, I'm sannis. Sassy. And just, rise is in town, okay? I apologize. Okay, we're under the impression that you had them. Well, rise is in from Richmond, okay? Okay.

And she, I just gave him to her. Do you know where is she in a temporary office or an open cubicle? Wait, wait, wait, can I jump in here? Yeah, please. Hey, Tyann. Yeah? I got a half drunk bottle of arbor mist The pack of my cubicle. We want to do I can get are you kidding? No, I'm not kidding. Do you want it?

That's the best thing I've heard all day. I thought well actually roll a diver Let me see 12 Okay Well, she is what do you do you, what do you suggesting? I'm suggesting that it's a peach shard name. And that just, we just go see what I have on your character sheet. Do you have a peach shard name listed on your character sheet? No, I have a strawberry Merlot. Well, yeah, yeah, I know you're new to the game, but don't lie to it. I have to actually use the item. Oh, Okay, oh shit. Okay, cool. And Metamorph just a heads up just to step out of the game for one minute

Probably don't piss off flower like she seems pretty cool right now But the last thing you want to do in fun is to piss off a flower Just that's okay. I mean I threw off a cliff. I can't back a change flower But also fuck you great. So I'm gonna attempt to engage now that Diane's defense It seemed to be a little lowered and I'm going to try and roll to see if her and Sam are we're gonna get together sure You don't know you don't know Ingen please. They won't they well Now I don't know I like I't know. In conclusion. You know they won't they. Well, now I don't know.

I like, I think Sam should get together with Rebecca. Oni, it's your turn. Oh, um, I cut Diane's arm off. What? Don't do that. We're trying to figure out why she gave the number first. That was her number's arm. I wait, let's see. Paul Mer is going with this.

I follow my Elvin Sword and I cut Diane's arm off. Oh my god. All right, roll the die. Okay. Whoa! 20. This is a bad idea. Okay, I just want to say that for the rocket.

You cut her armor off and the blade continues into her chest. Shit. Oh no, wait. Into her lungs and she's instantly killed. It's like gold. I checked the inside of her body for the numbers. Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait I killed Diane killed I have to kill

This is why I don't do anything. She says she gave the numbers to Roz. So can we just go find Roz? Oh, yeah poor Sam Too I need everyone to roll on the mention of Roz. Everyone needs to roll a office gossip check. Oh, okay because everyone needs to roll an office gossip check. Okay. Okay. Maybe we can get over 14. We have a 16. 16.

I only had a six. Dan, you know of Roswalters. She's the Midwest regional COO, and she's a boss. She's a boss. She's a real boss. Now we're getting somewhere. And we're gonna need those numbers

if, you know, in order to compile your numbers to get the final tally. So we've got two numbers. Diane is dead. So if there was another copy on her computer we'll probably won't know. And I don't know if this is permissible. I'm gonna use one of my bike pins.

What did you say they're called, Ernie? The big, big, big. Oh, big pins. I'm gonna use one of my bike pins. What did you say they're called, Ernie? The big, big, big. That's what it was. The big pins. I'm gonna use those to take Diane's eyes, just in case we need those later. Sure, great. I'll put those into my, my,

satchel of holding. Sure. Best in your bag of holding? Yeah. Right in on your carriage, you do. You got Diane's eyes. Diane's eyes. Do you inspect the eyes?

Sure. I do want to look at the eyes, yeah? They're blue. They're blue. Two blue Sure. I do want to look at the eyes, yeah? They're blue. They're blue. Two blue eyes. I would like to inspect her desk area and see if there's anything that's useful here. I'm gonna roll a die there.

I would like to take a turn to think about what I've done. It's a five. A five. You just find some cat pictures. Oh, can I have those? Sure, if you like. Okay. A few Ziggy cartoons

Ziggy Yeah, it's just kind of this formless blob with arms and legs that has wise very keen wise quotes. No, it doesn't seem fantastical Yeah, it's a lot as first I thought it was an Arnie cartoon till it said something wise Now I suppose should we try to go speak to Kelly before we take on Raws? I killed Diane. Lando get over it. Yeah, can we shorten Orlando to Lando? Lando? The name sounds way cooler. Yeah, so Gail, do you think we should go talk to Kelly before we take on Raws? I don't give a shit about Kelly. I gotta be honest. I don't, she doesn't talk to me. Uh, straight to Raws. You want to go straight to Raws without talking to Kelly? Is that wise? of a ship about Kelly. I gotta be honest, she hasn't talked to me.

You got a rise? Straight to rise, you wanna go straight to rise? Is that why? I mean, she's a CEO, that's gonna be a big step up in terms of difficulty. See, what was it? See, oh, she's operations officer. I'd like to try to broker a piece between Gail and Kelly.

I'd like to try to get them talking again. Okay. Do you have any skills in the HR realm or just marketing? Well, I have a high charisma, but I don't have any HR experience. Well, let's go ahead and roll in on your charisma. Did Diane have a family? Yes, she did. John Baston found a picture of her and five dogs. Some, yeah. And it said, I rescued all of you on the picture.

13. 13. Okay. Well, Kelly might come around, but Gail's still a little recalcitrant. But certainly, maybe Kelly might come around if you can find her. I tried You can talk to Kelly. I'm just gonna hang back because I can't be responsible for what I say to Kelly Okay

Would you guys go to find Kelly then? I'm going to roll to see if I can yell and say Cake in the break room if that will send Kelly a running chair share roll sure. We're all here. Got an eight. Ooh, well, Kelly is been on a diet. OK. And so Kekon Breeds not going to track her. Yeah. I didn't aid. I probably say something like breaking a cake room

or something like that. Yeah, you screw it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I worry about going to jail. We haven't really committed any crimes, you know. It's just killed in office made. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine.

Off to Kelly. Off to Kelly. I think we should go talk to Kelly before we take on Ross But somebody was saying they want to go to Ross. Can we call can we call Kelly? Sure? You found the phone tree. You know what her extension. Let's climb to the top of the phone tree and shout out for her You mean that can we do that? Can we shout from the phone tree? Yeah, certainly can climb to top of the phone tree and shout out Across the office you see someone stand up a woman stand up That can we shout from the phone tree? Yeah, it certainly can. Climb to top of the phone tree and shout out. Wonderful. Across the office, you see someone stand up, a woman stand up across the office.

What do you want? Classic. You recognize Kelly. Immediately, this is Kelly. We need to queue for numbers. That's what he said last night. Oh, no. That's cool.

No. No. This is why I for all. No, he's. No, he's. This is why I did not want to talk to Kelly. Everyone needs to make a concentration check or be sucked into Kelly's vortex of weekend sex talk. Oh, right. I don't warn you guys. Two, two, two oh natural one oh

Are we sure we don't want to win that vortex too well. It's a modified Did you get a roll of it too as well too as well? Are we sure we don't want to be in that vortex? Well, it could eat up a lot of time. No, it's gonna take at least five turns to burn through all of her weekend weekend Wow, you know that's sexual the weekend at least five turns to burn through all of her weakened. Wow. That's sexual, but weakened. Well, it's with Kelly. That's who that's the kind of office monster she is. Oh, I see.

That's the kind of office. Sex talk, weakened, sex talk, and office monster. Did you get a role in there? Oh, yeah. I also have a two. Okay, you're all under the spell. And the whole spend the next 20 minutes at the end of that 20 minutes, who will roll again to see if this turns into an hour long lunch session. So this could be skewed.

So she goes in talking about her weekend. You're not going to believe it. I went to this bar, all right, and ditched all my girlfriends because they didn't want to like hook up with the guys and things, you know, and they're just, Kelly wants to do. Constantly, yaring on and on and on. You're just all hook line and sinker. You are just, you could be more enthralled by all this. So go make your rolls again here.

Okay. See if you can with stand, the 12th. 16, 16. Eight. Two. Two, all right. John and Gale, you're able to like, this is ridiculous. This is, I bet half the stuff isn't even true.

Yeah, I know it's not. Much like, you know, she just big-ducked up. Well, sadly, Orlando and Dan Smith, you guys were very much enraptured. I'm going to use, I have, it says once per game, I have this ability where I can, as a temp, I'm able to, what does it say here? I'm able to able to say oh I'm not feeling well and take the rest of the day off sick Okay, uh if you wish yeah, yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and use that But then you see out of the game For the rest of the day. Yeah, just for the rest of the day

All right for the rest of the day and let's see which is to hide the bathroom But then if he gets caught saying he was gonna be out. I'll stay in the game I'll wait. How about this what if I cut her arm off? She's across she's across the office. You'll have to cross the office make several turns across the office Okay, and again right now you just love hearing her stories. I just can't do enough. I do She says that we should go scrap lunch and the two you are like down. Yeah, I'm paying you know Gail, how are we gonna get you members? You are like, I'm down, I'm paying, you know, you know, the gale. John Bask, you are like, you're able to resist. The resist, we still don't have the information that we need.

We can search for a desk while she's out. That's a great idea. So then, so you let her go to lunch with Dan and, and, uh, Lando. Lando. Uh, sex lunch. Sex lunch. Sex lunch.

I would like to search the desk. Right, when rolled, they're, sex lunch. For the next, for the next hour. Sex lunch. I would like to search the desk. Right, when rolled, they're, die there. Nine. Nine. Gail, did you want to check her computer? Oh, yeah, I'm gonna, because I'm IT, so I'm... You're IT, yeah, you're gonna get a big bonus for that one.

So I'm gonna roll this and, yeah. It's a 12. 12, okay, with your bonus, she left her computer on with the, with the numbers, the Q4 numbers right on that page. You're able to go right away. Great, baby. You can compile them.

Alright, so we have three of the four. The last is with Ross. Do I find anything for my search on the desk? Again, you just found some cat pictures. Can I have them? Sure. Can I leave her something? If you wish.

If you wish. I took a shit more of the drawers. All right, very well. OK. All right. It is an outhouse. One of the side drawers or the top drawer. Like the little, like the real thin one that you don't know

what to, like it maybe a keyboard goes in there, but you're not sure. Yeah, yeah, okay. That also like she might not find that for years. I hope not. Well, it is currently 3 p.m. Uh, I feel like it.

EOB is going to be at five o'clock. Have we used any of our 15 minute breaks? I haven't used any of mine. Minimers said we get two per game. And it's stepping outside for a second. Does that count? Depends who your manager is, or your direct manager is. All this information is in the employee manual. And what I can't understand in the employee manual is that it says,

you can take it an extra 15 if you smoke, but if you don't, you cannot. That doesn't make sense. Well, how long can I spend in the bathroom? 15 minutes. And then again, depending on who your direct supervisor is, if they're curious about your location or where you are, did you leave a note? Did you tell someone where you were going? As usual, I focused on the bathroom when we should be getting things done.

I get it. It is now 4.45. Oh, that's 4.45! I'm going to try to get the check. Check, please. Do I? Do I know which conference room Roses working out of? You do. I am going, I would like to go to the conference room.

Okay, you go to the conference room, you open the door, and there you see Ross Walters. A bit more regional COO, and she's expecting the compiled numbers from you. Hey, Ross, we have three of the four numbers we need for the Q4 numbers. It's John. Bastion, right? Bastion, yes. Okay, I needed those numbers.

Yeah, we're getting them together right now, but the thing is Diane died and she gave you the third set that completes the four. As soon as I get those, I'll have a four and I can just take it. She's dying, huh? Right over to you. Yeah. It's a tell-h-r about that. Orlando killed her. Okay. All right. Well, maybe I'll have to have a talk with them. Oh, yeah. You should probably have a talk with them. So where are my numbers, John? Well, I have these three. I just need the... Okay. I'm gonna tag in. Where are my numbers, John? Well, I have these three, I just need good. Okay, I'm gonna tag in, I'm gonna tag in. Hey, er, hey, Roz.

I'm gonna make her seem like it was her idea. Good thing, I'm thinking, yes. So, um, because you've always told us to take such initiative, I thought, you know, that we give you what we have, and then we just can't wait to see what you have to bring to the table. While Gale is talking, I sneak around

and start setting the cat pictures up on Gail's work area. Go ahead and roll your die there. Okay. But as an IT professional, no, your charisma is terrible. Okay. Well, she's doing that. Can I roll to see if this interaction finally counts as us meeting the Bechtball test?

It's a four. Okay, it's unsuccessful. Look, I need some buy-in from you too, okay? Best practices. Best practice, I need both the altar roll. Okay. Just don't get a jargon, man. Yes, you're a intelligence.

Where's that waiter with our check? Here, let me try. Mmm, check, please. I got a 10. I got a 10. 18. 18. Gail, you are currently broken by Roswaltar's eyes of disappointment. Physically?

Well, that physically, but your spirit is broken by her eyes of disappointment. The next five turns, you can do nothing, but I agree with her, I feel bad. Oh, gosh. Am I close enough to Gail to share a potion with her? Uh, yes you are. Here, take this monster. That's a monster, an energy drink, a monster energy drink. Okay.

We'll cut that eyes of disappointment from five turns to two turns. Thank you. You're welcome. That is the one thing on Earth that seems weird in terms of like the energy drinks are named monster and there's a brilliant minutes or drink. Oh, it's a red ball. Yeah, that makes no sense. Okay, for Roz's turn, she is going to push a button under desk and some inoffensive alto saxophone music starts playing.

It's a music while they'll come in Kenny G. And you all your roles will be made at disadvantage. Very start to say angry, very hard to stay emotional here. Does my Fedora cover my ears? It does not. I'm familiar with your boss fight. I feel you're with your work, John. You've done a very poor job.

I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. Real disappointed. Well, I think maybe your jump into conclusions just a little bit, uh, and I just want you to understand that here are the first three sets. Well, they haven't been compiled with the fourth set. You which I need to get from you. Okay, I don't work here. But Diane says to you.

I'm here for Richmond. Diane, who's Diane? She's the lady with her arm cut off. And she's roll a perception check there. Stephen. 11. But I also, I'm also wearing my reading glasses of 6.

That's excellent. You notice the numbers are in a folder on her desk. The numbers from Diane. Okay, while this is happening, I've become one with the wall. Yeah, you're still under the eyes of disappointment. I know the pain. And while this fight is going on

and we're still out at lunch, and so I notice it's almost five. I want to roll to talk shit about Kelly when she goes to the bathroom. Sure. Yeah, I hear that. 19. That's perfect.

You let her have it. Great. What why did we do this? But a waste of time. We know those numbers are due and we chose to do this and the stories are always the same. Yeah. It is every week. It's the same, you know, sad story. It feels great to talk shit about your coworkers when they're not around. That feels amazing. That was amazing. I decide that I say to Ross, I say, well, actually half my team just disappeared this afternoon, so I'm doing the best that I can,

and then I leap to crab the numbers off of her desk. Okay. Nice. Ooh. She steps on the way. Your hands touch your body. Oh, no. She is. the way. Ah, your hands touch your body. Oh, no. She is.

Oh, no. She is furious. I'm nearly furious with this. Meanwhile, while that's going on at the restaurant, Orlando is going to roll since it's so close to 5 to kind of like fuck it. The day's pretty much over. We should probably go home grab some more drinks.

Oh, or get some more drink. Just kind of fuck it. Like, well, it doesn't make any sense to go back in there. I'm not going back to our now Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Yeah, because then it like we would be trapped there for who knows how long We can't just walk in and be like hey, oh be there for two minutes and then go home or go out for drinks. Yeah, cool thing John Bastion has come to my attention that you You disseminated confidential compensation information to other employees. You disseminated other employees? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Yes, that is correct. And then you touch my body. I should apologize for that.

And I should commit to working an extra two hours tonight to make sure this is done before I leave. I need your role saving through. Versus. All right. Come on. Big numbers, big numbers, big numbers. Three. John Bastion, we're letting you go.

No! What? Dium! No! I'm so glad I'm out of the office right now. Now, I make one last effort to say, I'm so sorry, I'll do anything to make this right, I'll work this weekend, I definitely want to get those

Q4 numbers to you Roll again Come on John do it Six I Need you to leave now John. Okay, this is your last day. No, this will be your last day double doom You idiot to lunch and I got fired so what You idiots were to lunch and I got fired. So while you can't hear you, you're not-

I go back to my computer and can I, can I see if I can send an email, but time date it back. So it looks like she had the finished product the whole time. That's very difficult, but might- But I work in computers. I know you're working in computer, but you still don't have dance numbers.

Still don't have dance numbers. Okay, can I make them up? We need. Still don't have Diane's numbers. Okay. Can I make them up? We did you can do go ahead and roll on your computer check there. Okay. It's a nine. Nine. You do notice on Roswaltrow's computer that there's an email from Diane that says,

thank you for those numbers. So then can I go access it from my computer? Because I have access to all of the emails. Well, you probably can, but I'm just saying, she knew that she had those numbers. She's delivered. As an action before we leave, the place we're having dinner. Yeah.

Since the service was so bad and took us very early to check, I'm going to leave one of Diane's eyes on the table as a tip. Oh, yeah. I'm going to kill everyone in the restaurant. Everyone in the room. No, not Dan Smith. No, not my brother Dan Smith. Okay, you do it.

You managed to get right in the restaurant. No, wow. I take back Diane's eyes and I take my knife fountain grab whatever Eyes I can from the those around me. We have gotten a lot of us can be 36 eyes Seasling is a bad day for Johnson's a bastion John first of all his name is John Bastion Second of all I've been playing this character since I was in the great halls of Trockus and now he's fired It's all your fault. We just got a lot of eyes.

But now, just so you know, you will get unemployment benefits and Cobra for several, several weeks. You guys, Snake. You guys, Snake. That's exciting. So in that time, if you can find more employment, that's good, but as Gale did discover,

Ross had those numbers, she knew about it. So Can we bring that up against her somehow? Is there somebody at five o'clock? It's five o'clock. Wow good session everyone good session. Yeah, man a lot. Oh Well, everyone came out pretty good. No, that's not true. But I mean overall it's pretty successful No, we failed to do what we are set out to do. And one of us is fired. That's a bad day.

Wait, who got fired? I got fired. Oh, that's right. But I guess if you're not the one that's fired, you had a pretty good day. Yeah, that's fine. Look, Gale got a bunch of toner, Dan got a bunch of eyeballs,

I got a kill a bunch of people, and you got a snake. I have a cardboard box full of cat pictures. I can't wait for Gilly to see that shit in her desk. She never will find it. And now we know, what do you do to send your magic themed podcast into the stratosphere? Remove the magic! Shunt the King of the Badgers, aka Dan Smith was played by Adel Ruffy. Usador the Lighter Blue, aka John Bastion, was played with a shocking level of vocal

restraint by Matt Young. Methamore, the office manager, was played by Bill Arnett. Bill runs the Chicago Improv Studio where he teaches classes. You can learn more about that and his book The Complete Improvizer at ChicagoImprovStudio.com. Flower, aka Gail Davidson Durst, was played by special guest Brooke Bright. Brooke performs regularly with Adel in the show World News Tonight at Chicago's I-O Theater. Don't worry, Matt, you'll get there. Charles Schmutz, the car-funist, was played by Scott Kurtz.

The creator of the webcomics, PVP, and table titans. The assorted Udels of Doodles players were voiced by Angela Kurtz, Corey Cassoni, and Steve Hamacker. Go to PVPonline.com and buy their stuff with all of your Bitcoin riches. Oh, it's worth mentioning that Scott Kurtz plays Bingwin the Dwarf in Acquisitions Inc. A Dungeons & Dragons live play podcast in YouTube series, along with the Penny Arcade guys and Patrick Rothfuss. If you somehow enjoy this junk, you'll probably enjoy that junk too, so go check it out.

Offices and bosses is produced by Arnie, Nikam, Ryan DeGeorgie, and Evan Jacover. This episode edited by Ryan DeGeorgie, production assistance by Garrett Schultz, logo by Aller Lban, and theme music by Andy Poland. And now the first word in this week's Secret Freights was... was.