Hello From The Magic Tavern - Offices and Bosses S1E3: Singing Sword from I.T.

Episode Date: May 20, 2019

The Singing Sword joins our heroes for a battle in a Panera. There is stabbing.CreditsArnie, aka Orlando Bloom: Arnie NiekampChunt, aka Dan Smith: Adal RifaiUsidore, aka John Bastion: Matt YoungMetamore:Bill ArnettSinging Sword, aka Gail Davidson-Durst: Erica ElamManagers of the Smoldering Widow: Justin McElroy, Travis McElroy, Griffin McElroy, and Clint McElroyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenHigh Time Queen: Brooke BreitProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I'm supposed to tell you that in two weeks you should expect some exciting news about the upcoming season of Hello from the Magic Tavern right here on this feed. But more importantly, I need to water the plants up here. This sweet woodruff can't water itself. And honestly, it's embarrassing. I'm just gonna sit here and play with these stress balls. At least I think they're stress balls. They seem really stressed when I squeeze them.

Here not. Marketing Manager, IT Professional, Sales Rep, and TIP. I am Office Manager, your guide in the realm of bosses and bosses! Hey, welcome back to our third play session of Office and Bosses. I gotta say, like the last day is since we last played, like I've been kinda feeling excited about playing it. It's weird that I'm kind of enjoying playing this role-playing game set in, you know, my mundane world. Well, your character, Ralanda Blum, has been super active.

I mean, mostly killing people, but I have killed a lot of people. Super active, yeah. So, kudos. Thank you, yeah, I mean, I gotta admit, John, it was kind of a dick move for me to play an elf in the game. It's a little weird, I mean, we're trying to escape, you know, we're trying to escape our reality, so it's a little weird, but honestly, it's all about having fun, so whatever you want to do, you do, if this is fun for you and you feel good about it, then yeah. Oh, thanks. Yeah, of course.

Great, I mean, I think that's a great thing about role-playing games, so you can kind of just like have fun. Yeah, oh yeah, absolutely. But in the spirit of the game wouldn't you much rather play a mail room attendant? Or perhaps a personal assistant? Oh man, it's so exciting. There are dwarves in this world. Oh, what's that? A dwarf does exist in this world. Oh, what is it like, but what does it do?

It was just someone who's shorter than the than the average. Oh, I see and It's a condition, you know in the game. They're called little people. Oh, okay, that seems that seems right But they're placed in a big world, so they're just as capable as anyone else. They just happen to be yeah, you know Have a condition where they're smaller, but if that's fun for you to do and you know what I will I'm gonna stick through This adventure we're doing as Orlando Bloom, the elf, who, you know, a year and eight or so months ago fell through a dimensional portal behind a blacksmith choppy into the mundane, off-easy world of offices and bosses. You say mundane a lot, but I don't, this has been anything but, I don't know.

It's pretty, it's pretty fantastic, I think. I love it. And then where I know, before we get back into the game, what draws you to offices and bosses? I'm not gonna lie, I'm not. I'm not, I was not the strongest kid, you know, and got picked on a lot. Uh-huh.

It was an opportunity for me to kind of escape, to kind of get away, and to do some other things, and I don't want to get too serious, but you know, it's, um, I get to be the the hero how often in our regular lives do we get to be heroes You know exactly and as now is the office manager you get to tell the story Create it from the ground up. Exactly. That's great. And you know I'm working on some other stuff some speculative fiction and things You know really place in this in this world in this era. Oh, wonderful. Yeah. I got a whole

bunch of stories about this attorney and this law firm and all the ridiculous adventures that happen. Oh, wow. Yeah, that sounds incredible. Yeah. And each each story is, oh, this is big crime, but it turns out that there's a huge thing behind it, you know, and, uh, can you imagine stories about crimes and lawyers? That sounds amazing. I never thought of such a thing, you're very creative, Metamorphosis. Now is the world full of chaos or is there order? There is law and there is order.

Okay. You know, and uh... Each story, it's kind of broken into two parts. Well, the first half is like, whoa! That's just the crime, this is terrible. Yeah, yeah. But then of course, you know, being as handed over to the local magistrate

who then investigates the crime and then has to get that conviction, you know. It's not like here where justice is a sharp sword. Shunt, this would be the perfect thing for Shunt to finally do. I think you should put this up, have a reading of Metamores. Stories at Shunt's Night. That be amazing would you yeah, absolutely that Yeah, I'm John chun I cast it. Um, they're only they're only about you know 40 minutes or so so maybe we can do two back-to-back

You know, oh, yeah, like a little marathon a little marathon. Yeah, just do a bunch of nice night would be perfect Oh, that is a perfect thing for chun chun's night well, minimum or you know If you've signed you've probably written a lot of stories that take place in this world of law and order. Have you considered doing like a spin-off book that maybe is the same, but are all the stories that have a more sexual nature to them? Everyone hates spin-offs. No, no. Why does your spin-off go right to- Like a sexual, just a more sexual version? You know when you mentioned spin-offs, my first thought is, well, I am actually working on

people who actually go to these crime scenes and do that first round of investigating. Mm-hmm. You know, right at the scene of the crime. Right at the scene of the crime. This is very exciting. By the way, I call it ISC, the investigating scenes of the crime.

Yeah. And, you know, I knew it every week. And, yeah. But it's not sexual, you know, to get back to that. Yeah, although have you considered doing a spin off of that that takes place in Miami? What? What is that word?

This is a very sexual, so I don't like the way you say it. One thing at a time, you know, one thing at a time. Yeah. My writing is very personal, and I don't. Oh, I saw it. Oh, I'm so sorry, I forgot to mention My writing is very personal and I don't oh Hey, oh guys, I'm so sorry. I forgot to mention gale david's endorse the character in the game offices and bosses You know flower later, but then you know I couldn't get flower to come back and crammed in so crammed did a good job with her Yes, I haven't seen crammed. Yeah, crammed crammed crammed crammed ran off and killed a few people

but I was able it took was able, it took some convincing, but I got the singing sword to come and play offices, and bosses with us. Oh, hello. Hello. Thank you so much for inviting me. Oh, thank you for coming out. Is it weird to be out without your swordsman?

It's weird and it's wonderful. Sure. I, you know, Jack and I do everything together, and sometimes it becomes a bit much, so it's nice to be out of his hands and hear with friends. Strike it out on your own! Mm, yes.

So, you know, this is just a normal night, a wizard, a human, a talking badger, a singing sword, and metamorphosis, like you're just like a guy. You're just a guy, just a guy. Well, he still has hopes and dreams and aspirations. Oh, of course, of course. He's for all these speculative scripts. Yeah.

It's my hope someday, and maybe it could be attached to the Minotaur, I'm not quite sure, but I have my own little store. Wow. Or I could sell equipment to play offices and bosses, you know, like office supplies. And you know, you could get all the papers and pencils you need to play the game.

Yeah, and you could sell all of the like, the staples that people need to play the game. Yeah, so they can play it to the max. Maybe, you know, that's my dream. That's a problem, you know, if I can pick up some tips, reading stories at first. Sure. At Chunch Knight, you know,

and anything I can pick up a long way to make that happen would be great, you know, and well, I have a little surprise to see, Fane, I've painted a long way to make that happen. It would be great, you know, and... Well, I have a little surprise to see, Fiend. I've painted a miniature of my character. Oh, wow! Yes, there he is in his suit and his fedora and his messenger bag. John Bastion.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Wonderful. That's great. Yeah, we can maybe get into this. We can use our miniatures and have them move around the space a little bit, you know? Oh, sure. Now Arnold, you live in this world.

What do you think of my purple jacket and my green pants? Ah, I mean, I feel like people don't really dress like that unless they're, you know, like a Batman villain. What? I don't know, that's hard to explain. On my world, there's a vigilante named Batman, and he has villains who kind of dress like that. So you're saying that an office worker would not really dress like this? You know what? Offices in my world are kind of drab, and they're not really colorful places.

Fine. If you want, I could just cut that up. It's just trash now. No, I'll just devour it. No, no, I'm sorry. No, I didn't mean to be I didn't mean to be overly critical. I'm sorry. I'm there. I wonder if you're in here. I'm here I wonder if the next time you do this himself. He's gonna say devour of miniature features. I know That was a lot of puter and paint. Well That is not gonna come out easy

Not pleasant. I'm gonna do it on an ale. Singing sword, if you ever played offices and bosses before? No, I've never played any game except stab. Oh, you've never played any game? No. No. What's your record in stab?

Um, I mean, what do you mean by record? Like win loss? Oh, I always win. Oh, okay, I could see that. I could see that. Yeah, I could see that. I feel like even if the swordsman or swordswoman loses the sword the sword wins Right like swords don't lose unless they get broken. Yes, and you can't break me. I'm unbreakable Oh, you're are you magically unbreakable? Are you just really confident? Are you just young and you're like?

I'm unbreakable. Nothing. I'll ever happen to me. Yes, that one. Okay. Have you ever been in like a card accident and you weren't, you didn't get hurt? Um, yes. Like a bad card accident. Yeah. You were like falling to a pool. And everyone else got hurt except me. Yeah. You fall into a pool of water before and you didn't drown.

I didn't drown. You're unbreakable. Oh, wow. Unbreakable. I hear some ails for the table and some milk from it, amawar. Thank you, frame-panda and some polish for you.oa. Thank you, Framkanda, and some Polish for you. Oh! So thoughtful, what a gentleman.

A clip on this little necktie on your hip there. Oh! Oh! Wonderful. Wonderful go. You're so adorable. I forget that you are an instrument of death, really. Yes, death and pain and destruction.

Yeah. Gosh, Jack never thinks to bring me polish. I like that. You're welcome. Don't flirt with her. I mean, that's nice. I have a joiner's right under the hilt. Oh boy.

Yeah. Hey guys, this is about the game. Tonight is about the game. Hey guys, I think she's floating with me. I think you're right. I think you're right. But careful, she's dating Foon's greatest swordsman. And I am Foon's greatest wizard. Hmm, I think cans better.

Hey, it would be a good fight though, huh? Not really. Let's get to the game. Sure, well, you know, when last we left, John Bastion was on his way to meet Aaron, who has a friend at the Department of Labor, Tate Shorter, you're gonna hate me. Which Aaron?

Redhead girl, Aaron. Great, okay. There's also Aaron, who's a gentleman. Who's a gentleman who has a brown hair? Yes, yeah. So seeing sort of there's Aaron and there's Aaron. Yeah, yeah. Arnie's at some point gonna say two Aaron's.

And which one am I? Nice. No, I'm sorry. You are Gail, Davidson Durst. Ooh, how exotic and fantastical. And you're an IT professional, which means you are a master of machines and magical devices and computers and communication systems that allow you to talk

across vast distances. Oh, okay, I'm in. Let's play. Yeah, and as a reminder, I, you should know the blue, shall be playing John Bastion. Yes, feel free to have a fun voice if you want. It's always fun to have a fun fantasy voice. Okay, something not like normal people,

but just like a fantastical like. Yeah, let me give you an example here. So I'm John King of the Badgers, shapeshifter, and I will be playing, hold on, let me get into it. Dan Smith, the temp. Oh. Oh! I don't know how long I can sustain this. Yeah, that's a hard voice to maintain.

Is it too loud? No, no, no, it's the right, it's the right. It's all I felt. Thank you. So, oh, I'm sorry, and I am not Arnie. I am an elf in this world, named Orlando Bloom. I am not from this world of offices and bosses. I still think you should have a more fantastical name,

like Elizabeth Pound. Oh, no. Orlando Bloom seems so weird. Yeah, well, I mean, I thought about Orlando Bloom. I also thought about giving myself the fantastical name of Hugo Weaving. Weaving what? Is that an occupation?

How about the fantastical name Benedict Cumberbatch? Oh, I like that. That sounds. That's actually great. That sounds great. You know, this actually might be a good time to go around and talk about what your character's personal goals are. Maybe some things they wish to achieve in the next six months.

No, absolutely, yes. I'll start off. So Dan Smith of the temp, he would like to gain as many abilities as he can. He would like to watch what each person in the office does and trying to accrue abilities from here and there, you know, so he can be a well-rounded employee. And I think ultimately at the day's end, his ultimate goal would be to receive on his birthday a card signed by everyone. Oh wow. It's ambitious. Yeah, and preferably, and there's no way

of him knowing this, preferably a card signed by everyone in the office where each person or employee signs it, they're not reading what the other people wrote. Oh, wow. Does that make sense? And perhaps turning it to different angles. So, yeah, there's a lot of angles like some fun little angles.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, Orlando really just wants to get back to his magical land. He's been trapped in this world of offices and bosses for about a year, nine months. And he just wants, he wants to help, he wants to help Johnson Bastion and Dan Bastion. On their quests in the office, but ultimately he has his own quest to get back home, to his own magical work. Look in the business dude to help you achieve that.

And what can you do to help the business achieve its goals? Oh, well, what? Oh, that's a good question. I feel like I practiced an answer to this, but now that I'm in this situation, I'm a little nervous, sorry. Yeah, I think that I bring a lot to the table of this quest. You know, like I am an outside of the box thinker

because I'm from another world. But then also this business probably has some portals somewhere back to my world. Perhaps. Perhaps, you know. Yeah. Normally just doing some real estate title insurance. So, it's real estate. So, this business is really mostly just real estate title insurance. So is real estate business is really mostly just real estate? Yeah, not many like portals other.

Well, sometimes it's commercial real estate, mostly large projects. Oh my gosh, that's so exciting. Title insurance. Okay, you know. Thanks for that. Okay. Now, Metaboy, I don't want to ruin the game anyway,

but I'm not exactly sure how to do my goals since I'm currently in the process of trying to get my job back since I was fired. Yeah, to catch you up, uh, seeing sword. John Bastion was fired, although it was under some mysterious circumstances. Ros Walters, who, uh, the COO, right, the COO regional, COO, fire John Bastion over, but it appears that perhaps she has an out for him and there was some chicaneery involved in his termination. Mm.

Yes, and I'm trying to speak to Aaron, excuse me. I'm trying to speak to Aaron so I can figure out what happened at the office because we got her the numbers for the fourth quarter. She fired me anyway. Yeah, yeah. Sounds like a real bitch. You get it.

All right, I wanna play. I'm Gail Davidson Durst and I want to stab Ross with a computer. No, okay. Okay, okay. Huh, okay. Well, let's see how that plays. No. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, let's see how that looks.

So you have to find bras. Usually as a boss, they usually are at the end of the mission. At the end of the day, we meet the boss. You know, we have to go through the beginnings first. You've been to a dungeon before. Mm-hmm. Yes. There's the little skeleton at the beginning,

the pondas flying. You just cut it up. Yeah. But at the end, you find the dragon or the one. Yes, and and just cut it up stuff. Yeah, but at the end, you find the dragon, or the one that you sing it to sleep. Yeah, perhaps, perhaps, yeah, you might sing it to sleep. I can't get into dungeons really. I mean, you know, oh, you can't get into them,

like you're not even allowed. Well, I can, but I have a breathing condition where I can add a mold, get really weasy, and whatnot. And if I don't have anything to inhale, churn to, you know. I know a breathing exercise that could help you. Really? Just like, oh, just try that. Oh, yeah.

Good. I'll work on it. Yeah. Singing sort of, I don't want to get too much comfort zone, really. Singing sort of, I don't want to get too distracted from the game, but I'm just curious, can we hear what song you would sing to a dragon to put it to sleep? Oh, yes. It depends on the dragon, but I might just look him in the eye and say, I'm so pit lizard, rust-nour-n birth blood of the dragons, coursing your veins in now. It would explain some of the dreams I've had,

but I don't even want to imagine. I'm just... I'm just metamorphosis. I'm a loser. You know what? What are some of the dreams that you've had? Well, yeah, they're mostly dreams, or... This is after a long night of reading scrolls.

Sure. It's a bit perfectly honest, yeah. Long night of having warm milk and whatnot. Perhaps I'll have a dream where I'm flying or perhaps a dream where I'm standing on a pile of gold or perhaps breathing fire or something. But I always think that this is just kind of projection. Just me projecting.

Yeah. This is why I wish my life was, you know, and instead, you know, I'm stable boy by day and office manager by night, you know. You know, the reason I sing a dragon to sleep is because a dragon cannot be stabbed. I could try cutting you. I mean, if you feel like maybe you're a real dragon. I don't, I don't, huh? What? No, I don't.

Okay, I won't do it unless you ask. Much, I don't know if I want to roll those dice, so to speak. Sure, I can. I don't know. Maybe on my finger or something, I don't know how is that. OK, well. OK, maybe after the game, well, just in case it's... Just draw a little blood. Or not. OK.

Or not. I guess it can be stabbed. No. I think that is that because of the scales? Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I just know I've tried, and it does not work. Yeah.

It is because of the scales. So you probably could get you probably could just stab him even if he's dragonborn and it would be like Technically if you could find a way to pull back the scales you could stab the dragon Yeah, it's very hard to get the scales. I don't have fingers Yeah, I actually made a long use or is lines. I made a little figure of Dan Smith here. He's he's made up of two dragon scales Oh, wow wait, where did you get dragon scales? You just find them around laying around but he's a he's just shed them. He's two scales. Yeah He's two scale two scales. He's two scales. Wow. I love that two scales figure. Yeah, thank you so much I don't know if you want to regurgitate yours, but yeah sure

Thank you so much. I don't know if you want to regurgitate yours, but yeah. Sure. You're the only one. No. Oh, yeah. Where's the Fedora? Oh. There it is.

Fully formed. That's all it takes to produce a Fedora just, but that's right. I should also mention that I want to get my free spell up to level three. There it is. Okay. Yeah. Yes. Give my job back.

Get back. Free spell to level three. That's right. You have a free spell Yes, of course, but you're a marketing manager Well, I think we should do for ready to yeah, let's do it. I've in yeah, yeah Perhaps we all find ourselves at a local eatery Panera bread Panera is a very pleasant eating establishment and perhaps you all can be there together. And across in the room, you see Aaron, Redhead Aaron, sitting by herself, but on the other side of the room,

Dan Smith, actually, if you wanna roll your, here we go. 14. Very good. You recognize someone again, as a temp, you have worked for everybody, every business in town, you know everyone, you recognize the friend of Aaron, the department of labor case worker,

sitting at a different table. Oh. Do I recall their name? Yes. Her name is Diane. Diane, okay. Well, I would like, and this is the labor case work that was working with John Bastion.

Well, we haven't met, we haven't, did John Bastion has not met the, DOL case worker yet. I'm supposed to go meet Aaron, Aaron is friends with the case worker. That's right, that's right, okay. Well, I'd like to go, if possible, go speak to the case worker. Sure, that's very possible.

Hello, can I help you? Diane, right? Yeah. I think I've worked with you before. My name's Dan Smith. You were the Smith You're the Tim right yeah, absolutely. We had a lot of small talk remember. Yeah, you're very good Oh, thank you so much. Yeah, try try and that's where my prowess lies Was very nice to see you again. You know, I have a friend of mine his name's John Bastion I think he was actually wanting to speak to you. Oh really? But are you on your own lunch break or? Well, I kind of am and lunch break. I feel

want to roll a die there for kind of seven. Seven. I'm on my lunch break. I'm on my lunch break. Okay, I got a break. So I'm gonna try and just because I feel like this maybe isn't going as good, but I feel like I've laid the groundwork. I'd like to disengage Diane in a friendly manner that maybe still opens the road for John Bastion. And I'd like to go to the front counter of that you said of the restaurant. And I'd like to order maybe like half a sandwich and half a bowl of soup, is that possible?

I don't see why not. You did a good idea. I don't order a whole sandwich, I could cut it. I could just, if you only give you a whole one. What devilry is this? Where would the other half of the sandwich go? Or the other half of the soup I just trying to have fun I don't know if that's possible. I just like this. What if you take the sandwich bread and put the soup in the bread?

So it'd be some sort of bread bowl. Yeah, that's insane. That's madness Where would the rest of the sandwich filling go and how would you would you soak up the soup? The bowl would soak up all the soup. They just have soup bread. Do it. Do it. Fine, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna roll. I'm gonna try and order a bowl of bread with soup in it. Here we go. Natural 20. Wow, wow. They say, wow, we're gonna do it for you. It's a wonderful idea. And if this catches on, if you want to write down your contact information here, okay, well, they but after you Oh, man, the Dan Smith bowl and if this catches on we will get royalties, you know It could be worth it. I don't want royalties. That's see that's bringing me back to Foon where I'm the king of the badgers I'd prefer not to have royalties sure. Okay, okay

Give whatever money I would have made and give it to I don't know like a charity Give whatever money I would have made and give it to I don't know like charity Sure, do you know someone named charity? Give it to her. Yeah, give it to her. Yeah, all that money to her. Yeah, she's got six children and Yeah, yeah, and is in need. Yeah, she is in here. Yeah, all right. So that's I'm gonna go ahead and consume my breadball and I don't know who's up next I don't know my who I see Aaron and I wave at her nascar to come over to the table and join all three of us. Sure, we'll roll for Aaron here. I need to roll your friendly persuasion there, John Bastion.

That's an 11, but I have a plus for the remnants of my fedora, which was destroyed. Which was destroyed. Have we rebuilt your fedora? Or is this a new... It's sort of taped together. I had an elixir of elmers that I used to... Well, okay, I do, yeah, you don't care if you do have... You should just call our fedora just to remind yourself it's a plus four.

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Okay, well, you she sees that and puts all her items back onto her tray and carries it over to the table. Oh, John Baston, it's nice to see you. I was you! I thought we would have lunch just with the two of us. Oh, hi, Erin. Yeah, do you know my friends? This is Orlando. That's a funny name. It is a funny name. I tell her that I'm an elf from another world. Okay. And Emily.

She does not know. My name is Gail and my Gail David's and her, I'm just like an Emily and I. I am so hungry for fries right now. I don't, whatever you were doing vocally, just made me like, I'm like, I want fries, you know? You should like, order some fries and put soup in it. That's a wonderful character voice.

You can go. Thank you so much. What's nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet another lady too. Says Aaron. You too. And I am a lady. And you're a lady.

Says Gale. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. Thank you. So, Aaron, you thought maybe... You got fired. Yeah.

You thought that would happen. Oh well, I was trying to get the numbers to Roz hmm fucking Roz right just want to stab her yeah a kill really wants to stab her I'd really rather get down to why I got fired when we got the numbers together and she then refused to pay attention to what I had done for her well I don't know if you have heard, but apparently she doesn't like you. I had heard that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And the rumor is that she has the actual numbers hidden in her office. I don't mean to interrupt, but does Diane know if there are any magical portals hidden in that office?

To another world. This is Aaron. My friend Diane. Oh, who works for the Department of Labor? hidden in that office? To another world. This is Aaron. My friend, Diane. Oh! Who works for the Department of Labor? I'm sorry. I'm from another world. I'm real bad at names. All of your office names seem really similar. I understand.

Um, a magical portal. Yeah. Just, well, no magical portal. Oh, okay. Well, what do you need to roll for there to be one? Well, if she knows if they are there. Oh, I see. She's on that high up in the office. Okay, I argue. Yeah, so I gotta get to the for there to be one? Well, if she knows if they are there. Oh, I see. She's on that high up in the office.

Okay, I argue. Yeah, so I gotta get to the boss. I gotta do a boss with no if there's a portal. Good to know as a portal, Rosh would know. Good to know. Yeah, yeah. But anyway, Orlando, sorry, John Sebastian.

Bastion. We are trying to figure out, you know, if there's a way I could talk to your friend, I and she could like She's actually right over eating right over sitting right over there on dance over there But I just thought we would have lunch. I don't know oh Well, I'd love to have lunch just the two of us sometime okay Orlando maybe we should go yeah, maybe we should go. Yeah, maybe we should. I'm gonna roll for slowly back away so that they're alone.

Seven? Okay, you kick your chair over. Sorry. All right. All right. All right. Sorry about them. Yeah, he's awkward.

I'm gonna say I have to go to the bathroom. Okay. I have to roll for that or. Actually, go ahead and roll. Let's see how convincingly you have to go to the bathroom. You could actually roll for that or? Um, actually go ahead and roll. Let's see how convincingly you have to go to the bathroom. She... 16. She believes you. She really doesn't think it's like a thing.

Oh, okay. Thank you. Like after the bathroom. Seeing sword, have you ever, to swords go to the bathroom? No, but I've seen Jack do it. Oh, wow. You seem so excited. I am right by where you show. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. You've got a real close-up view of it. Oh wow. You seem so excited. I am right by where you are. Oh sure. Yeah, yeah, you're you've got a real close-up view of it. Oh yes. Is it exciting for you to be in a world where you yourself can go to the bathroom?

It is. I'm enjoying myself immensely. No great. Although I don't know if you're that was just a story that Gail was telling. I don't know if Gail really had to go to the bathroom or not. I think Gail, let me, I feel like I can really get in character and she a little bit had to go to the bathroom for real But yeah, but maybe was just trying to support her friend John Sebastian Very good, but then she was like, all right, I'm just gonna go in and like tinkle a little out Yeah, okay. I'm really just powdering my nose No, and Gail, if you happen to want to sing a song about going to the bathroom, do you want that? In character?

If you want. Oh, yes, please. Um, look out there. It's a toilet. I want to be riding it. Blush the toilet and the pig goes down. I know what it's like to pee. That seems like that would be popular music. Oh, absolutely.

Oh yeah. That's a lot to say. Is there a way to shorten that? Euler. Oh yeah, it would definitely be Euler music. Well, Aaron tells you, there's going to be a Christmas party coming up and there's going to be a Yankee gift exchange. So I don't know.

Who is that where people bring gifts and you try and Yankee of their hands? Yeah, exactly. Wow. Yeah. Whoever has the best gift and, uh, I don't know if you're allowed to go. I mean, you work there for most of the year, but if you can find a way to get there, that's probably gonna be your best way to get back into the office. Well, I think the best way to get there would be to go a short date. Oh, and I can take you to dinner date. Oh, and I continued it dinner beforehand.

Oh, nailed it. Did I back far enough away that I can still hear, can I kind of go like, oh, from where I am? Oh, but I cut your ears off, didn't I? Oh, that's right. Yeah, you are unaware of most of the conversation we've had. Boy, okay, yeah. I gotta rethink every action I've made so far.

Well, did you want to talk to a friend Diane? I mean, yes, I would, I would, if she can help out with this whole situation about me possibly being wrongly fired, I'd appreciate help, but I'm happy just to talk to you. And I also, I don't know if I had done this already, I forget, but if I haven't already, I give you your ears back and so the mechaon so you can be a part of the conversation. Oh, okay, do the, will they, will I still be able to hear out of it? Let's go and get a role here Okay, 18 they do yes, okay successfully soon as yours on and you can hear again perfect Gosh before you add ears you are really above an oven totally above an oven

Looking at people's lips move. Yeah Suddenly as as you are there lips move. Yeah. Suddenly, as you are there, a large group come in, a large group of men who come into the panorah, and they're having some kind of big, loud business kind of lunch, and they all come in to the panorah. And as they walk in, they knock into Diane

and spill her drink into her lap. Is the drink hot? Yes, it was quite hot. Oh, quite hot. Rolled in 19, it was very hot. She was scalded in her lap and is very upset and the large gubamand is again laughing at her. Oh boy.

I would like to, I see this from where I'm sitting in my bread bowls, still sounds insane to say. And I would like to try I see this from where I'm sitting in my bread bowls, it's still saying to say, and I would like to try and go up to whatever the lead male in the pack is, maybe shove him in the chest and say, what's your damage, bra? Okay, I'm gonna roll for that. Okay, that's a two, two. Okay, as you walk up, you do make contact with them,

but he grabs your hands. Oh boy. It says, whoa, they're cowboy. I need those. You got a problem? Okay. And I would like to walk up and stab them with my grilled chicken salad. Okay, go ahead and roll that 20-sided die there.

20. 20. 20. Yes, you throw your chicken salad in the first guy's chest. Yeah. It's just rip open as hard as flies out. And as she lands in Dance Miss Mouth. His hands are free.

Yes. That was an amazing roll. Am I still an immature cow? A young cow? Am I still a young cow? Or am I back to being a human? Okay, you said I was a cowboy. Oh, that's just an expression.

The guy said I was a cowboy. Okay, yeah. But the guy was like a bra. Like a brazier? Oh, no, he was just, that's just, those are just some of the words we use. Oh, yeah. Okay, but the guy was like a bra. Like a brazier? Oh, no, he was just, that's just, those are just some of the words we use. This is some of the fun words in this world. All right.

I walk up and I cast a free spell into Diane's lap. Okay, roll the dial there for that. Let's get her 14. Okay, the hot liquid cools sufficiently, but she does get a little rachy. Oh, wow, I tried it. To be expected. Yeah. She says, thank you, but I am, I, ow, I got a little freezer burn.

Oh, well, I feel you. But I'm glad the coffee's not hot anymore. Have we met? Uh, no, no, I'm John. Oh, thank you, John. It's always nice to have a freeze spell handy. Yeah. I'm a friend of errands.

Oh, I think she mentioned that you were possibly terminated unlawfully. Yeah. I'd love to talk about this, but I have to help my friends defeat these bullies. Yeah, I'm gonna see, your turn's over. Orlando, did you have something to do? Well, okay, so the one guy had the chicken sandwich heart attack. Yeah. But what is...

There's four other guys. Yeah. I get my sword out and I just start killing. Sure, sure, I'm gonna roll a die there. How many of you have attacked? Do you have a return? I have two. Okay.

Okay. Maybe you try to stand behind each other. Oh, that's a good idea. Can I try to angle, like try to get them to stand behind each other? Yeah, can I take a turn? Can I take a turn to not attack with my idea. Can I try to angle like try to get them to stand behind each other? Yeah, I can take a turn to kill four guys. Can I take a turn to not attack with my sword but to try to ask them to stand in order? You can I wouldn't you know, I mean what do I tell them line up? I'll fight you one at a time and then stab off for yeah, okay sure

Okay, three of them line up. Okay one of them is busy looking at the menu. Sure, that misses. Yeah, which is probably annoying for me. I'm like, no, he's not listening. Roll for your one attack there. Okay. Eight. Eight, okay, you do ding the first one,

but it does not go through in penetrating. Get the other two. No penetration. The first, so my sword did not get in as deep as that chicken sandwich. That's correct. That's the worst. The first, so my sword did not get in as deep as that chicken sandwich. That's correct. That's correct. The first guy reaches into his pocket

and pulls out a mechanical pencil and throws it at gale. After chicken sandwich, things happen. Backing mechanical pencils. And it does hit and you get a three points of damage and mechanical pencil jabbed into your shoulder. No. The second one, of course, sees this as well,

pulls out his cell phone and shoots lightning at Dan Smith. Oh, boy. You wanna roll your diverses natural disaster. Okay, that's a 10. Okay, you're gonna take 12 points of cell phone lightning damage. That goes right to your brain too. Oh, I know. I've been switched. I've been swiss-cheesed. The third guy sees John Bastion and attempts to sling his briefcase

at him. And misses. You're able to duck just in time, and the briefcase misses. Aaron sees this and begins doing a little golf clap. That's you so happy that you're here. Yeah. All right, you're up. You're your turn, you're attack. Are they still standing in a line? Two of them are. The one is still in a line. I'm going to take one of my turns to ask the other guy

to please line up behind. OK. Like, hey, hey, we're in the middle of something here. Can you please not look at the menu? Could you get in line? Go ahead and roll. OK. in line? Come on, roll. Okay. Yeah.

Uh, uh, 12. Okay, he does. He's standing there. Okay. What's going on, dude? Uh, all right. And what up, dude? And then for my attack, I try to stab him all.

Okay. And I get a, uh, 10, slightly higher than last time. Okay, well, you do, you kill the first, uh, uh, rowdy boy, but in the second one we'll take a half damage as well. Okay, the third one is okay. I wanna try to pull the mechanical pins a lot of my shoulder. Sure, okay, you can do that, yeah.

Okay, great, so. Is that it? You can do it with something else if you like. Yeah, and then I wanna run away. Can I leave? Can I leave the pen or a red? Yeah, you can't, you can't leave. Shine on. Gale, are you, I feel like. It seems like you're at a pretty good turn last time Can I leave? Can I leave the panorapp red? Yeah, you can't, you can't leave. Should I not? Um, Gail, are you, I feel like...

It seems like you're at a pretty good churn last time when you are through the salad at someone, so... Oh yeah. Can I say that? Am I the one attacking again? Are you okay singing, sort? Yeah, I just got stabbed with the mechanical pencil, so I'm trying to be in character. That's not okay. How does it feel to be stabbed for the first time ever? I know. Like you've never been hurt, and I'm just making sure you're doing okay with your character being hurt.

I feel like like weak and pathetic and like full of sorrow and like outch outchi. Yeah, outch outchi. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, this feels good. I feel like I have a lot more empathy. Sure, I'm talking is the saying so or now and Gale doesn't have empathy but I do like I have a lot more empathy. Sure, I'm talking as the saying so now and Gale doesn't have empathy, but I do. I've never thought about what it must feel like to be stabbed. Sure, hmm. It feels bad. Yeah, it's a dull, it's just a pencil. Re-hit points, you know, yeah.

Imagine what it must be like to be stabbed. Yeah, sometimes. Pinnitated by a sword. Yeah, I've definitely been stabbed and it is not pleasant. Sometimes we have to go to another world Through roleplay to really understand what it's like to live in this world God, that's really deep like my stabs usually are. Yeah, yeah

Hey, you know what we should actually let's take a quick break I'm gonna go grab into a mission called chain forest and grab something out of my car that's hidden there And you guys can get drinks and we'll be right back I'm gonna go grab into a mission called Chain Force and grab something out of my car that's hidden there. And you guys can get drinks, and we'll be right back. Tired of the same old, home-drum-taboured experience. Tired of the bland, vermillion-minitar menu? Buies, potatoes, more like potate nose. We're the McLeroy brothers,

inviting you to complete your dorky games or whatever down at this smoldering widow. The rooster feed a complimentary, and you can throw your boon right on the floor. Don't forget to stop in every third day of the week for our impotering competitions. All imps are by one, get one free, and as always, find a toe in your drink, and the next round is on us. Anything goes here at the smoldering widow. But please, no bards. And please refrain from bothering our aged father. He is sick and needs his rest.

Hey, what are you guys doing? Record a commercial? Can I be in it? No, old man, you get back downstairs and finish those dishes. And then start on the bathrooms. So come on down to the smoldering... Stupid, stupid, stupid. Oh man, I swear to food, those little trees better be clean enough to eat off of.

The smoldering widow, eating here is all the adventure you'll ever need. The smoldering widow is at the end of the Corkin Lane. You see two gray horses you've gone too far for each other. The top offer void if it is your own tub. Alright, sorry, thanks guys. I needed to go to my camera. I know, so John Sebastian has his cool little figure in and you have your two scales thing.

I actually remembered that in my car, I have a Orlando Bloom figurine from my world. This is exactly what? That figurine is very handsome. It's a very handsome figure. It's appears much larger than ours. It's six inches tall. Yeah, it's more, it's not, yeah.

I mean, action seems more like a doll. I mean, first of all, it's not a doll. It's an action figure. It's a collectible. It's a collectible figure. Well, what isn't collectible? Yes, you can just keep anything. Very true. More than one of us, you're basically collecting. I actually do do have more than one of these are you afraid to say that you own a doll? Is that? No, I'm not afraid to say that I don't do it. Do you break did you braid its hair like that?

Well look it. Yes, I do. It looks nice. Well first I I First it seemed a little too long so I cut a little bit of it and then I realized that it looked a little off-bounce And then I realized that it looked a little off-bouncy, then I did braid it. But I think I did a pretty good job. I think it looks pretty good. So how many Orlando Blooms do you own? I own five Orlando Bloom action figures. But they're in different costumes

and they're from different movies that he's in. It would take a long time to explain all of it. Okay, then let's not. Well, I cut a little gale Davidson dursed into the wood. If you guys wanna gather around in the middle, I think she has big shoulder pads, and some sort of a blazer. Yeah, you know, all this time we've been at this table,

I've never thought to carve something into it. Could I borrow you real quick, some sort of, I don't wanna grab you too, personally, but, oh, all right. And I'm just gonna point you downward, and I'm just gonna carve into the table here See plus a I'm gonna put a heart around it. Thank you so much

Is that C plus a what is this stand for the C plus a with a heart around it? Yeah stands for challenge plus adventure Oh, thank you Chanto. Propheo. Oh, okay. Thank you, Seagun Sword. All right, so what else is she wearing? Heel? Oh, I think she has some sort of leggings or checkings. Maybe they look like jeans, but they feel like stretchy pants. Oh wow. And high platform heeled shoes with leopard, leopard skin on them. Whoa, wow, the skin of a leopard. Yes. Fantastico.

Yes. She's a real working gal. Yeah, seems like it. Now we're in the middle of a melee here. Yes, yes. There were some rowdy office guys having their meeting or something and they got in trouble with you guys and you've been fighting them and we killed two of them right?

Two of them have been killed and Diane had some coffee spilled on her which was immediately frozen successfully and I believe it was your you were in a plunger you had a bit of a personal crisis moment about do you want to keep killing people? Well I changed my name I want to run away but I also don't want to keep killing people? Well, I changed my name. I want to run away. Okay. I also don't want to kill them. Can I, I want to seduce one of them? Can I seduce one?

Oh, yeah. Now you are an IT person. Yeah. So that's not, doesn't give you a lot of seduction credits or points, but it's still worth a try. Yeah, I mean, if we can turn this male A into a male A. Yeah. That would be pretty cool. Okay. Then, yeah, I'm willing to try. Okay, then yeah, I'm willing to try. Okay, go ahead and roll a dying there. Right.

Oh, it's a two. It's a two. Okay. You go up to the minute, like, hey, I don't know. I just, ugh, what are you? What are you supposed to be? I'm, I'm Gail Davidson Durst IT.

Okay, what does that mean? It means I team you up with me. That's really stupid. Oh my God, I'm eating. I'm eating. Oh no, I'm eating. I just went to the bathroom. I'm gambled. Is it liquid hot?

Is it hot? Is there any other freeze spell? It's like my share. She has hot liquid on her. I only get one freeze spell every four hours so humiliating yeah you just look without a yarn okay why did I wear leggings all right who's next I believe that's me yeah yeah so while they're distracted I'm going to hit them in the crux of their neck with my messenger bag and hope that it severs their spine.

Sure, go ahead and roll. From that one. 17. 17. We'll do it. You hit one of them on the knee by the neck and it does, let me see, how much damage does that messenger bag do? That's a plus three. That's three messenger bag.

Well, that'll finish them off. That'll certainly knock them out there. That's three messenger bag. Well, that'll finish him off. That'll certainly knock him out there. That's good. Damn, Arnie, so far a chicken salad sandwich and a messenger bag have been more effective than your sword. I mean, I killed one. Well, there's one left. That's three down or one to go.

I don't know who it is. You're turn over. Yeah. So what I'm going to do, this is a little unorthodox. What I like to do is because my brain has been all scrambies due to this 12 self-land damage, what I like to do is since I'm on my lunch scrambies due to this 12 self-land damage, what I like to do is since I'm on my lunch break, I'm going to call into work, call into the office, because there should be somebody there even on their lunch break, because you

mentioned they're staggered. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to call into the workplace and see if someone there can answer the call. And I'm going to try and feign a sickness in my voice to see if I can go ahead and leave early. Because that is something I can do once per game is I can go home early. Do you have a Bluetooth device? Or yes, I believe I do, so I'll go ahead and use that. Sure.

And I just want to try and roll to see how convincing the sickness in my voice is. Sure. And that's a five. Five, okay. They're not buying it. They say you may have to use a PTO day. Okay. Not quite sure how many you have left. And it is already lunchtime. Can I try it in real time? Can I try and, um, oh, sure, sure. That's what I'm, yep. I just don't, I don't, I don't feel so good. Um, I think I think I'd better head home. It's just Dan. Yeah, this is Dan Smith

I'm just not feeling I thought this would go to voice. What was it voice? Voice mail. I thought this would go to voice mail, but I think I need to go Okay, don't Dan typically um you should call your 10th agency and then they inform us. Oh, yes, of course I've called them yet. Not yet. I'm so sorry. I so sick. I can tell you it's also a Friday. Oh is it? I didn't even get a time card. My brain's old. My brain's gram. Do you still feel sick? I feel pretty sick. It's hard to talk. Oh Dan, if you would like to have the rest of the day off. Great thank you so much. And then I hang up. Okay now since you did use a if you do get another action. Oh great, oh that's awesome.

Yeah, for my next action, I'm going to try and see if you say there's one more left. Okay, so what I'm going to try and do is without even sort of physically costing him, I'm just going to try and pluck out both his eyes. Sure, okay, just try to snap that bra's eyes. Yeah, come on. See, really good dive there. And that is a, it's a 13. 13.

Well, you do get your hands on his face and while you cannot remove the eyes, he is at a bit of a disadvantage for anyone else who wants to do this. Oh, great, sure. Yeah, so I'm not gonna do that. Yeah, for their moment here. I really wanted to add those eyes to my bag.

Yeah, I think it's Arnie's turn. Okay, so it's my traits Orlando's turn. You know what? I think Orlando is going to, I've been very, a decent job of convincing these, these bras to do stuff. I'm going to ask this guy to sort of push his head forward so that, so that dance miss fingers penetrate his eye sockets and get those eyes. You know, everyone is really joined the party and had a character voice.

I don't know if he's heard in character voice. Oh, okay. What does Orlando Bloom sound like? What does Orlando? Yeah, he's whatever voice he uses. Yeah, okay. Sir, please, push your head forward so that my friend Dan Smith's fingers can pluck your eyeballs out. And whenever you're ready, just pop into a voice.

All right. Wow, that was, he does. Wow, yes. He did. Yes, team of mine. Maybe we're just two more eyes for your collection. Yes. How many are up to now? I should probably be keeping tally. I had 36 eyes. I believe two of them were Diane's eyes. I fucked out the blue ones but I put those on a table for a tip

right because the service was pretty bad so I think I'm I was down to 34 I have two more I think I'm back up to 36. I believe. Yeah I believe. Well business is usual back at panoron everyone's back to eating their things and some staff come out to clean up the the bodies and things. The manager approaches you and says, oh man, thanks. Hey, thanks guys. You guys want lunches on the house, or I don't know what you guys ordered, but... Oh, thank you, that's very nice. Well, if you want to hand me your cards, I'll charge you back to your cards, you know,

whatever. I do have some items to give you. We can't accept any payment. We're just office workers doing our job Well, this is just a day of labor. Can I roll to have actually ordered more food? It sucks when you get a free meal. You're like, I barely and I did just I threw my chicken salad at that Yeah, well, well, you know, don't get your new chicken salad. That was pretty amazing. That doesn't happen every day Wow chicken salad usually bounces off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just trying to be like an everyday person. Maybe one point of damage, maybe. Maybe. Not a kill shot like that. That was quite amazing. As well, I do have this green apron of protection. Oh. You guys can use a tag of many names. They come in handy as well as a loyalty card.

Ooh. It went from Panerun. You can show it to somebody in there. Oh, you must be loyal as well as for you, for the chicken salad lady, a magical container of To Go. Ooh. And this To Go container can, you can put things in it and they will stay warm and fresh wherever you take this to go container. This is so useful I'm gonna be able to use this a lot more on

the quest. Yeah. How many things can that container hold? Well you can hold about a chicken salad size. They come in dizziness smaller. There's two sizes of money. There's a small one, a larger one, depending on what you had. Yeah. Yeah. Since I belong to the mystical order of marketing managers, I think I should take the loyalty card. Great.

Arnie wants you to take the green apron of protection? Sure. Yeah, yeah. Although, you know, I'm pretty stealthy. I don't know. I'm probably the least weak character in the game, right? Like do I need protection? Yeah, okay. All right. I've Missestimated how strong I am in the past fair enough. All right, and who wanted the tag of many names?

That I'll take that. Yeah, absolutely. That would be great for you. I need to go in disguise. Oh, you know, hmm That'll definitely come in handy. That was fantastic. Well that's what I had for today. For our adventuring everybody, well done. Thank you, Metaborm. Thank you, Lumeye. That was so fun.

Yeah. Kimply by heat, soup out of a bowl of bread. Yeah, that was amazing. That's so cool. I got stabbed. Yeah, that's awesome. It was also in terrific, yes, wonderful. You got stabbed. Needs also. Terrific, yes, wonderful.

Yeah, maybe, you know, Chuchu Shao can do some. Oh my gosh, I didn't think about that. It's such a fantastical idea. Maybe Chuchu Shao should sell bread bowls. Is Chuchu Shao still open? Mm-hmm. I just don't talk about it, son. You guys should have to go containers. Ooh, to go to containers. Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, to go. Yes, I like that idea. You'd have to build crates and carts strong enough to get them through the haunted swamp, but yes. Sure, yeah. Makes sense. Well, singing sword, are you still gonna be able to stab

and kill people now that you've had your perspective, broadened? Oh, sure, that's who I am. And that's my mission and my purpose on life. I mean, I may also do different knife type things, like open letters. Oh, I could. What a broadened sword.

Gosh, I could cut sandwiches in half. Maybe I'll use it on this chicken salad. Yeah. With this imaginary chicken salad. Yeah. But yes, my core purpose in life is to brutally murder and stab. Sure. Yeah Like almost last time you brutally murdered and cut somebody

Today, oh so today you've killed people. Yeah, you mean when today. Yes, right before I came oh right before the we were playing There was a guy right outside the davern. He was just Kind of be a dick and and I just, you know. Candle wizard? Yes! Why, you killed Candle wizard? Yes, yes, yes. Oh, this is the best day of gaming ever.

I left him bleeding in the morning. All right, well, he's old, I'm sure he's dead. So that's why, yeah, I guess the light is low in here. I didn't realize you've had, you have like a lot of blood I yeah, it's sparkles like Ruby's but it's blood. Yeah I have a polish over yes so thought Character choice like you know make up or something

No, that's blood lipstick or something Rise I'm gonna fuck rise up. No, it was just the Wizard Ice Day. I wish I had one of those things. What do you call them? Where you can capture a moment forever. Memory. No, it's a thing. It's like the device.

Oh, a camera? A camera. I wish I had one of those cameras, because I just went on, you know, like, Candid. I just want to, with that camera, I just want to show Candid. You want a candid photo?

Isn't my job to take your puns in just in case any person in the world doesn't get hit? I have to. Just in case, that's a good name. Just you go by just in case. Yeah. You have spent almost an hour listening to humans pretend to be fantastical creatures pretending to be humans. How's that bucket list going? No, no, I'm sure you'll climb Kilimanjaro later in your 70s. That's when most people pull it off. Use it all the blue, aka John Bastion was played by Matt Young. Shunt the King of the Badgers, aka Dan Smith was played by Adel

Raffa. Methamore the office manager was played by Bill Arnet. To learn more about taking classes from Bill or about his new improv book, go to ChicagoImprovStudio.com. Food for Thought is this series helping Bill process his very real anger at his current job, or galvanizing it. No, on that. The singing sword was played by special guest Erika Elum, who will be performing in the completely improvised hip-hop musical Shammelton at the Apollo Theater in Chicago, every Friday night through March 31st. Come for the parody, stay for Erika refusing to be edited as she slowly loses the good will of the group.

The McElroy brothers who run the smoldering widow were played by the actual McElroy brothers, Justin Griffin in Travis, hosts of the podcast My Brother, My Brother, and me. The old man was played by their father, Clint McElroy, who joins them in their podcast The Adventure Zone, a D&D fantasy adventure podcast that I'm sure you already know about because God forbid you go outside. Offices and bosses is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Ryan DeGeorgie, and Evan Jacover. This episode edited by Chris Rathchin, production assistance by Garrett Schultz, music by Andy Poland, and logo by Alid Laban. Follow the show on Twitter at MagicTavr. The next word in your

secret phrase, really. Take care! You