Hello From The Magic Tavern - Offices and Bosses S1E6: Teachers and Classrooms

Episode Date: July 8, 2019

Metamore has an expansion pack for the game. And Flower is back to play.CreditsArnie, aka Raphael the Adult Ninja Turtle: Arnie NiekampChunt, aka Dan Smith: Adal RifaiUsidore, aka John Bastion: Matt YoungMetamore: Bill ArnettFlower, aka Gail Davidson: Brooke BreitMysterious Man: Tim SniffenHigh Time Queen: Brooke BreitProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzSpecial Thanks: Maximum Fun and Jesse ThornYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. Can I confess something to you? I've really got my two extra fingers crossed that this temp gig will go permanent.

I could use the scratch man. I mean, I got debts. And I need star crystals to pay off said debts. Honestly, I think I've been doing a bang up job and it seems like there isn't anyone around here to stop me. Go figure! Let's do a quick sprint through the calendar of fun upcoming Magic Tavern things. Season 3 of Hello from the Magic Tavern officially begins July 22nd, just two weeks from now. It's gonna be big, so make sure you're subscribed to the podcast podcast and if you know people that don't hate you

first of all congratulations and also spread the word less than two weeks after that on Friday August 2nd you and 20 of your closest friends can get dressed up as unicorns or something and go see not one but two live magic tavern shows in Indianapolis. Both shows will be completely different and both will be a good time. Go to hellofromthemagictavern.com and click the live shows tab to get tickets. And remember how we keep teasing all of this Stitcher Premium bonus content?

Well, it's time to get excited and subscribe to Stitcher Premium because that content is going to be coming up just a couple of weeks after the premiere. So remember, July 22nd, Season 3 starts. August 2nd, live shows in Indianapolis. Bonus content, very soon. Get your calendar in order. Now hold on to your pants so they don't just fly right off your butts because this is the final episode of the first season of offices and bosses. It is a very special episode, not like Tom Hanks is the uncle with the drinking problem on family ties type of special, but special like where your friends play the new high school themed offices and

bosses expansion module. Wow, we did it! That's a hiatus rap! See you in two weeks! Attention, people of Earth, be warned. The following bonus episode is not real. It does not prove that there are worlds beyond our own. It is, however, being recorded live at Chicago's Tally a Whole, as part of MaximumFun.org's very, very fun day festival. This is, apparently, some of the local content. And remember, whatever sounds of puzzled partial enjoyment you make now will later be replaced

with cheers and cries of pleasure. Enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. If you've never heard the podcast before, it's okay. It doesn't really matter. To be honest, I'm going to explain the premise regardless. About a year and 10 months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of

Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from that Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast. I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, where we are now, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon. And I'm very excited, as always, well, normally I'm joined by my co-host, the wizard, Yusador, and my other co-host, the shapeshifters, who's always a badger, a chunt. I'm not sure where they are but I keep hearing

a noise from this wall so I'm just going to check it out. Oh yeah baby. But guys I didn't know there's a secret wall in the Vermilion Minotaur. Of course there are many secrets here in the Vermilion Minotaur that you don't understand. yeah that's called the use of secret door the what's that now use a secret door it's used or secret door and i use it anytime uh a lot times the spin-tax comes into the bar use or wants to slip away so you just made a false wall oh wow so what what's there? A whole other room full of tables. Oh, really?

An entire parallel tavern. Yeah, there's wet mothers back there on spice potatoes. Everything you could ever want. Rooster heads. Wow. Well, guys, I'm sorry. I didn't introduce you. You said, or you are a wizard. That's right.

And I'm Chant the Shape Shifter. and that's the shortest our introductions have ever been. That's true. You started, you don't want to, like, what? Yeah. I want to, like, do a little... It's not as fun when you want it. Well then, don't do it. I am, you should all, uh, Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow,

many be later of magical lights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarakas, the Eros Nubius being Yaluk, the Dwarves Nubius, Dunedin who extinguished, and I am known in the North East as gasmadius Mesa, shut up. And then maybe other secret names you do not know yet, names so powerful that if you even see them writ upon the page, the very lines of that ink would take form, turn into a tiny little man with a tiny sword,

and stab you in the nostrils until you were very tired. So don't use that name. The name. The name. Guys, we've been playing this game recently in the tavern. There's a role playing game, which it's very specific to fun. Yes. Yes.

In this world, we play this game so we can escape the drudgery of magic and wonder and spend a full day appearing at work at 9 a.m. Sitting at a desk, touching the keys of a keen! And creating reports of such wonder and majesty that an entire quarter can be summed up in them. Sometimes I have dreams where I'm entering data. Ooh! Data. If only we'd really enter data here on Foon. I've read some slash fiction about that, but... I've read some slash fiction about that, but... You know what? I was thinking, let's play a game of offices and bosses. Mundo, the Grundo, will professional, sales rep, and temp.

I am office manager, your guide in the realm of offices and bosses. So, we have been playing this role-playing game that you play in this fantasy world, so we have been playing this role playing game that you play in this fantasy world offices and bosses led by a metamorphary or the office manager uh... yes uh... office manager uh... charge of things look at this fantastic outfit pretty crazy

yeah you're not your trust different than usual metamorphic well this is um... i was thinking, I recently bought an expansion to the office and boss's game called Classrooms and Teachers. Oh, wonderful. So I'm actually dressed as a principal that you might find who's in charge of one of these schools. Oh, wow.

Yeah, yeah. And I thought we could place some of that. Yeah. Yeah. I brought some student guides. If you're going to pass these around. First, first, what is that magnificent piece of cloth that is hanging from my neck? Oh, this is a neck tie. Oh, is that so that someone can murder you with it by pulling it tightly later? Oh, well. They could if it wasn't a clip on. So if it was someone were to grab it, it would quickly release. And I could then make a fast getaway.

It's a sort of reverse trap for your would be murderer. There seems to be some sort of seal on this guide. Could I go ahead and break that with a fight? Go and break the seal with your pencil, all right? I think you can only break the sea with a kiss from a rose. Oh, and I'm so sorry for giving me. I didn't introduce. We're all so joint. You can go fuck yourself.

That's a good point you can. We're all, I can and I have. I join by a buyer friend flower, the frequently quite angry talking flower. I'm tonight. I'm dealing with the left of a remnants of a cold So I had a little post nasal drip so Sorry Where where is your nasal It's like think about photosynthesis but like slower. Oh

It's like think about photosynthesis but like slower. Oh. So like where the... It's just like all... Carbon to that dioxide? Yeah, I said post nasal drip in the same way that I'd be like, boom traffic, you know, I just trying to relate. You're just saying earth words. Yeah, I didn't go to school so this is pretty exciting for me.

Yeah, yeah, and it's probably maybe similar to your studies at the Great Hall of Tarakas, and except it's probably not nearly as cool. You don't actually sleep at these schools. You go home at the end of the day. What? Yeah. You wake up in the morning and go there really early. Your parents drag you to the car and you go,

I'm already out. That sucks. Well, maybe we can do a later school day. Okay, that's a school hours to maybe, and you can have some extracurricular activities. Everyone. But if you look here, there you can see there's some classes you can be, you can be a jock or a nerd or a preppy.

I'm gonna be a burnout. Burnout? Yeah. Yeah. That's right. That's nice. I'll be straight edge. That's great.

Yeah. I'm gonna be like the new girl that moved into town that has like an era mystery about her, and her birth's like, she gonna be cool. Spoiler alert, I'm cool as fuck. Are you like the new girl that a lot of the kids are like, oh, I don't, we don't like the new girl, but then, but the people who give you a chance.

No, no, I'm not like some bitch with a ukulele. Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah. I just, that was a very, very adorable, yeah. Oh, yeah. So I just go show up and be like, who is she? She wears clothes from a different store that we shop at. We only have that store at this mall, you know, that kind of shit.

Yeah, yeah. But I changed my mind. And I shall outplay the Queen of Homecoming! Well, just so you know, the Queen is actually an honor that would be bestowed upon you The Queen of Homecoming! Well, just I know the Queen is actually an honor that would be bestowed upon you after a successful school year Oh, I see. So I can't just choose that. You want to be one of the popular girls? Who if you're a popular girl then you get your weapon is a club of breakfast. I imagine that if you hit someone with that they become satiated with eggs and toast.

Yes, that sounds reasonable to me. A popular girl it is. Now, so I come from a world that is much like this, so it's not as exciting for me to play a normal student. So I was thinking of when I was in high school, I used to play role-playing games. So I'm going to play a character that I used to play role-playing games when I was in high school. I used to play role-playing games. So I'm going to play a character that I used to play role-playing games when I was in high school. Sure. It's a little hard to explain, but my character is he used

to be a turtle, but through some amount of science became like a human-sized turtle. And this turtle man also has martial art skills. How old is he? He's about 40, 41 years old. Middle age mutant ninja turtle. Yes, well, yeah, you can put those words in that order if you want to.

But yeah, I used to play. He's very easy turtle. He's way to me. This is very much like our friend Fight Turtle. You have a friend named Fight Turtle? Yes, you never met Fight Turtle. I have not met fight turtle. I have not met fight turtle.

I guess he's usually on the other side of the wall, is it, D? Wait. I had sex with a fight turtle. He showed me the secret of his ooze. Oh, wow. Wow, crang, that's hot. Earthquake. No.

Earthquake, love and that one. Love and it. Well, sure. I mean, if you want to be a turtle, I think that's, we'll make some exceptions again. And maybe we could even, there was some talk about, perhaps, from our, our O&B campaign, that maybe this is a time warper,

we're seeing these characters back in time. Oh, yeah! Maybe you could be your same, you know, Dan Smith and Dan. Yeah, Dan Smith, the burnout. Let's do it. And of course, I always played John Bastion. Well, I'm gonna be Gayle Davidson before she met Fred Durst. That's fine.

Yeah, I think that might be a fun thing to do. Yeah. Yeah, and I'll be Raphael, just an angry, a adult Ninja Turtle. Sure. Pretending to be a teenager for a story I'm writing. Because I've never been kissed. Rafael, interesting name.

Yeah. You know, he said you could be someone named Jacques, if you want. Name Jacques? Yeah, you want to be a Jacques? I think you should continue being a rad dude with an attitude. All right, yeah, I'll just be, my alignment is rad dude with attitude. That's fine. It's in the book. It's in the book.

It's gonna be a rad dude with attitude. That is available to you. What rad dude with attitude? Neutral. Sure, sure. Now, if I'm playing John Bastion again, it does not make sense that I would be a popular girl. So what does a marketing manager start out as before he becomes a marketing manager?

Um, I think it could be, uh, maybe a nerd, maybe a loser, uh, uh, uh, maybe a weirdo... The inter-kid? The inter-kid is available, yeah. How about mathlete? That's very, a mathlete, it's very available. Then I shall be a mathlete of the utmost prowess and amazing mathing skills. Cool, cool, let's fucking play. All right, the first thing we need to do

is get your cute sheets there. I think that's the cute sheets everybody. You know, pencils there. Everyone needs to roll to figure out what their parents are like. If they're cool or not cool, and how many parents, you know, they live with and everything, and there's a chart that you can then. We're gonna add, we'll add the, the dice sound effects later.

Sure, yeah, that's fine. Now, if I am rolling high, does that mean my parents are cool or not cool? Well, it might mean they're cool. If you're rolling on this little chart down there, high rolls, I mean your parents are cool, but two higher rolls mean they're too cool and want to be like in on your life and everything.

Oh yeah, no thank you. 18. 18. Okay. Yeah, you've got pretty cool parents. Glad you buy it, bar the keys of the car, but they also wanna have like, drugs and alcohol talk with you, like often.

And from like, hey, it's cool, you know, but just tell us, you know. All right, those kind of parents, you know? Yes, I think I know. I never had it. I never had it. I was brought into this world by conspiracy of birds and fire and wind and rain that said,

there must be a champion for food. I'm going to fight that dark lord and I did step forth and say I am now fully formed and you so do I shall take up this cause in your name. So I never had parents. Yeah sure. Sure. But you were raised by earthwind and fire basically. I rolled it. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Don't forget. Uh, not nine not bad there are little distant Maybe your dad works a lot is out of the house a lot maybe he's out a little too much gotcha can his name be Dennis Sure and can he have hit me once I'm a burn out

That's fine. Maybe you know He felt bad about it. Sure. He it wasn't like a tough love thing know, he felt bad about it. Sure. It wasn't like a tough love thing. He really felt guilty about it. Gotcha. On a night. This is fantasy. Let me indulge in my fantasy.

Oh, the classic fantasy of beast. Clearly, this never happens. This never happens ever. So let me live out my fantasy. Okay, I got four. Okay. You were raised by an aunt and uncle? Oh, shit, no.

Yeah. There were a nice aunt and uncle, but there's still a bit of a burden. I can still feel it. I feel that hole in my heart. Yeah, yeah. Well, according to my character sheet, I was also adopted. I was raised by an elderly man who, you know, is...

There's no nice way to say it. He's a rat. Sure. An elderly rat. An elderly rat, yeah. Again, we're making a lot of exceptions and we did this before, so I think that's fine. Okay, great, that's a rat. Did you roll to see if he was a cool rat?

Oh, yeah, okay, a rat, is he? Oh, one. Okay. He's a rat. Oh, he's a rat. Oh, okay, burface a rat. Yeah, literally and figuratively. Oh, okay, oh, yeah. So he's a rat. Oh, okay. Burf is a rat. Yeah.

Literally and figuratively. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. So he's going to rat me out as well. Excuse me. Oh, you're ready? A little cough there, I'm sorry. Metamorph.

Yeah. Are you feeling sick? It has a little bit of a cough, you know. It kind of comes and goes sometimes. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Yeah. So you guys need a room? Jesus. I just worry about people. It, wow. Yeah. Uh, yeah. Do you guys need a room? I just worry about people. And if they're in the room, all right. No, you know, and make sure I come right mouth when I cough. I don't have you guys ever have fire coming on your mouth when you cough.

Oh, oh, yes. From time to time, if I've miscast a spell, but I believe this might be more of your natural demeanor for you are possibly partially dragon board. We've had this conversation before. There's no way that I'm a loser. I'm that dragon boy. And that's ridiculous.

I just occasionally have dreams about flying over towns and capturing maidens and then coughing fire. That's just yeah. That's isn't that normal? Yes. I think you might be partially human-no-no-aid and pochely dragon. All right, so I'm gonna sit at my desk. Sure. I'm gonna be, my eyes are gonna be glazed over,

like a great white shark, just kind of checked out. Sure. I wanna go ahead and roll to see if I can pull out a knife and start carving my initials on my desk. Sure, go for it. It's a 19. Boo, wow, you're able to do it. You get two initials in, teacher,

does not notice anything. Great. And I'm assuming you're sitting in the back of class. Boo, wow, you're able to do it. You get two initials in teacher, does not notice anything. Right? And I'm assuming you're sitting in the back of class. Oh, absolutely, yes. It's far back because you can't. Sorry if I didn't mention that, yeah, back to the words. I'm gonna skateboard in like a cool kid and say, hey fellow teenagers,

I'm just a cool kid just like you, not a 40-year-old man. Cowabunga, is that just the kind of thing that all the cool kids say these days? Not particularly. Get out of here, Nark. Yeah, you want to go and roll, roll, and that how old that has accepted. 11.

11. Will you sit down, please? Oh, OK. Referee L, please take a seat. You're late. Sure. Yeah. You're late. All right. All right. That's take your seat. You're late.

You're late. All right. That's a tardy. That's one tardy. I have a healthy respect for authority, and I will sit down. All right. I come in late, but I have a note from the principal's office, and I just come in with a real confident air.

Like, don't even make eye contact with anybody. Is it on your character sheet that you have a note from the principal? Yes, no. I have a note from the assistant principal. Okay, well, that'll be fine. Okay, that's fine. And we understand that you're raised by your aunt and uncle. So you're a lot of the allot of leeway here.

Okay. Teachers like, ah, yeah, I take my seat and I sit in the teacher seat. You really want to sit in the teacher seat? Yeah, I want to just see what happens when I sit in the teacher seat. Okay, let's roll that die there. That's a 14. A 14? Ah, Gale. Yeah, I wanted to see what happens when I said, the teacher said, okay, let's roll that die there. That's a 14. A 14?

Gail. Yeah? I understand, I get it, I get it. Thanks, teacher. And then I can take my seat. Thank you, that's what I was gonna say. I was gonna go say, I was gonna say, you need to leave, but I understand why.

I know I tested boundaries sometimes, sometimes I'm like, I see the line and I'm like, I'm more step over it so thanks, teacher. Sure, sure. You know, I feel like to us the class that felt like a victory for Gail, but you know what? I think there was a victory for the teacher.

They did the right thing, they didn't escalate it. And it was a, it was a learning moment. And I'm saying that as a fellow teenager, not as a 40 year old man. You said the in class, out loud, that wasn't the best. I did. But I stood up on my desk and I was like, guys, the teacher did a really good job right there. We all like nail him.

We shit right now, right? Like we all start throwing shit at him. Yeah, I'm gonna throw shit. Now, I'm also gonna move my desk away from Raffa L, just so I don't get Sal Manella. I have been swimming around in water that is filled with my own feces for quite some time, so that's fair. I also want to perk up and take notice when I see how Gail behaves in front of the teacher where she kind of pulls no punches. For the first time I sit up and take notice.

My character's been sitting quietly at the front of the class, and I turn to the teacher and I say, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, eeeh, e athlete's conference. What an imaginary sounding town. Bioria. Bioria. Bioria. Also, does anyone notice that that old man is green?

Yeah, I think that dude's a turtle. No, guys, I'm just a teenage. We didn't question your age, we questioned what species you are. Oh, yeah, but I'm definitely a teenager. But you're also green. Yeah. And you have gray in your beard that's the new that's a good thing guys. Dance man, are you are you being a bully right now? I want to be a bully yeah. Okay can I roll for that? Please please do. That's a 10. That's a 10. Yeah

you need to you mister you need to park it. You need to park it. You know my fucking dad. Oh, oh, yeah That's a referral. That's a referral. You're giving me a referral. Thank you so much. Oh my gosh. No, it's a bad thing Oh, see the The Brits but in offices and bosses a referral was a good thing for the temp This is different different different here looking to handbook You had to read the handbook all right. I've been bruising the handbook for some time at the local gaming store So I'm already familiar our furl is a bad thing you do not want to go to the principal's office, okay?

I'm gonna punch the wall Okay All right, well, that's that's it. In fact, you know what? John and Raphael and and G, would you escort, please escort Dan to the club? This is bullshit. I have to leave in like nine minutes. Well, you have to leave anyway.

Why am I going? Just so that the party can stay together. OK, it's really. Yeah, yeah. As we walk to the principal's office, I start to sort of talk them up about pizza, how cool it is, and how, like guys, us teenagers, we all love pizza, right? I agree, I do love pizza.

I can't do it. Yeah, I guess pizza is pretty good. I'm also an agreeance in loving pizza. Do I get some points for that? For liking pizza? Yeah, or for just like a really getting in with the other kids? Sure.

All right. Sure. All right. Five points. Five points. Does he understand that there are no points in this game? I've got five, more than anybody else, as far as I can see. I want to take out some weed and offer it to Gail.

Sure. Gail's most shit out of the head. Well, right in the hallway. Yeah, right in the hallway. Yeah. Uh, let's roll a diet and see how stealthy you can be about. Okay. Smoking that. Is it seven? Seven. Well, one of the janitors Mr. Oglethorpe comes around the corner and obviously he knows what that smell is and He knows what he's seeing. A panic, and I take all my clothes off. I just take everything off, and I'm still covered in weed, I'm scashed smoke, and all my clothes are on the floor.

All right, anybody else? I panic and pull my head and my arms inside my body. And then I kind of spin around, and then like a dime, I just kind of brown, brown, brown, and then I kind of spin around and then like a dime I just kind of brown brown brown then I land. I grabbed my protractor on my compass and I pray, pray to the Matthew gods. And I giggle uncontrollably. Let me roll for his reaction here. I was in 18.

He's cool with it. He's cool with it. He's like, whoa, all right. That's some good stuff. I can smell it. That's nice with it. He's like, whoa, all right, that's some good stuff. I can smell it. That's nice. I pass the back to the janitor, yeah, I share. You share?

I don't care. Okay. I poke just my head out of my shot. I'm like, whoa. I'll put my clothes back on. Yeah, that's right, that'd be a good idea. Yeah. Full of drugs, I want to go ahead and roll to see

if I can impress Gail by running towards a locker and doing a back flip off of it. Sure, give that a roll there. All right, that's a natural one. Wow, okay. You do fall flat on your face, but because of Gail's broken home background, she's really into other people. I'm a fixer.

You're a fixer, exactly. You try to fix your own relationship when you see other people. Yeah. And he's a bad boy. Yeah, bad boys do it for you. Yeah. They do it for me, even if they do it badly.

Yeah, well, yeah. What I mean, how many do it well? Yeah, that's true. OK, so then I take notice of just fail the tempt you doing a back flip off the locker and I'm just like, you okay? You okay? And I just wanna get go uncontrollably.

Sure, sure, sure. Well, you may get to the principal's office and the first room you come to is the secretary at the principal's office, Mr. Tomkins, and he's like, all right, why are you? I know why you're here, Dan. Fuck you, you're not my dad. Oh, look, if I could refer you again, I would, but I can't.

So why are the rest of you here? Hello, Brad, I have to get on the bus in a few minutes. Brad? We're on a first name basis. I have first name basis here on my sheet. First name basis with staff, that's one. We say, yeah, as a straight student, yes, you're on a sheet also says,

prefers to talk to adults than other teenagers. Yeah, I find it to be more comfortable. Sure, sure. We all know that kid. Yeah, yeah. So you're here to escort Dan Smith to the principal, huh? I smoked a lot of weed, so I just start to kind of sit down and wanted to chairs and fall asleep. That's fine. That's fine.

Alright, well, we got away for the principal to come, and sure enough, the door of the principal's office opens, and there's Mr. Whiteley, the principal. Fuck you, you're not my dad. Alright, Dan, we've been through this song and dance before, haven't we? You mess with the bull, you get the horns. I want to adjust the earring in my ear. Sure. Sure. I also start taking out food.

I'm going to start to eat my lunch. It says here in my, in the book that says that I am lunch able. Yeah, you have a lunch. Great. Probably an old brown paper bag. It's been used before to carry lunches in. Okay. Yeah, I'll take that.

Yeah. Because I fear we're going to, I feel like we don't have so much time to play this game. Sure. I'm going to take out my size and just throw them at the principal. You're what? It's size. My size. I'm going to throw my size at the principal.

They're like knives that... Oh, it's going to say your size. You're like, what, 64 or 280? Yeah, I'm going to throw both my size and my size. And I'm going to be kind of sending also my size at the principal. Yeah. Just, I'm just going to... It's a triple homonyl in the town at the principal. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I'm just gonna, it's a triple homonym. I know.

Yeah. The secret of the homonyms. Yeah. Earth people are loving it. I got it, I got it 18. 18, wow, are those knives? Hit the principal right in the chest. Like, ah!

Turtle boy, I thought you were a good student. What's happening? I'm like, you really think I'm a boy? With my turn, I do cast a spell of algebraic confusion. I do start spouting exponents and variables that confound the very principle that does stand before us. Sure, let me, bro. Yeah, he rolled a four.

So yeah, he is like, oh, come on now. Complete the square. What are you you talking about what's going on? And that moment I didn't recognize the face of the principal at this new school that I'm at and I recognize it as the photo That was slipped into my copy of Anna Greengables that I was given as a child and I realized their principal widely is my dad Wow and I realized their principal widely is my dad. Oh, man. Wow, what's an amazing guy? So you can be like, I'm a big guy. You can be like, fuck you, you are my dad. Yeah, and I say it, I say, fuck you, you are my dad.

Am I, am I your dad? I think you are, I think you're... He's certainly very confused by the algebra, so. Yeah. So, uh, roll for him. Okay, um, a five. Look, I'm confused right now. Okay, maybe I am, right?

Before I was principal, I got into some rough stuff. Okay, I'm not gonna lie. I now use my skill of algebraic deduction to solve all the formulas for low-teen about the principal's head and removing his confusion. We're kind of at mixed, you know, kind of a conflict of interests here. I would think that John Sebastian would want to save the principal and

I want to see what happens with this dad thing. Fair enough. And I get distracted by seeing like a paper disposal unit in the corner and I'm like, oh, my arch nemesis, we meet at last. Well, you see some sort ofmesis, we meet at last. Oh. Well, you see some sort of shredder? Some kind of, yeah, like a pay, you could call it that, a paper shredder. And I'm like, oh, we meet at last.

Why would a, I mean, a turtle's got a shell. Why would you take all the shredder? I just, that's my nemesis. So while this is all going on, I want to take some lipstick and put it between my pecs and start to Put the lipstick on my lips only using my pecs sure and then once that's done to completion I want to look at the principle then the eyes and say I don't want your life Sure sure

That one that's a that's a for sure. All right. That's a three to three. It is it was like clown makeup More on your nose. So that's going for, dude. Mission accomplished. Mission accomplished. But that principle, yeah, you might be his daughter. You might, wow. Wow, I'm bleeding profusely right now.

I've been stabbed with two. I know. I just just made you a little good to die. I have been the size of these is very heavy. And also hearing those audible size has has Wow I'm sorry I have no I have no medical skills on my sheet except for a class where I learned to do the homelike maneuver

um you want to try a high look on you you've been stabbed so I'm gonna try the homelike sure while she while she does, what do I need to roll to know if throwing just randomly throwing knives at the principal is gonna go on my permanent record? Well, if he survives, it will go on your record. Oh, okay. If you kill him, who's gonna say? No, oh, I see, so I am pot committed at this point.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I pull Raspiel down and put him on his back. Not sure. I can't. I can't hear you. I'm never mad. I rolled a 10 for the high mule maneuver. OK, the knives shoot out.

Oh, shit. But they don't hit anybody else. Oh, good. They're still bleeding, but the knives are rude. They've been, yeah. OK. Gail, do you want us to kill your dad or do you want us to save him?

Oh, no. I was so mad at you for so long because, Do you want us to kill your dad or do you want us to save him? Oh no! I was so mad at you for so long because, like, am I living with your brother or sister? Or is it mom's brother or sister? Your mother's brother and sister. Okay, so you have no connection to the people that I love. Well, I loved them at once too, but no DNA connection. I say finish him. No.

Gail, but think about this. You're missing that connection, and I can identify that as a man turtle who about a year and 10 months ago fell through a man to hold behind a domino's pizza. And I've been trapped in this world that is not my own far away from my rat father. I think you need to bolster that connection.

Yeah, but did you go to the school where your dad was the principal? No. Finish you. No, all right. It is. Also, it is better for my academic future. Yes, you. I, but I'm'm selling my back,

but I really encourage anybody to kill the principal. I try to say nice things to him, to hope to kill him with kindness. Sure, sure. So you tried your best. You wanted it? I didn't try my best. I didn't.

I got involved with some nasty stuff and owe a lot of money in Mexico and I just had to offload the family so I could pay those debts. And I feel bad about it now when I'm bleeding and, oh, if I recover, you're, you could get a paddling. Grrr.

I start to kill small animals. Okay, that's a warning sign, you know. I am worried about Dan Smith. I think we might be killing the wrong person in this office. It's just a fantasy. I put a homemade bomb in the principal's face. The skull's gotten dark. And I'm the one that started this by throwing knives at the principal.

Yeah, yeah. The principal sees the bomb put in his face and it's like, John, John, I said, Bash, I never would have guessed you, you. I have a lot of pent-up rage being a mathlete tard. There's a lot of pressure my parents putting on me. Plus they went and hang out with me. My dad offered to have a beer with me the other night and I was like, I don't wanna have a beer with my dad.

I'm only 15. This is wonderful. Well, he sees the bomb and then, uh, eight, mark it off your character sheet, please. Oh, yes. High schooler with homemade bomb. Uh, he decides that he will not put this on your permanent record and he will not, uh, paddle you today, Dan Smith,

but he has to go to Peoria with you for the math lead contest. Ugh. Fine. Let's get on the bus then. The bus is about to leave. Are we all gonna go on the bus with you? Yeah, everyone's gotta go on the bus. Okay.

All right. That's part of the deal. Part of the deal. I won't call the police. Oh no, that was your girlfriend, Mr. Springflin. You're gonna miss the Springflin. Fuck you. Are we gonna go to Peoria? Is Peoria cool?

Should we roll for you? Yeah, let's roll for everybody roll. Will you find something in Peoria cool? I got a negative six. I don't know how you did that. That little line just means it's six. Oh, it's just a six. That's still pretty low.

Yeah. Lammers. Lammers. Your official lammers is the official. Yeah. Since we're all going on the bus together, Dan Smith feels a sense of camaraderie, and he tries to get an intricate dance started

having had no previous rehearsal for choreography. Sure. That's definitely the die roll for that. Game. And that's a 17. 17. It catches on. It catches on. It's a pretty simple step, and everyone kind of starts

grooving to it a little bit. Wow. For the rest of the day, you'll get plus three bonuses in all die rolls for this awesome pottery dance. Yeah, yeah, to kind of like bolster this exciting energy that we've got going I'm gonna jump in the air and try to high-five John Bastion in the air and like freeze in the air while we do it

Two to okay, you don't you didn't tell him you were gonna do this 20 20 you managed to freeze in the air Well, and are like you're leaving me hanging come on. You know hard to just say frozen in the air. Wow, and they're like, you're leaving me hanging. Come on. You know, hard to just say frozen in the air? So you do it, Johnson Baskin. Excellent. As I float here in the air, thinking of my terrible life with my very cool parents, all that runs through my head are ones and zeros and exponents and variables.

I'm going to go up to Gail, take off her glasses, and take one hand and put the hair behind her ear, making her beautiful. Okay. Sure, sure. Oh, yes, she becomes quite beautiful. Oh, nice, so quite beautiful. Oh, cool.

But then I put the other hair behind my other ear, and it just fucks everything off. Like, total asymmetrical face. Oh, yeah, it does. It does. I step off to Rafael. I take off his red bandana mask. I squeeze his green mushy head and make him beautiful.

Yeah, yeah, it makes him more impressive. Looks more human than turtle. Can I, at the very least, roll to see if I cry from just the realization that I might be beautiful? Sure, sure. 20. You cry. Tears, like happy tears, just kind of streamed on my face. And in fact, what we happen to this point is we're going to do a silent montage and I want

to be in slight slow motion and just describe to me what you do in this quiet montage If you want to be crying slow tears are there other people on the bus? Yeah, you're making your way to the bus right now. We're not even on the bus yet. You're making a way to the bus Okay, yeah, so everyone can have a moment with a describe their behavior in this. There'll be some music playing perhaps Kind of a slow-motion montage Well, I guess I'll kick it off. So Dan Smith, uh, is crying. He's very moved, very emotional. Um, he's going to take out his, uh, kind of away from everyone, kind of turned and shied away. He's going to take out his smaller than average penis and start to play it like a little guitar. Sure. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I won't even roll for it. I think sure

Thank you. I'm doing math Okay, in your head on paper on paper on the locker room maybe with like a lipstick on a window or something Yes, sure. Yeah, yeah, okay, I'm math graffiti everywhere math graffiti. Yeah And I I sort of lean towards my newfound friends and say, I know we've had a long, weird day together, and we're very different, the burnout, the math, the new girl, and the man turtle pretending to be a teenager. But I ask, has anything changed? Has anything changed? When you see me in the hallways after today, will it be friends? Or will it have just been a special time for today? I walk past the bus and get on a different bus.

Sure. And I'm like, fuck you all. And I say, fuck pure, and then I go to New York City. I take that as a yes, and I pump my fist into the air and I freeze. What's with you and freezing? I'm just, I'm a turtle. I get cold very easily. It's 20.

You freeze. You freeze. Yeah, and the music crescendos and you know that no one will forget about you. And a good way or a bad way, we don't know. That's all I wanted. I don't care if it's good or bad, like they remember. Just think we will be remembered. Yeah, that is so great. Yeah.

Thank you so much and thank you everybody and Mundo, uh, play us out. Thank you very much. We are Hello from the Magic Government. As always, just stopping by to remind you that even this special life bonus episode was not real. Use it or the blue aka John Sebastian was played by Matt Young. Shunt the Badger aka Dan Smith was played by Adel Refy. Meta more the office manager was played by Bill Arnett. Bill's book The Complete Improvisor is now available in eBook form as well as the print version. Find it on Amazon. Or if your object work is

up to the task, pretend to pull it off your enormous bookshelf, and leave through it while sipping that cup of coffee you can't seem to shed. Flower aka Gail Davidson was played by Brooke Bright. Offices and bosses end hello from the Magic Tavern are produced by Ryan to Georgie, Evan Jacoba and Arnie Neacamp. This episode edited by Chris Rathchin, production assistance by Garrett Schultz, special thanks to Maximum Phon and Jesse Thorn for inviting the show to be part of their very, very fun day festival while they were in Chicago. Take care and remember to catch the final episode of my other podcast, Where's Jack Lalaine? Where I take 70's fitness guru, Jack Lalaine, hypnotize him and place his sleeping body somewhere

in the world for adventures and teens to find. Available everywhere large scraps of metal are placed onto a tall pyramid and burned. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry you