Hello From The Magic Tavern - Patreon Unlock: Boys Night: Camping

Episode Date: July 7, 2025

Enjoy this unlocked bonus episode from our Patreon! Usidore, Chunt, and Arnie head to the woods for some rest and relaxation.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Matt YoungAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!Check out our upcoming LIVE SHOWS!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, this is present day Arnie bumping into the beginning of all of our episodes to give you important news. This summer 2025 we're going on tour. If you've always wanted to see us live, here's your chance assuming you live anywhere close to the places I'm about to say. On July 18th, Somerville, Massachusetts. On July 20th, New York City. On August 15th, Washington DC.

On August 17th, Washington, D.C. on August 17th, Philadelphia on September 27th, Charlotte, North Carolina and on September 28th, Richmond, Virginia. Tickets are selling fairly fast, even for the shows that are a few months out. But if you can make it, we'd love to see you. You can get more information and links to buy tickets at HelloFromTheMagicTavarine.com and click on the live shows tab. That's HelloFromTheMagicTavarine.com and click on the live shows tab. That's HelloFromTheMagicTavarine.com and then click on the live shows tab. School's out for summer boils and grills, and what better way to beat the heat than

with a cool as can be slice of comedy contraband smuggled to your ears on Bootleg Craig's pirate Patreon radio. Once again, I've slipped into the vaults of the Magic Tavern Patreon and liberated a bonus transmission from the clutches of the paywall. It's only a matter of time before the feds catch on. So if I were you, I'd hike on over to patreon.com slash magic tavern right now and join. More on that after the show. Keep on cruising through summer break and join the hosts for

a boys night special camping edition. Boys night motherfuckers! Boy's night motherfuckers! Boy's night! Motherfuckers. You swore I think. Motherfuckers. Oh. Alright.

You swore I don't know that I've ever heard you say the phrase motherfuckers. That can't be right. Give me some examples of times when you would use that word. Well, uh, I once knew a very sad man who had a very sad existence and a bad relationship with his mother. Uh... Oh no. Let's see, when else would I have said it? Pretty sure I yelled it at, uh, evildoers at some point. Remember those two evil dogs? Oh yeah. Oh, yeah.ers at some point. Um, remember those two evil dogs?

Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Those motherfuckers. Flip and flap? Ugh. I don't know if those are the ones I was thinking of, but I don't care for flip and flap either. Oh. Well who are you thinking of?

There's two of them. They're evil, the dogs. They talk a lot about being evil dogs. I mean you're describing flip and flap to a thing. I am. I guess I am talking about flip and flap. Oh and remember when we were on cowboy world I feel like I said it a lot while we were there also cocksucker

Bukestra and to limpia the Chihuahuas I was yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. That was just me Slowly answering I wasn't looking anything up. The evil skinny dogs. Then who are Flippin' Flap? Who are Flippin' Flap? Are there more evil dogs we need to worry about? Oh, sure. Yeah, I mean, dogs can be evil just like anyone else.

You have to constantly be vigilant against the forces of evil. Yeah. It's a choice. I feel it does seem a little tough just knowing some dogs It feels a little tough because dogs are inherently sort of you know sinners They chase they bite Sure, they bark those wait those are sins all of us chasing Chasing's a sin, biting's a sin, pooping's a sin, pooping's a sin.

Getting up on the couch. Getting up on the couch is a huge sin. Being a bad boy, sin. Chasing the scroll man. Don't chase the scroll man, he's just doing his job. How long are you gonna get your scrolls? Remember when you used to get scrolls all the time? And now, like, when's the last time you wrote a scroll?

Oh, yes. Well, I think the scroll system started using snails, and that was a huge mistake. You think that's a huge mistake? I think so. Yeah, I stand by that. I really like snail mail. Hmm. Okay, you're the one, I guess.

Yeah, you sort of had a good one looking at themselves in mirrors or whatever you said. That's a huge sin for dogs. And here's the thing, Arnie, I don't know if you've, you know, obviously we haven't had a ton of dogs on the show, because we're conflating them with each other. But when you see a dog, typically a citizen will sarcastically go, good boy, what a good boy. Because obviously they're evil and sinners and being awful. Sure. Yeah, so pooping look we're out We're camping we're having you know, we're getting a little closer Bonding can we all be honest here? We we all poop right?

Of course, Ernie everybody poops, but not everybody poops standing up So I want you to feel comforted, but not too comforted. I see. But just, but it's a sin, you're saying. It's a sin depending on how you do it. Now Arnie, when you stand up and poop, that's a sin. I also didn't want to make a huge deal out of this. Obviously two weeks ago, Arnie, you and I both know,

we made eye contact. Obviously I walked in on you, you were laying flat on your stomach, arms at your side, and you were pooping. Flat on your stomach flat on your stomach arms at your side and you were pooping Flat on your stomach on the floor arms at your side. Yeah, just straight as a board No, you're pooping and I was trying something out. Oh, oh, I am follow-up question Chant Oh, what was the first question? Oh, I guess it's just a clarifying question then. Okay, so Where was the poop all going?

Buddy, you don't wanna know. He's just sitting on top of his butthole. So poop is pushing out more poop? Yeah, you know how sometimes at the tavern- It was going straight up. You know how sometimes at the tavern you'll get like a shot or a drink and they'll put a floater or a drink and they'll put

a floater on it like they'll put an extra shot on top of the cocktail and it just sort of sits on top they call the floater or he was doing a floater where all look do I regret the product like what happened yes do I regret that I had a spirit of experimentation just to see what would happen? No Don't regret the shit regret the shitter regret the style already. Yeah, the product is the product We all like I said everybody. Oh, this is a good spot. Okay. Yeah, let's pop our tents here. Okay That was a heavy Heavy Bindle I had

Heavy Bindle I had Bindles yeah with sticks and Tarps to make a tent I just thought we were gonna walk to a cabin or something out here. No, we have to build a shelter Arnie Arnie say we found a cabin you think we can just kick in the door and sleep there I mean, we've done that we have done that before. Oh you're right yeah yeah we've definitely done that. All right let's keep going pick up the stuff i'll get these stakes. What stuff wait what stuff do we not have that i was supposed to bring? I just really packed heavy assuming you weren't going to bring things. Yeah although also we have a bag of holding and use of course hat which sort of has of has unlimited space. So, um, never learned my lesson.

Okay. I brought, here's my checklist. 10 sticks. Check one chunk size tarp. Check one acoustic guitar. Check and check. And I mean, check 20 gram crackers. Check, uh, 20 chunks of chocolate check 20

marshmallows check five additional marshmallows for one Arnie inevitably burns them check all right I think I got everything and my list says good food check good times check good friends open check. I've never wanted something Painted on a piece of wood more and hanging in the bathroom the bat phrase I have a piece of paper in my pocket. I realized was my checklist These are the things that I didn't bring and I'm so sorry. I didn't bring gas grass or ass Arnie you always break the ass, baby

Wait, what's this on the back of this list? Give it here. Yeah or ass. Arnie, you always break the ass, baby. Wait, what's this on the back of this list? Give it here. Learn Spanish, become more thoughtful, love yourself twice as much. What is all this? Why are none of them checked off? Well, it's a...

I know you guys don't have this as much here, but it's a new year, at least on Earth. It's now 2025, I believe, if my math is correct, and it's probably wrong. It's 2025, so it's a new year, just sort of thinking about things I wanna accomplish. Oh, oh, that's cool. We should all do that.

You sir, we should have, what does Arnie call them, goals? We should have goals. Yes, let's have some new year goals. It's 48-247 and it's time to recommit ourselves. Oh wait, was that the score of like a men's game or something? What was that? No, that's... it's a chunt by the Foonish calendar. It's 48-247. Already? It feels like it was just 48-215 yesterday.

I know, I'm still putting 47 whatever on my checks still Oh and don't even get me started about 48 to 39. Am I right? I was around during 48 to 39. Wait was I? Yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you were Ernie I'm talking about a different 44 to 89 or whatever I guess maybe that was when the Dark Lord had imprisoned all of hogsface. So in that case, what a year Let's see Well, we can kind of you know, while we're setting up our tents, we can kind of think of our goals We don't have to just sit here and list them in I don't think Yes, oh resolutions

And I didn't just look that up Resolutions, okay. I know it was over 50 years ago, but I can't stop thinking about the 90s You love the 90s. I love the 90s. I love the 80s Ernie, what do you love? How have you love? I love you guys. Chuck. Oh, I love you guys. Usador. Very sweet.

We've gotten through the holidays, through all millions of them, and now we're starting a new year, and it's just nice to sort of take a little time with my good buds, have a boys' night, boys' night motherfuckers. Boys' night! Boys' night motherfuckers.

Motherfuckers. Yeah, it just sounds weird when Ysidor says it. Yeah, it's too much of a pause, I think, in between. I should do it all together? Yeah. Boy's night motherfuckers! Nice one! Hey, Ysidor, will you hand me that tarp over there? Sure, here you go.

Uh, huh! Sorry, I accidentally threw it. Would you go, um, would you go way over there and track it down and bring it back? Sorry, I threw it. Sure, no problem. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Yeah? Um, I just noticed you threw that tarp. It seemed like you did that on purpose. Shit, he's already back.

Oh, good, you sir, good, you scratched my ear. What a good wizard. Thank you. Thank you. Hey you sir, I bet you can't find a hundred mushrooms in this forest Watch me He keeps looking back to see if I'm watching him good job, buddy Thank you shaking every bush just see if a mushroom Pops out stop looking back and waving. He's like a kid at the pool Good job, buddy. I'm gonna see if they're any at the top of that waterfall. Oh good call

Oh, good job, buddy. I'm gonna see if they're any at the top of that waterfall. Ooh, good call. Oh, here, Arnie, let me throw my keys in the waterfall so he can go dive down and get them. Hey, Arnie, I just wanna give you a heads up. Just in case you start acting a little weird, last year you really upset him. What?

Remember New Year's last year? We were all having a good time. We were getting drunk, and then you sing that song Oh Well, you sing some song of December by the counting crows Yeah, you sort of thought that was the saddest song ever written and it really upset him But is that why he always gets upset when I say? Yeah

Wait, that's you told me that's the the catchphrase from entourage Similar similar there's sort of nuanced differences mine is more of a kind of almost a meow singing like Well, surely whatever cat like man produced that yowl would never date any attractive celebrities. No, no friends. Sure no friends. I found about 48 mushrooms so far. I think I could find some more if I go over that hill there. It's just one more day up in the canyons.

Go get them buddy, go get them. Look, I'm just saying I've got reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last. And Arnie I believe that. I absolutely, you know I've been hanging around. I've been hanging around waiting for that to be the case and I do believe that one day it will be. But Arnie what really upset him was that other, there was some sort of new year song you sang and you sang some lyrics that were like, may old acquaintance be forgotten.

Oh. It was a song that was basically like, forget your friends. Like, let's not hear from them anymore. And it really, really had an effect on him. So I'm just saying, don't sing that song or if you do sing the song, like, I don't know, just make it more welcoming So I see He interpreted that song as being because he's old

I'm gonna forget about it. Yeah, if you had just said may acquaintances be forgotten. Hey that affects all of us But when you say old acquaintances, yeah, yes, do you think it would be better if I sang when he comes back if I said? Don't you? Forget about me um Yeah, yeah, I think I think that we good don't don't don't don't Ernie. What are you doing? No, I'm so oh hey. Hey Don't watch Mushrooms good job, but don't thank you you sit or don't you?

Forget about me Arnie move don't you don't earn you pumped your hand in the air and you froze Arnie move So what are you doing? Do you Arnie move again? I'm stuck. I don't know why forget about me You so did you do this? He tried to hypnotize me? La la la la La la la la I won't forget about you, Arnie. You needn't worry about that.

Though I suppose I should worry. Since I'm so old and worthless and forgettable. I don't remember any rest of the song. Might as well just throw me in that canyon and bury me right now. Don't you forget the song? This simple mind over here. What's up? Just Ernie? So I'm sorry. I called you a simple mind just unfreeze and help me out. No, you sir. You are not. Oh, whoa Did your beard get less white?

Yeah, well, I mean probably just naturally For who you know wizards wizards are full of magical power and I- Perhaps I am getting younger day by day. I think so. Also, your feet don't look as fucked up as they usually do, so... Just getting handsomer and handsomer each passing day. Well, that backfired Arnie. He fell into his own ego. Usador.

He fell into his own ego. Usador. I love you, buddy. You're so young. Well, yes, I'm only about, what, 350 years old or so, give or take. So what year were you brought into this world again? Assuming that this year now is 48 to 47. We don't have to assume we know that. Well, I was brought into the world in the year 48995. In the future? Wait, what was that number? Sorry 47 995

I can't just like I said, I keep messing out my checks. What was that number you said at first? John? He's sundowning What does that mean? I think we're gonna have to use our just getting too old Oh my gosh, are we gonna have to put him in a hut? I don't want to put him in a hut Oh my parents put their parents in a hut and it was the saddest thing ever. I'd go visit. It was just like a bunch of, oh, I don't want that. It's so weird how in food, when people get old enough, they have to put their parents in abandoned pizza hut.

And you always know that that's where elderly people are, because you can do. You're like, I think I see the shape. Is that an old pizza hut? Yeah. And when they you know shuffle off they all go to Pizza Hell That's the deal we made with pizza skull Thousands of years ago, and we have to change it now can't change it now Arnie can't change I'll know you I assume you've done the math by now and I've realized that's really only about 255 years and I'm clearly 350 years old, but I once spent 50 years living as a blacksmith in a pocket dimension, a bunch of other little

like kind of side quests to other pocket universes and such, so I'm about 350. It just linearly doesn't work with the, you know, the calendar. Oh yeah, the math wasn't mathin'. Yeah, I assumed you had already both done that math. Yeah, well I did math for two. Well I'm just impressed that I noticed that you set a date in the future to start. Well thank you for correcting me because I misspoke,

which happens as you get younger and handsomer. Sometimes you also get less intelligent because you haven't learned as much because you're younger. It's not because I'm dying my beard. You're not dying? Your face smells like blueberries right now. It shouldn't because I certainly wouldn't have rubbed blueberries all over my beard to try to look younger. I'm not that you are but it does look it looks good. It looks good. Okay. Thank you, Chuck Yeah, let's let's all now. Thank you for the hundred mushrooms chucks those aside

Let's go ahead and put up our tent right here. Did we eat those? Yeah, let's have that just be like our little secret or secret stash secret mushrooms Maybe we can eventually trade them in for like a big coin or a pipe. Well, if we're not gonna do anything with them right now, I'm going to put them in a secret box with a giant question mark on it. So no one will find them. And I'll float that box in the air. That way no one just find what's inside. Just to be extra safe, can you make it invisible so you have to know it's there to hit it sure no problem

She Wally Valley foodie foodie Have you guys seen my warped whistle sort of a whistle to ward off wolves it is huh? Oh, I thought you were trying to show show penis again No, it's my warp whistle my warped whistle. Um Blow it every time you're saying you're about to pitch the tents. I thought that that's what was gonna happen Oh, well setting up camp gives me a boner. Yeah, sure. Um, actually user, would you mind grabbing? Maybe like ten of the mushrooms out of that secret box cuz I thought to maybe cook up cook up some dinner Is that okay some some late-night dinner? Is that cool? Sure. I'm gonna have to I'm gonna have to go over there and jump and punch it with one hand. Oh

Oh his wrist must be broken. Did you hear that sound Ernie? Yeah, his wrist is broken. Yeah Oh his hand sounds like a tight bag full of nails Punching it. Oh I only got about six. Oh it's one per punch that's a bad system. At that point you should just go pick new mushrooms it's a much easier to pick a mushroom than to punch an invisible brick in the sky. Yeah I wish I would have known. So I'm gonna cook these mushrooms up real quick while I cook them Obviously we can't sort of like fast-forward that like clearly we have to sit and watch me cook them Sure, could we could you guys sing like a little song or something just so I don't get bored cooking these

All right now Sorry, I do a new song. Oh Yeah Sorry, I'd do a new song. Oh. Chaos. A shared. Do do do, do do do do do do do do do do do do. Done.

Cooked mushrooms? Perfect. I can't be right. I can't be right. Let's see, what did I put in the pan? Mushrooms? Mushrooms. Did you put anything else in there? No.

Do you have any butter or salmon? I mean, yeah. I put a dad in there. Okay, let me put the cooked mushrooms in. All right, here I'll sing. Some butter and. Okay. Let me put the cooktop Something do do do do do do do do do do do do do do salmon piccata What I thought I guess I just don't when I toss stuff in the pan. I just don't know I guess I don't know what it's gonna be called. It's just kind of a sure This is exciting guys. I'm excited

It's just kind of a... Sure. This is exciting, guys! I'm excited! Salmon micotta, motherfuckers! Salmon micotta, motherfuckers! Salmon micotta, motherfuckers! Salmon micotta, motherfuckers! Salmon micotta, motherfuckers!

Whew! Alright, this is fun. Um, alright, let me... I brought some travel, uh, plates here. Did anybody bring booze? Oh, uh, yes, I have a leather skin filled with wine. Oh, Ysidor, I thought you were trying to show us your penis. Well, is anyone interested?

Do you remember the time Ysidor was trying to convince us that his penis is full of wine? He said, no, trust me, it's a bladder that's full of wine. And we're like, that is your penis. I mean, technically, it sort of works the same way when you think about it. Yeah. Yeah, then he started calling it as his, his Malcock.

Is that something? Is that a... Is that a play on Malbec? Are you trying to say Malbec? Is that a play on Malbec? Yes. And you said, cause I don't want to rush past this.

Can I just say, guys, I love you so much. It's a new year. Can we just celebrate? The 10, it took almost 10 years for one of us to say something and that deleted so much confusion that we didn't just glaze past it. Malcock finally broke us.

So Malcock, wait, were you trying to say this? Onnie, I've decided to forget about you. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't! Maybe someone has some Riesdong? Riesling. Perhaps someone has some... Rosey tits. Some penis or noir?

Oh, Ysador, do you remember- That was the best one so far. Ysador, do you remember rosy tits? Oh, of course. Oh, Arnie, before you remember? That was the best one so far. Ysador, do you remember Rosie Tits? Oh, of course. Oh, Arnie, before you got here... Tell me more. Ysador and I fell in love with the same woman. Her name was Rosie Tits.

Oh. Ahem. Ahem. Pa-pa-pa-pa. Oh, the cow is getting the guitar. Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. Yeah. Yeah.

Ahem. Yep, yeah, yeah. Ahem. Yep, she was great. So let's dig back into this chicken salmon piccata, whatever it was. Chicken salmon, how did I get chicken in my salmon piccata? Did you put some chicken in there? Yeah, I guess I did. Yeah, I probably do it. Huh.

Well, uh, thinking of good old Rosie reminds me, you know, since she passed away so tragically, that we should tell ghost stories. Ooh, yes. Could you, Galeef Licton Commer, maybe like your fork or something so we can pass it around? Galeef Licton Commer. Nice.

And hold it unto your chin. Yeah. Lean forward. Yes. Remind the others that, once upon a time, there was a man who died. He died in his own home, alone and broken. No one had even come to visit him for over a month. He just withered away into nothingness.

And then when he died, he didn't even realize he had died. And then when a new family moved in, he was still there. Whoa. Wait, I'm confused. He didn't realize he died, so he just sort of hung out there in the corner. When the new family moved in, he was like, oh, I guess I'm a ghost because no one's talking to me Oh, then he's a body still there. Look what happened to his body. Where's his body? Oh, that's when he finally was like Oh, I guess that wasn't my old twin

And then they dragged it out of there, you know buried it And he kind of just he hung out in the corner and just sort of like, you know watch them Oh, I mean, you really got into watching them. Okay. Okay. I'm listening kaka-nay Chardonnay Yeah, so he watched them, you know, you know grow old together and then they died and they turned into ghosts And so they can finally see him like you've been here this whole time Get the hell out of here the whole time the whole time Did he lie about it or was he like guys I saw everything

No, he wasn't a particularly smart ghost. He could have he could have easily come up with a lie Just floating through here. Whatever and instead He he admitted, you know, I've been watching you make love Instead, he admitted, you know, I've been watching you make love, bear children, raise those children, and those children are grieving for your bodies right over there right now. Bear children, where?

Oh, what? What? Careful, Arnie, there are cubs in this forest, so be careful. And there's an animal war going on, so we just have to be really careful. Oh, true. I feel like you don't need to worry about the cubs right now. You don't? I don't know.

They could win against us at any time. I don't need to worry about the Cubs right now. You know, I don't know They could they could win against us at any time Make you think that they're gonna win against you. Sorry you sir. You were saying that they all fucked or something. Oh, no The original ghost asked them he's like, can you guys even as ghosts? Can you still can I still watch and they were like get out of here and they killed him Wait double dead double dead and so then he watched did then his double ghost watch Their guys right have we told you about being? Grabs the fork puts it under chin double dead no if you ever ever have the misfortune to be double dead, you have to

wander the sub-dimension searching for five red flags. It could be anywhere. It could be in a giant pie. It could slide down a big tongue and there's one of the flags in there Would you have to like look for? Prizes or clues and like a giant nose. Yes. You also have to shave balloons You know put the shaving cream on a balloon and she did yes Mm-hmm. Yep. Sometimes you have to pop balloons and see how much of whatever was inside you can get into your partner's bucket That's on their head. Uh-huh. It's really fu- It's fucked. It sounds like it.

Yeah. There's so many details in this ghost story. Yes, that's what it means. Oh, but that's not my ghost story. No. If you're a double dead, does it sometimes help to have your big brother there with you? Or your parents sometimes, if I remember correctly? I mean, yeah.

Oh, never mind. If you want a family double dead, but family No, that's so much work like a whole family double dead it's so much sadder because the whole family's there and you're like, uh and like Dad's making an ass of himself. You know I'm saying yeah Is it possible to be triple dead? That's stupid. Not yet. Not yet, Artie. Not yet. But here's my ghost story.

Mama, Mama, ta, ta, ta, ta, rosy tits. Oh, guitar. Oh, rosy. So does guitar. I'm gonna go pee in the woods, I'll be back. Watch out for bears. Why is he snubbing me? You sir, what do you mean?

He's not snubbing you, what do you mean? Oh, complaining about how I'm going to forget him even though he clearly wants to forget me. Having me, he sent me on that wild goose chase to find all those mushrooms, then he didn't even want them. Yes, he did do that. I think you're both being weird because you think the other person's being weird. Does that make sense? Right, but I come and buy it honestly.

Oh. Okay, then you're right. Then you're right, he is snubbing you, and we should... how do you want to handle this? Well, I did bring some makings for s'mores so we could have those as a dessert. Yeah, you brought makings for s'mores. If we first devour Arnie. What? I say we cook him and eat him. Arnie?

Wait, our Arnie? Yeah. Six foot six or whatever. Salmon polo? Oh, salmon vacante, salmon polo. What are we doing? Look, what are we doing here? If we're not gonna eat him now,

then when are we gonna eat him? You gotta be honest, you have to tell me, is this still part of your ghost story? You got me, Chunt. Ah, phew. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Don't you forget about pee. All right, I'm back.

Arnie, did you go pee just for that? I did, I did. Inie did you go pee just for that? I did I had to squeeze out a few drops just because it felt like I had this, you know It would land better if I really peed. Yeah, you'd sell it but wait, huh? Ah Arnie Turn around Very slowly. Okay to the left or to the right Doesn't matter doesn't matter. Okay, good the left or to the right? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

Okay, good. I'm turning. Oh, Ysodora! Oh no, oh no, oh no! Arnie, you have a giant timber leech on your back. A timber leech? Yes, a timber leech. It's going to be alright, Arnie.

Arnie, it's going to be okay. First of all, what are timber leeches? Do they suck wood? Arnie, now's not the. First of all, what are timber leeches? Do they suck wood? Arnie now's not the time to make me horny well, they're they're giant leeches that live in the woods hence the name timber leeches and they Steal your thoughts and your memories and a lot of your bodily fluids not just blood. What did you just say? Mm-hmm. Yes. What's my name? Oh I don't know You look familiar, but I feel like I've forgotten about you. Hey!

Oh, this is the worst timing. Get off of there! Get down! Get down! Get- hey, get down! No! No! Hey, put that back! Put that back where you found it! Put his memories back, then get the fuck out of here! Wait, what do you have in your mouth? What do you have in your mouth? What's in your mouth? Give it give it give it spin it I give you Sidor's name really you're gonna crawl off like we weren't gonna see that leech bad leech Get out of here

It's gonna take maybe 20 minutes for him to get out of here, but he is headed in the right direction So Arnie are you okay? I think so he's getting out of here but he is headed in the right direction so Arnie are you okay I think so he's getting out of here so slowly yeah yeah leeches should we eat him Arnie or the leech? the leech oh well no no the leech wait a minute Arnie didn't bring anything so in a way he's kind of leeching off our supplies Wow Wow what a what a great theme for this episode Okay, I'm gonna tell my ghost story Arnie news door Arnie what's his name? Usador you got it, okay? You said or you got it. Okay Lou look at what I'm wearing. Oh, yeah, you got it or the bird shit Yeah, well enough you guys make some smarts and I'm gonna tell my ghost story. Okay now

40 years ago on this very night a man walked into a restaurant and He ordered the special You guys wouldn't know this but the special that day was steak 16 ounces of prime seared steak It came to his table and he picked up his fork and knife and started to cut into the steak up his fork and knife and started to cut into the steak. And as he was cutting, his knife stopped.

Oh, no. Well, what is this? He said, I think you think by the time this is done, he's dead. Like the guy dies. So we don't know what he said. I say, you know, I'm saying, does that make sense? Yeah. Some of this, you're like piecing together clues Yes, take some poetic license. You're fine Right. Yeah. Yeah, it's like when people write books about like Stonehenge and they're like this is probably what happened, right?

And there's people talking it's like you weren't there. Does that make sense? Oh, yeah. We told you about Stonehenge No, what's Stonehenge? We don't have time. His knife stopped dead. What's this? He said. Maybe. And maybe. Yes, maybe.

Caviats, yes, yes, fine. Yeah, asterix. Asterix. Yeah. And he starts to pull away the beef. He pulls away all the meat. And as he pulls it away and rips it and ruins his steak that he hasn't even got to taste yet. Oh no.

Right there, in the center of his steak, his knife had come to a dead stop by hitting... ...a bone. Oh. Inside the steak? Yeah. Someone buried a body inside the steak yeah Someone buried a body inside the state Yeah, you've heard this one. No. I was just guessing sorry go ahead. Sorry, so The guys like what the fuck we think maybe maybe maybe yeah maybe but probably and he put he puts up his hand and

Nobody notices him so he kind of starts to snap And the waiter the waiter turns and sees him, but the waiter's like I don't I can't with this guy And so he keeps snapping and the waiter was there so the waiter would be able to say definitively well I assume the waiter confirmed the snapping but we don't know what he said before the snapping. So sorry, I should have said by the end of the story, the waiter dies. Oh, so we don't really know. Okay.

So we don't really know. All right. So the waiter's like, I can't with this guy today. And the guy's like, and then this is why all the characters talk sort of like you, right? What do you mean? Well, what do you mean? What do you mean? Well? What do you mean

That was six different people talking. Okay, so they just say the sort of things that you would say in that situation, huh? maybe Maybe I'm just a universal soul. I'm sorry. I'm just really drawn into this story I keep stopping it but it's mostly because I'm invested. Yes. Good. Good. Can I have five gold coin? But it's mostly because I invested yes good good can I have five gold coin? What why do you want for real? He said yeah? Yeah? Thank you. Okay, Arnie you want to invest in this story? Yeah Yes, I do actually I'm gonna now here's what you do once this story's done. You go tell it to two friends You'll make ten gold coin so the guys like snapping the wait the waiters like I can't today And then the guys like clearly he doesn't see me so the guy starts going excuse me excuse me while snapping a

Deadly combination the waiter finally holds up his finger with the number one as in like give me one minute Right and he starts to take the order Of a young newlywed couple They were the witnesses if you'd let me finish. I you'd know they die at the end shit So the newlywed couple is like we have a bad feeling about soup today and the waiter goes Well, then don't get the soup some of these assumptions about what they're saying I'm not sure I buy so then finally the waiter comes over to the original steak bone guy And says is there a problem and the steak bone guy says yeah, there's a problem

Someone buried a body in my stick It's like a big boom boom boom. Yeah. Wait. There's that sound? Huh? There's a ba ba boom? Yeah, I mean, ideally, at a moment like that.

In the restaurant? Yeah. Coming from what? Kind of a low register, kind of like a bo Yes. H. Like a war. Yeah. Yeah. And and the where goes, my goddesses, what have they done? And and because he because the waiter sees the bone

waiter drops dead. Customer is like, uh, and there's looking around frantically like like I hope no one thinks I did this and just to cover his bases He's like surely I will be you know suspect number one right takes his steak knife and Stabs himself right in the water and dies now the married couple Having been oblivious to all this going around them, starts

to eat their mozzarella wands, which is what they ordered. And they go, wouldn't it be romantic to start it? We each start at one end of a mozzarella wand and then meet in the middle for like some big kiss. Well, they never got to that kiss because the mozzarella, they will, they start chewing in each like half of there like a mozzarella one picture mozzarella one and it got bitten to those halves went down their throats and they choked no oh no I'm choking they said maybe oh no I'm choking be hard to say that while you're choking Arnie please they're like waiter please and what the waiters did and they're like, it's a waiter ignoring us. Like did we do something?

There's a way I just dropped dead for no Arnie the waiters dead the waiter saw the bone Did I not get to that part? Yeah, I know I drop the bone, but then he just the waiter dropped dead from steak bone What are you you tell the story Arnie? He might have said oh my god. I says they've done it or something like that Yeah, yeah, maybe so then so the Mary You tell the story Ernie. He might have said oh my god. This is they've done it or something like that. Yeah. Yeah Oh, yeah, maybe so then so the marriage Might have said oh my god. This is they've done it or something like that. Yeah. Yeah, oh, yeah, maybe So then so the married couple they choked to death Huh and

Little did they know can I Chunt before you finish? Should we each take a turn at guessing what the moral of the story is? Oh there has to be morals to secure a service Oh, I guess not. Oh I thought it was gonna be a little warnings. I feel like they should there should be a warning Warning always order the soup always You so you've heard it Arnie is that it? So you've heard it. Arnie.

Is that it? Did I get it? I didn't get a chance to guess. So the married couple dies. And then a voice says, always order the soup. We have to assume. That's the point. Wait.

We have to assume that there is a disembodied voice? Well, because everyone in the restaurant is dead, Arnie. Right. Because the cook left early. Did I say that? It was implied. Thank you. Because the waiter had to keep going back and making it anyone ever later tracked down the cook to find out what if

he knew anything about the body and steak yes they did but the cook unbeknownst to everyone was trying to win back his kids because he had gotten a messy divorce and so nobody knew about this how Nobody knew that this was the case? I think this will actually be pretty interesting. The guy was dressing up as a horse to be able to pick up his kids every day and play with them. And the ex-wife was like, I'll let my kids play with a horse

because it's just a horse. Sure. And he eventually won his kids back, got together with his wife, rekindled that romance, and then they died. Maybe. I don't, I actually, I haven't heard any updates. So wait, all this stuff with the chef is total speculation about maybe just guessing what

probably happened to the chef. Some people say that it might be true, Arnie, so That's good enough for me. So whenever you go if you see a horse Know that it's trying to reconnect with its kids It's just a man trying to win back his kids all horses Arnie every horse you've ever seen It's just a man trying to win back his what Grimhull. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah Oh a hundred percent all the other horses of ours that are still around somewhere must be Arnie You ever notice how the word horse is almost exactly like the word house And what is a house when a family's in it, but a home?

Hmm that explains why every time you would ride chode the horse would say hello Yes, I did teach him that. I thought it would just kind of be funny. Yeah. You know, just kind of, just kind of fun. Now Arnie, Chunt and I both brought s'mores makings. So we can have all sorts of s'mores. There's plenty for everyone.

Would you like to tell a story while Chunt and I make some s'mores for us to eat? Sure. Yeah, let me think if I know any good ghost stories. Okay, graham cracker. Graham cracker. Piece of chocolate. Piece of chocolate. Sardines.

Sardines. Another graham cracker. Another graham cracker. Then toss it into the fire. Ah! Into the fire? Yeah, I don't wanna eat that shit. Yeah. into the fire yeah I don't want to eat that shit okay it was a night much like

tonight only it was in space sort of cold but but sort of brisk you could still just sort of enjoy it and exactly everything is exactly like this, but it was in space. Hey wait. Oh, hey get out of here They get out of here get out of here get the get out of here. Sorry that timber leech turned around Started heading back forth. I it was a good Six to eight minutes away from getting anywhere near us, but I just noticed it changed directions. Thank you Yeah, it was scary moved like 15 degrees or something. Scary. Sorry, sorry. It was a night. It was a night. Just like this.

But on a space station. That was out in space. Then we got that looking for the event horizon. I am trying. It was a long time ago when I heard this ghost story So I already forgive me pretty fuzzy on the details I remember being pretty batshit crazy at the end though. I already forgive me. I'm just a simple shapeshifter. Mm-hmm Does space have a horizon?

Great question. It has an event horizon, which is if there's like an event anything like an event happening like it's the... Like a bat mitzvah? Yeah like as far as you can see of that event but here's the thing if you go through the event horizon or near it I think it goes to hell. How do you go through... wait I mean I guess you can go through an event but I guess I don't understand Okay, so Sam Neil so Sam run Sam jump good Sam Sam Neil turns into like a demon guy on a space station and now we're talking fuck

Oh when I started telling the story I was I find an hour type of fuck when I started telling the story I was I thought I'm There was any details that I remembered about event horizon a new story new story news. Okay new story This is Arnie this story sounds a lot like another story. You've told us it sounds very ood That was just for me Arnie new story give yourself a few deep breaths you sort I'm gonna make some smears Okay, make it a smear. Graham cracker.

Piece of chocolate. Sardines. Another piece of chocolate. Okay. Graham cracker. It was a night. And now put my hand in the fire, take the melted components and smear it on my face.

Yum. I guess I thought these were something we were gonna eat Why would you think that because all the ingredients are so yummy? Why would I put something on the end of a stick that I was going to eat? Good sticks are in the dirt They're gross Trent you want to know a fascinating true fact. Yes, please sticks start in the dirt. They're gross. Trent, you want to know a fascinating true fact? Yes, please. Sticks start in the air. And then they fall to the earth. And

they're covered in dirt. They're originally attached to trees. All right. It's just a fun fact that not a lot of people know. I have a fun fact. Did you know that logs are trees dicks? What? Next time you sit on a log,

keep in mind, you're probably sitting on a tree dick. Oh. Yeah, okay. It was a night. Okay. Much like tonight. Only it was in the woods. How is it not like tonight? Maybe it'd be easier to identify the parts

that weren't exactly the same. If it was it not like tonight? Maybe it'd be easier to identify the parts that weren't exactly the same It was just much like tonight Now keep in mind. I i've never heard this whole story. I've just heard the trailer for this story. So I don't have all the details Uh, it would I think it was in sort of a foresty area. Maybe it was colder. I think there was snow um, would it help if I went It might help No. Would it help if I went, booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo He it was it was his name is Thomas Jane. Okay, obviously we're not gonna win this with you Arnie just at least tell me was Thomas or Jane kneeling Okay There was it's called dreamcatcher and

Aliens come out of people's butts. Oh Okay, all right supposed to be crazy. So whoa Oh, okay. All right. It's supposed to be crazy. So Whoa? Wow, I never realized how good a story can be when you just say some things that are supposed to happen You just list some things and then you go it's supposed to be crazy. Yeah Let me try. I want to try this. Okay poison intrigue Two families. Yeah, it's supposed to be crazy. Oh

Oh, I want to watch that. Yeah, I want to hear that full story Let me try one. Okay in a world wait, but don't all stories take place in the world That seems like that seems like you're zooming out too far. Oh, the first one was in space. That's true All right, got you there about this. How about this in a town where everybody killed each other's face? Thought I had something there just move out people right just move yeah, am I crazy move You sir you got one sure Are you ready for the third installment in this hair-raising? series

We're each more terrifying than the last it's the final opportunity to see Thomas or Jane Dancing one last time covered in black goo Black goo um sorry you sorry is it crazy or is it supposed to be crazy? Hey, you sir. Sorry is this supposed to be crazy? Okay, oh You know what it is Thomas Thomas is in it not Jane. I Hardly understand what I'm saying. I say it was a night much like tonight only it took place in Halloween town and

Jack Skellington discovered Christmas Jack Skellington. He's a skeleton guy. He's the king of Halloween. I don't know all the details I mostly experienced this story through a shirt at Hot Topic, but it seems cool. I'm scared. Hold on. Hold on. I think we peaked. I think the sentence, I mostly experienced this story through a shirt and Hot Topic, I think that's our apex.

Boys night, motherfucker. Boys night, motherfucker! Boys night, motherfucker! Sorry, I said our apex. Sorry, Arnie, I think based on what you've told us, I think that's our capex. Oh, yes. Oh, it was a night. Much like tonight, only it happened in a mental health facility where a man thought he was an alien. And maybe he was, but I don't know.

I mostly know it as a cultural reference. Was he coming out of people's butts? where a man thought he was an alien and maybe he was but I don't I don't know I mostly know it is a cultural reference was he coming out of people's butts coming into people's butts yes we got him to say it we got him yes and all right we finally got Ernie to say we got another motherfucker another year starts and it's gonna be just like every other year. Arnie Trapp motherfuckers! Ain't that a treat for the ears? Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafide. Usador the Blue was played by Matt Young. This episode was produced by Matt Young. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer, Anna Hoverman. Special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgi. This episode was edited by Anna Hoverman. Logo by Allard Labonne, themed by Andy Poland. That's the kind of cozy ass content you only get on the Magic Tavern Patreon. Become a patron and support the show for just $5 per month.

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