Hello From The Magic Tavern - Patreon Unlock: Conversational Improv 2 (w/Erin Keif)

Episode Date: August 10, 2026

Enjoy this unlocked bonus episode from our Patreon! More pure improv goodness with the boys plus special guest Erin Keif!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampAdal: Adal RifaiMatt: Matt YoungErin: Erin KeifProducers: Matt YoungAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Matt Young and Sage G.C.New T-Shirts in the Merch Store!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I think this one might be a mistake. The date says this episode is from February of 2025 in your years. But this seems to be a recording of Arnie doing improv with his earth friends? Alas, you may have to listen to a full episode of improv comedy. We apologize, but take heart. We return next week, and you'll see how from such humble beginnings, Arnie is shaping up to be the greatest king, Northeasteria, as air seen. He's learned a lot at King's school, like how to wave and how to give holiday

speeches. Real King's stuff. Join us next week for the first episode of Hello from the Magic Tavern season six. But for now, I guess it's conversational improv. Placeholder theme song, placeholder theme song, we don't have a song because we didn't think ahead. I'm Matt Young and I'm singing this instead. theme song. Not. Hey, everyone, we're back to do just some off-the-cuff

improv. We did a conversational improv episode a few months ago. I think it went swimmingly. Arnie and Adel both told me behind the scenes that they thought I did a bad job, but that they did very well. Yeah.

Don't love this lie. We both said that separately, though. Yeah, they weren't, it was separately. They both told me, so I have to believe it's true. Yeah. And today our special guest is Aaron Keefe. Me. I'm going to do some off-the-cuff improv.

Normally I do the scripted stuff, but today I'm going to do some off-the-cuff improv. Yeah, I never know how to start this episode. So I just start talking and then stupid things like off-the-cuff improv come out of my mouth. There's got to be a theater in the U.S. somewhere called Off-the-Cuff improv. Right? Or a magic lounge called Off-the-Cuff. I will Google it. Yeah, we'll find out shortly here.

While Aaron's Googling, speaking of off-the-cuff Magic Lounge, how do we all feel about magic? I have mixed feelings about magic. I enjoy it as an audience member. I saw Penn & Teller in Vegas many years ago. It was a terrific show. I've seen some stuff at the Magic Lounge here in Chicago. very impressive. The whole magician vibe

Noto is my jam. I've met some nice magicians, but then there are other ones that I'm like, there's just something that is off in my mind. The fact that David Blaine dated Fiona Apple and then after they broke up, Fiona Apple like never left her house again, I think speaks volumes to the personality types of a magician.

It's his greatest trick. Yeah. I dated a magician and it was not my favorite. He's nice and he was very talented. But I think that there's something inherent. I hate to bring this up. But it's the same as like riddles where there's like an arrogance and there's like the enjoying the manipulating of people

that can be present in some magicians. But I recently went to the Magic Castle in Los Angeles and probably all the best magicians I've ever seen. Like unbelievable. The work and the hours. they spend into it. It's amazing. I feel like we're never going to get to scenes because I could talk about magic and magicians for 45 minutes straight.

When I was a kid, I loved magic. I would go to a little magic store that was in the back of like a hallmark store in my town and they would like show you little tricks and I'd buy like cheap little like fake magic decks and things like that. And then the way that it closed down, there was this horrible. tragic accident where a semi-truck got went out of control and crashed into the back of the store and like completely like like broke a hole through the wall. I don't think anyone in the store was heard.

I think the driver probably was. And they never reopened. But I do like to imagine him in the back showing a kid a simple little like five trick and then suddenly a semi just blows to the wall. And he stands there awkwardly, looks at the kid, looks at the truck, and then goes, ta-da. Yeah, a good recovery. Off the cuff comedy theater is in Cedar City, Utah.

Wow. They teach classes. Free plug. Improv 101. Improv 102, confidence building. Improv 103, listening and reacting. Where is it again? Cedar Rapid?

you said? We are listening and reacting. Utah or Utah. It's in Cedar City. Guys, hear me out. If we get our patrons to support us enough, do all four of us fly to Utah and sign up for classes. All the classes.

We just try to start our improv career over in Utah and see how we do. I think we do one episode of a Patreon, which it's the four of us one day, the first day of a level one. and it's just the full audio of like a three hour class. Okay, hear me out. We do all of those things you just said. And also, yes, and whoever gets, of the four of us, who gets to the top of their ecosystem first,

like gets on whatever their version of mainstages first, wins. You mean cufflinks? Yeah, exactly. How about, okay, just to complicate it, there's two winners, and those winners are the first and the last person. Okay. Okay. Yes and.

Yes and to all this. Yes and to all of this. But myself, Aaron and Matt are in Utah taking classes. Arnie is in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Great. I'm like, doing whatever. And I'll just be like, if these guys don't show up, then they're not going to win. And I'm just.

I think we talked about in an early Patreon episode, I think we talked about the three of us opening up an improv theater in Wyoming or something. That's not about right? Sounds very. It sounds like it would be very beautiful, the scenery at least. Yes. I think it would be an outdoor improv theater. The scene work, you mean?

Oh, yes. The scene work would be very, very beautiful, especially this time of year. There's eight different levels at this theater. Seems like a lot. And then there's other classes you can take as well. What is diagnostics? Oh, it's in identifying your strengths and targeting improvement points. Wow.

Wow. You know what guys? Maybe we should go. How much is each class? Let me loosen this. I got to get better. Let me see. I don't think it's listing.

I don't see. Wait, let me look. Do you think we could get a package deal for the four of us to take classes? I bet. I bet there's like a group sign up. Also, it's going to be so hard to do improv in Mormon territory and not start every scene with my wives.

Yeah, we're going to get kicked out fast. We know that Addo's either the top or the bottom. I'll get kicked out immediately and I'll be like, the other three there with me. We're spies. We're recording all of this. No, we're not with him. We don't know him. To be fair, in any improv class in the country, Adel would be kicked out for initiating my wives. Oh, absolutely. That's true.

Absolutely. Come on in. Enjoy yourselves. Look around. There's a cup and ball game there. There's some trick handcuffs. Feel free to test anything out you want to play with. Ask me any questions. Can I touch the tricks of the things I can touch and things I can't touch? Well, anything that's out on a felt table there is out for you to peruse and to sample for yourself. So just try anything out you like. If you're any questions, just feel free to ask. If it's on felt, I can feel it.

When is Mike the Magic showing up? He's supposed to teach a class. I hear he's a very young man, and you're an old man who is sort of usering us in here. That's correct. I'm a very elderly gentleman. And Mike shall be here any minute now. Don't you worry. Yeah, we all won to join this magic class, and we were told that whoever does the best in the magic class wins the magic factory.

That's right. There can only be one. I heard this Mike character, though, is like really problematic and, like, really messed up. Do anyone else hear that? Problematic, how? Yeah, like, he, like, oh, like, everything that you can be, right? Like, he steals from the poor to give to the wrist. Okay.

Like, sleazy, scummy. Yeah, like bad, bad, bad. He's not everybody's cup of tea, that's for sure. But I think you'll like it once you meet him. What about you? Did you have a question, little boy? Oh, I was just going to say, I read the Yelp reviews, and yeah, everyone thinks that Mike is a piece of shit.

And it looks like you have, your wrinkles look like makeup. I'm not sure what you mean. Sorry, I just don't have a filter. I'm so young. Yeah, I understand. I'm getting a phone call. Hello. I don't hear a phone.

I can see your home screen. I didn't, silent. I can see your home screen. Oh, you're sick, Mike? Okay, well... Sound like not to come. I heard that he shits his pants all the time. Okay, well, I'll tell them they're very disappointed.

You won't be here. I'm so sorry. You're all going to have to leave. Mike won't be coming to teach his class today after all. Oh, you teach it. Do you know Mike? I know Mike. So what does he do?

Well, the first thing he'd do is he would take these two rings. You see these two rings and they're intertwined and you can't pull them apart? Mm-hmm. Here, you take those rings. Can you pull those apart, young man? Oh, thank you. Bye-bye. Hi!

Oh shit. Was I the only one that made the mistake of touching one of the magic tricks? I'm sort of stuck here. Okay. Now try to pull those apart. No, I'm so weak. Yeah, you can't do it. And then, ta-da!

Like, I can tell you now that they're gone. I'm Mike. Yeah. I was going to tear off this makeup and stuff, but then they were talking about me and saying that I was a terrible person. Yeah, I know. I could kind of tell it was you because you shit your pants. I mean, an old man could shit as, it doesn't matter. Look, I've gotten a really bad reputation.

And it's kind of not my fault. It's just that I love magic and I love tricking people. So those two things don't always jive. People don't appreciate being fooled the way I think they should appreciate being fooled. They should enjoy the grandeur of it. They should enjoy the spectacle of it. They should enjoy the cleverness of it. So I've decided you're...

Hello, yes. I got divorced papers. I'm trying to serve to a mic. Yeah, that's me. That's me. I've been waiting for those. Yeah. It's good for you to not sort of draw it out.

Yeah. Well, I mean, who knows how many more of these are going to show up today? Dingling, ling, ling. Hello? I have a restraining order to serve to a... Mike? Yeah, that's me. That's fine.

Okay. It says here that you were at a bar and you reach behind a woman's ear and said, what's this? Oh, it's your phone number. Right. And it was her real phone number? I was trying to think of a clever way to, you know, meet her. And actually her friend had already given me the phone number. And it was kind of a blind date situation.

So she hadn't seen me before. So it was like, you know, it's a big misunderstanding. Oh, well, then let me just take this back. I'm so sorry I didn't know it was a misunderstanding. It's fine. I don't mind being restrained. It's something I deal with a lot in my career. That's not what this is.

What? I'm so sorry. A restraining order doesn't mean we, it means you can't go. Look, I have my own ball gags here and everything. So I'm cool with this. I'm totally fine. Gary, Gary, will you come into my office? How is the serving the rest of?

straining order. How did that go? Rough. I mean, just bad. Just every way it could go wrong. Occam's Razor? No. Murphy's Law. Murphy's Law. Gary, be honest with me. Did you start to get sarcastic with him? Yeah, he said it was a misunderstanding, which is what they all say. And then I go, oh, I didn't know it was a misunderstanding. Let me take it back. And he goes, that'd be great. And it was, I had actually taken it back because I thought, I thought it read. First of all, don't do that. Don't take it back. Literally, your whole job is to serve the papers. You're really good at that part. Thank you.

That's why we keep you on. You're really good at finding the person, serving the papers. Then you get pulled into like a long argument. You often take the papers back. Several times you've torn them up. You're usually there for three or four hours. I won't do it again. Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'll never do it again. Why did you swipe everything off the top of my table? I don't know. I got to get a desk Seine Oh brother Do we think that in real life Because in

Same Oh brother Do we think that in real life Because in TV and film I feel like people who serve What are they called? Waiters Waiters

Waiters and waitresses. I love the idea of like you're at a nice restaurant and you're like, can I get a vodka martini, the eggplant parmesan? And then could you tell my wife that we're getting divorced? I guess you're just an officer of the court, but is that a specific title? I don't know. I feel like that's a shitty job. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That would not be fun. No. I was curious in film and TV. I feel like they're always portrayed as like willing to go undercover or like just like really deep into sort of. They're dressed like chefs. They're like dressed in the most cartoonish thing. Yeah.

And I'm curious if in real life that's ever happened or if it's just mostly like I just have to corner you and then pull out a piece of paper and leave. I'm very non-confrontational. But I do feel like maybe it would be fun to do the part where you're like, Steve. And they say yes. And you go, you've been served. Like that, I feel like that switch probably is kind of satisfying to do. Yeah, but then right after that, you're a lightning rod for that person's frustration, anger. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. You're going to get a lot of abuse heaped upon you that moment later. What was the worst jobs that you guys had in terms of, like, enduring pain from the general public? And don't say magic tavern. Because that's low hanging for it. Yeah. I'd say Groupon customer support.

Oh, yeah, that'll do it. That will do it. Group on customer support will do it. That is a good answer. A customer base that is angry about what they've bought. Yeah. It was a lot of people looking for fights. And what was funny was someone would call and they'd be like,

I went to this eyebrow laser clinic and they like burnt my eyebrows and da-da-da. And I'd be like, oh my God, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. And I'd do something along the lines of like, I'm going to go ahead and refund this. to your credit card. It's a four-re refund to your credit card. And they go, no, no, no. I don't want Group on credit. And I go, I'm so sorry. I'm putting it to your credit card. And they go, no.

I want it back to my credit card. And I go, yes, your credit card. And they go, well, no, but it's the one ending. And I'm like, 3-208. And they're like, 3-208. Yeah. Okay. Like, they won a fight. What were the rest of the numbers? I'll say there's a two, a four at eight and nine a seven. But everyone calls wanting a fight. They don't.

Yeah. Yeah. They want to yell. Yes. What about you guys? The worst job I ever had was working in a microchip factory, a night shift. It was a clean room. So I had to, and there was like 12 hour shifts and I had to, they're called bunny suits.

It's like those like hazmat outfits that you see on TV with like a face mask and goggles and like booties. and just breathing into my face for 12 hours at a time and not being good at my job and then also like on break sitting there not being sure like if anyone in the room were the people that I worked right next to because I didn't read

because you didn't see anybody's face so that was pretty crazy earlier right It was so depressing. You're the shape of Carol, right? I also remember, like, someone coming up and introducing someone to me while we were in the lab or whatever. And he was like, hey, this is James, but we call him red. And the other guy was just like, yeah, because of my hair. But that's such a funny thing to hear when you can't see.

See the hair. See anything. Oh, my gosh. Matt, what about you? Gosh. It's so hard to pick just one. Maybe the hardest thing I ever had to do was work the overnight shift at a 24-hour Dairy Queen drive-thru.

We're all like wincing at each other's answers. In my hometown when, you know, and it was like, I think it was 11 to 7, and you would like, it'd be dead, dead, dead. dead dead and then bars would let out people would show up stoned pretty early in the morning and they'd order like they'd be like ah we want eight banana splits you'd be like okay man sure you make a blizzard out of french fry so you start you start just cranking out banana splits and you're like handing them to them and they're like oh man my first banana split melt and I'm like yeah you ordered eight of them and there's like two people in here so i don't know what

you want. Oh man. A blizzard made out of French fries is something that a joke that only someone who's been violently high before because that is out right in the pocket. Aaron, what about you? Yeah.

I did, I worked at Nordstrom and my two worst jobs was I worked for a really rich family in Chicago as their nanny and then I worked at Nordstrom for forever in like college and a little after. In dealing with rich people is the worst job.

Dealing with the general public can be good in a lot of different contexts, but dealing with rich people is hell on earth. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Can you say what they did for a little bit? Oh, I mean, um, at Nordstrom people like would throw stuff at me. People would, uh, Nordstrom has a super lax, uh, return policy that they're very famous for. Like, uh, they took tie like there was a, when they first opened, they took over this tire store their building did.

And a woman came back to try to return tires to the tire store and they took the return. And then she became like a customer for life. So in the staff room of every Nordstrom, there's like a tire of like, you should focus on customer service, which is good in theory. But then also your paycheck takes a hit anytime

anyone returns anything. So that sucks. And then people are lunatics with this return policy. People would look to me dead in the eye and try to return pants from the fucking gap that say gap on the jeans and they're like you're supposed to take any kind of return and it's a fucking rich lady and you're like that's insane you want me to give you a hundred and something

dollars for these jeans you bought three years ago that's so mean and manipulative but cool people poor people I would do that all the time but for the rich people I was like no no no no and then it would come out of your pay it would come out of my pay which I was like you you sort of factor that in for some of it, but I'm like, but how does that incentivize you to do, it doesn't that incentivize you to do poor customer service? Oh, sorry, it would only come out of my pay if I had sold the original item. I see. But if you take too many returns, then it can, I think, come out of your pay as well. Okay. Okay. Because they don't want you like besting the system and having people bring in stuff. Yeah, yeah. Because that would be wild to be like, we encourage you,

this tire is a symbol of like, be the customer's best friend. And then they're like, of course, we're taking this directly out of your paycheck. That's insane behavior. But every break room has a tire and also a pair of pants from the gap to remind you not to take back. Pay that's from other stores. Thank you for calling Groupon customer service. My name is Marie. How can I help you?

Hi, Marie. How are you today? I'm very well. Thank you so much for asking. How can I help you? Well, I'm sorry to say I had kind of a bad experience at the Groupon that I bought. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Can you tell me a little bit more about what happened? Yeah, I bought the three-for-one party trip where you go first to a bar and then to a shooting range and then back to a bar.

Ooh, okay. I already see a problem. I think. I think you got the order wrong. I think it's supposed to be shooting and then bar bar. I don't think I got it wrong because the bus took me to a bar shooting range. We got back on the bus with all of our guns and went back to the bar. Okay. I'm actually, I feel like right now I'm filling in the blanks when I should just be listening. What happened?

Maybe it's sort of an issue with like payment or something. Okay. So we go to the first bar. have a lunch for us and a cocktail. And it was all complimentary. And I left a nice tip. So I understand that those people aren't just, you know, the Groupon isn't paying for their tips, obviously.

We go to the shooting range. We all get our guns. We all, you know, fire at the targets. It's a good time. You know, I never fired a gun before. It was very exhilarating. We pack up our guns. We get back on the bus.

We go to the third location, which is another bar. and they're out of red wine. Okay. This is actually really good news. They were out of red wine. Sorry. I'm just, think about how odd.

And I, and that is so serious, and that is so did serious. But think about, from my perspective, I'm sort of doing an exhale right now because the way you set up your story, I mean alcohol,

guns and alcohol, beer before liquor, never been sicker, guns in between alcohol, recipe for disaster. So this red wine is, I only drink red wine. And good for you, and I love that.

Heart healthy. That's fantastic. I got there and there was no red wine. There was no option for red wine. I had to have a Shirley Temple because I can't drink white wine. It makes me vomit. Oh, okay. Well, what I can do is give you a coupon for a coupon.

A coupon for a groupon. Yeah, so that'll give you 5% off the next coupon that you buy, but it has to be within the next. I'm sorry. I have to take this other call. Oh, yours too. Okay. Who should take it? You go first.

It makes more sense, I guess, if I take it. Hi, thank you for calling Groupon customer service. My name is Marie. How can I help you? Hello, my name is Robert. Hi, Robert. I feel like you might have called before. I have two problems.

Yep. One. I bought a coupon. Ah, ha. Sorry. Sorry, that's effective. I'm so sorry. Please.

I'm so sorry. I'm a little tired. Sorry. It's a Monday. The first problem. I bought a groupon for eternal life. But I did not read the fine print. Yeah.

Aternal life is a foot spa. Oh, yes. Well, I was going to say I would have been fine with that. But what I got was a terrible thirst for human blood. Oh, no. Wait, so you didn't talk like this before? I did not talk like this. Is it that noticeable? Okay. Oh, shit. It's so much worse than I thought.

Let me think, let me think, let me think. You know what? Here's a coupon for a coupon. You got to use it with the next 20 minutes. It sounds like you have another call. I just want to say my second. Is that my second problem is I bought a coupon for a bar and a gun show at a bar. And that it did not make any sense. But I'll take the problem. I'll call back later. Okay, call back. All right. Thank you for calling Groupon customer service. My name's Marie. Thank you for you for you. Jennifer?

Jennifer? Jennifer, is that you? No. My name is Jen... It's you. Jennifer? No. You got fired fair and square.

No. No, I did not. Yes. Are you calling to complain about that? Are you calling to do a fake complaint and waste my time? I bought a Groupon for... You not being a bitch. And I need to return it.

Oh, that's interesting. Oh, let me speak to your manager. Oh, I did have a manager and her name was Jennifer and she got fired because she's the worst. I'm so sorry. Who took my job? Who's the new manager? Is it you? Oh, let me, you want to speak to my manager?

Give me one second. You can't hear shit, Jennifer. Hi, it's Marie, the manager here at Groupon Customer Service. How can I help you today? Listen, whatever's going to be. going on between us in terms of resentment or hatred, all I'm asking you is to not flirt with I know he sits two tables down from you and he and I were on to something. So I would appreciate if you gave us some space. Unfortunately, the only thing I can offer you is a coupon for a

coupon. But you have to use it in the next 10 seconds. Or do they apply? I'll take it. No, I'll take Andrew, stop. Andrew, stop. What's he doing? What's he doing? Talking about me? Stop. No, that's not even funny. Come on, babe.

Is he pinching my butt? He's pitching your butt? Is that your question? Jennifer, are you serious? Is that Jennifer? No. I'm drunk, okay, in my sandals, and I'm on foot. It's a vampire, okay?

Okay. Okay. Let's get wings after this. We should. We should get wings after this. I was just about to say that, babe. You and I have a mind mouth. See.

Hello? Hello? Is there anyone? Sorry, I've just been standing at this, or in my car. I'm in my car, and I'm at the Dairy Queen. Yeah, what would you like, what would you like to order? Oh, God, that's making me emotional to hear you even. I understand. Wow, what do I want to order? Fellas, what do we think? Mr. Misty Float? Mr. Misty, Missy, Missy Floy.

What flavor? Blue raspberry. Blue raspberry. Blue raspberry, please. Okay, what size? Large. Big. Big. A big one. And do you have any hot dogs that my grandma makes?

You know the hot dogs my grandma made when I was little? Oh, this is so good. We just have the hot dogs that we make. Are they like my grandmas? I'm sure she was great. How do you get the job? Troy, what do you want? I want her grandma back?

Why do you just pull around? the window. No, no, we have so much more to order. Oh my God. You think that was it? Okay. Okay, okay. Um, oh God. Hot eats, cool treats. Hot eats cool treats. It rhymes. I feel like Mozart, when he sits down in his piano and he's about to make a great work of art, but instead it's a feast that I'm about to build. Hang on one second. Who were you yelling? What was that? I'm sorry? Oh, shit. You heard that? Yeah. I just have this weird intuition that Your grandma's still alive, and she's in there. Is this like a modern Little Red Ridinghood situation?

What? What does it even mean? I follow what you're saying. You think that my... He's a wolf dressed like my grandmother. And we have teeth and eyes. What big teeth we have. Mm-hmm.

All right, I'm just going to bring you up for the Mr. Misty Flood. Cheese fries. Cheese fries. Cheese fries. Okay, cheese fries. As many as you can carry. But more fries than... cheese. We'll take the lot.

As many as I can carry. We'll take the lot. You'll take the lot. Okay. Get all the fries in the friar, I guess. I'm looking at the menu on the order board, and Undead Grandma is on the board. It's on there. If my grandmother is in there,

you tell her that I want a hot dog right now. Get back in the kitchen and make a fucking hot dog. You don't want the grandma so much as you want the hot dogs at the grandma. used to make. She's amazing, but I want a hot dog.

She's making a hot dog. We're not going to call the cops. We don't want trouble. We just want the hot dogs her grandma makes. And also, get two things that you can melt cheese in between. Yes. And give us like 40 of those. Oh, and your chicken tender basket with gravy.

Oh, wow. Okay. Um-nam-n-n-n-num. You marge, blue raspberry, Mr. Misty float. Yeah, read it all back. You want a chicken tender basket with gravy. and you want cheese as many as you can get. And grandma's hot dogs.

And grandma's, grandma's making a hot dog. Could we also order, I know this is not on the menu, like, after we're gone, like, as we're driving away, her grandma will stand at the window and wave at us and just keep waving until our car is completely out of sight? Yeah, out of sight. Yeah, why is that an option on, like, the little screen, it actually populated? That's awesome. Do you want dipped grandma?

Yeah, yeah. Hot chocolate, half vanilla? Half chocolate, have vanilla? And then can you hold grandma upside down just to, you? To prove it. To prove it. I'll prove that she isn't going to fall out of there. Can you put those candy googly eyes on Kramont?

Yeah. Can we also pay for the car that already took off in front of us? Please. Will you track them down and refund their money? Big Mac. Frosty. I'll make it Big Mac. Pappagino's pizza.

We'll make it. We've got some pizza in here. We can whip that up. I have a question. What's your question? Why is... Sorry, why is Dairy Queen's mascot, Dennis the Menace? but then they never lean into it.

Don't ask. You just like, well, sometimes you're being so rude. You're being so rude. No, but I've had it with this. I've had it with this. Sometimes you go to Derry Quinn and there's a Dennis the Menace. But they never lean into it. They never mention him.

What is going on? Something should always be unspoken. I'm crazy. You guys. I can tell you. You guys. I just realized we pulled up to a bank. This guy's fucking with us.

Oh, shit. He knows we're high. He's fucking with us. Your grandma is in there. No, I think he must be messing with us. Hey, man, fuck you. Oh, no. I put my wallet into a pneumatic tube.

Could you send it back? Send it back. Send it back. Send it back. Send it back. That's a bad way to pay regardless of where we are. Seen. I just told a story recently about one of those big tubes.

This past Thanksgiving, regardless of where we are. Seen. I just told a story recently about one of those big tubes. This past Thanksgiving, all my cousins and I, we finally had the conversation, who's been arrested? Oh. I won't name names, but we're about a solid 60% of us have been arrested. Wow.

And there's 13 of us, and I think that's actually pretty good. It's pretty high. Boston Trash, I feel like I was expecting some higher numbers. We're not going to name names, but one of the people that had been arrested, their name rhymed with barren beef. Yeah, well, we talked about near Mississippi. And one of my near misses that is my favorite one is I was at a party in high school that got the cops came. But I was luckily on a back porch when it happened. And two of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life happened as I was running away from this party.

One, a track star in my grade took off running so fast. But he did not see a chain link fence. And I've never seen a wipeout like that before. He flipped over the fence because it was like. like chest height. Oh, no. Landed on his back, full wind knocked out of him. But the fence had clasped onto his shirt and ripped it perfectly down the middle.

So it looked like a vest. So he just like at the ground be like, ah! So immediately that's so funny. But I'm hopping fences in my hometown being like, this is why I don't go to parties. I'm an idiot. I'm not going to be allowed to be in the school play. They're going to catch me. And I'm crying and hopping fences.

and I finally get to like our downtown area, pop the final fence, and I'm at a bank. In one of my high school best friends, who I saw last week, had managed to hop all of the fences I did way faster than me and still holding a full beer. And he is so like little kid blackout drunk.

Like in a way that only a 17-year-old can be, he is walking up to the bank and he's trying to put his beer up the sucky tube. And I was like, There's never been more cameras anywhere than that a big. What are you doing? You managed to get away. First of all, how did you beat me? I was so upset.

But I'm trying to put that beer up that sucky tube. One of the funniest thing I've ever seen. That rules. Also, I will never not call it a sucky tube from now. It's a sucky tube. A sucky tube. When was this approximately? Like, what year would you say?

This would have been 2009, maybe. Yeah. Maybe 2008. Wow. So by now, that, Beer has probably accumulated a lot of interest. Yeah. Yeah, now it's a keg, if you could believe it.

That's so stupid. Even for me, that was not funny. That's not a good joke. Matt or Ernie, have you ever come close to being arrested? I don't think I have, actually. I know. I can't think of a situation where I would have been. I've been pulled over for speeding.

That's about it. Sure. Yeah, similar to air, and I've had like, been at parties in college where I had to like run away and stuff. But there was never too much of a real threat. Like I didn't even really run that fast. That's most of it. Yeah.

I will say though, sort of tangentially related to this. And this was also one of my bad jobs. When I was in high school maybe, late high school, I had a summer job delivering dry cleaning. And one of the places I had to deliver it to was like the highway patrol. And it's so weird, like, I would just walk into the locker room of the State Highway Patrol, like, easily. Like, I didn't even have to, like, confirm with anybody. And it just always felt so forbidden, like, can I just walk in here with this bag of laundry? But then also, once I left the van running, and I came out and cops had moved the van, like, to teach me a lesson, basically, not to leave the keys in the van.

I'm really excited to have you here today, team. selling mutual funds is not just about making money for us. It's not just about making money for our clients. It is about investing in people's futures. People's futures. It's allowing them to create the life they want to have for themselves. You are enabling them to have the life they always dreamed of. Let's go.

Let's go. Yeah. Aaron, I love that attitude. Thank you. you. Fuck yeah. Let's make mutual funs mutually fun. Well, that is great. Someone write that down on the board. Tim, you don't seem...

Wait, guys, shh, shh, quiet. I think the cops are here. What do you mean? We're not, we're not supposed to have a seminar. We're not supposed to be doing this seminar. We're not supposed to be doing this seminar right now. Everybody be cool. Turn off the lights. Turn off the lights.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm 26. I can't do... I can't get caught up 26. Oh my God. Oh my God. They're knocking. They're knocking. Annie, Annie, answer it, answer it. What, me? Okay, um... We know you're in there.

Okay, hold on, I got this, I got this. Everyone, hide, hide, hide, okay. Oh, my goodness. Hi, how can I help you? We got some reports from neighbors that there was some mutual fund activity happening in this building. Oh, no, we are... I mean, me, I was dead asleep when you knocked on the door. It's four o'clock in the afternoon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Tuesday. Diversify, pig! Oh, shit. Sorry. Sorry. Ma'am, you are under arrest. No, no, sorry. That was a sneeze.

Oh. I sneezed. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I've done this before. I've made this mistake before. Yeah, and you know, I'm sure you have a lot going on. There's all those white-collar guys downtown buying and trading and all that stuff.

You probably got to go keep an eye on that because that's worse. for the economy, huh, than anything that we're doing here. Yeah. Which is nothing, mostly. We're mostly just drinking beer playing beer pong. Great. Yeah, yeah. Drugs, of course.

Yeah, I lost the drugs. It's time for me to get Berkshire Hathaway. Runs past the car. Hold on. I heard that. What's going on in there? Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. Nothing. We're truly, we are getting high and watching planet Earth.

We are drinking, we're crying, we're breaking up, we're getting back together. The North American quail does its dance, hoping that a female will see it and be impressed. Come on, everyone, come on, yeah, yeah, come on. The dolphin likes to swim in a circle. Ma'am, you're standing in the door. If you start, you can't just start doing a voice, pretending you're a part of the documentary when I'm right here.

Oh, right, right, that's fine. The dolphin likes to swim in a circle to attract him mate. It's good. You know what was me? Yeah, I'm going to shoot you. Yeah, you should. A scene.

I went to a lot of parties in high school and college. Yeah, sorry. Prove it. In high school and college, you know, I went to a lot of like theater parties, which never, ever got, I never ran away from a party. Like, that wasn't, just wasn't part of it.

Must be nice. The most annoying thing that happened was, like, people just started, like, singing rent, and then people just left. And then people just left. The very first party I ever went to in college was a theater party. Yep. And I walked in, and it was like, I was like, oh, this is kind of fun. And then someone, like, changed the CDs.

And suddenly everyone went, 500, 26,000. And I had never heard rent before. and I'm like, what is happening? And as I walked around, every single person was singing it. And I remember being like, I got to get out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's terrifying. It's terrifying. And it kills a party. Yes. Like, it's the best way to ensure that I don't know. They just... Well, people are putting like a finger up to their ear

and doing like runs, like Christine Havula runs. And it becomes a thing of like, oh, they're all like trying to compete for like who... I think the funniest thing about to me is it's so countering. counterintuitive because everybody's like, we're going to let it rip now. We're all going to sing this song.

And then the other half of the party is like, oh, fuck it, we got to go. And then there's half a party left. And the song's over. And they're like, I guess we get another marks. I was definitely part of a let it rip crowd. Wow. I was going to ask, how often would you start singing at parties? I'd probably always let it rip.

I'd probably still, if you guys wanted to sing rent at a party with me, it was sort of a lot. Can I quickly, I know we're trying to wrap up, but can I quickly tell you what was truly my villain origin story. The first high school party ever really went to was a cast party after a show. And we went to this guy's house and his mom

was like a single mom and like a nurse. And it had been made clear to me that she was stretched a little thin. So I was already a little weary that we were partying at her house. And she was just like, I'm so sorry to interrupt. I just love the idea of you walking to a party being like, hey guys, thanks for coming to my party. Before the party starts, just so you know, my mom's a single mom.

She stretched a little thin. Well, I just knew from context. Yeah, you just know other kids. And all she had asked is if that we didn't leave the house, like would cause any damage or leave the house a mess. Because she was like, I'm having people over tomorrow. Please, I don't. I'm about to go to my night shift.

I don't want to have to clean. And I was like, yes, ma'am, we will drink and have fun. And then what happened is we're a bunch of fucking children who are drinking. And everyone started throwing up in the toilet in their old Massachusetts house. And so the whole first floor where the toilet was started to flood in a crazy way. Like three inches of water all over the house. And I'm anxious and I'm going, I can't go down. I can't, I will not rest.

I spent four and a half hours upstairs away from the rest of the party after having one beer cleaning and mopping up going through rolls of toilet paper, getting cups and scooping up the sewage and bringing it outside. and I go down and the boy I like was cuddling next to my best friend and everyone was asleep. And I was like, this is, everything's about to change. I'm about to be a monster. And now I sing Rent at parties to hurt people, because hurt people hurt people. You've earned it.

Aaron, you've earned it. It's fine. Everything got worse after that, so it's fine. Aaron, to end this episode, would you want to sing some of Rent? Yeah, any requests? I don't know any of the songs from Rent except for I've actually never seen Rent. What's the best one? Is it the number song or is there a secretly a better song?

Love, Lebohem. My favorite song is the, Got a light. I know you. You're shivering. It's nothing they turned up my heat. Do you know what I'm talking about? Everyone's leaving.

They're leaving the podcast. Bye. What do you mean? You guys, it's a fun party. Look, I'm sorry. We're just stretched a little thin. Flesh toilet, overflow.

Clean it up, Aaron. Thank you. I got it. Abrupt ending. I have protected us, dear listeners. Throughout this season break, and I shan't falter now. Stand behind me one last time

as I bear the brunt of this mystical podcast of fluvium. This episode was produced by Matt Young with post-production coordination by Garrett. Associate producer Anna Havriman. This episode was edited by Red Kina. Magic Tavern logo by Alan Laban with a theme song by Matt Young and Sage G.C. We've done it.

We've made it through the break. Beginning next week, you'll hear new episodes of Hello from the Magic Tavern on Mondays. But you could also be getting two additional episodes each month by going to Hello from the magic tavern.com or patreon.com slash magic tavern to become a patron. Members of our Patreon, get those bonus episodes, plus the full

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