Hello From The Magic Tavern - Patreon Unlock: Fooniverse: Joke-a-Day Calendar

Episode Date: June 29, 2026

Enjoy this unlocked bonus episode from our Patreon! What's a surefire recipe for a successful episode? Leaning on humor from a Joke-A-Day calendar!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Use code OFFICE to save 70% on your first month of support. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Credits:Arnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungProducers: Matt YoungAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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And we hope you join us on the Investing for Beginners podcast. On the Investing for Beginners podcast. Hi, I'm Gustavo Sorolla. And if you love D&D style adventures full of humor and heart, you should check out Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Tales from the Stinky Dragon is a cinematic listening experience complete with guest performances from professional voice actors and comedians, immersive sound design,

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No matter where you decide to start listening, you're guaranteed to have a side-splitting journey that's fun for all ages and perfect for both D&D veterans and newcomers alike. Just search for Tales from a Stinky Dragon, wherever you listen to podcast and subscribe today. Hey, I'm Ike Barronholz. On my new show, Funny You Ask, trivia starts the conversation, and then things immediately go off the rails. I ask a question. My guests think they know the answer.

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on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Hello, thank you. Well, that was chunch. You. You just missed him. He was helping me with an update from Arnie. What's it say here? King Arnie is busy this week, learning how to hold his scepter at King's School. Anyway, I'm here to introduce our newly unpaywalled episode from Patreon. This is the last week to save 70% off your first month of Patreon.

I'll tell you how, after the episode. But once you join, you'll be able to enjoy offices and bosses, season five, all past seasons of O&B in over 100 bonus episodes with two new episodes every month even during this season break. But speaking of breaks, let's take one from offices

and bosses and enjoy this joke-a-day calendar episode as much as such a thing can be enjoyed. Patreon, Patreon, is that what we said do we do now? at the beginning of these instead of Patreon motherfuckers?

Now isn't it? Patreon, Patreon, Patreon. Patreon, Patreon. Arnie, are you okay? I don't know. As I was talking, I did feel like something like I was unwell. I heard a snap. In my brain? I don't know. I just heard a snap. I don't know what it was.

Patreon, Patreon. Pizza, pizza. Ooh, I'll take a... Ooh, what do I want, what I want? Rooster feet. Maybe some... pig snout, fuckface, jelly beans, and

ketchup. All right, I'll put in that order. It'll be ready by the end of the episode. Sorry, sorry, I set up this gallum of myself. It's a gallum of myself that just says Patreon a couple of times. Patreon, Patreon. Yeah, get out of here. I'm going to melt it in front of us all.

Where did you should keep it? Oh, fuck. Oh, it was having a little seizure. And then it exploded. Oh, little seizure, I'll miss little seizure. Oh, man. Nothing sadder than a little seizure. Oh, man. But you should have kept that gallum around because then we could just cart it out at the beginning of every Patreon episode, just to say Patreon, Patreon, Patreon.

Well, do you want me to just make a little one that'll fit in your pocket? Ooh. On my pocket. That's weird. No, that's where it should go. Dingle thy insure but die for Katalintach. What the f? Fuck?

And in honor of the beginning of that spell, I'm going to name this little Yusador Dingl Thigh. Oh, that's fine. Patreon, Patreon. Thank you, Dingle Thye. Yasser, will you, let's see what's on the table here? Oh, will you take this piece of bread and will you make it like crazy bread? Sure, I can make that crazy red. Yeah, like this bread will do anything.

Okay, let me see. I've been learning some new spells. Yeah, sounds like it. Sounds like you noticed. Cuc-a-da-doo! Yeah, we have things We're going to do for this episode, but maybe is this the episode?

Usador's new spells? Oh, the piece of bread's just doing knuckle push-ups. I guess that's crazy. I guess that's kind of crazy. It's preparing for something. Ugh. All right, I'm going to put Dinglefy in this little jar. This is a jar I used to keep my talking pinky in,

so this will just be... Bigger really? Oh, yeah. I don't know where that pinky went. I think Genilevia maybe has my pinky. Oh, that can't be good. Yeah. All our horses are somewhere.

I'm going to put this crazy braid in my pocket. All right. Ready to start the app. Still doing push-ups? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So, guys, I came up with the most exciting thing we could possibly do during a Patreon episode. Ooh, give each other tattoos.

Take a bath together. Oh, take a bath together while tattooing each other. That will, can be, you know, if we get enough new Patreon, We'll put that on the schedule. Oh, oh, oh, chat, chat, taking a bat, together, while giving each other tattoos and wearing a Batman hat.

Val Kilmer's Batman hat. Oh, Arnie, can we? Can we, Kimmer's Batman hat? Yes, now I'm out. Arnie. What do you have against Val Kilmer's Batman? I don't know. I mean, I actually am one of the few people

that prefers George Clooney's Batman. That's what you always say. You always say Chris Hoddle was the best Robin. Yep, that's exactly what I say. Who's he competing? with again? Anybody? I don't know. This is from your world. That's true. Well, speaking of my world, look at this.

This is an Earth thing. I have a joke a day calendar from Earth. We're finally going to... Joseph Gordon Levitt. What? I don't think, go ahead. We are finally going to explore comedy on the podcast. Oh. Whoa.

Only one joke a day? That seems like too little. Well, we're going to do, we're going to blaze through the days, really, which is my new slug. Oh, nice. Let me roll up the fatty. We're going to blaze. Use it or. Use it or take a bath. Oh, hi, buddy.

We take a bath while tattooing each other while wearing Valcimer's Batman hat while we blaze up the day. Sounds good to me. Be careful, though, Chun. If you're blazing up the day, that almost always is how you end up with a little seizure. Like, that's always how you end up making that choice. I made my hot tub and all lying at it. So on my world, I don't know, do you have, I know you have calendars of some sort in Fune, but do you have like novelty gift calendars where it's just like a total waste of paper

where every day you rip off a page with that day with maybe like a fact or like a Dilbert some bullshit or like a joke? Well, I have a magical gem that if I, it's pure. into it, it tells me what day of the week it is and what month it is and what year it is. And if I stare at it long enough, it makes me question the entire nature of existence.

We don't have dildo calendars or whatever you said earlier. That's a good idea. But we do have like prank sundials. So a prank sundial is like every time it's a new day, you kind of turn to sundial and it will randomly contact someone in Fune.

And you can sort of like, what we call is prank sundial them and you can kind of like fuck with them and like do bits and have some fun. Oh wow. But you can also maybe tell time with it. Oh yeah, any sundial will tell you the time.

Yeah. Pretty much, yeah. Okay. Yes, there was some dried meat that was very fond of making those prank calls. Was it just one piece of dried meat? No, there were multiple young gentlemen made of dragged meat

that would make those calls. The jerky boys. Yeah, the jerky boys. Now, is there a half a half? Was there a healthier duo? Wasn't there the turkey jerky boys? There are the turkey jerky boys. There's the veggie ladies.

What else? The Tofurkey Smirkees. The Tofurkey's so smug. We got to get them on. We got to get them on. Orny, if you want any other sort of like joke, funny stuff, you should go see. There's a warlock who lives in Foon. You don't see him a lot, but he has a shop.

The Warlock's name is The Warlock. great Spencer and Spencer you go into his cave and he has oh lights of black and titty posters and okay penis shaped gruel um just all kinds of fun stuff like that penis shaped gruel yeah so it's like gruel but when you take your spoon and dip into it it's there's little penises in it and they're kind of wiggling oh penis is in the gruel yeah but the girl itself is also the oats The oats themselves have been formed into the shapes of penises. Yeah, they're like edible wizard cloaks and wands that are like a penis, like a penis wand. And can you get like a fake ID that names you like a Foonish breast inspector?

How did you know? Just a guess. Arnie, have you been looking through my FBI apparel? My Foonish breast inspector apparel? Here's the thing, you should go to jail. Well, if the FBI ever catches me. Sure, absolutely. Now, guys, I know what we're talking about

is incredible and interesting, but I'm going to talk about something even more interesting. A joke of the day calendar. And this is actually an embarrassment of riches because apparently this calendar isn't even a joke of the day. It's multiple jokes of the day. Oh. Whoa.

Arnie, don't be embarrassed to be rich. Well, you know all that Patreon money. I'm rolling in it, baby. Now, Arnie, as I understand, you have a comedy background, which you've never used on our show, since this is hard-hitting journalism. So I'm so curious to hear your point of view on these jokes.

Yeah, I, you know, I've got a pretty refined taste when it comes to jokes. Pretty refined taste, actually, now that I think about it. Love puns. All right. So I would like to hear, like, what you guys think of this. And also, you know, off-mic, you guys are really fun. Like, we hang out and we joke around. I know you guys have a sense of humor that isn't really represented on the podcast.

So maybe you can help, like, maybe we can see if we can come up with jokes that are as good as the ones in this calendar. Oh, yeah. Okay, that sounds fun. And, Arnie, I am taking notes just because I want to be studious about this. Did you say it's joke of the day or joke oh the day? What are the two options? Was it joke of the day or joke oh the day? Like, O, apostrophe.

F or apostrophe. are options. Well, who really got hung up on this layup? Didn't think this would be this difficult. Well, let's bring the episode to a halt to figure this out. Huh. Hmm, guys, this is what happens when I try to do comedy. Sure.

Well, I'll stop dissecting this frog here. I know. I should have, I should have just been able to deal with that. I should have been able to just like Joko cruise through what you were talking. about, but I just couldn't quite do it. Next time, next time. Maybe next time.

All right. January 1st, the beginning of the year. Oh, that's good. That's good one now. That is good. Here's the joke. Oh. Question.

No. Question but said as a statement. Arnie, that's funny. What kind of car does Mickey Mouse drive? I don't know who Mickey Mouse is, but I know you have a. a car. And your car is a Oh, I haven't seen it in a while.

I want to say it's a Honda Odyssey? It's a Toyota Camry and it's been destroyed long ago. But there are pieces of it still around Foon, I think. Some people worship parts of it. I assume this is one of Momo's siblings.

So I think it would have to be a car with a truck's strength. Oh, yes, that's great. Sort of like a semi-car. Look, this one is just, this is one you guys aren't going to get, because this is very earthbound. What kind of car does Mickey Mouse drive a minivan? Okay.

Mini is Mickey's longtime girlfriend. Okay. Well, I guess a mouse would drive a mini van because mini in our world means small, but that doesn't explain the girlfriend. All right. The year's not off to a great start, but here's another one from January 1st. Now hold on, hold on. what kind of cart would Momo the mouse

drive? Um, a MoMo van? No, that's not bad. I do know that the engine would go like Ha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. That's true. Or an Oldsmobile? I like that, but don't know why.

Don't tell her, I called her an Oldsmobo. Oh, she chuck you out. Arnie, um, point of business. You said January 1st and then you said a joke. Now you're saying also January 1st, I thought this was a joke of or oh the day. You're not wrong. Look, here there are three jokes every day.

So I don't know. So those are more jokes, oh, the day. They should have probably just picked the best one. Maybe I'll pick the best one from every day. Let me move to January 2nd. Give me a moment. Talk amongst yourself while I read these three jokes to myself. I just wondering if you had to write a joke of the day.

day calendar, which day would you pick? Ooh. Which day? I guess I would pick today. That's a good choice. Yeah. I would pick Flearn's Day. And I would always write a joke for Flearn's Day. And it would probably go something like how many wizards

does it take to change a mystical gem out of an amulet? Oh, I think you once told me five. Oh. I have chosen the joke from January 6th. second, why did the horse put her full to bed? Why did the horse put her full to bed?

Oh, this is embarrassing. Seems like whoever wrote this made a typo. Full is what you get when you eat food, Arnie. Oh, hmm. But we do have horses in food, right? Yeah. So you can also... A foal can also be a young horse chunt.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Different words mean same things. That's right. Never forget. Why did the Meritocracy? I mean, not bad.

I don't think it's right. Only foals fall in love? What was the question? Why did the horse put her foal to bed? Oh. Coma? Yes. Yes.

The answer is it was past your bedtime. It was past the horse's bedtime. Yeah, I guess that would make sense. You put... Yeah, I mean, that one's not bad. If it's past your bedtime, you should put it to bed. Yeah. January 3rd.

Okay, now I've got to read these. Oh, you're... A long stretch of silence here, right? Oh, yes. I've been workshopping some for open mic night. I've been working on some wizard jokes, and I just want to make sure that these sort of past muster, like, they're not offensive.

Do you know if I go ahead and... No, go ahead. I'll tell you what's is out of bounds. What's a wizard's favorite type of meeting? What is a wizard's favorite type of meeting? of meeting. Staff meeting? Or also I have

what's a wizard's favorite type of infection. It's a staff infection. Oh, those are both very good. I like those, Chun. I think that's very funny. Okay. And I'm as a wizard. I'm not offended. Okay. All right. I've chosen the joke for January 3rd. And keep in mind, this, January

3rd, there are actually four jokes. So I don't know. What the hell? What's going on? Why did the fawn put on a sweater? Wow, these jokes are really obsessed with animals. They really are. Why did the fawn put on a sweater?

Okay. This is, it was going to a stag party. Good. Why did the faun? It was a fawn put on a sweater because they, something about deer, I had a huge rack. Oh, okay. Well, wow, wow.

because it was buck naked okay January 4th should also put on pants I guess because the lower genitals are the most offensive yes that's true have we ever really talked about how offended we are by

the lower genitals are the most offensive yes that's true have we ever really talked about how offended we are by lower genitals no I think they're foul. I don't think they should be seen in public. Even though multiple times there are instances you can find in the show where I have bared that all.

Yeah. I think it's disgusting. I think it's in poor taste. Yep. And I'll do it again. And let's be clear, we here at Hello for the Magic Tavern have nothing wrong with upper genitals. Yes. You got a dick mouth.

Yes. God blesses you. Yeah. Whatever you want to do. Or you're doing a handstand and showing your stuff? That's also fine. That's fine. It's all the leaning over to see it that bothers me to really get a good look.

We're getting old. Our back's hurt. We're like having to bend down to look at those lower genitals. It's irritating. I don't know about you two, but I just stand over a hand mirror. Oh, hmm. Okay. I should have been reading this during this whole time.

Oh, God. Give me a moment. Trunt, I want a surprise, Arnie. Okay. I think we should do something nice for him. Oh, a good surprise. I see. I thought you meant like you wanted me to jump on his back or something.

Oh, a good surprise. I hadn't considered that. You were thinking like a gift or like a nice relaxing night for him? Yeah, just something to help him relax. He's so busy here running the tavern and, you know, just, you know, generally keeping things afloat. He was saying that his, you know, the finger he uses to hit record once a week? He was saying that finger was starting to get a little sore. Oh, that's okay.

There's a start. Maybe we should get him a pair of padded gloves. Ooh, yes. A pair of padded gloves and maybe like a gift certificate to a spa where he can take a bath, get tattooed. Yeah. Where Velcimer's hat. Batman had while getting blazed all night. I have chosen the joke.

Okay. Knock knock. Why? Oh, shit. Do you guys know how knock-knock jokes work? Okay, so this is how it works. I'll say knock-knock and then you say who's there. Knock knock.

Oh, I see. You want me to say knock. I need your help to make this joke. I see. Arnie, I got it. Arnie, you sir,

Arny wants me to say knock knock as well, so we have a pair of knockers. Knock knock. Who's there? I don't know. Shit. All right. All right.

I'm going to say knock knock. And then you're going to say who's there, all right? Either one of you, frankly. Oh, okay. Knock knock. Who's there? Who's there?

Wendy. No, it's Chunt Nusador. Oh, shit. So then you, okay, let's treat this like a real scenario. Just walk your way through. That's what we were doing. Arnie, you can't point at us and say, I'm going to say knock, knock, and you say who's there. We know it's you.

Yeah. Okay. So everybody, both of you close your eyes. Okay. All right. Now imagine that you're at your home. Okay. And you hear knock, knock.

Who's there? Grab my axe. Wendy. It sounds like Arnie. Oh, Wendy. That Wendy sounds like Arny. Okay, wait, wait, wait. Let's start over.

Start over. Open your eyes, close your eyes. That's how you reset. Open your eyes, close your eyes. All right, closed your eyes. Knock, knock. Who's there? Wendy.

Wendy, who? Wendy Snowfalls. We can go sledding. Do you want to come in? I lock my door. I bolt it. I nail all the edges of the door. I put a chain around.

around the door. I'm never leaving the house again. That voice was haunting. All right. I've made an executive decision. I'm only going to do knock-knock jokes from now on. Oh, oh, Arne, I think I just thought of one. Okay. Um, uh, knock-knock. Who's there? Interrupting which... Wait, whose door did you knock on? Did you knock on my door or use the door's door? Um, huh, uh, your door, Arney, your door. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, knock-knock. Who's there? Fuck me. Interrupting witch. Us door. He knocked on my door. Yeah, I didn't say who's there.

You're a terrible neighbor. It's none of your business. Okay? Fine. All right. Sorry. Sorry. Will you knock? I'm going to open my eyes close in my eyes. All right. I don't know that this gets better than what just happened. All right. Here's the next one from January 6th. My birthday. I know. It sucks. Happy birthday. Knock, knock. Oh, who's there?

Oh. Okay, open your eyes, close your eyes. Now, I'm going to go to Yusador's door this time. Okay. Knock, knock. Who is there? Tell me your name, but lest I shan't grant you entry. Left hand.

Left hand, who art thou? I left hand forgot my scarf and mittens. I left and forgot my scarf. You sure stopped laughing. Let the left hand. It's going to freeze to death. It's going to freeze to death. Oh, no, don't you get it.

It's a play on words, Chant. You see, left hand, but it's, I left and. Wow. Arnie, are these ones, are these jokes you wrote? These are not. These are jokes I paid money for. Oh. All right.

Chant, open your eyes, close your eyes. Okay. I'm coming to your door. Knock, knock. Who's there? Weirdo. Weirdo who? Weirdo we go from here

Hmm Weirdo we go from here I assume as a learned creature That Where do we go should be where do we go But weird and where Or not quite differently Doesn't quite scan

As they say How do you think they can get my money back For this calendar Seemed unlikely How much was it? Oh gosh let me look It was probably like nine bucks, ten bucks. That's worth money.

Ten bucks, ten naked bucks. And then you have to buy sweaters for those? Man, that really adds up. It does add up. It's true. Get him some pants, too. But we did learn an important lesson. If a weirdo comes to your door, don't say anything. Don't answer.

That is a good lesson. I've often opened my door to any weirdo who's come up, and sometimes I've had a wonderful adventure. And other times I've come to a wonderful adventure. Regreted. Yeah. So, Arnie,

by that joke's logic, I know that you on Earth are a big fan of weird Al-Fred. Mm-hmm. So we could also say that you're a big fan of... Batman again.

We could also say you're a big fan of Where's Al? Yeah. Where's Al? You gotta find where's out. Okay. Guys, I'm going to throw this calendar away.

No. We've never done this before. No, Arnie. We're just going to completely abandon the premise. the middle of the episode. Ernie, here's what I think is happening. I think you're spending,

I want to say 10 to 15 minutes looking cherry picking the best joke for each day. And I think that 10 to 15 minutes causes a bit of buildup to where we're like, holy shit, this is going to be good. I think if you just rattle some off

without sort of screening them first, I think that'll be... All right, I'm going to do them as fast as possible. I'm just going to pick like the... Okay. Okay. Why did the Easter bunny go trick-or-treating at Christmas? Jesus Christ.

What's Easter? Christmas. Too much. I don't know what any other than it was. It would make any sense. Well, we've also come to learn that jokes are very culturally specific. And some of these earth references, yes, they are beyond us. But I thought that left-hand thing was really spectacular.

Yeah, you sort of lost his fucking mind at that. It was left-hand, but it was also left-and. Guys, this page, this isn't going to mean anything to you. But I just need the listeners to know. Now, this page is from April. The middle of the year, not the middle of the year, but you know, in this almost mid-spring, and all three of the jokes are about Santa Claus. Whoa.

They really ran out of material quick. I guess so. June 17th, what game do monsters like to play? Ooh, well, a lot of times they'll play like pounce and slice is like a big one in the monster community. Um, I want to say... Bork ball. Bunk the brain. Bork ball. Where's the fingers is a big one. I know that those creatures who live in the maze.

I don't know what games they play, but they drive them in a tautorus. Would that have helped earlier? Hide and shriek. Hide and shriek. So monsters on your world are going around just screaming all the time? Is that the suggestion there? Sort of? Are they make people shriek?

So they find a good hiding spot and then give it away immediately? Yeah, that doesn't make sense. That would be a bad game. Guys, I fucked up with this calendar. No, Arnie. I fucked up so bad. What are wasted our money? Arnie, no.

What's the ogre under that if you go straight to December, there'll be no seasonal jokes. Okay, let's see. And Arne, I just want to say how cool it is on earth that it's seemingly everyone's bad at math. Because here in Foon, deck or des, means 10. And you told us that December is the 12th month. So I think that's kind of fun that no one can count. Yeah, it's weird. Yeah.

Also, if you don't want to read the jokes, you can just read some of the numbers and days. Would that be fun? Knock, knock. Wait, no, sorry, guys. Open your eyes, close your eyes. Okay. Whose house are you at? Oh, not on Usadores.

Oh, yeah. I'll go to Usador's. Usadore. You got a little, I'll ring the door. Instead of knocking, I'm going to ring the doorbell. Ding-dune. Belly button? Who is approaching my, the step of the house of Yusinor?

Ivy. Ivy, tell me more about your whole premise. Ivy, a lot of cards to put in the mail. Ivy, lot of cards to put in the mail. Okay. I swear I'm reading this word for word. How to... A lot of cards to put in the mail.

Ivy, Ivy, a lot of cards of the mail. Ivy Ivy Oh, oh Is this like Earlier With weirdo and where Does Ivy

Sometimes rhyme with where Is that what it's trying to do? I don't think so That's it See, I would change the joke Personally I would rewrite it As follows

Arnie I'm at your house Ding doon Who's there Ivy Ivy who Ivy who Okay, that's pretty good. Oh, uh, oh, Arnie, knock, knock.

Who's there? I'm sorry, I'm busy with this other person. Can you come back? Yeah, I'll wait. Yeah, sorry, I was, I was already here, but I've, I've said what I have to say. Yeah, get away. My name is Ivy, and I wish, I am leaving now. Never come back to my house. How dare you?

The door's open, so I'm just going to walk in. Oh, shit, who are you? Knock, knock, oh, I'm Ivy. Ivy who? Ivey, vunting your blood. Oh, shit. Well, you should go talk to that other. Ivy because they are also vaguely blood-related in a different way. Are you two from the same family?

Never met. You're still here. No, I'm walking away. Now, those were both better jokes in my opinion, personally. Chunt, I thought you did an excellent job. I thought you did an excellent job. Thank you. Who's open for someone to come to their door? Chin, are you available to have visitors? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, knock-knock. Who's there? Meow. Meow who? Meow-who. Miao-wee. Christmas. Okay. This I can get behind. Guys, I fucked up so bad with his calendar.

No, that's pretty good for the Christmas holiday on your world. I guess so. You told us that they say Merry Christmas. Yeah, Mary and Meow are basically third cousins of words. I mean, in all of the words, they're, you know, distant cousins. And if you had a big cat mask on while you said that, gold. Do you guys want to hear those? very last joke of the year.

Desperately. Oh, for the show, we're on the calendar. This is the very last joke we're ever going to do on the show. Okay. This episode isn't going to be done, but this is the last one in the calendar. Wow. It's all been building to this. Knock, knock.

Where are you? You have to tell us whose house you're going to. Let's say one of you was, like, house sitting somewhere. Like, it's not your house, but you still feel like a duty to answer the door in case it's something important for that house. Oh, house sitting. So, Ernie, say knock, knock, knock. Knock, knock.

And I'm house sitting? Yeah. On the roof. Hey, I'm up here. Oh, hey. Who's there? His eyes are up there. In fact, all of them is up there.

Don't look at my lower genitals. Well, your lower genitals are pretty high up. Oh, thank you. Although, and frankly, it's hurting my back looking up this high. I always hear that your lower genitals are hurting my back. I always hear that daily. Oh, no. All right. You know what? I'm going to go over to the house across the street. Yeah, that's fair. That makes sense. Goodbye. Knock knock. Who's there?

Mason. Mason, I'm sorry. My name's Rick. I'm house sitting. I don't know you. Do you, are you curious to know more details about who I am? I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mason. I'm Rick. This isn't my house. I'm house sitting. I can't let you in. Do you know when the people you're house sitting? I'm going to call the constabulary. Do you know when the people that own this house sitting? I'm going to call the constabulary. You need to leave. Fine. Fine. I'm leaving. Well, well, well, I guess.

There's got to be another house in this neighborhood that I can go to. I guess Chunt sitting on the roof of this house is looking pretty good. No, I'm not going to that house. Why don't you ask me? Why did you ask Rick? I don't. Where are you house sitting? At my own house.

Fine. I met, I don't know. You didn't like that answer. So I'm say I'm not very imaginative. Let's say I'm house sitting for Crom the Barbarian within the giant skull of Crockatoll. Okay. I'm going to the giant skull of crocodile. Well, Arnie, one does not simply go to the skull of crocodile.

There are many traps. Yeah, you have to get through the different feats. Well, first of all, there's a moat. I mean, that's like 101, right? Yeah. That seems tough, but I do have an important message to deliver. Yeah, but do you take a boat? Do you try to, like, jump on the back of a crocodile?

Do you try to find a way to lower the drawbridge? Whoa, crocodile. So this is a saltwater moat. Saltwater moat. Whoa. Are crocodiles saltwater? I guess, is that true? What do you mean?

These crocodiles are. These crocodiles are. Oh, okay. So how do you get across the moat? Oh, um, I fly. Okay. Oh, good choice. Okay.

So after you get across the moat, uh, you're confronted by, 12 skeletons, each with a shield and a sword. And each with a sadder backstory than the previous. Oh, do I have to hear all these backstories? Well, that's up to you. What are you going to do? I mean, technically, yes, they're going to start telling them. But the question is how do you interact with it? How do you get past them?

I try to say, hey, hey, hey, guys, guys, is Crom home? Oh, yeah, he's in the back. Okay. They clearly don't know what's going on because... And then you just kind of walk around them? Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. You pass.

That's the test. Oh, that's good. To not fight them or engage with them, but to simply walk around them. You know, that's part of one of the things I'm trying to do this year is to not engage with fools as much. To just like, if it seems like it's not going to be good, I'm just going to move on to the next trap. Arne, why don't you look me in the eyes? Anyway. Interesting.

What's the next trap? Well, there's a floating ball of lava, but it sounds like your mother. Hmm. In what way does it sound like my mother? Well, it's sort of scolding you and telling you everything you've done wrong in your life. Uh-huh. But it definitely has your mother's voice. Even if that's not your mother's personality, sure.

Uh, you get the sense that this is, uh, your mother and she's very disappointed with you, but she's also a giant ball of floating lava that's coming at you at a relatively quick speed. Okay, so coming at me. Oh, on me. Too tall. Too tall. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, did I say your mother? I meant Gene Stapleton.

That's what I thought. Those were the days. So I'm going to try to line myself up. I thought. Those were the days. So I'm going to try to line myself up, like kind of close to all the skeletons. And then when the lava ball gets close to me, I'm going to dive out of the way. and hopefully that the lava ball will like bowl down the skeletons like a bowling pins.

That's exactly what happened to me. Oh. You have arrived at the door. What do you do next? All right. Well, first of all, I'm going to look. Can I do a perception check of the door to make sure that there are no more traps on the door? All right.

You go ahead and roll for perception? Yeah, roll for perception. Just grab that roll. Arnie, grab that roll. Okay, yeah. All right, and just do I eat it? Yeah, see how many bites it takes you? One and a half.

Okay, one and a half, but was that a night? natural one and a half because you're obviously pretty hungry. So is that adjusted one and a half? Oh, it was natural. Yeah, it was adjusted. Okay. So, oh, right, let's see. Because that would be bad.

Like, it would be great if a roll would take me 20 bites because that would be healthier for my digestion. Okay, so adjusted, that's a seven. Okay, so you got a seven. And what was your question? How's my perception of the door? Like, is there anything I need to notice about the door? Yes. With a seven of eating the roll, you notice that the door is made of,

of sort of a black oak. There's a sheen to it, so there's clearly been a veneer that's been laid upon it. You don't see any discernible sort of, you know, sort of cantrips or booby traps on the door, but you can't be quite sure. But there is a, there's one of those, like, sliding doors. Sorry, not a sliding door, a little window that can be slid back and forth to where a guard behind it or someone behind it could talk to you. Okay.

I just don't know. And my role, my role, I ate it so fast. I'm not sure if I can really trust that this door is safe. Can I sort of walk around like the perimeter of the house to see if there's another entrance? Well, it's a giant skull and there's clearly the only door that will grant you any entry. Where the skull ends, it sharply is a very steep mountain that goes up up into the sky and to the clouds above your heads. So this is the only entryway that you can see. So if I try to start to climb up that mountain, though, can I sort of, if the skull is up against this mountain, could I maybe sort of get to the top of the skull?

You can't, you can't climb. It's too smooth. I could try. You don't know what I can do. You never believe in me, you say. That's my boy. Shut up, Gene. Thank you, Gene Stapleton. The mountain itself is like a black glass sort of, very slick.

And the skull has been polished to a point that you would just. You just slip right off of there. Okay, so here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to leave this Skull Island entirely, and I'm going to go and start training. I'm going to start training to make myself physically stronger. I'm also going to get, like, a lot of equipment that I would use to climb this mountain, because I feel like you don't believe in me. And I've got to... I'm just telling you what's there.

No, no, because I know that there's a... Like, you don't believe that I can do it. You're not even letting me eat a roll, and I'm so hungry. Too tall. Arnie, eat a roll for your training. Okay. How many carbs are we talking? Like, is this bad for my training?

Well, carbs can be good. They can be sort of magic to the power. All right. M-N-N-N-M-N-M-N-M-N-M. I don't know. How many numbs was that? It's not like 11. Yeah.

Okay, so that's like a 16. So you train pretty hard. You get ripped. You come back a year later. You are the best mountain climber in the world or up there. You're in the top five to be sure. So you're back at the skull. All right.

So. And you approach the moat. Okay. Wait, I got to start over from the beginning. Well, you left the train, right? You didn't train in front of the door for a year, did you? No, you're right. No, no, no.

I distinctly said I left the island. Okay. So I, what is the first thing, a boat? Well, Arnie, here's the rub. You clearly got past the rub. Well, wait, stop rubbing me. Oh, sorry. I thought you were just getting.

hotel. Yeah, yeah, I hear him a little bit. Arnie, one year prior to today, the sort of owner of the skull saw that you blew by a moat, you went by their skeleton guards and defeated your lava

marble mom. So they've sort of upped their security system. Yeah, they changed everything. The moat is now full of little barbs. Like a... Like Barbara Hershey? Yeah, it's like little funny girls or whatever.

I was thinking it was like a rose vine that had grown to an enormously hysterically large size. But Barbara Hershey could also be in there, I suppose. Okay. Play. You know, this seems a lot harder. But the fact that they've up the security so much feels like I must really be on to something with trying to go up this mountain. They've been trying to hide it from me, but it's clearly the way I'm supposed to go. Hey, Usador.

Yeah. This joke better be fucking worth it. Why doesn't he just fly over it again? Oh, wait, that's right. I fly over it. Ooh, Arnie, as you start to fly... Why was he trying to climb the mountain if he can fly? I was asking myself for that the whole time.

Arnie, you start to fly over the moat, but there have been some anti-Arney missile spells that have been... Yeah, so... So magic missiles start flying right at you. Okay, wait, so I fly... The missiles are coming at me. what I decide to do is I Arene? Yeah, they're missiles so they don't hit you. If they were hittles,

you'd be dead. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Oh, great. Sorry, I thought that was obvious. They magically miss every time. Mm-hmm. Okay, great. All right, so I get to the other side. So, how have they beefed up security on the other side of the moat? The skeletons have boots now. Okay. So that slows them down, probably. Well, they're on their hands.

Oh. The skeletons don't have brains. Can I just sort of walk around? Well, you know what? I'm in interested. I asked the skeletons, guys, how are you doing? And the first one goes, oh, not so good. You know, two years ago, my sister and I stopped talking to each other. Why did you and your sister stop talking to each other? I don't know. Okay. So I decide I'm not going to ask any follow-up questions. I had to still walk around the skeletons again. Yep, and that still works. Yeah, I think like, you know, I tried.

I gave a little bit of effort, but that wasn't good a lot more. And they appreciate it. They appreciate that. Okay, so now is there anything? Oh, Arnie, I'm so proud of you. Oh, Jean Stapledon seems to be more positive, but is this a trick? I'm so proud of how tall you are. How great it is that you must hit your head on every door you walk through.

Oh, and podcasting, that's exactly what I wanted you to do when you grew up. So lava gene stapleton ball is coming towards you at an alarmingly fast rate with a sort of lava tendrils outstretched wanting to give you a hug. Oh. Hmm. Can I ask it? Am I allowed to ask like sidebar questions? Sure. Do you think the same trick is going to work again?

Like if I just like dive away and let the lava ball hit the skeletons? I don't think it will. You got around those skeletons the same way twice. I don't think you're going to get away from the genitals. Staples on that. Arda or don't know while you're asking us, it's your mom. Yeah, that's true. You know what?

I'm going to hug the lava. I'm just going to embrace the lava and know that, look, sometimes family relationships aren't all positive. Sometimes there's a little pain there, but, you know, there can also be love to get to the other side of it. Wow. Okay, the whole front of you burnt off. Oh, shit.

That was wrong. Do you still want to knock on the door? Okay. I do want to just give credit where credits do. What a beautiful sentiment. Sometimes you got to hug the lava. It's sort of an analogy for life. Sometimes we've got to do something we don't want to do or something that we need to do, but it might hurt.

And you know what? We just got to hug the lava. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like maybe though I'm learning that maybe you don't have to hug the lava. Like maybe that's a bad idea. And you feel like you dutifully have to like be there for another person. But maybe sometimes I should have just taken my own advice. Like walk around people.

Just walk, just don't deal with them. Should have cast a nice spell. That was the correct answer. Do I have anything with me that can heal my entire burn front? Oh yeah, you've got a salve that grows back fronts. I got front salve? I know that's confusing to say that it grows back fronts, but that's what the salve does. Back fronts.

Okay, so your penis is now a butt. Wait, hold on. I haven't used it yet. Huh? Oh, Arnie, you've never used your penis? Oh, my gosh. Where to start? Oh, wow.

You're going to love this. Can I eat a roll for perception? Sure. This back front salve to see exactly what it'll do before I put it on me. Arnie, you can eat a roll, but be warned, you're going to piss out your butt. Okay. I mean, it wouldn't be the first time. Okay.

So what you learn is what I've already told you. that it will grow back your front. Okay. All right. So, salve it up. Sav, sav, sav, sav, sav, sav. Chant was right. You pee out of your butt now.

Okay. You pee poop out your butt. Okay. And, Arne, you see a big door. It's exactly as it was a year ago, except now there's a big, formidable sign that says no solicitors. Oh, can I?

Wait, hold on. Am I still house sitting a year later? I think so. Damn it, I'm pissed. You know how prom is. He doesn't come home that often. You know what I mean? Easy come.

Easy go. Yeah. So I'm not going to worry about the sign because I'm still going to go around to the back of the skull and try to climb this mountain so I can get on top of the skull. Yeah, remind you in this scenario, you are capable of flight. Yeah, but I did all this work. I buffed up. Like, I want to earn it.

All right. So I climb. Do I got to do anything for that? No, if you've buffed up as much as you say you have, I assume you and have the correct equipment, you know, a grapple and a rope and things like that. You scale it. Wait, hold on, hold on. Before you didn't want me to do it, now you seem to be like, yeah, yeah, you got the stuff, you can do it.

I don't trust you now. What are you talking about? I don't trust you now. You know what, I'm not going up the mountain because you seem to want me to go up the mountain. I don't want, I don't care one way or the other. I'm just telling you what's possible. Wow. And I'm sitting here waiting in his house, probably covered with dust, sitting, sitting,

perfectly still in a rocking chair, waiting for someone to knock on this fucking door. All right. I'm going to go back to, I'm going to walk around to the front. Wait, you're not even going to climb up there now? No, I'm not going to climb the mess. And Arnie, as you want it too much, you pervert. Arne, as you decide not to climb the skull, everything starts to fade, the skeletons, the orb, the moat, the skull itself. It all starts to fade away, and you realize you're in a big room. This is all a simulation. You're in the Y room.

It's a room where a professor holds these theories of like, why? Why do we do this? And there's a big door that goes out of the Y room. Okay. Did you want to knock on that door? Do you have a code name, by the way? Beast. Your code name is Beast.

Your code name is Beast. You guys know me. If I would have a codename, I think you guys would both agree that it would be Beast, right? Yeah. I'd be Wolverine. And I would be Kitty Pirate. pride. Yeah, exactly. You're so proud of your cat. I know, you really are. You don't talk about it enough, especially since you haven't been home to feed that cat in years. I mean, that cat's probably

dead, but it's already dead. Yeah, better not to check. But the bride lives on. Because Shrodonger's cat, I don't know if you know, have you ever met Shrodonger? You have definitely mentioned Shrodonger before with exactly that name. Yeah, he had somebody housed at his cat, and he hasn't checked on it in eight years. And so in his brain, he's like, well, it could be dead, but it could be still alive, but I just won't go home to check. Okay. He won't go home because he's so busy playing his tiny piano. Sure. All right. So there's a door in the Y room. Does it go to like the showers or what? I'm trying to remember last time I said the Y. I don't know. I don't know, honey. Maybe you should knock on the fucking thing. Okay. I knock on the door. Knock, knock.

Who's there? Mason. Oh, Usador. Yes. Do you think it's Dick Mason? Isn't that who Arnie said Robin is? I think it might be Dick Mason. Okay. Who's there?

Mason. Mason who? It's pretty a Mason that I'm still knocking after this entire year. Whoa. Good night, everybody. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, all right. All right.

We'll walk out of this tavern. Bye, guys. I love you. Big hug for Yusador. Oh, thank you. Oh, big hug. I love for Big Hot, hot,

oh, I love you guys. Bye, Arnie. We really did it. Bye. Oh, my pizza's here. Oh, my pizza finally. Yeah.

Arnie, get on the way the pizza's here. Oh, my gosh. Guys, ah, I'm just going to bask in the glory of the best

Patreon episode we've ever done. Bye guys. Bye, bye. Bye little seizure. Thank you all of it. I'm going to have somebody and come back.

Patreon, pageon. I'll be honest. That's a weird one. But I feel the mystical energy is beginning to crack all around me as the mysterious podcast feed attempts to undo us once again, but I shall prevail. Chud the Talking Badger was played by Adlerify. Usador the Blue was played by Matt Young. This episode was produced by Matt Young, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman,

special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. This episode was edited by Anna Haverman, logo by Allard LeBahn, theme by Andy Poland. And once again, I've overcome the feed attempted to transmit evil nonsense into our world. But you may ask how you can help our quest from your world. Go to hello from the magictavern.com or patreon.com slash magic tavern to become a patron and support the show.

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