Hello From The Magic Tavern - Patreon Unlock: Hello from the Patreon Mailbag

Episode Date: April 6, 2026

Enjoy this unlocked bonus episode from our Patreon! The hosts answer questions from you, the patrons!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jester's of Ravenloft is a podcast where a group of comedians get sucked into Dungeons and Dragons. Soon they're picking catchphrases. Looky, looky, I got hooky. Quoting hook. Facing down monsters. There was a man with a horse of flames. And running into our special celebrity guests. It's me.

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Joining gets you all the solid gold content your ears can handle and help support the show. More on that later, but for now, enjoy this exclusive transmission featuring Arnie Chutton Usador reading messages from the Patreon Mailbag. Guys, are you ready to dig into these questions? I am always prepared to answer any question that is posed to me, for I am a fount of knowledge, unlike any the world is there seen. Yeah, we got this big bag of mail from the patrons. from the patrons. Should I crawl inside and maybe kind of, you know, ferret out a letter? Sure. Do you...

Could you just badger it out instead? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, I guess so. Nice. He just loves to crawl in the bags. You know what's that? I have noticed that. It's why I had a couple bags hanging around most of time. It's just, you know, for something for something to get in. Even if it's something we can easily just reach into,

he's like, no, no, guys, let me dive in and crawl around in there. Wait a minute, it's probably kind of cozy and fun. I get it. I don't know. We do it all over our stuff. Wee. He's so happy, though, it's true. See the joy in his voice.

I'm in the bag. Hey, oh, I got one here you all. Okay. Oh, okay, I got one here. All right, let me open this. Very well. Open it. An attempt to stump me, patron.

All right, this is from James Devine. Devine? Divine. James the Divine. Waking James Divine. Who would win in a fight to the death between Momo, Flower, Chunt, in mouse form, Tiny Usador, and regular-sized Arnie.

And then sort of in parentheses, it says, Arnie gets a cardboard weapon of his choice. Hmm. Huh. First of all, James Divine, why are you trying to get us all to fight each other? To the death? Yeah, that's wild. Who would win?

Who would win? Who would win? I'd say flower? Probably flower, but also no one. Oh, yeah. No one wins when one of those people dies. That's true. Some of our favorites.

Well, some of us. Not all of our favorites. Some of our favorites. Sure. I hate to say it, but even if he's tiny, Usinard does have magical power, so I guess he'd have a good chance of killing all of us if he really tried. Yeah, I could set a lot of you on fire before.

you had much of a chance to fight back. Flower, I fear, would, like, pop up from the ground beneath me, do something. I don't even know what. Is it or does your sort of magical prowess scale with your size? So when you're smaller, is your magic sort of watered down? Exact opposite. Whoa. That's concentrated.

Smaller I am, the more magic I punch, man. Oh, that's pretty cool. Yeah. So now look, obviously, even if I'm my regular size, I'm definitely not going to be the one that wins. I probably will be the first one to die, but I will say, I will at least do some amount of damage. I need, I remind everyone, going back to the very beginning of the podcast, I have defeated Flower in the past. The first time I met Flower, I threw her off a cliff and defeat her. Oh, that's right. Yeah, that's true. We thought you was dead for a long time. That was our

first mistake. First and only, maybe. Huh, only one mistake all these years. Pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good. A average is. great. Arnie, I do have to ask, just because James Divine asks, says Arnie gets a cardboard

weapon of his choice. Arnie, what's your cardboard weapon? Oh, good question. Probably one of those boxes that like fun-sized bags of chips come in.

Fun-sized bags of chips. Unfortunately, it'd be a variety pack and it wouldn't be the right, it would be like, why aren't there too few so in prompted. Cool ranch Doritos and too many barbecue chips in this bag. So, and prompted with the opportunity to have a cardboard weapon of any kind, you chose

a box that's already made of cardboard. And I'd make that choice every time. Arnie, what makes something fun-sized? Like, is Tiny Usador fun-sized? Is Momo fun-sized? Hmm. What's the difference between small and fun-sized? Fun-size is just an advertising term to trick people into thinking that they should be happy about

getting less of something. Ooh. But then also party size is not big enough for one person. Hmm. Same with family size. Okay. Interesting. Oh, hey, I'm going to pull another letter out of here.

Usador. Hey, Usador. Yep. Feels like Arnie loves reaching in the bags. That's why I keep a few around just so I can keep his arms warm in there. Look at him like a pig and shit. Loves it. He's getting dirt all over it, but I don't even care.

All right, I have one here. And to make it clear, all of these were submitted on our page. on website, but we did print them out and put them in envelopes and put them in this bag. Yeah. Yeah. We in no way explained the premise of this episode. Yes. Mailbag.

Mailbag. Mail bag. All right. This one is from Nomeling who writes, Hello, Arnie, Chunt, and Usador. If you could go back to talk to yourselves from season one, what would you say to yourselves? Any advice, words of encouragement, or dire warnings?

Or would you just hang out? Have a double boys night. I have a nice spice potato before the embargoes. Don't die. Holy shit. Double boys night? Double boys night. Guys, would we...

Oh my gosh, this is all happening so fast. Would we signify that by saying, Boys Night, boys' night? Or would we say boys, boys' night night? Oh, shit. It's a hard decision. Hmm. Hmm.

Because I feel like normally we all just say our own boys night, and there would be more of us that would be more people saying boys' night. But it is not a standard boys night. It's a double boys night. Arnie, are you presupposing that in double boys' night, we just say boys' night like we always do, but there's two of each of us? Is that what you're saying? Here's my sacred promise.

Sometime in the next year, we will do a double boys night. Oh, my God, this is, oh my God, I says, oh my God, this is happening. Chunt, hang on. These sacred promises don't amount to shit. You go back and you listen to Mosh Magic. There are sacred promises getting thrown all over. place. Okay.

Not one has come to fruition yet. That is probably fair. I've even, I also can't even fully remember. One of them is like to have Tom Tom Bombom, like Cloud in a suit of armor. That one's never happening. Wait a minute. This one.

This sacred promise of us doing a double boys night, probably on the Patreon feed, but maybe on the main feed will happen in the next year. Or I'll forget. Boys night, but make it a double. I'm so excited. Yusar, you want to grab a

grab a letter? Oh, sure. I'll just transform myself into a tiny crab. Erach chadal to-a-kada. But I couldn't ferret one out. Interesting. Chant, chunt. Yeah. Have you noticed that Yusor's a piece of shit? Arnie, I have noticed recently

that you like to keep saying chunt-chunt, chun-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. It's very fun to say. Look, if we're going to have a double boys' night, we got to invite chunt-chunt. Arnie, Arnie, Usida, U-U-C-U-C-Chin-Chin. Okay, what are some, uh... This one's from Amy S. Uh, legs, legs, or crabs. Crabble.

Oh, sorry. Gross. Got it true. What are some Foonish fashions that you've seen come and go? Who's the most stylish person or wizard or shape-shift or other type of sentient being in Foon? Oh, boy, what are some fashion trends we've seen? A lot of hats over the eyes. I don't know if that's purposeful to add mystery,

but I have seen a lot of hats kind of pulled down to cover the eyes. A lot of people running into things, too. Not sure if that's related. Shortly before you arrived, Arnie, a trend that went out of fashion was long, thin sort of rat tail braids. Seems like everyone had them. Were they in the back? No, on the side.

One on each side, sometimes just one, sometimes two. I would say the most fashionable in all the land is maybe King Louis, King Louis Vuitton, just a real snappy dresser. I think he's an elephant. So like just really, you can do a lot with that. Starting with a gray palette, you can like really add pops of color. What about, I keep hearing about the Gucci Man. Tom, Tom, Tom, Bomb, Boys Night, Chunt. The Gucci Man.

It's my sacred promise. All of those four-name people will be at the Double Boys Night. Well, I mean, there are a number of very fashionable people who appear on our show. I think Larry Birdman's always impeccably dressed. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We don't really talk about it, but, you know. Yeah, he's very fashionable in a way that's just a little bit gaudy, but not too gaudy.

Right. Yeah. And then who else is very fashionable that we know? I would have to say. Oh, do you have a cold or something? No, no. I'm just trying to think of who you guys are forgetting that's very fashionable in food. Oh, right in front of us.

Usor, it was right under our nose. Dragons. Oh, of course. They sit on hordes of treasure. They encrusted their scales with gems. Dragons. Bling. Oh, Bling's one of the most fashionable dragons.

Yeah. Have you met Bling the dragon on it? I don't think so, no. I've met Tormaline Dragon Teen, and I've met that one that one that, It was voiced by being dad, but I don't... Well, yeah, well, Bling is very, very fashion-forward. You know, dragons often, while they hoard their treasures, they don't often bedazzle themselves with it and bedeck themselves.

But Bling can often be seen flying about, covered in all manner of jewel and necklace, ring, armor. Sometimes, you know, has armor especially made. We'll melt down the armor of people she's eaten and turn it into a, you know, a beautiful, encrusted chest piece or a paltran, you know. Quite impressive. The rumor is she has a special weapon, a hot glue sword that she uses to put certain genus here and there. I've also heard a rumor that she be jazzles.

And what's that? I might be saying that wrong. Vajasles? Vajasles. And what's that? She be jazzling. That's right. Cloaccles?

Cloacles. Cloacials? Next question. Oh, I got it. Okay. Okay, this is from Streetsahead. I wonder if they meant to say Pizza Head. Streets ahead.

Streets ahead asks, who's Pizza Head? Arnie, don't say pizza, pizza. Have there been requests of Earth Podcasts to have Arnie, Chunt, and Usadur on his guests? What podcasts would be a favorite for everyone? Arnie, have we had any Earth podcasts? We've had surprisingly few Earth Podcasts invite us or have us on. We were on comedy. But certainly could ask.

We could just ask them and beg to be on them. Sure, absolutely. This is going to sound made up, but it's true. Planet Money almost had us on. I heard podpires just went on doughboys. What the fuck? Come on. Come on.

Are you kidding me? Is that a good one? It is. Yes. Very popular. Oh, yeah. Sorry, and the second part of the question was, what podcast would be a favorite for everyone? I mean, oh, I got to be hand of goddesses.

I got to be honest. It's not an earth podcast. I want to be on podpires. I think that three of us would crush it on podpires. Well, it's generally vampire content. I don't know. What would we do there? What would we have to offer, Sean, as non-vampires?

They probably try to eat us. Yeah. I thought we'd offer like a, you know, a fresh perspective, but we'd probably just be eaten. Oh, that's interesting, though. Look, we should probably, we've been doing this for 10 plus years. We should probably be making more of an effort to go on other people's podcasts to help promote our podcast in food and out of food. That's just the kind of thing that gets the word out. Ooh, OPP's, other people's podcasts.

Oh, yeah, I'm down with that. Arnie, you said that you would give your neck and penis to be on blank check. Is that still? I said exactly those words. But yes, that's a podcast I love very much. Get us on. I mean, I don't know. What would be a good fit for someone like?

Usador or the Blue. Maybe Pod Save America. It sounds like they need help. I could go on there with my great magical abilities and solve as many of their problems as possible. Save this. That's where you lived, right?

America? I did. Or I was in Australia? No. Or was in Austria? It's one of the A ones. No, no. I'm not from a Eurovision winner. I am from America.

Okay. Look, maybe could we get Usador on 16th minute of fame? Hmm. A podcast where they talk about people who had internet fame in the past, and they sort of check it on where they are now. That sounds, sounds right. Arnie, is there a podcast we definitely don't want to be on? Not for any negative reason, but just like we'd be a very bad fit for that.

We don't want to be on a news pod. No, that's not true. Actually, we do want to be on news podcasts. This is a major discovery. I'm actually surprised that, like, the Daily hasn't reached out to us or anything like that. Or call me daddy. Yeah. Why haven't they been calling us, Daddy? No, wait, no. Even as I was saying that, I was like, yeah, checks out. Makes sense.

Here what, look, let me get another question. Makes sense. Here what, look, let me get another question. I'm loving all these questions. We probably should go through them just a little bit faster so we get through as many as we can. Okay. Here's one from Danny Olvera. Howdy, Arnie Chut and Usador? I recently moved out of an apartment with roommates to living completely on my own.

Bills be going crazy. Was wondering what kind of job you'd suggest for a college dropout living in the DFW Metroplex. Should I just move to Chicago? Arnie and his friend Addle make it sound rad. Thanks for any help. Love the pod. It helped a lot to keep me out of depression spiraling while I'm. door dashed for a year in

2002. I can't say this with full confidence. I think DFW is a Dallas Fort Worth, so it's in Texas, which is a complicated part of Earth. Dallas, sorry, so it's Dallas Fort,

and then you have to approximate how much the value is? Yeah, pretty much. Here's the thing. They say it's big. They say it's so big, but it's fine. And how's so complicated? Are they like, doors that open to nowhere and staircases that you like walk up

and then you're at the bottom of the staircase? No, it's just more that there are a lot. Okay. It's just that there are a lot. It's a lot of land and the people themselves are a lot. It's like the usador of states. Oh, how interesting.

Now we're more guns. Oh. Arnie, I feel like almost daily, you do proclaim that women be shopping. What does Bills be going crazy? I do say that exactly. Bills be going crazy? Huh. You know, we keep getting word back from my world that things are getting more and more expensive.

That's a good thing, right? No, well, I mean, I'm no economist, but I imagine it's a painful thing for people if they're used to paying one price or something and they have to pay more for it. Well, I'm sure employers everywhere will raise wages accordingly. Arnie, is your friend Abdul looking for you, do you think? Who? A doll? Oh, Adel. Yeah, I have a friend back on Earth named Adder.

Oh, you're saying it wrong? I'm sure he's tirelessly looking for me. And probably, like, that guy, he won't quit. He, I'm sure he remembers me, and it's spending a lot of time looking for me. Now, my friend Matt Young, he's probably dead. Sure. You can't live long with the name like that. Now, they did ask what kind of job they should have, but without knowing more of their resume,

it's difficult to say. It sounds like they were helping install doors. for a while, but doing it very quickly, perhaps they should become a carpenter. Oh, Arnie, didn't you say that one of the most sort of like revered humans was a carpenter? Karen? Mm-hmm. Yes, Karen Carpenter. We're supposed to be moving faster.

Next question. Yeah, yeah, yes. Good luck, buddy. Chicago's kind of expensive, but it's cool. I would say, I bet there are some more mid-sized cities that are cooler than to any city in Texas. That's not fair. Find the intersection between it's a little bit more expensive, but also there are cool things to do as much as you can.

And I would say sell stuff. Sounds like stuff's getting more expensive. It only makes sense to sell it. Oh, yeah. It's like everything you own is an investment. Good idea. Well, here's the next question from Buff E. Stout. Should I put soup in my butt?

Yes, next question. No. Chunt, you and I are specially equipped as magical beans from this world to put soup in our butts. And it didn't actually help us defeat the Dark Lord, but it was worth a shot. Now, I don't know if humans from Earth could take it. Ani, you're a test subject. Would you put soup in your butt to answer this question, see if this person should or should not put soup in their butt? Chon says yes, Yusador says no, only one way to find out.

I'm going to say no. I only have one butthole. I'm just, no, I'm not going to put soup in my butt. Boring. Boring. Fine, next question. This is from scribbles. bird-related question for Eusidor.

That's me. Recently, an elderly crow flew into the back of my head. Ooh. What does this mean, open-wise? How fucked am I? Ooh, good question. Scribbles, I have terrible news for you. You're the most fucked.

The most fucked? Yeah. Next question. Just very quickly, just for safety, I would say, like an arrow, if a crow flies into the back of your head, beak first, you can't pull it out because that'll just, you know, tear an artery. You got to push it through. Yeah, just like an arrow. Yeah, if it's still in there, definitely push it through.

I do. I'm so sorry. We don't want to spend too much time on this question. But Scribbles describes it as an elderly crow, flew into the back of... Probably had little spectacles in a cane or something. Of their head. Yeah, how do they know it's elderly? Maybe it gave him one gold for his birthday. Here's a letter from Amazing Mitchell Man, Micherman.

I actually met a dog with two buttholes once, but it turns out it was just an abscessed anal gland, my new favorite, pairing of words. Have you guys ever considered that your multiple bottles are just open infections you haven't gotten checked out? Please see a veterinarian about this one. Oh, Chut. Interesting. That reminds me. You and I both need to make a veterinarian appointment.

Oh, that's right. The vet hasn't checked me out in ages. I know. You still need to be neutered, man. That's true. I'm talking about Eustador. Oh, good. Phew.

Let's see. Well, we'll take a little bit of time to set up those veterinary appointments. Chunt, should we just show Arnie and see if he can tell off their abscessed anal glands? Yeah. All right. Here we go. What do you think? Well, I don't really know what an abscessed anal gland looks like, but I do know that everything looks wrong.

Everything looks wrong, guys. Anal anal anal gland gland. Just touch it. Touch it. No, I'm not going to do it. Here, I'm going to move on to the next question. Arnie, you look at root around in bags. This one is from Alphanus Armourman suit person.

Their question is, Arnie Usador and Count. Recount your worst vacation ever. Arny, Usador, and Count. Oh, that's right. I forgot. This is a question for Count, for the Count. Oh, well, I don't think the Count is here. Are my ears burning?

Oh, sorry, I was wrong. Please, have a seat. Ah, yes, thank you. Can I get your son? Something to drink, Count? Blood. Of course. I'll be right back.

Hey, Count, while you're here, do you mind telling us about your worst vacation? Yes. My worst vacation was when you were getting sleepy. And I was like, Hey, buddy, I thought we were going on vacation, but you kept getting sleepy. And you said, let me sleep for just a bit.

And I said, we're going to miss our horse. And we did. Here's some blood and some aleful rest of you. Oh, Count, are you trying to put A-Hawdina's sleep again? No, I was just talking about the time he was sleeping. Oh, yeah, he nods off. I don't know what it is about my voice that drives him to sleep. I think it's just his age.

Honestly, if we're being honest, I don't think it's your voice at all. Oh, sorry. Chunt, have you met the count before? Sleep, aft me, saved me again. Oh, well, that's good. Chunt, have you met the count before? Um, I think so.

I think we've seen each other in passing. Unchal and P. Yeah, no, shant-a-hans. That's not how it's pronounced. Yeah, I didn't want to say anything. Yeah, it's fine. Hey, do you guys think you can get me on podpires? No.

Well, we don't really, if we had a direct connection there, we'd probably go on ourselves and get eaten. Fair enough, I was just on how did this get me? What? What? Yeah, for my fifth time. It's a really big podcast on Earth. Is it? What movie did you talk?

talk about. We talked about Glen Gehry Greengrass. That's a good movie. It's probably the best movie. It's the closers. All right. Okay. I'm moving on to the next question. Bye. Goodbye.

This question is from Lauren B. Arnie. Oh, this is for me. Arnie, if you could bring one fictional Earth character to Foon to help Usador in his quest to defeat evil, who would you pick and why? Personally, I think Captain Planet and the Planetiers would fit his

energy level quite well. I'm intrigued to learn more of this, of this, of this, of this, of this, ship's captain and his planeteers. Are those like buccaneers? I don't, I know, look,

unfortunately, I don't know all of the Earth's fictional characters. What? I know vaguely who Captain Planet is. He's like a green guy who flies around. Oh, oh no, he's green, Arnie. That explains the planet tears. He's so

sad. Yeah, it's not easy being green. But if I had to pick a fictional character, and this is actually one that both of you know about. Okay. Pippi Longstocking. Oh.

Absolute maniac. Yeah, she's got a gun. She's got a gun. I've never wanted someone on my side so badly, simply because I don't want her on the opposing side. Oh, yeah. Oh, what about, I want to say Tom? Is it Tom? from great Gatsby.

Tom? Is there a Tom? There's a Tom. Yeah, maybe Tom. Okay. I think there is a Tom, but I don't remember which one is Tom. There's a Tom. I do know there is a Gatsby.

Yeah. Maybe that's what I'm thinking of. You're saying they could help defeat evil in some way? Whoever has the snub knows motorboat. Oh, that'd be great. Well, he is a great Gatsby, right? We don't want a regular Gatsby. Yeah, great one.

Yeah, because you sir, you're a great wizard, and, you know, you should be paired with great people. I never even thought of that. Yes, I do want a great Gatsby on my side. Also, any of the characters from Pride and Prejudice or Sense and Sensibility, whichever one it was that we read. It's one of those two. Arnie, you hate women authors. God damn it. That's not true. All right. Next question. This one is from Ambrosia. There have been many musical guests over the years. Have you guys ever considered making a specific collection of all the songs? i.e. Seasons Bleeding, Seven Dragons and a Baby, so that we can listen to them easier. Yeah, this one we've considered it. It's a little complicated. Like, some of them we aren't sure about, like, if we should check in with the people who did them or not.

But we can definitely look into maybe one month. One of our bonuses is just a collection of all the songs that have been on the show. Not all of them. I don't know. We'll think about it. Arne, I have some ideas. either calling it now that's what I call Foon or maybe Chunt Bops Chunt Bops with a Z interesting I think we did do an episode that was

Chunt's album Oh yeah We did record it but we never released it As far as I can tell We did have some questions about that I think in this bag somewhere But I didn't Print it out

Well here's one from Marty Mettloff Yossi Arnie, I know Chunt was your first friend in Foon along that line. My question is actually for Usador. Ooh, what a twist? Who was your first friend when all them birds and wind and fire and frogs and such pulled you from Ephesias? Who was that relationship and God did it form? Huh.

Sounds like Marty's been having a little double whiskey night. Are you still in touch? Thanks and don't die, especially Usador with the whole mortal thing. You're close to the edge, my friend. fare thee well. Thanks, Marty. Oh, well, when I was first brought into this world by a conspiracy of rain and wind and fire and birds and frogs

and deer and bears that insisted there be a champion the goddesses heard their call and I did step forth into this world, fully formed as I am now. Naked as the day is long and I found an elm staff and I did form my magical staff and I did conjure then my known clothes

Then I walked down the street to the nearest tavern, and I stepped inside, and I looked around, and I met a fellow named Stil. And are you still friends? I'm not Stil friends with Stil. I'm not still friends with Stil. Which one is it? Which one's right? You tell us. I'm asking you friends with Stil.

Well, Stil was a very upset. angry person who had a lot of issues drank too much and I tried to help them but they just They were very very insistent

that they're when everything they said was right and you know I was going around proclaiming things and sort of just like making a bigger deal out of stuff

than it really is and sort of this sort of loud sort of boisterous thing and it's like a little obnoxious you know and it

It kind of wore on you after a while. First, maybe charming, maybe funny, then it kind of gets old. And then, you know, still, you know, turned into a raven, six ravens, actually, and flew into the moon. Flew into the moon? Yes, into the moon, inside of the moon.

Oh. Arnie, it sounds like when Yusiter was formed, he walked into a tavern, saw a mirror, and didn't know what it was. I think you're right. Am I crazy? Yeah, except for the last part, but nothing could explain the last part. Oh, Usur, is it possible that your Elm staff is your first friend?

I mean, a wizard's staff is pretty important. It's very important. It channels your magical energies. It is your constant companion, unless you're traveling in a way that it'd be difficult to fit into a bag. You take it everywhere you go, except for most live shows. Right. Yeah, how can you fit that? in a bag. Come on. Yeah, exactly.

All shows are alive. Here's a, okay, this is a letter from Mike. Window, aisle, or middle? Huh. Window, aisle. I guess, maybe this is about vacations again.

The Foonish Isles, Arnie, are just gorgeous. A lot of mountain ranges, a lot of buried treasure and quests. So I would say the aisles are probably the way to go. And they say the aisles are the window to the solar? Windows to the middle. The aisles of the window to the middle

If only we did Patreon Exclusive T-shirts The aisles are the window to the middle Would be pretty good It'd be so fun to wear that And get my ass beat Let's see Let me do the next one here

Citizen Rob Writes Is it Usor the Blue Or Usador the Boo As in Boo! Let me try it No, no, no, no. I forgot I said that.

Just totally blank out of your mind and try it again. Should I actually erase a nice memory? Yes. Yeah, yeah, I, but... Okay. What just happened? Here's the next question. We're reading listener questions.

Oh, okay. Citizen Rob wrote, is it Usador the Blue or Usudor the Boo? As in, boo! Oh, look, a bag. Sorry, Citizen Rob, I tried. I tried to sell it as best I could. Is Citizen Rob trying to scare me, or is Citizen Rob making a derogatory mark of boo? What type of boo is this?

Oh, that's a good question. I thought it was to scare you, but maybe it's to boo you, like, to say you're doing a bad job. Or maybe it's like Usador of the Bow as in a significant other, or like a bow as in your bow and arrow. Yeah, or boo is also bow, I guess. Lot of options you store. Well, it's blue. Okay. Next question.

A pair of hands that are inordinate. Wait, hold on, hold on. I got to say one more thing. Citizen Robb, D, da, da, da, bye. Citizen Rob, I tried committing to your question. You fucked me. I really not going to work. You just fucked me, citizen Rob.

You set me up for failure. The next question comes from a user called a pair of hands that are inordinately clammy. Go see a vet. Whoa. See Citizen Rob? Terrifying. See, Citizen Rob, that's how you do it. In your travels across Foon,

are there multiple places with a similar vibe to make out point, or is it specific to Hogs' face? Also, any chance you can score an interview with Dick Wizardry, Yusel, Yuselor does name Biscuit meniscus, Frigabelle? Hmm, Biscuit Maniscus.

That was three entirely different questions. That really was. Well, I think we can cover some of these quickly. I've never heard the term biscuit meniscus, And in fact, I'm having a hard time remembering it even as I say it. What that is. Yeah, that's very weird. And it's disappearing off the page.

Oh, places with a similar vibe to make up point. Absolutely. Let's see. There's Necking Canyon. There's Third Base Mountain. I love Third Base Mountain. But fuck, Kazim. What else?

What are the big ones? Fingaria. Fuck, Jusinor. Fuck, Chunt. I need to write this. these down. The handjob highway. What are the other ones? I'm missing a few. I can't remember. Oh, lick a titan. Any chance you can score an interview with Dick Wizardry. We would love to get Dick Wizardry on the podcast, obviously.

He is a murderer, but that's never stopped us before. No. But honestly, it might be too big of a git. You know, I'd love to have Dick Wizardry. I'd love to have the goddesses on at some point, you know, that would be a huge, that'd be a huge get. I'd love to have the King of the Southwest.

But, you know, it's, it's hard to get some of the bigger names and food. You know, you try. Yeah. Wait, so is the King of the Southwest Bell-Blane Tomaroth? Yes. Gotta be in some time. Here's a letter from Tree.

Will we hear Usador's canonical brother Craptor back on the pod? I... Good question. Hang on. There's erroneous information nestled and hidden within this question. First of all, Craptor is not my brother. I thought Craptor is a brother. Second of all, I am not related to Craptor in any way.

Now, yes, dinosaurs is birds. And birds did call me forth into this world. That does not mean I am. I'm not really... Get out of here. Brother. Oh, that's... I promise I never be back.

Get out. I told you. Fuck off. Stay back. Fucking prick. Oh, I just heard that they're doing a whole season of cereal on Craptor. Wow. Is that good?

Arnie, is that good? Uh, it was. And I imagine it can be good again. I guess... I guess the answer then to the question is yes. We just heard Craptor there. Definitely not my canonical brother, though. Not related.

All right. Here's one from Sarah Goldsmith. Whatever happened to the Smorps? Oh, well, they still live in the forest. They're still four peaches high. They're still irritating as hell. Yeah, you really hate the Smarps, if I remember. It's been a long time since we've talked about the Smorps.

Yes. Well, I mean, they're just, you know, little pricks. And, you know, honestly, the reason we haven't talked about them, I got a little tired of them. They jump the shark a little bit, if I'm going to be perfectly honest. Anya, are you familiar with that phrase? Jumping the shark? What does that mean? Well, here in food, if you decide to jump over a shark,

it's referring to this famous time that the great knight, Fonzarella decided to jump a shark and was eaten immediately. Yeah, it was pretty devastating. Yeah, so it's not advised to do something where you jump a shark. And so it's come to mean, You know, just sort of something that is, you know, kind of past the prime. And, Arnie, that's why we have metal armor now. Yeah.

See, his armor was made of leather. Looked amazing. Sure. Which sharks love. Sharks love eating leather. Oh, sure. What color was the leather? Red, was it red leather or yellow leather?

Red leather. Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather. Red leather. All I know is his widow brews a proper cup of coffee and a copper coffee bar. Oh, interesting. Any pets? Any mumbling mice?

Smorps added a bunch of kids and got bored. Sure, yeah, yeah. Here's a letter from Kiva Matria. Smorbs added a bunch of kids and got bored. Sure, yeah, yeah. Here's a letter from Kiva Matria. Dear Arni Chan Yusidor, what would be your thruple name

or name if you all merged into the same being? Arnchusi, Uchisani? Also, I was wondering, have you heard any news? news of the Baron Ragoon. Warm wishes, Kiva. Well, very quickly, we haven't seen the Baron in a while, but I keep hearing word that he's somewhere in Foon amassing an army. So I'm sure we'll have to deal with that someday. Also, I may have pronounced that second, um, Thruple name wrong. Usichuni, Yusichuni.

I don't know. I kind of like Yusichunni. Yusichuny. What would be our name if we all combined? What about Charnador? Oh. Or, oh, wait, here it is. If we combined all three of us, we'd be Charna Halpern. Hmm. We'll keep a bit on.

Well, it's interesting because, uh, chunt, you, uh, I have many names. We could, we could attempt to portmanteau together. And Arnie, of course, has his family name of Neycamp. But you're, you, uh, you don't have another name. You're, you're, you're chunt. Yeah, I'm just chunt. I guess choo-choo-choo could be a thing. Choo-choo-choo, yes.

Have you ever thought about taking a family name? Um, huh. ticket from Arnie so he doesn't have any more? I mean, technically I did. I'd adopt you as a cousin, so you could be Chunt Knee Camp. Oh, my God, this is... I'm Chunt Knee Camp. Or, you know what sounds great?

Choo Choo-Camp. That sounds like a baseball player. Yeah. Chutu-kamp. Coming up to the home plate? Is that what it's called, Arne? Yeah, I think. Coming up to the home plate, choo knee camp.

No, I think it's pronounced home-run-in pizza. Oh. Okay. I have a question here from Jerome McCready Arnie Chantinusidor, Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical lights,

devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tracus. The elves know him as Fianna. The dwarves know him as Zonan, Nhoogis, Anon in the Northeast is Gassmianus. Mesa, it's not spelled quite right. Oh, that's how you say it, Gasmineas.

Gassmineas. I'm a chemist in my world, and I was wondering if, what you guys thought about atoms. Like how they make up everything and are the tiniest bits of matter besides electrons, quarks, and gluons. That sounds made up.

Has Arne explained that part of science to you? Best wishes, Yusador, forever. I know an atom, and he does make up everything. I'll be like, where were you? And he's like, oh, um, I grew wings and I flew. over to the castle in the sky, and I'm like, uh-huh. And he's like, and then I won the lottery, and it's like, okay. I know you don't like him, but I feel like that guy's got a positive charge.

Maybe. I know an Adam, who's an ant. He doesn't drink. He doesn't smoke. What does he do? Goody two shoes. No, Audey hasn't explained this part of science to us. I feel so young right now.

No reason. Do you know any Adams that the young people of food would be? familiar with? Let me think about it. Pull out a cigarette. Put on some sunglasses. Who are some Adams, I know? Who are the kids talking about?

Black Adam is a big one. Pretty popular. Big, big, big hit, I believe. Big hit. Sure. That might be it. Sure. Yep, that's it.

Adam Scott. Adam Scott. Great Scott. So I think that's it. Sorry. Are you said, or you were saying? Oh, I was just going to mention that, you know, while Arnie hasn't explained this part of science to us,

Hans Hoffman, science mothman, has tried to explain it. And to be perfectly honest, yeah, I don't get it. Things is made up of little things to make big things, but then I could just make a thing out of anything or out of nothing. So what shit do I care what it's made out of? Also, I will say, Jerome, I believe in science. I support science. I believe it is real and very, very important.

But I have never heard of a glue on before. So I am not helpful. I think it's that vejazzling thing you were talking about. Yeah, glue on is what glue on. You just glue on. Yeah. Just glue on. Here's a letter from Sarah Williams.

Sarah says, it's spa day, baby. What are funished spas like? Are you okay? Oh, I was just reading it how it's written. Oh, okay. It's spa day, baby. all over. Are you getting dizzy?

Got a little lightheaded. It's baby with six Wyes. I think the count drink some of my blood. What are Foonish spas like? On earth we do mud baths and hot stone massages and acupuncture. What services are available in food? Arnie, what's that word? Acupuncture?

I think it's where they put tiny needles. Maybe it does something or maybe it's bullshit. I've heard of explanations. All right, well, there's all sorts of spa. treatments you can get here. If you're of the wealthier classes, of course, it's a very exclusive sort of thing to go into a hot steam room where steam is pouring out everywhere.

And then, of course, you would go to the octopus. They would give eight people a massage at the same time. And then, of course, the chickens would run across your back. And then you would be drawn and quartered. Oh, yeah. There's also different types of massages. You have your sweetish massage. Oh, sugar on your back.

Is that a sweet massage? Yep, they put sugar on your back, pour some honey on top of that, and then sort of like try and work it into the skin and pours. Do you have to request them to pour some honey on me? Yeah, I guess so, unless, you know, maybe they're a little deaf, then they might, you know, might have to write it down or something. What are the other types of massages? Well, you can go into a Russian bath house.

that's where you try and, you know, take a bath as quickly as possible. Go, go, go, go, go. And then a naked man tries to kill you. He'll try and beat you with palm fronds. You do have to fight him naked, for sure, for sure. You can get a hot stone massage, just warm stones on your back.

You can get a cold stone massage, but that's where they put you on a cold piece of marble, and then they take these two metal knife things, plates, and try to mix you up. All sorts of topping. Well, hold on. They don't try and mix you up. They're foldins.

They're folding. You're right. You're right. I forgot the terminology. They are folding. Okay. Next question. This is actually a series of questions.

One of the questions posted, a few other patrons wanted to respond to. So forgive me as I tried to get through this quickly. First, Charles W wrote, Arnie, are you getting adequate medical checkups in Fune? I recently had a colonoscopy, and it got me wondering if you are getting these necessary procedures to keep yourself healthy. What does health care even look like in phone? We got to get you to the vet.

Yeah, you want to go to the vet with us? No, you guys stop trying to get me neutered. But it is true. Like, I have not been keeping up with my health probably as well as I should, especially as I'm getting older. I mean, you sort of did try to shrink himself down and check out my colon for colonoscopy. What an incredible journey. Coming soon to Patriot, it is my sacred promise.

Oh, yeah, we thought we were going to do a whole new series called Usador's Magical School Horse, where he shrinks down kids and takes people inside Arnie's colon. Oh, wait, okay, yeah, I would agree with that. I thought he was saying Usuror's magical school whores. And I was like, that seems inappropriate. Everyone's got to learn, Arnie. Everyone's got to learn. Whatever gets asses in the seats.

So anyway, Charles W. wrote that. And then Kathleen Swiski responded, building off of Charles's question, with a decade having now passed, I've noticed my body aches a heck of a lot more, and I'm relying on Advil and Tylenol to get through the day. I can only imagine that Arnie needs something as well for his handsome older body.

Arnie, I swear. I swear. I swear. Look, look, here, I'm holding the paper up. It says handsome. It is in parentheses. All right. So, Arnie, what are you using to manage those daily aches and pains? Arnie, are those two great wizards on Earth, Adville and Tylenol?

Yes. Oh. They are kind of the same wizard, but one will kill you under certain circumstances, and the other will kill you under other circumstances. So you just have to really know which one is which, although no one really does. Oh, shit. It sounds like I need to do some research. Maybe kill you. Was it due news?

No, you're just not supposed to mess with one under certain circumstances and the other, under other circumstances. Okay. But I don't know what those circumstances are. I have freaked everybody out on Earth. Yeah, no, it's just sort of the way, you know, spin tax is sort of mercurial, but you get spintax together with like grapefruit, let's say, and suddenly he's going nuts, man. Oh, I do see that someone responded to Kathleen's response. at Charles W. This is from Nuburnas, responding

to Kathleen. They say, this needs an answer because Arnie and me are in the same age range and, oh boy, is Father Time stepping on my balls? Oh, no. Is that Can? Is that one of his other names? Father Time? I don't know. Although, guys, maybe I shouldn't bring this up

while we're recording, but my balls have been getting really flat. Like, really flat. Okay. We showed you our butt- holes. Let's take a little. Okay. All right. Oh. Those are like coasters, buddy.

I know. What is going on? Is somebody stepping on your balls? They also have little water rings on them. Okay. Okay. Okay. Pancakes. We're going to just get you to the vet as soon as this episode's over. Yeah. Okay. All right. Let's move on. Now, I have another smaller bag.

You have a smaller bag? Fine. Pull it out. We'll take a look. Oh. Whoops. We have a whole other bag of the sort of more spoilery questions that I kind of wanted to wait until the end because, you know, a lot of people don't aren't necessarily caught up. But maybe we'll just have to do another Patreon episode where we just answer the spoilery questions. Oh, that sounds fun. Although, wait, I think there is, let's do one more regular question before we end the episode. Let's see here. This one is from Katrina, who writes, man, shut up.

Sorry, did someone tell me to shut up? I'm talking to my friends Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, and a third guy. How the hell did he get on there? How did you get on speechless? Although it would be good for you to shut up when you're going on that. Speechless. I thought I was on smartless. Oh, brother. Fuck.

Fuck. Maybe that's why we're not getting ass because we don't know what these shows are. I blame Citizen Rob. Citizen Rob, you fucked me. Now that's what I call content. Junt the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rify. Usador the Blue was played by Matt Young. This episode was produced by Matt Young,

post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate producer Anna Hoverman, special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. This episode was edited by Stefan Drainger, logo by Allard Laban, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. If you like this, you'll love the Magic Tavern Patreon. As a patron, you're entitled to some exciting exclusive content,

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Learn more at patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. That's it for now, Moon. Doggies, bootleg Craig away!