Hello From The Magic Tavern - Patreon Unlock: Hello from the Teeny Tavern (I)

Episode Date: December 29, 2025

Enjoy this unlocked bonus episode from our Patreon! Momo hosts a tiny version of Hello from the Magic Tavern from a hole near the table. You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!CreditsMomo the Mouse: Erin KeifChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandTeeny Tavern Theme: Red KeenerNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It's almost the new year here at Bootleg Craig's Pirate Patreon Radio. We're encouraging everyone to make some New Year's resolutions. How about following through on your longstanding promise to become a patron of hello from the Magic Tavern's Patreon? You can get some great bonus content and benefits by going to patreon.com slash Magic Tavern right now. I'll tell you all about the perks you get after the show, but first, don't you want to hear Bootleg Craig's resolution? I know I do. I've decided to downsize, relieve myself of some burdens, and simplify. That's why instead of an episode of Hello from the Magic Tavern,

today I'm pirating a smaller episode from behind the paywall. It's called Hello from the Teeny Tavern, starring everyone's favorite mouse with human strength, Momo the Mouse. It's going to be a ton of fun in a tiny package, oh yeah. Hello from the Teeny Tavern. A sometimes-released podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host, Momo the Mouse, with Human Strength. If you've never listened to the show, here's everything you need to know.

Ten years ago, my co-worker, Arnie, fell through a dimensional portal behind a or King in Chicago. Luckily, he's still getting a Wi-Fi signal so I can record this podcast in a little hole in the wall next to the table where Magic Tavern usually records. You know what this means? I successfully wore him down until he said, fine, whatever, and let me do my own podcast. That is a celebration of all things, Cheenie Tiny. I pushed him a little too far, and he took a week off, so it has been one week since I have

seen Arnie. I think he's upset with me, but I'll deal with that later. The first thing I want to do is introduce my co-host that might sound a little familiar to you. Chunt, baby, show him who's boss. Oh, yeah, tiny babies. Now, Chunt, you're used to being a badger a lot of the times. You're shapeshifter. Yes, mm-hmm.

Which we often forget, because we draw you as. badgers, we imagine you as badgers. Yeah, and I'm okay with that, but I very much appreciate just right up top that you signify that I am a shapeshifter. A lot of my coworkers don't tend to do that, so thank you, Moma. Oh yeah, of course, you're a shapeshifter. Now tell everybody, you decided to be a little festive today, and Shapeshift is something kind of teeny tiny in honor of hello from the Teeny Tavern. What are you today, buddy? That's right, Momo. For today and today only, I have shapeshifted into a hand. It is a

sort of a badger hand, I guess. It is covered in black and white fur. But I'm walking around on two of my fingers. I'm using two other fingers as my arms, and then the thumb is my head. And, chunt, as a logistics queen who sort of needs to get to the bottom of things. You shape shift after you've had sex with whatever that is, right?

That used to be the case, and then it was retcon to where I can shape-shift it will. Okay, great. But if you wanted to be honest right now, did you? I masturbated. Okay, okay. And that's fine. And that's fine.

That's what Teeny Tavern's all about. Chunt masturbated. He forgot, well, first of all, I think he probably forgot. We were doing this today based on how disheveled he looks. Teeth are brushed morning hair. He forgot he had this. He was masturbating. I went, Chunt, you ready?

And then this is what we ended up with. Thank God it's something small, though, Chun, right? Yes. Thankfully, I was able to fit inside the hole in the wall in which we're recording. And I don't know if you noticed, Momo, but I actually put onto two of my fingers, legs. I put on a tiny pair of pants. Today's episode of Hello from the Teena Tavern is brought to you by Small Pants. Small Pants.

Can you believe how cute they are? Sorry, that's just what the ad copy says. Chant, I just, before we keep going, I'm so sorry. Again, I really, I just got to get to the bottom. about this. If you were to masturbate now, what would be the, how do you do that? And then what would you change into? Yes. Mimo, this is a great question. So if I used one of my hands, right, fingers, fingers. I would turn into whichever hand, finger that I use. Okay. And then if you were a finger, what would you turn into if you masturbate it then? Oh, I want to say,

Finger nail? Maybe a fingernail? And then from there, it would be a cuticle. From there it would be like a protein strand. From there it would be amoebas. Then I would get into... And you wouldn't give up on masturbating at this point. Never.

You're still going down in masturbation, exemption. And then I'd get down to atoms. And then, of course, after atoms, if I masturbated as an atom, I would turn into one of the goddesses particles. and then if I masturbated as one of the goddesses particles, I would turn back into my full-fledged original shapeshifter badger form. Something tells me you've made this journey before. And, Mom, I would be remiss if I didn't ask you,

if you masturbate right now, what would you turn into? Who says I'm not? That's some of the kind of fun banter we're going to have here on Teeny Tavern. Oh, the applause side is really, really flickering. Doing this hostile takeover My third co-host is about to show up And who's that going to be? Someone familiar, I bet It is I, Yusador, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius,

Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trachus, the heroes, no me is fear and yalk, the dwarves, no me is zoned and hoaxinges, and I am known throughout the northeaster's gasmuenius may star, and there have I been so incredibly tiny. Usador, you are precious right now. Oh, thank you.

So tiny, coo-coo-coo, coo, coo, coo-ch-choo-choo, I'd love to take the credit, but I have to thank these tiny pants. Tiny pants, in no way affiliated with tiny socks. And let's make that clear, in no way. In no way affiliated with tiny socks. Not at all. Yeah, it's entirely clear. They are two sets. separate companies entirely.

Usador, my man, I got to say, well, I have to ask, actually, are you Usador all shrunk down, or are you one of the multiple variants that live inside Usadur's hat? Oh, that's a wonderful question. I missed a couple episodes. Oh, can we find part of the canon.

It was like two years ago, Mama. Well, the thing is that I've shrunk myself down to be this size, because, chunt, I'm a wizard capable of amazing, magical feats. And one of those feats is, I can be any size, I wish. Yusadur, did you know that Chunt is a shapeshifter? What? Oh, right. Yes, I did know that.

Right. It's my understanding that he can shape shift into anything he's had sex with, except then I retroactively remember he can shape shift into anything he wants to. I think that got retconned in my brain. I think they overwrote part of my brain. And do you know that he can masturbate, which means he... You know what? I'll let you imagine what that means.

Bwah! Oh, I love that noise. Can you do that again? Bwah! And just 30 more times over the next three hours? Bwha. Yes, sorry, I had a question for you before you ask me your question. I shall ponder my query first.

I must know. You mentioned that Arnie took the week off? Yeah. So you would say when he comes back, he'll be able to say, It's been one week since you looked at me. He better. Although it's starting, I think tomorrow will be eight days, so I don't know what you say then. Oh, no.

That sort of ruins the whole thing, doesn't it. Yeah. It's been one week and one date. No, it doesn't. Yes, Ben. Here it's Ben. It's Ben. Oh, wait.

Here's Ben. It's Ben. Hi, Ben. Hey, everybody. I'm Ben. I'm Ben. I'm the band leader. Ben, you are so sweet and so small.

What's it like being a grasshopper? Pretty nice I'm mostly Date other grasshoppers That's great Everyone's while Maybe a flea or a mosquito But yeah mostly grasshopper

Was this about my sex life or what did you ask? Oh no no no We'll get to that We'll get to that Usador Yes sir please First of all Thrilled to know that little versions of you live in your hat

But fun fact And this is actually canon Do you know that Mo Moe lived in Usenor's hat for a number of years. Yes, I do remember. I was charging you rent, I believe, at that time. You were, you were. Yes.

Which was frustrating because, like, the sink kept breaking, and then it would be kind of hard to get a hold of you, and then it would take, like, several days. Well, that sink was a manifestation of my confidence. Oh, my gosh. Oh, that makes so much sense. Because you went through a breakup when I was up there, and everything broke.

That's right. A lot of the stuff in my hat is stuff that should be in my brain, but I just sort of offloaded. some stuff into the hat to make it easier. Yeah, I used to slow dance with your memories. Trippy stuff. I used to smoke a huge bowl and then slow dance with your memories.

Gotta get wild. And Mammo, we have a scene. Would you like to set up that scene? We'll cut to that. Yeah, you know, actually, we do have some guests coming in. Oh, well, I simply want to do wish you well and launch you off on this endeavor.

I've shrunk down the table. I've made a smaller version of the table for you to use. and, of course, smaller version of Arnie's podcastual equipment. Oh, my gosh, you're that tiny version of his pink polo. It looks like doll clothes.

Yes, yes. Gooch, go, goo. Gooch, gooo. Gooch, go, go, cho, go, cho, go, cho, go. You have everything you need, and you no longer need Usador. Enjoy Teeny Tavern. I shall return. You're backing up. Usador. Yes.

Do you have tickets to something? Did everyone forget this is today? I just got a thing I have to take care of. Don't sweat it. Usador. Yes. What did you get tickets for? Where are you headed?

You're holding two tickets. You're holding two tickets. If I'm being perfectly honest, I'm going to see Joel of the William. He's a man who plays the piano. This William, Joel, I find him quite entertaining. I think he's maybe the greatest songwriter of my generation. Who needs a house sound in heck and heck and sec? And I know you gave all your money.

Exactly. Oh, jealous. Sorry, sorry, sorry I can't stay. I'd love to, but I just have to do... Bring us back merch. Bring us merch. No, I can't do that out. I'm just going to be doing anything else other than this.

Don't have a heart attack. Oh, my tongue got stuck in my thumb. Oh, God. Careful. Goodbye. Oh, man, who hasn't lived in a hacky sack? A lot of us trying to be in a hand. Goodbye.

Goodbye. oh man who hasn't who hasn't lived in a hacky sack a lot of us tiny creatures live in hacky sacks i know well that's something we can explore today so many tiny things to explore first of all found out recently that were pests that's something i want to sort of get to the bottom of uh one of my favorite topics to talk about with people who are teeny tiny what can a chair be right oh yeah a thimble can be a chair yes a hacky sack can be a chair um a chair could still be a chair but you You just might get sat on. Yeah. A... Lots of stuff can be chair. A rock. A lily pad.

Yeah, a rock, a lily pad. A book can be a chair. Yes. Let's... I really want to die on this hill of just... I think... Okay. Come on, John.

What else can be a chair? Well, we'll come back to what can be a chair as those sort of roll in. Ben, Hendress, was some of that sweet-to-me music. You got it. It's me. Ben, the band leader, in my band of mosquitoes. And one, and two, and here we go.

And Ben, let me know if this is offensive, but this is the type of dialogue I want to have on Teeny Tavern. I sometimes get grasshoppers in praying mantis ease confused. Un fucking believable. I'm so sorry, Ben, no, Ben, Ben said. Kidding, kidding, kidding. Oh, okay. I guess the main difference is that grasshoppers don't practice.

don't practice theology. We are non-religious. Oh, wow. I thought it was going to be the whole thing about eating your wife's head after you fucker. What does they do?

No, it doesn't matter. I think that was just one praying mantis. Oh, sorry. And they haven't caught them. They haven't caught them either. Can you beep what I said? I don't think Momo's ever said that word before. Wow, the power of the pink polo is going to my head.

I'm acting like a crazy person like Arnie does. Well, Mo Mo, if I may, I think you're part of the Pink Polo Club. Come on, Mosquitoes. And a what? Oh, mesquitos are already on their brick. They put away their instruments. They're just drinking bottles of blood, like opening them like their beers. God.

All right. Well, Chunt, I'm thrilled to have you here with me. You are the best, I don't think Arny appreciates you. You're the best sidekick co-host of all time. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. You're the best guest of all time. Is that true?

It is. You're the best co-host of all time. I mean, Artie's a great host, but he does forget that I'm a shapeshifter. But, Moma, you are the best guest. And that's big or small. All right. I'm going to tell Flower that later tonight. Is that okay?

Yeah. I mean, don't name names, maybe. This got, I didn't know you're going to hold it against me. I was trying to be compliment me. Complementary. Now it's become a problem. It backfired. Well, I want to.

Have our first guest come in here. I can't wait to interview them. Come on out, first guest. Hello. Hello. My name is Eric. I'm a goldfish. And I'm so happy to be here today.

I had to ask, I had to ask my uncle to cast a spell on me so I could breathe out of water. Yeah, you have sort of like a helmet of water around your head, Eric. Yeah, my uncle, uh, I just. Jacob knows how to cast a water helmet spell. Yeah, I don't know if you need a spell for that. It's more of just turning up fishbowl upside down and putting it on your head. Nothing, nothing. Eric, so nice to meet you.

I'm Chunt. Well, it's just water, though. It's just water that's not falling down. There's no container. It's just water. It's pretty impressive, right? Very impressive. Very impressive.

Chant, it's a pleasure to meet you. Momo, it's a pleasure to be on the show. I'm a huge fan. First-time caller. Oh, my gosh. Eric, I can't believe I already have a... fan. Eric, I have like a bajillion questions.

I don't know why I'm starting with offensive stereotypes. Every time I've talked to everyone on the show, I think it's sort of a panic response. Well, you are doing a smaller version of Hello from the Magic Tavern. Yes, and that's sort of what Arnie does. If everyone listens back carefully, that's what he starts with.

How's your memory? I'm sorry? Do you ever fuck someone and forget three seconds later? That's a rude stereotype. But yes, Absolutely. I do it all the time. I'm so excited to be here. Big fan. First time caller. Oh, uh-oh. Hey, Chuck, can't talk to you for a second over here to a second? Yes, of course. Should I get under the desk or should I?

Yeah, just can't. Let's just sort of crawl over here. How do we take advantage of this in a funny way? How do we sort of spin this interview where it's funny? Oh, yeah. Okay, so we know, based on the one time it happened, we know that he's probably going to keep repeating himself every 10 seconds or so, 10 to 12 seconds. Mm-hmm. Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Eric.

Yes, well, yeah, glad to be here, first time call her. Yes, I'm your wife. What? Yes, I'm your wife, and we've been married 20 years. Wait a minute. No, no, no, no. Let me look at all my tattoos. No, no, no, time for that. She's your wife and she's dying. No, I have to, oh, you're dying? Okay, well, how can I help you? Mark Leon, chunt. I love where your head's at.

Oh, my God, Mo, Mo, I've always loved you, and I'm so sorry that I forgot. I forgot to get that. I get all these tattoos to help me remember things. Oh, I know. I feel bad. He feels bad. I thought he would be excited. I thought, I am excited, but you're dying, and I'm so sad that I wasn't here for you. I just remember that this is a rough draft. He's going to forget in five seconds. We get to perfect this. That's okay. If you're dying, I just...

just glad to be here because I'm a first time caller. Oh, here we go. Hello, Eric. You are married to me. Oh, Chant. I'm your wife. Chant, you're my wife? Oh, I should have known.

Oh, I should have gotten that tattooed on my fin here. See, I've got all these tattoos to help me remember things. That's okay. He's not going to remember that I sneezed. Holy God, goddesses bless you. You flew like 20 feet in the air. And somehow landed right back in this hole. I forgot to tell you guys.

sneezes also have human strength. So I get blown back in a way that is alarming to watch. That makes a lot of sense. Well, I guess if I'm going to be a guest here today, you could ask me about, I'm a mathematician by trade. I'm doing a lot of kind of intense math that's trying to undercover the nature of the universe.

It's really almost like philosophy when you think about it, the type of math I do. Oh, that's why we'll never get to the bottom of things. It's a bunch of goldfish that forget their genius of their work. It's quite tragic. Well, I'm so glad to be here today. I just wanted to talk a little bit about the math I do. I've been working on my multiplication tables.

I think I'm up to nine times five. Whoa. Wait, was that a reset or was that a continuation? Because if that was a reset, he forgot to say first-time caller. First-time caller? Why would I say that? Chunt, he's stuck in the loop where you're his wife and I sneezed. That's not the one.

I wanted him to get stuck in. Oh, my God. Oh, Mom. Here, let me do a quick tattoo here. We should have kicked the wheels a bit before we assumed he would constantly reset. We did it after one. It's a ring and a badger hand. So I guess I'm married to a badger hand.

I hope I'll understand that. Oh, my God. We should have kicked the wheels. He did a thing one time and we're like, that's a pattern that'll happen nonstop for the rest of our lives, but it just happened. Oh, like two or three times. Oh, fuck. Oh, gosh. Are you guys good at Marshall?

Art. Do you want to fight me? You want to do karate? Whoa, what a twist for Eric? What's you expecting this? I'm a big karate guy. I could do a lot of karate if you want to, let's do a karate fight. Eric, it makes sense that you have all these skills. Chunt would love to fight you, right, Chun? I guess let me take off of my tiny pants here. Today's episode brought to you by Tiny Pants.

Oh, I love Tiny Pants. Not affiliated with Tiny Sox. Get that through your fucking heads. Fuck you guys. If they're not affiliated, they're not the same. same. I can't believe they put that in the copy. Okay, and let me put on my tiny ghee. Okay. Oh, what are you

kicking me for? Why are you trying to kick me? Stop trying to kick me. Oh, no. Why are you trying to kick me? Hi, Eric, I'm your wife, and Chunt's trying to kick you. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm already married to a hand. I have it tattooed right here, my fin. This is a mess. Are you the hand I'm married to? Oh, no.

Why are you trying to kick me? I went out of this relationship. No, I'm a hand. I was trying to wave and say, hi. Hi. Have I told you about the math I do? I'm up to long division. Oh, that's crazy. He was just on multiplication. That's a huge leap in such a short amount. This is a mess. And gaslighting has never felt so bad. It normally feels so, so, so good to do. I love gas lighting. It can't be very, uh, it's like a, it gives this little power trip, I suppose. Yeah. Hi, Eric. You're married to a hand. And I've never sneezed. Not once.

Oh, you've never sneezed. You should. It's like a thousand orgasms, but out of your face. What the fuck? Eric. I'm going to turn it to... Eric is cooler than I thought. I was talking to Ben before the show, and that's what he said.

So you remember Ben? Yeah, of course. I remember all sorts of things. I remember edition. I remember karate. Hey, you guys are. Do you want to do some karate? Let's do some karate. This is a trap. Moma, why don't you do some karate?

Mom was putting on her full gear. Oh, that's such a cute little geek. Did you get that from Tiny Pants? Yes. It's technically a paper doll outfit, so it really can only clasp onto my front and it could fall off at any moment. There is no butt. You know, I don't like to admit this, but sometimes my memory isn't the best. No. No, no, no. No. No. No. Tiny socks affiliated with tiny pants?

No! What the fuck? I can't remember. I couldn't remember. You're going to get me sued, Eric. Why are you trying to kick me? It's time for Eric to go, I think. Okay.

Eric, you can join our studio audience. Oh, perfect. Thank you. Bye. I'll just sit over here. And Eric, we might need you back if we've come up with an idea of how to fix this. Great. Happy to be here.

First time call her. Oh. Oh. Mom, can I? I'll tell you something I noticed. Yeah, of course. Maybe after the second time he kind of reset, he stopped saying I'm a big fan. He used to say, I'm a big fan, first time caller.

Why did you put that out to me in the middle of my first show? Well, I'm just trying to... We're not four years in. I can't be teased about this yet. This is high stakes. Well, I was going to say, I thought this might be a good opportunity for merch, where it could be like, hello from the teeny tavern. I'm a small fan. Okay.

So you think this is going good enough to have merch? I mean, I think so, but I'm also one of the hosts of the Lovenu Magic Tavern. Oh, my goddesses. That hand is my wife. That could be any hand. That could be any hand. We've really trapped Eric in a horrible time loop where he's going to keep realizing. You know, that's fine.

Mamo, did you want to do your funny headlines? Oh, what? I just realized you're... You are one of the hosts of Hello for the Magic Tavern. Yeah. And I feel like I'm using you a little bit as a security blanket. Yeah. What if for this next guest, you sat in the studio audience and you let me go this alone?

Oh. Hey, Momo. The minute I said he stopped saying you're a big fan, I absolutely expected some sort of retribution. So this makes sense. No, this isn't revenge. Hold your wrist really tight. This isn't a punishment or any sort of revenge. Oh, your wrist is your neck.

Yes, I hold your wrist really tight. Wait, my thumb is my head, my wrist is my neck. Yep, yep. Your ass is your palm. No, that doesn't make sense. And my lifeline's my dick? Yeah. I'm going to go in the audience.

Hey, good luck, good luck, Mama, good luck. Do you mind if I sit here, Mr. Goldfish? That's fine with me. Do you want to do some karate? No, thank you. Wow. Ben, don't you think this pilot episode the maiden voyage of hello from the teeny taverns going pretty goo.

I think it's going excellent, and just like any maiden voyage, if you look in the top drawer of your desk, I have provided you with a tiny, teeny bottle of champagne to smash over the mast head. Oh. Oh, no. Oh. Um.

Is there a tiny doctor in the house? Is there a tiny doctor in the house? Is there a tiny doctor in the house? Movo is cracked open her skull. I'm a tiny doctor. Uh, let him through. Let him through. Excuse me, I'm a tiny doctor.

I'd love to help you out. Wait, you sound familiar. I do? Yeah. Well, I'm a grasshopper, and I had a son who ran away from home. Okay. Interesting, my dad left when I ran away from home when I was young. Anyway, please, uh, ten to a moment.

Whoa, whoa, that is a, what does that mean? That is a crazy, crazy origin story. Oh, well, I mean, it's coincidence. I left my family. so I could go become a doctor. It was my lifelong dream. Just thought I'd, you know, finally live it out. Oh, that's funny.

My dad was a tiny doctor. I wanted to be a tiny doctor, and I wanted to be a tiny dancer. So I ran away from home when he left. A dancer for money? A tiny dancer for money. You can leave your hat on. All right.

Well, let me see that arm. Forget my skull bursting open. We need you for something else, sir. A D-N-A-T. Can I hear it from a studio audience? Can you all say DNA tests? Didn't realize that Momo's show would turn into this kind of show this quickly.

Knew was going to happen, didn't know how fast. I think that you might be Ben's father, sir. You think I might be Ben's father? Okay. Well, I'd be happy to be reunited with my family, so I'll gladly take a DNA test. Luckily, as a doctor, I always carry one with me. All right.

let's get to it. DNA. DNA. DNA. DNA. I'm sure you don't want to be to look at your wound. No way, pal. I'd rather reunite a family together after the craziest miscommunication in events.

Well, I'm taking this DNA test. Well, I survey your wound from a distance, just because I'm afraid the blood loss is going to cause you to pass out. I'm okay. Don't worry, Tiny Doctor. I know that Momo, this is canon, has as much blood as a human does. Oh, well, that's a lot of blood to fit inside a little mouse. Thank you. Seems medically impossible.

I'm very, very curious. Maybe I'll write a paper about it. Where does she put it? I keep some of it in my mouth. That's the secret. Okay, Ben, just let me swab the inside of your probosciscus, I guess. Whoa, buy me dinner first. Wait, that's just my mouth.

No, it's just your mouth. Okay. Uh, well, uh, it looks like the lion's blue, which means one of us is pregnant. Whoa! Ratings are going through, don't, roof, through, jump, roof. Mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo. I don't want to bury the lead. I am, Ben, I am definitely your father, but definitely one of us is also pregnant.

Um... Hi, welcome back to Teeny Tavern. Um, A sometimes released podcast from a magical and fume. Oh, Mama, you are really, ooh. You said it wrong. It's the magical lamb of fume. Lamb of fume.

I'm your host, Tiny Momo, the mouse, with mouse strength that is actually the kind of a human. And if you ever listen to the show, there's everything you need to know. Ten years ago, our knee... Excuse me. Parrot, knee camp? Oh, some of the champagne's mixing with the blood. Oh, yes, yeah. I'm sorry to interrupt.

But my name is Roger. I'm a bumblebee bat, the smallest bat in the world. Bragg. And I've come as a representative of tiny pants. Holy hairs. We're actually going to take a quick time out on recording, so everybody just sort of talk amongst yourselves. Ben, maybe take a smoke break.

Just give me one second. Give me one second. You want to catch up for a minute, Ben? Yeah, let's go over. Let's go over here, okay. Yes, well, let's come to our attention. though, even though this episode hasn't been released yet, that you've been talking about our hated competitors, tiny socks.

We have been only mentioning that they are not affiliated with you at all. We know what happened with you and your brother. You guys started starting a company, tiny pants, tiny socks, huge falling out. Now you're completely different companies. And lawsuit after lawsuit, you're not affiliated. I would tell you what. If I ever see my brother again, it most assured that you'd be the most, heinous battle you've ever seen

between two tiny bumbleby bats that's sort of ratings gold but you're not going to get it here for me today I'll be on my way What's that? Maybe you stick around I couldn't possibly care where he is

You think I should stick around though Can I sit in the audience and watch? Hey Delilah Sorry, she's my producer Delilah can you come over here for one second Uh yeah Oh my god, okay So do we have any idea

where the brother that owns tiny socks may be. Okay, takes out a normal-sized clipboard. What the hell's going on here? Why is that here? Get that out of here. Checking the seating chart here. Looks like, okay, row seven, we got a bat, just normal bat. Row five, we got a B, a normal B.

Row one, we have a bat B, but it's not a bumble back. Yeah, I don't see anybody here that would fit that in this. can you send someone out maybe a carrier pigeon just sort of find and bring that brother here because if they fought on my show I mean then that would really show the magic tavern guys that I'm of value right after 10 years they'd finally take me seriously oh yeah then the nelson ratings would be through the roof exactly exactly okay thank you so much to lila thank you we'll get drinks after this you're crushing it thank you oh god I love her I went to school with her and I have hired her. That's for a different day. We'll can go into that later. All right. What were we saying?

Then I hired her. That's for a different day. We'll can go into that later. All right. What were we saying? Oh, yes. Ben. Where did you want me to sit? Where should I? Oh, front row, sir. You're an honored, treasured bat. You're an honored, treasured bat. And what kind of bat are you again? I'm a bumbleby bat. I'm a bumbleby bat. And where do you live? Like a cave?

Oh, you wish I lived in a cave. I guess I do. Oh, you wish that I lived in a cave. But I live in, um... That's okay. Maybe give you time to figure out. A hacky sack? Oh, yeah.

Limestone caves. Limestone caves. Oh, man. Sorry. All right. Well, good thing we gave him time to sort of look that up. All right.

So, turns out you are the father. I guess you guys have been talking for the last couple of minutes and I've already processed this. Yeah, sorry, we just took out our IDs, and it turns out, same last name. Same address from 20 years ago. Yeah, I haven't gotten my ID updated. I keep meaning to go in and do it, and I haven't done it yet.

Yeah. All right, neither of you are crying and you're sort of talking about the logistics of updating an ID. That's not really great television. I'm pretty relieved to know where my son is now and the rest of my family. Right. That's not really great content, though. Yeah.

And we're not really religious. So if we were religious, we might be hemming and hawing and crying and praying, but we're not really, that's praying mantis is that religious. But grasshoppers, you know, we don't really practice. Very pragmatic, right? Very pragmatic, just sort of. Yeah. And we, and praying manis is getting some crazy sex stuff.

like biting each other's heads off and fighting. That was one guy. That was one guy. I should have hired a praying mantis. It's sort of made for good content. And so you guys are just sort of reunited and that's that? I think so. Oh, and it turned out, I tested positive for being pregnant

because one of the mosquitoes I ate out was pregnant. Okay. Now, that's something. That's certainly something. Woo! Woo! Woo? No, the audience is confused as to whether to woo or not.

I thought that you were eating her out again. That that's what that noise was. Woo? Actually, we have a clip of me eating her out. If we want to hear it, we have some audio. You will all play that clip? Yeah, let's run that clip. Oh, mo'o hey to that.

Oh, Momo hated that. Oh, magic tavern guys are right. I'm such a loser, and it'll never amount to anything. No, hey, no one ever says that. I don't remember any of them saying that, but I'm sure they would. It sounds like them. No, Mamo, you're fantastic. I don't think any of them would have a reason to say that.

If they didn't respect you, I mean, they'd probably be going to a William of Joel concert right now. They are. That is exactly what Usador is doing. Well, if they didn't like you, why would they leave you this gift for your first episode? What? And does the bow rips off the paper? Wait, why are you opening my present for me? That's the best part.

Yeah, let her open the present, son. What the heck, my God. She's calling him son already. It's because he didn't have a father figure. That's your fault. Yeah. And say, and smit, and smitten it. It's Mayor Manunu.

Yes, they gave me the corpse of my ex-boyfriend. Oh, I was told it was a different banana. That's so kind of them. Wow, I really needed that. You could make a banana bread husband. Yeah, I can. That's so sweet. Oh, they do believe in me.

All right, I got a pep in my step. I'm feeling a second wind. I'm ready to get back in there. Eric, how you doing, buddy? What do you remember? Oh, I'm just a huge fan. I'm so glad to be here. And, uh, first time call her.

John, we were right. He totally reset. That's the best news. Should I come up? No, Chant, I got it. Delilah, any word on the, the tiny socks guy? Babe, we got him. We got him.

He's here. He's backstage. He's ready when you are. Thank you for finally stop. You stopped covering up your accent. before you you were downplaying it and now you really went

for the accent I wanted you to do from the jump oh thank Guadises think Guadises yes and again you and I

have rich colorful backstory we went to school together best friends you got me this job but I still earned it

you still earned it we went on vacation once got to huge fights and talked for two years you fell in a volcano I thought you were dead I moved on new best friend

eight years later who shows up on my door Mama. But we don't have time to Lila. We don't have time today to go into that. Episode 10, episode 10. Sorry to interrupt again, but... Oh, yes. I just wanted to say

how much I'm loving the show and I regret coming and interrupting before, even though I'm interrupting again. I just want you to know that as long as you want, Tiny Pants will be a sponsor of Hello from the Teeny Tavre. Speaking of things that are tiny,

let's welcome out to the stage. Brother! What? Woo! Why don't you do this? Woo? Oh, they don't know whether or not to woo.

Hello, Roger. Oh, hello, Timothy. Well, I suppose there is time that we battle to the death. Yes, I think we shall finally do this thing. I hate you, and I shall sell tiny socks. even if it is the last thing I do and I shall sell tiny pants that shall cover those tiny socks

making them almost pointless how I've hated you how I've hated you for covering my socks all these years I'm right right right fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight right wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait what what wait

I can't push between the two of you and I can't very easy because I got human strength I'm so strong. Hey, hey. So strong. I'm sorry. You guys, this is not what Teeny Tavern is all about. I started this in protest for the way that tiny things were being treated around this place.

People were hitting us with flip-flops and setting traps for us and squishing us with their feet and then going, ew, ill, ew, ew, ew. They're tossling our hair. Yeah. Or whatever chunts got going on with masturbation. Or pulling off our legs. Yes, they're pulling off our legs. Or not respecting us unless we're wearing cute pants. Exactly.

We tiny people in the world, we're not treated so fair most of the time. And what happens if we're infighting? We're making it easier for the big guys to pick on us. That's not what being teeny is all about. Being teeny is for sticking up for what's right despite how small you feel. I don't remember what I do. I don't remember what I just said, so I can't say it again. She's a goldfish.

But what I can do is promise each and every tiny creature in this world that I'll protect you, and I won't exploit your pain for content. I'm sorry, Grasshopper family for doing that. I'm sorry, brothers who were kind enough to sponsor the show. It is all right. I'll be better moving forward. No, I thank you. I have just devoured my brother Timothy.

And now I run both tiny pants and tiny socks. Everything is coming up. Roger! Well, I can't undo the pain that that just caused. And Roger seems pretty okay, so. Hey, Mom, Chunt here. Chant, you're doing... Chant?

You're a fingernail. What were you doing in my audience, Chant? Watching within... I was, I don't know. I was a fingernail the whole show, I think. Oh, that sounds right. I guess. Listen, you got a lot of blood streaming into your mouth, which I think is good because it's...

You keep refilling yourself, so you'll never... It's like an infinity machine. Oh, it's like the thing from Dune. Oh, like the Sand Dune's out back? Yeah, like the sand dunes out back. Yeah. Hey, uh, please, don't talk about sand dunes. Oh, we're sorry.

We're sorry. I thought that was a vampire for a second. No, no, it's just me. Look, I'm almost out of water And I gotta go back to the river where I live My magic helmet's almost gone And you were talking about sand dunes And I got so scared

Well, it's so nice that you As such a huge fan showed up here today We want to apologize You're not married to either of us I was trying to make good content And I manipulated a very sweet soul Oh, well that's okay I'm gonna get a tattoo here

that says, best friends forever, Chunt and Mo Mo and Eric, and I'm sure I'll be around all the time. That's very sweet, Eric. We'll see how you do numbers-wise, and we'll get back to you. Oh, big fan. First time caller.

Oh, sweet Eric. Aw, I'm glad to hear a small fan really caught on. Chant, you do need to take me to a doctor of some kind. Momo, absolutely. You crush it. I think we're coming to the close of the first episode. You were amazing. I know you're about to collapse.

We're going to get you all stitched up, but I think you said when you handed me the sort of show notes for today's episode, you said you wanted to end with a top 50 list at the desk. So just do your top 50 list. Shut, show business is hard. That's what Arne always says. All right, let me, I'll start with my top 50 list. And as always, I'm going to end, hello from the teeny tavern with my classic top 50 list. This week's list is, what's cute when it's small?

Number 50, a baby. Woo! Number 49. Little, those little things of Vaseline. That was 49. Baby to. Number 48. Um, uh, ah.

Oh, sorry, I'm back from the concert. Oh, you should have. How was William Joel? Oh, William of Joel. Oh, no, he decided to take me on. He was like, so you think you're such a big shot, do ya? Did you? Did he call you an Uptown girl?

I killed him. Oh, no. Who's going to write songs? Where do they go? In the middle of a night. Thank you so much for tuning in to Tini Tadlow from the Tini Tavern. I got a head injury. We knew this is how this was going to end.

And we'll see you next time where I will stop looking for the approval of men. Chunt, the one thing I said was don't let her bleed out. I know. I know. It just happened so fast. If you love that, there was even more Tini Tavern behind the paywall. But first, Momo the Mouse was played by Aaron Keefe. You can listen to Aaron on Hey Riddle Riddle wherever you get your podcast.

And you can also hear her in the Pixar TV series, Win or Lose. Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rify. Usador the Blue was played by Matt Young. This episode was produced by Matt Young, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate Producer Anna Hoverman, special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. This episode was edited by Red Keener, logo by Allard Laban, themed by Andy Poland. Become a patron and support the show for just five bucks a month. month. Soon you'll hear all about Momo's roommates, who are literal buttons, and her new

bow, a hot dog. Why don't they make Peabody Awards for podcasts? Oh, they do? But then why? Oh, well, never mind. Hey, but maybe things will turn around if we keep that content machine up and running, right? If you've ever considered becoming a patron, now is the time. You get some sweet benefits, including two new bonus episodes each month, a monthly newsletter from the hosts, access to the Magic Tavern Discord, early access to live shows, the fullback catalog of bonus content, and ad-free versions of the main show. That time they got more sort of conspiratorial every time. And the incredible feeling of supporting an independently produced production like this one.

That one comes free. Learn more at patreon.com slash magic tavern. And until next time, keep it tiny, my babies.