Hello From The Magic Tavern - Patreon Unlock: Offices and Bosses S2E5: Vampire Neighbors

Episode Date: July 6, 2026

Enjoy this unlocked bonus episode from our Patreon! The vampires Chip and Bippy stop by to play squatters living next door. Sure hope you like Star Wars!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Credits:Arnie, aka Hayden Christensen: Arnie NiekampChunt, aka Danger La Grange: Adal RifaiUsidore, aka John Bastion: Matt YoungMetamore: Bill ArnettChip, aka Mark McGrath: Jeff MurdochBippy, aka Angelique: Jo ScottDorian Deville, aka Mr. Ropely: Zach ThompsonProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Tim JoyceTheme Music: Andy PolandOffices and Bosses Logo: Allard LabanProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Gustavo Sorola, and if you love D&D-style adventures full of humor and heart, you should check out Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Tales from The Stinky Dragon is a cinematic listening experience complete with guest performances from professional voice actors and comedians, immersive sound design, and its own musical score. Go on a thrilling journey with four friends and me, Gus, their very patient, dungeon master, as we stumble through disastrous dice rolls, questionable role play decisions, and even a few wholesome, feel-good moments along the way. You can binge our first two campaigns or join us every other week for our latest third campaign.

No matter where you decide to start listening, you're guaranteed to have a side-stop. splitting journey that's fun for all ages and perfect for both d and d and veterans and newcomers alike just search for taleswinter stingy dragon wherever you listen to podcast and subscribe today am yousadour or the blue and you're listening to an episode of offices and bosses released from behind the paywall quick update on king arnie he's at the top of his class because as the king he's the only student today's episode the fifth of season two originally released in may 2018 This and all of Owen B, season two, happens about halfway through season two of Hello from the Magic Tavern. But you can listen to over 100 bonus episodes, including every past season of offices and bosses,

by going to patreon.com slash Magic Tavern and becoming a patron right now. More about Patreon and its many perks after the episode. But for now, enjoy Offices and Bosses, Season 2, Episode 5. Fear not. marketing manager IT professional sales rep and temp I am office manager your guide in the realm of offices and bosses ah chip Bippy welcome back hello you Sotaur it's good to see you it's good seeing you I want to see more though oh well I have to be careful I did turn into a vampire for a while.

I don't want to make that mistake again. Are you sure? Are you sure? Sure. It is tempting now. You tempt me with your blood red eyes. Oh, yes. Take her. I'll just sit over here. No, no, no, no, no. We must control ourselves.

We have a game to play today. Yes. Oh, yay. I like games. Speaking of which, Metamore, come over to the table. Yeah, okay. Hey, have you met Chip and Pippi yet? Yeah, we actually were rolling up some characters earlier. Yeah. For them to play.

Wonderful. And, yeah, I'm excited to get them playing. They're... Vampires, right? Yes. You don't have to say to the side of your mouth. Yeah, we can hear. We have very good hearing.

Not because we're vampires, just because we take care of our years. Well, that's important. That's important. All people don't think about their oral health. Now, Metamore, I've been going through these manuals and books. I've been wondering, is there a way for me to borrow some money from my parents in the game? Yes, depending on your character's background and whatnot.

You might be able to. And, of course, the goal of the game is to be able to pay all your bills and have enough money left over to buy a TV and a stereo. So that's the goal, is to get some kind of job or regular employment. Can I see the electronics, man? Yeah, there you are. It's got to be a nice TV, too. A nice TV?

A nice TV and a stereo. Well, there's a bunch of TVs in here. Perhaps I could buy one of the lower-end ones and be all right? It needs to be a nice one. It needs to be a... What I'm hearing is it's important to have a nice television. Yes, yes. That's how you know you're no longer unemployed.

We can go down and just spend some nice money. Well, it's funny you mention borrowing money from your parents because our friends here, their characters will be playing. Skippy and Bibby? Bibi and Chip. Bibby and Chip. Bibby and Chip. They have chosen to play the character class of Street Kid.

Yes. Hey, what's happening? So they're probably ran away from home, and even though your parents are probably desperately trying to reach out to you. Yes, and they're very rich. They want us to come home. Yes, but we don't want to because we're 20, and we want to see the world.

We want to live, like how the caveman there. Oh, yes, melly by a dumpster. That's kind of unfortunate, is that they actually could, leverage some money from their parents. But they won't. So they're choosing to be poor. Mm-hmm. I think it chooses us.

Yeah, we are punks from the gutter. Yeah, and they've got some musical instruments. Yes. And a dog with a bandana. Yes, of course. My musical instrument is a banjo with no strings. And my musical instrument is a harmonica. Now, what does a dog do with a bandana?

Looks fly as hell. Vampires! Vampires! Vampires! Vampires! Vampires! Oh, hello, Ani! Oh, hey, Chip and Bippy! I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. Well, come closer, you'll get a better look. Here, I already have a picture of blood for you. Oh, no. Usseldot.

My, my, my, thank you. I'm going to whistlewets. Hey, it's good to see you guys again. I just wanted to say, Is it cool that there are vampires here? Remember that time you turned into a vampire for a number of episodes? We can hear you. We have good ears. I, uh, yes, of course I remember that I turned into a vampire, but I'm much better now.

And even though I was dispatched from this world temporarily and trapped in an ambulance, and now I have returned. And all is well again. Uh, but today, Chip and Bibi are here to play offices and bosses with us. Yes, yes, we're down for it. Oh, all right. So you should know that Arnold plays Hating Christensen, an MFA student getting a creative writing degree.

Ooh. Hey, Christensen. Yeah, I'm shopping around my manuscript. I think I see. What is it about? You know what? You can't really, like, boil it down that simply. It's really more about the language I use.

Oh, he's so good at this game. You don't have to be in character, right? He's so good. And you guys, I mean, I'm sorry, are you guys going to play, I see on your scrolls in front of you, you're going to be playing like kids of the street? Yes. Yes. Gutterpunks, dance.

My name is Angelique. Angelique? Yes. Yeah, and my name is Mark McGrath. Mark McGrath? Yeah. Oh, are you two related? Are you her big brother?

No. I'm her little brother. We'll actually be, they'll actually play a role here in our, in our gameplay. Not right exactly at the beginning, but very early on, we'll introduce them. Just waiting for danger LaGrange, I guess. Oh, sorry, sorry I'm like, guys. I was pod racing. What?

It's pod racing? What's that? You stand at the top of the hill and you put a peepot and see whose peepot can hit the bottom first. Past the finish line. I was playing, do you know, Sid Bulba? No. He's Bulba. I think you know him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's strapping. Walks on his hands. Yeah, he's jacked. His legs are at your feet, but he's jacked. It sounds familiar. I feel like maybe I met him once a long time ago and then just actively forgot about him.

Oh, that's rude. Why would you do that to someone? Why would you do that, honey? I don't know. You're such a bink. While I was saying it, I felt like I was being clever, but now I do kind of regret it. It was sort of a mean.

thing to say. You are a bit of a bink. Bink? Yeah. When someone's acting way too silly, we call them a bink. Oh, I have been way too silly lately. Assume you're going up a phantom hill face to do your pod racing. Oh, yep, absolutely. Yes. The pod racing is the only

fun thing about that entire hill. I'm sure. It's a terrible hill. It's a bit of a hike. It's a bit of a hike. It sounds like a menace. It's a bit of a menace. It's a bit of a menace. It's a truly, truly a menace. Hopefully they don't clone it and make another one.

Oh, Chip, there he goes. There he goes. Chant, I lost my shirt up at the Padres, thanks to you. I guess the first round will be on me. I'd appreciate it. Thank you so much. What would everyone like? Do you have blood?

I'll take a dub of blood. Yes, well, as a trickster god, I have limitless amounts of blood I can supply. Let me just fill this pitcher here. Oh, wow. What is the type of this? I have the faintest idea. I know that it's human. Oh.

Yeah, that's human. Yeah, this human is like early 30s. Rich. Oh, so rich. Oh, so rich. Early 30s. High in iron. So Chip and Dippy, do you prefer to drink the blood of the rich?

Well, I mean, I personally like a blood that will not leave me destitute. Yeah, Arnie, I like blood that kind of has a story behind it. Yes. I mean, would you, like, I ask you the question, what is your favorite drink, Arnie? Oh, well, red potion is my favorite. Red potion? Now, would you like a red potion that you found a very nice alchemy shop? Or would you like a red potion found in a dirty, dirty, dirty diaper bit? You know, at first I wasn't that into your first example, but your second example was far.

far worse. I would say I would prefer the alchemy shop. What a choice. Yeah, that's how I see it. I see people that are dirty as diaper bins. All these things are relative. And of course, if you don't like what you're drinking, you can just air your general grievances. General grievances. Sounds like a bit of a stretch. Chip, I have a question for you.

When you were drinking your blood out of a tankard, you took many, like, a small little wicks of the blood. But when you're drinking from someone's neck, are there tunnels in your teeth where the blood goes... Well, truthly told, although my ears are good, my teeth have decayed over the years. So I can only drink by licking. And if I see somebody with a weak enough neck, I could lick a hole into it. And that's how I would get it. How long does that take? Many, many days.

Luckily, there's some people that are not the smartest light bulb in the box. Is that where the phrase, that's going to take me a few days to live? look a hole in your neck comes from? Yes, you heard it. You do know that. I've heard it. That's coup. I just did not the origin.

Do coo. Yes. And I can, I can suck through my teeth still, but I lick for it. She licks for me because sometimes two tongues can do what one tongue or not. Oh, that's very true. You sit door. Oh, so sensual. God, this game is truly for play.

We haven't even started playing. We haven't even started really going. Then let's start. Well, to begin the game Ah, the three of you have You've lost your fourth Well, we've lost Mariska She has ran off successfully

And now the three of you are faced with somehow Trying to get some money Unfortunately, as the next month of rent is coming up You're going to have to try to find some more money One idea that has occurred to you Is perhaps Mr. Robly May need some work done around the building There's maybe some odd jobs around the building

The pool has some leaves in it There may be some other work to be done around the building This place has a pool? When you say there's leaves in it Is that leaves on top of the water Or just drained with leaves on the bottom? Some leaves are on top, some leaves are on the bottom And what is a pool?

It's a large container of water Oh, like a human Yeah, in a way, in a way, yeah It's like a lake that someone can own Oh, rich people. I love it. Something else that happens, and I'm sure Mr. Ropley will mention it, is that he is worried that some, well, some street kids have squatted in one of the apartments.

I wonder who that is. Oh, and I'm sorry to harp on this. The leaves that are on the water, were they put their leaf by leaf, or did Windu dead? Oh! Dorian DeVille has just appeared before us. Yes, I brought some blood earlier. I went back to the bar for drinks. They're out of glasses, so all I could get was a jar and a jar. Ah.

Two jars. Aren't you being a rope banks. Well, that's our show. Well, I'll begin our game, in honest. Mr. Ropley, it doth occur to me that we may need take on some tasks wherein we would procure money from thee. Well, the pool boy was found dead in one of the apartments, so I do need someone to clean the pool. And I have a slight concern.

That concern is that there is a... The dead pool boy? Well, no, I'm afraid Mrs. Ropley may be responsible for that. Oh, oh. But... Subplot. There is also an apartment that is filled with two people I don't recognize. And a canine.

And as you know, according to the rules of the lease, there are no canines allowed. so I think they are here without a lease. Well, I suppose Hayden, danger. We should go investigate and see who's squatting in that apartment. Listen, I was going to call the police, but if you can go and convince them to leave, great. I'll give you $50, which is what it would cost me to get the police here.

Wait, is that $50 each or $50 collectively? $50 for that task collectively. And then there's another $120 in it, If you clean the pool. That's not nearly enough to buy a 60-inch television. If we evict them, are we going to get in a fight? I mean, is it illegal for a dog to not have a lease? Depends on the municipality.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's go kick down some doors. Oh, and Chip and Bippy, by the way, you want to do character voices. Oh. Some of us choose to do character voices that are closer to our own voice, but then some of us choose to take on larger character voice. A character voice?

I guess I'll try that. It'll surprise us when we get to the bigger. He turned into a bat and then back into a vampire. Sorry about that. Believe me, Ani, we role-played quite a bit. We love voices. I must ask, I like blood, but I was trying to... Do you have any gin here that I could try?

You may try some gin? Yes. They're quite gone, gin. Oh, that rat. Aiden. Yes. Will you please just try some gin? Yes.

They're quite gone, gin. Oh, Trot. Aidan. Yes. Will you please just be a good friend? friend to me and help me open these doors and find these squatters. Yeah. Oh sorry, my character voice. You just be a good friend to me. Will you be a good friend of me and help me do that? Of course John. You will be?

You'll be. Danger, will you help me find squatters? I'm up for anything. You're willing to be my friends? Yeah. I mean, yeah, I could crawl under the door and see what the situation is. So lucky to have two friends. It's wonderful. Let us go. Go and roll the die. See if you are lucky to have those two friends. Oh. Wait, you're lucky to have those two friends. Oh. Wait, wait. You're lucky to have two friends. us as your two friends or you're lucky to have two friends? I'm lucky to have you as two friends. Okay. But I have to roll aside if I'm out of six.

Uh, six. And you kind of are lucky to have those two friends. You're pretty lucky to have them. They're your friends, but you're lucky to have them. Uh, you approach the door, uh, that Mr. Ruppley informed you of. Uh, it is, uh, it is, uh, dark inside. It's quite dark inside. Hello?

Who's there? There's certainly no dead. bullboys in here. I think we're at the wrong apartment. Yeah. We're going to get mauled in the dark. We gotta stay away from Mrs. Ropley. I smell, I smell Hayden Christensen.

Oh, no. Let's get away from here. Get away from here. We decide to go around the corner and find another open apartment door. Sure, sure. Around the corner, you see an apartment where there's a broken skateboard leading up against the door and just a bunch of... Starfoam, takeout containers.

Empty, soiled, starfum, just sitting on the ground. Hello? Salutations. Who be within there? Hey, friend. Hey, what's up? Come on in. Come on in.

Hi, my name is John Bastion. This is my friend Hating Christensen. Hi, it's Christensen. Christensen. Hello, Christians. And my other friend, D'Angela Grange. I'm a one-inch baby. Oh.

You sure are a little baby. My name's Mark McGrath. My name's Angelique, and we are just. just all about peace and love. Honestly. I think if we just got rid of all money, the world would be better off. Well, then you couldn't get a TV in a stereo though.

Dude, who needs a TV when my world is a TV? Follow me. I put my arm around his shoulder. I want to follow him and see the ways of this world is like a TV. Perhaps there is another way to win this game that we did not expect, which is by upturning the very expectation that we should focus so single-mindedly upon material. Goods?

Not really. No, you got to get that TV in the stereo. And have regular employment to afford it. You know, Mark, when you put your arm around me, baby, I just want to fly. All right. So I lead him to the outside again. You do that. You'd have to roll a dye on, see how convincing you are.

You are smelly and stinky. Okay, so there's going to be some, does it matter which dye I use? The 20. The 20. All right. And you'll subtract three because you're. Kind of stinky against me. Kind of stinky.

All right. Can I wet myself to make myself stinkier? Your character? Yes. I mean, I'm method. I'll do it. You don't need to do it. Honestly.

Chip and baby, I think it's important to let you guys know that the dice do the work in this game. So you don't have, like, actively. Yeah, like if you were to kill someone in this game, you don't kill them. Dice do the work. Well, Ani, should I take my arm off your shoulder now? Oh, no, this is kind of comforting. I don't know. You have a good back.

I mean, honestly, your shoulders are very strong. Really nice. Although you hold some stress up here. I would like to take that out later. Hey, hey, hey, no. Sorry, just kidding. Arnie, stay put for two or three days. And please, before you roll, let Usador blow that.

Usadar, will you blow on this D-20? Of course. All that D. Here, let me blow your D. Oh. Oh, Jesus Christ. I don't know who that is. Here we go.

I rolled a five. Yeah, you're, you're, he's pretty gross. Okay. Pretty gross. Oh, okay. Yeah. Won't you come with me? No.

Am I gross too? You, as a street kid, you are automatically a degree of gross. Oh, right. But there are some positive traits. If you play some music for them, if you have some tattoos that might be, to be kind of cool and seem in the right situation. Diamonds in the rock. Oh, yes.

I do, I have a tattoo across my belly, and my belly is exposed right now. I'm like, they have an open vest. And it's a picture of a bunch of like weird, metal birds of fighting each other in the air, and some of the birds are just battle droids. They're not real people. Is that one of those, the falcon?

Yeah, this is a falcon, but he's like a 2000-era falcons, like a millennium falcon. And this one right here is a, well, it looks like a bow tie. So I think I'm going to call it a bow fighter. Wow. Won't you swap it? And up there, closer to your shoulder, it's like a constellation. It's like a Star War.

Do my tattoos work on him? Those tattoos are on your character sheet, correct? Yes. I did those earlier this morning. Can I ask, who did the tattooing? Some guy named Dan. Dan did the tattooing. So I guess it's a Dantoine.

Yes, I've heard of Dan Tween. They're on Dan Tween. Oh, I'm sweating. I'm sorry, I'm a bit of a moisture farmer right now. Will, you got a do-back. Despite your grossness, we must ask you to vacate now, and as intriguing as your words are to us, we must make money, and Mr. Roply will give us money

if we get you out of the support. Do you, does Mr. Ropoli own the land? Can we sing a song to kind of like make this pass? Yes. One and a two and a one, two. Please come into our house. Come into our house, you guys. Here's our puppy, he is fun.

Come into our house, everyone. Here's our puppy, he licks up. Come on, baby, that's enough. Come into our house. All right, that was wonderful. If you want to roll a high to see how convincing that is, you will get a bonus modifier. Okay, should we both roll one?

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, one, two. Oh, a natural 20. Oh, wow. Wow. You guys are going to have to roll to see if you can resist the, that was an amazing persuasive.

Not just the song, but there are undulations during the song. And Chip tucked his penis between his legs. Yes, I'm sorry. I know I'm method. I met it. I know you said I don't have to be, but when I have a chance to tuck my penis between my legs, I'm going to take it.

Sure, sure. Let's see what you got here and try to resist that. Two. Five. Yeah, I don't have much in the way of resistance at three. Okay. Well, the street kid gutter punk lifestyle seems appealing. It really seems appealing right now.

And you do enter their apartment. Yeah, nice. But honestly. And now six. Yes. Perhaps as the day wears on, you may get some chances to roll again to see if you want to stay. Okay. A street kid, gutter punk.

When meal time comes around, you know, you might get hungry, and that could give you some bonuses to help resist. Yes. But it's going to be difficult to resist those natural 20s. You do have a, at my sheet, I do have a garbage bag full of pasta. That is correct. So just to be clear, Meta Moore, according to the dice, very clearly, it seems like this lifestyle seems like a good idea to us. Yeah, you are enraptured. You are charmed by them and by their lifestyle and feel that a compulsion to join them.

Okay. Should I roll to see how much my attraction to this lifestyle is affected by my sexual attraction to both of these two? I love. Yes, ah, yes. You can if you like. You've got to roll them separately to see which one you find yourself more attractive to. Oh. So, wait, can my real-life reaction to this in any way affect this?

Like if I'm just disgusted by this whole thing, can I, can that affect the role? You're under their spell. You're under their spell. We have charmed, you are. You have been charmed. You have nothing you can do. Mark McGrath has got you.

I'll roll for Mark first. Oh, yes. Come on. Let me shake that up. 19. Oh, do you like Mark? Now I shall roll for Angelian. Yes, yes.

20. Wow. Well, you like them. both. I'm not going to lie. It's like edges it out. Can I ask, would you roll for our puppy, too? 43. Oh, God.

What? Welcome to the family. Oh, la, la. You're going to have a hard time resisting that. And if they can get their claws in you, not just with their music, but also with their... And their pasta. And they're kind of dirty, gross, but cool with it sex, you know, that could be really difficult to break free.

You're going to be charmed quite... Yeah. You have a tough time getting him out of your. Hayden, Grisers said, in danger. Yeah. Danger. Yeah. It might be time for us to just give up John Sebastian as a loss.

I'm going to see where this goes. I'm invested. I'm so happy that you two decided to be my friends because earlier I was begging Danger and Hayden to be my friends. I just begged them over and over. I said, will you please, please, O.B.1. Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

We are from. Just be one. We did not choose you to be our friends, all right? Okay. The stars chose us, especially that death star. It brought you to us. Yes. You have to realize we're, the world's bigger than our checkbooks.

Yes. And our nine to fives. All right. If you really want to live your life, strapped to a desk, well, I, I pity you, brother. We need you two to roll. You two need to roll a D2. A D2? Roll two D2s.

Oh, okay. Roll two D2s. Yeah, R2D2. Okay. We'll see how your little speech effect. All right. Okay. Rolling two D's, here's your D2.

Here's my D2. Okay. Ooh, I got a three. See? What? See? Three? C3?

I see three. I'm pissed off. You P-O? Yeah, P-Oed? I'm a little P-O. You saw three and you got P-Oed? Yo, the only way you're going to get that role is if you're cheating, right? No.

Okay, I'm sorry. It's fairly rare to get a three on a two-sided die, but two-sided die itself does break some. Sometimes if you land it right on, so it's a coin. So if it just stands straight up, that is a three. Where I play it from, I don't know if that rule works here. Yeah, we'll honor it. So you have lost John Sebastian. John Bastion.

He's got me saying it. I apologize to you, sir. You've lost John Bastion to the street kids. You yourself feel a little draw towards them, but it's going to be easier for you two to resist. I feel like I should not get some kind of bonus just for like the sake of the babies? Nope.

I'll leave the baby bond. Well, it will be mealtime soon, and I'm sorry about a bag of pasta is not going to be the kind of thing you're used to. As a art school student, Hayden Christensen. You've heard this before. Yeah.

This is not new to you. Especially an art school student who got his MFA in Tucson, Arizona. Yeah, you've definitely heard this before. So you're going to get some bonuses resisting, especially when lunchtime rolls. Any time a meal time rolls around. Being a street kid is going to make anyone question the fact that you're still a street kid. Yeah, yeah. The food's not that great.

You really have to chew. It's kind of chewy. Especially, it's going to be very hard. You need to use the back of your teeth. Yeah, chew in the back. Yeah. So if you want to give it a roll, Hayden, yeah.

Got a roll again, Hayden and danger to see if, now that it's meal time, if you can resist the street kid life. This is how I sound when I eat. Will that be a plus or minus to my roll? Definite minus. Yeah, or definite plus, yeah. Got a nine? With that chewing, you are beginning to see maybe these guys are losers.

Maybe this isn't quite so nice. Okay. Yeah. Hayden. Oh, I roll a five again. You're still suckered in. You're still suckered in. Rachel, dinner time. Maybe you can resist it. Don't worry we have pasta for dinner, too.

You've got some heavy negative modifiers here, John Bastion, to try to resist. I decide that I'm not going to try to eat, but I'm going to make love to them if they consent. Okay. If you want to roll and see if you can make your move, step two, and we'll see what they have to say about that. 12. It's a medium suave.

He is new to the lifestyle, and that might affect you. But if you guys each one, you want to roll, see who's into it here. All right. I rolled a 15. Okay. Okay. I rolled a two. Well, Mark McGrath, he's good to go.

Angelique might need a little more wooing. This makes no sense. What's going on? So wait, Eustador, here's the sex manual. Oh, thank you. There we know. If you think I'm going to like turn down this strapping young man, I have to say, nah, boo. Now, I believe that if I successfully make love to mock McGrath, that Angelique would immediately be more interested in me.

That's exactly how it works all the time. No one has ever not worked that angle. Depending on how well you fuck a younger brother, the older sister will. Is that the same in all? It must be, right? Walk away. I'm walking away. I forgot that they were brother and sister. I fully admit that's on me.

I want to roll to converse with Bippy to see if I can get a specific piece of information. Sure. That's a 17. Yeah, what is it you need to know? Angelique, what's the name of your dog? Oh, the name of our dog is Terence. Thank you so much for asking cute, baby. Of course. I'm a little one-inch baby.

Oh, I love that about you. Yeah, his name is Terrence. He used to be a person. Am I having sex right now? Am I in your shot or I just want to know? I believe we're making love right now. You're making love right now. Probably right in front of them in the same room.

Zero shame, zero. I'm so sorry. Can I just stop to roll to see if I can follow up on the fact that that dog used to be a human? Yeah. Okay. Let's say 15. Yeah, you're going to find out.

What? Oh, yeah. So my dad passed away. I'm so sorry. That's okay. It happens. And, yeah, I just noticed that the dog that used to go by Ralphie just kind of started bossing me around. And I said to Mark.

I rolled 10 while I'm having sex. It's not the best I've had, but it's not. Yeah. Well, it's your performance. I said to Mark, I think that's my dad. And he said, I think it's your dad. I did say that. Yeah.

And we started calling Ralphie Terrance, and that's how I went. So the soul of your dad went into the dog? Absolutely. Some sort of dog dad? It's a dog dad. You want a role to see if you buy that? 19? You don't buy it.

You don't buy it. This is broken the charm spell they had on you. You now realize that this street kid gutter punk lifestyle is just a dead end. It's a dead end. I believe that your dad died. I mean, Dagobah. Yeah. But I don't believe that that dog has his spirit.

Okay. Can I enroll to see if I can burst in here with the police officer? Yes, in fact, it's about time. It's been a while, and I'm surprised to Mr. Roply should be checked. Can I roll to see if I can burst in here with the police officer? Yes, in fact, it's about time. It's been a while, and I'm surprised Mr. Roply should be checking on them or a police officer, someone's for sure.

All right. Knock, knock, knock very loudly. Oh, no, someone's at the door, the end door. Oh, no. You have an end door? Yeah, there's the start door and the end door. I guess some people call it front and back, but what are you going to do? I have a key, so I'm opening the door.

Yes, you have a key, Mr. Roop. I throw my naked body against it. Officer, something is blocking this door. Please kick it down. And I run and hide under, like, a piece of carpet or something because, you know. A piece of dust. Yeah. I'm, ooh, teeny.

I quickly place my fedora over my genitals. Okay, and I get naked. You want to roll a police officer to break the door down? All right, you do. Yeah, the door's broken down. Oh, Officer Kevin Kubicheski with the police coming in. All right, Mr. Ropley, why don't you tell me who are these are the rent payers? Honestly, officer, I'm not sure right now.

There's so much... Wait a minute. Are you two the Trent Darby kids? The kids of Terrence Trent Darby? You know our father? He's right here. Terrence, come here, puppy. This is not Terrence Trent Darby?

Wish me love of the wishing well, it's not. Officer, I want these people thrown out of here. This is a farce. Well, you heard the man, I'm an officer of the law, and therefore I have to evict you. What? This is no farce. We would not use the farce. Yeah, Mr. Robo, he had to call the police.

So that's that's $50 down the drain, but you still could get that $120 for cleaning out of the pool. If you can break the charm spell. Certainly with the police here is going to also give it another role, Hayden Christensen to try to break the charm. 11? Yeah, with your experience with, you know, college philosophy and the police, you are able to resist the charm spell of the other kids.

John Bastion, roll again. 16. You break it. You're standing there naked with your fedora there. You have Mark McGrath juices, sweats on you. It's not a lot of sex juice, but it's like just garbage juice. Life juice.

Garbage juice. What was I do? Me, baby. Listen, a lot of us have lost control in front of a hat. I understand it. I'm going to let you off the warning. But I need you to clear out of here. Yes, sir. We'll clear out of here. Let's get out of here, guys. Sorry about that. I was just sucked in immediately. It happens, you know. All right. Okay. Hey, you guys still on the party? I think you're going to jail now. You come with us? It's just temporary, you know.

It's just a chapter in our life. There's like six chapters at least. Like our dad used to be a human, and now he's a dog. He's on this third chapter. That's just a dog. that Angelo thinks it's bossy. Okay. Okay. Oh my gosh, I forgot that you're a dog expert. Can you hear me the dog manual? Do I, yes.

Do I have dog expertise? Is that right? I don't see that on my sheet anyway. I don't think you do have dog expertise. Wait, he was being sarcastic. Yeah, I'm very proficient in sarcasm. So the cops are trying to take us away? That's correct.

The cops are trying to take you away. I'm going to use the bag of pasta on the cops. Sure. As a weapon or as pity? Huh. This is a good question. Oh, weapon. Okay.

I'll go and roll a die to swing that bag of pasta. Oh, I love. Ooh, it's an eight. Okay. It's such a half-hearted weak attempt. The police officer doesn't even feel that it was an attempt at assault. Really? So, yeah.

All right, you scamp. You go ahead and clear it out of here, then. You were free to go? I don't know. I don't know if Mr. Ropley wants to. press charges. You're gosh darn right. I want to press charges.

I'm a landowner. And I think Danger wants to maybe help them out because he maybe feels a little bad for them. So he's going to call his lawyer friend Tina. Now, can Tina come here immediately? Or do we have to wait for her to like actually run? Most assuredly can Tina can be here. Noted. Yeah, danger calls, you know.

Sure. You want to roll a die for that. Okay. And that's a natural one. Okay. She says, no, I'm not going to represent. Makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she's not going to, she's not coming over.

Thank you so much for trying. Thank you for trying. Honestly, could you? Honestly, more people need to be like you in the world. Our dad's a dog. But like, our aunt lives around here, but she sings a lot. She's a chorus aunt. Well, once a day, as a street kid, you do have to roll to try to resist the urge to go back home.

Oh, yeah. And actually have a shower and whatnot. Cold shower, half the shower? Any just life, you know, just get off the street. So if you go to how to roll now and any low number is going to make you want to yearn for home. Here we go. Ooh, I rolled a six. And I rolled a four.

Yeah, the tug at home. As much as you hate your parents and hate that consumerism lifestyle, boy, a hot meal. and a bath. I'm sure would be pretty good right now. Okay, I'm going to roll to beg that I don't go to jail. Sure, sure. He's 12.

I don't know. Let's see some begging, you know. Please don't send me to jail. Okay, all right. I didn't want to do it, but they made me, those three guys made me do this. It was their idea. It was their idea.

Say what? They told us about this building. Yeah, we were just passing by. What? We're good kids. We have wealthy parents. Why would we do this? We have so many nice TVs.

I'm going to be a singer one day. This is ridiculous. And to think, I trusted you, John Bastion, my lone rent-paying renter, and all these roommates you brought in it. My complex. I didn't tell these people anything. He tried to have sex with me.

You are the only one in the lease. At first it was three men and a baby, then it was two men and baby. That was back to three. Then it was a model and two men and a baby. and a lady, an old lady, by the name of beef, and two men and a baby? In case any of you have missed the earlier episodes, that's a pretty good recap. I'm sorry, Mr. Roply. I'll get to cleaning the pool right now.

Wait a minute, dear. What's this? Yes, that's right. It's me, Mrs. Roply. Have a heart. Let them stay. But I called Officer Kupicheski out here. That's right. I'm here to make sure these folks clear out of here. Just let them stay, dear. Uh, yeah, upon hearing Mrs. Ropley, uh,

I think it's pretty exciting here, but she may ask her something in return. I don't know if someone can offer something to Mrs. Robly, so that she will insist even more. Should we agree to this or not? We don't know what the cost is yet. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, we don't have money for rent. We don't have money for a TV.

Or a stereo. Or a stereo. Fine. We agree. All right, you agree. Mrs. Roply gives her demands, which are she will have one date with Hayden Christensen. Oh, that's me. Yeah. Yes, that's you.

And those are her demands. I mean, I guess so? Danger starts to set up a table with a red and white checker table. cloth and puts down a candle and starts to light it. Ooh, romantic. And maybe nudges Bipi to see if she might sing some sort of romantic mood setting. And mothograph. Short song.

I'll pay it. I get my banjo. Tonight is the night. You're gonna get it from this man. Wait, you pay them like this. I thought it was subtle. Put it in you up. What?

Yeah. He's gonna give you a baby. Ooh, he's gonna give it to you good. Mr. Ropley is here, still hearing all this. He's gonna lay you. He will get a roll to see if he can overlook this incredibly aggressive song. Incredibly aggressive songs. Let's see here.

What's about my mom's, though? You suspect something is up. But, uh, aren't quite sure. All right, Officer Kubitschewski, let's go back to your squad car and report to Chief Churpa. You got it. You kids have a good day. Uh, so, Mrs. Ropley? Yes, Hayden. How, you know, you look very nice.

Oh, it's this new house, frock. Yeah, um, Mrs. Roply, is everything okay in your home with Mr. Roply? Why, of course it is. Yeah. You know, it's... Just, it's been such a full day and so much has happened and there's been, oh God, so many references. But I'm just, it's just coming back to me now that, you know, I suspect you might be a murderer, which is something that I forgot about until just this moment.

The pool boy fell in and I was trying to save him. It just so happens that his face covered it leaves. And I was pressing him toward the bottom of the pool instead of pulling him up. It's all perfectly understandable. I'm not saying that you killed the pool boy, but just hypothetically, Mrs. Roply, what would have led to the pool boy dying? Hayden, he's just a pool boy. Nobody loves it. References? Pool boys die all the time. Um, maybe. Just maybe he rejected my advances. Oh, Mrs. Roply, I want to get you some help, but first I have to get me some help.

Pardon? Mrs. Roply, I'm, you know what, I just want to pick you some flowers. You know, just to make this night a little more special. I rolled in to see how this is working. Yeah, yeah. Okay. You accept the flowers as full payment for the date. You accept as you're very touched by them and see them both as

consummation of this evening as well as perhaps opportunity for things in the future as well. Ah, good. And then I should make my way back upstairs to my apartment. You boys have a good evening. And on our way out, Danger tries to flatter her and says,

Are you an angel? You stop, little one-inch baby. Sorry. Danger, she's a murderer. I can't believe we've made it to the end of another adventure. We still don't have any money. It's hard to play offices when you're poe.

Damn, we're on a losing streak. Is the dog still around? Yeah, I believe so. Okay. I guess we're, we should probably get out of here, but, uh, yo, da, come on, let's get out of here. My father. Well, I don't know. We're running out of time to buy a TV and a stereo, Arnold.

What are we going to do? Yeah, I don't know. Mennemore, I'm not sure, like, what happens if we... If we get to the end and we don't buy it to eat in the hysteria. You got to keep paying rent until you can. And for some reason, you can't pay rent. Well, then the game will be over. And you'll be living at the Y.

That's the Y. To the debtors prison. Oh, boy. The Y. The Y is a gymnasium. It's also a hotel. Oh, I love hotels. That's also a recreational center.

It's a fantastical. a place that exists within the world of offices and bosses. Oh, my love. I want a Y. Careful listeners will remember. I hate taking a BM at the Y. Would you give me, thank you for coming and play with us. I was so much fun.

Yes. What a joy. Honestly, come on, hands in. Hands in. All right. Now let's close our eyes and lower our heads. Okay. We're praying.

And now don't worry. I'm going to be moving over. Now just let us touch whatever. We touch. Okay, well, uh, sounds like looking. I just, who's neck is this? Get it till you get the whole... Just give me two days.

Uh, metamore. Uh, yes, yeah. Can I make one more roll? Uh, sure, sure. I'm going to roll to see if I really have sex with chippin. 20. There it is. Oh.

Uh-oh. Let's do it. Do you just sneak out of here? I think so. I know. Yeah, yeah. I'll go back away slowly. I'm going to see.

Stay and watch. Prepare for another assault of inscrutable nonsense from the podcast feed. I'll just throw up a magical shield and Oh! Usadol the Wizard, aka John Bastion, was played by Matt Young. Chunt, the

Talking Badger, aka Danger LaGrange, was played by Adlerfy. Chip and Bippy the Vampires, aka Mark McGrath and Angelique, were played by special guest Jeff Murdoch and Joe Scott. Doyen DeVille, a.k.a. Mr. Ropley was played by

Zach Thompson. This episode of Offices and Bosses produced by Any Necamp, Rindy Georgie, and Evan Djokova. This episode was edited by Tim Joyce with production assistance by Garrett Schultz. The officers and bosses logo was designed by Al-Loban. The theme song was composed

by Andy Poland. Oh! Oh, I'm spent. But I'll keep fighting until I can fight no longer. Now, season six of Hello from the Magic Tavern will be returning soon, So I beseech you to support our independent production by going to Hello from themagictavern.com or Patreon.com slash Magic Tavern to become a patron today. You'll receive many Patreon perks, such as access to over 100 bonus episodes with two new episodes every month, even during this break.

You'll also get a monthly newsletter, a quarterly meet and greet, early access to live events, and an ad-free version of the main feed. Until next week, Fairless News.