Hello From The Magic Tavern - Patreon Unlock: Shadow City: Season 3, Ep 1: Trouble in Tinseltown (w/ Anthony Burch)

Episode Date: June 30, 2025

Enjoy this unlocked bonus episode from our Patreon! Crusher, Punches, and Ma are on prisoners on a chain gang and the only way out? Time travel!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!CreditsCrusher: Arnie NiekampMatlida “Ma” O’Brien: Matt YoungTommy “Punches” DePlume: Adal RifaiGame Master: Anthony BurchCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Matt YoungAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Magic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Sage G.C.New T-Shirts in the Merch Store!Check out our upcoming LIVE SHOWS!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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head on over to patreon.com slash magic tavern right now. I'll tell you all about the perks you get after the show, but in the meantime, enjoy your 4th of July and the first episode of season three of one of our fan favorite series, Shadow City. Welcome back. That's right. It's more Shadow City. You demanded it.

We like doing it. The internet is on fire right now because this is coming out. Beyonce is losing her mind. Taylor Swift fully endorsed it. I think Olivia Rodrigo did something and also Chapel Rowan. To be clear, Olivia Rodrigo did something and also Chapel Rowan. To be clear, Olivia Rodrigo did something unrelated. Yes. Yeah, absolutely. It's just good to keep abreast of her.

Yeah, exactly. Right, right, right. Oh, disgusting. Oh, pervert. She's like 22, disgusting. My bad. She's gotta be like 30 by now, right? Still. No, I'm just saying there's like a whole new batch

of like new music people and like slop horse, I Don't even know slop or you don't know Matt. You don't know slop horse. I Don't I also don't know slop horse if we sang a slop horse song you would recognize it So like please do right now. Yeah, so like drums bass drums bass put it straight in my eyes Put it straight in my eyes. Yeah, he's not doing it justice. It's really good. Yeah, it's the new target jingle. Oh Slop horse. Yeah, so of course What a shame then

That up and they inspire that Apple TV show slop horses Gary young men And the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, game master who's taking us through two seasons of Shadow City already and we're really excited about the third. We always have fun. Thank you for being here, Anthony. Of course. Thank you for having me. It's fun to DM for y'all. Well, it's fun to DM for two of you. I'm not going to let you know who the one is. It's me. It's me. It's fine. I don't care. Wait, which one? Yes, this is the drama I want. Adam, we'll fight about who it is later when we're in person. Oh, no, I it is you I was singing songs. Oh It's me. It's me Graham crackers are a must is it all target related. Yeah, they're turn. Yeah, just stopped by Yeah, I think you know how nutter butter went crazy on Twitter and we all ate it up

Target did a thing where they made a band. Remember when Mr. Peanut died? That was crazy. I sadly do. Okay, I feel like I should start now. I feel like we're getting construct. Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure. Okay.

So when we last left you all, you had just gotten out of another weird scrape where you were framed for an assassination that you did not commit and hijinks ensued. But this story is starting several years after that. When we look at Shadow City, typically you see a bustling if crime ridden metropolis, not that one, and superheroes everywhere. But now if you were to come to Shadow City, you would see a dystopian police state

where everyone keeps their head down, there are no superheroes visible anywhere, and dissent is immediately punished by mind control. So the city is under the control of Smarty Pants, a super villain who managed to, after the chaos that you caused last time Take advantage of said chaos and take over Shadow City and turn it into his own dystopian hellhole He has managed to round you up as so many other Reprobates have been rounded up and you are working on a chain gang mining brainium a very rare very

temporally ambiguous substance that powers Smarty Pants' powers and keeps him inside the minds of everyone in Shadow City. So why don't you remind us again as we look at this chain gang of three schmoes chained together, who you are, what you look like, what you sound like. is chained together. Who you are, what you look like, what you sound like. Oh, well, I'm, you know, Mao, Brian,

and I just take care of these two big lugs right here because somebody's gotta take care of them because they can't take care of themselves at all. They're always getting all kinds of scrapes and stuff, and all Zai wants to do is make a big score, but now I'm stuck on this jingling and I'm so mad at them. CHUCK that uh I you know I'm let's say I'm 67 nice almost nice I'm two years away speaking of almost nice I am playing Tommy punches to plume a barbarian type

character he's six foot nine four four hundred twenty pounds, I believe. And I think I think he kind of worships at the altar of Brad Garrett. I think he's somewhere in this register. Hey, Ma Punch is here reporting for Brain Gang. So he loves Pickleball. He's just a bit of a goon, but also a sweetheart. And he loves working with his friends. And I am Crusher, who is he sort of looks like the body of Jason Statham and the face of the Hamburglar, I believe, was what we had said originally. He's sort of, yeah, a little tough guy.

He's Pretty good at get at lying to people and he talks and let's see here. Let's play the game. Is this the voice? Hey guys, it's me Crusher. I think it's something like this already. I know it's correct Joe Pesci ish I was gonna say I know it's correct because my first thought is oh sweet Arnie. That's Joe Pesci Also, is this the voice that show is just commercials, right? Mm-hmm. So You're like are we is this the voice? Is this the voice? Is this the voice? We'll have to wait until it comes right now mine the boys. Okay, so You are mining away at this branium sweat pouring down your, backs aching with every hurl of the pickaxe,

when suddenly you see a blur in front of your eyes and the wind whips past you. The prison guards, all of them mind controlled by smarty pants, raise their rifles and start scanning the horizon as the the blur continues to whip and whip and whip around you all. And suddenly before you can even do anything, you feel yourself get picked up as one group, all of you getting pulled along at the speed of sound basically. And by the time the wind is finished pushing you...

Would this kill us instantly? Yeah, but not in this world. But my hair! Oh, my hair's ruined! Oh, that's even worse. Just kill us after your stomach Returns to the bottom of your torso you find yourself in a basement with tin foil lining the walls and in front of you even and Moaning is a bleeding man with a gunshot wound in his chest who you recognize as comes too fast Who is the last living superhero in Shadow City? There's no legends of him maybe still being around and this is the first time anybody seen in a long time

Oh my god, are you okay? What happened to your chest? Your chest looks awful I guess I got shot while I was saving you and I bet to save you But but not get shot and then I got shot so that's not so good But you have to save us that I can't do it you can though. We can't be responsible for having killed another Superhero how many superheroes have we killed? Oh, we weren't technically responsible. I look, I Would like to I never realized how much more sounds like a female Joe Pesci.

Yeah, they're very similar. Oops, all Joe Pesci's. I would like to cast Cure Wounds. Is that only in combat I can do that? No, you can do that whenever you want. I can do it whenever I want. I'm doing it now. All right.

So the bullet hole. So so in character as a person with no real superpowers, what do you how do you do this? Gosh, I've just been on a chain gang. In the past, you have your soup. I've had soup on me, but I wouldn't have that, would I? Here, why don't I why don't I look for something in the environment first to help?

So is that medicine or perception? Perception or investigation, whichever you like. Let's do investigation. That's an 18 plus 2 is 20. Okay. So you easily managed to find an old, slightly rusted, very dusty first aid kit. You can see that this actually used to be a movie theater and we are in the room where they store all of the film reels. And there is there is one first aid kit that was left down here and you managed to get some gauze and bandage up comes to pass.

It was. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you so much. I like not bleeding out. But yeah, so you guys have killed superheroes, right? You've killed so many superheroes. And my thinking is if you kill superheroes, maybe you can kill a supervillain. Is that a good idea? Maybe you could do that? Oh, honey, we'd love to try, yeah. Okay. We, everybody hates smarty pants.

We should try to not kill supervillains. And that usually leads to us accidentally killing that person. That's a good idea. It comes too fast. Do you know someone who we could try to get a legitimate job and then we'll probably end up killing someone? Do you need a job?

Like a legitimate job, like a nine to five, not like this wear a funny costume and run around thing? I mean, this is my job. It's paid pretty well. I get paid for a lot of endorsements and brand deals and stuff like that. I make my own hours. It's a grand economy. What, what are you making a year?

What companies are you working with? Yeah. How do you get into that? You just got to you got to get some superpowers and then and then, you know, post a lot to Instagram and then everyone tells you, you know, how cool you are. And then you get all the brand deals. So, yeah. Hello, fresh Casper Master's is, you know, all the big hitters. Casper mattress, the mattress that makes you come too fast. OK, I understood all that, but someone's got to tell me later what Instagram is.

Oh, it's like Facebook, but young, but slightly younger. Slightly. OK, I don't use that either. So comes too fast, goes to a chest, a little chest that he put in this room next to a big pile of empty film reels, and he opens it and inside you see handfuls of pure Branium powder. Oh. It's glowing, it's green, it is not entirely unlike Kryptonite. And he goes, you're gonna have to use this, I'm gonna use this to send you back and then you can kill Smartypants before he ever comes to power. You can kill him when he's a kid. I'm pretty sure how old he is, and that means that he's a kid around this time, so you can just kill one kid.

It's not a big deal, because he's super funny, he's eventually gonna turn evil. Hold on, hold on, honey, what are you talking about, honey? Going back, what do you mean when he's a kid? He's a full grown ass man. Yeah, yes. But I have this theory that if I use the brainium and I run really fast in the opposite direction, that everyone inside my sphere of influence will go back in time, but not me. OK, well, you know, I don't know. Sounds like that could work. I'm OK roughing up a kid, but I don't know if I want to kill a kid. Can we just like, I don't know, maim him? Sure.

if I want to kill a kid, can we just like, hello, Maimon? Sure. I'd like to flip a coin to do the flashback flash forward thing. Now, Arnie, we did this wrong last time. Did we? Part of the time. And then part of the time we did it right. Sounds like us.

We do it inconsistently for sure. So I'm gonna ask you to be the arbiter of, is tails like a rewind and heads as a fast forward, or we just flip it to see if it happens at all? So my thought is that you're hoping for a rewind. If you land on heads, it's a good rewind that helps you. If you land on tails, it is a bad flash forward that we eventually have to get to. Yes. Got it. Okay I'm in for that.

That's so that's that's what it is. So at minute roughly 15 we forget this next week or whenever the fuck. That's the rule now everyone deal with it. I would like to flip a coin please. I would like to flip a coin, please. Anthony, how fun is it when we're constantly trying to solve the very premise that you're trying to set up? Honestly, I it's not my first rodeo. I know how people fuck with the system. So I like to think I'm ready for you.

I never am fully. Heads. Heads. OK, great. So go ahead and narrate a flashback that is beneficial to you in some way. And as long as it's not completely out of a bonkers shithouse, I will allow it. Do we know roughly what current year it is in Shadow City? Yes, it is 1959. Where did I get this cell phone? I would like to see if approximately 21 years ago, I apply to become a theoretical physicist at college to see if I understand time travel.

OK, why don't you give me a history roll or an arcana roll either? History or arcana, do I have a, those are both plus two. Okay. While you look up your dice, I just wanna point out, I realize we've really, what a boon we've given ourselves. Why do we ever roll dice when we can just flip a coin and always get a 50% chance to be able to do anything.

Okay, that was a 4 plus 2 is 6. Okay, so unfortunately though you did apply to become a theoretical physicist, they kicked you out because you were a woman. How dare you! Don't you think I'm beautiful enough to become a theoretical physicist? Hey, scram, lady. The only kind of theoretical physicist you'd be is I would theoretically sleep with you if you were blonde. I don't like your hair color, it's brunette. Yeah, well, I used to be blonde, but I can't get into that now. Goodbye! Okay, and we flash back to the present.

Can he flip his coin? Can he flip a coin to see if he did change his hair color? Oh, I definitely did. That's not it. Yeah, that's not it. He did. I applied to be. That's not it. He did. I applied to be a theoretical physicist one time, and I don't... This doesn't sound right to me because I read that whole application.

Well, I mean, if you had become a theoretical physicist, you know that I'm on the level, and this makes perfect sense. So, it's either that or we try to go kill him now, but considering he's killed every single other superhero in Shadow City and gotten inside their minds and mind controlled them, and this is the only room in Shadow City that I Seemed to have found that his mind control can't penetrate. I think this might be our best shot Okay comes too fast. Listen, I'm a little guys. Oh No Comes too fast. Is that what they call me? We thought that was your super hero. What do you think your name is? But now that I'm saying it that's not a power I thought it was Fastball.

They call me Comes Too Fast, oh no. You gotta go back in time and stop them from calling me Comes Too Fast too while you're at it. Oh man, okay, let me get a piece of paper. Let me get a piece of paper. Listen, I will say, I'm a little worried that you're not who you say you are, and you're just sending us to the past

to sort of close the door behind us and never allow us to get back to our time. So can you say or do something that only comes to that only fastball could do or say? Yeah, well, I mean, I'm kind of the same age as Smarty Pants. So what you do when you go into the past is you can find me and then just manage to get your hands on some Branium and then he'll say the name of his imaginary friend, which is Adel. And when you meet him,

Hold on, how do you spell that? I have no idea. So, Adele? Yeah, sorry, sorry. His friend is, Abdul? My imaginary friend as a kid

was the wickedly talented Adele Rafai. And you will find me and tell me that you want to meet Adele and I'll know that means that you're safe. And if you can bring me some Branium when I'm a kid, then I can do the opposite. I can run the other direction really fast and bring you back to this time. You've assuaged my fears by telling me to still go through time and learn about if you're telling the truth then. Nailed it! telling me to still go through time and learn about if you're telling the truth then

Nailed it before we You know you established over in this theater space and I not to like go on too much of a detour But I just want to look and see what movies are available here like what what are some of the film reels? So I guess would that just be like an investigation Yeah, or perception, either one. All right, let's see here. Good. Perception is better for me. Now, as we all know, last time we started a campaign, Artie was looking around the room and found some magazines,

and that snowballed into a 25-minute adventure of him killing someone. I swear I'm not going to kill anybody, except for maybe a child later on. Hey, if I hadn't rolled a four, I would be in college right now learning theoretical physics and that would have been this whole episode. I rolled a 19 plus two. Wow. Wow. Okay, so you find that most of these film reels

are kind of dissolved. So you find a film from 1937 called Saratoga starring Clark Gable and Gene Harlow. You find an original copy of The Wizard of Oz. You find Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Reefer Madness, King Kong, Gone with the Wind and Robin Hood starring Errol Flynn. Wow. What would you like to do with that information? Is there any projection equipment around?

Like, could we try to watch some of this or just like I discover this because I'm just looking at the am I do I read this on the canister or do I see it? Yeah, there are marks with a little white tape on the canister so you know what's what I say. Hey, any of you guys want to watch a movie? Oh, oh, I don't know if I can. Hey, any of you guys wanna watch a movie? Oh. Oh. I don't know if I can. I would love to watch some of these.

I hear Saratoga is particularly good. Ma, what is it? You don't wanna see other women succeed? Yeah, let's say that. We'll just say that. You don't wanna see Gene Harlow rip it up on screen because you couldn't get into school? You're being very cruel right now and you have no idea. You have no idea.

No, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to cut to the core, get to the truth. To crush your honey, why do you want to watch a movie we're talking about going back in time? I don't know. It's just because it's... Look, we've been in a chain gang for a long... for I don't know. It's just because it's look we've been in a chain gang for a long for I don't know exactly how long We haven't had a chance to watch anything and we're just in this movie house and there's a bunch of movies available

So I just was curious. I'm just sort of seeing if there's anything here I'm willing to let it go, but I don't know. It's I'm just exploring the space Yeah, I mean you guys I guess you guys have time because you have all the time in the world because you're going back in time as long as and as he says that you're knocking on the door and says, open up. Come on. The voice says, open up and comes to pass. I said, oh, I'll go get that. I'll keep them there for as long as I can. But you guys figure out what to do. And, you know, I guess if you want to watch a movie, you can.

But if that's smarty pants, goons, you won't have much time to watch it beyond the previews. Do you think you could delay them for about two and a half hours? I'll give it my best. And he goes up. Now, Arnie. And you hear him talking very fast. Arnie, in your mind's eye, did you think we're going to start playing the movie and then through some sort of twist of fate or technology, we sucked into the movie where you could kill at will time we end up doing the wizard last action hero I don't hate it I don't hate it no I mean a truly, honestly, I was mostly just kind of like, curious what Anthony would come up with. And to a little like, 5% of my brain was like, he established this location we're in, is there something here that we might be blowing past that that could be important?

That also sounds like us, so very possible. Uh, ha boys, we have to decide. Are we going back in time and trying to get rid of this big stinker Smartypants? Do you want to join me or not? Yeah, I'm in. Look, I definitely want to try to make things better for ourselves and everybody in Shadow City. And stop, Smartypants is a real dick.

I'm a little worried about killing a kid. Yeah, same old big thing. Also, are we setting things up for a bootstrap paradox where we cause the thing that we're trying to stop? Let me just delete that from Episode 3. Well, I don't. Well, frankly, I don't care. I'm coming down there, whether you like it or not. That's right. I bought a one-way ticket to

Saratoga And that in the title hits the screen and spins into a newspaper I know we're in a hurry, but this looks really good You see Clark Gable come out with his big-ass ears and his wooden teeth and he goes say baby Why don't you come over here so we can get on a plane to Saratoga. And you see Jean Harlow, a beautiful blonde bombshell in a long white dress. You may not know it, but this is actually

Jean Harlow's last known film before she died of kidney failure in real life. So there's a sort of melancholy feeling to the movie that you don't even know why, but you just sort of feel it in your soul. But it's a comedy and it's a sort of melancholy feeling to the to the movie that you don't even know why but you just sort of feel it In your soul, but it's a comedy and it's a good one. It's a romantic comedy and You find yourselves sort of drawn inexorably to miss Harlow's charms Wow, look at that blonde theoretically. They do have more fun. Oh Mom, I'm so sorry

blonde theoretical That's all fun. That's all right. That's all right. And Crusher, I think, is experiencing for the first time in his life. I think Crusher is actually probably not a super sexual being.

But for the first time in his life, I wouldn't even say sexual, but he feels a deep love for this woman that he's seeing on screen. Like it's like something he's never really experienced even a little bit before. He starts to cry, I think. Oh, cool. So as you feel that, the open trunk of Branium begins to glow and your emotions of watching this film, the film itself, Gene Harlow,

all of that begins to make the dust, the Branium dust swirl into the air and swirl around you faster and faster in the way that Comes Too Fast Setty was gonna do, but since he's offscreen right now, the Branium's just gonna do that magically on its own because it now works by intent. So keep that in mind for the future,

the Branium is reactive to human intent. The Branium surrounds you and everything goes blurry like a blurry fade in a movie. You know, in movies, one of those old movies where it's like, do do, do do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do you find yourself in what looks to be a speakeasy. There are guys here with big old shoulder suits and tall pants. There are dames here with some of them looking a little dangerous and foreboding.

Some of them walking around with skimpy clothes, with cigarettes in a box in front of them. There's somebody singing at the at the stage. And actually, once you once you roll perception or investigation. I rolled an eight or six plus two, an eight. Interestingly, I'm bad at investigation, but I'm good at perception. So I guess if I'm not if I'm trying to find something, I'm bad at it, but I might just perceive something. I got a 14 in perception.

OK, I'll say with a 14, you can tell that these men that you're seeing, well, a more than average amount of them are in pinstripe suits. Some of them are flipping half dollars in the air and catching them. Many of them have scars on their faces. This seems to be a fairly rough and tumble kind of place and you hear a voice say, whoa, who let you in with that getup? And you turn and you see a

tiny little man with a very big fedora Who says, who let you in? Did Gorilla let you in, the bouncer? Or did you sneak, what are you doing in here? Uh, yeah, Gorilla's an old friend of mine. We used to, um, crack heads down at the, uh, crack head auditorium. Uh, why don't you roll deception? Ooh, that's a straight up four. Oh, I see what's going on here. I see what's going on.

You're the new guys, right? Yeah. Yeah. You. You want to see the bathtub? Yeah, the bathtub. All right. Go ahead and follow me. And he leads you, much like the the tracking shot in Goodfellas, through the fucking kitchen and back of the bar and through a hallway and down into a room that has several large

suitcases. And he opens them all and inside there are jugs of... He pops open the cork of the jug and you can smell even from there that is an extremely powerful moonshine of some sort or a gin. And he says, all right, you know the deal. One face wants us to deliver this to the guy at the place. So if you do that, then maybe you'll get an audience with him. You know, you... here's the thing. One-Face is getting older and soon he's probably gonna die and his little weird smart kid is probably gonna take his place. But

until that time, it's to our benefit and to my benefit for us to make a good impression on One-Face. So don't fuck this up. Sorry's nice to know he says fuck so don't jazz this up and i will look good in one face's eyes as well do we understand each other yes we understand as soon as we're done we're gonna 23 skidoo get inspiration for that uh matt remember you have inspiration oh one face always means exactly what he says you know he's always got that uh sort of One-face always means exactly what he says. You know, he's always got that sort of pyramid-esque item that he tosses gently in the air and catches exactly at the base so it never turns over. Yeah, he's a stalwart, loyal, dependable kind of gangster.

That's the kind of guy you want to look good in the eyes of. Yeah. Now, when you say we got to take it to the guy in the place, what was that? Like who's the guy, what's the place? Well, you should know that. We're just making sure you know that. Yeah, we want to make sure that you are who you say you are. Roll deception again, please.

OK, thankfully, my deception is one of my greatest strengths. I have a plus five. Oh, but I rolled a one. So I got a six. I'm savoring the fact that you said, oh, luckily this is one of my greatest strengths. So he immediately pulls out his gap from his coat, an old Colt 1911, and he goes, You know what? Maybe I was a little too quick to bring you boys back here. Now that I think about it, those weird bits of clothing you got on, they would make you stick out anywhere.

The boss would never send you to warn a brother like that. You'd stand out even amongst all those costume freaks. Can we tell you a secret? We're from the future. Don't lie. That's right. The future. I can tell you your future. You're going to be six feet under now.

I don't want to kill you here because I would have to carry your body. So once you start moving, it will go into the alley. And he gestures back with his gun at two for you to walk into the alley, which is in the there's a door leading to the alley in the hallway you just came through. Now before you kill us, can you just tell me what day it is? It is a Friday. Friday, but the date the date roughly. June 1937. This whole coming from the future gag might work on another schmutz,

but it's not gonna work on me. I want you to forget about killing us. I want you to go directly to the film lot and say this word to the guard. Schnitzel. If you do that, you're gonna have the best night of your life. Why don't you roll persuasion? Cause you're not lying, right? No.

Yeah, so yeah, go ahead and roll persuasion. That's a 11. How about no? I've got you at the end of a 11. How about no? I've got you at the end of a gun. I'm not going to go to, I'm not going to go say a weird German word to some schmo. Okay. Get out into the, get into the alley. How many different, how many different attempts to lie to you are you willing to accept before

you start shooting? No more. I cut you off here. Now it's time to go in the alley and get shot Can I just look around I I do want to see if there's anything at hand I do want to see if there's anything at hand that can help us Okay, so this is the this is it seems to be the area where they keep all their contraband so you see in You know in a gun rack where there's a lock on the gun rack, you see a bunch of Tommy guns.

You can see more bottles of gin on the walls. You can see some bags of white powder. What else? I'm going to grab the white powder. OK. Rip it open and dump it in, throw it in his face. OK. Why don't you roll dexterity to see if you can do that before he shoots?

I'm gonna see you making a sudden movement. He's gonna want to shoot you. Yes, okay Luckily my dexterity is bag ripper in the West Sounded really good until I thought about doing that in front of a person holding a gun who's looking right at me Who's hell bent on shooting you? Okay, so I have plus three dexterity and luckily I rolled a one Okay, so he just shoots you square in the chest This bag of white powder no crochet. Oh I wish we'd gone into Wizard of Oz instead.

Why don't you take it? How much HP do you have right now? My max is 32. It says I currently have 17. Okay. Well, let's say that in the intervening years since we last saw you, you got your health back up to 32, but this gunshot takes it right back down to 17. You don't need to do anything. Okay. It wipes out half of your health in one. I'll take it.

I'll take it. So you hit the ground, blood's pouring out of your chest. But this little guy is a little bit distracted. So if you want to actually, why don't we roll a quick initiative? Tommy got an 18. OK, Tommy, 18. I got a 21.

Now you roll well. I know a 21. Now you roll well. I know. Five. OK, so pressure. Weirdly, as you hit the ground, you were the first person to react. The adrenaline surges through your veins and you get to act first as this combat begins. What are you going to do? I'm going to say.

I'm gonna say I'm gonna say Don't kill me dad Okay, are you trying to deceive intimidate or persuade him what you said I feel to his paternal instinct I guess I'm trying to deceive him and roll the session, okay, I would you say? I feel to his paternal instinct. I guess I'm trying to deceive him. Okay, go ahead and roll the session. Okay. I rolled a 12 plus five. I got a 17. Okay. So for a second, the gun waivers and you see his pupils dilate. And if we were to go into his mind, like when the food critic eats the ratatouille, you would see a memory of him saying the exact same thing to his dad. He kicks this kid who's even tinier as a kid. He goes, yeah, little runt, you're never going to grow up to be an all star quarterback.

He disgusts me. I had to throw you into the river in a bag like I did those cats. And he goes, dad, I didn't know that's what you do to the kids. He said they went to a farm. He's yeah, a farm upstate called heaven. And it flashes back to the present and a tear against the rule down his cheek. And so if he tries to attack again during initiative, he will have a disadvantage. Okay. I'm so sorry.

Well, I try to, sorry, try to trick you to make you think that we were worked here, but I just wanted to, I just wanted to finally see my dad. We weren't worked here, but I just wanted to I just wanted to finally see my dad I you know I came back in time to get to meet you and and and I I Just love you dad. I want to be close to you, and I'm sorry. I didn't know how to I didn't think you would believe the truth So he looks at you. He goes. I don't believe you my dad. You just reminded me of him. My dad's dead. I know that for sure. Oh Wait, you know, I'm your dad. I never had sex. I am from the It's not complicated at all in the future. I don't buy that I didn't believe you when you rolled to lie for that. Yeah, that's fair

All right now it is Tommy's did crusher managed to break open the cook bag of cocaine at all No, you got shot before his hands even touched the bag. Okay, did the bullet pierce the bag by any chance? No, he didn't even get to touch it. Okay. Tommy, how close would Tommy Punches be to this gentleman? The room is not terribly huge, so within a single move, you could move to him, you could move to the Coke, you could move to the guns, or with a sprint, you could move outside into the hallway.

Picking up a gun, I think is fine, but I want to stop him from shooting anybody else. So I'm going to try and lunge towards him, specifically using my gritty sized hand to grab the wrist or the hand with the gun in it. Okay, why don't you give me a dexterity check? Yes. Yes. Yes That is a whoa. Is that a natural that is a natural 20? Oh shit Okay, so you get to describe what happens as you go for this coke or as you go for his wrist rather So Tommy is able to grab with one hand the gentleman's his hand holding the gun and just squeezes it as tight as he can His hand holding the gun and just squeezes it as tight as he can

Breaking the barrel of the gun and also crushing this man's wrist almost fusing metal and skin and bone all together To where this man can never separate or forget that he once held this gun and shot crusher He then sort of lifts him up by that crushed hand and dangles him in front of in front of punches You shot my friend and dangles him in front of punches. You shot my friend. Ow. Yeah, I don't like when my friends are shot, especially in the chest. And then he grabs, Tommy grabs that sack of cocaine

and rips it open, still while holding this guy, and says, do it, do it all. I can't do that stuff, I'm so small, they'll keep me wired for weeks. My arm, it hurts so bad. Okay, fine. Okay. And he gingerly with his remaining arm puts the bag to his nose and just sort of takes

a big deep inhale. And he goes, Okay, I'm high now. What do you want? Oh, God, I should buy a boat. What do I got some good ideas? I got good business ideas. I think I can make this place even more successful than it was I think, I think, oh you guys could be on the ground floor

The ground floor, hey do you have any more of that? I have more of that, I have more of that And he begins to start reaching like a child for candy Another bag of cocaine on the shelf No, no, don't buy a boat Take all your money Every cent, every penny you earn for the next 21 years And I want you to invest it

Entirely in one thing Sega Dreamcast Punches slowly puts this man down Knowing that he's ruined him financially and hopefully physically as well right. He'll be ruined in half a century Hey, if 1959 had Instagram who who knows when the dream comes true? Superheroes made us move forward in technology a lot quicker. Yes. OK, so I'd say you were safely out of combat. And he goes, oh, I got to call my broker.

And he runs out, leaving a trail of cocaine behind him, like when Pigpen from Peanuts walks anywhere. And you would be so much more interesting if he's just in a cloud of coke yeah so you are now alone in the room with the guns and the gin and the cocaine now I'm just picturing Pigpen dancing to the peanuts theme like an asshole but like way too fast just zooted out of his mind He manages to kick the ball because he's running so fucking fast Ma ma Yeah, do you have any uh do you have any sort of medicine of first aid kit or anything? We got a staunch this bleeding oh? Just so good to be back

Ma oh yeah, but he's bleeding out. I gotta um, yeah. Hi Oh, there's only this cocaine here. Yeah, put some gin on the wound that at least sterilize it. Okay, okay The cocaine couldn't hurt Yeah, give him some cocaine. Here you go. Here you go, buddy Okay, roll Constitution crusher Seven plus one. OK, so you don't roll so well, so you have to essentially role play a coked out

crusher for the rest of this episode. This rules. I don't know. I'm going to be more Joe Pesci. I'm going to roll perception to see if there's anything in the room I can actually heal him with. But I think we kind of know what's there already. Yeah, there's you basically see them everything There's soon as room. I'd like to roll perception to see if I can know if Crusher ever gets a blowjob in a car while talking about veal A la casino

Natural 20. Yes. Is he bleeding very badly? Do we need to get him to a hospital or something? No, I think you managed to with a combination of the coke and maybe pouring some gin on the wound to disinfect it. I think you managed to essentially stabilize it. It's a miracle cure.

Yeah. He's gonna, you know, feel it. Well actually he's know, feel it. Well, actually, he's not gonna feel it because he's fucking zooted right now. But he is not doing great. You wanna eventually get him to a hospital, but for now, he's fine.

Okay, stabilized, great. Boys, we gotta go find one face, and we gotta, I think that kid is, I think that's Smarty Pants. Yeah, let's do it. Let's go. Crusher, do you feel up to it? Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Uh, okay, okay. Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, it's not a competition. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, you win, okay, you win. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay, okay. All right. Now, now, I'm sorry. Okay, okay. Alright. Now, now, I'm sorry. Okay, okay. Alright. Now, now, I'm sorry. I'm a little, I'm a little flustered, I'm a little confused.

How do we, how do we find one face? We gotta, huh. I need you punches, I need you to tell me what we're gonna do next. I know I usually come up with the plans, but I'm just confused. Yeah, what's this tiny book in your hand? the complete works of Lev Landau the world's top theoretical physician oh Yeah, I just He's a he's a theoretical physician Is that like theoretically I could fix you?

Yeah, it's like if the crazy theories about medicine that are all, they're just like, they're sort of like if you mixed, you know, theoretical physics with medicine and mathematics, he's great. You just invented chiropractic. Guys, we keep making things worse in this world. Alright, let's do this. Let's still go meet the contact that we were supposed to meet, because that is our in-road to meeting up with One-Face. So now to be clear, we know that we're supposed to take this gin to a guy in a place, but we never found out who the guy was and what the place was.

He told you what the place was. He did not tell you who the guy was. Was it Warner Brothers? It was worth it. It was Warner Brothers. OK, well, then let's go to Warner Brothers Studio. OK, you get outside into the bustling shadow city daylight, you see folks going about their daily business, with doors, trench coats, hair done up. A lot of white people, unfortunately.

Just white people. As far as the eye can see, only white. Speaking of everyone looking the same, should we, before we go where we're trying to go... One of us should shave our beard to record this podcast. Yes, just moving forward. Should we try to get some clothes that look like this time period?

We've just in a chain gang in the future. Also, I've been shot in the chest. Like should we try to get some some spiffy duds? What I'm saying is, should there be a shopping montage? For sure. But also at Warner Brothers studio there will be a embarrassment of riches in terms of garb and clothing

Assuming we can get in That's fair. That's her. Yeah, I'm up for a year robbing a clothing store or two or Going straight to the to the studio Can I say it seems like we've already left this last location, but is it fair to say we would have brought like a couple bags of cocaine or something with us? I'd say you were allowed to bring some bags of cocaine.

Are you gonna take the gin with you? Is it, that was the job was to deliver it. And it was in a big case, right? It was in several big cases. So basically, if each of you carried two cases, that would basically mean that your hands are full and you can't do much of anything without putting the cases down.

So there's four cases altogether. To be fair though, Tommy could probably carry all four. More. Okay, why don't you give me a strength check, Tommy? Absolutely. Six, nine, four, 20, not for nothing. That is a 14. OK, with a 14, we'll say that, yeah, you can hold two suitcases in each hand.

It's going to still prevent you from doing anything before you're going to have to take some time. You're going to have to take an action to put them down safely or for no action at all. You can drop them and let the glass break inside. Is there still someone at the at like the front entrance as we're carrying this stuff out? Yeah, you see a big guy who's so hairy and he's hunched over and he's got a big ol' jaw and his knuckles are almost on the floor. And he looks confused and he goes, I didn't see you come here. Oh, you're Gorilla, right?

Yeah, that's me. Yeah, the boss told us we're supposed to deliver this gin. He said we should use the car. Can you pull the car around? Oh, uh, well, I guess you wouldn't have that gin if you didn't work for the boss. Exactly. The boss also said you deserve a raise. Does that make sense? Oh, heck yeah! 23 skidoo! Uh, we need to get the cop wire. He also said he's my dad What never he was a virgin? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay Okay, okay

You get he gets the tiny guys whose name you never found out his car the boss's car which is no for pencil and He offers you inside because where to guys and he offers you inside. He goes, where to guys? Warner Brothers. Oh, go ahead, Mark. No, you go ahead. You say it.

Say it triumphantly. We're going to Warner Brothers. Okay. We then find you pulling up to the security gate at Warner Brothers, where a rotund Irish security guard stands there and waves the car to a stop. And he goes, uh, can I see your identification, please? Oh, Mickey, you don't need to see our identification.

Look, we've got these costumes on and we're delivering this gin. We've got to get back to the set immediately. I know that Mr. Johansson is dying to see us. Mr. Johansson is dying to see us. Mr. Johansson is dying to see you. Who exactly are you? Also, my accent is terrible and I apologize. That's OK. There's a lot of that going around. I don't I don't want to brag, but I'm...

I'm Gene Harlow's mom. She's having me help out a little bit. Don't you see the resemblance? Uh, so go ahead and roll deception with advantage. Plus three. That's a nine, which is 12, and a four, which is seven. Because, oh, I'm afraid not. Even if you were Miss Harlow's mother, which I'm not sure you are, there's nobody on set without the express permission of a director or the studio owner.

You would have a pass where you to, I mean, we get people trying to sneak on the lot all the time to see the stars. You know, we say out here, the sky is dark because all the stars are out tonight. But yeah, we're off with you then, I'm so sorry. Can you get Mr. Jack Conway on the phone? I believe he's...

Actually, why don't you roll persuasion to see if you can persuade him to do this. 19. Wow. Oh, Ernie, I just wanted to say something to you. Don't think that I didn't recognize that your little okay, okay, okay, okay, is actually Joe Pesci from Lethal Weapon 3

and not Goodfellas or Casino Joe Pesci. Yeah, sure. So. He seems his most coked out in that movie, right? Okay, you're right, yes, you're right. In dress. Whatever you want, Leo gets. I guess you need to watch Gone Fishing.

Gone Fishing is good. No, it's not, but it's good. Not enough cocaine in the world for me to watch that. Oh, so Mickey, Mickey, please, please, please, please. And I kind of like stroke a finger across his beard. Oh, well, I've never been one to disappoint a lady. So he picks up a walkie talkie and goes, this is a Brian looking for Jack Conway. Is Mr. Conway available?

And you hear a voice on the other end say, stop doing that. He goes, OK. And the voice on the other end says, Yeah, they just took five. Let me go get him. It's Conway. Uh, tell him Schnitzel. Uh, Schnitzel? There is a silence on the other end, and he says,

Let him in. And O'Brien says, OK, I guess you're free to go in. And he raises the barricade and drive onto the Warner Brothers loft. I don't want to. I just want to make sure I'm not missing something. Is this is this a thing? Is schnitzel a secret thing? I don't know. I'm just going with Matt. Okay.

Okay. So yes. So you can actually see as you're driving through the lot, you see basically, you know, hangers sets and they each have what's being filmed on them, filmed in them on a little placard outside. So you drive past the exact same film reels you saw in that basement. You drive past Wizard of Oz, Mr. Smith goes to Washington, Reeve from Athens, King Kong, Gone with the Wind, Robin Hood. And then you drive up to Saratoga, directed by Jack Clark. And Tommy has his own punches, has his own face pressed up against the window and also is holding up Crusher's face and pressing it up against the window for him. Okay, okay, okay. Whoa, whoa, okay, okay, whoa. Look, Crusher, look at all them sets.

Do we think Jean Harlow is in one of those? Oh, I don't know, the movie's done filming, but maybe she came back. Oh, she's definitely in there. Don't worry about it. Does she live in the studios on the set? You think she ever kissed Michigan J. Frog? I'm serious. It was one night.

I'm serious. What the fuck? Finally, the central mystery of season three. Who kissed Michigan J-Frog? Who didn't? Look, boys, we're gonna have to go talk to somebody that I used to know a long time ago, but he's not going to recognize me and that's gonna break my heart. But you're just gonna have to follow along with me, OK? Ma, I feel like there's stuff you're not telling us.

This stuff, there's a lot of stuff I've never told you boys. This is very hard for me and I don't really wanna be here. Holding an old photo? What's that? Oh, I just exclaimed, holding an old photo. Am I?

I think so, maybe it's, oh, nope, it was just a piece of litter in the wind. Oh, no, here's the old photo. I happen to have it at the prison with me. You see this beautiful young blonde woman? Yeah, that's me. Hatchi, Hatchi. That's me. Hey, that's me a long time ago. Look at them getaway sticks.

You're looking at a picture of Jean Harlow, the woman you saw in Sarateka. Boys, I faked my own death in 1937. I was Jean Harlow this whole time. Whoa, whoa, whoa, ma, ma, ma, whoa. You're Jean Harlow. I'm in love with ma. Sure are. Yeah, and Ma, do you have a different name

just so there's no sort of edible confusion? Yeah, my name's Matilda. I've taken the name Matilda O'Brien for many, many years. Wow, you never told us. Yeah, I definitely have. It's okay, baby, you don't know nothing. Look, I'm in that studio right now with the director of Saratoga, Jack Conway,

and we're having an illicit affair. I'm married right now. I had to fake my own death. Oh God, okay. I can't see myself. So what you're saying is we've come back in time. We have to save your life. Yes, of course.

So you don't die. I don't die because I faked my death. But we could change my life. We could we could unfake my death. Maybe it was the biggest mistake I ever made. I don't know. I don't know. I just I ended up on a chain gang with two idiots. What am I doing with my life?

Ma, can I ask you, knowing now what you know about yourself and you at this age and what was going on in your life? Would you say? Do I got a chance? Oh My oh my god I'm gonna hit you so hard. Let me hit you so hard. What sorry I said, let me pull up IMDB one second one second Okay, give us just give him a second. Just give him a second crush him before I hit Gene it's not G-E-N-E.

Okay, okay, okay. Gene, with a J? Yeah, with a J-E-N-H-A-R-L-L-U. Oh, sorry. Sorry. It's taking a second. It's like crossing the China seas. Suzie, I guess I'm as dumb as the girl from Missouri, you libeled lady. This is my own personal property, you riffraff reckless Hollywood on parade. All those 90 year olds who are on the Hello from the Magic Tavern Patreon, we just want to say this episode is just for you.

Yes. That's a natural 20 of an actual Play Bonus episode, if I've ever heard one. Crush- Crush-er was played by Arnie Meekamp. Matilda Ma O'Brien, aka Gene Harlow, was played by Matt Young. Tommy Punches De Plume was played by Adol Rafai. This episode was produced by Matt Young. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schulz. Associate producer, Anna Hoverman. Special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgi.

This episode was edited by SageGC. Logo by Allard Laban. Themed by SageGC. If you want to find out what happens next to Ma Crusher and Punches, groove on over to Patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. You can become a patron and support the show for just $5 per month. That's cheaper than a hypothetical podcast that charges $6 a month.

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Learn more at patreon.com slash magic tavern and tell them bootleg Craig sent ya. Except actually don't tell them that because then they'd realize I've been bootlegging the show. So just tell them regular Craig sent you, I guess. Until next time babes and babies.