Hello From The Magic Tavern - Patreon Unlocked: Earth Cereal

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

Enjoy this unlocked bonus episode from our Patreon! In this episode, Usidore and Chunt fall in love (literally) with breakfast cereals Arnie has sourced from Earth.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Happy New Year everyone! If you're on Earth, that is. If you're on Gamalon 4, Happy Monday. It's your pal Craig here along with my partner in crime, PV3. Tell! While everyone on FOOM finishes out there, Solstice vacation, we're dropping back into the main feed to give you a taste of what you've been missing if you haven't checked out the hello from the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Yes, how about you for the Prophoto? Glad you asked PV3. Magic Tavern Patreon. Glad you asked PV3, Magic Tavern is independent now, we're entirely supported by listeners just like you. Yes you, and we thank those listeners with a whole mess of bonus content, like today's transmission in which Arnie introduces Chant and Yusador to Earth Breakfast cereal. Don't worry I'll mention all the other great benefits of supporting the show at patreon.com slash magic tavern, but first let's play the bonus transmission. Enjoy!

Hello from the magic tavern! Patreon episode. It's a bonus guys! Ooh, I'm so excited. I love the sound of that word, Patreon. I know, I'm excited about it too. Yeah, I'm excited about it too. You know, usually we start these episodes and we have to like build up some enthusiasm

or just like, oh, fucking content. Sorry, you have to do what? Sorry, you have to do what? I'm just assuming we all know I have the opportunity to provide enthusiasm for everyone and I'm happy to rise to the occasion You said or was your attitude before we do the show usually well usually I'm I'm just excited to be here thinking of ways that I can continue to spread goodness and happiness throughout the world. And then I turn to my two boon companions and I say,

let us create entertainment of the most wonderful kinds! And now, I'm excited because we're doing a Patreon thing. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Oh, yes, baby. Yes, you said that now our fans will be able to support us directly. Is that correct? Mm-hmm. As I understand it, I've got to be honest. I haven't read all the fine print. So like if I'm out in the wild and I'm running after like a bird playing tag or something and I trip, that means one of our patrons will catch me.

They'll support my body and my full weight. Oh, oh Thank you, and if one of us for some reason is teleported to earth or something and we need to crash on somebody's couch Just find a patron Wow, thank you. Hey, thank you all for doing that and we have your names, too Don't think we can't do we have their names We have their names and we know how big their couches are Oh, yes, that's gonna be part of the form Kyle

Kyle we know how big your couches not enough Kyle I shall lay in mine back on that couch and you shall bring me delicious treats Speaking of delicious treats. I'm very excited. We got a trans-dimensional delivery of this giant box. Oh! Full of earth. Breakfast foods. What? Yeah.

Oh my gosh, Arnie you've never told us much about earth breakfast foods I'm so excited. Now is this the point in the bonus episode where people realize they've made a mistake by supporting us? I think it's more the kind of thing where like the second they hit send, there was a feeling of regret. Sure, sure, sure. Well let's dig into this breakfast food. Okay, so on earth we have a lot of the same breakfast foods as you have here, although

there's a lot less blood and viscera involved. No blood sausage Well, there is there is blood sausage. No viscera toast. There's not viscera toast Oh, which I'm gonna say I hate but I'm starting to hate less any urine pudding Not on purpose, but probably. Well, it doesn't sound like breakfast to me, but show me what you got. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay, go ahead.

Okay, inside this box are a bunch of other boxes. Oh, here I'm going to shake one. A breakfast cereal. We're going to do a taste test of all these breakfast cereals from Earth. Wow, so this is breakfast cereal. We're gonna do a taste test of all these breakfast cereals from Earth. Wow, so this is breakfast cereal, so there's also lunch cereal and dinner cereal. Yeah, if you're in college, I think there is. But these are mostly meant for breakfast. So all of these boxes of food are based off of the first podcast.

based off of the first podcast? Hold on, these boxes of cereal are based off of Conan Needs a Friend. Bird. So I guess, let's see, do you think, can you magic us some bowls and spoons? Of course. Aura, tola, aura. Sorry, can you make my bowl a little bigger?

Ah, wow. And can you make my spoon a little bigger? Wow. And can you make my spoon a little smaller? Wooo! Thank you. And of course. Can you clean my bowl? You've clearly been having some year in putting in this thing. Wee wee wee wee wee! Well, I'm sorry.

I suppose we could have just gotten bowls and spoons here from the bar at the pair of social. Oh, that's right I'm I really like this place. I feel like I know this bar. Yeah, I feel like a connection to this bar Is that any sense as soon as I walked in I felt like they're my best friend not just that I feel like this bar Knows me. Yeah Also, I've heard this bar is haunted Yeah, that's why it's called the pair of social like paranormal, but more social mm-hmm. Well Arnie let's dig into the cereal here Oh, let's just box here. Oh, oh Arnie. Yeah, what?

Who is this little slab of bee? Yum yum yum. Introduce me. Oh, well, okay, well this is a classic earth cereal called Honeynut Cheerios. There is also a total shit cereal on earth called Cheerios, but Honeynut Cheerios is really good. And are they rivals?

Not really, they're just not in the same league. Oh, sweetie, those are buttholes. They should be called honeybutt buttholes. Honeybutt buttholes? Yes. Right? Am I crazy? Those are little out buttholes.

You're not wrong. And it's so sad because children eat these. I'm sorry, but I'm upset about this. Why does it say on the front made with real honey? What other kind of honey is there? Well, first of all, they're lying probably. I'm guessing it's not made with real honey. On earth, we have something called flavors.

And eventually science moved past real flavors into invented flavors and then invented versions of real flavors and then eventually everyone was obese and didn't know how to taste real things anymore. Huh. And already this is a Patreon episode so anything we say here is it canon or is it not cannon? Mmm. Because I'm food we have 31 flavors and that's it.

Oh really? Uh huh. Well I'll hold you to it in the Patreon episode. Phew! But don't think that your world is the only one capable of inventing flavors. If I put my great wizardly mind to it, I suppose that I too could invent a new flavor, say a 30 second flavor? What?

Would it just be a combination of two of the original 31? Ah, maybe. Uh, let me think. What flavor doesn't exist in nature that I could create? Here, Arnold, stick out your tongue. Okay. Okay. Ah. Ah. I just need a bit. Blue raspberry. Ooh. Ooh.

It's pretty good. Oh wow. 32. And Arnie, don't forget in food, every flavor is made with beaver gland. Ooh, Arnie, it's so cool on Earth that your cereal prevents you from eating too much. See, up in the right-hand corner, it says glutton-free. That's so great. It prevents you from being a gutton

Yeah, cuz you know you don't want to munch on too many of these little but holes Well, you can never have too many but holes famously. Yeah, let's pour some out. Let's get to it Oh, yeah, let's pour that up cereal for all the dead but holes Oh, I'll get some milk from the bar. I'll be right back. Ramshackle. Oh, Ramshackle. I need some milk here.

Oh, he's calling the cow that works behind the bar. Mm-hmm. It's a ghost cow. It says boo instead of boo. Boo. Wait, I'm just doing an impression. Oh, okay. Ram shackled the ghost cow milk to herself and gave me this here, this milk here. She did that very fast.

Well, she's a professional. So this is ghost milk? Yeah. So to me, it just looks like milk, but with a sheet over it and little eye holes cut out. Yeah, like Ram shackled. The but with a sheet over it and little eye holes cut out. Yeah, like ramshackled, the cow with the sheet over her? Fair enough. Now, if this ghost milk achieves its true purpose, will it finally move on to the afterlife? Shhh, come on, let's not get hung up on that right now.

Plenty of time for that later. Let's try some cereals. Wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on. Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't think about this beforehand. I don't think we can do this upset. All right. So long. You said, come back, come back. Goodbye.

You said, or? Yes, what? Bernie, what are you doing? He was waiting for an excuse. I know. I know. Yeah, it's OK, you said, or you can leave. Yes, what?

Oh, OK, fine. Goodbye. OK, bye. Now that he's gone, Ar can leave. Okay, fine, goodbye. Okay, bye. Now that he's gone, Arnie, introduce me. You're not being patrons without me around assholes. He's got sway and he knows it. Arnie, now that he's gone, can you introduce me to this little bee? You know, what's his name?

I'm sure it has a name, but I don't know its name. On Earth, there are lots of serial mascots, and some of them have names that everyone knows, and some of them don't. So, serialists are like colleges? A little bit. They're showing their support through the animal that's usually a crazed maniac if I'm being honest.

But this is one of the more like sophisticated mascots. It's a bee. I don't know what name do you think it should have? It looks to me like a Henrik. Henrik. And here's the thing, honey is just like bee spit, but this bee has like a little stick, like a little wand with honey on it.

So he's like above spitting, which makes me think he's like very regal. Maybe royalty. Oh. Queen bee, King bee. I don't even know. I mean, I guess I don't need to make any assumptions about this bee's gender.

Yeah, honey's a fluid. You sorry, she come back here, we're drowning. Yeah, we, what? We're drowning, come back. Fine, fine, fine, fine. Look, you said all these things about to say, we have a challenge in doing this episode, which is on Earth, a lot of people have physical pain

from hearing the sounds of people eating. Oh no. And the way I eat is real weird. The people don't want to hear is crunching munch. They don't. Oh. Well, I guess we'll cancel this episode.

Sorry patrons, you got a good, how many minutes was this? It felt like 400? Yeah, I see. Yeah, divide that a little bit. Just under 10. I think we're good. Wait, you said, or you're a wizard. Could you, I don't know, muffle our mouth sounds? Oh, you want me to cast Cone of Silence around us? No, because we got that will dampen the episode. We can't be totally silent. Can you use magic to like change the sounds we make when we eat? Yeah, Cone of Silence. Cone suggests dessert. We're having breakfast, you said, or...

Yes, it's a good point. You want me to change the sounds that us eating cereal would make. Why? How could I transmulgify sound itself? Ah, eroth, toroth, kadaa, pop filter! Alright, I guess let's all, let's all dig in. Yeah, here we go, first bite. Here comes the dragon right into its cave. Oh, this is quite nice actually. Yeah, it's a classic. It's sweet, but not too sweet.

Yeah, these crunchy buttholes are okay. I like these crunchy buttholes. Honey buttholes, these are, I can but holes are okay. I like these crunchy but holes honey but but holes These are I can't stop eating these and these but holes stay firm in milk without getting too soggy Hmm, I feel like my friend Omar would like these can I keep this box? Sure and it's not to just stare at the bee. I must say Having a part taken in some earth delicacies at my short time, that- Wait, I'm so sorry to interrupt. Chant stop kissing the box.

Don't kiss the box, Chant. Okay, okay. Chant, here's why. That big box is full of these boxes. What if there's an even sexier serial mascot waiting for you around the corner? Orning, can we get to the next box quick? Yes, well, here's the thing.

We started with some sophisticated buttholes, but now what if we transition to some just over the top colorful buttholes? I'm speaking, of course, about fruit loops. Oh, fuck me, who is this bird? This bird does have a name, and I do know it, but I'd be curious first to hear what names each of you think this two can has. I mean, this is the most beautiful tropical bird I've ever seen. I want to say its name is something like Perestroika.

Looks a bit like a Peter Skazgod to me. Are any more reclose? No, it's much more tropical and exotic than that. This bird's name is Sam. Ooh, Sam, short for... Short for two-can Sam. Wow, that almost rhymes. Ooh, two-can play at this game.

Hey, friend, can I get some of your colorful buttholes? So is this the shape of all cereal? no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no spelled in a playful way. F-R-O-O-T. Huh. And I- So the one with reading problems? So their root-flavored cereals. But why do they put the F in front of root? No, it's fruit. Like tubers and carrots and uh...

just other roots. Oh, it's what? No, it's supposed to be fruit because it... maybe almost tastes like fruit. But really it tastes like chemicals. Well, why did they call chemical loops? Oh, why did they spell fruit F-R-U-I-T, like a normal person would.

Because they wouldn't rhyme. Uh. Yes, but what? I'm going to write now. It clearly has a lot of o's. That's not how rhyming works. Oh, Arnie, I just looked at the Honeybut butt butthole's box and it looks like that's actually military food. It was made by General Mills.

Yes, General Mills, the mortal enemy of the makers of fruit loops, which is Kellogg's. Wow. Hey, give me a quiz so I can try to get out of this tropical forest. No maze here on the back of the fruit loops. I'm gonna see if I can... Oh, nope, dead end. Dead end. Wow, you suck at this.

Why don't you shrink yourself down and walk the path. Good idea. All right, come on! Now, is he gonna get trapped in a picture again? Ha ha. I'm fine. Oh, and Arnie, this box says that it's family size. Mm-hmm.

And it's only about, I don't know, an inch taller than the last box. What is, what is family size? So, family size means it's an inch taller. Yeah, it sort of tricks people into paying more for the cereal. Hmm. I am half a dead end. It's so much harder to do when you're inside the maze. Why does he keep doing that?

Yeah, I guess he doesn't realize when you shrink yourself, your brain obviously becomes smaller. Use it or, uh, unshrink. Me no, no, how? Why? What? He's going in a loop, in a fruit loop. Wee.

At least he's having fun. Arnie, pour me a bowl. Okay, here you go. Now these are a little wilder than the cheer Oh, oh I'll have a bowl as well. Oh, you're back. You find your way out. Ah, I've learned the hard way that when I shrink myself down I must put a timer on it so the spell wears off on its own otherwise me no know how Mmm Arnie it's so sweet, coilingly sweet, but I have to say I love these unnatural flavors.

Yeah! It sort of tastes like Sprite Zero. Is this based on some sort of fruit from your world that doesn't exist here in Fune? No, I think they're mostly just based on colors. Oh, okay. So, they're not roots, even though they spell it with root with an f and they're not calling them chemical loops

So why don't they call them color loops? I don't know. Oh Wait, I think I know the answer Arnie. Didn't you say on earth that fruit is another name for Vin Diesel? Sort of a dicting though. It's so sweet. You'd think you'd get sick of it But I really just want another bowl. Oh, look at this. Three of my teeth fell out. Oh, just far from down. Come, come, come.

Let's see another box. Are you guys ready for some more, sir? First of all, let's check in. How are you guys doing? You're not used to eating. Well, Chun just ate his own teeth, so I think that tells you something. But I feel great.

I feel wired. I feel like a tackle the world. Yeah, I'd say the odds are 50-50 that those teeth you swallow, they just go through your circulatory system and then just pop back into your mouth. That's how it works. So as we go along the evolution of breakfast cereals, what would you think if I said,

this is an evolution, so honey but buttholes gave birth to fruit loops? So honey nut cereals were first. Yes, I'm guess I would Confidently say that's probably true now this next one. I don't know if it was before after fruit loops All I'm saying is now we're gonna add marshmallows What for breakfast for breakfast for breakfast and this is scandalous. This is legal on earth for breakfast. And this is scandalous. This is legal on earth.

Mm-hmm. This is a serial that I ate almost every day for most of my childhood until one day. I just looked out of the bowl and I was like, I can never do this again. And this is the first time I have had lucky charms since then. Huh, I don't know what those are, but somehow I get the sense that that's the saddest story

I've ever heard. Yeah, yes, I can't imagine having marshmallows for breakfast, especially, such. I owe that seems a criminal. I was into it. Um, mother fuck, who is that unicorn? Holy shit. Well, hold on, the unicorn is a sexy fucking unicorn. The unicorn is not the mascot of this cereal. It's a support player.

The leprechaun is the star of Lucky Charms. Well, move over to leprechaun. There's a new horse in town. And that horse has got a horn. And it's gonna fuck you up with some wild-looking, three new unicorns. Oh my goodness. Arnie, why is the cover of all cereal boxes just straight up porn?

I would fuck all of these animals. Yes, so many animals. You would fuck all of the animals. Yeah. Now wait, are any of these animals in the cereal? Well, I mean, they're in marshmallow unicorns, I guess. Do you know what marshmallows are made from? Um, no.

Arnie, they're made from gelatin, which is made from horse hooves. Oh shit. We're eating horse. I don't think that's right. Um, no. Arnie, they're made from gelatin, which is made from horse hooves. Oh, shit. We're eating horse. I don't think that's right. And for me, a bull, baby. Another fucking dastardly leprechaun trick. Wait, Arnie, this one says large size.

What's the difference between family size and large size? I mean, family-less people can eat lucky charms as well. Oh, so if you're single, you get large size. If you have kids, you get family size. How do they know you have a family? Do you have to bring them? No. Well, here's the thing. You probably won't buy it unless there are children begging for the cereal. And that's why the boxes are so appealing, so kids will want it. You know, Arnie, you're very confusing. Arnie and Foon, we have leprechauns. They typically don't hide big gold cauldrons full of marshmallows.

Usually they hide gold. I don't know though, if you think about it, wouldn't your other have marshmallows? For breakfast. Yeah. I'd suppose so. So now be careful, because from all the commercials, what I can tell is that this cereal is

Addictive to children like they really want this cereal and they're constantly trying to steal it from Lucky the leper con Who's doing magic tricks and saying things like oh no they're after me lucky charms I'm going to make a balloon and fly away. This is a crime. This man is on the run. Let us help him. Yes, why doesn't the unicorn help him? The unicorn has a beautiful magical horn and could take lucky far away from these terrible children. But the unicorn's only making it worse, because if you look at the box,

you guys yourself said that you're very drawn to this unicorn, so that makes you want this unicorn right now. You're even more. Fuck, well, if the leprechaun is the main character and these kids are Tracking him down chasing him down in hordes to steal what he has Arnie I can only assume that these should be called unlucky charms. Yeah, it's an oh Henry story if ever there was one Oh, what now? I know Henry story save it for the candy bar episode now

Oh, what now? I know a Henry story. Save it for the candy bar episode. Now Let's quickly let's try these. Okay. Now there's a line of dialogue from a Lucky Charms commercial When I was a child that I think of all the time and I think it's relevant for this moment and in it Lucky the leprechaun meets a caveman. There's a little bit of time travel Huh, and he befriends the caveman and And at the end, they sing the jingle together and it goes, frosted lucky charms, ugglega meagachiga. Huh.

Huh. Huh. That's a direct quote. And I say that with confidence. Wait, not a day that goes by. I already don't at some point in the silence. Just look off into the distance and think. Frosted lucky charms. The thing that I find most upsetting about this is I know this is a hundred percent true. And Arnie didn't you say on earth that Zendaya is Uglegamigatiga?

I think I remember you saying that. Let's oh. This is the episode that makes the most sense of any we've ever done Oh my god Arnie these are These are magical. I didn't even I just ate this out of the box I didn't even put in milk and it's incredible. Yeah, magically delicious. Oh well I I take personal offense to that they are very good though Oh, but they seem more like a dessert to me, but... Also, what the hell is the ret? What? The part that's not marshmallows? What the hell is that?

Shit. Why isn't it just the marshmallows then? I know, right? I've written so many letters. I mean, I think it's insane to eat marshmallows for breakfast. I-I will state that. But it's more insane to have marshmallows for breakfast and then say Well, how about some dry shit in the middle of those? Look, I-I guess I get it. Sometimes... You just have to balance things out with a little bit of filler and as long as there's not too much, it's okay. Like, you can put a couple live shows in the main feed and it's okay.

It's not too many. Okay, well, we have to move on because I'm getting diabetes. So let's okay. Oh My goddesses. Who is this son? Presenting me on how many times have you said that? What is raisin brain? Oh, it's raisin brand next Okay, fair Oh Next. Okay, fair enough. Oh, you're in luck as this. Next one.

Look at this fucking bonkers rabbit raising for breakfast. That's a rabbit? Oh shit, that is a sexy rabbit. He's so excited. This is the tricks rabbit. That white blob with two white tentacles coming out of his head is a rabbit.

Yeah. All right. And here's the sad story of the tricks, rabbit. He is just desperate for tricks. Oh, he's not like Lucky the leprechaun who is protecting the serial from the children. In this case, he just wants that sweet serial, and the children cruelly keep him away from it. Why are the children in your world so cruel? They're horrifying. They're harassing Lucky the leprechaun, they won't give any of this cereal to this poor rabbit. And their defense, they've been eating the sugar cereal every morning for a decade.

They're high on the sugar. I hate to say it, but I think cereal is drugs. Yeah. Serial is drugs. Wait a minute. Every time I try and put this cereal in my mouth, it disappears. Oh, silly badger, tricks are for kids. What the fuck?

You can't have it, and the sad truth is, over time you're gonna slowly be driven insane by your unquenchable desire to have these tricks. So, oh I get it, I can't eat it and that's the trick, and this rabbit is some sort of demon. No, the cereal is the demon. The rabbit is a victim. The rabbit's a victim, yes, exactly. Twist. This cereal is almost like a cursed ring

that calls out to you, but will only destroy you. It's tricksy. Now, what makes them classic tricks? Are there neotricks? Classic is just a word that earth people slap onto things to make it seem interesting. Right when you said Neo-Trix, I tried to eat the red one, but it disappeared.

Yes, don't eat the red pill. This is very disappointing. I have to be honest, none of us can eat this cereal if it tricks us for kids. Why did they even bother sending it to us? Maybe it was sent to us by an enemy. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm four days and four nights, I shall abscond with that couch and bring it back to food with me. And you know fucking Kyle's mattress is just on the floor. Fucking Kyle. Kyle does that have a bit of a... Get it together Kyle. Kyle, this next box that I

pulled out of the big box is more what you need. You need something that's very austere, makes you feel a bit more like an adult. This seems like a cereal for serious people, because it's called life. Think about your life. Is that what people do? They get up and they get this box of cereal out and they look at it and they go,

oh my god, my life. This is cereal that's so depressing, you have to contemplate your choices. Sort of. I mean, when you're eating cereal in the morning, when you're a child or before cell phones are invented, I'm not just staring at the box, but, huh. Now you just stare your phone or something. And, Arnie, this might be a dumb question, I hope it's not. Does life this cereal get super hot while you eat it? I just noticed that the pieces are ventilated. So I was just curious why unless they move super fast and that's like streamlined You know, I'm gonna be honest with you. I've never had life cereal before what I mean

I always thought it was kind of boring like when I was a kid I kid cereal and then I didn't eat cereal so much when I was an adult Occasionally dipping into some of the what are you now? You said when I was a kid and then you said when I was an adult as if you are now a third different thing I don't know that question just I was just dead my tracks and staring in this box of life cereal now Is this like the riddle of the sinks? Well Arnie let's give you your first bowl. Here you go Oh, wait hold on. Let me keep shaking What the fuck oh we should be caret-chunk if it's a life cereal. It might be like red potion

I was saying what the fuck because on the box it shows the little ventilated panels and then it shows a bunch of raspberries But there's no raspberries in this box Well the raspberries where the raspberries in this box? Where are the raspberries? Where are the raspberries, Arnie? Oh, that's just called advertising. That's just lies that you put on a picture to make it look better. Why is cereal the most devious fucking creation on Earth? They're always tricking you or lying to you? Fear not. I shall overcome this impasse.

I shall make up for where the serial creators have let us down. Let life now be filled with blue raspberries. Now we're talking. Huh, it's not bad, but the second I hit my milk, it turned to basically liquid. Gross! Yeah, it's not good. I don't need to care for it. Okay, let's

Yeah, just like a grain film on top of this milk. Let me find a good one here Okay, what is this? Holy shit that tiger's about to eat that entire bowl once you did it again Arnie you little S.O.B This is the sexiest tiger I've ever seen. Although he looks fake because he's not blue. He's like an orange tiger? Yeah, he's kind of like a bangle tiger, I think. I don't see his wrists, so I'll trust you on the bangles. But he says, no.

He's just blue. I mean, it doesn't make sense for a predator to wear bangles. They're gonna hear him clanking around. And he's got a kind of jaunty red bandana tied around his neck. Oh, I said, you know He's sort of a 70s swinger. Oh, yes. See him on the side there. He's got his little red bandana on and Looks like he looks like a fronty scene They are great No, no, no, he's saying they're great

Arnie, I'm glad you said John T because I thought you were going to say he looks a little jaundice, because his eyes are yellow. His eyes. I never noticed this before. His eyes are yellow. Like he's... Yeah, like a cat. Just full up to the top with urine pudding.

So they're great. Is this he stutter? No, he gurrs. He's there. They're great. Oh, that sort of clever. And what is they he's referring to? Is it us? stutter? No, he gurrs. He's there., this one has a military commander on the front. His name is Kappen Crunch. Huh, it is saluting us.

He's saluting us. And then the serial, I can't tell if he's saying it or if the serial's saying it, but it says, Crunch, it ties me, Kappen. Yeah. Is this, is this serial being asked to be made more crunchy? Does the captain make things crunchy? That's just an expression that

like teens and like to say, they like to say things like, crunchitize me captain or notice me, Zaddy, things like that. So if I'm on earth and I want to blend in with a group of teens, I should walk up to them and say, crunchitize me, captain. Well, no, no, no, here's where you fucked up, though.

Oh, okay. You said, crunchitize me, captain. No, no, no, no, it's crunchitize me, captain. Ah, yes, the abbreviated, I see, yes, it does make a difference. Teens like, loser language, less formal than I would care for. So I would come into the end, I would say, dear Teens, crunchitize me, captain. I mean, the more we talk about it,

the more it sounds like a kinky SNM thing, crunchitize me, captain. Yeah, let's try some of these real quick though. I mean, it's definitely got a sexual component. I mean, he's wearing this uniform, but I don't know that he's with any Military that I'm aware of. It's all roleplay. You can tell by his mouth. This is like biting into a rock. What the fuck's the point of this? Yeah, what the fuck is this? This is garbage. This is so hard. Why would it be? I know understand that it's called crunch and that there's a

General a captain involved in and they're very serious and very stern but this is not pleasant to eat. Well, there are lots of different flavors. It's just fine. Hey Arnie, even though I don't like the cereal, I do think the cap in is pretty cute. That's the thing. Could you make it so that, you know, me and the captain make it happen? Do you want him to crunchitize you? I mean, I wouldn't mind. Notice me, Synthay. Come on.

Arnie, hook it up. Okay, here, you can have this box. You can have all of these boxes. Thank you. You're clutching some of them very hard, though. Ooh, what about this box? It's a vampire. Quick.

Arnie. Garlic. No, no. I steak. Quickly, a steak. No, you, we need guerlic. No, no, no. I stake, quickly I stake. No, you do not need to be afraid. This is Count Chocula. He is the mascot for the same name serial Count Chocula. The eponymous.

It's a chocolate cereal with monster marshmallows. Oh, marshmallows? Yeah. But hey, if this is taking it up a natural lucky charms, it's marshmallows. Marshmallows? Yeah. But hey, if this is taking it up and not from Lucky Charms, it's marshmallows and chocolate. Oh. And so he puts this out on his doorstep, kids come and eat it,

and then he drinks the kids blood. Yeah. It's a bowl for you and a bowl for you. Thank you. What does he drink the kids blood? You know, I've got to be honest, I'm trying to think back. I don't really remember what Count Chocolat's relationship to the cereal is.

Or does he drink the kids' chocolate? Ooh. Is he actually a chocolate vampire? Is that where the chocolate in a cereal comes from this vampire? Goes around and sucks chocolate out of children? Don't say that. And that's the chocolate in a cereal comes from this vampire goes around and sucks chocolate out of children? Don't say that and then that's the worst Wait, no, let's start saying it. I want to suck chocolate out of children No, Arnie, what's wrong with that sentence?

This is the first I'm doing nothing wrong Oh, and then he uses that chocolate to make this very cereal because if that's the case, I won't even have a bite Please patrons if you're listening to this you support us, you care about us. Don't repeat or tell anyone about anything that's happened in this count-chocula chunk. Okay, so it says chocolatey cereal with monster marshmallows. Monster Marsh, was he working in a lab when he made these? Whatever happened to the Transylvania Twist. Why didn't they just call them monster malos instead of monster marshmallows?

Mist opportunity in my book. That's true. Oh, and it looks like on the back there's a cut out mask. Oh, so I can also look like a pervert. Yeah, no thanks. Do we have any scissors? Actually, I did try these, they're pretty good. They're better than the lucky charms for sure,

because the dry shit in the middle at least tastes like chocolate. Ooh, guys I found the heaviest box in here. Oh, so heavy, what is this? The original grape nuts. Arnie, is this a joke? There's no sexy animal on the front. This is a cereal for adults. This is kind of like the adult cereal. Where's the mascot, Arnie? There is no mascot. It's cereal forward. It's, it's the concept of being adult is the only

theme that this cereal has. Cubs are strawberries and blueberries though. That's, nope. That's just in the picture. No, okay. But the only other thing in the picture is a big bowl of what looks like dried bear scat. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Oh, but at least it comes in the mail. Says post right at the top. Oh, let me try some here. How is it? It looks scary. I don't think this is edible. It'll make you poop. What? Here I'll try. I'll try a little bit. That's even worse than the Captain Crunch. So hard.

Arnie, I hate to be the one that has to educate you on this. Any food will make you poop. Yeah, I'm gonna skip through some of these boxes here. Oh! to educate you on this? Any food will make you poop. Yeah, I'm gonna skip through some of these boxes here. Oh, speaking of sexy animals, look at this one, Chantiff. Honey smacks. Check out this frog. Damn, who does frog?

Digum. That's a hip frog. It's wearing its hat sideways and everything. Wow. And he has freckles. I've never seen a frog with freckles. He's so cute. Sweet and puffed wheat cereal. Oh, that looks pretty good here. Let's get some of these for each of us. A little bit of the milk. We're almost out of milk here. I might have to go get some more. I mean, I've

I've been in the bedroom and I've had some honey smacks if you know what I mean. It's sweet But then once you get under the the lair of sweet on top, it sort of tastes like... Styrofoam? Hot Styrofoam garbage, yes. What sad thing happened to you when you ate honey smacks, Arnold? You know, I never, I think I've maybe only had

honey smacks once in my entire childhood. And I remember liking it, but for whatever reason I didn't need it that much. Maybe because I didn't see enough commercials for it. I mean, in my world childhood. And I remember liking it, but for whatever reason I didn't need it that much. Maybe because I didn't see enough commercials for it. I mean, in my world as a kid, like your interest in a serial really is directly proportional to how many commercials you've seen for it. Hmm. So you didn't buy the food that you liked to eat.

You bought the food that people showed you the most. Yeah, the TV told me what to do. Huh. So you're very susceptible to suggestion as to what you're telling me. Sure. If you say so. Give me all your gold. Give me all your gold.

Give me all your gold. I don't have much gold, but... Give it all to me. Here you go. Thank you. Hahaha. Oh, speaking of bad cereals. Look at this.

Kicks. Ha! Duff. Ha. Huh, tough, huh. No, no, it's just the name of the cereal, I think. Oh, those are fun mascots though. They seem very sweet and wholesome. No way, hold on, these aren't the mascots. There's no mascot for kicks. Kicks his whole thing is it's boring.

I'm looking right at them. Yeah, it's two would seem to be naive, adolescent dog, staring right at them. Yeah. It's two, uh, what seemed to be naive, adolescent dogs staring right at us. I assume that their names are strong and bones. Paul Patrol. I don't know what that is. Man, pretty brilliant to associate cereal with cops. I don't know,

that uniform works for cap and crunch, but this dog, nah, all dogs are bastards. But they do go to heaven. Oh, already I found the most colorful box. Wow, foodie pebbles. Who are these two gentlemen? And why don't they shave? Hmm, boy, this is complicated.

They're cavemen. Oh, the one that met Lucky the Leprechaun and said the phrase. Well, no, these are more advanced cavemen. They say more of them. What was the phrase again? Uglega migichiga. They say more advanced English like Yabba Dabba-Doo.

Yabba Dabba-Doo. Well, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, hungry. Let's dig into a bowl of this. Why are there so many animal ones and then one that just has two cavemen on it? That seems very peculiar to me. Yeah, are they brothers? Are they lovers?

They're neighbors. There's no content. How are we supposed to know from the context? It's just two guys celebrating cereal. Here's the thing, they are weird mascots, but they're basically from a, I don't know, pop if popular is the right word, old cartoon on my world.

And so I guess they were cheap enough to slap onto a cereal, but still popular enough that kids would care. So you're telling me these two grown men who are celebrating with pure joy and are both wearing no sleeves are not lovers? No, and they're not wearing pants. Well yeah, that's just one big shirt. And they both have really hot wives.

What? Yeah, like the kind of hot that you notice and think about. Let's dig it in, add a little more. What? Look, earth people know what I'm talking about. I'm sorry, look, they're not on the box, and that's not my fault,

and I cannot properly explain it. They just have hot wives that you know what it's about. Arnie, you don't have to agree about that, but you notice it's a living, you don't have to explain it. Arnie, I am concerned, because it feels like the larger gentleman on the left is wearing a shirt made out of the tiger from the previous...

Oh, no, you're right. Yes. No, no, no, no, don't worry. They're from a totally different time period. So that is probably Tony the Tiger's great, great, great grandfather or grandmother. Oh. But are these little tiny rocks taste like fruit?

Yeah. That's an amazing thing that exists on your world. We don't have rocks generally that taste like fruit unless they've been magically altered in some way. I know you love rocks. I love rocks. Oh, this is delicious. I feel like if it were only cocoa flavored, it might be my favorite cereal.

There's not just fruity pebbles. There's also cocoa pebbles But unfortunately, there's not a box of that There oh wait Fucking hell Arnie use it or quick quick grab your bowl and drink the milk just the milk, okay? What is that good this cereal has somehow changed the consistency and flavor of the milk? I like that very much. I like that a lot. It's it's sort of what's the flavor of it though? I can't quite place it sort of like

fruity Yes, it if the flavor that you would describe as fruity tasted nothing like fruit then that's what this flavor is Yeah If the flavor that you would describe as fruity tasted nothing like fruit, then that's what this flavor is. Yeah. So Arnie, how come they spell fruity if- or UI-T-Y? Yeah, another one spelled it the other way. So that it wouldn't rhyme. Mmm, mm-hmm.

Okay. Although also important detail that might not be clear to you from the box, Pebbles is the name of the child of one of these two gentlemen. That's horrific. Excuse me now. What's this? The larger gentleman has a child named Pebbles. And I guess the serial is named after her.

So you know the larger gentleman's daughter's name, but not his name? His name is Fred. Sorry, his name is Fred. Fred Flintstone. He's a caveman and his name is Fred. Should it be like, um, um, or like, um. No, he's more sophisticated and this younger guy is named Barney, Barney Rubble. And his child is named Bam Bam.

So they come more from modern Stone Age families. Yes. Wait, you have some explains to you, Arnie. Now on the back of the box, the man who's wearing a tiger shirt is driving a car. To be clear, he's running a car. Yeah, look right at the need there.

Yeah, underneath, he's just running it with his feet. Feet are sticking out. Oh, is that how you drove your car into the portal? No, because there have been advances in how cars work since then. So you're calling the floor of a car in the portal? No, because there have been advances in how cars work since then. So you're calling the floor of a car in advancement? Yeah. Also, there have been a lot of advances, in fact.

For instance, in my world now, if you run a vacuum cleaner, it's just a machine that sucks up dirt off of the ground, as opposed to like a... Maybe elephant? Elephant trunk. Maybe elephant trunk baby elephant trunk and an umbrella isn't like a bird that you stretch in a weird way I'm guessing

now we're talking where's Sam at? Sam? Sam it's raining I still don't understand why they're not called Frebel's Peoples but that's fine they do look like freebles pebles. Especially if his name is Fred you could call them Freddles Pebbles and it'd be a little bit closer to rhyming. They should be called

Freddables edible petables. I'm sure those exist but they're not officially sanctioned. Well Arnie I have to say I am completely stuffed and I could not suck the chocolate out of one more kid. I am stuffed. Oh Shit, I forgot the most important like if you're not children We should have gotten high before we ate any of this stuff. What? You're not high We took more glorb hours ago. Oh, why do you think I want to fuck all these creatures on the box? Ow. Freibos pebbles. Freibos, freibos.

Mario van freibos. Arnie, say freibos pebbles. Freibos pebbles. Right. Say the caveman thing again. Ugileg, amigachiga. Ugileg, amigachiga. Ugileg, amigachiga. Ugelega migatīga, ugelega migatīga, ugelega migatīga. Oh for fun. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young.

Sean The Talking Badger was played by Adel Refei. Hello from The Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of The Magic Tavern Patreon. Patreon supporters get two new bonus episodes like this one each month and a bunch are already waiting there for you, like Fall asleep with Flower, a Usodora and Spin Tax holiday special, and even a brand new boys night. You also get ad-free versions of the main show, which includes season one, two, and three, and uh, what, oh, all season one of Earth Games came to the Patreon in November and season one

of behind the Tavern hit Patreon in December, and, uh, you know, probably something else is going to come in January. Can't wait to see what. To learn more, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Matt Young, and Alilre Fie, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz, special assistance by Rindy Georgi, hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Aller LeBond,

Magic Tavern themed by Andy Pollard. We'll be back next week with a regular episode. See ya. Ciao, ciao. you