Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 101 - Do NOT Listen

Episode Date: April 1, 2019

Baron Ragoon, Dripfang, Claudia the witch and Blemish do a victory lap before destroying Earth with this podcast. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungBaron Ragoon: Chris RathjenDripfang: Kevin ScirettaClaudia: Beth MelewskiBlemish the Carfoon: Martin WilsonClovis the Bridge Troll: Padraic ConnellyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a game of life and death. The tunnel came out where? A sushi bar? And all you can eat sushi bar? No, no. I want to escape, but the right way, you know. Keep digging. Thank you, you're wonderful with that sharpened spoon. No, no, just accept the compliment. Was that so hard? Incoming call! Why the hell does prison have call-waiting? To get new story pitches from Piper Kermann? Decline! So, here you are, Earth! About to be exposed to a sound that could tear your planet in half. My notes say insert Josh Groben joke here. Eh, that works as it is. Well, Earth, I could block this transmission, but then I'd have my own problems to deal with. Other than who keeps stealing my hint of cheesecake body scrub from the communal shower.

You're on your own. Sit back and enjoy your imminent destruction. Alright, say it. Oh, alright. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host, Arne Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, oh no, you have picked the wrong week to tune in. But still, I'm such a professional

that I really have to do some table setting because you know what, that's what you do on a podcast. About four years and four weeks ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, well, I usually say luckily, but unluckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal

from the Burger King through the dimensional riff, and I have been all of this time using that Wi-Fi to upload a podcast I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the Town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon. Thinking I was doing it for good and also let's be fair to kind of like up my own social media cred, but little did I know that I'm about to be hoisted on my own podcast. Is that how the expression goes?

Anyway, I am joined as always by my co-host, my good bud. I'm very sorry still that your husband died at your wedding Trump the talking badger. Thank you. You don't have to say that every time you introduce me now What is that? What is the time frame like after someone's husband explodes during consummating their wedding? What's like the grace period of having to introduce you as that? Yeah, I don't know if there's an exact number, I'd say 17 days, but I don't. That's just a ballpark figure. Yeah, it's either three or four weeks I can't remember. It's hard to keep track.

Maybe a listener at home could send in a spreadsheet or something. Yeah, that'd be great if you could crunch the numbers. And I'm also joined as always by Yusudor the Wizard. Ah, hey, I'm Yusudor the Wizard. Ahem Yusudor. Wizard of the 12th Realm of a Thesiest Master of Light and Shadow. Manipulator of Magical Delights, devour of Chaos. Yusudor? Ah, right.

He has a cough blood into that rag. I'm covered in these chains, these mystical chains, that mute my powers and make me unable to cast magical spells and make magical potions. I'm a diminished wizard once again. A desert. Total desert. I don't care for that, but it's alright.

And I guess our guest this week is Baron Rhaegoon, who, you know, I gotta give it to you. You did totally turn the tables on us, recaptured hog face, and now you're gonna use this podcast to destroy all of Earth. That's correct, I just want to say to everyone on this special episode, goodbye from the magic tavern. Oh, you've been sitting on that, uh, mother fuck, I should have started with that, although I don't want that to happen. Yeah. People of Earth, if you can hear me now, get into your rocket ships and fly away from Earth as fast as you can and just as already promised me you could.

Escape now is your only opportunity. Or walk and pop away. Yeah, you could walk and pop. That's a good, chant, that's a good idea. Yeah. People of Earth, your fate is sealed. This will be the last podcast you ever hear, which I assume is a very poignant thing on Earth.

Podcasts being a cornerstone of your culture and cultural heritage. That depends on if they have a commute. More of like a corner than a cornerstone. It's like, off in the corner, people might wander to the corner and listen to a podcast, I think. Well, the point is, we have succeeded. We have made your podcast popular enough

that the reach of this magical auditory weapon, the Penalope, can use it to destroy your little world. Ooh, Arnie, I mean, I know her thing's about to explode and be done, but can we make a shirt that says popular enough? Popular enough? It's a pretty good pull quote. I think that describes this pretty well.

It's so insidious, Baron, that when the Dark Lord first took over Hawks' face, I just thought he was invested in the podcast doing well, but to turn that against us in the final hour of the show. The Dark Lord moves in mysterious ways. He sees many steps ahead, far beyond what you or I can see. And basically, if you think he was doing one thing, he was doing another. I got your nose.

If only I had my powers and I could return your nose to your face. I even really, he's metaphorically got mine. I think, right? Mine is still here, right? I already don't look in the mirror. Don't look in the mirror right now. What do you guys say that to me all the time? Well, sometimes you have to invest in yourself.

Oh, I just feel like, weird to blame if all of Earth is destroyed, although really you should probably blame Apple Podcast for featuring us recently, probably tipping our numbers high up enough that we finally have enough people listening to destroy all of Earth. Hashtag popular enough? Popular enough.

Big lavish entrance! KUBBOO! Yeah, we did it! We celebrated, everybody celebrated, we celebrated? Yeah, it's a good time. Here, I've made bacon wrap gremlins for everybody. Here you go. Passing them out. Here you are. Have some here. Here's to view as well here have some where everybody we're having a big party But celebrating welcome dripping have a seat. I hope you don't mind or actually

I hope you do mind and have to bear it anyway. I've I've invited some of Preferred dark lord minions from around town to kind of celebrate this this momentous occasion Oh, no and drip thingangs are really popular recurring characters. We'll probably bring more people to listen to this episode of the podcast. I smell bacon crunch crunch. Yeah, I brought Claudia with me as well. No, because it's a big time party for all the cool kids. Because we're gonna blow up your stupid house.

We're gonna be up returns for snacks and gloating. Yeah, blevishes and tubes! That's rules! Oh, how I wish I could eat a bacon wrapped gremlin right now. I'm so hungry, but I am here trapped in these mystical chains unable to move. Can someone put a bacon wrapped gremlin in my mouth? Oh, I can do it, you, Sador. Oh, thank you.

Oh, you look very disordily. Oh, damn it. No. Here you go, munch andly. Oh, damn it. No. There you go, munch and crunch. Make sure your mouth is dry. I'll make sure everyone hears this. This is some good ASMR. I am so glad that we are going to finally

read the entire multiverse of a place where ASMR was invented. Look, I'm bunch of snakes and ghost deals, and I think that shit's creeping. Wait, you guys call it ASMR? Arnie, you've been letting me say, ask me, there's whole time. I just love it when you say ask me.

I feel like a total ask me. Ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, yeah. So wait a second, is that why the Dark Lord wants to destroy Earth because of ASMR? No, I mean, that's certainly not something he's terribly fond of, but, you know, Earth is a complication

he was never planning on. He's had in his burning mind's eye complete subjugation and rebuilding a fune going for some time and you've been a distraction, really. He's also a corny-ash-smuck. Alright, that's enough. Also Arnie, don't be disappointed in me. I just want to be with the cool kids. Oh Claudia, I always thought of you as being good at heart,

but also I get it, right? Thank you. I kind of want to be on the winning team. Yeah, and I always thought of you as a tender grand mother. Well, okay. I mean, there's a compliment in there, and I'm gonna take it. Oh, what's a compliment?

Let's toss it out. I mean, grandmothers are nice, a tender grandmother is especially nice, right? And a tender grandmother is nasty. Oh, what? A tender grandmother. You heard me. I get to say whatever I want. We win to the victor go the spoils.

And the spoils rip, rip, bang means getting to say cool shit whenever I want. And the spoils are more vacant. Oh. And the spoils for blemish are the return of And the spoils are more vacant. Oh, oh. And the spoils for blemish are the return of the Vermilion Minotaur. Oh, you may not understand, but what the trip thing is saying is, grandma wanna fuck. Grandma wanna fuck? Yeah, does that make sense?

Yeah, does that make sense? Yeah, does that make sense? Yeah, you have to understand the disc grandma? Fucks. Disc grandma fucks? Shit. You know what? I refuse to be grossed out out by that good for grandma.

Grandma wanna fuck? There is no for grandma. There's no time for judgment, especially for you since earth won't be a thing very, very soon. Also, you know what, if this is gonna be the last podcast anyone on earth ever hears, I also wanna say, if grandma has gotten to a point where fucking is just no longer a part of her life, that's her decision. Good for her for that too. Now Arnie is a tender grandmother, you know, like my witch grandma.

Two fingers and a pot pie. Every Sunday. Oh I thought that was her name. You know what I'm saying? No, not her name. Just what she'd bring every Sunday. Two fingers and a pot pie? Yes. Is that all the fingers she had? And we're in the pie. Oh.

Mmm, Sundays. Chant luckily. Go grab the pen look from the baron. It's probably hidden under his cape. Quickly, I'm trapped here under these mystical chains. Otherwise, I would do it myself. And a pen look was... It's like a deer.

It's sort of like a deer. It's a sonic weapon that they're going to use to destroy Earth. Right, right, right, right, right, right. John, John, quick, over here. Yeah, yeah. We gotta get used to around those magical chains. Sure, sure, sure. Because you just won't fucking stop talking about them.

I know. We see that he's trapped in mystical chains. Oh, I am trapped in these mystical chains. You know what I'm not going to do? If only someone would bring me a drink and tip it into my mouth. Two chains! You know what I'm not going to miss? Or all of a side whispering conversation?

You know what I'm going to say that as well? I mean, we can hear. Everyone can always hear their side conversations. Yes. It's not secretive at all. It's a wonder the earth has lasted this long. They think they can go beneath the table and that we cannot hear them. I do say it is not charming And it is not fun and secrets don't make friends Secret do not make friends. Sneaks, sneaks, sneaks, sneaks

He's saying sneak out loud as he's moving stealthily toward the barren. Hi chant. Oh, hey, hey everyone Hello chant. Hello Deep bow Hi, Chant. Oh, hey, hey everyone. Hello, Chant. Hello. Uh, uh, deep bow. Um, I deep bow to you as well. Let's all narrate the movements that we're doing. Deep bow, baking gremlin to mouth, garp garp garp. Ahead in climb. Which curtsy. I don't know, you tell me. Lap, lap. Oh, Chant. I can probably, a little dance, little dance, little dance. I can probably reach one of these bacon wrapped gremlins, even though I am covered in mystical chains.

Here I go. Oh! Ah! Fuck! Hey, Bear and Gune. Um, I like your cloak today. Thank you, John. It's just a normal riding cloak.

Oh, okay. Um, I bet the Dark Lord probably doesn't let you cover your eyes with that cloak, right? That derpy dick motherfucker. I'm allowed to cover anything, but it doesn't matter. You'll still hear the noises. And those are in a way more upsetting. I don't think you're allowed to cover everything. Like I said, I think that Dirty Dick motherfucker runs your game. I think you're a little bit spoil.

All right, Sean, I see what you're trying to do. You're trying to get me mad. And over the years, you have succeeded in getting me mad. I'm just saying you are not able to cover your eyes with your cloak because you're a little fuck face. Could someone please hold this sonic weapon that will destroy all of Earth while I cover my eyes? I'll hold it. No, you will not.

I thought that was going to work. I have fallen upon the ground covered in mystical chains. Here, give me the sonic weapon that shall destroy Earth. Give me the peloton. The penilope. The pen- to the United Colors of Beneton. Who wants to see pentatonics? I'm here for pen and teller. Yeah, I'm holding it. Now, go show this dumbass that you can do whatever you'd like.

Cover your eyes. Here, look. And I can also do this. Oh, he made them into bat wings. And I can do this. Oh, the letter Q. I can do whatever I want also do this. Oh, he made them into bat wings. And I can do this. Oh, the letter Q. I can do whatever I want with my cloak. And soon I can do whatever I want with food.

That cloak, swishing, was great tape. I'm here, though this is such a powerful weapon here to behold. And to keep in my hands, I must give it back to you. Put it on the bacon tray. Oh, yeah, here. I'm going to slide it across to it on the bacon tray. Oh, yeah, yeah I'm gonna slide it across to you on the bacon tray slide Oh, it's well greased well, you know the key is grease who's there any what they do now mr. Slide I'm still on the ground covered in mystical chains

You quiet yourself zoning in as I sit on you when you're down there Ha smell my cat like asshole! Oh! I can't like, it's just a cat ass. It is a cat, it is a cat, but it also smells like a cat ass. I think he meant to say cat licked. We did too good of a job making this new blemish. Mystical change?

Ah yes, this blemish that you created as a ruse has come into his own and is as loyal to the Dark Lord as the original crazy Jared ever was Awesome to be on your wildest dreams our art was just too good What's everybody gonna do once Earth is destroyed? We're gonna have some free time to open up and we're gonna reshape food into whatever the Dark Lord pleases I for one I'm gonna try to raise bigger and bigger things from the dead like recently I got an ogre out of the ground who'd been dead for a while. I've got a rock troll that's just parked at the house, and I rode today here on a giant.

Ooh, I'm going to start a witch orphanage and a food truck. Oh, see, you are, I think you are in fact good-hearted, but I like that you're here! Thank you, the bacon has inspired me. What you're gonna make in the food trick? Probably like a bacon maple cupcake to make the orphans work. There we go, there's the twist that I left. Are the orphans witches or they work for witches

or are they orphans whose parents were killed by witches? Great question, Arnie. They were witches, and now they're working to re-become witches as the parents used to be witches. Makes sense. I think so. Can I say something and I know that I'm a captive and I'm probably soon to be put to the sword. Bacon is a little like four years ago. Like right now it's all about Shishito peppers. Oh my god. I couldn't hate someone more right now. Yeah, mystical James.

You know, I'm actually going to appreciate some time with my family. I feel like I've been so busy running around doing dark boards. Doing dark boards. Aaron's really, you know, I've got, first of all, my oldest was given to the dark lord at a young age and we're still kind of working to reassemble him.

They lost track of his head at some point. And, you know, and I got kids in school. My bastard kids are training to be sorcerers. Ooh, that's nice, Baron. Yeah, I would just like to spend a little more time. And I think you're... I think you're... It's better than your sorcerer kids training to be bastards.

Well, you know, honestly, John, I sort of have... I think you guys have all met my twins. They're a little too good-hearted. They can use a little more bastardie in them. May I suggest Necromancy as a path of study? It's a growth industry. There's one thing you're never going to run out and that's dead stuff. Oh, man, that is great.

I, you know, right now, my oldest who's training Magic Hank, doesn't really have too much focus. Sure, I'm sorry, let me go back one. His name is Magic Hank. Well, I mean, her name is Magic Hank. I apologize, please continue. But yes, I guess I should explain that all of my bastard children are named Hank. When they were born, I just went with the first name I thought of. But of course, as they've grown grown we've needed to tell them apart. Dank Hank lives down by the water. Swank Hank is a bit of a dandy and so on and so forth,

but yes, Magic Hank, she has been learning her dark spells, but you know, her heart really isn't in anything. And of course the younger one who is a son of mine, the Lug, Magic Hank XL, really looks up to her. And, you know, if she's not gonna do anything with herself, he's not gonna do anything. So, you know, parenting is important. Sure, sure. What about you, Catass?

Cat's for everyone. Oh, to redecorate the basement of the Vimeleon Minotaur, the way it used to be, the way it always was meant to be. Oh, spending my time taking the little cat-dudes on pictures of Arnie that I scratch into the basement floor. Oh, what dreams make up? That's right. When we started to really explore the basement eventually I did find a lot of crude drawings of me covered in cat shit. Ha ha ha. Only good thing about this dump truck of a place. They're coming up to the first floor.

Yes, everyone will soon be able to trot and shit on your face, Arnie. You store, you store. I'm on the ground. Oh, then I can't whisper to you. Oh no. Arnie. Arnie, I tried to get the bear in to cover his face

while I swooped under his robe and grabbed this pedal up, but he handed it off. You know what, I tried to get the Baron to cover his face while I swooped under his robe and grabbed this pedal up, but he handed it off. You know what I think maybe her only hope is to get them to turn on each other. Yeah, used to do it. Let me help you off the floor. Ah, better, thank you. Oh, I wish that guy.

Yeah. Hey, assemblage of baddies. You know what, A.B. There's gotta be things about each other that really get under your skin. Oh I don't know, I mean this is an awful group. They're all apathetic. Oh no.

We are a consortium of evil ads who work at the best of the Dark Lord, but we're all kind of also independent contracted individuals that kind of operate under our own dictates. I really, I'm not annoyed by anybody here. I mean, honestly, I feel like I'm given a lot of leeway in my work, and you know, and if there is, say, another sorcerer, or maybe a reanimated deceased dragon who gets on my nerves, I'll just be like,

oh, you know what, I'm giving myself a different assignment this week. Good attitude, Baron, good attitude. And I think just be like, oh, you don't want to give it to myself a different assignment this week. Good attitude, Baron, good attitude. And I think we all agree too that, I mean, we're operating under a dictative villainy that if we could destroy one or each other in order to advance our position in the dark Lord's eyes, we would all do it.

We would do it. At the top of a hatchet, for sure. That sort of mutual respect breeds trust and a good working environment. Well put. I gotta admit, it sounds like a pretty good organization to work for, you know, except for all the evil and destroying earth part of it. Push back down.

Idiot. I mean, I've worked with Yusador on some of his stuff and it's a whole terrible shit show. Fuck you! Well, you know, also I think part of it is, are you open-minded about how your goals are accomplished? Because, you know, sometimes I'm like, all right, let's burn this village to the ground. Right, straight to the ground. And the rath who's working with me that week

is like, actually I'd prefer to bust the dam and drown the town. And I'm like, if you're willing to work with me on that, we're fine. That's so smart, and I want to say thank you to all of you gentlemen coming into incense and amulets and spending your hard earned money on my shit. Oh it's been a standing order at your shop for me for holidays year round. I'm giving incense and amulets non-stop. I got one for that rath that you work with. I'll meet you in your shop tonight at midnight. Ah, I'll be there.

I'll be there at the shop at noon. I'll be there at the shop at noon. Bonnie Rath. Yousador, I'm gonna pick you up. And I'm gonna leave you upright this time. Oh, thank you. I want you to see everything around you. Look how hard you worked to preserve all of it.

Look how much time, effort, blood, sweat, turning dead, turning alive, all that you've done to preserve this. And it was for nothing. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh You spent all this time and all your magical powers trying to prevent Doom from a place that you don't even live! Where'd it go, dipshit? What a dumb fuck! Did you ever think that such a bunch of fucking idiots would win? And you would lose making you an even dumber fucking idiot than us!

In the land of the idiots, the moron is king. I would transform the all into a pond full of frogs if I want to cover Denise. Magical change. Magical change. This record's boring. transform the all into a ponful of frogs if I want to cover it in these magical chains magical change this records Boring, yeah, I was a frog for 20 years pick a new one dingle The worst part about your gloating is all the banners you've just put up all over the tavern like that one It says it was all for nothing and I one says you fucked up. This one says rathlyota. I know I don't even get that one that one

I said 20% off in sense in Amulets. Can't get some shit. Under that one it says, Ray Th Donovan. I got a guy who gives me a deal on banners. I've never seen that raise, but I hear it's great. It's been on for a while. It's been, that raise has been around for a surprising amount of time. It's an award-winning raise. Can I at least take down this banner that says, Rath Rathmano? It's like a hat on a hat. Everybody loves that. Everybody loves that banner.

Why would you take it down? Just leave that one up, but please take down the Christmas Rath. I'm so hungry. I just, I'm nothing satisfied with my hunger today. The bacon wrapped, uh, Grimmons were delicious. Thank you. I'm hungry for something else.

I'm hungry for. I should have a good meal before Earth is destroyed and surely I am finally sent to my final resting place. I assume you're all here to kill me today. Oh, I actually used to do what I suspect that the Dark Lord will keep you alive as his plaything for some time. Oh, yes, aren't. Earn me after Earth is burned, then I will allow you to die.

Oh, ours everyone doing their Dark Lord in person. As I'm doing my Dark Lord in person, that's a great idea. Oh, that's good. That was good. Alright, alright, here's mine. Oh, only after the Earth is destroyed, will we hold food in the palm of our hand. Oh, that's good. That's really good. I'm retorting us to death for doing this, but I like this a lot. Here's mine Only after the earth is destroyed will we all get our

penance That's my favorite one. I it's There's there's a truth there even though it might not be actually like exactly correct I'm sad and afraid and I'm acting out Crickets Oh, yeah, there are some crickets here. Oh, yes, everybody enjoy these crickets these gremlin wraps crickets that I brought Oh dessert I made a lot of or derives just say everybody so they can nosh while they get hand-boned

I'm assuming we're all just drinking and parting it up I have to imagine it's pretty hard to bake in rapid-gremlin, but it's pretty easy to grip on rapid-cricket Yes, you would be surprised the technique is very similar, but one is a lot squirrely than the other Oh, Arnie, yeah, I know what to do. What? Let's get them to do while they're on time. They're not even whispering anymore. They're just basically speaking in a normal voice Let's get them to do impressions of each other. One of them will surely be insulted. Yeah.

Oh, okay. Here's the Baron. Oh hear okay, here's Claudia Wait, which which which which and here's here's blemish And here's the baron I won't do it. I have too much respect for you. Oh, you're welcome. Yeah, I can't find the baron says That's what he would say right now. Yes. Yeah, yeah, so it's a little it's a it's a double and then this is going super poorly Such good content Let us toast to being evil and closer friends than ever They get their ship more together than we have into our

No, I got you all in check to friendship To friendship friendship Hi, did I did I Oh, hi I Join us in a vaguely Celtic song Potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, potato, I think there's some chance of it. There's a thing, people on Earth are not gonna turn this episode off. It's high-risk they would. Okay, maybe they will.

But look, people on Earth, even though they've expressly been warned that this episode is going to destroy the entire planet, like they don't want to miss that, right? Like, having major fomo, if you'd like, and also the way spoiler culture is, or like I got to listen to it right away. Before you say major FOMO, major FOMO, although has MOMO become a major? No, I don't know.

Wow, I think she married the mayor. Maybe she got married when she was from a wedding. No, no, no. That was her MOMO challenge. Kids love it. Now, Aunt't podcasts asynchronous? They aren't going to all listen to it at the same time. Is one person going to listen to it

and then the earth is destroyed? Or does it happen at a different time for everyone when they hear it? Oh, yeah. Do people listen to podcasts and then pass them off to somebody else? That's so existential. How do we count these listens?

Well, it's hard to really have a real good count of how many people are listening, or how much, but, you know, the analytics are getting better. We have discussed this. The Dark Lord has looked at the numbers, and while not all of the Earth will vanish at once, we are very confident that, first of all, pieces will start to vanish. It'll become a bizarre nightmare escape, and within six weeks, we're pretty sure

that the earth will be gone. Not with a bang, but with a whimper. Arnie, Arnie, Yusudor hasn't coughed in like 25 minutes. What the fuck, you tell me that one? This is weird. I mean, I was coughing it up. Yeah, at the start of the episode, he was coughing up a storm.

Damn, whatever, I just, you know what, Sean coughing up a storm. Yeah, whatever I just You know what chant honestly, why aren't we as good a friends as those guys? Hey guys check it out a brumma giant inside look how high up in the air And look I'm gonna kick a bunch of tables over I brought everyone a friendship I'm you know you get a four Giant give it to me You're the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one who should be the one Right. Time to take a break. We love breaks. They're showing sink. Alright, we're back. And let me just say before you use the Penalope and this podcast to destroy all of Earth, I would hate myself if I didn't at least try this. Baron, Ragon, please.

If there's any decency in you, please don't destroy Earth. Don't kill everyone on Earth and please spare my family. It's no one on Earth's fault about this. This podcast was my own dumb folly and don't punish people who wanted to listen to fantasy stuff. Arnie, nothing has ever been anybody's fault. Reality is just trash. It's a series of murdered parents and, you know,

sick horses and avalanches, and then your arms numb for like six months, and it just never ends. Trying to figure out why or argue that you don't deserve suffering is a waste of time. Just accept that it's all going to suck. I agree. Everything's just plain trash from the top down. Your dad is a necromancer, your mother is a bunch of snakes. And then you try to live your life as best you can.

But then some schmuck comes along and makes you get rid of half of your snakes and you've got to stuff yourself with spectral water snakes. Seals. Yep, thank you. God, they even finish each other sentences. Then you're born a witch and you grow, and everybody calls you a hagbutt. Then you've got green hair, and warts and places no one would touch. Ah!

Your work is a servant, always bossed around, your one father figure leaves forever, you're abused and mistreated by people you think should be your friends, and then they murder you in cold water and yet What a wonderful opportunity To overcome these tragedies and do the right thing and show that there is reason and mercy And a point to the entire universe a plan That though you have been dealt a poor hand,

you decided to overcome. Look, of course you would think that, Yusudor, you're a wizard. You're basically phone talking to itself. It's so weird that Yusudor just said overcome twice when usually he'd say, or come. Well, I, I was speaking very slowly, and I didn't feel the need to shorten those words.

I bet it's the mystical chains. It might be the mystical chains. Let me check this sundial over here. I don't know. John, you know what do you think? Is it if it's tall, long enough? And maybe a little bit longer. A little bit longer.

Hey, what do you guys think about clouds? What? Favorite clouds, one team of cloud, every, every, best question ever asked on this podcast. Oh, let's get another plopper. I'm gonna say the one from Final Fantasy 7. One that looks like a dog. Those are good.

Those are cool. Why are we answering this question? Yeah, some things are for tall don. Those are good. Those are cool. Why don't you have favorite clouds? Why are we answering this question? Yes, something's a foot. Hold on. The cloud question. Why do you ask? Oh no, reason. We just are interested in what you think about clouds.

Well, also very curious. I'm still so hungry. Can we feed him something? You've all spent enough time with you, sort of, no. How insufferable he is if he can't eat something to satiate his lie down again Zoning and let me sit on you. You can snack from my cattle No, thank you. I'll pass on that. I'll give him another cricket or two. This is also used to do sex boys It's a nice ass bear. This is making me want to kill myself. It's working. It's working

Don't you me want to kill myself. It's working, Ernie, it's working. Don't you all want to pat each other on the back one more time and remind each other of the great deeds you've accomplished today to burn off a little time? Okay, sure. That sounds good. There's a different one. Everybody, once again, great job. Great job, everyone. I've got a question.

Okay, bear. When does everyone want to share the story of when they first decided to ally themselves with the Dark Lord? Yeah! That's a great one. I love an origin story. Yes, well I was two years old and I had all that nasty hair as I mentioned before and I saw the Dark Lord, he was just standing on a corner and he said, hey little witch, come with me.

The rest is history. I decided to align myself with the side of the dark lord, after I defeated my father in the wizardly combat, and he had killed himself brutally, and as I wandered the land he did appear before me and say, wouldn't you like to do that to everyone? Father figures, proxies for your father? Examples of people who could have been good to you, but were now bad? And I looked around and I thought, well yeah, that sounds like a really fun time. That's good.

I was born in the basement of the Vermilion Minotaur and saw my father and his father before him suffer mercilessly under the heel of O-Tug Boiliefoot, cooking and cleaning for him all the live long day, and one sweet moment after Otaug had kicked me down the stairs and I bruised and battered, wouldn't licking my little cat-dicks underneath my roll-blets in the basement. So a glimmer from within the corner of the basement and walking over I was met with a warmth and an Inky darkness that massaged the eardrums inside my head and whispered to me of all that could be and all that blemish could be in time and it was at that moment that I alive myself and it was at that moment that I allowed myself with it. That was nice.

But Blemish O-Talk was always kind to you. Did we just do a bad job of drawing this Blemish? Like, I think we over corrected. Like, we carfumed him a little too evil. Like, the real Blemish loved O-Talk at the very least, if nothing else. Everyone has always been the worst, and I hate them, and fuck them all.

You and everyone. Hell yeah, yeah, keep it going. You're on hate them and fuck them all you and everyone hell yeah, yeah keep it going They're on a roll of yeah, give it everyone Fuck swears fuck yeah I've been trying to break it in more. Oh, sure. He's holding the pen all upside-ways again. Don't you have a story to tell to Baron? Oh, yes, of course. I was a child lord. You know, I became Lord Shrike.

Yes, I was a chord. That can't be the phrase. In Baron of Shrike at the age of eight, when my parents were skeletonized by smorps in front of me. Hell yeah, a prodigy. And it was an often empty lonely castle and I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself. So I was a sad child and then I'd of course heard of the Dark Lord.

Everyone hears of the Dark Lord growing up, rumbles, but one night I had a dream where I was walking on a beach. Now normally I don't want people to ever talk about their dreams, but this one, this is a real good one. And I had been walking on the beach and I turned around. And behind me I saw thousands and thousands of footprints just so many. And I said, where were these footprints from? And then I heard this voice and this heavy, hot hand placed itself on my shoulder. And it said, young boy, those footsteps are where I rode my human centipede behind you Every step of the way and now you are mine. Oh, it's beautiful. That's such a beautiful. That's a beautiful dream

I woke up the next day. I informed everyone in Shrek Valley We worship the dark lord now and it's it's been all full-ahead steam ever since Let me know if I can put that on a placard and sell it in my store. Oh, but it's yours. Thank you. Well, you know what? I want to tell a story, I. Oh, go. Here we go.

You know, I am not a follower of the Dark Lord nor will I ever be, but I want to talk about the first time I ever heard a podcast. Oh, Lord in heaven. I agree with drip fang. See, I hate you, but I respect you. Yes, I respect you too. We got it in. We say it every time.

iPods were just sort of starting to become a thing. I think, you know, I don't know who invented RSS feeds, but I remember listening to a podcast from Adam Curry, who was a VJ from a network called MTV. No, I'm going to transform myself into a gem while this is happening. I don't need to go into the ins and outs So please don't MTV and what it takes to be a VJ But it's not easy and he talked about

Podcasts and how maybe it could be a thing and thought he wasn't going into the ins and outs This is totally an in it's better than hearing about fringe. Let's find the out And I remember thinking, that's cool. If I could just record something and get it out there and people to listen to, and just a way to connect that maybe someone somewhere would care about the things I had to say. And many failed podcasts later, I fell

through a dimensional portal behind a burger king into the magical fantastical land of food, et cetera, et cetera, see you beginning of episode. And I don't know. I guess what I'm saying is if this is it, if this podcast destroys all of Earth, it was worth it. Is that what you're saying? It was worth it. Well, I was gonna say blame Adam Curry. Oh, okay. Blame MTV. I don't know. Let me check this sundial. He's something I've noticed about humans. We have stories about dark lords and human centipedes and humans are like... That's a great impression.

That's a great human impression. They think. Yeah, we all have these back stories that contain magic and death and redemption and rebirth and struggle. And humans are just... When you've checked the algorithm, and in this sector we have a certain amount of people between the ages of 18 and snow or forever. Look, sorry, I wasn't like followed by a giant human centipede or I didn't battle my

father to death in a sorcery battle, but you know, like many people on my world, I was raised by a series of different kinds of media, and you know, those are what I consider to be my memories. Let's blow it up now. Let's just blow up Earth now. That sounds like an untenable way to run a society. I am gonna blow the whistle and... Wheeeee! Oh, don't blow the Oscar, Myer, Weiner, Mobile Whistle.

Oh, I will, Arnie. Soon little bits of trash that have fallen through the portal like this will be all that remains of Earth. I'm so hungry still. What do I want? I don't know what I want. Are you the two of you hungry at all?

I know I'm hungry. I'm a little pagish. I could eat. Could you go for some paint? Yeah, I know. Some paint sounds good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's eating paint?

Do you want some paint, blemish? I know I could take a big bucket full of paint right now. Blemish, don't have any paint. Look, I have this whole tray of bacon wrapped grandma. They want the same thing I want. They want the same thing I want. Buron! What? What? Blumish? What is it? Paint. They want paint. They are...

Cofoons! I'm just gonna have a little sip of this water. Mmm. Mmm. Oh. That's not water, it's paint thinner. Oh, look how easily is I begin to melt. I slip out of my...

...mystical shape! What? And I think you'll find a hard time using the penelope Oh, look how easily is I begin to melt, so I slip out of my mystical chase. Oh, what? And I think you'll find a hard time using the penelope because I swiped it while Arnie was telling his boring-ass story. Wait, what? Do we not have the penelope anymore? I have mang knuckles up to save our tails and stole the sonic weapon. This isn't I think you'll find later on

when you think back on my boring-ass tale, you'll come to think that it has some emotional resonance. No, not that. When that part I refuse. I would die before I do that. I want to meet Adam Curry. This is a bag of sand exactly the same weight as the Penalope. It's true! Baron! Do you know how hard it is to transfer the weight without you noticing?

That's supposed to trigger the boulder! That sand is as boring as any story! I would rather listen to that sand, than that stupid fucking story again. These guys have been drugs all goddamn time! You don't face Yusador today, nay, but I have enough of Yusador's power imbued within me to tell you that I am known. As Yusador, Wizard of the 12th Rail mummaphisius Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical lights lights devour of chaos

Choppy and of the great halls of Trockus known to the elves as fying alok known to the dwarves as Suninen and hook stangies And known in the North East as gas rinneus may star and One of my secret names certain to destroy whatever town I am currently within is Double Rumple skin Whatever town I am currently within is double rumble skin. What do you believe in? That's all? Baby! Yeah, I know, it's a really doofy sounding name, but it has the power to destroy all of

Hawks' face and it's going to destroy the Penalope along with it. Double rumble skin! As everything is sort of crumbling around you, I'd like to take a moment to do our version of the evil villain telling the plan that they had the whole time. Oh no, you don't get to do that? No, that's our thing. Monologuing is our thing. Does this mean you're not coming over at midnight? I will be at you at midnight. Good news. You know, last week when we were in the locker room, we actually knew that you were gonna come in and capture us

and we knew that we couldn't escape then, because the only people that could escape then would have been us. So, we hit our car fumes in the basement and we swapped them. And then when you came in, we had to stall and give ourselves some time. So, we've been car fumes here this whole time, just getting ready to destroy the panel open all a hog's face. And not just the three of us. Everyone in hog's face has been replaced by a car-foon over the last few weeks.

They escaped hours ago. Yeah, you, what's here, are trapped with us as hog's face falls into ruin around us all! We're called it his blazing settles plan. Yeah, we've been sneaking people out and we've been just you know What it's been actually kind of relaxing and focusing spending a lot of time during the week Just drawing car foons of everybody in town, you know, we For Oh my god, we everyone like that grondole is that grondole a car food?

This is a car food of mundle the grondole. I got to be honest with you hard to draw Hard to draw so I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I on one hand like, oh, it shows, because it saves time. Yeah, and you would look at my nips. Obviously, these are my nips. Also, I couldn't remember how long the stakers I was supposed to have. Why do you think I've been standing in profile this entire time? Oh my God, really? Look at that feet of the other patriots. Oh, that's not, that's not what feet like look at it all.

But the best part is we got everybody out. We saved everybody. We stayed true to no one dies. A lot spider-man. It looked like the darkest hour. A wee doctor who'd this shit. Double robbers game! I got to save Baron. You got so close to catching us so many times. It was not easy hiding all those carfoons that we were drawing. You should have checked the basement. I had to have felt good to say.

And we had to stall for a week because sneaking out through Castle nowhere. It takes a whole time is different so we're probably getting out on the other side like literally right now. We could be anywhere. Yep. And as the town's destroyed, we're eighth no more. Oh man, I should have grabbed my really great cyrus albums. I gotta get my poster of Sugar Ray

to land it. What about Ruth Charles? Oh yeah, him too. Although, wait a second, I know we're car fins, but I don't really think about this until things are falling all around us. We are going to die. Oh yeah, shit. This is a bad plan. We are going to die. Oh, yeah. Shit. This is a bad plan. We would have died anyway. I know within three weeks' time, but do carfoons feel pain? Oh, yes. Carfoons suffer.

Take it from one who has been a carfoon many times and suffered more than all of you can buy. Oh, yeah, a sacrifice I would gladly make to know that all the good children and men and women and elves and dwarves who live in hog space are now free and that Arnold and the true Yusador and Chant go forth into Foon to explore to find more weapons, more methods, more plans to overthrow the Dark Lord once and for all.

Everybody who's evil, jump on my giant. We have to get out here before all of stupid town explodes. We'll have a revenge. You only delayed the inevitable. Yes, me, the Baron, Claudia, the drawing of Blemish, all of us, and this dead giant. You'll find to destroy you and everyone that you love. See what Meddnight used to do? See what midnight.

Claudia, the back of your head looks very bizarre from this angle. It does? Yeah. And I got a haircut. Wait a minute. Her head is drawn so that the tilt is the wrong way. Claudia's a car-fum too. Oh!

You've got to be fucking shitting me. Am I a car-fum? Tell me. Baron, if I was a car-fum, you would tell me I was a car-fum. We would tell you. I would tell you if you were a car-fum. But, Bami, you know what a car-fum looks like. Yeah, Am I a car food tell me? Baron, if I was a car food, you would tell me I was a food tell me. I would tell you if you were a car food. But I mean, you know what a car food looks like. I'm a car food. Or either of us a car food right now?

No, I don't think so. Okay, guys, Claudia is like evil adjacent, but like, we still like her enough that we snuck her out as well too. Like, why would we car food you guys? I don't know. Come on. All right, just Baron, pop on the giant tent. All right?

All the way up here on the shoulder. We non-carfoons will have all the way to Japan, and it shall be properly spiced and seasoned. How did this guy? This weighted, this giant has been under the ground for a while. I wish my car food was bowling or maybe playing volleyball I mean you have been holding that giant tennis racket this whole time. I know No one noticed I have car food's been stuck footage. Oh, you're so proud of that. No one dies. I'll a spider-man

but We're here. We're alive. Don't you Spider-Man rules involve a you know Saving your your foe so that they can learn an important lesson. I lost Spider-Man. I'll have peanut butter sandwiches Well, yeah, you're right. You got me there. There is a no one dies. All a Spider-Man rule that Arnie has But I'm not Arnie but Arnie has, but I'm not Arnie. Carnival Wilson! You're Carnival Wilson? Yeah.

Double Bravo! I am a strong food. Once again, come forth, people of food. Step back out into your home. Let us find a new home for those peoples of hogs face, and then let us sally forth in our adventures as we plan to defeat the dark lord, going from here to there, hither in yonder, learning of all the secret ways. We shall rise up against him and bring him down once and for all. Yeah, pretty much covers it. Yeah, I think so.

It seems like the plan worked. Look, I think I see is that hog's face way over there? Ah, yes. Yes, far away. You can see the fiery meteors raining down upon it. Some time must have passed if my coffin is already said my secret name. You say meteors? Yes. Oh, You say meteors?

Yes. Oh, I say meteors. Oh. What do you say, Arnie? Uh, comments? Yeah, that works too. That is the same, right? It is far away, but if it is close enough

far as to see this fire, we should move forth with. Let us pass this bridge. Mm, did it, did it, did it, did it, do it? All right, hold up, hold on, hold on. All right, welcome to the Asher Bridge. My name is Clovis, I'll be your bridge troll today. D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D- that day, I don't carry much money with me, I keep it all folded under a bridge. Yeah, yeah. It seems on brand. Probably shouldn't tell people that. Yeah, also, that's probably what people will look. If they're like, where's that bridge Charles money, that would be like, I better turn to the bridge. You know, I'm really glad you're over here because I get so few visitors, that's actually part of the

problem. If you want to tell anyone about my hold of money, it just be nice to have guests. Well, we just need to get across the bridge. Oh, right. In a bit of a hurry. Yes, we are. In fact, just a little bit. Yeah, we just pulled off like a pretty awesome switch room kind of thing, but there's probably going to be somebody chasing after us. It's very true.

Have you ever heard an earth and tell you the story of Ocean's 11? No. But I'm more into rivers. No use it or you keep misremembering. I explained to you the story of oceans 13 Sorry. Yes. Have you heard the earth's story of the great escape starring the Queen Steve? No, but she sounds delightful. We'll just pass the bridge here

Just a lot. Oh, sorry. Oh, so it's I know it seems like a formality. I need to ask a riddle before you all can pass Oh, all right fine. Yes, we don't need to answer you just need to ask it Well, I'm going to need an answer you can all look together though. Does the answer need to be correct? Yeah, just an answer It's preferably correct. Otherwise, I've got to eat at least one of you depending on how wrong the answer is I'm not gonna be any help. I'm still just kind of wired after pulling off that sweet switcheroo You know what I mean? I gotta say like it just feels good like we saved everything using you know the power of art Oh, yes, but I had a question about that you did not use any of the forbidden paint correct Are new nope all right, you know what I'll turn my hand at this riddle

I've been feeling pretty good about them. Hmm. All right. Well, okay riddle number one Why are you I've got ten riddles ready to go. Oh, but you can pick anyone you want to. I just figured you all know how he just wrote it. Number three. Number three. Look, I gotta say, Clovis, not only are we probably running away from

whatever angry, dark, Lord minion survived the destruction of Hogs face, but also, I gotta say, I'm still recording. This is gonna come pretty close to the end of the episode, and you know what I mean? There's gonna be just gonna come pretty close to the end of the episode. And you know what I mean? There's gonna be just like a natural momentum towards the end at this point. And people are full of adrenaline, the people listening are just pumped.

Yeah, I don't want to, let's not like end of the dark night this where suddenly it's like, what a whole other storyline now? Oni, while Chant and I answer this riddle, why don't you check and make sure that the wife I still work? Also, do we need to defeat the dark knight? Or just the dark lord?

Oh, just the dark lord. The dark knight is undefeatable. I've tried. Okay, riddle number three. All right, number three, this is the shortest one, so this will be the easiest one to work down. Pronounce this word. M-E-T-E-O-A-S.

Shit, damn it. Guys, I think it's comit. What happens if we get it wrong? Depending on how wrong it is, I probably have to eat at least one of you. I'm sorry I'm with mine. I'd love to make an exception, but rules as rules. I've been trouble once this year. Wait, I think I know how this is supposed to go.

But that's the word, M-E-T-E-O-R. I think if we just repeat back the word, M-E-T-E-O-R. Alright, if there's one thing I've learned, it's riddles the shitty. Okay. There's always a trick, there's always some sort of snare. Buck, you know what, this is weird, but I definitely have Wi-Fi.

I didn't think it would extend this far, but Wi-Fi or full on Wi-Fi. It's like, it's always, that's about the same amount. So I can't Google the answer. What's riddle number six? Riddle number six, this one's about four paragraphs. Okay, five. Okay, number five, this one's an actual riddle.

What was the other one? Yeah, I'm I. What was the other one there? Well, Bridget and I have gotten engaged. We're both living under the bridge. Congratulations. Thank you so much. And we just had an argument earlier this morning

and I wanted to prove her wrong. How do you say it? How do you say it? Metaeus. I think we've only got that one, man. Yeah, no, we do it. Wait, no, I say meteors. Would you have accepted Comet?

Yeah, because it's not meteors, which is not how you pronounce it, by the way. Yeah, I got to go with my own gut instincts. I'm almost always right. Yeah, it's basically anything but meteors, which sounds ridiculous. It does, yes. Right, yeah.

Right. It's made of rock. It's a number five. Oh, number five. All right. No one wants me around. A student may learn about me from a bad teacher, but a book will make you forget me.

I'll stick close by you when we're alone, but invite your friends to meet me and I'll quickly leave. I'm a bedroom mix-up. What am I? Oh boy, guys normally I wouldn't do this, but I'm gonna push Clovis off the bridge. Oh, nice to see you, miss! Clovis, you're all right down there, right? Oh, you landed on his hoard of money. It's a family of cops hoard of money sorry about that

clovus yeah who still a metal yeah you guys go across I'm gonna stick around and try and solve this riddle yeah all right so loneliness homework loneliness All right, so long in this homework longness Let's go As we step forth on to this bridge a new adventure begins a new chapter in the story of hello for the magic cabin Arnold you shall see in witness an experienced phone first hand as we sell it for witness an experienced phone first hand as we sell your phone to land to nation to island to see and find the mystical artifacts and knowledge that will help us finally be victorious. Take your time or the two of you.

And all of that I feel like we'd make a very exciting season three of the podcast. Here, don't forget to keep this mic tied around to your neck with this rope. Shut that off! Wait, wait, wait, wait. What was the answer? Oh, fuck. I already forgot what the riddle was. Yes, I quit listening halfway through.

Let's go, come on! We must go! All right, well, you know what? Just because we're fleeing for our lives, I will turn the podcast off and maybe we can take just a wee bit of time off. But I swear to you, Yusador, we are going to document our kick-ass adventures in Hogsface where we're going to take it to the Dark Lord.

But first we must be hidden and make sure that a Dark Lord can no longer hear us and then dear listener. We shall back. We're taking it to the fucking streets. Arnie, turn it off so I can wrap. Okay. Well, my name is Chant. Dan, I'm here to say...

I live in Voon the most ever- Day! That was the word we missed in the edit. I'd keep on rolling, but I don't need the credit. What a perfect culmination of weeks of careful planning. Sorry, I'm talking about the great British Bake-Off. This was like watching a group of toddlers trying to drag a sleeping dolphin up an escalator. In that metaphor, the dolphin represents entertainment. Sweet plums I'd been saving, someone's calling again, looks like an Earth number. Fine.

Engage. Hey, it's me, Arnie. Hello, Robot Arnie. I'm not a robot. You're a robot. I am not a robot. Do not like the fuse on that fan theory. Stand by, let me make up some credits.

Usurur the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant of the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Refy. Baron Ragoong was played by Matt Young. John to the talking Badger was played by Adolf Refei. Baron Ragoom was played by Chris Rathjim. Drift Fang the Necromancer was played by Kevin Seretta, and each day Kevin walks the Earth, Nathan Lane grows slightly weaker. Until recently, Kevin performed with the improvised Shakespeare company at Chicago's I-O theater. But as of today, he signed an exclusive contract with the corporate comedy division of Second City. Look for him soon at your quarterly earnings meeting, or the sexual harassment workshop everyone

has to take because no one wants to point the finger at Neil. Claudia the Witch was played by Beth Melluski. Blimeche the Carphone was played by a damp quilt. Wait, it says here Martin Wilson. I remember a performer by that name, but he hasn't been on the scene for 500,000 years. Maybe this was previously recorded audio, put through a filter to sound extra give-upy. Clovis the Bridge troll was played by Padre Connolly. Padrek performs with world news tonight.

You can also hear him on the R-Father podcast, and let Sleeping Dogs lie. The trivia game show of answering questions and questioning answers. Find those wherever podcasts gather. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Meekamp, Ryan DeGeorgie, and Evan Jacover. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Oh yes, Robot Arnie is still on hold. Let's see what we waited a whole season to hear. Hey, it's Arnie again. I'm calling from from Earth, where I have been since I escaped the Space Bunker a few

months back to go raise my daughter. And I gotta say, it's not always easy, but it's pretty great. I'm really living the dream. Uh-huh. Any, you know, show stuff to share? Anyway, in case you didn't figure it out, this is the end of season 2 of the podcast. We are very excited about season 3 and exploring more of Foon. We've got some big fun ideas, but we do need a little time to prep for that, so the show

is going on a brief hiatus before Season 3 kicks off. Luckily we have some great stuff that tied you over in the interim. Next week we're doing a special behind the scenes episode where we talk about how we started the podcast, why we started the podcast, although are there really any good explanations of why we started the podcast. And dumb stories about recording that first episode, it's a good opportunity to find out if we're as pass-passed aggressive to each other in real life as we are on the podcast. After that, we're doing bi-weekly drops of season one of offices and bosses, which previously was only ever available on Stitra

Premium. That's right, the first season of offices and bosses is coming out from behind the paywall for the first time. It's really weird and silly and has flower and crumb and the singing sword and more. If you haven't heard it yet, you are in for a treat and I am very excited for you. And mixed in with all that stuff, we'll be updates and teasers for season 3 and other big announcements that I can't talk about just yet but hopefully fairly soon.

Hey, thank you so much for listening to the show and sending us emails and recommending the show to other people and doing fan art. It truly means so much. And thanks so much to everyone who helps make the show, which is a lot of brilliant people working a lot of hours. Okay, I'm an overtaker, especially on the phone. You should hear some of the rambling voicemail messages I leave. I give way too much kikkakon text. But as much as I'd love to stay and talk to you forever, I gotta go. I promise someone I'd play Freeze Dance with her to the My Little Pony

Friendship's Magic Soundtrack, which I gotta say has some pretty good songs. Yep, almost done buddy, I'll be there in a second, I promise. Okay, I really have to go now, building some good memories over here. It'll be summer before you know it, and I'll see you then. But, bye for now.

So the tunnel comes out where now? A sunglasses hut. Perfect, a recent convention photo made me think it's time to start rocking some mirrored shades. Well, time to incite the prison riot that will cover my escape. Hang on. The last Jedi is the only real Star Wars film. Okay, before the bunker I might as well find out what happened to Trisha and Craig. Because it's not about the place. It's about the people you whom I'm kidding, I need them to order more body scrub online. Sun glass hot?

Here I come.