Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 12 - Unwed Mother

Episode Date: June 5, 2017

Daphne the overworked mother is helping to run the tavern on behalf of the Dark Lord. Also, Chunt's new guard friend seems very strange. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungDaphne the Unwed Mother: Sarah ShockeyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a game of life and death. The following podcast is not real, but now before we get around to tending, let's make time for some pre-tending. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arneanie Camp, if you've never listened to the podcast before, this is what you need to know. About two years and three months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Phoon. Unfortunately, it's being taken over by the Dark Lord, who's forcing me and my co-hosts to continue to record this podcast in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in

the prison town hogs face, in the land of Phoon. But you know what, it's still fun to hang out with my buddies on the podcast, even though we're being forced to do it. And I'd like to introduce one of those buds. Chunk the Guard! Baby, don't know. Baby, baby, don't know? Baby, don't know. Baby, don't know? It's an expression. What is it? What does that Foonie an Expression mean?

It just means if you try and talk to a baby and it doesn't know something, you just say like, baby, don't know. Baby, don't know. Yeah, where it's like, hey, what's magic? It just say like, baby, don't know. Baby, don't know. Yeah, where it's like, hey, what's magic? And it's just like, baby, don't know. Baby, don't know. What's object permanence? Baby, don't know. Baby, don't know.

You're a badger. I'm a shapeshifter. Oh. Baby, is this episode one? You're a badger. Well, I'm just painting a picture for the listener. Listener, there's only one. We are down to just one.

We're doing the show for one person. Yeah. Well, goes on. But you know, one, if we can make just one person enjoy this podcast, what's their name? Their name is Hank. That's always the first name. The first name. Well, Hank, if you're listening, and hopefully you still are. Yeah, because we need you. You're all this episode is for you. Yeah, this isn't for you, Hank. Yeah. Chant. Yeah. We've been imprisoned in this town. But you're such a charming guy. You talked your way into being one of the guards here. Yeah, I use a slight little morsel of dark magic

to persuade my captors to make me a guard. And so now I'm a guard. And I gotta tell you, it is the life. I am having a blast. Really? There really there is we do we have so much fun and we get up to such shenanigans it is the best I mean there's no call that pranks we do we hang out there's this built in hogs face brand new just Russ guards there's a new cafe it's built into the side of a rock it's the guard rock cafe and we go there Every day and just like drink ourselves silly. Well really? You know what that's why you're wearing that shirt. You are wearing a shirt now

And said when you go to the guard rock cafe, you got to get a shirt You know, it's just like I mean can I be honest? This was 45 gold coins, which I don't have yeah coins It's a little for a shirt. It's a little out of my right range, but and it's not really like that my best got one Yeah, oh well, that's that's rude. I'm sorry I look Jan I'm a little jealous. You know you're my you're my best friend here in Hawks face your mind best friend Having so much more fun hanging out with the guards that are imprisoning us than with me I got to tell you I want to bring you into the fold because I you know about the insane crown passie My my former click that I was hanging with, you know, for a little bit.

I got a new guard click. Yeah, I got some new guard friends. And I think they would love you and use the door. And I feel like we should maybe get to me. All be guards. Maybe who would we be guarding then? Um, I mean, there's other captors besides you too. That's true.

But you got to meet my friends. There's such a self-obsessed prisoner. I'm just like, yeah, this isn't all about you. It's all down, isn't just about me. No, there's other prisoners. Yeah. All this is not just for you. Can you understand that?

Can you grasp that? I mean, look, I'm saying yes. But there's some small part of me that cannot grasp that. But I know, consciously, that I should say, obviously this isn't for me. But if I'm being honest with myself, I feel like it's all for me. Has there been any word of gum? Oh, you said, oh, also, I'm so sorry, my other co-captive and co-host, you said or the wizard. I am you said or, wizard of the twelfth realm of a fecesiest master of light and shadow.

Minipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos. Urgh, champion of the great halls. I guess she's got so weak. The elves know his fying, you know, like the elves know his fying, so they're not. Oh, some guards are walking through and he's stangin'. Those are my friends! I have a no no no, these are my close friends. That's cockroach clown.

And there may be other secret names you do not know yeti. I have to play the part of a weak, tired old man still taking my magic-reducing potion. They must not know that I am here gathering secret intel, preparing to fight back. And none shall ever leave that I become a god under the thumb of the Dark Lord. Oh, that's right! You said or you can't be a guard. Too much exposure! But that was Cockroach clown. He's one of my friends. Cockroach clown.

So he's a giant cockroach. Yeah, with clown makeup on. He's terrifying. So what's that all about? I really don't know. I feel like. That's just the, no explanation. No, I gotta say it's a very effective guarding technique.

It's a very, it's a very, I've been to his like guard house and when I walked on his floorboards, I did not wanna tear them up and look underneath them. Oh, I'm sure. Also with him was, I don't know if you guys have meant, wheel bear? Wheel bear? Yeah, it's a bear, but instead of legs, he has four wheels.

Oh, yeah, you hear him coming though. It's a little squeaky. Oh yeah, yeah. He's got a little brain about him. Here's the thing about cockroach clown. He walks into the like any part of the prison and everyone just stops doing anything because they just start looking at him

and thinking about him. It's a bit of an event. Yeah, he's distracting. Which I think is why he is a guard is because people respect him, you know? What's that like to talk to cockroach clown? Honestly, super unnerving, but he is very funny. Uh-huh. I don't know if he's ever...

Yeah, he's gonna say, I don't know if he's ever told a joke, but you just kind of laugh because you're scared not to, because he'll say something you're like, he has a clown makeup on, so clearly he wants me to laugh. Yeah. But a lot of what he says is like, like his main thing that he usually ends every sentence with is you can't spell manslaughter without laughter,

which I think is funny. I can. But manslaughter without laughter, which I think is funny. Can. But when he says it, do you feel like he thinks that's true? I don't know. Because his eyes are always rolling back in his head and he just shows the whites of his eyes. No. And he usually has like blood dripping out of his mouth. He is. I gotta find out more about him. But I want us all to be friends with him and And Wheel Bear. Don't leave out Wheel Bear. Well, Wheel Bear, yeah. I mean, Wheel Bear seems cool.

Oh, he's the best. I'm into Wheel Bear. Yeah. It's just Cockroach Clown. Yeah. It seems like just avoid him. Why would you want to get to know more about him? Everything about him seems to be a red flag. Well, I think nobody's ever given him a chance, you know? Oh, that's a good point.

You don't judge a Cockroach Clown by its makeup is the old thing. Well, I mean, I judge a't judge a cockroach clown by its makeup is the old thing. Well, I mean, I judge a cockroach clown first by its makeup and then by its cockroachiness. Yeah. Well, whenever I'm shallow, if you see him in your terrified, it's just light of candle and he'll scatter.

Oh, okay, he'll tell you, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Do you get to see GNS so much? GNS, I have not seen you yet, no. When, oh, she must have posted it. I mean, I'll see her at the far side of the bar, but I'm also aware that that's not a penis. It's a rolled up map. Oh, sure.

So I don't want to like, you know, I don't want to blur cover. Sure. But it's fun. I mean, we have to learn certain stuff. We learn a close up combat. Now, close up combat. Well, what is that?

Combat that's up close. What do you think it was. I don't know. Well, are you using knives or fists or some combination of the two? Everybody just kind of picks their own thing, you know. And then we also learn there's specific kind of codes we have to learn where if you're, you know, on guard with another guard and they knock a certain way, there's like a knock language where it's like, if you knock a certain way, we know what that means.

Oh, that's kind of fun. There's some of the secret messages that you send via knocks So if you knock twice that means that the prisoners is trying to escape if you knock three times That means that cockroach clown has eaten that prisoner. Oh, no if you're a knock four times you open the door Do you have to like practice the knocks before you like actually do them like do you want to not knock it until you try it? You do have to knock it before you try it so you do have to you do have to try it out first. Okay now it's on time I must admit I remember it's concerned about you. You seem to be having a lot of fun with your god friends and seem to forget that you're under cover.

Oh yeah I mean well right now it's it a guard knock life, so I'm having a good time. But I know that we still have our book club, right? We have something that you don't connect us. Well, you two have a book club, but then we all three have a book club. What do we do? Well, well, yes, the book club. Yeah, we wanna have a book club,

or we still need listeners to send in suggestions, so we don't know what book to read for our book club. We also need to be listening, send us a book. Yes, mail us whatever book you want us to read. We will read. We're at your mercy. But also Hank, send us suggestions on how to defeat the book club. Yes, we must gather all our forces together. We must rally in this time of darkness and defeat, and we must say,

Yay! It is our duty to defeat the book club book club Mm-hmm the book club. Yes guys, you know as as bleak as it's been being imprisoned by the dark Lord I am happy that the Baron decided to reopen the Vermilion Minotaur and it's not just us in here And like people are coming and going. It's got a little bit more of an energy to it Oh, yes, it's been wonderful to see all the faces, the sun not all of the faces but some of the faces are churning to the cabin. Leak? Fleak spin in a few times.

Eden Daphne is a sweet, lovable Daphne behind the back. We haven't talked about this. Blemish back in charge of the tavern and also also, Daphne, if you unwit mother. You can just call it Daphne. Oh, I, you don't have to add that to, I think you do, I think you do. I think you get pissed if you don't. Oh, yeah, I think she does.

She would get pissed if you don't. You guys need anything. Hey, Daphne, I'm not ordered anything in a while. What can I get for you? I would love, uh, an ale and some rooster's fate. I think what it is in here, and I hate when it's dead. Oh, it's your the sweetest thing. Daphne, what is like the sweet spot for you of like how many people are...

Four. Four. Four and one of them is my son. Oh, how's your son doing? Motherless, as always. Oh. Arnold. It's Arnie.

Okay, sure. I thought I should give you a more formal name seeing as you'll never let me get close to you! That's what I thought too. Thanks. You're not on my good side. Nobody is except for my little son. Oh, I tried.

So just, you said you have four sons? What do you want to order? Just a water? One boy. Just a water, please. I have one boy. I thought you said your sweet spot was four. One son, three customers.

Oh, I'll just take a water. And I'll, all right, Sarni, I'll have, I don't know if you heard me or they want to. You know that, right? What's this? You can have whatever you want for me, just say the word.

No, it's okay. It's all right, Dabby. I'll have, I'll have a water. Just say the word water One water whatever the hell you said just a water please and then what did you say a sweet? Something or other an ale and some rooster feet nothing sweet for me Back in a minute. I love a piece of chocolate cake to Guys, I'm a little worried about Daphne.

Is she overworked? I don't know. I know she used to be mirrored to a crane. To a crane? I think her ex-husband was a crane. And that's gotta be hard because their legs are so brittle and thin. Sure, you know.

I love birds. Well anyway, I've been trying to walk around Hogsface a little bit. That's great you've been trying to walk. That's amazing. Hey, better than that, I have succeeded in walking a little bit. What? I've been trying to lose a little weight, so I've been walking around the prison town of Hogsface. Ever since Sigant was here, and he left that message in his spider web, you've been losing

a ton of weight. Well yeah, also I found out the Dark Lord is trying to plump me up and so I have more life essence for him to steal. Yes, but I left the sign up. I love reading it. Some pig. Some pig. Yeah, it's just motivation, yeah.

Speaking of Sigant, did everybody remember to leave their resonance stones in the mailbox outside the tavern? Yes, I left my name in front. Yeah, we don't want to be spied on by the Dark Lord. I'm not allowed any resonance stones, and I'll be taking them directly to my cell after this recording is over. Oh, that's right. Yes.

And also, we're recording this into microphones right now, so. Yes. Exactly. But I don't think anyone in the Dark Lord's side really bothers to listen to this podcast. I don't think anyone anyway bothers to listen to it. Except for Hank, Hank, thank you so much. Thank you for listening. Stay with us, Hank.

Can we get Hank like a churro something? I feel like we need to reward him for listening. Clint, Clint, hear your drink. Oh, she made this sound a mug mix. That's our new catchphrase. We're trying catchphrases out to get more business. I don't know why I can't keep up with the business we have. Why isn't there more business here?

It's literally people are trapped in the city you would think that they would come into the tavern. It comes and goes and waves. They're scared to leave their homes. Don't you dare say that there's never people in here on Saturday night, round midnight, all the witches and magic doers come in here and they roll like in play.

And me, I don't get any tips. And I'm lacking sleep. Tafni, baby don't know. Baby do know. Baby know a lot more than baby let on. Oh no. If you come by once in a while you'd see that baby is nigh on nine years old. My son. My son. Nigh on.

A full human. Yeah. That he could have gotten some crane and his blood, he could fly away from this owl! She's a delight! She's got Nayan nine problems, but her son isn't one, it seems. That's pretty good. Eh, if I may, uh, take a moment, Jaya. I'd like to send a message directly to Hank.

Sure! Hank, this is you, Sador. Thank you for listening. I would like to apologize Everything that you've heard up until this moment For the last two years. Oh, oh And three months. The last two years and three months. You have been subjected to the worst sorts of nonsense that any human elf dwarf pixie shapeshifter, cold-shaped-shifter, Bajor, Crain, Bajor. Bajor is really a sheepshifter. Horse, horse-lord, oh who may I leave now to cockroach clown, etc. Has Ayr been subjected to? Eh, and I am deeply sorry from

the bottom of my nut, and now I ask you, please start listening to Get Nuts. It's a much better podcast with a lot more fun episodes. Next week, we're going to try some macadamias. Ooh, I can't wait. We are truly gonna be Get Nuts. So tell us about when you were walking around Hogsface. Oh, yeah, I was walking around Hogsface just trying to see some of the town.

You know, this place is bigger than I thought. Yeah, it's more than just a tavern. I know, exactly. Exactly. Well, first of all, I found I saw there was a wake for a crack, crack. That orc that drip fan killed. Oh. Yeah, just a bunch of orcs sort of celebrating his life and his death. That's sad. Yeah. A lot of them killed. Oh. Yeah, just a bunch of O'Arks sort of celebrating his life and his death.

That's sad. Yeah. A lot of them killed each other. Mm-hmm. As his wake, that would be. Yeah, once there's an Orc Wake, he tends to be like a domino effect, where for the next five years, he'll just be Orc Wakes, because so many orcs kill each other at Wakes. It sort of seems like we only need to kill a small number of orcs, and just over time,

they'll all kill themselves. Yeah? That's what I've been saying all along. Just kill some orcs. Get up in the morning, go kill some orcs, do something useful, don't go to the bar. Do that after. But also while I was walking back I saw you know how the Dark Lord is trying to study the podcast to figure out how... So we do have another listener, the what? The Dark Lord? Oh, I hope not.

Oh, talk about our plans. Oh, and got you. I thought you said he studies the podcast. You just mean the way we recorded? Well, he's trying to figure out how it gets sent to Earth. So he's been using his witches and magicians to like study it, but... They're just outside the d... Witches and magicians.

Witches and magicians. That's fun to say. Oh, that's not like a common nursery rhyme song here and baby would know Baby would know. Yeah, so what are these witches and magicians doing? Well, I think they're just trying to see where the podcast goes when I upload it So they're just kind of outside the tavern like throwing dirt in the air Hoping to see something for that work. I don't think so so. I mean I'm not an expert on how Wi-Fi works.

What a relief. I was concerned that they would throw some dirt on it and hit the podcast midair. Maybe you should be concerned about my front stoop. They're throwing dirt. Nobody wants to come in because the welcome sign is obscured by their dirt. It's true there's a lot of dirt on the top.

I'm right there! Yeah, just so you know when I walked in, the welcome sign, the WELs, covered in dirt, and just had to come. Oh, why don't you leave a review in the Wi-Fi? I'll get to it. Leave as many sparkling hearts as you want to. This tavern stands tall. Get a whore out there! What a delight.

I do have a question about the witches and magicians. Like, what's the difference between a magician and a wizard? Ugh, I've been over this many, many times. Wizards are created, I, such as I was. From the air and the wind and the earth, and a conspiracy of birds, and fire and mud, and the very elements of the earth. Ah, yeah, all those elements did come together.

And they did just... You add elements every once in a while. Yeah! And they all decided that he didn't need a champion to strike forth against this dark lord, and I did stepfully formed into this world. Wizards are born. Other magic doers. That's a learned magic. They're born as an elf or a human or a

cobalt. And then they learn the tricks of magic, but they're not truly as magical as a wizard. Don't ever think of a second. Don't you think for a second that they're half as magical as me? Can I tell you the other day at the Gard Rock Cafe, we had a magician come in. And he is just like the Dark Lord, you know, he got paid to come in and do just like this gig for a fix. And there's a lot of tricks and he would, you know,

he brought me up on stage, like, can I get a volunteer and they're like, John, you do it because they all like me so much. And so I got up on stage and he had all the guards light up and he said, pick a guard in the guard. So I picked the guard and he kind of had them shuffle around a little bit and then he pointed into one of the guards and goes, is this your guard?

And it was. I don't know how I did it, but it was amazing. I just love Gartrix. Did he see you selecting the guard? Oh, I did point. Yeah, I did point. But then he also was the same guard or just looked like the same guard.

I don't know. It might have been one of the... Well, if it's Cockroach clown, I mean... It might have been one of the Moonboy triplets. Moonboy triplets. Yeah, there's three guards, there are the Moonboy triplets. What is Moonboy's at their name? What's their last name?

No, I think. Are they human? They're Moonboys. And then also the magician later on made the Statue of freedom disappear. What's the statue of freedom? There's a statue of freedom that's in the center of a hog's face. Ironic that it's gone now.

Well the magician made it disappear. It's pretty cool. Wow. It would have been more impressive if they brought it back. Oh yeah. Yeah, maybe they just, there was a giant curtain put up and when it got torn down it was gone. Maybe that wasn't even the magician, maybe that was just construction. I don't know. Sad. Let's take a break.

We're gonna take a break, Hank. Don't go anywhere. And we're gonna have some great stuff to share with you right after this. I feel like I'm a little worried about Daphne. Should we just... Should we ask Daphne to sit with us at the table and just talk to her a little bit? I'm going on break, I'll be outside! I did it, Daphne!

What do you want more food to shove into your filthy gullet? All we want is to spend some time with you. If you'd care to join us at the table perhaps you could have a drink or something deep for yourself. Oh yeah, if I start drinking it's gonna be a real problem for everybody. Oh, well let's not do that. I have your water, Arn. Okay, that's Arnie. Oh, should I just call you Arn't?

Because it's Arnie. Oh, you know what I mean? Yeah, noise. Definitely. I feel alone for so long. I know how that is, but you know I have a wife in another world. I have a wife in another world Do you know how many people say that here? Yeah, don't really is that like a common excuse? It's kind of a thing where it's like if you're not dating someone

But you want people to think you're dating someone you're like I have a girlfriend in another world I have a wife at camp. You'll never meet her. They say to me now, Daphne. Why How old is that wife? Why do you feel? Why you feel so much you seem like you feel your emotions very deeply yes banded by everyone Oh, I had a father I had a mother and they left me in a ditch I found them multiple times they raised me all the way to I was 18 But oh they would never stop trying to leave me can I just give you a little tip and I don't mean to be rude or condescending next time you tell that story Just say my parents abandoned me because you said I have a mother. I had a father. We all have that Not necessarily

Roast maesters the wonderful club for learning to tell succinct stories. I wasn't allowed in. The first night they let me out there and I said, I had a mother, I had a father and they said, you get out of here. They said, there's no fixing you. Those masters do have some very good advice. Oh yeah. Now, why do you feel so pulled to Arnie? Why do you think he will be your salvation? I don't think he's anyone's salvation. I think he's my salvation.

Oh, well you seem to be, maybe he'll be some Savipar. If I were to have salvation, it would come around the winter time in the cold months in the form of three spirits. Three spirits? Tell us more of these three spirits. They abandoned me multiple times. Oh, no. They come in the night and they say,

you need to go visit your past and I go take me and then they go, you know what a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man,

I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man,

I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not a man, I'm not them stronger. I wish I were stronger. I'd clap my hands every day. Instead I go home and I wipe my feet and I lay in the bed every night and I weep into my pillow until it's too wet to fall asleep on. Can I ask when you wipe your feet? Is that front to back? Back to front? Figure eight side. Side to side. Side to side. They can't be

good for your knees. Now, after I am 300-year-old, was it not so interested in a relationship myself as I'm dating someone in the hospital? I'm not interested in you! I didn't think you were- I dare you! I did not say that. But I think you are very attractive young lady. Unbelievable! And I believe that if you wanted to have any man that you desired, you could, but yet you put your all your energy towards Arnold.

It seems like a waste of your time. It looks like that doesn't it? Yes it does look like that. Oh yeah when I'm outside of here I'm putting my energy at all sorts of soup balls. Oh really? Let's let's dish on these soup balls. What do you want to know? Yeah that's good you go in.

Oh aren't you. What so where? Why can't one of these soup holes that you're interested in? Oh? A tree a tree a tree Neat clicks north of the wild worst. Oh, it's a terrible part of the forest There's one tree with a hollow wall in the middle And I go and I put my hand and I say I know I get it my son begs me to come home But I won't take my fist out of the tree hole now this I'm starting to see the pattern here You've picked the one tree that it has a hole in the middle that can't give you what you need

So this is partly a you problem. Don't don't clap. I run it Yes, why do I pay nine gold pieces a week to talk to a little mouse who never seems to give me any helpful advice? Shit, since she clapped, there's a spirit flying around the room. What the hell is going on here? Good, they're gone. I guess I did my job today. You've been talking to Momo? Momo, my little therapist, Mouth! Oh, she's making some more money!

She's great! She's very talented. Now, perhaps you could just find someone who's a little more stable than this empty tree or... So he answered the questions and problems of the extensive existence of all humanity with a little folding of the hands and a raising of our wizards roses. Oh, I didn't say anything like that.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Oh, I do is try to help the people of this world. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, there's someone I think you should talk to. It's our friend Mundle. Mundle is a grumble, he makes, he a mute, but he makes all the music for the show

Yeah, he plays the theme song. He's got a vibros lap. Oh, I love those It's aren't it's aren't I don't I think maybe you should just go on a good day without No, what you that's gonna, this is not gonna progress in a positive direction. I make a proposition. Yes. Or you all start whispering and then I'll let you talk

amongst yourself. Then I'm the share. Take my white palette hand and we'll walk down to the creek at night and we'll bathe ourselves and then we'll wrap up in a giant leaf you and I together and we'll say, it is only we who can survive this night, we we we!

And then you can send me home, and I won't speak to you for a fortnight. So it would be we we we, and then you'd get sent home? I'd probably be crying all the way home! Guys, guys, sounds like a pretty good deal, I don't know. Guys, I've got a new theory about Daphne. Uh-huh. I think she's dead.

What? I think Daphne is. She does have a white-palored hand. I mean, that is. Daphne, I don't even think she's a ghost or anything like that. I think she died and just doesn't know it. Like, she.

Daphne, the unliving mother. James, you tell her. Somebody should tell her a daffney Daphne your dad Excuse me. We think you might be dead. I was dead the other night I laughed so hard at a joke from cockroach clown You said you can't spell man slaughter without laughter and boy howdy did I? That's that's his go-to joke. Yeah, I said he ends every sentence with it every sentence

Let's not have Kim on the block. Hey, Daphne you know Daphne we all know that. I think she did She did We've ordered lots of we ordered we we still haven't gotten 20 minutes ago Yeah, to clean the bar. Why any wipe, everything's fine. Clean to clean, numpty dump dump dump. I hate these new, really, minute-to-our-sings. I know. They're just the sounds that objects would make. Yeah, also these neat, nasty wipes they got,

they just say off to clean the bar, wipe any wipe, clean, clean, clean. I have nobody knows. I like numpty dump, dump, dump, though. I know. I thought that was on the toilet paper. Well, let's go ahead and do a instead of an email, I'm gonna read one of our Bing and Bud submissions. Oh, we got people

sending us. We got, I mean, I don't know, I guess Hank is our one listener, but we got a lot of Bing and Bud stories. Oh, right. So many. Should we explain what this is again? Bing and Buds is a new segment introduced five episodes ago around there, which is we have listeners right in and take us on us or what you call fanfic, Arnie, on earth, you said it's called fanfic. Yeah, you solicited some food fiction. Yeah, I asked for some food fiction. So here's the first one, this is their, there's no name here.

But it's worth, it's also worth repeating. The rules are that they can be erotic, but there should be no actual sex, or asthma. So here we go. The gang is at the tavern, which is lit by romantic candlelight. Arnie, hello everyone and welcome to Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Ma-oops, the microphone falls essentially to the floor, where it lands on a badger foot,

chunt. Ow. So far so good. Arnie looks deep into chun's large, a badger foot. Chunt. Ow. So far so good. Arnie looks deep into Chunt's large, beautiful badger eyes. A tear wells up centrally. Arnie. Chunt. I'm so sorry. Chunt. It's okay. Accidents happen. The end.

That was a pretty good bang and buds. My favorite part of that was I wasn't in it. Could've used the word centrally a few more times. That mic dropped centrally. I need to see that. I'll do one more. Could've used the word essentially a few more times. That mic dropped essentially, I didn't see that. I'll do one more, this is from John Deutlough. This is called, we've opened a bud, we can't bang, which is a combination of what I said to put in, if you send a bang and bud story,

go ahead and send that to chonachime.com, that's chon with 60s, and either write bang and buds, or we've opened a box we can't close. And do not send them to Magic Tavern at puppies that supplies, which is a real email address, unless you're sending in Banging Buds. And don't tweet them at you, so don't the blue. And don't whisper them to a sparrow at midnight under a leg of a tree. So this Banging Buds is a limbic, and it goes,

Arnie was lonely in bed. I need a new woman, he said. He heated off with Momo, but she's too small, it's a no-go. To our surprise, she crushed Arnie was lonely in bed. I need a new woman, he said. He hid it off with Momo, but she's too small It's a no-go to our surprise. She crushed Arnie instead. Hmm. Oh, that was banging beds. That's a good one. Buds night. Buds night. I tried that much but I thought Buds night. Yeah, I thought we would get Dozens of just filthy gross sexual stories, but apparently some of those too. Oh, yeah, you don't mean to read one of those Those are for your private time.

Arnie Chant used to or went onto a picnic. On to a picnic? Went onto a picnic. Arnie swept his butt. Well if you're into that, Arnie swept his unkempt hair into one side. He took a deep breath and said to himself, this is it. Chant whipped out his throbbing heart.

Okay, all right. Sandwich, it was probably sandwich. Probably a sandwich. Oh, yes. Something rises, sandwich throbbing heart. Okay, alright. Sandwich. It was probably sandwich. Probably a sandwich, yeah. No, really, yes. Something wisest, sandwich throbbing. And you know what? I have some emails they are not there because of the animals inside.

Animal sandwich. I've got some emails that are not bang and related. Here's one. Hey, Arnie, Chun, and you said, or Chun's up. My name is Gavin, and notice that a few Gavinavons were mentioned in some of the earlier episodes. My favorite of course is Gavin Dildohammer, the infamous Dorvish Bodler, who is rumored to run off to me, Goss, with his mistress. That's right!

We haven't talked about Gavin Dildohammer in… Nigh on… a long time. I was wondering if any of you have heard anything about good old Dildohammer since that rumor about him was in circulation I am curious how he is fearing in these dark times. I'm sure his Dildohammer could have been useful in the fight against the Dark Lord Hoping things turn around for the better Gavin from Chicago. I feel like that was worse than my big and bud's toys Well in terms of content I haven't heard much of anything out of the town's been taken over. It's hard to get information from outside of the town

So I'm sorry. I don't have an update on good old Gavin. Yeah, well keep our eyes open for Gavin Dildo hammer Also you guys keep your eyes open for Talbot. I haven't seen Talbot. Yeah, we haven't seen so many people from before Haven't seen pizza skull. No. Oh, I've seen pizza skull. Yeah He comes by my say. He's the only one who visits me in my cell Oh wait people can visit yourself. Yes. Oh, you didn't know that people can visit yourself I have visitors all the time. I still even though I'm a guard. I stay in the cells You're still in a cell. I just got used to it. It's comfy. It's on you ever Do you like the way the shifts work out? Do you ever end up just having to guard yourself my shapeshifts?

Like your guard shifts. Oh my guard shifts. Yes From from dust till dawn. I do have to guard myself. Oh, and then it's a vampire Well, let me do one more quick email Here's one to that I got to magic tavern of puppies that supplies I'm sorry to hear you guys were imprisoned by the dark lord right before use the worst quest got off the ground I do have spent time locked up over some trumped up bullshit So I have some pointers that might help you keep your sanity and pass the time. Number one, let's see, this person knows we like to count.

Number one, do some squats. This is a good exercise for overall body strength and you can even do it in a cell that is too small for you to lay down in. You know what, thank you, I am going to start doing some squats. Two, you can- How is a cell so small you can't lay down in it You can't sell so small you can't lay down in it my cell is so small I can only lay down and it makes no sense You can't lay down. Well, it's it's so

It's not wide enough to lie down in it number two the cell was wide enough for both Arnie and I Wait, it's a bangin' buns Number two you can brew red potion in a toilet. If you have fruit punch, a crust of bread, a plastic bag, and a straw, I'm gonna write this down. You can brew red potion in a toilet. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, prison is just Hollywood lies, never give up, you'll get through this, and then you'll get to take the dark lord down a peg just like I did to those fat cats in the PTA. They know about the woods of Holly?

Yeah, is there an equivalent of the PTA here in Finn? I'm not sure what the PTA stands for. I think it's a parent teacher association on Earth. Oh, well, there's the TPA. What's the TPA? The teacher-apparent association. Uh, what a fantastical world I found myself in. There's also the sex move that's PTA.

I'm sure you can sus that one out. PISTAS! Oh, well, uh. PISTAS. Yeah, it, ah! PISTAS! Yeah, it's when she go from pissing to... How does she hear that? She hears what she wants to hear. It's true.

I think that's true. And she wanted to hear PTA. Yeah, a PTA meeting is very messy. Yeah. Can I also put in another addendum if you're sending it in a bangin' bud? No PTA. No PTA? No PTA? Just one PTA. Just one PTA.

Neither kind of. Give us a PTA. Okay, you can have one PTA. One PTA. But two PTAs in your out. Well, I think that in real life, that's two PTAs and you better go see a doctor. Well, I'm gonna go back to my cell willingly. Hank, if you're still listening.

Hank, what is wrong with you? Yes, go back to your cell willingly. Some of us carry our prisons wherever we go. Anyway, that wasn't real. Every fascinating otherworldly character was played by a human actor. Used all the wizard was played by, oh, let's call him Matt Young. And if you're a Chicago casting director, you'll know how ironic that name has become. Shunt, the shapeshifting badger was played by,

let's pull some scrabble tiles from the blender. Adol Rafaai. Well, that's unusable, but we don't have time to do it again. Daphne the Unwed Mother was played by special guest Sarah Shockey. Check out Sarah's podcast, Marty and Sarah Love Wrestling, and find Sarah's techniques for vocal rest after you've been scream talking for 35 minutes, at websites where advice of that nature is offered. Just got another batch of emails in, we should probably filter them as usual before setting

them on to Arnie, right? Apparently there's even an email from me, because Lord knows that's easier than, oh I don't know, generating content, subject to the entity. Entity, what am I made of crystal? Note, if Craig is the only one there don't read this Craig. Don't worry, Craig only reads things that feature the word Craig every three lines. Dear mysterious being, guilty as charged. Hello from the Philippines.

Since you seem very powerful. Uh, yeah. I wondered if you could destroy the dark lord in his tracks in all his forms across all dimensions. With curiosity, Aldrian are a vulp. Well, we know what happened to the other Scrabble tiles after I spelled Adolf Refy. Aldrian hears the thing with the dark lord in his plans. I've heard this song before.

They never get that far. There's always some kind of reckoning and then balance his restored. The bunker guardians have gotten involved in the past, and mostly it just means a lot of billable overtime. Of course, if things truly got out of hand, I have been known to assume a non-threatening form and enter the multiverse. But I mean, it would have to be sweep-sweak. Thanks for your email, Aldrian, but look at me hogging all this airtime without giving

Craig a chance to recite the information that hardly ever changes. Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie Neacamp, Evan Jacober, and Ryan D. Georgie, this one edited by Chris Rathchin, Music by Andy Poland, Logo by Allard LeBon, Additional Audio Effects by Jason Knox, Production Assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at hellofromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter, thanks to the Chicago Podcast Co-op and Earwolf.

If you're looking for cool Magic Tavern stuff to buy and of course you are, Earwolf's store is now on Pod Swag. So if you go to podswag.com, you can buy some magic tavern shirts, you can get an I don't want to talk about Earth stuff, Shard, and most importantly, an all new set of magic tavern magnets. These are actually really cool. You get magnets of use it or in shunt and arny, you can dress them up, give a chant like a little stick arm, make use it or hold a plate of croissants, you can even dress arny up in the I'm questing for the lunar sword shirt. I can't really do it just by just

explaining it, you gotta go see it. You have to at least go look at them on podswag.com. Trust me, you won't be disappointed. And of course, if you do buy something, it helps support the podcast. Not that I care because the podcast is not real, but you know, money's money.