Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 14 - Elf Help

Episode Date: June 19, 2017

DQ the elf is back and he has word of a resistance force growing strength in the forest.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungD’athaniel Quen’yarvin (aka "DQ"): Tim RyderCaball'on Valentin: John SabineMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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things. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Darni Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, it's okay. I will now tell you all the things you need to know. About two years and maybe four months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Unfortunately, that land is being conquered by the Dark Lord,

who has imprisoned me and my co-hosts are forcing us to do this podcast every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, and the prison town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon. And I'm joined, as always, by my buddy, by my co-host and co-captive, Yusador. I am Yusador, Wizard of the Twelfth realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great Holes the Turakus! The Elzonomi is fying Eleg, the dwarves nobby is soon in in who exchanges, and I am known in the North East as Gassm may star, and oh friends there may be others secret

names that I dare not speak for if I were to utter them aloud the very walls of this tavern would shake to the ground. I the very ground beneath thine feet would crack wide open. I lava and hate and fire and brimstone would bubble up in golf all nearby and all that would be left Would be a flat piece of land where there was once a town and no one would remember you ever existed We should do that one. No, it's not how we'll escape. That's how we can escape No one would even remember hogs face existed. It would be entirely wiped from history That's including us powerful my name is so that's not how we're gonna No one would even remember Hogsface existed. It would be entirely wiped from history.

That's how powerful my name is. So that's not how we're gonna escape this. No, we shouldn't do that. We shouldn't do that. No. Seems like a cop out. We will, does it? I don't want to be erased from history,

and neither do you, I assume. You said, or I've noticed all of your secret names are too powerful to ever actually do, or do anything. That's why they remain secret to this day. Yeah, that's fair. All right, well I'm also joined by my other co-host and co-captive, Chunt the Badger Guard.

Yeah, how's it going? Shape shifter, but that's fine. Yeah, yeah. Guys, big news. Oh! I got some tattoos. What? Across my knuckles I got lava and hate.

No, no. got lava and hate. No. No. Lava and hate? All the guards got it. So I just thought to follow suit. Wow. Chant, I know I've brought this up before, but are you becoming an actual guard like a minion of the dark little?

Yeah, don't forget your undercover with the guards. Don't become a guard. But I am a guard. Wait, let me take off my bra. Let me take off my best friend's hat. Yeah, I'm a guard. I still have the guard hat. Yes, you are a guard, but I am a guard. Wait, let me take off my bra. Let me take off my best friend's hat Yeah, I'm a guard steal. I still have the guard has yes, you are a god, but you you are working for Us Intrigued their ranks yes, and that that makes sense because just the other day big news

I contacted someone to help us I sent word from outside of hogs face you need to try and get help Oh, what a friend of mine. He is King of the Cats, he's a Sith Cat. His name's Afghani, he's one of the Maulkin, which are the great cats of Fum. So I sent word to Afghani to maybe have the great cats help us out. Mm, oh that's good news indeed.

Yeah, have you heard anything back yet? Nothing yet, we actually ended on bad terms, but I'm hoping he's big enough to put that aside. Yeah. Because he is a giant cat, so we'll hope that that all works out. Oh. Have you heard of the malkin? I have not heard of the malkin.

They're just magical giant cats. Oh wow. Well, I hope they come and save us. I'm hoping that too. I'm hoping that also. But no, but seriously though, I know we're saying it, but I'm hoping they come and save us. No, no, no. I want them to come here to Hogsface and save us all and you guys guys am I not being clear that I want them to come and save us guys

I'm a guard. I sent word so they'll come save us. Does that make sense? Yes. Yes. I'm not getting through I want them to save us wait guys no shut up for a second look I can do this. Yes. I want the cats to come and I want the cats to save us. Guys, I want the cats to save us, not the guards to save us. Are we? The guards aren't going to save us. No, the guards, I want the cats to save us from the guards. Guys, I think we're just going to all have to agree to disagree on this one. Fine, fine.

But you know what, I'm a little more excited about. You know who else might save us? There's some resistance forces in Hogsface working to try to overthrow the Dark Lord. Yes, we already spoke with Giannis and she revealed to us that she is putting together a group of resistance fighters and you had more contact with the resistance. Yes, well, I found out that an old friend of ours is part of the resistance in Hawks' face. Pimbley Nimbabattle. No, I don't know if Pimbley Nimbabattle is even alive.

Probably not. Probably not. Yeah, he's got it pretty bad. I'm not sure if I care. I mean, he was practically dead. I don't mean that he was sound like a bad chick. Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah.

Who did you, who did you, who did you speak to then? For this person, we must get a message them for they could help us defeat the book club Exactly. Well guys everybody close your eyes and listen and see if you recognize this voice Arnie, no, no, I should have been more clear Everybody close your eyes and don't talk and see if you recognize this voice. Make it a whoopee. I hope that the cats come and save us.

Can we agree that the cats, we want that? That's what I want, but what do you want? I want the cats to come save us. That's why I wrote to my friend, the Sith Cat. Ah, I see. So everybody, keep your eyes closed and listen and we can talk? No, do not talk. Don't talk.

That's chun't. We were already talking here. Yes. If you recognize this voice. Greetings from the forest. Can we talk? DQ! DQ! It's D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D I'm so sorry. But, uh, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the is the human's butchering of my name. I'm so sorry. But DQ, and yet you continue to try. I keep trying. It's almost admirable. It's my defining constant dedication to failure. Mm-hmm. I believe he does mean it as a form of respect to the Thani El Quenyaarvin,

but forgive him for his close. There's no way Yus way you said that right. De Thaniyadal, Quenyaarvan. Fy'angelic pronounces it beautifully. Why was everyone's eyes closed when I sat down? That's what Arnie told us to do, and then he said guess, but then he said don't talk. So I had a guess, but you didn't.

So for new listeners, DQ is an elf of Hogsface with a great voice, which I'm sure everybody has noticed just from listening. Thank you human. And very strong legs. Yes I am excellent at kicking not so much good with lifting or anything involving upper body but my legs are very powerful. And up until the dark lords occupation I use those legs to kick custom furniture.

Unfortunately, with the dark lord's rise, Elf on the shelf furniture has been shut down. Oh, no. That's terrible. They shelved Elf on a shelf. They put Elf on a shelf up on a shelf, and then they burned the shelves down. Oh, so I'm so sorry to hear that. That is terrible. Thank you.

And everything you make is so flammable to start with. Yeah. Although, it's all wood and it's very dry and it's very old and I kick holes in it and I kick dense in it and so the fire just catches and spreads so much air. Yeah. It went up so quickly. Well, surely you have other skill sets. I mean, is there any hiring for like kick- like kick jobs or anything? Oh, I have tried. I have sent my kick resume out

to several places. And when I say good resume, it's more of me just walking around kicking things. This speaks for itself. This is what I can do. Yeah, watch it. Are you interested in this? Yeah. And more so, it's people yelling at me for kicking down signs and kicking their animals. So the job prospects have not been great and yet as the human says I have found other ways to occupy my time. Oh, yes, he said that you've actually joined the resist. Oh, here we go. Here's the kicker. Yes indeed Quiet by voices friends. Should we close our eyes too? Yes close your eyes. I'm human. Quiet your voice completely. Into silence. I forgot we could do that.

There is a resistance growing my friends. A resistance growing here in Hogsface. And it comes from the forest. And it comes from the very things that I have sworn were my enemies and yet Occupation makes for strange bed pillows and so they come from the trees themselves You can open your eyes And you can talk wow Amazing already wake up what What I miss what did I miss?

Can you just recap what you just said? The human falls asleep if he cannot speak for more than a second. It is a problem. I believe that there is some element of him verbally exposing himself that does keep him somewhat active and awake. I'm sorry. I've been more tired lately. I've been walking around town a little bit. Oh. It's exhausting.

Oh, heaven, such exertion. Simon, let me catch you up. There's a resistance. It comes from the trees. It is a tree's resistance. A tree's resistance? Yes. Also, if you didn't pick up on that before,

that was elf irony. Yeah, especially ironic, considering that like trees, aren't they like your sworn enemy? Yes, in the past, I swore revenge on the tree that took away my father. Well, although probably I didn't. I got clarification on that and it wasn't exactly how that went down

but old hatreds are hard to shake. And yet now in these desperate times, I found that I have shaken myself completely. And indeed I have shaken a very tree and watched the leaves fall off that tree. And in between the spaces in the leaves I have found myself occupying those tiny spaces, going invisible to the dark-loose agents

and just really kicking a bunch of things. Wow! Hashtag tree-sistance. Hashtag tree-sistance. I don't know what that means, but it sounds great. If you are listening right now and you have access to any kind of social media, immediately hashtag tree-sistance. Everyone will just know what it means. listening right now and you have access to any kind of social media immediately

hashtag tree assistance. Everyone will just know what it means. Exactly. Don't add a link or explanation. No context, just exact. Exact tree assistance. Yes. And the movement grows. Wow. So you've been hiding out in the trees and kicking things? Indeed. I try not to kick the very trees for they are the things that are providing me respite, and yet sometimes I cannot resist. Sure. And I just, oh, I give them a good walloping. Just with the shin right into the trunk.

Oh, right in the trunk. Right out. Getting kicked in the trunk is the worst. Yeah. But it feels so good if you're the one kicking. Wait, you're kicking with your shin and not with your foot. That's dangerous. Yes.

Well, you see, the foot is the fragile bit. Oh. It could just snap off or bend backwards. But a shin, I have tested it over many years of kicking and it has become strong. And also, I cannot feel the front of them anymore. Well, you know more about this, ensure a professional kicker.

That's true, yeah. Don't get a shinjury. Yes. I know it's a very specific skill in professional kickers, you know, I know you don't work that much. You have to take care of yourself, so just be careful and don't hurt yourself. Well, you respect the boundaries of kicking the season. Of course, of course I respect it. Quentin Yarven. Oh, before your shop closed, I bought a chair from you, so I have an original Quennyarven. Oh, really?

Chair, still in my abode, which... An original Quennyarven? Still in my abode, if they haven't burned that to the ground, which they might not have, because it's on the top of the hill outside of town. And I think the Viennjelek for purchasing that chair, do you sit in it? Well, I don't know, because they keep me in a cell here

The cell is too small for me to stand up in and so you sit not on a chair Right, it's more like a it's sort of like they pull out a sheet and I lay down on it and they just sort of push me inside It's like a baking sheet and oven. It's like a drawer. Jor that's a better. Yeah, it's like a drawer. I'm sorry No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, standing and lying down in any position you wish your body to be in. Oh, it's something for it. Wonderful. Thank you very much. I would very much look forward to that day when all the men in women and children of food are free and can look up toward the sky and see the very sun and the sky beating down upon them and know that they are free from the influence of that evil dark Lord. Oh, how I do wish the light to piss his Doc Cloud and set it free. As do I. And yet the thing with the resistance is that it is small. And we don't really know what our goals are. I mean, we know what our large objective is.

Yeah. It's, you have to break that down into smaller, accomplishable goals. Sure. And that's a little fuzzy for us right now. So it's mostly a lot of me running around and kicking, and then sort of nebulous planning. You know, you should try a sprint, where you just set some short-term goals for that week,

and then you do a sprint that week of trying to like get those things accomplished. And that will help you with your larger goals along the way. Oh, okay. We'll not take advice on sprinting from someone who brags of walking. Fair. Totally fair. Who are some of the other people in the Resistance? Like, do we know other people that are also helping to defeat the Dark Lord? I worry to speak their names aloud for the Dark Lord's agents around us at all points,

and yet there is one that you know very well. In fact, he has been placed outside this very tavern this whole time. This whole time? Yes. Fleek? The weird guy who sells his teeth? He was with us for like a day. And it didn't now work out.

No, I wouldn't imagine that it would he wouldn't be helpful now No, very little in terms of actionable attributes. You buy some teeth though. He has nice teeth I bought a couple please look at a person you're like, hey flea go help the dark alert because he's probably gonna be counter effective Indeed no in this resistance. I have been partnered with someone. Yes, in the ultimate of, as you say, Elf irony, partnered with someone that I swore I would never work with and in fact vowed to hate. Let's close our eyes, not talking, trying to guess.

Okay. All right, yeah. Okay. Jess. Clacks. Is it time for me to talk? Yes, friend. Speak your piece.

I shall, brother. I will speak and walk with you into the fires of the hottest fire. You can open, as me. The human cannot pronounce any name. Ah, yes. Humans have tough talking, but good walking. We said tree so many times, I guess I should have guessed it was gonna be you. Has my friend DQ you told you all about the tree's distance?

A little bit. Yes, exactly. Has that tree's distance? Are you too treasist? I would like to treasist. Yeah. We have once been enemies, but now we are from the same vine, are we not? Yes, indeed. There are times when I will climb up into trees branches and he will walk the forest.

And I will scout looking for agents of the dark, Lord. It's really comfortable up there. And sometimes we talk about our dreams, or our childhood for the like. That's true. What are some of those conversations like when you're just talking about our dreams, or our childhood for like, that's true. What are some of those conversations like when you're just talking about your dreams and your childhood? Well, we both are bonded with heartbreak. Yes. Do you know this?

Do you know what it's like when your heart breaks? I mean, I have lava and hate to do that with my nutmeg. No, lava. Is it liquid or solid? I think it's... Is it gas? It's not gas. I would know if it's gas. I think it's gas. It's not gas. I would know if it's gas.

I think it's still liquid. Then it hardens into solid, which is the worst of the states of matter. As our hearts have hardened against the dark Lord. And from the pain of the past, we bond ourselves when the dark Lord takes what you love the most, you find brotherhood and the person you most likely would never find it likely. Now you mentioned you don't have specific roles, so you're spending a lot of time kicking to Thadil and Cabaret. What is your day to day like if you're not exactly sure what's the

tree's distance is all about? We spend a lot of time together me and DQU and then when he sleeps I look for the dark Lord for revenge. You're just looking for him? Well, or people who know him or like clues? Oh yes I love clues. Yes, but I have not found any, but I have not found any But I look for people who might want to join the Resistance and I think I have found family on this day Have we not oh yes indeed we give each other fun nicknames. Yeah, yes We water four of the nicknames DQU is one what stands for the Daniel Quenervin United Yeah, oh, I like that. We are united in our cause against the dark Lord DQU is one, it stands for the Daniel Quenervin United. Oh, I like that.

We are united in our cause against the Dark Lord. I thought maybe it was just because Q is always followed by you. Yes, that's how it started at first, because anytime there's Q, there has to be a U, which is crazy. And then he was united for our front against the Dark Lord. One, sometimes I just call him branches. Two, yes, two. That's playful. I call him former enemy. Three. Three. This is a little passive, frankly. I think it's just aggressive. We must always remember the past so we can know what brought us to this place. If you do not forget the past then you no longer get a present. And now you can just laugh about it. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! The legendary Roots Crew, for us. And I call him the Arrow Man. Five.

That one is actually a little passive aggressive tree because you know, I know, you know, I'm not great with the bow and arrow. But I do not great with the bow and arrow but I do I talked about this but every time you're down I give you your chocolate arrows and you feel good again Do you have you ever kicked tree? Yes Yes, sometimes as he ever do I don't know do mountains get cold. I don't know. I don't know I think most doing less according if it's in the south. Yes mountains do get cold Sometimes I kick three. Yes, mountains do get cold.

Sometimes I kick three. When he allows it, I always ask for permission. Yes, I always consent to kicking and then I love it. And you kick them with your shins. Mm-hmm, like with the shins. You ride on the trunk. Woo! Both of our limbs are strengthened by the other's punishment.

There was one time that I kicked him with my roots, and it hurt him in a way that I felt guilty about for weeks. And honestly, I'm still kind of living with it. We're working on a relationship day by day. Yes. Guys, I gotta say, I was very excited to learn that there's some resistance forces in Hogsface, or maybe gonna help us get any more idea of how to defeat the Dark Lord, but it just seems like you guys have just been out in the fourth plane slamp ass with each other.

Sometimes goals are relationship first. That's right. And we need to work on those first before we can work as a unit. Oh, there was one time we captured a guard. Yes, he was a scout, scouting in the forest, and we captured him, and we interrogated him. Yes, we said, what is your name? He didn't respond for a while.

So we had to do the old interrogation routine. Yes, we did the old Elf Cup, Tricop. Yes, and I was the class. And I was the Tricop. Oh, my God. Oh, you went that way with us. Yes. And I said, oh, you think I'm bad, but where do you say

Dikou you? He has, his dad is gone. And then I came in and I said, would you like some water to drink? Play it real nice like he said. Like he thought I was gonna be bad, but oh nice, so now he's off guard. And then I kick him in the face, just.

And then I said, I wish I could stop him, but I can't. And then I turned away. And then I heard screams. And he still won't tell me what happened. He probably kicked him with his shins. That's pretty much it. Yeah.

Oh, inverted world, that is terrifying. Yes, that reminds me. Whenever you're about to kick someone with your shins, do you first say, listen to this. And then you kick them and they're blown away. It changes their life. Yes, wonderful. We ever slid down a shoot too narrow? No.

Guys, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back. We were slid down a shoot to narrow no Guys let's take a quick break and we'll be right back Guys I grabbed us some some hot bread for the table so now we're back here with DQ Hot eats and a cool tree. Oh, yes indeed my shape shifting friend. Oh everyday the resistance grows. Is that chont? That's yeah that's chont. Let me take off my guard hat so you just see the crown. Yes. How are you being good? We've been talking for a while. I didn't know it was you because you were different form like it was winter time. Oh yeah. Oh that's right. Yes

that's right. Yeah what was I then? You were slightly different looking badger. That's right. Just I apologize. The uniform and that that dude is making yes that's right. Yeah, what was I then? You were slightly different looking badger. That's right. I apologize. The uniform and that that dude make you a different person. I'm a little hardened. No, I know. I know how that is.

But I'm still the same person. And let me ask you guys, what do you say to people that say that tree's distance is futile? We say maybe now, but hopefully not in the future. With every new tree that joins joins with every new leg that grows the tree's distance grows stronger and we'll figure out what we have to do just they said the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago the second best time is like now oh I don't know what the third time is probably a future. Yeah, probably like in a week. Yeah, I have a question for you. Yeah, of course

Why do you not leave this place? Oh? Well, you see I am also part of my own resistance and I here have been given a magic reducing potion that cut off my powers I was able to find access to them again by accessing the very shadows within the drawer where I kept. I, and then I became a powerful wizard again, but I still played the part for feeble old man so that I can hear the God speak and gather wisdom and information. And soon I shall have enough intelligence that I shall be able to strike out Fan defeat the dark Lord and join your resistance and a lot of that listening happens while you're in your drawer Yeah, just sort of like whatever's walking by him like

But you could leave if you wanted. Oh, yes, what what you could leave if you wanted. Oh, yeah You could absolutely can you dance if you want to would you leave your friends behind? Yes? I would wait. I don't think you're us behind. This does not sound safe. We cannot leave. It is the time here. Now, where I must gather information, fight the dark Lord for He snuck upon us and surprised us before. Where do we dis-escape? Why don't we dis-all-escape? Where shall we escape to? There is nowhere left to escape to.

They might think me defeated. They may think me diminished. But I tell thee for not one moment this be true. I shall learn all I need to learn. Then, by the way, into my brain, these things will begin to call less into a plan. The very plan that the two of you seek, I, and then I shall call everyone forth and we shall ride!

We could go to Fingeria, probably. We can't go to Fingeria. No, I think he's trying to say we can't go to Fingeria. There's nowhere left to go. Has the dark world taken over Fingeria, too? I do. I don't know, but I assume. We think so.

We took a road trip. It was fun. It had its ups and its downs, but mostly ups. Learning to travel together is a new phase of a relationship. It's very tough. Oh, say a rose and a thorn of the trip. A rose is a good thing, and a thorn is a bad thing, Jage. A rose of the trip is when you let me choose the music for the second leg. It was so hard that I'm happy

I did it and by choosing the music he let me sing the songs. A thorn I would say is probably on the second night when I wanted to sleep up in your branches and you said you were tired and so you made me go sleep on the ground and it was a bio river and my cloak got wet. Yes, but it's not all branch sleeping fun time. We need our space some time. But you got plenty of them right there. You barely noticed when I'm up in there. But you know, I know what branches you went for.

You didn't go for just sleep branches. You went for the fun hangout branches. They're so fun to hang out in there. I know, but I get tired. I had a busy day in the next day. Are you guys dating? No, we can. Our hearts are both broken and we are both helping each other. Okay, just checking them. You say you're rosin' a thorn. My thorn was actually that same night, because I felt bad of how I talked to you and my rose was moonlight marshmallows. Wow, moonlight

marshmallows. Yes. That sounds amazing. It was so fun. We got marshmallows, which we were like, should we? We're like, why not? We did it. It was a full moon and we thought stories of our past. That's beautiful. And I love the way you guys handle this in terms of like every rose has its thorn. Yes, that's what they say. That's every good thing has a bad thing. Yeah, that is true. If something good happens to you, uh, oh, watch out. Yeah, something bad going on. Might be, you know, nice drink, might be poison. Yeah, that's cool.

Yeah, every time it rains, it's sunny soon. Yeah, I like that. That is beautiful and wise, cabaron. Oh, thank you for thy wisdom. And I thank thee for thy resistance, nay, treasistance. I, and I am buoyed by the fact that we now have two hashtags to defeat the Dark Lord with. What's the first hashtag?

I'm with TREE. We've been trying that one out. And it's gotten so traction on! I feel a little bit left out, to be honest, because the hashtag only features TREE and nothing about DQ Well, let's do okay to say DQ none of the names of any of this stuff have elf or you in them at all Hank or any other listeners if you're gonna tweet tree's distance if you don't want to do that Maybe just at sign the shins and that's that'll be yours

If you want to reach Arnie used to do or I You can just do hashtag hashtag, men with hats. Jiz, men with hats and sheans. Cause we all have best friend hats. Yeah, brazen. Yeah and chant, you've got so many hats now. So many hats. I, and if you wish to help me get my powers back,

you can tweet at me at Usador the Blue with the hashtag, give Usador the bird. And you can tweet me at chant, that's chant with six teas. And you can tweet at me at Magic Tabvern, but I don't tweet a bunch. So don't bother. Cabarón. Yes. How many tweets do you get?

I'm matching up a lot of birds and yours. I do get many birds, it is seasonal. So sometimes I get birds, I get too many squirrels now. It feels like the dark lord has brought in squirrels more than birds. Sometimes I try to kick the birds while they're tweeting, but they're very high off the ground. Oh, yes, I would be a problem. Tree, what are some of the effects of the Dark Lord that only the creatures of the forest would notice?

Oh, you know bats? Yeah, I've heard bats. They no longer go in caves, they go on our holes with woodpeckers. So woodpeckers and bats are becoming friends, which is a spicy combination. It seems I don't know how it's bad, but it seems like it would be. Oh, it's very bad because they go, right, and bats can only hear real good. And it's like, oh no. Oh, I love birds, and I must speak to the woodpeckers.

I must get a message to them and tell them, don't team up with the bats. Bats are evil. Bats are evil? evil just like orcs every single one of them. Well, I've got a friend's out of bats But I don't know that I mean I guess you have friends who are bats. Yes They're fine, but when they come into my tree and they with woodpeckers and you're like all known Right this is happening. I was grasping it straws there. Maybe all bats aren't evil you grasp that straws Yes, yeah here, try some. For what? Oh, look at that. Just on the table.

In jail you have so many straws. Yes, it's the only way they'll let you drink. They don't like us using our hands. They could always reminds me of us. Not using your hands? Yes, well grasping for straws, feeling like you're on jail. Only realize friendship is the key that gets you out of your own jail. Yes, if I were like you, Viennjelek, I would think that this tree were evil.

Just like you think all bats are. And yet here we are. Friends, partners and resistance. Here's my emergency contact. Oh, that's a big deal. Oh, no, no. There is some important lesson to be learned here. I, if even Daphanyl, Kwenjalvin, can learn to love a tree, can I learn to love an orc? Probably not.

Probably not. That's going a bit far apart. No, all right. But like, you could be friends or like... And the orcs are actively enslaving us and capturing us on behalf of the Dark Lord. I, but at one point, these two would have been mortal enemies. Perhaps the way to defeat our enemies is to make them all fruit.

DQ is tree-your emergency counter? I've been wanting to get around to changing the forms. Oh, this is awkward. But I've been having so much fun running around in the forest. Wow. I haven't gotten around to it. Oh, I will let you drink from the forgiveness pool. And I do not hold it against you for if an emergency were

to happen to you, I would already be contacted because I'd be there. See, look at this. It's beautiful. It's from a tree. And you guys aren't dating? No, okay. No, no, our hearts were broken.

I want to work having a year of just doing us. Just us. I always treat just DQ. I always say, do you DQ? And that's what I say to pump him up. Chant, sometimes male friendships can be complicated. They don't have to mean that they're dating, which reminds me, have you gotten any banging buds?

This is a new segment, wherein fans of the show, suchrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr to a mouth. What a world. No PTA. Oh, and I hate the schools. The other PTA. Oh. No DVM. DVM? What's DVM? No XLR. No FTQPN. What about DQ-T-R-E-E?

Bwah! Yes, that's always welcome. Okay, good. All right, here's a banging bud. This is actually with the title, The Open Box. I'm going to have you, Sador, read it. Just so you can kind of get his, um, essential banging bud. This is actually with the title of the open box. I'm gonna have you said or read it Just so you can kind of get his um, essential voice going. Ah, yes. The open box The fire was cracking against the hearth

The heat was warming the chants back as he awry and used it all They looked into the red light of the microphone Peanuts yelled out, Chunt. Arnie said, I don't want to talk about Earth stuff. Shut up, gaffed Yusador. We were doing our getting nuts, not the other ridiculousness. As Yusador said that,

the fire caught Chunt's eyes. Yusador looked that, the fire caught Chant's eyes. Yusador looked deeply into the flames. Chant responded, then the fire and all light went out. Wow, what a way with words! Elves live long enough to know that everything is temporary and all will vanish away into nothingness as the stream does into the river and yet that still probably could have used the second pass That was from AJ, okay But oh, or you know, we can't be sure that's his name even could have typed those letters all wrong

But thank you, AJ. But beautiful sentiment. Thank you for the story. Arnie, have you gotten any emails? Yeah, let's see here. You see mine, sure. No, I do, I do. Let's see here.

You can always email me at Magic Tavern at puppies. That supplies this is a real email address. Here's one. Arnie, I'm a huge fan of your podcast, and I'm so sorry to hear about your current situation with the Dark Lord currently taking or Foon, I know you have said before that you are not religious, but I know you said or believes in the goddess Foo, U and Un, who as the creators of Foon must be more powerful than the Dark Lord. My question is, is it possible that Ian now the three goddesses could ride out from their abode in the West and lead

a great host with them to do battle with and or throw. This person is really trying to throw a lot of orr. Is that AJ as well? Or throw the dark lord that have imprisoned you. Or are they not into that sort of thing? Thanks and my prayers be with you as well, Jacob. Well, they have already sent me as their emissary, and many of the other wizards are here to do their bidding.

They work sometimes in ways that are not obvious to those, mere mortals of this world, so their agents are everywhere already. So you're saying, Fuh-UU and Oon help those who help themselves. I very true for Foo-U and Oon work in ways that are sometimes confounding but totally makes sense in the long run because they just don't want to like get into the mix of it themselves. And don't forget that Afghani and the giant cats make come save us. And the great two of the great blue tigers are still out there somewhere. Oh yeah! And Nathaniel andaniel and Caberone are not going to help as well.

Consider me part of the resistance, please guys. Oh, we always will, John. And since I'm a guard, we might need to code our language a little bit. So Caberone, if you ever need my help, here's what I want you to yell at me, okay? And I want you to practice this. I want you to just yell, okay, I'm reloaded. Okay, I'm reloaded. That's all you have to do and I'll come help.

Yes, I say that all the time. You'm reloaded. That's all you have to do and I'll come help. Cheers, I say that all the time. You could also maybe yell, your womb is polluted. Your womb is polluted. That works. Cheers, I do call words for the same thing. Does do you kill get any call words? No.

You'll be together anyway. Cheers, we will doing fun things, doing theme days. What's theme days? What's theme days do you do? Well, sometimes we do fun things, doing theme days. What's a theme days? Well, sometimes we do no chapters or... That's where we try something we've never done before. To be adventurous gets outside of our comfort zones. Which brings us to our new segment, new chapters. Okay.

This week our new chapters theme was, I was going to work on a politicizing, I was going to work on apologizing and I was going to work on punching. Oh, yes. It's very tough for both of us, because I do not think that an apology should be an admission of guilt, but the show of empathy in my arms are weak.

We have a gift for you guys. Wow, thank you. I lost another hat. A gift from the Resistance. Yes. Thank you. I lost another hat. A gift from the Resistance. Yes. Will you give for them? It's in my topest branch.

Oh, hold on. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh it off, I guess. No, this is like type of fruit that like it gets too ripe. Put it on your counter next to some other fruit and like a couple of days it'll be good. You can draw it or forget about it but then remember it. And what wonderful gifts of power shall this fruit imbue to us. This is the thing. We do not know. What sustenance it shall bring it is dependent upon the ether and consumer. It'll give you what you need, but not what you want. Can't always get what you need, but sometimes you can get what you want. The fruit does not stop. Oh, does the opposite?

Oh, I gotta say, I would rather get what I want than what I need. Just me too, but something I'm walking on as well. Well, let me give you guys a gift. Here are some straws. I will grasp them and I will drink through them. Think of these as symbols of the tree's existence, just so we don't draw attention to ourselves, just keep a straw behind your ear or something or a cabaret in your hole.

I will use that straw for breathing for another of our themed days is underwater. Yes! All day! That's fun! All day! We go underwater and we see what treasures and trash we find. Wonderful. Well, I too then shall use my great-temperature to form you a gift. Oh, come on, trash, trash, you have to be a branch saddle! For writing!

Yes, you can wear this saddle so that your friend may ride upon you more easily We were doing bear branch and now you can have a saddle finally my legs have been so sore from straddling your branches I thank thee for all the years of service your legs have given me this will be great for our other themed day friendship This will be great for a other themed day friendship. Oh, that's every day. And I have a gift for you guys. Oh, no. I made some overalls for Chant and I, and Chant never wore his overalls.

So I'm just gonna give you guys the overalls that I made. Chant, why are you not wearing overalls? Here, give it to me. Look at this. It's ridiculously... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, way too big. Right here, my son. Way too big. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, let me get you out. I know. It's like being inside a tent. Yeah. So maybe these can help the tree's distance in some way. Yes. We'll be over all the time. Thank you, Cabero.

Thank you, Dathani El Queniar. Thank you, Fiannallek. Deathaniel, Quaidiart. Thank you, Fee, Alec. John T. A thousand moons of me, graciousness, human. You were here as well. Yeah, you were here. I was here. Way to go.

DQ, I invite you to treat this human, like Usador will treat the orcs. You are saying that he could be a friend, one day maybe, or at least casual acquaintance. Crazy things have happened, no good does. DQ, trees to be your mortal enemy. Someday, you might be riding around on me in the woods. You had it and you lost it. How can so much vivid detail and meticulous character work fit into 45 minutes? You can almost hear Orson Well saying, War of the Worlds, what a swing and a miss.

Usudor may sound like a powerful wizard, but he's only Matt Young, a Chicago actor probably even now reading some audition copy about aluminum siding, and being given the direction less give-upy. Chant the shapeshifting badger is just Adel Raphai, who's realizing what's worse than Matt's audition, not being called in for it. DQ, the kicking elf, was played by special guest Tim Ryder. Tim wrote and performed on the new episodes of Mystery Science Theatre 3000, currently on Netflix.

He's also part of the upcoming MST3K Live, Watch Out for Snakes Tour, this summer, tickets are available at mst3k.com slash tour. Cover-owned Valentine, the Talking tree, was played by John Sabine. John performs regularly with the improvised Shakespeare company and the late 90s at Chicago's I.O. theater. If you enjoyed John's special brand of partially following the conversation, check out his series of pamphlets, tuning out with Sabine, available exclusively in the lobbies of Chicago park buildings everywhere.

Well, Craig, I'm off to request an audience with the bunker high command. Why not grease up those baby smooth palms and give this epilogue the happy ending it deserves? Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arne E. Camp, Evan Jacoba and Ryan D. Georgie, this one edited by Garrett Schultz, music by Andy Poland, Logo by Aller Leban, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Don't forget you're not a real magic tavern fan until you have sent us some money. So go to podswag.com where Ear Wolf's new story is and you can get some awesome magic tavern stuff.

We've got shirts, we've got that awesome new set of cool magic tavern, refrigerator magnets where you can like dress up Barney and he needs it. He needs some help. And a lot of other cool stuff. So that's podswag.com from Magic Tavin Stuff and all of your Woolf's other cool stuff. Which reminds me, thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and thanks to Ear Wolf. you