Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 16 - Tom the Girlfriend

Episode Date: July 3, 2017

Baron Ragoon has brought his new girlfriend to the Tavern. She seems vaguely familiar. Also, Blemish is around.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungTomblain Belaroth: Steve WaltienBaron Ragoon: Chris RathjenBlemish:Martin WilsonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The following podcast is not real. It just isn't. All we do is argue about this, and I miss how we use to just laugh. How can we get back there? Enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neekhimp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, do not worry, I will tell you everything you need to know. About two years and four-ish months ago I fell through a dimensional

portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Unfortunately, the world is being taken over by the Dark Lord, who has imprisoned me and my Goon companions, and are forcing us to continue to do this podcast that we record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the prison town of Hogsface, in the land of Phoon, and I am joined as always by my Goon companion, Yusidor. Hi, I'm Yusidor, Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Minipulator of Magical Lights, Devour of Chaos, champion of the great halls of Turukas. The elves knew me as fiend Yalak, the dwarves knew me as soon as I knew extendies, and I am known in the Northeast as guest-mainiest May star.

Oh, and there may be other secret names, names of such great portentant power that if you were to see them writ upon the page, you would think that they were little magical elves with flames coming out of their eyes, and the words were danced off of the page. You would think they were little magical elves with flames coming out of their eyes. And the words were danced off of the page, danced towards your body with their flaming eyes, lit eye, and they would draw sorts of flaming ink and stab you until you died. And I'm also joined by Chant the sheep shifter. Aha. How you doing bud? I'm pretty good. Just wanted to know, maybe, uh,

checking with you, get to, you know, knowing me, knowing you. Yeah. I'm checking. There's nothing we can do besides just, uh, try to connect. Yeah, absolutely. How are you doing? I'm doing pretty good. Not too bad.

I mean, you know, obviously you've got to take into account the fact we've all been in prison by the dark Lord and every being forced to do this podcast. But I enjoy, I still enjoy doing it. I still enjoy my time with my good buds. Good, good, good. How are you doing, Chuck? Good, I'm really, you know, I feel like I was really born

to be a guard. Recently I was just kind of walking around town, walking into some of the different buildings and I actually found Pindley Nimble bottom. He's stuffed above a fireplace. Oh, he's still alive. Oh, I was afraid he had passed. No, he's still alive.

He's in a lot of pain. And he has stuffed to the gills. Oh, and you just left him there. I had a conversation with him. He seems to be keeping high spirits. And I said, when the time is right, I will come for you. Who's fireplace is he stuffed, stuffed over? Oh, the turtle, that big turtle guy?

That big turtle guy? Yeah, I don't know his name. Huh, you said already you know the big turtle guy's name? Yeah. Good. I've been walking around town a little bit more, as I've said recently. And I went by Kellery Potter's pottery store.

She's a woman that did that ad saying that a witch had stolen her children and that she needed to sell everything in her store to save them. But then I went in there and she was saying that like a goblin had stolen her nephew and she had to sell everything in the store. Otherwise the goblin was going to kill her nephew. Well, she's what we hear on food called a capitalist. Uh-huh. And she will say anything to Hakaoewares.

Yeah, like every time I go in there, there's just some new excuse for her to be actively trying to liquidate the stuff that's in her store. There may be a grain of truth. Well, the best lies have a grain of truth in them. Have you ever planted a grain of truth? No, what happens if you plant a grain of truth? You get a truth tree truth tree But sometimes the truth hurts and you walk past the truth tree and you're like the truth trees like

Maybe need to lose a couple pounds. Yeah, and you're like Fuck you truth tree. Well, but you can you get mad. Yes, you are angry, but you realize it's a truth tree Yeah, it's telling me the truth just as I am telling the truth. Blemish is here ultimate truth teller to remind you of your misery. Blemish, I'm so weak and entitled man. There's no magical powers at all. Zoning nothing makes blemishes, pimply cracked face,

grin with glee, then to see you decimated and desecrated in your st- I dimmish though I may be something I should take my revenge upon me. Oh, and- and we little chun't. Oh, are you still- We- A little sexual... profligate running about Flitting around no time for that too busy being imprisoned. Oh sad no shape shifting. Oh boo

I'm a guard look at this hat. Well, let me lift up my brain look at this hat and oh It's so so sad to see you so sad. Oh It is so sad for everyone except for blemish who's never been happier Never been free. I never been Always gonna say Brush in his teeth I do say if you feel enough emotion that you can break out into salt. Oh, wow Yeah, I've never seen blembers so happy! Are you so happy now that the Dark Lord has put you back in charge of the Vermilion Minotaur on with Daphne?

Absolutely, and I'm serving you all nothing. If anyone is serving anyone anything, it's Daphne. All I have to do is sit around, watch and enjoy your miserable interactions. Could I have a mean, though? Oh, of course. Nah. Just one mean, just. Could I have a mean, though? Oh. Of course. Nah. Just what mean? Just what is to mean?

For all time's sake, I would love a mean. Around a mean, for the sake. Around a mean, for all time's sake. I would love a mean. What everyone like a mean for all time's sake. Yes, I do that mean a lot. Yes, I do. Raise everyone's spirits a bit in these dark times.

Oh, yeah. Fuck all of you! Ah! Damn it. You all can suck on my cat dick! Uh, bartender. Uh, could I get a round of mead for the table here? Of course, my Baron.

Baron Ragoon! Uh, yes, hello there Arnold. Arnie? What is it now? It's Arnie. Arnie. It's all. It's always been Arnie, really.

Baron, this is some... It's hard for me to say it's a pleasure to see you since I'm still in prison here and I'm a weak old man. So many evil people walking into the tavern today, is it sweeps weak or something? Uh, chunt, I understand you've become a member of our guard. Yes, I have, sir. Report. Uh, there's a big old turtle guy. Found a big old turtle guy, sir.

Baron, do you know the big old turtle guy's name? Yeah. Besides that, I don't think... I mean, cockroach clown is cracking up. I mean, he's due for a promotion. He's cracking up all the guards, so I would just recommend him for a promotion. I'm so glad that you came around to our side of things. Now,

you Sador, do you see how your friend joined the winning side? I see that he has taken a side and the lie cannot do as he is done for if doing so I would be denied my very recent fall existing and cockroach cloud doesn't deserve a promotion. Oh, cockroach cloud is a deserve a promotion. Oh my God. Cockroach cloud is a freak, man. Why, because you're a cockroach and full on cloud makeup? Yes, it's terrifying. Oh wait. It's real scary.

Cockroach cloud is the giant cockroach and cloud makeup. Yeah, wait, who did you think cockroach cloud was? I thought it was the large Harry fellow with wheels for legs. Oh, that's wheel bear. Oh, no, I think we're going to be promoting wheel bear then. He is a, he's a, that makes my name. He also guessed my name, which was very impressive.

He just guessed your name? Yeah, he got it wrong, but it was very impressive that he had the confidence. You're me, my lord. And empty flagants for the rest of you. Thank you, boy. We'll need at least one more, full me. I do have a guest joining me.

Right away, my lord. Where do we, my lord? Where do we, my lord? You know what, I'm gonna pretend to be drinking out of this empty flag and just a piss blin a shop. Nymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymnymn Yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum Yo. Yum yum yum. Yum. Oh, so tasty. Nice. Who's your guest at St. Joy? Oh, yes.

So I would appreciate it very much. And by which I mean withhold punishment, if everyone could help me make a good impression, this is a lady friend of mine. Oh, that's right. You have this new girlfriend, ever since your wife died in a lava. Yeah, that loss of a love one I'm trying to put behind me,

but wait a, bring it up again right now. Sorry. But yes, here she comes. On your feet, on your feet. No, no, no, no. Shingle bit. Yes, he's your friend. Well, Eliza, I would not say friends.

I would say, they're in my thrall. You know, Chant here, this is a shape shifter and he's a member of my guard and my words are like law unto him. Correct? That was great. Good den, wee Badger. It's a little scary for now, you're.

And then, of course, this is the diminished wizard I told you about. I could ladyform a wizard. I just now we called man. Did you see that? He's like a weak old man. He looks very sad. I am very sad. And is this the man who travels between worlds? Yes, this is the human from the other realm.

Yeah, that's me. I'm from another world. It's very nice to meet you. Oh, Shenglepeth, he frightens me. Oh, well, I can assure you, he is no threat whatsoever. The Dark Lord has studied well. I mean, I'm at least a little bit of a threat. No, I can also assure you he's not a threat. Gentlemen, you stand in the presence of Lady Eliza Parts.

Ooh. Lady Eliza Parts? Yes, call me Lady Parts. It is a pleasure to meet you, good lady. The pleasure is all mine, all the Lady Pleasures. Well, how very, ladylike of you. Yes, well, that's what I'm like. I'm from the hidden valley. Well, I'll very, lady like of you. Yes, well that's what I'm like. I'm from the hidden valley.

My family has a ranch there. I love hidden valley's ranchers. Indeed, they're most creamy, shangle-breathened. I have been getting to know one another. I'm evil just like him. She is, she is everyone. Oh, what if you run into evil? Me? Well, I, I, I hurt things all the time.

I see something. And I think I'd like to hurt that. And then if I can, I do. Check it out. I mean, I, I have to say I was, I was very distraught, you know, for reasons that I just moments ago, asked me not bring up, but the death of your wife in the lava. Yes, yes. Was she burnt? Yes, after being de-fenestrated.

Yes, yes. Oh, I was nowhere near it, but it sounds horrible. The sounds of her screams from the tower as she fell clutching onto the window before she died. See, this is exactly what she's talking about, like the graphic descriptions making me imagine my wife's last horrible moments. That's, that's pretty evil, huh? Well, Baron, you know what?

You know what time it is, Baron? Truth-Hirty. Haha. Is it already? Excuse me, one moment. Yes. Away with you, Shengelbeth. Hmm.

Tonight is a special night for the both of us, huh? Lambish, is it true thirty yet? Yes, my lord, it's true thirty. What makes tonight a special night, Lady Parts? Real. I shouldn't say, but tonight's the night I'm going to show Shengelbeth my cant-knuckle. What's this? Well, we've been waiting a long time and we can hold back no further.

No excuses left. I just spit my imaginary ale across the room. Holy crap! Guys, guys, guys! I'm sorry, lady parts, would you excuse us for just a moment? Yes, of course. Guys, I thought that the Baron was dating Tom the Traveler who was acting as his new girlfriend. I thought so too, but when I speak around this lady, I can hear that she has a vagina. Yeah.

This is clearly an evil lady. This is a very evil lady. And I, that, to consider her now, to be one of my enemies. The enemy's dropping. Whoa! Yes. So evil. And we were just talking about-

We went to the evil person do that. Listen in when they're not supposed to. To private conversation. That's because I'm not good. Yeah. But also just like perverts would do that too. Yes. I don't-

Are you pervert now? No. No. I'm still- My opinion on perversion is still evolving all right Guess what I mean You know that name is the Baron Yes, he's he's Skondolo to the bar honor Chanta as when is it's me Tom? Oh my gosh.

How did you do that? Oh my god. Amazing, four minutes, four minutes. Good, oh my gosh. Well, adrenaline of opening night is upon me. I'm supposed to show him my count knuckle tonight. Is that what you called it opening night? It's truly an opening night.

Apparently, it's an opening. I mean, I gotta say, I mean, that sounds terrible, but at the same time, if you don't win a tosser for this performance, it's rigged. I was thinking much the same thing. Look, we all know that the rules of the tosser committee have to be changed. That's one of the myriad of things we should be pushing for. The fact of the matter is, I went undercover as the Baron's girlfriend, thinking that there would be an end in sight. But now I'm trapped, and tonight in the tower I fear the Baron will not listen to any other

excuses if I'm to love him, then I'm to love him, and he's going to find out that I'm not Lady Parts After All. What are some of the excuses you've been giving him in order to not get under the covers as it were? A headache? One. Yeah, in the dark I would punch the head of his penis. And then I would say, no, that's part of one.

He's a child of a child. So we would be lying in bed and he would say, let's, let's get, let's get a look at that knuckle, my lady. And then I would would it would be dark I would blow at the candle and I'd punch the head of his penis. Oh, and I would say did you hear that? I think a cat fell You sound like you've a headache That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, wow, that's impressive. I also told him that I have my period That's impressive. I also told him that I have my period.

Two. And that's what, of course, are not. If you don't know, in Foon, you're allowed to have periods of sadness, in which intercourse is forbidden. And so I said, I'm having my period of sadness. And how frequently are you allowed to have your period? You can have your period with some regularity. And of course, yeah.

Ideally. Well, isn't it worth if there's something hyper-tragic in terms of when your father died, don't a lot of women's grieving periods sink up? It's often because tragic things are happening that affect everyone. So then you share the same periods. And it's really not a good idea to have intercourse during a period. But then some people are like, just lay a towel down. You gotta dry up all the tears, right? Yeah, I'm not. Yeah, it's all right.

If you're trying a lot, people say, just lay a towel down. It'll soak up all the tears. And you can do it. But I've run out of excuses. Maybe could you just convince him you have a blaz? What? Blaz? It's one of the types of genitalia you told us about last time? Oh, a blaz. Yeah. Yeah, of course. I have a feeling based on what he's said. He's going to be spending a lot of time down there. What does he said that makes you... I'm a little smirky. He said... He said...

Lady Parts. When I get... When I get... A look at that knuckle. I'm going to spend a lot of time down there. And that led me to think, I think he's intense to spend a lot of time down there. Oh, guys will say just about it, you think you're better than the lady though, you know. Yeah, maybe I could say that I have a blaz, but I just don't, I don't think he's gonna buy it.

And also, I'm sick of this. You sent me on a mission to spy, well, I spied, and now everything went bollocks, and now we're under occupation. I've got plenty of notes, but honestly, none of this, these papers, I've written down plenty of things, but none of them. What? Matter. No, maybe they do, what are some of the notes? Well, the Baron is just spending all his time trying to solve his stupid riddle. Ooh, I love riddles. Yeah, what's the riddle? Now, it's meaningless.

Okay, if any of the orange beasts, one door, west and three doors doors east down and down and down you go until the river starts to glow face to face with swamps McGee she'll see the breaking of the three below the water man must grow until he finds sweet penelope. How'd up how'd up did you say swamp McGee? Yes, he repeats it over and over I'm an actor so I can memorize. I think that's the name of the big turtle guys and that's swamp McGee is that swamp McGee? Yeah, he says face to-to-face with swamps McGee shall see the breaking of the three. That doesn't mean anything the three Foo-oo-noone Three I don't know There's three hosts on this podcast. It could be us. I like to put I like to figure out where I go in a riddle. Oh sure

I go in the front You go in front I take yes, I go in the front of a riddle. And then if it feels like based on what I hear in the riddle, I need to enter from a different place than I do. But I think it's best to read the whole riddle and before you do anything, from the front to the back. Because a lot of riddles you'll get to, like for example, have you ever heard this one? What walks with three eyes in the morning? Flies like a bird in midday, lands in the valley,

in the morning of the next day, and pay no attention to this riddle. Now, if you try to solve that before the end, you've gotten it wrong. Which clearly tells you to ignore it. Ignore the whole riddle. Right. That reminds me of a fleek, the guy who sells his teeth, he told me a riddle that was,

what flies in the sky without an E and what in the morning has a sum of three, but then also none of that's important. I'm talking about a horse. Oh. Tom, you look like a lady. I'm talking about a horse. Oh. Tom, you look like a lady. You look exactly like a lady. Well, let me wipe off some of my makeup.

You look more like a lady now. Okay, let me put back on my man makeup, the different makeup. Because what happens is I've got naturally lady-like features. So what I do is I wear man makeup and then I put lady makeup on over that. Are you concerned that the bear might see you like this, though? What if when the bear in comes back, I've turned into someone else using my acting and then we can say that lady parts blew up. Oh, better yet, we could say that she is just disappeared into the forest.

I had this would serve two purposes. If we ever need you to be lady apart again, you can come back and it might distract the Baron by sin sending his forces and spending his time looking through the woods while we here devise some plan to overcome the dark lord. I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but we have been in a relationship with things are going really great at the beginning of the relationship and it comes time that you think ten nights to the night. We're going to do it.

And then the lady says, I'm going into the forest for a few weeks just to get really excited about this. And then you never see her again. Oh yes, that actually that has happened many times. Yeah, maybe it's just that. Or I could use my magic to turn your genitalia into a continental. Oh, do that. Okay.

Sometimes the easiest solution is the one that's right in front of your face. But yeah, I could do this. But as Tom clearly said, he can find nowhere other information out from the bear and that it's useful. Perhaps it is time to set Tom free. Yes, and also, I think we should be respectful of people who feel that they are born a different gender, and I do have a lot of respect for people who are, and I do feel that that is a real thing and very important to honour.

Well, so are you saying, Tom, that like you've spent all this time, you know, doing a sort of gender reversal and you don't want to do that anymore? It feels dated. It feels hot to the touch and I know some like it hot, but if you think about it, that sort of a dated thing. Well, as you like it. Right, as you like it. I now declare that we for Bussom Buddy shall take this oath to no longer try to pass ourselves off as some other gender. Yeah, we shall be only the gender that we feel like we are.

Be who you are. Tom, be who you are. Be who you are. Tom, thanks for everything you've done for us so far. You forget. I'm just glad that we didn't have to do a spell to get your Peter scolariid. And I feel like we've emotionally grown.

I feel like, you know, they say, boys don't cry, but I feel like men should cry. Yeah. We should have our periods. Tutsi, yeah. Tutsi. Does anybody want a tutsi? I have to.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. These are delicious tutsis. Mmm. Oh, I'm glad you saw that. These are delicious tutsis. Mmm. Oh, indeed, I feel the heat from this predicament, and it is real. I do not doubt fire when I feel it.

Well, do you want a man up and just do whatever you gotta do to get through this? Indeed, white chips. Wait, wait. Yeah. Hope, hold still, you got a ladybug on you. Alright, so the plan is to shed the costume. And then we should tell the Baroness story.

That Lady Parts is absconded into the woods. I, we know not where she'd be, but she ran off in a tizzy declaring her ever lasting love for the Baron, but also seemingly distraught and confused, so that he will spend his time and energy searching for her and he should be watching us. Perfect and I will be a bat. What's going on? It just seems like the easiest thing. You're going to play a bat? Yeah, with my act easiest?

Yeah, I'll just be a bat so that when he comes back, the tavern's full of bats. You'll just say that. Several multiple bats, you're gonna play more than one bat. Yeah, I'll play some bats because we already have bats in the tavern. I'll just mix him with the other bats. I'll just mix him with the other bats.

Yeah. I can't wait to see this transformation. You're so talented. Okay, yeah, let's take a quick break and refresh our drinks. And when we come back, Tom, Tom the Traveler will be a bat. A series of bats. A series of bats.

Think about it, Arnor. Am I? I'm sorry. Think about how stupid what you just said was that I'm going to be a bat. Visualize that. You know, I'm too big to be one bat. I'm too big to be one bat. I'm going to to be one bat. I'm gonna be a series of bats

strewn about through the tavern, one over there, one over there, one in the rafters. Well, I never thought it could be done, but Tom, you do look like a series of bats. That is how acting is done. I's very, it's very impressive. Yeah, wait, where are you looking right now? I'm looking at those bats up there. Those are real bats. Oh, oh wait, no time, you don't look anything like bats. What are you talking about? No, he's just, he's just standing there. He looks like a series of bats. He's moving his fingers a little bit like bats. You don't understand the theater the way I do.

Let's draw all the candles. Let's blow out all the candles. Okay. And let's see if maybe in an audible way, he can convince us he's a series of bats. Here we go. Okay. Hello, I'm a series of bats.

Wonderful. Wow. It's so good. It's Brechtian. What does Brechtian mean? Have you ever been to breakfast? No. Well, in breakfast things tend to appear without Artifice and also groups of bats tend to look like people. Wow. And there's a lot of of fourth walls there that you can um kind of punch or shatter

Hmm, sometimes I just leave them off a lot of people's houses just three walls. Yeah, that's weird Yeah, I don't know. I'm not a big fan of breaking the fourth wall mat. All right turn off the dark turn off the dark put the lights back on Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like to come I'm getting pretty good at doing that. That was good. Well, I think you said or did it. I think you just said it Oh, this little one I did. Tom, I know I don't want to put you on the spot. Instead of a series of bats, could you play a serious bat? Yes.

Oh my gosh, that's me. Do you hear the gravitas when he said yes? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you've got to make a choice, hasn't it, sir? Where's my lady, Pots? Oh, Baron. Oh, Baron, we think perhaps you should take a seat at the table. Yeah.

I'm a series of bats. Oh, excuse me. Excuse me. They're flock of bats. I'm having a conversation with some prisoners of mine. No, I'm sorry. I'm just some bats. Yes.

We're not talking about you right now. Well, it's hard for me to determine, because I'm just a series of bats. They're just a bunch of bats, they don't know. They don't know like how human conversation goes. Is this series of bats, a series of friends of yours? Well, they're just some pretty bads here in the tavern. We have all sorts of bats here. Some of them are friends.

Well, where's Lady Parts? I hate to tell you this, because I'm becoming such huge fan of yours. Really? Yes, I don't agree with everything you do, but I like you as a person. Well, thank you. So that's, you know, progress. Your girlfriend went off to the woods to get excited for intercourse. I'm a series of bats and I can see that. Yes, she ran off into the forest, she was excited to have intercourse with you and proclaimed

her everlasting love for you but then she also seemed distraught and confused and ran away. Oh man. You know I thought this might happen. You did? She's very nervous. She was a she was a peasant woman when I met her and I I made her lady parts. You made her lady parts? I enabled her. Ah! So before that she was just peasant parts? Yep. Don't be upset.

Don't spend the night with me, the group of bats. Wait. Don't look down. It's not going to save your problem. Oh, shit. I just did that because I felt like that's what the bats would do. That was very in-character, very good. Let me ask a like that's what the bats would do. That was very character, very cool. Let me ask a question.

Sirius of bats. Yes. You've shown gradient sight in the very brief time I've spoken with you. Oh, thanks. Do you have any advice for someone who has a consummation night jitters? Oh, yes. You're nervous. Why not, in practice, for Lady Parts, you spend tonight having sex with a series of bats.

I'm gonna move, then come. What? Tom, if you want to have sex with a Baron, just have sex with the Baron. I don't want to have sex with the Baron. I'm just an actor who's committed to the motivation of my character. And I think if I was a series of bats, this is what I'd be saying. Wow, I'm very flattered. A series of bats, but my heart is sort of, it belongs to another, the Dark Lord, who gives me some discretion with how I use my genitals, and I've chosen to use them with the special lady parts.

I'm sex with those bats. Oh, blemish. Oh no. Anyone. That sounds great. That sounds terrible. And I'm sex with those bats. Oh, blemish. Oh no. Anyone? That sounds great. That sounds terrible. I can't be untrue to my character.

Hey, you spend a lot of time down there, flock of bats. I wonder if we can fly into your mouth and then fly out again. Why am I saying? Of course we could. I should have picked a different character! T-t-t- of bats, thank you so much for joining us. It's been really nice to have you back. I know obviously we've just met you, series of bats, and you're not an old friend that we've known for a very long time that's put their life in danger to try to help out

the cause of defeating the Dark Lord. But just in general, like, you're welcome back anytime, series of bats. Well, I thank you for that. And you know that I'm around the Tevon. And if you can't see, I am wanking. You're wanking? Yeah. Oh no, that's what you do when you want to say something, but mean something different. And you just give him a little wink. Just give him a little wink. Well, you can also blink one of your eyes, but that's very easy to see. So, below the table, I'm giving you a wink.

Well, hey, Lego, Lego. I'm just saying you know, you know, Tom, quickly what? Well, the Baron and Blenish are away from the table. Is there anything else that you learned about the Baron or from your time with him? He's very concerned about you. About me? Yeah, he's afraid that you can discover the weapon.

The what's the snout? You already found the Lunar Sword? Yeah, I found the Lunar Sword and then Tanik installed. Yeah, that's what I thought. Apparently there's another weapon. I told you, I didn't find anything useful. You've found a lot of useful things it sounds like to me. Yeah, you found that riddle.

Yeah. Yeah, the Tom Riddle. He wants to find the weapon before you do, right? I'm not looking for any weapon, but I just joined the map. Oh, there was a map. What's this? Yes. If you give me the map, I'll eat it.

I remember everything I eat. I've just joined the map. Oh no. And then I forgot it. That's all right. We do know that there's a weapon, someway hidden in the heaven. Wait, so there's a weapon hidden in the tavern? Wait, you remember everything you eat? Right.

Remember, Genelevia? You eat or is a racker in this? With all my heart, I remember her. So there's a weapon here in the tavern? And the Dark Lord's worried that I'll find it? The Dark Lord doesn't that I'll find it. The Dark Lord doesn't want you to use your power. What power?

Well, maybe it's the power of podcasting. No. No, he wants you to use that power and then the riddle and the prophecy that the Baron can't figure out. He's mumbling in his sleep. Okay, even if the orange beast won door west and three doors east down and down and down you go until the river starts to glow face to face with swamps McGee shawsey the breaking up of three. But lower the water man must grow until he finds sweet pen and loke. It's meaningless. God, I wrote that down. I got times rid of

them. You wrote it down? I wrote them. Here, give it to me. All right. You just wrote that. I'm 100 fuck. Okay, even if the orange beast, wonder a west and three dorsies, down and down and down you go until the river starts to glow face to face with Swamspeaky. Shob see the breaking of the three below the water, man must grow up until he finds sweet vanilla. I tried to write Tom's riddle down, but I wrote too fast and I just wrote down Melvolo.

Well, if you arrange some of the letters, then what a good one would that do? I'm a series of bats. Well, you know what, this is a good time, I think, for us to check in with our emails. You know, if people can make any heads or tails of what's going on in the tavern, email me at Magic Tavern at Puppy's Outsupplies. It's a really email address.

And it can help us out like figure out what we should do to defeat the Dark Lord. Apparently there's a weapon we need to be looking for. But here's an email I got. hello Arnie Chunt and you said, or these are books I suggest to get your club, your club started, I think this is for the book club. His dark material. He has a book club?

Yeah, well, it's a two-pronged. Wait a minute, you're wanking me. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was myself. Oh, he's not really a book club. Well, here's the thing, we've been using the book club as a code word for the dark lord. We need to defeat the book club. But you're also thinking about starting a book club.

A book club. I'm ranking. Tom, would you like to be in the book club? Yes. I'd like to be in the book club. Thank you. And we've decided we've talked about it. And anytime one of us as a book club member finishes a book, Cloud I'm Waking. Thank you. And we've decided we've talked about it, and anytime one of us as a book club member finishes a book, we get a personal fan pizza.

Pizza Skull already committed to that. Oh wow. Yes. But anyway, the emailer, PsychoDuck, suggested these books, his dark materials, and why do you believe him? Can't trust a PsychoDuck, he's crazy. Guess who's to say? His dark materials, Annamor's the weakness.

Who has your eyes on? Who's talking materials? Yeah, you're just being a talking head. His dark materials, and weirdly, his dark, the his and his dark materials is all caps. And then Annamor's the weakness, weakness is all caps. And then in Treasure Island, the IS and Island is it all caps? Then it's Ready Player One with the one in all caps and then in treasure island the IS and island is it all caps?

Then it's ready player one with the one in all caps and it's Lord of the Flies with of the all caps the butter battle book with butt in all caps and then the book holes. Read only the lower case words. Okay, let's see. Okay, you're right. It's a secret message. Dark materials, Animorphs, the treasure land, ready player, Lord flies the battle book. I wrote it down. Okay. You wrote it down. If we make sense of that, we will defeat him. All right. Thank you, Psycho Duck. One more thing for us to unravel. I think if you ever need me, just look to a series of bands. Oh yes, Tom is the most dangerous traveler. I'm over here.

Remember, none of that really happened. Used or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Badger Guard was played by Adel Ruffa. Tom Blaine the actor, aka Lady Eliza Parts, aka series of bats, was played by special guest Steve Waltean. Steve performs regularly with the traveling company for the Improvised Shakespeare Company. You can also see him as Hugh Finn, the more successful old friend in the movie Don't Think Twice, now on Netflix.

Lemish was played by Martin Wilson. If Martin had any accomplishments, they would be listed here. And Baron Ragoon was played by Chris Rathjit. Craig? Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arning Ecamp, Evan Jacober, and Rindy Georgie. This one edited by R D. Georgie. Music by Andy Poland, logo by Aller Labbon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz.

Visit us at aloefromthematiktavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter. Don't forget to go to podswag.com to see some great Magic Tavern merchandise, thanks for the Chicago podcast co-op, and of course, thanks to Ear Wolf.