Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 18 - The Basement

Episode Date: July 17, 2017

Arnie and Usidore sneak into the basement while Chunt distracts Blemish.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungBlemish/52 Sacks of Flour:Martin WilsonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

What does it mean to be Black in America? In NPR's Black Stories, Black Truths, a collection of stories as varied, nuanced, and dynamic as Black experiences, you'll hear, it means everything. Search NPR Black Stories, Black Truths wherever you get your podcasts. What does it mean to be Black in America? In NPR's Black Stories, Black Truths, a collection of stories as varied, nuanced, and dynamic as black experiences, you'll hear. It means everything. Search NPR Black Stories, Black Truths wherever you get your podcasts.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Now, because the old compliment well has run dry when it comes to the podcast you're about to hear, how's about I play a video Withholder posted on Twitter? Playing audio from Twitter, who am I, Wolf Blitzer? Anyway, let the voice of Withholder, who apparently hasn't cracked the case on recording a video in landscape, carry you into the show. Do you like fantasy? Do you like things that definitely aren't real?

Do you have a weird thing for buttholes? Then boy, do I have a podcast for you. Say hello to Hello from the Magic Tavern. The buttholiest podcast this side of this American life. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is what's going on. About two years and five months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Unfortunately, it's being taken over by the Dark Lord, who has imprisoned me and my co-hosts, are forcing us to continue to do this podcast,

which we record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the prison town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-hosts, my co-conspirators, my partners in secret plan to overthrow the Dark Lord, Chunt the Talking Flamingo. How's it going? Pretty good. How you doing, bud? I'm doing great. I mean, since I've become a flamingo, I'm getting a lot of looks.

I'm sure. And I am flasingle and ready to flamingle. I just thought of that now. It's really... And I don't think it worked. Well, I mean, it's like almost there. What if I just said I'm ready to flamingo and cut out the flasingo part? Yeah.

Yeah, maybe. I'm flim embarrassed. Oh, that's okay. But you know what? I flisuck. Oh. I've lost my flitouch. You just got to stop.

I just think. I flaclant. Oh. I added this L into cant. Is it weird being a different animal after so long? You've been a talking badger like pretty much most of the time I've known you. It is very weird. And let me tell you, I have hit my head on so many doors and ceilings.

I'm sure. Oh, yeah. Because I'm used to just scurrying in, and now I have these long limbs. Yeah. But it's pretty cool that I can fly. It's been a while since I flew. Sure. But then also, is it weird you're also working as one of the guards, although secretly working against the guards as well?

Like, is it weird for the guards to see you as a different animal? Yeah, I think because you can kind of tell it's me once I start talking that. Sure. Yeah. People aren't off-putter or anything. I think they think it's cool to be friends with the shapeshifter. People are. I don't really think anything would upset Cockroach Clown, to be honest.

That's true. When there's a Cockroach Clown around, everything that that you do is like, normal. To be fair, when I said hello to him and I'm like, hey baby, you know, and said hi, he just laughed for six hours straight. I stood there timing just to see how long he'd laugh. Yeah. It was pretty funny. He's gonna kill us all. It's really unsettling about both his

behavior and yours. What do you mean? He stayed there for six hours? He's the best. I don't want to miss out if he's gonna do something. I guess so. That's weird. Well, I'm also joined by my other co-host. I am Usador, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesias, master of light and shadow. Fleshadow.

Manipulator of magical delights. Fleshadow. Devourer of chaos. Fleshadow. Champion of the great halls of Tarrakis. The elves know me as Fianyalak. The dwarves know me as Zonan and Huk Stanges. And I am known in the northeast as Gasminius Maestar.

And there may be other secret names. Ay, these names that I shall ne'er utter from my lips, lest I destroy entire towns and families with their power. Usador, more and more, your secret names

just seem to be like like, destroying cities. Well, they're very powerful. That's why I keep them secret. I don't want them to fall into the wrong hands. Sure. A few of my names I have rigged down upon a piece of paper. What? Placed inside of a safe.

But that safe requires two keys. Uh-huh. From two different people, who I'm not going to tell you who it is. Wait, is one of it this key you gave me? Is the other one this key you gave me? Shut up, shut up, shut up. And only if they decide together and figure out that they both have the keys, will they be able to unlock it. We both have the keys.

Is this a safe that's been sitting on the table for the past two years? Maybe, probably not. There's a safe at this very table? At this very table. This very table. That's just what we need. Another all-powerful weapon that is clearly right under our noses that we've got to keep out of the hands of the Dark Lord.

No, but maybe it's the name that just makes flowers bloom everywhere. That's a secret name, too. Seems unlikely. You don't know. And I'm not to tell you. Look, guys, we recently found out that the Dark Lord, besides being interested in us and this podcast, is really interested in some kind of secrets

and weapons that are hidden in the Vermilion Minotaur. We've gotta rest back control of the tavern. That's the first time you said, we've gotta rest and then followed it up with back control. Also, we've gotta rest and take a nap. Yeah, I was gonna say, usually you say that line and then fall asleep.

But this is the first time you've used the words take control. That's really impressive. Well, I'm just trying to be a little more proactive. I guess I feel a little guilty that the Dark Lord wants to use this podcast for his own evil ends. And just because I enjoy doing the podcast, I keep doing it. And even though it might benefit him. Oh, but this shall backfire upon him for surely the more we reach out to listeners good listeners good people like the men women and

children of foon who just simply toil every day at their jobs and their schools i we shall inspire the people of foon and the people of earth to take arms against that Dark Lord and I to give forth what air it is they have to trezist. Yeah. Trezist. I'm not going to do it. That's fine. But here's the thing. We keep being watched by blemish.

We can't, like, explore the tavern without... Who? Crazy Jared. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Crazy Jared keeps watching us, and if we sort of try to find the secrets in the tavern, he's going to report it back to the Dark Lord. Well, what if...

I'm spitballing here. What if we killed him? What? What if we killed him? Wait, you're talking about just killing his butthole, right? Like his dad. No. This is a war, and sometimes in war, blood is shed.

I, I must confess unto unto thee i have never cared much for the boy but i'd never wanted to see him come to harm yay i did hope that he would find his way back to the light but i see now that in with his newfound confidence as crazy jared he shall always be a minion of darkness and my job as Usador is to strike evil down! I gotta say, I'm really creeped out by him recently. He got those teardrop tattoos on his face. Yeah. They're a lot of weird.

Yeah, but you're friends with cockroach clowns, so like... That guy is the best. All right. Crazy Jared is here to pour one out for his homies. Hey, Crazy Jared. We were just talking about you and, uh... Yes, it was overly loud. One would think that Zonan

has not been drinking all of his potions. Oh, oh, but I'm just a weak old man. And I don't have any magic powers. Yes. Can you stop pouring out stuff for the homies? Our table is flooded with beer now. Daphne is continuing to hand me more flagons for my homies. Oh, that safe isn't waterproof.

Show the paper and there's ruin now. Damn it. We should have opened it. You all here sit glibly thinking that everyone wants the Dark Lord to be defeated, but it is not so. There are a lot of people, people like me, that are happy with the way Foon is being run at last. If you're so happy with how Foon's being run, why are you learning new words like glibly? I have for too long been condescended to by the people sitting around this table. I now in this new regime have a voice and I'm learning to use it by reading all kinds of things.

I suppose. Crazy Jared. Yes? I had such high hopes for thee. I remember when you were just a boy running around the tavern spitting cats out of your mouth bringing drinks to tables making food for

old Otak Barleyfoot. You were such a promising young lad and it makes me sad to see how far you've strayed from the light everyone talks things like that but was anyone really sad did anyone really take a pretty big interest in the boy running around exactly exactly let me ask you a point a hypothetical uh Crazy Jared. If you were to ever die, goddesses forbid, if you were to ever die, would the cats inside you also die?

Would they continue to spring forth from your dead body? What's the math there? I can only imagine that for some time the cats would emerge. Maybe all the cats. I don't know how many there are. How many have come out of you since you were born If you had to put a number on it Over four four hundred over four Lot of cats it's a lot and then you think they'll just keep growing like hair and toenails after you die

That's weird is that where all cats come from Hmm. Hmm. That's weird. Is that where all cats come from? Who can say? Are you the source of all cats? Are you the source of all cats? I've never seen a cat come from anywhere else.

Neither have I. What? Why have you never been called the Catman? That's a good name. Crazy Jared the Catman? Well, when you string all that together, it doesn't sound great, but... Crazy Jared the Catman. The Catman.

Yeah, that should be your signature line. I'm the Catman. Who's the Catman? I'm the Catman. I'm the Catman. Hey, Crazy Jared, would you mind giving us just a moment? I have something I want to say

to Usador and Chunt. Of course. But Crazy Jared is never far away. Okay. Maybe we should kill Crazy Jared. Thank you. Yeah, I feel like that's the deal. I wasn't on board.

Hearing him at, that was brutal. I feel like we should kill him. But here's the thing. Otak, our friend who runs the tavern, he always trusted Blemish for some reason. He thought it was important to always give him a chance, and I feel really bad if we killed Blemish. Otok had a heart larger than most.

He saw the good in Blemish, as once we all did and did hope for him to embrace the light that was within him, for it is within all of us to be good or evil. Aye, it is not a foregone conclusion that you are good or that you are evil. It is a decision that each of us must make. Wait, okay, so maybe we'll have to kill Crazy Jared. Except for Orcs, Orcs are all evil.

But maybe can we try one thing first? I think maybe if we sneak into the basement, we can find something to blackmail Crazy Jared with. Like all those bags of flour that he was having sex with down there? How are we going to blackmail him with bags of flour? And if he had sex with them, they're not bags of flour anymore. They're bags of dough. All right. So we're going to kidnap these bags of dough.

That's a ransom situation, not a blackmail situation. Look, guys, like all of our plans, I've only figured out the first half sentence of what we're going to do. Perfect. But if we can sneak into the basement and get those bags or find something that we can use against Crazy Jared, then maybe we don't have to kill him. Also, if we killed him people would know well the blackmail requires that someone have shame sure something that they don't want people to find out about so what would crazy jared the cat man not want people to know I'm the Catman And you're eating for no one but me Catman

Crazy Jared, you heard what we were discussing. Arnie was telling us that this episode is going to be a musical episode. And we decided to let you go nuts. I would love to go nuts. Because everything's coming a, Blemish. Everything's coming up, Blemish. This time for me. Where did he get that Canaan top hat?

He is really working. For me. For me. I mean, he should be ashamed of this, but I don't think he is. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah. Blemish, I'm going to ask you one time. Were you a musical theater major?

I was a musical theater major. I was. That's our in. Guys, that's our in. Is that the thing we blackmail him with? Of course. What more loathsome choice could one make in one's life? I'm folding up my robelets, picking up my long dick, cooking up my feet, my rooster.

I'm looking at my friends here. Making spiced potatoes. Ready to serve the Dark Lord. Because it's blemish time and he is all that I've got. I am blemish too. And I'm crazy Jared. You know that I am crazy Jared too. And so Blemish is

folding up his roblets. Guys, guys, guys, I've changed my mind. I fucking love this. Look. And he's singing out his heart. Chunt, I think I'm going to have to ask you to do something. Sing with him a duet? Chunt. What?

If you could stay up here with Blemish and get him to keep singing, maybe Usador and I can sneak down into the basement. A distraction. Yeah. Look, I've got these keys to the basement. Oh, I've got those keys too. No, no, that's the keys to the safe. Oh. No, no, I have these.

This is the keys to the safe. This is the keys to the basement. Sainty gave them to me. Oh, gotcha. You stay here with Jared, and we'll go down to the basement. Okay. Hey, from the top. One, two, three, four. Hey, it's

everybody's favorite gang. It's Chunt and Blemish. Chunt and Blemish are the two best friends. Chamish. Chamish. Blunt. Blunt and Blemish. Chunt and Blemish are the two best friends. Chamish. Chamish. Blunt. Blunt and Chamish. All right, grab these microphones.

We gotta get out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're two of a kind. One of us is blunt. One of us is blind. One of us is hard of hearing. We're picking up our long dicks off the floor. We're ready for the magic feeling.

That magic feeling. That magic feeling that I have for you. That I have for you. That you have for me. Me. It's a magic feeling. Can't you see? I can't believe he missed being set up to rhyme with Chunso blatantly at the beginning.

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Binge all 10 episodes of Academy early and ad-free on Wondery+. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Well, in that case, Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th.

Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. I think you should know Black is beautiful And when we're together, we're unlimited. Quickly. Yeah. Follow me into the basement while they're singing. Yeah. Together we're unlimited.

Hold on, I'll call this one. Together we can face our troubles now. If you hear me now. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah How do you measure The number of cats That come out of your mouth A number of cats I cannot believe we've never gone in the basement before. I've been in the basement, it's been decades, but I was down here before.

Oh, cow, it is really dusty down here. Yes, it's very, very dirty. Blemish doesn't do... Crazy Jared doesn't do a fabulous job of cleaning. It's not one of his forte's. Oh, my God, there's so much old orc shit down here. There's a lot of orc shit. There's a lot of orc shit. There's a lot of orc shit.

Yeah, well, let's see. Are we still looking for something to shame, blemish with so we can blackmail him? I guess so. I've gotta be honest, I didn't fully think out this plan. Like, I just was like, we'll go down to the basement and something will become clear. Aye, something shall present

itself. Aye, for now that fate has fallen into our lap, we must follow where it shall lead. Aye, something shall present itself. Aye, for now that fate is fallen into our lap, we must follow where it shall lead. Aye, lead on, Arnold, and we shall find the evidence we need to undo the darkness that blemishes left upon our doorstep. Yeah. Hey, there's a bunch

of spices over here. A lot of spices. Have they been holding back the spices? Yeah, I thought that there was a spice embargo from Migos, but there's just like a lot of fucking spices down here. They're hoarding spice. Oh, well, I don't know if that will work. I don't think that will embarrass him enough, but it's good to know.

Yeah. Let's see here. There's a bunch of some paint over here, and there's just some rags. Here's a small metal tube. I'm not familiar with this. Looks like something from your world, honestly. There's a little button on it. Ah!

Look at that little red dot on the floor. How did that little red dot get here? Wait, why is there a laser pointer down here? What? What are you talking about? There was a little red dot on the floor. Yeah, it came from the tube. No, I didn't.

There's nothing in between this and the tube. Yeah, it is both a miraculous piece of science and also kind of not really useful. Oh, well, that sounds like... Like, unless you just want to float a little red dot around. Sounds like most things from your world. Oh, I see now. When I push the button, the red dot appears. Yeah.

I'm going to try to catch it. No, you sir. What? You sir, Yeah. I'm going to try to catch it. No, Usador. What? Usador, no. I want to put it back in here. No, you can't. Usador, focus. Focus.

Sorry. Sorry. You know, they're not going to be singing up there forever. In fact, maybe they're already done. Oh, let me poke my head up and see. No, they're still going at it. Yeah, that's going to be going on for a while. We got some time.

Oh, look. I didn't know this stuff was down here. It's a lot of those weapons that we bought from that kobold trash. Oh, yes, yes. This is a bone seed. I gave him a lot of money for a bunch of bags of weapons. Let's see what's in them. I never had a chance to go through them all. Let's see. Here's an. I never had a chance to go through them all. Let's see.

Here's an axe. Oh, that's good. Strong, sturdy axe. Yeah, that's good. A lot of these things just look like cups and empty tins. Yeah. Seems like I bought a lot of trash. Yeah, a lot of this was bad.

It was a bad idea. That's probably how he got his name. It might be. Oh, and worst of all, it's that stupid fucking bowl thing that didn't make any sense. Where, like, if you get someone to pour water into it, you drink and then drown in it. That is the most brilliant of all the traps. Aye, for you leave a bowl out and someone says, I should put some water in that bowl. No one's ever going to do that.

No, yeah, here's the thing. It's like keeping a gun in the house. It's not going to protect you, and probably what's going to happen is you're going to accidentally put water in your gun and then drown in it. Hello? Hello? Who's there?

Is there someone down here? It's you, sir. All wizards of the 12th level of Ephesians. Master of light and shadow. Manipulator of magical delights. Devourer of chaos. Champion of the great old Zoltrakas. The elves and we as Vianngok.

The doors and we as Sotanuk. And I'm Arnie. Is it Flemish? Is he with you? Yes, he's with us. Uh, sure. He is my husband. Oh, no.

What? I am 52 sacks of flour. Oh, a series of sacks of flowers down here? Yes. He brought 52 sacks of flour to life. I don't know how to feel about... No, I do know how to feel about that. It's...

Sad. Yeah. Disturbed. All these things are correct. Don't feel sad for me. I'm as happy as a lark down here. How do you know Blemish? He's the only living thing I've ever seen.

He's our best friend. Yeah. Best friend we've ever had. Oh, then we are friends. Yeah, we're just down here looking for... Is it time to kiss? No. Is it time to kiss now?

No. I kiss you. No, thank you. Kiss you each. No. Come closer. No, no, no. Hold. Is it time to kiss now? No. I kiss you. No, thank you. Kiss you each. Come closer. No, hold. It's back, back. Come closer.

What we'd like to do right now is talk about all the embarrassing things about Blemish that we all three already know. Why don't you go first? Oh, he does make my heart giggle. I don't have a heart. I have one sack of flour. But it giggles when I think of him. He has webbed toes.

Did you know that? Webbed toes. I said not know that. I don't think that's... I don't think that's gonna... Yeah, it's not gonna do it. He loves to sing and dance. He loves to sing and dance for me.

He's singing right now. Here, let me open the trap door. Well, well, well, what do you know? It's Chunt and Blemish looking out for one another. Chunt and Blemish like no other. Like no other. He's like my brother. A brother from another mother.

Mother. That's my love. I love him. And... Well, you know what? I'm kind of glad that somebody loves him. Yes, it's good. It's weird. It's weird.

It's weird. You're weird. Yes, I can see how I would be weird to someone who doesn't know me, but I'm just me. Have you ever wanted to be more than a sack of flour? Oh, yes. More than 52 sacks of flour? Oh, every day. I've never been out of this basement.

Would you like to come out of the basement? Up to you guys, I guess. Oh, come here. Yeah. Excuse us for a moment. I'm sorry, do you have a name? Not really, no. Okay, well, it's weird. It's 52 sacks of flour. Excuse us for a moment. Do you, I'm sorry. Do you have a name? Not really. No.

It's weird. 52 sacks of flour. We could call her flour. Oh wait, no, we already have someone named flour. Excuse us for a moment. 52 sacks of flour.

Yeah. What if, hear me out. Yeah. We don't murder blemish. I do a brain switch. Okay. I put blemish's brain into the flower sacks.

Sure. And I put 52 Sour Flax brain into blemish's body. Sure. This very sweet, impressionable young lady seems like she would

certainly join the forces of good. You would think so. You would hope. Yeah. Can you just do that all this time? Yeah, yeah.

Let me ask real quick. Are you aligned with the forces of good? What is bad? Terrific. Hey, look. No, but Usador, think about it. Just because someone doesn't know the concept of good and evil doesn't mean that they're good. I would take that as actually being a worse thing.

Good point. Excuse me. 52 sacks of flour? Yes. If there was a puppy. Yes. Do you know what a puppy is? I love them. Okay, if there was a puppy. Yes. And there was a rock. Okay. Hanging over the puppy. Ooh. About to fall.

Won't someone save that puppy? Would you save that puppy? Is it in my power? Anything you wish to accomplish is within your power. Of course I would save the puppy. Wow. Wait, wait. Okay, no.

Excuse us. I've got one. I think. 52 sacks of flour. Yes. If every day at noon a magic man came to your door and offered you $1,000, but you had to be home to answer that door every day at noon, and if you ever missed it, of that money disappeared would you do it

would i be home to answer the door every day at noon the magic man for a thousand dollars a day yeah sure okay dollars are a form of currency upon the planet of earth i just assumed it was a good thing to get them yeah is that just about just about my reliability? Yeah, I don't know. It's just a question I like. Someone asked me at a party once. I'm reliable. I'm always here. It seems pretty obvious.

Yeah, I mean, you've fucking lived in the same place all your life, so I guess. Stay home at noon and get the money and then enjoy the rest of the evening. Yeah. Sure. Sleep from 1 to 9 and then go out and rock the town. I would love to. We have a proposal for you. Yeah.

I'm pretty much game for anything. We understand that you love Blemish, or as we know him, Crazy Jared. Mm-hmm. What if you could be him? Would that interest you? Oh, of course. And he was you.

Sure. For a while. I'm listening. I propose that you become... Okay. Blemish. I'm already in. Oh, okay, great. I'm going to switch your that you become blemished. I'm already in. Oh, okay, great.

I'm going to switch your brains. And we're going to keep him here in the basement where you've been staying. And you're going to go out and experience the entire world. I've experienced so little. I'm game for anything and everything. Oh, wonderful. Do you want a name? Do you want a real name?

I wouldn't mind one. What would you call 52 sacks of flour animated by the Dark Lord to be betrothed and live with in unwedded harmony in the basement of the Vermilion Minotaur with blemish? A tragedy. Then you can call me Tragedy. Tragedy. Just call me Trag. Trag, you will have to pass yourself off as blemish though. How about Gina?

Gina's got a nice ring to it. Gina does have a nice ring. I like Gina. Yeah. Gina just sounds better than T a nice ring to it. Gina does have a nice ring. I like Gina. Gina sounds better than trash. Gina it is. Gina. Gina, it is a pleasure to meet you. It is a pleasure to meet you. Very well then. I shall begin the incantation.

I still can't believe you could do this all this time and you've never mentioned it before. This is really powerful. I'm going to solve a lot of problems with this spell. What? Where am I? You're in the basement. What? You're in the sacks of flour. What are the...

I can barely move. What? Zonin and Hyuk's tangies. Arnold. Yeah, it's... What have you done? I have traded your brain with Gina. Who the fuck is Gina?

Your wife, who you imprisoned down here and created out of 52 sacks of flour, and didn't even bother to give her a name. What manner of evil being does such a terrible thing? I hadn't gotten around to it. I have set her free, and now she resides within thine body. What? And she shall be a force of good. Aye, she shall save

every puppy she doth encounter, and she shall help us overcome the dark lord. I hate puppies. I love cats. I can't move. I can't move these sacks of flour. No, and you won't be able to. You live down here in the basement.

Curse you, Sodor and Extendius. How do you even have magic left? How do I have magic left? Maybe I never lost it. Boom. I did lose it for a little while. Yeah, it's more complicated than that. Yeah, there's more lost it. Boom. I did lose it for a little while. Yeah, it's more complicated than that. Yeah, there's more to it than that. It would have taken a lot longer to, it's not as pithy

to explain what really happened. It sounded awesome when I said, maybe I never lost it. I was going to scream, I was going to do it. My secret is I'm always angry. You know, it's like that. What? I don't want to talk about Earth stuff. Curse you, Zonanen. And you, Arnold. Curse you. I will find some way

to haul these sacks of flour up and inform the Dark Lord of all that has happened here. But Usador, this is so much better. We didn't have to kill Crazy Jared, and now we freed the 52 sacks of flour and she can live her life. I'm gonna go check upstairs.

Okay, she's up there stabbing fucking philosophy guy. Just like stabbing him. She's just like stabbing and stabbing him. Yeah. Wait, wait, let me look at... Take that.

Take that. Okay, also, she killed Fleek. Oh. She just slit his throat. Oh, let me change them back. Hello. Oh, 52 sacks of flour.

Gina. I got what I wanted. I did everything I was sent here to accomplish. Oh, Gina. What were you sent here to accomplish? The death of the philosophy guy in Flick. Oh. Such a strange mission.

It really is. I didn't know they were even a little bit important. Who knows why things are the way they are, but I was animated by the Dark Lord. We've really fucked up. That's really disappointing. Very sad, Gina. I'm very... I want you to know I'm very disappointed in you. I'm a little disappointed in myself.

We just can't have a happy ending, can we? Well, Arnold, what do you think we should do then? I don't... I don't know. Stand back from my 52 sacks of flour. Gina. No, it's blemish.

No, Gina's the name of the 52 sacks of flour. She has a name. You can call me 52 sacks of flour. Gina. No, it's blemish. No, Gina's the name of the 52 sacks of flour. She has an A. You can call me 52 sacks of flour. Gina was just a ruse to get you to animate me. My love. What magic do you have now? And how can I inform the Dark Lord of it? What magic do I have now?

Yes, I'm returning up to the top part of the Vermillion Minutes. Ransom tail form. Release me! Nay, I shall not. And here, I've got a bone seed. I'm gonna plant this bone seed in a cemetery, and it has a 1 in 10 chance of giving us a monkey bone. Ouch!

You've pricked me with your bone seed. Oh, I'm... I'm spilling. Oh, no. I'm spilling out. 52 sacks of flour. I'm spilling. I'm spilling. Oh, no. I'm spilling out. 52 sacks of flour. I'm spilling. I'm spilling. Gina.

I'm spilling. I'm so sorry that you're dying. I'm spilling. I wish I could have saved you. I'm spent. Goodbye, Gina. No! Zola Lev!

You have taken from me my freedom. You have taken from me my freedom. You have taken from me my life, and you have now taken from me the wife that the Dark Lord didst give to me in exchange for opening the portal and releasing him upon Foon. I have taken these things from thee, and I shall take more yet even still. I curse you. I curse you with everything that I have. I cannot move. Yeah, you with everything that I have. I cannot move. Yeah, you can't.

I'm sorry, Blumish. You can't do anything to us. I curse you, Arnold. I curse you all. Let me free. Suck on that cat. He's spinning on you. He's spinning on you. I've been cats. ant cats are terrible. I've got to stop this thing from getting me.

Lock it somehow. Here, wait. Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm drinking. Oh, my God. The bowl. I'm drinking.

Oh, Crazy Jared, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I just grabbed the bowl. I'm drinking. You spit into the bowl. He's drowning in it. Oh, he's drowning in his own saliva. Oh, this is awful.

I just never thought that bowl would fucking do anything. Well, I knew it would be incredibly useful someday. What are the odds? They're worse than even getting a monkey bone. Attend the tale of Blemish the dwarf. He served the Dark Lord with himself.

He gave it all in service of death. But death caught him himself in the end. It's Blemish, the half-dwarf who loved Otak. Wait, what?

What? Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, no. What? Was he mad that whole time because he loved Otak Barleyfoot?

I mean, Otak seemed really nice to him. But what are we going to do now that we killed Blemish? We're going to get in trouble. Should we tell the guards? We could tell them it's an accident. They'll never believe that. Chunt may be able to help us with the cover story briefly,

but they would look into it and find out. No, we must replace Blemish with a doppelganger of some kind. I could probably reanimate something down here to be Blemish. Take his place. Maybe. Unless you want to take turns doing it. I could probably reanimate something down here to be blemish. Take its place. Maybe. Unless you want to take turns doing it. I don't know. I've been... You don't have a good blemish impression? Oh, let me see.

Hello. I'm blemish. And I'm very angry about something. Blah, cats. Hey. Oh, yes. I'm blemish. And I fucked a bunch of flour, and I've been evil for a long time, but then every once in a while I sing for no reason. I'm Blemish, and I'm very happy to be singing at last, letting out the secret song of my soul, and finally being able to reach the Dark Lord's goal. I'm Blemish, and I love the Dark Lord so much.

I think the Dark Lord is so cool. I'm stupid, and my dad's butthole died a year before my dad died. I'm so glad he's dead. Yes, I'm glad he's dead, too. It is sad, though. But, yeah, he was fucking the worst. It's working. I know, I know.

We do all of this without a writer's room. But, of course, none of that really happened. Spencer Tracy once said, Never let them see you acting. Consider then the performance equivalent of a fireworks laser show on a bank of screens in a Best Buy, as provided by Matt Young as Usador. Chunt the Flamingo was played by Adol Refai, with his signature level of flamethrgy.

Martin Wilson again? What are they, trapped in the studio? Martin played Blemish and the 52 Sacks of Flower. I know, right? Welcome to Irrelevance, Andy Serkis. And farewell, Martin. Someday your children will have bullies in school. And it's only a matter of time before they find this podcast.

Craig, help. Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie Niekamp, Evan Chicover, and Ryan D. Georgie. This one edited by Chris Rafchin. Music by Andy Poland. Logo by Allard Laban. Craig, help. But first, Hello from the Magic Tavern has some live shows coming up. We'll be performing at the comedy stage at the Outside Lands Music Festival in San Francisco on Friday, August 11th. You can find out more about that at sfoutsidelands.com. And we're also doing a show as part of New York Comic Con on October 7th. You don't have to have Comic Con tickets to get into it. Get more info at newyorkcomiccon.com slash nycc-presents. Really rolls off the tongue. You can also get links to both of those shows at

alofromthemagictavern.com and, you know, click the live shows tab and link you right there. Thanks again to Withholder, or WT Holder on Twitter for the audio we played at the top of the show and don't forget if you post a video of yourself telling people to listen to the show or explaining what the show is about and use

the hashtag Trezistence or the hashtag Magictavern, we might play listen to the show or explaining what the show is about and use the hashtag Trezistence or the hashtag Magic Tavern, we might play it on the show too, like this one from at Dunwich Joy. Do you want to experience some sweet, sweet Shadden Foyer? If so, listen to Hello from the Magic Tavern, the sad, sad story of a mysterious man up in a satellite who failing to do his job of keeping the dimension separated, relying on clones, robots, and insult comedy to convince us that everything in this podcast is not real. Just give it a listen. Thanks.

Dunwich joy. Thanks for the Chicago podcast co-op. And as always, thanks to earwolf.