Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 20 - King Krom

Episode Date: July 31, 2017

Krom the warrior is back, but he's been moving up in the world.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungKrom the Fingarian: Mark LogsdonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early and ad-free, on Wondery Plus. The following podcast is not real. And why have a trained voice artist introduce the show when we can energize the fanbase and give the chance to some random gifted in their ability to operate their phone? Please enjoy this audio from Addison Crows Twitter video as she guides you to distant and not real other realms. I'm on my run right now listening to you Hello from the Magic's Heaven and wherever you

get your podcasts you should listen to Resistance! Hello from the Magic Tambourn! A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arnie Neekham. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is what's going on. About two years and sixish months ago don't hold me to that, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of fune. Unfortunately, it's being taken over by the Dark Lord, who is an imprisoned me and my co-hosts on our forcing us to continue to do this podcast which we enjoy.

Here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the prison town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon. Whew, that's a lot of stuff. And I'm joined as always by my co-captus and co-hosts and just good buds. Chun, the talking badger. Bing dong, how you doing bud? I'm doing pretty good. How are you doing?

I'm doing okay. Okay. Just, I spent a little bit of time in the basement again this week. Not to bring up a sensitive subject. We shouldn't be going down there. You said not to go down there. You said to play cool and not go down there.

I know. I don't want to draw attention to the fact that we accidentally killed Blumish down there and nobody knows about it yet. It's probably haunted by 52 sacks of flour. Yes, we also accidentally killed 52 sentient sacks of flour. 52 sentient sacks of flour. 52 sentient sacks of flour. 52 sentient sacks of flower. 52 Centi and Sax of flower. 52 Centi and Sax of flower.

52 Centi and Sax of flower. 52 Centi, that one's a tough one. That is a very real like that a lot. I like it, but it's difficult. You're welcome theater nerds. Oh yeah, we're also a joint by this guy who's not quite Tussador. Ugh, I'm Tussador.

Thank you, Ellie. Well, what's the point of even saying my whole damn name anymore? There's a Tussado out there. It was also Yusidoa. Yeah. Can you be that mad that there's another Yusidoa? Are there several Arne's on Earth?

You know what? There are a couple Arne's on Earth, I think. I actually met one once, and I was really unhappy about it. You get used to your name being you. Thank you. Also, he seemed like an Arnie, you know? Oh, I know what you mean. I know exactly how that goes. He seemed like an Arnie.

Yeah. Guys, I have a little bit of hot goss. Hot goss. Some hot goss from the guards. From the guard rock cafe. Sling that goss, a little gossling. I ain't Ryan. Lion.

Well, the hot goss is the guards. There's a bit of a scandal. Oh. Because the guards were told by the Dark Flo Lord to set up these hanging stations where we're supposed to intimidate the people of Hawkspace. Yeah. Where if they get out of line, they'll be publicly hanged. Oh, I know.

But we went to publicly hang someone and the noose immediately broke. So the Dark Lord knows that some of the guards have been putting out into the either fake noose. Fake noose? Yeah, there's been a lot of fake news. Wow. And the Dark Lord is upset. I think it's Tatto's snake.

It's Tatto's snake, but I'll be honest, there's an old llama who's getting a lot of the blame. Thanks old llama. I've heard a little bit about this. The worst thing about the fake news is that there are a lot of people who are putting real nooses around their neck and rolling their eyes and saying,

oh, fake news and then killing themselves. You've seen that happen? I've seen that happen repeatedly in town. The worst part is watching them up on that stand with the fake noose around their neck, while they're decrying it, knowing that it's going to hurt them the most. Yeah, different things mean different things. It's insane time to be alive. Wow, the wall! Watch out! Yeah. Different things mean different things. It's insane time to be alive. Whoa!

Wow, the wall! What the fuck? Watch out, God. Whoa! Arnie, jump! You should've heard. Crap! Crap!

You got our message. Yes. What's the deal? What's the what? That was the message we sent. We told Mumu to say, what's the deal? We've got to send better messages. There's no character limit on the messages

We can send why did we send such a short ambiguous message? Oh, no you smashed fleek. Oh, no What crom you killed beloved tavern to well or fleek? I think this man is dead. Oh Did crom do that? Okay fleeks been dead for a while Juicidore we were saying we weren't going to tell more people about this stuff. We can tell Crom. Crom's a friend! Look, even if he has been dead for a while, there's a chance that I did it. Oh, Crom.

We made you digest a lot in a short amount of time. We are sorry. Yeah, sorry. I just brin in here. I'm covered in blood. Yeah. You just smashed a crom shaped hole through the side of the tower. Yeah, well, it sounded like you really needed me. So I came running through, but all of these awful nasty creatures

were attacking me in Hogs face. It looks like you killed several orcs on your way through here. I started spinning like a tornado with two clubs in my hand. A club dado. Okay. Sure. A club.

Yeah, it looks like there's some dead orcs and some dead townsfolk. Oh. Pretty indiscriminate. Killing, I would say. This is awful. It's like... When I'm not being extremely violent, I define myself as being completely non-violent.

You are a sweetheart. We like you a lot, Crom. Well, I like you guys too. That's why I wanted to get here and tell you there hasn't been a deal yet. Oh good. Yeah. What's the deal? There's no deal. So no deal. Yeah. Well, thank you for- You're asking about the deal that Fingaries trying to strike with the other nations. Oh, there might be a deal between Fingarian and the other nations.

Let me, uh, explain, Crom. Deal or no deal? Maybe also wondering why I'm wearing such a fancy helmet. Oh yeah, that is quite the helmet. What is a fancy helmet? I am the current King of Fingeria. Welcome to the King's Club. Well, yes, I didn't mean to be King, but it's nice to meet a fellow King. We can start a new insane Crumb Posse.

I love that. So Crumb, you're the new warrior king of Fingeria? Yes. Once a year, we hold an event in a giant sand pit in Fingeria. And if you're challenged by the king of Fingeria to a fight and he is defeated, then you become the king. Wow. Yeah, it's the sand pit clause.

Just part of it? I usually don't believe in sandpit clause. Well, it's not an every nation, but in Fingeria there's definitely a sandpit clause. Talk us through this fight. Well, as you know, I define myself as non-violent. Yeah, except for the fact, almost every time we see you accidentally kill lots of people. When you're not killing, you're very passive. That's exactly right.

When I'm not in the act of killing someone, I wouldn't hurt a fly. Yeah, but you know what, Berserkers gonna Berserk. I guess that's true. So what happened? Who, the king of Fingeria challenged you specifically to a fight? Well, he challenged a lot of us and he defeated a lot of us. And then when it came to be my turn, I said, I will not fight you. I stood completely still.

And then the king started kind of trying to goad me into fighting, he was getting the audience really ramped up running around. Yeah, waving his arms in the air. Waving him around, did he have a hype man? That's just like yelling the year out loud? He, yes, well. Can someone remind me what year it is in food?

48372. Sounds right. In the Hungarian calendar, it's only calendar. It's only 18 it's only 18 in Fingeria when we get to 100 we started at the beginning oh I see you just flipping around yeah so we're on 18 right now sear kingdom is barely legal that's exactly right yeah we do a lot of barely legal things so yeah I get to roll up with King thing yeah and he's running around, hyping up the crowd, and he's holding a mace in his hand, and as he's hyping them up, he accidentally conquers himself on his helm.

I go over to help him up, and he furiously frustrates, shoves me off, his helm spins around, he can't see. He comes charging, and he runs into a wall. And you're waiting for the kill. Well, no, then, I still try to help. Oh, geez. Did he step on a rake? Were you at the event? No, I'm just taking a guess.

Yes, there happened to be a rake on the ground. He stepped on it, smashed him in the nose. Then you went in for the kill. Absolutely not. At this point, I'm saying, please stop moving. I'm baking him to just stay still. He's created so much dust that I sneeze. And I do headbutt him extremely hard.

I did smash his skull completely. Then you went in for the kill. At that point, he was dead. I think I went in for the kill on the sneeze. Well done, Crom. Well, my leash, I should say, King Crom. Oh, please, you're making me blush all over my exposed body. Well, there's so much blood all over your body right now that it's really hard to tell.

Yeah, you can't tell that you're plus your body. Thank you, Arnie. Thank you. That means a lot. Risenpeace, King, Long live the King. Thank you. Until, I guess I have to challenge someone. Well, saying I allowed it really sounds like a ticking clock. Yeah. Huh. Anyway, you asked what the deal that Fingarian is trying to strike with the other nations?

Yeah. Quite simply, we're trying to reach a climate deal. A climate deal? A climate deal. Yeah. Native Fingarians know that the topography is constantly changing. It is? Sure.

Yeah. New mountains come, old mountains go. So whenever a new, highest peak in a fune comes about, someone needs to climb it. Sure. So we're trying to work out a deal of exactly which nation is about. So we have to change up who climbs it.

It's a climate change. Exactly. Well, some people don't agree. That's the problem. Some people don't believe there should be any, or that there is any climate change, but believe me, it changes. Look around.

I imagine that there was a new mountain range and no one had climbed it yet. I, some mountain that had just sprung out the ground and no one had scaled it. What a tragedy that would be honored. So, Kram, you're now King of Fingeria. Correct. And besides working out this climate deal,

like what he had to do is king. Mostly it's getting people pretty psyched about fingerier. Oh really? Like fingerier appreciation week. Yeah, we try to do. Yeah, we do a fingerier appreciation week. I'm trying to start more of a get to know your local wildlife initiative.

Oh, because you like fingering bears. You chucked on your water there, okay? Sorry. So's just... It's not... I didn't mean to be so blunt, I just know of it. Yeah, well... In the past, you've really enjoyed... Now that I am a leader of my nation, I'm really trying to put my past behavior and incidents

behind me. That must be hard because your land is called Fing area, which doesn't leave a lot to the imagination. Sure, yeah. It's pretty on the nose. And we do have a fingering holiday, although it's a different kind of fingering. Oh really? Yes. What kind of fingering is it? It's more of like a finger play. Finger play? Like what are you doing with your hands there? What's that?

You two my fingers is a different character. It's telling a story. Oh, it's a different play. Okay. Is there always 10 characters in a fingering? Because I seems like a lot. That seems like that maybe sometimes wouldn't fit. Well, there's usually eight characters. Wow, I would start with two and go from that. And two little short little tech guys. You know, Krom, I hate to put you out of the spot, but we always do.

I'd love to see one of these finger banks. Great, okay. Well, and warm us up a little bit. Yeah, don't just start with a finger bank. We're all familiar familiar. I think with the story of the emerald and chanter. Oh, yes, very well known story Okay, sure. So this is a fingering take on us that story. Okay Hello Chizai Nathan or I am

Just created the largest emerald in all the lands. So just some backstory here for Arnie. Oh, I love Nathor. I played Nathor in great school. Oh really? He creates most of the precious gemstones. Oh, okay, that's awesome. Here, I shall hide over here. Oh, this emerald is so heavy.

I will give it to you three other people standing next to it. Oh, more fingers popped up. This is Lexor, Tymore, and Pinky. They all have names that end with Morks, except for Pinky. Oh, Pinky. As the legend goes. Yeah.

Boy, I better hide this large general before my nemesis. The gem eater, Rohrnath, finds it. Oh no, no. Oh, evil Rohrnath. Here comes Rohrnath. Oh, Rohrnath is on an entirely different hand. Oh, he's nasty. And a quick sit change. Oh, the tech guys. Look at those little tech guys. Oh, look at those tech guys. There's no tiny. There's no little jumps. Change this stream over here. Oh, if there was ever a time that I wished we had a video

version of this podcast, it's now. Of all the things, dear listener, that you could have seen in this magical world. I wish you could see those thumbs go. One of the most interesting things in the Fingarian interpretation of this well-known foodian legend is that Pinkie was played by an index finger. I thought that was fascinating.

That's a weird choice. Yeah, unique casting. We like to cast against type Shall I continue? Please! Oh yes. So I've said change. Rohanath is now on the stage. Yeah, evil Rohanath. Hmm. Rohanath hungry. I smell a large... A mord?

Rornaeth eats gems, he's one of the gemmiers. He's always hungry for gems. And I assume he can smell them. What? I assume he can smell them. Yeah. He just said he could smell them. That's why.

Hmm, minions, please find it. Oh! The minions are really adorable. You can't understand what they're saying sometimes, but they usually have some sort of goggle or suspenders on Roar Lex Roar time and Pinky number two

Pinky number two the playwright famously ran out of names. Oh sure. So he doubled down Find the gem so that I may eat it. Oh here comes Nathan or Nathan or Radath Oh Oh, here comes Nathor. Nathor, Rornath. Ugh. Ugh. Oh my gosh, this is riveting. They're not making out, they're fighting. Oh, it looks like they're making an epic battle. Ugh.

Oh, that looks, okay, there. Is that 69ing? That is not fighting. Did they shoot a gun or something? What was that? What's a gun? I don't want to talk about her stuff. Famously, of course, Nathor, headbutts,

Rornath, and kills him. Oh, they have. With a headbutt. Only one person lived. Which one? Which finger? Arnie, which one? Oh, I don't know. What finger? Which one?

Which one? Oh, that's weird. Oh, Pinky and Pinky too. Pinky and Pinky too lived. That's right. The moral of the story is that Rornath and Nathors each had greed for the emerald in their own way.

One is the crater and the other is the consumer. And so they're greed cancels each other out. The other fingers cancels each other out and pinkies being the cutest and most lovable of all of the evil henchmen slash minions get romantically involved. Oh, that was absolutely amazing.

Wonderful. You should be, I mean, wonderful fingering, but you should also consider being a cocktailer. What's that? Can you explain? You could win a tosser. Have you a rematch Tom the Traveler? No, I have not. Oh, he's a wonderful lesbian that we know who isn't related to the Bellaroths.

And he joined a troop of actors called the Cockticklers. Oh, he's a wonderful Vetsby and that we know who isn't related to the Bellaroths. And he joined a troop of actors called the Cuck ticklers. Oh, I see. Oh, crom if I understand the moral of that play correctly Does Fingeria think it's evil to both create or consume products? Yes, essentially. That's that's you know our economic philosophy. What is the Fingeria's economy even based on? As a production economy, we produce nothing. Sure. And we create absolutely nothing. You can find that to be just a completely important behavior.

Which is why we raid other villages and take what they have. Oh, I see. But they have to create something. Somebody somewhere along the line has to create things. As long as it's not us, we're fine with it. It seems a little sketchy. But then, you know, we feel terrible because then we're the consumers.

Oh, wow. So we're all even louder. This is cool, yeah. Then we tend to burn those villages and pretend like they never existed. And then who consumed what? Because that village never existed. Wow.

Also, I thought I saw Cockroach Climb coming in the door, and then as soon as you said, raid, he took off. Really? I don't know what that was about. Cockroach Climb is a terrifying God here in the prison town of Hogg's face. He's a giant Cockroach with cloud makeup. His name leaves nothing to the imagination!

Crime, I always forget that you come from a culture that is kind of terrible, if you don't mind my saying. It's pretty barbaric. Yeah, and you're one of the like nicer people I've met on this world. I know it sounds terrible just to hear it, but I implore you. Come to Fingaria, spend some time there. This is just you as the king trying to bolstertourism. Absolutely not.

Yes, do we have a great tourist trade and wonderful sites to see, but no This is just a for-arty and anyone in the Vermilion Minotaur looking to take a vacation. Aha Trapped in thine own trap. Ha ha ha ha ha ha you create Commers through travel Well well well. It's true. So let me ask you something with the three of us We eventually get to Fingeria. We're traveling. We're spending money.

We're eating local. What if one of us gets challenged by the king? By you. Oh. To fight. To the death. Does that happen to tourists? Do you have to be a barbequeer and to fight?

Or can it be anyone? Yes, it might happen to you, but it's part of our tourist trade is to just kind of do a reenactment of a sand pit duel. Oh, I've been to Fingere for this and it's just wonderful. That sounds kind of sad. People dressing up to reenact Fingere in battles. Oh no, it's really fun. They sit you down and they say,

they care some food. This is the same food that they would have eaten back then when we first started doing the sand pits. Of course, they have, you know, modern drinks and things, but It's really fun and they come out in the king fights and you watch it all. Usidor has done it several times. Oh yes, we made him an offer to join the company. Oh yes, fingering times. I love it.

That's offer is still good, Usidor. Well, I... Trust me, I think about it from time to time. But I have one purpose here. And one purpose alone, and in that purpose purpose be to defeat the dark Lord of food and etc etc. That's right. I've totally gotten drawn into this finger play that I forgot that Crom we want your help to defeat the book club. The book club? Oh, I'm sorry. I mean to defeat the dark Lord. La la la la la. But also if you interested, we're gonna have a book club.

But can I read the great Gatsby? Yes, have you heard about it? It's a book from my world. I'm gonna tear up. I've always wanted to be in a book club. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, Crom. But can you read? Well, the club is that we would sit around

and someone would read to each other, right? Is it? I mean, earlier, you said the word goad, which is pretty impressive. I mean, I would love it if that's how the book club work. And also, again, as I said before, I totally can't read. I don't think Arnie or Crom can read, so perhaps I'll have to read aloud to both of you. Don't Jordan Catalano, me.

Who? God! Let's take a quick break. Let's update Crom on what a book club is. Maybe we'll teach him how to read, and we'll come back after these messages. Hello, this is blemish reminding you to come down to the Vermilion Minotaur, where all the drinks are on sale, and the tavern is still totally being controlled by the Dark Lord, and I'm still alive.

I definitely did not accidentally get murdered by a magic ball. So don't worry about old blemish. Nothing weird going on, but I am really, really busy, so if you do not see blemish around as much as you normally do, just don't sweat it. This is how I talk, right? Is this anything like how my voice sounds? Blemish returns. Anyway, yay, Dark Lord!

Go evil! And no need to ask any questions about what I'm up to. I'm just buffing up cats. Blah! Mew, mew! Oh, look who's walking by right now, and there's a different person, and not me doing a voice. It's Arnie. Hello, Arnie, would you like to do another commercial for the podcast?

Oh, sure. Thanks, Blemish, I would. I'll take it from here, Blemish. No need to talk anymore, even though you're totally good because you're not dead. Crom, thank you so much for running all the way from Fingeria. I'm actually kind of surprised you were able to get here so fast. Well, that's the Fingarian and Trot running that got me here.

Trot running. Yeah, we've adapted it from horses and we've used their style where we can sort of run with the speed and grace of a horse. You run all fours? Yeah. Dude, would you mind showing us a little bit of it? Not the budget on the spot, although we always do. We always put you on the spot.

Sure, I mean, sadly, I was my parents when I was a young Hungarian entered me in a lot of competitions where I would show off some of my footwork. So here we go. Ooh, that's nice. Look at that, your size. Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, that's back there. All right, here's nice. Ooh, look at that dressage. Jump on that back there.

Here we go. Whoa! Wee! Whoa! Hiho! Hiho! Lovely. Easy boy, easy boy.

Easy boy. Here's some sugar. Here's some sugar. That was very good. Still not as visually impressive as that finger play. That's true. What else can we have, Crom do? What else?

What else? What's, what's that? Please, I don't want any, I am shy by nature. I don't need, I don't like being a show off. Ah. Crom. Look where you busted through the wall. Oh, I'm so sorry about that.

You're gonna pay for that. I'm so sorry. He's a're gonna pay for that. I'm so sorry. He's a king, he can pay for it now. One of the rocks is crush it open and inside a parchment. What? Pull the parchment out, chump. Quick, grab it!

It's our first clue of one of the secrets here hidden in the Vermillion Minotaur. Our first clue! It's like our seventh or eighth clue. This place is just fucking chock full of clues. Well, this is a specific clue about a specific thing. I, that's what I'm entuing from the anti-universe. Okay, it says, what has a face in hands, but no body or legs?

Clock. Oh, I thought it was gonna be Roger. Oh. That's gonna be Roger, that poor little boy. Oh, that poor little boy. He's just a little face in hands. He's a little face in hands. Do we think it's Roger?

Let's take a, do we think it's a clock?. Do we think it's Roger? Let's take a vote. Do we think it's a clock or do we think it's Roger? I feel like I've got more questions about Roger that I need answered before I can... Let's take this vote first. All hands for Roger. Are the hands connected to his face? Yes. All hands for Roger sounds like it should be a benefit to help Roger.

Arnold, you didn't vote. So it's Roger. I guess we have to crack open Roger. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we have to crack open Roger No, no, no, no, I vote clock I vote clock. Let's see now it's a tie So we have to crack open both no, we have to solve the tie since I put the hole in the wall I'll break open the clock in Roger Inside the clock there's a parchment Creak and trust grab the parchment Read what it says.

I run but have no legs. I have a mouth but no body. I think it is Roger. Or a river. Oh, all right. I was thinking Roger that time. You got it that time. A rager runs through it.

There's a Phoenix named Roger. Roger Phoenix. Roger Phoenix? What does he do? He died. A couple very young boy. I think it is a river in Tom Blaine's riddle, wasn't there a river? Oh, maybe I don't use it or you're the one that remembers the riddle right?

I mean we all remember it but I mean with the odds that there's a riddle with a river and then we just Solved a question that the answer was riddle. How many river riddles could there be? River riddle? What you're doing with that parchment is that reading? Yeah, oh I can read it's having Uh, yeah. Oh, I can read. It's having an acknowledgement of what's going on. Oh, you can read. I didn't read to us from your dream journal before. Yes, yes.

You can read. That's right. You can read. You can read. It's like I can read. I have juries out on that. I cave beneath the orange beast, wonder Weston, three dorsies down and down and down you go.

Until the river starts to glow face to to face with Swamsa McGee. She'll see the breaking of the three below the water, Madmus group, until he finds sweet dependent. So this is a riddle that the Baron is obsessed with because he thinks it will help the dark lord find some kind of weapon hidden in the tavern. Crom and new listeners. Wow.

And we just found a clue that points us back to another clue that we already had. I guess when you put it like that it's crazy. Guys there could be hundreds of redundant clues. Oh, there's something in your chair. There's a person under your chair. Oh, wait, it says see other riddles. Wait, there's something here under all of our chairs. Guys, we got a new cart. Oh my gosh, a new cart! Everyone got a new cart.

You got a new cart, I got a new cart. I can't afford the taxes on a new cart. I think I pulled the legs off the chair I was sitting on. Oh, no, you're gonna have to pay for that chair. It's fine, he's a king to pay for. You keep saying that you're sure but it's not as easy as that. There's a lot of red tape. Well excuse me I thought kings were rich and had all the treasure of their land to spend how I did wish. That's true but literally our treasure is wrapped in red tape. Oh I see. We find it

keeps it secure from other rating Raiders, oh, but you usually do most of the rating you get rated sometimes. Oh sure Well you guys were talking about Raiders cockroach pond stepped in and stepped out several times. Oh wow Yes, he hates Oakland what? Usador, can you say that riddle one more time? I feel like we always get distracted with new clues and new riddles. What if we collectively tried to focus on one thing for as much as 15 seconds? I'm going to say it again from memory very slowly. Arnie's being very extra. A cave beneath the orange beast.

Oh, guys, what if we made a cake? What? Wait, no, no, sorry. That was just a thought I had. Can you say cave or cake? Oh, but yeah, back to the riddle. What if the orange beast is the tavern, the vermilion minotaur? I thought the orange beast was that cat we found the box under.

Oh, guys, what if the orange beast is that cat we found in the tavern? Whoa, that's brilliant. Yeah. Vermilions more of a red, it's kind of a darkest red color. Yeah, things like a deep red. I don't even have orange tint to it. It's more red than orange. Yeah.

One door west and three doors east. So it's probably three doors down. Guys, if I go crazy, kill me. I can only assume that's a reference down and down and down you go Until the river starts to glow. Oh, so we have another clue about the river. What's going? Face to face with swamps McGee. It's a big turtle guy. We all know he's the big We know he's a terrible guy. Pimbley nimble bottom stuff on the game big turtle guy. He's a big turtle guy. We all know he's the big turtle guy. Pimbley nimble bottom. Stomp on the game. Big turtle guy. He's a slam dunker. Shall see the breaking of the three. A number. I think that's us. The breaking of the three. I think

we're gonna get tortured. What? We're gonna get like drawn in quarter. We're gonna break. Couldn't be the goddesses. What if the breaking of the three is one of us telling somebody about us killing all those people? We've already told a lot of people. That's right. We've told too many people. Crom, you're not chiming in. We're giving you so many inroads. I'm still stuck on three doors down. Trying to figure it out. What does that mean?

What does that mean? Hmm. Part of that got me thinking three doors down, you know, like you're going downstairs, like maybe we're supposed to visit a crypt tonight. Visit a crypt tonight! Visit a crypt tonight, oh! Hmm, sounds spooky. Although, well, there is a crypt keeper and he's a bit of an ass. Oh yeah.

He's like a skeleton that cackles. But he loves to laugh. It's scary if you're a kid, but otherwise when you grow up and look back on it, you're like, Meeh. Cram, we were hoping maybe that you could help us out. Was there anything on your long quests with Otock, where he talked about secret things in the tavern or... Oh gosh, it's about all he talked about. Oh really? Details. The legend of the Vermilion Minotaur?

Constantly. The legend of the Vermilion Minotaur? Is that how he named the tavern? Yeah. You remember that Otock told us the legend of the Vermillion Minotaur a long time ago before he went on his quest What is the legend of the Vermillion? Account as his baby is trapped in a forest where it meets eight Vermillion Minotors The Vermillion Minotors

invite the baby into the labyrinth and Then the heavens rain down on the horse's cape. And I believe when the baby went into the labyrinth, it was magic babe and it danced. You know like dance, baby dance. Anyway, Otock would go on and on about this legend and such and such with the horses and the horse's teeth and the basement and this and that and the horse's teeth and the basement. Yeah, the horse's teeth he keeps in the basement. Yeah, the horses do you think he keeps in the basement? Oh, this must be the longer version. I never heard this version. It's the horse and the legend, right?

I gather our horses and the legend. I gotta be honest, I always felt like the legend of the Vermilion Minotaur's otok told it just sounded like a bunch of random things he made up in the moment. You couldn't think of anything specific. Well, if it was made up, boy, he really stuck to it because it was all I heard about on our quest. Horses teeth in the basement. Is it possible the basement is the cave beneath the orange beast? Maybe.

Seems possible, certainly, yes. There's a lot of stuff down in that basement. There is. There's a lot of spice. There's a dead flower lady. Yeah, there's a bowl with a tiny dead blemish in it Which we're not gonna talk about he talked about the teeth giving you some kind of ability to eat literally anything you could want We can't let that kind of power fall into the dark lords hands. I could eat anything. I want to eat we could eat gems Just like I could eat anything I want to eat we could eat gems just like Rorn and horneth guys. I already eat anything I want to eat. It's not a power. It's more of a curse

Well, I guess he said Not eat devour you could devour anything you would want to devour chaos. Well, I could do that No, anyway, I could do that. Well, we do not need more emails asking us how you do that. Oh, well if I had these teeth However, I could finally devour the sky. Is that like a bucket list? Yeah, just so sort of be cool. Like just take a big bite out of the sky, see what happens. See what's behind it.

Have you ever wondered what's behind the sky? No, no. I'm from a world where we know what's behind the sky and although I cannot really explain it because I feel like I understand it on a kind of simple base level, and not really what it means. You're telling me that people on your world know something that our world doesn't. We know a lot of things your world doesn't know. I, or at least our world knows that even if we individually don't really understand it.

We understand it enough to kind of keep going, like a word and a sentence. I find this highly improbable. I am going to get these teeth. I am going to bite the sky and I'm going to see what's behind it. What's your world's stance on climate change? Oh, it's complicated. Now, Kram, I'm a task you, Alia. You said some people don't believe in this climate change. What?

Who are you running into trouble with? Uh, the Dark Lord. Oh. The Dark Lord. Oh. The Dark Lord doesn't believe? He's pulling out of the deal. What? Yeah. That's the other reason I'm here in Hogsface.

Crom, have you negotiated face to face with the Dark Lord? Yes. Did you see any fake news? I-I didn't, but he certainly talked a lot about it. Sure. Hello. I know Fingerius way up North and no one cares about it. We care? But it's a-it now. It is a country and I am the lot about it. Hello, I know Fingere is way up north and no one cares about it. We care.

What, it's a country and I am the leader of it. Very recently, the leader of it. Yes, but still, the results of the Sandford Challenge are valid. You said that in a very defensive way. I just, I'm sick of people saying that there was some Tom Fouley at hand. It was, people were contesting your legitimacy as the King of Fingaria? Yes, but it's obviously a lot of jealousy

and people didn't get to see their guy win in the the San Pit challenge. It's fine. So there are people like I refuse to accept Krom as the King of Fingaria because I think it should have been that dead guy. Yeah, they say that he, you know, killed himself. Basically, you know, since I was trying not to fight him at all

and he ended up losing, that he essentially defeated himself. Oh, I see. So it's not legitimate. It sounds like it's more complicated. How many people were at your coronation? Close friends and family. Joseph's small gathering.

My friends and family are huge. Really, right. How big? Thousands? Don't just put your hands. That's like my whole family. See, this is another thing that people can't hear. You're using your hands to show what an amount or size.

Also, you keep fluctuating the size. Well, I suppose you think so. Life is a circle. Are you trying to see your family is really curvy? I said exactly what I meant to say. Close friends with family. My friends and family are huge. No, thanks, Oklahoma.

Well, crom, or I guess I should say King Crom, right? Yes, that is actually my legal title, King Crom. Oh, well, King Crom, thank you for rushing all the way here and bursting, I assume, through the wall that surrounds Hogsface, fighting your way through town and then fighting your way into the tavern. Sure. I like rushing. What? What's this?

You appreciate me rushing all the way here. I like, I like rushing. Yeah, he ran like a horse, he was rushing. Oh, okay. Do you have any emails? Oh, I do. Hey guys, as always, you can email me at Magic Tavern, at Puppy's Outsupplies.

It's a real email address. You know, we get so many emails from people asking for shout outs or wanting us to give them a happy birthday or something like that and just because we get so many, we really try not to do those. But there is one that I did want to read and I think it will become pretty clear why. Here it is. Hey Arnie, Chuck, use it or potential guest, Dark Lord, etc. My amazing friend Kelly introduced me to the podcast just a month or so ago, and I've loved every second of it. I'm all caught up and wanted to say thanks for the laughs. I also want to ask you lads a favor. Kelly is taking care of her dad who is in hospice care at home.

Can you say hi to her for me and maybe wish her dad well? Thanks a bunch, Katie. P.S. Katie really loves Dix. So it now is apparent why you read that email. Yeah, right. I do everything is clear. It's very important that I read that. And yes, I can read and I am not just pretending to read and make up all of these emails. We get hundreds of emails and I do know how to read. What was the friend Katie loves to? Kelly, Kelly. I don't remember anything about this except that Kelly really loves Dix. Wait, Katie loves Dix. Katie loves Dix.

No, Kelly. Katie loves Kelly and Kelly really loves Dix. I think you said it wrong in the first time. What a love triangle. Thanks a bunch. Katie, PS. Kelly really loves Dix. That's definitely not what you said the first time. What a love triangle. Thanks a bunch, Katie. PS, Kelly really loves Dick. That's definitely not what you said the first time.

How many times can I say, Kelly really loves Dick's. Here's the thing, Katie loves the podcast. Also loves her friend Kelly, who was taking care of her father in hospice care, which I'm sure is very difficult. But I hope she finds some extra time for herself to really love Dick's. Listen, we get it. It's a couple of Dixie chicks. All right.

Now we're falling into a landslide, but let's just agree that we should wish Kelly, well, and her father. Yes, Kelly. Father of Kelly. Thank you so much for supporting us. And I hope you're doing well. May you find some quite times yourself, may your burden upon you and your father be not too burden cement find whatever solace you can in Enjoying a dick good luck finding the cold side of a dick Is that how the saying goes cool side the cool side not the cold side as cool as the other side of the dick in Fingeria our dicks are freezing Sure, it's very cold in Fingeria as I understand it.

Exactly, yeah. And yet you want people to visit. Please, you know, visit in summer. Wouldn't it's less cold? Yeah, more of this tourism. You're really pushing his layers. Do you have to import that sand for the sand pit? Well, we steal it, but yes, it's not native Fingeria in sand.

I think so. Chunde, have you got any emails? Yeah, I do. You can always email me at chuntedgeema.com. That's ch native fingerprints, and. Thanks, so. Chanda, have you got any emails? Yeah, I do. You can always email me at chantagema.com. That's Chant with 60s. This is from Jake's trouble. He says, so honestly, I just started listening to you guys a couple of weeks ago, and I made it pretty much

all the way through. And I got to tell you guys, you are literally the only podcast I truly like. Oh. I love the thought behind the whole podcast. I want to do something like Arnie, and just would like to know how I should start something like this on Earth. So it advice to Jake to start his own podcast?

Well, Jake, I guess, you know, go to a fast food restaurant somewhere in your city. For me, it was the Burger King at the corner of Irving and Clark. Go to the back, not in a weird way, like just to order some food from the drive through. No in advance that people will ask you repeatedly what were you doing behind the Burger King. That is weird. Why are you back there? But just understand that you're just doing what you do when you order some fast food

from a Burger King. And then you know, fall through a dimensional portal and hopefully there's still a slight signal coming from the Burger King through the dimensional ref that you use to upload a podcast. You record every week from a tavern or a diner or a bistro or a space station or whatever interesting place you end up. I think that's... But it must be a Burger King. Oh no, I'm sorry. I assume it doesn't have to be a Burger King. But that's what it was for me. Here's the thing, take what I'm telling you, my advice, my story, universalize it for yourself.

Maybe it's a Wendy's. This is the only podcast that I know. Are all podcasts just when a person from Earth falls through to mention to another world and basically takes credit for owning recording equipment? Yeah, I gotta imagine on Earth podcasts are pretty rare. Like, there's probably like three or four. No, there are lots of them.

Like, there's like a, just off top of my head, there's like missing Richard Simmons, where a guy named Richard Simmons fell through a dimensional portal behind the fat sewer restaurant. And he's missing and he's sending weekly reports about trying to get back home. There's cereal.

Oh yeah, you listen to cereal. I listen to cereal. Who do you think did it? Adnan. What dimension is he living in a prison dimension and of course there's get nuts This is chunt. This is Yusador and where get nuts. Oh, I found some sort of candy pistachio Oh, I'm going to finally try this macadamia. We've been teasing out for a few weeks. Oh, you're paying off a major storyline on getting nuts. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's gotten a little complicated.

We've tried to push plot a little bit. It's a little dense. As you can tell from our episode we just did. Yeah, probably. I don't know, probably a mistake. Let me see if I have a few emails here. Oh, no! Two Cedars.

Or if you can reach me at twosodore. The blu-gimmo.com. Get out of here, twosodore. What? Why do I keep setting up that extra mic? The twosodore can just step up at. Wait, you have an email address? Yeah.

Oh, no. Tussador the blue G-M-O.com. Oh, no. Please don't say how that spell. How Tussador spell? Spell like it sounds. T-W-O. S-O-O.

S-O-O. The blue G-M-O.com. I guess I don't have any emails. I expect a new rug. Fine, I'll replace your rug. Thanks, bro. Bye-bye. Cool guy. Yeah, he's so way back. I feel like cans the worst. He's the second worst said. I like him. I love Dix. Such a fun, chatty episode. How about when they found that parchment in the wall? Craig sent info comment on the bag of gold for borrowing plot points.

Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Shunt the Badger was played by Adolf Refy. Crom, the king of the Thingarians, was played by special guest Mark Logston. Mark performs in the fishbowl every Thursday night at Chicago's annoyance theater. Craig, apparently that delightful Leonardo DiCaprio documentary has a novelization. Grab it from the archives. If they're reading it so can we, then at least I'll know why I'm not laughing at Adoles references. We'll do, and if you want to read along with the great Gatsby, you can order through the

link on our website and help out the show. Just go to hellofromthemagictavern.com and click the little book club link at the top of the page. Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie Neacamp, Evan Jacoba and Ryan D. George, this one edited by Garrett Schultz. Music by Andy Poland, logo by Allard Lebon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at hellofromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and thanks to Earwolf. Here's another Twitter fan Cade that's Zaladin H or Xaladin H with his take on our show.

Hello, my name is Kade and I'm a fan of Hello from the Magic Tabern. I'm going to try and do this as stoic as possible. It is a very funny podcast about a man named Arnie who falls through a dimensional portal and a magical and fantastical land named Carl Foon, Carl Foon. There is Chunt who is his friend that is a shape shifting badger and Yusador visited with many names other than Yusador. A lot we don't know. I think Yusodor was the 12th realm of the Fesius, the night of the 12th realm. Okay fast forwarding a little bit here, Kate. And there's a bunch of cool characters at guest star that sound really funny and it's the funniest podcast I've ever listened to and I listen to a lot of podcasts Not a lot of comedy ones though, so

I might need to get in looking at that, but um, you should all go look at it. Um, this is the second time I've done this I forgot to hashtag tree's distance the first time so I thought I'd do it over Yeah, go watch pull off a magic tavern churns up with that. That was his second try? No, great, great, good job, Kate. And remember, it's not against the rules to jot down a few notes before you start recording. If this video can make it on the podcast, so could yours very likely.

Just record yourself explaining the show or just encouraging people to check it out and hashtag it, Trisistence or Magic Tavern. Thanks, Kate. Just messing with you. Meanwhile, I should go find out what makes this gaspie guy so great. So I'll see you guys later.

Hello. Hello. Blimish returns. Blimish returns! Is that right? Is that how it goes? Blemish. I'm Blemish. Hello! This is Blemish. And I'm here to remind you to come on down to the million-minitor! That's terrible. Come on down to the 1 million Minotaur. Man, that's terrible.