Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 23 - Used Horse Salesman

Episode Date: August 21, 2017

Ex-squire Rocky Cocodino is here to sell some lightly used warhorses.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungRocky Cocodino: Tim LyonsMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early and ad-free, on Wondery Plus. You know the drill. It's metal with a yellow handle makes holes and things. Anyway do let me know if it turns up. Also the following podcast is not real. Craig, didn't you have a quick thing? Yeah I just wanted to mention we're doing a live show at the now here this festival in New York next month.

And when I say we, I mean, Chon and Yusudor because it's a live Get Nuts which is a spectacle you are not gonna want to miss. The Festival runs all weekend, September 8th through the 10th, and our special live show is Saturday the 9th. So if you can only make it for one day, some single date tickets were just released. Three day tickets are still available, and the first 100 people to use are offer code, magic, a checkout. Save 20 bucks on a three day pass.

The Festival lineup includes how to this get made, Do-Boys, Larry Wilmore and Comedy Bang Bang Plus, smart shows like Planet Money and Lovar Burden Reads. So go to nowherethisfest.com to get tickets. That's nowherethisfest.com. A Get and Nuts live show was a jar of spare change rolling down a mild incline for 30 minutes unavailable. But enough prelude if this was the Throne's opening sequence by now we'd be building Dorn. Enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern!

A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune, I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. If you've not listened to the podcast before, this was going on. About two years and many months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago into the magical fantastic land of FUN. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift and I'm using it to upload a podcast. I record every week at the behest of the Dark Lord who's making me do it. But you know what? I think we're gonna be able to use this podcast to defeat the Dark Lord. Did you hear that Dalton? Probably not, because last week you said you're gonna stop listening.

Regardless, I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Yusidor the Wizard. I am Yusidor, Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Minipulator of Magical Delights, the VAR of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Trakis, the elves Nomiya's Fien Yalak, the dwarves, Nomi is zoning in hook stungies. And now you know, in the Northeast, that's guess, waning in a maestar.

And there may be other secret names you don't know yet. And I'm a little squish. Yes, and trash tag, little squish in it. Hashtag, little squish in it. Wow. Like, are you little squishing it? Yeah, I think it's a little squish in it. Actionable, it's little squish in it. Oh, I see, it's not that you're in it. And it's not that I'm up in it. It's like, little squish in it. Like, are you little squishing it? Or are you little squishing it? I think it's actionable. It's a little squishing it.

Oh, I see, it's not that you're in it. It's not that I'm up in it. It's like, little squishing it. I see, it's not like, oh god, what's this in my soup? Little squish is in it. Now I hate this name. Just call me fart darkness. All right, that's fine.

All right, guys, okay, let's cut out everything we've done so far. Let's start the episode over. Mundle, you don't have to play the whole song. Just maybe play the last little bit of it. Hello, from the Magic Tavern. Oh, weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm your host, Darni.

I actually like Lil Squish. I'm gonna stick with Lil Squish. Okay, you're gonna go with Lil Squish? Oh, gosh. I'll cash tag Lil Squish in it. Alright, okay, great. I just wanna make sure that I retain that great reference to Dalton from the past. But farce darkness has such a...

Yeah, let's do it all. Yeah, this is turning into your fart of darkness. Alright, Mundo, you good? Alright, awesome. Hello from the most- Well, squish, final answer, little squish. Little squish, little squish. You know what, I'm glad you didn't interrupt me because actively I started saying it and

I actually didn't know which one it was supposed to be. Can I be honest, I've been feeling a little weird, a little out of sorts. Yeah. If I may. Some's been up to you. Because recently recently I went to the doctor and I found out one of my buttholes is haunted. What? One of my two buttholes is haunted.

There are doctors in this town. Yes. I have so many things I should see the doctor here about. Including something about my butthole. Well, you know the other day when we had King Kramon and he said that we should go to a crypt tonight Yeah, well, I went to a crypt and little ghost just snuck up in there. Little ghost snuck up in there. Oh, no little squish up in it Oh, I see so a ghost entered your butthole. It's not that something died in your butthole. No, not that I know

I think something's stuck up there. Yeah, let me see what I can do Get out of there Get out anything. I saw a pair of eyes pop out. Hmm. Let me try. Let me try something. Okay Go into the light. That's good. I mean out of that butthole Anything now. Do you see a pair of eyes? No. Hey, you know what? I feel like I'm being tricked into just looking at your butthole No, certainly not. Why would I do that? Great. Little stupid. Too many friends. That prank was developed by our good friend,

April Fools. Amphol's. My best friend in the entire world. That's right. What is going on? You seem very uncomfortable. Yeah, no. The cloak doesn't seem very comfortable.

It's fine, I'm sure it's fine. That reminds me. Is Amphol going to get you into the Dark Lord's birthday party that's coming up soon? Oh, I hope so. Because I find there in some disguise. I shall challenge him to a one-on-one duel and defeat him once and for all! I didn't know this was happening, but it seems like...

The birthday bash? Yeah, it seems like we're now committed to trying to go to this birthday. I've been assigned beef duty. Beef duty? Yeah, I've been told I have to accumulate heaps of beef. Just, you gotta collect heaps of beef? You know as much as I do, I've been told heaps of beef. Yeah, so you got beef?

I mean, I don't have beef. You got beef with? What? Who you got beef with? I don't have beef with anybody. Really nobody? No, wait, I thought you were talking about beef. I thought you were talking about beef.

Oh, I thought we were literally talking about beef. We are. No, heaps of it. Yes. Well, I don't have beef. But you have enemies, and when you have an enemy, the way that they let you know that you're their enemy is they collect lots of dead cows and prepare them for subpoena. Oh, I guess I got to start collecting beef. Can we start the show over?

Okay, all right. Mundo, go ahead, just don't introduce me as heaps of beef. Heaps of beef? Yeah, that's going to be my new name. All right, okay, great. T-T-T-T Hello, from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Food.

I'm your host, my name. Little Squish still has a great ring to it. It still has. It's still a Squish. Yeah. And I'm Yusudor, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, and maybe later of Magical Lights. Devour of Chaos, Champion of the great halls of Trockus.

The elves know me as Fiery young. The dwarves know me as Zonin and Hook Stinges. And I am known in the northeast as Genshinus Macer. And there may be other secret names you do not know yet. I, for a five to utter these names aloud, surely the fire within your soul would be extinguished and you would drop dead immediately. Damn, felt that.

Yeah, I did too, that was good. We can't start over, we got it. That's a keeper. That's a keeper, yeah, that is a keeper. So what are we doing this week? Oh, you know what, let's talk to our guest. I'm very excited. I met this dude, he was just kind of hanging out of the tavern, having a drink.

His name is Rocky, and he's, Rocky, why Why don't you come go ahead and sit down with us? Is that all right? Yeah, please, please do. Rocky is a salesman. Use tors salesman to be exact. Oh wow. Okay. Full name. Rocky. Coco Dino. Rocky. Coco Dino. Rocky sells horses. Rocky. Coco Dino. He was tors. You got to say use tors. Oh, I have to say he's our use or use are use torsion. Okay, Coco Dino. I like that. I like the way that rolls off the tongue. Yeah.

Can we start over? Can you introduce me as Rocky Coco Dino? How attached to this name are you? 100%. Okay. Family name. Coco Dino. You can't just take other people's names.

I'm just having fun with it. Rocky, have you ever wanted to have a different name? I tried To Do Dino one time. To Do Dino. Rocky To Do Dino. Coco Dino is what rolls off the tongue for most people. Yes, I prefer Coco Dino one time. Todo Dino. Rocky Todo Dino. Coco Dino's is what rolls off the tongue for most people. Yes, I prefer Coco Dino. Yes, let's not restart the podcast and let's all have the names we've got right now.

Okay, I'm cool with that. Is that good with you little squish? Little squish, no. Did you bring any use horses with you? Yeah, they're outside right now. You can kind of see them through the window looking in here at me. Okay. We're on our way back for the great night of horses tonight.

Oh, is that tonight? That's tonight. I can see them there through the window. That old great Mary, what she used to be. No. There's a couple out there. One's missing a back leg. You got another one out there.

He's got half a horn. Then you got a magic one out there that, well, here's what happens with the magic horses. You guys know about magic horses, right? No. Oh, these magic horses can talk. I've been full before. I've talked to some horses, so I think we been told before. I've talked to some horses, so I think we're actually talking.

And I talked to some horses, or I think we're just hitting peanut butter. Yeah, do these horses just have peanut butter on the mouse? No, but they do love peanut butter. Okay. No, these are just food. Who knows how to love peanut? Yeah, I love peanut.

People who are allergic to legumes. Oh, fair enough. Let's say we're forgetting nuts. So the old, this old magic course, well, you know, counter spells. He tries to cast a spell on a wizard. He gets countered back in his, uh, well, you know, counter spells. He tries to cast a spell on a wizard. He gets countered back in his face, turns his head practically all the way around. So this horse is walking around with half ahead or not half ahead,

but a head turned backwards. Oh boy. Yeah. Absolutely embarrassing. Here's what I say. That's got to be tough to ride a horse with this head turned backwards. All right, a magic horse. How do you even fit on that thing? But wait, his head's backwards. Yes. That's like a best case scenario, because we all know that hindsight's 2020, so this horse is going to figure it out. I've got a question about what the expression hindsight is 2020 means on phone. If you can see your own ass, your hindquarters.

Yes. If you can see the ass that you bought from this man. That's perfect. And in phone, 2020 is like absolutely. Oh, OK, 2012. Very, very hard to get an ass clean in phone, so. Yeah. It's a good thing.

If you can see your own ass, you can have a clean ass in the guy next to you. You know what? Let's be honest. It's hard to get your ass clean and phone. So it's a good thing. If you can see your own ass, you got a cleaner ass than the guy next to you. You know what? Let's be honest, it's hard to get your ass clean on any world. I'm doing all right. I think you just have low standards on what a clean ass is. Now this horse is missing a back leg.

Sell me on it. Or her. Here's what I always say about my horses. These are used horses. They are not used up horses. Oh. Okay, these horses are still good for many jobs. Stick a table top on them, have them walk around, you got yourself a moving table. Some are just looking for a place to

kind of hobble around and walk around. This horse in particular, not a lot of uses for them. I've tried replacing his leg a couple times with other table legs, with other horses legs. He just caught an infection. He's probably the longest horse I've had. So actually tonight is his horse dance night, where we will have the horses gather around a circle, we'll sing the song, and then all the other horses will trample him to death. Oh, they shoot horses, don't they? Never mind.

Well, I'm very impressed that this horse with three legs is able to stand up at all. I would think I must have taken some trading and some doing on his part or Your part. I mean he gets see I mean he gets a maybe three or four gallops at a time and then he just topples over. So how many gals per hour? Gals per hour? Yeah. Gals per hour. Don't lie to me. I'm gonna say it's Don't come to me. Don't come to me. I tried. I made this guy look at my ass. Hey, let me ask you a question. How many gallops is too low? Anything under 25 and no things. Well, he's just above that, 35, my man.

Oh, man, okay. That's great that I had an answer and then you had a 10 to it. Yep, another round with that. Chest out, yeah. So this horse without a back leg. 25. I am gallops an hour?

Yes. Three legs. It's really not a lot of gallops. Yeah, this horse is not hot to trot, okay? You could walk faster than that. Do not take this horse near a hill. He will roll down and he won't stop. It doubles the amount of time it takes us to get back to the farm. Is that just because he likes having fun? I think it's fun for him at first and then once he keeps rolling, it doesn't stop.

He keeps rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling. I'll take it. Wait, no, first of all guys, what is just an interview? We're not here to buy a horse. There's that saying, when in Foon? You're always in Foon. There's that saying, all roads lead the Foon. Well, all roads, this is Foon. There's that saying, when Foon ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

You love that saying. How much for this horse? Without the back leg. Does that have a name? Christopher. Christopher. Yeah, named himself. I'll take it.

Wait, how much? See, see what a good consumer I'm being? How much first? Well, how much is the least amount you could pay for this? I don't know. I guess I have a little bit of a puddle. Put it on the table. Let's get rid of it. Here's all my money. Wait, why don't you carry all your money around with you? First of all, don't let him see. Don't let him see all the money you have. Hey, trust this man. Why would I not trust a man named Rocky Coco? You know, Rocky Coco, you know, about 310 gold pieces. So I have 310. Well, this horse is 320.

Are you? It took away any of the 10 to it. So I have you can grab 10 more bucks from one of these fellow friends. Give me 10 gold. I don't have a lot of gold. Okay, look, look, let me pull out all the gold I have. Look, I have, I have 15 gold. That's all I have. I don't have a lot of gold. Okay, look, let me pull out all the gold I have. Look, I have 15 gold. That's all I have. I don't think it would. Would you take $3.25? I hate to take a little bit more money, but you know what?

If I don't sell, he's gonna get trampled to no- Thank you so much. Oh, if there's a band of horses and there's a funeral for them, I would be so sad. So let's hear who's going to be here. I'll say, oh, this looks good. There you go. Thank you very much.

Actually, would you mind biting into all of those? Just a double check? Yeah, let me. So they're bitcoins? Yeah. So make sure you get paid properly. That looks good. Arnie, Arnie.

Yeah. Why are you upset that I'm buying more? I'm still. First of all, you don't need a horse. We're trapped in this town. It's not so big. You need a horse to get a far in it. Remember when there's a turning horse with a top hat?

Yeah. Remember I turned into it? That's true. Yeah. It is second. Hold on. No, no. No, no.

No, no. No, no, no, no. No, no. It's creepy. No, I bought it to ride around. This one's chocolate. Well, that's mine. That's definitely mine.

So, 3.24, whatever. That's 3.20 someone. Come chocolate with it. Oh, that's a Migoscian chocolate. Gassian chocolate, oh. Couple of fancy boys here, huh? That's 3.20 someone come chocolate. Oh, that's a Megasian chocolate. I like to talk about chocolate. Oh, a couple of fancy boys here. Uh, that's delicious. Yes. Well, I already bit unto it. So I should probably have it, huh? What I think it's yours now. Yes. Yeah, I appreciate that. Thank you. You're all out of chocolate. Someone else is bitten some of why? Because it's chocolate. Let me ask you guys a question. What's your favorite kind of horse? Let me ask you guys a question. What's your favorite kind of horse?

Mmm. Mmm. And let me take it back one step further. Do your ride a horse. I ride my friend. Grimhoof, the fifth fastest horse in food. And I now ride Christopher, who gets around. Don't ride him up a hill.

Down a hill. Down a hill. Don't ride him down a hill, because he'll keep rolling, rolling, rolling. But could you ride him up a hill? You could certainly give it a shot. But then you'd be on top of a hill. Oh, yes. Yeah, listen, when I go to work,

I have to write a horse up a hill both ways in the snow. Oh boy, thanks a lot, dad, dad. I have never ridden a horse. You've never ridden a horse before? No, never. Could you bring one into the tavern? I could go grab one. So, Aaron, you could write it.

Oh yeah. What's that? Sturdy's Tours. Let's be very clear. I am not going to buy a horse. Oh no, no, but let's see how you he could write it. Oh, yeah. Let's be very clear. Let's be very clear. I am not going to buy a horse. Oh, no, no. But let's see how you're looking side of it. In the side of it.

What did I say? On it. Let's see how you're looking. Yeah. Yeah. I just be like, let's kick the hooves a little bit. Although, you know, let's be fair. I think your first theory might be right.

Yeah. Well, yeah, let me go grab one of these guys. I'll bring them on in here. You can take a seat on them. Sure. Sounds good. Yeah, totally Guys while he's out there. We don't have to whisper. Well, he's out there. You're right guys while he's out there. I okay, you're right While he's out there Let's be cool when he gets back in here. All right. What do you mean? I'm being cool as fuck little squish

Fuck he's gonna when you little squish upon us little squish. Look, he's gonna, when you little squish a pile on a star. Why would you say it like that first of all? When you little squish a pile? I just made that up. You already gave him all your money. There's no threat here.

Oh, yes. Guys, this is how it's playing it cool. I have more money than that. Oh, good, we'll tell him. Here, hey, we have more money. I was sorry. Oh, fantastic. We lied before we had a lot more money.

I didn't lie. I did. I'd like, yeah, I think we're doing a little horse sale here. We got to put all the money on the day. I'm not buying a horse. You don't know that yet. I'd hate to have you sit on them and not have the money ready to go. Nice.

Just see how it feels. I'm sorry, Rocky. I just don't like sales people. Let me ask you a question. You're sitting right there. You told us to be cool. Let me ask you a question. Why is that?

I feel like they're always trying to get one over on like they're always like trying to get one over on me. I'm not trying to get one over on me. I'm trying to find a good home for these use horses. These horses have seen all kinds of battle. Okay, these are old knight's horses. I used to be a squire myself. Oh. And what the knights told me was to put these horses down

after battle. Well, the worst thing that ever happened to the horse was the giant spear. Goes right into its chest. The problem is, doesn't kill it. There's enough muscle there to block it. But they think that it's going to kill the horse was the giant spear. Goes right into its chest. The problem is, it doesn't kill it. There's enough muscle there to block it. But they think that it's going to kill the horses. It's not.

These horses are just fine. But most of them do have spears going straight through their bodies. For life. Spears for life, Arnie. We got it by some more horses. We got to save them. I know, but I just had back experience with salesmen

on my world. Like, I went to go buy a car. And, you know, I thought I was getting something good, and I walked away with a pinto. Oh, a pinto. That's a great horse. I mean, mean it sounds good as a Mustang but it's a pretty good horse. Listen I know you've probably walked around Foon you've seen a lot of people who live in their huts and in their front yard they have a horse with no legs up on blocks and I know it's like wouldn't I just gonna accumulate a bunch of horses. But you gotta get at least one. How old are you?

41 I think and you've never owned a horse. Never owned a horse, you've got a 41. You've got a 41. You've got experience of winning your hair, man. Look, we live in a city where it's very easy to get around Hogs face. Like, I don't need to own a horse. I could always just hop on a magic carpet that's going by

or you're 41. Yeah. Much older. What? I mean, I might be 42. I'm not great with math, but I think I'm 41 Rinkle's tell a tale my man. Wait a second. Are you guys saying I look old? I thought you at least a hundred oh Jesus Christ. I gotta get a fucking cool horse

Guys guys how much money do you have let me spend all my money? Let me talk to the mouse in my hat Hello How much money do you have? I spent all my money. Let me talk to the mouse in my hat. Hello? Hello? Hey. Nibbles, nibbles. I need the rent. While you're doing that, I'm going to talk to the ghost in a little squishes butthole.

Hey, ghost! You got any money? I need the rent. Yes, please. What are you guys are doing then? I'm going to psych up my horse here that I got. All right. All right.

I'm going to look in the walls for more clues. I was talking to his butt, he just walked away. I couldn't help but over here you guys might need some extra coinage. Shoesador. No, toesador, we don't need anything from you. Okay, I'm just saying, well, you know, I'm here if you need me and remember,

my name is Tisador and if you need to reach me, take a look in a mirror, see yourself and recognize that any answer you may have yourself. Oh. You are complete. Oh. Everything that needs to be revealed is inside of you. I'd love to set you on fire.

You're right, Tussador. I am complete, and I don't need a cool new horse to make me more complete. Of course you do. And also, you said you're right, we should set Tussador on fire. All right. I'll pay you 250 gold coin not to. Here you go. And also, you said, or you're right, we should set two-sit-or on five. All right. I'll pay you 250 gold coin not to. Here you go. Fair enough.

Guys, I just made a bunch of money. I already have 2,200. What? From a mouse? Rock top. How much rent is? Rocky-cocadino. What is the smallest, redest, most topless horse you have?

The smallest, redest, most topless horse. Whoa! You want to look at topless horse, right? I'm not. Well, it's a retractable horse. Do you want a retractable top on the horse? What the horse, they close. We can get you a small horse. It'd kind of be funny to have you

riding around on a small horse. You can kind of be a new MO. No, here's the thing. I need something with some leg room. I got a couple with some leg room for sure. OK. Well, this one that I brought in has a built-in saddle. Got a hammer dropped right through the middle of it.

Oh. So you're going to be riding low on this bad boy, but he's a keeper and he's a real fine guy. Oof, hey buddy, what's your name? Is he a talking horse? No, this is just a little bit of a sub-sorry. What's his name? Uh, this is a Genzo.

Genzo! Yeah. I like that. Now how much does this horse cost? Because we have 2,0405 gold pieces. 2,450. 450? And not a penny more. 2,0405 gold pieces. 2,0405.

450? And not a penny more. Well, he's got the built-in saddle. So that comes standard. That's standard. That doesn't come on all the horses. Yeah. You guys kind of looked out.

When the saddle's built in, the heat from the horse heats it up. Oh, really? The heat from his inside, yeah. Does it have truck control? Yes, it does. OK. Yeah, full truck control.

Oh, it's pretty good. It's for its side to side. This is it does. Yeah, full truck control. That's pretty good. For its side to side, this is a four-hup truck. Oh, that's pretty good. Wow. What are we looking at in the trunk? Long. Long, long, lazy tail. It's just got one minute.

You're not gonna fuck my horse. One mid-sized butthole, that's what you're asking me. And I get a lot of guys asking about it. Mid-sized. Mid-sized, yeah. Is that gonna fit everything we need in there? I mean, it's pretty, it's, I always's a, what I say standard, it's pretty big. Yeah, it's pretty big. You can fit groceries.

You and your friends can definitely fit whatever you need to bring in there. Are there mere bags? Yeah, and they say Rocky Coco Dino on them. Oh, very nice. Do you know about mere bags? No, what's the matter? Is it if your horse is not paying attention or falls asleep, you slam into something, and it's main, this bag will open up.

But it's only if the horse is a mare. Oh, yeah, I see. Just to help protect your face. Yeah. Wait, what did you say that horse's name was? Genzo? Genzo? That's not a mare.

Hey, that's not a mare. Yeah, ma'am bags. But we're willing to forgive you because so far you've been so honest and sincere. I appreciate that. And I apologize that I lied to you up front. This is Horses of the name of David. I lied to you.

I still have 30 more gold coin and I'm gonna give it to you for being so honest. Wow, I appreciate that. That's very nice of you. See, I don't understand what the problem is, Arnie. What don't you like about me? I seem like a very nice guy. I came here, I saw you guys doing the...

Wait, wait, first of all, you just said I seem like a very nice guy. Is that what I said? Why would you say it like that? If, why, you just said I seem like a very nice guy. Is that what I said? Why would you say it like that? Why would you just say I am a nice guy? Because he's not cocky. I'm allowing you now. Speaking from your point of view, and saying that he realizes that he seems like a nice guy to you,

because he's been very nice up until now. Well, I'm gonna speak from his point of view. I'm a salesman, and I've convinced myself that I have to do anything to make money, but I'm gonna stick it to other people. No, no, no, no. What's happening here is, no, no, I'm gonna impersonate you. I'm a salesman, I'm deeply interested in your needs. I'm asking you questions to learn more about you

and what it is that you need, so that I can come up with a solution for those needs. Well, you know, I'm going to impersonate someone. Welcome. Welcome to my tavern. Yes. I don't sound anything like that. Listen, let's take a quick break, Arnie.

I'm going to convince you to buy this horse, whatever it takes. And I'm going to help. And also just off the top, never say I'm a salesman. What do you say? Say what you're selling. Oh, I'm a horse. I'm a used horse salesman. Of course You say at the end of the sentence. You don't say I'm a salesman. I'm a used horse salesman. So let's don't double

Let's put death to that term death of a salesman. Yes, that's what I just said. Don't use it anymore. All right, sorry I bet that all right. Let's let's take a quick break. I'm happy Okay, okay, you know what? I could see myself. Yes, but I think I'm going to sleep on it. On the horse? No, I'm going to sleep. I'm not going to buy a horse today. I'm going to think about it.

Or if I could cook Odino, give an intake of breath, you're upsetting him. Are you okay, Rocky? I just think... Are you choking? Kiss him on the neck. Could somebody kiss me on the neck, please? Just to make sure I'm not choking. I find. Look, here, I'll show you, if you're choking, I should get behind you and put my arms around you. You know what? The only thing I'm choking on is this decision you decide to make.

Oh. Because I'm gonna tell you something, these horses even though they're used, they're going fast. They couldn't be dead by tomorrow? They could be dead by tomorrow. That would be bad. The horse dance is tonight.

And sometimes when one horse is getting trampled, two horse get trampled. Oh no. Oh no. A jeans though. His name is David. David. Oh, I thought it was jeans though.

That was a lie. That was one of who knows how many lies. Wait, is my horse still named Christopher? Yes. You. Wait. David David. Oh, I thought it was jeans though. That was a lie. That was one of who knows how many lies wait It's Mike horse still name Christopher. Yes, you wait look at that. I think you're inside. Yes. So many s is at the end The horse's name is calm red calm red. I'm sorry. That's a cool name. That's a better name. Yeah, why would you lie? I call short. Why would you call them? What was this classic classic undersell and I apologize? That's how I jacked up the car. I call it red. Well to rad. You know, some of these horses aren't gonna respond to anything. Yeah, they can barely hear, they can barely see. They're just, they're just trying to get by looking for a place to go.

I have noticed that some of these horses are like propped up with sticks. Yes. Look, what's it going to take for you to take our money? It's gonna take Arnie the bowl of the trigger here. I got a beautiful horse standing right next to me, deep body saddle. I do like to look at that deep body saddle. I've got to confess. Here's my question though. What does the expression pull the trigger mean on phone, exactly?

I know what that means on earth. Where the crossbow? Oh, I'm gonna pull the trigger on a crossbow. Lock it in there. It means you're going to go back, pull the trigger decision. It's also euphemism for masturbation. Oh, that's how I was pulling the trigger.

What's it gonna take for me to masturbate? Yes. Because you're going to be so happy. The only thing you want to go home and do is look at this horse and masturbate. Yeah, well, that's that's a little squish over here. When you think about it that way, I think I finally figured out why your name is a little squish. Uh oh. When you think about it that way, isn't masturbation just a way to make yourself happy? Yeah. Isn't buying this horse just a way to make yourself happy? Don't you deserve to be happy on? Well, of course I deserve to be happy! I know, but you never have been!

And this could be a first opportunity to be happy ever! It's true. I had a horse I could probably get around town a little easier, or at all. Yeah. If I finally do leave the tavern more often, I could have a horse right around. You find a horse, you can start to look for portals opening up, maybe get back home. Remember that? Remember getting back home? Yeah. Turn one of that was a thing. Those first two reasons were kind of just the same thing, setting a different way. You can get a portal tracker for your horse.

Ooh, that's a portal tracker? Does that come standard? Unfortunately, it's an extra 2000 gold, but it certainly tracks a portal. I'll get you a portal tracker. Let's not go nuts here. Oh, so you're saying I shouldn't get all the extras from Rocky here. You can like, just go for this. If we want to do some add-ons,

I can enchant a rock to become a portal tracker. We don't have to get that for, we're just gonna horse some. You gotta horse some. No, horse some, don't go to horse some. What's that? It's a horse some. Horse on, don't go to horse on. What's that? It's a horse on. Don't call your horse in needs.

Oh, get the horses blood change, rotate the legs. Barely where, the blood change barely works. I'll change the blood of the horse just before you buy it from me. Oh. And you can come back to me and I'll do three free blood changes. Could you do that right now? Let me get deal.

Let's see one of these blood changes. You wanna do a blood change right now? Yeah, where? First of all, what blood are you gonna put in that horse? New blood. New blood. Yeah, new blood. you take out the old and you put in some new blood But where are you getting this new blood from I always carry a couple of bags of blood on me Yeah, you gotta have some that crazy or we can all link up and give them a little human blood Yeah, let's use the bags. Let's use the bags. Yeah, okay. All right. Why don't you pop outside?

We'll watch the window. We'll watch you change the book Okay, just make sure you look make sure you're watching because It's pretty complicated process I'm gonna show you that I'm doing something for you. Thanks. This fucking salesman is just trying to bleed us dry Watching now that Rocky's gone. Yeah, we need to really buy these horses, okay? Uh-huh. I think we're about to lose the deal So we need to pull the trigger on this deal as soon as possible. I'm afraid he's gonna sell these horses to someone else Yeah, can't you tell how much he doesn't need our business? Yes, look. I am afraid he's gonna sell these horses to someone else. Yeah can't you tell how much he

doesn't need our business? Yes, look I am gonna buy a horse. Oh fuck you just cut open that horse's neck. Oh that horse is dead now. That horse is definitely dead. You guys watching? Yeah that's so much blood. There's the immediately why he cuts that. Is that horsehmm. Is that horse dead? Not yet. We got pure moments before I have to switch the blood back in. Guys, here's what we do. When he's still by the horse, we take that horse's head that he cut off, we put it in two stores bed. Oh.

Sent him a message. Yes. I like that, but I'm getting some beef. I don't know if we need to spend money on a dead horse. Okay, here we go. Hey. Fresh blood. Rocky, I we go. Hey, fresh blood. Rocky, I've got some bad news for you. Tell me, tell me, you're out about this.

Horse? Throwing a couple extra blood bags, so you can change the blood. Okay. I'll throw in the portal tracker for 3,500 gold. That's a steal. Arnie, Arnie, do it, you're robbing him. Look, I wasn't born yesterday.

He was born 41 years ago or 42. Yeah, I can't remember. Are there a couple of others? You better believe that the ears also operate as couple of others. Oh, so I can just like stick a cup in the horses ear? He won't even mind, he can't hear that. He probably will hear better with a cup in his ear. They're mostly different.

Oh, okay. Oh, so not a very good sound system. No one, fortunately not. Hmm, sorry, I'm out. But, if I'm gonna be honest, if I'm gonna buy a vehicle to ride around in, I will pretend that I know what I'm talking about, but I really will just focus on the sound system.

Well, those ears don't come standard. You gotta upgrade the ears, which I can do for you. How do I upgrade the, oh wait, are you just gonna cut his ears off? Oh, it is, you have to be serious. How is the upgrade? I don't wanna give away my secrets. Look, you gotta fucking bag a horse ears. I wanna give him my money. Can we start the uproot? I don't want to give away my secrets. You've got to fucking bag a horse ears.

I want to give him our money. Can we start over the episode? I wouldn't be called Comrade. All right. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arna. And you can't, if you've never listened to the podcast before.

This is what you call a little squish. It's still better. No, little squish. All right, fair enough. Well, Rocky, thank you so much for stopping by. I'm sorry that I'm not going to buy a horse. I'm just around the corner if you're ever looking for anything. I'm always getting new used horses.

I'll keep that in mind, Rocky, and if I'm in the mood for an Italian stallion or something like that, I'll come look you up. Okay, I appreciate that. Rocky, I feel just terrible. Here's all of my gold. No, don't, oh, you didn't have to do that. I appreciate that. Yeah, well, I don't know it should have bought a horse from you, and he didn't. No, don't, oh, you didn't have to do that, I appreciate that. Yeah, well, I don't should have bought a horse from you,

and he didn't, so I don't want to look like a chump. So here, just take all my money. Well, I appreciate that. You know, I'm gonna throw in a nice little horse for you as well. Oh, thank you. I don't even need a horse. This is Chad. Oh, I Chad.

Hello. Is his name really Chad? It's Chad. It's Chad. Chad. I Change it just a little bit, but I apologize. Who named that horse Chode? It's a troll's horse. That is the widest horse I've ever seen. It's very wide. It's truly one of the widest. I mean, I tried to get him inside. You can fit the floor. Yeah. It's not very long at all, but it is wide. It's a wide horse. You can fit maybe six, seven people on there.

Yeah, put a blanket on there. I have a picnic. Did you ever tell you about the time you rode through the desert on a horse with no name? No, what happened? Oh, well, it felt good to get out of the rain. That's why I went to the desert. I didn't think through that.

Yeah, it's a dream. Sure. I couldn't remember until I thought about it all the way through. Well, he's what, 300 years old. There's been so many adventures. So many adventures. Side quests. Guys, we spend too much until I thought about it. Well, he's what, 300 years old? There's been so many adventures. So many adventures. Side quests? Guys, we spend too much time just immediately saying whatever.

Let's feel okay with just pausing. To be fair, we should think about what we say ever before we say it. Which brings me to my new segment, thinking buds. Thinking buds? Please submit some bang and buds, but have them be a little more thoughtful, maybe even shorter so that we can read them. I feel like all the submissions I've gotten have been way too long.

No, I'm not sure. Are they still sensual or are replacing sensual with intellectual? They're sensual, but they're thoughtful about how sensual they are. And short. Yeah. Good. Look, take a lesson from Yusidor's new horse chode. Don't make them so long. Just make them wide and thoughtfulness.

Should we do some email? Sure, yeah. Yeah, I got an email here. This is from Alexander. So, hello. I just want to thank you guys for keeping my... Hello, Arnie. Oh, I'm sorry. Hello, Alex. Thank you. Thank you guys for keeping my spirit up while I work. I work as a postman in a small town in Germany while on summer break. Unfortunately, delivering letters and packages is not very magical, except for a few old evil witches who screwed me every once in a while. Unfortunately, delivering letters and packages is not very magical, except for a few old evil witches who screwed me every once in a while. Anyways, thanks for making a lot of my days a little bit more magical and exciting.

Cheers, Alex. Oh, and also Alex, your real name is Bucky Conklin. I forgot last week that I said I was gonna start telling people what their earth names are. Oh, that's good. I also have a question here. This is for a Yusidor, actually. But it's to have a question here. This is for a used door actually. Oh. But it's to the Chant Gmail.

That's Chant at Gmail at 6Ts. This is from Caleb in Canada. It says, now that used door is imprisoned in the tavern, which are you still under locking key? Oh, yes. I'm just a weak old man. Oh. Well, Caleb, I'm fine.

I have my powers, but I can't let people know. Caleb wants to know who has been taking care of your cat. You know, the one that he used to sick upon the smorps. Oh, that's right, your cat. Well, as Zizel is taking care of herself, she's cat. She kind of comes and goes and she pleases. That's pretty good. Oh, okay. It also says Arnie, did you have any pets on Earth?

You know what? I have a dog named T, and I hope the T's doing all right. What are my wife and child are taking care of her? What's its real name? It's real name is Sandy apples and Caleb your real name is Longmumps. Oh, it's a good name. Yeah. Thanks for writing Longmumps. Do you need emails? Oh, I did actually. I got one here. It just says, uh, hey guys I just returned home to Detroit from a trip to Chicago. My last stop on the way out was at a burger king to grab something to eat. Oh, careful, that could go either way. And I'm not even talking about dimensional portals. I was in a hurry, so I went through the drive-through.

When I got my order, I noticed a strange piece of parchment stuffed in my bag, which read the following. The lay of fune. Lobe a hold this fune, fertile and festive, it's magic full. Realm of many turncotes and thieves fune fertile and festive its magic full. Realm of many turncotes and thieves, bards and beasts from antics and rascals. A time of plenty has gone. This land laid waste with longing, evil eye, lurching and fear, dark lord laughing, long limbs leaching from life depraved and desolate. Nameless his numerous numbers unknown.

Unleashed legions left unchecked, but hold. But hold. Was that all leading up to but hold? Leave the but hold jokes to us, sir. But hold these three holes or measures of men. Heroes held, warriors of waiting, hidden real realms and wrath. Boone brothers bravely will breach black gates gone, witness. A Mary Mustalid, banging badger, chunced choice,

cunning and quick of wit, weary words left wanting. Shifter of shape and sick, snickers and twitters left bereft of quip, wanton and wildly this king of chordada. Many hidden hats hung on his head, highborn herald. When Diego thank you, when Diego thank you, no nave need kneel before this kneecamp. Oh hey, that's me. Hold lunar knife high, daughter's deserter, and family abandoned. Look to be fair, I have abandoned one daughter, not plural daughters.

Troubled thoughts of world and wife concerned, memories, meandering's mistaken, coitus confused, goblin gifted, larval sun sprang forth, fly free for three days, homeland honored, humbly left unspoken, taverns travelers tedious and tumultuous, rude ruses roused, unsuitably questioned, asked without thought, what's next? Boy this is long. The boisterous blue babbling bold bursting through, pontific next? Boy, this is long. The boister's blue, babbling, bold, bursting through, pontificating prophecy wine, well wishes, upon these wizard's sleeves hang slacks,

starling scourge, tiny hat, magick's mystereum, long-fang, friend, fiend, and foe, orcs are evil. Secret name spoke softly, nuance is unknown, lover of bird and rock, binder of rebellion, builder of revolt, soup in my butt, eater of nuts. These three hold keys to locks unbound. Their spies and moles are paramount.

It's pages dark and hard to turn. These heroes three, its book will burn, written by the nameless, not the Dark Lord. Are you guys reading poetry? Could I hear that? What's this? Could I hear that poem? Oh, I just read the whole thing. It's very long. Here's 600 gold for your trouble.

Oh, thank you. Two-sitar, would you recite a poem to us? Sure. Early to bed. Early to rise. Okay, that's enough. Alright, bye, two-sitar. That was beautiful.

Yeah. Well, thank you, whoever emailed that to us. That was very long. That was very long. But very impressive. Yeah, very impressive. I'm sorry, I probably didn't do it any justice. Guys, maybe they're clues in this poem. Let's all memorize it.

You said, or you eat it. Well, recited every episode. You said, or I don't think I would do that. I've never seen you look so tired. Wait, is he playing up the weak people man or is he just tired? That really took a lot out of it. Well, Rocky, thank you so much. And I'm sorry about whatever horses are going to die tonight. Oh, it's just the old circle of life.

When one horse comes in, five, six, seven horses go out, trample the death by those other horses. Well, feel free to come on by. We're having popcorn. horse comes in, five, six, seven horses go out, trample the death by those other horses. Oh, yes. Well, if you're free, feel free to come on by. We're having popcorn, then we're putting on necklace as you can kind of walk around each all day. Oh, that's cool.

Yeah, and that horse is on pretty fine. It should be a good time. Is there any draw in quartering? Yes. Oh, great, chunt. Yes? I'll need you to cover for me for a moment. For I must go and ride my new steed around the town, and you must pretend as though I am

still trapped here as a feeble old man. Come, Chode! Let's ride! The phrase come, Chode, is not something that I ruin here again. Sound of freeing or old me. Welcome back, all of you not permanently driven off by the phrase Come Showed. None of that really happened. User to the wizard was played by an angry child jumping on a stack of bubble wrap. No way it was Matt Young.

Fart darkness, it's like he chooses these just to make me say them, was played by Adel Raphai. Rocky Coco Dino, the used horse salesman, was played by special guest Tim Lyons. Tim performs in the show Fudge, every Tuesday at Chicago's I-O theater. Take it Greg, and then I'll meet you in the reading cone to see how Gatsby gets out of this latest pickle. I have a good feeling about that guy. We'll do, and may I suggest that you all procure the great Gatsby for your own personal reading cone, so you'll be up to date for the big book club episode of the show next about that guy. version as well. So either way you can buy it there, help out the show, and you know, at least get the gist of it. Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arne Neacamp, Evan J. Cover, and Ryan D.

Georgie. This one edited by Garrett Schultz, music by Andy Poland, logo by Aller Lebon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistants by Garrett Schultz. Oh hey Craig, what's going on? Oh hey, hey robot Arne, I kind of forgot you were here, you know, probably because you're a robot and not a real person. Easy to forget. I'm not a robot, you're a robot. Okay, buddy, whatever you say, was there something you needed, Arnie? Well, I do have a few things to announce. You mentioned at the top of the show that Chant and Usador are doing a special Get Nuts live show at the now here this festival next month, but I also wanted to announce that the whole hello from the Mandric Tavern crew is doing a live show in Chicago September 17th at the Music Box Theatre.

That's a great old Chicago movie theater. I saw a movie memento there. At least I think I did. It feels like these memories are my memories. Anyway, it's part of the WBEZ's podcast passport series and you can get tickets and more information at WBEZ.org slash events or you can usually get information on all our upcoming live shows by going to a low from the magic tavern.com and clicking on the live shows tab and I just wanted to very quickly congratulate Griffin McElroy and the McElroy brothers on the adventure zone podcast big Finale of their first big campaign. If you're not familiar,

it's three very funny brothers and their dad, playing Dungeons and Dragons together. It starts off silly and becomes so much more. To be honest, I'm still catching up, so no spoilers. But if you haven't listened, you should. Go subscribe to the Adventure Zone, start at the beginning. And while I'm at it,

there are so many great funny and dramatic, Dungeons and Dragons and live role-playing podcasts that if you're into that thing or thinking of experimenting, you should check out our buddies over at the one-shot podcast network which is also based in Chicago. They've got a lot of great ones. There are actually a couple episodes of one shot that aren't used or and shunter on. There's also NerdPoker, assorted acquisitions and corporated shows that the table Titans podcast with their friends Scott Kurtz who played the carfunist friends at the table critical role critical hit glass can and drunks and dragons who I believe sponsored this podcast at least once you meet in a tab and so many more I'm sure I'm forgetting so many amazing podcasts that everyone should check out what I'm saying is go to iTunes, search, adventure, critical, or

dragons, subscribe to everything that comes up, and enjoy! But again, congratulations to the Adventure Zone, I'm excited to catch up and take notes on how to guide a guide on going serialized story towards anything resembling a satisfying conclusion, clue-clue-clue-clue-clue-clue. Okay, I'm gonna power down now. I'm the one, though. Ha, poor guy. Doesn't even realize he's a robot. What a sad life. Well, I better head to the reading comb before the monitoring chamber runs out of oxygen. Remember to visit us at aloefromthemagictabrin.com or on Facebook or Twitter.

Thanks for the Chicago podcast co-op and thanks to Ear Wolf. You