Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 25 - Sit in a Circle (w/ Todd Barry, Janet Varney, Cole Stratton, Matt Besser & Danielle Schneider, Live from Outside Lands Fest)

Episode Date: September 4, 2017

An especially lively night in the tavern with visits from a raven, a warrior elf, an ill child, a giant dwarf and a fairy decorator.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungKermit the Raven: Todd BarryBraidwynn: Janet VarneyTimbo: Cole StrattonMatt Dabbin': Matt BesserJasmine Honeygem: Danielle SchneiderMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzPhoto Credit: Miikka SkaffariYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The following podcast is not real, but that'll become very clear very shortly. Now I'm going to beam you over to San Francisco for a live episode of the show, and if you're upset that you missed this, that we've got two more live episodes of the show coming up, there's the now here this festival, September 9th in New York, and there's WBEZ's podcast passport. That's in Chicago at the Music Box Theater September 17th. Details and tickets can be gotten from hello from the Magic Tavern.com just clicked a little live shows tab and that's it.

Now please enjoy this live episode of hello from the Magic Tavern. Attention, Northern California Liberal Echo Chamber. The following podcast is not proof of the existence of other dimensions. It is not real, but it is being recorded live. From the outside lands, festival in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park. For all of you, are unable to afford Burning Man. Now, let's take a break from all the bothersome live music and enjoy the show. I love for the Magic Tavern. You guys hear me alright?

No. Hello, hey. Who do we not want to hear? Hello for the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. If you've never heard the podcast before I would not be surprised, but this is all you need to know about two and a half years ago I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of Foon It's sort of like Middle earth or narnia.

Luckily I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast. I record every week in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, where we all are now in the town of Hogsface in the land of fune. And I am joined as always by one of the best buds, my boon companion, Chant the Talking Badger.

This is your mic. Oh yeah, baby. No, give it to him. Passing the book. All right. How you doing, bud? I'm good. How you doing? I'm doing all right.

Just all right. Just okay. I feel like you're always all right. You you doing, bud? I'm good. How you doing? I'm doing all right. Just all right. Just okay. I feel like you're always all right. You're a little modeling. Yeah, you're right. My high is all right. And I guess so.

I'm just sort of, I miss home. I miss Chicago. I miss Earth. Yeah. You kind of stopped trying to get back there a while ago. No. I'm constantly trying to get home. I'm coming up with plans.

I record this podcast every week and send it to Earth in hopes that someone on Earth will figure out a way to get me home. Oh, nice. Passing the buck as well. Exactly. Passing the buck. Just like 100%.

Yeah, okay. Look, I imagine right now on Earth, people have got their shit so much together that they're gonna be able to figure out how to get me home. Wow, that's a lot of trust in Earth. Yeah. Did I tell you about my new business venture?

I'm thinking about, no, what's your new business venture? I'm a badger. Right, or shapeshifter currently in the state of a badger. I thought it might be fun for animals such as myself to dress up like humans and maybe meet up at conventions in bang. Well, the fun is to dress up like a human, and then you're like, oh, we're in the cahoots.

We're both dressed as humans. Let's fuck. Yes. I liked it, and then bang was just like a tiny thing at the end of that sentence, but it was so important. Yeah. Dress up like a human, go to conventions or other animals dressed up as a human's bang.

Yep, you got it. One, two, three. What are you gonna call this? Are you like a fleshy or something? I think fleshy's. Fleshy's is good. Yeah. Fleshy skitties. You're like, I've always thought that like humans

were so adorable looking to pretend to be a human and to have sex in the weird ways that humans have sex. Absolutely. Yeah. Do you have anything like that on Earth? We do, we do. On Earth, look, first of all, I do know a little bit about this,

but don't read into that too much. On Earth, sometimes people dress up as animals. What? And they go to conventions and talk to other people who just love to dress up as animals. And they tell other people that it's not just about sex. It is what it's called. What do you call those people, freaks?

I think they're called furries. Furries. Yeah. No question, it's distasteful to dress up in a shitty animal costume. Yeah, absolutely. And go out into public. And these are full grown adults.

Yeah, oh, absolutely. They should know better. Yeah, that's disgusting. Yeah, it is. That's terrible. But your idea is great. Thank you. Oh, thank you.

It's gonna catch a charm. Thank you. Speaking of just a terrible person. I would like to introduce Minibili too, magical the lights the power of chaos champion of the great holes at your office The old snow me is fying y'all the dwarves know me is soon in a new Sanges The o's no me is fying y'allok. The dwarves no me is zoning in hoog sanges. Shut up and I am known in the northeast as gasp. Glastinus, maestar. Shut up and there may be other secret names you do not know yet.

I, if I were to speak these names aloud, surely the very letters that were leaving my mouth would form into true human form and stab the in the eye for those words have great power and if they are spoken one must be careful of the outcome that may come after. I think you tired himself out? No. Those last three words were just like, I can't finish the sentence. I, well, grandpa had a seat. So, to be honest, I'm not quite feeling like myself today.

What? Arnold, we fought so long against the dark Lord of Foon, that dark Lord that he had now holds sway over all the Foon and I, we are trapped here in this prison town of Augspace. But low, there's more we could do. We could help the people of Foon by doing some charitable works and reaching out to our fellow creatures,

the humans and elves and dwarves and making their lives just a little bit better. Don't you think? I volunteer on the weekends to help kill kids. To help kill kids. You help kill kids. Did I stutter? Am I saying something wrong? What's going on?

Do you know about child death in food? There's so much child death in food. Well, it's a harsh world, and it's difficult if you aren't fully grown yet, to ward off all the things that may kill you. If you're a full grown adult and a giant bee comes down, you're like, get the hell out of here, bee! If you're a child, you're like, oh, a bee! And it eats your face.

I love when you served us his impressions of a full grown adult and been a child. Oh, yeah. Can you do like a full grown adult eating? Oh, this is delicious food. And now a child? I can't get all this food in my mouth. Now a full grown adult driving a cart.

I, uh, here I go down the streets, move horse, pull my cart faster. And now a child? I'm falling off this cart. I can't hold onto the reins. I'm trampled to death by a horse. The thing you've noticed about full-grown adults in Fune is when they're driving carts they just talk about the fact that they're driving carts the whole time. Yes. It causes a lot of accidents. Yes, it does. We should do something about that.

Maybe I'll start a charity where we promote the idea of shutting up while you drive. Shut up and drive. Are we just going to blow past the idea that the chunt is helping to kill kids? Yeah, probably. How, like, who are you helping kill kids? The kids. What do

you mean who am I helping? The kids need to die. Do you not have that phrase on earth? Kids need to die. No. No. No. You know, in the situation I just subscribe, perhaps a child decides they're going to drive a cart down the street and they fall off the cart and they'll run over by the horse and the cart, but they're laying there in the mud and they're not quite dead. And a lot of times that's because they put the cart before the horse. Yeah. Because kids don't know no better. Don't put the cart, but they're laying there in the mud, and they're not quite dead. And a lot of times that's because they put the cart before the horse. Yeah.

Because kids don't know no better. Don't put the cart before the horse, and don't put both of them over a child. And a lot of times in Foon, like if a kid's acting up, a mom will say, I brought you into this world and I can take you out, and then they do. They follow through on that promise. Yeah.

Parents on Foon are honest to their children. Yeah. That is one thing that is different from my world. We always say parents understand. Parents, they do. That's a big thing. Parents understand. Parents just do understand.

Speaking of cards, have we ever told you about the the custom accent in Foon? What? There's an area of Foon called costan and they have a certain accent. Uh-huh. And so speaking of cards, a lot of times we'll say, pack the cot at Tarakas Howe. That's a custom accent. It's an area of food that's very wealthy.

Yeah, everything costs a ton. So it's a custom. Yeah. Okay. There are their Mittens team is known as the red stockings. I have heard though that sports fans in costan are the worst. The worst of all sports fan. We barely have a huge Coston contingent in the tavern tonight. Well, you can tell somebody's from Coston because they have a lot of apples with them. They love apples. They love apples?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's all they say, how about these apples? How about these apples? You're like, enough about the apples. So I'm sad because we're not helping out people. But I'm also happy because I How about these apples? And you're like, enough about the apples. And so I'm sad because we're not helping out people. But I'm also happy because I used your magical phone device and I learned to make salsa. I'm just getting into salsa.

It's delicious. You just cut up some fresh vegetables and dip a chip in. It's wonderful. It's the only thing I've liked from out at all. So you were like, hey, I got to help people more. Oh, wait, salsa. So you've diverted that energy into salsa making? Yes. And now that I have the power of salsa, I shall truly become the greatest wizard this world has ever known. I and I shall spread this salsa all over the great land of food until the dark Lord that's been before me

I his very nature shall be undone and I shall stand over him victorious! Woo! And it's just tasty. Guys, I'm so excited. It just feels like a big day in town. I have got a couple of guests for us today. But first, I want wanna talk to a Raven,

who sends messages all over the land of Hogsface. Is the Raven not one of the guests? No, he is one of the guests. So please welcome Cermet, the talking Raven. Oh! Oh! Oh wow, he's well-trained, he just landed right on the table.

I know. Welcome Cermet. Welcome. Thank you for having me. I didn't realize it was a Raven. You're just like, I'm a bird. I don't know what kind of bird I am. I like to think of myself as a cardinal. Oh. Oh, I love all types of birds, but ravens are particularly beautiful. Okay. We'll agree to disagree on this one. This is a good question. Like, I wonder, do birds think of themselves by the same names as humans think of those birds?

Like maybe what we call a raven, birds call a cardinal. No, I just kind of wish I was a cardinal. Oh, but I am a raven. It's pretty cut and dry. It's an aspirational thing. Full disclosure, after all this, I am actually a raven. That's good to know. A self-loathing raven.

I don't, that's kind of a leap, you may know. Now, I've heard of a group of birds that like to dress up like different kinds of birds. They're called featheries. And they like to go to conventions and have sex with each other as different kinds of birds. Isn't that fun? You could dress up like a cardinal, if you want.

I will look into this. Yes. Kermit, can I ask you just because I've never had the chance to ask a crow, a raven face-to to face. What's the difference between a crow and a raven, a difference between a crow and a raven? Oh my God. We're actually the same bird. It's kind of like what's another example of that? Two things that have different names, like a cheetah and something else. A mountain lion and a puma? Yeah, I think so. I have a troll and a bridge troll. It's just a troll under a bridge.

Yeah, a raven and a riding desk. Brock and a heart button. To answer your question, a raven and crow are the exact species of bird. Yeah, only crows or ravens that have been killed and come back from the dead to avenge their own death. Look, this doesn't play in fune, but Earth people would love

that joke. Yeah, I mean, yeah. In Foon, we'd say that's so crow. That's so crow. Yeah. So you fly all over the land of Foon delivering messages. Yeah, I'm kind of a sort of affordable message service. Sure. For people who need to get messages to various mundane tasks like Canceling a haircut appointment or something like sure sure. Yeah, or there's no easier way to do that No, then you get a Raven you hand them a note. He flies to the salon and goes He's gonna be a little late Actually, Cermet that reminds me. I've had a hair appointment for the last

125 years and I've been putting off every week do you think you could tell them that i'm not coming in again this week i could tell them that if they were waiting for you any minute that it's probably not gonna happen okay thank you i appreciate it so karmic i love that they hand you the message and you fly and then you hand them the message have they considered just telling you the message and then you could tell the

people and then i would just talk it. Yeah. No, I mean, I think it's better. I don't, you know, it's like when you go to a restaurant and the waiter doesn't write things down, you get all nervous. Oh, yeah. You go, you go, you can write something down if you want. Yeah.

So, uh, or like when I get directions, I don't remember them for half a century. You write down directions for people? Yeah, I write down directions for people. So like if someone comes up to you on the street and says, how do I get to Golden Gate Park or something, you go, let me get my pen out. Yeah, absolutely. Which reminds me, what is Golden Gate Park in Fune?

Golden Gate is a pathway into other realms. So depending on how much you can afford, we have Golden Gate. We have the Bronze Barrier. Sure. And we have the bronze barrier. Sure. And we have the copper, the silver slide. Copper corridor, the silver slide.

Yeah. So the bronze barrier's got to be the worst because it is literally a barrier. Yeah. Yeah, no, yeah. That's the worst way to get somewhere. Yeah, yeah. But it's a beautiful park. And yeah, depending on which door you can afford, it might take you to other rooms.

You don't know where you're gonna go. So, I mean, I guess we should have told you about this earlier on. You might be able to get back to Earth. I should go to the Golden Gate. Yeah, absolutely. They wouldn't have you. They wouldn't have me?

No. They appeal to a different class of person. So, when someone just a little bit nicer, nicer dressed, no stain on their pink shirt. There is. There is a stain right in the middle of that shirt. And I think to be in Golden Gate or around there, I think at this point it's like 1.2 million gold for like a shoebox-sized chance of getting through. Oh, I couldn't afford it.

No, I don't think I could afford it. Is there anywhere like around the Golden Gate that I could afford? Like where would I have to go if I wanted to go near the Golden Gate? Like is there like a... Oh, Clant? Yeah. Like the land of... The land of Oaks?

It's just a forest. You just have to live in the middle of the forest full of Oaks. Yeah. But COVID makes a good point. It's very difficult to send messages through voice alone. Arnold, have you ever heard of the game? Sit around in a circle and whisper something into someone's ear and then probably get it wrong until it gets back to the first person That's the name of a game here on food. What is that game again?

The name of the game is sit in a circle and whisper something into the someone's ear next to you until it gets back to the first person and then it's probably wrong Okay, well, let's play all right play what Sit in a circle. Whispers something into the next person's ear. Until it gets back to the first person, it's probably wrong here. I'm gonna be honest, unless I write that down, I am not gonna remember. Does that work with four people?

It seems like you need at least seven before it starts. It's more people, it's more fun, certainly. Because the message is even more wrong. And then it's hilarious when you play sit on a circle, whisper something that is something to add until it gets back to the first person, and it's probably wrong. Well, hey, actually, let's maybe bring out our next guest.

And so we'll have a few more people to play this game, sit in a circle, whisper. whisper something to the next person, see it until it gets back to the first person, it's probably wrong. Yeah, before you do it, just quickly, I'll say, just randomly, I like to say this in the middle of podcasts now. If you have a question for anyone at the tavern,

of course, people on earth, you can email us at chunt at gmail.com, that's chunt with six teas. And we might answer your question. Of course, this is for people listening way after the fact it's recorded, but perhaps something will work out. But you have your own listening right now, just like you can send a message.

And seriously, we'll wait for your email right now. Or you could pay a raven, hand it a message, and they'll fly it up here. Very reasonable. How much do you charge, by the way? It's usually by the word, and I get to choose how many words. Oh, you get to choose. Yeah, I think sometimes two messages or two are brought. You can't just say haircut, appointment get to choose. Yeah, I think, you know, sometimes two messages or two are

broth. Look, you can't just say haircut appointment, canceling. Yeah, right. You have to say, hey, something came up and I want to tell you about it. That adds up fast. Yeah, it does. And you're always like upselling them on words.

I do. I'm not well. You're like, you know, I just caveats in this message. Yeah, I mean, I just want it to be a full, I, you know, otherwise they'll rip me off. I don't want to fly 30 miles to just be like, you took me to the cafe. I just had to send this message. Yeah, I mean, I just wanted to be a full, I, you know, otherwise they'll rip me off. I don't want to fly 30 miles to just be like, how's it going or something. I've never paid less than 6,000 gold pieces

for a raven message. All of my raven messages are very long. Previty is not really my strong suit. That checks out. Yep, that's it. You said we had two other guests? Yes, we do. Hey, hey, I'm so excited.

Our next guest is Bradwyn, the famous warrior elf. Woo! Oh, yeah. Bradwyn, are you all right? You seem... I thought we agreed you weren't going to use my real name. I don't want anyone to know that. I'm so sorry.

I should have written that part down. This is uncomfortable. Please, please, don't want anyone to know that. I'm so sorry, I should have written that part down. This is uncomfortable. Please, don't, I just don't want the dark Lord to know that I'm here. Okay, so I should not publicize that you're brave when the world you're out. Could you just say my name again? Okay, all right, keep saying. In fact, if you could, and I won't go anywhere, but if you could just make something up, just make up a different name.

Okay, no, I don't, I, but if you could just make something up, just make up a different name. Okay, no, I don't, I just rather not have anyone know. No, no, I'll remember not to say that you're Bradwyn the way or elf. I don't have anything, I don't have anything to write that down. So Chun, will you remind me to not say Bradwyn the way or elf? Okay, I'm going to settle in. I don't want you to introduce me again. I'm afraid that you'll just say my name one more time.

So I'm just going to relax. I'm going to assume that the Dark Lord can't find me here. And what are you doing? We were about to play a game. Yeah, we were going to play a game called Sit in a Circle. Sit in a Circle with something into the air of the person next to you until it gets back to the first person and then it's probably wrong. You all know this game. Let's just call it Raven message for short. Raven message. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, okay

Should I start? Yeah, that makes sense I don't think you we circle back. I think it's it's one end of the other. Oh, I see you so we're not gonna sit in a circle So we're gonna play a variant called sit in a semi-circle. You said, or why don't you start? All right. This is good tape. Pablo, I have to cancel the haircut appointment. I started by saying, you look nice today.

I said, you look nice today. I also said, you look nice today. I said you look nice today. I also said you look nice today. I heard you look nice today. And I heard something related to a haircut apartment. So we agree that everyone played the game, except for Arnie just repeated what I said. Also, you're intentionally supposed to change it? Well, it just changes naturally.

It's impossible to perfectly recreate the thing you would just said. It is part of the fun of the game. So, so B dub, if I can call you B dub. Sure, I feel comfortable with that. You're an Elvish warrior. Well, here's the thing. If an Elvish warrior was, say, extremely powerful, but also extremely tired of being a powerful warrior and wanted to escape somewhere. And they had heard that there was a strange creature at this tavern who had abilities to contact other worlds, and she thought maybe she could get out of this whole warrior elf thing.

Maybe she would come here. That's quite a hypothetical. That's quite a hypothetical. Yeah, that's quite a hypothetical. It's a long hypothetical, but just imagine if that were true. Yeah, then that's what I'm doing here. Wow This this Elvish warrior what what are her tools? What are her tools of choice? I mean principally just the braid just the braid The braid. Oh, yes. Is there like a razor thing to that? Is there I mean, I think just in coolness factor If you think through the elves you've known mean, I think just in coolness factor.

If you think through the elves you've known, typically there's at least one braid involved. Yeah. That is the source of our power. When many people don't know that. Are you talking about like a hair braid? I mean, the way you say it. Oh, this guy in so long.

The way you say it makes them in small and but no. I feel like I put some theme into this and I feel bad. It's all gonna be about hair. By the way, you look, you look very familiar. Is there a chance you're the raven who charged me 70,000 golden pieces to send a quick note to my mom? I did, but I think the message was excellent and concise.

You were delaying lunch by 10 minutes and I thought, no, somehow you convinced me to tell my mother the story of my birth and who knows, who knows that story better than she. And yet somehow, just to tell her I was going to be a bit late, I ended up telling her that whole tale. Well, if you saw the smile on her face as she was reading that note. Robyn, why don't you?

I miss her so much. I'm sorry, I promised myself I wasn't going to do this. Hey, guys, do you mind if just for a second, I talked to Chant and Yucidor. Am I just imagining a thumping sound? Like I feel like I hear a heartbeat coming. I cast a spell of citywide thumping. Oh, okay. I thought that maybe I was hearing the tail-tail thumping of Blenish

who we killed under the tavern. Some sort of tail-tale heart? Yeah. Oh, but it's that. It's that. Yeah, we're good. OK. Can I be honest with you guys?

I can't speak for Kermit because he heard me say something about Pablo and I said, you look nice today. I was able to hear everything you just said. Oh. Well, we usually just. I know you wanted privacy, but. We usually just slip under the table when we want to speak in private,

which is directly underway your city. So. Do you know that in one land in Foon, usually just slip under the table when we want to speak in private, which is directly underway your city. So, uh, Do you know that in one land, uh, in Foon, there are people who like to get together at tables and then they go under the tables. Now, their dresses themselves mind you, but they do go under the tables and have sex with each other. Oh, what are they called? Tablers.

Tablers. Getter table. Tables. Getter table. Yeah. The famous saying, get her table. Yeah, get her table. I could be into that.

I feel like that could be my thing. Wait, you have sex? I have. I have had sex a couple of times in my life. I can't imagine it. I can't, I can't picture it. You have to be gonna hear or from your home world. Oh, you did do it here.

You had sex with a memory Gremlin. I did have sex with a memory Gimland that I thought was my wife That it would take a lot of exposition and backstory to get into it Now BW This friend of yours a society potentially change her life What do you wish your new life to be if you thought about what career you may? I don't know. I mean, you know obviously here here in Foon, an elf is expected to fight the dark Lord. Yes.

It just gets so tiresome and I have hobbies. What are your hobbies? Yes, what are your hobbies? Well, I just, you know, for example, a couple of hundred years ago, I had a little extra time on my hands and I started making toys for children. Oh. And it's something about that. And I know as an elf, that's not something else should do.

But I just really, I derived great joy from building toys for children. And then that was a white bearded wizard who would deliver the toys to those children. Of course, he couldn't say that an elf had made them or they would have been terribly afraid. Yes. But that felt good to me.

You know, in some strange way, it felt natural to me. Yes. You said, or have strange way, I felt natural to me. Yes. Yusur, have you heard of this white bearded wizard that used to deliver toys to children? Oh, yes. Saint ammonia is the red. Terrible wizard of the North. Brutal in his demand to break into everyone's home once a year.

Four skiffs upon them. I think he rode eight thunder deer. Yes, he rode eight thunder. I think they're just called thunder. Thunder? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like saying things the long way. But you made choice for Saint-Timonius the Red.

Well, I did. I mean, initially, we were doing it out of fear because he had threatened to... He's a very secure realm that he operates and he has a list of everyone, whether they're behaving well or behaving poor layer and that actually dictates what kind of gifts the children get. Yes. Many of us feared for our lives. So I began doing it out of fear, but I ended up getting a real kick out of it. Hmm. Oh, wonderful. I'm glad it worked out. I know I have a friend, I don't want to bring down the podcast, Arnie.

I have a friend whose grandma got run over by Saint D'Amonius. Oh no. D'Amonia? Yes. What was she doing? Where was she going? And it ended what time of year, specifically the day would be helpful. I think she was walking home from our hobble, uh, Christ Must Eve.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I say there's no such thing as sanctimonious well as for me in my family We do we believe you know Absolutely Now Kermit. Yes, did you ever take messages to sanctimonious the red? I know that some children although they were terrified of receiving his gifts, sent him letters saying, please send me this, or please stop breaking into my home. Actually, I sent both those two messages at you.

Both of them? Yeah, did you read them or something? Oh, you only sent one of each? Yeah. Oh, yes. Well, it's possible. I do remember everything I eat. So if those letters were left lying around and I decided to eat a piece of paper that day, it's possible that I do remember everything I eat. So if those letters were left lying around and I decided to eat a piece of paper that day,

it's possible that I do remember them. But is it like a total autobiographical memory where you would know what day of the week it was and what you were wearing as well as what you ate? Yes, yes, I remember. Is it because you're always wearing that? Well, that helps. That makes it easy.

OK, OK. And also what year is it? What's the year? Hold on. It's 48, 379. But just to be clear, I'll really stretch it out. I won't be like, I'm just wearing this the same thing I wear. I'll say, I woke, I stood up in my bed

at a full 90 degree angle. I, and then I dawned my blue robe and my blue hat. I did comb my long white hair. I did put on my pipe and my talismans, and I did grab my wand and my sword and my staff, and I did fly forth out the very chimney of my house and did land and bank and upon the ground and said unto the day, welcome day, today is a new day. So I really, you know, of amp.

Look at that. It helps, it helps kill time. Can I ask you a question? Yes? Have you ever gone to bed the night before with shoes that needed repairing? And awoken the next morning to find that someone had repaired those shoes for you because that's another hobby of mine. Strangely. I like to repair shoes in the middle of the night. I creep in, no one can see me. I repair the shoes, and I leave them. I know that's not something elves are supposed to do, but it felt right to me.

So you're like a sneaky cobbler. Yes, she's like a sneaky cobbler. Sometimes I would just go sit on a shelf afterwards. Well, yes, these all sound like wonderful activities for an elf. An elf couldn't possibly do any of these things. Because you're set upon fighting the dark Lord, you're bred to be warriors and eternal fighters, but I is myself an internal force of nature fighting against the dark Lord.

Just feel the pain that thou dost feel for I too grow tired of fighting all the time and I want to do something to help the people. And I admire the way you've helped people by fixing their shoes and Forcing toys on them when they didn't want them. I also hollowed out a tree and made wonderful cookies for people at one point I know that sounds crazy for an elf to do that does sound a little weird But I really it felt right to me if only there were a place I could go Were we acceptable to be an elf and do all those strange things. I don't have you heard of elves from other dimensions, you're the only one that's traveled between dimensions.

Well, on my world there are tales of elves who live in trees and make cookies. Oh really? It's true, they're delicious. Well... As long as they don't taste mass produced. Ah, look, here's how they taste. They don't taste great, but I'll still eat a lot of them. Like a lot.

Yeah, that tracks. Yeah. Do any of them have fudge in them? Because everybody loves fudge. Ooh, and could you shoehorn UDGE at the end of Elf? Oh! Yes. Oh! Yes.

Oh my God. My entire life. I never realized, ELFudge, there's ELF in there. What's ELFudge? Something I just made up. I thought that she wore in those letters at the end of Elf,

and maybe it would work out, and Arnie seems to have blown a gasket. Guys, there are all kinds of secret messages on my world that I have missed. They're not important, exactly. And yet I find myself feeling weirdly upset and betrayed that I never noticed them before. Like that time that I realized that Arbis is Arbis.

Roast beef. Yeah. You have Arbis on us? Oh, man. We have Arbis is RB roast beef. Yeah, you have Arbis on earth. Oh man. We have Arbis. We have Arbis. We sometimes call it junior curls. No, you're thinking of parties. Oh, Arbis on earth.

What is Arbis on food? They're the worst restaurants on food. The worst? Yes, there are three restaurants. They're all in a corner. They all just, you can go to the Northeastern part of the country and Within the big city and there they sit in a triumphant and if you go into any one of them you're going to be sick for sure Look, I imagine they're terrible, but they can't be the worst honor. What about the food you can get from that big white castle?

I kind of like that. Yeah, it's got when you're drunk. It's kind of the most satisfying food You just got a lot of onions. Yeah, I don't I don't like onions. Yeah, it's got, when you're drunk, it's kind of the most satisfying food. You just got a lot of onions. Yeah, I don't, I don't like onions. This is a really interesting start to talk about. Do you do it? Yeah, what a great do you do it? I'm sorry, like, I know we're talking

about all your passion projects. Is it terrible that I'm kind of interested to learn more about how you killed people with your braid? Oh, braid killing. Yeah. Again, largely a, braid killing. Yeah. Again, largely a coolness factor. Yeah. Largely just shaming people who don't have braids.

It's mostly in the head. It's kind of a brain thing. I certainly have a bow and arrow. I usually miss. But I think people are so convinced that they're going to be hit that they die of fright and shame. I've never gone, I rarely go to check to see if the arrow actually made any effect at all. I'm off. I'm on my way to

somewhere else. Wow. Yeah. That's very impressive. You must be feared through all the land for these people who nearly die. I must go back to their friends and say, I almost died. She's probably killed like a thousand people. I just got lucky. And then the tales of your prowess as a fighter just grow and grow and grow. So you're suggesting that certain people live. My arrows don't hit them. They don't die of shame or fear. And they spread the word that I'm a wonderful warrior.

And that's how the word got around. Well, you suggested that some of them didn't die from the arrows? So I thought perhaps not all of them died to shame. Perhaps some of them have a lot of shame already so it kind of just glances off of them. I mean look at Arnie, like we try to shave him all the time and he just came with so much shame that it doesn't seem to have any effect. Yeah, it makes him stronger. Yeah. You can accumulate enough shame that like it's like an antibiotic. It's like a, you build a resistance. On my world, you can take shots for allergies and then you don't have allergies anymore.

It's kind of like that. Yeah, I was going to say anytime I shame you, it's like giving you gatorade. Like it just makes you stronger. Gatorade makes you stronger. I think so. What is it? It's a drink made from gators.

Yeah, it's blood of gators to help aid anyone who's unhealthy, so it's a gatorade. I thought so. Yeah. It comes in all kinds of flavors. There's cucumber lime. There's. Yeah. Blizzard flavor.

You remember those only like two flavors of gator? Yeah, oh, yes. That was the best one there. It's just like yellow. Yellow gatorade. and then like red. Yeah, and now it's got that. No, red was one of the later ones. Oh, really?

Yeah, it's gotten pretty busy. Yeah. What's your favorite? The blue one. Oh. Do you know what I like to do sometimes in the early morning? Yeah. If I'm lacking energy, I'll go out to a beautiful peak, a beautiful Alp type mountain, and

just drink the dew right off of some of the mountains. Some of the leaves, the dew of the mountain. It really gives me that. I heard a rumor about that. That beautiful golden dew. I heard if you do that, it shrinks your penis. What? You obviously don't have to worry about that.

But I heard if you drink the dew from the mountain tops, it shrinks your penis. Really? That's what I heard. Where did you hear that? Six great. Oh, and six great. Oh, yeah.

Well, that's probably grade. Oh, yeah. Well, that's probably true. Yeah. I don't... I think maybe you need to check your sources a little better. Yeah, you can't spread stuff like that around. I feel like it's just too far to go to the top of a mountain to get a drink. I would just rather...

You don't have to go to the very top. Like something more immediate. Like just drink from a doctor's pecker or something. Oh, a doctor's pecker? Yeah. Drink from a doctor's pecker or something. Oh, a doctor's pecker? Yeah. Drink from a doctor's pecker? Yeah. It's just an earth thing.

Look, I know what you're thinking. It doesn't have to be a real doctor. I mean, how is that better? We have a fake doctor in town who makes people drink from a specer. His name is Mr. Pube, but I guess it's not totally out of the ordinary, but some people like to dress up as doctors, get under a table, just something I'm into. Don't kink shame me.

Hey, you know what, we got another guest. Oh, I wish it were a doctor, but it's not. Can we do a quick email here before we get? So just by happening, Sam's got an email here from Don Bernal. Don says, I have a question for, it says, Icedore, but I think he means he's a door. Can he describe his favorite salsa recipe

and his famous recipe voice? Can you also ask if that's Don Bernal of the Bernal Heights? Is this Don Bernal from the Bernal Heights? And the phone's not answering. That's not how phones work. Well, it is actually how phones work. That's how phones used to work. And now it's a way that people don't want to interact with phones.

Used to it, or you want to take that away? Cut up four fresh tomatoes. A full onion. Cut some cilantro, some peach. Make a delicious peach salsa. Mix all those things together, fold them together. I let them mix into one another and become a single thing. And when that single thing is formed, dip thine chip within it.

And with thine chip carry the delicious salsa to thine mouth. And experience att taste sensation! You know, Saint Dominius the Red, some people believe that he was a false creation of Coca-Cola. Do you know Coke-Dup-Co-Walla? Coke-Dup? Coked Up Koala? No. Is that what you said? Coked Up Koala? Yes. He was a Koala who was very fond of opium,

and he also made delicious softened drinks that originally had cocaine in them. You like to write the nose loops, if you know what I mean? Wait a second. You have cocaine in this world? Oh, yeah, baby. So much more makes sense now. I mean, we don't partake, but I'm sure muddle could get you a bump.

You want a bump? Maybe after the show. Because some people like to have a little pep, see? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. I want to come up with one of these. I don't know.

There's a head. Starting to figure think I can. I don't know. Starting to figure it out. Here's the thing, though. We spend so much time just talking, talking, talking. Let's take 15 seconds to just sit quietly and just think, can we think of, I mean, this isn't maybe the game, but maybe think of a really cute koala, maybe like an RC koala?

That was terrible. That joke was like a koala zero. That helped. It's like we got a couple of walkouts on the, it's how it is that. It's like, hi. Before I- So we just a couple of water sprays.

I don't know how you could walk- It could just be two people that were excited to be reminded that cocaine exists. They're like, wait a minute. Hold on. I can't believe they walked out before I thought of one. Or maybe they thought it wasn't going to happen, so they didn't want to be in pain.

Well, while Kermit thinks of one, and before we bring out our last guest, let's have one more email here. This is from Caroline Schunard. Caroline says, I'm from San Francisco. I'd like to know is there sourdough bread and fune? Oh yeah, sourdough bread. That's a bread on my world that is so delicious, but no one eats it and it's kind of like a little extra unhealthy.

Take those 15 seconds and gather your thoughts. Yeah, okay. So you're from... Okay, no, no, Take those 15 seconds and gather your thoughts. Yeah, okay. So you're from... Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, yeah, we have that. We have that. Okay, as well. Absolutely. But it's baked into a bread. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's gross. Tang bread is just, it's a white bread. It's very delicious. I could see it being called sourdough in another place.

But if you eat it, it makes you evil. Can I be honest, I'm like 20% listening, 80% trying to think of sodas. Yeah, well, let's, let's, save with me a late 10, 90%. Let's check in with our first edition of a new segment called Kermit's Corner, where we check Kermit to see if he has a koala as saying. No, I don't.

And that's been our first installment of Kermit's Corner. Cheers. I'm sure he has something, He's just being LaCoy. Wait, well, this is a rich mind, but we've been delaying our guests for seven minutes. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. Yes. And I was approached before the show by these people called

The Wishmasters. Oh, if you've heard of them. What a wonderful group They're very popular apparently. Oh, they do wonderful things for ill people. Yeah, yeah, better than making toys for tots They do good. Well, I'd deliver their messages for a 40% off discount the Wishmaster came up to me and said that there was a boy named Timbo, the eternally ill, that wanted to be on the podcast. Oh, is he just a little squirt? Oh, man.

I know if he's eternally ill, he doesn't have a lot of energy. So if you could just surge whatever he's got in him and just come on up here. How does this work? Do we stand in the suit? Oh, yeah. Everyone stand in the and just oh come on up here. How does this work? Do we stand in the suit? Oh yeah everyone stand in the suit for this eternally sick child. Oh oh Arnie he coughs so you know he's sick. Yeah hello Timbo. Hello, sure, this child had 20 minutes sitting at the bar to think. I like this child. I ran up quite to tab.

Oh, my God. This is our second installment of Kermit's Corner, where we're checking with Kermit. Does he have Kermit has anything to say? I feel like if you watch Kermit's face, he's getting progressively more upset. I wonder what a new one comes out. Now eat even though Timbo is just a little square to you. You seem like a kind boy with a heart of ruby red. Thank you very much.

It's an honor to be here. You know when I was three, I contracted the plague and they said I wouldn't last one harvest, but I've been here for several harvest now. And I've gotten several other diseases along the way. I got sent-centre herpes. Ooh. You got sent-er herpes? Yes.

What we call it herpes-y. Or heps-y. Yes. I got that. I got rot of crotch from an Arbise. Oh, yeah, we have that on our world. We have that on my world. Yes, so I'm just hanging on, but I'm really happy to be here.

He wasn't my first choice of Castapod. I have to be honest. What's this? Well, there's another Castapod where across Fune it's called First Man on the Fune. And the guy who did it, he died recently, so I defaulted to this Castapod. Arnie, you're not even the first fucking podcast in food.

That's the only thing you had going for you. I mean, it's not the only thing I have going for me. Oh, I mean, I had that sweet lookoy bun. Now, Timbo, I have a question about your name. It says your Timbo, the eternally ill. Yes. Does this mean you never die in your eternal ill, or is it just sort of like a nice way

to talk about, you know, what time you have left? That's a good question. I very much perplexed all of the doctors in town who keep wanting me to drink out of their crutches. But I don't really know how much time I have left. I just keep waking up each morning. Glad to be here. Oh, that's wonderful. You're such a sweet little boy. Have you ever thought about

becoming a sort of disease bomb to throw into the middle of the dark Lord's forces? Oh, snap-o! Could I do that? I don't know we could say snap, although. That's not a soda. I mean, look, it's like a reverse bullseye. You start in the center, and after a certain point, you can kind of get, fuck, and chocolate milk at this point. Chocolate milk? I'm not.

Why are chocolate milk? Milk? Midwestern style. Yeah. Look, I felt the dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago, where we say milk. Hmm. Do you like milk, dying boy?

I only like it if it's fresh from the dick of a doctor. Yes, right? I believe Dr. Bill. A pecker of a doctor. Yeah, please, let's keep it classy. It's a doctor's pecker. Yeah, whoo, this is getting tasty. Now, does this milk help keep you alive? Yeah, whoo, this is getting tasty.

Now, does this milk help keep you alive? Because I noticed when you sat down, I heard all of your bones breaking. Yes, I'm just a jumble of sadness now. Yes, yes, it's very sad. Yes, I don't really know how much time I have. I don't even know if I'll make it through this cast of pod. Oh, no.

I might not, but at least I'm going out in a field of soda punnery Here's here's what I ask of you if you could hang on for however long it takes for Kermit to come up With a drink that would make all of us so happy and they're gonna be more. Well, this is a vertical soda stream of things that we're Talking about also. I realized I said Yahoo instead of you were talking about. Also, I realized I said, yahoo instead of you. Yahoo, seriously? I know, I'm not feeling good about it. So, so Timbo, you decided you wanted to come on a show like this, but this was your second choice you said. Yes, yes. There's actually a whole network of pod over on the other side of Foon. Oh, yes, there's weight, weight, don't kill me.

That's very popular. No McDonald has a show. No McDonald! Oh, he's, I bet he says milk. But you know, I'm happy to be here. I don't want to downplay it. I'm just happy to have the time. Did you have a story you wanted to tell or something you wanted to share with the people?

Did you want them to learn from your trials and tribulations? Really, I just want to be heard. At all, usually people just churn me. They don't know how to talk to me. Oh, that's so sad. Yes. Because people don't want to hear from children and they don't want to hear from sick people. And they definitely don't want to hear from sick people who have been sick really like

for years and years and years. So people probably kind of don't give you the attention you deserve. Thank you. I'm glad to hear that. Oh, there goes my hearing. Oh, no. Oh, Timbo. Timbo. Timbo. Timbo. Timbo. Look at me. Timbo. Look at me. Read my lips. We are here and we want to hear your story. Tell us. Feeling fear. We are want to fear the foray. No, no, no. Oh, he went so far into having that game. We were playing. What would he have heard? I think I know how to fix this. I think I know how to fix this. EW, can you grab his ear and just squeeze it? You know what? I appreciated that. Have you

actually seen it? I don't know if you're the right wizard for this job, but are there a wizard out there that could restore some of the health of this poor boy? I am the right wizard for every job! Yeah, I shall take on this task and I shall be the one who cures Timbo the eternal ill. I shall call him now from this day forth, Timbo, the former liel. And ye, he shall still be ignored, and none shall want to hear his desperate sad cries for his dirty face and his broken bones shall ne'er men completely correctly, because there's

only so much wizardly science can do. But yes, no longer shall he suffer from day today. I now cast this spell upon the scuron buff, wrang, I'll laugh, then ting, y'all, fwak, ah, ah, ah. Is that helping? Oh, he's barfing. I'm not sure if the spell's working, or if he's just having a horrible seizure.

I feel better. You've done it. Thank you. a horrible seizure. I feel better. You've done it. Thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome. You Sador again has saved Foon. I am truly the greatest wizard of this age. I probably should have looked in your mouth

and looked down your throat before I did that. If you have some side effects, come back and see me in a couple of days here. I've got barks. Oh, no. Well, that's not in a disease, exactly. That's a little old fashioned, isn't it? I don't know if there's anything I can do

about that right now. Let's check it in a couple of days. Just keep coming back and I'll get you through everything. Did your dad have Barks? Yes. Isn't Carks a root beer? Is he doing another one of those things? My father was the one with fight. Well that was mine then, I got one. Well to be fair you kind of hijacked it. I've actually found out we have another guest, so I know you so much wanted to be heard. We still want to hear more from you, but I also really want to bring on Matt Daabin, the giant dwarf. Oh, Matt Daabin is here.

Oh my goodness, what a large dwarf. That's a huge dwarf. Don't make fun of me. My mother was a dwarf and my father was a giant. I'm a bastard. I'm embarrassed. I was kicked out and now I have to Wonder the land of food as a concert T-shirt vendor. Oh That's what I'm doing on town today for food fest. Oh, that's right. Food fest is in town right now. Yes Food fest is in town. That's Yes, Foonfest is in town. That's why I assumed everyone was here.

Yes, exactly. Who's playing at Foonfest? I want to know. Actually, just, I made a list. Oh, good. That's... That's Andy. Let's see.

A tribe goes questing. Mm-hmm. Of them. Fast wolves, old the giant swords and rope, caged the dragon, claws, claws, and Lord, but not with an e at the end. What about Bella Tricks and Sebastian Paul? Oh yes, them too. Always that was was the brother and sister but it's not it Lord without any but apes with a Z Yes exactly

Exactly, I think metallurgy is playing. Oh, yes, it's exactly. There's a good But I'm selling concert T shirts outside the bar outside the tavern if you want to get some I eat food. Poon. That's one of my Yeah, uh doorclord. I have eight of those. Yeah, sir. Very funny Is that a sword in your pants or you happy to see me? Elves do it longer. Oh My dad do they do. Oh, you're an elf look at the brain My dad went on a quest and I'll he brought me back with this lousy t-shirt

It could I possibly get a it was it the tribe that goes questing? Yes, try this twisting could I get a tribe that goes questing shirt because I heard this is like the last quest they're gonna do on this side of food Yes, that is true. I only have one left in a medium. That seems to be your size Flattering Yes, that is true. I only have one left in a medium that seems to be your size Flattering Around I wear a medium. All right, come with the Raven. I also have some rings myself Small spell rings. Oh, are the spell small are the rings is minor spells I should say not not what what kind of spells can we cast if we have said rings? Oh, well, there's a get In front of the line at the piss pot.

That's one of the more popular ones. Yeah, you're useful. Yes, yes. You don't want to, because when that pot starts to roll, don't look down in the pot. Yeah. Never look down. Piss pots and cliffs, never look down.

I always say. Do your business and walk away. Exactly. Unless you're a shit creature, then that's where you live. Eeeh! What else do I have? Tall? Just tall?

Makes you tall? Oh, you have a tall ring? Yes, so you can see over other people of the concept. That's nice. There's one ring that does my request. Whatever your request is, or an encore. The traveller's a very popular on course, huh? Do you have a ring that cures all diseases?

This is Timbo, the eternally ill. Hello. Oh. Oh, well. Oh. No, I don't have a call for ex. That's a smart question. It's understandable.

That's true. We never really went into how many, if any, of the diseases that you have have are contagious. No, it seems to know, except I've lost most of my friends and family. Oh. Yeah. Most of my dick fell off at one point, but I am a giant dwarf, so there's plenty left. Is it difficult being a giant dwarf?

Yes, I was kicked out of my community. Treated as a freak. I look like an ugly human. Yeah, don't die. Sorry, no offense. Are you human? I am. I am a human. OK, I thought you might be a giant dwarf, sorry.

Yeah, and I know, you know, look, it's hard to tell, like, race to race, but I'm actually quite an attractive human. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm just a very, very attractive human. Can we, I don't know if this is true. I heard amongst dwarves that there's something they like to do a game. They like to play, like the game we played earlier.

It's called improv for humans. So since you're a human, would you do maybe some quick, just like a 30 second improv with this dwarf? Look, I would have to explain how improv works. And I would have to like, this, I don't know the story. There's certainly no way to know from listening so far. Look, on my world, there's this thing called improv, and you're always 20% listening, 80% thinking of a soda

that no one has said yet. Mm. Sounds real hit and miss. It really, it is. The valleys are very low, but the peaks are very medium. Oh, how can I get on this dog pile of jokes? It sounds like a math problem so far. Yeah, it's a form of entertainment.

Well, it's more entertaining for the people doing it sometimes. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I'll try. I'm up for anything. OK, well, I guess could I get a suggestion of... Kermit is probably the most well-traveled and learned of us. Kermit, do you have a... What kind of... what are you looking for? Just any word? I got one. Cinnamon.

Cinnamon? Yeah. Okay. Cinnamon. Hey, welcome to the cinnamon store! A last call! Uh... Last call, everyone! Okay. Sure, can I help you? Oh, yes, yes, it is last call.

Do you like a pint of cinnamon already? What's that? I'm just watching. Oh, yeah, I'm here to get some cinnamon plays. Okay, got you a pint of cinnamon there. There we go. That's very good. I mean, I already, already, already play a character.

What's that? Play a character. Do a funny voice. Try. Look, not all in Brahma has to be funny characters. It's a very valid choice just to play something very close to yourself. That is true.

And suddenly a blade in the gut. I said last call, didn't you listen? Shunk. Head tumbles off. Someone make that to a mug. What a twist. Support. I can't get my head back.

He called for your head to tumble off. Guys, yes, and it. Look, I know I've implied on the show a little bit over the years that in my world of Earth, in Chicago, I did some improv for a time, and I guess I maybe implied that I was a good improviser, but I kind of wasn't that great. Is this a sad tale I came in the middle of this? Yeah, at that point in the scene, usually I would just sort of sad tale I came in the middle of this? Yeah.

At that point in the scene, usually I would just sort of slowly slink back to the back wall of the stage, you know? Hope it's something else, what happened? It's just so disappointing. Never meet your heroes. Yeah. Oh. Oh, no, your timbo.

Tim, tumbo. Timbo? Tumbo. Tumbo. Tumbo. Tumbo? Have I made no impact on you at all? Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Tim, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Timbo, Tim, Timbo, Tim, Timbo, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, What's that? Cormace is checking in. It's just a generic... Just a generic corner. What are the four corners? Spice or anything?

No. Back to you. That's been our third installment of Cormace Corner. I'm going to quick get a drink at the bar, but I'll be right back in just a second. Well, Arnold has suddenly absconded in the middle of his own podcast. As he's very want to do, which reminds me, I'm sorry, a giant wolf.

What was your one name? Matt Dabin. Matt Dabin. It's a pleasure to meet you. I am Usador the Blue. No. Yes, I think I've heard of you. Hood Stanzas. Correct. Yes. You know me well by my dwarven name. Yes. So, yes, I think I've heard of you. Who stands this?

Correct. Yes, you know me well by my dwarven name. Yes. Oh, and it is a pleasure to meet you. Now that the festival is about to end, what is your next stop? Oh, well, I also do beheadings. That's why I worked it into that improv scene. That's the second most popular group gathering around is besides festivals is beheading so I'll sell t-shirts there

Matt Davenmeer asked you Sometimes at festivals I see people who have a human well Human or other human-like body but have like a horse for head or Do you know what I'm talking about it's almost like a rubber mask that for some reason they're wearing at a concert? So they're dressing at a concert. So they're dressing up as other creatures to get attention, basically, to become their own show at the show? Yes. Is that something that you have a spell to cure? Oh, to get rid of that person.

Yes. Oh, yes. It's a simple spell, red and annoying person. Okay. Does that cover also people who bring large inflatable balls? Yes, it also people who sing along to lyrics, the popular songs, or loud and you can hear and also with no tone. Wonderful show that they know the lyrics. Wow, yeah. So many small spells. Do you know, I feel like we are so close to having enough people to play a game of sitting a circle whisper into your neighbors here until it gets back to the first person and it probably won't be the thing that they said to start with. Well, I just want to make sure we have room

because we already have seven up. Damn, damn Arnie! I mean, she had to sit on that for a long time. To be honest, she fucking crushed it. It sounds to me like a joke a sprite would make. We already did sprite. We already did sprite. But I wasn't here.

It's not your fault. It's not your fault. I even went to the bar to think of one, and then I forgot it when I came back. But while I was at the bar, I'm so excited. I met someone that agreed to be another guest. Ladies and gentlemen, Jasmine Honeyjam, I believe. She's a fairy.

Oh. A sprite, if you will. Oh, Jasmine. Hi, everyone. Nice week. Hi, Jasmine. Hi, thank you. Hi, so is this my seat? Yeah, please see it. All right. Hi. How are you? Although I have to be honest a very sick, very contagious boy sat in that for quite a while. I've got every disease you can even imagine. I've got every STD that goes around

phone. Oh really? Oh yes, I've been around. Do you have a Senate R herpes? Oh, plays three times. Three times. You can't get rid of that. I'm sure you're like, can't get rid of it. Mine will have more. No, mine as well. You know, lean in. So Jasmine, what do I do?

I'm a fairy decorator. Oh. Yeah, well, you know how fairies and sprites and the like, we like to be tricky. Sure. I like to go in people's houses and just mess up what we see or move a chair or a magic mirror to the other side and you're like,

I wanna put my magic mirror over here. Well, I was doing that and people were really loving what I did. Oh. I found that people would just be like, wow, you know, I didn't think my sword collection was here, but I'm loving there it is now Like probably at first they're like, oh, no, that wasn't there before But now that I look at it, they loved it and so I really got into the business

And so basically what I do is just I go around and I flip your house, you know or you're your Huffle for your castle Or whatever the case may be so say you've recently overtaken a kingdom. But you want to make that castle yours. You don't want the other owners, the other kings, you know, handprints all over the place. But so I just go in and I make it yours. You know, if your symbol was the lion, I come in and, you know, lion it up per se or I change your dungeon around. You know, maybe you like the rack and I come in and, you know, lion it up per se. Or I change your dungeon around, you know,

maybe you like the rack and the person before you, like, you know, they iron maiden. Well, I'll just put racks everywhere. When you go into a castle, like, do you just look around the space first or do you kind of try to get to know the new item? Oh, I want to know you. I have everyone fill out a huge scroll.

OK. And just tell me likes, dislikes, species, any of those things are just important. When you're, I want to find out who they are. I spend time with them. Could we maybe go through that process? Sure. This is a Kermit.

He's a Raven. Kermit, hi. Nice to meet you. And just like Kermit, where do you live? Do you live in a tree? It's embarrassing. I live in a Trump building. You live in a Trump building? Yeah, what's a Trump building in food? It's a building that's better than all the others. It wins. It literally trumps the other buildings. Oh, okay. I don't really. I personally I think it sucks just to be clear. So you live in a Trump building right now and you want to redecorate it to what you want it?

What's your taste? What's your style? What says you Raven? I just I like shabby chic. Oh Then I'll do a lot of sort of like old skeleton bones and wicker. Oh Wow, retro, you know, kind of Sure, do you live in a nest in that building? Or do you sleep in a bed? I have a nice, I have a king size, king Raven bed. King Raven bed?

Yes. Great. Well, I just, you know, like you like worms, I take it. And pecking out the eyes of dead soldiers. I do. Oh, great. Well, then I'll make sure your cabinets are stocked with that type of delicacy for you. And'll you know leave basically dead bodies up until you're you know

Just so you can trail an eat and live and be a part of that and that sounds like you write this up for me like a proposal We do a proposal. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Of course. I mean there is my fee. What is that? Well, that is seven sprinklings of money Oh How much is seven sprinklings of money. Oh! Oh my God. How much is a sprinkling? Exactly. Wait, so just take a pinch in your hands and you sort of like sprinkle it over a ferry. And that's how much money they get to. Oh, seven times.

Mm-hmm. Wow. And where do you live? Where do I live? Yeah, I've been banned from my community. I'm just like, I traveled with the festivals basically. Oh. I was actually going to ask if I could crash with one of you tonight.

Oh, I'm currently in Cawseway. I did a cell here in the prison town of Hogsface, but you could probably stay with Arnie Archant. Yeah, I mean, if you can fit my hobble. Yes, I don't think so. I've had some of the, do you know the Fisherman's Dwarf? I've had some of those guys stay, the Fisherman's Dwarf. No, I see. Yes, okay. Very good. I've had some of those guys stay, the... I've had some of those guys stay, the...

No, I see, yes, okay. Very good. When you said if I fit that through me off for a second, people are saying, oh, you don't fit here. You're too short, you're too tall, so... I'm sorry if you've seen that term. No, I'm very sorry if you've seen that term. I'm trying to find a place to write fit.

Yeah. Have you ever, like, in your travels, when you go from town to town? Do you ever come to a town and you're like, I could live here. I get to sit down roots. Yes, yes. I wish I could say that, but I feel that I have a carny life. I must always be on the road, and that's where the money is.

Well, Jasmine, what kind of home would you decorate for him? Well, some people just carry their home with them on their back basically all you need is a satchel Mm-hmm, and you know, I think a lady by your side. Oh What are you saying? I'm just saying if you like herpes. Oh I've never fucked a fairy before. I always thought I would crush you. We're magical. We can get bigger. You can get smaller.

You just clap real loud. And we come back to life. We're amazing creatures. That's great. You can get bigger than smaller. Yes. That sounds great. I guess I'd like to stick my penis in your vagina

and then have you just small enough what's really tight on there. Oh fairies can definitely get... I'm sorry go ahead. Fairies can definitely get larger and smaller because of that old adage matter can be created and destroyed. Which brings us to our fourth and final Kermit's corner. Kermit how we doing? We're doing... you mean how we doing on time? I think we're out of time but I just want to check in one final time. No, I think we accomplished a lot. Well, you know what, I just think everybody, for...

Sorry, I couldn't think of a drink. I wish I had like a cool A to help me or something. Oh! Oh, yeah, that was a good one. You know what, Kermit? Worth the weights. You know what, Kermit, when you said sorry that you couldn't think of one, I was going to say sorry that we spent so much time trying to think of them, but I think I was going

to be insincere when I said that. So I'm glad that you did come up with one. I feel really good about it. Thank you so much. Thank you everybody for stopping by the tavern. We are literally out of time. I'll be starting rings and t-shirts outside the tavern. And if anyone wants to come see me afterwards,

got a dungeon they wanna redo, got a basilica, they need changing, you know, I'm your girl. Yeah, so many of us have things to sell and diseases to spread. Thank you so much. We are Hello from the Magic Tavern. Goodbye, Timbo. You had a good run. What's the most fun about a live episode? I can't choose between the technical issues or the yaw and pitch of the audience's interest

level, but could you feel the energy of that San Francisco crowd? Any one of them could found a company that changes the world, or write a memo that brings that company to its knees. Shant the Badger was played by Adel Rafaia. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Kermit the Raven was played by special guest Todd Barry. To find Todd's standup dates and more, go to ToddBarry.com. Brave win the Warrior Elf was played by Janet Varney.

You might know Janet as the voice of Korra in the legend of Korra, or the host of the podcast The JV Club among other things, like co-founding the San Francisco sketchfest. Timbo, the eternally ill, was played by Cole Stratton. Cole is also a co-founder of the San Francisco sketchfest, and co-host of the Pop My Culture podcast. Matt Dab in the giant dwarf was played by Matt Besser. Check out his podcast Improv for Humans, especially episode Mirrorface,

where Arnie, Adel and Matt are guests, or check out another better episode. Finally, Jasmine Honeygem, the fairy decorator was played by Danny L. Schneider, host of the Real Housewives podcast, Bitch Sash. Craig, finish up here. I'm gonna check out the live episode of Radio Lab, where they record while surrounded by an unnecessary degree of indulgent sound design.

Hello from the Magic Town was produced by Arnie Neacamp, Evan Jacober, and Ryan D. Georgie, this one edited by Garrett Schultz. Music by Andy Poland, logo by Aller LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Special thanks to outside lands for having us, and to Todd Berry for agreeing to do the show at the very last second when Matt and Danielle's flight was delayed and it looked like they wouldn't make it. And of course, special thanks to Matt and Danielle for rushing to the show from the airport

and actually making it. So basically, thanks to everybody. Visit us at aloefromthemagictavern.com and check out our new merchandise page, lots of fun stuff to buy there, and also check out our live shows section where you can see info on our upcoming live shows like the now here this festival, September 9th in New York, or WBZ's podcast, Passports in Tebra 17th in Chicago, and more. Also visit us on Facebook or Twitter, special thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and thanks to Ear Wolf.

podcast co-op and thanks to Earwolf.