Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 27 - But What About Forever Girl?

Episode Date: September 18, 2017

Eternia the Forever Girl is back to let us know what life is like for her under the Dark Lord's reign. Also, believe it or not, part of the riddle gets solved.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungEternia: Becca BarishMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Oh, and I don't want to delay the show, but I have a live show announcement and some fun merch news. I'll do that after the show, so it's kind of like a cliffhanger, you know. Makes you want to skip past the episode, right? No? Alright, we'll see you later. Oh dear, the most popular part of the show is over! Leaving us no choice but to take another joyless conversational trudge through Foon. Enjoy-ish the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon I'm your host Arne E. Camp.

If you're nearly listening to the podcast before, this was going on. About two and a half years ago, a little bit more, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago. Into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Unfortunately, it's been taken over by the Dark Lord. I am imprisoned in the prison town of Hogsface, in the land of fun. And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, at Chunk, the talking manager. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm devour of chaos, champion of the great hoes of Trockus! The Elves and Mies being Yalek, the dwarves know me as Dunin and Hook Stangers, and I am known in the North East as Gasmines, Glacenes, and there may be other secret names, names of such great power and potent

that if you were to speak them aloud, a giant wind would appear. Do you use the burp? Yep. So somebody said what your name was? Was, that's a giant wind who in the bar just said one of you should our secret names Who said it? Was it yeah, I don't find it. There's so many of them someone could have done it by accident Could be or you today Arnold you know what I'm doing pretty good. I'm feeling all right good Yeah, you're looking good. Oh, all right. Good. Yeah, you're looking good. Oh, thank you, bud.

Yeah. You know, I feel like last week, we all kind of like were struggling a little bit, but this week I'm just feeling better. I don't know if it's just that the weather changed or what. And I'm just excited. I've been wandering around the tavern, trying to unlock its secrets.

So, wait, why did you get so excited for it? I've been wandering around the tavern trying to unlock its secrets. Oh. Oh wait, why did you get so excited for it? Like that first half of that sentence, your eyes lit up and the second half you're just like, look. I thought it sounded like you were going to say you're excited and I thought you're excited about the new salsa I made this week. Yeah, you keep making salsa. Mm-hmm.

I mean, this one has peaches in it. Oh, not really my thing, sorry. Peaches and mangoes. Oh, man. That is good. Yeah, yes. Has anybody seen my farting peach? No, not in like a year. I've been a long time. Oh Good. Oh, no What is it possibly? Anything's possible. Hmm. Really good. Now, does the salsa taste like farts? I mean, there's cilantro in it. You were talking about looking for weapons, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. I'm so sorry to interrupt this fascinating salsa conversation to talk about how I have been wandering around this tavern looking for magical weapons! I accept your apology. Do you find anything? Because you said we're made salsa. So... Whoa. One-o. No. I didn't find any. I accept your apology. Do you find anything? Because you said or made salsa, so

Whoa, one oh no, I didn't find any 15 love. Okay, but I'm gonna unlock the secrets of the tavern You said or do you remember what the riddle is we're trying to? Yes, of course. I remember because I ate it and I remember everything I eat a Cave beneath the orange beast. One door west and three doors east, down and down and down you go, until the river starts to glow. Face to face with Swams McGee, you shall see the breaking of the three. Blow the water man must group, until he finds sweet penelope. Hmm, wait, was the doors part again?

One door west and three doors east. One door west and three doors east. One door west and three doors east. Okay. All right. Think I have an idea about, oh this time that hit you in the sweet spot? I was like the 20th time we've read that. And now you have an idea?

Yeah, maybe. What is it? 20th time we've said that, not read. Oh, sad, okay. Because I remember it. Yes, of course. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You absolutely remember it. I love how you recall is so clear that you're like, yes, I remember it. Yes. And then it's about 20 seconds later. I remember everything I eat. Oh, sure. But it takes a while to recall it. I just feel like, you know, Arnie, I think when you sort of like, I'm gonna recall what, you know, that what I ate

I feel like he puts his hands up to his eyes and I can see that there's writing on his hands. Yeah, like he's sure He just wrote it on his hands and he's reading it. He's written everything down on his hands It's just it's so small and he's trying to find me. He's proud. He's proud. So let's just sure We'll have it. Well guys anyway, we can figure all of this out I think I figured out part of the riddle, but let's pace it out over the next several weeks. No, tell us, just tell us. Guys, I'm much more excited that we've got a guest, a returning guest, that remember the magical forever girl, Eternia. Oh, yes, of course.

You would you say is one of the most powerful things on food? Yes. Whoa! Eternia. Did you see who was that you? No. No, it wasn't me. Did you, did someone speak my secret name? No, it's, it's me. Powerful things on food. Yes. Very. Whoa! Ternia. So is that you? No. It wasn't me. Did someone speak my secret name?

No, it's the magical girl who is young forever. Eternia is back on the podcast. Hello, Eternia. Hello. Good to see you. Oh, this thing's magical and young forever. Eternia? Eternia?

Eternia? Is this one in the middle of the day? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I must have made a mistake. I thought. Excuse me. We're one over? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I must have made a mistake, I thought. Uh, excuse me. We're looking for Eternia. I am Eternia.

It looks like you have a hernia, that's whole of you. Really? Prove it. What about me looks like I have a hernia? The way you're double over in pain. Your face? Yeah. You don't call for months, and then I come back here,

and you treat me like this so horribly. Eternia. You were calling Eternia. I Mean I didn't know I was about to open the door and call her name I want I was assuming that you were just you'd be yelling for me and I'd come right by but no one's even said my name at all I was listening for it, but it's only what what has happened to you. You were such a Sweet beautiful little girl and now you're this with a old crone Okay, there's a way to stay it without the You were such a sweet, beautiful little girl, and now you're this withered old crones.

It's the greatest stain without the regal, filthy, cutered, vile, as pickable. Yeah. What is it? On the dark Lord took over. Things changed for me. I was a girl so pure of heart, that I could I could never age and as soon as the dark Lord took over things started changing for me very drastically

Yeah, obviously. Oh, yeah. Oh my goodness. I was thought I would come here and be treated respectfully But you treated me awfully. I say this with a lot of respect. You look real bad Yeah, listen, I think older women are beautiful. I mean, do you know the woman who sits on the mirror, Helen? Oh, no. She always sits on a mirror. She's, yeah. Helen mirror.

Yeah, Helen mirror on, we call her sometimes. She is like 80 and she is stunning. Sure. You look like 60, 50. Men age like fine wine and women age like a leather purse. Oh, and that's what happened to me. Tony, please forgive me. You are still a wonderful magical creature,

and I spoke so awfully about you, and I owe you the debt of gratitude and thanks for you. A wonderful being in this world, and you do not deserve my harsh words for I to have felt the pain of the dark lords time in power and I was forced for a long time to drink a magical potion that may be of my powers. Have you ever gotten your period for the first time and had hot flashes in the same week? No, no, have you ever lost your baby teeth and then grown adult teeth and then lost your adult teeth and had to get a bridge in the same week? I did that but that was that was a thing I was just trying out for a while. I'm just saying I

Think it sounds like you've been through some rough stuff, but I don't know if it compares to what I've been through. Right, I would agree. That's right, you are eternally young for so long. Yes. And how quickly did this process happen? Of you becoming going from a little girl to an old crone that is so old that I couldn't even measure how old you are. It comes in waves. Sometimes I'll have a nice moment and I'll go back. But did you ever see that play, Jack, about that rabbit that gets old really quickly?

Yes. It's kind of like that. Oh, no, the Jack rabbit. Yeah, it's pretty sad story. Pretty awful. Yeah. So it's just been a rough, uh, rough, you remember, and I was from a family of Nazis. Oh, yeah.

You know, the nicest people you'll ever be. I forgot about that part. Well, there's one good thing that's happened. My mother can see again. Also, she's not a Nazi anymore. She's not a Nazi. Someone came to her and they said, do you want to see someone whose eyes isn't, it's me, someone whose eyes isn't, or someone whose eyes isn't, she says, I'd rather be someone whose eyes is. They said great, so she joined ISIS. Oh, no, wait. It's beautiful.

Yeah. It's been good. It's been rough. It's been rough on our family for a very long time. It is, yeah. Once a Nazi malice is. Yeah, and even before that, we used to keep track of all the people in town, take census, and then they had a Taliban. Oh. And they wouldn't let us do that either. So really, we've been through the ringer here.

You really have. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. It's been awful. But luckily, I keep busy and just been trying to enjoy what I have right now. Yeah, what's what what do you count amongst your You said you try to enjoy what you have what do you do from day to day now or that you're this change I Celebrate the Jewish holidays. We just celebrated

Rochashana wonderful and Hebrew that means head of the year. So 10 Jews get together and talk about the best blowjob they've gotten in the last year. Oh, and that's a very nice spiritual thing for us to all go through. I'm bringing everyone together. It does, because sometimes you know, some do the stories are similar

and some of the stories are very different. What's the most different one? The most different, uh, a blowjob. Yeah, but also, no names that you've heard. Well, how about you guys go first? You ask me all the questions. You tell me about the best blowjob you've experienced in the last year. I have a horror story actually. I'll tell you.

Oh, yeah. I have a question for you actually, Chant, because this happened to my friend. She is a shapeshifter, but didn't know she was a shapeshifter, I guess. She gave a blowjob to a horse. Her mouth turned into a horse mouth. So then no one wanted to talk to her. I wouldn't even look in her mouth. Anyway, I don't even know where she is, but she just decided I'm going to go have sex

with myself. Brought a dildo into a cave. I'm assuming she turned into a dildo, but I don't know what cave she went into. Oh, jeez. Oh, so she'd have to go find her. I'm looking for... Is anyone... If anyone hears of a dildo in a cave...

Yeah, I mean, there's a cave, maybe four miles north that has a purple vibrating stalagite. Okay, check that out. The stalagite is a stalagite. It's hanging tight. And a stalagite might touch the ceiling. Oh, so it's from the top. I'm sorry, from the top? Okay, so a stalagite, the stalagite,

a stalagite might reach the ceiling. Okay. Once in the astral plane with my, a lady-love genelivia, we put our mouths around each other, and in our astral forms, we're able to pleasure each other from head to toe with nothing but our mouths. Well, it was the most incredible experience I have ever had.

Wow. That was my story. Yep. Next. I've had story. Yep. Next. I had a quite a dry spell myself. Sure. I got some hate from a walrus once. Did it hurt?

Yeah, it was all tusk. Oh, yeah. Not good. Afterwards did you just say I am a walrus because I assume you must have. Yeah, I was like whoa go go do Sure, mm-hmm. Well, it's special. Yeah, attorney. Oh, I I guess I wanted to know more about what it's like to just age so rapidly. Oh I just I It's the it's the not knowing yeah, it's the not knowing what's next. That's a really tough thing

um and also to have people treat me so disrespectfully every time I walk in a room as if I didn't already. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to do you as I walked in. May I ask a potentially sensitive question? Are you still going to live forever? I don't.

No. My hope, my hope, is that someone does something about the dark Lord and maybe I can start going backwards because I have glimpses of going backwards. Yes. And that's what my hope is, but as I get more and more bitter, I worry I may never go back. Oh, now my resolve is strengthened once again. For I shall take up arms against this stock Lord when I am freed of this prison And I shall smite him down in return the forever girl to her former glory The last time I was here you gave me a prism I was a halt, but I can't even figure out how to use it wouldn't help me

It might help keep you in this state and keep you from aging further and and dying It might be a Sav in this state and keep you from aging further and and dying It might be a sav in this difficult time. So what do I do with it? I've just been holding it in my pocket. There should have been a little pamphlet There should have been some prison rules was it? Yeah, oh You don't you don't want to break you don't have a prison break you get the little pamphlet There were seriously you could have put the directions all over my body I wouldn't even known to look seriously. There you go. I carry an extra one around. There you go. You can just, just read that to your Lisa.

Oh, okay. I can just recite it to her. Sure. It's hold rock. Wish. Oh, two simple steps. Is it powerful enough like maybe it can't completely return her to being a forever girl, but it could at least reverse the process enough that she's maybe she's no longer a forever girl, but not yet a forever woman? Yeah, I mean, you sort of said he would return you to your former glory, but there might be some leeway for like some newfound glory. Yeah, that could be a good option.

I suppose if you want to be a forever woman, that might be possible, it depends on what you desire. Well, I don't know. I mean, I was thinking about my friend Amy. I haven't seen her a long time. Someone said, if you see K-Me, you should go and check to make sure that she's OK. I could look out for her a little bit.

Will you be chasing her? I was chasing her for a little bit when I was kind of going through my swamps McGee phase, you know, women can walk. Oh, well. Wait, wait, wait. See that again. I was chasing of going through my swamps McGee phase, you know, women can wait, wait, wait, see that again. I was just swamps McGee. That's probably the riddle. The big turtle guy, the big turtle guy who has pinball nimble bottom alive above his fireplace.

That's right. The riddle. What was that riddle again? I gave beneath the orange beast, wonder West and three doors east, down and down and down you go, until the river starts to glow. Face to face with Swams McGee. Shall see the breaking of the three ability. Do you love face to face with Swams McGee?

It's very rare I'm with someone face to face. I like to turn around and fantasize about being somebody else, but it could, it's possible. Wait, when you turn around, do you fantasize about being someone else? No, it's fantasize about the other person. Oh, that is, man. Way more so. But you don't being someone else? No, I fantasize about the other person being someone else. Oh, that is what I mean. That's the best thing.

But you don't know what? You don't know what? I still can't get pregnant. Oh, what? Oh, yeah. I can still have my fun. You skipped right over that pot. Hmm.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, literally there was a day where I was like, I'm ovulating, no, I'm not. Yep. Yep. Oh, boop-bito. Bye-bye. Such a short window.

The time for you. Yeah, maybe I a short window. The highum for you. Yeah, maybe I'll go back. Do you want me to finish this riddle? I will say, ovulate the never. That's true. What was the part about the doors? One door west and three doors east. Down and down and down you go until the river starts to glow.

Face the space with Swans McGee, so see the breaking of the three. Below the water man must grow up until he finds sweet pemelo. Let's go grow up in some water. I have an idea, guys. I'll be right back. I'm gonna go to that room in the tavern that everybody shits in. Your room? You should see what water does to my skin

when I'm against a current. It's incredible. It looks like my arms will look like sails of a current. It's incredible. It looks like my arms will look like sales of a boat when the water hits it. It's incredible. Can you maybe like pull up your armor and pull down some skin platter? Yes, it is very a lot of skin on your arm.

Yes. Thank you finally, a compliment. You're welcome, man. I have lots of extra skin. Some of it is attached to my body. Some of it I keep back in my hovel. But I'm just a I'm a fan I collected. Everyone is always born with different amounts of extra skin. I've met two skin. Oh lots of my skin is not mine. Oh. It's skin I found collected, curated. How many skins? It's skin I found collected curated how many skins? Oh, you know, let's see some are animal skins

Some are a humanoid skin We gotta get you up the four I have it. I have just have a set of drums three skins And of course Come on give us four skin Yes, there's a lot of four skins go great. Oh, okay Use it up. Yes, sir. What do you have any names in the West? Do I have any names in the West? Yeah, they're like the Western part of food I have any like region specific names in the West Yes, of course I do like what is one?

Salamander Pondu Sal what? Salamander Pondu Salamon Salamander Pondu Salamander Pondu that's I've known in the West. Yes, that's what I don't know why that's one of them why and in the east your No, I'm not In the northeast I'm known as gasmoneous Mesa. Okay. All right. Thanks. What what what we have you ever been to the Southwest Yes, I have you ever met my friend groupsie boarding Groupie boarding. Yeah, groupsie boarding. She lives in the Southwest. She's incredibly. I'm oh I've had the pleasure Always cranky, but I say it's your fault. I mean check in early if you don't want to be you know groupsie boarding

Yeah, she always says why didn't you check in yeah? Yeah, absolutely Well, so be a little forget and then you know if you don't check in with groupsie boarding then you might she wants me to make her a priority. I'm like I'm doing that. I have other things to do I mean no no no no no should be more united. Yeah. Well of course have you been down to the Delta me or the front? Yeah you yes, of course I've been to the Delta Wow It's real shit all that What was that guys guys did you hear that noise? Yes, what was it? I was in that room that everybody shits in in the tavern It's a bathroom. I should in your room. You should in my room. What baby? Do you hear the attorney it was at you that was me? I

Think I figured out part of the rental. I think attorney aida baby Sorry, we got to potty talking. It's just got me feeling young again. Okay, come back. What happened? You know, hey, first of all, attorney, I get it. Last week I was just saying that when we start talking about butts I just feel happier and more connected to my friends. I get that. This is Tussador This is Sean and we're good and butts Is that what we're doing? No, no, I was just go go call fuck off Tussador has always so close to the table now. Like he's... It's right.

Yes, he is very close all the time. Well, as I was saying, I was in the room that people shitting here at the tavern. And I noticed that a lot of Usanor's names have been written on the wall. Do you stand on the toilet if you, because you do a bowel movement standing up, right? I do stand, I do shit standing up.

But do you stand on top of, so you get your dirty shoes on the toilet? I do. Okay, sorry, come back to, that was less important. But then I kind of tried to wipe the toilet itself off after I'm done for my shoes. But there's also lots of shit in that room. Like not everybody, like, it's a, it like not everybody like it's a it's a tough room

Sure, it's a tough room to go into speaking of tough room He also did a chance night where he did stand-up shitting no way he shot while doing some Some people liked it. He just he was literally pooping and saying what else what else? Well, I heard people around town saying he shit the bed and I just wasn't sure what they were referring to. That's an unrelated story. Are you okay? I mean I'm okay. Yeah. The bed. You used to know, though, I hit glass anus once.

Yes, me anus. You used to know, I hit Solomon Dupandu once. That's your name in the West and I hit. Gas meanus may stop. Glass anus. Glass anus. And I hit glass anus. Stop a miss and I hit glass a miss stop saying glass a miss three times Hmm, and I heard that noise underneath us. Oh

Do you think it open to see your door? So that was the one door west and three doors east? Yeah, cuz I don't know if anyone's noticed this door is in his name You you said doors. Yeah, so it is you said door Yeah, I don't hear it, but okay You see the door you saw the door. Yeah, you saw the door. You saw the door You see your door you hold the door you open the door you go in the door. What's the door? What's the door? It's a use a door. What would you think the noise was it was something in the basement? We should go into the basement. I'm down. in the basement. We should go out to the basement. I'm down. Come with us to the basement.

Yeah, let's go into the basement. Now, Chant, I know you haven't gone into the basement with us. It's a little spooky. What? Are you ducking like that? That's just how I say it. It's a little spooky. It's a little spooky.

Isn't that how you say spooky? How do you say spooky? I say, oooookie crisp. Okay, but anyway, come down to the basement. It's a little spooky. What does your voice keep doing that? It's just, is that how it's pronounced? You say it like this.

Spooky. Spooky. I'm here, you're here. We need to meet in the middle, okay? I said no. Grab your microphones. Off to the basement to the basement. You should be sure to stop saying come showed. Do you want me to stay up here and sing musical theater? Oh my god. Did you see hairspray? The one about all the rabbits that were yeah that were the victims. Yeah. That was a horror. That was the saddest show I've ever seen.

That's a great idea. We don't want other people in the tavern to know that we're finding stuff out in the basement. So, Chunt, if you and Eternia could sing some songs while you said, or an eye, go down to the basement and figure out what happened when they hit the... So, we're now when I invited? You're invited to sing. Yeah, always a bride's maid.

Okay, what should we sing? How about something from rats? Which, a more familiar with hairspray. But... Like rats is a classic. Okay. When you're a rat, you're a rat all the way from the book of your teeth to this closet in the way. I feel...

Ready? Where's my daddy? You never get old. You're always biting something. Me? Bump, bump, bump. Uh, I'm saying that, guys, just come on down. Just come down. Let's all go down to the basement. Chode, you car at the door. Since you're so wide, it will be difficult for people to get around you. You two, Comrade. You stay here with Chode.

Get too many horses in this bar. We've got too many horses in this bar. But there was some kind of sound down here in the basement, so we have to look around and see if anything has changed down here. Oh, hold on, hold on. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, can they be light?

Yeah. So we just got to look around for clues of anything that seems different. Ah, the clue? Darn it! This is fun. I think I'm feeling like a kid again. Yeah. You're looking like you're beginning to be age.

Thank you. You're ovulating. Oh, no, it's gone. Wait, you can just tell that to look at somebody? Yeah. Oh. I mean, animals can always fail. I guess that's probably true.

I'm Mother Robert's nose. Yeah. Oh. Attorney, is it disorienting to be dramatically cycling through ages? It absolutely is. I gotta be honest. It's very bizarre. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Oh, this is kind of spooky

It is That are will be oh yeah, it is there's a Ruby down here. Wow, usual prism. Okay, yeah, this Ruby Yes, put your prism up against the Ruby and see if it has a reaction Prism I use you for this. Is that what I do? Excellent. Okay, perfect. Huh. Ruby.

It's actually mechanical, and it's opening up. Oh, what a wonderful little automaton. Oh, yes, so. Oh, my gosh. A very fastened crystal entity. There's tiny slippers in there. Ruby? Sleppers? Yeah, that's what it just

fucking said. Why don't you try to put them together? Like this? No, not perpendicular. Yeah, maybe click touching. Not touch. Like, knock them together and say something. Not something like that. Wait, two something or something like that. Not knock them together. Wait, two dicks touch like that? Yeah, like this. Just tip the tip. Like if two dicks were kissing. There's a word for that actually.

Dic kiss. No, it starts with an F, I can't remember. I was searching at the end of the video. Don't say like a butt kiss. Like a dick would butt kiss? Yeah. I don't understand that. Knock them down, put them together.

Come on, team, let's twerk. Why, what about just click the heels of the tiny? Oh, you're pretty easy. There's a tiny parchment in here. Oh, it says, there be no place like home. There be no place like home. A store book, rather. What if instead of clicking the heels together, I just put my fingers in it?

And look, my fingers are a little lady. Yeah, that's great. The fingers are a lady. Well, that was delightful, let's get back upstairs. Wait, but, crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy.

That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy.

That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's. Oh, they're back in the Ruby. Oh, oh, oh, is the Ruby at home?

I guess so. I don't know. Shitty trick. Can you do that? No! Can you click your heels together and go home? No, I've never. They don't call a shitty trick, huh? Try it. Yeah. It might be a cheap trick, but it's not a shitty trick. Is it possible the whole reason that you're here is really some government propaganda to make you appreciate the life that you had before coming here? Oh, it's possible. Okay, just give it. If we can enlarge this room and its contents, you assist a transport in and out of the tavern. Nice.

Who gets to wear the heels? Well, one of you used to wear secret names is slippery. It's true. Maybe he should wear the slippers. But I guess you have the smallest feet. Yeah, I mean, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it, it's, it's, it, it, You said Dorothy. You said Dorothy? Slippery, when wet, swamps, McGee, Gropanith the water.

When beneath my wings. Gail, a gail of wind. You said Dorothy, gail of wind. Did we solve something? I don't know. Yeah, let me take this ruby now and cast a spell upon it. Cool. Oh, dear, healthy. Try and the contour or fun talk or fun talk.

It's big enough now that you can wear the slippers. And I'm little. Can I put them on? Yes, of course. Oh, okay. Okay, so you want to put, you want to go toes first, and then heel, so it's going to be toe, toe, right? Okay.

And then heel, heel. Okay, so it's like dress up. Mm-hmm. Okay. Ready, set, go. Now these slippers will help keep you in your youthful form. Okay, so it's like dress up. Okay Ready set go Now these supers will help keep you in your youthful form and you can go out into the world and spend happiness and cheer where there's so much darkness and sadness Oh great when we came on this journey down to the basement we got a turning what she was looking for But I never did find it a courage

Why you keep dipping into that spooky voice? There's not how you wait, isn't that how you say courage? No, you're saying like you say spooky say spooky We're all spooky. I'm just curious about are you lying? You choose courage of all the things what made you decide that courage is the appropriate one for you Well, I'm really smart and I haven't in large tart, so I Yeah, courage is the only thing I'm lacking. Yeah, it's clearly chumps up without a heart and I'm really smart when I have an enlarged heart, so I... You do? Yeah. Courage is the only thing I'm lacking. Yes, clearly, Chancellor, without a heart, and I'm the one without a prostate. Like, that old spherry tail.

Yeah. Yeah, you know. So, should I do anything else with this? Now you can go out into food. Go out and make people happy. Wherever you go, remind them how wonderful it is to be a beautiful, sweet, innocent forever girl. And whenever you're sad, whenever you start to feel the age, keep up upon you. Simply click your heels together and return here to the ruby. And have a drink with us!

So anytime that I feel like I'm getting older, I just click my heels? Absolutely, that's it. What the fuck is that? Do you see that? What? What? There's behind that curtain. There's an old man. Oh? Do you see that? What? What? There's behind that curtain. There's an old man. Oh!

Do you see that? No, the pain of a d'henge into the man behind that curtain. No! Why? I don't know. I've always wanted to say that. There's a guy right there. Come out.

There's a man in that mirror. It's the same looks, man. Oh, yeah. It's just the person in the curtain. Reflected in the mirror. Sorry. My bad. What are you looking for me?

Oh, oh, oh, old man. What are you looking for me? Old man, take a look at my bed. Are you a Jimmy? Uh-huh, old man. Who do you want from me? Old man, take a look at your life. I'm a lot like you. I... I've been down here. I've been hiding gifts for you and the tavern. You've been hiding gifts?

For two years. Wait, have you been watching Blumish with his... ...sax of flower? Oh yes, I watched them make love anytime. It was disturbing the sails. Can you turn around? You're so, so old and yet... I could.

You've... You've retained your attractiveness and vitality, like a fine wine. Well, there is a male's age, they become more attractive. That's why I've known as the Silver Fox. Are you part fox? Yes. I want water fox. Water fox, you have fly a little devil. Silver Fox! Are you part fox? Yes, I'm one quarter fox. Corner fox, you fly a little devil.

Silver Fox, tell us your secrets now. I tell us where are these secret weapons hidden here that's having the cannabis defeat the Dark Lord? Oh, the hotel. I can't tell you have to find them. If you do not earn them, you will not be able to heal them. Goodbye! Wow, that seemed brilliant. He disappeared into a puff of smoke. Oh, he just stepped behind that curtain. Oh, I... You know...

Guys, let's respect his privacy, okay? No, I'm just saying, I'm steady by this curtain for a reason. I'm gonna call Volty where I see Volty, he justshev. Just stop by the screen. He's clearly right there. Who the- But it's just I want to talk to us. Just pull it shut. That's fine. I'm not gonna talk to him. He's behind the screen. I'm not gonna talk to him, but I'm not gonna pretend he's not- Yeah, just pull it shut.

Just pull it shut. Thank you. Okay, look, if you- here's the thing, the old man, if you don't want us to talk to you, be quiet. I think he took my shoes. What? I think he took my shoes. What? I think he took my shoes.

Where's my wallet? You sure do you have your prostate? Look! I don't. Some of a bitch. Oh wait, he left this tiny slip of paper in my pocket. Where my wallet is. He's a tiny slip of paper, slip or...

Slipper of paper? Yeah. Guys, I think this random wordplay is eventually gonna get us somewhere. It looks like you reached into your pocket there was a small change. You reached into your pocket there was a small change. The paper says it services Good King Irving Clark, rendered where Rash or Fos and Bark, behind our words no need to go, but find the final undertow.

It services Good King Irving Clark, rendered where Rash or Fos and Bark, behind our words no need to go, but find the final undertow. Here, give me that so I can eat it. Okay, yes, I used it or eat it. Guys, I think I know what we need to do. We need to burn all the riddles and stop searching for it.

Trying, we need to stop trying to do anything a riddle tells us to do. I've been saying for years that prophecy is a bullshit. Sure, I mean, there are time does and who cares? Right? But some of these riddles have caused things to happen! Like that ruby appeared down here because I hit those parts of your name in the room! That we should do what a dime is?

No, what's a dime? Like a unit of measurement? Oh, like when you buy drugs. Oh, yeah. You get a dime back? China, if you've been taking a lot of drugs lately. Hmm, maybe. Hmm, it explains a lot.

Can I borrow your quill of course You just brought on this fucking hands I used to hang on a corner with two guys named Irving and Clark. Yeah nice guys corner Irving and Clark. Yeah, nice guys. Corner. That sounds familiar. Has was there ever a King Irving Clark in Foon? Did you say the Burger King you fell through

was on Irving and Clark? It is an Irving Park and Clark. Burger King, King Irving Clark. King Irving Park and Clark. Irving Park and Clark. Irving Park and Clark. Burr and Burr and Burr and Burr and Burr and Burr and Burr. Rendered where Rasha foes in Bach.

Behind the words, no need to go, but find the final undertow. Grasher's about to portal. Maybe, but how are we supposed to solve that? If it's on the other side of the portal. Old man, hey old man, silver fox. Yes, yes, yes, it is. Hey, do you know anything about this riddle? I told you the closer curtain, leave me alone.

Please leave me alone. I don't know anything about a photo. I know that many weapons who did it here... ...weapons of great strength and power. But if you do find them yourself, you will not be able to wield them. Okay, well let's you go. Leave him alone, he really has a cold. Well let him go after he does one more thing. Can you do one more thing for me, old man? Sure.

How do you say spooky? Spooky. Alright, thank you. How do you say spooky? Spooky. All right, thank you. How do you say courage? Courage. Right, see, I had it, right, love. I have a clever, do you have a rash? Is there anyone rasher than you?

I mean, I- Do I see anyone with a rash? Rash, rash. Is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is Is Brescher fat? Maybe it's about bacon. Bacon? I did get a sandwich with bacon on it when I went to the burger. Yeah, you see there's a cross between a bacon and an alligator or something? Bacon Nader? Oh, the bacon Nader? Oh, sorry.

Oh, no. It was very sad. I'm so sorry to hear it. I'm not as sorry as I was to see it happen. Turn to me and said, well, it's judgment day day a piece of shit. Oh, I was so sick Yeah, exactly literally just standing there. You don't deserve that. I was standing there eating grapes That's aggressive. How are you? How are you eating grapes? I was eating grapes? Yeah, like was it like this? What I know that not prevent it was a worth eating grapes like to do touch. No

I can't remember with the... Docking. Docking. Should we go upstairs and read some emails? Hey, chunk, have you got any emails this week? Yeah, there's an email here. This is from John Yeager. He says, Tussador.

Hello, Magic Tavron Trio. Hello. Hello. Hello. I was just wondering if perhaps it was possible that Tussador might just be a portion of Eucidore's personality that may have separated from him due to a absolutely not. That's right, John. Well, I have an email. If you email me at Magic Tavern and puppies that supplies, it's a really email address.

Here's an email from someone named Jessica. Did you guys know the Soulwalker gave Arnor his memory back as well as magical testicles? Have you heard anything about him? Watch your back now that he remembers you, Carnival Wilson. Love Jessica. What's that? News to me. Do you think he could give... Is the door's prostate back?

Oh, maybe. I'll just grow a new one. Hello from the Magic Testicle. I'm your host. Terry Gross. Who's that? Who? Who?

Ah, just a match. Just a name I made up for a magical testicle. Sounds wonderful. I think when I would think of a testicle, I'd think of that name. I think my next offices and bosses characters will be a testicle doctor named Tery Gross. If you have a gross testicle, don't you want to let it out in the open, like get it some pressure? Oh, I was just thinking it's just like a mass of testicles. Oh, gotcha. Hey, Arnie, long time listener of the podcast, I listen to you guys on deployment while

on the USS Carl Vincent, an aircraft carrier. A lot of the guys that serve, with me, love you guys too. Just curious, are Chun or Yusador veterans of any branch of foolish military? Just curious about the military might of fune. Good luck against the Dark Lord dudes. Keep up the great podcast, yours Sean Crosby. Well, I have never been an official part of any or military organization, but I am an honorary general of the Good King Bell Roth's army.

But I have served beside the brave men and women that do serve under that wonderful king. Rest his soul, thank you for Oun to take care of him. Now that he has left us. Jonathan, what about you? You've worn so many hats over the years. Have you ever never been in a military, but I've been a guard.

Yeah. Have you ever thought about joining the military? No. I don't like, I think whatever uniform I would wear would, you know, I'd have to keep getting it resized. Oh, yeah. So that changed shapes so much. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. Your clothes don't change size with you. No. That would be insane. Well, if I had purple pants and I'm sure, and every time I changed, purple pants just grew with me. Yeah. That'd be weird. Yeah, it's so inconvenient. I mean, just think about how often China's changing form. Every week, another form, he would need so many different uniforms. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, purple pants. That's weird in itself. Yeah, right? Yeah, who would make that choice? It's a bold choice, but what I respect it's a little bit of style. Yeah, it's incredible Have you thought about joining the military? Oh, no, not really. It's a choice. I respect. Didn't you say there was a branch of military on Earth

called the Arnie? Oh, it's the Army. Oh, I thought you said Arnie. No. I mean, there's a garbage pale kid that makes that connection. Is there a legy? If there's an army, there must be a legy. It only makes sense.

It does make sense. A belly? Are you talking about my belly? No, do you feel self-conscious about it? And that's why you asked? Maybe I do. So on earth there's kids who live in garbage pails in the 80s Do you have box-card children? Are we just doing word association? I became an honorary general by writing up next to the army. I didn't really ask. I just started shouting orders. Huh. I Once had sex with the seal

What color was the seal? It's like a dark blue. Oh, interesting. Yeah. What was its mouth like? Weyless teeth and walrus. I'll say that. I am a seal.

Boop boop boop. Boop boop boop. Boop boop boop. Boop boop. Boop boop boop. Boop boop boop. Boop boop boop. Boop boop boop. Boop boop boop. Boop boop boop. And as the master of identifying clusters of prepositions once declared, that's over with, usered or the blah, sorry the blue had a grain of truth lodged in my throat was

played by Matt Younger. Chant the Badger was played by Adel Raffaie, the argument who wished upon a star and became a real boy. Eternia, the former forever girl, was played by special guest Becca Barish. Becca performs with world news tonight and little tuties at the I.O. theater in Chicago, as well as running improv for anxiety at Second City.

Craig, time to work your time on Earth Magic. Hello from the Magic Tab, and was produced by Arnie Neacamp, Evan Jacoba, and Ryan D. George. This went edited by Chris Rathgen, music by Andy Poland, logo by Aller LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistants by Garrett Schultz.

At the top of the show, I slightly teased some live show news. Man, I really need to get a better live show announcement sound. But the big news is that the New York Comic Con live show next month sold out so fast that we're adding another New York show, Thursday, October 5th at the murmur theater in Brooklyn. It'll be a whole different show, totally different guest, so if you weren't able to get tickets to the Comic Con show, you got a second chance in New York. Or maybe you did get tickets, but you want to go to two shows. That's cool too. Or maybe you only see shows in Brooklyn, which...

That's your thing, I guess. The rumor theater's name is spelled weird. Probably the easiest way to get tickets in info is to go to hellofromthemagictavrin.com and click on the Live Shows tab and all the info will be there. But that's not all. I've also got some merch news. No, that's the live show's sound. Do all these buttons make the same noise? Well, anyway, if you want to buy an adorable Get In Nuts shirt with a cartoon used to door and shut on it, now you can. We've got a Get In Nuts shirt and a new logo shirt

at Topotaco.com, and I don't want to talk about earth stuff shirts and the magic tavern dress up magnets are all still available at podswag.com. And the used to door shirt is at Ann Arbor T's. Look, there's a lot of stuff all over the place, but if you go to Holo and the Magic Tavern dress up magnets are all still available at podswag.com and the Usador shirt is at Ann Arbor T's. Look, there's a lot of stuff all over the place, but if you go to hellofromthemagictavern.com and click on merch, you can see easy links to everything all in one place. So if you're looking for something Magic Tavern related, hello from themagictavern.com is, you know, a good place to look. You can also visit us on Facebook and Twitter, by the way, that's just a fun thing you can do. Thanks to the Chicago podcast, co-op, and hey, thanks to Earwolf. They didn't even notice that the whole side wall is gone now. Probably they had some brains between them.

Boy, Danny, you wanna... Can't watch Bluemish have sex with this flower wife. Boy, Danny, you and I can't watch Blumish have sex with this flower wife.