Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 3 - Satyr and Beholder (w/ Elliott Kalan and Stuart Wellington from The Flop House)

Episode Date: April 3, 2017

We learn more about the arts from a goat man and a giant floating eyeball.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungDustin Hoofman the Satyr: Elliott KalanGlobulous the Bowtied Beholder: Stuart WellingtonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. No need to believe in the existence of other dimensions, excepting perhaps a good toasted pretzel bun, which is a whole other dimension of enjoyment. Now, credibility's safely vanquished, enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arne and you camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before. This is mostly what you need to know. About two years ago I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of fune. Luckily I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal

from that burger king through the dimensional rift, which I've always been using to upload a podcast I record here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the Town of Hogsface, in the land of Phoon. Unfortunately, I have to add to that that the Dark Lord has taken over the Town of Hogsface, imprisoned the whole town, and is now forcing me and my co-host to keep doing the podcast while he tries to study the trans-dimensional effects of the podcast. But we're gonna turn lemons into lemonade. We're gonna have a good time. Plural, what's that? You said you're gonna turn lemons into lemonade. Yes, let's have a couple lemonade.

Do we have for me? One for you. I'm, yeah, like, yeah, let's have some lemonade. Spread it around. Yeah, share the wealth. Share the wealth. I like it. And I am joined as always by my buddy, my co-host,

John the Talking Badger slash sheep shifter. King Bung. Yeah, yeah. I like it. And I am joined as always by my buddy, my co-host, John the Talking Badger slash sheep shifter. King Bung. Yeah, yeah. John, what is the status of you as king now? Like all the badgers, like not only rejected your kingship, but tried to actively try to kill us here in this tavern. Yeah, well I think if you're subjects, don't train,

maybe you're not a good king. So I'd like that classic king working. Oh sure. Yeah, things are looking bad. I'm still king though. So as long as I don't give up my crown, I'm still king, and as long as I'm still alive. I'm going to press the regards,

let you keep wearing that crown. Well, I've been working some side jobs for the guards, trying to help them out. I brought in some new games for them. I let them gamble. I sort of get them whatever they need. You love making up games. What's some of the games that you run the guards through?

One of the new games is called Sorry. Yeah, where it's just like, I'll smack them in the face or kick them in the nuts and then be like, sorry. Oh wow, and they like that. They do like that. They do like that. I got to remember that. I'm going to try that out.

Oh yeah. Oh, and I'm also joined as- What's play right now? No. Sorry. I do not like this game. Don't love it, but I'm not a guard. Maybe if you are in a real, if you're in a strong position of power, that's a kind of

game you're really into, right? Like you kind of just want a little bit of that. Like you're like, I'm in power. But I really just want to be slapped and someone to apologize to me. Oh, like some SNM? Slaps and mouths? Yeah, Slaps and mouths. Yeah, we call that SNM, if you want.

Oh, yeah. Oh, great. Are you a slapper or a mouth? I slap. You're slapped. Yeah, I think that sounds right. Sadly, I got to confess, I think I'm a mouth. Mm-hmm. I'm also joined by my other co-host who's not as jovial as he usually is.

I am Yusudor. Wizard of the twelfth riddle of a fesious master of light and shadow. Minipulator of magical delights. He's getting a little bit of his groove valor of chaos, champion of the great holes of Tarakas. The elves know me as fying yellow. Fanging yellow. The dwarves know me as shown in in hook stangies And I am known in the north is just gas winnius me star

Oh, and there may be other secret names that I cannot whisper But until I am Allow to stop drinking this potion. I shall not have access to my great wizardly powers That's right. I'm excited. You're getting a little of your stamina back But they've been giving you a potion that cuts off your axis, your magic? That's right. I am not magical, I'm drinking this potion, I am a simple human like you. The foul filled with hair and smells. I hate it. Stop making fun of how I'm filled with hair. It's disgusting.

I used to cut a little bit of my groove back because I ate a chip. And I think last week. Yes. What? Can you walk me through what that did exactly? I was brought into this world by a conspiracy of birds and wind and air and frogs that did demand that a champion rise and come forth. So I ate one of them to get in that power. I see.

So you're saying, the more birds you eat, and does it work with wind too? Like if you were in like a fast-moving carriage and you stuck your head up the window and just opened your mouth and ate a lot of wind, would that kind of also still you with power? Yes, filled my lungs with great powerful gusts of air, and then certainly you said to me,

it would be closer to his form or self. That's good to know. Because guys, we're doing this podcast because the Dark Lord is forcing us. But we also have to do little by little, day by day, tiny bit by tiny bit, find a way to fight back. It is imperative that we fight back and defeat that evil duck. No, I think we just wore him out. I made up another game you want to play it?

No, is it anything like that last one? No, it's called Do You Care? Where I do something and then I ask you if you care or not. It's mostly played in the middle of the West. Okay. You want to play? Sure. I just drink your lemonade. Do you care?

Oh. I'm trying to actually remember how the game you care works. What game? Never mind. I do care. I do care. I do care. I got us lemonade.

You won the game. Come down. Who are guests this week? Oh, that's a very good question. I'm so excited. You know, sort of the silver lining of having the Dark Lord being invested in this podcast is he's using his minions to kind of get us some better guests Usually is whatever weird ruffian stumbles into the tavern, but I'm excited to have some higher caliber guests and guys

These are some very magical seeming creatures. I don't really know how to explain them but but here our guests one of them is a giant floating ball thing with one eye and And I'm sorry sir. How would you how would you even describe yourself? Well, I'm a floating blob covered in stalks with eyes on it with a mouth No, I'm a beholder. Oh a beholder and I'm wearing a bow tie of course That is a very dapper bow tie the holder and I'm wearing a bow tie of course that is a very dapper bow tie I like to look nice when I'm on podcast sure and brings the whole look together that

bow tie and my name is globulus you didn't introduce oh I'm so sorry I am so sorry globulus greetings bipeds and quadrupeds yeah great is that your given name globulus because you don't look like a globulus. I was born into it, of course. Okay. When I was spawned from globulus the first, and then I destroyed him, I took his name. Oh, that would do it. You know, sometimes, you know, like, John, I look like a chant, right?

Like it's like, oh yeah, you do. Some people look like their name and some people know. You just say, you know, giant floating slime-climbered eye doesn't look like globulus, you know. What would you say he looks like? Like a hank. Well, globulus, so you were born out of the first globules and then you killed him? I devoured him and now I am the first globules.

Oh, I see. Is it sad though? Like, it's gotta be a traumatizing thing to do to the person that brought you into the world. No, I'm the first. I'm the best. Why would I be sad? That's a good point.

What? Wait a minute. What is sad? Oh no. I don't want to accidentally, that's not an, that's not an emotion I want to. Arnie, he doesn't know what sad is, don't make him feel sad. I know, I don't want to. He's wearing a bow tie, let him have this.

It's true. Let him have this. Yeah. Yeah. From my experience, people in bow ties don't always process negative emotions well. I'll cover your tracks for you. Sad is an acronym for Students Against Drunk. Wait.

Stuck Students of what? Students of the University of Phoenix were a great Phoenix to thigh every morning. And they're just against like one specific drunk? Yes. they hate Finlay. Finlay? Finlay the drunk. He's a town drunk. Denyam sad. I'm against students and drunk. Oh, but I'm so sorry I've also been neglecting. You've brought another guest along with you and you're sort of like a half man half goat kind of creature.

I'm what you would call a satyr. Oh a satyr? A satyr? A satyr? A bit of satyrist. Wow. It's wordplay. Yeah. So you are a writer? Yes very much. A writer, performer, producer, director, Yes, very much. I write a performer, producer, director, designer, art director, scenic director, poet, and... And you work for me. Also, you work for Glabulous? Yes. Well, in a way of speaking, Glabulous is my patron. I of course, perhaps listeners have heard of me. I am the renowned Playwright actor Dustin Huffman. Oh my gosh, that's Dustin Huffman? Yes, clearly he's not there.

Oh my, I've heard about him Arnie. There are four great actors in Fune. Wow, there's Brando in Foon. Wow. There's Brando the Marlin hack There's Robert the Sparrow super hack. There's Cocker Spaniel De Lewis. All right. Oh, wow And there's Dustin Huffman. Wow. Oh my god Consumandial De Lewis is the only one of those I would dain to share the stage with It sounds adorable. We are very honored to meet you. That's accurate.

May I make a confession on to you? I'm sure. I saw you in one of your first performance when you played Romeo and in Julia. It was a difficult performance because the Julia I was with was not very good. She was not very good. I was happy that you murdered her at the end of the film. It was originally written. But I felt it was the only way to express my true feelings.

And to play the love scenes, the only way I could fully embody it was to imagine I was playing the other part as well. Oh, sure. And in that moment, I could then love myself, being as a creative force, a great lover, and as a satire, of course, which means I have a genetic free disposition and ism and oh wow it's something that I'm not proud of sure but it's comes with being a goat man do you see you own it man you own it do you struggle with your hedonism uh... I you're always drinking yeah well somewhat I am a fond of a, a fan of a forest, Martini, every now and

then, hard to get these days the proper way, but it's long been an obstacle to my attempt to get at the true heart and honesty of the dramatic arts. Yeah. And Gobiolis has been very kindly and helping Foon achieve the sophisticated drama it deserves by helping assisting in bank rolling some of my more recent efforts. And now you create and start your own magnificent works. Yes, I've been working a one-man show around the land. Autobiographical. I looked into the stories of history, the stories

of imagination, and I found the only story really worth the telling was my own. And so just the story of... So brave. Thank you. I appreciate that. So brave to realize that the only story is, you know, like the only story worth it, damn, is yourself. No, I get, you know, I'm afraid to realize that the only story is, you know, like the only story worth it, Damace, yourself. No, I get, you know, I'm not an actor, but if I were, I'd probably play myself. Hmm, perhaps if you were. So what's this one man's show? It's a, yeah.

It's helped, it's, it's. It's gonna be better than all that other crappy grinning. It's the best. Tell them about the scene where your mother's holding a baby you. And she lets out a big fart. It's hilarious. You know what, though? That's... Maybe you could...

Act out the scene. I will... Do my aim, yes. This is difficult when... Not to put you on the spot. No, no, it's, I mean, I don't know. The, uh, the, uh, well one, uh, the fart is something I've wanted to talk to you about, whether it's necessary to retain it and-

That's hilarious! Or you can't just ask Dustin Hoothman to fart on command, he's a meth-head actor. Oh, oh, okay. What's- what's that? That means he needs to do meth in order to act the frill. He is a- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he His, he even asked, I suppose. Yes. Okay. Do you have meth for him? Otherwise, don't ask him to turn on command. I don't. I don't know how to get meth in any world I've ever been in.

It would be hard to fully communicate it to the listeners Sure. Without, of course, my expressions, my posing, and so forth. I'll try to do this. So I'll be playing the part of my own mother in this scene Telling myself. Oh my gosh. But you got to imagine he's got this really funny dress on.

He looks really silly. Perhaps, perhaps. So, up the listeners, I'll describe my emotional status I watched. Oh, yeah. Right, it's, um... Dusty. Dusty as I look into your perfect, perfect little face. Poignant.

It's so brave for him to be his own mother describing him as perfect. Yeah. This perfectly formed body with its perfectly formed little hooves and perfectly formed horn nubbins upon the forest head. But a sweet remembrance, it's of the past. Sometimes it's so hard to sing your own praises, but it's easier to do it through the voice of someone else. Whose words you're making out. It pains me that I shall never be the mother you deserve, because how do so much to screw you up?

Moving in slightly erotic. Way forward, it's gonna be hilarious in a second. Oh! This mom is so self-aware. Yeah. Perhaps it was my own up-troubled upbringing and perhaps my reliance on chemicals to get through the day and your father's similar problems ingrained in all of us. That's your folk.

But I suppose the only thing I can bequeath to you, your inheritance. I want my edge of my seat. You're being. And this is of course when the fart would come in. Ah! Ah! Oh man!

Oh, they're timing alone. And if I, if the weight's staying... And it goes on for like two or three minutes, it's amazing. It's very long and depending on how long Mr. Glabulous, of course, does the foresight. Mr. is inappropriate. I am neither male nor female. Yeah. Well, it's the fuck. Like, where would you keep those bits?

Like, you're just a... unless they're under that bow tie. Probably in one of my flesh sacks. Oh, yeah, you do get a lot of this And then of course I would drop the prop child and the next scene is myself as the baby now my own infant self Dressed like a baby though, but you're a grown man. Yes, and holding a lolly baby though, but you're a grown man. Yes, and holding a lolly. And I'm sensing that globularity just loves seeing people dressed as other things. Like, yeah. Yeah, he has a particular affinity for the clothing.

Sure. I just know what's funny. Now, globularity's the first. What made you decide to be a patron of the arts? Well, I was sitting on a vast fortune. And I always wanted to kind of... wanted to make, you know, add to the... end of the general art scene.

I... you know... I don't think I've been... necessarily cut out for commerce, and yet that's how I've... made myself. So perhaps, maybe in this small way, I can be in touch with the art world. Ah, you yourself are a frustrated artist, I sense.

But I don't know about that. But what is frustrated? Oh no. Man, we're really introducing him to a lot of emotions. Guys, if he doesn't know frustrated, we shouldn't make him frustrated. I can't think of an acronym. That's a long acronym. him to a lot of emotions. Guys, if he doesn't know frustrated, we shouldn't make him frustrated. I can't think of an acronym, but I'm not sure. That's a long acronym.

One of the frustrations for myself of working with lobbyists, which is otherwise been a true pleasure and honor, is that as being incapable of experiencing most of the range of emotions, I find that his dramaturgical notes are not always the most useful or applicable to the emotional arc I'm portraying in one is a very grueling 17 act, one man performance, that ideally would then continue for four more nights of 17 acts. Wow. He seems to focus solely on broad comedy. He is. And that's kind of a stereotype about floating, you know, slime cover dies

as that they are just an in broad comedy. Well, if the shoe fits, and I speak metaphorically, because again, his feet are nonexistent. And stop using his, we, the preferred pronoun is it. That's true. I apologize again.

Now, are we discussing content again? Perhaps then we should discuss the contents of your discretionary fund. No, he has what's going on, it follows, it follows. This is, I think that discussion was closed at a stage we were both particularly happy with. When I found you in my stock room, slaving away at BE holders, I said,

you know, get to work, work harder. You shouldn't be doing this whatever you were doing, dancing or singing or something. Can I get something I just want to interject real quick? Yes, of course. So this floating eye owns a company called BE holder so Yes, it's a menswear chain. Okay. Gotcha. Oh, yes, that's right. I know the slogan You're you're gonna be okay with the way you look. Is that the way it's pretty close. It's

You don't We've got an eyes for fashion. Oh That was in close it off. It's relative, I suppose. Sure. I'm sorry to interrupt. I just had the... No, by all means quadruped interrupt me. It is a factual truth that I first encountered

Globbulous as his employee. I was working at V-holders in a rather interesting position. I was taking articles of wardrobe, of clothing that had entered a state of chaos, of just primordial disorder, and through my own physical and mental and emotional exertions, forcing them into a state of organization and beautiful kind of perfect order.

You are folding clothes. It's another way to put it. It's another way to put it. Can you say it was beautiful? It was, I've often brought myself to tears with my work. Beautiful in front of the eye and in the BE holder. If it's not beautiful, they won't buy that crap. Yeah.

So how did you build this business for yourself, globulus? It's a funny story, actually. I spent... ...nigh on a millennia trapped in a crystal prison. Oh-ho. After a battle with some plucky adventurers. I was thinking... Their clothes were almost completely destroyed after our battle because

of my eye lasers. Oh, that's good to know. And hanging in rags and then they made off with all of my treasure and I was thinking, what are they going to do with all that treasure? Probably buy more clothes for their lower and upper stocks. Yeah. So, I thought, when I get out of here, why not just flip the script on them, my guess? It was exactly that I, for commercial opportunity that I so admire and which I am not surprised led him to invest in the preeminent dramatic

creator and interpreter of this or any age. You speak most disumbley of myself, Dustin Huffman. Yeah, what a brilliant businessman. I mean, it is penny wise like, you know, that's knowing how to get money that is yeah it doesn't climb around yes and now I'm spending it uh we're trying to put on a play right that's what we're here for to promote that damn thing yes the one man show the cloven hoof the cloven heart it's a uh wait oh no are you okay it's it's partly metaphorical and not only not metaphorical. Oh no.

It revelry in the woods, often is dangerous. And before you know it, another satyr's horn is embedded in your chest. Oh yeah. Woodenymphs are mostly good with medicine, but not wonderful at it's day. So is there still like a horn in your heart? A little bit. Oh. And one of the dramatic reviews is when I tear open my doublet to reveal the scar and just

a little, the little end bit of the nub of the horn that, that's a bit of a, that's a bit of a spoiling of an event in the show. Yeah, man. I hope, I want people to listen so that they'll come to see, but I hope maybe they they don't I should have set off some sort of alarm or warning about the spoiling. Yeah, and the line of the final song is There's a horn in my heart, and it can only be filled by you or something, right? Fixed by you It can only be filled by me. Oh, but that doesn't rhyme be filled by me. Oh, but that doesn't rhyme. No, it's free to blank verse, free verse and blank. It's both blank and free and free blank. I'd love to hear some of this. No, not to put you on the spot. No, I'm far from it from me. You said this is Clovin hoof, Clovin heart?

Clovin hoof, Clovin heart. Can I, I feel like, and this is just for my base knowledge of your accomplishments, sir. It feels like all your plays that you do have the word hoof in it. I know you did hot tin hoof on a cat. Yes, I know you did. You've based on a true story. Oh, Bob. You did a hoof-sea, which is another one where you played

your mom, right? It was hilarious. It was hilarious. Yes, and hoof-let, which was a tragedy. Of course, Huffbreakers, in which I end my daughter, Swindle, Rich, I played a woman in that too. Swindle Rich man out of their money. Huff versus Huff, I think. Huff versus Huff.

Rubin Calhuff. Yes, another one. O.K. Huff. Well, yes, that was a kind of a playlet, you know, as a one act. What can I say? They say, right, what you know. Sure. Yeah, spear.

I know hoes. It's talking about a hoes, but that's the shape of it. Well, here's the thing to remember about this current work. It is a true love story. The story of ones learning to love themselves. Oh, sure. And to, in one scene quite graphically, when it's talking about my adolescent years, before the nymphs were really expressing the interest in me that I expressed in them.

Every satir goes through it. It's unpleasant at the time, but it is a wealth of dramatic material, and also of course from it. And there's that scene where you're running around trying to grab it yourself and you keep slipping and falling and it's hilarious. Yes, that was a later addition after some discussions with my producer, Glavilis. What am I slipping in again? I don't know.

You're in or some kind of animal excrement. Oh boy. It depends on the show, depends on the venue, I suppose. I could do a... Perhaps we could get this quadruped to provide some. Oh, I would be honored too. Thank you. Sure.

If you were to slip on my excrement, that would be... Sure. My friends would never hear the anything. Go get them a bag or something. Yeah my extra meant that would be I would you my friends would never hear the end of the bag or something yeah listen to this one your sex here I suppose do this come off oh oh oh boy you just pulled part of his glob I thought it was I thought the flesh that sat came off I mean it didn't

worry it doesn't read attaches oh good well it listing a quick break and I guess you could take a dump. And you know what, you dear listener? You go take a dump as well and we'll be right back. Okay, well I wish I could unsee some of the things I saw during that break. Are you doing all right, Chin?

Yeah, okay. You didn't have to look. I feel like there's a generation of people who are a little bit younger than me that really enjoy your play Hoof, where you played the pirate king. The captain, Captain Hoof. Yes, Captain Hoof.

Captain Hoof? Yes, and I, you know, just didn't really work for me. It's interesting. It's very popular with those who attended Yes, While Young. Yes, yes, yes. Did you also play Peter the pan in that as well I because he's a saider yeah come on man oh did you thank you no no thank you i appreciate that's that is not a term we

prefer oh to use oh i see to be used with oh okay pan was one Pan was one guy. Oh. Okay, I'm so sorry. I'll just pluck off. Yeah, you do pluck off. What are you gonna ask him next? If he was in Sator Dirt, if he was in Sator Dirt, I can't even say Sator. What are you gonna ask him next?

If he was in Sator Night Fever, where are you in Sator Night Fever? Actually, wasn't that. Oh, it all pluck off. I'm sorry. There's not often that you get to show off the dance moves. Sure. I'm the stage. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! battle cry. It was... who feel? Oh of course I can't believe I forgot it. It must have been my millennia in the Crystal Prison. Yeah we really blaze right over that millennia you spend the Crystal Prison. I did not blaze through it. I spent millennia there. It seems like you were mostly thinking

about menswear during that time. I did. Men's of course. See, their clothes were ragged from my eyebeams. Disintegration rays, blade rays, some kind of ultraviolet rays that just sets their clothes on fire. So you have like a multitude of different things that can come out of those eye stocks. Each eye stock provides a different style of laser. I'm a beholder of course. Oh sure. Yeah of course. Now they don't come in handy as a promoter of fine art very often unless perhaps we get a bad review. Oh boy. And then somebody's on the end of a disintegration ray. Foolish mortal. You can often tell what You can often tell what village or town we've been through by the ad in the window of the local paper that says, Theotocratic wanted. Oh.

We don't leave a large number of living Theotocratic in our path. Theotocratic or Theotocratic? Oh, have we told you about Theotocratic? No, I would love to hear about Theotocratic. Well, they're just crickets who They sneak into the theater they tend to make a lot of noise Mm-hmm. You know just kind of disrupt the show, but they're just enjoying the show probably Actually, no, they're pretty they're dicks. Oh, yeah, and they're delicious

You scoop them up by their tongue full. Oh, yeah, you have a tongue of course look at it Oh, yeah, you have a tongue of course look at it He's looking his own eye I gotta keep on clean. I don't that tongue. I don't how does that tongue? I'm telling so big I'm not sure how it fits in that ball of ahead of yours My body doesn't conform to I don't know normal styles of physics Congratulations, yes Congratulations to whatever woman you've been. Behold us have access to many pocket dimensions within their own body where they do contain

a multitude of energies and body parts. And they tend to heat up a little bit. I mean that pocket I grabbed off when that was hot. The hot pocket? What? Now, I was talking eye lasers and you seem pretty interesting so I'll continue. Every time he brings up eye lasers I feel like we get it

to work to the, what are we talking about now? Heated pockets, come on, stay on track. I can eat a pocket with an eye laser, of course. Give me a pocket. Okay, here's the one that I took off you. There you go. I'm not gonna heat that up, but tension back to my body.

You're right, let me grab, oh, let me rip a pocket off, aren't these pants here? there you go. I'm not gonna heat that up attention back to my body. You're right. Let me grab Oh, let me rip a pocket off her knees pants here Here you go and I'll go ahead and as you heat it up with your laser. I'll kind of spit it on the table There it shouldn't be very nice and hot Oh, wow put it on your face or something here to me. I'm going to eat it That was disgusting now one of my one of my great tricks one I would say the reason why My contribution to the show except for my prodigious fortune is in specific scenes I use my

One eye laser to totally blow the clothes off of the off of the cast totally blew the clothes off of the cast. Oh! And then they try to cover themselves up, and it's hilarious. It's not my- Then they slip again. Because we're slipping on the fragments of clothes, and by where I mean me, but the audience thinks there's a whole group of people up there, because they've seen the characters like laid throughout it.

They just believe all of the use that are up there. Oh, it's a form of magic, you might say. Sure. It's kind of a magic nation. Yeah. Do you ever worry about being too good at acting? Frequently, yes. Because some have wondered, and by some I mean myself,

if I could so embody a character that I would forget my own self, which is another good positive thing about playing myself in that it's less likely that even if I did lose myself completely in the character I would still be me because I am the character. Yeah. What if you became you so much that you forgot you were being that you that you were not before? I've wondered that many times. More, more satyr than satyr. Also, what if you play a slightly heightened version of yourself? Like I'm just saying, if I were an actor. Yeah, like a taller, you know, like satyrs aren't the tallest animal creatures in the road.

I mean, just comparative. Come on, he's right there. Huh? What do you like five foot? I have two feet, but I'm not, I'm not there, I'm not very tall. Sure. But like most talented and successful performers, I have a slightly larger head than the average member of my species.

It's not something you never said. She's pretty small to me. You're a little bit, it's quite a notice. You are a big head. But it's not something you never certainly notice, but when it's pointed out, you're going to have very much trouble ignoring it. But it gives me a sort of in the room charisma. Sure.

That comes with having a slightly larger than normal head. Very expressive eyes, full lips, of course, and aqua-line nose. My horns on the forehead, of course. And my ears are perfectly pointed, uh, they are perfectly symmetrical. Yes, thank you, August. Yes, thank you. It's no greater compliment, I appreciate that.

No greater compliment than symmetry. So when I blow somebody's clothes off on straight, right, right, first off, it's hilarious. Second off, then they have to go to my store and buy new clothes wow guys brilliant. Oh, didn't you do a Clothes off it clothes is off. It was a play where it shows first it shows the front of What no you go on? I wouldn't know the answer to the front of a house And it's all these all this shenanigans shenanigans going on and then the second act of the play They've turned it around and you see what's going on behind stage all the time and everyone's all these all these shenanigans going on and then the second act of the play they turn it around and you see What's going on behind stage all the time and everyone's naked? Wow. Yeah

That was the first my first dipping of a stalk into the the pool of the theater world and of course all those scenes with excessive farting that was my contribution It is a fart they based on that play they started to call that type of play a fart. Oh a fart. You're welcome world. It is an immortal contribution to theater. Yes, your place in the firmament is assured. Sorry, glad be listed. We ever find out how I might have missed it. How you got out of the crystal prison? I was released from my crystal prison by a Galobulous II. Uh-oh.

See, when a beholder spends enough time dreaming of another beholder, often identical to themselves, they give birth, they will that beholder into existence. Uh, and in this case, I created a second version of myself which just released me and then I devoured it. It was my mistake. So you've just devoured it yourself on both sides. Have you ever tried it?

It's delicious. Do you ever fear that another beholder shall be coming to be in a globular second that will devour you and take your place? Is fear another one of your acronyms? Oh, because I don't know what it means. Do you mind listing the emotions you do now? Anger. Okay. Chai? Humor? Lazers? Lazers?

Of course! What else do you need? It covers all my- All my needs are satisfied. That's all three. And those are the things that should be represented in our- in our great work. Cloven hoof, cloven heart?

Yeah, well yes, that's... Lazers? Lazers are so sadly lacking at the moment But farts are I mean except for the part where the clothes come off. Yes farts are at this point Maybe a little too overly represented in the finished product. I think for a scene is a bit much Especially when they tend to go on it much perhaps perhaps the budget for this play is a bit much No, no, no, it's... everything's working out very nicely. And, um...

Do you really need all those paintings of you to be put up all over the place? You said you needed five different versions of the same painting. Yes. Each one with a slightly different expression on your face. It helps me to focus and to harness and to hone the emotional energy of the performance to be able to visualize myself feeling that emotion. Because once you know what an emotion looks like, you can know what it feels like. And alternately, once you know what it feels like, you can know what it looks like if you have a mirror

or a painting of you doing that. Yeah, Dustin, I don't the last thing I want to do Mr. Huffman is to suggest like what you should do with your career but I'm gonna do that anyway. Have you considered doing a show about Globulus? He seems to have led a very interesting life. And I personally would definitely buy a ticket to a show called Anger Humor Lasers. I mean, who would now want to see that show? It's an interesting proposition. Mm-hmm.

Globulus, what if I could take a few liberties with the production? What do you mean by liberties? Perhaps instead of a beholder, you would be like a young satire. And perhaps you'd struggling with prou- Less struggling to get out of a crystal prison. Struggling to get out of the prison of oneself. Oh, wonderful. What a genius.

But we can still keep the lasers. What about all the farting? Dustin Huffman, you don't seem to be struggling that hard to get out of here. It's the prison of yourself. It took a lot of work, self work, hours. Well, it was really getting out of the prison of other people's idea of who I should be. Oh, I see. And the prison of other people's opinions about me and realizing the only way to break free of this cell is to understand that I'm the only one

whose opinion of myself matters and I'm the only one whose opinion of anything matters, really. You gave that same speech while eating your lunch alone in the break room one day. I overheard it. Yeah, it's, yes. Oh, rehearsal, I overheard it. Yeah, it's... Yes, it rehearsals, let's call it. rehearsal.

You must forgive Arnold. He does not understand. It's been... he does not understand the dramatic requires struggle. And you are showing a true struggle in your works. Thank you. I appreciate that. It is a beautiful... Yes, my struggle. I was... That could be a title for yes my struggle. I was and that and that could be a title for something my struggle

I don't know I mean I prefer the name anger humor lasers Let's I'll workshop them both and see you see how it turns out I feel so rude. I realize we we never gave you a chance to sing your song Well, you know, I mean if I. I realize we never gave you a chance to sing your song. Well, if I must, I would never... well... Sometimes I know I can see my loof. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one under this roof. Sometimes all of life feels like a spoof

A goof Every word rhymes with who Where did this shh Where did the spotlight come from? I didn't know there was a spotlight in this tab And these quadrulices are projecting it Start, start, start, start And then you feel that little egg in your tooth

And you realize Alright, I'll go with it It's a hoof it's a hoof Clovin hoof wow For dog goes wolf For your clove in hoof and your clove and heart Oh, and then a very loud fox out It was you fall the way rhyme and then the final one was heart, and then he lets out a fart. Yes, that is.

And then a sound, or if you know the word for that sound, it rhymes with the last word of the song. A new type of rhyme. Yeah. Could somebody use one of my brands of hanger chiefs to dry my many eyes? Oh, here you go. It'ss to to dry my many eyes. Oh, oh So beautiful to see it in performance. I have to say Dustin is sure if I may call you that on a familiar basis You may have said that that's you know struggle

You talked about you you know my struggle, but that was I mean that was a triumph of the will that did you just Belted that out on the spot. That was amazing Thank you a lot of people just cannot see what I'm working with here. And it's, it means something to me that you are such appreciators. Yes. You see Arnie there? You see him? Him learn. Him learn about song. Let's not put that on me. Well, Dustin Huffman, Glambulas, thank you so much for being on the podcast. It's been great to meet you, and I'm excited to see the show sometime.

Is that a possibility? We don't really get to leave Hogsface. We'll be performing it, just as soon as we can find the right venue, correct? The soldiers that brought us here mentioned that we might be able to perform it in the dungeons. Oh, some kind of prudent camp. The lighting is less than ideal, but one must work with the tools in one hand's... one's hands. Or one hand's...

and one's... Yeah. He is so respectful to all shapes and sizes. Yeah. Yeah, he is so respectful to all shapes and sizes. Yeah There's a lot of different types of thing in food and As long as we can recognize that I'm on stage and they should look at me. I Don't see why we all can't get lost be respectful for creatures that have hands that are both singular and plural at the same time Getting to know Dustin Huffman here has led me to understand that creatures that aren't the perfect blob with eye stalks aren't lesser.

Well aren't totally terrible. They are lesser than me of course. For I have lived for so long. Oh, Gloucets. We can all get along. I think he's finally doing that. Even the little one can be good. Yeah, are you okay? I feel like it's so weird because he's he I think he's crying like I feel like he's he's getting wet. But at the same time his bow tie is spinning. So I don't know whether to like feel sad or to laugh. Yeah. The spinning bow ties in Goof, it's hilarious. Clomulus, I goof! There's another for your song Goof.

Goof! Or maybe you said that. I wasn't going to point it out. Clomulus, sometimes I feel like you're so latching on to the humor in the world because I don't know, I'm sensing you feel like you've lived too long. His life become your next crystal prism? Damn, I just blew your clothes off with my eyes. Yes, yes, yes, we see everything.

Okay, look at that, it's hilarious. I'll admit it, all right. You can see everything. All of this stuff. This is off. Oh boy, yeah. Listeners, please, no fan art of this moment. Don't worry, there's a bee holder's the next town.

Oh, good. Well, hey, uh, Chun, have you got any emails? Uh, I have, let's see here. I have an email from... This is from Amy Gray. She says, greetings, Chun. I started listening to the podcast at the end of last year it helped me get through flying across the country for Solstice,

which I'm normally very afraid to do. I have a few related questions about FUN. One, I was wondering if anyone in food suffers from phobias, international fear or something. I don't know, people are like yes. I feel like people are afraid of a lot of things in food, but they seem very rational. Are you afraid of anything?

Are you afraid of the dark? I am afraid of the dark. Are you afraid that people will draw your penis in fan art? Yes. Two, can people or creatures fly in food if they aren't wizards and don't have wings? Yes. Well, glad you guys can answer that.

You're kind of... Of course, I float along in a mixture of magic and gas that's expelled from my various cloaca. OK, that explains a lot. That explains a lot. Cloaca, aye. Well, what do you expect to call an eye wearing a cloak? I look quite handsome in a cloak, but only at night.

And after Labor Day, of course. Sure. What is Labor Day, and Finn? Have we told you about it? We haven't told you about Labor Day. No. Well, usually there's one day where everybody is forced to work in a mine.

Oh boy. Thanks, have a King's Use for me. Amy Gray, PS Arnie, keep up the good work. Oh, thank you, Amy Gray. Well, I don't know what good work she's talking about. Just the work of doing this pod. Can you not just articulate when you're digging balls or anything else? No, I'm sorry. I really, my whole body moves.

I'm not so different than the holder in many ways. Hey, here's an email I got to you, Magic Tavern and puppies.supplies. It's also kind of an older one. Hello, Arnie, Usador and Chunt. In August of 2016, I bought a rat to have as a companion and named him Usador. I fell in love with him quickly and when I realized he was getting lonely, I bought him a friend who I named SpinTax. They quickly grew close and would often groom each other to such intensity that they would

end up quarreling. That's just like you and SpinTax, for real. Sounds right, yes. While I was away on holiday, they passed away while staying at my friend's house, likely due to the heat in Australia or stress from being moved around. I loved them dearly and miss them greatly. Usur was such a sweetie and SpinTax had his quirks. Feel like there's a lot suggested in that sentence.

They could never be replaced, but I wish to have animals to take care of, so I am again getting two rats, who I hope to fall in love with also, as they are brilliant companions. I wonder how rats the only options. Anyway, I don't know. I don't know what it's like in Australia. It would mean a lot to me if I had your assistance in naming the two male rats I will

get after the heat wave has passed. In particular, Yusidor's assistance being the namesake of my beloved Yusidor. Thank you for the joy of your podcast brings Genevieve from Australia. Oh. So, she's seeking a new appellation for rats? Yes. I'm sorry, I didn't necessarily need to read all of that. I could have just said, you got two names for rats.

Well, I would say Arnold and Shunt. Oh. Sorry, done. Spin-tax and usador. It's our name, but it's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, or maybe Bing and Bong. Oh. Oh.

Dustin and beholder. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, errrr Or maybe Bing and Bong Oh, errrr Dustin and Beholder Oh, globulus, globulus Dustin Huffman and globulus are pretty good names for rats Oh, he's crying, I think he's so sad He doesn't even know how to be sad Maybe I'll introduce him to an odd one mother, one second No, my tears are coming from laughter, I find it hilarious. You would name a rasg, globulus. It doesn't look like a globulus at all.

No, it probably looks more like a hank. Oh, that is a good name. That is a good name. You can see one of the unwed mothers. This is Carly. I. I. Carly.

Hello, biped. And she's run off crying. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. It's probably because you only has one leg. And she doesn't like being reminded of it. Globulous is a work in progress. As are we all except myself.

The name of my autobiography. Globulous in progress. I would still go with anger, humor, and lasers, but maybe that's just me. Guys, thank you so much for being on the podcast. It's been a real pleasure. I'd like to ask you something that I kind of want to try to ask all of our guests now. Is there anything you can do to help us defeat the Dark Lord?

Well, I'm not the one who can shoot lasers out to many eyes, but I would say that perhaps if the right charismatic speaker was able to really create a sense of revolt, you know, maybe there's a speech in there some kind of a playlist Yes, it's an out of the volatile Yes, use your art to defeat the dark Lord. That's the best weapon unless of course the dark Lord enjoys theater in which case, you know, a thousand more years please. Oh, I see.

Well clearly, you should just give me your treasure. If you give me all your treasure, I'll defeat the Dark Lord with my eye lasers. I think it's that simple. See, I provide a service to people. Do you want breaches for your lower stalks? Do you want a blouse for your upper stalks? I got them. You can get them from me. And if you want to see our crap and laugh at it, even come to our play. Give us all your gold. Talk about speech. That was a great speech. I would do you think that guy says, Dustin, would you mind taking a sad on one more song? Maybe one maybe one where everything rhymes with Sater

Well, that's I've been I've been tinkering with something. It's this is one that is in a kind of an unformed shape But it would appear in the third act When you live in life as a Sater You don't know who's put what on your plate or what's going on? What's over here? What can you hear with your perfectly formed ear? But there's a horn on your head and you know that saters, they're red sometimes But a say they can be a good data

If you happen to raider say to raid it high Can I say the hoof song was greater It's a much harder way sure I know I know I and my I was thinking when the first rhyme was plater, I was like, there's not going to be a lot of say to her. Very difficult. Creator, calculator! Well then maybe you should write a say to her so. Don't cry, Dustin Hoefman. Don't cry. Just think, all the fantastic creatures you conjured in your mind were really just 30 and 40-something dudes dressed like they just finished cleaning out the garage.

Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Right now he's taking a potion that makes him tired by simulating the experience of listening to him. Chant the Badger was played by Adel Rafaie. With Matt so exhausted, I'm not sure what Adel's thing is anymore. Dustin Hoothman the Sater was played by special guest Elliot Kalin. Check out Elliot's Audible podcast, Presidents are people too. Globbulous the Bowtide Beholder was played by special guest Stuart Wellington.

Next time you're in Brooklyn, stop by Stuart's bar, Hinterlands bar. Oh, and of course, Elliott and Stuart are two thirds of the hosting team of Flawp House, a podcast where they force themselves to watch terrible movies and then talk about them. You can see how joining us here was a logical progression. You know, I'd love to do all the rest of the credits myself, but my assistant Craig is back from a much-needed convalescence, and I'm sure he's champing at the bit to tell you who wrote the theme song or walk you through the be-list in other exciting ways. Craig, ready for your moment on the dim edge of the spotlight? Oh, yeah, let's do this. Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie

Neacamp, Rion D. George and Evan Chicover, this one edited by Rion D. George, music by Andy Poland, logo by Aller D. LeBaban, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at aloefromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter, thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op, and Ear Wolf. You know, that rest and the deception, too, really did me good, but I kept having this weird dream that my sustenance nozzle was leaking nutrient goo all over the bunker, and no matter how much goo I ate,

more just kept coming, and when I woke up my memory jail pillow was gone. Also my left arm is covered in duct tape and it sparks every once in a while, is that a thing we know about? Craig, lucky you! Another exoskeleton is about ready to slow off! Be a pal and fetch the gathering hamper! Coming! Coming!