Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 30 - Chunt for Red October 3: The Sum of All Rears

Episode Date: October 9, 2017

Vampires seem to be avoiding Chunt’s annual blood drive, so instead we interview a werewolf.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungNathan Goodboy: Mike JimersonTomblain Belaroth: Steve WaltienMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzEpisode Art: Tyler SchmidtYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Yes, in the vacuum of space we followed the 12 month Roman calendar. Except April, no thanks. And now in Hogsface it's time for the annual Chant for Red October blood drive. We're drooling with excitement and it's starting to glisten. Ready, set, listen. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun I'm your host, Darni Neacamp. If you're new to this in the podcast before, this was going on. About two and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king

in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Unfortunately, it's being taken over by the Dark Lord, who is in prison me and my buddies, and are forcing us to continue to record this podcast that we record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the prison town of Hogg's face, in the land of fun. But it's a special night. Special night. Special night. You know we don't have enough nights that we yell in it.

I know, right? Right nights, right night. Night makes right. Chund, it's your special philanthropic night. It's Chund for Red October. Woo, Bloodbong. Yeah. Bing blood.

Yeah. Yeah, baby, bloodbaby. This is my, just just really. There will be blood, baby. This just underscores how long I've been in this land. This is will be my third Chund for red October, I've attended. Yeah, that's crazy to think about. For new listeners, let them know what is chunk for red October.

Well, chunk for red October used to be a drive where we collected blood for vampires who couldn't hunt themselves or just didn't want to because they were wealthy. Well, because they're wealthy. Well, because they're wealthy. Well, you know, Chip and Bippy, them here were, you know, of wealth. They were Tony, you know, affluent. So they didn't want to go out and hunt themselves, get their hands dirty.

So we did provide blood in jars for them to sup upon. But as of last year, I think we may have to go in a different direction. So this year, I don't think you're because of the event. The Vampassacure. I wanted to ask about that. Oh, hello. Hi, I'm Cade. Oh, no.

I was supposed to meet my brothers here. Tad and Vlad and Chad and Ryan. Tad, yeah. I think we saved Vamp and Ryan. Tat and yeah. I think we saved Vampire Ryan, but I don't think the rest got out. Well, what? He's trying for a October snag, right? It is, but last year a monster hunter snuck in

and killed almost all the vampires. Oh, more severals. Yeah. Oh, man, I'm surprised. Yeah. They're well, they're already dead. Yeah, they're well, they're already dead. Yeah, is there still blood tonight? There is blood?

There will be blood. Yeah. Can I get some? I'm a very poor vampire. Oh, well, I'm so sorry. This is all for rich vampires. Yeah. Oh, it is.

It's so sad to see you with your hat in hand. Just begging for blood. Yeah, I care around this special and hat, so people can put blood in there. Aw, you blood-pander? Yeah, well, I'll go. No, no, look, John, is it all right if just this once? We give this blood that is meant for lazy, rich vampires and give it to a poor, industrious vampire.

There don't seem to be many vampires. All right, all right, we'll make an exception. Arnie, can you come here for a second? I want to tell you something. Oh, sure. Ah! Oh, that looks great. Many many fires. All right, all right. We'll make an exception. Arnie, can you come here for a second? I want to tell you something. Oh sure There you go just straight from the sources nose. Oh Smells like chocolate. What have you been eating Snickers? Yeah, have you been holding out? Yes. Do you have more Snickers? Some people? Some of a bitch. Yeah, they're old though people shoving to the portal over a year ago. Oh look how meekly he drinks. Oh, it's so thick Your circulation must be terrible. Well sure. How many times an hour does your heartbeat? Oh

We're even a minute per minute how many minutes per minute. Oh At least five times Thanks for the blood. I got it. What was your name again? Cad? Cad? Cad. Is that a family name? No. Okay. Can you give us a little more story? Well, that was my question. You were all these vampire brothers with rhyming names. What?

Our names, Rad? Yeah, flat, Chad, Chad. What, Cad? I never thought about it that way. Everyone but Ryan, right? Yeah. Was Ryan your brother? Uh-huh.

Cad, were you all brothers before you were vampires? Or did you just kind of become brothers because you were turned by the same vampire? We were all brothers before you were vampires. Okay. We were very poor share farmers and a vampire came over and she made us all into her Slaves her vampire slaves. And then she ran off and there, this potato head looking vampire, her name was Bibi or something. Oh, yes, we know Bibi, yeah.

Yeah, you're right, that other vampires head does look like a potato. A little bit, doesn't it? Yeah, like a baby, you look like a big baby. I hope that someday he hears this and knows. Yeah, does look like a big baby with a potato head. Yeah, well things for the blood I gotta go. Yeah, I hope you get money. Well, if I had money then I wouldn't have to get blood anymore. I guess. I get someone to do for it.

Sounds like you're getting weaker by the second even though you just have blood. I think this blood's killing me. Oh my god. Well, Scott, John, you know, I so much want to stop talking to this vampire, but he's the only vampire here. Yeah, I know. We have to make him feel welcome, you know. I didn't think any vampires would show up. So I kind of switched the theme of Chant for an October, and I thought tonight I'd invite a different type of creature.

Oh, like... What? Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like-

Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like-

Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- Like- And throw? No. Lichenthrope. Oh, that's all one word. How could you miss here Lichenthrope? You missinthrope? Are you going to introduce me? I didn't even get to ask Kat a question. It's been crazy how you said we're sitting there completely silent that whole time. I'm a very polite person. Did you have a question for me? Yes, why yes, I do have a question for you. Better make it fast. I'm draining.

It's not a little better than you did before better Yeah, but I got these rips in my pants so you can see how poor I am Oh on a counter to lack a will. How do you stay alive when you don't have any money or any blood? Oh, just stay alive Here I want to give you a special gift I want to give you a special gift. It's a stone that bleeds. You can get blood from this stone. I can squeeze blood from this stone.

That's right. Okay. I'm too weak to squeeze it. Oh, here. I also want to give you this rock that you use to make your arms stronger. You're going to lift that up. 12 times, three reps every day. It's a process.

Wow. I guess time will tell. Thank you for the rocks. You're welcome, that up. 12 times, three reps every day. It's a process. Wow. I guess time will tell. Thank you for the rocks. You're welcome, Cad. Thank you, Cad. Cad, do you not come back a third time later on?

Deeper into the episode. With all that what they yet again, different. I couldn't have put over here. You didn't want to talk to me, but, Phil. I'm so sorry. Social impact. I'm sorry, vampires probably have super hearing. I can't just say things about vampires

as soon as they leave the table. It's very true. We're up, I'll be at the bar next to Tussador. So long, Kat. Bye Kat. Bye. Take care. Don't forget me.

I will not. What are your dreams? What are my dreams? Sorry, any time I leave a conversation, I like to leave the people I'm talking to with something that you are. Oh sure what are your dreams? Okay that's good I'll I'll chew on after a while. Alright so I'm so sorry that we keep getting out of bed. Cat. Oh no. You said you you invited a a like and throw. Yes well I

invited as many as wanted to come but I think only one showed up. I think word spread about Simon. Oh the monster hunter, but I think only one showed up. I think word spread about Simon. Oh. And the monster hunter, yeah. I think people are uncomfortable being here. People don't want to come to a charitable event. That almost everyone was massacred during the year before. Yeah, absolutely.

That's a bad tone, you know. Yeah. But when did you show up? Yeah, hey, should we talk to him? Yeah. Yes, of course. Cad, come back. No, no.

Wait, what? Yeah, what do you want? No. Hey, of course. Cad, come back. No, no, wait, wait. Yeah, what do you want? No. Hey bud, why don't you go a little further away? Okay, I'll still be able to hear you, but if you say something about me this time, I'm not coming back. Okay, I'm not wanted here.

Yeah. No, no, you wanted. Yeah. I am. You are. You are. Bye, I'm you are you are I'm going now. I'm not coming back so long goodbye. Bye, Cad. I'm leave farewell

Beauty say goodbye so long. I leave I say goodbye. I am 16 so guys here is the where will I met? Oh, I think he prefers like and throw up. I'm not sure. I don't know much about him Yeah, I'll be nice. I really don't care. You can come whatever you want Well, I can throw sure Nathan Roof or whatever carpenters from you know, what's your full name? Nathan good boy. It's my full name Nathan good boy. Good boy. Good boy. He's a good boy. Nathan's a good boy He's a good boy. Nathan's a good boy. You're a good boy. I'm a good boy. Okay. Good boy. Yeah.

Nathan. Yeah, hey, how's it going? It's great. Thank you so much for coming to Chun for Red October. Hey, very much my pleasure. It sounded like there's going to be a bunch of freaks here in Africa. I could lay low, so I'm sure. Yeah, sure.

So you're like just for our listeners, you just look like a regular human person. I'm regular dude. Yeah, I'm sitting down now, but I do have a tail a little time. Oh, I'm looking at you. You're looking at it. Yeah, Yeah, you can't see this is is it appropriate for me to ask can we see that tail? Is it really just flush right now? No? Is it not very? What look at it? Just stand up. Yeah, boom. Oh Good tail. Yeah, great tail for good boy. Yeah, good boy. Yeah, you want a tree? What? Yeah, good. You're a good boy. You want a tree?

You want a tree? Sit. Come on, come on. I'm sorry, here you go. That's common sense. Appreciate that. You hate it. Oh, you did.

And it was actually quite good. I like that. Yeah. So, this is embarrassing and maybe awkward to ask, but were you turned? Yeah, no common question. Not embarrassing at all. Yeah, totally cool.

What happened is as a child, I fell asleep in a meadow during a full moon. all. Yeah, I told the cool. What happened is as a child I fell asleep in a Meadow during a full moon in the conditions. I don't know, you know different people have different theories But lo and behold after that day might have just been a puberty thing I really don't know but that's when it happened full moon meadow slept in it for a night woke up and then yeah So you're around the age of puberty. Yeah, right? You became a teen wolf. Yeah That's right. That's when I started playing mittens, but that's kind of a different story. Oh, you played mittens Yeah, it's a pretty big for a while. Okay. Yeah, as a teen wolf the do you ever hop on top of carts going down the road and like

Surf yeah, yeah, yeah, I did that very notably on one occasion Yeah, maybe my dad will man, but thanks it already started to fracture pretty considerably at that time So you know. Have you ever gotten into boxing? No. Okay. Man must be thinking of a different team wolf. First and the thing of is a team wolf too.

Sure. I mean certainly there are others. I mean you know curiously being a wolf is a pretty salutary thing. Really? Yeah where will it be absolutely absolutely? You're not like drawn to like a pack or anything? No. I mean I don't know how animals do it,

but generally I just go into some kind of blind fury, kind of level 25 or whatever I was currently at emotionally, and then I kind of come to a loan, generally alienated, often naked, sometimes bloodied, sometimes glutted. Glutted? Oh yeah, yeah. I mean, if I'm hungry, I go to level 25 hungry,

and I wake up, I got, you know, kids bones and my mouth and stuff like that. Oh, it's, it's, it's, yeah, you have done some shit. Yeah, oh, I can't. No question about it. No question about it. So do you want blood, or do you want meat and bones? Honestly, I would love to be left alone

and just try and keep at a constant seven. Oh, you know what I mean? Sure, sure. But since you came to the event tonight, I assumed you wanted some of the blood from the blood dry. I really thought I could just be invisible in the midst of bigger freaks than myself. And that's what I'm looking for.

So you're in here for the blood, you're here for the company? Yes, I mean, I'll take some blood. I mean, sure, that's a plus, you know? But number one is just, it's day by day. And today, I'm just trying to be a level seven here. Yeah. Yeah. Well, here's a little bit of blood for you if you'd like to have that. Yeah, I appreciate that. I appreciate that a lot. Can I ask you you mentioned being at a level 25 level seven. What are these levels you speak of?

Is this like a werewolf ranking system? Oh, no, no, no. Just imagine your emotional state was a dial, you know, and generally you would assume your dial ins at a 10 or 11 Oh, yeah sure yours goes to love you mean like a sundial. Oh, yeah, it could be a sundial Who's this fucking guy one more dial joke when I'm put soap in your mouth? I didn't get it. Yeah, so you know generally operated a six or seven is manageable And then I don't know how it is for all wolves, but for me It gets about a nine and then there's just this jump, and it's this convulsing intense blinding. Oh yeah, nice wolf jump.

Yeah, right. Go ahead and jump, and that's what happens to you when I get to a nine. Yeah. And then it justiles way up, and I lose control, and kind of whatever direction I was heading, and then it's full. Full steam ahead, I'm getting... Huh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, what? I don't know is that how you turn into a whirlpool? Taking out napkin and meadow. This how it, that's how it believe it started. Oh, it might have just been puberty, but I think, uh, okay.

Some of the symptoms always has to take a napkin and meadow. Right. I mean, that would be so easy to avoid. That's true. I mean, yeah, but yeah. Oh, God, I wish it was that easy. Are there only sun dials on earth? There are other kinds of dials. Oh, I don't know what kind of Diles there are on food.

Well, you know those big catapults when you're like attacking a castle wall, the really big ones. Oh, sure. They have settings, and you turn back to crank, and each of those, it's a dial. You're dialing back your catapult. You can dial your catapult to nine, to ten, to twenty-five, whatever it takes, what you think it's going to take take the smash on that wall. Oh wow.

Okay. So there are lots of kinds of dials. I don't know why you would just say sun dial. The most boring dial, it doesn't move at all. I mean, I find time to be exciting. Look. No, this is right up my alley. This is a nice and boring alley,

when they look early. Good boy, I think we're all thinking it. Do you have nards? Do you mean like balls? but my ally, this is a nice and boring I can lay low girl day. It's a good boy. Yeah. I think we're all thinking it. Do you have narts? You mean, like balls? Yeah. You know, we want to know if this wolfman's got narts. Oh, yeah.

You better believe it. I mean, look, I see. Yeah, I know, the tail. Yeah, I mean, it went better than I expected with the tail. Yeah, I mean, because the tail, you know, protrudes from the pants. So sure, I mean, the next logical thing is to show us your genitals yeah sure although can I free show are let's see your fucking balls free show oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh They're back into his mouth. Oh, that balance. That's all right. No, I'm so sorry.

No, that's on me. You guys want to see my balls? Yeah, sure. There you go. Who finally is being rational? Are they made of skin? Are these skin balls or for both? They're skin balls, but they're hairy.

I don't know. What's your hair? Yeah, yeah. I mean, generally, except for the tail, I'm almost always 100% human. Sure. Except for the tail, and I guess the potential. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's right underneath the surface. Yeah, so

Here we go boom. Whoa. Yeah, nice nice set and the other one Wait, that was one whoa you should get that one check down That's probably not good. No, man, everybody's looks like that everybody's balls look See that's well these are that's one Here I'll just sit back and lift up my rope. You see in there. Oh my god. Yeah All right, this is why this is why next year no one's gonna come to John Baroque over you can put those away Thank you for that. Yeah, for sharing. Yeah, but sort of, you're not so, like you said, you're mostly human all over the time.

Yeah. You must have other interests or a job that you do when you're not a wolf person. Oh, yeah, I mean, generally I just kind of stick around until I've kind of worn out my welcome in places. So as a result, you have done a little of this, little of that, you know, it's traveling carpenter for a little bit. Oh, yeah, I've done some roofing,

you know, I've done, yeah, I worked the watermelon patches in the late summers. You know, that kind of thing worked that a dry cleaner is briefly. Oh, wait, what's dry cleaning? You don't have dry cleaning? I mean, we have something called dry cleaning. Well, how do you, yeah, how do you clean your dry

where you come from? How do I clean my dry? Yeah, I don't know what is dry Things that aren't wet. Oh, what is dry on earth? Things that aren't wet and you have to clean them right because they're not wet they get dirty sure Yes, that's what I did that's what I did here. Yeah Okay, I can just let you get dirty where you come from what we do. I mean because that's fine. Yeah, yeah, no judgment I mean look at this pink bollo. Yeah, well sure. Yeah, this used to be white damn who's blood is this by the way?

This guy's my blood. Oh, man. I I really like it. Oh, yeah. Thank you. I really like a lot. Thank you Nathan Yeah, I really like you. Well, you know, I really like you man. Oh, thank you. That's great. Hey, I have a question for you Hit me Nathan and this is gonna seem like a weird question to ask How do you kill werewolf? Well, just in case like I don't intend to kill you. I don't want to kill you. Yeah, sure I think you can kill me, you know if it you know me in quotes or any other werewolf Generally just I could kill anything else. I think my hide gets a lot tougher, you know So it's gonna require maybe a little bit more force maybe a sharper object

But also, you know if you could just forcefully divert my emotional state, you know like with some balloons You know if I'm mad, you know or conversely if I'm really happy and I'm buying everybody rainbow bowls and I'm breaking the freaking bank He like I do from time to time you step on my foot, you know I just I just got gotta be in the middle. You know, I just gotta be in the emotional center. Oh, I see yeah, yeah That makes sense. Yeah, it makes makes total. I mean because honestly, I've been left on my own to figure out how this thing works Yeah, yeah, that's If your emotions get too out of control to heighten. Yeah, you try to tell a wolf. Yeah, man So you say you have to be in the middle.

Yeah. What happens when you hit the low end? Uh, well, I mean, I just, you try to do something else? Oh. Discuss this low end theory. Yeah, no, I, uh, I just get super sad. I mean, as said, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, you know like drinking. Someone say they get super sad. Oh, man Look at this guy. This is cat. Okay. He's a vampire. Hey, how you doing? Game recognize game. Yeah, man You're a wolf right where wolf? Yeah, I can tell from you tale. Yeah, the tail. So I saw your balls

Yeah, it's a good one. You just sitting at that over table looking at us this whole time. Yeah Yeah, it's just hybrid. Yeah, have some blood. I goodness your dad. Oh, hats at that over table, looking at us this whole time? Yeah. Yeah, it's just hard, bro. Yeah. And have some blood, I goodness you're dead. Yeah, hi, it's, I'm it's bad. What, this blood? Great! It's good blood.

No, it's too viscous. Dude, it's like, what do you want blood for? Oil. It's not viscous. Man, I'm okay, I got these stones. Okay. I've always wondered when a vampire met a werewolf. This is what kind of intense interaction they would have with each other.

Well, they're natural friends. Oh, all the stories have vampires and werewolves. Well, we're both creatures of the net. Yeah, big time. Has them, you know, all these stories, have them coming together and doing something fun and pleasant together. They're very wonderful uplifting stories, perfect for children. Hmm. Well, I can tell when I'm not one, too. Yeah, no, you can't.

Now, Arnie, didn't you tell us on Earth, if I recall, the few times you talk about Earth stuff, you said that there's a few places that have worlds. You said London, there's werewolves of London. Yes. You said Paris? Yeah, much less popular werewolf. The Paris Paris? Yeah, much less popular werewolves. The Paris one?

Yeah, I remember here werewolf and Paris. But the London werewolf? Oh, American werewolf and London. That's gotta be one of the best. Or just werewolves of London. And you said in London, the werewolf's hair is perfect? Probably. Bleed it out when I see it.

Nathan, have you, surely you must have heard about the Earth Man who's come to our world? Oh, yeah, I've heard any through the grapevine. Has there been any Smattering so rumors about Earth? Well, you know times being what they are now. I've heard that You know pretty much dark horse gonna take it over. You know, there's a this is Earth or Oh, all right, is that yeah? No, I mean I said bad info. I mean no, I mean that's probably true Yeah, I feel like the clues have been there. Yeah, certainly, I mean I said bad info. I mean... No, I mean that's probably true. Yeah. I feel like the clues have been there. Yeah.

It certainly seems like he's trying to do something there. And it can have to be good whatever it is. Yeah, right. I mean, certainly speculation of bounds, but yeah, I've heard that... I've heard that it's like kind of a source of kind of unshapely, strange people, strange stories, things like that. You know, but not too different from where I live. You know, sure. Maybe where do you live?

Well, I live in a hovel that I dug out. It's in the middle of the forest. Sure. So a bunch of freaks out there. A bunch of freaks. Oh, no. Just you just live amongst freaks? Yeah, I mean, I try and keep my distance.

You know, just a couple freaks in the forest. Yeah. Do you know a bird? It's a starling distance, you know, uh, I know a couple freaks in the forest. Yeah, do you know? A bird is a starling. Do you know Starling Nikki? Hmm. She's a Starling Nikki. Yeah, Starling are assholes. I don't know. You know, usually like birds a lot, but I know yeah, oh, that's nice. Yeah. Now I have to ask you have these powers, let's say when you

Become a wolf. Yeah, your fast fear have you ever thought about channeling these powers into the force of good oh man if I could yeah I mean and and honestly it's not always negative you know I can get happy at a 25 yeah it's just you know it's just not sustainable oh whatever you're generally excited it anyway. Yeah. I ask you, do you want to join my quest?

I think if you join my quest to defeat the Dark Lord, we could channel your great strength by teaching you to always be angry. Ooh, I like that. That's what kind of secret. That's what you're trying to control of it. Yes. That would be a reveal. Yes. Two and a half hours ahead. Gosh, I like that. That would be a great troll of it. That would be a reveal. Like 2.5 hours.

Gosh, I mean, I just got a, I'm a liability. You know what I mean, are you sure? Well, I think you with some trading and some focus, yes, perhaps. You could be a great asset and not a liability at all. But I gotta say, I dig to those purple pants. These pants? Yeah, pretty good. Super fast.

Hey, quick aside, how many pairs of pants have you guys bought in the past year? Zero. 700, 700. 700? Yeah, 700 pairs of pants. Yeah, changing to a world. 700 times in the last year,

or you're just negligent with your pants. Well, I mean, there were a couple. Generally, the point was to, yeah, something stupid like that, but yeah, generally it's because of the transformations. Yeah. And is that because they tear you, shit them? They're little both. I mean, because you got to, everything changes inside out, you know, so you got to get out with the old and with the new, you know, I shit and then I immediately eat it done. Every time I become, yeah. So when I first come back to being human, that's like Arnie.

That's a strange thing. That's like what Arnie's mad. Yeah. Oh wait, what? He gets poor happy. What do you do? He gets what he calls hangry. Oh, you do, man. Yes. Oh, I've been there.

Sure. Oh, God. Yeah. I don't know if that's an emotional state, but I've been 25 hungry before. Oh, boy. He also gets what he calls a bangry. They were like, you hit stuff? What is bangry?

I don't know that one. That's where I'm angry with the banks. Yes, I'm so sorry. I misspoke. Not bangry. Like you're hungry and you want a bang. It was bangry? I don't know that one. I swear I'm angry at the banks. Yes, I'm so sorry I misspoke not bangry like you're hungry and you want a bang it was bangry Sorry that I know bangry. I want to really like portman to it as much as possible Angry at the banks. I'm like oh this charge is unfair. I'm really bangry right now Sorry, can can I be a portman to? I'm really bangry right now. Sorry, can I be a portman too?

Um, can I join in and be a portman too? Oh, Cad. Anybody want to see my balls? Hey, Cad, please. Um, give us some space, man. If you don't mind, which one? I get it. I think you're upsetting.

Yeah. I get it. I'm one of the guys, though, right? Yes. Sure. Yes. I'll be over there. Okay, Cad. Hey, one more thing, though. Yeah, okay. I'll be over there. Okay, Kat Hey one more thing though. Oh, yeah, I was

Man, I realized You know what I'm not even gonna finish saying what I'm saying right now. I'm just gonna go Bye Like a head like a head. You know what he's growing on me I feel like I like him when I hear him from over here. Nathan, what happens in the wild when you come upon another werewolf and in human form? Do you can you smell each other? Can you? Well, the tails obviously. The tails are big one. Yeah. And they're hard to tuck in, you know, because a lot of it is tough muscle back there. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Do you guys make small talk? Do you just act like you didn't see each other and

kind of like, well, you know, it's different. You know, because, you know, different strokes for different wolves, you know, so, you know, the other thing. Yeah, as they say in food, different werewolves behave differently based on the conditions under which they were turned into werewolves. Yeah. So, I mean, we kind of feel each other out a little bit.

Me, knowing myself, I just kind of keep low, you know. Hey, how you doing? Get a sense. You know, maybe we have a nice conversation. I don't know. Maybe we don't. Maybe I wake up 25 hours later. know, maybe we have a nice conversation. I don't know. Maybe we don't. Maybe I wake up 25 hours later. I'm strung by blood and bones.

I don't have any more money and I'm naked. Oh. Yeah, man. Is it hard to have like relationships? Yeah. It's really hard to have relationships. I've eaten 15 girlfriends. Oh, your own?

Yeah. I mean, that I'm sure of. Uh-huh. Yeah. Maybe more. Maybe more of others. I really don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And then you're gone. Yeah, then 25 hours later blood bones pit shit, you know pants they're gone Yeah, yeah, a little like little tiny ribs in my teeth, but you did mention even though it is compelling and attractive in some ways and you've been trying to undo it by seeping in meadows And I'm not have you looked for any other cures or or sabs to smooth over your conditional cure altogether Yeah, you know there there was this thing, we had, I was putting nut butter on the top of my mouth is when I got irritated, you know,

open to divert my attention. Yes. So yeah, I've tried that, there's some idiot wizard. All right, watch it. Hey, that's saying all wizards are idiots. Thank you. I'm saying this one was, okay.

I forget what his name was. Can, can, can. It was can, it was can, it was can. It was can the wizard. Yep, I like can. You guys, you guys know can? Yes. Oh, I don't, don't what his name was can it was can it was can was it yep? I like you guys you guys know can yes. Oh, I don't briefly don't say his name again or in my show up He's like the cat of wizards. Okay. Okay, can wait a second wait a second the jigs up what we know who you are I'm can no you're can the wizard careful don't don't say canned's name too many times they're here. Look, some characters will show up if you say their name once.

Other characters you gotta say their name are good 20 or 30 times. My characters, I mean people with personality. Goodbye, Cat. Goodbye, Cat. Bye, I'm gonna go bury something. I'm curious. Cat, come back. I want to know.

Nope. You had your chance to be interested in an old cat. I'm curious. God come back. I want to know Interesting an old cat. Well, we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be back with more Nathan good boy Nothing is answering your question. We'll be back Nathan I am so sorry we keep doing interrupted but I'm very interested in you and sort of what makes you tick basically. Yeah. Nathan, like... I'm sorry I wanted to read this beep poetry. Oh god, CAD.

Do you like beep poetry? I can't imagine that I do. I'm gonna read it one sentence at a time. Alright. Hey, actually, would you mind if we just... You know what kind of middle of something I can have? We're really. Yeah, there's always time for beep poetry.

Oh, here we go. The sky turns black, the moon, a glow. Oh, I hate this. And this is where the pudding goes. Oh, my God. Nathan, I'm so sorry, you can't get them away from the table. Yeah, you know, so I... So they're lightning, feet of rage.

Okay. Here I stand upon the stage. A lot of mixed feelings here. You know you show somebody your belly But all the rain. I'm still just a rat in the college You're a man though if I get started the way it's gonna get ever turn me down You know what I mean if you want to give me up to the 25 I'm just gonna keep the top Okay, okay, that's what does that even mean? What does that even mean? Did you even say anything right now summer 69? What does that even mean? What does that even mean? Did you even say anything right now summer 69 summer six? Oh Change I don't like him when he's angry. I do not like my angry

He first 69 and then eight cat Oh my gosh. Oh He first 69 and then eight cat Natural friends vampires and where will snout enemies. Oh my god. Yeah, everybody stand back guys Stand up. Oh some space Nathan. Are you there Nathan? Is that you Nathan? That's that's that could still be Nathan Nathan. It is me you should all he's really dangerous Remember what I said before, channel and focus your rage, and you can control it. If that doesn't work, we can show him who's boss.

Maybe we should rub his nose in it. Oh, Arnie, roll up that newspaper. That newspaper that the Nymph left here last time? Nathan. Right. Nathan? I don't know if that's a good sign. That's a bad sign. That's a bad sign, because on the one hand he's speaking, but on the other hand, that's a good sign or a bad sign

Because on the one hand he's speaking, but on the other hand he's at Ray I want you to sit If you don't sit, you're not a good boy and I know you're a good boy You're a good boy Reconnect with the good, you're a good boy Sit Yeah, good, good, good Good boy

Oh, Nathan. Blood man. This one just came out everywhere. Cats a little hat fell out too. Oh, Nathan, friends. We're friends. Friends good. There he is. Oh, there he is.

Okay. Oh, no. Hey, hey. Do you remember anything? You never said your name. What? Who are you? My name is Yusador. Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius,

Master of Light and Shadow, Mini-Pity of the Eye Tower of Magical Lights, devourer of Chaos, champion of the Great Holes of Trucks. The elves know he's getting angry. He's getting angry. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I just... Too long! Oh! Ah! He said we're all baby, he's too long.

Ah! Oh no! That's all I'm... My day is... That's all I'm my day. Oh! Eh... Stay down.

Relax. God, during that freak out, he would have killed so many people if this bar wasn't mostly empty right now. But unfortunately his pants snagged on that nail and they ripped off. Oh, if you ruined your pants, it's time to relax and sit down. Breathe. Good boy, good boy. Good, good boy. Roll over. Good. Oh, good. Hey Nathan.

Hey Nathan, welcome back. Yeah. Should I leave? That might be best. Yeah. I gotta say I'm torn Nathan. I mean on the one hand, like it seems like you're struggling with a lot of stuff.

And I feel like it's emotionally very difficult on you. You feel like you have to be an outsider to all of society and live among the freaks. On the other hand, like, maybe you should. Like I don't want to say that. Like, no, no, no. I have to be an outsider to all of society and live among the freaks. What do you have on hand like? Maybe? Should. Like, I don't wanna say that. No, no, no.

It's an awful for me to say that. But I feel like it's gonna become very well known that you're a canine type creature with a hot temper. So you might become a Nathan's famous hot boggain. We don't want that to cause you to have a bad reputation within the bar. So maybe Nathan, I don't want you to leave for us. I want you to leave for yourself. This should be like a Nathan for you kind of thing

Yeah, and you can take the main road you can take the lane so you know, all right Nathan lane. Yeah, no, I got it I think we're gonna make a really angry again. Can I ask you something? Yeah anything anything buddy I was at about a nine that was a nine. No, no, no When that guy was reading this poetry, I'll see that. You know, I'm being asked to leave. Oh. Let's put that out there.

That's what you guys think about how that feels. All right? Oh, if you think about it. Hey, tell me where it hurts. Let me poke it where it hurts. Yeah. Leave. Word the real monsters.

Yeah. But still, you did kill Cad. Yeah. Let me say this. I want to thank you for killing did kill Cad. Yeah. I mean, let me say this. I want to thank you for killing an eating Cad. But I'd like you to leave so you can go put on some pants. Yeah, mostly we don't want to stare at your weird balls. Does that make sense?

Yeah. You guys as penis is under your balls, like mine is, do? Why you want? No. No, that's not how we are. I was going to say earlier when he showed. Yeah, I thought that was his tail thing. It sounds same wrong.

Yeah, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Yeah, let me get out of here. I'm gonna take this blood to go. That's it, yeah. Yeah, that's all. Let me put it in there to go, Jar. Yeah, it's just a different drug. Yeah, appreciate it.

Just says to go on it. When you get out to the lane, I'm sure if you put out your thumb, you might catch a ride somewhere. I want you to feel sad that you have to go on it. When you get out to the lane, I'm sure if you put out your thumb, you might catch a ride somewhere. I want you to feel sad that you have to move on to another town. But who knows, the kind of strangers might take you somewhere new. I've got a bed in the forest. I'll probably just go there.

Back to the freaks. Yeah. A little bed fort in the forest. You have a bed fort? Yeah. In your hop. Just a little Nathan's bed fort in the forest. All right, bed fort? Yeah in your office just a little Nathan's bed fort in forest All right, I got it. All right. I got it. I'll take the Nathan Lane to get there It seems like you don't want to take the Nathan Lane. No, I mean is there another way?

I mean, hey, you know, just no worries. I was just trying to help you out and I appreciate it Hey, I I really shown my ass here tonight guys. I know that oh Yeah, oh if you don't want to take the Nathan Lane, you can take Matthew's broad creek to stretch. This timely, but it's useful. And I think that broad creek killed someone once, but it kind of got glossed over. Where are we to judge?

That's true. I mean, I would just witness a world eat of empire whole. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Hey, if I haven't totally exhausted any possibility of helping you out and maybe exchange for helping me out, I'm open to it. I know I've got a long way to go. I'm a flawed, flawed creature.

Alright, we are all flawed. Yeah. And in time, I'm sure you will learn to use your powers for good. And at that day, I shall call upon you to aid. Yeah. Quick sidebar before I go. Nobody likes that guy though, right? No, no.

Yeah, okay, it's sad. No, no, no, no. I mean, did you guys notice I stopped it, Cap? Yeah, that's true. Yeah, what? That's great restraint. That's good. What a good boy.

Good boy. Good boy. Good boy, good boy, good boy. Did you hear that? Yeah, it's a, it's got a bit of a chewing thing that I don't do. Sometimes. You got a chew, that's the can't be. You're eating like a duck.

Yeah. Well, I guess this means I didn't kill Cat. Well, you'll digest them eventually. Yeah. Look, someday we're gonna get some fan art of a werewolf pooping out of a pork vampire. A pork vampire. And you know what, it's gonna be the human colon

that does that work. Amazing things, our bodies, am I right? Yeah. That's true. A little vampire. And you know what? It's going to be the human colon that does that work. Amazing things, our bodies. Am I right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Gosh. That's the true magical land, the human body. Yeah.

How can one put a penis under a testicle? A little feet of nature. Yeah. Well, back to the freaks you go. Yeah. All right. Well, please say hello to Starling Niki for me. Yeah, if I see her, I will.

Thank you. All right, guys. I do appreciate it. Later. Thank you. Alright guys, I do appreciate it. And later. See you. Yep, later. So long. Man, at the end there, it turned into a real cat situation.

Oh, you just stuck around. Yeah. Wait, are you still there? Were you waiting on something? I just couldn't open here then. Oh. So many super here in there. I know.

Yeah. Wolf's coming. Oh, yeah. Well, screw it. by the way, a kitchen cholesterol check. Hey, Chant, and since it's still technically your night, do you want to learn any emails? Yeah, absolutely. I got an email here from Peyton Farmer. It says, Chant for Red October.

Oh, that's a number, bro. Hey, Arnie Chant, and Yusudor, and Special Guest, how did they know we were going to have a guest on? I've listened to your podcast for about two years now and now that you're being kept in the prison town of Foon, I'd like to know if Chant is still going to organize Chant for a October. I am. If so, by doing this, you're maybe able to recruit some vampires that can help you defeat the book club. Again, I love the podcast. Keep doing what you guys do. Well, we could have recruited...

Yeah. He didn't seem like he was gonna be helpful. Yeah, I don't certainly not. We could try to get his. Yeah, I don't say that. Certainly not. We could try to get his brother Ryan, who I have not seen since all those other vampires died. Yeah, maybe Ryan would help. Yeah, I feel like he teem up with us. Sure. Uh, have an email here from Sarah Reed.

It says Dark Lord Party dress code. Um, does the Dark Lord's birthday party have a dress code or theme from Sarah? As far as I know, I think it's meat themed? Oh, that's right. He keeps asking for heaps of beef. Yeah, heaps of beef. Yeah, so I think it's meat themed. Yeah, it's right though. It's coming up, so we're gonna try to sneak our way into the Dark Lord's birth. Well, I've been invited, so I don't eat this naked. Yeah, and my best friend, the Preff, fuels is going to be a caterer there, so I'm going to sneak it with him. Yeah, Arnie, how are you going to sneak him? I'll just show up.

Things usually work out all right for me, for old Arnie. Sadly, that's true. Oh, speaking of which, I've been getting a lot of emails and tweets about that weird clue we found a couple of weeks back. Let me see if I still have that piece of paper here. Well, you used to or ate it. Yeah, you used to or you ate it, so you remember everything you eat,

and it's not just that you write it down on your hand. Oh, yes, of course. I remember everything I ate. It's services Good King Irving Clock, rendered where Rasha foes embark. Behind a word, it's no need to go, but find the final London Toe. What'd you cover your eyes, a few inches from your face? It'd help me focus. Oh, yeah, kind of block out the light.

Yeah, it's exactly. Well, we couldn't figure out what that meant, but it seemed like it was pointing towards the Burger King on Earth in Chicago that I said that is on the intersection of Irving and Clark. And a bunch of people on Magic Tavern subreddit and on Twitter were trying to figure out the clues. And this is some of the stuff people came up with.

Someone named atAmosBuddy, B-U-D-D-E, on Twitter, took a picture of a sign in front of the Burger King and said, rendered services serves this Burger King and happens to be at, and there's this address, on RASHER which is a street. This sign, in fact, seems to have a lot of the words from the clue rendered services. So there was that, but it didn't really seem to lead anywhere, but then someone else, you're telling me. Someone else at Mess Girl tweeted that she went behind the Burger King to a similar sign, and what's that last part of the clue you said or sorry I was just washing my hands it's as a behind-a-words no need to go but find the final undertow under the last word toe on the sign for the towing company is the word otox father oh Oh, that's words. Oh, that's two words. Right.

Oh, tox father under toe under the the final undertow. Otox father. So we must be looking for something involving otox barley foot's father ottock whose family started this tavern. Well, there's a painting of Otaku's father, Dobby, right over there. It's been hanging that for years. Darby Barley food? Dobby Barley food. Mm-hmm.

Well, look, yeah, let's look, I guess I've never, let me try, I get, don't lick the painting. Look behind it. What? Don't lick it, look behind it. Okay, well, you try your thing, I'll try my thing. Oh my gosh, it moves. There's like a compartment behind this painting. What is inside this boxers?

The knife. That is no ordinary knife. I have searched high and low all or food for such a knife. All over food? Yes. High and low all or food for such an iPhone all over Food yes, I Now thought I would find it hidden here Behind the painting. I have looked upon so many years. Oh Derby and oh talk must have known this all along It is the blade of Vesco Halan

What aren't you put it down pass it over to you so don't oh? Yeah, okay careful careful careful. What why knife guys finish last this blade Is the only blade in all of food that will kill a wizard? Well pass it back to Arnie pass it back to Arnie It is not a temporary death. They are not killed and resurrected is the blade of final death But I've seen you dying you just came back. Yes, because I didn't get stabbed with that if I got stabbed with that That's it. I'm done. This is a blade of permanent death for wizards. Exactly. Oh my gosh I know what we have to do. We use that to get rid of this to kill can That's it. We solved it the whole thing we've been trying to do all this time, the whole point of this podcast.

Kill Can, we finally have the tool to do it. This is what we are going to do. We are going to go to the Dark Lord's birthday party. I shall have this played with me, and I shall finally strike down my enemy. No longer shall he rule over this land with his evil and his plight of darkness. No longer shall we suffer at his whims. Nay, I shall destroy him outright once. And for all. Wow, and then we kill can. Then we kill can. Yes, thank you. So if we kill the Dark Lord, thank you at Mess Girl on Twitter. And if we kill the Dark Lord, thank you at

Mess Girl on Twitter. And if you know what is statistically more likely that a knife we keep to defend ourselves ends up just you know killing ourselves then also thanks a lot at Mess Girl on Twitter. It shall not be a blade of defense, a blade of attack, a blade of offense, but when we go to the Doc Lord's party the Doc Lord dies From a blade of glory that into the table, but it was very close your leg. That's very close really be careful You so careful. No, just don't even just leave that there. Let's wrap it in a cloth Don't you're putting it between your fingers really fast. I'm doing Showing you I can be

Trusting you're hitting the negative space between your fingers. That is stop that please. All right, five great. Wait, did you say blaze it glory? Well, that was quite a plot development, and all it took was yours truly, paypalling $25 to an operative on Earth and having them scroll a sledgehammer of a clue on a sign in a parking lot. I mean enough is enough. Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Jean Tthe Badger was played by Adolf Refire. Cat the Vampire was played by John Qsac literally at the end of his rope. Oh John, who could have guessed you'd be scrounging to make rent while John Cryer is swimming

in two and a half men residuals? What a world. Nathan Goodboy was played by special guest Mike Gymmerson. Mike performs with the Improvise Shakespeare company, and with various unremarkable shows at the CIC theatre. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie, Neekampe, Ryan DeGeorgie, and Evan Jacover. This episode edited by Chris Rathjim, music by Andy Poland, logo by Allert LeBan, find out about live shows like the upcoming one in Washington DC,

and Magic Tavern merch by visiting hellofromthemagictavern.com. Thanks to EarWolf and thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op See Craig if the fine print is worth saying it's worth saying well Hey, shut up Oh no, did I miss it? Hey, the series of bats! Oh, right, dressed us up. No, I mean it's obvious, but I won't.

Oh, yes, I'm a series of bats. Chant. Did I miss the chant? Did you miss the chant? Oh, for Redactober. Yeah, we just finished. It was nasty. I won't be afraid of empire. Oh my god, there's resident. It was nasty. A werewolf made of empire. Oh my god, there's resident evil inside us all. There's still, I guess, blood on the floor. I'm kind of mopping up if you want some of that. Blood on the dance floor. How many times has a werewolf eaten of empire?

Hmm. I've lost track of resident evil inside us. I mean, I'm sure it's happening more than once but I've only seen one. Yeah it feels like it's happening all the time. Maybe it's the same one happening over and over again. I really reflect this thing. Yeah. Everything okay? Yeah.

How's your name? Ike one. Chant. It's just lovely. But I'm so afraid. There comes a point in a series of bats life where you have to say like am I gonna be alone we never alone because it's always yeah yeah yeah is that considered polyamory what is that considered polyamory well a

series of bats no no okay I just want to make sure you're gonna see. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no It's pointless. It's bunch of bats going at me. And now it's really just me putting me on my butt. Well They're watching this blood or yeah, I really drink blood Well, why don't I have some of that blood then? You're just smear it on your face. Yeah, I'm drinking it though. I'm drinking it. All my different faces are drinking it.

I am a series... Of bats. Are you supposed to be a series of vampire bats, okay? Wait, do you know all bats drink that? I don't think so. I think most bats eat fruit. Oh, shit. Okay, I've got to hit the books.

I've got to hit the books on. I think so. I think most bats eat fruit. Oh shit. Okay, I've got to hit the books. I've got to hit the books on.