Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 33 - Necromancer Performance Review

Episode Date: October 30, 2017

It’s time to talk to Dripfang the Chef Inquisitor about how evil he is and if he can do his job better.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungDripfang: Kevin ScirettaMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth. What a week, right? To be honest, I'm a little starved for conversation what with Craig being broken. I'm not kidding, I would talk to literally anyone. Hey, I've got a couple quick things to add. Robot Arnie shut up. There's a quick reminder about our live magic tavern show in Washington, DC on November 14th at the 6th and I historic synagogue.

Our guest is going to be David Plott's host of the Slate political gab fest, and also the CEO of Atlas Obscura. He's very smart and funny, and it's going to be a weird show. There are still some tickets available, so if you're in or around the DC area, go to HelloFromTheMagicTavron.com, click on the live show tab, and you can get info on getting them ticks. R.A. If you interrupt one more time, I'm returning your Cosmo Kramer functionality back to factory settings.

Now stand back while I remind everyone that alternate dimensions are in TREAL, and to enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune, I'm your host Arnee Neacamp, if you're nervous in the podcast before, oh, what an exciting time. Damn, what a great time. I got everything's changed. I feel like this is a breath of fresh air. Can we change the podcast to fresh air? Change the title to fresh air?

Yeah, because I feel like it said new start. It's a new beginning, baby. I think that title is taken. But you know what, if we need to change the title of the podcast, we can do that. Okay, we just got to come up with something that isn't being used already. Okay.

What's, what are some podcasts on earth? There are, which, what, what's to, what? There are so many of them. There's what, like, eight, ten? There, I mean, million? How about this? How about my wizard, my Arnie and me? Too close to something that already exists.

That's very close to wait, wait, wait, don't tell me. Anyway, two and a half Ish years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional riff that I used to upload a podcast I record every week here in the tavern the Vermilion Minotaur in the prison down a hog's face Which had been imprisoned by the dark lord, but we confronted him with a wizard killing knife and he just said guys take over hog's face I'm out. So me and my co-hosts we're in charge of this town now. It is no longer a prison town baby

everyone's free. Everybody we've let everybody out of their cages. Let freedom ring. Absolutely. I took Pimbley Nimblebottom down from Swapy McGee's wall. Yeah. So he's doing good. Yeah. Everyone is free. Everything is better. Well, there is still that giant wall around the city. There's still some vestiges of the time

that Dark Lord was in charge, and some of his minions are still here, but now they work for us. Yeah. You know what, I've got to say from what I've seen, it seems like most to all of his minions are still here, but now they work for us. Yeah, you know what, I've got to say from what I've seen, it seems like most to all of his minions are still here. But they work for us. Yes, and I've been getting to know the Orcs. And there are some delight flocks.

Aw, really? Because you used the door. That's a big of you. You used the door, you hate Orcs. I don't hate Orcs anymore. What about they've been treated awfully? What about stylings? Ah, fuck stylings. Yeah.

I'm glad you thought about it for a second. Yeah, I did. But guys, now look, we can just go about everything sort of chaotically and catches catch can. Now that we are in charge of this town, we've got to be a little bit more organized. Now, now for instance instance, Chun, why don't you introduce yourself

and explain what you've been running in the former prison town of Hawks' faith. Now that we're in charge, of course. Bram, ha-hem, bing-bong, I am Chunce, I am in charge of the guards. I am the head guard in charge of the rest of the guards of the Hawks' faith. Wow, and now you're a talking badger, but you're

really shapeshifter. What's it like being in charge of the guards now? Because until this, like a week ago, you were just one of the guards and now you're the other guards boss. Yeah, it's aqua. Yeah, aqua. It's awkward and awesome. Oh, it's awesome because holy shit, I'm the head of the guards, but so awkward because you don't want to be in charge of your you know, you know, it appears like I got promoted above all my friends Yeah, so now nobody talks to me, you know, I feel like me in cockroach clown me in wheel bear me in the to all be patties like we just don't Wait, they're real. Yeah, that was us. I thought you used their invitations. Oh

I thought they were someone you made up no if I just had fake invitations. Oh! Oh! I thought they were someone you made up. No, if I just had fake invitations, I wouldn't make you play 200% stake sisters. Oh yeah, that would make sense. That's insane. You just have you be the two guys standing on top of each other with an overcoat. Oh, that would have been better.

Yes, I would. Name like Borg9. Yeah, that would have been a lot less awkward. Oxwim. What? Oxwim? It doesn't matter. But yes, it's put a bit of a strain on my relationship with the rest of my previous friend.

So I do feel a little bum, but I have you guys, and we have our podcast, so I feel like things are going, and we've been a positive change in food. Yeah, and Yusidor, what have you been? Yusidor, you're a wizard. I am the wizard. You're the big wizard in charge of Hogsface now. I am Yusador, wizard of the twelfth realm of Ephesius, master of Light and Shadow. Yes.

Manipulator of magical lights, Denauer of chaos. Mr. Wizards, champion of the great holes of rockets. The elves know me as Fiengalec. The dwarves know me as Zonen in Hukes, Stinges, and I am known in an orthesisist as Gaspwaniya's Mastar. Oh, and there are secret names, names that I cannot speak aloud.

Lest I turn all of the sky, dark red, and bring down fire and brimstone upon us all. But ye, I would dare do these things for today I stand atop the heap of mine enemies and I do call out I am use it all in charge of streets and sanitation in hog space which I want to say speaking of standing atop a heaps Thank you for cleaning up the heaps of beef because that smell yeah After a while it's just the hot oh hot beef. Yeah, after a while, it's just the hot, oh, hot beef. Yeah. Oh, good. Absolutely. So guys, we're trying to do this a little more orderly now. I'm taking minutes for our meetings. I just want to make sure that we covered everything in the first part of the meeting. So I introduced the name of the podcast, the basic premise

of the podcast. Chuck, you introduced what you are that you're talking about, but then also your shapeshifter. I had a few ideas for other podcasts that you shut down. Okay, yep, yep. Oh, but then also then you said, or you said your full name and then went on for about a full two minutes, right?

If you had to guess. Well, I can minute 10. Okay, great. Well, maybe I'll put it in as two minutes just in case. All right, and then I don't know. Oh, we don't have time for banter. Do you introduce your titles? Oh, I'm in charge of the podcast, of course, which is very important because we've learned that

the secret weapons in the tavern can only be found with a combination effort from FUN and from Earth, and this podcast is the only connection between those two worlds, and also, I'm in charge of the Vermilion Minotaur. Yes, the podcast is very important. It is. Good job. Yeah. And you're in charge of Minots.

And I'm in charge of Minots. I'm a Minotman. But guys, we can't do everything ourselves. We have got a lot of evil minions to manage and make sure they don't do so much evil. Which is why we're going gonna start doing some performance reviews. I've been inviting evil people in so we can talk to them. Noice. Find out how evil they are and if we can stop them from being too evil.

Point me in the direction of the stupid Dufus and his dumb friends. Apparently I am to conference with them, aren't I? No, I don't, no, not that stupid doofus. I don't know who he is. I'd kill him, but I'm not allowed to anymore. The big stupid doofus. From Earth. The back, you're so helpful. Send over whatever I can drink where I'll immediately go blind. Hello.

Hi, dripfang, guys. How are we going to do a performance review for the chef and quizzeter of the Dark, dripfang, guys. We're gonna do a performance review for the chef and quizzeter of the Dark Lord dripfang. Aren't you the cat smiao now? Oh, the three of you sitting atop a heap of beef that used to be the Dark Lord's dominion. Oh, it makes me rye then wriggle with rage. Oh, I was sitting on a porterhouse, but I'll put it on the table.

Oh! Well, Tripfang, I wanted to speak to you about your recent performance. Oh, my God, I've never been angry at you. You said, Doc? I have to take issue. With the way you discipline the orcs during your time in control of hogs face Hmm you kill them without a thought upon a whim. Yes, it is and that is wrong That if I be able to respond to this of course, of course

This is a free forum where you're allowed to speak your mind. Oh to this? Of course. No, of course. This is a free forum where you're allowed to speak your mind. Oh, fun. The watch. But also, keep in mind, where are your bosses? We are your bosses now.

But if there's anything we can do better, please let us know. We're open to a dialogue. But yeah, we want to be the kind of bosses who we can hear that kind of stuff, we can hear the negative stuff. Like cool bosses. But also, I think we can fire you. Oh, I, I'd, all right, I'm going to be straight with everybody at the table already.

If this is a dialogue, before I respond to your evaluation of how I disciplined orcs, I am still so hungover from the Dark Lord's birthday party. I was going to have a shift shift. I oh my god. I got ruined. And then when this it was just a hot pocket of fuck by the end of the night, nothing ever went right. All the food was tipped over. All the work that I did. All the doubling spells that I cast to supply. Enough beef heaps for the murder orgy. Gone in a flash and then the God's damned mansion disappears underneath me. I had to jump out of a window like this bluish muck. Now, you're in my, my, my blue employer, the my supervisor, who I knew. Last time I saw you at the party, you were wearing a lampshade on your head

and you had taken out your penis and you were playing it like a tiny loot. Yes. Ah, well, yes. It was cold that day day so the loot wasn't as robust as it should already, but yes, I had placed a shade for lamp on my head and left my hot boy, party boy robs, just fly around in the breeze and did the loot myself all the way back to town only to find out that my position had been given to you To decide the fate of me So I didn't stop drinking and I haven't stopped drinking and I'm going to continue. Thank you for this wine Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. I've been Automotic

Drink drinking for a week straight. I mean, that's when you, but you say the sounds of drinking while you drink. Slow down. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, wipe of mouth. More wine please. You get drunk much faster. I'm sure. It gets right on top of you and it's so good. It takes so much liquor to get 996 snakes drunk.

It would be 997, but someone stabbed a snake with a wizard killing blade. Alright people under. Oh, I was mistaken. That was just a regular blade. I- I- I detect lies. However, we shall move on. Disciplining of the orcs.

I blew them up and killed them because they didn't listen to me. And so, when you don't listen to someone and they are a necromancer, I used the skills that I had in my disposal, mostly saying words and having them explode. Yes, but the more... Correct way to deal with such a fight. Oh my god. Would you bring them a meeting such as this one,

and talk to them about what they did wrong, and ask them how you could help them, be better at their jobs. Yes, I'll bring the entire rock tribe of the Orcs down to my office and consult them on how to be rabid killing machines better. Sure. Yeah, you can say, guys, you're killing a lot and that's great, but how can I help you be more rabid and more killing machiney. You always want to sandwich a constructive bit of criticism between a couple of compliments if you can. I should, oh, all right, I'll give it a shot. So it's compliment criticism, compliment.

Yes, thanks, mate. A compliment sandwich. Very well. Orcs, what a great job that you have done at being bristling killing machines from the depths of hell. That's one slice of bread. Kill everybody faster. You stupid, stupid, jagged tooth freaks. Not perfect, alright.

Come on. Now the other slice of bread. Great job keeping your daggers, glades, and bladed implements poisoned. That's, this is cruel. That's cruel, this is cruel. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug,

glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, bottle. Cling. I hoarded the longest bottle they had and I demand another. So here's the thing about the orcs though, you know, we've only seen you kill a couple orcs personally. But then, apparently, if they're funerals, they have a tendency to kill a lot more of them. And so you've diminished about 25% of the orcs in Hogsface. That's correct. I am rooting them out so that the strongest orcs were left to destroy the fauces who would

stand against the dark lord. So I'm the head of the guards now as you may have heard. Oh boy. So how I like to deal with these kind of things is if you've committed some sort of what we do in a crime, it's based on the honor system, do you feel like you should be imprisoned or punished? So okay, so under the honor system, I get to decide if I should be in prison or not. I know, I don't think I should be in prison.

That's right. I found the loophole. It's the one loophole, the one thing you've found it. I'm not even a lawyer and I found it. But guys, this is a learning process for us too. We're getting, every day we're learning better how to be in charge of Hogs face. Yes, you've been in charge of the entirety of Hogs face. And your mission, though, to me, is a mystery, and I must serve you in some ways.

I do possess skills that will be valuable in whatever they... ...purpose you have been given by my sovereign might have been. Say you guys want information from someone. Yes? Ah! Oh, sure, yeah? I can torture them until they're literally insane and have no control over what they say So they will speak the truth to relieve themselves of pain And then I'll give them a nice sandwich because I am a chef after all and then destroy them utterly a

Literal sandwich or a compliment sandwich literal sandwich no no no, yes, yep, absolutely now while we don't condone torture of any kind, and it has been proven to be ineffective very clearly. Very clearly. Oh, that, uh, but yet there are some of your dark arts that we could put purpose for ourselves and our hopes. Glug, glug, glug, surprise. Yes. You would use my dark arts for some purpose.

Your necromancer, are you not? I can bring dead things from back look I brought look the I brought a dead troll hand in here Troll is dead and I cut a stand off now. I bring it was on boom babe bow and look now It's dancing on my head. Oh, I put a tiny hat on it so that the dance is more jaunty Yeah, it's not dancing the way you think a hand would you think it would be using the fingers his legs Yeah, it's using the stump part of the wrist. Yeah, it's weird.

It's hopping up and down. It's a bounce around. The bone is sticking into my hand, which is vaguely painful, but I barely feel anything because I'm so freaking cung over. And then, web a deep, bit damn doom, and then it's gone. Oh, well, basically. Let me try that. A wamp-wamp, a loop-wamp, a lot of bamboom.

Yes, and then end it by stating a sound and something sweet that grows on a tree that you would like to consume. There are secrets here in the tavern that we must unravel. We need you to go to the cemetery. Speak to those people who have been buried here in Hogsface and have them spill all their secrets. Okay, okay, okay. Everybody, be real with me. Yeah. You want me to conjure them and interrogate the dead. Well, interrogate a strong word. Just have a conversation with me. Yeah. You want me to conjure them and interrogate the dead. Well, interrogate

the strong word. Just have a conversation with them. Okay, but raise them from the dead. For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I'm checking on. You want me to raise that many dead people. Well, look, dead, everything. Tripping how, how, and how much detail do we have to explain it? All we're asking you to do, go to the cemetery, bring all of the dead people there to life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm sure something good will come of that. I have a constructive conversation with them about the things that they know, about the Vamilian Minotaur.

We've been reviewing everyone's records and seeing what they could do to help us out. And as a Necromancer, you could speak to people who may have secrets they took with them to the grave. That would, and so these fools have given me the tools that I need to destroy them. My greatest act of necromancy ever, raising an entire cemetery's worth of those which I can control, bring here to Hogsface and make these three suffice. Juryfeng, what? Your monologue-ing-out love. Are you... or okay, so everybody heard all of that.

Yeah, and Juryfeng, you know, a lot of your co-workers have complained to us your monologue out loud already. Oh, okay. So everybody heard all of that. Yeah. And you just feed. Yeah. And Tripp fang, you know, a lot of your co-workers have complained to us about the fact that you tend to monologue in front of them. Oh, God. Usually about their specific demise, about betraying them. Yeah.

So a lot of shitty assides that people don't care for. The badger is onto me. I must find a way to destroy the badger first. That way that he could... Am I doing this right now? This is everybody here. My mouth is moving. I don't mind this.

Well, yeah. Glug, glug, glug. Listen, we also need you to visit some people's pets, might know secrets, so it might need you to bring back their pets as well. You, I shall report then to the pets in this area. To raise those. Sometimes they just raise themselves! You bury them in the wrong spot and they just pop up to wreak havoc, it's really quite fun.

Haha, that is all agreed. Much like the Dark Lord properly proclaimed in ease conversation with you, once the cessation of this sad treaty is over, we'll all go back to just generally trying to butcher one another. Fine. Great. Arnie. Can you read those minutes back to us? Oh, what did you get the thing about but I could have brought an oxenographer in here? I'm supposed to take minutes the whole meeting. Yes. Well, that's why I think it's for I just took the minutes of the beginning Or we were making sure that we were like So he's but he's probably in charge of a lot of things which is why he forgot to do that thing right?

He's probably in charge of a lot of really important things. I think he's in charge of you kidding. No actually I'm calling in an emergency Performance review trip. Thank could you join us to help review on his performance? Excellent. I do mind. I guess I wasn't really prepared for this. He put the Earth doofus and I shall have it son of a bitch. Is this how you dress for your performance review? I guess I wasn't really prepared for this But it turned to the earth doofus and I shall have it Son of a bitch

Is this how you dress for your performance review? Uh-huh, this is how I dress for a G-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T- I also think what if anything you too much responsibility yes the second part of my statement was going to be I think the responsibility You have you're failing it. What clearly these these tasks are too mean you and you aren't Following through because you aren't using all of your facilities Yes, and don't you think as according to the honor system you should determine your punishment And so decide whether or not you should as appropriate punishment for this dereliction of duty Throw yourself into the mouth of a Hydra and have the other two Hydra heads come on air this side and rip you in three pieces and then Spit you at something important answer the question. I've thought a lot about what I've done And I I think that's its own punishment and I shouldn't be eaten by a Hydra. Thank you. He got us good. A Hydra thing was good

Thank you. I respect that a lot. I respect you as well I hate you hate you straight up isn't one of your tasks to run the Vermilion Minotaur Yeah, you upkeep and run it like a business upkeep Yes, upkeep this place is still a dump. Did you know that outside the sign that says Vermilion Minotaur the First couple letters fell off and now it just says million minnow. Million minnow, I mean, think about it. I like that name. We're not rebranding.

We don't want to rebrand. You yourself said we shouldn't. We never did do for Million Minotaur T-shirts. It's not too late to just go with Million Minnow. And what's that about? You're in charge of the podcast. Shouldn't we have a Million Minotaur T-shirt, or at least a Boy's Night T-shirt?

Oh, you know what, that's something that I have figured out. You know when the social media manager was sending that, uh, who? So, yeah, I'm a guy, I'm on a chat. Oh, yeah, okay. You're chint eyes in the web of rage. I figured it out. He was saying more merchandise on the web page.

So if you go to hellofromthemagictavern.com, there's a lot more easy links to get to buy merchandise for a show. Show plug your way on this, okay? Yes, and to answer for what you've done, you should travel very far from here, like super duper far, locate a sea monster who has been at the depths of the seas for so long that it no longer resembles anything else on food because it was once a man that was cursed for his misdeeds. It rises from the depths, looks directly into your eyes, tells you every secret that you have ever tried to keep for your own benefit.

And because they are so wretched, you take a knife and you jam it into the most sensitive part of your brain. Oh boy, you know what, I gotta say part of that are intriguing. But the whole knife to the brain thing, I think I've learned such an important lesson from just the great guidance you guys have given me. Do I think that's the best thing? Just thank you, great guidance.

Yeah. I just have to say, it's an honor to be working alongside all of you and I feel like if I have like one weakness It's that I'm too committed. Oh Well, I'm very impressed that you've managed to turn my thoughts around about your job that you were doing. Speaking of turning things around, I did notice I put a little bit at the end of our pre-minutes that we also have to do a use-ador review.

What a heart. Oh, good. Yeah, if we could move our chairs around to the side of the table. On this air. Dore how do you feel like you're doing as a wizard? Well as a wizard. Phenomenal wizard. Wasn't your whole goal to defeat the Dark Lord? Yes and I feel like I know I have not accomplished yet but you know life is a journey of steps and I'm taking the steps in the right direction. Do a little bit for your career every day, that's what they say. You said, are we're gonna see yourself in five years?

Uh, at five years from now, I see myself standing over the bloated corpse of the Dark Lord. Five years from now? Well, I'll go back there every once in a while. It's really slow for a while. It's a... I mean, granted. It took us two years to get to this point. No, no, no, no. Okay, well, sometime within those five years, I'm ingranted. It took us two years to get to this point. No, no, no, no.

OK, well, sometime within those five years, I see myself standing over the bloated corpse of the dark lord, soared in hand as the fiscous fluid that he has replaced his blood with the drip off of it. And I shall scream to the worlds, you are all free again. Yosidor, this is only trick-pain speaking inside your mind. scream to the worlds, you are all free again! Use it all. This is only trip and speaking inside your mind. I have cast a glamour upon the table with which the two other jerks I'll think that you

are still talking and I am doing push-ups like a strong boy. Oh, join me. Join you. Turn on these two. Destroy on an Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arn-Arn-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum-Arnum destroy Arnum Arnum Narm. Arnaloton. That's probably the power of the Pounding. Push up, see what he's been doing. Be kill, Chant.

Beat Arne to death with Chant. Take the weapons at your disposal. Use them to raise Chant from the grave to see what he's done. Then beat him to death with Arne's corpse. Enjoy the Indogloid. Rai's to the power that is the greatest that is within Sajju. Oh, top of the great halls of Caracas. It's Rai's to Caracas.

Sorry, I didn't go there for which it's cool. Sorry. Destroy those very halls, bring them down around you, and rise as we, the three true rulers of Foon, do menace all what a tempting offer this is about how kickass that was to rise above so metal I could take care of all of the sweet men and women and children of food and I would then kill them and raise them and they'd dance around are they was so cool. No, I would protect them.

If I had ultimate power, I could become the ultimate protector. And all I have to do is kill these two fools who plagued me these past two years. No, they are my friends and they are going to help me defeat evil for all time. The get out of my brain trip, bang! No! Man, I have to say your Trippang, you're a strong boy.

Oh, this. That's so many pushups. Thank you. I have to get them in. Trippang, I realize this is the middle of my performance for you. Yeah. But, I'm going to tell, I'm going to tell Taylor of school, Trippang just tried to get it in my mind and make me evil with him. Well, sounds like we have to revisit our Performance review. Okay, move our chairs back over to this side. Okay, I'm speaking to you only in your mind right now

What kill you said or beat Arnie to death with him then kill Arnie again and beat Arnie to death with Arnie again And then come and join me as the king of all shapeshifters sounds like you've made this offer before it was really is the king of all shapeshifters. Sounds like you've made this offer before, it was really, it's got a roll off the, that was awesome. Arnie, I saw specifically inside your brain. Can you order me some roosters feed and then some skins of the potato

when it hollowed out and replaced with like melted cheese because I have a headache and I can concentrate and I just want to die up. That's cool. I won't write it down But I've got all of it. No, that I'm not trying to tempt you because I think you're fucking stupid What was he just in your head? Yeah, yeah, he made an offer But it came out like like when somebody's told a story several times is like you polished yeah listen We have to punish you for being inside of our minds making us of you know an evil offer honor system do you feel like you deserve to be punished I feel that I've learned my lesson and

we'll never do it again I've've gotta say that this whole punishment system, John, I still think it's working, which is why I think we need to do a performance review. I saw this coming, I saw this coming. Yes. Well, I hope you guys all have my resume in front of you and you'll see for my references that I have a little Richard. There's so many references on here. It says like, at almost absurd number of references. Contact them, any of them. Contact any of them. There's a list of references on here. It says like, and I almost absurd number of references.

Contact them, any of them. Contact any of them. The list of references on here. I still like that's one of my strong points, so one of my strong suits is references. But here's the part that's supposed to be your education and you start talking about your education and then there's just a bunch more references.

It's the font is so small. Yeah. Well, I feel like sometimes you should try and call them because I feel like sometimes you're confused by some of my reference Sure, I noticed here at the top two would also say you're a shapeshifter. Yes. I think you're a badger I am a shapeshifter this whole time. I've been saying I'm a shapeshifter. Yes. I remember I was a flamingo Yes, a tiny horse years ago. Yes, maybe an alligator at some point. Yes. I remember those things. Yeah, I don't you Why don't you use that more often? I should you know at some point't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. an art that I know not how, but I can take the shape of different things just by manipulating the snakes within me. It asks me to turn into some... I'll still basically keep my same color and clothing and everything, but I'll just be in the shape of whatever you want. A giant snake.

Jarvis, Rizzo! Whoa! Whoa! Pretty cool, right? Donkey. Music, music, music! Baaah! Baaah!

Baaah! I don't know why he's but... Baaah! I'm not gonna talk about that. BaaA! BAAA! I don't know why he's but... BAAA! BAAA! Uh, I'm actually... This is a little bit awkward. A trip thing. You do a lot of great work around Hogsface,

and we feel like you could be a great tool. But we're a little bit worried about some of the redundancy in snakes. Uh, real quick. Can I change back from a dunk? The holding this pose as a donkey is just fucking me all up. Oh sure. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Um, yes, there's clerical work. Yes, there's clerical work. There's record keeping. And like some people at this table. I just feel like, I know this is an awful scary word.

We're gonna have to down snake you a little bit. No. We're going to have to let go of 500 snakes. Yeah. I'll be down to 496 snakes. Well, some of them just are melting our expectations. I'll be three foot four. I mean, that sounds adorable. That I can't be that size. I must be three foot four. I mean, that sounds adorable.

That I can't be that size. I must have been very cute. Ooh, I need to have all these snakes inside of me. Well, here's the thing. Here's the good news though. I know they're going to have to leave your body, but Shen will provide each of them with a reference. Yes.

Oh, all 500 of them to get a reference? I will give them each a reference. They may not get them. Yeah, they'll have to wait till after the credits. But that sounds that sounds like a fate worst in death. Like we said, you will be downsized to you three foot four. Better than you be what you are now, which is six foot four and four of muscle. Uh, here I mean reference. What is one only?

Okay, one of the numbers to go. Okay. Okay, then there goes the first snake then. Goodbye Matthew, there was your reference. Well, thank you for coming in today, dripfang. I hated every minute of this. We were very sorry, we have to let half of you go. But, what half of you gets the same? Half of you gets the same. Thank you for this review.

I shall take your notes to heart and seek to make myself useful in the cause of destroying the void and maintaining peace between you and the Dark Lord. That is wonderful. Can we just for our records? Did you want to keep the drip half for the thing half? I or some combination? We will review and make a combination of both so that each one be dang Frip oh my god Get grip grip grip grip grip grip. I'll get back to you Now of course if you help us don't you do a good job. We'd love to we'd love to bring those snakes back We'd love to be a absolute. Oh, yeah, we would love to bring them back into the fold if possible.

I'll keep that in mind, but I also keep in mind how. Absolutely, I've been destroyed these jerk-offs. They will make such an end to them. They will wish that their mothers had never seen them. You're my logging Europe, yeah. One of those roosters feet can get here. Though I did not think of joining trip fang in his evil ways I am still tempted to do something about Chantanani Is that what I was gonna do to them?

Uses or now a science. He also models. I feel like I'm going insane. Everyone's monologue 500 references I don't know if I have that in me. I know they won't be funny. I don't know I think the Baron said go-goodles Did I just imagine that? That's a real weird thing for him to say Uh I've had a request from some of the snakes that they be put in some manner of Sex maggot department so that they can clean up at them department. Yes Exactly so that they can maintain some of their evil pooh-ho-puss by cleaning up after murder orgies.

I'm assuming we're still having murder orgies that not everything has a gone all-topsy to be. There's no plan to have murder orgies. So, or if there were, we'd make sure everyone came. Now, there are lots of plans to have orgies. Oh, they just won't end in murdering the first person who has an orgasm. That's right. I hate everything. But as we've been learning plans to make orgies don't necessarily result in as many orgies as plans. True. Sometimes you get too tow up on dream

wine to get your main snake going. Yeah. I hate that I said that. Yes. Hey, uh, chun, have you gotten any emails lately? Because you know, obviously besides being in charge of all the guards, you are still manning the email address chuntwith60satgmail.com. Absolutely. You can also find me on Twitter at chuntwith60s. This is from Robert Simmons to chun and gmail.com. Uh, that subject says salsa, mail or demon. Uh, it looks like it's just a recipe for, uh, salsa on earth perhaps. Maybe Yusur, would you mind reading this in your chef case?

Oh, I would be delighted. And then don't eat Arnie's phone. I know that will help you remember the recipe, but we can also just write it on your hand or I mean write it down. Three peeled peaches. Four cocktail tomatoes. One third cup chopped onion. 1 third cup Chopped Onion 1 third cup Salon Troll 3 garlic cloves

8 ounces Green Peppers 2 teaspoons Cider Vinegar 2 teaspoon Lemon Juice 1 third teaspoon Pepper Touch of Coastal Boomer-Spoon Red Pepper Flakes. Half T-Spoon Human One Tablespoon Honey. You know that if you take that exact recipe and you swap out honey for the blood that is dripped from a Chiymera's wound. You can make a great potion that will give a giant paranoid schizophrenia. So just that's something if that's something

applicable on Earth. But yeah, just in case you want to drive a giant bugfuck. Yeah. But you know guys, we've been focusing so much on stuff within the town of Hogsface, but we shouldn't forget that one of our most important missions now is to unlock the secrets of the tavern so that we can find a weapon that can stop the void. Absolutely. Which brings us to our performance review

of Mundle the Grondle. Oh, Mundle. Is that a great job? What's that? Is that where you were going? No, no, I was just going to say that it's as important as ever that our listeners send us emails with suggestions of ways that we can unlock the secrets of the tavern because some of this information is probably only available on Earth. That's very true. We must work together to solve these clues and thereby find the weapon that will destroy the void

For instance, I was looking at the painting of Otox father that we got the clue from before is which is how we found that That very normal knife that very normal knife that killed Blinda. Yeah Now before we opened that painting up and found the compartment behind it, Darby was alive, right? Otak's father Darby Barleyfoot, because when we put the painting back on the wall, the picture of him is dead. Yeah, he's just sitting on the ground. Yeah, it's just a painting of a dead Darby. Cool.

Oh, the painting itself appeared alive, but now appears dead. Oh yeah, I assume Otak, I mean I assume a dog's father has been dead for a long time. I don't really know. Yes, he passed away some years ago. But now the... in the painting he's dead. Oh, how interesting. And he's weirdly pointing up into the sky above him. To... to... Deon?

To... Deon? The ceiling. Oh, ceiling, Deon? Uh,? De-Sealing. Oh, sealing Deon? Deon? Maybe, well, right, above him on the ceiling, on that part of Deon is, looks like a family crest with cats in it. Cat crest. Cat. Cat.

Is that for blemish? Cat crest. Is that blemish's family crest? Could be. Oh, that's gotta be blemish's crest that blemish's family crest? Could be. Oh, that's gotta be blemish's crest, right? Bunch of cats? Guess so. Well, if anyone on earth has any ideas about that,

you can email me and Magic Tavorna, but he's not supplies. It's a real email, dress. Or you can contact me on Twitter at YousadoreTheBlue. Or if you want to get in touch with Driftfang, throw a rock at a basilisk, die in its service, and then go fuck yourself.

God, so I'm just already soaked from. Driftfang, we also probably do need to talk about your drinking on the job. Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink. It's pretty awesome, right? Yeah, you're about, you're literally saying drink. What are you drinking on the job? What are you talking about? Well, I think now that we're trying to be a little more proactive.

We drink every week on this podcast. We always have ails and rainbow bowls and the like. I was thinking that maybe just until we figure out how to defeat the void that we should maybe stop drinking. What? On the show at least. No. Uh-uh. I'm out.

Not drinking on a show anymore? Well, guys, let's do like us sober until the void is destroyed over. That I thought that was gonna go somewhere as I started sending it. But all the more reason I should stop drinking. Alcohol consumption, alcohol consumption, alcohol consumption, putting glass on table. I didn't catch any of that. I was getting

You mean like in October yeah, we would remain sober Well, I'm game. I mean you can call me mr. October because I won't get jackson One of the snakes slither away. Oh Reggie He was so arrogant, but so good at his job. Was he wearing glasses? He was. He didn't care that people didn't know he had bad eyesight. He fought with his manager when he grew up in Oakland and then he transferred to a section

of Skur known as the Bronx. Drift Hang, I appreciate you doing a good chunk of Chunch-Chunch for him. Hey, anytime. Any time you guys also want to talk about Pete the Rose! I'm around. Well, when you burn through the A-list, like we did last week, I guess seven days later you got to spend 40 minutes licking the batter from the ball. Use it all the wizard was played by Mate Yingling.

Chant the shape shifter was played by adorable Rafiki. Drip Fang the Necromancer was played by special guest Kevin Seretta. Kevin performs regularly with the improvised Shakespeare company at Chicago's Iotheaher, and on the five days of the week ISC doesn't perform, Kevin can be found at home, wondering what went wrong. Spoiler alert, he knows what went wrong. Alright, Robot Arnie, on your personal hero's journey, this is somewhere between the call to adventure and the mentor loses interest. Don't worry, Robot Arnie has been programmed to do anything Krig can do.

Hello from The Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Knee Camp, Rhyanda Georgi, and Evan Jacoba. This episode edited by Rhyanda Georgi. The Magic Tavern logo was created by Aller Blabon, and the Magic Tavern theme song was made by Andy Poland. Once again, don't forget about our upcoming Washington DC live show November 14th at the 6th and I historic synagogue with special guest David Plott from the Slate Political Gab Fest. You can get tickets and information by going to Hello from themagictavern.com and clicking on the live shows tab. And while you're at Hello from themagictavern.com and clicking on the live shows tab. And while you're at Hello from themagictavern.com, look around at some of the merchandise, some of the shirts.

The holidays aren't so so far away. Follow us on Twitter, follow us on Facebook, contribute to the Wiki, and have conversations on Reddit. Share some fan art, journal your secret thoughts about the show, stealthily sneak a stranger's phone out of their pocket or purse at a party, and then subscribe to the podcast and slip the phone back before they're any the wiser. And make sure to keep hydrated! Hi, Dred.

Hello from the Magic Davern as part of the Earwolf Podcast Network, and as always, thank you to the Chicago Podcast co-op. I'm gonna go try to figure out some of these clues. See ya next week! So you know Pete the Rose? I'm well familiar with Pete the Rose and his works. Oh that's amazing. You know uh uh he's is he still red? That! Goodbye Amanda. Yes he's still uh he adorns himself in the red colors of his glory days

but now no more. He's done himself grieved his honor and is considered pariah by all. Ooh, I wouldn't bet on him. No, what's that? Oh, definitely. Have you ever seen a stone rose? Oh, powerful. They're nice, but they always want to be a door.

That, oh, there it goes. Candence and Terence. They're married, so I'm glad they left at the same time. What were their names? Terence and Candence. Bergen. Ow! Oh, that one had a sensible pantsuit on.

Was that one brown? To be fair, we didn't say they would all be good references. No. Never. Yes, that one was brown and left with another snake named Murphy. Oh, fuck, now I'm doing it. I didn't even know I was doing it. You know the escape out of my fingernail, so it's super painful, right? Well, you know, if Murphy escaped, that's just gonna be the law, huh?

Buh, that cat of law. Anything that can happen will. Nooo. Goodbye, Jose. And Smith. Duh. Aw. Oh.

That was Neil. He maintained my pituitary system. There goes Patrick and Harris. Ah! Well, I'm shrinking more and more by the passing moment. Pituitary left? Ooh, talk about an American land stand. There goes Dick and there goes Clark.

Jennifer? Is that something? You just said a name? You just said a name? You just said a fucking name. I'm trying to give references. It if as a woman that I went to high school with, but it wasn't that. That's what I meant. Oh, well, okay, there you go. One of the snakes I hated just got out of me. Yeah, don't bring copper to a gold party.

Thank you.