Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 36 - Blessed Troll (w/ Dana Gould)

Episode Date: November 20, 2017

We’re visited by a troll that has been both blessed and cursed with special powers.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungCraig Davis: Dana GouldMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Work it now! Do a oh hello! Have we started? I'm busy fixing my Craig. I can tell you, alone in the space bunker, the Wednesday night double Dutch socials have been a train wreck. Alright, booting up Craig should take just about the length of time of a podcast that could stand to lose a good 15 minutes. In Jolly the Show. Hello from the Magic cavern! A weekly podcast on the magical land of fune I'm your host Arne and eCamp if you've

never listened to the podcast before. This is everything you need to know about 2.5 plus years ago I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of fune. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through that dimensional riff, and I use it to upload a podcast I record every week here in the tavern the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town hog's face, in the land of Foon, and I'm joined as always by my co-host, Usador the Wizard. I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow,

Minipulator of magical lights, Devourer of Chaos, champion of the great hoes of Trockus! The elves know me as Fien-Yaluk, the dwarves know me as Zodyn in hook stangies, and I am known in the north-east as gasmoneas meystar. Class Anus, and there may be other secret names. Oh, if these names were to be uttered in your presence, why I believe your very blood would begin to boil, your urine would begin to freeze, and the bile in your system would shoot straight out

of your ears. All at the same time? So my blood would boil, and my urine would freeze. That would have to be a mostly unpleasant sensation. It sort of evens itself out. Yeah, there's probably some of it's like, there's, like around the edges of this, I'm enjoying it, but most of it's bad. And then you get some bile out of your ears. I found out about the new-

Not a bad deal. What what? I found out I want to use it or secret names. What's his name? New one. Don't say the one that's gonna- Be careful. Don't say the one that's going to make my blood boil, but if it's one that makes my urine freeze, that's fine. Captain Happenstance?

Captain Happenstance? That's the rumor. Where did you hear this? I heard it from the brownies. Oh, yes, that's just one of my secret names. The brownies know you as Captain Happenstance? That's right. Or you just heard it from the brownies.

I just heard it from the brownies. Wow. Well, I haven't introduced you, but I'm also happy to be joined by my other co-host, Chump, the Talking Badger. Little squish in it. How you doing, bud? I'm doing pretty good. You know, I reopened Chichu's chow.

Yes, the rest of the restaurant business is going to create. I'm open up that shack for butt soup, so that's back open. And I wanted to know if you would help me out because the foolish delicacies that we serve such as Fox Face and Rissar's feet now, you don't seem into. So is there some sort of dish from your world that I could put on the menu that might elicit some zeal and you visiting the restaurant? Oh, an earth in delicacy.

Yeah, what's like hot on earth right now? What's, uh, or of two years ago? Oh, yeah. What was hot on earth before I fell through the dimensional portal? Well, you mentioned something about cronuts or those? Yeah, well, there are donuts that are also for cros. You know, I gotta say, I wasn't 100% even sure what a cronut was. Like, I feel like I would see people talking about on the internet, and there were just a lot of buzz about these things and I was like mental note Find out what a cronet is definitely eat one

But I fell through the dimensional portal before I really knew what it was. I assume it's a donut With some extra stuff on it pretty good description. Yeah, I think from that I can probably cook some up Yeah, oh no, no, no, what's some extra stuff? Thanks. You've been a huge help look., I'll eat a donut. Like you can also just make a donut. Yeah, we can tell. What sort of extra stuff? Oh, I like maybe nuts? Like I really wish I don't have donuts with nuts on your world. So don't do that. It's called a cronet. Maybe guys, it's my own fault for apparently talking about cronets so much, even though I don't fully know what they are. And I apologize. You know what, I don't do this enough on the podcast?

You sit or, Sean, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about going on and on about cronuts. So I'm talking about some, I don't know, nothing about. Thank you, you're right, and you do not apologize. This is unheard of. I'm just trying to make hogs face a better place, and I'm starting with me. I'm acting, not just locally, I'm acting personally. I'm gonna make hogs face better, I, and I'm starting with me. I'm acting, not just locally, I'm acting personally.

I'm gonna make hogs face better, I'm gonna make this tavern better. I mean, this table is a fucking mess. I'm not that invested in cleaning that up, but otherwise, sure, it's going from macro to micro. That's impressive. Yeah, you do you.

I'm trying to. How are things with you in the guards? Oh, pretty good. Yeah, I'm trying to be more buddy-buddy with them, but it seems like I'm on the outside. So it's gotta be tough because you were a guard and now you're the boss of the guards. Yeah, they're playing a lot of pranks on me. So this is almost like, uh, harkening back to when I was King of the Badgers. Well, I still am King of the Badger, but I feel like the guards are playing pranks on me, you know, cockroach clown will, you know, I'll wake up and he'll have stabbed me into my side and stuff like that. I don't think that's a

prank. No, it's a joke. It's all good fun because he's laughing. I think it might be a joke to him, but no one else. John, just be careful. I don't want the same thing to happen as what happened. Wheel bear, wheel bear put, he coated my testicles and honey. And then cracked open a hornet's nest. It's all good fun. It's all funny stuff. I was with it for the first half of that prank.

And then not so much. He called the honey nuts. Honey nuts? Yeah, okay. I'm coming around on it actually. I really am coming around. Could that be one of my secret names, honey nuts? Why, why does everybody keep wanting to accumulate more and more names? Because names have great power and knowing the true name of things that you control it. All right, so look.

Do you realize that in two and a half years in a magical land full of danger that you have lived? Did you notice that? You know why? Because some people call you Arnie. Some people call you Arnold. Some people call you Arnor accidentally. Some people call you Big Guy.

Some people call you The Earth Dude, right? Carnival Wilson. Carnival Wilson. All these names help keep you alive. Yeah. If you were just Arnie the whole time, you'd be dead by now. I thought it was because I rarely leave this tavern. Oh that does it too.

That's probably it. You're very active. That's very, and that's true. But speaking of something that I can do in this magical world without leaving this tavern or this chair for that matter, I'm very excited to talk to our guest. Guys, we have a troll. It's been a while since we've had a troll on the podcast. I'm excited to talk to Craig Davis.

Yeah, hey, it's my troll name. That's your troll name. Yeah, my, you know, a lot of trolls have parents. Yeah. You know, you realize that your parents are you're a bez, you're a belling against... You're as you're abelling against your parents. They're abelling against their parents. And they thought it was really cool to name me Craig Davis, which they thought was a sort of a counter name. Oh, I see. So I'll be naming my child, Gladriel and...

Oh, Gladriel and some... That's a great... Tin. Glad... Gladriel and some... That's a great name, great. Well, it's gifts it's gifts of generation. Yeah, what were your parents names? There there was a Zaron And

Is it proper when you say them to trail off? Well, we call them ZNC. Well, no, that is the it's actually how it's written We're a particular subset of helps where when you write it did I say else that you know what that's me I'm sorry. That's on me. I'm at that age now. You know the other day I went out And I was up for for eight hours wander around the mighty wood and then and you started to think why the hell did I leave the house Yeah, and then I get halfway home, I remember. I needed to buy some shirts. And I completely lost it. Yeah, you forgot.

But when you'd spell my parents' names, you actually have to write the letters and a gradually descending font. Oh, I see. Yeah, too. So technically, their names may not ever end, but just- No, they don't, that's the whole point. I say, wow.

He might be still saying them, and we just cut them off. Yeah, but that's fine there. You know, let me tell you something. I say, wow, he might be still saying them. And we just cut him off. Yeah, but that's fine there. You know, let me tell you something, I have a rare, rare, rare etching of my parents, not talking about themselves. It's a hard one to find. Yeah. Yeah, they were distracted by a flying, a flying reptile and that took him off track for about a minute, but they they eared it back in Trust me. It's ironic the story you just held for I once went upon a quest for four decades Attempting to defeat the great dark dragon of cell four and I did return

For God to kill the dragon. We're just brought some some shirts exactly. It's the reverse of what I did Yes, have you ever walked into a room in your house and then you think what I walk in here Yes, you don't and you don't know why you walked in here and you think it's either a spell or I'm starting to get a little Loco in the cocoa exactly right sometimes I treat myself down to the size of a walnut I crawl inside of a picture and then I go Why did I do this? But that's, and you know what, the only thing you can do is find a reflecting pool, look into it and shrug and say,

Pobody's an perfect. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. You know, once I decided I was gonna go through Quest through a dungeon near here and get the lunar sword and I forgot to do that for like almost a full year. I got a lot of emails about that.

Very long time. And when you did, you killed a teenager. Yeah, well, not perfect. So congrats, I'm not permanent. What a big man. Now you're from Earth. I am from another dimension called Earth. Yeah, I've heard I did a little research.

Oh great. Because on it's so funny, on Earth, they also have dungeons, apparently very different than ours. You do? Why, I mean, you told us this was about that. You never talk about it. Well, they're mostly for sex. It's a, it's a commodity, this will, this will, this will,

it may you. Craig Davis, I demand you to tell this story. Well, I'm gonna, I'm gonna leave it to the expert, but this, fasten your job person. That's all I'm gonna say. Hold on, let me, wait, Arnie, your jobpers. That's all I'm gonna say hold on let me wait Arnie what's it? Let it rip well on my world there are dungeons like if you are you have enough money

You want to build a place under your house that's sex a man and a woman will do battle yeah And then have love they won't make love so have no have I guess that's the vernacular have love or make love. Okay. A level erupt. They will reach a point of frantic enjoyment. What is the when the love erupts? Where does it go? Are you? I depend. That's way I'm a troll. Depends on how I'm a troll. I'm a troll. That's out of my pay grade. I'm a troll. I lie I lie to a small sage brush on fire and I dance around the three times and then I'm a troll, I light a small sage brush on fire and I dance around the three times and then I need a bowl cereal and I need to go to bed. That's how we do it. But I do find it fascinating that in this dimension from what you claim to be, and that

people have managed to combine the concepts of love and battle. Whereas here, more appropriately, they're quite separate. Yeah, well, I think there's a lot more. And yet both for the same reason, the acquisition of land. Yeah. No, yeah, there's a lot of that on this world. You know, on my-

Traditional marriage. It's true, you're very into traditional marriage. I'm into traditional marriage when one, a member of one species, clubs, a member of another species unconscious and drags them to their lair, you're now on their family's land. Oh, yeah. It's a very troll way of thinking, a very old-fashioned troll way of thinking. I believe that marriage should be between two sentient creatures who love one another

at a willing exchange of dowry. But Craig, Davis, I want to learn a little bit more about you. You know, we talked a bit about your parents. What's, who is Craig Davis? Well, I was born of two poor but industrious fools. And if my claim to fame, if there's a reason I get up in the morning and put on my jerkin, it's years ago, I encountered a friend of yours, the brown, the brown wizard. And North, North of Brown. What a, what a, there's

a winner. We, we had words, we were on the same, we were going in opposite directions on the same narrow road. And, and he asked me to move out of the way. But I became visible around the corner prior to him, and so it is the rule of the trail that he should have stepped aside. But again, I'll say this, and Yargall gonna think, here it comes! There were brambles. So we had words and he blessed slash cursed me where I am the

recipient of many many powers that would normally be quite desires but they are all compromised and mitigated for example. I can fly Wow, you go wow congratulations, but I can only fly three feet off the ground Oh, so there's it makes it very difficult. I'm often scraped I cannot fly near any crowds It's it's a terrible terrible It's more of a hindrance than than anything. Yeah banging your knees. There's a lot of terrible, it's more of a hindrance than any of you. Sure, yeah, banging your knees.

There's a lot of banging the knees, a lot of small animals nipping often successfully. At my thighs and feet, it doesn't really save that. What I found is it doesn't save that much time. With altitude, you, because of the nature of a trapezoid, you can traverse greater distances in a smaller period of time and when you're three feet off the ground you might as well be walking. Yeah, especially since there's so many it's such a woodsy part of the world. And if you say yes you can go over a

lake. Sure you can. But guess what you're gonna be as wet as you would be if you swam it. Yeah. Because you're kicking up water. It's again, it's a blessing in a curse. Yeah, you are. It's a blessing in a curse. I have the gift of X-ray vision, Oh, I'm referring only to my parents clothing. Again, not a power that you want to have. Can you turn that one on and off?

Pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, just thinking about it. All right. Just thinking about it. Are you alright? Just thinking about it. Just thinking about it, made me cough. No, you spend a lot of time looking everywhere else. Imagine if you could two plucked and washed turkeys being tossed about in a barrel with a glass top.

Oh. And that's what you see what a... That's a vivid image. It is. And believe me, it's burned into my mind. Yeah, like no one's business Yeah, certainly not mine. If you've ever seen a Briar Wulf who's lost a leg They had dealt. Yeah, I don't know if I know what a Briar Wolf is Briar Wolf is a large

I guess it would be a wolf like uh-huh and a large, I guess it would be a wolf like. Uh-huh. Uh, and uh, they're K9, roughly K9. Like, so, like a one headed syribus. Oh, wow. Uh, no, they have them. They have them. You should know about this,

because it's wolf awareness month. Oh, it is wolf awareness month. Well, I mean, at first I would be like, do I need a wolf awareness month, but I am learning there's a lot of types of wolves I don't know about. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,vus. Well, Traverse, if he loses a leg, and many of them do tend to lose a front or back paw often in games of, I bet I can chew your leg off.

But they adapt quite quickly, and you'll see them what they will do. If it is a rear leg, they will spin their tail on the ground to provide the ballast that allow them to walk. And that is what I have to do now with my several powers. It limits your life, for example. I have the ability of great, great mighty strength. When I am holding a friend's baby, that's when it kicks in. Oh, yeah, you can't do it. It's like holding a stocking full of bird eggs. You just don't want to do it. Yeah.

And it's real as how babies are pretty much stocking full of bird eggs. They're built like, yeah, they're delicate creatures. And you can just push them through their skull. Yeah. Yeah, with a lot of these hovers. How did I just crack? How did I find out about them?

The hard way. The hard way. Yeah, that's how correct Davis have you considered have you considered using these powers for good if you find say an evil baby yes if you find an evil baby I mean if I was if I was let us let us assume I am traversing a path not unlike the path that I was travers let us assume I am traversing a path, not unlike the path that I was traversing when I met the Brown Wizard. And I was set upon by a band of,

well, not highway men, but highway tots, then I could spring into action, and smite them, mightily. I mean, times were tough. What are the parts of it? What are the odds? And if you are beset by highway men, only defense is going do any of you have babies You'd like to throw at me. Well well Craig like you know like like two people meeting on narrow path

Let's maybe use some lateral thinking and Build a ladder build and climb over them and climb over them. I like your thinking what, like if you only have the strength when holding a small baby, could you hold a baby and use like your other arm or hand strength to do for strength? Yes, well, carry a baby into a battle. That is, let me tell you how we do that. You'll have to use your imagination. Imagine that you are holding the baby with your left hand.

Sure. And the head of the child is tucked into the palm of your hand. And the back of the child is on your forearm. It's buttock nestled lovingly against the crook of your elbow. And your elbow is tucked back. And your other hand is jutting forward, palm up. That is the great troll heisman. That is the great troll, Heisman. That is the position that he has.

And that is how we fight. But what it does, it's a terrible thing because you find yourself saying things like, just time to go into battle, get me a baby. Yeah. And nobody wants that. The women folk tend to flee. And you want to be careful, you don't want to fumble that baby. You don't want to flee. And you wanna be careful, you don't wanna fumble that baby.

You don't wanna fumble and you don't wanna be like, okay, great, round up the babies and let's get out of here. Yeah. And when you're done, when you win, you don't, we wanna be careful not to just spike the babies. And yeah, and that is very true. We don't wanna spike the babies. And troll babies are, they could be cuter. Sure, just gonna say that.

Sure. I mean, they're my own flesh and blood, but let's be honest, it looks like it. We look like toes. You do. I don't even look like toes. Yeah. I own it.

I own it. We're all thinking it. And I was, you know, I was, usually, I am granted the power of invisibility, but only during mating season. So again, I feel like I might have that power. Yeah, it's true. It would be akin to walking around a sorority party,

wearing a t-shirt tucked into cargo shorts. It's just no one sees you, no one sees you. You don't exist. Craig, I feel like I've learned thing, I feel like I'm learning earth lessons. In this moment, I wish I had known before. We have, we have, we don't have a specific deity, but there are items that have been created that we hold in high esteem.

Oh. And cargo shorts are famous for being shorts with the pockets of long pants. That they manage to put the amount of pocketry that you would normally have on long trousers onto shorts. Yeah. You can't get up early enough to fill those pockets. That's a reason. Craig, you mentioned maybe. Or you could fill them with mischief.

And that's the first of my self-published erotic novels. Oh, pockets full of mischief. You're right by that. We're gonna take a quick break. But after the break, I, first of all, I want to know a little bit more about troll mating season, which might also dovetail with. I would love to hear a, you read a little bit from one of your erotic novels.

You don't- you don't have to put a sword to my back to get me to read from my erotic fiction. All right, well we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be back with the erotic fiction of the Craig Davis. So Craig, I'm so excited, you know, I'm sort of a little bit of an aspiring writer back on my world. So I'm excited when I meet a writer on Foon. Would you mind reading a little bit of one of your erotic novels? I ideally pockets full of mischief. Well, this is a pocket I could, I, I, I happen to have brought something. Wow. You know he brought it because you can hear the paper. Yeah.

You should really be more gentle with your, excuse me. Let me, let me, let me give a fuck about that. Let me move these crystal goblets. You know there's really crystal goblets, as you can hear the paper. Pile of tambourines. There, there, now. Pog is full of mischief.

He's about a young troll who's... He needs to go from one corner of Foon to the other. As you know, a journey of many days. Yeah. So what he does, quite cleverly, is he has these shorts that he's purchased with many pockets. And every time he goes into the pocket, he finds something. Yeah.

And in this case, he finds a small dagger. What he does is there's a flying dragon, and in its sleep, he has a very smart idea. He's going to cut the dragon open climb inside the dragon and then just basically hide inside the dragon Is it flies across oh wow can I ask you something if this reveals the writing processor if this you know I don't want to undo the mystery of your of your project But is the pockets the curious things in is that representative of vagina? And then the small life is that representative of a tiny penis? And cutting open the dragon and crawling inside

is that representative of another vagina? In a word no. The pockets represent to me holding bags on pants. And the dagger is a small pointed instrument that you used to cut. Oh, I never would have thought of that. Okay. There's a lot of hanky-panky,

but I don't use symbolism. I go right to the cool cuts. That's what we used to say. But I like where your mind goes. Thank you. Long story short, which is the name of another book I wrote. When he goes to cut the dragon open, he sees the dragon's already cut,

and he climbs inside the dragon, and there are seats inside, and there are many other trolls already sitting there, waiting to be flown across, and this is something that's been happening for a long time. We had no idea. Wow. So he sits down across from a lovely troll but it's a troll he doesn't know. Yeah. The dragon takes off and is flying across food and gets tired suddenly rests on top of a mountain top. It goes dark. So now there's stuck in the dragon, lights out, not going anywhere, nobody knows each other. And this woman troll is afraid, and she

comes and sits next to it. And the fingers touch. Here we go. And what I have written here is an old, it's actually an expression from your dimension. Oh. An electric jolt shot through Steve's body. Near touch of her. Her fingers, he could see the seven bosoms heaving delicately underneath her jerkin.

And here's the expression yeah, and and the next thing you know old Jets of millionaire And and that's an expression from your dimension Yeah, that is from you explain that believe it's from your Bible. Yeah Hey, I you've talked about the Bible before it was like a carpenter wrote a book or something. Yeah. No. Well, yes. Oh boy. There are many. There are many. For what I say, there are many Bibles and Jesus was a character, a fictional character in a blue suit with a red cape and he flew around. Yeah. He was surrounded by the disciples. flew around and he was surrounded by the disciples, Jed, Granny, Ellie May, Jethro, Mr. Drysdale, Mr. Drysdale, and Mr. Drysdale, I know Mr.

Drysdale, Mr. Drysdale, and Miss Hathaway, Miss Hamas, James, and they got in trouble with the Romans, so in the Romans said Jed, move away from there, indeed, so they moved to Beverly, right, they said California is the place they'd ought to be. Yes. So they loaded up their vehicle and they moved to Beverly. Yeah. It's an old, it's an old biblical story.

Long, long passed out to trolls that have been in your dimension. In the earth and dimension, you'll note that there are people who occupy jobs and you never ever see them anytime. Like when you go into a store at four in the morning, there's a person there that works there, but you never see that person ever, any place else. Those are trolls.

Oh, they're only doing those. On earth? Yeah, they're just, holy cow. We do the jobs that no one else wants. I see. That's's yeah, so if you happen to catch a glimpse of one of these people and you go That guy looks like a toe. Yes, probably a troll What do you tell a lot about someone by the way they treat the troll? It is you know a waiter and a troll. It's if how they interact with those two types the troll motto is

Kiss down punch up. Yeah, that's sure. Yeah, that's also the title of one of your other erotic. And then I have a book I'm working on now is a troll that is betrothed to a normal sized woman. And it's called Tota Toa is noses in it and knows to noses toa's in it. Early rolls off the tongue. Yeah, that took me a while. And with the money that I make, I'm hoping to go to the brown wizard nose to nose is tozes in it. Early rolls off the tongue. Yeah.

That took me a while. And with the money that I make, I'm hoping to go to the brown wizard and have him either refine my powers to four or five that are of some use or get rid of everything. I'd rather have none of the powers total, do you think you have? 13. And right out of the gate, you know, it's not going to be good. There's 13 of be good Yeah, yeah, it's about the sort of vision you can you can see through things, but it's only your parents Oh, they're parents clothing which you don't which you don't imagine a small sack

filled with walnuts Growning with walnuts and it loves you But it also makes you nauseous sure that that that's every holiday. That's every holiday. Yeah, oh Growning with walnuts. That's such a that's such a Growning with walnuts is also the name of a self-help book to It's it's how to purge yourself of past grief while preparing a Waldorf salad. Wow. Wow. You should be on getting that's it at some point. Can I am? Are your parents aware that you can see through? No, God no, no, but they do know that starting a year ago every time I come over I can't stop puking. Yeah, that's fair because I feel like if I knew if I knew my kids could see through my clothing, I mean I don't really wear any clothing, but I would like to start to work out or something like I try and keep

tight. I have to say this, I mean I know I'm a troll and we're starting from a deficit. I understand that, I know who I am, but still as time goes on what happens to the troll body is really horrible. The best looking older troll, the best one you can find. Yeah. Hamish the grunt. Let's just pull a name out of thin air. Hamish the grunt. Okay, best looking troll we've ever had in his elderly period.

Yeah. He looked like a great warrior reflected in a puddle. You know, you're just not gonna get. It's all wrong from every angle. It's a diamond of bad. Yeah. And so even to trolls, like trolls, you're not sort of like, well, you know, we look ugly to other species, but to ourselves, we're really into it.

Not so much, like trolls don't even find other trolls that attractive. No, we know, we know. This is my impression of a male troll in rutting. Okay. Meeting a... Well, it would be rutting season and he would be in felt. Oh, I see. And he would meet a female troll at a tavern.

Yeah. And their conversation would go like this. That's... Oh, yeah. There's no joy in mudville. Yeah. Now, I yeah, there's no joy and there's no joy in mudville. Yeah. Yeah. Now it's I see that there are many asymmetrical features to a troll that are not attractive, but thanks. Thanks in pointing that out. It's more it's more of a texture thing for me all interesting to tell the textures what throws me off because they can sort of

Scaly and rough and rocky. It's like trying the yogurt kind of thing. Yes exactly. Like yogurt with pistachios and then been left out in the sun. Oh yeah, we're older, older trolls. The elbow skin on an old troll. Yeah. You could like, you could like a match on that stuff. Yeah.

Things down like a nut sack. Things down like a nut sack. You don't want it. So here's my question. A leathery, leathery nut sack. Leathery nut sack, by the way, is the name of the band that played at our wedding. Oh, that's great. Oh, you're right. Oh, yes, no, I was sure. How is Mrs. Davis? How how have your powers?

How have your powers affected your marriage? Not well. Oh, not well. But she's, she's my your marriage. Not well. Oh. Not well. But she's my better half. You know, she's my better half. And every person who's ever been married, at one time or another, asks themself the same question. Sure I'm married. So you can attest to this.

You ask yourself, do I jump off the roof and hope for the best? Or do I sit here, shout out, and try to fade into the woodwork? And that's the gift of flight or invisibility. And those are two powers that I have, but not the way I want. And that's the typical example of power.

It always comes back to buy you. I can run incredibly fast, but only into a fire. What's the point? No, no. Yeah, again. And I, by the way, but only into a fire. What's the point? Oh no. Yeah, again. And I, by the way, without a choice, if I see a fire, you have a huge, I will run into it. Yeah, because I was wondering how he's like.

I imagine you just, imagine you discovering it, being like, I'm going to run at this fire, but you know, I'm gonna need it. No, I'm gonna need it. I'm gonna need it. So I will have total control over this and then you realizing you have super speed. No, what happens is I see a fire

and then without me having any say over what happens, my body will as, it's an old, old, old troll expression. Kick out the jams. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think, what was it? Did this to you on purpose? Oh no, this was a spiteful this was this was a spiteful move

This was this was a spiteful move and I knew he was I I knew he was casting a spell I knew I was going to be bad and you know how I knew he was going to be a he has a tell He has a tell then in the middle of his spell if he stops and goes It's he's not in a good place. Yeah, and that's gonna reflect on you. It seems like I haven't actually met Blorth yet But from everything I hear he just you like he's very like depressed like something awful happens I think he hates I think he I think he hates himself. Yeah, self-loathing for sure. Yes That's all that all tracks. He's a very Self-deprecating and self-loathe some wizard. It's a very sad case

self-deprecating and self-loathe some wizard. It's a very sad case. He was created much as I was. The way I was created by conspiracy of birds and wind and fire and air that did wish to protect Foon from the Dark Lord who said, yeah, let usodore step forth. Loth was made in a similar way, but he has no purpose. I have a purpose. A purpose with great intent and portent and I must defeat that dark lord. Bloth's just sort of kicking around. If you know Bloth, can I throw something at you here? Can I just blue sky? Yeah. Do you mind? I'm just before I speak, do you mind if I just pull a piece of this delicious bread? Because I'm slightly pleased. please have some bread thank you delicious

if you don't have a purpose you need to find a purpose exactly so the next time you see Blorf I want you to do this you're gonna you're gonna point to him but first you're gonna snap your fingers in point to him you're gonna go and that's gonna get his attention and you're gonna go you needle point and I bet the next thing he'll he'll wake up in the morning and you will have a framed piece of art

Probably a bird I love birds or a shell. Oh, I like shells shells a shell may have some pearly hue Oh, and that could set him on the road to righteousness and then maybe we could undo all of this because it's I I I'm grateful for what I have but I have everything everything I want, but not the way I want it. The correct Davis, this I promise you. When I see Blorth again, I shall do this. I shall give him a great purpose, and we shall set your life straight. That's how it, that would be great for me.

And in exchange, I offer you the only thing I can give you with my skills, I will write a bespoke erotic novel for you Just tell me the scenario and the characters and The next thing you know your blankets will move like a herd of oxen Well, I already know what I would like you to write so you can be nudily non this while I complete this task This set before me interesting choice of words go ahead. Yes I want the main character's to be you Siddore Mm-hmm the wizard. Oh, that's easy. That's me. Mm-hmm. And then of course Genelevia the red my good lady love dirty boy

Always with the red wizards. Yeah, such a thing for red Genelevia. Yeah, yeah, I really enjoyed Craig. I gotta say I really enjoyed this. Well you know, I will say this from what I hear of the red wizards are all crazy. I mean, for my experience, all the wizards are crazy. Yeah, but the reds are you. The reds are really. Have you ever dated a red wizard? No.

Kuku. Something something for Coco Pups. Oh, that's what we would say. Oh, what, you know, what types of other things have you dated? You know, and I don't want to tell tales out of school. Obviously you're a married man. I'm a married man, but look I was Before I had these powers. I was a young troll and life happened to me. Yeah, I was in a band. Yeah. Oh, yeah So sure so even a troll on a band can even a troll in a band is pulling down numbers that he really shouldn't yeah Exactly so like how it's like how is that how does that troll with that wizard. Yeah, exactly. So like how, it's like, how is that,

how is that troll with that wizard? Oh, he's in a band. Yeah, he's in a band. Yeah, exactly. How is it, is that a unicorn? You bet it is, but they had lined, oh. Oh, what, what are you playing the band? I played a, I played the, a jug where I would take one jug and I would hit it against another jug.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Like, what did that sound like? Juck, juck. Oh, juck, juck. Oh, there's a jug on the table here. Let me try and play it. Oh, very good. Did I do that right? It's a very, very good jug. Excuse me, I got a sneeze. Huh, huh, huh.

Oh, thank you. Oh, bless you. Very good. Good job. Excuse me, I'm going to sneeze. Huh? Huh? Huh! Oh, thank you. Oh bless you. Well, Craig, thank you so much for stopping by for a million minutes while you are right. He's being diseased, floating off the ground. I broke my neck. He was flying four feet off the ground.

Oh, this has been a delight. Well, it's been great to learn about you. You know, it seems like you're going through a lot of stuff, but there's a lot of good stuff in your life too. Again, I have the best version of a great situation or the best version of the worst situation I can't decide. I really enjoy how you said you have it all but not the way you want it. I have it all but not the way I want it.

There's this guy who was locked inside the Great Halls of Trockus and he had all the books of the world around him and he stepped on his glasses. Yeah. It's like there's this guy who who was locked inside the great halls of Trockis and he had all the books of the world around him and he stepped on his glasses Yeah, it's like there's books. Yeah, I do I that is an ancient story that we know and his his last words were time enough at last And then for some reason his last words were His guys are wrecking machine and no one knows why he said that So it's what is it tails old? Yeah, well that reminds of Burgess of Meredith that reminds me I heard a fail from the world food about a cannibal chef that was so excited He got a book called to serve man and then was really disappointed to learn that was actually wisdom from a space man about how to make

This world better. Oh, wow interesting. It's all and I can tell you firsthand. It's all in the basting. Yeah, yeah, oh really Yeah, you need you need to you need to seal in the juicence. Yeah, have you ever so you've eaten like human I'm not a vegetarian. I'll eat yeah You're not human. Yeah, it doesn't bother me. Yeah. And people like, I don't understand. So some of the fiendies, do you believe vegetarian? And they will say to me, like I would enjoy a unicorn flank.

Sure. An ice unicorn flank and some meat on a Sunday. You can't do any better than that. And they will go, but you don't want to watch them kill the unicorn to make the flank and they go, no, I don't. I love my brother, I don't want to watch my parents rot. And yet I must because of the brown.

So it's, again, it all comes back. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Life is like a cronut. That's the old expression. That just keeps coming around. Life is like a donut with a little bit of nuts on it. Yeah, life is a mystery to think that I know the word. I would think it would be a donut with cranberries,

and hence the term, Oh! In the way that, in the way that, uh, crazons, uh, ranberries and crazons, and the remains of a burnt-up animal are called remains. Whoa. Hmm. I thought crazons were just crazy raisins. Ah!

Ha! Uh, this is a good time for me to read an email. People can always email us here at the podcast at Magic Tavern at puppies that supplies that's a really email address, believe it or not. Here's one we got recently from Scotland. High-tune, use-it-door, and Arnold, it's Arning. That's actually written out in the email, not for me. Just like to say thank you for ruining my brain. Oh, the thank you's in quotation marks.

Just like to say thank you for ruining my brain. Every time I go on a date with my girlfriend, I now have to say date night in a very chunt-like voice. The same with game night, break time, lunch time, dinner time, the list goes on. Those aren't nice. I don't think you have to do that. I think the fact that we used to all the time, and I kind of misdoing it, we would sometimes

be like, boys night and boys night. Boys night. It's caught on with people, and they just like, saying it and changing it up a little bit. Yeah, but have to. I mean, have to says the wizard who always says his full name. How dare you. Of course, I must speak the name in full. It is part of who I am.

I have to do it. Have to? Have to. Anyway, Colin Weinzman, he says, anyway, keep up the good work, letting us all know about Finn. I get it. It's fun to kind of say, and we do it ourselves. We find different nights or times.

I bet if you're at work, it's fun to go. Break time, break time. Break time. Oh shit. Oh shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. I bet if you're at work. It's fun to go break time break time Break time oh shit. Oh shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. I knocked over this candle. Oh, there's a fire growing. Oh Such a there's such a fire. Wait. How big does a fire Craig have to be before you're Craig oh my god are you all right? No no no no okay I'm not in question what part of feed on fire is okay, sorry, I'm pale fire and be a There's enough water I put out the fire

Not without break Sometimes I Oh my gosh, sometimes I sometimes Somehow be okay. Go on with it. Oh, his biscuits are burning. No, I smell I smell bacon never mind Sometimes I feel like I was cursed with the power to Whenever there's the really stupid question I run directly into it and have to ask it Well, well Craig, I hope you're doing all right. I got to say you don't look anymore Trust me. I'm screaming on the inside. Yeah.

That is also a book. It's going on. It's going on the inside. It's going on the inside. It's going on the inside. It's a good way by Craig Davis. Yes, I'm laughing on the outside. I'm crying on the outside, screaming on the inside

because I like to hide my, I like to masquerade my rage with sadness. I'd read that book. How well do your books sound? So? Oh. Well, well, a tight 40 for once. More guests that don't let the regulars interrupt, please.

Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Shunt the Badger was played by Adolf Refy. Keep trying to make a little squishing in a thing, champ. Craig Davis, the troll, was played by special guest Dana Gould. Dana is the creator of the IFC show Stan Against Evil, and he has a new stand-up album, Mr. Funnyman, available on iTunes and Amazon. Not to mention his work on The Simpsons, The Ben Stiller Show, and other pillars of comedy

that make his presence here even more puzzling. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Ryan to Georgie, and Evan Jacover. This episode edited by Ryan to Georgie, and much of the in-studio fully work produced by Dana Gould, while Matt and Adel looked on Slackjord. And it looks like my Craig robot is coming back online to take the part of the credits that try my patience. logo by Allard Lebon, additional audio effects, facts, facts by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz.

Craig, I have to say it's good to have you back. Well, thank you, Mr. Clemens, it's a pleasure to have you aboard. What's this now? All the passengers or buss talking about this James Buchanan, but I don't go in much for politics. I'd just focus on being a steamboat captain. Steamboat captain, I must have imported the wrong memory profile. Did I learn nothing from Toy Story 3? Well, I can't rectify this now, so we'll just have to let the comic

ramifications play out for a few episodes. All aboard, man! We'll leave in Cincinnati. And while we're at it, don't you forget to check out some new merch available on hellofromthemagictavern.com, brothers, magnets and t-shirts and all sorts of fun goings on. Also visit us on Facebook, Twitter. Thanks to the Chicago podcast, go up and the good-fine folks at Earwolf. Leads Mending Opposites! You