Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 37 - Crone (w/ Janet Varney)

Episode Date: November 27, 2017

We’re joined by a withered old crone that makes delicious baked goods and steals water.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungCrone Bakeress: Janet VarneyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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They just released a new skill for the Echo Smart Speaker called Daily EarWolf. You can ask Alexa to play the funniest moments from your favorite EarWolf shows, while she slowly learns what would be needed to defeat you. And there's even a special interactive hello from the Magic Tavern episode, designed just for echo, called Magic Tavern Adventure. Finally, you can make choices that affect the episode, like which guests to have on, whether they should make less puns or lose another handful of viewers. It's a vast, sprawling episode with multiple dramatically different endings, lots of surprises,

and an unexpected amount of destruction and death. Download Magic Tavern Adventure and Daily Earwolf from the Amazon's Skill Store, and remember you can play any Earwolf podcast right from your Echo. And now, who's ready for some whatever's about to happen? Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arne and you camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About two and a half and more years ago I fell through a dimensional

rift behind a Burger King into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast I record every week here in the tavern the Vermilion Minotaur and the newly freed town of Hogsface in the land of Phoon. And I'm joined as always by my co-hosts and my buddies, Yusudor the Wizard. I am Yusudor, Wizard of the 12th realm of a fesious master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Turokus, the elves nomias Fyingurokos, the elves

nomi is fying yalak, the dwarves nomi is zunnin' in hook stangeries, and I am known in the north east as guests, who I need in a maestar, and there may be other secret names you do not know, and pray to yourself, think, dream to the goddesses that you pray to airy night, that these names do not accidentally find themselves written on a piece of paper before you, or if you were to speak when allowed, your very tongue would catch on fire. Is there a thing called a think dream? Uh-huh. What? How does that like a dream where you're thinking?

When you go to bed at night, if you really want to control your dreams, we call it think dream. Oh. So you're focused and you decide I'm going to be in control of this dream. This dream doesn't control me. Yeah. Because I don't want to be controlled by my dreams anymore. I used to know. I don't think we've ever really talked that much about the kind of dreams you have. Can you imagine a wizard's dream? Oh. And what sort of insane machinations may come out of such a... disparate, unwieldy time, yay! For the magics that do swirl about in my head and my body do coalesce within my dreams and bring forth such great evils that could destroy all of food.

You know, Yucidore, if I'm remembering correctly, once we did jump into your dreams and it was just a little petulant you said our baby's saying, I'm better than Spin-Tex. I'm better than Spin-Tex. No, no, no, I don't think that. I think you might be wrong.

It was not overwhelming in anyone. It might have been someone else's dream who was dreaming about being. Who would dream that? Maybe Spin-Tex, you know, maybe. Maybe, that's fair, I bet he's had that dream. No question, but still another wizard dream. I'm really obsessed with this wizard dream.

You know what, all your dreams exactly the same. You know what, I kind of have boring dreams, believe it or not. That is shocking to me. In case you don't realize there's a thing on Fune called sarcasm. Yeah, I'm also joined. I'm also joined by my other co-host, uh, John the Talking Badger slash sheep shifter. Hmm, but yeah. What is this a new catchphrase working on? Just saying but yeah, but yeah, you know, the few episodes ago used to be said, but yay yay Yeah, just thought that was a very nice

kind of fun to say but yeah You want to check in on me see how I'm doing? Yeah, I thought for a second we had finished and this was the final episode Really nice to end yeah, you're really on your heels. Yeah, I don't know really hosting on your heels Yeah, I guess maybe lean forward a little bit lean in okay, I All right, so this is my other No, those chants. Oh, and this is my other cause you say how you doing bud? How you doing bud? I'm doing good What do I do after that usually say like what's going on? What's going on? Maybe a little higher inflection? What's going on? There you go. That's it. You're back, baby. Oh, thank you

And then and then I will say what's going on? I'll answer the question. So yeah, Chuchu's channel, like I said, is going well. We have a new item on the menu. So, Joch Jam, from your experience, how would I respond to the revelation that you're gonna be talking about Chuchu's channel? You would be like, oh, great. Oh, great. And like a real sarcastic way.

Oh, great. So I'm not currently working at Chuchu's channel because I'm too busy trying to keep everything working here in Hogsface. But we're now that we're in charge of the town there's so much work to do. But I'm very curious I would like to come back and try some of the food. What are some of you real favorite new dishes? Well as I mentioned 45 seconds ago we now have jock jams. What are jock jams?

It's a jam that's made, it's a jocular jam. It's there's a spell been put inside the jam, makes very jocular very good hemered very good natured Oh that sounds good. Oh, this is when you would make some sort of pithy retort. Oh, yeah Sounds grooves You're right, John. Sun's going on. I feel like I need Just feel like I'm gonna need your help this episode. I, I don't know, I think it's this episode. I think it's that everything is so different. Like I think I'm still sort of spinning.

Like it's positive that the dark lord has left Hog's face and there's a momentary truce between the forces of good and evil until we can maybe defeat the void. But I don't know what's just so much change so fast. I mean, John, I think I might need you to see or know to Berger act me through this episode. All right, I'll go hide in the bushes. Okay, you hide all bushes inside the tavern.

I'll go hide in the bushes. Get some bushes from outside, bring them in. Hide, hide, hide. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What's see or know to Berger? Oh, you're in luck because you just randomly were very close to being correct. Basically, he's a fictional character from my world who would

help a really handsome man tall. Oh, then I can't do that. Well, look, I'm hand, that doesn't map onto the differences. I'm Earth Handsome. I'm Earth Handsome, let's say. You said you look like David Beckham, and I looked at pictures of him and you do not look like David Beckham. First of all, of him and you do not look like they first of all I didn't say that I just agreed But look

John all you need to know is you hide in the bushes and you you feed me lines of things Oh, we have that on food. We call it Roxanne. Oh, Roxanne. Okay, sure. Oh, yeah There's a woman Roxanne who does that. Oh really? Yeah, just say Roxanne next time. Okay, great Have I ever met Roxanne? She has a real big nose. Have you seen her? That's not her. I mean that's not her. That's not how I wanted to scriber, but you know, you did. That is how you did to scriber. She used to keep a red light out in front of her house, but I told her to shut it off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Roxanne just turn it off. Turn off the red light. And then the police gutter. So, John, how would I segue into our, having our guests on the show?

You would say, oh, but I'm being rude. I need to introduce our first guest. Oh, and that's right. I should be kind of almost as the fight. You should be apologetic. Yeah, you should be like, oh, I'm apologetic. You're self-fledulating. All right, great. Oh, I'm so sorry. I right, great, cool. Great. Oh, I'm so sorry, I forgot. I've been so rude. We've got so busy talking about other things.

I'm very excited about our guest. We've never had a crone on the podcast before. So I'm very excited to talk to this withered old crone with a group of gums to show. Thank you, boys. Thank you so much. I must say, you are an entirely dysfunctional group. Yes. I Yes, we are. Yeah. Oh please. So you're a crone. Oh yes, yes, yes, my name in fact is Crone. Oh

your name is Crone. Oh yes, yes, I'm just a stereotypical crow in a good way. Oh sure. All the good stereotypes. Yeah, only the best. I'm not only the best stereotypes. Yeah. Croned Bakrists. That's me. Croned Bakrists. Croned Bakrists. That's your name?

Mm-hmm. And what do you do? I'm a Bakrist. Oh! Oh! Oh, God. Did you try it till like myself? Did your parents know that this would be the path you

have put on that they give you this name? Oh no, no! As you probably know, Crohn's are born without names, and they go by, hey you, until they're fully grown adults and have a selected job, a calling. And when you realize what you're calling is, you may then take the first name of Crohn, which gets very confusing,

and then attach a last name that reflects what you do, what your trade is. Wonderful, wonderful. That's like, I knew a fortune teller named Self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't find that funny. I feel like you're making fun of the Crone community. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't put my foot in my mouth. That's Arnie's job. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm supposed to put my foot in my mouth. No, you're supposed to. Like when you introduce a guest and you said we have a crone here, she's old and withered. Yeah, yeah, that's my job.

Can I ask you something? Am I supposed to be listening to you in the bushes as well as you who looks like David Beckham, or should I not listen to you and only listen to Beckham because you're talking for him. I identified it puzzling. Arnie, say, there is no badger behind the bushes. There's no badger behind the bushes. Okay, well-

He's a shapeshifter. I guess if there's no badger, he won't get a taste of one of my little wizard dreams cookies that I've brought by. I bake them with chuchoos, delicious jock jam. The gentleman came over and brought us some jam. It's we'd like to bake these to some of your good We said of course we would. Oh wow Chant chant come out of the bushes for a moment. Oh hello for the first time. Hello. Oh It's you. Did you like my jock jams? They're wonderful. Please take a wizard dream. Oh, oh Oh, my oh

Chef chefy kiss me. Would you like some use adorable? What did I say? What did I say? Is that not his name? It is not. The crowns know him as use adorable. Oh, this the jam works so well in here. Do you feel better? I might make a volume two of these jocular jams.

Now, why don't you feel? I'm sorry, making more of these, I might make a volume too of these jocular jams. Now, why wouldn't you hire Cron Bakery's to work at Chuchu's Child? That would be all manner of delicious baked goods. Well, I, I'm very busy at my old bakery. Oh, you had your own bakery. Oh, you had your own bakery. I just shut up shop or right across the street from Chuchu's Child. Have you never noticed the bakery? I, I've been very busy trying to defeat the void.

Uh, what, what's your bakery's name? Cron Bakery's is a bakery? Oh, been very busy trying to defeat the void. What is your bakery's name? Cronemakers is a bakery? Oh, is that the old one? Are you making fun of crones? No, never. We're a literal group. Yeah, you know what? These cookies are very good.

Now, those are free. Those are on the house, as they say. But if you want to come in, we do have some wonderful baked goods for sale. We have, well, we have some of the most famous scones in all the food. Scones? Wonderful, wonderful, buttery. The secret for us is we use heavy clotted cream and we use dried fruit instead of fresh fruit because it actually plumps up, it becomes more succulent and juicy. It just seems intethnicant to what you would expect, but this is exactly how to make a good scrooad. Wow.

Now this might not be the correct way to do this, but I don't care. Would you like to do an ad for your bakery right now? Because I don't care if Arnold gets paid or I don't understand how our ads work, so I'm allowing you to promote your bakery right now. Well normally I'd say no, but you know these cookies are so good and I resisted eating them because I'm creeped out by by jock jam. It sounds like a metaphor for smegma and I did not want to have that,

but these cookies taste good. Do you know what a metaphor is? I would have said it sounds about like a fungal situation, but I understand. Yeah. Also I'm concerned that you don't know what a metaphor is. situation, but I understand. Yeah, oh yeah. Also, I'm concerned that you don't know what a metaphor is. Yeah. You think this is a metaphor for joctame? You're probably right. Also, please don't make fun of the metaphor community.

They are diegrace. Yes, exactly. Many of their horns are cut off and sold to a manufacturer. Are you thinking of a euphemism? Oh, maybe, maybe. Is a metaphor like a euphemism? I need you in this bush. This is when you would stand your ground even though you're wrong.

Oh. Okay, and take yourself deeper. No, I'm pretty sure it's a metaphor. It's a metaphor on Earth. People on Earth know it's a metaphor. And say that they're loving it. Say that people on Earth are loving it. Thank you, John.

They're all cosalping me. But yeah, as I was saying, these cookies are so good, and maybe it's just like the crone, the crones are so good at making cookies in a way that other creatures like elves and dwarves aren't good at making cookies. Good, I tell you something. It's the water.

It's the water. It's the water. We also make wonderful pizza. Oh, yes, people are talking about it far and wide. The Crohn's have a special kind of water. Something happens when we steal it from other people. I don't know if it becomes enchanted in some way. We already do is just to see water from other people,

but it just tastes better when it's not yours. Wow, I guess so. You steal water? Has anyone ever tried to stop you from stealing their water? No, no. We're very sneaky. It's so weird. I guess it's not it seems like a weird thing to steal but That's the first time you are quite wise. Thank you Now isn't appropriated at the time for me to do bike commercial Yeah, that was such a good idea. Yeah, absolutely. That was such a big, yes. Yeah, absolutely.

You know, Mundo, why don't you go ahead and play the sponsor music? And we'll hear a cronat. Cronat? That sounds like a big one. Do it. We do so cronat. And they are bulls-coonats. Dean Fried.

Delicious. Normally, I would not. I want to eat that because it sounds like a metaphor for a Rocky Mountain oyster, but... That's meaningless to me. And yes, I'm glad you don't find myself tickled as I do with many things you say. Yeah, people on earth know 100% what I'm talking about. All mountains are rocky. That's a stupid name.

What about mountains of sand? Oh, I was wrong. Well, let's hear the ad. Okay. Uh, I haven't prepared anything, so this will be a bit clunky, clunky. Uh, hello! Fatoube was a food?

Do you like to get a sugar high, then crash, become a miserable person to be around? Everyone you know that I have a big cross-cer grocery for you. Come on down to roadmakers' bakery where you will find me. If you're wondering and worrying about why I'm wearing so many robes, I can tell you that they are fire repellent robes. What makes art makes good so delicious is we have to walk right into the fire with the bait goods. We hold them in our hands while they're baking. keeping ourselves safe from the fire.

And that's what makes them taste so wonderful, where the only community willing to go to those lakes for you. So come on down and enjoy some of our wizard dreams, some of our cronesons, some of our cronies. And as I mentioned before, some of our world famous and food famous as if those two are the same things, scrolls. I'll be waiting for you! Ha ha ha ha!

You should feel welcome, even though that was scary. Wonderful! That was fantastic! I've got to say, that was great. Is it, I have one note, if you don't mind. Oh, it's great. It was great, it was very inviting. It made me want to go eat all of those things,

the cookies, the cronuts, all of those things. At the end, you laughed in a way that was a little unsettling and made me worry that maybe I was being lured into some kind of trap. Oh, I don't. My laugh of delight at the end, you can. Yeah, it's the good. What if I laugh at a different point at the end?

Uh... Or there are two separate laughs? Maybe I'm thinking with the wrong laugh. Is it laughs or laughs? I don't know what the plural is. Uh, it... L... L...

L... How many laughs were there? Hey, laughs! It... It was a laugh of delight. But it also seemed like... You were delighted at something you knew that no one else knew. There just seems something ominous about it. Maybe it's just me. Maybe everyone else is...

Let me put it this way, it's a bit better. If I were a character at a book you were reading, would the person writing the book let the reader in on the person's laugh as to what it meant or is it more of a is it omniscient? Is it an omniscient deraussian? Or is it, you still a third person, like the deraider doesn't know if the croak's laughing at something or not. Oh, I think if it was in a book,

it would be second person, where it was the book telling the reader to laugh. You're laughing right now. Oh, am I? Oh, am I? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha to laugh. You're laughing right now. Oh wait a minute. You're right. I'm realizing this episode that maybe I didn't pay enough attention in English class. Probably not. All I'm saying is it just sort of seemed a little, dare I say, like a little bit of a wicked laugh.

Oh I apologize. That for me is probably just a bit of a wicked laugh. Oh, I apologize. That, for me, is probably just a reflection of the chrome community. Again, many of us are wicked. Many of us are not. But I do feel that the wicked ones give our universal laughter a bad name. Oh, you know what? That's probably true.

You know, you meet one chrome that has a wicked laugh and you think, you think we're all cronies? That's true. But we're not. We just know each other. Yeah. That doesn't're all cronies. That's true. But we're not. We're just we just know each other. Yeah. But that doesn't mean we could sit ourselves colleagues. What is the Crone community like? Is it just like a town where everybody's old crones? Just a dry town full of stolen water. Oh wow. We live in boats on a stolen lake. Oh you all live on boats? Oh yes. It's gotta be. We live on three boats.

Three boats? That's right. In the middle of the lake. Mm-hmm. And then if you- When you're going to say that's gotta be fun in the summer. Actually, I should have said that. Chad, would you get out of the bushes, please?

Oh, sorry. Could you- I'll go in the bushes. Yeah. Would you mind searing a diversion would you? I'll go in the bushes. Yeah. Would you mind Sierra no diverging this one for me? It's Chuck's back. Oh, I'm sorry, Laxanning.

Interesting. Yeah. All right. That's got to be fun in the summer. It's fun in all seasons, Arnold. Yeah. Fun in all seasons. Arnie, yeah.

Yeah. Do you want me in your hand or do you want me with you said, or in the bush? Oh. Hey, Arnie, Arnie. Yeah. Here's the point where you would be confused about my reference. Do you want me in your hand or do you want me with you, Sridor, in the bush? Oh! Um, hey, Arnie, Arnie, yeah, here's the point where you would be confused about my reference. Oh, okay. Alright, gosh, I feel like that's such an obvious reference that I would definitely get it, but for some reason, I don't.

I wonder if this is some sort of band from the 90s and then I frustratingly reveal what it was. Do you want me in the hand or two in the bush? Oh, you know what? I'm right it was about a band in the 90s. I don't want you. Oh, I just found 13 stones. And yet your six pins knelt the richer. What is it? You said or hide in the bush and you hide in the bearded barley. Yeah, what is it? You said or hide in the bush and you hide in the bearded barley. Auto. Yeah, auto. That's good.

She despises evil. Oh, okay. Yeah. So, Cron Bakes, do you have a question for you? Do you despise evil? Hi, I question evil. I doubt evil. I feel concerned towards evil and for evil's welfare.

Oh. So you see evil and you're like, how you do an evil? Are you okay? I just want to check in. I just want to make sure there's usually a reason for evil. And I think if you know the reason, it suddenly becomes less evil and more of a nuisance. Yeah, that's like a good reason to be evil? Like, you meet someone and they're evil, and you're like, oh, it's probably because of this. I would say a bunion, because the very first thing that comes to mind, a sub-sort of a hunch, with some sort of blister.

Yeah. Those are the main reasons I feel the pigs are evil. Oh, yeah, ask Garif, just willing to join our quest to overcome evil, but using her delicious baked goods and she'll take up the fight to destroy everything evil that does stand in our way between saving all of the good people of food and letting evil reign. John, get in the bushes, you store out of the bush. Watch out! I said, I'm out of the bush!

Why? That's too much, you know I can't remember more than three words at a time. Oh, fine. Switch places. All right. So, Cron, face dress, you know what? We're going to take a break. We'll refresh our drinks.

What do you want? Just some, can I give you water? Or you just have to steal. No, given water, it's disgusting. Yeah, do you want something else to drink? I'll take an ale. An ale? All right. We'll refresh our drinks. else to drink? I'll take an ale. An ale? Alright, we'll refresh our drinks, I'll get to this crown and ale and we'll be right back.

Arnie, Arnie, the other time when you would say, and we're back. Oh, and we're back. And now you go into a question about the crown's appearance. So, crown, why do you look the way you do? I'm, what do you mean? Like just, you know, your appearance, why is it? And then you ask about if she has Crohn's disease.

Do you have Crohn's disease? I don't appreciate that, Roboc. I mean, I don't know. No, I just mean that like as a Crohn, like as an age-old Crohn, there are probably some sort of diseases that you have, and maybe they make it hard for you to poop. Hmm.

Now, it's time when you bring a poop. Oh, you get it. Now, crone. I got that one. Crone, I'm very sorry. Arnold is being very rude. I appreciate your apology. I was even going to comment on the fact. It is as much as I don't like to talk about people's appearances. I like to know them as people. Oh, thank you. I noticed that you have your hair that's sticking out from your robes. It's, you don't see any braids, dude?

It's a little bit, that's a bit, that's a bit. Yeah, braids, braids, straw. Braids, straw, that explains it. It's okay. Let's move on. It's very young, vibrant looking hair. Maybe if it's straw, I believe you, because the rest of you is so old, I mean,

like you have wrinkles that just look like long black, almost like grease paint lines just straight across the floor. Maybe by grease paint like a costume like a stage actor? No, I'm just saying that. Now's the time when you would laugh at your own joke. Oh boy, you know what? Maybe that one's not for everybody, but some people, that one really had to spot for them.

Well you have beautiful straw. What kind of conditioner do you use on your straw? Oh, huh. Well, I use a goat's bill. Everyone knows it. Oh, goat's bill. That's the best way to treat your straw. That's the way I was doing it. What? Is it? I don't know. I'm not- what's it else? That's a- a- unknown what? You've never met a self before.

Hello? Is it she? What? Sorry. I was pretending I was getting a call, so I could pretend like I wasn't listening to you anymore. Hello, and what? You've never mentioned that before. Hello, is this she? What? Sorry, I was pretending I was getting a call so I could pretend like I wasn't listening to you anymore. Get it? Getting her call? Hold on, I have to take this.

What? Hello? Oh, I'm sorry, this is a croissant. I thought it was a phone from a moment. Oh. Have you seen a phone before? I never met you before. Oh, I was mispronouncing food.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I will say that I've been you know I get an hour of time on your phone per day and I've been showing a few people your phone but I don't think I've shown the Corona I mean I've shown like yeah I feel like anyone I've been before I've been your phone Pimley Nimble bottom I've shown your phone Bradwin I've shown your phone too but I've never shown a phone okay well I'm a braid wind I've shown your phone to, but I've never shown a drone a phone. Okay, well I'm a regular listener, I mean I have a listener to your thing. And, uh...

Oh, the thing that checks out. Big fan. To. Big fan. And, you know, when I heard a rumor that the Dark Lord had arrived at some sort of truce with you all and fighting with no longer needed, I felt that I should bake some wizard's dreams and come congratulate you. If you all and fighting was no longer needed, I felt that I should bake some wizard's dreams and come congratulate you and just make sure

they're absolutely certain that it wasn't just a rumor and then in fact no more fighting is necessary. Just wanted to make sure, just cross that off the list. Sure, oh yeah, definitely. You know, we've come to a truth. There's a point in the show where you have a stroke. Oh. Oh.

Now, Crone, well Arne is having a stroke. Mm-hmm. What you don't understand is, uh, though there is a truce, it is only temperate. Once we defeat the void that is trying to encroach and take over the world, and we have ended our agreement with the Dark Lord, we shall have to band together a group of fighters, brave men and women and elves and dwarves,

and fight back against that dark lord. I raise our arms in unity against his evil, and we shall strike him down. This temporary truce is only our time to plan and prepare and to find the perfect way to strike him down once and for all. Listen, as inspiring of a speech as that was, much as if I were a young warrior with my face painted blue I would say you seem to have a very brave heart But I got a fan of fighting and furthermore and I am asking for a friend. I have a friend who Let's say hypothetically was a great warrior no longer wanted to be a warrior, in fact, what to do, do things like

make cookies? If that person or thing were interested in revealing themselves to be who they are, but it wouldn't in fact mean that they would eventually have to join again in the fighting. Would it be best for that person to remain anonymous and never come out and reveal that they're actually braid with the elf? I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean the head part the hood the hood. The hood. The hood look. I don't know I haven't read here no to Bergerac in a long time. It's possible. There's some of that in there It was written a long ago. I don't know what you two are mumbling about over there. I have to see what kind of conditioner

You use oh oh oh oh oh my Chrome you have the head of breed wind Okay, all right. Well, thanks a lot. Thanks a lot you said or I'm sorry Oh, Crone, you have the head of Bradwyn! Oh, okay. All right, well, thanks a lot. Thanks a lot, Yusudor. I'm sorry. Hi, guys. Bradwyn, the warrior elf!

Yeah, that's me. You've been turned into a crown. No, no, no, I just, you know, the last time I came and I was on your show thing, I realized that I revealed who I was, and I was supposed to be in hiding. So after I ran off, I had to create an elaborate disguise and a whole backstory, and even a voice to try to protect myself

from being called back to the front. That was a good voice. Yeah, brand new, you're really good doing voices. Ha ha ha ha ha. Thank you so much. Just talk to them about that laugh, though. Thank much. What's the point about that laugh though? Is that not your cron laugh? No, no, I never perfected my cron laugh.

I eventually decided to accept my own laugh as a cron laugh. Would you mind, I know it's not perfect and you're still working on it. Would you mind sharing what your cron laugh was that you're working on? Oh yeah, well this is embarrassing. Oh, this is a safe place. Okay, don't tell anyone I like that. Except for the fact that a lot of terrible things have happened.

It's true. I feel this feels like the exception to those times. Yeah, listen, all right. Tell me this is scary. Okay. It's upsetting. It is a little spooky. Is it?

Is it? Yeah. Well, maybe I should have been using it this whole time. I definitely want to make people more uncomfortable. The Crohn's are a blossom? Yeah. Okay, well, maybe I should have been using it this whole time. I definitely want to make people more uncomfortable. The Crohn's are a blossom. Yeah. You know, there definitely a different kind of community than the elf community.

And one of the most, if I might, one of the most surprising things about going undercover was really coming to understand a different group of people a little bit better. You know, to walk in their shoes. For change. Right when it seemed like, mental ought to be to be crone,

bakerist. Yeah, I did. It did. And you know what? There's one thing that I have found out that's true as well, which is that stolen water is so much more delicious. If I should try it, I don't want to advocate a lot of feverie, but a little water here and there I'm you think I should steal water. Do you still have any? Damn You got me you got me

See right I told you great when I just called you Cron, even though I know that there is really no Cron, there's... Or isn't there? Do you know what I mean? Because I think the best performers would say that they always find the thing about their character that still contains the most of them as possible. Maybe they're just pushing forward a different side of themselves to try to avoid, you know, the inevitable, which is that, of course, I'm going to end up having to save the world because I'm in the braid when the warrior elf.

You're like a lethal weapon. Yeah, I do have a brave heart. Are you getting too old for this shit? I do feel like I am. And I think that being the chrome was my way of expressing that with physicality. I was trying to show people, I was trying to leagraph to people, if you will, that I don't want to do this anymore. But in a way, I was holding the real braid when for ransom.

How long? Because that bakery has been across from Cheuchy's Tauf for some time. Yeah. How long have you been inside Crone? Well, I had to kill the woman that I replaced. Oh, or else she's very method of you. RIP, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it hasn't really been that long.

She did. Yeah, she did. I believe we must commit to a certain course of action. Hear me out. Yeah. I believe we should never release this episode. Keep Braidwins. Discikies a secret. Would you do that for me? Allow her to continue as Chrome Bakers and keep this secret among Suselis.

I mean, I get that, but I just feel like Braduin is just such a high-quality guest that I don't know that the podcast cannot release this episode. I get that. I get that. Fascinating. Well, at least tell me this. If you could just hold this until you know for sure whether or not we're going to have to resume fighting whether that's two years or 25 years.

There's just so many topical references. That was more like an infusion. The whole jocks jam thing is how we could try sliding this into the rotation 25 years from now. But people will be like, why are they talking so much to Chun? He's been dead for so long. Then here, I have an alternate way we may have both our cake and devour it too! Our Crayc!

Or our Crayc, or Crop Cakes. We shall release this episode as we would normally, and at the end, I shall cast a spell. That makes everyone crooked. Everyone like that. Yes. And I shall cast a spell. That makes everyone cookin'. Everyone? I like that. Yes. Yes, that way we can talk to Bradwin and learn how she's been doing because she's one of our favorite people.

And she's an amazing, Elf and Moira, and she's also an amazing baker. Oh. It's a gift I didn't know I had until I killed someone who took the identity. I love these. You said delicious.

May I have another? Absolutely. It's gonna make your dreams a lot less unpleasant for other people to hear about. Yes, you know what, crawling my dreams. My dreams are full of turmoil and anguish, and hate and despicable thoughts for I have pushed all these thoughts and feelings down and away from myself so that I may stand forth as the champion of food and broadcast not but goodness and light Well, the recipe could use some more clearly. I need to think a few things before I can make both that they'll make wizard dreams. Yeah, this dreams sound like a psychological apocalypse though to me

They really do. Yeah, well to know with it. Arnie, here's the time where you'd say, wizard dreams need help. What? Can I ask you something? What's worth more? You with the bush or you on a wire? If you're a bird. Oh, a bird on a wire. What is that word?

Wow, saying now is a real maverick move on your heart. Look, Bradwyn, there is a truce between us and the dark Lord, and I think as much as we need you to fight the forces of evil, if you need to take some time to be crowned bakerous and do the things you've always wanted to do, make your baked goods and cookies, maybe you can use that this time for that. You know, knowing that the time will come

when Foon will need Bradwyn again, but like a hiatus Yeah, all right taking a vacation from yourself That makes sense. I'll give some I don't know for whatever reason Max at the bar's past he is Max's piss at the bar. Oh, yeah, he upset him He's in Max's piss at the bar. Oh, yeah. Leave up, Setem. Can you might say he's mad? Give him, Mel.

I think Max is mad. I thought you said give him, Mel. I think Max is mad. Isn't Max mad? Yes, Max might be. Or might be, if someone. Definitely a bad, Max over there. I'm very bad, Max over there.

Now, I believe that this is a good course of action. It's time not to focus on what food needs, but on what women want. Yes. And I can't promise we won't really release this podcast. This will air in America right away. It will air America soon. I feel a little sick, guys. I'm not sure. I'm sorry. You shouldn't tell me to say that in the bushes. I did not tell you to say that. I'm thinking on why, but I do not feel well at all. This is really been a year of living dangerously for me.

Coming on this show feels like a risk in it of itself. Now I'd feel a little sick over so the words it would be said. So the things would be dropped on me here. You saying that I said that to you? It's a I never told you to say that yeah, oh deep cut That's a deep cut So braid when are you know what so crown Bakes for us. Thank you so much here. Let me put this hood back over here Hey, you can talk some of this straw back into my

shurs. Yeah, that is very soft straw. That is very soft. Thank you, if I didn't know better, I'd thank you for flirting with an old crow. Hey, maybe I'm into that Arnie. Yeah. Yeah.

Nice. Yeah, I don't know. I just, I'm getting a little bit of a herald and mud. Mud thing. I have an email here. This is from Andrew O'Ellis. Of course, you're gonna email me at ch a herald and ma- Ma- thing. I have an email here. This is from Andrew O. Ellis. Of course, you're going to email me at chantw6thesatgmail.com. This is Dear Arnie Chant and Yusador.

My fiance recently showed me a deck of tarot cards. Tarot cards. Tarot cards. Which are used for telling fortunes. I don't know if I believe what they indicate, but I find the artwork and symbolism fascinating. I'm curious if these cards are something similar, exist in food,

as I'm sure would be interesting to see what lies in the cards for you three. Yeah on my world there are these cards that people use to tell the future and they have these sort of like old archaic symbols on them. Like are they symbols or are they signs? Mmm. Payback. Mmm. Mmm. I'm stealing your water. Uh, yeah, they've got like, you know, for swords or death or the tower. Just these things that can be interpreted about your future. I know, are there other things like that on Fune? Well, you, John, earlier you mentioned a self-fulfilling prophecy of fortune tellers, so

there must be something like that. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, we do have fortune tellers who, you know, we'llfulfilling prophecy fortune tellers. So it must be something like yeah Absolutely. Yeah, there we do have fortune tellers who you know will tell you a fortune or tell you for coming into And they they use many different methods such as looking into a crystal ball or rolling the bones chicken bones Yeah, they'll roll chicken bones or or they do have a set of cards that they use at less popular called carocards use a less popular called carocards, but it's spelled C-A-R-R-O-T, and on the cards there's a certain amount of carrots on each card, and it tells you, based on how many carrots, you want your futurist, and then there's one card that is a bunny rabbit, and if the bunny rabbit shows up, you're doomed. Oh no, yeah, that's bad, no.

And with the chicken bones, if a fortune teller tries to collect chicken bones, they do have to kill the chicken themselves. And a lot of times, you know, when you'll see them chasing after the chickens, you'll see that the chickens run. It's almost as if someone had access to a list of some kind while we were on a parade. Where's my phone? Why is my phone over next to Chant? Well, Crone.

Yes? Crone, it's been such a pleasure meeting you and it's pretty hard to listen. Oh, it's just so wonderful coming here. Just tell you a little bit more about who we are, what we stand for, what kind of boats we live on, what kind of lakes, and just visit with y'all. Yeah, I have so many questions about

what it means to be a Crone and it sounds like crones are born crones But I maybe we can talk about that next time you visit and I hope you'll come back sometime soon. I'd be delighted I'd be delighted Yeah, and I'm glad you came to Hogs face the dark Lord's not here anymore I mean most of his minions are still here I mean, most of his minions are still here in the city. Oh, I found that out the hard way, found it out the hard way. We're in charge of the town,

but all of the minions are here. And they technically worked for us, but we can't really control what they do. No, so it's a certain extent we can, we can certainly scold them if they murder someone without provocation. Mm-hmm. But don't worry, whenever I see his minions

around the city, I'll say, hey, don't worry, whenever I see his minions around the city, I'll say, hey, don't worry. Bradewen the elf is not here in town. If you were, do not hurt, do not kill her. Wonderful. She's definitely not disguised as a crone. Wonderful. Definitely don't give them any ideas. So you will put it into their minds in the least.

Yes. If you say those things. One tiny note. Oh, yes. So the black lines in your front. My wrinkles. Yes, you you say those things. One tiny note. Oh yes. So the black lines. My wrinkles. Yes. You should put a white line underneath. My wrinkles. Oh. If you put a white line underneath, it gives the illusion of light hitting in great. Like a shading. Yes shading and shadow. Yes yes. Look. Well you are a master of light and shadow. That's right.

I am the master of light and shadow. And do think that this old Dried up apple I've been using is a nose is that convincing? You flatter me you know what girl let's get together and like let's just work on this whole girl You know what I don't even have to bake some of these croquies we could just eat the dough Wonderful This whole time I didn't want to say something, but there is a worm coming out of your nose. Yes, we didn't want to be rude. And I was like, that's gross.

Also, it's not the nostril. If you would say that I would have thought it was a bat in the cave situation, to use another meta-whatever. Trent, how should I respond to that? You should say, well, that's our show. Thank you, Crone. Thank you so much, boys.

I'm going to leave a big pile of these wizard dreams behind. Yeah, yeah, yeah, can you leave maybe 39, 40? Are you, then, eight, turn your name and say, Wizard dreams about 40, WD 40? What's your dreams? Wait, Wizard dreams about, I don't even understand your explanation. The cookies are called Wizard Dreams. Oh! The initials are WD, I said leave about 39 or 40,

then you pick up on it and you say WD 40. Yeah, I was thinking like, Pretty sure there's not a Mel gives a movie called 39 or 40. I was also in that headspace. Enjoy your hiatus, old road warrior. Thank you so much boys. I really appreciate it and I'm just gonna hobble away now. Yeah. It's gonna take me one to two hours to leave so. I know you're very old but to me you'll always be forever young. Is that one? Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Amused by their own choices were a power source. We'd be dismantling a lot of oil rigs right now. Usual The Wizard was played by Matt Young.

John Thabager was played by Adolf Reffy. Crone Bakesdress, the old Crone with a secret, was played by special guest Janet Varney. Check out Janet's delightful podcast The JV Club, and go see numerous shows at the San Francisco Sketchfest in January, which Janet co-founded and co-directs. Find out all about the upcoming awesome shows at sf-schetchfest.com. And now I think our little steamboat crag take the wheel for the rest of the outro. Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie Neek Camp, Evan Jacoba and Rhyndi

Georgi. This one edited by Chris Raffchen, music by Andy Polin, logo by Adler LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at aloefromthemagictavern.com if you have the time or on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and thanks to our friends at Ear Wolf. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta get back to the wheel. All aboard! Next up, Butterfly Nebula! Seren fell to the chain.

Well, how about that?