Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 4 - Not the Sheriff

Episode Date: April 10, 2017

We interview a mysterious guard with a vaguely familiar and unconvincing voice.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungGianessa Relkorus: Dana QuercioliMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The following podcast is not real. Currently, we're in a dark period of the show where the characters must endure long stretches of inactivity and demoralizing treatment. And when you think about it, so must we. But far be it for me to interfere with a Wi-Fi signal emanating from a magical land. When I joined the Order of the Bunker Guardians, I took an oath to monitor the barrier between worlds but never interfere. That and Edith the newsletter once a cycle.

That was the oath. In the meantime, place your expectations right around the 50% mark and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the imprisoned magical world of food. I'm your host Arne Neekham, if you're not listening to the podcast before. This is more or less what's going on. About two years and a month or so ago I fell through a dimensional portal in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of fune. Unfortunately a lot of it has been taken over by the Dark Lord. He's in prison me and my co-hosts and most of the town of Hogs face and are forcing us to continue to record our podcast. Here in the tavern the Vermilion Minotaur, the of Hawkes face and land a phone as always I'm

joined by my co-captive and co-host churn the talking badger yeah how's it going? it's going okay you know I think I'm sort of acclimating to the sort of the new status quo a little bit you though I worry I feel like you I feel like you're in a slightly worse situation than I am things are starting to to get better. I'm starting to make friends with my guards. Oh, that's good. They kind of rotate the guards who watch over myself. But yeah, I'm starting to make friends with them and just learn a lot about. I used to have two guards. They were both named Jean. Just two really, really, sort of, both named Jean. Both both name Jean very Svelte dudes very skinny wow and I just yeah I just hate skinny jeans like

mm-hmm sure yeah they they looked cool yeah but it was also at some point it just became uncomfortable yeah so when they would you know rotate I'd be like thank God yeah right isn't it weird though like I don't you feel like years and years ago you would never see skinny jeans jeans would be fat Yeah, you you think like sausages and like you know, yeah, but the new guards the new other new guards are great It's this woman the Loris and there's this little boy named Pip. Yeah, little Pip boy little Pip boy

Yeah, and and wow like I what is your friendship with these guards look like? Pip was telling me he's from a place called Sanctuary Hills. He's a very nice young man, very stern, very capable, knows his way around weapons. Wow. And Dolores is just a real, she's just a real small talker. A lot of like how, you know, like, you know, what's the weather like? Like, you know, you're existing in the same weather I'm existing in. Yeah, it's weird that she's allowed to go outside And you are less allowed to go outside and she's asking you what the weather's like Yeah, I don't know if that's like a mental a tactic of like mental break it like to mentally break me down It's working. John to Dolores might not be your friend

She might just be like a she might just be trying to crack you. I think it's just Dolores being Dolores. Hard to tell. Although she does, she's tough as well. Because at one point I go, can I, can I go outside? Like, can I go outside to see the weather and she goes, catch me outside. And I said, what, what? And she goes, catch me outside. How about that? Wow. And she just got real street. Real street. Real street. Dolores seems like she's like a meek, you know. Yeah.

Small talker. And then she just came out of her shell. And it was terrifying. What is like a food street? Like what is street and food? Like an urchin. Mm-hmm. Like a street urchin.

Yeah. So like if you're street... Tatter, you're big and strong on a tatter. Wigs wearing a lot of tatter clothes. Yeah. You're begging for money, you have a stench to you. You talk with a weird accent at times. Sure.

You're probably probably parentless. Yeah. Oh, and of course I'm joined by my other co-captiv and co-host, Yusidor. I am Yusidor. Wizard of the 12th realm of a fesious master of light and shadow. Many pylators of magical delights devour of chaos champion. Oh no.

Yusador, wake up! W-Wake up! Sorry. Why'd you put your keys up on the table? What? Why'd you put your keys up on the table? Chant Delores just overcracked you. I think, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Can I be honest though? I feel like when we do podcasts now, because I'm kind of, I can be cooped up for a while. Yeah. I do just want to kind of air some grievances. Oh. And I feel like, I love you guys so much. I'm so thankful to be here with you.

But. But you said, or I feel like your backerbs have gotten a little half-assed. Oh, yeah. There's not a lot of pop. There's not a lot of oomph behind it. Yeah, they're feeding me a potion that not only trains my magical powers, but my physical health. So I am deteriorating slowly. Look, I know you've been fed a potion that is destroying you from the inside,

but we've all got tough stuff going on, you said, or part of your job on the podcast. Is to give me a backrobe while I'm introducing the show. Sorry. Let me, I'll go rub your back so. All right. Oh, good. So chunt. How's it there?

Oh, that's great. That is great. So guys, I haven't talked enough about my situation. No guards outside my room. So I've kind of come to realize I can sort of come and go as I please. Can kind of walk around the town of Hogs face. Go outside a lot. Or like, let me rephrase that. I could go outside a lot. But you know what the day just disappears on you? You know what that's like? Where you're like, ugh, the day is like half

done. You're like, I haven't gone outside all week! Oh yeah, we've met. Yeah, absolutely. But I'm gonna start getting out and walking around Hawks face a little more, figuring out ways that we can maybe escape. All three of us. They gave me a rotten plum. Oh, that's a tough break. Actually, hit my guard.

Yeah, it was telling me that... That wasn't the end of my story. Oh, that's a fun plum. See you later., no, where do they get the rotten plum? Oh Go ahead also Use it or look. I know they're giving you a potion that is destroying you from the inside But we still all have stories that are a little bit interesting. It's made me a terrible story No, you said or it's like one of the one things you had going for you. I also don't know if this is new news to you, but Pip knows you as Dusty Tomes and Dolores

knows you as Dick Bisk. Dick Bisk! What are they? What are they? Are they Nomes? I don't know what they are. They look fairly human. I think the Nomes might know me as Dick Bisk.

What was the other name dusty toms? Dusted toms. I might have met him at a concert. Also, are they porn stars? I feel like both of those sound like porn names This one time. Sure. What this one time? So we were all going to the Story's not gonna be a good. There's no specificity to the river. Uh-huh. Give us some details to munch on. You have never been so grandpa. But we all went to the river. And at the river's mouth, we all went.

Oh, god, he's telling this to Ragan. When he went down to the rivers, he took the horses. He took me to the water. He can't. So we'd lead the horses to the water and they drank the water. You made them drink the water? No, they just... You could too.

Impossible. Even for a wizard. One for the ages, dusty tones. You say, you are so like, off your game. I just want to talk to the guard. Like, let's bring in one of the guards that sort of stand on the side of the room while we do the podcast. Yeah?

Let's just interview one of the guards. And guys, guys, we won't say this to to the guard but we can try to pump the guard for Information we can use to try to escape. Why don't we talk to them for information? Why would you pump them? Oh? Okay, guys, let's talk to them for information to use to escape. We were all out drinking And we do we don't define the same story We all the same to get a waffle context. It was really fun night, but we were so wasted.

So we were gonna talk to a guard. Yes, oh hey, guard. I'm so sorry, I don't know your name. Would you mind talking in one of the microphones? Hello. Hello, hey guard. And what's your name? Everybody knows my name, I'm a man.

Yeah, sir. Okay, I'm a man. Yeah, sir. Okay, sir. That's a weird opener. You can call me Gregor. Gregor? Okay. Gregor, what's it like being a guard for the Dark Lord? It's okay. You know, you work hard and you don't get special treatment like you want when you do a good job and it's hard, you know, nobody pays you the...

Nobody pays you? Well, that one, I don't, this is, he keeps saying it's, I'm doing it pro bono. Oh, no. You too, are you're getting paid pro bono? Yeah. I would be on the edge if someone didn't pay me.

Yeah, I know. How are you gonna find what you're looking for? I don't know. I don't know. That's a beautiful day. Well, you know once I finally do get paid I'm sure it will be the sweetest thing. Yeah. Do you do your accent? It sounds like the weight, the cadence of your voice. Are you a Gregory from the mountain? Yes, of course. They're all me and both my, my penis also comes from the mountain. Oh, sure course. All of me and both of my, my penis also comes from the mountain. Oh, sure, yeah. Well, my penis comes too. From the mountain? It can. You're in Titu, and hello, Gregor. I am Yusador. I am a man, and I'm very pleased to meet you. Everyone. It's me.

What? Don't draw any attention. Gregor, what? You're just seen, my name isn't Gregor. What? That's a weird thing to lie about. Perhaps you gentlemen remember. That was.

In one time in my life I used to be a sheriff. Huh. She's the sheriff. She was. She was a sheriff. That's a sheriff. It's me, Giannessa. And as that's so good to see your work.

We're happy you're alive after the scourge that came over. Foxfakes didn't nearly kill us all. It was a nightmare, everyone. I'm so happy to see you, but remember if anyone comes up here, immediately start talking about my penis. Oh, of course, yes. Of course, of course. That's right, it was very convincing. I forgot that for the. Oh, of course, yes, of course. It was very convincing. I forgot that for the first five years of being the sheriff you had to pretend to be a man.

Yes. So you have a lot of experience. I have so much experience. Yeah. I was in dram for a long time. You're in dream. Dressed as a man. Oh, dressed as a man. Yes. Have you ever been to a dram show? I don't think I have been to a drama show. There are a lot of fadden. I bet they are. It is so much fun. Everybody dresses like a man. Sure.

It's easy for men. Sure. And they'll have dream races where you kind of sprint a hundred yards and see who's fastest. Yeah, that is great. But do you ever feel like you just have like people just shown up as like tourist at the dram show? Oh, yes.

Do you know how many times when I was in dram, women who were about to be brides and all of the people who were standing up with them? They would show up and ruin everything. Yeah. And you're like, look, we are gathered here trying to pretend to be men, to get jobs that we are worried we cannot get as women. Yes. All I'm trying to do is earn your respect as a man. Don't come in here and make this about you getting married.

You have my deepest respect and I'm so glad that you are here in disguise and are ready to break us all out from our prisons. Yeah, GNSR, you're here to rescue us and break us out of Hogsface? I'm trying my best. Oh, good. And I have to be honest. You said, or I'm glad you're alive. Oh, I was very concerned that I would be the first to fall, but yeah, they have kept me alive for some reason.

And as soon as I am free, I promise to hope you avoid growing with your own. Thank you so much. I'll call you up to stretch. I'll help you, Streech. I'll do what I heard, Streech. Oh, you said our something. That's what you said, and something you're going to do. I'm just telling you, boys. That voice once used to send shivers down my hands.

Yes. One of the days that they gave me the potion, I got to drink a little bit of it, and then later on, I drank the rest of it and Then I drank great story and I drank the plum I ate the plum never I ate the plum. Oh, that's a whole story. I'm so sorry for you Once a great teller of tales you were. Ah great. You saw some plum on your thumb Oh, yes, this is the one I took out of a pie though. I was sitting over in the corner. So, Giannessa, we didn't hear like, how did you survive the Battle of Hogsface?

When the Dark Lord and all the Yorks attacked, we never heard what happened to you. I was living in a creek. Oh no. It was horrible. Yes, so pruny. Yeah, oh, I'm sure. Just in the creek? Yes. G-G-G-N-S-A-

Were you in the creek before the attack? I was. I'll be honest, I was. I've gotten very tired. It was a long time coming, my nap. And so I just went into the creek, because nothing suits me quite like water sounds. Sure, sure.

Just a quick creek nap. Yeah, just a very quick one that ended up lasting actually a lot longer than I couldn't move. Yeah. Great one. Because actually we were getting ready to leave for the quest. And you said you would go on the quest if I helped you clean up crime in Hawks' faces. Yes.

You weren't there when we were trying to leave. So I was... Now that is on me. That's a little disappointed. You'd be all be honest. I think I met you at the wrong rock formation because I am so sorry. Yeah. Right, time wrong rock.

That's the story of the story of what went down. I told you and I said to me to set the first rock marker out of food, which is confusing because the first rock marker out of food is through the gates, but there's a rock marker at the gates of food. through the gates, but there's a rock marker at the gates of food. So if I say the first rock marker, you have to be very specific. Is it the first one at the gates or outside of the gates? I was outside of the gates right by the creek. Right by the creek.

I love rocks. What percentage of your directions are rock related? Which I say you said are. Probably about 85% because the thing about rocks is they're all different shapes and sizes and colors. And if you look at them, you can see the different shapes and sizes and colors. And if you touch them, they sometimes have different textures. So sometimes I explain the texture of the rock.

And other times I describe how it looks and if you taste them Sometimes they taste different so I'll even describe the taste of the rock and this one time I was out collecting rocks And I put them all in my pocket and then I fell asleep and That's the whole story I think you said we're gonna sleep. I fell over sorry. You said I'm fine. I'm fine Well anyway, that story does remind me that it's so easy to It's so easy to fall asleep when you're waiting for someone at a rock function sure. Oh, yeah, it sounds like was that a story Or was it more like a geode to rocks?

I I like to think of it as a geod to rocks and I also wanted to commissary with you about falling asleep. Of course, it happens to. Were you going to say to the best of us or to the worst of us? It's the best of us. And then Arnold said, oh quartz. I said, of course. Oh, well, whatever. So Gina, so you avoid being captured by the minions of the Dark Lord? Yes. What have you been doing since then? Well, to be honest, I've been plotting my revenge. Oh, good.

This entire time. Yeah, we're into it. We're into revenge. You know who I'm going to get first. Who? That son of a bitch, Doug Renth. Oh, Doug Renth, you have the deputy. Oh, the deputy.

We've heard he's the new sheriff. Oh if that's what we want to call with that's pissing on the title of sheriff a little bit. But yes. Yeah, certainly we will assist you in any way we can. I never liked Doug Renth. I'll be honest I'll just say it. He's a twerp. Yeah he's kind of he's kind of derpy. He's a bit derpy. Burp, burp, burp for sleeping in than a river. Yeah, it's cold. Yeah. But you know a river, you would just drown. Right. Right. I'd rather sleep than a creek.

Oh yeah. Yeah. I think someone with the same potion to tell stories. I think so. I just been drinking anything I can find. There's not as much alcohol around anymore I've noticed. Well, gentlemen, if you need a drink, I've been making some in the latrines. Oh, hmm.

Yes, latrine Hooch. Right, latrine Hooch. Oh, you're making a bathtub gin, or is it just a general Hooch? It's just whatever for men's. I wouldn't go ahead and put a brand on it. That's fair. No type. Just throw in a potato throw in a beat

Whatever my churn and alcohol after a while. Yes. Yes. Oh wonderful. I have some in if you do gentlemen would like I bought it I'll take a little bit. Yeah, I love it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. Everybody Oh That is strong stuff I don't know. Is is supposed to taste like this? I can't tell, I've never done it before. Had it to me, had it. Yeah.

Mmm. Mmm. Oh, that's quite wonderful. I like that quite a bit. You said it already, it really worked out. Oh, wow. For just a second, that brought you back. You said, or take one more sip.

Take one more sip. I say we're more Yes, what a wonderful and powerful drink you have created in dying very latrine I with your piping and your bathroom ways who have found it Well, there's good news and there's bad news The good news is there's a way to get you to our back the bad news is he's gonna have to be drunk as fuck No, you said oh The goodness is there's a way to get you to the back. The bad news is he's gonna have to be drunk as fuck. No. You said no. You said no. Did I tell you guys about the time I was collecting rocks?

Damn it. Alright, we're gonna take, we're gonna take a quick break and when we get back, I want to learn more about what GNS has been up to. It's like you're slowly turning into can. Oh. turning into can. Oh. Oh. So, Genessa, you've been pretending to be a guard. And you've been plotting your revenge on Doug Reath.

Yes. What are you going to do to him? I'll be honest, my first priority is to overturn the Dark Lord as we all know. Oh, sure. There's so much going on. Oh, what a wonderful penis you have. Oh, wait! Gards! There are guards. Are we not men? Yeah, all of us all for

us here. We've all got a penis including me. Why am I telling my my penis so much? Hey, they just they went on body. It's sorry. Yeah, sorry. You know what? I think what we've also learned is if people come into the room that you don't want to hear hear what you're talking about just start all talking about your penises. People will be like, oh, maybe I'll come back later. Or not. Well, either way, you learn something. Yes, true. Depends on the tavern you're in. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. So, so, Gianna said, yeah, what are you gonna do to Doug Reth? Well, I could put him in the dungeon. I could put him in the stocks. We could all throw things at him, or am I wrong? Should he be dragged or something?

I would hang him from the Joshua tree. The tree? Yeah, Joshua's tree. Yes, the Joshua planted. Yes, be dragged. What do you mean when you say he should be dragged? I just mean his reputation and also his body should be dragged quite a distance. Yeah, but fast like a race.

Or like in an intense chase situation. Who like drag his body like real fast and like also be like really upset like. Fast and furious. Well, yeah, yeah, I guess so. I guess that's what I'm saying. So at this time. Do that seven or eight times. Well, as long as it's not too fast and too furious, I don't know.

I don't know. That would be ludicrous. But I feel like if you do it seven or eight times, that's a sweet spot. Look, I feel like the first time you do it, it'll be good. The second time, it'll be not so great. The third time, you're like, what's even going on with this dragging?

The fourth time. You're saying we're drifting away from the main drag? Well, then I'm going to sit. But then, once you get up to like the fifth time you're furious, you're like your furious five, then I feel like you got the sweet spot and things are just gonna get better from there. But if it is some sort of drag race, maybe around three or four, what if there's a tirase? Isn't that a point when the whole thing just seems silly?

It's like, he's still really doing, you're still really dragging him around everywhere. Let move on to something else. Look, if I've learned anything from the last two years and one month, it's that once things get to a point where they're too silly, you just keep going, you just keep going forward. That is true. I suppose I've learned the same lesson that there is no point in pretending that you aren't going to just trot out the same old crap you trot out every week people seem to love it every week when we talk about

peanuts or almonds or oh yeah, I'm talking about getting nuts right now I'm not talking about the show it is weird that like all the guards, like I feel like a celebrity or all the guards are like, get nuts and they like say my catchphrase to me and I'm like, that's amazing. Yeah.

It's a one person through half a wall not at me. I think it was some sort of a good thing. Yeah. Yeah. It hit me in the eye. Yeah. Ooh. Genese, is there any way to get out of here?

Is there any secret tunnel? I mean, I don't know if you know the guard PIP. PIP was saying that there's a vault number 111 or something that maybe leads outside. Is there any sort of? Well, as you know, I have a very firm grasp on really all of Hogs face. I have a...

No one knows this city better than the former sheriff. Yes. As far as I know, there is a way, maybe two out. But I'm sure those tunnels have collapsed by now. It might take some digging. It might take some work, but I'm trying to convince the people of this damn town to help, but I can't reveal myself and no one wants to help me as the ugly man I am. Oh, that's fair. I think you're very handsome man. Here's what we need. Here's what we need, guys. We need a mole on the inside,

and then I'll have sex with it, and then I'll dig us out of here. Wait, when you said a mole on the inside? I didn't mean a mole, I didn't mean a mole. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She said you're going to have to dig the tunnel. Yeah. I've been requesting that they set me a tapestry of my sweet love, Genelevia, to hang in my small prison cell

so that I could dig a hole right behind that image of her and keep it hidden behind that tapestry of Geneva. Is that the one you can keep throwing rocks at? Yes I would put the rocks in my robe and just shake them out of my robes whenever they let me out. I just have a tapestry of Climps the Kiss. What's that? Have you not told you about Climps? No, who's Climps? He's an artist here in Finn. Oh, he has this very famous tapestry that's called the Kiss. Oh, and I feel like a lot of At a certain age it's like you just put it up when you're well. Sure. We haven't told you about Rick Limp before no

Rickson good guy good guy. Good guy. Good guy. I mean some of this stuff is really pretty obvious Sure, the case is a picture of two people kissing. Oh, okay Sure, the case is a picture of two people kissing. Oh, okay. So but GNS, you're trying to get everyone in the city together To rise up or at least to try to escape. Yes. Is there any way we can help? Yes, no one will listen to me. Where is that? I know you said that you liked my man outfit, but I am not doing a good enough job of getting these people to like me. Of course you are. As you do. Janessa, do you need help on being a man? Yes.

What can you teach me? What can I do better? Well, we can teach you how to walk like a man. Talk like a man. Walk like a man, my son. Walk like a man. It's easy if you can. Walk like a man.

Ooh, you're decent. Oh, did I say some of those already? Yeah. It's very important that when you're talking to someone that you don't sit and face them and make eye contact, but rather that you sit side by side and talk outwards. Okay. I should have known this side was a man, semi-convinceingly for five years. Well, someday we'll make a man out of you. Why don't you sit like angle your knees outward? Okay. Yeah, even wider. Yep. There you go

Take up some space and kind of bump into Arnie and you said oh really taking out of our space This is your space. No, no, no, this is this is what you should do. Yeah take up space that does not belong to me Exactly. What pretend that it does yeah exactly just on the off chance You'll be inconvenience and have to give up any small amount of that space okay here's a little test for you oh I heard that the dark Lord is is terrible he's a good wait what's this test you failed the test already I'll say the same thing that I just said but say it to me. You already failed this test already. No, no, the the dark lord thing.

Oh, I was really not paying attention. It just, of course you weren't. Chant, you say it to me. Um, I heard that the dark lord is wonderful. Well, actually, let me tell you about the dark lord. There are some things you need to understand about the dark lord and I'm going to explain them to you. Okay. Are you listening?

I respect your opinion because of the way you're dominating this conversation. Exactly. Yes. All right. So when, especially if a female says to me, yes, the Dark Lord is, uh, let's say he doesn't treat women the same way he treats men. Right. I say the phrase, well, actually, and explain why he does treat them just fine.

Let's roleplay Arnold, your woman. OK. Hey, hello. Oh, that's good. I'm just another woman like you all. I've got the vagina. Yes, let me sit next to you and push my leg up against yours when I shouldn't be touching you very good

Well, maybe I can fix you You think you can fix me that implies that I'm broken Well, I wouldn't say it, but I might believe it and give up way too many years of my life try You're ugly and you're overweight and you're Oh, that's I feel bad I feel real bad I feel worse than I sound and you sound like a wild and crazy guy I'm sorry I got a break out of this role play that was really how would it like to be a woman in you know I'm face sometimes didn't understand that I could just treat people the way I've

been treated for all of these years. Yes, exactly. And then of course, the other horrible minions of the Dark Lord will take you immediately. Well, actually, you said, or I know you think all men act like that, but you know, not all men are that terrible. I'm sorry. Well, actually, lots of them are. Most you three are right.

I think everybody hears. Well, actually, not all three of U3 are right. I think everybody hears. Well, actually, not all three of us are all right. Two thirds. That sounds good. I can agree to that. This is also peace standing up. Oh, I did. But don't poop standing up, because people won't let you hear the end of it.

Well, I did actually come up with a device that helps me go to the bathroom standing up. Wow, what's this device? It's number one, not not not not okay. Oh okay, yeah, yeah. Yes, even though I'm pretending to be a man, the lady and me still can't talk about that and you know. Oh, it's amazing. I came upon a map maker. And all of a sudden, it occurs to me, take one of these maps, roll it up, put it in my pants. So when I stand up, use the bathroom.

I just unfurl this rolled up map and I go and it comes out in a stream and it's amazing. Does it have to be a map? Well, it's it could be a scroll. Okay. It could be any bit of I want to say parchment or any kind of Thing that I could roll up. Yeah, but it is satisfying to go to a map maker and say map maker map maker make me a cock You know sure. Oh, yeah, and this and this is something you've been trying to solve forever when you saw that you could pee using a map you're like at last. Yes, exactly, exactly. A plum, that's a strange fruit. Hey, do you really, when they're robin' they're not particularly good at all.

I suppose most robin' fruit isn't good to eat. Wait one moment now. We started an experiment with me, but perhaps we could start one with you, Yusador. What, we are? Start a story and then take a sip of that Latrine Huchai gave you. Okay, let's see. What should I tell a story about? I have so many wonderful adventures. What's the first thing that comes to your head? Because I feel like that's it. Grass?

Grass? Grass. Grass. One time I was laying in the grass looking up at the sky and it was beautiful. It was really nice day. Take a swig. And when there I do look at that sky. I do think of the great purpose for which I was brought into Foonfall. For Eden now, I shall give a strength from the light in the shadow, and I shall become powerful again and defeat that dark lord.

Yeh, I shall ride forth with Bremuf, the fifth fastest horse in Foon, and I shall destroy all who fight me. Yeh, no longer shall I be used to door the diminished, but you said all the great. It's just as hard to parse through but just more confident. Yeah, he's more lucid, but I'm like, I don't want to hear what he's saying anymore than I did before. It's just louder, but it does feel good to have old UC back. That's true. You sure keep drinking that. We'll take as much as that as you can smuggle in, please. Oh, I will keep making it, I promise. And in the meantime, I feel like I should be talking to some potion masters to see if anyone can help you. Find an alchemist or a potion maker and bring, have them make some counter potion to the one that I've been taking out before. Grateful. Yes.

Yeah, are there other things that we could use to help us concoct the scheme to get out of here? I-I know I could use a book on glyphs. I've been trying to learn about glyphs because I know the Baron has tattoos all over his body with glyphs with-with the Dark Lord secret plans. I have this plum. Okay. Okay. So we have your plum.

Okay, hold on to that, buddy. Good. But yeah, if you could smuggle in a book on glyphs. Of course. Yeah, or even just like not even a whole book, like some glyph notes or something. Now, Gianessa, sure. I must warn you that we are being forced to do the podcast by the dark lord. And though you are in disguise as a God, often we will just ignore you and pretend like you aren't here. That's wonderful. To help you remain in disguise. I like that because I don't want my identity given up.

No, no, you should not. Yes, the listener should know that even though we may not directly talk to you each week, you're definitely here a lot of the time. Yes. Well, it's a part time job, that's all they would let me do as a guard, but I am... Part time! Yes! It's gotta be hard to make a living on that. Even especially since they don't pay you at all!

Don't pay me! Part time pro bono. Hmm. Isn't that horrible? Strange. So, GNS, I think? Oh no. You, oh, you scared me.

You scared me. I'm sorry. I didn't want to wake him, but the snoring. Right, he's such an angel when he's sleeping, but it's allowed. Hey, can we chop something? No, I'm awake. Oh, bro. It's eyes are wide open. Oh, you sure?

You got to get that checked out. There's something. You've got like a wake apnea or something. Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I'll try to breathe away from you. So, GNSA, it's so, we're so glad to have you back. Anything, actually, John, was there something you want GNSA to try to smuggle in for you?

I guess maybe like a book on rocks just so... ...or he doesn't keep making the same of quartz joke over and over? Of course. Maybe just... Of course. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. Wait, that's how that expression goes?

Yes! Of course. Of course. There it is. Yeah. I swear all my life, I thought it was of course. Otherwise, why would I say it like that that's weird. It's true it doesn't make any sense. I'm happy to do that. So Gianessa I'm just curious

like what are the guards talk about like you have a lot of inside dirt on what the guards are like and what they want. Some of them I feel bad for them. There are several guards, most of them are horrible, but there are a couple very nice, hard working. Some of them seem to have thought, well it's the dark Lord's really going to help the economy, but now that I see what all he's really doing, I'm not so on the board. Yes, yes. They were supportive at first even though it seemed to go against what was best for them and all of us. I feel very sad for the minions who don't realize that some of the Dark Wars policies are gonna be the worst for them. Of course. They don't, but of course. I don't want to say they're not smart enough to understand or know better, but perhaps they're not.

Look, we're all dummies about something. Yes, and you can take these things for granted. You cannot. Hey, uh, Chant, have you got any emails? Yeah, I've got a couple of emails here. Um, this is to Chant at GMOC.com, that's Chant with six teas. Uh, first one here is from Michaela King, uh, says, Thank you for keeping me sane.

I've been faithfully listening to your podcast for a while, and it's awesome. I just want to say thanks for the amazing stories, especially now. Well, wait till this episode. I mean, my first trymaster of pregnancy and I save new episodes for days when I feel particularly vomit prone. Listening helps me drive home without thinking about puking. And the podcast lasts just long enough for the whole drive. So thanks, you're awesome. Love you guys, Michaela. And Michaela, just to give her one of those amazing stories, she's talking about, would you mind telling her a story about someone being pregnant?

Oh, of course. Once I saw Gina actually giving birth in the middle of the town square. And she lifted the baby up over her head in a triumphant manner. And then I found a rock. Well, you know, I actually, I know you didn't ask me. I have a lot of amazing stuff. No, we did not ask you.

We did not ask you. We did not ask you. So there are a bunch of people in World War Two fighter plane and they're landing gear. It doesn't work. But one of them is an artist and he draws cartoon wheels. What? He draws cartoon wheels. And they all think they're going to die, but they just believe in him. He's kind of like

their mascot. He's kind of like the the most lovable one among them and somehow the power of their belief in him make magical cartoon wheels and they land the plane. What an amazing. What is a plain landing here? I know. I have to admit. I mean there's a lot of context that I did not give for you guys. No, you did it. When I had a group of people believing in something and that a lot of people... People believing in something, that's an amazing story. Let's read another email.

Great. This is from Pipa Bramley. Pipa says, just discovered the Magic Tavern podcast. I just want to say, hey, from the UK. UK? Yeah, the United Kingdom. It's a country. There is a kingdom. Discover your podcast on Spotify today whilst feeling lousy and resting.

You have brought joy to my heart all the way from food. I'm currently up to episode 10 and working my way through your podcast in order. Keep up the great work and things for making my day a little more magical. Regardless, Pippa. Shall hear this in about eight years. We get a lot of emails from people who are just starting to listen. more magical regards. HIPHOPHOPHOPHOPHOPHOPH can also email me at magic tavern at puppies that supplies. It's a really email address My 11 year old is about to turn 12 when asked what he wants for his birthday He requested a Yucidor t-shirt because as he puts it Yucidor is savage This request however was made before the dark Lord and his minions conquered Fune

I'm worried that if he catches up with the episodes, he's probably on episode 10. Before his birthday and learns what a weakling Yusidor has become, his opinion of Yusidor will change and the money I spend on that t-shirt will have been wasted. Damn, shots fired. Please hurry up, escape and repower Yusidor so that my kid doesn't think I'm a schmuck for buying him a lame piece of Yusidor so that my kid doesn't think I'm a schmuck for buying him a lame piece of Yusidor Theon Barrel for his birthday. Thanks, Nathan.

Sometimes all of us are weak. There is no crime to admit that you need help. And right now I need help. Go to Yusidorrocks.com. Pooch as a t-shirt or a science-bed tapestry on your world-knownest posters. Oh, or just give yous it or the bird by clicking on the button, give yous it or the bird. And Nathan, we think we might have found a way to slowly make yous it or a little more savage, and your son can learn an important lesson that all you need is the healing power

of Hooch. Great lesson for a 12 year old. Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! year old. Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Spread your legs out when you're sitting next to girls and take up space that belongs to them.

Well actually he's 12. He's not 13. When he's 13 he'll be a man and you can start to do those things. Alright. Good luck. Well, by now you finish your morning commute, or if you're at home, time to wander, broken into the kitchen and mentally wrestle with whether updating your LinkedIn profile is worth the effort. Chunch the Badger was played by Adolf Refy, which reminds me I'll have to sweep up the

remains of the irony sensing prism. It exploded when Adolf criticized Arnie's choice of words. Usud O'The Wizard was played by Matt Young. If Vocal Fry were bacon, well, Matt would be the winner of the county fair. Gianessa, the former sheriff of Hogsface, was played by special guest Dana Querceoli. Check out Dana's show Glass Basement. Thursdays at Chicago's I-O theater. Most days, Dana can be found peeling off her restrictive blonde wig. Walking away from her photo shoot, joining an impromptu street protest and offering law

enforcement personnel a glistening can of you who stay sassy Dana Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Ryan to Georgie Evan Jacover and Arnie Neekamp this episode edited by Chris Rathchin Well Craig when the old font size drops from 14 to 12. That's your cue to swoop in and tackle all this minutia Music by Andy Poland logo by Allard LeBon additional audio effects by Jason Knox production assistance by Garrett Schultz Visit us at a low from the magic tavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter Thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and thanks to ear wolf. Hey, by the way if you haven't rated or reviewed us on iTunes That really helps the show and it helps people find it so please go rate us on iTunes this completely fictional podcast Craig you know when you think about it So please, go rate us on iTunes this completely fictional podcast.

Craig, you know, when you think about it, people could email and demand that since the Dark Lord has been given so much air time, he should finally get around to appearing on the show. That email is Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies. Then maybe someone could grow up here and finally email Will Wheaton. He's not hard to find. he's not hard to find.