Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 46 - Lightbringers of Hogsface

Episode Date: February 5, 2018

We’ve formed a council to help run Hogsface, and invited Momo the mouse with human strength, Jak Vorpal and the Singing Sword.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungJak Vorpal: Sean KelleySinging Sword: Erica ElamMomo the Mouse: Erin KeifTomblain Belaroth: Steve WaltienMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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This is lore town. No, I'm just having fun. I have a lot of time on my hands up here. Sponsors, this is what you have to look forward to if you're going to play Koi, and now enjoy the show. Welcome and Grammacies. I am Yusudor and I welcome you to the first council of the lightbringers of Hogsface. Bumper, bumper. Yes, of course. This is Chant Mike Cohort and he's friend banana man. He's a banana.

Please welcome your mayor, banana man. Yes, currently banana man is wearing the sash. We've been trading off week by week. So everyone say hello to banana man. Hello banana man. Hello banana man. He can't speak. So he's doing a great job as me, though, and well, I'd like to thank you for coming today. Let's just go around the table and say hello and tell each other who we are in case everyone isn't familiar with each other. A chant, why don't you go first? Hello, my name is Chant, I'm a ship shifter, I'm usually in the form of a badger, I was

recently a gorilla, but I'm currently an oyster So pretty straightforward. Johnson Oyster. Oh, hello. Well, I'm the singing sword and I'm Jack's girlfriend Sword friend And I'm Jack purple and I'm the singing swords boyfriend wielder I plunder in and out of things wielder I plunder in and out of things

I know we're in public. I shouldn't be so discuss discussive Hi, I'm Momo and I'm here alone. That's all right. So am I now? We are waiting for Arnold and I expected him to be here normally he would be but I suppose For once I expected him to be here, uh, normally he would be, but uh, I suppose for once I shall have to run the show. I, use it all. Wizard of the 12th rule, Muffeasy, a smaster of light and shadow, manipulator of magical lights, devour of chaos, champion of the great hall, oh here's Arnie. Oh, sorry, sorry I'm late. Glacianus. Hey guys, I was just kind of getting some stuff done. I'm so sorry. I'm late. Thank you for coming to the

Hogsface Council. What are we calling it again, Yusudar? The Council of Lightbringers of Hogsface. Thank you for being a part of the Council of Lightbringers of Hogsface. Just before we get started I have a real quick thing I wanted to do. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm a real quick thing I wanted to do. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host, Arne and E. Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About almost three years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger in Chicago.

In the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional riff from the Burger King, and I use that to upload a podcast. I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, which just happens to be the seat of government in Hogsface right now, run by myself, Yucidor, Chunt and Banana Man,

who is currently the mayor, in the town of Hogsface, which we're running. What's this? Yeah. Since he became mayor, he did write down that he wants to be called Manana.

Oh, Manana, Mayor Manana. Of course, instincts were right. He wants to be called Manana. Okay. Wait, so let me get this right. He was named Banana Man. But he was a Manana. But now he wants to be called Manana

and he is a Banana Man. As he is mayor for this week, he wants to be called Mayor Manana. Oh, all right. He relinquishes his sash. He would like to be called a Banana Man. As he is mayor for this week, he wants to be called Mayor Manana. Oh, all right. He relinquishes his sash. He would like to be called a banana man. Off fair enough. Mr. Mayor Manana Man.

I think just Mayor Manana. I think just Mayor Manana. Okay. Totally makes sense. In the land of fun. And I'm just gonna record this meeting because I feel like this could maybe make just like a quality episode of the podcast as well.

And people of Earth think of yourself as also being on the council of lightbringers of hogs face. Or elbow as we call it. What? What's that? We call it elbow, LBOH lightbringers of hogs face. Oh, elbow. Okay, great. First on the agenda, the zoning issues in the northwest side of town. Oh, and you're zoning, who's danger is right?

Oh, yeah, yes, exactly. Some people want to redraw the district and others do not. Let's get a vote of people who would like to extend the Western border of the northwestern zone, exactly five feet left. Raise your left hand. That's no one raised their hand. All those against.

Raise your right hand. Bernie, you seem to be himming in hot and hungry. No, I'm just trying to be proactive and do things for Hogs face. These are the things we need to do. It's not always sexy. With me, it's usually sexy. Very sexy. Well, at first of all, I just wanted to say. It's a gatherer, With me it's usually sexy. Very sexy.

Well I first thought I was going to say. Yes, it's gathered. Jesus. Jack and singing sort, it's so great to see you. It's been a while. It has been a while. Yes, it has. Thank you for helping us make Hogs face better. Thank you for inviting us. Well of course.

It's always nice to be on any kind of a council. Yeah, how are you two doing? I haven't seen you in a while. Well, that's because we've been hold up at home. Oh, yeah, hold up at home or, you know, going out to the village, killing a few people, picking up some groceries and then coming home and get canoeing. Oh, so you've been on a bit of a killing spree? Oh, sure, any chance I get. Can I ask you a question?

Have you been killing people who deserve to be killed? Well, with Jack, generally, yes. Yes, it been killing people who deserve to be killed? Well, with Jack, generally yes. Doesn't everyone deserve to be killed? Oh. I mean, maybe deserve to be killed in that moment. I'm just really trying to think about like doing good and like what's a good thing to do. Absolutely. I've just been like, not understanding this culturally.

Like, it's doing well. You want to be doing well. Oh, I want to be's doing well. Doing you want to be doing well? Oh, I want to be doing, no, I do want to be doing well. Arnor does good, you're doing well. Oh, I'm not. But I think that's what he's saying. No, I think he wants to actually start doing good. Oh. We got to make Hogs face better and more defendable against the Dark Lord.

That's a good point, which brings me to this motion that has not either passed or failed about the zone and then an northwest bone over, we move the left border five feet to the left. The west border five feet to the left, excuse me. I'm so sorry. As we have... Guys, do we have some exciting... Do we have any exciting things in the car find fine? I'll skip down the agenda here.

Uh, here's a good one. Uh, there's a motion to rename the council of the lightbringers of Hogs face to something less stupid. A lot of people think it sounds like a cult, and I frankly I agree with them even though I came up with the name. Mom, I just keep forgetting what it is. It's a long name, to be fair, but that's my specialty. Momo, and it's so good to see how you're doing.

Good. I don't think I've seen you since we send you off to Fingiri with that message for Kram. Yeah, it took me a long time to get back, and since I've been back up and living in Tussidors Hat. What? Oh, Tussidors Hat. Yeah, I've been living in Tussidors Hat. What? Oh, Tussidors Hat. Yeah, I've been living in Tussidors Hat. It's a real cheap and very sticky. Oh, sticky.

Yeah, like we're really sticky. Have you ever been to a flat house before? Yeah, briefly. Yeah, it's like that kind of sticky. Oh. To a fat rat's house? Yeah. Oh, is that what I was agreeing to?

Yeah. A bunch of fat rats live together in a house because they need each other And you just like can't function without one another and they just make everything sticky. Oh Yes fat rat gets shortened to frat. Oh We should do with our name we could shorten it in that way. Oh, yes I'm aware the the floor is open to new ideas for the names of the council Light bringers of hot space labriffers How about this light briners? Oh

Don't look at the oyster when you say that library face. Oh library face. Oh Undevisible department of homeland security Oh Undivisible Department of Homeland Security Like a man of Homeland Security very sexy baby. Thank you. Yeah, it's it sounds it fills the mouth properly And it also States exactly what you do me. I like it. I like things that fill the mouth properly. Unless Arnie, did you have one? You didn't chime in. Oh, um, I like library face, I don't remember who saw. Uh, department of Homeland Security. All those in favor, raise your right hand.

All those opposed, raise your left hand. You sure? I would. Sorry, I'm an oyster. Um, I don't have a... As a sword, I also don't have a hand. Fair enough. Uh, yeah. You look like a couch As a sword, I also don't have a hand. Fair enough.

You look like a couch for a mouse right now. Well, if I keep my mouth open, sure. You can rest in here. Can I sit for just a second? Absolutely, a car hall. Sitting right on his pearl. No. Look at Banana Man coming sit by Momo. That's the cutest thing I've ever seen!

Banana Man. Oh, I'm sorry me or man I think we're doing a lot of good here guys. I really I feel like hog spaces already fixed I have an issue. I want to bring up. Oh, yes Yeah, let's you know what I'm going to set this agenda ablaze No, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, you know what? I'm going to set this agenda ablaze. Cut it down, cha! Gangs of orphans have been spray painting

used to door secret names all over the town. What? They shouldn't do that. How do they even know them? Apparently they've been listening to this podcast. Oh, well I'm glad that the listenership has started to spread. They just put their earbud to the window while you record. They don't actually listen to the podcast.

Wait a second, I wonder. That probably doesn't even count towards our listener numbers. Those orphans. As long as they use those promotional codes, I don't care. I propose that we find the leader of the orphan. Yeah, he answers yes. Thank you, darling. A challenge to single combat.

And then take our swords and plunge them into him in and out and in and out, and in and out, over and over again, harder, and harder, and harder, and harder, and harder, and harder, and harder, and harder, until they bleed and the blood gets all over all of us, and then we just wipe it down our faces. Jack, that's a terrific idea. But they are orphans, you said? Yes, but like really nasty orphans and big ones too. Yeah, but shouldn't we try to rehabilitate them in some way here?

Perhaps you could teach them to be swords people. Wouldn't that make it harder to challenge them to a duel if they were better at swordplay? Well, they could become soldiers in the library face and help us defeat the Dark Lord, should he ever? You know, I hope I do a lot. in the library face and help us defeat the Dark Lord. Should he ever... You know, a heart attack? A heart attack. Thank you. Maybe along those lines of teaching them,

maybe not swordplay, but maybe we eat a adopt one, raise them up and teach them right from wrong. Mom, I was not ready for that. Well, I can't have children of my own, so I would be interested in that, Jack. Adopting children of our own? Yes. Teaching them the children of our own? Yes. Teaching them the ways of the sword?

I mean, wouldn't it be perfect? We could raise them up, but... I mean, you always said you didn't want kids before we got together. Well, I thought it wasn't possible. Yeah. But you're right, I never even thought of adoption. Well, this is something we should talk about in private.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to distract from library-face of the Department of Homeland Security's business. This is something we should talk about in private. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to distract from library face of the Department of Homeland Security's business. But you know what? Part of making Hogs face better is leading our lives. And I'm excited to hear the Foon's greatest swordsman and his sing sword might adopt a bunch of orphans and turn them into a child army.

There's nothing cuter than being killed by a kid. What cuter than that? I mean, well, there's no cuter way to die. Oh, okay, it's so cute. Wait, I saw Banana Man kill some zombies last week. That was pretty cute. Banana Manana. Mayer Manana.

Sorry, I'm sorry. What about like a dog dressed in human clothes killing you? Oh! Is he on two feet? Yeah, but you can kind of see that he's being held up by like an elaborate police. Yeah, yeah, cut it. What about a puppy and a fake mustache? Oh!

That's very cute. Sometimes I would invite people over to my home, make them sit in front of my table, put a dog behind the table, put my robes and my hat on the dog, then reach through the arms and act like I was feeding myself. They loved watching that. What about a really old couple that are in bathtubs? Hello.

What? Ah, multiple bathtubs. Why would there be more than one bathtops? Separate bathtops. Are you holding hands? They've been sniping hands. They're holding hands. I'm liking it.

They're holding hands between the bathtops. Are they dead? Wait, and they're killed. They killed us. They killed us. Well, they don't kill us. I think the next item on the agenda that I burned up was Arnie gives us more context. You can't see, I'm breathing my shell.

No, let's move on to the next issue. The next issue on the agenda that I would have read had I not burned it and to send us was it's time to take a break. Okay, well I will briefly adjourn this meeting of library faith. Is that the one we went with? Department of Homeland Security. Department of Homeland Security, Department of Homeland Security. All right, and we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back.

Hello, Hogsface. Are you kidding me? Nobody wants to see a play about a series of nine bats. We are sold down for the month of Flambe. That means we have sold zero tickets. Don't worry about the Dark tickets. Don't worry about the Dark Lord, don't worry about enforcement. You're still allowed to see plays. I checked the rules. How come nobody is coming to see a series of bats? Last night was the best show yet, and four people saw it accidentally. and four people saw it accidentally. Alright, we're back. Sorry, I'm still finishing up the salad.

We didn't have to have lunch today, so I'm just... Wait, salad today? Is today tomorrow? Today is tomorrow, and tomorrow is today. And I'm Really just diving in guys. I mean a salad. Just yeah today. It's today tomorrow salad is today I mean a salad you mean business. Yeah, I mean later. I'll probably eat something terrible But I fit in the salad into the day. He's a new you. Yeah, it's speaking of new you chump when the fuck did you turn into a oyster? Oh, I thought I told everyone he was late. Yeah. Well, how do you like being a oyster? It's okay. It's a little hard with no arms or legs or leaner

emotions, but what? You don't have a brain or emotions? Oh, arms or legs. Well, just a gelatinous little belly inside in a pearl. Wow. And I can move my shells together. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, little dance. Do you feel weird not being under the sea? What is that? Life is better down where it's wetter. Well, that's what I always say.

Yeah, well, some people feel that. I'm not going to trust a sword about being underwater, but yeah. Hey, hey, that's my wife. I'm sorry. Wait, why are you racist against swords? You don't think I've ever been under the water? It's buried treasure.

I think you just proposed. He proposed earlier than I said, yes, and then he proposed this plan. Is that why did you bring it married during the break? Mm-hmm. Yes, I'm speaking. I mean, if we're going to adopt a bunch of kids, and then this is how you're introducing it

as a fight with an oyster? Yeah, a prejudiced oyster, apparently. Momo's a member of the Unilateral Church. She conducted the ceremony. Oh, you married them? Mm-hmm. I'm so sorry I was just really into the salad. I missed the whole thing.

I thought everyone would cry and cheer, but no. Momo, do you mind since I missed it just saying a little bit of like what you said while you married these two together. Of course I would love to. Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, And then they say yes and then I guess Momomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomom Hmm, hmm, yeah. Have you ever kissed a sword before? No.

Well, congratulations to you, too. Thank you. Thank you. I feel like the last time I talked to both of you, you were kind of not getting along as well. What turned everything around? I mean, the last time we were on the show, by the time things were over, we were on the mend.

We decided to go out and find a house full of people and kill all of them and we did and since then things have just been a lot better. The power of song really united us and we'll never be divided again. Nothing will divide us. Oh, okay, great, absolutely. I've managed to magically reconstruct the agenda here and I'm skipping a head to the part where there are some open positions in

the town that must be filled. That's right, there's all kinds of things we need to accomplish in the town. That's very true. Is anyone interested in being head of streets and sanitation? You sort of wasn't that your job? That was like your first job. Look, is anyone interested in doing it? I'm bored.

No. No. Fine. anyone interested in doing it? I'm bored. No. No. Fine. I'll keep doing it. Clean up all that secret name all over the wall? No thanks. Yeah, also I had a question. You said they were spraying paint on the walls.

Like, how are these orphans spraying paint? Oh, you take a duck and you fill it with paint and then you squirt the paint from the duck onto the wall. Oh. You ever use a paint duck? I haven't. So satisfying. Oh, sounds.

You shake it, you hear their organs rattle around. Oh. So satisfying. But don't get caught with one. What happens if you get caught with one? I'm gonna get yelled at. Oh. Why, how do you spray paint?

Well, you know what? I couldn't even begin to explain it. At least begin. We'll cut you off, but at least begin. Well, it's like a duck full of paint, but there's also a weird metal ball inside. What's next up? What's the other position? Well, uh, Sheriff. Ooh.

Well, Chant, you're still the leader of the guards, right? Yeah, that would be a great transition for me. It's not quite lateral, you know, there's some gaining of power there. It's usually good to have a separate civilian law enforcement for military law enforcement. When you merge the two together, all kinds of corruption can happen and it soes distrust amongst the people. Yeah, but I mean that's only if you can't trust the people running the town, but while we're under Mayor Manana, everything should be fine.

We used to have a sheriff, but she's been in disguise and frankly we haven't been able to a fight again. She's that good. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Too well disguised. Here, man, he has writing something down. Man, man, man, man. He says, anything goes.

Like, it all the days? Like an old, man. A glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking. Really? But now God knows. Anything goes. That's what he says. So I'll be Sheriff.

I would be happy to serve you as your deputy. No, that'd be, well, Jack, would you be kosher with that? Oh, yeah, I'm a total modern man. I think it's okay for your spouse to have a job, or you also have another job. He wants me to follow my passion. Yeah, I want to make sure that she is able to do everything.

She wants to do while we're raising all of those orphans and into a militia. Great, Sheriff and Dr. Tio taking care of. Have we forgotten that Momo has human strength? No! Can I pick you up for just one second? Do I ever permission to pick you up? Let's see, let's see, let's see, let's see. Ha, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, for library face. Department of Homeland Security. If you're gonna be the share of Chuck and you're gonna have a hiring process

it shouldn't start with, hey, come and sit in my mouth. Oh. Really? Like, that should be a hard, best rule. Thank you. That's a good point. Well, I don't know if Chuck should be the shareer from MoMo now,

but we need to move on to the next position. Put Laureate. Taking it. Jack Warples are put Laureate. All right. Ooh. Jack Warple's a put Laureate, alright. But wait, what about Spurt the Elder? Or is he just the put Laureate of All of Foon? Oh, yes, of All of Foon. He was appointed by a good King Bellaroth.

Oh, so we have our own put Laureate of Hogsface? We do now. Well, we aren't even gonna compete with different poems and have a vote. It does seem like we should have a poem competition. Okay, let's go around and do that. Should we set what the theme of the poems are? Maybe be great to have some poem that celebrates what's great about Hog's face.

It would be great to have that. We'll find I shall look here into my crystal ball and I shall pull the magic word out of the ether, and we shall create poems about financial planning. Yeah, or financial planning. You know what, I'm going to take street and sanitation. She's going to jump. Fine.

I shall go back to the crystal ball, and we shall do poetry talking about time Time oh Singing sword would you mind doing your poem first of course The time takes five minute and hour and time is strong. Time has power for time controls.

Each blink and breath and time will lead us sure to death. And then it just goes on like that. It's very sad. It's a powerful Wow So powerful That was crazy. I mean, I'm gonna subtract a couple of points for it being a song But it was Oh, what? No, it was beautiful

What are you doing as a rap? What? Can I do mine? Oh, of course, John Can I just need to do some vocal warm-ups? Momo, could you come sit in my mouth? Guy, I- What?

Oh, I was- I was- Oh, I was- Oh, I was- Oh, I see. What the fuck? What the fuck? Hello. I was talking to her. I was talking to her. Fine. I'm not alone. I'm not alone. I'm not alone. I'm not alone.

I'm not alone. I'm not alone. Fine. Nope. That's pretty good. The rhyme scheme seemed to be pretty good. Yeah. Yeah.

Check it out. Yeah. Although I gotta say say it looks like there's just a little tiny uh mustard in your more embarrassing for me than it is for him I'm sorry is there anyone else I would care to apply for the rule of podloy I have a poem yeah you're well. Jack Wappel has the table. Time and death come for all. I will kill you, Miller Paul.

Huh. What is it? Direct threat to Paul Miller? Oh, Paul Miller is kind of a dick. Yeah. I vote for Jack. When I was baking, I had some big issues with that guy when he was milling my flower. And I just want him to know that now that I'm on the department of Homeland Security. He's in deep trouble

You know That's an interesting Interesting approach to the role of Port Lloyd to use it to act out personal vengeance and Retribution on your enemies. That's what I'm gonna do with Sheriff. What? Oh no, we're supposed to be doing good. We're supposed to be doing good for Hogs face, not using until like exercise our personal vendettas against people. But it feels so good to exercise personal vendettas.

Mm-hmm. Feels like doing good. I feel it's great. I feel so does it. I guess we're really above and oven here. Can we all take a moment? Can we go around the room and sort of like gauge the level of how much the power is corrupting each of us? I feel like I'm like not corrupted by this power at all.

Well, I don't feel like I'm corrupted by this power except for my hand has turned into pure obsidian. Oh no, use it all. That's not good. No, I think it's fine. I collected extra tax from everyone in the town and brought them all here for you to have extra money. What? Right before I came to this meeting. You just decided to institute a tax on your own? Yeah, I thought that's what the Department of Homeland Security was for.

Okay, that's probably like a seven or eight. I'm always corrupted by whatever power wields me, so this feels like normal. Wow. And Mom has been standing with more confidence. I'm always corrupted by whatever power wields me, so this feels like normal. Ah. And Mama's been standing with more confidence. Like, look at the way Mama leans. Like, look at this. Like, check this out. It went, whoa.

Yeah, yeah, look. Look, and like, I just feel like I'm like moving like water, you know? Yeah. It's more confident. I wish you would stood like that at our wedding. Sorry, it was really nervous during that. And Chantauu corrupted. Well, during the break, I called Cockroach Glen over

and told him to start killing orphans. Oh, what? I just thought to be proactive. I learned it from you, Arnie. But we just found a place for the orphans to be rehabilitated. But not all of them, surely. Jack can't house all the orphans. I just think out the crowd, making it a little easier on him.

I appreciate that. Thank you. I appreciate you, Jack. Thank you. Are any of you ready to be a parent? None of the three of you volunteered to take any of the orphans. Oh, honey, I thought you already were a parent. I already am a parent. You have paternal instincts. Yeah. Take some orphans. There's some orphans. I thought you wanted to do good. There's a lot of room that just are us to do good for you. All right fine if the okay, okay, I will take one orphan. You know what? We should all take one orphan and raise it. I am or the apparent as well. To every man, woman, child, dwarf, man, woman child, dwarf, elf, and other creature that lives here in Foon, I all under my protection day and night, and I tirelessly work to make sure that no evil dust before them. Yeah, but how many like recitals are you seeing?

You know anything? Not many, right? Well, I know it's hard. You know, you're working all the time and you're... Anyone can be a father, but it takes a man to be a dad. Ah, well, well, okay. Fine, fine, fine, I... Excuse me. Yes?

Could I help it over here that you're looking to adopt an orphan? Yes, I need a ward. What parents were smelted? Smelted? They were smelted and then smelted. Ah, smelted? They were smelted and then smelted. Oh, smelted. And then smelted? Yep.

That's terrible. In that order. Who? Who did this to your parents? Who? Delt that smelting? Oh, I believe I might know. I don't want to say his name, but he who

Delt it smelted. Oh, that very dark lord. I shall take you under my wing, and you shall learn from Yusador and become my very sidekick. What is your name? Yeah, what is your name? I'll never been given one. Daddy, could you give me a name?

Fine. Name. Your kid Yusador. Kid Yusador. I'll love it. Very well. See? See how easy it was to adopt a child. Wow. Chunder, you can adopt me? Well, I have mere banana, which is...

Miner-miner. I think is enough, right? Ugh. I mean, mere banana. He's the mayor. He can take care of himself. He can't speak and I brought him to life. I carved him and look, he's taking a little nap right now. He's in this pajamas, he loves this pajamas. I love it.

Mama would take an orphan, but I'm in Tusa Dora's hat and that's no place to raise the hat. I want to take issue with this. I offered you to come stay in my hat. Your hat's too expensive. And two stories said that you'd have no problem with it because you're his best friend. Well, he said that he's your best friend, but you're not his.

Excuse me, Dad. Yes, could you sit on? Can I live in your hat? Of course. I've got nowhere else to go. Here, get in. Yeah. All right, just go.

Yeah. Got my window, right? Now, just got my window right up. Now, whenever you see me, even if you don't hear a kid use it all, note that he's living under my hat. Dad, can I have something else? Yes, what? Can I be in some other fan art? Kid use it all!

Don't pander for it! It's every open stream to be in fan art! Now hold on. Look, we'll see. We'll see. Look, kid, you said, or what are the chances that anyone is going to draw a picture of a wizard with an orphan in his hat sitting next to an oyster, sitting next to a swordsman, a singing sword? And I sleep in banana. A mouse with a strength of a human, me. And a man named Sixties.

What? Right? No, I'm like in my early forties. All right. I thought you were at least 50. What's in the orphan's bindle? I can't use it all. What is in your bindle? Ducks.

Ducks. Have you been spray painting? No, just had to get them on a row. Kid, use it all. Have you been spray painting use it or secret names throughout the town? Wait a minute, I did it! Shh, and I'm sorry!

You sador, can you adopt a child that knows all your secret names? He certainly doesn't know them all. What secret names do you think you know? I'll thank one as disco patison. How did you learn that name? I think one of them is Funkaru. Funkaru, yes, as I know, and the down under. I think one is Lance Panslis.

Now, I rejected that name. I don't care for it. I'm just saying what I heard. Well, I didn't give myself that name. I've heard one of them is two-sadon. No, that is a different person. I heard it's you existing in two places at once. What?

I don't think so. How could a wizard exist in two places at once unless he was canned the wizard? Well, I could do it if I wanted to. I'm just repeating what I heard from Kit Tussador. Twice as a Kit Tussador? Yes. He adopted someone before I did. Yeah, he's a real pip.

Get, get, doosidor is just too much. I'm sorry, say anything, I'll be in my room. Get, get, I could be in two places of unsafe I wanted to. I'm a little worried about kid Tussador, I mean, I'm willing for this podcast to jump the shark with one Corp in, but another one. Oh, should I leave then? Oh, are you kidd, do you see it or?

Oh, well, yeah. That's my name now. What was your name before? I never had a name like kid used to do. No one bothered naming me. Oh. And the count of me just being an orphan. And my parents getting smoted.

Oh, how did your parents get smoted? With the one who dotted, smoted. Oh, the one who dotted, smoted. They dotted on me too much. And so they got smoted by their own devotion. Oh, did you kill them? Is that what you're suggesting? They got real pip, like I said, real pip.

Wow. Oh, Arnie, Arnie, look behind you. There's another orphan. Maybe you can adopt him. Oh, Arnie, Arnie look behind you. There's another orphan. Maybe you can adopt him. Oh, maybe a little boy do you want to be adopted? Hi, I have a name unlike all these other kids. Oh good. My name's Potty. Potty? Potty? Potty? Potty like a bathroom potty? Arnie? No potty like a pot like a flower pod. Oh! Do you like to change that? We've got, we could give you a new name

if you're not wild about that one. I kind of like it, but if you want to change it, it means I'll have a nice warm bed to sleep in and hot baked bread to eat and a dad, not just a father. Oh. And I'll take it. Wow, Patti, you know what, I'm willing to take you in and on a trial basis raising you. I think I might change your name.

I don't want to, I might change your name only because, you know, your name is Patti, and I don't want that to get confused with the podcast that I do, you know what I mean? Like I don't want you competing with the podcast, like look, you're more important than a podcast, but you know, let's, I just don't want to get it confused. Okay, okay, whatever you want.

We also need a comptroller. I don't really know what that is. Oh, potty could probably do it. Potty! Yeah, I mean, I'm good with books. Alright, potty's our comptroller then. I've been running the finances for the orphan gang for a while now. That's impressive. Well, I appreciate it. I beat it.

Wait, are we just bringing all the orphan gangs into the department of homeland security and letting them run hog space? Look, children are our future. That's what I believe. Treat them well and let them run the city. Cut them open and show them all the beauty they possess inside. Hmm. Jack, I'm a little worried about you.

Arnie, can you, uh, I don't, I hate to ask this, can you adopt someone in food? I mean, with your citizenship, are you... Oh, honestly, I'm... I'm a citizen! Err... You said, or you got me that citizenship. Yes, uh, King Bellaroth granted you a special citizenship, uh, uh, uh, uh, wave-out. I have to tell you, when I was going around collecting all those taxes after people said,

I don't want to give the government any more of my money and you're worse than the dark Lord was when he was running the thing, the thing people were saying. Oh, yeah, lots of people were saying that. They said, what's the difference between Arnie and the dark Lord? Everybody said that. Everybody said that. What's the difference between Arnie and the dark Lord? You were like, he didn't even jump through the hoops, you know, and they usually did it. They usually did it like the setup of like, what's the difference between Arnie and the Dark Lord? Or he didn't even jump through the hoops, you know?

And they usually did it to get citizenship. They usually did it like the setup of like what's the difference between Arnie and the Dark Lord? One's hot and the other isn't. What, which one? Well, so I said out, you can extrapolate. I mean, there are a lot of conspiracy theories about where you were actually born. Well, I wasn't born here. I'm from another world. But you got me citizenship, right?

You said, or it's valid. That's sure. It's mostly valid, yes. People are really not into just granted citizenship. They want to know that you did the tests and that you passed the appropriate procedures. And then we care about earning our positions, the way we earned our position to share if and control her.

The way everyone did those poems to become the po'er lawyer. Yes. Stuff like that. I hate that po'er killer. Now, in the same citizenship that you have, uh, used to also bestot upon his cane. You have the same citizenship as that. Well, well, look if there's a test I have to take or some hoops I have to hoop through, I'll do it. To be a valid citizen. That helps.

One, it's a staff. I don't have a cane. Well, it seems like you lean on it pretty heavily. Well, let's get that straightened right out right now. Alright, citizen staff, then. What you must do is learn about the history of food and take a simple test of 500 questions and then give a speech in front of the collected Kings assembly in three months time. Oh better bone up. So I have to take a 500 question test and give a speech and that's it. There are any other things I have to do. You do have to jump through literal hoops. Oh, how? You have to cut some red

tape. Oh, okay. Yes, after your speech you'll jump through the hoops, cut the red tape, and then, uh, wizard, who you don't know, so it can't be me. Uh, we'll have- He's a door, probably. I-with he's not a wizard. Uh, who will cast a spell to see if your intentions are pure and true. Well, okay. My intentions are pure and true, so I'm not worried about that part. Okay. All right. All right, well great.

I'm gonna make Hogs face better. I'm gonna find the weapon at the middle of the tavern. I'm going to become a citizen of Hogs face. I'm gonna defeat the Dark Lord. I'm gonna start season two of offices and bosses. Oh, right. Sure. And I'm gonna find a way to get home to my family.

And I'm gonna raise this little boy that I think I'm gonna call Brad. Not kid, Arnie. Hmm. I mean, look look if I'm not potty I would prefer Arnie Lad actually Arnie Lad like Arnie Lad. Oh, there's nothing cruel Our apparent can do the name their child Arnie. I thought you were named Arnold. It's Arnie Oh look, I'm almost adopting an orphan over there Nice to meet you

Here's my orphan. Hello. Do you like my orphan? Hi everybody. Hi, what's your name? My name is... Ah! It's just kind of a closed mouth scream.

That's the sign my parents made. Well, I'm gonna give you a name. Or a moment, do you want to give it a name? No, I'm not. You can give me a name. So, I'm gonna give you a name. Or a moment, do you wanna give him a name? No, I don't give him a name. So, I'm gonna give you a name. So, that next time something asks you what your name is, you can say my name is Kid Rock. Oh, okay.

Kid Rock. Mm-hmm. I picked the weakest one, to them nice. I was trying to do the right thing. I picked the one, it was just like sick. You know, I made a beeeline to the one that looked sick I heard it when parents talk like they're kidding up there Like I heard all of that

Okay, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay Thank you for the contact. I'm really strong for a mouse. It's okay. It's okay. it's okay, it's okay. How old are you? Me? Yeah. I don't even know. Can you say Shazam? It's magical, right? It's magical, right? How old are you with that reference? It's just a magical word.

Are you part of the greatest generation? No. Well, I like the things, though. We also need a postmaster general. Oh, a... Oh, descend male? Yes, of course. Oh, a... oh, descend male? Yes, of course. Oh, I feel like Momo would be great.

I think we have found that Momo is very slow, but I'm up for it. Well, you... Instead of delivering all the messages yourself, you'd be in charge of all the birds as well. Ooh, I like that. I went to high school with a lot of those birds, and it would be nice to be their boss.

To be their what? Their boss. They were like, I don't...o, what's the pearl it did? Did you get, I got most likely to succeed and Momo got most likely to fall into a lake and have no one notice. Oh. Again, these positions are not meant to act out your vendentus. No, no, no, I got this.

So being part of the bird didn't really show up. Okay. Momo, did you ever end up falling in a lake and anyone noticing? How do you think I got here? No. I felt too alike and no one noticed. I feel like there's more to that story. Ah, hey!

Kid, you stood off. Is there music coming from your hat? Yes, he's playing just damn music again. Kid, you stood off. What? Turn that music down. I'm singing. I'm just singing some songs up here.

Well, you're making a lot of noise. And we're trying to have a meeting right now. I'm sorry for living. I don't want to. Don't put it in. I'll be in my room. Hate me. I'm not good at this.

Shh. Shh. See painting up there. If I come up there, and my hat is covered in paint excuse me for a moment I'm gonna shrink down so I can be inside of my hat I promise But I'm talking to you potty when I say Brad. Oh, yeah, I'm not used to Brad yet. I know, it takes some time, it's all I eat. It's fine.

I'll... You see, he's easy to do this by myself. You're a wizard. Yes, I'm the greatest wizard in all food. I use it all. Wizard of the twelfth realm of Ephesians, master of light and shadow. Maybe I don't match with a wizard. Brad, when he says guess.

Say what? You will about Tussador, he would never do this. Tussador would never do this. He's master of light and shadow. Maybe I don't matter. Brad when he says guess. Say what you will about Tussador, he would never do this. Tussador would never do this. Oh Tussador, Tussador isn't yelling you? He does, he doesn't. Well people are not in the room.

He just, yeah, it was me and me, but not at me. Oh I see. And he lets me play my music as loud as I want. Oh really? Yeah. If you're so great, now come your hand. Is it made of pure obsidian? Because I am corrupted by unspeakable.

There it is. I'm trying to fight the blade. So awkward to just kind of hear them fighting. I'm not really supposed to pretend that I'm down here. I'm sorry, though. Yeah. I'm sorry. I love you.

I love you too, too. I'm sorry. I'm going to go to sleep. I'm going to sleep. And I go back to write those out. I'm gonna go back to my house. Ugh. Ugh, well it works all that out. I think we're all terrible parents, except for me.

Dad, my hands on fire. Oh shit. Brad! Brad! Okay. I decided to be helpful and I got behind the barn. I was cooking. No hands on fire.

Yeah, let me put it out with my obsidian hand. No! Ah! Ah! Oh no! Oh, Brad. Oh, the fire's up. Now my hand has smashed into a million pieces.

Oh, Brad, I'm so sorry, and as your parent, I probably feel this pain worse than you do. Yeah. Let me hit your smash-tand with this healing rock. Let me hit your smash-tand with this healing rock. Oh, guys, have we solved everything in hog space yet? Mayor Manana is writing something. Manana Manana. Says what a fucking mess. What a wise manana.

Maybe he should be the poet, Laurie. Oh, that's where my vote goes. Right, we have to get out of this room because the choirs are hosting in ten minutes. And don't forget that I'm part of the choirs. You're going to come tomorrow or so to- I'm not coming into any damn recital! Ugggh! Well, everybody in library face, thank you so much.

Department of Homeland Security. Okay. Department of Homeland Security, I think, you know, we started a good path to making Hogs face better. I agree. Excuse me. Yes, who's this? We reserved this room.

Oh, okay, we're gonna lose the room. Let's all just crawl into my camera, which we haven't been able to get out of the tavern yet. We'll finish the meeting inside my car. I said it before, I'll say it again. I love what you do for me. All right, sorry. I'm gonna sit behind this steering wheel just because that's...

Shucks him. Alright, sorry. I'm gonna sit behind this steering wheel just because I- Shucks him! Okay, I mean, Chuck, you can sit on top of the dashboard here. Didn't you say the best thing on Earth is to yell Chuck him? It is. Oh, I'm just doing that. Okay, well everybody real quick, we're all I swear we're almost done. Let's just finish up our meeting in my car. Alright, so, I just wanna thank you all again for being part of this council,

and we'll figure out what orphans were raising. But we'll just try to do some good stuff for Hawks face. Thank you so much for having us. Of course, Momo. We're not going to let you down. It feels good to do good, almost as good as stabbing. Yeah, almost. Not quite.

Not quite. Could you guys maybe try to curb stabbing a little bit? I could stab the curb. Oh, okay. Well, let's start with that Great. Chun. Did you get any emails this week? Yes, I did. Let's see here. This is from Martha. Says hello, Chun I was wondering if you could mark it a calendar of your modeling photos for your earth fans I'd love to see those great badger poses and gift them to my boyfriend Adam

He needs more chun in his life, but really who doesn't yours truly Yours truly, Martha. Well, Martha, I hate to tell you, but I'm an oyster. Yeah, I am an oyster now. You could do some oyster poses. Oyster poses. Yeah, that's really hard to say. Open, closed. Moment in my mouth. Come here, Mama. I did. I did get some emails. You can email me of course at Magic Tavern at puppies that supplies it. It continues to be a real email address. Hey Arnie, I don't know if you remember me, but we went to high school together. I didn't remember... Well let's, let's see, I didn't remember you at all, so that's why I said that.

But I need to email everybody, so here we are. Anyway, our 20 year high school reunion is coming up. Someone gave me this email in order to reach you and said you live in FUB now? Did I spell that right? No you did not. Is that in Jersey? No it is not. Anyway, hope you can make it.

Thanks, ragnap. Well, ragnap, jokes on you. My high school reunion would be more than 20 years. Oh yes, probably double that. Well not. Did you have this superlative in high school, like most likely to fall in a lake and have no one notice? Well, most likely to fall through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King and have, you know, some people notice,

but probably not that many people that I went to high school with. And how do you feel like that turned out? You know what? It was dead on. At the time, I was like, what? Did you have to take a picture for the yearbook? For that? Oh, an extra picture? Yeah, just a picture, but you know, but we did a bind to Wendy's.

No one could tell. Yeah, be in. Excuse me, I just wanted to drop off these loaves of bread that I made for the council. Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, council. Oh, miller! Jack, for four. Oh, no!

No! No! Well, well, well, at the very least, this should lead to a few updates for the Wikipedia page. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Shunt the talking Oyster was played by Adel Raphye. Jack Vorpal, Foon's greatest swordsman was played by Sean Kelly. Sean is one of the creators and stars of Improvised Star Trek, a bi-weekly podcast documenting

the voyages of the USS Cicifus. Don't let the bespectacle voice fool you, Sean is surprisingly jacked. The singing sword was played by Erika Elam. You can see Erika grudgingly share the stage with the musical improv group Baby Once Candy, every Saturday at 9 at the second city. Erika will tell you she's a griffin door, but deep down she knows she'll always be a dirty huffle puff. Momo the mouse with human strength was played by Erin Keefe. Check out her sketch show, Her, Saturdays at 8, from February 10th through March 10th at Chicago's CIC Theatre. And Tom, the series of bats, was played by Steve Waltean. Hello from the Magic Tab and is produced by Arty Neekamp, Ryan DeGeorgi, and Evan Jacover. This episode edited by Chris Rathchin. Craig, I'm handing you the baton. Also, please finish these announcements.

Music by Andy Paulin, to logo by Aller Blabon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Gertchels. Hey, Magic Taverns 3-year anniversary is coming up on March 5th, very exciting, which gives you a few weeks to write your congratulatory tweets and why you should be listening to Hello from the Magic Tavern articles for major publications. So I've prepared some sample headlines for those articles. Feel free to use any of these. Say hello to Hello from the Magic Tavern. It's a simple one. Magic Tavern casts a spell with its audio storytelling.

It's pretty good, right? 25 reasons YOU should be listening to Hello from the Magic Tavern. Or three years later, Chicago Podcast refuses to stop making episodes. It's kind of like tongue in cheek sort of. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a podcast with a premise that may confuse you, drop people in. Armillennials listening to enough podcasts, specifically the podcast Hello from the Magic Tavern.

Leave some one anymore. Just some suggestions. Visit Hello from themagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks to the Chicago Podcast co-op, and of course, leave some money more. Just some suggestions. Visit us at aloeformthemagictavarn.com or on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op, and of course, thanks to Ear Wolf. Hey, where's the baton polish? This thing is all tarnished.