Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 47 - Mittens Returns

Episode Date: February 12, 2018

Larry Birdman, the commissioner of the Foon Mittens League, is back with good news about Hogsface’s bid to get a new Mittens team. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungLarry Birdman: Rush HowellMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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hands wrapped around a cheering mug of coffee, or using this broadcast as a cover of white noise while you desperately put everything back where you found it in the house guests room. Because now that you saw, I mean, why else would he have, okay, calm down girl, I've got to clear my mind and get out of here before. Is that a car in the driveway? Anyway, the following podcast is not real. And now, enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arne and E. Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, do not worry. This is everything you need to know. About two years and honestly almost three years ago,

I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago as predicted by my high school yearbook into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional drift, and I use that to upload a podcast, I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, which is now being run by me and my cohorts in the land of Foon. And I'm joined, as always, by my buddy, my co-host and my co-member of library face, Usador the Wizard.

The Department of Homeland Security. The Department of Homeland Security, where we run Hogsface, Usador the Wizard. I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th Realm of EFESIUS Hogsface, use it or the wizard. I am use it or all. Wizard of the 12th realm of a feces master of light, hold on. Go, go, yes, come on. Ah! Ah! Use it or what?

The buzzards are having a terrible season. The Skur buzzards? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Use it or what? We're doing the podcast, this isn't the thing. Well, I'd be watching. Murder the horse. Also, you murdered a horse in the middle of the tavern well it was a bad horse

I only murder the worst horses mm-hmm if you see a horse smoking with a big pipe You know it's bad and those are the ones I kill oh Murder with a big pipe. Yes. How would you smoke? It's complicated you said are we spent almost all of our time in this tavern and looked. Yes, my camera did smash the wall and is still sitting in the middle of the tavern, but don't like kill a horse right next to it. How am I supposed to watch the game? I want to see what's going on in the Middens game.

And frankly, I just need something to cheer me up because I don't know if you've noticed this. But there's this bird next to me that I don't care. Oh, that's right. There's a Starling very close to the table. I don't care for Starlings. You know how much I love birds. And the Starling has like a mayor sash?

What? The Starling is wearing a mayor sash. What? Shurped your motherfuckers. Oh, shunt. You didn't. Sorry, not sorry. I'm a Starling.

Wow, shunt. Last week a starling. Wow shut last week You were an oyster and the week before that you were an ape and you gorilla gorilla. I'm so sorry So sorry, that's make a monkey out of me. I was a gorilla and I'm ape so sorry I don't really entirely know the difference, but I understand that would a bad mistake for me to make but now you're the most despicable shitbird. I'm... Starlings are not shippards, okay? Yes, they are.

Well, I met someone, okay? Look, I'm just... I'm getting older and I feel this anxiety of like I should settle down soon and so I've been going on a lot of dates and... Yeah, usually you're... That leads to some hookups and... Yeah, usually you're in a adorable talking badger

but, John, in the last couple of weeks, you've just been having sex with lots of different animals and turning into lots of different animals Well, I've bit of a minasherie. I admit it But yeah, I'm just looking for the one I guess I'm just yeah, you just been on a real ass man I'm sure that that's what he did in my tracks. That's very hard to hear. Well, I just, you know, I'm just looking for someone. Mr. Mayor, are you doing okay? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I'm just, I want a family, you know, I want, I want someone to go home to every night.

I want someone to talk to about my day. And Arnie, you've been that for a while, but, you know, Oh, we're friends. We're friends, it's not, you know, it's not like that. Mr. Mayor, can you excuse us for a while, but... Oh, friends. Oh, we're friends. It's not, you know. It's not like that. Mr. Mayor, can you excuse us for a moment? Yeah, I'm very torn here. First of all, I respect the office of Mayor.

Oh, sure. Ever since you found that Mayor sash in the Old Mayor's office, you've been very respectful towards it. Mm-hmm. Second, I fucking hate starlings. Oh yeah, now the worst bird. That's like the only thing I know about you. What? Third.

Chunch my friend. Yeah. Sorry I'm going back and forth there. I hate starlings. I like chunch. I respect the office. I don't know what to do. You know what?

What? Two out of three, I'm bad. Two out of three. Ain't bad. Two. Out of three. ain't bad. Two out of three, ain't bad. Two out of three, ain't bad. As Menagerie. As Menagerie. What a fascinating trend of phrase, Arnold.

Never heard such a thing. Two out of three, ain't bad. Now, Chant is two out of three, he ain't bad. Sorry, I came back a little early, sir. That's all right. Arnold has his blown mind mind with his earth wisdom. Chant, is it exhausting to just flap your wings and like hover in front of that microphone?

No, I feel pretty good. I mean, my bones are hollow now, so it's all pretty easy. Feel very light. Brag much. Because my bones are light?, so it's all pretty pretty easy. Feel very light Bragg much because my bones are white. Yeah way to show off He's called me a shit bird seconds ago. Oh, shut. I'm sorry, Mr. Mayor. I'm I must admit I am But all a Kimbo Flabbergasted and I don't know how to respond to you this week. What's this, cuttlebutt? What are you, you're a Stalin, but you're chunned and you're the mayor.

Well, also that reminds me, something mayor Manana would like to continue to be called Mayor Manana. Even though he's no longer mayor. I suppose he did hold the office. It's gonna be very confusing. Just call him mayor, that's what he wants, okay? He's been moping around all day, he's very sullen, he's got all kind of mushy. Sure, I'll call it mayor, manata. Thank you guys, I just don't want to, don't call him an anime.

Okay. And you said, or it's me, it's chant. I know. This is just, you know, this is just skin deep. Look beyond that, huh? Look, you two are gonna have to figure this out because we have a lot of work to do together to run this podcast and to run Hogsface. And look, I wanted to come here and talk about how hard it is for me to raise this new orphan boy Brad who had his hands burned off and then smashed by an obsidian wizard hand, but I don't need to make everything about me.

I fixed that, by the way, and it's Arnylad. Look, he's my orphan, I can call him Brad. Alright, I call him Potty. How is that going? Yeah, it's my orphan, I can call him Brad. Alright, I call him Potty. How is that going? It's confusing. Guys, let's talk to our guest. I'm very excited because one of the most famous and powerful people in all of Phoon is here,

it's Larry Birdman from the Men's League. Hey guys, I apologize and my little late, I was just watching the end of the Skirt Buzzards game. Don't spoil it for me I have a I have a murdered horse over here you've got a good to see you again Arnold and Yusador Lawrence and who is it's Larry? This is this is Chant. Oh wow. I didn't recognize me with the mayor sash. No, I didn't take you for a Starling fucker, but nonetheless good to see you chunt. I Hope everybody's having a having a good time. You're in much better spirits than what I was so I have you know the Starling that I had sex with who's very well known very well now. I won't say who you

sex with who's very well known, very well known. I won't say who. You clearly want to drop the name, so drop it now. No, it's not worth it. How are you, Larry Birdon? Here, I'm going to tell you I'm in a great mode. I got some R&R lately, some rest and rice, and enjoyed both of those quite a bit. During my rest, I did a lot of reading, which I don't normally get time to do, and kind of a busy. Oh, why don't you call that R&R? That's a great point.

I don't know why I don't. Yeah, because you said R&R, then you tacked on another R, which was reading. That's right. And I also relaxed throughout that entire process. So I could call it the four R's. R&R, R&R. Yeah, but then it's just getting too long,

and it's redundant. Redundant, that's a fifth R. That's right. And then that's's yeah. What have you been reading? Well, have you guys read this this one groovy minotaur series by Rook Nasterly? Everybody's been talking about it. It's unbelievable. Oh, yes, I've heard about it, but I haven't had a chance to read it. That's great. It's it's about this groovy minotaur and then each of the subsequent books in the series starts with the next, you know, ordinal number moving up and described it like the second one was two swanky cyclopses and then three Randy sent ours and so forth.

But the main character is this groovy minotaur and he's like a... It's part like hard boiled detective, hard core porn. It's unbelievable. It's... and he's- So many dicks. What's that? Just so many kinds of dicks. Oh yeah.

Detectives and the- The point. Yeah. No, but it's really, the sex is necessary and done in a appropriate way. I guess I would say, but regardless, it's an incredible series of books. So I just finished the fourth one of those.

I've been reading them, been binging on those, and I'm very grateful. And I'm sorry, what was the fourth one again? The fourth one, that's the four chill wood elves. Four chill. Yeah. They're running out of synonyms for Groovy. Sure.

Pretty fast, which was, I don't think, Rook, Nasterly understood how big this series was gonna get. Is Rook nastily like a famous author in Finn? I wasn't until these series came out, but now, but now one of the most famous bird authors in all of Vood. That's who I slept with. What? What?

I slept with Rook nastily. She's a starling. Rook nastily is a starling? Yeah. That's right. A female starling. Wait a second. Is Rook nastily a is a starly. Yeah, that's right. A female starling. Wait a second. Is Rook Nasterly a...

...nom-to-plume? Well, she has a plume. Hmm. She has plumage. He's a bird. I am beside myself. You have slept with this author who has changed her name clearly

from Starling Nasterly to the Rook Nasterly. Eh, eh. I... I respect the office. There. I'm sorry, Laurence. Any spoilers for the upcoming, did you learn anything about the next one in the series? Well, let's just say, at least the title. Let's just say when we get to seven,

we're going to see some swans. All right. But what's going to be the adjective? Seven swans sucking. Oh, mix in it up a little bit. Yeah, that doesn't. It's a little off the hook. I'm not sure you slept with Rooknasturally.

I'm just gonna lay that out right now, just based on one context, glue, which is there's all of the books. It goes an ordinal number, followed by an adjective, followed by a creature, like seven sultry swans, right? If he had said that, then I would have believed it. Maybe Rooknastor Lee said that, but maybe it's a working title.

Good day. Oh, so somebody finds it, they're not like, oh, this is clearly, you know, they're like, what is this? I don't know. If you think about it too, like you're getting cozy with a starling and they're like, hey, I happen to be Rooknastor Lee.

Now, I know what you're thinking. I'm not a Rook. Right, I mean, there's a lot of reasons to think. Now that I'm running it back through my mind, I'm pretty sure you just get duped into ordinary sex. Well, it's still fun to fly. Yeah, sure. But it's great to be back here in Hogsface.

Great news, as I'm sure you're well aware of, but it looks like for sure, Hogsface will be getting a middens team within the year. Realized what what what? Yeah, the good news. The bids are in, there were three qualifying bids from potential owners, so now it's just cutting through the, you know, all of the paperwork and the red tape and we have to vote. It's very clear in my opinion which of the three potential owners

should be allowed to own the team, but you know, people don't usually go with my decision or a logical decision when it comes to mittens, unfortunately. Yeah, well, you know, Yusidor and Chun-Ni have been running hogs face and I guess we didn't know anything about a mittens team coming back to town. Do you need a bird? Yeah, well, if the bird comes onto the field, as you know, it will be disintegrated or caught for seven hours or so.

Oh, that's true. We can't lose a mayor, so. Yeah, you don't want to be anywhere. Stay away. You don't want to be in bird form anywhere near a middens field. Sure, that's true. That's right.

Well, who are the three potential owners? Yeah, I'm sorry that this was a conveyed to you. Certainly should be, and you should have a say as the coterie running this town at this point. But yeah, there's three different ones. First, there's a group that I think is probably the least likely to succeed, and that's, it's just a bunch of hedge funds who have put some money in, you know, their groups that want to build a mid and field with hedges on either side of it and they're willing to fund that. That to me is unlikely.

The ones that I support are Lord and Lady Super Hoot. Oh, the owl owners? Yeah, yeah, that's right. And they like to call the team the Hogs face Hoot Babies. Hmm, well, they've got my vote. Well, the fun name to cheer for. They're terrific. They're basically royalty and food in the sense of they made all of their money saving people's lives and then people just gave them money for how good they are

as people. And then they donated almost all of it to charity. They put in a hard offer, 25 million in gyms and gold. Oh. So that's a lot of gyms and gold. That's right, and that's 5 million more than the asking price for a, for a mittens team. So in my opinion, that's just a cut and dry.

We should give it to the Lord and Lady Super Hoot and Hawksway should be the Hoot babies. Oh, put that in there, Musdie. They said there's a third one still though. That's right. The third one is supported by certain members of the, the Bitton's Confederation and that is it's led by a gentleman named Mysterious Anonymous, almost certainly an evil entity.

Probably. He is willing to put five dollars down, five coins and then all future payments will come via conquered souls, which sounds appalling. Yeah. I mean, I don't even know. It's based on the future, right? Like, who knows if there's even going to conquer these souls and then if he does, why are they worth anything?

Yeah, what are you going to do with these conquered souls? I don't know. It's easy to collect souls or to buy someone's soul. Or to sell a soul or to make concrete soul into grape juice also let's not overlook five coins is a lot less than 25 million right I mean these souls are gonna have to be super valuable to make up that delta let me hold on it's 24 million 999 995 less how does that take your word for?

Yeah, that's correct. Yes, it's not a good deal. Now, who's pushing for them to even be in the race? It seems ridiculous. It seems obvious. That's, I'd say, we're almost evenly divided. It's probably going to come down to one swing vote, one way or the other, and mostly it's

Friends of the Dark Lord who are supporting mysterious anonymous bid and then everyone else is like Why don't we take the 25 million from the extremely nice charitable people? I will say the one thing that makes me interested in this other It makes me interested in this other bid. Is that's a cool name. Mysterious anonymous? Yes, I mean, it makes me want to learn more. Yeah, I don't know. You got to balance out a mysterious

with like a more common last name or an anonymous with a more common first name. Yeah, that's like in one groovy minotaur. The hero's name is Jack Escalator. Oh, I love that. Because it's one regular name and then it's the name of a... A fantastical name. Yes.

Yeah, that's a great name. That's a great name. Oh, you might not know this. Like, say my name was like, Ryan DeGeorgie, I would definitely want to change it to something cool like Jack Escalator. Yeah, Jack Escalator. You might not know this on them, because you'd not as familiar with the game.

But in the game, officers and bosses there is a thing that is an escalator. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It escalates you to another floor in a building. Oh. All you do is stand there and have a stair that moves and lifts you to the very next level. Isn't that incredible? Yeah. Is it some sort of metaphor in the book?

Is Jack Escalator, someone who wants to rise up in the world? I just read a paper, like a child wrote, like a thesis paper on exactly that. I love children's thesis. Yeah, you weigh ahead of it. What about the book? Theses? Is that the plural for that?

Theses? Theses is right. OK. So we have the Hoot Babies, which is the best name. I mean, just coming out of my mouth, I wanted cheer for that all night long. Hoot Babies. Are there names for the other two teams?

Did I miss that? The Hedge Fund, we haven't heard anything so far from them. And then mysterious anonymous wants to call it the Soul Conqueror's, which is... Along the Nose. Yeah, consistent with how they plan to pay. Yes, it's, well I am sorry that you're having this conundrum come across your desk but is there any chance that the deciding

vote is our mayor. I mean I would like that to be. You don't leave that down to a banana? You're the man. Oh yes. Oh yes, yes, yes, sorry. Yeah, I mean, it makes sense to me that you as the leaders of the town of Hogsface have a vote. But again, when it comes to Mittens, what, you know, what makes sense is never what's accepted. Yeah, how does this process work? It's been a long time coming. I'll tell you that because when you want to bring a team

into the league, you have to start with 1,000 submissions So that can take years because usually there's only five to ten that are interested in submitting So you've got to go out and get all these submissions You need 1,000 not submissions, but you know names. Yeah a thousand signatures if you will That say this town needs to have a mittens team So once you get that thousand then you set up a meeting and that meeting is designed to put in place a schedule, and that schedule will design whether or not you're going to have future meetings to decide whether to put a team in a place. The whole thing's taken about two and a half, three years, you have to get moving, but we're almost there.

I had a petition that I tricked people to decide by putting it at the top. This town needs a mittens team, and then over needs a mittens teams. I put needs an anima and then had them sign that because they wanted an anima. They didn't want an emittance team. I go around and go, this town needs an anima. That's a shame. I hope that people... That everyone signed it.

I got all the signatures, but then I didn't have enough money to really be in the bidding war. That was a weird town. Well, if it's up to the mayor, I mean, hands down, I'm voting for the hogshays hoop babies. It would be great to have Lord and Lady Hood baby in town that often be super hoot. She's made Lord and Lady super hoot.

Yeah. I just wish I knew more about this mysterious anonymous person. Like, are they related to beautiful anonymous? What? Have you guys met this beautiful anonymous person? No, I haven't heard of them. Are they related to pse anonymous? What? Have you guys met this beautiful anonymous person? No, I'm hurting though. Are they related to pseudononymous Bosch? Oh, I don't know possibly But beautiful anonymous will just talk to anybody for an hour if someone like talks to them about their problem They'll talk to them for an hour. They can walk away or something. No, really?

They will they'll give someone a straight-up hour and they will just listen. I mean, that's not engaged with compassion for that hour and then they're done. That's gotta get hard. Oh yeah. There's this great character in the second book of the one Groovy Minotaur series named Nick Sigeret. And what he is all about, he's a great listener. And what happens is Jack Escalator is a man of action.

You know what I mean? Like whether it comes to the boardroom or the bedroom. Yeah. And he's almost never in a boardroom. Let's share with that. He's mostly out solving mysteries. Yeah. Rarely, like, one of the books involves the boardroom.

But wherever he is, man of action, Nick Sigeret is a man of processing other people's words and then using that to help Jack escalator. Oh. Oh, the man behind the man. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Oh, interesting. Now, in offices and bosses, there's a thing called a cigar ret. Now, if you see a horse that you know is bad, it's probably smoking a pipe.

But in offices and bosses, they smoke small cylinders of paper. With tobacco in them. Yeah, they're called vapes. Okay. small cylinders of paper with tobacco in them. Yeah, they're called vapes. Okay. Larry, I have a question for you. What will this do to Hogsface? Like aside from who gets to own the team,

how will this change Hogsface to have a team here? Well, it'll be terrific for Hogsface. It'll boost the economy. Well, that's good. On any given weekend or two to four month period, whenever however long a Mittens game takes, you will often have more people in town just to watch the game than otherwise live in the town.

And when those people come, they're gonna buy rainbow bowls, they're gonna look to, you know, by property, they're gonna do all the different things that boost the economy of Hogs face. And so that's a big pitch that we always use at the Mittens' confederation. A lot of people will come here to the tavern

for drinking sustenance and a bed to sleep in. Oh, that's good. It will be very good for you. You miserly old greedy man. Look, that was only for about 15 to 20 minutes. Now, we are going to need the people of hogs faced to pay for the stadium. Why?

Well, because I mean, it wouldn't make sense for the superhoots to not only by the team, but by the stadium as well. I don't understand why anyone would do that. But wouldn't the FML once they've been paid for the franchise, wouldn't they take part of that money to have hadn't built the stadium? Yeah, you might think, but that's not how it works. And instead what happens is the FML takes all of that money, and then we use it for our pleasure.

And then the people who are going to go to the game, they pay for the stadium. All right, this would be a great braining opportunity. Maybe our podcast can buy them a stadium? Think about all the promotion we would get. Think about it now. Get a nuts stadium. Makes sense to me.

In fact, this year, people have started being able to not just observe a mittens game via murdering a horse or the walk-in pop or the magic box, but also via podcasts due to the extreme excitement around getting nuts. Oh, thank you. That's wonderful. Yes, I'm glad we could help raise the art form.

Well, how much of one of these stadiums cost? You know, usually they don't make it more than one game. It just goes bananas out there. So I would say- Please, please, it goes bananas. Mayor, bananas? I'd say it's between two and three million. Per stadium per game? Yeah, that's right.

Guys, I like sports as much as the next person, which I actually not sure. I don't think I know. I don't think I know. I like sports less than the next person. Right, you've never even made any effort to learn about minors. Yeah, I don't like fantasy sports,

and I don't like non-fantasy sports. But that's just a lot of money for the town to shell out for a stadium. But you can afford it. How can I afford it? You're a rich business, bad ones, the familiar minotaur. First of all, I don't even own the vermilion minotaur miserly. I'm just running it while O-Talk is off somewhere.

Where do all that reminds me we've got to go. We've got to go find O-Talk. I'm going to put that on the list of things that I'm going to do. Right, okay, yes. And I'm going to be proactive about it though. I'm not just going to say it, I'm going to do something about it. Today's salad just gonna say it, I'm gonna do something about it. Today's salad. Today's salad.

I mean, where did I last week I had a salad? I saw you. Where did you get all the money to fix up the wall that you drove through to kill all those zombies? Oh, I just hung a sheet and then I painted it like a wall. Oh. That's why I was able to fly through that wall. That's why I'm so cold in here.

In the one groovy minitar series, there's this character who's been missing since the first book. Her name is Sue Shortbread and everybody's looking to get the Shortbread. Sure. And I don't want to spoil it for you, but if you are interested in ways of finding someone that you're looking for, I recommend reading this. It's not, this is not just like good fiction. This is like a how-to when it comes to a man hunt or a female hunt or creature hunt.

Oh, yeah. Well, I would love to read it. I've actually been thinking that I'm going to read another book that you've mentioned last time you were here. The Loneliest Loneliest Son of Lonelie. Oh yeah, by Tom Beggelsworth, the Genesis for the Middens. Yeah, I know when I was at the Dark Lord's house for his birthday

party a couple of months back. He was looking around the place and I looked in his library. He had a whole collection of the whole series and yeah. Oh my god, the whole series. Well, at least the first eight books. Yeah, that's it. That's neat. So I was thinking I was going to read those. Yeah, you know the first eight books. Yeah, that's it. That's neat.

So I was thinking I was going to read those. Yeah, you know, they're OK. I mean, they're the basis for Mittens. The entire description of the game comes from extrapolating information from the books themselves. Even though it doesn't fully explain it, so we sort of had to fill in the gaps a little bit,

which is probably where some of the strangeness of uh... mittens comes like the idea that people sit in uh... seats and watch it yeah we added that part bigglesworth doesn't know anything about sports let's start with that and he invented this sport and uh... my guy it doesn't make any sense just to start with and and you know the rest of the book is it's pretty good Yeah, what is it? What is it about? Yeah, it's a well. There's a guy named lonely

And he's got he's got 11 sons, okay each one born an increasing number of years apart The second time comes for one year after the first two years later the third son three years later the fourth and so forth And so on and so by the time you get to the last son It's like 13 years in between him and his next closest brother. So he's very lonely. And then he always calls himself super lonely. And then he says, the loneliest, loneliest son of lonely, who's Tom Lonely, the protagonist's

father. So he goes off to a boarding school. And in that boarding school, he ends up befriending like a red-headed boy and there's a girl, there's like a bunch of other white children, there's like one Asian, maybe one... Do you have Asians on their? Yeah, we do, although I don't know if it's the same thing, but please don't answer that question. They're kids who are getting older. They're Asian. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's just They're they're aging more quickly than regular kids. Oh, those are agents. Maybe gosh to be fast some of the

might be agent some of the other sections do have There are white people and brown people. Yes. And blue people and orange people and green people. Some pink people. There's some representation, but it takes a little while for it to kick in. Yeah, and so like over the course of, I don't know, eight books, he basically repeatedly saves the world

despite otherwise being kind of hapless. Huh, it's seven books in a play, but yeah, stop it, Settle. I'm gonna read the play. Oh, don't stop there. No, definitely don't stop there. No, no, I'm not gonna start that play. Look, I'm just saying, I'm being proactive and this year I'm going to read eight children's books.

Let's take a quick break and we'll be right back with Larry Berman. So Larry, you know, I don't know how to feel about Mittens coming back to Hogs phase. I don't want to be a spoil sport, but It's just so much money for the town to pay for. Maybe who can get the super hoots to pay for the stadium? That's Lord and Lady's super hoot to you. Yeah, it's possible. I mean, they are without a doubt the most generous, beloved couple that I can think of in all the food.

Yes, you're very lucky to have met them. Oh, yeah. They are seedlingly polite. How are they? Oh, yes, I was just going to ask, how are they in person? Are they as charming as they seem when you watch them on a pop-a-lock? Well, it's interesting, because there's a real dichotomy there. Who?

Because Arnie, you may not be aware of this, but Lord and Lady Superhoot are what's called an albeir. They have the body of a bear in the head of an owl. The whole. But they also were touched by some sort of magic that allows them to be completely sentient, more or less like a human in their ability to interact with others. So the interesting dichotomy is they couldn't be more friendly and then they sit you down at dinner and then they just ravage like an entire deer right in front of you just absolutely

disgusting. They go to town on that deer. Well, they can't help the way they eat. It's just the way they are. Right? Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, I don't hold it against them. Oh, good. I love them.

I'm just saying, it's quite, it's an odd. You know, you're in there. You go to shake their hands. Yes. They mean to just shake it lightly. And they're just so powerful, they just throw you right to the ground. And then once you hit the ground, one them may try to you know devour you.

Oh sure. And then the other one you know will stop them before that occurs. At least I was fortunate in that respect. That is fortunate. Am I correct in hearing through the grapevine that they cannot conceive? Is that maybe why they want to call the team the hoop babies? It's a sore subject but that's exactly right. It turns out albeirs normally pretty easily can conceive,

but they can't. And they've done like six or eight rounds of IVF. And I'm sorry, what is IVF? Take some IV. Pull it off a wall and you eff it. To try and help making more fertile fertile because plants are very fertile. Oh, she's kind of yeah, that Well the way that out there copulates man I hate to go into details if you don't want them but please they

They ejaculate their semen into a plant of some sort and then the other one rubs against that plant Okay, and then eventually via osmosis, it settles into them and they're able to spawn another out there. Wait, so someone can get pregnant from that? Well, another out there. Oh, okay, but not humans. That's, have you,

have you been in, wait, what's going on? Nothing, I'm just learning. I'm just interviewing. Have you been in the cum gardens? Who that's this? And where is this? Oh great, the Starlinger is disgusted with my behavior. I'm sorry, the badger who fucked up gorilla fucked up clam.

Oyster, oyster, sorry. I was like, really, I had sex with an oyster. I was like, I'm sure it's good. And to say fuck is, to cheapen it. I'm sorry. These were meaningful nights of my life.

How would a gorilla make love to a clam? I don't know. How did you get there? I didn't make love to a clam. I made love to an oyster. Oh, you're right. There's a difference. That reminds me of a great scene in the third book

in the One Groovy Minotaur series, where escalator goes to town with seafood buffet. With a whole buffet? That's right, but as part of the orgy, he ends up stumbling upon a clue that allows him to solve the crime of the chill wood elves. Actually, I already had this scene in the book spoiled for me, and I heard that he went to the cheaper buffet,

not the fee-a buffet, but the fee-b buffet. That's right. Use the door. Yes. Did you get bitten by one of those zombies? Yes! Yes! Oh, that's right.

Yep, no, no, no, no, we knew that. And I have an obsidian hand of pure evil. Oh, that's right. Oh, look, it's going up my arm. You know, this can't... That'll probably result inside. It's like it'd be pretty useful as a h I'm going to be quite used to this. I'm going to be quite used to this. I'm going to be quite used to this.

I'm going to be quite used to this. I'm going to be quite used to this. I'm going to be quite used to this. I'm going to be quite used to this. I'm going to be quite used to this. I'm going to be quite used to this. I'm going to be quite used to this. I'm going to be quite used to this.

I'm going to be quite used to this. I'm going to be quite used to this. You're gonna need a basket, you're gonna need a quarterback, 19 hillsman and 10 misaligners. Oh wow. What's the coolest position? I guess I don't think I've ever asked this like what's the coolest position to play? Look this hurts me to say because I was a Baskin and a famous Baskin, but I've always been a little jealous of the quarterback. Really? Yeah, I think the quarterback is a very exciting position. What makes it so cool? Just that you know the bask in you have so many different things that you have to do. Yeah hundreds of things. Whereas the quarterback you know you get to kind of survey the whole field, determine what needs to be done, sit down, type out a telegram, have the telegram then put into firework displays. There's the only way you're allowed to communicate with your teammates. You probably don't know this Having not gone to a minute game, but you can't you know yell or scream out plays

So you have to you have to get them to the quarterback He types them into a telegram turned into fireworks shot in the air You read the code and I just have always thought that's pretty neat That is pretty cool Mr. Burden You make a very good point. It is a shame that Arnold has not yet seen a mitten's game, and I think we should add to Arnold's list of things to do. Taking him to a mitten's game. You're going to read eight children's books this year,

and you're going to go to a mitten's game. Well, yeah, and I'm going to defeat the Void, the Dark Lord, make Hogs face better, start season two of offices, bosses, get back to my wife and child, raise this orphan child Brad. I'm sure I'm forgetting some other things. start season two of office and bosses. Right. Get back to my wife and child, raise this orphan child, Brad. I'm sure I'm forgetting some other thing. I'm glad.

That's Brad. Save O-Talk. Save O-Talk. Oh, Brad. We gotta save O-Talk. If he's alive, which I'm sure he is. Probably. But yeah, I'd love to see a Mittens game.

And you know what? I'd love to see a Mittens game here in Hogs face. Oh, that's what I wanted to hear. It's excites me to tell you that I have been accredited by the Confederation to come and allow you, as the triumvirate leaders of Hogsface, one spot on the voting commission to determine A, whether there will be Mitten's in Hogsface, and B, if so, who shall be the owner of the Mittens team. I mean, you know what my vote is because I as the mayor already pronounced it, but what do you think? It has to be Lord and Lady Super Hoot! Yeah, unless we can use this as a way to lure

mysterious anonymous onto the podcast. Oh and figure out who this person is. He makes a good point. Unless, of course, as just a name, mysterious Anonymous, and they are neither mysterious nor anonymous, they just seem that way because we don't know anything about them. What if instead of giving the team to mysterious Anonymous? Outright! We demand that they all appear here before us to make their case. That way we get to meet Lord and Lady Superhoot, which would be a delight for me.

And we get to meet mysterious anonymous and suss out his true purpose, or hose, or its, and we'll meet the hedge fund people and discover what evil plants they wish to plant. Am I the one who loves saying who babies? It is fun to say. Who babies is a wonderful name. Yeah, the cheers just right themselves. I like your idea. It reminds me in three Randy Centars,

which is the third in the one Groovy Minotaur series. There's this great scene, and I hate to spoil it, but I'm going to. Oh, that's right. Where Jack Escalator, who's kind of nemesis, is this guy named Nat Shandelier. And Nat Shandelier has got all these designs on basically destroying Jack Escalator and all of Jack Escalator's kind of compatriots.

Nick Sigeret? Yeah. nixigaret for one absolutely and so what he does what jack escalator does at the suggestion of betsy typewriter who is the only match for jack escalator in terms of both wits and just sexual capacity and capacity

yet just stamina it's amazing it's the some of these scenes are... They jump off the page. So there's this scene where Betsy and Jack get together and they set up this plan where they bring in Nat Chandelier knowing the one thing that he truly wants, which I won't spoil. And they set up this whole thing where if he comes and reveals himself he'll give away his dashedly plans and I don't want to tell you

because it's the second climax of three Randy Centars but it is worth the read. I must read these books. Yeah. I'm gonna get these books and how many. And how many climaxes are in that book? Yeah, I'm gonna get these books and how many, how many climaxes are in that book? At least two dozen in in every one of the books. Wow, that's a lot of climaxes we've had. Oh for Arnold's sake. A typewriter is a machine that writes a letter and a chandelier is a living fireball made out of gems that lives on your ceiling. And a climax is when you're having sex and someone is satisfied. Oh, yeah, never climax is when you're having sex and someone is satisfied. Oh, yeah, never. Well, Larry, I'm very excited for our plan moving forward to bring Mittens back to

Hawks face. Me too. I can't wait. I've always saw the Hawks face as a great Mittens city and a great Mittens town and a great Mittens community. And it's really pain to me that you lost the team, you know, following the destruction of flower and all that a couple years ago.

Oh, my bad. So I guess I know the way I do the city of Hogs face millions and millions of golden gems. Mm-hmm. Which I don't have, but. Because you know what it does. So miserly. The super hoods.

Oh, I can't wait to meet them. I'm excited for this plan. But you know what else I'm excited about? Chump, do you have any emails? Uh, yeah, I got an email here. You can email me always at chuntatgmail.com. I'm excited for this plan, but you know what else I'm excited about? Chant, do you have any emails? Uh, yeah, I got an email here. You can email me always at chant at gmail.com, that's chant with six teas. Um, this is from Diana. Diana says, hey, Chant,

I don't know if you know about Netflix from Arnie, but there's a show on it called Bright starring Will Smith, and it is Up Your Alley. Will Smith what? Will Smith what? Arnie, what is Smith gonna do? What are they asking he will do? Will Smith, I mean probably to get Jiggy with it?

All right. Smith sounds pretty cool. On the show there's a Dark Lord and a whole bunch of Orcs, Elves, Ferries, et cetera. I wonder if this show is a documentary as well. As always, thanks for making my day with your podcast, Diana. What is Netflix?

Netflix, it's just like, it's like Mittens, you know? It's just like a reason to live. It's a sport? No, it's just like a thing to watch, and just kind of, and it just keeps going endlessly. Can I murder a horse to see it? I don't know, you could try. I mean, there's any number of things

I would love to see on Netflix, so if, well, no, don't murder a horse for me though I will. It's not it's not worth it. It's not worth a horse Oh, no, you Siddore Clearly, no horse I slitted from here to here More dead killed a horse. How kid-

I'm so proud of him. He's gonna learn it from watching you. I'm gonna learn to kill a horse myself. That's the whole point of having to try it. I'm gonna have a weird echo situation going on with this kid. One of Ma'am's dead secret names is Pasta Cortez. That's how the Italians know me. The Italians?

Yes. An Italianma. Well, anyway, you can also email me at Magic Tavern at puppies that supplies. It's real email address. And you know, one of the things I'm trying to be proactive about this year is defeating the void and finding the secret weapon and the tavern which we use the podcast to get help from you, the listeners on earth. So we've been trying to figure out this painting of Otox Father, Derby.

It's a painting of a dead Derby. And some people on Twitter have been trying to send me their ideas on what it might mean. At Andy R-O-F-L-Z-Z, wrote Derby is probably code for Arby's. Have you tried asking there? And then he tweeted again later, update went to Arby's, they knew nothing,

fries were okay. You can also contact me on Twitter. At Yusodore the Blue. At Charlene 519 tweeted at us, my cabbage patch doll I've had since I was 5 is named Darby. Yeah I don't know. People on earth are supposed to help us sort of figure some of this out. At Nation of Lee tweeted Terrence Trent dot dot dot question mark.

Look, the only person that seems to have something helpful is the same person that helped us out with the clue behind the Burger King. Is it Smith? Will Smith help us out? Will Smith help us out? Someday, I hope Smith will help us out. Smith, if you're listening, please help us out. But we did get some help from At Mess Girl

who sent me an image from Google Maps. There's a place in the UK called Darby End. And the Darby in that painting has come to his end. Yeah, he's dead. And let me read this here from Wikipedia, which is also in this image that she tweeted at us. Darby End Halt was a station on the former great Western Railways, Bumblehole Line.

So I guess Darby End is a place below Bumblehole? Oh, there's a picture of Bumble, too, right? Yeah, I thought that name sounded familiar. Bumble, who's Bumble? A blemish's father. Bumblehole, butthole? Blemish's father's butthole died, and that's eventually what killed him, right? Right,'s butthole died, and that's eventually what killed him, right?

Right, his butthole died, and that's what killed him. And we have that painting of Bunch's father's butthole, right? Oh, yes. It's one of my favorites. Right. It's one of your favorites? Yeah, I like it. Okay, well, let's try putting the painting above the derby painting. No, okay. Uh, yes, I put it right behind you, so you don't have to look at it and I can see it. Try putting the painting above the derby painting. Okay. Yes, I put it right behind you so you don't have to look at it and I can see it. Oh, that's what's been behind me this whole time?

Hey, yes. It gives me quite a laugh. That's why I like it. Here, now if you hang it up above, oh, there. Oh, what's the wall it's shifting, moving about, opening up? Oh And inside what's be this? This is one of the rarest artifacts you can find a

Magical trap an astral trap. Astral trap. This trap. We cannot Yes, astral trap that this trap It doesn't just trap a person or a creature. It can draw in a creature across the dimension and trap them within it Mysterious what was his name anonymous its name let's catch mysterious synonymous, but he's in this dimension, right? Yeah, well would work on him too, but with this very trap we could capture a creature from another dimension like Perhaps the void although it might not be big enough for the void. I know not or

The trans-dimensional delivery man or yeah, we could also catch that guy Craig the Kennedy Space Center told us about Or was it Greg? Greg in space? Greg or Craig? Greg and Craig. I still think they were trying to get in touch with Radio Lab. Could be. Well, I'm glad that we found this airstrap. If it has unlimited uses, if you could get Dick Wizardry in here,

I'd appreciate that too. I'll do my best. Yeah, he bolted into another dimension to get out of the fact that he's been killing my wives and trying to frame me for it. Wow, what a dick. Yeah, we haven't heard about your rival in a while, so he escaped to another dimension. Yeah, it finally came out much to my pleasure that indeed he was super guilty of framing

me. In fact, he kept a diary writing all of it down and then that got found by... Anyway, it was a... It was a... It was a jury found him super guilty? He was, he was found super guilty. And just at that moment, PAP, gone.

Into a different dimension. Do you know what dimension he went to? I think it's, I'm not sure. It's whatever it is, it's probably the worst one. It's probably the dimension that most favors, like, just ass bags who have coasted on talent without working hard and then frame people that they're used to be friends with. So if there's a specific dimension for that, that's where Dick Wizardries is at. It could be the one with the sharks that have nice breasts.

Oh, probably. That sounds about right. Oh, but look, where the derby painting used to be? There's a bunch of ruins and texts guys Another clue are we excited for another clue sure Okay, I think it on the bottom it says Wakes and it's kind of dusty above What is it above here? V E

R T E Above here, V-E-R-T-E-R-R-I-L-A-X. Vertila-nix? Vertila-x? Vertila-x, wakes. And beneath it is just a keypad with numbers on it. A keypad. What just a keypad with numbers on it. A keypad. What is a keypad? It's just like a bunch of numbers that you push.

That's how stupid. For tarolacks, wakes. There, I'll push all the numbers. I've got it. Yeah? No, Arnie Holds still I've got it. There's a piece of ivy with come on and stuck to your back. Oh, that's not mine.

For tarolacks. A tarilex. A tarilex, how do I know that name? Sounds like Spentax. Sounds familiar to me too. So that's Spentax's dad? I must spend some time studying these runes upon the wall and upon this airstrap. See, isn't that a good name for it?

That's pretty good. But on time, I shall unlock both of their secrets. I think if you just tap that astrap you'll figure it out. Yes. Nothing yet. Lacey astrap is one of the great characters in the fourth book. I've got to read these books. Well, when Bumblehole starts trending on Twitter, don't come crying to me.

Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young, bringing his usual... Ugh. Chant the Starling was played by Adel Raphye. Larry Birdman, Commissioner of the Foon Mittens League, was played by special guest Rush Howell. Hello from the Magic Tavenish produced by Arnie Neacamp, Jack Escalator and Evan Jacover. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Well, look who's finally out of the shower, where I can only assume he was acting out the entirety of Tinker Tailor Soldier's spy.

Craig cared to join in the fun while I fire up the electron microscope to see how much hot water is left. Sorry, I fell asleep in there. Let's see. Music by Andy Poland, logo by Aller Leban, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at alofromthemagictaburn.com or on Facebook or Twitter or on Reddit. You can chat about the show at rslashmagictavern or rslashyearwolf or really anywhere now that

I think about it. I mean, hop over to rslashriver to let those guys know who really started the trend of playfully murderous fantasy protagonists. You know? Well, thanks for the Shoggle Podcasts, go up and thanks to Earwolf. See you next week!