Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 50 - Reply All Wizards

Episode Date: March 12, 2018

The secrets of the multiverse may be may be discovered by reporter Alex Goldman after he places a call to a mysterious green wizard.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungAlex Goldman: Alex GoldmanSpintax: Charlie McCrackenPJ Vogt: PJ VogtMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandReply All Music: Break Master CylinderMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzSpecial Thanks: Brett Morris and Josh RichmondYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early, and ad-free on Wondering Plus. Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts.

And so, Trisha's tutelage begins. So, Trisha, the top of each show is straightforward. We lie to the listeners and frame the show as a slobily assembled improv comedy podcast. Instead of the trans-dimensional disturbance, it really is. Okay, yeah, but what caused this trans-dimensional disturbance in the first place? Do you know how the barrier between dimensions got weakened? And also, um, who are you exactly and can you be killed? Patience, Trisha, we normally save the space bunker art for the outro

when people are waiting for a red light to turn us off. You're new, though, it's understandable. Podcast emergency, podcast emergency! Craig, you are introducing a third voice into this intro section. I intercepted another podcast reporting on the existence of other dimensions, one that has a lot more listeners than this one. So more than 35? Craig, there's an Earth-saying I can't even.

Well, at this moment, I too cannot even. While we unpack the ramifications of this, let's get to the episode. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host, Arnee Neekcamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, don't worry. This is everything you need to know. About three years and one week ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal. From the Burger King, through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast, I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of fune. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, my good bud, chunk, the talking badger.

Oh yeah, baby. How you doing, bud? I'm doing great. I'm a shapeshifter, PS. Oh, that's right. You are a shapeshifter. Who is usually a bad You're all the reason why you've been a number of things Hulk the whole

Managerie a whole cavalcade obviously you do you but I gotta say I'm a little worried about you that you've been just changing Forms so much so fast. Yeah, I'm just looking for myself Hmm it's either this or drink, but you've been doing both Yeah, well. Party time. I'm also joined by my other co-host, Yusador the Wizard. Oh, I'm Yusador, Wizard of the 12th Real, Muffizias, Master of Light and Shadow,

Minipulator of Match with the Lights. A devour of chaos, chabbing of the Great Halls of Trockus, the elves, Nubis Vyingel, Elected Dwarves, Nubis, Zodyn and Nukes, Stinges. And I am new to the Northeast, this guest, this is me, Star. I'm gonna be over at the bar, having a drink. You sort of look...

I've had this guest on so many topics. I know, but he's one of our... It's not interesting anymore. Please, one of our best guests. Some of our most classic episodes have been with Fizzle Von Pizzle, which... The unicorn dentist. I... It'll be been there, done that.

I'll be at the bar. Excuse me, I'm gonna be at the bar. I do feel like we lean on Fizzle pretty hard. Well, I know we've had him on a bunch of times, and we've gotten almost no fan mail about him. Yeah, or fan art. Yeah, or tweets as far as I can tell. Maybe that's a signifier that we've had him on too much. Hey, hey, hey, hey, we have.

Hey, it's time to call it a night. Also, there's kind of rude of for us to be saying all this right in front of Fizzle. Woo! Craig, what the purgatory? We don't interrupt the podcast mid-flow. I'm sorry, but you have to hear this. Another podcast on Earth found out about the magical world of fune and the reporting on it with some actual rigor and thoughtfulness. Good God. All right, proceed. From Gimlet, this is Replyall. I'm Alex Goldman. PJ vote is in Thailand this week.

So a couple of weeks ago, I was doing what I always do, which is sitting around trying to find the weirdest, darkest corner of the internet. I started going on the old UZNet news groups just to see if I could find anything interesting. And I found one called alt.foon.spellcasters. And there is this bizarre posting from a guy who claimed he could open portals to other dimensions using the rendered fat of children. So naturally, I wanted to give the guy a call and just say, um, is that legal?

And have you ever tried it? I am spin tax the green. Who's calling? Uh, high spin tax. My name's Alex Goldman. I'm a reporter in New York City. I work for a podcast called Reply All. And um, we do start.

Are you in fact a gold man? Uh, no, no. I knew of one once. Uh, tell me more. Of a gold man? Yes, please. He protected the village. Okay.

All the wealthiest goblins of Foon. Put together all of their gold coins, meld them into a man, put within his mouth, a parchment, saying, please, protect us. He came to life and so did protect that village. Um, so I have a rule for our show where like, I try not to put people on the radio who I think are nuts, and you sound, I'm like, worried that you might be a little nuts.

Oh, well, allow me to assuage your fears by listing my credits. I am the master of the third, ninth, and twelfth realms of Ephesius, wielder of arcane forces compelling the living and the dead, diviner of unknowable truths, cast of illusions, destroyer of lies, dissolver of the wall of fire. I've been bived all nine deadly poisons, I've written the Pandanomicon, and I've won the Wizard Choice Award. Oh, well, I didn't realize that you had such incredible Bonafide's. I retract my statement.

So how did you get involved in posting on all that Fune.Spelcasters? I mean, honestly, it seems like it's just you on there. It has forever been my goal since my advent into the world of Earth to win the internet. So I started small. And did you get any bigger? since my advent into the world of earth to win the internet. So I started small and did you get any bigger? I've grown much larger. How large have you gotten? I've been as many as 40 feet tall. 40 feet tall and I've been as small as a teacup. What are the circumstances by which you would be 40 feet tall? If I'm fighting something that may be 30 feet tall or fewer, I would make myself bigger than them by at least 10 feet.

So can you actually open portal to other dimensions? But of course I've done so, that's how I travel to your realm of earth. Yeah, that's true, that's true. Do you have other magic that I should know about? I have more magic than you could dream. I know that your magic is powered by truth and lies. Correct. Have you told me any lies during the course of this conversation that have power

in the magic? They are indesiferable from the truths. That is why I'm the master of both. I make lies true. I make truths lies. They're in lies my power. I guess so. But the other thing is like every statement that a person makes is either a truth or a lie.

So your magic must be incredibly powerful. Yes. that a person makes is either a truth or a lie, so your magic must be incredibly powerful. Yes. So, Spindex, I'm curious. I know that we're on a pretty dodgy phone line, but I'm wondering, is there any way for you to show me some of your magic? I know that you're pretty far from here. You demand a demonstration. Certainly. Close your eyes. Clear your mind. Invision the moon. And inside that moon, picture the face of a coyote. Now, listen to my words. Rashami Rakhbaik Mirin.

Jum noriq to Harris-Murray. Now check your left front pocket. OK. You'll find a parchment inside, on which I have drawn. Moray, now check your left front pocket. Okay. You'll find a parchment inside, on which I have drawn... the bust of Titania from memory. Heh, very impressive. Okay, I'm totally convinced because there were no busts in my pocket before just now. So, I'm sorry I ever doubted you, I want to make that very clear. Apology accepted. I'm curious if you can ever doubted you, I want to make that very clear. Apology accepted.

I'm curious if you can tell me how you got into Wizardry. I was born a wizard. I was the answer to a riddle I won't go into it. But I came fully formed into the land of Foon. A green wizard, just like my compatriot, Yusador the Blue, who lungors back in Foon, probably making a fool of himself. Why a fool of himself?

That's his nature. Sounds like you've got a pretty low opinion of this guy. What's his name? Yousador? Yousador the blue. So what are the colors that signify your green, he's blue? Correct. There's can the wizard, he's yellow, genleivia, of course, she's red.

You can think of a color, that's a wizard. Think of any color. Name a color. What about patterns like like plaid? Those are an abomination. It is my solemn goal. If I ever should return to fune to wipe out all patterned wizards, all polka dots, all plaids, all gingham wizards. What's the what's the matter with them? Their magics are across purposes. I see. I'm the master of truth and lies. Can is the master of time and space.

You can't be the master of space and lies. That doesn't make sense. So, spin-tax, if you're from Foon, what are you doing on Earth? I'm glad you asked goldman. Two years ago, I forced myself through the portal behind the Burger King in Chicago to accomplish a mission. It is my duty, my quest to stop the encroaching void that is a danger to all realities. It is eating my home world of food in cell soon, devour the earth as well.

I came to earth on a mission to find a young child, Penelope, Penelope, so that I could make her believe in magic, which is the only thing that could stop the encroaching void. I have so many questions for you right now. Well let me answer a lot of them. She's dead. Uh, you know what? That does answer a lot of my questions. But what is the void? The void is a vast nothingness. Okay, could you be any more specific? Because I know that's what a void is.

Fine. Sure, if you want to get semantic about it, the void is a sentient nothingness that wishes nothing more than to discreate all that man and beast and mystical creatures have created in the world. Has it begun to consume Earth yet? I mean, I haven't seen any sign of it. Oh, there are people, individuals who are virtually disappeared from this world.

When is the last time you've seen Morgan Fairchild? Is Morgan Fairchild still alive? Good question, not if she's encountered the encroaching void. All right, so, okay, fair enough. But, okay, so the only person, the child that could have stopped the void is Penelope. Yes, it found its way into Earth and Reality, into all realities, from her disbelief in magic. That nothingness, that spark of sadness in that child,

let the encroaching void in to reality in a sense spread throughout all realities. And now she's dead. She's been dead. Her tombstone says she died in 2012. So if that's the case, is there any way to stop it? Well, I tried my best. What should I be doing to prepare for this? For the encroaching void? I mean, is there anything that I can do to prevent it, slow it's spread? Should I just be, you know, enjoying the time I have before I'm consumed by nothingness? Let me answer that with two answers, one's the truth and one's a lie. Okay. The standard answer that I'd like to give is the best thing that you can do is create,

create as much as you can, whether it's good or bad, create art, create songs, create kickball leagues with your friends, whatever you can bring into being, that will stave off the encroaching void, the more that there is to consume, the slower the void will encroach. Got it. The other answer is nothing. There's nothing you can do. But pray that I am successful in my quest. Okay, so what are you trying to do to stop it?

Well, I did reanimate her corpse. I brought her back to life as a compiler of living and dead. I made her claw her way out of her own grave. And I said to her, you're alive! That's magic! Get it? That's very magic. But what is she gonna do to stop this? Well, I assumed a demonstration of my power, as I demonstrated to you, bringing her back to life, would make her believe in magic. And so, and the threat of the encroaching void. But it did not work. Okay.

She died an old lady. She was no longer a child. Wait a second. Your timeline's really confusing. She died in 2012. You brought her back from the dead. And then she lived to be an old lady in the intervening six years. Oh no.

Let me clarify for you, gold man. Penelope Penelope was born in 1941. Oh. She died in 2012. I did not come to earth until years later. I was too late. I see. I see. The only thing that we'll do is that I travel back in time. To when she was alive and a child, and then I shall teach her magic. So in the meantime, you're just doing interviews

with podcasters who happen to contact you sort of randomly on the internet. I'm really getting into Hollywood life. I've got plenty of time. As long as I'm going to have to learn to travel back in time, I may as well enjoy myself until the very last moment. I get it. So you are going to wait until the very moment that the Earth will be finally and inexorably

consumed by the void, and then you're going to go back in time and fix everything? You have nailed it. That's pretty smart. That's pretty smart. Such as the luxury of time travel. As someone who can't time travel though, I have to admit that I'm grappling with the information you've just given me. How so? What is your problem, gold man?

Well, I'm gonna be consumed, I'm gonna be discreated, as you said, by nothingness. Trust me, you won't feel a thing. It's not so much not feeling a thing as, you know, being discreated. I'd like for that to happen naturally, if possible. Well, that is my goal, as well. That when I flip myself back in time, demonstrate my power to that young girl.

You shall be undiscreated in the present. But first you're gonna let me get discreated, because you going back in time isn't gonna stop my discreation, it's gonna happen. But then you're going to undo it by doing something in the past. The side effects once you are recreated will be nothing more than horrendous nightmares for the rest of your days. I have to admit, it seems a little inconsiderate. What care I, a wizard, for the comfort of men? I'm here to stop the discreation. While I have you, gold man, maybe you can answer some questions of mine.

This seems like it's a good opportunity for us to do our Super Tech Support segment. Super Tech Support is of course the segment on the show where people come to us with problems that just seem too big for them to solve. And I do my best to try and sometimes fail to solve them. How do I get a smartphone? Have you ever been to the mall? The mall? I live up in the hills. Hmm.

Look, I don't know Hollywood very well, so I'm not gonna be able to help you too much with this. But there's gotta be a mall somewhere. It's like a giant, it's like a big sort of square. Lots of people going in and out, big parking lots. They definitely have a store where you can pick up a smartphone. You might really like it there. There's like all kinds of stuff.

You could go to like Brooks Brothers or, you know. This is a purchase. This is something I have to buy. Is there a contract? Yes, there is a contract. But I don't, I imagine that contracts in Foon like are for, you know, souls or essences, things like that. This is just for money.

Money. Well, do you have a job? I'm a consulting producer on season 13 of Supernatural. Okay, well, yeah. They don't use a lot of my ideas. I'm sticking with my best one. I pitch it first every time Sam and Dean are in trouble. With the King of hell or Lucifer or whoever. I say, what if they meet a wizard, a green wizard? Right? He can solve all their problems.

He knows a lot of stuff. Have they ever met a wizard? No, they only have witches. They have male witches. Can you believe it? What's the deal with witches and wizards in, in, in, in food? Cause I, I thought that the male corollary of a witch was a warlock. Is there a female corollary of a wizard?

Is it just another wizard? Wizard-ass? No, that's just wizards. Wizards are wizards. Gotcha. We're pan-gendered. Pan-gendered. Correct.

By choice. So all the, all the genders. Absolutely. Now, are you saying that you yourself are pan-gendered. Correct. By choice. So all the-all the genders. Absolutely. Now, are you saying that you yourself are pan-gendered? At the moment, yes. What does that mean? I can choose. I am a being of pure magic.

I can choose my gender, or to be non-gendered, or to be all gendered, or to be two or three genders at a time. Sometimes I switch them up. I can be half gendered. And is there any logistical purpose for this? Or is it just your mood down any given day? Hey, it's fun at a party. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- account? Really? Yes, and I'm very concerned with what I read on Twitter. I'd be concerned with when I read on Twitter too if I read you. I have trouble

distinguishing what's real and what's not. What's truth and what's lies? Well, first of all, it seems like you would know just by your magic getting stronger because of it being a truth or a lie. But I'm curious to know what it is that you're concerned about. Maybe I can help. I mean, this is kind of my gig. Well, the forces on Earth are different than they are in food. It is more difficult for me to distinguish between truth and lies here than it was in food. I see. Okay. And I keep reading about fake news. Someone will say one thing, and then another person will say it's fake news. Someone will say one thing and then another person will say it's fake news

and then they'll argue back and forth about whether or not it's real news or fake news. I'm not sure who to believe. I'm not sure if I'm getting stronger or weaker. Well, I guess my question is what reason do you have to consume yourself with the matters of mortals? Well, I care for them. I'm interested in their lives. I received a DM. Mm-hmm, familiar. And it was from Prince from one of the foreign countries,

not in here in America. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Okay. He had taken ill, and he didn't have any of his credit cards. To get out, I think he was on vacation and he had a third country in South America. And he needed money. To front him money in order to be able to then remunerate you handsomely. Yes, you know this one.

Yeah, and this would provide you an opportunity to get that smartphone you've been talking about. Correct, because now I just take other people's phones. When you say you take them, what do you mean do you steal them? Or do you just borrow them? I place them under my throw. And then I take their phone until I'm done using it and then I put it right back in their hands and I snap my fingers and they have no idea what has happened.

Okay. Well magic comes in handy that way. I'm doing it right now. To whom? This guy in a coffee shop. Okay, I hate to break it to you, but that is not actually a prince from another country. That's just a person who's trying to convince you to give them money. Generally, if people are asking you for money with a promise of giving you much more later on the internet, it's completely fake.

Oh my god. Am I too late? Well, luckily for me, I had no money to give. That's right. But I have sent my emissaries all over the globe trying to rescue this prince. I gave him all my cryptocurrencies! Oh, oh, you invested in cryptocurrency. That's really sophisticated for a newcomer to this planet.

It sounded like something I'd been to. Because it sounded cryptic, like it sounded wizardly. Sure, I've spent lots of times in crypts. So how much cryptocurrency did you send this person? All of it, every bit of it. All my steam coins, all my bitcoins, all my shitcoins, all kinds of stuff. Everything that I had amassed. Listen, I really, like, everything that I had amassed.

Listen, I really, like, this is hard for me to say to you because I feel like you couldn't possibly know not to do this, but you're in trouble because all that money's gone. There's no way to trace it, there's no way to get it back. I don't know what to tell you other than to say, like, you might want to start washing dishes or something, or maybe ask the producers of supernatural to pay you. Robert Singer will never pay me. Why not? I think he's a bit of an asshole.

But I don't understand. I sent those things through the internet. Can't I just follow the trail of them into the internet? Well, that's some of my cryptocurrencies. The problem with cryptocurrency is that it has, actually has nothing to do with crypts. I mean, have you noticed that there's, there are no dead people or undead people

related to the currency that you've been sending? I have been hoping that it would build up to a big reveal of a lot of dead bodies. Yeah, crypto means that it is, I don't know, I don't know how to say this. Crypto means that it is cryptographically, um, encoded so that other people can't read it. Once you have sent it, it cannot be retrieved. I take that as a challenge, gold man. How do I get inside the internet? Physically.

Can you make yourself pure light and energy? Yes. I think that you need to jump into... Have you ever... have you seen those little holes in every wall that look like they sort of look like two snake eyes? The pig snouts. Yes, that's right. The pig snouts. You're gonna have to jump into one of those as pure light and energy and find your way into a computer and I think that way you can get into the Internet. I did that and all I did was end up in a bunch of reruns on TBS. Yeah, you you ended up in a television. That's not it. That's not a computer. It's very confusing. It's hard to see inside the wires. You said you sent Emissaries all over the world trying to save this prince. It might be worthwhile to have the Knights

and Spin Taxes service see if they can take a look into this. Cause I bet they're pretty intimidating. They might be able to make some kind of difference for you. They're just a bunch of coyotes I tamed. This is not looking good for you. I mean, how much cryptocurrency has varying values? In US dollars, do you know how much you spent? No idea.

I've had over 12,000 bitcoins. Is that a lot? Yeah, that's millions of dollars. That's more than I'll ever make in my lifetime. I'm sorry for you, gold man. Yeah, I know. You should change your name. To what? Pewter man.

Yeah, that, I kind of predicted it would be something like that. Yeah, well, I mean, I really wish I could help. If you gave me some Bitcoin, I promise I could look into it and remunerate you handsomely after I figured the problem out. If I had a single Bitcoin left to give, it would be yours, Goldman. If I'm being totally honest, I was just trying to scam you also. Oh, well, there we go again. I couldn't tell my radars way off.

After the break, things get weirder. I get a connection from another world. I get a connection about another world that exists in a portal behind a burger king. So it's like hard for me to believe because I don't, it's totally foreign to me. I've never heard of anything like this. I mean, I want to believe you. It sounds amazing, but... Would you sooner believe the story told from one of your own countrymen? For Infoon, I have a great friend, Arnie Neacamp, and I could connect us to him. They're always just sitting around the same place,

so it should be easy for me to find them. So if they're in another dimension, how do we connect to them? It's magic. All right, magic. Okay, sure. Yeah, let's do it. Close your eyes again, gold man.

They're closed. Picture at eagle, let's do it. Close your eyes again, gold man. They're closed. Picture an eagle flying through the night. Did you picture the eagle? I sure did. You can't see it because it's night. That's a good point. I imagine a spotlight on it for some reason. Continue to imagine that eagle.

As I incant these words, sells barriccan bull machine. Pasera, flaktam, Ketro flou! Oh, oh, the substance that, Oh, I do hear some voice, From far in the distance, Speaking to me through my very brain. Hi, buddy!

Spintaks, is that you all? Yes, it's me, you zador. Oh, what a wondrous, Hey buddy! Spin-tax! Is that you? Yes, it's me, Yuzador! Huh! What a wondrous! A moment! We've joined forces to defeat the void! We're working even now here to help you! It's been so long! How are you old friend?

I'm doing great! I've got lots of stuff going on! Oh good! Apropos of nothing! Have you, um, perhaps heard from a certain prince? I don't know to what you refer, slippery. Oh, I heard that, uh, there was a prince that was in some trouble who contacted you via Twitter. How did you hear that story? Because I am that prince. I sent you that message, and now I have all your bitcoins, and I'm going to bite each and every one. now I have all your bitcoins and I'm going to bite each and everyone and I have all your shit coins

Hey, John. Hey, buddy. Hey, don't hey, what are you? Currently, I'm back to being a badger. Oh, all right. Well, that means you got some play in the meantime Mm-hmm. Hey guys guys. I've got a friend with me. You don? He doesn't believe in you. His name's Alex Goldman. Hi guys. Hey, Alex Goldman, the host of TLDR? How long have you been in that whole man? It's been a while. Well, look, about three years ago,

I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the closest strangers. Well, I've heard his voice in my ears and I feel like we're friends. This is actually really helpful. I don't understand what's going on right now. Fine, go ahead.

Oh, well, yeah, about three years ago I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal. Alex, I think it's from the Burger King and I used that to upload a podcast I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon. So all this stuff that Spin Tech's has been talking about is how much of it is made up? Well, I don't know what Spin Tech's told you. Well, that's fair. He tends to lie a lot, but you gotta believe me. I'm a magical world right now. I'm

sitting in a tavern with a crotchety old wizard and a talking badger. Shape shifter. Shape shifter who is usually in the form of a badger. Why would you choose badger if you could be anything? Well, there's a little bit of a caveat to how I can change. There's a sexual component which I feel like we don't need to get into.

Fair enough. I suppose SpinTx told you that lie where he tames a bunch of coyotes. Yeah, yeah, he told me that the knights and spin-tax of service were a bunch of tamed coyotes. Oh, and he sends them all over the world. Like you can teach a coyote to get on a boat. I assume that- They're not on boats. They're strapped to drones. Duh! Some of them are mounted upon hoverboards. Hold on, spin-tax, on Earth! There's an army of coyotes being transported by drones and hoverboards just through the skies of Earth. I wouldn't count on it.

Yes, that's absolutely correct. They love it. I have to admit that this sounds less believable in the magic stuff. Oh, but do not doubt Magic, Mr. Goldman. Hooray if you do. You take the chance that we all shall suffer at the hands of the Dark Forces arrayed against us. I, for even now, the void encroaches upon both Earth and Foon and the Dark Lord, sensing his moment to to distract us,

prepare us himself for the final blow. So Arnie, have you been trying to get back to Earth? I have, I've been trying so hard to get back to Earth. So why is it so easy for spin-tax to hang out here? It's so hard for you to get back here. Well, you know, he had to do some sort of evil stuff to get to Earth, and I'm trying to find a way like using the purity of my heart to get back to Earth. also I think if this podcast gets popular enough people on earth will

figure out a way to get me home. Yeah Alex you said you're a podcaster? Yeah. What's the name of your podcast? It's called reply all. Oh wow that must take a while. Have you heard of of uh get nuts? A podcast called get nuts.

Yeah. Has it taken on? Oh. What's it about? It's about. Do you just want to do it episode? No. I'm not if nobody on Earth is listening to it.

Have you heard of a podcast called The Lofor the Magic Tavern? I mean, I'm hearing of it now. I'm on it, right? Damn it, Arnie. Well, you know, maybe he just has a certain genre bucket that he listens to, you know? Like, what I like to listen to is mostly improv comedy podcasts that have sort of like recurring characters,

sometimes in sort of fantastical settings. That's kind of the thing I'm into. Who will say that's the thing? This is a hard documentary look at scientific discovery for another world. Yes, this isn't what you'd like at all. You should be listening to The Adventure Zone. So you guys have become real podcast connoisseurs, huh?

Oh, yes, I love a good podcast. I magically enchanted a series of cookware, so I could catch podcasts with them. And what have you caught so far? Well, I really like cereal. That's what everybody says. And what? How dare you? I have the most discerning tastes.

We just made a list here in Fune of the top 10 podcast you should be listening to, and serial took up nine of those spots, just in case nobody's heard of it. Getting nuts was number three. You guys should have me on getting nuts, I'd guessed. Oh, all right. Well, this is Chant. That's Spindax. Usador. Doesn't even say my name right.

See, everybody thinks it's so easy to have a podcast. But Spindax, now that we have- Can we finish our episode of Knot Sorry! How dare you. So sorry. That's Usador. That's Spindax. And I'm Chunt.

Chist. Good one. I thought that was a good one. Why don't you do it with Alex instead of Spindax? This is Alex Goldman. I'm chunt. This is Yusidor and we're getting nuts! Let's see. I'm into macadamia's right now. Oh, that was gonna be mine. Well, that was that back to you, Arty. Good app.

Good app. You know, that show really doesn't get enough attention, I think. That's what we're saying. I think it's too much attention. But, Spindax, now that we have you on the line, like, what can we do to stop the void from FUN? I have two answers. The first is create. Enjoy creating create as much as you can.

All of these things. Magic. Music. Art. All of that stuff. Can you create conversation topics? Does that help? Sure, anything that did not exist before you created it, that helps.

Does the void have to eat things like ideas as well as physical objects? Absolutely. Okay. I'm going to summon three smartphones. Troph from Dettle for All Exist. Yeah. Hahaha. So many smartphones. Craf for a dental fraud. Yeah. So many smartphones. I guess it never occurred to me that spin-tax

if you wanted smartphones and you are like a real wizard, you could just summon them, I guess, or... He still has to sign a contract. I don't sign contracts. I refuse. I mean, even if you summon the smartphones, you got to have service, some kind. Oh, yes. I just summon them for fun. I mean, even if you summon the smart phones, you gotta have service, some kind. Oh, yes, I just summon them for fun.

I think that's pretty. Alex, I have to ask, are you any relation to the gold man who guards the village with a parchment in his mouth? No, no, spin-tax just told me about him. I'm not related to any goldmins that you may or may not have heard of, not related to Ronald Goldman, not related to Ronald Goldman, not related to Emma Goldman, not related to Oscar Goldman from the $6 million man, no relation to Goldman sacks, unfortunately.

Are any of these ringing about? Uh, no, but I'd be curious about a $6 million man. I did meet Oscar Goldman when I was trapped in TBS reruns. He's the head of OSI! You said it or it looks like our connection is fading. Uh, uh, uh, here, spin-tax. Uh, here, reach out to me with your mind. It let us strengthen our connection. No, before we lose it, completely!

Quick, Alex! What happens in season two of X-Tan? I think it's a law! Well, spin-tax, this has been one of the weirder episodes of Reply All. I truly want to believe in your wizardry. I truly don't want to believe that there is a void that is discreating the entire all-known realms.

I just like, I guess that I want to say thank you for joining me. And thank you for answering so many of my questions, Goldman. What are you going to do about the fact that you're broke? I'll just keep stealing things. Is that all right? It's fine with me. All right, well, if you ever need me, call this guy again. All right, sounds good.

As of this recording, I could not confirm the existence of the void, but it could be out there coming for us, I have no idea. If I get any updates, I will revisit this in a future episode. It's a week on reply all, a porn site for rabbits. Hmm, Alex Goldman from What was it BCC Everybody is getting too close to the truth. Don't worry everyone, I have just the thing, an earth-based sleeper agent named, let's see here, PJ Vote, who can clean this up. In the meantime, check out the podcast. Oh yes, reply all.

Use it or the blue was played by Matt Young. Shunt the Talking Badger was played by Adel Ruffiah. Spin Tax the Green was played by special guest Charlie McCracken. Charlie is a writer for AP Bio. Thursdays on NBC. He also plays the gym coach. Anyway, Trisha, to answer your questions from before. Trisha?

Craig, have you seen Trisha? Oh, she's not got to try to hack into our computer system. So hard to get good interns, especially when they're all versions of the same intern. Craig looks like we need another of your VO Kuda Gras stat. Certainly, and I've got some live show announcements, so this should be good. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neekamp,

Ryan D. Georgie, and Evan Jacober, this episode edited by Garrett Schultz, logo by Aller LeBon, and Magic Tavern theme music by Andy Polent, and that great reply all music is by Break Master Cylinder, and thanks again to Alex Goldman for being on the show. Woo! You never did fix that live show announcement sound.

And now for that sweet live show info. On April 22nd, there will be two yes two live shows in LA at the bootleg theater. Well, one's a regular Magic Tavern live show, and the other is Offices and Bosses Live. Tickets go on sale Friday, March 16th. It's a small venue, if you want to go, get your tickets quick. On August 3rd there's going to be a live magic tavern show in Indian

Napolis at the Shrott Center for the Arts so if you're going to be in town for Jencon maybe, come see the show. Indianapolis tickets go on sale on Friday as well but you can get them early with the code tavern. You can find links for all this at alo from themagictavern.com and the live shows tab. Oh and on April 6th magic Tavern will be at C2e2, not an actual live episode, but a panel in the cards against humanity panel room at 445 and assigning afterwards at 6. So if you're in Chicago, come check us out. So there's plenty of opportunities to come see Magic Tavern live in some form or another, come out, see us,

say hi, shake hands, just basically anything to get you to realize the show isn't real. Thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and thanks to Earwolf. Hey PJ, welcome back, man. How was Thailand? Why aren't you saying anything? Well you give me like the silent treatment? Why are you holding that knife? What are you doing?

What are you doing? No! No! You're stabbing me in the chest! That really hurts! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow