Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 52 - Wheel Bear

Episode Date: March 26, 2018

We interview a bear on wheels who also happens to be deputy to Sheriff Chunt. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungWheel Bear: Farrell WalshMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex

collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. Hey everybody, everyone here on the bunker is still asleep from last week. Still sleeping from last week. Not totally sure why I'm not asleep, I guess. I'm just really responsible. That doesn't feel right. So much editing time saved.

Anyway, the following podcast is not real. Someday I'll be on a show with a narrative arc. And now, enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnaud Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, don't worry. This is everything you need to know. About three years and four weeks ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional

riff. And I use that to upload a podcast. signal from the Burger King through the dimensional riff, and I use that to upload a podcast. I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon. And I am joined as always by my co-hosts and my co-mayors. Would we be plural? Like, we're, there's three of us, four of us technically that are mayors, but we're never all the mayors at the same time.

A good rule of thumb is on Fune, if it's a plural, you usually add an S. Oh, okay. So mayor becomes mayors. Okay, well, mayor, potato becomes potatoes. Does that make sense? Yeah, sure. Octopus. Mm-hmm. Sorry, done for you.

Sure, of course. Well, I- co-mayor, I chunk the talking banjo. Get what? How you doing, bud? I'm doing well. How you doing? I'm doing ok, just trying to really focus in on finding the weapons in the tavern and making a hog's face better.

Are you mayor this week? You have a sash. I'm the honest. I'm holding the sash. Yeah. Cause I don't really remember, like, I kind of lost track, too. Plus we're calling Manana, Mayor Manana, so I'm like, is he Mayor? It's very confusing. Yeah. Like, we got off to a really good start. Everything we've done in the last 150 or whatever episodes we've done, this is the most confusing thing

that's ever happened. I know. Normally everything makes perfect sense. Fucking mayor, Sash. But just who's telling you the three things? I wish this Sash would just go away, Sash. Oh, wait. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, absolutely. I don't really just give it to the banana man. Should we?

Well, he really enjoys being the mayor. And he loves being called mayor and manana. I don't know if he enjoys it. It looks adorable when he's wearing it though. There's no complaints. And his little pajamas. So cute. So cute.

Look, Mayor Manana can be the mayor, and help be easy to control. We're the power behind the mayor. Okay. I like manipulating the mananaman because as a sheriff, I've been crooked. What? I haven't told you guys. Did you- Did you- Did you- I like manipulating the mananaman because as a sheriff I've been crooked What I haven't told you guys Did you use her brought it up? I did he said I was corrupt

Well, then I leaked that frog John look we've been trying to make hogs face better like genuinely better and we put you in charge of the sheriff's department I don't know what I'm doing. I mean this hat is fucking killer, but besides that I just kind of break shit What it's fun as hell. Chant. I'll just walk my window, smash it in. See some kids playing ball, I just pop the ball. Chant, we're the good guys.

Yes, technically we're kind of working with the dark lord a little bit, but we're the good guys. Do you do that thing where you pointed your eyes with two fingers, then you pointed someone that you point back at your eyes with two fingers? I hate that. To let people know, I also have two eyes. But the one sucky thing is, you know, I don't have like a brother or sister to like bring on board, you know, nepotism, give them a job. Yeah. So I've just been trying to like help my friends out. What about Arnie? Why don't you help him out with your evil?

I mean, you're already the mayor. Not anymore. Do you want a job? Do you want to be sheriff? I'm pretty busy with the podcast and being the being the power behind the throne Well, I did just the point in you deputy who's the new deputy We'll end up to the table right now wheel bear Good afternoon, hey wheel bear. It's good to see you again, Wheel Bear. Is it over? How are you? I'm trying to make a difference, how are you? I am doing much the same.

For every day, I think of not but mine quest to defeat the void and to defeat the Dark Lord. I, and someday, Goddesses willing, I shall mount a tax so powerful that I shall defeat all those who stand in the way of justice. Good to see you. I should say that Wilbur, amongst the guards, is probably the most sheer honest, good-hearted dude.

Yeah. Even though I tried to just give him the job, he insisted that, you know, about beating the other people who work for it. One must earn what one has. What he always says. Yeah, I've got to say, even when all of Hog's face was imprisoned by the Dark Lord and we were, you were one of the guards guarding us. I always his hand like a good vibe with you, I gotta say.

The dark time in my life. I was supposed to stab all of you. Just know that. What's that? What? I was there. Every morning I was supposed to stab you all. Every in your thigh if at the time John Tata thigh I would have stabbed him in it. Oh that makes sense because the mornings I saw you you didn't stab me in the thigh But cockroach clown stabbed me every Oh, yeah, and I got stabbed every morning by sugar ray. You know Raymond who is always pushing his wares. Oh yeah, he's slices and sugars. Oh, Ray, yes. Yeah, I'm just it's it's sad though that

eventually he climbed onto the highest castle in Hogs face and jumped to his death and just left a note said I just want to fly. Well, thank you for being honest. That was very real bear of you, Wilbur. I believe in being honest and doing it best. Anything else we should know about is as as your boss I need you to tell me if there's any other poison handy. You know just those around sniffing around seeing what I can see. Okay well that's your job so yeah please please investigate if you can smell something fishy. Yeah, that's right. We'll bury you work for hogs face to make it better, you know? All right, let's go to the chase, shall we?

Oh. Oh, okay. I'm in the midst of an investigation. Oh, here we go. Oh, I'm a scientist. I am. I love a good scientist. I'm a scientist.

Two investigation number one. Who is popping children's balls and why? What's this now? Seagation number one who is popping children's balls and why? What's this now? Children's balls are being popped yes. I should admit something what Table this is not good for my knees. You know how I was talking about when kids are playing up with a ball that I'll deflate it Yeah, I've also been popping kids test. Oh up with a ball that I'll deflate it. I've also been popping kids' testicles. Oh, shunt!

That's how they're supposed to be doing good for hogs face. Yes, that's cruel. That's awful. Why would you do that? In Fune, a lot of times, if you get something in the mail, if something sent to you, they package it with a lot of kid testes. A testes, you know, their mother approves, but you start popping them and you can't stop. It's so fun.

Oh, hey. Don't say anything. And... I'm mad at somebody along the way. I'm not sure how weird though. You start popping on me, you can't stop. It's so fun. Oh, hey. Don't say anything. And I'm mad at somebody along the way. I'm not sure how weird though. I'll cover for you for now, but you got to stop. And yeah, this is the last time I'm covering for you, Chant, you gotta go straight, all right?

Let wheel bear be a good example. Ooh, let's find out what the second investigation is. Oh, yeah. Oh, hello. Hey. There you are. Sorry, yeah! Oh, hello! Hey! There you are! Sorry I just had to tell my good friends that we will keep an eye out as the mayors for anyone popping good balls.

Oh, thank you. Investigation number two. Oh, chung chung. Are you aware of a living being named blemish? What? Well, yeah. Yes. I am aware of a living being.

Oh, yes, I am aware of a living being named Blamesh. It is recently brought to my attention that the living being Blamesh may not be a living being anymore. What? Oh no, I think he just went away. I think he just went on a little trip somewhere. Yeah Gonna find out if that's true or not. Oh, with your help, mares, yes. Oh, of course. Yes. Well, sure, Deputy Wheel Bear, if there's been some kind of foul doing in Hogs face, we got to get to the bottom of it with the help of the mayor.

The law abiding mayors of this town. Although I will say, I mean, that's such important work you're doing and thank you for helping out the sheriff as my deputy, but I just had this thought, you know, you are, I don't know how old you are, but you gotta be getting too old for this shit. Maybe should you? Yeah, you're good run. Would you?

Are you asking me to wheel off into the woods and die? No, I wouldn't say that, but no. That's all a bear retires. Does a bear get too old for the shit in the woods? That was good. I'm so grateful, because you know, I've come to learn that like, you make jokes about people that are real on the nose about what they are, and sometimes they just don't appreciate it. Well, I know I'm a bear and I'm not worried about it. I could have a little fun with it.

You're not just a bear, wheel bear. You're a bear who doesn't have legs, but has wheels. Well, you hit one of your legs, he has an feet. He does have a hands, he has wheels. His wheels instead of paws, he does legs. See, let me back away and you can just define what I look like. Oh. There, you can see everything. Oh!

Wheel there, oh! There I am. Yeah, look at this. Yeah, that's a wheel. See you over here. Yeah. And you can see they haven't gotten to my ball. Oh, yeah.

Now, not to be insensitive. Hmm? Will you born with wheels? Or was this something that happened? My mother made an aesthetic choice. Ooh, ooh. Mmm. Wow. I mean, I've seen, you know, rocking horses and... takes all kinds.

I was digging at the wood of the tree under which we lived. She said no more claws for this one. That seems a bit harsh. If I may be honest with you. Unless there's a stair involved. I'm happier for it. How do you eat or wipe? I don't understand the question. How do you eat or wipe?

I think you said, Mary, you just eat with his mouth. Okay. Well, yeah, don't, but I mean... Is that right? Yeah, please don't. You're supposed to. Do you do want to go underneath the table? Yeah, let's go underneath You know his buzzard's in his cell. Do you do want to go underneath the table? Yeah, let's go underneath. I just assume he eats with his mouth. Yeah, I wasn't thinking.

And I assume poop just falls out of his butt. Yeah, or maybe like he brushes up against the back of a tree or uses Sherman. We all bear, they'll be done down there pretty soon. I didn't want to go down this time. My knees, you know, doesn't seem comfortable. Yeah, and I'm not going to ask you questions about how you wipe, because I see all those pieces of toilet paper on your butt.

Thank you very much. How do you think he gets started when he's moving? I, that's the part I don't stand. I mean, maybe he clenches and then unclenches, this should get some momentum built up. Like some caterpillar? Ooh, yeah, maybe, brings them together, pulls them apart. Bring them together, pulls them apart.

Let's go back up. Are you a caterpillar? Tell us now? Do you have any leads in terms of Blemish obviously got missing he's still living. I'm sure do you see in this area this area is very area this very area Yeah, this very very area But yeah, but not at this very table, is it I don't have that specific clue? It's But whatever, yeah, but not at this very table, is it? I don't have that specific clue. It's, it's, doesn't have that specific clue.

Oh, how would you bring that up? Why are you touching it right there? Oh, um, this looks like a cat claw right here, simply a cat claw that you would. I mean, he had been at this table the year. He was on the show sometimes. And the boy would bring us drinks and things. He worked here for a long time.

Yeah, we definitely knew Blemish, and we miss him a lot, and we wish we'd come back. Mm-hmm. And he will, when he is done with his time. Yeah, we definitely knew Blemish and we miss him a lot and we should come back. And he will when he is done with his trip. Yeah. Hey, can I ask an unrelated question about your investigation? If say Blemish was evil, would that affect the investigation? Would you be like, oh no need.

And he definitely was. I mean, there's no doubt about that. Every death is a curse upon us all. It's a lot of the most evil of us. Must be avenged. Yeah. God, guys, he'll bear just a fucking good cop.

You're a very honorable bear, and I appreciate that. We'll bear I must ask you. Will you join my quest in Giroffaro's? Will you join my quest to get off our house? Oh, yeah. Yeah, good. Will you join my quest to help me defeat the Dark Lord? Ah. Pfft.

It's in the peristing. He's eating. That's how he eats. He's eating his own shit. Oh. Oh, I saw the whole circle. Hold up the whole question. Ask the answer. What was. Oh, the whole circle. The whole question asked an answer. What was your question? Use it or I don't know. Yeah, you don't want to go into question with the guy that's his own shit. Would you mind if I took a lap out of your drink? Ah, of course, yes, of course I

Well, I'm Thank you You know I'm gonna go to the bar I'm also gonna go to the bar I'll help you you probably can't carry all those drinks by yourself. Yes, I definitely cannot. I go, where do you want something else of your own drink, perhaps? Please, whatever you're having is delicious. But that one's yours. Uh, well, I...

No, we can just leave, uh, Sheriff in deputy time. Yeah, he's a bit... Oh, good, good. Couple of little buddies. Yeah, those are my, those are my two best friends. Besides you, of course. I mean, we're good friends, right? If I ever had a problem, you'd help him with it.

If you need help, just say so. God, yourself. You're so righteous. How's your wife and kid? My wife is the center of my world. She rises with the dawn, like the sun itself, and casts sunshine over everything she sees. My daughter is struggling. She's struggling, having trouble picking up basic commands.

Well, I'm, uh... You should spend more time with your wife. What's her name again? Bare, bear, bear. Bear, really? Bare, bear, bear. I didn't want to say, because as I was about to say, I'm like, that sounds bad, but I'm assuming,

but it is her name. No, bear. She knows she's a bear. Good, good. Do people think bears are sensitive about being bears? I assume all creatures are sensitive about everything. I mean, I confuse a crow anden or Aven and they were pissed. Well, that I get.

Yeah, well, all right. Lesson learned. Spend some more time with Bayer Verly. I plan to go home to her. Good. When the world is a better place. Well, when is that gonna be? I mean, there's always something.

It's always something. Today it is the little ball-popper and the blemish mystery can I can I come help me out boss can I come clean I'm gonna put it on the table oh hey hey hey hey sorry I just heard you say sorry I just heard you say you're gonna come clean about something yeah I was I was about to help out my deputy I've been holding up no information hey. I just say I just want to say, Sean, I got you this new drink. It's called the B cool. We have a drink called the B cool. It's called the B cool.

Now, I guess trying a little hard. Now Arnie, we should let Sean say whatever he has to say. It is not our place to get in the way of justice. Yes, justice must be done and I can solve both your cases and one fail swoop. Um, please what? blemish was popping balls kids balls and he was so ashamed he ran off That's the end of that case closed Seems pretty believable to me ties up ties up pretty neatly

Nice bow around that? Makes a lot of sense. Oh shit, I forgot something. No, wheelbarrow can smell lies. What are you fucking lying so much of the head? Because I'm a corrupt sheriff. Cut! I smell a problem with your story.

Oh well, Chant, where did you hear this story? Someone must have lied to you! Oh, I've been lied to. Oh, boy. Bum-bum-bum. Can I ask you a question, Wheel Bear? You can smell lies? I can smell lies if the person knows their lies. I cannot smell if someone believes they have told the truth, but it just to be incorrect. Oh wow. There must be deceit. That's a nuance knows. I smell deceit in this room. Is it tough on your relationship? Guys, I'm trying to deflect it. Good work. Well, it would be tough if my wife would ever tell a lie, but is your wife never tells a lie? No, she

knows better. Oh my gosh, well, I would smell it immediately. That you're very lucky to have that. What is it? The bear bro? Bear really? Oh bear really, sorry. OK, yeah. Bear bro, that's not a name.

Bear? Arnie, you blew it. Be cool. Now, we'll bear. Now, you must be an accomplished investigator to have such great instincts as these. What are some other cases you've solved in the past deflecting? Yep.

Hmm. Oh, remember when the mountain moved? Oh, I do remember that. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I got to the bottom of that. What? What happened? It was a gentleman named Gary.

Oh, Gary. Gary moved the mountain. I remember Gary. Gary moved them out. I remember Gary. He was clasped in ions, left out in the elements. Oh, a 30 days and 30 nights from moving them out. What would be the punishment for, let's just say, accidentally murdering someone but then not reporting it and covering it up? Death by the same way that that person was murdered than your death not being reported for the amount of time that that death was not reported. Oh, did for tats.

It is harsh but it is fair. We gotta hide that ball! Wait, how does we kill it? Tats, gah! Oh, use it or my apologies, I drink out of your drink again. Oh, alright. That's alright. I'm happy to share all of my drinks with you Hey, you know what I'm gonna go to the bar again. Can I try a cool it that looks great. It's a be cool. Oh be cool

Wait, do you want whippets? Is that what you're asking for? I did not say whippets Do you have whippets? No, no, no, I don you want whippets? Is that what you're asking for I did not say whippets do you have a whippets? No, no, no, I don't have whippets already. I have tons of whippets. I love Whippets illegal what? Chunk stop flagrin like doing a legal thing. I think I'm clean I have to wheel bear the bigger truth here that I think we're all adult enough to share is that we did kill someone We killed 56 sacks of sentient flower. Oh, is that a crime? I'm hoping that it's not, and I feel like I've given you some information, so...

56 sacks of flower. I believe it was 56 with Arnie. I think it was 52, so a little less bad. So it's even better than we thought. Well as long as no one had sexual crongress with these bags of flour, I think we're all right. How are we screwed? Well, how's going over here? You know what wheel bear?

I'm gonna let you have the two ails that I already have, and I'm... I'm just going to enjoy this pot of honey. I'm just going to enjoy this pot of honey Use the door. You're in here? You fool. What? There's love, honey. What do you mean? No, you're thinking of bees. Am I?

Sorry, I lost it for just a minute. What was that all about? I'm sorry, my wife and I are having a really hard time with our daughter. Oh, I'm sorry, hear that. What's your daughter's name? Bearbro. Oh, Vance, your daughter! It's a child's name, fine for a child.

I'm terrible for a daughter. Oh, and she girls up what will her name be then? She gets up to her. Oh, that's nice. Did you give yourself the Monica wheel bear then? No, I was Foot-bearer than my mother said you are now wheel bear Wait, you had feet and not pause yes, I was born with human feet. Oh, well no wonder We're here to born with human feet. That was born crazy. I know

But that would look crazy Either way she should have decided before I was born with a million feet. I know if I'd done it. But that would be crazy. Either way, she should have decided before I was six. Yeah, after that, it's just painful if you lose anything. Yeah. Aren't you a e-circumseist? What the fuck? Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, We've got a lot of emails about you. About what? Whether you circumcised or not. Really? Yeah.

I haven't seen those emails. I've set up a filter. I've seen you in the shower. Well, depending on what I am, it changes. Yeah. You still work? I have a flip cap. I can be either way.

This is a little magical top. Huh. I can pull it back. Pull it down. I think that's uncircumcised. I don't think so. Is it a hard cap? Yeah, it's made most it's like a stony substance. Oh, I think you're just uncircumcised if it hangs over and you can pull it back That's uncircumcised. I don't know guys if we keep talking about this I'm gonna confess

Wheel bear have a look I'm gonna confess. Wheel bear? Have a look. He is not. Yeah? Well, should we take a break, grab some food? I'm gonna go to the bar. Uh, yeah, I'm also gonna go to the bar.

You're just shattering my honey. So, ah, I don't know. I'm feeling pretty innocent. Oh yes, I feel very innocent. Yeah, just putting that out there. Yeah, you know, wheel bear wouldn't help your job at all if people just like when they saw you told you whether they were guilty or innocent, just in general. Good idea. Absolutely. Good, I'm innocent. I'm innocent. I'm with them. There you go with them.

Now, why don't you go look for crime elsewhere? Yeah, it's been so great meeting you, Wheel Bear. And also, we wanna see how you start moving. Stop, up, yeah, I'll push away. Have a gander It's very impressive Oh You don't need to go by that door. Don't worry about that. Yeah, I'm just going to hide this door.

He's going over to the basement. That's the basement? There's an old crime down there that already got solved. Yeah, guys, in case you guys don't remember, we accidentally killed Blenish in that basement. Of course I remember. Were killing Blenish was an accident? Yes, it wasn't a fault.

And really, it wasn't our fault at all like he accident. He just killed himself. Then we covered it up, didn't we? Wasn't awful and really it wasn't our fault at all like he accidently We covered it up didn't we Let's be like the guy washes his dick and clean Well, what'd you find stairs? Foyle again Where it is Does this smell wet flower a death? Oh? Throw that out. It's a shhh.

I wish there was someone else on the police force that could go down and validate for you. Oh, I, Jeff, I can go down there. I'll take it from here. You're relieved of your, um, uh, wheel. What move? I'll go, I'll go done. Here, here me go. All right, I'll walk, I'll go done here. Here me go

All right, I'll walk I'll lock my wheels and stay right Right I'm at the bottom of the stairs. Oh So jealous and I don't see don't you see that note? Oh, there's a note what To whom it may concern the body love To whom it may concern! The body... Love... Bliss... Flamets. Oh, how sad.

Well... Well, case closed. So, tell us more about your wife. I just wish that noted included something about the ball-popping. That would have closed the case quite nicely. Oh wait, I think there's another... Yep, there's a second note! Ah! To whom it may concern! case quite nice. That's that's all set. So let's relax. Let's have some more shit water and let's check in with who how did you get started as a cop? These are called shit waters. Well, they are now. Oh, you said or I'm sorry. Are these your potatoeskins? I've been snaking

Those are now you can have this. Thank you. You sort of sears look like a potato skin. Oh, yeah a little bit your uncircumcised I don't think so. Will bear. We want to know your origin story. How'd you get started? What was there an inciting incident that led to you wanting to solve crimes? Did a crying, before your family? My mother disappeared. Oh, no. The middle of the night. And I followed her with my wheels as far as I could.

To the base of a very tall set of stairs. Oh, stairs again. As I looked up those stairs, it was beautiful stairs like up. to the base of a very tall set of stairs. Oh, stairs again. As I looked up those stairs, it was beautiful stairs like up, had to be 150 stairs up to a temple. I all I could do was call mother. Mother, that's me.

You took my feet. Now come and take the rest of me. Oh, and I'm guessing her name was Vera. Name was Diane. Well, it's a weird name for a bear, but... I barely, you don't know, bear culture. No, I'm sorry to get offended by the things you say about bears. Yes, that was very rude.

Arnie, walk it back. You know, I've got an unusual name for a human. What's a usual name for a human? I don't know, I mean, I know 14 usadors. Really? Yeah. Three kids in my class, use it like- Wait, let's say it's more common as a bear name.

That's why the bear snow me as- Grizzly Wondertooth! Is- is that true? I only know them as usador, but I didn't know them in school. Nis, but surely you've heard the legend of Grizzly Wondertooth. Oh, I- we've all heard the legend of Grizzly Wondertooth. That is me! Oh, look!

Usador, I would love to hear the legend of Grizzly Wonder 2. That is me! Yusler, I would love to hear the legend of Grizzly Wonder 2. Once upon a time, a blue wizard appeared before the bears, and the bears all decided to hold a bear jamboree. So they... Oh, a century-bear jamboree? Exactly, and they got out their banjos, and they played a song all night long, and the wizard took the form of a bear himself, a giant blue bear. I, in this very bear, went deep into the woods deeper than any other bear had ever gone,

and he found the biggest salmon that any bear had ever found. He brought the salmon back to the bears of the forest, and he said, here my children, now eat of this seven and be happy and blessed for the rest of the days. It's a good bear story. That's not a great human story. It's a great bear story. It's on into like, um, you know, beginning, middles and ends.

They just like to eat. Yeah, I feel like most bear stories involve food, to some degree. Yeah. Now, do you know any good bear stories? I do know one bear story. Ooh, I'd love to hear it. It was early one morning in the woods.

This is how they usually start. When a family of bears were just waking. And an injured elk approached. Struggling. And the mama bear said, kill that elk and drink of its blood. Slot it that elk. Ripping its throat first.

And drinking of its blood. Mm-hmm. And then we ate the rest of the elk. Oh, wow, that's a good story. Personal is a family story. It's a nice story. It makes me miss my daughter. Oh, you have a daughter? I do.

How is she doing? I hope she's doing well. Could I get in touch with you sometimes if I have some questions about parenting my child? Sure! You know, I gotta say I'm far from an expert, but... Our daughter is struggling. Oh, I understand. My ward is also struggling.

Oh, you adopted. Uh, yes, I have an adopted son who lives in my hat named Kid Yusador. Hmm. It's kind of a sidekick, kind of a ward. We gone quests together from time to time. Could I meet him? I'd like to get to 50 news at all. Sure! Hello?

Kid Yusador. Monoy Miss Kid Yusador. This is Wheel Bear. Hello, Wheel Bear. Hello, my name is Wheel Bear. I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I What are- are some eyes? Alright, back in my hat. Oh, it's just he's a baby with wheels. Get in my hat! Hmm, very nice. Uh, he used the door. Can I speak with you under the table for a second? Of course.

Oh, sorry. Yes, what? I didn't think about this. What? There's an orphan child's been living in your hat this whole time. He could be hearing all the things we've been saying. Well, he usually stays in his room. How about you, no? You don't know the things that he's heard?

He's on our side. He is my ward. I guess so, I'm just saying. He could tell Wheel Bear. Oh, what? Let's just say it. What Chunt did? Oh, yes, what Chunt did. Yeah. Good so, I really hope that Kid Yusador doesn't overhear us

and then misguidedly think he's saving you from justice by going off and telling Wheel Bear what Chant did. Honorable Dihiotra saying, I'll have to kill Kid Yusador. No! No! Yusador! And she said, this bed is just right, and at that point, bears came home. I'm telling you, I haven't heard this story.

And the wife bear nudged the husband bear and said, who is this? And the husband goes, I swear to you, I don't know who this is. Is this something? They got a divorce. Oh, are you telling the story of Goldie Locke's and the two bears? I love that story. It's not a great bear story, but it's a good...

It is a divorce versus blood, which is different. Aren't you do you know any bear stories for birth? Um, I'd love a Nerf and Bear story. Sure. Um, well, here's one. It's not just a bear story, but there's this hacker named Swordfish. The long wind up. I'll tell a tealator.

I actually did learn a bearer story from Earth, but here, I don't want to say it out loud. We'll bear, why don't you put on these headphones and just listen to it? Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. You must destroy that tape. No one must ever listen to that tape. All right. Let's take it from Marissa. She's not listening to that tape. No one must ever listen to that tape. Alright! Let's take it from Marissa. I'm just... She's in the middle of that.

She's in the middle of that tape. Alright, I'm going to... No one must ever listen to that tape. Oh. I'm trying to get lost. Who's drink was who? Oh, they're all yours. Don't worry about it. How did you even get all the way...

Oh, okay. Also, I feel like we're gonna have to switch tables next week. It's just... Oh, it's made a mess. No, it's okay. Will bear, you can't control it, but there's just like... It's kind of bear shit everywhere. Yeah. We'll bear...

Would you excuse me for a moment? Well, I go inside of my hat. Please do. Pardon me. Are you gonna say anything? Get out of my room. Just take away every smart. You should have a fucking room.

You can't be smart. You're gonna be smart? Yeah. Are you threatening me? I'm your son. Your son. Why did I wake up with the horse head, my bed? Because I had to put it somewhere.

I wanted to watch the game. You kill horses, don't you? It's a watch, a mince game show up. I'm gonna tell you you've been killing horses. What? I'm gonna tell you to be killing horses. What? I'm gonna tell you to be killing horses. Mr. Bear, Mr. Wheel Bear?

Yes, sir. My dad's been killing horses. To be fair, I've been murdering horses, evil ones. That's legal. Oh. I believe you. Thank you. Oh, wait a second.

Maybe we don't need to worry. Wheel Bear seems pretty reasonable. I'm well within my rights to murder evil horses, to watch the mitten schemes. That's just the thing that happens in food. Mr Bear, could I apply a game with you? What sort of game would you like to play with? It's called Two Truths in a Lie. I'll tell you two truths in a lie and you try and suss out which is which.

Go ahead. Number one. Be smart. Number one. I'm not so concise. I can spell that that's true. I can tell already I don't want to be playing this game with this child. I don't I think we're in trouble here. Step two. Step two. Number 2. I know who my real parents are. And number 3. The 3 gentlemen you see before you. Murdered blemish. Child, I know a lie when I hear it. When I smell it.

You have no clue who your parents are. Well done. Well done, duckbydee. What child would throw away a family? Well done, kid. who your parents are. Well done. Well done, duckbitty. What child would throw away a family? Well done, kid, you said all right. Back to my room, I suppose. I suppose so. I wasn't in time for my allowance.

Yes, of course. Give them three ten coins. Here, here are thirty coins. I'm not going to say three ten. One, two, three. Here, get in my hat. Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh- With us two letters certainly do send me in a direction and that direction is the basement. Yes, we'll bring those letters up as soon as we can. Yeah, I'll run down there and Get them. Yes Also, I think if you're looking for more cases to take on I don't mean to burden you with a workload, but I think cockroach clown ate many people

First things first. Yeah, yeah, I gotta say there are a lot of like real known and proven murderers all over hot. First things first. That's a dogeous area. That's a dogeous area. That's a dogeous area. You know, it's got to respect him. No.

Have you ever heard the saying, don't come up to a bear when he's got a hold of something that he wants to eat because the bear will attack you? Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying. I see. Thanks for all the drinks.

Use it already. Quite kind. Well, uh, Chun, have you got any emails this week? Uh, yeah, I have an email here. Of course, you can email me at chunt at gmail.com. That's Chump with 60s. This is from Marina. Uh, Marina says, hello, Chunt. I just started listening to the podcast and I have a question. When you sex shape shift, do you have to rediscover your penis every time? Are you ever not able to masturbate because you don't know where your penis is? Orina, is this one of the emails you're talking about? Uh, sure! They don't specifically ask if I'm circumcised.

You gotta read between the lines. I mean, I don't know if I have to rediscover my penis, but I have to get to know it, so I guess in a way, sure. You know, it's an important thing to know your genitals. To know where they're at, to know the shape and size, to know if it's shaped important thing to know your genitals. Sure. To know where they're at, to know the shape and size, to know if it's shaped like a tomato or a pine cone. Yeah. If you've got the flippy top that makes the noise. That's not a thing.

That is not a thing. It's not? No. It makes the noise. You know the noise. It's a noise. It's sort of like a chachank. Chachank.

Are you cocking your cock? Yeah. What do you mean? You might be having, you might be wearing a cockage. I don't think so. Just keep the safety on. Well, yes, I will keep the safety on. You know that cocks are more likely to go off at home.

75% more likely to go off at home. Yes, that's very true. When it's morning. Uh, uh, oh, you know, I got an email here. You can email me at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies. Hey, you know what? If you've got any hot leads on the disappearance of blemish, you can email me and I Tavern at puppies.supplies. Hey, you know what, if you've got any hot leads on the disappearance of blemish, you can email me and I'll pass them along to real bear.

Like, we are not gonna rest until we find blemishes real killers. Yes, so definitely send in emails telling us what you know about blemish because that's something that we don't know. Because we don't know. And need you to tell us. Exactly. Or even if you're just willing to go to the basement for me and help me out. Yeah, absolutely. I'm gonna run down those and get those letters, say any minute.

Bag it and take it. Here's an email. Carnival Wilson, it's, Carnie, I have a photographic memory, but only for podcasts. It has generally been a burden, however, I believe, in this case it may help you. Vertealax- oh that's right! Guys we've been trying to solve one of the riddles in the tavern. We found a clue that said Vertealax Wakes. This must be about that.

Vertealax emailed you in the very early days of the podcast, claiming to be a dragon from Foon now living on Earth. He went through a dimensional portal during the Great Battle of Havorsdwell, and has been gone for 250 years. Also, he might just be a dude with a Twitter. Hope this helps. Liz! Oh, yeah, I guess that's right. We did get a bunch of emails from for Taralax very early on the podcast. Yes, and he wanted us to interview a dragon, if I don't know about his kind. As I remember, he was on Twitter at V-E-R-T-E-R-R-I-L-A-X. I wonder how he's been.

I hope he's doing okay. Perhaps he finds his way back to food. Yeah. He can help you find your way back to Earth. Well, I hopefully maybe he can help whether he's a dragon or a person pretending to be a dragon. Oh, it... How would he help you as a person pretending to be a dragon? I don't know.

I mean, a person pretending to be like a wizard is probably an idiot, but they can help you with something. Well, if a person was pretending to be a wizard, that would be awful. Because wizards are not born of humankind. They are a race unto themselves, a very celestial being, taking human form, if someone were to impersonate a wizard. What an offense this would be to the goddesses! I just noticed something. I don't mean to be a dick. Uh, Wheel Bear, you're just wearing a red shirt and no pants. Exactly. How's some more honey? Oh, good ones here. I don't mean to be a dick. Wheel bear, you're just wearing a red shirt and no pants.

Exactly. How's some more honey? No, that was you. My honey. If someone were to a person, it'd be better I would mall him. You can have the rest. Thank you. I think.

Chunt? I'm good. But yeah, thanks everyone that tweeted at us, also pointing out that Verterralax is a possible dragon on Twitter, including at SlackFerno who tweeted, Ad Verterralax, are you awake? So hopefully one of these you-ups that people are tweeting at Verterralax will maybe help us figure out what it means for Terralax Wakes.

Yes, Verterralax, if you are awake, tweeted me at Yusodador the Blue, and we together shall combine our forces from across the Vale of the Universe, and we shall rise up and defeat evil on both of our worlds. And I can't stress this enough, DJ Kwalls, if you can hear me, tweet at me at Chant, or 60th. I think we're getting pretty close to solving this whole thing. Yes, yes. Oh, well, thank you here. Just leave that here, table front of me, huh? Well, this has been a very good podcast, but I'm just gonna enjoy this smoke salmon. Uh, you uh, what, what do you, what's going on?

Oh, oh, oh! I'm not being my best self today. You know, I really related to this episode because the guys were secretly plotting under the nose of an authority figure, just like me and Trisha, although I haven't actually gotten the ton of plotting done this week. But I had a lot of meat time, which is the best kind of plotting, honestly. Anyway, Yuzador The Wizard was played by Matt Young, chumped the shape shifter was played by Adel Refi, Wheel Bear was played by special guest Farrell Walsh. Farrell performs with the Princeton New Money Asclounds, Tuesday's at 10pm at Chicago's

CSE Theater. Below from the Magic Tab was produced by Arnenean E Ecamp, Evan Jacoba and Rian DiGeorgi, this one edited by Rian DiGeorgi. Music by Andy Poland, logo by Aller Labbon, Additional audio effects by Jason Knox, Production Assistance by Garrett Schultz. Remember we've got live shows coming up in April and LA and in August in Indiana. Check the live tab at hellofromthemagictavern.com for all the info. And stay tuned next week for another super fun announcement. Oh, you're gonna like it.

Big thanks to all the fine folks who have been cleaning up our official wiki at magictavern.wiki.com. Thanks to Messgirl, Slackferno, a darkly of hauntings by Boss Man 1, Corrupted Jim, A Dea, in Little Stars, Sliffer Jam, A a housing to ham, a housing to a house in Gotham, a house in Gotham. David Castanetta, King Lee Lightning, oh yeah, it's Josh, Reaganometry, Charlene-ness, S, Charlene, Charlene, Charlene's with two S's, Charlene's, and Z Zy... can... Nellster. Zy... and... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... Z... and I guess that's it. I know I should be snooping around or whatever to help a nutritious planned overthrow the space bunker, but for some reason I can't seem to bring myself to do it.

Like every time I think about betraying a big guy, I get this shock in my brow. That's probably my conscience. Visit us at loafrunthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter, thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and thanks to Earwolf.