Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 57 - Jyn’Leeviyah Returns

Episode Date: April 30, 2018

The Red Wizard is back, summoned to help Arnie with his citizenship test. But can she and Usidore work through their relationship problems? CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungJyn'Leeviyah: Felicia DayMysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, Entertainment Receptical. I thought I'd spend this beautiful spring day counting all the dimensions, but then I finished immediately because there's only one. In other news, my intern Craig is still missing. Not anymore, sir. Here he is. Doesn't Craig look happy to be back? Or at the very least, just totally like himself?

Trisha, that is a mop with Craig's hat on it. And I would call that an upgrade. I still think you're hiding something, but before we get into all that, a quick reminder. Magic Tavern is doing a live show in Indianapolis this August, the same weekend as Jencon. You see, Jencon doesn't know we're gonna be there. And we're gonna just be like,

Hey, how funny! That we should show up in the same restaurant as your wedding reception. Weird. Anyway, the first live show has sold so fast that with trademark knee-camp overreach, a second show has been added on Saturday. More info at hellofromthemagictavin.com. Click on the Live Show's tab or just move to Indianapolis and wait. What's that, Craig? Everything seems to be totally normal, and we should go right to the transmission? Huh, okay, if you insist. Well, new Craig, since you absorb grime and spills much better than old Craig, who am I to argue?

Enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast on the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Ar Arneemee Camp. About three years and two months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional riff, which I used to record a podcast every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, and the Town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, my good bud, Yusador the Wizard.

I am Yusador, Wizard of the 12th realm of a fisiest master of light and shadow, manipulator of matchled lights, the aura of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarakas, the elves name is Fien Yelik, the doors know me as son of an hoax dstankes and I am known in the Northeast. As goes the Nomeus may star. And there may be other secret names.

So, names that if they were to even flash into your mind for a moment, your very brain would begin to boil. And as your brain did boil, brain ooze would leave through thine ears and pour down thine neck, cooking you from the inside out. And if you've never listened to podcast before, this is everything you need to know. I'm also joined by my other co-host, Chuck the Talking Badger. Are we having pancakes? Good catchphrase. Catchphrase. No follow- Are we having pancakes? Good catchphrase. Good catchphrase.

Chaps thumbs up, no follow-up questions. Are you a catchphrase? No blood, no bodily functions. That's a pretty good pass it to a new catchphrase. Also, brain oozes, we just call it bruise. Bruise? Yeah. Oh.

Yeah, in fin, we like to have one possible, some portman twos. portman toes. So brain oozes happen so often. The people are just like, we're just going to call brews. Oh, it saves a lot of time. Often there's brainws everywhere. And you're like, oh, look at all of the brainws.

Look at all of the brainws. You're wasting all of this time. If we were to turn on, help with the love of God. If we were to turn on a black magic candle and look around the room with the lights off, you would just see brain news covered everywhere. Oh, sure. And a lot of hotels, you go to, it's just brews everywhere. Yeah, brews.

You don't want to know. Look, everyone is covered in brain news. Everywhere you go, there's brain news. Just don't think about it. Also, check for bedbugs. Oh, I'm sure. Or bugs. If you were to make a portman to have that.

A bugs. What about bags? What? What? What? Bags. Sounds like you're desperate. I'm desperate to fix this bag situation. Listen, we don't need you to swoop in here and fix our vocabulary, right? We're doing fine. Okay fine. Okay, okay, okay, speaking of doing fine, how you doing? I'm a good supportive friend and I would

love to hear about your relationship, which I 100% approve of. Well, I fell into a four-letter word this past weekend. Bags. Love. Oh, yes, I fell into bags. You piece of shit. No, I fell in love. Me and two store one to make up point. We made it out closer than ever. I thought for sure he would have died.

No, we made it out. Oh, the first time. How did it happen? Well, you go into makeup points and there's a lot of trials and tribulations, a lot of traps, a lot of pools and ghosts. And we navigated those choppy waters, made it out and fell in love.

Wow. And at the end, of course, a ghost appears and says, would you like to save yourself or save Tussador? This time I said Tussador and he said chump, so by saving each other, we saved ourselves. Wow. Was this a good time for you to reflect all the times that you went to make out point with other animals? And they always said to save you and you said to save yourself.

It was a little awkward. Yeah. That did come up. And there was bruise all over the floor, so it was a little awkward to discuss past relationships in front of your current. Yeah, and it's tough. You sometimes you can lie about how many people you've killed at makeup point.

Yeah, I don't keep track. But they always say, but you know, they say if somebody says a number of how many people they killed at makeup point, that you should always times that by two. Yeah. I found a new spell. Details?

How do you find a spell? I was searching through the library of... Keteroth-10. In the far northeastern regions, I traveled there with my friend Grimhoff, the fifth fastest horse in Foon! And my own horse, Chode. There's collected so many horses. I have a lot of horses now.

I have a horse, there's a three-legged horse. But I forgot its name. It's nice to have two horses because they don't get tired. Sure. I can ride one for a while, switch over to the other, and group of just my friend. I don't own him. He's my friend.

And I found a spell. A spell that will help us defeat the void, I believe. Oh, what's the spell? It's a spell that dispels darkness. A dispel spell? It's a dispel. It's a portman, too, of dispel and spell. Dispel.

Dispel. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah, no. You know what? For a second, I just phased out and was trying to think if I had something better, but I didn't. No.

Can't improve on it. For a second you phased out, that's your catchphrase, right? A second I phased out, that is my catchphrase. That should- should we consider renaming the podcast for a second I phased out? Sure. Alright, next episode. See? We're evolving and changing. We're dynamic characters.

Here, now look at my flagging. It casts a small shadow upon this very table. Does it not? Yes? Ram Ram Ram Now there's no shadow Well, that's gonna fucking fix everything. Let's avoid. It's a big black darkness if I go baram Ram Ram Near the void perhaps I'll destroy it. How many shadows can you make disappear with that by saying baram, baram, baram. So far, just two. And they have to be about the size that this flagant makes.

So I could do one more flagant. I want to give you another flagant. I'll show you. I think it's so cool. Baram, baram, baram. But wait, if I go... Baram, baram! Something in fat nature, perhaps I can dispel the entire void now There is a little bit concern here. You said you found this spell so do we know for certain who put the ram in the bram bram bram

Bram bram it is unclear. I just want to make sure that we're not fiddling around with magic We shouldn't be fiddling with have you considered the spell lame a lame a ding dong? What? My remembering that we don't, what are you talking about? Just a spell, isn't there a spell called Lama Lama Ding Dong? Sorry for a second, I fave that. I know, I know, right? It's so easy to do.

Let's order some food, some rooster's feet, and some other delicious treats for our friends here. I am very excited to see the two of you again. I believe we are about to make some true progress against the void and then finally against the dark Lord. And then we're gonna get outalk. We've already been doing season two of our taxes. Something to do with the end. I'm gonna get my way back to earth in some way. I'm sure there's some other way. Citizenship. I'm sure there's some other way to earth. Citizenship? Did you pass?

I passed my citizenship. I was wondering what the citizenship is. The written portion. I passed the written portion. I got to find a wizard that's going to sponsor me. I could talk to Tussidor. What was that? Well, I went up like 10 octaves.

I'm very good friends with Tussidor now, but I... I'm joking. What's that? good friends with Tussle-O now, but I... I... Don't! What's that? It's all rude. Ah! Ah! Ah!

That is the life. Oh, our food is here. Oh, our food is here. Mmm, they go here. Oh, we can go to this. Oh! I am... Genlevia, wizard of the sixth realm of Ephesius, mistress of nature and nurture, reviver of the springs of Go-ooth, the make it.

Seer of the prophecies of the times that miskeeper of the sacred tomb of Deyfrahl. A total time wizard's choice of war and nominee, the elves, Nomi's param and soy three. The vampire's Nomi's Beyoncé Blurlust. Pichela. Hmm. What? me is Beyoncé Blurless. For Chela. Hmm, what? May I finish? Sorry, sorry.

The tree fog, no me is Opal Vine Witch, and upon the aisles of Megas, I am known as, oh gosh, not coffee, ah, ah. And ask me my other names that I should gladly share. Oh, my child, now why are you still here? Why am I still here in the sitting at this same, this very table? Have you not moved in aions?

I have moved a couple times. Well, you don't look like a your muscle to that ratio is very high. Genelevia. Oh, it is wondrous to see you again. It has just been so long. Yes, it is. Last time I saw you, you turned to a ghost and disappeared on me. Well, I was around. I was a ghost. You just couldn't see me. Oh, oh, I've missed you so much.

Remember when your socks were moving and there was a whimsical dance I did with them? Bupi-dupi-duh! That was you! It was. Oh, that's so sweet. It is. Yeah, that to me kiss you. No.

I was going to say that to me kiss you a scarred friend of your cheekbeaks. What? What? What are you talking about? Yeah, your face is usually horribly, but still, you know, attractively scarred. I don't know what you're talking about. I just, you know, amrested. How face fix? How face fix? What? How face fix? What is wrong with him? He has to have a stroke? Yeah, he might have had a stroke. Are you all right?

Ruser's feet taste like metal. Do you guys taste metal? Oh, no. No, I don't know. I have one in my vagina right now. Oh, oh, god. That's the worst thing. You have a metal in your vagina?

No, a chicken's foot. But probably there's some metal up there too. To say what did it win? Mm. Anyway, I'm just happy to be here. Let's change the subject. Sure. I was summoned.

Yes, I summoned you because I'm hoping to become a citizen of film. Wait, how can you summon a wizard? I had that wizard summoning stone. Oh right, it didn't happen in an episode, but I found it. Oh, fun! I don't know, someone summoned me. It was like a knock on the door, but it was on my brain. And I said, well, I'm going to have to go to Hogsface,

and I hate that place, and that guy's there from that other world. And Yusador is going to be very, very, very awkward with him. It's not so awkward, it's nice to see him. It's nice to see you, too. I miss you. I miss you, too, but I can't go into it. I can't go into it, I can't talk about how we are not together anymore, oh no.

It didn't leave you. It has been a hard time. I was thrown in prison. My magic power stripped from me with a potion day after day. But I have regained my powers. And I have made a truce with a Dark Lord. It is part of a longer plan to defeat the void and then to defeat the Dark Lord. I'm using the blade of Fancyko Hlaan.

Kill him finally! So that's what we've been up to. Oh, good recap. What are you going up to? Well, it's nice to say you made a truce for the Dark Lord, so you wouldn't be irritated if I made a truce with the Dark Lord, would you? Uh, oh. I mean, what were the terms of this?

Ah, truce. That's not going to detail. I mean, it's very awkward and it involves the massacre of a lot of people and it just has too many things. Oh, no. Oh, that how face fix. Genleaf, yeah. Good.

What? Are you evil? No. No, I'm just compromised. But I have excellent skin now. You will see. It's a smooth cheek. You know what I, I'm able to put any kind of makeup

or decoration on my cheek. Look, there's no crags left. It's so pretty. Damn, I mean, at least she's being proactive. Yeah. Listen, here's what happened. I, uh, I encountered the dark lord when I was having intercourse with a whole island of selches. Um, because they were feeling depressed, as you know, that's my job. To have intercourse with the world is the mistress of nature and nurture.

How long does something like that take? Oh, it was hours and days and weeks and months and it was just very dull and I just sit there and they bring food to me and they're next. Yeah, it's very, very involved. Isn't it a little ironic that you have intercourse and your face, the outer used to be coarse? Well, that's the most interesting thing about that. She's talking about that.

Is he having a stroke or is he having intercourse with maybe someone who's a fake and maybe evil-entated? Hey, all of our right arms are numb, right? I don't know if he's having a stroke as much as he can't help but break down every single word in a sentence. Oh, it's very, he's precise. Yes. That's a badger's trait. Have you noticed he has that scroll in front of him and sometimes like he tries to diagram out people's sentences like a little line?

Oh, it's a gerent. Um, anyway, so I was healing this island, the island of Migra, and the Dark Lord just happened to cap size on the island, and I was like, oh, I'm going to murder you and use a door of a finally, you know, create a pietta tear where we can meet in real life. Yes. And then he said, you know, if we just have a truce, I will enable you to heal that disgusting crack on your face and He called it disgusting. He did it. It's true. I've always hated my face. I've hated it so much. He was so beautiful. I tried to get it lifted and no one could lift it because I am the mistress of nature and nurture.

They just get sucked into my life force into me and they die and no one would operate on me anymore. So anyway, he's told me if I just steal the coats of every single selky and put the front skin of them on my face for three weeks, I would be... You'll be a selky smooth? Selky smooth exactly. And that's what happened. Now the whole island is depressed and killing themselves

and basically they're all dead because as a selky, you want your selky thing and you can't get in the water so they're just playing humans and they just died. But anyway, I look great. You do look great. I thought you were ready, Paul. Oh, you're strong, Mr. Hill. I thought that the scars on your face were surprisingly becoming and I'm not in a relationship

with you and I don't have to say that. I don't believe you. Your face is not trustworthy. Also you're intramed in it that I have to say that. I don't believe you. Your face is not trustworthy. Also, you're into making it that I have to say that because I was in a relationship with her. It's true. Well, I'm not saying you have to say it. I'm saying like, it's probably in your best interest

to say it, but also, you know, you may be blinded by affection. Whereas, I'm just a weirdo who says dumb things are coming to his head, and I thought that you're weird fucked up face looking nice. You are a very calculating person in your interpersonal relations. I would not trust anything this man says. dumb things that come into his head and I thought that you're you're weird fucked up face look kind of nice. You are a very calculating person in your interpersonal relations. I would not trust anything this man says. Yeah and she was right earlier.

Your muscle defect ratio is very high. It's like a blubber almost. You guys, you guys are lucky. He's a cancer woman. Oh no. Oh no. Are we all having strokes? Hmm.

It's very trendy right now. That in bubonic plague. Oh, it's in! Yeah. It's back, baby. So what do you guys want? Because I was busy. I was busy, uh, you know, dressing.

I was busy, healing forests. I was busy feeling guilty about the selfies and blah, blah, blah, blah. Your arrival is fortuitous. For Arnold needs a wizard that he is not familiar with. To help him pass his citizenship test. Oh, you cannot qualify. Well, we're good friends, you know, it's a conflict of interests. And that is a self-imposed law?

Or is that actual law? You know, it's just like, if I know him too well, it makes it too easy for me to give him the test. I would be too compromised, and I would let him pass, because I just, I love on it. I know, that a opponent but a bone a bone of contention and a bone too A lot of foolish laws are based on the the honor system. Um, I mean look at him Look at me look at how cute he is Well, I want to destroy him, but for your sake

I will give him a reasonable trial I will give you a trial because I was busy and you brought me here and you need to get me one thing from your world if you get the opportunity. All right? Okay. Yeah, before we start the trial, I met 12 angry men at the bar earlier and they wanted to sit and watch this, is that all right?

Oh, bring them over. I guess so, but they said that they have to get home soon. I feel like if we draw this out, they're gonna be very unhappy. All right, we'll all tell them next time. Well, you could bring one over. I'll bring one over, you guys. Yeah, and if he harrops occasionally,

it will be successful. Yeah, and maybe over time, he'll slowly convince all of them. So what I want from your world, there was a tomb that I found at the bottom of the ocean underneath the dead selkes. And there is a legendary oil that will make my face

even glowinger, even more beautiful. It is a tincture, an oil of Ulehi. And what I would like is just one, if you muster this quest from your world, I would be appreciative. Sounds so magical, oil-le. Uleh. Uleh. Uleh. U-y. Ooh, oil-y. Oil-y.

Oil-y. Oil-y. So- I have all this shit, your trunk. Okay. Yeah, that's right. One thing you might have noticed is different about the taverns, since last time you were here, Jen,

leave you as my car from my world. I drove Phil Wall, and so it still sitting in the tavern. Oh, I really should look through the trunk. I bet there's useful stuff in the trunk of my car. Even your 20 years you haven't looked in there? It feels like 20, doesn't it? It's probably some junk in the trunk. Oh, there's a lot of junk in the trunk.

But in a way that I like! All right, well, the deal is done. So I will give you a trial. Do you want the small, medium, or large trial? Oh, can I ask, which is... Is like, what are the benefits of doing the large trial? The large trial you get your name and scribed on a bowl. It's a bowl of magical essence.

It's at the top of Mount Selakwe, and every year, the wizards make a pilgrimage, dip their genitals in it to be infused with essence. Plus you get two sides and biscuits. Very lovely. I don't think I want the ball. Okay, good luck. Why not? Well, I don't get my balls.

It's more of a vulva. A vulva, such. That is. It's a vulva ball. Or a vul. Is that a vulva over there? It's a camera. Oh, okay.

Anyway, we'll divest ourselves of the large goal, right? You store it. I think that's fair. The small one seems too small. I don't like you enough to give you the small trial. Oh, and Emily, she's honest. Yeah, so. And the medium trial to tell you.

Yes, it's a three-phaser. So we gave you the decision, but then made it for you. Yes. That sounds about right. When she said three-phaser, you look stunned. I, it's true. OK, and I must have missed this. The rock you procured is that it's a wizard stone

What was it called? Oh? You told me earlier you got something in a bubble. Oh, I passed my test. Yeah, I got a blue stone Yeah, I got a blue stone that says I passed the wizard the written portion of the wizarding That's great. I just wasn't here for that. I just yeah, congratulations I just wanted and I know I know it. Thank you so much. I'm you aren't here But just know that we covered all the stone puns possible. Wow, that's a shame. Where were you? Where were you?

I was at make-out point. I was on a date with Tussador. Tussador! Wait, Tussador! Yeah. That fraud! Exactly. The Wizard of Surf and Turf? The Wizard, quote-unquote.

Thank you. I think he's a real wizard. Oh. He wouldn't lie to me. No. Had you feel magical essence when he enters you? Well, we've never had sex otherwise. I'd look just like him. Oh, you do not want that.

Those highlights are tacky. Now, Jenelavia, I agreed with you at first. Tussadoa irritated me to no end when he first appeared here, mostly because he thought he was a wizard. And it's not a wizard. Now, Jenelavia, at first I agreed with you. There's no follow-ups about. No, that's not.

But I came to know Tushador better, and I'm good friends with him now. He's a very fine young man, though he still thinks he's a wizard, which he is not. He is not a wizard, and I'm disgusted that you would fraternize with the ilk of a fraudulent wizard. He is adopting our He at least you could call himself a sorcerer. I will I agree with you. You should call yourself a sorcerer or a mage or a warlock or something of that nature. Exactly. But those are all different things though. Frankly, Genlemia You and I are no longer in a relationship And you have no right to tell me how to feel

You and I are no longer in a relationship and you have no right to tell me how to feel Eucidore Did you just dump me? No! Eucidore, we are now trying to dump her in the middle of my trial Okay, forget the trial, forget the trial! No, no, no, no! You can work in a high-level!

I will dump you, we've been in contact and I want nothing more than to spend all the rest of my decades and eons with you I feel some backpedaling going on right now Want nothing more than to spend all the rest of my decades and eons with you. I feel some backpedaling going on right now! Nay! There is no backpedaling! We need to call the therapist Dr. Phil Master! Fine. To come in and work this out between us, because I don't even know if I could even ghost you again. I mean, I guess on our last date, Tussador did serve me steak and lobster.

Well, there you go. Anyway, can we get on this with this trial situation? Yes, and as a trial, then we'll work out this relationship. Or maybe not, maybe I'll just go murder some mermaids. Oh, maybe? Yes, I will. Perhaps I'll go smash some swarps. Oh, well, then I will grind up some gnomes into a tasty sort of larb.

Then I will find an evil horse and murder it. Oh, that's terrible. I thought you collected horses. Let's take a quick break and we'll be back with Arnie's uh, grunt. Alright, so Genleivia used to do it. If you guys can kinda like keep it together enough for me to get my Funish citizen share. I-I need him to move two chairs away because the smell of him is making me ovulate. How? Oh, I think. That's good. Smovulate.

Fine, I will scoot down. Thank you. This chair over here... That way, you won't be bothered by me... Though I shall sit here further away from you, basking in the butious glow that is, Genelevia, for your very presence makes my heart skip a beat, and I do love these so, and I am so happy that you are no longer a ghost

in here with me again. Aww. You know, I need to group, smacks all my other lady friends, because this is a hot and cold relationship. I do not know what to do with you. It's like you're slapping me, and then kissing and slapping me and humping me and slapping me I don't even know what's going on here. Well cheers to that. Okay.

Obviously they never. Trial one. There are three phases to the medium trial. Okay. The first phase I believe might be a little I don't know. Present company may help you out. Oh great. As the mistress of nature and nurture, I will deal with nature and I will deal with nurture. First trial. You must teach an animal the traditional dance from the swag district of Numenye. Swag. Okay. It's called the duge. Oh. Teach me how to duge. Teach me how to duge. Yes, it's very complicated. Chant may be familiar with it or you guys need to research it in some way,

and he must perform it for me. Okay, great. Chun, I don't know if it dances. I don't know if it dances. I barely know the dances of Earth. I thought you were studying on for this test. I did, I don't know how I passed the test. I'm going to move down one more chair

because my lust is blossom. His lust is blossom.ossom you know what I do. Oh, the sun is the table the table is lifting. Please use it all I'm sorry. Put it away. Jesus. John, do you already know how to do gay? I can figure it out. Okay. Okay. Are you ready? Yes? All right So, John, I'm going to now teach you how to do gay, okay, are you ready? Yes, all right. So chunt. I'm going to now teach you how to do gay Okay, so Just nod your head here we go. I'm going to do gay Wow, that was lovely. Oh, that's the do gay Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- That's what I meant. You don't talk about Tussador rubbing off on you. Don't make me choose between Arnia Tussador.

That is horrible. That's it. So Fita's choice. That's terrible. All right. Well, you know what? I'm going to pass you, because I do not actually know that Dugay and I was amused.

It made me shuckle. Oh, all right. Exactly. My vulva unblossomed. I was distracted from Yusadors glowing their monol cloud. Can I be honest when I woke up this morning, that is not a sentence I thought I'd hear.

No. My vulva unblossom. But now I can, you know, that's a story to tell. Welcome. But you did expect my lust is blooming. Yeah, I mean, that seems hard for the voice. Yeah. Your lust is blooming a lot.

Your lust, I feel like, is blooming all the time. What is it? I'm impressive for a wizard of your age. Thank you. Has his lust been blooming with other people beside me? Have I loved to know about it? I'm impressive for a wizard of your age. Thank you. Has his luspin blooming with other people beside me? Have I left to know about that? I think so. Hey, I have been chased and had only dreams of you upon my very comfortable Casper mattress.

Oh, beautiful, very comfortable 7-8-inch mattress. Oh, yes, yes, yes, you know what that. I am a distinguished person. I have to lay down on the job so much. I know my comfort levels. Seven, eight inches for a mattress seems a little big. I mean, I feel like the average mattress is maybe a little closer to five and a half. Okay, let's move on.

Try on number two. This one is a little more complicated. Okay. Oh, no, they get more complicated. Well, it's nature and nurture. Okay. What I need you to do is I need you to describe the perfect plant of Arnie.

I need you to embody yourself in a plant, and if you feed me the correct ingredients, I will poop out a seed and plant it, and it will immediately blossom if it is accurate. You must evaluate yourself accurately. I must accurately evaluate myself as if I were a plant? Yes, you know, you stink like garbage, and you have five leaves, and you have a very wilted brown, yeah, like garbage and you have five leaves and you have a very wilted brown Yeah, I'm giving you clues. Oh, yeah, okay, yeah, okay, just write it down upon the straddle then Gently if you will eat it make one of her potions exactly and if it blooms you have done an adequate job of assessing yourself and you have your own plant

Assess yourself Okay, all right. I stink like garbage. Mmm, good one. Um, and I don't have the best attention to detail or short-term memory. Wow, that's so good. I've been very honest. Something about brown... Hey, brown droopies. Brown droopy, you know, the flower is just disgusting.

It's something you'd see and you'd think, I need to throw that out. Why are you trying to look on my paper? My paper has nothing to do with what you're... No, okay, no, you can't cheat on this. Yeah, let's just slide. All right, no, no, no, you know what, I, you know what, no. I'm going to, if I'm gonna do this,

I'm gonna do this on my own terms and I'm not gonna cheat off of Wudgen. Leave you said or anybody else, I'm going to write down all the things that make up aren't positivity Jua de v sass sped

That's the Arnie Neckamp experience Stink is a stink or spake. Oh, Is that a TRP? That's a tea. My handwriting is bad. Also, oh, here, let me add this. Bad handwriting. Kind of like a child's. A scroll. Great, okay.

Well, here we go. Hmm, hmm. Okay. Whoa, I gotta say, I'm impressed your digestive system worked so fast that it something goes from your mouth to a pushon. Oh, I can eat and then literally create a manure pile of the size of you. Your digestive system works so fast that it something goes from your mouth to a pushion on media. I can eat and then literally create a manure pile of the size of you.

I mean, she was born from a circle of massacred gophers and they have a pretty quick digestive system. So very quick. Oh, so. Oh, okay. Let's put this in some water. Could I have a flag in? Oh, God.

You touched me. Oh, there's sparks. It's very, very viral. Chebeng. Cheb me. There were sparks. It's very, very, very, very. Chebeng! Chebeng! Oh, oh! Okay. Uh, oh, look! Look at this! Something's growing! Hey, little plant.

It is! It's unfurling! It's... It's not as ugly as I thought it would be! Oh, look at that! Uh... Can I keep this plant? You may! I was going to bury it very far away with no one ever see it, so you may keep it, yes. You know what? I'm gonna water it.

I'm... I'm... I'm gonna grow. And if it gets big enough to go out of this tanker, I'll... I'll plant it someplace. I can feel that plant not listening to me right now. It's beautiful. It really is the essence of him. It's kind of like a pasty, sort of floral situation. Oh, look, it just sprouted a fruit. Don't eat that. It really is the essence of him. It's kind of like a pasty sort of floral situation. Oh look It just sprouted a fruit. Don't eat that it might murder people. I would not eat my own fruit.

Murder fruit. So Usador. Yes. I will ascend to seeing you tonight on the Astro plane because third trial. Okay great third trial Although I'm so uh before, but I cannot hear you talking. I didn't leave you. Look, I'm gonna do it. Oh, lovely. I'm just saying that, you know, look, it's both of these things. I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying that I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying that I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying that I'm gonna do it.

I'm just saying that I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying that I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying that I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying that I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying that I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying that I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying that I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying that I'm gonna do it.

I'm just saying that I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying that I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying that I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying that I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying that I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying that I'm gonna right here, but I cannot hear you talking. I didn't leave you. Look, I'm gonna do it. Oh, lovely. I'm just saying that, you know, look, it's what we're doing. It's good for the goose, but for the gander, I'm not concerned. I've known JinLivia for a very long time, and my heart does not sway and does not betray me. It has taught me to care for you despite all of your terrible instincts.

True. It has allowed me to take care of them, many people here in the food, the so desperately need me as a hero to protect them. And it's taught me to love Genleivia, regardless of whatever her powers require her to do, which would make most other mortal men jealous and furious. I love her anyway.

And if she did this thing, she did it for food itself. Yes, and oh, it's just my foot is rotting for some reason from the toe to the knee. I don't understand. It's a black sort of like a emitting really very. Look at you. Look at here. Look at my arm. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, my. A sitting twins. Oh, my goodness.

That is so much more attractive than my withered flesh over here. Where did you get that, you sadore? It's so manly. I'm not exactly sure, but my arm has been turning into pure obsidian for quite some time. What? And you have this orroverted withering leg. It's a little depressing. Maybe you should stroke my rotting leg with your obsidian. I mean, in public, it's a little bit awkward, but I'm just gonna do it.

Arnie, my vulva is deep blossoming. Oh, oh, oh, oh, my goodness. Oh, you're healing my leg! Oh! You're healing it! Oh, I'm doing it! Oh, it's very suggestive! Yes, yes!

Oh! Oh, well, hi, I... I didn't know that this arm had healing properties. I also have this healing rock. You just want me to smash your leg with that. No, go and try, try. No, it didn't work. Okay, more stroking.

More stroking. Okay, Ahnise. Um, he's gonna continue, huh? I'm gonna keep stroking her leg. My leg! She looks right in your eyes, past you. It's so... I'm gonna keep choking her leg, but she looks right in your eyes, talks to you. It's so, I'm gonna keep talking to you. Okay, third try.

You said we're having a stroke. Oh boy, the third try is really quite hard, and it would may take a couple of years. You must wait. I might be quite hard to take a couple of years. You must give, you must plan to proceed in a woman. You must give birth to a child, you as a couple, and you must... give... you must plant your seed in a woman. You must give birth to a child, you as a couple. And you must abandon that child for maybe almost a year to have to... maybe two years... and never see that child, and that would be accomplished.

You must take this part of your heart and make it wither and sadness, and this child will not even know you if you ever came back. That's what you must do. Arnie, oh my god. You can get that done. I mean, I can't do that. Oh, you did? How excellent!

Now, you haven't saved up any birthday gifts or solstice gifts for this child in the event that you go back and maybe want to reintroduce yourself to him or her. Oh shit, I should be able to say no. Uh, no. Oh excellent, you're hardened! That's excellent.

The mistress of nature and nurture is proud of you. Oh, thanks. Aren't you past congrats? You passed. Wee! Oh, I have a ribbon on my shirt. It's a star. Oh, thank you.

Makes me feel a little bit better. What's wrong, buddy? You're crying. Oh, this is tears. They're beautiful. Can I collect them in a vial? Yeah. Are you overjoyed? Can I have some of those? Yes, you can. Oh, they're very good. Oh, thank you.

You just smelled them. They smell of despair. I mean, I'm happy to be a citizen, but I'm just, you're making me miss my old home. Oh. So you're, you're fearful you never get back. So those were tears for tears? I mean, I'm happy to be a citizen, but I'm just making me miss my old home. Oh. So you're fearful you never get back, so those were tears for fears? Those were tears for fears. That's beautiful.

Well, listen, children are very malleable, and if they don't have another dad already, then they do. Oh, right, they do, right? No, I don't believe that. I'm just trying to help you move past yeah Look guys, it's on my list. I'm gonna get home. I'm gonna get home I'm gonna be reunited with my family. I'm gonna save earth and food. We're gonna get otalk We already are doing season two offices and bosses. You can go to stitch your premium I'm gonna come slash magic and you probably go magic and get a free month

That's it about it's a sort of a magicomantro magic and get a free month that Dead Wizard's baby. What is it about? It's a sort of a magic spell on Earth where people get a free month of access to a podcast service. That sounds like a great deal. So I don't, you know what, as the mistress of nature in nurture, I will not hate you anymore. I will tolerate you.

And I will tell you that I believe that your spunk, your spank, your spunk is spank. Something back, Bradley. We'll allow you to maybe accomplish this. Thank you. And you know what? You two were separated for a long time. It was like six months, was it? Six terrible months.

Oh. And you were so able to make it work. You didn't know what was going on with the other one. We're not reunited. We were reunited in lust, but we have some issues to work out. We have to talk things through and get to a healthier place in our relationship. I think we should have a talking stick. And it's not your stick.

I mean, that's a fair point. But think about it. Consider making the talking stick. You can only talk when you're holding the talking stick. Okay, I don't know. I thought you'd want to watch it. A lot of therapy shows on TV. Oh, you two should try talking as each other.

Oh! You gain a lot of perspective. That is a very interesting way. You said war? Yes. Your genlevia. Try to understand what it's like to be genlevia. If you need any.

What you? Your genlevia and, uh, here. Let me, uh, let me actually transform my fiscal form into that of one more feminine. Woo! I am genlevia. transform my physical form into that of one more feminine. Wooo! I am Genelevia, Wizard of the Sixth Reddome of Ephesius, Mistress of Nature and Nurture, Reviver of the Springs of Gummetecht, Seer of the prophecies of the Tenzin at Miss,

Keeper of the Sacred Tomb of Defraul, and two-time Wizard's Choice Awards nominee, The Elves No Me is, Peremeins, So a theory, The Vampire's No Me is Beyoncé Bloodlust, You're some lemonade, Coachella. The Tree Folk No Me is Pyramanes. So a theory. The vampire's No Me is Beyonce bloodlust. You're some lemonade? Coachella. The tree folk No Me is Opal Vines. I sound like this, what I did.

And upon the Isles of Begas, I am known as Ukasta Kavavista. It has to be my other names and I shall gladly tell you. Now, Yusodor, I want to tell you that though I have perhaps straight at times, you have always been the only true one in my heart, and I shall always return to you, and I sometimes am annoyed by the amount of bird shit in your beard, but I've learned it despite your flaws. In Genlevia, can you talk to Yusador? As Yusador? Oh, let me try that.

I am Yusador! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, She sounds like there's two old guys that sit up at the top of the door. Oh! Oh! Ruh! Ruh! Ruh! Ruh! Oh! Ah! John Libya!

I! And Grimhoff! These two precious people of the Earth! And a food... Love... The... Love thee with all my heart! And I will tell you, even though your ugly, craggy face was very ugly and craggy I would rather have you a old face back.

Ah! Tussin' Ors, how are really bad? He's a really bad person. So, if you could overcome the Dark Lordpact, and return those four skins to all the Selkie, and return thy craggy trick, I will love thee more." Now, Genelevia, as Yucidor, explain that even though some people think we killed Blemish, tell him know that you're not a crook. What?

Just say, I am not a crook in your Yucidor voice. Ah! I am not a crook. What? Just say, I am not a crook in your usage of the voice. Ah. I am not a crook. I am not a crook. I did not kill Blem at what happened? And Ninoj, as I said, I didn't know anything. Thank you. Yeah.

That was the best used to do our intro's ever gone. I know. It made the most sense. Thank you, it meant. It was smooth. Very smooth. You know, just hearing that, aren't you, you overdeemed yourself as far as the mistress of nature,

and you're a nurse, that was the most nurturing thing I've heard you would do. Oh, thank you, Jason. It was beautiful. I would not save you for your drowning. Oh, sure. But I would invite you to dinner. I wouldn't try to swim.

Oh, good. Excellent. But know that I would always swoop in and save you myself. Oh. Cheers. Hello, Chusano. Hello. and save you myself. Oh! Cheers. Hello, Tristan. Hello. Hello.

Oh, do you remember me? Genelevia, so great to see you. I'm glad you're face-fix. That's where Chum's getting it. I think so. Oh, it's one of those things where you start dating someone and you start talking to my ex. You just talk like that. It's the accent.

I dated someone. Are we having pancakes? Okay, do you remember me? Do you remember me from when I would drive you away? It was fire and brimstone and I murdered your family? I mean, it rings a bell, of course. Yes, doesn't it? Well, you snore an iron item now

and I don't want you interfering with him or harassing him with your impostering while I am away, trying to restore the silky population. Oh, wonderful. Excellent. I would never. And you said, or if you ever need a best man, just know that I'm here if you need me.

Oh. As wizards who live forever, it's never even occurred to me. Should we get married? Absolutely not. OK. So why would I do that, Cleve? Myself to one person? Well, I mean, obviously, it'd be an open marriage.

Oh, well, what would be the advantage? So what would be the advantage? It's nice to have a party. What would be the advantage to that? Is it a tax-flaw thing? Okay, well, let's talk about it. Yeah, absolutely. Jinli, I want you to know I forgave you for murdering my family and for treating me poorly, it's all in the past.

And remember folks, knowledge is having the right answer and intelligence is asking the right question. Wow, did you get that of a scroll on the wall? Was there a kitten hanging from it? I mean, yeah. Oh, he's terrible. I know, but you know what? Chant is dating him, so I'm just trying my best. What is he seeing him?

What is he seeing him? No, but Chant, I don't understand a lot of things about Chant. Well, he had low self-esteem. Did he do the nymph dance? Did he heal himself? When did you get him that mushroom? I gave you a lot of assignments last time. This is your had low self-esteem. Did he do the nymph dance? Did he heal himself? Did you get him that mushroom? I gave you a lot of assignments last time. This is true.

I went into the forest to find the golden mushroom. Yeah? You said that three or four or five golden elk had to poop on it. I got to be honest, only two elk poop on it. Well, that was, has he? It's a long time to wait for elk to poop on a specific mushroom. I'm just telling you, he is half healed.

And the void in his psyche in his ego allows this thing to fill it. Fill it in many ways, and if you let them have intercourse, they're going to be married. They're going to be married. He's talking about marriage, because that is his end result with his chunt. Don't let them get married. Okay, thank you, Genelevy. Thank you. So when you finally do consummate your relationship, will they mean two two sedors? I've never thought about that. Force the door?

Force the door, maybe. Hold the door. Hmm, the door. You sedor, I'm going to go restore the Selkie population. I'm going to give everyone their coats back even the four skins of them. And I would like you to, in addition to the 15 other quests and other things you seem to never complete, I would like you to form a guild or some kind of certification situation where wizards can be certified.

Get rid of the imposter, this is very- it's making me a common! I should form some sort of wizard's guild that allows me to be the one who decides who are truly certified as wizards. Oh, you're going to be the one who decides who are truly certified as wizards. Oh, you're going to be the opportune. Well, I can be one of the opportune, we could have a triumphant perhaps. Uh, myself and you and... Can? I like that guy. I like that guy.

He's the one. He's the one. I always say, give it to me, Lius maybe. Oh, Gillespie. Telleth is so rude. You know, Bloth the brown has been pretty depressed. Oh, really? Can you use some funk... yeah, really?

I heard he had a big break up with that unicorn. I think that's what did set him off into this spiral depression. Yeah, give him some paperwork. Help me, happy. Okay, I like this idea. I'll report back next time, and we'll just have intercourse on the... the plane. That's great.

And thank you for the idea for making the gill. Oh, you're quite welcome. Genlevia, if you fix everything for the silkeys, will your face go back being scarred and ragged? Well, now that I have been accepted for everything I am, as Genlevia over here said I think that I And you're gonna get me that olive oil of woe. Yes, and it would probably just a way like that I don't have to do a pact with a dark Lord to do that and murdered accountless people. I just get the oil of woe

Sure, yeah, honey middle hell great check the chunk next time I'll pick it up. I will and I feel more confident now that Yusador told me everything that I needed to hear. And I feel much more self-assured that our relationship is on solid ground. Yes, it's solid-ish. Solid. It's a medium solid.

It's like a medium, you know, we did medium trial, medium solid. It could go bad at any time. It could get better. It's like a thin ice that's pretty thick. I like it. Yes. Yes.

Alright. It's a grain on your wedding day. I'm going to go dive back into these chicken wings or chicken legs or chicken feet, however. And I will see you tonight, baby. See you later tonight. Goodbye. Goodbye, Arnie. I generally be.

I really appreciate the opportunity to give you this opportunity and it's a great opportunity You're quite welcome. So it's a nice to see you again, Jim. I am so worried about you You must get you must get away from him. You must get away from him. Go. Arnie. No. Oh, what's the door? What more than? He has evil in his heart. I just I don't want to tell you anymore than that But it is true. But he has a certain jaw to be. Arnie, what swath is he? He'll give you the scoop.

Scoop a door. Wait, do you know the scoop a door? Yes, scoop a door is amazing! Scoop a door, get over here! I'm gonna fly the vanesong! And so the guest star ascends to the heavens, leaving us standing on just happy to be here Boulevard. Used or the blue wizard was played by Matt Young. Shunt the Badger was played by Adel Raffai.

Genleviya the red wizard was played by special guest Felicia Day. Felicia is currently acting on the magicians, supernatural, and the upcoming new season of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. And if you don't own a TV, check out her book You're Never Weird on the Internet, Almost, Wherever Books occur. And don't forget, season two of offices and bosses is currently in full swing over on Stitcher Premium. To check it out for free, go to Stitcher Premium.com slash Magic

and use promo code Magic to get a free month. This Wednesday's new episode includes the creepy vampires from the first chunt for red October. Haven't heard from them in a while. Here's a clip. Oh, sorry, sorry, I'm like I was a pot racing What it's pot racing What do you see you stand as the top of a hill and you put a peep on and see whose peep on can hit the bottom first

Past the finish line. I was playing a you know,, Sid Boba. No. So Boba. I think I know him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's strapping. Walks on his hands. Yeah, he's jacked. Legs are at your feet that he's jacked.

That's familiar. If you're like, maybe I met him once a long time ago and then just actively forgot about him. Oh, that's rude. But what'd you do that to someone? What'd you do that, honey? I don't know, I felt like. It's such a bink.

I was saying it, I felt like I was being clever, but now I do kind of regrettative. It was sort of a mean thing to say. You are a bit of a bink. Bink? Yeah. When someone's acting way too silly, we call them a bink. Oh, I happen way too silly lately.

I assume you're going up the phantom hill face to do your pod racing. Oh, yep have been way too silly lately. I assume you're going up the Phantom Hill face to do your pod racing? Oh, yep, absolutely. Yes, sir. The pod racing's the only fun thing about that entire hill. I'm sure. It's a terrible hill. It's a bit of a hike.

It's a bit of a hike. Fun! Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arning Neacamp, Ryan to Georgie and Evan Jacover. This episode edited by Chris Rathion. Um, sir, do we have any books on how to extract data from a hard drive that's been accidentally cut in half by a laser saw? Yes, Trisha, right next to those friendship bracelets, Craig and I wove for each other one rainy summer afternoon.

Coming up next, thanks to AutoPlay, that one fresh air with Amy Polar you can't bring yourself to delete. Take it away, Amy!