Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 63 - Genie (w/ Lauren Lapkus)

Episode Date: June 11, 2018

We find a lamp and talk to Crystal the Genie.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungCrystal the Genie: Lauren LapkusCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Football practice! Oh! Craig, be honest with me. Are you evil? Because legally you have to tell me if you're evil. I mean, I made some bad choices along the way, I think I'm basically a good guy. Okay, good, then I'll take that as confirmation that I've officially fixed you. You know, I'm getting pretty good with this laser saw thing.

Wish it wasn't still stuck in my head, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all have things that we wish were different about ourselves. Let's get on with the show, shall we? Hello, from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arneanie Camp. If you're nervous in the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About three years and three threeish months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal

from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast. I record every week here. Well, I was about to say here in the tavern the Vermilion Minotaur. I'm still recovering from the fact that we've been kicked out of the Vermilion Minotaur. So I gotta start saying, here in the tavern, the ruffled feather, in the

town of Hogg's face, in the land of Foon, and the ambient noises here, a little bit different. A little fireburned. A little bit brighter. Yeah, you notice that? Absolutely. Yeah. It's weird that the fireburns brighter, but it's still kind of darker in here. Yeah, right? It's kind of a cool dark magic bar. Yeah, it's like this reminds me of how you described to me. What's that place you described? Spencer's gifts? Yeah.

Yeah, it's like, feels like that. Yeah, cool. Just a lot of life. That's where you said you got a lot of your penis pasta? Didn't you say? I mean, primarily. Yeah, primarily that's, I mean. And that's something that you would prefer

if I needed a I need a lot of a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a lot of if I need a willing to wait. If it's just for me, I'm willing to wait a really long time. Yeah, but sometimes I have guests. Yeah, where I'm having a party. Yeah. And like parties you turn on black lights. Mm-hmm. Which are lights that give off darkness or suck out light. You could be talking about magic right now and I know just as much about how it works. By the way, new listeners, I'm talking to my co-host, Chant the Talking Badger. Chant, here's the thing that I don't think you understand

in this three years and three months. We have all week for you to ask me questions about Earth and for me to funnel my way through trying to explain it and for me to realize, I don't really understand how most of the things on my world work. And when we're on the podcast, people want to know about magic stuff. Gotcha, oh, I'm just there.

Bud Pasta. What's that? Is that Bud Pasta? That's a great question. Is there a lady part pasta? A lotis pasta, if you will. Oh, yeah, I'm sure there must be. Look, I'm only in two kinds of pasta. Peanuts pasta and Fusilli and that's it. Fair enough? Also, I know, like I said, hopefully we get back to Earth one day and bring us with you. But in the meantime, like you said, it's been three years and threeish months. Yeah, we need to get you back out there, my man. Remember I sent you up on a date with the Unwad mother of death?

No, definitely. That didn't go so hard. Just so I'm married. Stop trying to set me up with people. Remember you tried to set me up with Daphne? Yeah. And that ended up making like an enemy for life. Yeah, but it just feels like your wife has to have moved on, right? No. I don't think so. I hope not.

But look, I mean, this is a new a new setting, right? The Ruffle Feathers, a new just for a new beginning. I mean, look over there. There's all sorts of new fresh opportunities. There's the King of Carrot Flowers over there. Oh! The two-headed boy in a jar. Uh-huh. Have that. Have your pick. Oh, also. Anybody take a little fancy? Here's King's juice, sand, and ale.

And of course, I brought the Ruffle Beathers specialty. Color Flower butts. Color Flower butts? Yes, they cut to the very stem off the bottom of the cauliflower and throw out the disgusting florets and they cook them to perfection and then cover them with a nice glaze of molasses. The Usidor said butt in the last two minutes, like five times, it's a very butt-centric episode. But I had a reason every time! It's true, it's fair. Oh, I'm so sorry, Usidor. I'm still out of sorts in our new location. I haven't introduced you yet.

My other co-host, Yusidor, the Wizard. I am Yusidor. Wizard of the twelfth bread, a little Muffeaseus, Master of Light and Shadow. Minipulator of magical lights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarakas. The elves from Yusfie and Yelik. The dwarves know me as Zonen and Huk Stenges, and I am known in the northeast as Gasp Manius Maystar. Glasses. And there may be other secret names. Nanes. I names if air you to discover them in an ancient tomb, and to tell you of great powers that you may obtain. I speak not this word, utter

not my name aloud, less some terrible fate before fate before you yay you may be tempted by the power But surely it would destroy you from the inside out names like happy nonsense. Oh, he just caught on fire and died Drew dead forever are we letting him die? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh wait. Oh god damn it I hear I'll put him out with a free spell Damn it. Alright. I hear. I'll put him out with a free spell. Shwa-wa-ha.

Yeah. I'm gonna live forever! Okay, bye, Drew. Bye forever! Chunk. Um, I just want to quickly say, yeah, thank you for trying to set me up with people. I get it. You're in a relationship now.

So you're taking all of that like, dating energy and trying to like, voice it off onto other people. I'm happy I want my friends to be happy. You know, I'm just trying to bring into the fold. This sounds like it's leading up to a big butt. What are you gonna say? Mm-hmm. But.

There we go. You know, look, I can't, I'm married. I don't wanna try to get into a relationship with a king of carrot flowers, a two headed boy. I can't see myself going up to them and saying, I love you, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, I love you. Yes, I do.

Honor. What is that beautiful magical lamp you have besides you? Ooh! Oh! That's right! Well, you know, did a dark artifact that you bought in the tavern? Well, I don't really have much money anymore, so I traded my socks.

Oh! For a magic lamp. Everyone's been covering your socks ever since you arrived here in Fou. You fucking pumpkin. Look at you. Well, yeah, no. Toes, a kimbap like this is disgusting. I don't know.

It's kind of freeing. You could have asked one of us for money. You just wanted to trade clothes for stuff. Yeah, I guess so. But here's the thing. How many from my world? I don't really value socks. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, the, the lamp. What is it?

I can tell it's a powerful magical artifact, and I must know its secrets. Orth, I think I know what to do with one of these. Just give it a little... Hmm, little rub here. No, thanks. Oh, what's that? Thank you.

Do you hear that? I... Was that coming from the table? Yeah, I think it's from the lamp. Let's not rub it directly. Part of it. I'm gonna knock. I don't want any. A part of me. I'm not selling anything.

We just wanted to perhaps talk to you and have a little conversation. We're not solicitors. What are you? Oh, I'm kind of an interviewer. I interview people and find out about them. Oh. But if most of our guests make that noise when they hear that.

Oh, if it makes you feel any better, I usually get distracted from the interview very quickly and start talking about other things and about myself. OK, I'll come out. Whoa! Whoa! Really unfurled. How do you fit in that?

Oh, it's magic, actually. Yeah. Is that weird? No, it's just magic, yes of course. I am a powerful wizard myself and you are clearly a powerful genie. Yeah, I wouldn't say powerful. Yeah, do I look like a genie? I always felt like I didn't really look a powerful genie. I wouldn't say powerful. Yeah, do I look like a genie? I always felt like I didn't really look like a genie.

I don't wanna say you look like a genie. Yeah, I don't want to put you in a box. I feel like that's a loose, loose kind of question. I don't know, I mean, you knew I was a genie right away, but I always felt like I was kind of unique looking. Well, you came out of a lamp. That's a stereotype, and I made an assumption that I should not have made.

It's not good to make assumptions about people based on where they're from. Exactly, and I don't want to make any assumptions, but we get three wishes, is that fair to say? Is that right? Well, it is right. No, yeah, as you get three wishes, but I don't really feel like doing them today I'm not really like feeling like it so yeah I just don't really want to understand okay I

mean just so you know one of them was gonna be like what do you want or like to set you free or something just so you know yeah no yeah no I'm just like I don't really like talking to people that I watch so like, oh, of course. If I could just like get a second, just kind of regroup. Yeah, I can close yourself. I see. I see.

We came on strong. OK, yeah. Are you an introvert? Yeah, I did this quiz online. On a line? On like a line? Oh, you know how they have those lines. Like a closed line and you put your

Closes on it but when they come back with like results So it was like a Quiz about what your personality type is and it turns out I like to recharge by being alone That's where I get my energy. So yeah, I spend a lot of time in my lab And it's usually better for me that way Yeah, I've a good overwhelmed right now. Oh, well, well, we're very grateful that we've decided to draw your share today, lad. Because we appreciate that everyone is all in their own.

Hers little Johnny! This is Usador the Wizard. My name is Chant. I'm a shapeshifter. This is Arnie. I'm Arnie. I'm from another world. Oh, you could, I mean, well, I don't want to make a judgment based on where you're from,

but you do look like you're from tomorrow. I really am defining people based on where they're from a lot. What's your name? When you're ready. When you're ready. It's crystal. Oh, that's lovely. That's a good stuff. A ball. Oh, is that a family name?

My mom was was really funny. And so she made me that ironically, and it's just been a challenge. So yeah, it's part of why I don't really like talking to people. I get me to find them right away. Just like who I am, you know what I mean? Yeah, I think it's a perfectly lovely name. But if you're unhappy with it,

do you ever consider changing it? Well, yeah, but I'm not really creative. Yeah, because I kind of am someone who's just been taught to do what other people want. So, all the names that come up with are really obvious. I don't know, I just, I'd love to hear three or four of them. Um, okay, one of my top names was Kid Lamp. Whoa. Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh, the whole, so like it's ball is a definitely part of the name. No, our last name is Lam's just understood that it's Liam. Oh, I see. So every Genie has the same last name of Liam. Oh, I see. And like that being said, I could never marry another Genie because it'd be incest. Oh, I sort of liked the first name, Desk.

Desk, Liam. Yes. Oh, that's good. It's a beautiful name. I like that. I feel free to use it if you like it. But to no pressure, we don't. Again, you must go on your own.

Puss up, Teddy! Well, also look on the bright side. Now you don't have to introduce yourself. I'm saying my name is Kid Lamb. You're right. Well, hey, you know, I did say you get three wishes. And if you do have something you want to wish for, I could do that

Just because it's what I'm really most comfortable making Oh, oh, so if you have something you want to wish for now would be the time. Oh, I mean guys We have so many things on our list about the high note talk. Yeah, we have to finish these Bosses got to give me back to earth Find you maybe like, get romance or something? No. No. Oh, we gotta cure, use the doors of City in hand.

We gotta figure out what the deal is with Deusador and whether like, we're in danger from him. I got it, I got it, I got it. Our first wish is for you to try and be a little more extroverted. What? Okay. Shit, I see I'm good at the time. That was a bad choice in a lot of ways.

Here I go. Ooh. She pulled back her bangs. Yeah, so I feel like really different now actually. Oh. I just wanted to say, you guys are so weird. I don't know, is anyone ever told you that? You're weird every day.

I'm like, weird. Like, I like it, but it's weird. Yeah, we're a little weird. Where did you get that shirt? Because it's not typical. Yeah, oh, my wife got me this shirt. I'm guessing for your wife. For your wife?

Is that a Borat reference? What's Borat? We've told you about Borat, right? Oh, Borat. Yeah. Oh, that's the red that hangs out behind the ever-minute tar drinks. Bordrat. Oh, Bordrat. Yeah. Oh, if he's the rat that hangs out behind the Firmane Mentor drinks, he drinks wine. Oh, that's right. And he's always like, my one.

He's a Bordrat. Yeah. Yeah, so we're talking about your wine. Yeah. Crystal, I gave him a new shirt for the Winter Sosis this past holiday season. Yet he still wears this rat-y old pink shirt everywhere he goes. Oh, wow. So you just don't care about what you look like.

I mean, that's only part of it. I mean, look at Crystal. Would you mind describing your ensemble? Yeah, so I'm wearing a gold tassel nipple thing as an outfit. I'm really small. Yeah. But this is from a human sized person, someone like you, I guess. Yeah, yeah.

I found it. Yeah, I made it into a book. It really covers everything. Yeah, so in case anyone can't see me, I'm an inch tall, and then my hair is, I would describe it as like, I don't know, have you ever seen a toothbrush? Yeah. It's just like that. Yeah, very brosely, very hard.

You've seen a toothbrush. Yeah. Have you ever used one? Yeah. Oh, thank you ever used one? Yeah. Oh You yes of course how dare you skeptical how dare you? I'm crystal just one chicken. How's it feel to be a little more extraverted? Is that is that good? Are you feeling okay? I feel really good. I don't know like I didn't really know I have a ton of opinions right now Oh

Yeah, I feel like I just like wanna like just tell you what like what everything is. You may be one install, but you it seems like you're, you know, if you tell him, right? Is it like you feel? Thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah, I feel nuts.

It's awesome. Thank you so much for that wish. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, I feel really good. But is it is it safe for you to change your personality with a wish? Like, should you at least like eat something? Yeah, I mean, I can't really control what other people wish for.

So I guess we'll have to see what happens to me eventually, but I've never done that. No one's ever wished for anything for me. That was really generous of you. Thank you so much. Of course. But at the same time, like, yeah, there's no predicting how it's going to go.

So... Well, let's get you another one. The second wish is that I want wish for you to get a new name That shit. You don't need a wish to do that. I feel also chun don't use up all our wishes before we even go to our sponsor break Yeah, so that's wish number two out of three and there is a limit and three is that Yeah, so I have a new name I don't know if you guys care to know it, can we get that information without wishing for it? It's hard.

Maybe it just has to come up naturally. It's gonna... okay. Well, let's take a quick break and we'll... We'll be right back with... A Jeanie. Yeah, it's an art! So, uh... I keep wanting to call you Crystal. You shouldn't.

Oh, it's my name. Oh, okay. Could I go to the bar and get you a drink with something to eat perhaps? Yeah, I would love a drink. Um, do they have that, that drink that's just like crushed up grapes, but they're really chunky? Oh, a thick wine? Yeah.

Oh, yes, they have, they have lots of bottles of really chunky. Oh, thick wine? Yeah. Oh, yes, they have. They have lots of bottles of thick wine. I love thick wine. Oh, I'll bring you some immediately. I'll take one too and, thick wine, knife and fork for it. Knife and fork, Arnold?

Ah, this has a red potion. No, anyhow. I'll have an ale. So, um, I'm bud. Okay, it feels weird. It feels weird, honestly, that you don't know my name. So I'm gonna introduce myself to you right now. Oh.

Oh, can we do something and feel free to say no. Would you mind getting back into the lamp and then coming out with a gun? Yeah, I love that. Let's get to the Grand Inch and Skirl. I feel like a big team. Yeah, okay, cool. Here I go.

Are you wanna do the honors? Oh, oh, I see. Oh, I'm sorry. Would you prefer a rub or knock? Oh? Rob please. Okay. Feels better inside. Oh, okay Rob, Rob, Rob Hey, it's me. All right, Jeanie. Oh Oh my god

John's what I think we might have a monkey spa situation on our hands. Monkey spa? Our wishes might have dire consequences. Her name is now Alt-Rite Jeannie. What's wrong with that? Last name lamp, but that's unspoken. Oh, sorry. Alt-Rite lamp, the Jeannie?

Oh, right, Jeannie lamp. Oh. Jeannie, my mom name, I don't know. Okay, sorry. Are you really writing that down? Yes, I am. You have to write down Alt-right gd lamp. I do chunt

I just wanted to say like to be fully honest. I don't love the name that I ended up with. Yeah, I feel like you weren't specific enough with your wish You just wish for me to have a new name and this happened It's affecting a lot of things internally for me right now. Yeah, our names are who we are I wish for the third now. Yeah, our names are who we are. I wish for the third wish. No, John! Stop! First of all, don't just go loose cannon.

This is our last wish. To be clear though, everyone gets three. Oh, then fuck it, John, get it out of the way. Please, just do it. Um, I, for Crystal, I wish... Alright, I'm so sorry, for alt-right. I almost didn't know you were talking about that. I'm so sorry for all right, right? Right genie lamp for all right genie lamp for the third wish I wish for you to

Have it all is that that's not specific Here I go Why is there so much shit over here? I'm really stressed. I'm really stressed Okay, I guess I have five kids. I have a full-time job. I'm a CEO of a company. And a thick wine. Oh, a thick wine, great.

What is a pantsuit? I'm wearing a pantsuit, and I have every object known to him. I would say known to man, but probably stuff you never see. No, I haven't seen most of this stuff. Yeah, a bunch of cool stuff. I don't want any of it. I won't sit no to man, but probably stuff you never see. No, I haven't seen most of this stuff. Yeah, a bunch of cool stuff. I don't want any of it. I won't see it in my lamp. I wish we were to have it on.

She seems to have a whisper with that. I know. Use one of your wishes to fix this. Oh, OK. All right, Jeanie, Lam. I got to look at my notes. My scroll here. All right, Jeanie, Lam.

What's my name? What? Don't look at the paper? What's my name? What? Don't look at the paper, what's my name? Your name is Chang. Close it up. Oh, look at my note. Oh, I'm sorry, Chang. And you're a bad guy.

Yes, a shapeshifter. So, all right, Jeannie, okay. I wish, I'm so sorry for you. Carry through up. Richard! All right, Gina. Can't get any help around here. I wish for you to have happiness.

Oh, wow. All our genie kids poofed away. Oh, me and all. I'm starting to feel different. Yeah, I feel really good. Yeah. Call me crystal. Oh, crystal, crystal ball. So, just, crystal glass chandelier. Crystal glass. I want to see how he spells chandelier. I'm gonna do it phonetically. I don't know how it's spelled on this world. I definitely know how to spell it on my world.

Oh, a-s-h-a-n-t-a-l-e-e-r. You wrote Crystal Glass, Chandler Bing. Shandalura Bong, please. Arnie, that's great to know that somewhere deep inside, she was happy with her name. Because when you wish to have true happiness, she reverted back to Chris. I mean, she changed up from the middle part. Yeah Yeah and I actually feel like I'm more like myself again you know kind of

feel like I want to be away from you guys. Oh I get it. But it feels good. Sure. And now how did we get a fourth wish? I was at the ball for a moment. We each get three wishes. Oh yeah so everyone gets three. It's just kind of like the way it is like whoever rubs it gets the first three and then whoever saw them rub it gets the other three. Were you looking when- Oh gonna like the way it is like whoever rubs it gets the first three and then whoever saw them rub it It's not other three. Were you looking when oh I like to watch it when they rub it So you said our what we have collectively I think or wishes left so I did three we definitely have one that's four subtract four from nine. That's five All right, we have five you That's four. Subtract four from nine, that's five. Wait, but I just, all right.

We have five. You have two. Okay, two for me. You have three. Yes, so that's seven. And Chun can get a bonus if one of the wishes goes, well, but if one of the wishes goes, Chun, well, if one of the wishes goes well,

Chun gets a bonus. Chun gets a bonus, and so I determined whether it went well or not. Okay, so we have a good number of wishes, but not a lot. So we can probably only use about half of those to affect her. And then we can use the rest of them

to like solve all of our problems. I know. I've been worried about that zoning issue. I need to use move defense over five feet to make sure that everyone's- Well, you guys are thinking about it. Crystal, you said your mom was very funny. Can I maybe get to know a little bit more about your parents?

Yeah, my mom. Were they genies? She was famous actually. You probably know who my mom is. Well, I mean you can't tell just be looking at me because she fucked a genie. Oh, your mom was not a genie. No, no, yeah. But anyone who has sex with a genie automatically has genie children

They just have a really powerful gene That that tracks yeah, that makes sense Genie yeah, but my mom she was a famous comedian. Oh Her name was punky mothers. Your mom was punky mothers. Yeah, I loved punky mothers. Yeah. Holly her. Arnie, do you know punky mothers? I don't know. Shirley Earths. She had a famous catchphrase. What's going on here? Yeah, she would always say that the end of every joke. So yeah, I listen to it also much. She always plays her own records. Yeah, so do you know the difference between a wandering eye and a lazy eye?

One of them doesn't even know what it's doing and one of it doesn't wanna know what it is. What's going on here? I'm pretty good. I'm becoming a pretty big, punky mother's fan. Yeah, right there, punky. I love punky mothers good. I'm becoming a pretty big punky mother's fan. Yeah, right now. I love monkey mothers But I will show your mother was going to be Lucille ball Have you met the Lucille ball Lucille ball lamp? I've heard of Lucille ball lamp. Yeah, now I haven't used any of my wishes yet

And I think it's high time that I did so I would like to wish I don't it's too late. It's too late. He said for Arnold. Well that one's gone You got interrupted during it That's and that's can't be good for the bonus you guys are really throwing away your wishes so I didn't go well Well, I would like to make my second wish then and my second wait wait wait. How about um All right that one also is gone Before we start throwing away these wishes can you give us advice? Can you give us? Oh, yeah, I mean no one's ever really asked for my opinion about it

Yeah, I mean, I think what you should definitely do is do something that'll help the world. Yeah. You know, you could think really big. Just to give you some criticism. Please, no, give me some. Yes. You're all of your wishes were kind of like about me. Oh, no. It doesn't really matter. Like, you know what you're saying and it does, yeah. Yeah, so that was kind of like short-sighted. Like, you really could have changed a lot of stuff about the world here You could have even just changed stuff about this bar. My wishes were a bit of a shit show Yeah, so a lot of people yeah for some of those she didn't actively say she wanted those things changed I didn't want any of it actually as you can see I was new wish for me to be happy

I went back to who I really originally was so I think like you wait a you could have just made a judgment call based I'm my personality that made you think that I needed stuff that I don't really need and it just was really presumptuous Honestly the best wish granted today was that I learned the lesson Yeah, you didn't even want that so what's going on here? Oh You can't keep changing someone's personality that fast you use a wish to change someone's personality You give them like a month to find a, and then you see where a different wish is gonna get them closer to where they wanna be.

Yes, I mean, is there anything in this world that you really wish would change? Something like, you know, for all the little baby trolls to stop fighting? I have an idea for one of my wishes. Make the baby trolls stop fighting. They're always pulling on each other's hair, twisting it up

and cool little butter and twirls. That sounds like a problem, but I can't. I can't. I don't, I'm gonna go wider, bigger. No, don't wish for that. Don't wish for yourself to go wider and bigger. Oh, no, no, no, no! No!

Ah! Oh! No, just to be clear, you were interrupted, but I wanted that to happen. Oh. I overruled it. Bonus, bonus, please, bonus, bonus,, but I wanted that to happen. No. I overruled it. Bonus, bonus, bonus, bonus, bonus, bonus, bonus, bonus, bonus. And that went really well for me, so you chunk it to bonus, bonus.

Check, pot! Guys, I can't read my notes anymore, I'm too big! Now, I do believe we only have one wish left each. And I believe, I do not wish I believe that we should send on to Defeat the Dark Lord our long-time No, a long-time Nanomi our long-time Nemesis

I think we should finally defeat the Dark Lord with his wish and then the third wish That's a freebie. I think we only have two wishes right? No, you just got a bonus wish. You have one left and you sure has one left. We each have one left. Oh, oh, oh. Dumb quest, dumb question. Okay.

Can we wish for more wishes? Um, no. That's just like, come at every movie. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Oh, you get to watch movies in your lab? Only a genie-related movie. Oh, yes, I love Aladdin, I love Shazam. I don't get it.

I don't have to. I mean, if that's all you're allowed to watch, you're gonna like Shazam. Yes, that's true. I don't know what it's told us about movies, and he often acts him out for us. So if there's another movie you'd like to see, just ask Ronald to like it out for you.

Yeah, there's a movie I always wanted to see. It's called the social network. Oh, Ernie, okay. Well, uh, Winklevoss twins get in here. We've got an idea for a social network. Wait, are you acting? I'm Jesse Eisenberg. What? You're acting out social network? Yeah. That was really funny. Yeah, it's a good movie. I mean, there's a lot more walking and talking. I loved it. Justin Timberlake's in there somewhere. Who? Look, guys, I really, is it terrible for me to use up

one of my wishes or one of your wishes for me not to be so big and wide? I mean, I know the world's got a lot of problems that I want to help fix them, but I'm like Andre the giant big now. And triangle shaped. And triangle shape. And triangle shape, I can't believe this. I think Crystal just threw in there for funsies.

I do like how your head comes to a point now though. Yeah, look, there's no denying that this is a real lot of new stuff for fan artists to draw. They're probably like, I don't know, is there a new way to approach like an aging scruffy guy a pink shirt? Yes, that's what I was going to mention earlier about the pink shirt. Sometimes Arnold, it's a very pleased look on his face. When I mention that he's still wearing the pink shirt and he goes just like a Gilligan, right? And I don't know what that means. Yeah, what does that mean?

The wish you did? Oh, should I waste a wish on such a frivolous thing? Guys, we can only waste most of our wishes. We have to use one wish to do something. I know what I'm saving mine for. I've never had this. Share them with each other before we just actively wish them. That's a good idea.

So mine was gonna be for you to reenact Shizem. Oh, I will do that for you too. Because you said it was the death of Shikille O'Neil's acting career, right? I know. There would have been so much more. I mean, I can only imagine maybe he's revived his acting career since I've been trapped in this world. Sean, yeah. You don't need to wish for that.

You just got to ask. Can you reenact Shazam right now? Not right now. Well, then I'm going to use my wish. Look, you really want me to do it on Mike. Maybe I'll find a way to put it behind a pay-one. What's this pay-wall you're always talking about? I don't know, I keep getting email saying it's important.

Well, this is one of the... I want to wish to get myself back to my own shape. Look, I don't even need to wish to make myself like in better shape than I was. I just want like who I am. But I also want to wish that no one dies. Like that's one of the things we've been trying to do. What about that?

I could wish that no one dies. But think it through. If nobody dies in food, then eventually it's just overpopulation. People are being trampled upon because there's nowhere to live. There's nowhere to go. So much space here though. Well what if we change it slightly? So it's nobody is killed before their tie.

That seems like too big of a loophole. I think you're actually- Also it kind of fucks over in my children's book, everybody dies. That's true. Crystal. Can we ask you some advice? Like how long of a wish?

Can we make a wish really long? Yeah, wish can be a paragraph. Oh, wow. Five to seven, seven, yeah. Well, here, into the short version, I think these are three wishes as I understand them. Correct. No one is killed or murdered before their time. Send on old home. Make on the correct shape again. Well, make on the shape you was before.

Crystal, I have my wish. Okay. Make me look the way I did when this episode began. You have to say I wish. Oh, it's like Jeopardy rules. Okay. I wish that I looked the way I did when this episode began. You have to say I wish. Oh, it's like Jeopardy Rules. Okay, I wish that I looked the way I did when this episode began. Okay, here you go.

It didn't work. Oh, I guess you are slightly less acute. Ah. We're very cute. Yeah, okay. Ooh, anyway, hello from the Magic Tapper. Are you restarting the episode? Oh, okay. Whew, anyway. Hello from the Magic Taffer. Are you restarting the episode? Oh, no, oh, sorry.

There's two more wishes. I honestly really want to go back to my lamp soon. She's getting very tired. I love you guys. I just like, I get it. This show can be exhausting and I need some time to recharge after. I really need to be like, curled up and have a blanket or something. Very well.

Chant, you make the wish about no one being murdered or killed before their time, and I shall make the wish about sending all hope. We'll save it for last. Great! Everyone, this you are about to hear the end of the final episode of Hello from the Magic Tapper. Hi, what was mine again? No one should be murdered or killed with their time I wish for Arnie to give back his socks. What did I say? Shit? Wait, no, what did I say? Oh my gosh my feet feel so warm Thank you, buddy

Chained please. Well now what do I do? Do I do the dark Lord one that he's defeated? Do I do the no one dies? Why not do I send Donald home? Well how important is it to you to get home? It's very important, but I don't wanna leave this world in chaos. Also the void is trying to destroy Earth and food. Like what if I go back to Earth and I'm back with my family,

but only to have everything destroyed by the void? What if? You have to destroy have everything destroyed by the void. What if? You have to destroy the void and stop the noise. Yeah. We haven't done anything to stop the noise. We've been avoiding the noise. Yeah. What if I don't use any of those wishes?

And instead, I wish for knowledge about my obsidian art. Because we learned that it was the key to something you don't know what. You just said I wish for knowledge about my obsidian arm. That's... you're all set. So yeah, what do you know about it? All I have to do is take this arm and stick it into the middle of the void. And I will be able to absorb the void into my arm.

Oh! That's pretty convenient. That's cool. Yeah, it might kill me, but I have to get to the center of the void. That's the kind of concrete detail that feels like we're moving towards an endgame. Here's what I'll say. That was a pretty good wish in terms of what it produced, so maybe a bonus wish. I love it.

I love it when it really went well, and so chunk gets one more bonus wish. I just hate it. Why? He's, he's, let's be honest. He's been wishing the worst. He's the worst wish of all. Okay. You've fucked around enough.

It's time to put best use of our wishes. Ah, Crystal. I wish for Arnie to reenact Shazam. Oh, awesome. I want to see that. I love that movie. Mundo? Thank you. Um, that- oh away. That was terrific. I love that you did it all in like a silent kind of theater style.

That was beautiful, honestly. Yeah, really moving. I can't really do a good shazam voice, so I really wanted to be in a way just visual. I'll have to go back later and kind of cut out the part because it's just a lot of silence. Like I don't want the listeners to have to sit through like 75 but maybe they want to hear our reactions. There was a lot a lot and clapping. Yes, and crying a lot He is really good. I was moved to tears. Me too. I cried, but it was silent, but it was in there. Yeah So that's all your wishes. So that was really fun.

I did I mean I really get I'm really gratified by like helping others so it did feel really good to me I hope you guys feel satisfied by everything. You don't get to go home Yeah, and so yeah, I mean, I'll be honest with you. We squandered almost all those wishes But we actually accomplished more than we have like in months. That's true. That's cool. I mean, I feel kind of bad because I had one wish I was hoping you would wish for. Oh. And it was.

Can you tell? Yeah, I have this little like tray here and if you wished for the right thing, you would be able to see your wife and child in the tray. Oh. And you'd be able to see what they're doing right now. I wish. But you didn't want to, so I guess like- Oh, you'd rather look like a yield sign.

I wish that auto-cooks. You were a big triangle? Oh, no, at the shape of a yield sign? Yep. As you described it, do me. I couldn't say down yield sign. I thought, as from what I read. I couldn't see myself. Well, Crystal, thanks so much for doing your journey thing.

It was fun. Yeah, I'm really glad I got to help you in some ways. Yeah. Yeah, I honestly, if you find me again, you can get three wishes again. It has to come about naturally. So you'd have to come upon the lamp in the wild in some way. That's right.

What do I do with this lamp? You have to leave it somewhere for someone else to find. Oh. That part kind of sucks for me, because I never know who I'm going to get. Yeah. I've had some really rough people lately. You guys were like the best people that I've I've had with. You're not in person, I guess. Oh yeah, I'm a shapeshifter.

Yeah, but you know what I mean. Yeah, well some of the natural dangers of being a genie. Yeah, well I was recently picked up by an ogre and you really wanted me to do a bunch like physical stuff. Oh It was weird like yeah, I mean you know I'm really small I don't really want to talk about it Yeah, but yeah, it's just been just like that. Yeah, and then like some little young kids gone me and

And they They just kept picking me around. I thought it was funny. So yeah, they probably didn't even ever get around a wishing for. No, I think they were rubbing their faces on the lamp as like, wait, it's just something and then I came out and yeah, it was just a whole thing.

So I had, it was trouble for me to get back in. Yeah. Anyway, you guys made it really easy. So I really appreciate that. Yeah, we banged out a lot of wishes real hard. Yeah, I got to feel like really outgoing for a few minutes, which was really interesting. And I feel like you had a full life. You have it. Robert and the

kids and I feel like there's. Oh, yeah, I don't miss them at all. Yeah. Now, can I ask when they got kind of wished away? Do they just cease to exist? Or do they? No, they're so they're in another dimension right now. Floating uncomfortably. So it's really until something. Okay, well, you know what? I'm going to add it to our list of things to accomplish. We got it reconnect you with your family and another dimension. Yeah, Robert and the kids I just tried to get some squiggles on my paper. Okay, um, I noticed that but I thought that meant something to you already keeps calling it shorthand Well, I started to write it down and I was like oh, that's a lot of words. I'm but I I didn't want it to be weird So I just thought at least you went through the motion. Mm-hmm. Yep. Okay, that's a lot of words. But I didn't want it to be weird, so I just started. But at least you went through the motion.

Mm-hmm, yep. Speaking of a lot of words, I have some emails here. This is to chunditgmail.com, that's chundit6t's. This first one is from Greg Hilton. It says, hey chund, I'm only on episode 20, but this question has been plaguing my mind. If you could have as many but holes as you wanted, how many would you have?

Mother fuck! I should've wished for more but holes. Oh, yeah. How many do you want? Oh um, I currently have two. One for any, so one for outies. Two, two and a half? Three? Which way do I go? Two and a half? I don't want to be greedy. I'll give you two and a half. Wow, no. Well I can't wait till next week to get a full report on the consequences of that. Oh, also you can always email me at Magic Tavern at puppies that supplies. It's a real email address and email us Wishes that we should make if we ever find this lamp again like oh, yeah, maybe use the hashtag crystal ball wishes

Oh, yeah, you can tweet at us at Magic Tavern or Chun with 16 or at Yusador the blue and Yeah, tweet at us be very And uh, yeah. Tweet on us. Be very specific with your wording. Now, Crystal. Because you only have 140 characters. 200-80. What?

That must have changed that since I fell into this magical world. Well, I know because people are still trying to type out my full name. Look, Crystal, thank you for your help today, but now you are free to return to your home. Bye bye! Wait! Can you get her back? I don't know. I think there's our refractory period.

What? A refractory period? I can still hear you. You need something. I was just going to say, would you mind taking us out on one more punky mother joke? Oh sure. Just because I'm such a big fan. I'll just pop my head out.

Whoa! Whoa! Hey y'all ever think about what goes down when... oh hold on I messed up. Hey y'all ever think about what y'all ever think about what happens when you take your hat of a ponytail but you didn't brush it uh before you put it up. Ouch am I right? What's going on here? I gotta find that punky mother record. What? I'm gonna throw this lamp. Whoop! Ow!

Oh, macho man does ranti man does found the lamp. Oh, hey. Oh, hey there, brother. It's time for some wishes. Not man. That was a fun one, but I did not like when the Genie completely changed personalities. If a character I like changes personality for no reason, I will have some things to say about it. Anyway, used to know the wizard was played by Matt Young, John the shapeshifter was played

by Alrography, Crystal the Genie was played by Special Guest Lauren Lapkiss, follow her on Instagram or Twitter at Lauren Lapkiss, and check out her podcast's raised by TV, 3DM, and with Special Guest Lauren Lapkiss. Although from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arne and Ecamp, Rhyndi Georgi, and Evan Chikover, this episode edited by Rhyndi Georgi, using by Andy Poland, Logo by Allered Lebon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistant, by Garet Shultz. Ah, Craig, you really do seem to be back to your old self. Well, what did I miss while I was out? Well, you flushed the mysterious man out of the airlock a few weeks ago, and now he's gone.

What? I mean, that's kind of the full recap. Not much else has happened. That's still a big one. I know, I was like, what is even happening? But you were like so determined and focused, and I just was like, I'm gonna give props to that because you seemed like you had a vision, even though we talked about doing it much later. It was the moment you went with it, and I was like,

you know what, good for you. I could use more of that in my life. I guess we should figure out how to drive this thing. If you're not evil anymore, what could possibly go wrong? Yep, I'm pretty sure it's smooth sailing from here on out. Forever, Craig, Craig. Your life is a lie, Craig.