Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 64 - Scholar and Ogre

Episode Date: June 18, 2018

The Scholar from the library of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas returns. And we meet an ogre as well.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungScholar: Craig CackowskiGlorbia: Jaime MoyerFoon Political Roundtable Hosts: Danielle Kurtzleben and Scott DetrowCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. Hey, this is Greg up in the Space Mugger. Things are going great. After a bit of a bumpy star Trish and I are working together and getting a lot done. I'm getting pretty close to decrypting some of the secret files on the main computer. And after this, I'm going to investigate the beige room because I know you don't like going in there.

Yeah, I probably should just get over it, but it's because of all those corpses in there that look exactly like me. Yeah, so leave that one to me. Teamwork! Just in time to start the podcast transmission. That's weird. Guess I'll answer that. Space bunker, correct speaking? Knock, knock.

Who's there? Something that can survive the vacuum of space. Wrong number! Okay, okay, calm down, Craig. Calm down. I know we can figure this out together. Just keep breathing. with a vacuum of space. Yeah, wrong number. Okay, okay, calm down, Craig. Calm down. I know we can figure this out together. Oh, just keep breathing. Now, the episode's starting.

I don't like this. Oh, boy. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. This is everything you need to know. About three years and threeish months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of phone. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi

signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift. And I use that to upload a podcast I record every week here in the tavern and wait for it if you've skipped a few episodes. The ruffled feather. What? I know. Shunt. We've been here a couple weeks, but ituffled feather. What? I know. Shunt, we've been here a couple weeks, but it's still so weird.

The show is so different that we're not in the Vermilion Minotaur. We're in this dark magic bar, the ruffled feather. I know, I still, it still doesn't feel comfortable. And I've been here before when I learned dark magic. I know in the town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon. Did I ever show you any Dark Magic spells? No!

John, if you've been continuing to learn Dark Magic? No, but I can't forget what I know. You can't unknow Dark Magic. Do you wanna see some Dark Magic? I mean, is that gonna make you a store man? Well, he's at the bar right now. Okay, try that quick. Show me just like a little Dark Magic.

Eeeh, he's a baby boop. Oh, you get a wart now. Oh, fucking hell. Is there, can you undo this away? I never learned that. Wait, let me try something. Eee, db, boop. I just got, got two now.

Okay, all right, fair enough. I'm also joined by Yustor, who can help me help me with these two warts. Where did you get two warts from? Some dick with the dark magic. Wait, I don't wanna say that I got two warts. Where did you get two warts from? Ah, some dick with the dark magic. Wait, I don't want to say that I got two warts from some dick. Really? Well, well, well.

My words a little more carefully. That is fair here. I shall remove them. I shall draw my soul. Whoa! Houston, where is it there like some, some like clean, simple sanitary magic you can use to take these warts off? My sword is sanitary. Or can I to take these warts off my sword is sanitary

Or can I just like cut a potato in half soak it on my face and then like bury it under a full moon or something? Sure, if you want to look like an asshole. Hey there, brother. Can I know those off your eyes? I'll do. I'm sorry Macho Mantis Randy Mantis Close enough Hey, you want to know something fun? Uh sure The other day I found a lamp and got three wishes. That is fun Hello, son of. Hey, you wanna know something fun? Sure. The other day I found a lamp and got three wishes. That is fun.

You wanna know what I wish for? I'm not sure, I have time for that. Do you know anything about my hands? Oh. I'm no longer praying. I'm a secular mantis. Wow. That was one of the wishes.

Well, that's great. Is that freeing for you? Very. Yeah. I mean, it was kind of wrapped into my you? Very. Yeah. I mean it was kind of wrapped into my identity but yeah. I mean if Prang was like something that was good for you and lifted you up great but you seem like you wanted to let go of that. Yeah. I don't mean to be rude matrimatus randimatus but you're not the guest on the podcast this week. Oh right. Sorry. Oh you want me to know those off? No, I'm- Yeah, go ahead. Ah!

Ah! Oh, you know what? That was kind of cleaner and less painful than I thought would be. Thank you, Randy. Can I call you Randy? No. Fair enough. Say my full name.

Mmm, Randy, man. Fuck you. Chant, why didn't you jump in at all when I was talking to Macho Mantis, Randy Mantis. Oh, it was so busy. What I'm not doing. Well, there's a pressure. It's what you call that, what did you call that? You call that like the Jeopardy Syndrome?

Where it's like when you're at home, you're like, I know the answer. Yeah, is that what you call that? And when you're on the show, you're like, why won't they let me on the stage? Ugh. Ugh. You said, what's going on?

I'm pulled all my books out for my house. And I'm afraid I'm very busy right now. Those are all the books you have in your house? No, not all of them, but the ones that I'm concerned about this evening, uh, for now that we know that my obsidian arm shall absorb the void. If I am ever thrust to the center of the void, we must find a way to put me in the center of the void. So I'm going through all my ancient tomes that I've taken with me, and I'm studying and researching and looking for magic and truths that may help us accomplish our task. You said, or, that's a very important development from last week,

but we're ignoring an even more important development. But last week, my shop, my five-butt-holes. How has it been with two and a half butt-holes? It's been weird. I think there's a little bit the Crystal Balls magic and also Crystal Ball lamp. Crystal Ball lamp, my apologies. And I think also the Blue Tigers magic,

when I wish for, I think to always have at least two buttholes, I think there's a little bit of... We have conflicting wishes. Yeah, so I think the half butthole just kind of pops up here and there. It's just a really weird sensation. Wait, is it always in the same place? No, it's interesting.

Is it traveling? It's a wandering... Wandering. Yeah. Half butthole. Yeah, fascinating. Oh. He said, or I know this is fascinating.

Oh, no, sorry. Forgive me if this week on the podcast I am somewhat distracted, but I am so engrossed in my tomes that I may not always be listening to what you say, but I feel we are close to defeating the void and I must put all my magical thought and energy into my books. Yeah, that's true. Sean, so are you like poop and semi-circles? Sometimes, but also it's weird, like, crescents? No, not crescents, I wouldn't call him crescence, but there's a unique shape to it.

And then when I pass gas, it sounds like an ocarina. Wow, that's legendary. Yeah. This is a weird transition, but I don't think it could possibly be weird. I'm thinking of moving out of your hovel. It's just, you know, I just feel bad. I feel like a third wheel, you know, I just feel bad. I feel like a third wheel. You know, to the stores coming over all the time. You're in this new and exciting

relationship and I feel like I'm sort of... Yeah, whatever you need, whatever you want. I don't think I didn't notice that anytime two stores around that you'd find reasons to leave or to walk yourself in the room. No, no, I just like to walk around. That's fine. I just, I know that's not true. I just feel like you'd need to make a bit of an effort. I agree. Sorry, I got pulled out of my books and back into this conversation when I heard Arnold wasn't going to be living with you anymore. Yeah.

Yeah, where are you going to stay? Yeah, what are you going to say? I'm going to say what you said, or I say. Did you talk to you, sir, or what? Oh, did I stay with you? Oh. Oh, okay. With you and your interesting box.

Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, boy. Do you hear it. Oh, okay. You know what that means? What? It's awkward. He doesn't want you to... No, no, it's fine. I'm happy about it.

Yeah. Real even. I mean, you saw a girlfriend is way far away. You alright? What are you on, buddy? So, it's not weird. It's not weird for me to stay with. It's not weird, it'll be fine. It's not like I'm busy or working very hard on defeating

the void so that ultimately we can defeat the Dark Lord but you know, yeah feel free to crash and do whatever you do, Halt A. Oh thank you sir. Hey you know we got to have our guests so let me push these books off the table. No, no, I might Well, all right guys. I'm so excited. It's been so long since we've talked to the scholar from the great halls of Tarrakis Yusunor, it's it's the old Librarian of the great halls of Tarrakis. Yes, yes, hello again scholar. Hello. Yes, good to be here. Good to see you. It's good to see you again It's strange not to be in the old VM. I know. Have you ever been to the ruffled feather before? No, it's my first time here.

Oh, thank you for coming all the way here. Yes, it's, uh, it's very dark here. And, uh, just not a good atmosphere. Yes, it's a little frightening, but if you get scared, I find that there's a pinpoint of light and hope in every situation. Simply look at this candle here upon the table, and remember that wherever there is darkness, there is still light. Well, that's a good way of putting it to you, Siddori, yes. May I check those books by the way, although those are your books? Oh, yeah, these are all mine. You're sure? Because you still have a great number of overdue books. Oh, I don't think so.

Oh, yeah. Well, I think should we look through the books and see? No, no, no, no, no, please don't do that. What have we got here? What do we got here? Yes, handmaid of Blurf III, the Dragon Cuck Chronicle. Yes, I brought some of the handmaid of Blurf books today to look for.

Knowing I would be here, so you can return them. Yes, well, not here so you can return them. Yes, well not here. The pages are sticky. Well, you know, when you're trying all sorts of magical potions and polices and saves, sometimes pages stick together, it's true. By the way, One, do you need someone to rub a toad on your face? Oh, yes. To absorb those warts?

Yes, please. All right. Here you are. Oh, thank you. Oh. And Yes, please alright. Here you are. Oh Thank you. Oh The totes absorb the woods. Oh great. Thank you. Surprise that nobody prescribed that before yeah Hey, now you just have bite marks for where the mantis. Yeah. Oh wait. He didn't even bite the I bit around it like one sort of Half-chafed off with this I mean with those cars on your face with those cars on your face

Now you look like you fit into the ruffled feather You look rough and tumble. Oh, no guys. Yeah, would you like to borrow my eye patch? Why would I need your eye patch? Just kind of complete the look all right, you know what you're right. I'm gonna lean into it Hey, on this eye patch. I'm a brand new Arnie. I'm a regular here at the ruffled feather. Would anyone fuck around with Arnie? He's a tough here here. Uh, with the eye patch maybe, um, still your cadence in your tone is a little too soft and sweet. Maybe a longa, elongate the A's and the R's in your first name? Particularly the R's. Yeah.

Arnie. Yeah, there you go. All right. Would anyone else like an eye patch? I'll take one. There you go. Fuck those, Mike. Well, you're heading them out, yes. Let's go ahead. Go.

I'm gonna put on one myself. Now it's just a whole fucking table of eye patch weirdos. Patch boys. Patch boys. I'm the skullar. And I am Yusadar. Wizard of the 12th realm of a feces monster of light and shadow. Many of you later off, magic of light.

The murderer of chaos Trouble the great holes at our office the news to me. Yes, Frank Yock the doors There's a real lilt that crept in there. Yeah. Err, John's please. So, Scholar, it's been a while. For new listeners, could you tell us a little bit about what you do with the Great Halls of Trockus? Well, I'm the librarian with the Great Halls of Trockus.

I do not know my true identity. That's for you. The Scholar is a position that has always existed at the Great Halls of Tarakas and always will exist But it's not always the same person when I accepted the job I put my face in a job by the door and gave up any Memories of my old existence. You don't know who you really are. No, that's true. I don't are you ever curious? Well, if I were to open the jar and look in it

I'm told that I will burst into flames and so I've avoided doing that for that very reason But it's a good job. Is the jar just a safeguard against curiosity or if you're drunk one night, is it like hermitically sealed? Sealed by a hermit? Was it like... Yes, there is a hermit who lives next to the jar, who's forever warning. It's quite annoying, by the way, but he's forever warning me to next to the jar, who's forever warning, it's quite annoying, by the way,

but he's forever warning me to not open the jar, but also kind of tempting me to do so. Sure, a little sweet and sour. Don't you wanna look? He'll say. That's gotta be tough for that hermit, because naturally, he'd probably prefer to be by himself. Yeah, yes, it's very true.

You guys are talking about hermin, correct? Yes, hermin' the hermit. Yes. Oh, he has a lovely daughter. Oh, details. Just some stuff for the young people on the podcast. I feel like I really want to get into Herman's head. Slightly younger.

Slightly younger. But we've been doing an overhaul to our system there. We've been digitizing our system. Oh, what is it? What has it been? As you know, we've had a great number of overdue books and a lot of theft system there. We've been digitizing our system. Oh, what is it? Because as you know, we've had a great number of overdue books and a lot of thefts there. So now we're taking a finger or toe from somebody who checks out a book.

So digitizing it and then when they return the book, they get the finger or toe back. That's nice. It's a good system. It is a good system. But what if I can't start with? It's really up to them. Oh, really? Have you noticed like a like people generally go with one of the fingers over the other? Humans will typically go for a pinky.

Sure. That would have been mine. That would have been mine. Yes. But you're assuming that only humans check out books. So, you know, humans typically would be able to check out up to 20. But some creatures less or more depending on how many digits they are. You would be amazed by many of the technological advances in the Great Holes of Furokis.

The rival, the technology of your world, Arnold, for I often would go there to look at the Microphiche. There's a bigger aquarium with these tiny, tiny little fish in it. Little fish. And they remember everything. Real? Yes, and I've had some of the best conversations I've ever had in my life with microfish with tiny tiny fish. I prefer real big fish

Does anybody prefer real big fish? I mean, oh? Here's a point my life where it's very enjoyable sure. Oh, I dropped my glass pick it up pick it up pick it up Oh got it. Oh, I'm I also have actually a second guest. We're sort of double booked I don't know if you mind scholar. Oh, I'm I also have actually a second guest. We're sorry double booked. I don't know if you mind scholar. Oh no, that's wonderful. We're also the more the merrier I said. We've never had an ogre on. So we have a lady ogre on the show. Lady ogre, sit right here. Thank you offer wearing your patches. Makes me feel a lot better about my one eye. Oh very, very classy, nice work. Would you like a patch? Yeah, well then I'll be going in blind,

but if I'm down, if you're down, you know what I'm saying? A bunch of castaways and cutouts. Why didn't you tell me that you'd book to Glorbia on the show? Oh, what's your name? Glorbia. Is that GLO-R-B-I-A?

1000% correct. Wait, first of all, nothing can be more than 100%. Second of all! How do you two know each other? Well... Well... Glorbia de Haunt's the stacks of the halls of T'Roccus. I live in the stacks of the halls!

You haunt them! I live there! Everybody hates you! The microfiche... Herman? Herman? Me loves me! I'm the one person Herman does like!

Why, oh, I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I Taking books from one place and putting them in another. That's where all my books went sure sure You said or assuming you have done that, Gloria. Why would you do that? It's pretty boring late at night. I don't really have a lot of gentlemen colors Sure, you know move the books around sometimes they make little forts and I get in them and I pretend their houses and Build up on them like a house of you know cards. Oh, it sounds fun. Oh Like a house of, you know, cards. Oh, fun. Sounds fun. Oh, it's a dealers. It's real fun. It is like a house of cards and she's forever doing monologues

by herself, which are very awkward. Yes, I am. I kind of wish I was a political figure here in Foon, but due to the one I and several arrests, I guess I'll never hold offers. Oh, what have you been arrested for? What have I been arrested for? You haven't said it. Follow up question for what haven't I been arrested for?

Follow up question what haven't you been arrested for a good behavior? It's very rare to arrest someone for good behavior, but it does happen. It did happen to me once What were you doing? Well, I saved a village full of people young families children of people, young families, children, elves and dwarves and humans all living side by side in peace and happiness. I, and they did after I had saved the entire town, from a terrible dragon. They decided to throw me into prison, for they were too perfectly happy, and they'd actually hired the dragon to murder them all. Wow, what a delightful story.

Well, it was a utopiaopia and they couldn't maintain it. They had smiles plastered on my faces, but their happiness was only skin deep. It wasn't a true happiness. It was a similacrum of happiness. Can I get a copy of that? Yeah. Sure. Love that story.

So those village people were upset with you? Yes, the village people were very upset with me. What kind of occupations did they have? Well, that was a builder. There was a constable. A lot of them are in the Navy. They should use their arms to form letters. That would be hilarious.

I see. A-a- so, Scaler and Gorg- Gorg- it is Gorgia, G-R-O-O-R-B-I-A. Gorgia, Gorgia, Gorgia, Gorgia, Gorgia, you're gonna live in the books now! Gorgia! That's what of the monologues she does. Gorgia, what? I'm entering some competitions. What?

For my monologues, by the way, there's a... Oh, no! Oh, no! That's really chasing the... They want the ribbon. I'm gonna take it this year. Oh, wow. So you think you could be a champion of the halls of Tarakas? Like this one here?

Yes. I am a champion of the halls of Tarakas. I defeated Telifist the White in Wizardly Magic Battle. Yeah, I'm glad Telifist is just a desk. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, good work. Thank you Championships are for wizards only not for lady ogres. Oh, I won't dignify you by calling you an ogress I'm now I call myself a loger mister, and at least I have a face. I was born with damn

face off now scholar. I must protest if Now scholar, I must protest if Gloria wishes to fight for championship, that is her right. It is the right of every being and we shall not cast someone out or not allow them the same opportunities that all other beings do get to have. If you believe you can do it, I believe in you. Thanks dude. You have it. Gloria, why do you live in the stacks of the library? You could live anywhere.

You could live in the woods like a typical ogres. Oh. Or Lady Ogre. Don't put me in a box. Don't put me in a, I live in the forest in a shire of thickets of, of trees and shitbox, okay? I decided to live in the stacks because I want knowledge. Where did you live before you lived in the stacks because I want knowledge. Where did you live before you lived in the stacks? I lived in a thicket of wood out in the forest. In a shack.

Well, you don't have to live in those places either. You could live in a beautiful house. You know, they do a check now in Funa, if you had any arrests. And so I put in several applications for different homes and never get a go back. That is the worst because a magical constable, sorcerer or a mage will come to you and cast a truth spell on you. And then you'll have to go,

this is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. That's right, and then you're forced to leave. It's like, how did I get here? Oh, no. But there's like a one-tiddle lifetime event. Speaking of Arnie, yeah, you keep saying you're gonna take me to the river. Wash him in the water.

Oh. Take him to the river. Wash him in the water. One day. I'll be washing him down. Is this podcast typically just talking kids? Burn I Mean you have enough episodes and it comes back to it again and again something for the young people again

He knows what he's doing so scholar. I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I brought someone that you don't Necessarily get along with yes this podcast stopped making sense at that point. Well, now I'm just thinking of them. Thinking of what? No, nothing. Nothing. Well, let's take a quick break while Arnie thinks of some and we'll be right back with more Magic Devert.

Hi there, Danielle Kurtz, Laban from the FPR Politics Podcast. And I'm Scott Detro, also from the FPR Politics Podcast. That's FPR, the food and public round tables, where we have measured discussions about issues of the day. Right now at FPR, we're doing what we're best known for. No, not lolling your kids to sleep in the backseat of your ox cart. No, not putting on tiny dungeon concerts full of bands so cool you'll never ever hear of them. No, we're talking about fundraising.

Yet again, we are asking you for money. I know, you're thinking, why must you constantly pump us for our gems and coins? But honestly, think about it people. We have imps running around constantly pooping out currency. Which means inflation is rampant. The FPR endowment is losing value by the hour, who ever designed the Funian economy really should have thought twice, but what can you do? I'll tell you what we'll do.

We want your gold. We want your ears. And so we are willing to spice up our politics coverage to compete with some of the more sensationalistic news organizations. Screaming matches about tatania care, we can do that. Can we ever? But now, political predictions, of course we can do that. Danielle, go.

Okay. Um, seven stars shall fall from the sky, the veil of reality will be rent a sunder, and the quickening shall begin. That's a prophecy we need a prediction. Oh my god, okay. I think the only poll that will matter will be on Election Day. Much better. And if worse comes worse, we're not above meaningless spectacle.

If need be, Detra will just fight a dungeon guard. Live! On air! Wait, I'm doing what now? We even brought one into the studio today for a teaser. What the... Hey! There's a lot going on in the news cycle, but if we have to differentiate ourselves with gratuitous violence, then Bifu will do it.

How? How? Man, that's just unnecessary. Doing great, buddy. I pay grievous. I mean, don't worry. We have healing rocks. Thanks, Daniel.

The FBR Politics podcast. Hitting each other with rocks, so you'll give us money. We'll send a tote bag. So, Scholar, I still can't get over the fact that you... You don't know who you are. I've grown used to it. Do you know how long you've been the Scholar? Well, I... You should always only have a known me as the Scholar, though...

I believe the face is the same face that the scholar is wearing, so maybe it hasn't always been me. We don't know that for sure. I think I've had the job for at least a hundred years. Do you have any past memories? Like, is it possible that you're not the same scholar that we met before? I suppose it's possible, but I definitely remember meeting all of you before, and I remember harassing Yusadour for his overdue books. I remember I wore cargo shorts, if that's helpful. Oh, yeah. So I think I'm the same guy.

Yes, it seems very likely that you would be. If you believe you've been the scholar for a hundred years, it's possible I knew another scholar, but when you put on the scholar's face, perhaps you even retain the memories of that scholar. It is possible that you have a continuous memory far beyond your actual life. That's very true. And sometimes I get visions, just snippets of images. What are some of the things you've seen in those visions? I imagine that I'm returning to a house, and there are children there. My my children, a boy and a girl waiting for me and they're out in the yard. There's a wife,

there's a wife there, yes, and she was. I don't know. She would my my wife. Oh yeah I see. Arnie, do you have any? Look, I'm not gonna go down this road to nowhere. Good, good, good. Guess it's me. Tell us more about these visions. Well, and in the middle of the vision, I, it doesn't feel real, so I spin a coin to see if I keep spinning.

And it does. So that's how I know it's not real. Wow. Do you, being around all those books, being a, you know, librarian, do you ever get the urge to write your own story, to tell your own tale, whatever that might be, whatever you can piece together? Oh, I'm not worthy of that. I merely a servant to the library.

But if you know, knife to your head, like would you have to put that knife away? What are you doing? Why do you do it? Why do I like the interviews? The interviews go so much better when I have a knife to their head, like would you put that knife away? What are you doing? Why the interviews go so much better when I have a knife to their head? We usually don't mention it, but when you call it out, we have to say something about it. I mean, yeah, it was raising the stakes, you know what I mean? I suppose you're right, I've seen a lot in that time. I could write a tell-all, expose about all the wizard's behavior of the years.

Ooh, yes, it's a circus. Oh, my God. Why some of the juicy dirt you have from the Great Halls of Tarakas? Well, a lot of Wands being put in inappropriate places. Oh, notty, notty. I'll be honest, I can fess up to this every young wizard. Wonders where his wand can go. Sure. Yeah.

And the wands are different lengths and different girthes. Yes. It can be quite uncomfortable and quite pleasurable. You get a lot of knot in the wood, and yeah. I like the different size wands. I do take extensive notes of all of my interactions with wizards just so I can remember them. Oh really? Yes. Oh, you got a dossier on me?

Well yes I do as a matter of fact. Ooh. Because I probably have more interactions with you than anyone else, even Herman. Sometimes it's pleasant to interact with you because I'm only interacting with him and he doesn't want to interact with anybody. Yes. Quite a hermit that guy. Yeah totally.

Well perhaps Chantus hummed us something here then. Uh, Scholar, if you are already writing down these stories of your interactions, you're not glorifying yourself and writing your story, you're writing the story of Turokus. In service of Turokus, the library that you serve, you serve even more by putting this history down on paper. And if you're looking for a title, maybe the great halls of, uh, tell all this? Uh-huh. The great halls of tell all this.

That's pretty good. Yes, people will immediately get that. Yes. Yeah. I mean, that's luck. Write that one down, but don't immediately commit to that. Uh-huh. And scholar, if I may make another suggestion,

you may want someone to help you go through those notes. Somebody with focus. Somebody with focus. Somebody with vision. Spintax. Nope. Somebody with about a single eye. Focused on what you have written. Spintax, Spintax, Spintax, Spintax.

Spintax, Spintax, Spintax, Spintax, Spintax. No, no, no, not Spintax. Yes, give him an eye patch. Well, I could give him an eye patch, but he's trapped on Earth. Let's just take Spintax out of the mix right now. Who here has one eye and lives in the library at the great halls of truckers? There are so many in the books. That's a little like that.

And could help you. Man. No, it's not a trick question. No, it's not a trick question. Is it a clock? It's not a clock. One eye. It's a good gas penis.

No, the surgeon was a woman. One, one eye, one eye monster. The surgeon was a woman. One- one-eyed- one-eyed monster. A surgeon. A gloria. I-I'm at gloria. Oh, gee. What? You're saying the gloria and I could write an exposé of the-the halls of Tel-Aulcus?

Uh-uh. I've seen a lot, you know. I'm there when you go home. Shit, it's crazy. Look, I don't go home very often, but yeah, sometimes I need to... You can do it, yeah. Cast your differences aside, I say. Join forces.

And write this history by when you do put pen to paper. Then clearly you have created a path for knowledge for all future wizards. You could call it the Great Tellerals of Tarakas. What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What about Tarakas? Tarakas with your knowledge all night long? The tell-all book of all the wizards and their wands in the Great Holes

by Glorby, Hul-Rak, and the scholar. Mmm. Nice your head. What's your last name again? Hul-Rak. It's a very What's your last name again? It's a very typical ogre last name Arnie don't you you said you knew a lady ogre you said you knew of a princess Fiona On earth you said there's a really popular lady ogre. Oh she was married to a

Shrek or shrink or strip Shrek Shrek Shrek Shrek, or shrink, or strip. Shrek, Shrek, Shrek, Shrek. Shrek, Martin. I'm looking right at you and saying Shrek. And you still look confused. Wait, he's writing on this piece of paper. It says here, at some point mentioned, PsychoKiller also maybe something from his solo albums.

What is this? I already say cascus, say. Ah. Ah. Look, I feel like the title of the book we're going to write is our last concern But writing with somebody else having a partner. I don't know. I usually go to loan and I go it alone I spend all my time alone But I suppose we've seen different things, you know, you know what happens at night

I know it happens during the day. We both know what happens in the afternoon, that's when I wake up. We're both great on the afternoon. Yes, that's our best hour when the light shines in through the great windows, illuminating the books. I want the two of you to stand up and hug it out. Oh, takes me a long time to get out of a seated position. Oh, I am really unfold in the same way. All right, well, there is a knife to my head, so...

Oh! Oh! Oh! Ah! Okay, I'm up! Yes, now we're up! Now, I'm extremely fat and you're over a hundred years old! What a pair!

Now, tentatively putting an arm around the lady ogre. I'm tentatively raising my arm around the scholar! This is so beautiful! I'm putting another arm around her back! I'm putting my arm upon your head! Well, that's comforting. See, there is action on this podcast. It's not just talking heads. Yes. Do you see how beautiful this bond forged between two persons, two beans of phone, how wonderful

it is? Could I get a slight extension on some of these books? A slight extension. Yes. Really? Well, you checked out all those books before A slight extension. Yes! Really? Well, you checked out all those books before we digitize, so we haven't had to take one of your fingers. We are grandfathering those people who have had books out already, so if your grandfather is still alive, we will confiscate him and keep him.

Can I let go now? Oh yes, yes. That was good, that felt good. That was a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Well, I'm afraid I don't have a grandfather for I was born into this world, from a conspiracy of birds and fire and rain and wind, that did see that there was evil afoot,

and they must bring forth a wizard powerful enough to undo the forces of evil. Honey, what the fuck are you ready? Something from the Scorsese, Dachy. What are you doing? What was that caught on trying to... Ugh. Well, now I just keep writing Shrek Shrek Shrek Shrek Shrek Shrek

And I don't know what that even means. Here, you can have a couple of toes. Oh. Oh. Well, thank you. That's fair enough. Yes. Two toes means you get to keep two books. Which two would you like to keep? I want to...

I want Toband's Tales of Fire. Okay, good choice. Can I keep that one? Sure. Good, a lot of good pictures in there. Oh, and I'll keep that original. Maybe, for me, keep one of those. Oh, yeah, I'm way ahead of you on this.

Okay. I keep being the original handmaid in Zublerth. Okay. Yes, yes, very erotic. Very, very good choice. And there's a lot of hidden truth in there. It's not just erotic. It's not just erotic. There's some, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, to achieve it. That's beautiful. Thank you. That's beautiful, Globee. You're under arrest for good advice.

Oh, that's a first. No, seriously, I'm the sheriff in town. You're under arrest. I thought you looked familiar, but then I patched through me. Well, this is, you know what, chicken butt, please let me go. Let some of these fines be waved. Alright, okay, let me, I'll un-arrest you. Can M... what would you do me a solid and let me know?

What are some of your favorite books, Glorby? I know you spend a lot of time in the stacks where you're ranging a lot of time for me, but do you ever take time to... My favorite erotic novel is The Old Man and The Sea Archon. Oh! Very sexy, whee-me. And, uh, I also... Oh, very sexy with me and

A thousand pages of a man having one erotic encounter with the CEO to I guess that sexier than the sea urchin in the old man. I would say that that book is probably in my top 50 erotic ocean novels What's my number one what you want? Okay fine? What's your one? Okay fine, what's your number one through ten? And please call them erotic nauticals. Oh, that's fair. Well number ten is octopus. Ten. Number eight. Oh wait, never mind, yes. I love that octopus. That's keep going? Yeah. All right. Number nine is the C-phones. Oh, no. Number eight is a talking to microfiche. Eight.

Number seven is Sandy Shores Sandy Butts. Seven. Six is here's a clamshell. I'm satisfied. Well, scholar, Glorby, thank you so much for coming on and I'm excited to read the book that you're going to work on. We're excited to write it. It's just going to be great.

You know, it'll be nice to have a coworker in, maybe eventually a acquaintance or friend. It'd be nice if we get to acquaintance. I'd love that. Yes. Start small and build on that, yes. And Arnie and Chant, if you ever wanted to get a library card at the halls of Turok is it's quite easy to get one You just need two forms of ID. Oh So any two items with the initials I and D

Oh, you can bring in an idiot donkey or an indigo dildo and in sex dong Eglue dissection Do you get a lot of them? Those are rare. It's basically people bring in ice and say this is an igloo dissection. But you gotta believe in my, you know, an intrepid dog. Oh! Yes. So just think of two of those and Shrek, you're getting right at your current.

Arnie, give me this. Piece of paper. This must be the place and then you draw a house that's on fire. What is that? I don't know it just came to me. What are you doing with this house? Trying something where I just keep I let my hand just draw while I do the podcast and Maybe it's my subconscious. Yeah, I feel really weird with this eye patch. I feel like it's making me dizzy And you can take it off. Oh, give me this piece of paper. Here's a idle drawing Dizzy and you can get it off. Oh, give me this piece of paper. Here's a idle drawing

Nice you have way there. Yeah, you're halfway there. Good job. Let me read. Oh here. I have one and incontinence diver I guess I have to accept it. It's not mine Have an email here. This is To chantegema.com of course that's chante with six teas. You can always reach us there And this is from James Roger from Tarar on toe is that right? Exactly. What do you know about what's Toronto like? I hear it's very pleasant but I don't know which one it is. What does that mean? I get I get the Canadian cities mixed up a little bit unfortunately. Hello Canada there's no reason make this. Thank you Canadian listeners. So say guys, after listening to the road trip episode, I feel like an opportunity was missed. If you should work in conjure tiny lightning for electricity,

he can certainly conjure some gas. Yes, I can. Listen. Wow, you were holding that one in for a while. It was. That seemed like it was under wraps for maybe even decades. Oh yes, but luckily I was wearing my incontinence diaper. Oh, yep. Oh no! Do you want it back?

No, I'll clean this up later. So are you seeing that we could take an actual road trip versus just sitting in your mental, actual gasoline? Look, we're in charge of hogs face. We're still the mayors of hogs face. When we can get all of this figured out, then we can go off into the rest of food

and I guess go off and take the battle directly to the dark Lord. That's right. Can you put me in that cart and? We'll me around a little bit. I've a hard time walking around food tonight. We look to see some of the sights. Well, once we figure out how to get it to move, yeah. Gloria, talk to me.

Does that mean you're willing to join mine, quest to defeat the Dark Lord? Agreed. As long as I have help to be mobile! We shall make the... Pramulate with the greatest of ease using my magical powers. Yes, the answer is yes! Oh, and I just realized now that I have a membership to the Great Halls of Turokis, I can check out books. Do you have any books on the void? We have hundreds and hundreds of books on the void.

Do you have any root like short ones? Yes, there's one that's a tin volume tone. That's probably the breeziest thing you'll be able to get. I mean, it's the void. It's a very all-encompassing subject. Yes. And you're only halfway there. You give me an Incadent Staper.

Yes, you need two for them. Two for them to lend you. Two for them to lend you. It took me forever to think of that one. Well, you got a glue dissection on the table, so I just, I've got you covered. Come here, Sparky. Look at the bright look in this dog's eye.

He's in trepid. Oh, we get a lot of intrepid dogs. I get a little sleepy. Glorby, would you mind, just because you have that beautiful son or voice, would you mind reading just a chapter from the Dragon Cock Chronicles to help me fall asleep? Maybe not a not a lot. Just maybe the first. I'd love to. I love to. A weird thing for a sheriff to do. Never said I was a good sheriff. entered the castle angrily. Where is she? He exploded. I'm here. I'm in the chamber of darkness. She squealed. Here he comes. Are you ready for another DC? Dark Cornias?

Not those she whispered. Together they mounted each other. It was a ball of mounting. There were circles of bodies mounting. Mounting, mounting, mounting. Wow, oh he's gone. I could go on and he's sleeping like a baby. They mounted each other. They mounted each other. I was curious about that too. Does his engines when two creatures mount each other, it's, fun one, right? Um, right, Trisha?

I don't know, it wasn't really paying attention. I am so freaked out. Look, teamwork will get us through this. You said, or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Badger? Yeah, right. Uh, Chant the Badger was played by Adler Fie. Yes, the scholar was played by Craig Kekowski.

You can see Craig in season five of Drunk History, which resumes on Comedy Central this Tuesday, and listen to Craig's list where Craig makes his wife Carlo watch his 100 favorite movies. Gloria the Ogre was played by Jamie Moyer, who will be headlining at the Detroit Improvestival the first week of August. The Food Political Roundtable host Danielle and Scott were played by Danielle Crutz-Layben and Scott Detro, who are really from the NPR Politics podcast. Definitely check that out.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Ryan DeGeorgie, and Evan Jackover. This episode is edited by Chris Rathjinn. If you want to see a low-from-the-magic-tavern live, go to hellofromthemagictavern.com and check out the live shows tab to get info on the live shows in Indiana in August, and in case you Chris Rathjinn. If that info isn't up yet, it will be soon. Just keep f5 in that. You know, I'm starting to feel a little bit better. Reading the credits always calms me down. It's probably because it's the most boring part. Yeah, me too. You answer it. Okay.

Um, hello? Look, you shot me into space fair enough. That's life during wartime. But you two slippery people can't just leave me out here in the swamp with nothing but flowers. How do you even know that could you hear the episode? I mean, at this point, there's only so many references left they can make. We're not exactly David Lynchy and in our surprise factor. Just go away and stop calling here. We're gonna change the number.

Okay. Okay, he's still alive, but... But he's somewhere else, so... That's good? For now. For now.