Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 65 - Usidore's House (w/ Matt Gourley, Amanda Lund and Mark McConville)

Episode Date: June 25, 2018

An episode recorded from Usidore’s House on top of the hill, dramatically interrupted by real estate agent Axelrod Remax and two of his clients.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungAxelrod ReMax: Mark McConvilleChamblin Bunnycuddle: Matt GourleyBunny Bunnycuddle: Amanda LundMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early and ad-free, on Wondery Plus. Hey, this is Trisha and the Space Bunker. Sorry if we seem a little distracted this week. Matter transfer, InstaVice. We keep getting creepy calls from our old boss who we flushed out of the airlock and thought was dead. Belp Mounted Agonizer? So we've been trying to stockpile as many weapons as we can find around here in case we have

to, I don't know. Do battle or something? Oh, laser saw! Oh, no, no, no, no, Craig, Craig, no, no, don't pull that out of your head. Just leave it there. Yeah. Hey, do you know how to use an Umbra staff? Oh, my God! Uh!

Um... Hello? Hey, I'll get to my revenge in a second, but first, I mean, Roseanne without Roseanne, I don't know. I'm hanging up now, goodbye. I'll go look for more weapons. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast on the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arneanie Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, it's okay.

This is everything you need to know. About three years and three months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast, I record every week, well, usually in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, and then in the tavern, the ruffled feather, but we got kicked out of the Vermilion Minotaur, so you know what, I'm staying with Yusador at his place. Yes, I'm thrilled about it.

And I just set up my podcasting equipment. I'm like, let's do an episode in Yusador's house at the top of the hill in the town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon. Oh, fun, because it's not like I'm busy with work trying to defeat evil everywhere. But look, Yusador, your house is, this hill is really high and I didn't want to trek all of my stuff back down to the tavern.

Let's just do an ep in your house! Well, fine. You have invaded my sanctum and now we shall cast your pod from here. Yusador, have you considered like putting some clothes on? No. When you're working from home, you have to like get dressed up. Look, I know how magic works, and I know that in your natural state, when your penis is fully exposed to the world, the magical energies that can course through thine testes, through thine sagging breasts, and through thine nipples is surely the most potent magical energy

of all. My robes are just an encumbrance that I wear for the rest of the world. Well, I'm also joined by my other co-host, Chump the Talking Badger. Oh yeah, baby. How you doing, bud? Doing pretty good.

I have a lot of fun with this Grim War over here, I found. Oh, wow, yeah. You know, you've got a lot of cool, old, weird stuff. Oh, thank you. Yes, I've been collecting it for the full 300 years of my life. And in each grimoire, each tone, each scroll, I each rock with a room, scribed upon it. There may be some secret.

By some secret that is the key to defeating evil everywhere. And I've had fun, this cat, and I've been chasing each other around the house. It's really fun. Hi. You mean, contentics. Yes, contentics. Great. Cran-tentics.

What is it? Cran-tentics. I'll just call it kid-a-cat. Okay. Are you ready to have your metal-like cat before this is a like cat? What's a like cat? Anytime you lie, it'll call you out on it. Oh, okay.

That's interesting. Oh, wow. Oh, it just meowed in his day. What? Just called you out. Oh, okay, that's interesting. Oh, wow. Oh, it just meowed in his day. What? It's called you out. Oh, no. It must be meowing about something else. I just did it again.

God, love that cat. Should I lock it in the other room? Yeah, please do. Here can the cat. Here can the cat. You don't need to lock it in the other room. I'll put it in a sphere of isolation. Grump, y'all, jump.

It's probably going to be more pleasant for the cat to be in the other room. Yes, but now we can bounce around like a ball. Oh, oh! Cat ball. Let's play a game of cat ball. Aren't you here with the cat ball? Oh, do you want to play cat ball? I do want to play cat ball.

Here's a cat or a mitt. Oh, I can tell it's his even side of that. Mm-hmm. Finally, won't play. What's going on to you, Big-A? Well, you know what? After I decided to move out of your hovel, John, to give you a little space with you and your new boyfriend,

you know, I've been staying here with Yusador. It's, uh, you know, upgrade, lateral move. Uh, let's say lateral, but you know, it's good. It's good to get out, like, see new places. You know, I've been reading through some of Yusador's books, trying to maybe I can solve this problem from the void from the other world. Wow, what have you read?

What tomes have you, uh, poured over? Well, I started with the handmaid and some blurf. Mm-hmm. Pretty good. It's a pretty spicy stuff. Isn't that anodica? Arotic nautical fiction? Oh, yeah, it's good, but Yusor says there's a lot of magical knowledge in it, so I'm slowly working my way up to the Grim Wars.

Yusudor, what are you doing over there? We're looking through your stuff. I'm cleaning up potion bottles. I have magical work to do. Yusudor, we're doing an episode right now. I don't have time, please. Good fight. I am Yador, wizard of the twelfth realm of a fecesious master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical lights, D-O-O-O-O-O-K-O-S!

Champion of the great holes of Turokus, the elves noobiest fying Eloc, the dwarves noobiest zoning in Hukestangies, and I am known in the northeast as Gassmeneus Mastar. That's anus. And there may be other secret names. I, Names, that have vowed to look carefully around my house

at the top of the hill. You would surely find one of them. Oh. Look, I found all these geodes! Oh! Don't look at those. Are they magical geodes? Of course they're magical.

That's why they're here. Do you think I just picked up some crap geodes? I'm sure the door will be replaced if you would step into the front area of the house. Oh, oh, oh, these vaulted ceilings, oh! Yes, compared to the last property you was shown, of course these ceilings are much higher. Oh, the flag of the red fin. It is my bitter mortal enemy, Axel Rodri Max. He's or you didn't tell us you were showing today?

I'm not. But then why is there a real estate agent here? You are showing today, Rackaloon. Oh no. Youseneur, we have guests. You're showing today. Put something on. Let me just get my senses about me.

I can't see very well, you know. So I use a sort of echolocation to find my way about the place. Oh lots of blush lots of stone. Oh yes. Hey this way honey. Thank you. I do love it when she clicks at me. It's not at all a nagging click. Do you think the hill will be much of a problem scaling it day to day as you go about your business in Hulk's face. No, we'll put in one of those stair rail, you know, enchanted lifts. Oh, you'll be fine, honey.

See? So, well then, I think it's settled. They'll take it. Nothing is settled. I'm not selling my house. Are there ruffians about? No, ruffians, sir. You stand before one of the greatest wizards of all time. You said all lost this house with us on the market.

Yes, there is no fair and square in real estate, isn't that right, chunt? It's unfair and circular. Darling, you're gonna have to fight them to the death. I really don't want to. I'm not going to fight you. I'm not going to fight you. I'm not going to fight you. I'm not going to fight you. I'm not going to fight you. I'm not going to fight you. Yes, there is no fair and square in real estate. Isn't that right, Chunt? It's unfair and circular. Darling, you're gonna have to fight them to the death. I really want this house. It's perfect.

Bunny honey, of course. I'll have it made for you. Done for you. Read done for you. Anything you want, she's such a gemma-dover, peach and angel. Wait, I'm not gonna fight anybody I don't know. I know Axelrod Remax. Who are you? I'm Chamberlain Bunny Cuddle. And isn't it fate that I married someone named Bunny? Bunny Bunny Cuddle. Bunny Bunny Bunny Cuddle? Bunny Bunny Bunny.

It's a pleasure to meet you. On Chante. Hmm. Where should I say on Chante? My echolocation is sensing a sort of proximity between you two that makes me uncomfortable. He is rather close, isn't he? I think so, thank you for confirming. Well, this house isn't that big.

You've seen bigger houses. I've shown you castles. I've shown you demi-castles. I've shown you semi-castles. Right. We were looking for something a bit more manageable in my older age. Yes, my husband's very, very, very, very near death. How old you?

And follow a question, how near death? Well, first, to the distinguished badger. I am so old as to so soon. How old are you? Thank you. You followed my former career. I was quite a salumentary in the commoners seat in the taverns. But listen, my years have exceeded

numbers, so it is not known. But ways back in the past, the wiz ad that I used as my general physician told me that I was due to die a day after the last time we met Redfin or whatever the shit your name is and I since have had a second opinion and he has given me a longer lease on life but to be assured I am dying tomorrow that is Honey, I hope you do because I've already have a big party planned all right in the last time We had to turn your death party into an early birthday party for myself, which is very inconsiderate. I apologize, but I was quite a festivity and I hope the

consolation wasn't how much we did celebrate your birthday. Right. And a lot of the decorations and the traditions for what I would have to imagine would be a death party probably just seem out of place at a birthday party have you attended a death party no but I'd love to hear more about it well mine in particular was very celebratory you know she put it all together and if you wouldn't have known better you would have thought it would have been a happy occasion how celebratory was it we had a bouncy bench I do recognize you from the front row of

Susper Ellis chuckle hutch back you know are you love this guy I recognize in the mini-step to the door He's the funniest fucking guy. Oh wow you used to play at Susper Ellis chuckle hutch. That's exactly right. Oh Guys we're overlooking a very important detail. What what are you doing a bouncy bench? Oh? Well you sit on it. Oh over and over again you can't help but do that. Until the cake is brought out. Oh a cake is set aflame and the person who's dying is to blow out the flame. And I was inside the cake and I was gonna bounce out in a fun little number but it got real hot in there. But part of the reason I never died is I didn't have enough lung capacity to blow out the condol's condol's condol's. Excuse me, I have a cold.

And so I couldn't blow out the candles on my own death cake. I was sad for you. I know. So if you don't blow out the candles, you don't die. Now you've figured out the trick of life, my boy. If you don't have a bucket list, you can't die. Maybe that's why I haven't died yet. I've been very, um, what's the opposite of proactive?

Anti-active. I've been very anti-active. It's all my anti-activities. Connective. Let's call the whole thing off. Now, if you need even a third opinion, I, as a great wizard and magician of note, could look over you and see if there's perhaps a chance to even heal you and make you whole again. Bunny, she handles all of my arrangements.

Bunny, would you like me to try to make your husband younger again? Hmm. Oh! Ha! That's interesting. That's possible. Yes? Oh yes.

You know, I'm just gonna have to... Hmm. Who is there, Kitty Cat, and here? My allergies are acting up. I was really counting on him maybe dropping dead sooner rather than later. Okay. You know, I just don't ask of any more questions.

All right, fine. Even though I have excellent attuning of my hearing because of my loss of eyesight, I didn't catch what you just said, but no worry. How attuned are they? Well, I'll tell you. This boy. Now I do remember you were the one that would make those special little tunics with little

slogans of mine and you'd sing in the front row. Oh yeah. Oh, that was a good time. Now, if you were to make my husband younger, would that make him erectile functional again because I don't want that? No, certainly not. For the price, a second youth is that you are sexually inactive. That was the price for my first youth. So, look, it's a little rude of you guys to barge in here, but we're doing a podcast and we don't have any guests. I do love podcasting.

Oh, whatever it may be. You're fantastic. Axelrod. Yes. What have you been up to since last time we saw you? It's been a difficult time. Yeah. Yes.

Pocket listings everywhere. What's a pocket listing? It's a listing that shows up in everyone's pocket. Oh, that's why I've been getting these pieces of paper in my pocket? Yes, they're everywhere It's difficult to make transactions you see. Do I hear correctly? Are you now selling leases on life? I am Of course. Aren't you should buy a new lease on life? Oh, what happens if I have a new lease on life? Well, do you pay me in a series of rings? That's all a series of them. I have to have my payment in a series

That's right. Yes once you procure payment you send have my payment in a series. That's right. Yes. Once you procure a payment, you send it my way, and you have a new lease on life, and you will still be able to get boners. Oh, okay. That's a huge plus. I like things. Alright, so it's sort of like a reverse mortgage with boners. I suppose it is.

Oh wait, no, but I'm still paying. It's just a mortgage with boners, though, with boners. Well, see if your blue charlatan can provide you with that. How dare you. Oh wait now, but I'm still paying. It's just a mortgage with boners though with boners. See if your blue charlatan can provide you with that. How dare you. You see now I stand here nude with no pocket on me. Your pocket listing's not making your way to me. Oh, I defeated you once again. No trouble with boners.

Yes, look. I'll knock the cat over. Oh, come here pussy. Too much double and simple. I'm Tundra. Is the, you knocked the cat over in a bubble, are you playing cat ball? Oh, do you want to play cat ball? I wouldn't say no. Oh, the cat didn't hiss, he meant it. Let's do it.

John, you really wanted to play cat ball before? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, well, why don't you get over there on the couch? Oh, I'm sorry, I don't want to play. Oh. Then I don't wanted to play Cat Ball before? Yeah, absolutely. Um, okay. Well, why don't you get over there on the couch? Oh, I'm sorry. I don't want to play. Oh. Then I don't want to play. What? Well, we have guests who want to play Cat Ball. That's a good way to determine how much actual square footage there is in this Huffle.

I have an idea. We shall play a game of Cat Ball to see if my house is truly for sale. If we win, I keep my house. If you win, you can sell my house to this lovely couple. Okay, but I should warn you, Bunny was the cat ball champion and her all girls accounted me. That's right. We were the first women legally allowed to play cat ball.

That's right. We can do very well. Yeah, the league of your own. I did. Wow. Bunny, I have to say, you look so active and fit and you just have a glow about you. What are your other interests?

Like, what do you do day to day? Or, like, what are your hobbies? Oh, I love to tan. Ooh. I love to exfoliate. Ooh. She looks folied me sometimes. And let me tell you the amount that comes off.

Oh, I see. So it's not yourself. You like to tan and exfoliate. Oh, my husband. Oh. Tans my skin, but like leather tan. Oh, I see. So it's not yourself. You like to tan and exfoliate. Oh, my husband. Oh, I see. Tans my skin, but like leather tan. Oh, yeah. I can see it.

What do you think tanning is? I guess I thought that it was like, I thought it was like the part of the blade that goes into the handle. Oh, well, I'm glad I asked. Me too. Well, let's set up a cap all field. And we'll maybe take a quick break while we do that.

Oh yeah, we'll take a quick break and we'll set what Chen said. I was just literally starting to repeat what you said. We'll take a break and while we're taking that break, correct me if I'm getting any part of this wrong, we'll set up the cat ball field. I have an idea. Yeah? I say we take a break, then set up the cat ball field. Good idea. Let's take a break and set up the cat ball But before we do that, uh-huh. Let's take a break to set up a cat ball field. I like it

Let me translate She said fuck the break. Let's keep rolling. Oh, oh, yeah We could do that way. Oh, oh, we could take a break and set up the cat ball field. We'll be right back. Let's go with that one. I gotta say, the setting up of that cat field was pretty interesting. Mom, you just meowed.

Yeah, there. All right, so we have our team set up. You three are up first, so who do you want to be your first cat kicker? Of course, it should be Bunny as she has the most experience. Let me add her. Let me add that kitty cat. She's a real peach, okay? So, I'll pitch. Here we go. You two ready in the outfield?

I'm ready. Oh, I thought I was spectating. You're in the primary position on me. The primary position. It's three against three skins against shirts And I'm only wearing a shirt Guys already she's Donald ducking it. Is that what you called it? Yeah, we call it Donald ducking it. I wish I could see Hold on let me echo locate that Whoa, that's a cavern

I hate that. Whoa! That's a cavern. Thank you. Okay guys, I'll play to help save you Sidore's home, but I have to warn you, when I was a child and I played baseball, I played in the outfield, and I mostly put my catching mitt on my head and spun around in circles.

And that is a true story. All right, they just scored. Just scored a point while you were telling that awful story. Oh no, do we lose points for anecdotes? All right, try and pay attention. Stor-er, hey, what? They just scored. It scored a point while you were telling that awful story. Oh no, do we lose points for anecdotes? Alright, try and pay attention to that. Okay, okay. Okay, so Bunny just scored.

Axel rods up next. Yeah! Oh, that was a six pointer. Was six pointer? Okay guys, real quick. No one told me how to play this game or what I'm supposed to be doing. The rules of the game are very simple.

It's a child's game, Ani. This is like the actor's nightmare, tapping to play a sport. To... The rules of the game are very simple. Two teens face off against one another. They take the cat ball, they throw it or pitch it as truncete as hard as they can. The further you throw it, the more points you get.

And the opposing team tries to bat it down or murder the cat. Oh. Leather murders the cat gets the more points you get, and the opposing team tries to bat it down, or murder the cat. Oh! Whoever murders the cat gets the most points. Oh, but the cat can't see it coming. Alright old man, let's see what you've got. Oh, one for the money, two to get my flow, three to get Freddy for he's my bro. Oh no! Oh, his foot shattered.

Oh, that's an automatic three pointer, isn't it? That's all right, just leave it. Okay. Well, they're already ahead, 10 to 0. Arnold, it's your turn to pitch. Okay. Um, hey, guys, look over there! What?

He's murdered the cat! Oh no! Oh, oh. Oh, but the cat sent me a note right before it died. Oh. What? Arnie's about to murder me. He saw it coming. He saw it coming.

What a useless death! That's all right. I'll just, uh, I'll conjure another cat. Rawr, rawr. Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y- Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, Registri throne cat ball in all the history of cat ball Bonded with the cat. That's 12 points. What are we going to do? We're really doing badly. Someone file away that diddy I just wrote for. I don't know parallel universe use and future of some kind.

Sure. I think that one's too good to pass up. I've got a plan. You store. Okay. Give Arnie the cat. Okay. Arnie, you're going to be on first base. And you're going to let Chamberlain lead off a little bit, right? You said it was gonna act like he has the cat, but then when he throws there's gonna be nothing Then you pull the cat out of your glove You've had it the whole time and you tag Chamberlain out. I forgot to tell you about the bases when I explain the rules

Okay, I've heard everything they say because of my echo location Although I didn't understand it and I can't really relay it to you. Glad we spent time doing this. I agree friend. Should we do a cheer? Let's. One for the food. Two for the yummy. Three for my stomach that's full of yummy. Go team Riki! Reeky! Guys, that cheer was so good, it's really hurting my morale. Well, let's get ourselves a team cheer.

Okay, can we cheer something when you make it look like the cat has disappeared? Can we go? Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. Ain't no trouble anymore. I wish I knew what was happening right now. Yeah, us! Yeah, yes.

That cheer did not hurt my morale at all. How unhurt was it? I'm flashing back. Careful, he's going to make me think of a better time and I won't be so up to play catball. Look guys, I just think we're going to lose this game. Maybe we can talk them out of wanting to move to Hogs face. That's what your skill is, right? City down and talking through it?

Yeah, let's use my amazing talking skills. Hey folks! Hello! Oh, if you're tired of the game, One, you do seem to be perspiring quite a bit. Yeah. We've decided to use one of our 15 timeouts. Yes.

While we're in timeout, I was just kind of curious, what brings you to Hawkes' face? Well, we love the neighborhood. It's a great school district, even though I am in fertile. Uh-huh. Location, location, location. We've seen several properties in the north, east, and the southwest, and the east, and the west, and the south,

and the north. None of them compared to this place. We love the amount of crime. Oh, yeah. It's just the right amount isn't it? Yeah, because some places when there's just none. Oh, so boring. Right. And that road, please, there's access everywhere from here. No, that's very true. And there is a wonderful food scene here. Is there room for a pool? A pool of what? I've never thought of it before. Beans? Beans? You'll be happy to know then, right behind this hanging curtain. A pool of beans has already been installed. Don't fall for its sorcery. It's an illusion. Oh, let me in. Oh, this is nice. Oh, Jesus, it's not an illusion. Oh, this is so nice.

That is a real pool of beans. I'm impressed. Look at me. Look at me, everyone. I can do the split lobster. Woo! She just got a shirt on. Oh, some beans are missing darling.

We'll find them later. I want a pool of beans so that I can do one better when a friend says I don't give a hill of beans. Oh, really? Well, guess what, friend, I'll say to him, I don't give a pool and he'll get me on the semantics that a hill might still be more than a pool of beans. But by then, we will have parted ways. Oh, can you just dial ready? She's so mean. Did you not want to move other places because the Dark Lord has taken over so much of food?

And this is one of the few places that has a truce? That sounds right. You didn't tell us about that. That seems like it will matter and resale value. Of course it will. But what's really reselling other than recycling a house? Oh, Axelrod. I see now.

You haven't done all the full legal disclosures that you must do. Oh, no. What do you mean? I've been so busy with the Cold Well banker. Look me directly in the eye. Here by the power of you, Sador, I compel you to do your legal real estate agent disclosures. These properties are not for sale.

What? Excuse me? These properties are gotten by ill-gotten game. Everything's for sale. Name your price. Me? This is how I operate. No, I- Yes, everything is for sale. I'll take it. Are you saying that none of the properties you've shown them have ever been for sale? No, but everything has its price, and sometimes that price is someone's life. Ah, oh, you threaten me in here in my own home. When I am at my full glory, capable of accessing every single one of mine powers, Axel Robbery Max, you are a dangerous person, but do not cross you, Sador. The last time we met, Sador, you gave me three stones

to give me the confidence of a bear. I did. A moderate amount of flight. That's right. And then also to be very charming. You know, I've used those to come here to try to take your own house from you. Arnie, Arnie, while Axelrod is picking up bunny,

talk to me over here. Oh, sure. You're being conactive, okay? And I think that's a big con-air, all right? Yeah, so when he puts down the bunny, okay? You need to stand up to him. All right, I know I've said before that one of the people you don't want to cross in food is a real estate Agent, but stand your fucking ground. Okay, your friends need you, okay? Okay? Axelrod put the bunny down. Okay. Hey put me down. And I'm here too. Yeah, that was bull. Yeah. How did this cat ball get behind me? What? Okay. Hey put me down. And I'm here too. Oh

That was bold. Yeah. How did this cat ball get behind me? What? You've won. That's right Well, you thought the time out was still happening and I distracted you with your disclosures. I through the cat ball further than anyone else We've used our natural ability to lose track of time. So does that mean we will not be able to buy this house? I'm afraid not. It is not for sale. Oh, bunny, I am so ever sorry. I'm mad. Oh, do you see? Do you see what happens when she is mad? Honey, I think I've seen through what's truly happening here.

You're at the top of a hill. Have you ever thought about just pushing Champlain down the hill? I hear you very well. You should have written it before I do not see you strong. I have tried to murder my husband so many times in so many creative ways, and this man, and this is why I love him. Every time he somehow does not die. Sometimes I try to help her, and even then I can't seem to pass. We're crazy, but we love each other. And may I say, on top of that, she's asked me to try to kill him several times with several different methods and nothing.

Wow. Well, hey, just enough to give it away, have you tried this? Let me script. I can't see a thing. Ooh. Oh, I haven't. Nothing wow well, hey just enough to give it away heavy tried this let me I haven't oh what about this That I have oh really that one very close so miss very close But but somehow because of the the deep tan in the exfoliation he's flame retardant. Oh. Remember the time you put me in the stiletto tumbler? Me in just a bunch of knives, tumbling around for hours,

and I still came out fine. One time I trapped him in a huge cocktail shaker and gave him to a giant. What a journey. Talk about being Jonah in the belly of a whale, I imagine. Whatever that may be. Have we told you about Jonah in the belly of a whale, I imagine. Whatever that may be. Have we told you about Jonah in the belly of the whale? No. Oh, it's a fascinating happenance.

I'm always interested in hearing a good happenance. There was a brave hero named Jonah, and he decided that he was going to defeat the sea, and everyone told him that's stupid. It doesn't make any sense to defeat the sea. And he said, Neh, I shall not be discouraged. I shall fight back. He found a whale. He lived inside of the whale.

And he controlled the whale like a giant machine. And in that way, he defeated the variation itself. And that's what I did with the giant. I built of sort of captains wheel and steered him like a large robot. You know, a robot. The SNF. Yeah, a tomato, a tomato.

My favorite, my favorite play is a tomato on Constable. It's very good. It's so good. I didn't like the two sequels. No, not so good. And the new one that they created where they re-created the whole thing with the new boots I did not care for the rebooted one. I agree, but the cartoon was wonderful.

Yes, it was. I agree, but the cartoon was wonderful. Yes, it was. I only watched rom-cons. Oh, romantic confidence schemes. Well, that is all about sex. What is this? Are you living a rom-con? I might be.

Oh, honey, she's so coy. How coy is she? I'll tell you, friend. She's so coy. I don't even know how coy she is. And that's me, I'm at my time. Well, Axelrad Chamberlain, bunny, bunny, bunny. Thank you for being on the podcast. Thank you for having us in your lovely home.

Our would be home. Well, I realize that my house is not for sale and you cannot buy it from me. But you can live inside of my wizard hat for only 2300 gold pieces a month. It's for rent! That is the reasonable amount of money to live in a very unique living situation. Bunny, honey. What do you think of it? Do you always wear the hat on your head?

Yes, I do. I'm never without it. So the ground floor would be a type of shared carpeting that is your hair? That is exactly correct. Oh, I missed the days of shared carpeting. And does that mean we'd be real teeny tiny? Yes, you'd shrink down whenever you live inside of it, and it's whenever you need to leave, you'd return to full size. There's... In the interest of full disclosure, how many deaths have happened inside your hat? I'm not too worried about that. I believe just one. And of course there are 17 bedrooms, four full baths, a circular staircase, a grand piano, all marble flooring and marble ceilings and marble walls.

Walking closet? Fourteen of them. Living closet? Seven. Ha! Use the door. Yes. We have a considered working them. Living closet? Seven. Huh. New citron. Yes? We have a considered working...

Four. I don't know. Centaur 21 or the Cold Well Banker? Or any number of other real estate estates? I... I never have thought of it before. I think you may have the stuff old man. What if I were to put upon the coal blazer of the very centa 21?

By what evil powers would I contain within myself? Combined with my wizardly prowess, certainly I would be powerful enough to destroy the whole world! Niii! I reject your temptation! Eh, careful you said, or the real estate agent is the third or fourth most dangerous thing in food as far as I can remember. Mm-hmm, definitely in the top five. Yep. We'll take it!

Yeah! Hooray! Wow, you said, are you flipped that hat? What are we going to be on that? I-I-I-it's one of my favorite buzz times watching that. Yes, of course. You can uh, mode our horse and watch flip that hat in the horse's blood. Oh, but they're good bones.

I'll prepare the document. See that you do the horse's blood. Oh, but they're good bones. I'll prepare the document. See that you do, you little shit. How dare you talk to me like that. You have not been totally forthcoming so bad. You're a nightmare client if I don't mind saying myself. I beg your pardon. Don't you talk to my husband like that. Shit, look they're grappling.

Oh no, he's pushing and chambling down the hill. Wait, I all save him They're all falling down the hill Wow damn it I need to rent this hat Chant you used to do a lot of money now. No, they all got up. Oh, oh they're back. Oh hello! Send a rope. You know, I have to admit in these trying times, it is nice to have a little distraction with these messages from another world. I mean, not, not that the world's, uh, exist. I don't care. Usador The Wizard was played by Matt Young, Chant the Badger was played by Adel Rify. Axel Rod Remax was played by Special guest Mark McConville.

Chamberlain Bunny Cuddle was played by Special guest Matt Gourley. Mark and Matt host the podcast Pistle Shrimps Radio, where they go to real basketball games and provide hilarious, nonsensical color commentary. Plus, they just recently spent three days in D.C. covering the script's national spelling being. Bunny Bunny Cuddle was played by special guest Amanda Lund, most of the really wonderful and funny, complete woman series on Stitcher Premium. And all three of them will be at the London Podcast Festival this September doing live shows of Super Ego, the complete woman, and I was there too. So if you're going to be in London to see the live from the Magic Tavern show on September

16th, definitely check out those shows as well. Speaking of live shows, to get links to tickets for the upcoming shows in Indianapolis, Chicago, and London, go to Hello from themagictavern.com and click the live shows tab. Last time I checked the London tickets were more than two-thirds sold out, so just a heads up, they may go fast. Oh, and one more thing. Matt Young did a guest spot on the latest episode of the podcast, 15 Minutes with Lincoln. He played President John Adams watching an episode of the John Adams mini-series, along with regular host Tim Dunn and President Abraham Lincoln. So, if you need more

Matt Young slash use it or in your life, go check out 15 Minutes with Lincoln. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Ryan DeGeorgie, and Evan Jackover. This episode was edited by Garrett Schultz. Will you please stop this? I figured I'd wait until edited by Garrett Schultz when you know the whole thing's nearly done. If this were a movie, we'd be finding out who wrote the songs.

Okay, I can't help myself. How are you surviving out there? I'll admit, I was finding the oxygen out here a bit, well, missing. And then, wouldn't you know it, I wound up in a car. I mean, what kind of technocrat knob puts a car in space? Anyway, I'm coming for you. And until then, I have only this to say. Yes?

I guess if they focus on Darlene, it could hold together. But Laurie Metcalf's got to start showing up to work. You know what I mean?