Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 66 - Boy King (w/ Jordan Morris and Jesse Thorn)

Episode Date: July 2, 2018

The boy king of Grimfallon stops by the Ruffled Feather along with his au pair, Bormp.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungDartholomew, the Boy King: Jordan MorrisBormp, the Au Pair: Jesse ThornMysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Tim JoyceTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Greetings soundwave enthusiasts! Welcome to the portion of the show where things change. Instead of just swapping off the background like it's family portrait day at Sears. Hang on, I've got some taunting to do. Hi, this is Trisha. We're busy right now mounting a desperate defense against our former employer, so just leave a message and we'll get back to you right after we destroy him. We hope.

Oh, adorable, the children of the village are putting on a pageant. Well, no matter, and I can hack the transmission signal from here, as this space car has a bunch of technology that will probably be unveiled just a few days too late to save the planet. And now, hey! Stay in your lane, meteor. save the planet. And now, hey! Stay in your lane meteor, enjoy the show. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune, I'm your host Arneanie Camp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About three years and some change ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a birking in Chicago with the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm getting a Wi-Fi signal from the birking through the dimensional riff, and I use that to record a podcast I record every week, formerly in the tavern the familiar and minute tour, and I would have to hope in the future again. But for now, in the tavern, the ruffled feather, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of Futen, and I'm joined, as always, by my co-hosts. My magical, roommate,

Usa, or the Wizard? I am Usa, or Wizard of the Twilth, realm of Ephesius, master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical lights, the power of chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Turokus! The elves know me as Fienelok, the dwarves know me as Joanine in Hukestenges, and I am known in the North East as Gaspwini as Mastar, and… There are other secret names. Oh, secret names that you or my roommate, and you stay up at night, and you try to listen to me while I see I may utter one aloud, but I might get really annoyed because I can hear you breathing. Oh, you're annoyed by my sleep breathing?

Or is that just a hypothetical? No, that yes, just a hypothetical. Oh, just, you know, spitballing. You know, you said, or there's something on my world that there isn't on this world called a CPAP machine. What do you, what are you talking about? Yeah, is there a condition on food where people just sort of like,

because of breathing for any number of reasons, it could be being slightly overweight, they like, a jolt awake, because they can't breathe like many times a night. Oh, certainly, that's definitely good to happen here. That means there's a demon living in your throat. Oh, okay. Is there like a non-invasive magical cure for that? There's an invasive magical cure.

Okay, I'm also joined by my other co-host, Chant, the talking Badger. You're all yourself off, baby. How you doing, bud? Good. How are things with you and your boyfriend, Tussador? Going good. Yeah, we've been going out, hidden town, paint that red, you know. Literally painting it red. No, that would be dumb.

Oh, there, I know. There's a thing, John, I know I've been here for over three years, but I still, there's so much nuance to like, what is just an expression and what is like a literal, fantastical thing the people do. When you say nuance, does that mean that your mother, father, had sisters recently?

They had no, right? Oh, see how you can't take everything literally. Your CPAP machine you're talking about, does that help me see my papi? Can I see my daddy? Is that what that machine does? Probably not, right? No.

Do you see what you do to me? Are you doing okay? Yeah, I'm doing fine. I'm a stranger in a strange lane. No, you are. It's just, I don't know if this makes sense. I'm tired of your bullshit. Does that make sense? Is that literal? Is that an expression?

I mean, I think what just happened is the perfect example. John said he's tired of your bullshit, and then you said is that literal. When it's obviously not, he doesn't think that you're carrying too much shit from a bull around. Hence, the bullshit is you literally calling out. Does he literally mean bullshit? You said or, you asked me to get this bag of bullshit. Well, I need that for a soup I'm making. Oh no, wait, that's the soup you've been making? Yes, what's not for us.

Okay. Anyway, you know what? Let's get directly to our guest. I am very excited. It's been a while since we've had some royalty on the show. Ooh! I have the Boyking Dartholomew. Hello, I am Dartholomew the Boyking. Fight to the death for my amusement! Oh, um, yes, sir. Your Your majesty it is a pleasure to see you. But we have taken a note that none shall die on our watch. And though we do bend knee before you we are not of your fealty.

Although you are from the beautiful falling kingdom of Grim Fallon I believe. Yes, because my kingdom has fallen in my Armies are nowhere in sight People don't fight to the death for my amusement like I want them to when I command them I am apparently just a boy in their eyes, but Mark my words once I rally my armies and return my fallen kingdom to its past grace Oh, you're gonna get it. Oh, you're gonna get it for not fighting to the death for my amusement. Oh boy You think would be so amusing about watching two individuals Locked in Mortal Kombat for the tragedy is that one must lose their life

Well when you're a boy king let me explain something about being a boy king Please boy king explain this to us before I explain to you what being a boy king is like bring what? Oh, yeah, please. Please boy king explain this to us. Before I explain to you, what being a boy king is like, bring me a squash soaked in rose water. Bring me a squash. I should do that. How are we right back? But here, but I want to make it clear. It's just because you said, or as a very good host. And not because he fears me. I don't think so. Oh, fuck. Oh, when he said fuck, it was so cute. Don't, don't, don't demean me. No, no, no, no a head of you do your majesty. I am a Rollerge eyes, but there's my squash soaked in rose water. They don't have any squash is soaked in rose water They only had this rose soaked in squash water You're lucky. That's my second favorite food. I mean it probably tastes very similar

You'd be surprised just for simplicity sake. Do you mind if we call you dark? No, don't tell him you the boy king use my full title. Oh boy If you call me by some sort of cute nickname like Darthy or Darth mu or mu mu or Mu mu Don't do that. No, don't get that in your head. Don't get it in your head Or you're gonna get such a killing such a killing I you know from my experience the less you want a nickname the more you get it Fuck I like me, but I thought that was cute too You could just say you know I could just imagine cute little you being thrown right at a bullseye

Don't imagine throwing me I am not cute. I am to be feared. I am a coiled viper. You're cute. You're a cute Coiled viper darn don't have a man. I don't use my catchphrase. I made so much of my fortunes selling t-shirts with B-sake. Don't have a cow, man. And I will not have you infringing on my copyright. Arnie and Foon don't have a cow. They're, the voicking is famous for that phrase

because a lot of villagers or peasants would have a cow. I also say bazinga. Oh, wow. So to show fealty to you, you would take their cows and say, don't have a cow. I also say bazinga. Oh, wow. So to show fuel to you, you would take their cows and say, don't have a cow, man. Yes, I am the one who has the cow, and people would laugh. I also did a dad's called the Bartman. Not the Dartman?

Excuse me, the Dartman. Oh, okay. There we go. That rose goes straight to your head pretty fast. That's true. I do get a bit in my cups when I have so many roses, soaked in squash water. Ooh, I love that squash water. So, mew mew. I noticed you a bit in my cups when I have so many roses soaked in squash water. Oh, I love that squash water

So mu mu I know you have I'm sorry. Okay, are we landing on dark? We're gonna follow me the boy. Okay, listen. I'm definitely not going with mu mu. I can live with dark I can live with dark You should also be say you'll majesty. Thank you. respect. The boy here. You'll Majesty the boy here. You're Mimius, Giszi? Now, Dard, I notice you have a gentleman with you. Oh yes, this is my Opaire. He is the one subject that survived the great slaughter.

And he attends to my needs. And, oh Lord, help him if I get so bored and I make him fight to the death Which I may oh it is within my rights, but this is my opair Bormp what's up, dude? This is me born. Hey is born per Your family name or your first name it's both. It's your bomb bomb. Yeah, was it your given aim or did the boy King? The still that upon you and all his grace and glory? Well, funny story. Hmm. Where we come from? It's sort of like, basically like the boy king names everything. So because he's

king and everything. So it's good to be the king. There was a you and everything was named by head. Yeah, that was fun. Everything's fun with this guy um I love being his own pair uh yeah so he he named me Bort Bort uh upon my birth um which is you know it's a it's I'm not gonna lie to you it can be a burden so wait but it's fun to have it so you're younger than the boy king. How long you been a boy? I Am in a perpetual state of boyhood I you know what I'm I feel you I'm kind of there myself

In a yes, but I can see from your ninja turtles hooded sweatshirt Yeah, also thank you you sit over for conjuring that for me. No problem I mean I'm more of a Raphaelael but are right i'll be a michael and i'm not a slain person a good explanation for this when i was born the prophecy for told that i would be the greatest king ever to rule along the land

and the show a wizard put a uh... not unlike usador who put a he he he he reminded me of you put a uh... put a time slowing spell on me so that my reign instead of lasting the normal 80 years or 90 years That a king would normally live will will last hundreds of years, but it has put me in a state of boyhood How so you won't grow up you won't well, I will be very slowly very slow The big issue frankly is just like with with our kingdom or with the boy king's kingdom, I should say. Because of the great slaughter,

there's just, while there was provision made for his care, there's not that many college students left just to like, opair and everything. Yeah. So, like, normally, it's just like,'s like a like a lady like a pretty lady that like you know you had a lot of pretty before this lottery. Most of your own pairs were less beautiful. They're maidens and they would wash me in various milks. Oh what kind of milk? Sheep goat, boar, caterpillar, chacada pillar,

chimera. I actually, this is a funny story. Before I was the Opaire II, the boy king, I was in charge of obtaining caterpillar. Oh, what a wonderful job. I got repetitive stress engine. Oh, I'm sorry to care that. Typically my Opaire is a fair maiden,

but we mentioned the great slaughter no need to. Yes, he's going over that. Now, I am maiden, but you know, we mentioned the great slaughter. No need to Yes, he's going over that. I am to be fair. I'm not a fair maiden Guilty as charged, but I am a theater major That's what I was about to ask you bump up. Oh, what you said your studying theater in school You are still in college Is what is your dream in life? Once you quit being an repair, generally an repair is only that profession for a short amount of time.

Right, so I mean, here's the thing. I love traveling, and I love entertain. Oh, so. I love the concept of traveling. I'm thinking, I am thinking, and again, like this is just like something I'm thinking, like I don't need to choose now. I got a great gig.

I love the boy king. I love his. And I tell him repeatedly that if he ever leaves my side, he shall die. Yeah, we did like a dog in the streets and drug through them, throat slit. Yeah, and I mean, sometimes I'm hating the road. Sometimes I'm like, well, whatever I went into before,

he says same deal. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, I'm thinking like, well, I'll tell you what, like the last couple of years I've gotten super into like circus skills. Oh, yeah. Do you put that on your resume and your special skills? That's all I got on my resume besides O'Pare right now.

Wow. What kind of circus skills do you bring to the table? Demolstix, trampolining. Oh. I've done somestix, trampolining. Oh. I've done some ring work. Close up magic. Could you? Then now I should explain, it's a illusion magic.

Oh, oh. I mean, I'm sort of breaking the fourth wall here, but I only know how to do a, I can do a, you know, card trick. It's more like pressy digitization versus conjuring. Rather relative to like making bull feces into a suit. Magic with a seat, not to magic with a seat cave. Oh, you got it.

D'Art, I feel like D'Art is getting frustrated. No, well, he and he breaks that shit out of parties and it's fucking embarrassing. I'm sorry. Well, you said I can't ride my unicycle at parties anymore. Yeah, just be normal. Just I don't know. Have a drink and have a conversation.

You don't need to be performing. You know, you don't need to be on all the time. I mean, he has been juggling during this entire conversation. Yes, and I'm not nuts about it. Oh, if you weren't my only O'Pare, you'd get such a killing, oh boy. Now, aren't you familiar with circus skills, like the ones that Bump Bump was describing here? Uh, Unicycling and trampolining, do they have those things on Earth? Oh yeah, yeah, I've been to the circus and I briefly lived in the desert.

You lived in the desert? It just seems like people are into circus skills a little more in the desert. Interesting. Now, when you're in the desert just so you know it's just like, it's really cool when you light something on fire and throw it. Basically. That's fair enough. I can see that. What are the best things to light on fire and throw it. Basically. That's fair enough. I can see that. What are the best things to light on fire and throw? Well, I mean, first of all pins, that's the obvious one.

It rings is probably the second obvious one. Petulant servants. That's a great one. I'm thinking like a turkey leg. Oh, I am not a little petulant servant on fire in some time. Oh, I wish I had my kingdom. Dart, do you have any subjects or servants besides Bornfork now?

Well, if you people wanted to recognize the true king and take the first steps to filling this dreadful power vacuum we have, you could kneel before me, but technically technically he is my only subject. Well, what about old lady Gladys? Oh, so somebody else survived this letter? Yes, there's old lady Gladys. Oh, so there's an old lady in your life, do you tell? Well, okay, oh god, I didn't want to go here, but I am romantically interested in someone and even though technically I am 40 years old, because of the time-slawing spell I am romantically interested in someone and even though technically I am 40 years old,

because of the time-slo-ing spell I am still a boy so our relationship has had to stay... chaste. We call it infund, we call it Milonakis, and... Not even magic. This time dilation has caused me to be separated from theine lady love. Oh, how I wish to amend this for thee. Would you mind, Dotholm, you, there's a lot of pros and cons here. Okay, let's make a list. Cons?

This is something like, I try and educate him, and this is making a list of pros and cons rather than just having people fight to the death Oh, he is something that we've been working on together It's a more way to approach a problem. He's also getting super good at hacking the sack Okay, well, I'm making this as would you bring me another squash roast please of course Can we see you hacking the sack? Okay, I'll just I've only seen a Prince Jr. Do that. I don't like having to perform for you. Usually I am the one who is performed for Mm-hmm being a boy king as I am, but I'm starting to realize that I

Don't really have a leg to stand on so here. I'll do a bit of hacking. Oh Ernie look at that stall a bit of hacking. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh cheaper and proud of it. Yeah, that is overachiefment. If any. Exactly. I hack in a sack and an art diamond streets.

That's not very catchy. I mean it's too long for a teacher. But you know, I'm that's kind of my thing. So okay, pros to reversing the time displacements bell. I would get to be with Gladys my lady loves and be by true age. Who I have fucked. Yeah, he loves to rub that in all boy day on my only subject He did tell me what it was like though and I was you're living somewhat vicariously. Yeah, this story being told you it was all right Con Being the boy king. It's kind of my thing Yeah, it's getting branding is more important than ever these days Especially if you are trying

to move t-shirts. Sure, well, do you try to move t-shirts and you're trying to re-accumulate the kingdom that you lost? So I guess I wouldn't be the boy king anymore, I would just be the normal king. Would it be uncouth or ghost shift me to ask what you're working with downstairs? Oh, well, yes, it would be both ghost and uncouth, and normally I would have someone draw in corduary for my amusement, but since I am, you know, coming to the realization that I don't have shit right now, I will say that yes, I have a boy penis. It is a boy penis, so not only legally am I not allowed to lie with my lady love, but also just physically not a lot would happen.

Also, Lili, a chance not allowed to inquire about it. Wait, really? Oh, okay, I am not a legal expert on this world. I am a stranger in a strange land, okay? I think it's generally considered a importate to ask a child about the genitalia. But he's not a child, he said he's 40, I would never ask a kid about their genitals.

All right. I'm 21 if you guys have any questions Hey, could you buy us a beer? I don't think I've ever asked you that before It's it's just dawning on me now that you could have been buying me beer this whole time I think they've only got me but I'll order some. Oh great fantastic. I would love a Want okay, how many mead's do we want made me two? Yep, I'd like a unicorns tier I'll see if they've got it I can't help but notice the sleeve gardeners on the guy behind the bar so maybe he can help you out

wonderful that's that shit's gonna take 20 minutes to make actually the presence of the boy king I'll take a I'll take a kitty cocktail do you mind if the unicorn tier isn't muddled because I get so bored waiting for them to muddle it fine as long as they put the egg yolk in there I'll be fine I mean be used to are you're mostly ordering it because it's difficult to make, I feel like. I mean, that's part of the charm of it, isn't it? I tip generously, so it's cool. Oh, great.

That's the most important thing. Yeah. Alright, well, why don't we take a quick break and we'll get these drinks and then we'll learn more about the boy king and his opair. Hey, sometimes people ask us on Twitter via email by staring into a mirror and writing with their non-dominant hand, how can I support the show? And that's often followed up with I already own all the merch, and I've seen a live show and I get it. Are there other ways to support the show? Well, it turns out there's a lot of things you can do in any one of these helps. First,

here's an easy one, and if you're like me, you like the easy ones, you can subscribe to the show so you never miss an episode. And leave a review and Apple podcasts. We don't mention it as often as we should but those reviews really do help. And the Soky Al Media Manager keeps telling me mention it more often. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Also if there are other places to leave a review, leave a review there. Can you leave a review on Spotify? I don't know, but I've got a lot going on.

Some of the things that help. Sharing an episode on Facebook, Twitter, or telling a friend about us, or telling an enemy. You can follow our show and earwolf in general on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. There's a magic tavern subreddit or talk about us on the earwolf subreddit. Or some other subreddit that seemed like they would love the podcast, but don't you horn it into some weird one where they're going to be mad at you. And if you have a few bucks a month for podcasts, use our code to sign up for Stitcher Premium. That way we get a piece. We get a piece. Oh, give us a piece.

There is a lot of great stuff on Stitcher Premium including offices and bosses. And use the code Magic for a free month to try it out. No pressure. Look, if we're really good about promotional self-marketing, we would be mentioning all of these things which really do help like every episode, but we don't do that one because we don't want to be annoying. And also, we mean to, but we get distracted very easily. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We appreciate every little thing you do to help the podcast. And honestly, I think it's possible the podcast is a thing that will help us defeat the void, defeat the dark lord, get me back to earth, and then we can start knocking out some

earth's problems. Earth still has some problems, right? I think the path forward is the podcast, but I have been wrong before. So subscribe, share, or follow, and I'll see you at the top of the podcast charts. Is that possible? Could we be at the top of the podcast charts?

I didn't write that piece of copy, but it makes me excited. I'll see you at the top of the podcast charts. Am I talk or will we be there together? Is this a message specifically for weight weight, don't tell me? Hey, my favorite murder. I'll see you at the top of the charts.

Now it sounds like we're not there. Let's all be at the top of the charts. That's not how it works. Okay, I'm going on too long. Okay, so dark. I'm just kind of curious to learn more like we haven't had a boy king in here before. What is especially like a, I guess you wouldn't be deposed exactly. You're just a king without a kingdom. But temporarily without a kingdom, I think of it as- Dude, he's got a kingdom. Oh, it's just there was a great slaughter there

So there's just not that many people there. I see it's just glad us we're traveling right now So right now it's just glad is and your ultimate Fisbee team well Yeah, but they're like a club team that wait I I'm I'm a pretty active on Message boards I'm a pretty active on message boards Literal physical that hang in taverns Around the guy keeps lurking around this board. Yeah, and some of them are dedicated to Some of my copies which I mentioned on those message boards. There are sometimes trolls. Yeah, so it's funny though Funny story so I didn't meet my ultimate team on an ultimate message board.

There's a message board about Fralphing. Oh, interesting. I got it. Do they have Fralphing on us? I think so. I think you're calling it a disc golf. Oh, okay, I thought it was a sex thing. Oh, yeah.

It can be. So being a boy king is some, there's its challenging. Because your whims are constantly being met. It doesn't really allow you to grow as a person. If everything, if everything you want, it's getting too long. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, dude. Oh.

It's a little harsh. Yeah. Why don't you take a knee? What? Take a knee. I don't want to get out of my chair. You've offended it. It would be nice if someone would bow for me.

It's been a while. You said, or you're a great power. Here, your majesty. I kneeled before thee, and I swear, run to thee, that I shall respect your position and your... and your kingdom and your divine intervention, as a ruler over your land of grim fallet. Arnie, let me give you some advice.

Don't mention that he's small, and don't mention that his hair is weird, okay? Oh, okay, I don't think we probably weren't even thinking that, but now you put it into their head. Oh, that's all I've been able to think about this entire time. Yeah, because I have, I like, my main question about the weirdness of your hair

is why it's so weird. Well, oh God, and again, I don't, didn't wanna go here. Mm-hmm. But if we must, one of my boyhood wishes was to have a real life science kit. And I was pouring things from one beaker into another.

As you do, oh potion. Just basically like trying to transmit light into gold. Alchemy, yes. Yeah, wonderful. And as science kids tend to do, it blew up with a poof in my face, and my face was black with suit, and my hair standing upon end, and while the suit wiped away from my face, my hair has stayed like this. Yeah, and it's pure gold.

Doctors have been tending to me, and yes, I have the first hair affected with alchemy. I mean, it's better than before when his hair was made of lead. It's true, it's true. It used to be imposing when I was, you know, making people fight to the death for my amusement, but now it's... I fear it just looks a little ridiculous.

It glistens if you oil it. It looks fancy. No, thank you. You're very kind, and I promise that when I do retain my power, your death will be swift and... maybe eight out of ten painful. Oh, that's all of me with the boy, King. Yes.

I have a boon task of thee. I have been looking high and low for a pure golden strand of hair to put into my bullshit soup. Mm-hmm. Go on, I-I-the boy king typically does not grant requests, but of all the people in this tavern, you have been the most supplicant to me and- And the main thing is-

I mean, this- people who give him requests. So often it's for free bird We do have a jam We do have a jail. I've had to acquiesce to some of his Wants I mean that's what relationships are about. They're about compromise so you know I play bass Yeah, and I play the rainstick Yeah, and I play the rain stick. Oh, I know. Oh, your majesty. First of all, I love birds Second tall if you grant me this boon one strand of your perfect golden hair you

Would be owed a favor from a wizard. I Could use a wizard favor You should or now. What was the recipe for your soup? It was bullshit as white as milk. Hair is... That's not to this. No, damn, brinno. Yes, because you have been respectful to me and not called me by childish names and remarked upon about how rosy and full-bike cheeks get when I say fuck. Shhh.

I will grant you this strand of my hair in hopes that your behavior will be an example to others who will hopefully bow before me. Thank you, Your Majesty. Look, let me just say, because I feel like you're kinda calling me out. That was a little bit, sorry. Feel a little dunked on, so what I I wanna ask is, just to, uh, has- Call out culture gone too far. To pay for my hubris, if you're willing sir, your majesty, I would, um, eat your shorts.

All right, I would prefer that you fight to the death of my amusement, but I do think it would be funny if you ate a pair of shorts. Yes, I will remove my shorts and you shall die upon them. And you shall love every second of it. Yes sir. And I will laugh.

Oh, this is wonderful. I feel like a boy king again. John, stop being such a perv to this boy king. I have on several pairs of shorts. Oh, okay, okay. I would know one will be seeing my boy penis this day. That's good. I would eat it.

Actual kids pair of shorts. We know he's 40. Arnie, can you be chill about this whole thing? Well, you know what, I don't know. It's hard to know sometimes if it's a time to chill or a time not to be chill. You got any livestock, because now would be a perfect time to give this dude a cow. Can I ask a BORP, BORP? I have to ask. That's my name, don't worry. Well, sorry, piece of short. That's like, what's like, you said trampolines, a big thing? Yeah. Start with the waistband.

Oh, God. Yeah. Oh, yeah, see that waistband. What is the, in all your circus training and all these? It's better when you soak it in squash juice. You sure? Would you mind soaking these shorts in some squash juice? Oh, sure. No, this is not meant to be pleasurable for him. It is a punishment. He is eating my sweaty boy shorts His majesty is because because he was because of his insulin. Thank you and what I'll keep eating

I just want to ask what's the worst accident you've seen in all the Circus acts that you see oh there all all trampoline accidents dude. I can tramping is All trampoline accidents dude. Fucking tramping is wild! There's real it. Have you ever tramped? I'm not a super trampor. I'm talking about boom, boom, boom. You know what I mean?

I mean, I don't know. I think I'm always too afraid of hurting myself. Can I say number one? You have to watch out for joints, extremities, ankles, knees, wrists, elbows. That's gonna be number one. There's a ruling tramping, and you'll see this on the message boards. If you ever go to any tramping taverns,

I just like keep your crank in your pants. I mean, that's good advice in general. Yeah, but it's especially good if you're tramping because all kind of stuff can go down. No, what, are you saying you broke your dick? I'm not saying I broke it, I just like, I mean, I was tramping. It was out.

Okay, it gets wild when you're tramping. Sure. I think I realized now why um, sex with his old lady was next to me. No, I was good, it was so... Well, it sounds like that dick broke. No, I did pretty good. No, the dick's not broke. More and more, that dick broke. No, the dick cool baby.

Now, was it, especially, had to be careful about trampolineing, not because of their extremities or their joints, because their dicks are so big! Well, that doesn't, you can trip right on it, but also, if you tramp too high, you fly right into the sky, and never come back, just like Gormpelius the Orange. Oh, Gormpelius the Orange, huh? Yes, he traveling so high, but he never returned to food. I would never trampoline with a wizard. That's fair.

Isn't the Orange Wizard the only wizard there are no songs about? Yes, it's very difficult to write a song about them. What are their songs about the Silver Wizard or the Purple Wizard? Yes, many songs about them, of course. We actually are banned. We wrote a songs about the silver wizard or the purple wizard? I've read yes, many songs about them of course. We actually are banned. We wrote a song about the orange wizard, but I think you are right. Arnie, in the sense that it is not strictly speaking a song, it's more an exploration of

sound. Well, Mewmew, the boy king, it's been a real pleasure. Okay, don't like Mewmew, but thank you. That dude, okay. You know what, I have to say, am I going to have to make you eat something I've been wearing? It's been a real pleasure. Okay, don't like mu mu, but thank you. That dude, okay. You know what, I have to say, am I going to have to make you eat something I've been wearing? Man, have you been trampling in?

Because your chill bones broken, dude. That's true. I think I was born without a chill bone. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, that shows. So, yeah, yeah, yeah. I bet this dude does ball golf. Oh, man, ball golf.

What a square. Is that literal or is that? What a narc. Narc, narc. Aren't a NARC? NARC NARC. Aren't either calling you a NARC elliptic defend yourself. Oh, I mean I don't know. I'm having a lot of sleeping problems. You should use a seat pad. Wait, do you have those? Yeah. Wait, no. I just heard you talk about them. I'm sorry. So I was just wondering what happens if you get your subjects back? Like what are you are you gonna use your place in this world to help fight off the dark lord or what's your well? I mean I think I'm kind of at

a crossroads here. It's a big moment. I can either try and you know remake my kingdom and continue my life of decadence and following my every whim and cruel disregard for everyone's health and well-being and, you know, living a life of reverting me to my natural age and put my dreams of being a cruel, despotic, boy king behind me. I had a good run there. I made a lot of people fight to the death for my amusement. The Great Slotter was dope. The Great Slotter? That was a hoot. Um, you slaughtered all of your own suckers. Yeah, and hindsight bad. I've listen. Okay, hindsight's 2020. You think here's the thing. It's about scale, baby. Like if one to one is pretty good, if you just divide the kingdom in half and have them go to town. Here's the thing, though.

And you're just, and when you're a boy king, everything is so decadent. You're just chasing that first high. You get numb and, you know, a court jester funny at first but then you need to see him be headed and you know a fine fat goose that's tasty but then you need it soaked in the blood of your enemies it's it's just a thing you know you're whole kingdom fight for your amusement yes and they all died except for this one barefoot man I am so stoked like retrospectively because I I was sort of on the fence about going to trapeze camp but it super worked out because I came back and it's like do you want a job I'm like yes but I guess I could take up Yusador on his

offer and become the 40-year-old man that I am in actuality and start a quiet her life. Yeah you're across roads you're no longer a boy king, not yet a man king. It seems as if you've learned an important lesson from this trial you've been through, aging slowly without a kingdom to support the... Hmm. Bauer Freddy. I can cast the spell to turn you into your normal age. But know if this spell happens if there's a voice to men's spell that this might be the end of the road.

So, wear your pros, wear your cons, just make sure you're ready for this. Well, while I think about this, let me open my flowing linen shirt. Also know that I myself am 42 years old. What, so look upon me. Yes, no. Yeah, I could have thought you said you were in your 60s. What? So look upon me. Yes. No. Yeah. All right, I could have thought you said you were in your 60s. No, I'm 42 years old.

No. So probably like this is sort of, if you need to know some context. Yeah. I mean, well, what, okay. So as a boy king, you know, a typical weekend, you know, would be...

Quinces. Quinces. Pies featuring flesh of people who wronged me. Um, you know, would be... Quinces. Quinces. Uh, Pies featuring flesh of people who wronged me. With figs. With figs. Um, what is a typical weekend like for a 40-year-old man? What can I look forward to?

Um, well, it depends. Like, on this world, like for me, I can only speak for myself. Uh, you know, I sort of sleep in. And you said, you have sleep, Papnea? Sleep, Papnea. Sleep, Papnea. And for myself. You know, I sort of sleep in. And you said, yeah, sleep, happening. Sleep happening, sleep happening. And I don't know, like, I kind of get out of bed slowly, because my back kind of hurts. Um, and my knees definitely hurt. I have a difficult time, like, showing fealty, because, like, getting down on one knee is

very painful. That's like a fucking bummer. I can eat anything I want mostly because I not as invested in the consequences as I should be. I spend a lot more time in the bathroom. Do you ever vape? Yes, I've often transformed him into a vapor. It's a fun thing to do on the weekend.

It's turn your friend into a vapor for a little while. I'm not a fan of it. It's dope, especially if you're like at a music festival or whatever. Turn into a Mr. of you're like at a music festival or whatever. Just turn into a misto of April and just float around for a little while. Well, being a 40-year-old man does sound sad and lonely. Oh, it is. Like you're just wandering and no one pays attention to you.

But maybe that's what I need. Alright, you're the door. Turn me into a 40-year-old man. Very well then, here. Um, Houston door. Can you turn me into a 40-year-old man, too? Yes, I can. If you both want to be 40.

Oh, I guess I'll be a 40-year-old virgin. That's fun, anyway. I really want to write a book about mushrooms. Here. Each one of you hold on to a- Self-this will be self-published. Yeah, no doubt, dude. We don't have like, nice, nice like that kind of spiral binding. Oh cool

Shite ear in normal cover No doubt cover so shiny. What is this print it up? I did my own illustrations Yeah, big publishing houses can't get with it. It's on them. here now take this geo to both of you put your fingers upon it And then prepare to repeat after me. I want to grow up. I want to grow up. I'm not a usador kid I'm not a usador kid. There's a million toys in the land of food that I won't play with There's a million toys in the land of food that I won't play with. There's a billion toys in the land of food that I won't play with. And now you have done it. In but a moment's time.

As you breathe in, for the last time as a child, you will breathe out as an adult. Whoa, this is 40? I'm 40. Wow, I'm 40. Yeah, wow, look at you. How does it feel, your majesty? I'm tired at six. It's does it feel your majesty I'm tired at six

It's six in the evening and I'm tired I might hit the guys. I might hit the hey. I'm really 40. I really find myself carrying about the lyrics in Rucksaw Yeah, and I you know, I you had quite a few of those Squash soaked roses. You're gonna feel some acid reflux. Yeah, boy, who, boy? Hey, what's Wilco? I'm interested in Wilco now. Does anyone know what that is? I don't, do you?

No, I don't. I'll tell you in the end. Hey, boy. Oh, hey, Sean, did you get any emails this week? Yeah, I got an email here. Here's one from Caleb Phillips. Says, hey there, I'm not sure if you guys are still doing the show.

Why, that's why you still doing your things to ask. Are we still doing the show? Yeah, okay. what you're thinking. Are we still doing the show? Yeah. Okay. Do you mean are we still in the middle of an episode? I'm not even going to be talking about it a lot these days. I wish there was a way to find out if a show still exists. Is there a way?

Is there a way? I only emailing the show. I know. Yeah. I'm not sure if you guys are still doing the show as I was introduced to it recently. I do have a question for you though. I know the show is improvved. Improvved. Improvved. Improvved. Improvved. But I'm wondering how much improved tools you guys are using. I don't think it's improved at all if anything it's gotten far worse.

Well, we changed locations, that's improving it. I think so, although we're working very hard to go back to our regular status quo. Mm-hmm. As a 40-year-old man, I'm having a lot we're working very hard to go back to our regular status quo. As a 40-year-old man, I'm having a lot more fun with podcasting now. Oh! I might start several more. Oh, really? Yeah. Maybe one where I go back and watch all of Twin Peaks.

Oh, I would listen to that. Which I'd like to be two volcanoes. Two volcanoes. Oh, yeah. It's fun to just stare at two mountains. Yeah, although it kind of creeps me out to be to be honest. They're creepy mountains. Yeah, good. It's hard to know what balance of irony and sincerity to take in those mountains.

Yeah, absolutely. I must confess something. The spell I have cast upon you is merely temporary to teach you a lesson breathe in again as an adult now breathe out again and though fuck up a boy again I now give unto you one of my many secret names I am Zoltar Bigius cool

what do I do with that? a big fucking deal I wanted to be an adult so I can fuck come Come on, man, secret name? The sucks. Turn me back into a grown-up. I'm sorry, I can't. There's no way.

The only way to age appropriately is through time. However that time happens for you, dilated or no. But born born still 40? Yeah. Shit, how that happened. I guess I'm not one of the dilated peoples. I'm sorry about that. This is gonna change our dynamic. Maybe how that happened. I guess I'm not one of the dilated peoples Sorry about that. This is gonna change our dynamic. Maybe not that much.

You know, whatever like I still wear cargo shorts. Well, I got a glimpse of adulthood and frankly I the quiet life of a 40-year-old man with no kingdom was appealing to me. Maybe I'll change my ways and stop being such a cruel boy king. Exactly. Now you're on the correct path. To live a life where you can be a glorious king who is kind to all of his subjects. And in time, if you act this way, more subjects will come to live under your banner. My friend Todd's kind of into it. Oh yeah? Yeah.

Yeah, Todd's cool. See you know Todd. So how many people are in this side? Okay, so that's a handful the handful there's by old lady Todd is one of my Todd buddies there's all thing buddies and some guys who are in a movie who I mean not even now they were they're watching a movie oh got you so you know they were they weren't around for the slaughter oh I see so you know there's a

handful and and you know what there was you know kind of that handful would not stay loyal to me because of the cruel thing that I forced everyone to do. So it's been a challenge. Yeah. Todd said he just wants to like check in on Drown Rules before he just signs back up. But I think as long as your chill tell him, like basically, can I tell you what he's looking for?

He gave me a list. Um, shaved, no drama. Is that just Craigslist listing for a roommate? Or 20 friendly. Yeah. Well, now I think I will return and try and rebuild my kingdom. You also suggested a chore wheel. No, that's, I mean, that's helpful.

You don't want to be the only one unloading the dishwasher. You are not friendly to the 420 subjects in your kingdom, who all slaughtered each other. True. And I regret it. I will return to my kingdom and try to assemble the few people that are left. Guys, it's a gladis. For once we made some positive change in Foon.

Like a guest came in who was kind of oraline evil and maybe we've set him on a path towards good. We're still doing the show and we've improved it Huh, and I'm going to finish my bullshit soup and I'm going to poison every jam band and fume Oh, hey, come on man. Not cool. I think we all learn that you don't have to be 40 to write your fucking mushroom book Just start drawing and eat mushrooms and seeing what happens. Yeah, or would you take us out with some trampoline tricks? Yeah, this one's this one's called the Flopsie Robsey and Cotton Tail. Do you want me to hack you, Sakhali, does it? Please.

Mm-hmm. Oh, it's cranking. It's cranking. Oh, it's cranking right out of his head. I didn't notice his crank was out of his whole tongue. Oh, boy. Oh. Oh.

You used to know, do you have a Craig Graperic spell? Here, I'll just hit him with this healing rock. Duh, duh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Answer me this, how many other podcasts in your feed brought up child genitalia in such a safe and playful manner. Just radio lab sounds about right. Yuzudor the accent masquerading as a character was played by Matt Young. John the collection of references was played by Adel Rufa. Dartholomhe the boy king was played by Jordan Morris.

Show of hands how many people thought it was Bill Arnet doing a voice. Trick question, Bill doesn't do characters. Check out Jordan Morris' new scripted comedy podcast, Bubble. Each episode includes a cavalcade of your favorite famous podcast voices. Ugh, episode two features Arnie. Well, every Shyamalan has his, the happening. That's Bubble from Maximum Fun. Borm, the Opaire was played by Jesse Thorn.

Jesse is the founder of the Maximum Fun Network, and the host of Bullseye among other things. Jesse co-hosts the podcast Jordan Jesse Go along with Jordan Morris. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arning Neekamp, Ryan to Georgie and Evan Jacoba. This episode edited by Tim Joyce, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. If you'd like a little tidbit about the future, let me just say I've programmed the most powerful weapon in the bunker to punish unauthorized users by telling them unpleasant truths about themselves. Consider yourself teased. you