Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 67 - Mole Warriors (w/ Sean Clements and Hayes Davenport of Hollywood Handbook)

Episode Date: July 9, 2018

Two adorable moles with swords stop by explain their battle strategies to dominate every other creature in the magical land of Foon.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMel Mole: Hayes DavenportMort Sauce: Sean ClementsWinky Silks: Joey BlandMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I'm trying to take control of the bunker's critical systems, but they're all protected by the mysterious man's automated contingency protocols. You are attempting an unauthorized access of the REC Tangle or a Defense System. That's what I want. Go ahead. I thought it looked devil-make-air. Yeah, well, devil-make-air to look in a mirror one more time before heading out. I don't have access to the rectangle array, do I? You can access the rectangle array. Really? Right after you explain the discrepancy in those sideburns.

Are they like a Laurel and Hardy tribute? Okay, enjoy the episode. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arneanie Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About three years and a handful of months ago I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional

riff and I use that to upload a podcast. I record every week. Well I used to record it in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, but we've been kicked out. So now we're recording, sorry, I was getting a little choked out. John, I'm thinking about how the Vermilion Minotaur, it was our home for like years. And now everything is so different. We're recording in a totally different tavern,

the ruffled feather. Yeah, it's been stripped away from us. So it's a real learning curve to all this. Yeah. You doing all right, buddy? I know. I just suddenly got really homesick for that other tavern. Are you locking your knees?

Again, I told you got to bend your knees. If you're standing, you got to bend your knees. Well, I'm sitting, but I am locking my knees. All right, I'll stop doing that. Anyway, anyway, we record this podcast here in the tavern, the ruffled feather in the town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon. And I'm joined as always by my bud, my co-host, Chant the Talking Badger.

Chant, please, thank you for not calling me Chang. Oh, that's right, I keep, I don't know why, I just got, you know, you get something in your head. And now he started thinking like, oh, wait, his name is Chant, oh wait, no, no, it's Chang. Mm-hmm. So I'm sorry Chang, if I keep messing with him. Your brain's a Scramby's. I'm a little scramby before. It's Chang. So I'm sorry Chang, if I keep Master's. Your brain's as crambies.

I'm a little screwed about that before. It's true. Can I ask you something I've been just pondering? The other day, you remember Drew, that little kid Drew is trash cancun? Nope. You don't remember him? No, they do not.

All right, well, you do. I'm also joined by my other co-host, Yusinor, the wizard. No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wizard of the 12th realm of a feces, Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great holes of Trockus. I know, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, out, certainly, they would be mixed up with other names that Arnie cannot quite remember. Names like Pappy Nonsense, that Drew let us know about.

What I wanted to ask was, he said he worships you. He said he's an Arnienian, someone who worships Arnie. Oh, and you were pretty fucking flipping about it. What does it feel like to be a deity, to be a god to someone? Oh, well, it- Because you're pretty shitty to your subjects. You're pretty crappy shepherd to your flock. Chang, you doing okay, bud?

It's not, it's chun, it's chun. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Isador, can you talk to Chang? Sorry. Isador, can you talk to Chang? He seems like that. Isador. Yeah.

Are you having a stroke? Guys, I'm just a little on edge because we're in a different tavern. Well, I, I, don't worry. I shall put your mind to tease and I shall Remove the muddled sense of fog that does cover thine brain you now here let me put my finger in your ear to put my magic directly into your brain Yeah, let me really get up in there Oh, that's not your brain. Oh, yes Now that I am feeling your brain with my finger. It's both terrible and satisfying at the same time. I shall remove this DIN from over the vine thoughts

Kroth Tereth Changthathath Chantat Katya Yankah I heard my name in there. He's got his finger in your fucking brain man. He's got one in the pink. Wow. That's amazing Okay, I'm sorry. I'm getting people's names wrong. So what were you saying, Adel? I was, as Adel. Oh, that's your friend on Earth who's, um, had surgery is a, uh, yeah. Great dick. Is that, oh yeah, no, I'm sorry. I don't reply. So I'm sorry,

Chant, you were saying that this guy is really looks up to me. Yeah, well, he told you that he's an Arneanian and I asked you a question about it and versus doing what you said, improvisers on Earth to you, which is yes and, you said, you said or talk to him, you passed the buck. It's true. Here's another thing people on Earth do, when they don't wanna talk about something, they get someone else to talk about. Okay, rope somebody in.

Yeah, John, here's the thing, you said or an eye, and you said, you're definitely a part of this. Sorry, what? We wanted to... I'm gonna be at the buck. Look, we wanted to talk to you about Drew. Okay. We just don't want Drew around here. Okay, where are you telling me?

I have no control over that. No, no, I know, but I'm just saying like, we've agreed, like, let's keep Drew away. Like, he just wants it a little too much. Okay, yeah, that's fine. I thought he was kind of a fun, flirty character, but. Hmm, flirty. First of all, he's a child.

I don't control what he does. No, yeah. I didn't say he was a cute character, an attractive character, I said fun, flirty character, but... Flirty, first of all, he's a child. I don't control what he does. No, yeah. I didn't say he was a cute character, an attractive character, I said he was flirty. Okay, fair enough. Kids can be flirty. When they want to get their way, they put on Will Boyce, right?

Oh, you never seen that? Here's a King's juice and an ale. Okay. And of course, I brought the Ruffle Feather specialty for you to enjoy, Arnie. Yeah. Redded eggshells. Oh. They're just, Arnie. Yeah. Breaded eggshells. Oh.

They're just the sheen. So delicious. So crunchy. Yeah. Yeah, try one. Oh, no, I'm gonna pass. I'm on a diet, I think. What's going on there?

I just don't want to eat those eggshells, okay? Oh, I know that these aren't the foods that you like, and you miss the Vermilion Minotaur, but I have an idea. I have brought someone here who would help us gain access to the Vermilion Minotaur once again. Piper trained that one blemish

who has perhaps been murdered. Oh, that's right. The memory Gremlin was on sabbatical and was impersonating blemish who no one realized that we accidentally murdered him. But I think her sabbatical is probably done by now, and we never... So people probably are wondering where Blemish is now. Wow, I've never heard somebody say sabbatical twice in one sentence.

I now present to you the greatest character actor in all of Foon. CORE! Blimey! I am that same blim-ish you do seek. See the very likeness of blim-ish here. Any order you would like I can provide, I'm angry and sing sometimes. Oh my gosh, you're totally convincing as Blamish. Oh well I've made some study to break character for a moment.

Oh sure, we can test. Yes, yes. No, it's a careful, careful study. I have talked to family, I have talked to friends, enemies of him, and then sometimes you must fill in the gaps yourself with full invention. I wish I had wheels. You have to give yourself a want. Oh, so you've decided that the core of blemishes anger and resentment is that he wishes he had wings. But the wings are a metaphor for a flight of a different

kind. He wishes to be greater than he was, and so you make concrete what is not concrete and dry the wet concrete of the soul. They're into creator, an anchor is it where my metaphor stretched thin but blemish does not. And that might track as well because blemish did work at the Vermilion Minotaur and there is lore and rumor that the Vermilion Minotaur gives you wings. So that might have been a deep seeded one for him. That's true. Life is text. May I ask a non blemish related question?

Oh, yes, you should order me. Are you still writing the play about Arnie's life? Writing never stops you, Sator. It's a trilogy, remember? Oh, yes. Three parts, which we write out of order. We don't know the three parts until we are done. Is there any chance that there's room yet for you, Sator, to be a character in these plays?

I've told you before, there is no greater honor than to be... to be left out. What would a solar system be with no sun? Ah, then the sun would be the most important part. I think. The anchor that would hold all together, but yes, there's always a chance you should all. I see thine logic.

If I am the very sun within this solar system, then all I do is see the other planets. I cannot see mine self. Sure. Winky, real fast, would you mind giving us a taste of your chunt character? I know you're playing chunt in the play about my life. Yes, no, I don't like to have been my weakness, but it's difficult to keep two characters afloat at the same moment. I'm so deeply into blemish, but let me see through the dexerol of my mind.

I shall go backwards and find my chunked. Core, I-me, Arne-me, camp, my friend. I have just rubbed one out. It's like listening into a mirror. Yeah, wow, winky, that's amazing. And I'm sorry to give you this sort of character, Wip-lash, but I think there might be some of the sheriff's guards in the tavern today so can you be blemish for the whole tavern? The actor prepares the play begins. There is no winky anymore, but hold me. Blimey. Blimeyish.

Blimeyish? Bl-c-c-c-fine the voice. Find the voice. No, too ch-t-too ch-t-too ch-t-too ch-t-too ch-t-too. I know actors on earth sometimes are like one phrase that will really help you get it. Oh right. Right. Rainbow ball.

Got it back. I'm blemish. Right. Rainbow Bowl. Got it back. I'm blemish. I can go about my task now and we'll only have some conversation to get about compensation later in the evening. Oh sure. Thank you, Winky. Now, listeners at home don't get confused.

I know he sounds exactly like blemish, but don't forget that this is Winky Silks. Right. Ah, there is no Winky Silks. What do you speak of? I've kicked him out. Boy, can you bring us some drinks? Anything you like. I like to sing a bit here.

The music of the... Yes, yes, yes. Oh, and Winky, don't forget. Just for your character, every couple minutes, a cat comes out of blemishes mouth. Right. So if you could also play the cat coming out of the mouth. I could do it. They won't come out of the mouthishes mouth. Right, so if you could also play the cat coming out of the mouth. I could do it.

It won't come out to the mouth though. To the bar. Well guys, I'm so excited to talk to our guests on this episode. You know, it's been too long since we've really dived into what's going on in the animal kingdom. Yeah, that's very. I've been king in the batters. I've been many animals myself.

And we don't really touch on it too much. We haven't met a lot of other animals. Yeah, well, I'm excited to have on two moles I think they're mole mo warriors. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, much more than just a mole I'm melmo mo warrior. This is my buddy mortine. I am mort Melmol and Mortmol? Not Mort sauce. Mort sauce. Mort sauce. Yeah, no, we're not brothers. He's Melmol. No.

His last name is Mole, and then my last name is Sauce. Sauce. Yes. It's a pleasure to meet both of you. I am very honored that two such fine warriors would dain't to sit at our table. Yeah. No, it's great to just take a break from winning battles. I'm cramming the other guys.

I'm rashing them. My mighty haunches after just absolutely demolishing all my foes. And Mel and I have this cool move. That's almost unbeatable, where we dig ourselves halfway into the ground. We get back to back like in this hole, and then we play our little mole swords out. And it's like, what are you gonna do? So are we noticed that when our butts are touching

underground, that means we've gone deep enough, and that means that our heads are poking up above. It's such a small target. Yeah, yeah. And people maybe step on it. A lot of other moles doing that, because you know, they, oh, there's a thing like, people say we can't see.

No, no. We're actually don't even care about seeing. It's so lame and boring. I don't know if I can or not at this point. I haven't checked in a while because I don't care. When someone asks me, I literally just go like, oh, hang on a second. And then I leave.

Yeah. Because I'm so sick of that conversation. So sick of it. I'll check now to open my eyes. Okay, yeah, I still can't. It's honestly been so long since I've even checked. Can I ask, what is seeing really? Like, what do I need to see to like thank you?

I know buddy can answer no one knows, but I can feel I mean I feel okay It's hot out. So what do I need to see yeah, I feel like I can't explain what seeing is I just know it I know Yeah, I know but he can I know yeah, yeah, I just know when I it's very ill-defined yeah So an enemy might step on your cute little swords You're like does like one of you get behind you Your foot. Yeah, when it's basically almost making a whole piercing the flesh in your foot Nearly and blood is about to come out Gathering at the area where the point of the sword is pretty cute ready to go out. Yeah, that's cute as hell, right?

Yeah, real cute. Now, I don't mean to bring up a sword subject potentially, but I know that you did at one time go to war with the Gofers and there was the great tragedy, the massacre of Wackeurton where the Gofers had large, had it clubs and they just, every time you popped out, they would just smash you back down. Which is illegal, by the way. That's illegal?

Yes, you're not supposed to have a big club. Here's what you're supposed to have. Well, we have are these swords that, you never get, I mean, they probably have them here. You get a cocktail and they put a little sword through the cherry. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. So that's, your shield is like a little paper umbrella. Yeah, that's right. And so it it's well, there's this Chinese joint called cow loon And we told you about Chinese joints. No, what's a Chinese joint? We'll tell you later Anyway, it's a whole in the Walt Chinese joint pretty greasy area But it's high stands for it's short for chimera in these just eat obviously They're between the thigh and the, yeah.

And they got these big bowls. Yeah, these scorpion bowls. And we can get 30 or 40 of us in on one of those at once. Yeah, exactly. And it's flat rate. It doesn't matter how many people are drinking it. And you don't pay for extra straws. Oh.

So that's a little bit of a life hack. So we'll go in there. And then when we're done, you know, freaking getting just Schwasty faced, we leave and we've all got a freaking whole arsenal of these sorts. That's a whole life hack that we use to then go hack people's lives out. Yeah, and pretty much stab their whole foot.

Yeah, you're very revelous prepare. You'll for your battle the next day. What a glorious way to prepare for fighting. Yeah, it're very revels prepare you for your battle the next day. What a glorious way to prepare for fighting Yeah, it's cool. It's all right. We are getting bored We have basically so first of all people are doing a lot of illegal stuff like you were saying using illegal weapons They've had a club also moving around which they're not supposed to do and the kind of words that we have It's very frustrating or if you're moving around Why don't you move towards the whole war end so we can get you

because if you just stay on the outside and throw, I'll have time people throw shit at us. It kills. It kills. It kills. I don't know if it might be warrior. I mean, I'd mentioned my Hodges earlier. I do like your Hodges. You have nice Hodges.

They're mighty. They're mighty Hodges. That is so nice. Are you self-conscious about your haunches? Oh, yeah. Yeah, because how are people not bringing it up? And I never stop talking about them, but I think I say it so much that it doesn't mean as much me anymore.

It's meaningless. Because I'm feeling up against them in that whole all the time. So nobody knows it more intimately than I do. Yeah. Haunch to haunch you. You think it becomes white noise for you to say, oh, my tea haunches are up against my watches. But you need something to talk about

because a lot of times in that whole, like people will have left the battle and you won't know for a little while. So just in case people are coming back, you have to just hang out. And Mortis also asking this sincerely, do you even lift? For me, we have a saying in the mole world, which is every day is leg day. Because we only have legs. Yes. Well, yes,

no real arm sort of the hands coming straight off the torso. Yeah. Just these little claws. And so there's not a lot of reach there. But these legs are built for digging and that's just what they'll do. there's not a lot of reach there. But these legs are built for digging and that's just what they'll do. And one of these days these legs is gonna dig all over you. I thought if you need something to drink, I realize you probably just need one

to split the twigs the two of you. Yeah, if you have anything with little weapons inside, that's kind of our deal. Absolutely, you can do that. Anything inside a drink can be a weapon. Yeah a lot of weapons melt as soon as we Yeah, yeah, that's unfortunate. Yeah, I've got something the perfect thing for you. I blemish blemish Corb lie me at your service. Could you bring over on umami battleaxe? Well, I'll whip it right up and for the bread of dick shells. Can we get more sauce?

Ha, sauce What a firm haunches this I'll whip it right up and for the bread of eggshells. Can we get more sauce? Oh What what firm launches this this creature has oh speaking more sauce. This is more sauce I saw sauce sauce everywhere it goes. Yes all the sauce you could wish but first Going to Wildcat. Good job. All right, deal with that, boys. Now, who are you two of you at war with currently?

We got a lot of stuff going on right now, so we have a full slate. So many haters. We got the stoats are kind of running out. So sick of the stoats. The ermons, some minks, are trying to come out. We have this one stump that we are kind of near.

And that starts. And we think of as our stump, but that's more and saw that a while or saw, or like kind of like bumped into. Yeah, I felt around it and went like, this could be a good home base for us. And then there were some, some still some armats, some mongoose,

chin chilla's, jerbos. Just for self-preservation. Are you guys cool with the badgers? Well, I was gonna say, chunt. Yeah. I've seen you with all these guys. At different times, I've seen you hanging out with definitely a chin ch chilla, gerbil.

And we need pay. When he says scene, we mean, we've had a bird friend of ours describe you to us. All right. But like, seems like you've got a lot of friends in this community. Yeah. Can you tell them, hey, knock it off with the throwing stuff

that hit me in the freaking noggin' it kill. I could just, couldn't you just tell them, just walk over to where they're hiding underground and let them be me in the friggin' noggin' to kill. I could just, Chuck, couldn't you just tell them, just walk over to where they're hiding underground and let them be stabbed in the foot. Help these wonderful moles out. I will speak to the kings of the collective animal kingdoms that you are at war with and see if I can pass along any sort of olive branch at all.

Honestly, Donnie the bother, we're so bored. We've been smoking all these fools. We are trying to get into people wars. Yeah, and big the big the big time stuff Speaking as an animal can I just say if you try and get into people wars are gonna get fucking poned? Okay, so okay, well we've been dipping our toe in the water a little bit and obviously there's gonna be a learning curve always one thing I that's what I said earlier one thing we have look, I'm getting my fucking ass handed to me. I mean, I am getting creed out there. And I'm so used to, it's sort of like, you know, when you're the funniest guy in your

high school, you know? Oh yeah, that was me. Yeah. And you're just a class clown. Yeah. But then maybe you move to a community where it's like the funniest guy from every high school is there.

Yeah. And now you're going like, oh wow, I gotta up my game. And these big fish mall paha. And these funny guys are like stomping on you physically. Oh yeah, they're way funnier. And it seems like their high school must have been funny. And everything that you come in contact with of in their bodies, that part of your body will break.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, you're realizing that you are and you are following that analogy. But you are basically a soft bulb. And that a lot of these guys are, again, this is illegal, but they're wearing some kind of almost armory stuff. Yeah, yes.

And that some of their weapons are not plastic cocktail components, but are in fact strong swords of metal. Ah, yes, that does make sense that humans do use these types of weapons and implements to help them in their warfare, but being small is not a disadvantage necessarily. Thank you. You should use it to your advantage, and I am willing to teach you every weak point on a human body so you can attack it directly.

Also, I have some friends in the otter forge, and I could have maybe them melt down some metal and make like little foot knives or leg, leg battlements, something to accentuate your strengths. That would be huge. Like, is there a kind of metal that is very light and not hard because we are, if we're swinging it around, it's going to hit us a little bit. So it can't be sharp. And also, I'm forgetting where I put it a lot, then I'm sitting down on it.

Well, you can't see. That's not your fault. Well, yeah. And it's, and can I see, you know, I'm forgetting where I put it a lot then I'm sitting down on it and Yeah, that's new. Not your fault. Well, yeah, and it's and can I see you know, I don't see yeah It's like gotta go because yeah, yeah, but yeah, the armor has to be so so light because let's face it I'm not holding it with my haunches which are incredibly strong. I'm holding it with my arms which are not there Gatsch, it's our right, just attached to our torso. And so anything we're holding is kind of gonna be hitting us in the face. Yeah, it's right in our chin. I want to help you. The weak points things would be huge.

We're always talking about this because we've tried a lot of the points on these guys. And so far they have turned out to be very strong or not even there, we're missing them. What would help is if the point was in the foot which is really all we have access to it present let me ask you this how do you feel about scampering okay we have talked about doing this this has been a long conversation and we're on opposite sides of it and yeah you know it's sort of a let's not fight in front of the kids thing we don't want to necessarily get

into it I don't want to scamper it kills yeah and I am too tired to do it what what about our reasons for not doing it we we get in a lot of arguments I got a ton of energy but it just kills you know I've had my legs broken multiple times by these human warriors. And so when I go to scamper, it's like Well here's why I ask if you are willing to try scampering just putting this out there You were just spitballing here. Yeah, thank you. If you're bad ideas Yes, if you're near the foot already and you just scamper halfway up the leg right in the back of the knee one of the weakest points on a human B okay, is there a way to do that if you are smushed? Partially because when you say that we're like getting near the foot a lot of times

We are like extremely near it almost feels like we're inside it for a second. Yes, I see. Like, is there like a scampering move that you can do then when you're like part of you is flat? No, I think what's your flattened? That's pretty much it. Yeah, that's what we've been finding too. That's what we were finding too. That's two ferocious warriors. It's been a bit of an ego check to have to admit that,

yeah, when you're spushed, you pretty much are done with that fight. But it has a human, do you want to share with us any weaknesses, any weaknesses on a human body, or a human psyche? Is there any tips of the trade? Is there something we could yell at them? Yes, psychological warfare, that's the answer. Oh, sure.

You know what? As a human, I'm actually sort of frightened of most animals. I gotta say, guys, I find animals more frightening when they're not holding weapons. Like you put a weapon in your hand and I'm starting to think like this is adorable. They're doing human things with their hands. But when you're just like a mole running at me, that's scary. That's a little scarier to a human. You know what would be great, and this is part of the reason why we're on here,

is just to kind of get the word out that we are there in the battle, because a lot of the time that's the biggest thing, is like them not seeming to know that we're there. Whichever side of the battle we're on, yeah. And we'll fight for either side, you know, we're in these big human battles, we'll go wherever the wind is blowing.

Oh, we did, yeah. We did, yeah. That either side. You know, we're in these big human battles. We'll go wherever the wind is blowing. Oh, we did, yeah. We did, yeah. That's true. We were attacked by an army of orcs in the Vermilion Minotaur, and I got to be honest, I was not thinking much about what was going on around my feet. Yeah, dorks, dorks, burzorcs couldn't resist.

And sorry, but we don't want to. I was sort of the funniest guy in my house. We were trying to make inroads in this world, so maybe we don't do that. Right, right, right. It's just raising consciousness. Like you said, a lot of people are very selfish when they're in a battle, and they're not paying attention to what they might potentially be stomping on,

that is, and not letting people stab them. My brief time in battles, I was really largely thinking about myself. What I've been trying to get going, and you said, or maybe you could help me with it. brief time in battles I was really largely thinking about myself. Yes. What I've been trying to get going and you said, or maybe you can help me with it. Yeah, sure, yeah. What I'm loving is this idea that during the battle we haven't agreed upon time out, where we just sort of take

a head care. You seem very hung up on the legalities of the battle. Well, it's free for all as far as I know. I'd be into a timeout too during battles. Oh, I don't know if that's an option, but there's certainly no reason not to take it to the battle council and ask them. And just during the timeout, everyone talks about what they would like to see improve maybe in this battle. Everyone gets a voice. And no shooting something down without their own suggestion.

I hate this when it's like, I don't like this about the battle and it's like, okay, well. But what are you writing to the table? Yeah, exactly. Thank you. Sometimes the most powerful weapon in a battle could be a think tank. Yeah.

Yeah. Second most powerful after a mole. Can I say something about regular takes also? For like a ground based creature, those I think are, those should be completely illegal. And they already are, in fact. So Arnie tanks are when you take a wooden cart and cover it with metal and it's on tracks.

And there's two creatures or humans behind it pushing it. So it just kind of smushes everything under foot. Oh, looks terrible for moles. Can I also say this about like a sort of fish tank, like a aquarium type structure? That also is a big weakness for moles. Can I also say this about like a sort of fish tank, like a aquarium type structure? That also is a big weakness for us. I mean, you put us in one of those with some alfalfa or whatever.

We're just totally neutralized. Absolutely. I can't get out. It's so slick the sides. So I like that to be against the rules too. Can mole swim? Well, can mole drown? I'd rather not find out. what has happened to me when I

get soaked is I get scared we've had a lot of friends who have tried the swimming thing by sort of accidentally wandering into a big body of water and my the finding is that they can swim because they're swimming in there and they're never covered back yet they must love swimming so much that they get addicted to it. Because I haven't seen them swim out. Well, the other thing that might happen is they swim all the way to the other side and there's something cool over there. They stay over there.

They must. Now that we're using my great wizardly intellect, I have sust out an answer that may not have been apparent to the rest of you. Yes. You're afraid of being smushed. You're afraid of being wet. You're afraid of being trapped ined. You're afraid of being wet You're afraid of being trapped in a glass K. Yeah, check that

Those are the classic fears of anybody. Yeah, perhaps I was wrong before perhaps size is the problem If you are willing I Would be willing To grant a boom to thee a magical spell that would make you the biggest moles and all the food Whoa holy wow Well while they think that over why don't we take a quick break? Yeah, let's do a quick time out Yes, I did we wanted to yeah, we'll be right back So Mel mort um

You used to work once to make- Sorry you were looking at him when you said Mel Mour. Oh! And you were looking at me when you said Mel Mour. Yeah, I'm sorry, you're more- I'm more- Mourt sauce, Mel Mour. Okay.

We get a lot of, so we used to be the mole sauce. We advertise ourselves as like the mole sauce, like, battle team. Mm-hmm. A lot of people coming to us, looking for mole sauce. Yeah, it was not great. And also a lot of people, when we even got,

finally recognized as a battle team, saying we're gonna make mole sauce out of you, and then doing that. Yeah, do somebody say sauce. Oh, your food gentle. It took me some time to make preparation. Oh, you're food gentle. Ah, yo. Took me some time to make preparation. Ah, thank you, blemish. Blemish, wink.

E. That's great. So it's cool if we step on this while we're eating it. Oh, that's the only way we're gonna be able to do it is to get all on it. Yeah, we just get inside and sort of roll around in it. You know what? I would be honored if you would do so, and I shall join you.

No, yees, it's not. Ugh. Oh, wow. So often we don't get people doing the polite thing. And stepping on their food. And yes, just make us feel our way. Following our ways. Just roll around in the sauce with us.

Now I must point out that while you both have tiny little swords and tiny, cutel-tel-sheets, you're both wearing tiny tiny cute little crowns. Oh, yes, of course. Well, who's the mole king? Yes, and what an honor to be asked. Now, it's a bit of a... Is this more like a chughead thing? So, can't it be both?

And it is a point of contention between us who the mole king is. Obviously, Mel thinks it's him. Yeah, so make your case, Mel. Yeah, so I am the king of the moles. As you can see, I am wearing a crown. Yeah. Yes, we did get the idea from Jughead. We admire him for he's very oriented toward his goals. Yes, on the same way. Do you know Jughead? Do I know Jughead? Yes. Who's Jughead on Foon? He's the King of the Mountains. Oh.

He declared himself to be King of the Mountains. There is no King of the Mountains until there was. And it's best friend, Abel's in archery. Oh, he's in archery? Mm-hmm. So yes, as you can see, I'm wearing a crown. It is a, it sort of looks like a pitted olive. Mm-hmm.

But it fits perfectly over my head, which means I am the chosen King of the Moles. Okay, I'm so sorry. I didn't recognize you as a, I didn't recognize that as a crown when you came in, you're mad just to go back. And sorry, and Mel, and Mel, I didn't interrupt you when you were going.

So if you could not interrupt me, and I didn't interrupt you when you were going either. And now it is time for me to go. I am King of the Moles. You could tell because I have this crown up. Yeah, it is a braided pine needle and it is bent all the way around my head. And yeah, it kills.

So I rule all the moles and it's an issue for me and really for Mel if you want to recognize his reign. That all the walls kind of look the same. Yeah, and there's this other kind of rival, mold king, which is basically a sphere of moles with their haunches kind of tied together by accident. And our disadvantage with them is they are extremely powerful. Ornian Foon, if a small animals get tangled together,

whether it be their tails or their fur, they automatically become a king or at least get to vie for the throne. Yeah, that's one argument. So yeah, so there's a lot of sides to it. The other thing is a lot of the moles that we do run into can't see our crown anyway. So I almost don't know why I wear it.

And the kill. I'm so glad to hear that it is still there. I can't reach it. So if it's gone, it's gone for a few days before I actually only run into it again and then sort of mish my head and do it. So it goes back on. Now, this is a fascinating discovery. For I thought this whole time that the king of the moles

was Salmara Nara. Yeah, so that is the name of the big sphere. Ah, that's not makes sense. They took on that name. They are really making a name for themselves in battles with some of these humans in Orcs and stuff. They can, they roll down this mountain into a battle and they're taking out like 40, 50 guys.

Which goes back to my point from before the break. Size. Yeah. So this evil, Thank you for bringing that back up, I wasn't sure. This evil mole started to just one mole and then just sort of started to grow. Nothing evil about it, really just an accident,

but you could say that the opposite of love is indifference. Wow. Wait, and we say that the opposite of love is in difference. Wow. Wait, and we say that all this time. And this is a good example of that. I've been, so I have some questions about the size thing, just because like, am I going to look fat? Just, you know, is there other stuff we can be doing at the same time?

I'm going to make you wait the same time. Yeah, is there something I should be doing? Because really, if I'm going to be that big, I might be able to make time with the Queen of the Moles. Yes. Cindy Crawford. No. Oh, she's more of a beauty mark, right? You know, it's not really for me to say I can't say anything.

And his name is, his name is more, not Mark. Oh, sorry about that. But if I am going to get that big I would like to really take a run at the Queen of the Moles, Cindy Crawford. And so when I'm doing that, my understanding is that she really likes a slender man. Yeah. Well, you have to be careful of slender men. But I will say that if I do grow your size, if I do increase your size, you shall maintain your aspect ratio. Okay. Well, I don't know what that is now.

What I, you know, I could look great. Well, if you feel like you look good now, you'll look the same, but bigger on all sizes. I won't make just one part of you bigger, although I could make your haunches a little bit bigger. So, you're... So, you're... If you make these moles start to get bigger,

should we just be like watching them closely from time to time? Arne, don be like watching them closely from time to time? Arnie, don't say watching them closely. They're mole kings. They're the blind leading the blind. Oh, okay. Careful how you phrase stuff. I'm just saying like if a mole starts to get bigger

or starts to have a different shape over time, like we should have that mole checked out. Yes, we'll have to check in on them from time to time and make sure they don't change color or do something unexpected. A naturalro-shape, yeah. Yes, you got it. You have to be careful. That was it.

What I thought you were going to say at first though. Yes, if I do increase the size of these moles though, I do have to decrease your size. You're right. I'm into it. Yes. So they would be, you know, four or five feet tall and I, you'd probably end up like two feet tall or so. Oh.

Yes, I would be stealing your very height I'm a damn still into it That's good for me that works out great for me, too. Yeah, I'm into that. Are we should we do it? Well, let's toast on it first. Oh, blemish another round of drinks Blimey you to name it Well for me. what would you like? I'll have a red potion. No, ale, what would you like?

Ails all around, Tiz. Sounds good. I had like a big boy drink, I guess. Oh, yes, of course, as big moles, you can have big boy drinks. Is that cool? I mean, I've not, you know. Absolutely. Two big boy drinks, or the two big boys. I'm just pouring whatever's in these pictures, I mean,

still orienting myself around the kitchen. Very well then. Let it begin. Here's a, if you're a bartender, sorry, just like, here's a sort of joke that I came up with. I was sort of the funniest guy in my high school, but his just made me think of this. Is that like somebody orders a glass of beer

and you go, hey, take a picture, it'll last longer. And guess whether in a battle, people are laughing at a very funny joke like that, or are they just being selfish and ignoring it? And using the fact that I'm telling a joke to locate and smish me. Yes, but thank you, wait until we're big boys and see who's laughing men.

Everybody will be. At the time, humor can diffuse a situation. Thank you. Oh, Shab, more At time, humor can diffuse a situation. Thank you. Oh, oh, Shab, more, you shouldn't crawl into that pitcher. Mort, I think I'm gonna be okay. Thanks. Oh, no, he's all wet. Get out. Get for that. There, there, there. Are you all right? So I posed the question again. Can you alright? Ooh, yeah, I'm good, I'm good. So I pose the question again, can you swim? Shut up, man. You need to stay out of the pitcher that way you'll last longer.

Can someone describe what just happened? I shall begin my spell now. Here, I am focusing all my magical energies into this crystal I hold in my hand. Very soon, Arnie's heights shall become mill and mortes when I speak the magical incantation. Swo-mo! Wow! Oh boy! I am very high up!

That kills! I... Ah, wow! I'm not scared! Very high up That kill I Wow, I'm not scared It is so high up here. It's it's great. I love it. You know what I'm just gonna put my arrest I think I'm gonna lie down as well Because I'm feeling so brave that I'm confident enough to lie down in public and I'm not scared of what happened or how high up I feel. Well, they're too chairs here. You could sit in a chair. Okay, let me try and get on this thing. Oh my god.

No, wow. Ugh. Yikes. This is great. Just so fun to be sort of dizzy. Here, guys, find your comfort zone. Maybe go butt to butt. Okay.

Oh, and here, Oni here. Let me lift you up and set you on the table. Oh, thank you. No, no, no, Arnie, those are big boy drinks. Now, how are you feeling? Are you getting accustomed to it? I'm sure it's a change. I feel very cool.

Here's what, maybe I'll do this. Tip the chair over on its side. And kind of sit on it in a lying down way. Yeah, and I'm going to do this sort of, I might get under the chair just to check the bottom of the chair for what's going on there and make sure it's sturdy if I'm going to sit on it's sturdy if I'm gonna sit on it And now I'm down here and I'm thinking that don't look too stable I'll stay here and just keep an eye on this thing. I am sensing some trepidation

So that's weird because I am very brave. Yeah, it's man That's in your head. That's on you man. You point a finger at me. There's three point it back at you A very well. I apologize for missing tre misinterpreting. But let me do this. Even if you aren't afraid, why don't I take this sword off the wall and let you hold it in your head? Okay, and is it supposed to be this scary? It's pretty scary, but think of how powerful it shall make you. Okay.

Okay. Uh, um, well you're not not gonna lot of stuff off the table. Yep. I can't tell if he's swinging there for just shaking. Nope. That's what I'm trying to do. Oh, okay. Okay.

His arm's looked so atrophied. Can we fix that? Sure. Uh, yes. If you're gonna steal strength from someone, you're not gonna get any from me. Uh, well, fine. Not that.

What about a thing? Is there like a strap where the sword just sticks out of the center of my chest? That could be good for me. And hope people run into you? The arm thing is not going well. Yeah, if they run into me, or even if they just don't, if they just give me a little space for once.

Yes, you can't get smushed if you've got a sword strapped to your chest, right? We hope. And the strap, we've had this experience with backpacks and stuff. It can't be the kind of straps that you need, like, arms and shoulders to keep on your torso. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Any backpack type thing that's slide it right off and then it's getting tangled up in my haunches Well, I'm I'm sorry you aren't more excited about being big Although you're very brave. No impossible to be more excited that I am Right now. Yeah, you're missing turbidding. It's that's your hang up. Yes, you're right. I apologize Wait, you, or I have an idea, maybe these moles,

I know you guys are really great at being big and you're brave enough to be. Me too. Yeah, I'm saying thank you. But maybe the best, maybe the way that they could really be great warriors is if they return to their former size as much as I know you don't want that.

Oh, is that an option? That's, oh no. And I don't want to fight with Arnie, so let's hear him out because I always do say, when you're in a debate, like this, a sort of brainstorming session, it's like, let him finish the whole idea. So what were you saying,

because I don't want to do it, but maybe you have some more? Well, the biggest war in all of Foon right now is the war with the Dark Lord. And, you know, we could really use some espionage, like, is that poking with a little sharp thing? It's sort of like poking with your mind? Okay, there's a mental element to everything we do.

Yes, poking with your mind, the most sexual organ of all. And especially there's a mental element to everything Mel does because the dude's friggin mental You mean you guys haven't seen this dude after we have a scorpion bull he goes insane Yeah, I mean that's total lunatic. I love him But he's a freaking kuku baby. So you're your mental Mel. I've heard of you. Yeah, holy shit Yeah, this guy's lucky there you tell him what you did did to the roaches and the great roach whore. Yeah, the roaches. You were like pull off wings,

you were like by sexting, right? You were. Yes. So I was definitely chasing them around. The story got a little exaggerated later. But he almost got one. I mean, all the stories I've heard, all the great legends and lore,

all source back to you. I mean, they're like, I'm like, who'd you hear from someone on the battle? Well, I did find this wing as you can, you know, as you can see, it's kind of my little shield here. And I'm not sure if I discovered it or if I ripped it off some guy, but I think I'm pretty sure I ripped it off. You know, how when you hear a story about something crazy happening, they say consider the source.

Well, originally they said consider the sauce. Because usually the source was more sauce, and I was telling a story about mental male. And they got embellished a bit, because I kind of wanted us to have a tough reputation, and he wasn't doing anything for it. So I was just like, oh man, my buddy, like you really don't want to see him. Like I kind of put a top off. And I wasn't doing anything for it. So I was just like, oh man, my buddy, like you really don't wanna see him.

Like I kinda, I wasn't doing anything cause I don't like to brag about this stuff cause I am so busy chasing these guys. Mm-hmm. Yeah, so I was sort of good cop mal and then yeah, and so I would be like this, these tough and then I go just look and you turn around and hopefully he'd be pretty close

to one of these roaches Yeah, and hopefully I'm there. Yes. Oh gosh. Yes. Now I see Arnie was onto something But perhaps not espionage perhaps your great gift to offer the war against the dark Lord is to become small again Run up to people's ears and whisper propaganda. Make great tales to fill our enemies with fear. Okay, that we could be really good at. Yes. Like what's something you're trying to get out there right now?

Oh yeah. Well, I think if you tell the sorts of stories you told about Mel, perhaps about Arnie and Shunt and myself. Okay, it's more like, is there like Dark Lord? It's like you want to, people think the Dark Lord's bad. Oh yeah, it's also negative about him. So here, check this out. And so I'm just like running up to you.

Yes. And I'm getting there, like you can ever hear this Dark Lord. This guy's corny. Yeah, corny is hell. Yeah, dude, yeah, and I'm running up to you. I'm on the other side and go, oh man, you guys talking about the dark lord? I'm sick of his corny ass.

Yes, whispered into my very ear. It's like a finger to my brain, attempting to remove some fog. I feel now the dark lord's sort of lame as hell. Yeah, and that was fun for me to do. It made me feel big. Mm-hmm. But not in the scary way.

No, in a normal, comfortable size for me way. I felt big internally by just going like, dark load thinks he's so great, but like, check it out. Then I was originally. What? Then I was originally correct, but too literal. You want to feel big, but too literal! You want to feel big, but not physically big.

Yeah, I'm noticing at this size, I am so dense! Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, shrink it back down and maybe give him Arnie's confidence. Oh, yes, here. First, I shall grab my crystal again, and I shall cast the spell to make you the correct, physical size. But, you said, or I really need to retain what little confidence I have left.

Oh well, oh it's fine, I uh, uh, what about Drew over there? Oh yeah, I mean, are you okay with that? Yeah, take everything from Drew, but leave him alive because no one dies. Yeah, Drew, Drew just look directly in my eyes. Stay over there. Yo, what's up? I-I'm going to steal your confidence. That's fucking busted, dude.

Alright. Yeah, now. Oh, you're not gonna die! You're not gonna die. We're just gonna take everything from you. We have a strict no-one dies policy. I'll have Spider-Man. I'm a little forever.

Well, don't worry. Don't worry, Drew, later we're gonna edit your voice out. Oh, man. Oh, it's g-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y- Don't worry, don't worry Drew later. We're gonna edit your voice out What's God? Mental male Nya-Nya-Kan sit to the sauce Nya-Nya-Drew God's grace Okay, well this feels a lot better

size wise I know there's some other changes So one thing that I'm sort of feeling for myself is like, I don't sound as convincing. It's adorable. It is adorable. Okay. Well, it can be adorable when they're freaking doing propaganda against you.

Well, try it again. Try it again as you did before. You know, Arnie? Uh-huh, yes. His whack asks, come on, that's shit. again as you did before. You know Arnie? Uh-huh, yes. His whack ass, come on, that's shit. He friggin' stinks. That's pretty good.

Yeah, yeah, you guys ever, uh, you guys talking about that guy, Arnie? I fuck outta here with that shit. Miss me with the bullshit. Oh, you can miss me with that Arnie bullshit. That's for sure. I think we fixed them. Yes. Okay, yeah, that's for sure. I think we fixed them. Yes, okay. Yeah, that feels pretty good. Guys, let's just be very clear though. And for what side we're spreading the propaganda for.

Positive things about us. Negative things about the Dark Lord. I was pretty happy. Just go in and like I see it, man. Yeah, this this Arnie thing works for me. I liked it. We'll do propaganda, but we will not lie. But we will not lie! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ugh, propaganda am I right? Who needs it? Anyway this show's not real. Yousador The Wizard was played by Matt Young, Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adel Refi. The Mole Warriors, Mel Mole and Mort Soss were played by Hayes Davenport and Sean Clemens from the podcast Hollywood Handbook, and if you already love Hollywood Handbook check

out the Pro version, extra content every week on Stitcher Premium. And Winky Silks, the actor was played by Joey Blan from the improvised Shakespeare company. Sorry about the main computer interface. Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arne Neacamp, Evangelcover, and Ryan D. Georgie, this one edited by Garrett Schultz, music by Andy Polent, logo by Allard LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at aloefromthemagictabmer.com or on Facebook or Twitter, thanks to the Jicago podcast co-op and thanks to EarWolf.

Access to the rectangle array granted. Really, he said not believing? Right after we talk about how cargo pants and flip flops are the Montague's and capulets of the fashion world, they don't mix. Oh, damn it!