Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 68 - But What About the Baron?

Episode Date: July 16, 2018

Baron Ragoon barges into the Ruffled Feather hoping to move the story along. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungBaron Ragoon: Chris RathjenWinky Silks: Joey BlandMysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hey, this is Trisha up in the Space Bunker. Before we get to the episode, I'm gonna try to hack into this system. Let's see if I have more luck than Craig. Okay, this isn't so hard. Scan confirmed. Welcome, Chef Gordon Ramsay. I do not look like Gordon Ramsay anymore. Tell that to your haircut. This is so insulting.

Facial recognition error adjusted. Damn right it has. Welcome, ball of pizza dough, under a stack of damp newspapers. Not cool. Not cool computer. Now you guys enjoy the episode while I deal with the hurtful computer interface. Obviously, it does not have feelings because it would not be acting this way if it did. Proceed, Sarah Jessica Parker, after a bad fall.

What? Come on, that's not even fair. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical antifune. Should we still be saying Magic Tavern? What? Should we be saying hello from the Ruffled Feather? Okay, we are no longer in the Vermilion Minotaur, we're in the Ruffled Feather, Chunt, but this is a Magic Tavern. It's a Black Magic Tavern, in fact. Like, can we say hello from the Black Magic Tavern?

Okay, yeah, we could do that. Thank you. All right, grab a drink, you want anything? Uh, yeah, I'll have, I'll just have some water. Okay, alright. Hello from the Black Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arneanie Camp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About three years and some change ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift and I use that upload a podcast. I record every week here in our new home, the ruffled feather in the town of Hogg's face

in the land of Foon. And I'm joined as always by my co-host, my good bud, my fellow ruffled feather local, you sir or the wizard? I am Yusador, wizard of the twelfth realm of a feces master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical lights devour chaos, champion of the great holes of Trockus, the elves nobis fying elic, the dwarves nobis zoning in hook stangies, and I am known in northeast this gas amanias me star, and there may be other secret names.

I, names of such great power and portent that if I were to enter them allowed, bad stuff would happen. Ooh. Yeah. Oh, I don't, I, yeah, I have to thank you. Oh, okay, finally. Oh, I already regret this. No, welcome.

I must thank you for finding us this new home here. I know at first that I did cast out demons and strike down evil doers as they did into the tavern, but I've come quite accustomed to this place. It's quite comfortable. I'm learning all sorts of new runes and cryptology that shall help me defeat the Dark Lord Yeh. For now that I understand him better, what better way to undo thine enemy? Yeah, you know, I miss the Vermillion Minotaur as much as anybody,

that was a very important place to me, but now that we've really spent some time in the ruffled feather, there's a fun like magic energy in this place, and I feel like we're really learning good stuff. And it's taught me to be more accepting of people from all walks of life. Yeah, you know, like spending time with people that are a little more morally ambiguous, or let's just say use magic to different ends, it's a real eye opener.

It truly is. Look there at the ball right now. Mm-hmm. If there's a demon there, that is clearly a sulfurous, evil, uh, bat-winging demon. That's definitely a demon. His name is Grombom. Grombom? Grombom. He doesn't look like a Grombom. He doesn't look like a Grombom, but he is.

And I suppose- Is it short for anything? Grombomulus? No, he looks like a Grombomulus, yeah. I wouldn't spoke to him for a long time time and do you know what he wants to do? I don't know, each children. He wants to return to his own realm. Oh.

I think you and he would have a lot in common. Yeah, absolutely. I'm sure he also has a lot of other stuff that he wants to do that complicates the process of him to his best home. No, he's pretty singularly focused on that one task. Well, that makes him a pretty like shallow character. There's an old saying that if the outers take an empty glass jar and fill it with all the little pebbles, there's no room for the big rocks. But if you put the big rock inside the jaw and fill the little pebbles, they will fill

in around it. Why would you put a big rock in a glass jar? Oh, it's so fun. Shut! Yeah! Do you remember when we were putting rock in a glass jar? Oh, it's so fun. Shut! Yeah! Do you remember when we were putting rocks inside of glass jars? Oh, that was the best. It's so fun.

See, it's fun. Oh, hey, also. Yeah. I met this guy at the bar, Grombom. He's looking for some kids to eat. I knew it. Oh. See, he's got more than one interest.

He's not just one thing. Well, he probably sensed that I was a wizard and he didn't want to mention that to me, because then I would have smoked him. You know what? People are multifaceted and they show different faces to different people. Also, Grombom has a couple faces. Oh, well, excuse me for a moment, I'm going to go kill Grombom.

No, you said or? What? No one dies. I'll ask Spider-Man. But he's going to kill children if I don't kill him. Well, I think that you should go over there and politely ask him not to eat children. Fine. I shall use my most polite voice! Hey, Jai.

Hi. Here's your, oh, actually, they didn't have water, so I got you a water. A water? What, what's water? Oh, this? I'm not gonna get warts on my face again. Mm, nothing. So, also, it's care on my face again. Mm-hmm. Not nothing. So, also it's care of a macho mantis-randi mantis.

No! Keep on this for you so much. I like macho mantis-randi mantis. He's pretty nice. She's one of the other cool locals here, the Ruffles. Feather. So complex. Should we have a name for people who come to the Ruffles Feather?

Like, Ruffies? Ooh. Yeah, I mean, yeah, Ruffos. Ruffos? Um, like, uh... Well, I said Ruffios. That's pretty good. Yeah, you know, that was good But like like something like first just keep thinking maybe yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no No, no, just agree with my idea. No, no, we got some good ones. What's the idea? I had Mm-hmm. Does that make sense? No, no sure sure sure sure. Yeah, yeah, like

What's that? Ruffalos ruffalos. That's it. All Alright. Let me make the case that if you join the Dark Lord service, we'll give you the Joker. Oh, who's that talking to Grombom? It's the Baron. The Baron! Yes, don't you recognize him? It's been so long I haven't seen him since the Dark Lord's birthday party. Joy pretend we don't see him. We should definitely put our menus in front of our faces.

Okay, also use the door. Here's your drink. It's a gin and tunic. Thank you. Yeah, just find a squirrel and set it on fire and we will get your message. You're interested. Ah. Alright. Excuse me, do you mind if I-

Seats taken. Uh, can't sit here. You use the different voice. Seats taken. Can't sit here. Yeah, you can't sit here with us at this table. I'm using the same voice Sorry, makes it up. Uh, Jumminite, I know it's you. I saw you before you lifted your menus. No one coral menu face. Oh, all right Well, and I'm Arnie menu face

No, never fuck out our rules has has been or thrown he has seen through it Baron what brings you to the ruffled feather Business I've got some business and some dealings. Can I can I sit at the table this very table, please? Oh Okay Baron. Yes, please join us. Hello Usador. Hello. Hello Barney helloador. Hello. Hello. Barney. Hello, Baron. Hello. Junt. Core, Blimey.

So I suppose that you work for us right now, technically? Uh, it's a bit of a gray area. I'm technically uh... floating, but yes, I am. Here to help you in any way that I can while in the town of Hogsface. Um... Ooh, you have to help us? Well, in the town of Hogs face, I will remind you that the ruffled feathers, technically

in this cursed forest, make shingle shame. And I think it's a gray area, and let's just not, it's clearly hogs face adjacent. Well, I guess it is clearly hogs face adjacent. It's like a suburb. You know, like people who live in a suburb of a city, they just tell other people they live in that city, even though you could quibble about it and be like, you don't live in Chicago, you live in Skokie.

What's a suburb? What's a Skokie? Ah, I need a drink. Excuse me, one moment. Very well. What are we going to do with the bear in here? Yeah, I mean, it's so confusing. Like, he's Eve, all he works for the Dark Lord.

He's one of the main members of our Rogues gallery of villains. I guess technically we work with him because of our truce with the Dark Lord. I say we dress him up like a little sailor outfit, give him an oversized lollipop, feed him the grombop. Yes, we should be embarrassing more of our enemies while we have this power over them. Maybe you're just like a pie in the face. That's pretty funny, right? What's an undignified way to die? A pie in the face. And you guys hear me? Yes, yes, a pie in the face. Me as you, a pie in the face. That's a good idea. All right. Well, what's going on? Well, we've taken up residents here at the ruffled fellow license. We were kicked out of the familiar minute all

I know oh well there with his a zoning law with have been looking at where you move The park that zone five six inches over from zone six Yeah, that's right and then make sure that all but everything in zone five is marked as residential It's very gripping. Also, we've been looking for someone to wear this Sailor costume. I just conjured. The little Sailor costume?

Yeah. Well, I mean, the cuffs ride a little high. The hats a little tight. Pretty nice. Looks like it's about your size. It is. Well, let me just try on the hat. All right, I've just got to say this while I change briefly here.

I clearly underestimated you, gentlemen. I've been thinking about this since you stood away, since you revealed that you maintained your powers, and since the three of you successfully ran a resistance and infiltrated the Dark Lord's birthday party. I thought you fools. Mm-hmm. You can say it, game-recognized game. Yes.

Yes, and for all of the times I, virtue as Jack and Apes, I apologize. Oh, that's a bad thing! Well we accept your apology, and, uh, now, uh, that you are... in league with us, uh, in what ways are you going to help us defeat the void? I'm going to ask you what the hell are you doing here? Well, we got kicked out of the Vermilion Minotaur. Yes, I know. I came to the Vermilion Minotaur to check in on you. Yes. There was a new woman in charge of it.

Oh, Octavia. Uh-huh. Yes, Octavia Barleyfoot. Is- was her mother tall? Yes, very. She was furious with me. She was unaware of any arrangements we had made. And, uh, I- I just wanted to get in.

She's like, you have to have a password to get in now. It's right there, right by the Travelers Road, and it's not even open to the general public. Oh, it's like an exclusive bar now? Well, I mean, she just really hates most people who go to the door as the vibe I'm getting. Yeah. Well, how do you find out what the password is if you've never been in? I-I don't know.

You didn't get in, either? No. But you'll recall, part of the reason the dark lord gave you control of the town of Hogsface was so that you could find a weapon inside the Vermilion Minotaur. Oh right, that's on our list. That's on our list of things to do. That's way up near the top of our list of things to do. Right.

And now I'm here, I'm trying to find you. You're not there. Crazy Jared isn't there. That brevenant waitress isn't there. And so I'm getting yelled at. Now I'm running through these cursed woods, which I don't know if I've made clear I am not a fan of this forest,

to talk to you, to do what you should be doing anyway. Well, crazy Jarrett's around. I think he's in here tonight somewhere. Oh, yeah, Blenish. Hey, Blenish, come on over. Can we get some drinks? A corb, brainy, welcome home. I am Blenish. Blenish of, Blenish! Uh, come on over, could we get some drinks? A Corb, I-any-will-come-all, I am Blimish! Blimish of... Blimish is my name!

Here I am to give thee whatever thou does want. Thank you, crazy Jared. That is definitely Blimish. Hmm. Well, just what-what is going on? What are you doing with yourselves? Guys, what? Have we been doing with ourselves? I've been catching up on the weekly comic book series Jack and ape It's about a man and his pet ape who go on adventures in self-crime. I think it's pretty good

I've been reading a series of erotic scrolls called Jack and ape. It's spelled differently. Jack's often Jack and ape sounds dirty when you just come out and say it. I have been very busy, traveling from town to town, learning secrets of magic, and Mr. Garts beyond all mortal understanding. Oh, you know what? We haven't been accomplishing things. We recorded season two of offices in Boston. Oh yeah, we did that.

Cross it off. Cross it off. Okay, I'm adding it to the list. Oh my gosh. Cross off. Offices in boss a season two from the list. Oh, next time we have a chance we'll do that. Now we have two things to cross off. Exactly. It feels good.

All right, defeat the Dark Lord, rude. Let's see, and defeat the void. Yes, that's what we're all focusing on right here. Well, we've made a little bit of progress there. For I have learned that if I take my obsidian arm, you see my arms turning into a pure black obsidian here. Oh, yes, and I thrust it into the center of the void. It shall absorb it.

But I don't know how to find the center of it or get into the center of it. He's not sure how to start the fisting. See, when you say it, so you've you've you've figured out you've got a magic arm. And you're now locked out of the tether. Yeah. The Dark Lord is certain that a weapon capable of defeating the void or perhaps finding its center is hidden in the Vermilion Minotaur. Well, looking at finding the center, here's a giant lolly if you wanna look away at that. Let me see how many looks it takes you to get to the center.

Well, is this the only bar food they have? Yeah. Right, so. All right. How have you been? Yeah, what are you having up to? You've looked better, I've gotta say. Thank you.

Is that rude? Is that a backhanded compliment? You can thank me for the concern in my voice. All right. I have been hard at work in the service of the Dark Lord. Thankfully, he did not assign me to babysit hogs face full time, although I do see that you guys have been hard at work running the town. I'd say I saw you in May or to peace of fruit. Smart move there.

Yes, we have five Mayors now. I remember when we infiltrated Skur, I replaced the Council of Burgers with a pile of yams, so it's a very solid strategy. But no, I've been moving about, you know, I can go places, perhaps more subtly than some of the Dark Lords orcs or spider bears or dragon moth hybrids. Oh my God, I haven't seen any of these things. Those are terrifying. You haven't seen a spider bear? No. You know, identify areas that are ripe for infiltration or conquest. Well, you should be looking for some sort of political lines of that sort. Now that Prince Dotholmew has returned from the hedgemaid, so the rightful heir to Grim Fallon.

I'm sorry, what? No, you haven't heard. I'm- I'm sorry, could you see all of that again? Oh, eh, Prince Dotholmew has returned has returned the right layer to the throne of Grim Fallon And I'm sorry you heard this from what I hear from his own mouth. We did speak to him right at this very Like two weeks ago, right? Yes, I think two weeks ago who but so his he has it seems like months ago But I think it was just too long ago. You know time flies when you're just

Be in a ruffalo and he has a mouth. Yes a mouth so Crazy Jared I need another drink. Oh Gore right me somebody's thirsty. Not me blemish. I'm not thirsty. I'm working here. That's what I do. Thank you, blemish. Um, well that's fascinating. Are you all right, Bearing? You seem really upset about the guy at the place. Grim Fallon is the kingdom that my barony of Shrike swore field to. And of course, for 30 years now, it has been sealed due to an ensoclement. I don't know, all that sweat is really making that sailor outfit shrink. It's this carfunishly small.

Yeah, it's like cotton. Straight up cotton. Without any feedback from the monarchy. Shrike has very much been on its own, which allowed me to pursue my own agendas, including the Shrike's back campaign, and then the Shrike is allied with the dark Lord campaign, and eventually a thousand years from now this blasted heath will be remembered as the previous location of Shrike. Cam, man. That's my favorite. Yeah, you know those pants are really shrinking up on you. You want to take those off and I can transport the bottom of you into a duck? A duck?

Yes, so your genitals aren't showing. Oh. All right, I guess that's strangely dark circles aren't showing? What have I been looking at? I mean, you have to really get in there. Okay, all right, nope, this is getting very tight. This is getting very tight. Take those pants off. Lothra, warm, yes, ni-sn-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i So I'm sorry, Baron. I'm near this world. So I don't know all the nuances of the political as a

source of food, but it seems like this is bad for you. Chuck, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, yeah. Is in source of words. In source of words. I don't recognize it, but he said it was such confidence that I was like, mm-hmm, me too. Yeah, I don't know. It's just in theory, were this prince to be crowned King of Grandfellin? I would owe him fealty. Oh, that's got to be a tough spot to be in because, you know, if you're Ensorcell-Mencing fealty, then that's quite an Ensorcell-Ment that you're painting yourself into.

Yes, what's an Ensorcell-Ment we've all made. These guys clearly understand what I'm talking about. Yeah, nailed it. Well, fine, it's just, I'll deal with it. Well fine. It's just I'll deal with it I'll deal with it. I'll deal with that. I'll deal with my parrot and plan fell through. I'm got To ride up to Gisil knob now and yell at the Headmaster there. Oh, can I thank you. Well, thank you for yelling at can but aren't you put that on the list yell at can?

It's just I've just been running myself a little ragged. Um, you know, we had a lot of momentum when the Dark Lord began his march. And now it really feels like we're pelting defense in a lot of areas. Oh, what a shame. I feel just terrible. Oh, so you're saying that the Dark Lord, although he's

taken over most of the food seems to be showing some weak points and... Oh, you mean besides having to give you guys Hog's face and being afraid of a literal void of nothingness? Yes, there are some signs. BAN! You love the Dark Lord. You're like one of his biggest supporters. I'm shocked to hear you say anything even vaguely negative about him. You know, you're right. You're right. I'm just, uh, I'm lashing out here. I'm being unreasonable. I just- No, no, no, I like it. Look at Baron, we don't- we don't like the Dark Lord.

You know, I just, when he first, uh, when he first, like, was first like was on the move he had like just some Some diddies that I love to hear like we will roll over all in our in our way Classic diddy, yeah, yeah, it's did you word? I don't think so that but I just repeated it to make it feel like I knew it. Yeah, that was great Okay, I'm gonna do it too great and now he's like we're gonna do some new stuff now And it's like strategic and working with our... Oh, he's it or he's it or he's it or...

And I'm like, no, play the rolling over and everyone with... Dizzy! Yeah, exactly. He used to know what I'm talking about. Yes, exactly. Ugh. Well, uh... Big old itdies.

Big watch... Now, I see here not a sad day, but an opportunity! Yes. Who do you seize this opportunity, Baron, to change allegiances, to help us defeat the Dark Lord and the Void, and make sure all the children and men and women of food are safe for all the rest of time? No. Oh, all right.

But I do see an opportunity for us to all get back on track. So you guys need to destroy the void. Hey there, brothers. Why don't I get you another round of order? Oh, I had introductions on order. This is the Baron Ragon of the Shrek Valley. This is... Macho Mantis Rendy Mantis.

That's right. Oh yeah. Well, you two would be great ditty. And I'm sure if your insorcelments are aligned, you'd be happy to... Um... What the fuck is a ditty? Uh, uh...

Well, you know... It's not in the Sorcelment. It's nothing like an... Oh, why don't you just say insorcelment? Hey, John, here's the new wish you'll jack in ape. Gorilla warfare. Let's dig a quick break. Shut, respond to him.

What? Sput, thank you. Macho Mantis, Randy Mantis talked right to you and you just stared at him saying nothing. You thought you were around of water earlier and you didn't even think him when he came to the table to get you another round of water. I think so, man.

Macho Mantis, Randy Mantis, everyone's been very rude to you today and I want to apologize on the other behalf I'm so glad to see you again. with secular human hands. Oh. Did you know that on Earth there are a quarter of a million pets with prosthetic testicles? That's good to know, Sailor Duck. Huh. That's true. Why don't you take a quick break and I'll get you some more drinks. Okay.

Alright, great. Ah, yeah, let's take a quick break. Oh, yeah. So, Baron, I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but you seem so down in the dumps. Is there anything we can do to make you feel better? Anything we can do to help? Well, actually, yes. I came here, well, I came to the Vermilion Minotaur with two errands, actually. Today, one, defeat the void.

Let's get this, you know, interlude, where we're all hanging back and like not, let's get that dealt with. But the other one is, I need you to look at this laptop. That's another laptop. Oh, I fear I have a confession here, Arnold. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Some time ago, I attempted to copy your technology.

Oh, shit! What?! Creating magical duplicates. And here I have created a peach laptop. A lot of the letters I'm missing on the keyboard. So you can't type all the words. Just as Quirty. Yes you can't type all the words. Just as query. Yes, there's just so few letters.

So it's a bit of a bastard laptop, but it sort of works. Well, yes, we stole this laptop and have been using it our own purposes for some time. But it stopped working. I mean, well, basically, it's still working, except it keeps demanding an update, and we don't know any of the past words

starting to walk. Pigeon toad, the cries it makes when you turn it on, getting more and more pained. Oh. And it just keeps saying, we need an update, and forever, I was ignoring it and Drip Fang would use it and close all the windows. But it's at the point now where we need your password and I can't guess.

We've used everything we can to guess. Yes, I was magically duplicating your phones at first, because I wanted more time on the internet. I must admit. That's how you guys have been tweeting so much. So well, perhaps. I don't know. And you each get one hour of screen time at the end. It's not enough time.

And so if you do more around the tavern, cleaning things up, doing your chores, brushing your teeth, chung, then you can get more screen time. But look, none of these passwords work. All right, enter your password. Hester, Prin, and Captain America, both wear an A on their chest. Incorrect password.

It's the kind of password you need to do, it would have in those luggage. That was very long. You are more likely to die in January than in any other month. Is that true? Incorrect. Well, they seem long. Yeah, why would those be your passwords?

They're your, I'm guessing your passwords. My passwords? What, how would this... The one thing I was not able to magically duplicate was the password. So you'll let you know the passwords. Arnie, America has a captain. You said they have a president. Yeah, there's also a captain, America, on earth.

Where are you shielding me from this information? Fibranium. You said, I used it, I used it, I don't know that. Where are you now? I don't know, are you there? I'll do you sit in a sedentary. No, I, if I'm brain-y-um, no. Look, all right, I might as well tell it

since we won't be using it, but we've been stealing your memories, aren't it? What? Those are in shockast Those brief factoid sentences are your memories? Well, they're the only thing that we've pulled out of your brain with this machine Uh, say some more of them. Oh, well, I mean, I do know that the largest organism on Earth is a 3.4 square mile mushroom, which, you know, is exactly the same as Phoon. Arnold, do you know what this means? No.

They've taken out your very memories. And what was your job before you came here to Phoon? I guess I was a video game maker with the emphasis on trivia rating? And these sound like strange factoids from you all were. They sound like delightful factoids from my world. Well, I'm at strange and delightful and sort of quirky, yes. I mean, hard to know the answers, dude, but... Well, you have to sort of know two things and mash them up in a strange way.

Sure. Well, you apparently don't remember your kindergarten teacher's name, your mother's maiden name, you don't seem to have any other information in there Florence is doing the answer to both of those is Captain America Try Captain America Captain America nope incorrect Look if you need help with the password for your weird bastard eyes computer just just put in one two three four five One two Just put in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Oh, you are getting me. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5! Ah, ah, ah, ah, it works! Very good count.

I'm very vibranium of you. Baron, and thank you. So, Baron, you were stealing memories out of my head? Wait, didn't your children say something about you having a memory machine? Uh, yes, I recall they confessed to you exactly what our plan was. When I found out I was quite cross, but it didn't seem to cause any problems, so. I don't remember that. Have you been stealing memories from all of us?

Well, we've tried. Some people's minds put up more of a fight than others, but uh... Yes, good luck stealing my memories when they are like water through a sieve. And uh, we couldn't quite get a lock on, uh, Chant's brain since it kept changing animal shapes. Mm-hmm. Change your size with whatever animal I am. Right now it's small. Because I just got tiny brain.

Ernie, name me Pai. Pai? Pesme Pai. Oh, Pesme Pai. Right now it's small because I just got tiny brain Ernie That's me pie Hi, that's me pie. Oh pass me pie if you really vibranium chunch You'll give him a piece of pie Baron. What are you doing to our brains right now because clearly something's wrong? No, I'm just a very intelligent If you could excuse me one moment. I'll need to step away Um, if you could excuse me one moment, I'll need to step away. Excuse me, um, uh, Macho Mantis, Randy Mantis.

Yes? Do you know what the word vibranium means? It's a type of middle. Oh, okay. The vibrates is such a frequency, brother. That it can't be destroyed. Okay, great. I've just been trying to use it, so no one knew that I didn't know what it was.

Thank you. Or, are we friends? What? I-I-I needed to talk to somebody and like, I couldn't be someone at that table. Can I ask you something as well? Yes, go ahead. You're wearing a pretty tight sailor outfit. Yeah. A duck bottom.

Yes. And a lolly? Yes. Or you were child? No. I-I was my friend. We're a fabulous-looking-a-he-jewd-rin. I'm not a child. It's just been having a child? No. I'm-I'm his my friend, we're a fabulous-lookin' to eat. Jewdry! I'm not a child, it's just been having a very complicated day.

I'm so mad I could just- Ruh! Ruh! Ruh! Ruh! Ruh! Ah! You've lost your mind! Ah! No! No, I have not.

I'm not messing with your brains at the moment. Oh, okay. So we're-we're just dummies. Lawrence has moved on to, uh... Well, I'm not telling you which Florence the moment. Oh, okay, so we're just dummies. Lawrence has moved on to, well I'm not telling you which Florence is building now. A machine? Yeah, yes, a machine, that's what she does. She builds machines for the dark Lord.

Okay, I just forgot. So Baron, you stole a lot of useless memories from my brain. You're stealing useless memories from my brain? Look, I think. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I just couldn't help myself. Look, I can assure you there was nothing useful in there. We need to focus on the gravity...

You got it. We need to focus on the gravity of this situation. Think of it like that place in Canada where the gravity is higher than other parts of the planet. Oh, that's a good one. I'm going to write that one down. Is it like, think Canada? You already did. Oh! You know, that's a danger of a life of trivia writing.

Sometimes you end up writing the same trivia questions again later. The Baron is correct. We have lost our way. And we have lost our way because we have lost our home. Yeah, no. Not the places where we sleep at night. The place where we come together in friendship and boom companionship. Yeah, I say unto the two of thee, we must return. To the Vermilion Minotaur and complete the tasks that have been set upon us.

Yeah, now that I know that there's a password to get in, I want to go there even more. Yeah, it's so cool. Guys, you know what that there's a password to get in, I wanna go there even more. Yeah, that's so cool. Guys, you know what? I've been trying to put a brave face on us being at the Ruffled Feather, but this place fucking sucks. I missed the Vermilion Minotaur. Dude, you're lucky I haven't murdered everyone in here.

BEEP. People seeing that stork over in the corner, playing the piano, he's clearly not good enough. I'm gonna go over to the other piano. I can play better than this. You're gonna duel with him in pianos? Yes. Yes, this is an embarrassment.

Okay, we know what we need to do. At the second thing on our list is defeat the void, so we've got to get back into the familiar minotaur and get as many magic items as we can. Yes, perhaps one of them will allow us to cut away to the center of the void, or in some of the way damage it until I am able to thrust my arm in its center. Hey, John, have you had any emails this week? In this episode, Abe is wearing glasses. Oh, John, please don't read your comic books while we're doing the show. It's so good.

Yeah, I did get an email here. Um, you don't have an email here from David Vandergriff. Oh, I love that name. Says the Time of Day. Hello Arnold, John, Yusidor, and any guest present. Long time fan of the show, you didn't want to correct him? It's Arnie.

Okay, there we go. Long time fan of the show, one thing I've always wondered, what time of the day is it when you record the podcast? I always pictured it being later in the evening, but some of the things said in certain episodes make me think that maybe you recorded in the morning thanks love the podcast. What time of day do we typically record? I mean, I guess usually at night we don't have a set schedule for when we record.

Necessarily? Yeah, I feel like the bad episodes are recorded at 4 a.m. Yeah, the good ones are at 3.30 a.m. Yes, it all times of the day, whenever it's convenient for us all to get together. It can be hard as you get older, and you get busy in your life to find the time to all come together,

especially when you're busy running the town of Hogsface, searching all of a phone for secrets to mystical magic from Bages gone by. Trying to remember you adopted an orphan child named Brad. Oh right. Well, fans will gather at the table and before you even remember to do the podcast we'll play a game of cribbidger.

Yes, sometimes we just naturally flow into it. Does that answer your question? Van Griff. Does it? Does it Van Griff? Van Griff. Does it? Does it Vien Griff? Van Griff. Oh, all right. I think I may have scored a win here tonight.

Obviously, I dominated in that piano duel. And that demon at the bar seems very interested. I might have successfully recruited him to join the Dark Lord. He wants to discuss it more at his place. Oh, I'm really glad to leave you here. Well, you wouldn't source that ditty with, uh, with, uh, great vibratium.

Game-recognized game. Hey, I've got an email here that someone emailed to me at Magic Tavern at Puppy's That Supplies. It says, high Arnie, Chant, and guest Muaynus. I live in Maine, so this seemed like the best named referred to Yusador. Sorry to hear that you have been kicked out of the Vermilion Minotaur. Oh, very on topic. But I think I have a solution for you. Oh, guys, a solution. I'm not sure who is the mayor this week, but if it's one of you three, or maybe Mayor Manana, then you may have the power to solve your problem. What if you were to

rezone the space surrounding the Vermilion Minotaur into a strictly residential area? Then the Vermilion Minotaur would no longer be able to operate as a business and you would be able to hold this overactivity as head until she lets you return. It may be kind of corrupt, but that has never been an issue for you before looking at you, Chant, sincerely, Jeremy Mele. He's a Chant-sy. He's looking at me? I think he's looking at you, Chant, sincerely, Jeremy Mele. He's looking at me? I think he's looking at you, so...

Oh, my God. Does he know when I'm sleeping? Does he know when I'm awake? Yeah, I think you're on his naughty list. Does he know when I've been better good? Chant, be good for goodness sake! DBS-ly done, Mr. Mele. Mr. Chant, he is the mayor of this week, so... Oh, yeah. We can't do it. Oh, yeah. And also, guys...

Thanks for riding. Also guys, let's not just like use rezoning for evil. What exactly is a zoning used for in your world? I don't know. Jeremy, this is a brilliant plan and I would like you to take a moment to consider the Jody Foster was mauled by a lion as a child. Oh Jeremy's stoking and... Regune is answered.

I-I assume. Oh, I love to add a... Uh...contact. Wait, you sir, you've seen contact? I've seen Any Act Out Contact. You want that? No, I was just there when he acted out, no. I feel chipped. And I feel like you made up a lot of no.

I mean, I can't remember all the lines verbatim. Well, it's not like you're just talking to gibberish. Look, we're not going to cheat Activie out of the tavern. Ice propose. We just break ice propose? Ice propose. We just break. You know what? Let's not do it. No Arnold, what do you want to do? Let's break into the tavern, steal as much magic shit as we can, solve all our problems, and get out of there! A heist. A heist. A greatest heist, anyone has ever pulled.

Yeah, we shall gather our forces in the deductness of night, we shall sneak into our once beloved home, take what is rightfully ours, and pair to go forth and win the final battle against Evil. Hmm, heist knight. I think we just need 11, 12 or 13 of us, or if we can't get that many people, I think eight really effective women could pull off this job. Let's put together a crew. Did you guys hear me say heist knight?

Is heist knight? Heist knight? Great use of door. Did you guys hear me say hi snite? Is... Hi snite! Hi snite! Great use of door. Man, what I wouldn't give to be a part of a hi-st-night. Baron Rhaegoon was played by special guest, Chris Rathjen. Check out Chris' other improv comedy podcast, Improvized Star Trek. And once again, Blemesh was played by Winky Silks, who was played by Joey Bland from the Improvized Shakespeare Company.

Joey Bland again, did he win a contest? Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Ryan DeGeorgie, and Evan Jackover. This episode was edited by Rhynda Georgi, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Want to see hello from the Magic Tavern live? Go to hellofromthemagictavern.com and click on the live shows tab for links to upcoming shows in Chicago, Indianapolis, and London. Some of those are very close to selling out, so click soon. Access to the rectangle array has been granted. I hate this so much.

If you admit your profile looks like one of the Easter Island sculptures, and not the main one, one of the super eroded ones, that's like, wow, how many bags of oranges did that take? you